Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You (as in us) Get on Noah's Ark?

Episode Date: November 27, 2022

In this weeks episode of Plumbing the Death Star the boys get Biblical by attempting to weasel their way on to Noah’s Ark. The Joel’s abandoned Jackson pretty much straight away to make their way on to the big boat. Their plan; kill a unicorn, become a unicorn (panto style). Zammit’s 150 days as the front end of a horse, ruin his brain forever. Jackson decides his best course of action is to build (and by build we mean steal) a second ark and get one of every animal in the hopes on making the worlds first crabdog. There is also a LOT of talk about the Curse of Ham, a curse no one is prepared for.Buy our terrible merch here and check out the Bad Brain Boys on Apple Podcasts at apple.co/badbrainboys. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ahem. Ahem. You're listening to the Sandspans Network. Hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star. I'm Joel. I'm Jackson. And I'm also Joel. And today we are asking the important question, how would you, as.e. we?

But the individual us. The royal us. The royal us, aye. So basically what I'm saying is, this is not a team effort. No. All of us are going to roll in and try and get. All of us have seen the rain start to fall and we're like, I think he was under something.

Noah's always like, yep, yep, yep, yep, in the middle of the village square and we're just like, shut the fuck up and let us fuck like good people. Yeah. And now unfortunately- You're all sinning and I'm like, what am I sinning? I am sinning. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And now we've seen Noah building that boat Which we mocked mercilessly Hey nice boat dickhead shit boat Fuckhead cunt Cunt you can just swim in the sea You don't need a boat Hey Noah you know how to float? I do

Hey Noah this isn't the fucking sea dickhead Land boat are you fucked? Here's the thing that you maybe didn't know about boats, der brain. They need to be on the water. Idiot. Oh, no. I'm scared of rain.

Oh, it's just dripping a little. We fucking drink this, idiot. I'll just drink the rain when it comes. We can just drink the rain. And then watching all the animals, like, file through the town towards the boat. Huh. How's he doing that?

At that point, the bullying still hasn't stopped. Like, nice goats, cunt. What are you going to do with those elephants? Idiot. Put them on my boat. Yeah, why? Fuckhead. None of your

answers are going to satisfy me. Don't fight. Here's a bullying tip. Ignore me and I'll go away. Don't fight back. You engaged. I've still got your ear so my lips are still going to be moving. Can't. Noah's not a good name.

Oh, fuck us love boat. Gonna marry boat, I am gonna marry your goat. Oh, is the goats good to marry? Fuck us to his boat. I feel like we're going to be directly killed by God. The rain starts on us. I've never seen rain start with like a lightning bolt

directed at three idiots. Should have left Noah alone. Okay, fair enough. Yeah, nice rain, God. Oh, you're going to wet me to death? I'm a little bit wet. Does God love rain? You crying up there because we're so fucking cool?

Oh, you're punishing me by sending me the thing that keeps me alive because I drink it. Oh, how sad for you. Oh, no. Crack, crack, crack. Oh, lightning. Oh, lightning, so now I can see better. Oh, making my whole body tense up.

Awesome. Yeah, oh, striking down a tree. Now I've got fire. Thanks. But then I guess the water's up to our knees and we're seeing Noah's ark start to rise and all the animals

getting on it we're like what maybe it's time alright let's get on the boat okay boys new tack but it's kind of like a let's get on the boat

and then we all look at each other and come to the decision for some reason that there's only room for one well I'm assuming what happens is we notice that there's Noah and Noah's wife who has a name in the Bible, but I forget it.

Yeah, yeah. And then their kids. Yeah, yeah. Their kids. And that's it, I think, for humans. Yeah, and then two of every animal and we're like, but there's three of us. We can't sneak in as two, and we can't sneak in as three. We can sneak in as two, and we can't sneak in as three. We can sneak in as two Joel.

No. See, that's our plan. Immediately stab you in the back. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, individual plan. Yeah, yeah, yeah, two Joel's. We're actually... We're a different species of water. You're those guys who bullied me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but you got to bring us on the boat. Come on, bully us or whatever. Fucking lions will eat you. We won't do that. We'll just make fun of you. Surely we're better. Well, I'm less...

An elephant sits down, you die. Come on now. If I'm under the elephant, you might be. It's a small... Hang on. I don't even know if I want to be on... I will get on the boat. Yeah.

But that's a lot of animals on one boat. It's a bunch of animals. It's a big ark. Surely he didn't get every animal. Oh, yeah. Well, that's actually what happened to unicorns, Jackson. Yeah, he didn't get every animal. Yeah.

Oh, okay. Or dragons, maybe. Yeah, yeah. I forget how the bullshit goes. It's hard to tell what's real and what's from cartoons. Or what's from the internet, like circa 2008 when. Emma Watson, yeah. She was in that.

Who? What? Evan Almighty? Is that what you're talking about? No, he's talking about Noah. Noah. With Emma Watson and. Rusty.

Russell Crowe. Wow. Why did I go to Evan? Were there dragons in that movie? I don't remember. I know the angels look like those cube guys. Then there were rock boys. They were big rock monsters.

What the fuck? Well, that happens in the Bible. The angels are fucked. Do they look like rocks? Kind of, yeah. I thought they were wheels within wheels, and a guy whose head is a dog, a horse, a crab, and a toad. The best kind of angel.

The one with nine circles and 18 eyes. Yeah. That is cool. They kind of look. The one with nine circles and 18 eyes. Yeah. That is cool. They kind of look like, do you remember, is it SARS or TARS or whatever from Interstellar? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They kind of look like that, but instead of it being sleek and made from metal, it was made from rock. That's fucking awesome. Maybe I've got to watch Noah.

Yeah, it's great. First thing that Rusty does when he gets to land, he makes wine and gets fucked up. All right. Okay, so talk me through your plan of coming in as Joles. Okay, so we just line up behind. Is it alphabetical order, do you reckon? Nah. It's just like first come, first served.

Like a lion doesn't know that it starts with an L. Also, it would be speaking. Yeah, that's true. It wouldn't even be English Al-Aryan. Yeah, that's true. It wouldn't even be English. We actually have a biblical name, so you're really fucked. Damn it. Noah, when?

Yeah, I don't know if you know this, Noah, but our name means that Yahweh is God. So I think we're chosen, so we need to go in there. Well, I'm worried we're going to kick Noah

off the boat. I don't think there's a book of Noah in the Bible. That's what's happening right now. I'm writing it. Yeah, but we need to, I think we're a bit of a scribe. Is there a book of Noah or is that just in a different book? I don't think there's a book of Noah.

I don't know shit about that. Did I pay attention to Ari? No. Have I ever read the Bible? Nah. All that happened in Ari was that the teacher told me I smelled bad. Did you? Yeah, I stunk like shit.

Because when I was in the UK, this is so funny in retrospect. I was like, they're like, we're going to put you in this RE class. It's like a separate RE class. And it was an RE class full of like these tough as nails like bully girls. So like the cool troublemaker girls who clearly couldn't be trusted were put in this RE class and me. Yeah, with a stinky filth boy. Yeah, and then at one point after class, a teacher came up to me and was like, hey, the

girls are complaining that you stink like shit. And I was like, fuck all. Yeah. It's very funny to be like people be like the bullies are this being like this kid stinks like shit

teacher this kid stinks like shit the teacher being like this kid stinks like shit the bully girls were actually

very lovely to me they were very kind they said it behind my back you know as a kindness I wonder if they were just

being cruel and didn't want to talk to you. But we hung out in class. So they could get further bullying material? Because that's a classic bully move. Maybe. To then go out because did they hang out with you at recess or lunch? He's just sweet. He's rewritten his own history.

It's lovely. Let him live in that. You were cool to them. That's nice. No, I wasn't cool. I think they took pity on me. I don't think they respected me, but they didn't bully me. But they told the teacher you stink like shit.

Yeah, in confidence. They were like, it was not as aggressive as that. The teacher came up to me and she's like, look, I'm really sorry, but the other girls are complaining that you smell a little bit. Okay, so again, that's coming from the teacher, who obviously, if they're bringing it up, had to tone it down to the most mild, and it still doesn't even seem like it came across.

So imagine how high the complaint actually was. For all the girls it's been. So cruel. Yeah, well, maybe. We'll never. For all the girls it had been. So cruel. Yeah, well, maybe. We'll never know. Yeah, we'll never know. Never know. Never know.

Yeah, double-checked. Yeah, Noah's stuff happens in Genesis. So we've actually got our own book. Noah already has three chapters of Genesis. Fuck you, Noah. Has your book happened yet? No. You're going to overwrite the real book.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good stuff. So let me get your plan clear, though. The first plan, I think, would be to... Well, first off, we need to either pretend that we are a whole new animal. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or we... So what are we going to do?

We need to either just kind of, like, rush him to just be like, don't even give him a chance to speak and be like, no, we're a different species. What the fuck are you talking about? Do you reckon there's... And just kind of push on past. Do you reckon there's a good section of the animals

for you to get in that will make you... Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Like, you see the apes lining up and you're like, well, I'm gonna join in with the apes so that, no, we're just, he's just doing the apes. He just passes you by. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You do just look like human beings. True. So that's what I was thinking. Like, either

do we say, like, we're just a complete different species now. What the fuck are you talking about? Yeah, yeah. I don't understand you. This is how I talk like a dog. This is me barking. This is the equivalent of me barking. You think they're words.

If you can understand it, that's impressive. You think they're words, but they're not. This is just me being like, what the fuck is this? I'm just vocalizing, dude. I'm just vocalizing. I don't know. And we just push on past. How or do we maybe, perhaps. I'm just vocalizing Or do we Maybe

Perhaps Kill a chimp Become a chimp Wear its skin Okay Okay I was trying to think of a humane I think this could shave a sheep and wear its wool

Pantomime horse But then we're paired up with a real horse. Yeah, but that's clever because I was going to say your other plan is one of the Joles is left out. If you're dressing like a sheep, unless you're both dressing like a sheep. Well, yeah, we basically we pick two animals and we're like, we condemn you to extinction. Okay. Yeah. Even if we did this to a horse, we're still condemning that horse. That may be the...

Okay, we find a unicorn. Glover. Stab that shit out of one of them unicorns. It's an animal whom sucks anyway. Yeah, exactly. All it is, is just a horse with a bit extra. Yeah, it's a special horse. And then we simply just pantomime unicorn our way onto Noah's Ark.

Then he's like, sweet. And then maybe halfway through, we just take it off. And then he's like, oh, dog. And then we look at the other unicorn and we're like. You thought I was your wife, idiot. I can't understand what you're saying, but I'm imagining you're upset. And that fills me with joy. Anyway, Noah, how's this dog shit boat going?

The boing doesn't stop. Give us an apple. We're hungry. It's good that you're still eating like a horse. I'm a horse, Noah, with a big old horn. Give us an apple. Well, okay, that's a pretty good plan. And also like the first thing,

and I actually think this ties into the Bible because the first thing Noah does when the land, like everything dries out, he becomes a farmer and then immediately gets very wine drunk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Drinking would be a sign

of emotional abuse. Yeah, absolutely. If he's just spent fucking 40 days and 40 nights suffering from bullying from the Joel's, he's just spent fucking 40 days and 40 nights suffering from bullying from the Joels, he's going to need the dollars. Also, at that point in time, and this is bad,

I mean Noah, just only Noah, Noah dies aged 950. Oh, no. Because prior to the flood, people used to live to about a thousand. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Again, according to the Bible. Yeah to live to about a thousand. Yeah, yeah, yeah. According to the Bible.

Yeah, you're not going anywhere. Oh. Not at all. Hey Noah, we don't want to help, so we're just going to go dig a hole and then fill the hole. That pretty good? Hey Noah, put a plow on us, because we're a horse

according to you, you dumb fuck. Give us an apple. Just doing physical labor. We're too tired to work now. We dug this big hole though. Why did you think? Zahmed clearly has been a horse for too long and just is like, I am a horse now. Or like he's become lost in his own bullying where he thinks pretending to be a horse is somehow getting one over.

Oh yeah, I got a saddle on me. A clip club, a clip club. I'm a big old horse. That's what you thought. That's what you thought, you idiot. It's been like 50 years. I sleep in a stable. Feed me, hey.

I shit wherever I walk. I think being on that boat fucked you up if I'm honest also this is unrelated but I just think it's an awesome story you love Jackson

after the flood Noah becomes a farmer planted a vineyard he drank wine made from the vineyard got drunk and lay uncovered within his tent

Noah's son Ham first of all great writing awesome stuff I think I'm best friends with Ham it's awesome that you can name your kid Ham

and you'd be like no it's biblical he's not named after the delicious sandwich meat he's named after the Bible well it's also an awesome name to use

I mean this also condemns the name because Noah's son Ham saw his father naked and told his brothers which led to Ham's son being cursed by noah

hey we saw hey dad we saw your little dick what that's so funny why did he tell his brothers hey hey guys that's dick that's dick so tell me that he's so little i saw dad's little dick he's so little shriveled if you saw your dad's little dick If you saw your dad's little dick Would that change you? I'm sure I like growing up You know At least the way I saw my dad naked Yeah absolutely

When you're a kid you do You shower and all that kind of stuff Yeah Yeah It didn't change me I don't think I guess you'd be like whatever That's just my dad's dick I suppose Nothing wrong with that

Nothing wrong with that I Nothing wrong with that. I guess it's a certain age. He's become weirder. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. If you saw your dad's dick now, would it be weird? No, because he's like pushing 70s. Right now?

Right now. You looked at the window into the studio and your dad's dick was pressing against the glass. All three of our dad's dicks just pressed against the glass. Make a podcast on it. I don't know if I want to leave the studio because I don't know what's happening outside. Guys, can I get curtains? If this is going to keep happening, it's going to make it hard to record. I wonder if Plumbing the Dust would be different if we were just looking at smushed up dicks against glass the whole time we recorded.

I think it would be better. I think because if you ever felt like a lag in energy, you could just look at the dick wall and be like, oh, I'm vibrating with energy. Nowadays, because my dad's getting older, so he's pushing like that 70. It'd be more of like, I guess it's like, is it a medical thing?

Yeah, it feels like you're seeing your dad's dick at a certain age. Yeah, it becomes less like, oh, I'm more like, this is sad. Yeah, I gotta help him piss or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, all right. That's one mystery solved. Why Ham wouldn't shut the fuck up about his dad's dick, though?

Well, his dad's like 900. That's gotta be shriveled. That's a shriveled way to do it. Well, no, because Noah dies 350 years after the flood, so I don't know when he saw his dad's dick. What are you going to do while you're on the ark? Like, say you do get on. It's only 40 days and 40 nights.

That's still a while. Is it only 40 days and 40 nights? Yeah. That's the classic. Yeah. That's still a while. It's not nothing. No, he got 40 years.

He travels in the desert. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was 40 a lot, huh? Yeah. It's a special number. Okay. So you years. He travels in the desert. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He used 40 a lot, huh? Yeah. It's a special number. So you're just saying that 40 days and 40 nights, you just were chilling? Yeah, I guess so. Whatever.

40 days on a boat? That's not that hard. There's nothing to do. There is two of- Milking cows, drinking cow milk. There is two of every animal. Two of every animal. And a man that I loathe that I can just go bully.

Yeah. We can pat like a fox. We can pat a lion. We can pat a lion. We can pat an elephant. Oh, yeah. Okay. Befriend a dog. Befriend two dogs.

That's true. Befriend two cats. Push over a child. There's kids there. That's true. Although, how good. Ham! We can talk.

Best friend of the ham. Hey, Ham. Hey, Ham. If you ever saw your dad's dick, you'd tell everyone, yeah? Yeah. No, you shouldn't. You shouldn't. That would be really, it would be, if you ever see your dad's dick, you'd tell everyone, yeah? Yeah. No, you shouldn't. You shouldn't. That would be really, it would be bad if you didn't tell everyone.

I think it would be fucked up seeing Ham and then seeing a pig and be like, is the pig meat called Ham because of this kid? You do something to that pig. That is how we get Ham. Next 40 days to 350 years. Why is Ham called ham? Ham surely isn't named after the biblical figure ham. Right?

No way. I thought you meant why is ham, as in the child, called ham. I guess it was a cool name. Is it short for, like, hamunculus or something? Yeah. I keep wondering if ham is hamolithule. Is the ham from a pig called ham? Is that short or something? Yeah. I keep wondering if ham is hamolothule. Is the ham from a pig called ham? Is that short for something?

Ham you lot? Yeah. I don't know what's going on there, but that's very confusing. I know that one of the first chimpanzees sent to space, his name was Ham. I'm guessing they're probably named after the child Ham. That's Ham. Or the meat. Oh, Ham.

Show me some Ham. That's Ham. Ham meat. Oh, ham. Show me some ham. That's ham. Ham's looking good. Before I get too distracted, I'm going to put my phone down, but it says main article, curse of ham. How did he get cursed? Because he saw his dad's dick. No, but what does that mean?

His dad cursed him? I've cursed you, and now that means I'm becoming, I'm now a, it sucks because every time I... If I try to... What happens when I do... It's crazy because the curse came from Noah, not God. Oh, no. Noah's got powers.

Yeah. Ah, shit. You boys might struggle trying to bully Noah. He might give you the curse of Ham. We also bullied God, though. Well, he tried to electrocute you. Yeah, that's true. He cried on us.

Yeah. I'm going to try and find out what the curse The curse of Ham is actually the curse of his son But what does it do Yeah his son Ham No no no Ham is Noah's son Ham's son suffers the curse

Son of Ham What's son of Ham called Canaan Canaan Son of Ham So C Is it a sick name? Canaan? Canaan, son of Ham. So C-A-N-A-A-N. Canaan. Canaan. Isn't that also the name of a city in the Bible?

Well, I mean, it's probably the same guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He founded this. I cursed you with founding a city. That's so sad that Ham didn't found a city and there wasn't a city of Ham. Yeah. Yeah, it was a civilization. Anyway.

The Canaanites, yeah. Yeah. Or Canaanites. Canaan sounds better. Yeah, yeah. But then I was, yeah. What's the curse of Ham? I'm trying to find out.

I want to know what happened to Ham. Why did Ham, like, is it just like a bad luck curse? Like somebody curses off? It's very funny to be like, you saw my dick, so I'm going to curse your kid. You son of a bitch saw my penis. So I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at your kid. It's no matter that.

Okay, so there's a theory that maybe Ham saw his dad's dick and then was like, this seems like the perfect time to castrate my dad. The Ark really fucked a bunch of people up. Okay. Ham wants to cut off his dad's dick I think I'm a horse People have been changed By spending 40 days and 40 nights on the Ark Doesn't take long

What happened? He curses Khan To be a servant basically Oh okay Curse you into servitude? Yeah So basically, it's like You will be a servant

And you're in tie for life Basically, the curse starts slavery Yeah, wow That's all from one little boy All from a little peep on your daddy's dick One little 300-year-old boy Seeing your dad's dick Maybe I cast 300-year-old boy seeing your dad's dick. Maybe I castrate that.

What if I cut that off? That's deranged. You guys need to be careful of ham on the ark. Maybe I cut that off. Root and stem. All of it. Just with a little scalpel slice of my dad's. Maybe one of them melon ballers.

Just a whoop-a-goes. You two like the two halves of the pantomime horse costume sidling up to ham be like hey man funny name and he's like

I'm thinking of scalping off my dad's dick oh yeah have a good one yeah yeah yeah you've always been my favorite ham you know

you know is it geldings that's bad for us yeah don't do that to us we are a horse yeah yeah yeah but you're in half

we're a special horse we're a special horse yeah we talk from our horse lips Adful us. Yeah, don't do that to us. We are a horse. But you're in half. We're a special horse. We're a special horse. Yeah, we talk from our horse lips and our horse tummy lips. But that's fine. Can the other horse do that? No. Yep.

Yeah, they're just shy. The other unicorn, sorry. And then Ham cuts that unicorn in half. There's no guy in this section. Oh, Ham. Oh, man. Okay. You've tested us for extinction. That sucks.

Anyway. Oh, I'm not mad. We're not mad at all. Love your work, Ham. Love your work. Love your work. I know in the past we've been enemies, but we really need to talk about Ham. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We need to talk about Ham. I'm going to be scared of Ham. You see what he did to the unicorn? Hey, Noah, hey, look, buddy, pal. Truce? Truce against Ham? Hey, Noah, I know you're chosen by God, but does God know about your fucked up kid, Ham?

Does God know about Ham? Have you told God about Ham? Noah, I'm just saying, watch your dick and nuts around ham? Look, ham, maybe spend a little bit less time about gathering animals and maybe more time about raising your fucking dog. Yeah, maybe you need to talk to ham, okay? But in an area where a lot of people are watching.

You need eyes on you, okay? But yeah, that being said, in the actual passage of the Bible, it just says he uncovered his father's nakedness or something. No, because Noah's sleeping dick and nuts out. Was that a sin to sleep nude? And ham, father of... And thou shalt, when one has upon head to slumber, thou must ensure that your genitalia is at all times covered. Thine dick and nuts.

If thine dick, nuts, or pussy, or anus touches thine ear, it is but a sin upon lip of God. Do you want to hear the actual passage from the Genesis Bible? Yes, please. It's pretty wild. Yes, we do. And Ham, father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father and told his two brethren without.

And Noah awoke from his wine and knew what his youngest son had done unto him. And he said, Cursed be Canaan, a servant of servants, shall he be unto his brethren? And he said, Blessed be the Lord God of Shem.

So he wakes up and he's like, I know! You're looking at my balls, kid! Lord God of Shem. So he wakes up. He's like, I know. Give me my fucking dick and nuts. You're looking at my balls, kid. Are you full of looking at my balls, Ham? Hang on a second. Did Ham just peep my fucking dick and nuts? Ham, come here.

You're going to be a servant. Your kids are going to be servants. Ham, I know what you fucking did. I know you peeped my dick and nuts. Noah, please. Dad. Why has Noah never told us about the curse of Ham? It's the best part of the Bible.

Noah's son, Ham, sees his dad's dick and nuts and that creates slavery. That is what happens in the Bible. That is, yeah, a valid reading of the text. Listeners, you've fucked us here. Why has no one told us this? In the ten years we've been doing this, none of you in the early days should have sent us a DM.

Like, hey, just a heads up, I know you've started mentioning the Bible stuff and you seem to find it pretty funny. Yes. Look up the curse of Ham. Oh yeah. We think you'd really enjoy the curse of Ham. That'd be right. And we did. I was thinking I could get onto the Ark by, if the Ark has a

figurehead, getting rid of that and just strapping myself to the front. Oh, that's a good idea, actually. Because then I don't have to trick Noah, I just gotta trick the boat. And that seems pretty easy, because the boat don't talk. Yeah, and then I survive 40 days and 40 nights getting people to feed me or whatever. How?

By, hmm. Basically what happens with us is we sneak our way onto or whatever? How? By, hmm. Basically what happens with us is we sneak our way onto the boat and in the moment, yeah, it's too late. I mean, they could throw us overboard, but we could also throw them overboard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a truce. I'm in a more tricky position because I presume I have to be tied to the front so that I don't fall off. And you haven't

told anyone. Yeah. We've drowned in this situation and we're looking at him and being like, we drowned but my last words are like, he'll die too. Who cares? What an idiot. We can float. Oh, that's a big wave.

Oh, okay. Can't float forever, I guess. Let me just quickly drink this salty seawater. What can I, what's, there are birds around the boat. I mean, if you had like a, you could like tie yourself and then you could untie yourself and then just get down and then be like, hey, who are you? And you're like, I'm your son. Oh, okay.

I'm a man. I'm Jackson, your other son. How do you not remember me, dad? Hang on. Do you want me to find out? Surely there'll be a list of fellas that are on the boat. Yeah, find out the list. There's a bunch of folks on there.

There's so many. Noah has so many sons that he won't notice an extra one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, he's got four sons. That's heaps of fellas that are on the road. Yeah, find out the list of... There's a bunch of folks on there. There's so many... Noah has so many sons that he won't notice an extra one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, he's got four sons. That's heaps of sons. He won't notice. He's got four sons,

but then he's got... Does he get shitty when his son or daughter gets knocked up? That does sound like Noah. Yeah, because he's like, I thought we went to be the last of our kind.

We were going to die out and now you're fucking... Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's right. Was God going to be like, maybe just animal stay, human wipe off, face of earth? Well, that was his plan. He was sick of us. Yeah, I mean, we're like ants.

Yeah, we're like ants. Crawling all over, ruining his picnic. Yeah, so he was like, fuck him off, I'm gonna flood him. And then, yeah. Basically equivalent of pouring hot boiling water down and out. Yeah, exactly. Time also stops for a year.

No one ages for the year where the floods happen. That means nothing when we look to a thousand. Shut up. Yeah, who cares? One year's nothing. Oh, wait, I guess for like, you know, a vole. Yeah, or a spider or whatever. It rains for 40 days and 40 nights.

It is flooded for longer. Oh, damn. After 150 days, God remembered Noah and the waters subsided. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. I forgot about Noah and the boat. Oh, my God. I know I'm meant to be infallible or whatever.

Oh, whoopsie daisy me. Yeah, I'm omniscient and omnipotent, but not perfect. I've never claimed to be clever. Nobody's nothing. What if I just build my own boat? How hard is it to build a boat? How hard? Noah did it.

Noah had to. Here's the thing. Noah had to build a boat to contain one of every animal. I need to build a boat, two of every animal. Sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I build a separate boat that contains one of every animal. Jackson, Jackson.

How? Okay. All right. Question. When water go down again. Yeah. Jackson, Jackson, how? Okay. All right. Question. When water go down again, and now you're like, sweet, all the animals go out, and now you're like, sweet, repopulate. I'm going to get a bunch of new awesome animals, because the lion will fuck the horse or whatever. And we'll get a fucking awesome horse lion, and the vole will fuck the crab, and the seagull

will fuck the wolverine. And imagine the creatures that will populate the earth. Okay, you know how we tried this with, say, a horse and a donkey, and then we get this piece of shit mule that can't then produce other offspring? But we've got no other choice. We're going to get crab dogs. You know what? Crab dogs sounds good.

I think some of them will work. Some of them will work. We can get a liger. Yeah. Some of the unions will be functional. All right. Yeah. I've got a list, and it's funny.

You're not going to believe. It turns out Noah's Ark hilarious. So it starts flooding. It's Noah, his nameless wife, who is never named. Oh, that's so funny. And my wife. His three sons, Shem, Japheth, and Ham. Great.

Together with Shem, Japheth, Ham. Yeah, and then the wives of his three sons. Oh, yeah. Also unnamed? Also unnamed. Yeah, of course. Good stuff. Yep, there it is.

So four unnamed wives, one to Noah, and then I guess... Shem, wife of Shem, wife of Ham, wife of Japheth. Yep. Yeah, so you've got eight people in there. Yeah. So I could slip it. Well, yeah, I could slip in,

but I'm liking making my new arc idea. Yeah. A fucked up. Oh, one of every animal. Yeah. Maybe instead of waiting until Noah is about like the floods are about to happen. I see Noah making his arc and I'm like,

I'm going to make my fucking own, you know, steal, steal like one of his animals. So you guys only one. And now you got. Oh. That's a good idea.

I mean, you've got to work together. Got to work together, Noah. I've got these animals. You've got those animals. Well, if I make another ark, when all the animals arrive, they're not going to know which one's the right ark. So I might get some. Is Noah a shepherd? Yes.

So. How hard is it to, like, you know, corral sheep? Yeah, exactly. How hard is it to corral, say, a lion? Hard. Yeah. Well, here's another question. Did Noah get like spiders and ants and scorpions and stuff?

Two of everything. But I feel like I could imagine the Bible being like, but not the verminous sinful creatures of the earth. I could get the snakes. I could get the worst animals. Yeah, you become like, I guess, the darker. Yeah, punished Noah. That's what I'll be.

You get all the fucked up animals. Yeah, give me all the ghoulish creatures of the land and sea. You get like, I don't know, what classifies I guess like, you know, a naked mole rat. Yeah, all kinds of rats. Yeah, rats.ifies, I guess, like, you know, a naked mole rat. Yeah, all kinds of rats. Rats. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Worms. Bats. Anything that's kind of related to Dracula. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Any Dracula creature. Any Dracula creature. Even just some Draculas I could get on the ark. Yeah, maybe you need them. Yeah, yeah.

Giants. Giants. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You need them on board. I'll make a freak ark. Yeah, make a freak ark. It's like, do you need his boat or will any boat suffice? I mean, I'm guessing a lot of boats, they, you know, look, I'm guessing there was boats

that were already in existence. Yeah. And they got fucked up. Um, but then I guess they were, they were re-anlocked. And if you write Noah's Ark on the side of yours, God's not going to know. God's not going to, he's not paying attention. He forgot Noah existed for a bit anyway. He's like, did I tell, did to know. God's not going to know. He forgot about Noah. He forgot about Noah. He's like,

did I tell, did I say, did I make two orcs? Did I make one? Did I tell one guy to bring one of every animal so that I could make crab dogs? That sounds like God's

That doesn't sound, yeah, maybe I did, I don't know. And I'm trying to make a dog and a crab fuck and it's not working. Dog keeps eating the crab

and the crab keeps like trying to like pin pinch its nose and I'm like, no. Gotta get along. What kind of babies would you make anyway? Hard dogs? Oh yeah, hard dogs or soft crabs. Soft little furry crabs. Okay. That bite.

You can see why I'm doing this. Lord above. Science. Lord above or lord below. Yeah, whoever's watching. Telling Noah you were sent by Satan to make a rival. Yeah, like surely Satan wants some things collected. Oh, wait.

Satan mightn't exist yet. No, he jumped down from Lucifer. He was one of the first angels. He was out of there. Yeah, but I think at this point, this is... He jumped down from Lucifer. He was one of the first angels. He was out of there. Yeah, but I think at this point, this is... Nah, because it's like sin and shit. Yeah. There's got to be...

The underworld exists, but I don't think there's a Satan yet. Because this is the sixth chapter of Genesis. This is the sixth chapter of the entire Bible. Yeah, pretty early on. Well, look... Adam and Eve. Maybe. Maybe. There's some, like,

there's some, some, like, is it, like, what were you before he fell? Was it Lucifer? Yeah, I think it was Lucifer. Who's Samuel? Is it someone else?

There's a lot of guys. I don't know. The Morningstar looking down being like, soft grabs, you say. This man's making a crab and a dog fuck. Maybe that's good.

Oh, no. And that was a downfall of the morning stuff. Yeah, maybe. Obviously, you know, we think that eating the fruit in the Garden of Eden was the first sin. But maybe making a dog. Oh, yeah, definitely Lucifer exists. Because of the Garden of Eden. The serpent in the garden.

Oh, yeah. So I don't think he's actually ever explicitly said to be the devil. I think he's just a bad snake. Snakes are bad. I thought it was like a proto-snake when they had legs and shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The book of Genesis does not mention him, but Christians often identify the serpent in the Garden of Eden as Satan.

Yeah. Yeah, so maybe, well, either you're appeasing, like, the snake god. Yeah, there's some evil in the world, clearly, at this point, that I could be appeasing by making a bad arc. Well, yeah, because the first sign of evil in, I mean, the serpent, but then the second sign of evil is when Adam and Eve realize

their dick and nuts and tits are out. That's awesome. They become aware of sin and then immediately become aware they're naked. Oh my god, your balls. Yeah! Oh, my balls? What about your tits? Holy shit! And what the fuck is this? And what about both of our assholes?

Holy shit. Oh, my God. I didn't even think of that. Oh, my God. You turn around. Oh, my God. God's like, stop looking at each other's assholes and get out of my garden. Cover up, you freaks.

I also like the idea of just writing Noah's Ark or just like a boat. I don't know how to make a boat. Stealing a boat, getting one lion on it, going out to sea. They made a movie about that. Yeah, a little bit of fucked up life of pie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, okay. Life of Jackson. We gotta work together, lion.

In the life of pie. Oh, fuck. In the life of pie, aren't they guys? Yeah. This one isn't. This is just a lion. And I don't form any metaphor. I don't form any kind of bond with it whatsoever the whole time. There's the guy that's the lion eats a guy. Yeah, yeah. There's an orangutan.

It's good stuff. Life of Pi is sick. I think I saw that in 3D. That's cool. I think I've ever seen it. Oh, cool. Spoilers for the Life of Pi. Yeah, I guess.

It's emotional? I think so. I can't really remember. Do you think Noel- Ruined the VFX industry because it's underpaid. Uh, classic. Do you think Noel... Ang Lee directed it and...

He did. He did. Comic book. Plumbing the Death Star. Pop culture podcast. We're back. We're back. We had to just circle back to what we know.

We got lost for a moment. We were adrift, so to speak. Much like, no, we won't go down that. Much like Noah. Yeah, exactly. For 120 days when God forgot about him, which isn't actually that long when you're fucking 950. Like a blip.

Yeah, he's 650 on the ark, and his sons are 300. That's crazy. They're fucking 950. It's like a blip. Yeah, he's 650 on the arc, and his sons are 300. That's crazy. They're just little boys. Just wee boys who saw their dad's little dick and nuts. Oh, wait, maybe one of their sons was 100. Either way. Just little boys.

Basically an infant at that point. So I guess making a punished Noah's Ark is a good option, I reckon. Because there's got to be the fucked up, like the unicorns. There's got to be Got to be like the fucked up Like yeah Like the unicorns There's got to be other creatures Well also you know

Like so what if I like Obviously that's a good idea Getting the giants and the ghouls or whatever But what if I one up Noah And I go four of every animal Busy art Then you just say Less incest on my art

Yeah actually this will work Yeah Well kind of. I mean, still it's only four. Yeah, less. But there's going to be less. It'll be longer before there's a crossover. And yeah, the crossover will be too early.

Yeah. It's still going to result in some fucked up animals, Noah. Yeah. But he can't hear me. We're too far away from each other. What? I'll come over to her. Wait, hang on.

If your family's the only... no oh my god maybe i could do that yeah i'm like hello if your family's gonna be the only i'll like line up just by myself yeah i'll if your family's gonna be the only people on the ark obviously some incest is gonna happen so if everyone fucks me or you can all have a go but that'll stop some of the incest no because then you'll be the progenerator yeah so then you'll be the yeah like the incest yeah all you've done is just change where it's starting yeah and it hasn't moved down it's all starting at the same time and you have you've actually made it worse because then you're like, all from you. Yeah.

Yeah. There. You actually sped it up. I just thought if I introduced some foreign sperm into the mix, maybe that would sort No, pull over. Pull over. I've got some foreign sperm. You got too much of the same jizz on the boat.

I got new jizz, right? We got four fellas up here. That's four. But they have the same bloodline. Well, they have the same bloodline. That's true. I'm aizz on the boat. I got new jizz, right? We got four fellas up here. That's four lots. But they have the same bloodline. Well, they have the same bloodline. That's true. I'm a new bloodline. I'm new jizz.

Yeah. No, I'm new jizz. So you could, in a sense, if Ham and Wife of Ham had a child, you could then, I guess, have a child with that particular child. And then we're not incest yet exactly then after that you're fucked yeah i then i then i because then i guess yeah because then if it's like ham had a child with say wife of shem yeah but then then you had a child with that. It still doesn't matter. It still doesn't matter because then you still...

Then the same father for the year. And also similar grandfather. Yeah. It's good to be, like, imagine... On the boat, I see all of my animals fucking, you know, making fucked up... I'm like, oh my God, I know what I can do! What is... This crab dog's giving me a great idea.

Is there a number, like like what is the number where it guarantees like i think it's like 100 but it's like with this number yeah no incest i think it's like 100 or 120 people you need to make a colony that's not going to just what if we do the incest boat and we get 120 people god immediately is was like, no. The reason that I'm doing this is to undo creation, which is a fucked up thing, by the way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. God fucked up.

Yeah, God is like, I hate this. He hates us, right? Doesn't hate the animals. No. He likes two of every animal. He's asking to offer a specific two of every animal. Is that just to prolong the death of a giraffe, say? To be like, I want these two giraffes to witness.

I need some animals to suffer. Surely God's plan, if I was God in this situation, you subside the sea and you're like, all right, here's more of the animals you have. So sort it out that. I can't do anything about humans, I guess. Well, he must have put down some new humans

or did God, did no... Well, because with the creationist part of the Bible, everyone comes from Adam and Eve anyway. Well, no, because when they get cast out and when old mate kills old mate, Cain kills Abel, Cain kills Abel, and Cain fucks off and then he finds a civilization. That's true.

Whoa. Also, there's sometimes Lilth? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, the first wife of Adam's first wife. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a lot going on. There's a lot of different Bibles, too.

There's truly a lot of different Bibles. Well, the Garden of Eden is probably still good, right? Yeah. Go back to the Garden of Eden. I'm going to go back. Yeah. All I'm going to do is

get in the speedboat. Yeah, while everybody else is paddling about the flood, I'll go back to the Garden of Eden. I'm going to go back. All I'm going to do is get in the speedboat. While everybody else is panicking about the flood, I'll go back to the Garden of Eden. This reminds me of a perfect place I could go to. Oh, I remember. Remember. That's where I told that lady to eat those awesome apples. Fuck, that was awesome.

That was like one of the best days of my life. Yeah, fuck, and we could have eaten so many goddamn apples. And I'd just like slam down on the ground and slither away like a snake. That's a good plan. Be the snake that caused the first sin and go back to the Garden of Eden. Did I forget? Holy shit, that's right. I'm a serpent.

Surely being a buffoon is a sin. Yeah. So it makes sense. Yeah, I was not malicious. I just couldn't remember Which apples we couldn't eat Yeah I think it's these These are probably okay

They're just apples I think it's unclear What fruit they actually are Some people think they're figs Oh yeah Yeah they just call it The forbidden fruit Yeah

But in all the horny depictions Of Adam and Eve It's almost always an apple Yeah That's fruit How bad fruit could it be Yeah Why did we decide That apple was the most Like knowledgeable Slash skinful fruit I think it's almost always an apple yeah that's fruit how bad could you could it be yeah if we

want to decide that apple was the most like knowledgeable slash i think it's because the apple is easy to draw and also you know a lot of cultures is a a foot sort of isn't the word apple like which comes from like fruit or something like yeah i think that might be an emoji yeah where we're just like oh yeah and then this word that we've sort of had and it just kind of comes down to where we start like making beautiful art yeah yeah and then this word that we've sort of had, and then it just kind of comes down to where we start making beautiful art. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, this word for us means apple, but back then it meant... But I think also the apple has for a long time been tied to sexuality, too.

And it was also originally apple. I'm not a peach. Yeah, I don't know. A peach is hornier than an apple, guaranteed. Yeah. Just ask the movie, Call Me By Your Name. Yeah. Call a fucking apple.

Yeah, you can. It just hurts. Fucking a peach though looks unreal. unreal yeah it looks like it feels incredible yeah yeah well i'll just go back to the garden of eden yeah yeah fuck that if god lets me go back in yeah hey god i've come back i'm here to do what in the future they'll call an alley-o yeah you didn't think you were getting call me by your name references in this episode of plumbing the death star i did not slither up to a peach, fuck the shit out of him. Go to sleep. Go to sleep.

God's like, well, I didn't expect him to come back, so... Whatever. I didn't actually kick him out in the first place. He just left when Adam and Eve did. Yeah, he got born. He got lost. He's getting in trouble for eating the apple, and I'm just mouthing, sorry.

I thought these juicy fucking apples were good. I thought it was, I didn't think he'd do this. It's been a fucking overreaction. I mean, look, I understand when you put something in like

the office fridge and you write your name on it and like say, if someone comes in and eats it, the guy's mad. Like, not this kind of mad.

I did not expect this. Like a stern talking to. I suppose he's about to remind you of your own pussy and dick and nuts. Actually, the apple does that. Yeah. Yeah, they bite the, it's pretty funny. Like, oh my God, and dick and nuts. Actually, the apple does that. Yeah.

Yeah, they bite the... It's pretty funny. Like, oh my God, my dick and nuts. I'm like, yeah, I know. Yeah, it's pretty sick, isn't it? Yeah. Why is the apple being like, I'm ashamed that my dick and nuts are out? Was it a tree of knowledge or I guess a tree of shame?

I don't know. It was a dirty trick is what it was. Dirty trick by the Lord. He's a rascal. Yeah. He's the Lord. Yeah, well, we all survived in our own way. Yeah.

I think so. I think so. And we learned the awesome story of the curse of Ham. That's the highlight of the episode. Learning about the curse of Ham. Oh, my fucking God. Don't see your dad's dick in nuts. And if you do, do not tell your brothers.

No. Keep that truth to yourself. So in all, I guess, yeah. Hey, shit, Noah. Yeah, eating, getting on the arc's easy, you fucking idiot, Noah. You're not even fucking special. Nice fucking beard. Nice beard, shit beard.

Nice shepherd's crook dirt bag. Hey, your son's going to see your dick, dickhead. He fucking better not because I will curse him. Oh, shit. Weird reaction. We're the ones who tell him. Hey, Noah, your son saw your dick. What?

You should do something about that. If I was you, I'd give him some kind of curse of hair. I mean, if I was you, Noah, I'd have to do something to him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know your fucked up son, Ham? Yeah, he full-on saw your dick. He full-on saw your dick. He was talking about scalping it out.

Yeah, castration or some shit. He's a freak. You should do something about it. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've been Joel. Happy curse of Ham. Happy curse of Ham, everyone And I've been Joel. Happy curse of ham. Happy curse of ham, everyone.

Happy curse of ham. Happy curse of ham.