Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Become the Jellicle Choice?

Episode Date: March 8, 2020

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Tickets are available from our website Sandspantsradio.com slash live Or just search Big Deal on the comedyfestival.com.au website That's bigdeal at comedyfestival.com.au Hey everybody and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star where we ask the important questions like how would you become the Jellicle choice?

Memories Melody in the moonlight So we've got to beat Grizla Bella. That's easy. She's a snotty cat. She's snotty and unhappy. So for everyone who hasn't seen Cats, this is a Cats episode. For everyone who has seen Cats,

let's explain the plot. People say the movie has no plot. It's got a plot. But 35 minutes into the film, one cat says the plot just offhandedly. It's not hard to figure out. Old Deuteronomy's got to pick a cat that gets to become the Jellicle choice and go to the Heaviside lair. Or they get a second chance at life.

Exactly. They get to become a new Jellicle cat. Yes. And then every cat is introduced and sings a song about themselves. Which they explicitly say in the movie. Absolutely. And then old Deuteronomy picks a cat and they go to the, it's not hard. And they get in a balloon, go to the Heaviside lair.

Everyone's like, goodbye, cats are not dogs. But unfortunately, the evil warlock cat, Macafity, wants to become the Jellicle choice this year. And the easiest way to become the Jellicle choice is to kill every other cat. It makes sense. It's pretty logical. And people are like, why do they sing a song? It literally says in the film, we've got to sing a song about

why we should be the Jellicle choice for old Deuteronomy. They say that. It's like an audition. Is Deuteronomy witnessing every song? No. Some of the songs are just to explain who they are to the other cats. Yeah. Like Jenny Any Dots. Yeah.

Jenny Any Dots. The reason why they maybe don't get chosen is because old Deuteronomy wasn't there to witness their performance. Old Deuteronomy gets introduced maybe six or seven songs in. Yeah. I was going to say, how many actual sidebar? My head canon is that those are sort of them. But yeah, they're practicing. And also what happens at the end of that song?

At their songs, you know what happens? What's that? Macavity pops up, kills them. That's true, they don't get a chance to audition. Or is it the fact that like- They get put on the barge. It's old Deuteronomy. She's probably heard these songs before.

And so it's like, yes, Jenny, Eddie Dodds, I get it. Eating cockroaches. Yes, yes, I understand Eddie Dodds, I get it. Eating cockroaches. Yes, yes, I understand. Have you ever thought about reinventing yourself? That's not a cool trait to have. Well, I mean, like she wants to reinvent herself. That's kind of the point of becoming the Jellicle Trice. That's what she'd like to become the Jellicle Trice.

They ask her why she wants to be a Gumby cat. Why she, Gumby? Gumby. Gumby, I think I thought it was. Gumby, yeah. She's a Gumby cat. She's fat. That's basically.

Same with James Corden, he's fat. That's basically... Same with James Corden. He's fat. That's the joke. But his name is Bustopher Jones, which is an incredible name, much better than Jenny Annie Dodds. Bustopher Jones and Rom Tom Tugger. Rom Tom Tugger, best name, right?

Best name, great cat. Yes. Incredible cat. Loves his milk. Horniest cat? Close to. The trouble is, name a cat that's not horny. Victoria. Oh, that name a cat that's not horny. Victoria.

That's true. She's not horny. She's more just like swept up in it. Rum Tum Tugger sings into her foot. She's like, what's this? What's going on? She's kind of like innocent horny. Yeah, that's true. What is all this horn? What is all this horn? I have this feeling and I don't know what it is. Is it horn?

And then all the cats gather around her. Horny! Yeah. So, yeah, every cat horny. Yeah. Well, I guess if we're going to become the Jellicle Choice, that means we need to be cats. Yes.

And all of the cats in Cats are a specific variety of cat. They're a kind of cat that you might see in the real world, but in the world of cats. So I would like to be the kind of dirty junkyard cat that is fucking at 3am outside your window with a terrible getting stuck to anything that he can. Let's call myself Hong Dong Donger.

Rum Tum Tug is a bit like, I don't know. You're just taking my, well, then I'll be Dong Donger. That's fine. Dong Donger. That's fine. Dong Donger. How about Dong Dong Franger? Yeah.

Dong Dong, no, that's still too, it's close to Rumtongue. What about if I'm. Donald Dong Franger. Well, I would say, cause you get the railway cat and then maybe I'm Dong Dong Donger. Dong Donger, the something cat. Well, yeah. Dong Donger, the junkyard cat is fine. The donger dong donger the something cat well yeah don't donger the junkyard cat is fine the garbage cat yeah the garbage cat the garbage whore cat yeah maybe i'm

somewhere in there um and i suppose my song about being horny for trash for some reason i just in my head i'm like he's not just fucking cats. He's also getting gross alley foxes. Oh, yeah, I'm fucking whatever I can. That's what the name of my song is. I'm fucking whatever I can. I'm fucking whatever I can. And all the cats gather around me and whisper to each other,

he's fucking whatever he can. And I'm fucking a bag full of garbage, like a trash can. With your barbed cat penis yeah and and and i'm just like i hope old deuteronomy picks me this is no life a part of the song a nice list of all the things that your barbed cock has gotten stuck in my barbed cock has gone into and then every cat says a thing. A garbage! An old dog! A tire!

A downpipe! A dying frog! My hat! Mrs. McGonaghy's pies! And I'm fucking it's like a Sort of montage A montage Of me fucking

These various things Each thrust right Yeah each thrust Is a beat Is a beat But it's like That kind of thing Where it's like

The whole scene is changing But you're not Yeah I remember Maybe the camera Is spinning around you As you fuck And the scenery Just keeps changing

But it just Focused on your Fucking dumb cat face Like almost coming the whole time. Like, oh! I am almost coming now. I will fuck anything that moves. Or doesn't.

Motion isn't relevant. That's good, then. I feel like this all takes place in a junkyard maybe this is you were the junkyard horny cat yeah maybe I'm Tom Tom no what was I Dong Dong the junkyard horny cat and so yeah maybe this song happens

after we see Bustopher Jones' song because we're kind of in a junkyard then and we carry on into the junkyard proper is where it's called. That's actually a good idea because yeah, he falls into the, because Macavity's like, go on, you look hungry. Jump

into these. And he's a hungry boy. Look here, mate. You look bloody hungry as shit. And then as he falls in and all the cats are like oh my god, I'm like, hey cats! Come watch me fuck this old tire! As James Gordon falls in you're just on the edge of that big fucking the trash what oh you've all gathered around to see me would you like to know what i'd fuck yes yes, yes. No. I'd fuck anything. An incredible performance. Beautiful.

Is this, Macavity has just gotten James Corden. He's just gotten Bustopher Jones. Is he going to come to me, Dong Dong, the junkyard horny cat next? Or is he going to, do I get got, I guess is my question. Does he get everybody? He might just hit you with a pipe. No, he gets Gus the theater cat, Jenny Anydots, Buster for Jones.

He also gets... Does he get the railway cat? No, I don't think he gets the railway cat. Oh, yeah, no, he does. Scramble Shanks. He gets Scramble Shanks? Right, because that's like right before he's so old. Yeah, does anyone he doesn't get? I guess he doesn't get Mr. Mistoffelees.

Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah, I guess he will... He doesn't get Mr. Mistoffelees. Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah, I guess he will. He doesn't get Mr. Mistoffelees. No, no. Of course doesn't he get, is that it? He doesn't get Victoria. He doesn't get- She doesn't really sing a song.

I've got to teach Victoria to fuck as well. Like every cat she goes and meets, he's like, come on this adventure. Mr. Mistoffelees will turn you inside out. Cause at this point, at this point he has a very, very obvious, big crush on her. I'm not teaching her to fuck other people necessarily,

Mr Mephistopheles. Mr Mephistopheles. Mr Mephistopheles. I think maybe you might also come back later and do a duet with Taylor Swift. Absolutely. Getting everyone catnip and horny. It's kind of like almost what you should be slotted into.

I think the problem with my cat is that I'm saying the context of cats as though it were text. I'm saying the subtext of cats as text. It's too horny. I'm obviously horny. All the other cats are subtly horny. That's just how they exist. But I am on the nose horny.

When Taylor Swift comes down, I'm'm like who else is horny and they're like don't say it all of us yes if i fuck so that means if you get picked that means the last line of the movie now becomes i'm gonna fuck my way to heaven i'll even fuck the moon that's my last like yeah As the balloon goes up Just you thrusting in the basket That's Dong Dong and the Junkyard Horny Cat Reprise It's a sort of ballad version

I'll fuck anything I'll fuck anything I'll even fuck The moon And then old Deuteronomy will be like Cat isn't a dog Except that cat which is isn't a dog. Except that cat, which is kind of a dog.

He's a horn dog. Tell me that wouldn't be a better cat. I mean, that cat would get my vote. But it's on the nose horny, so I don't know if old Deuteronomy would pick me. And also Macavity might know that and just not get me. Are just not are you gonna take me away i say is a fucking old sandwich no are you even auditioning what what's happening i'm worried more than the sandwich what are you here for yeah i'm just fucking this sandwich either get in or get out okay, you might be able to trick your way into being picked

because, again, you've kind of scared off the competition. And they might be like, this cat needs to be reborn so that this will stop. This cat needs heaven. This cat needs to see our cat lord just to kind of straighten him out a little bit. I'll do it on a movie like we just have to make him

the Jellicle Troi it's okay or I can't do another year of this it's either the heavy side layer or muted

or we shoot him in the head okay and I'm happy either way to be honest yeah you've basically in the end

have the same strategy as Macavity that's true because Macavity tries to kill every cat and then is like, you've got to pick me now. You've got to pick me because I am pure filth. The world will be a better place if you send me to heaven.

I know that. Old Deuteronomy. I'm a drain on society. Okay, I'm aware of that. Make your choice. I'm the cat equivalent of shitting in the shower and stomping it down the drain. Okay, I'm the only cat with a

visible penis. I could sheath it, but I refuse. I'm not gonna. That would waste time. If I sheath it now, I'll have to unsheath it later. If I sheath it, again, it's a whole chafing issue. It's just better out. I'm the only cat with visible nipples too.

I also like to imagine you're the only cat that also seems visibly sweaty. My fur's a bit matted. I thought cats don't sweat, they pant. I'm also panting. I'm also panting. I just lick myself, Hayes, to add to the eroticism. So it's like you get a whole cast ensemble, and there's your cat just bent over,

licking its own anus. Absolutely. It's a climax. That's how the- He's just cleaning himself. Oh, no. That's how Dong Dong, the junkyard horny cat, the first version, ends.

It's, I'll fuck anything. I'll fuck anything. Even me. Even my own mouth. And then I go into a sort of Self-suck ball And then Macavity picks me up like a basketball And dunks me into his warlock hole

Yeah, that makes sense So that's Dong Dong The junkyard horny cat That's me I'm in the running I want to go more of a Like a sphinx cat. Okay, great.

A hairless gross boy, if you will. I like the name Portobello Fat Fat. Oh, Portobello Fat Fat, the hairless cat. Yeah, because I think I could be a bit of a- Oh, clever ending with fat, because no matter what word you picked, it rhymed, because fat rhymes with cat. Portobello Fat Fat, he's a hairless cat, cat. Yeah, it writes itself.

Beautiful. Lines with cat. What about a fat, fat, he's a hairless cat, cat. Yeah, it writes itself. And so like a sphinx cat, there potentially could be like a sheltered cat. Kind of like, you know, Jenny, any dots. But because it's a hairless cat, they're very good for people with allergies. So perhaps a cat of a family or a child or something like that who's like a bubble boy. And so the whole thing is that I'm trapped in this protective bubble world

that I want to get out of. Well, that's, I mean, that is, if there's any reason you should be the Jellicle choice, you need another life. Yeah. Absolutely. Like a lot of the songs will be in between sort of me singing to Victoria between like a membrane, kind of like either the bubble

that I've been trapped in. Membrane. Or a window or something Membrane And like all like You know those The two Like the incest twin cats

Yeah yeah Those ones Like they could be trying to like open up all the latches of the windows And I'm trying to sneak out But like it keeps getting like Closed by the Closed by the invisible hand of the boy that you belong to Yeah

Is this Do you get, so obviously I had a full ensemble song. Is your song a one-on-one or is it like as Victoria and, I forget the names of the incest twins.

Do you know what the incest twins' names are? They were great names. Yeah, Rumble something. Oh, Rumble Tiger. Oh, Rumble Tiger. Yeah, Rumpel Tiger. Rumpel Tiger and... Hang on. Look it up.

We need to know. We need these names. So I think it'd be a kind of a back and forth between the Incest Twins, Victoria and myself. Oh, okay. Or mostly between me and the Incest Twins. Mungo Jerry and Rumpel Teaser. Mungo Jerry and Rumpel Teaser. Mungo Jerry and Rumpelteaser.

So I imagine your song taking place as Mungo Jerry and Rumpelteaser are taking Victoria through the house. They come across the child's bedroom and they're like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. And then they gesture to you and you've got your little oily hands up against the inside of the membrane. Yes. And you sing your song. Like, you know, those things like those plastic plastic tunnels you can kind of get for hams and bigger ones for cats? Like, constantly just stuck in that.

So they're all, like, multicoloured, and it's kind of, like, you know, pouring through those. Is your song a quick song, or is it more of a ballad? I want to say it's a quick, sad song. Okay. Quick and sad. Quick and sad, and you're wanting freedom. Yeah, yeah. It's a wanting sad song. Quick and sad. Quick and sad and wanting freedom. Yeah, yeah.

It's a wanting song. Absolutely. Help me. I want some freedom. I need some freedom. I'm stuck in this giant membrane. Tell me, what is the air like? Tell me, what is the rain like?

Will I be okay outside? I am so oily. Even though my boy is okay because I have no fur, still he is covered in oil. Do you have a paper towel? That's the last line of the song for sure. And then Rumpelteazer and Mungo Jerry

wipe your head down and the three of you, four of you, including Victoria, escape into the night. As opposed to you as a panting cat, I think maybe I'm the only visible your head down and the three of you, four of you including Victoria, escape into the night. Yeah, because again, as opposed to you as a panting cat, I think maybe I'm the only visible oily cat, which might look like sweat. Everywhere you go, you leave

a trail of oil. Absolutely. You're sweating from your cat face, but it's yellow like your oil would be. And I imagine once you're out of the membrane, which maybe is like the climax of the middle of the song, where maybe Rumpeltease or Mungo Jerry slice the membrane and you burst out. But then the song is like, oh, my God, is this rain?

And it's quite upsetting for you because you've never experienced it before. Exactly. It's like, oh, no, this fresh air. Gross. What is the smell? Ew. Is that garbage? It was bad in the membrane and out.

You span over and there's your cat just fucking a dead pigeon. Like, wow. You've got the two songs, which are I want out of the membrane. And then your second part is I want back in the membrane. Put me back. The world is bad. Put me back. The world is bad.

I was wrong. I'll admit that. I am cat enough to admit that I was wrong about that. Put me back in the membrane. I'll be a good boy. I'll stroke that guy's face. I don't really care. I hate this place.

But if you decide to make me the Jellicle choice, that will be good too. And then you scurry back into the membrane. Slide back. You're right. Like a slug. Like an oily little slug. me the jellicle choice that will be good too and then you scurry back into the membrane slide back you're right like a slug what was your name portobello fat fat portobello fat fat the hairless cat cat yeah yeah great great who moves like a slug moves like a slug feels like a slug keeps a boy alive it's very funny that if you get made the jellicle choice. I mean, that's one thing working against you. A boy will die. I mean, I guess Portobello Fat Fat's not the boy's nurse.

You're just a cat. I mean, I might think I'm the nurse. I might think that I'm its life support. It might be a scrimbleshank situation where you're like, I need to keep this boy alive. It's all on me. It's all on me. I do it all.

Yeah, but is popping you out of the membrane bad for the boy as well? Look, we don't need to worry about the boy as well. Cats doesn't concern themselves in the issues of man. Is Macavity taking Portobello Fat Fat? I think that yes, and Portobello Fat Fat panics and is stuck on the barge and hates it. Oh, no. That's so slippy.

Oh, in those. Oh, that could get free pretty easily. Maybe. Yeah, that climactic scene. I mean, all of the cats get free pretty easily. That's true. I mean, all that happens is. Jenny Annie Dotts just takes off her skin.

Oh, yeah. That's a thing they can do. I would just slip out of the ropes. You slip out of your ropes. Then Jenny Annie Dotts slips out of her skin and you're like, I hate it outside. Wow. Sucks. slip out of your ropes then jenny any dot slips out of her skin and you're like i hate it outside wow sucks this this is exactly why i need a bath okay and now a quick word from our sponsors also did you know we do too many shows across the sans pants radio network take dnds for nerds an actual play dungeons and dragons podcast that i'm mostly on never played dnd in your life don't worry up until we started i had neither meticulously edited by yours truly so you don't

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What's he doing here? Does he get a song? Why doesn't he get a song? He gets a bit of a song. It's not much of one, but he gets a couple of lines. Yeah, that's good. I mean, Victoria gets a couple of lines too. She doesn't have any a song? He gets a bit of a song It's not much of one But he gets a couple of lines Yeah that's good I mean Victoria gets a couple of lines too She doesn't have any songs That's true

Oh and when Victoria is there Like you know As I get out of the membrane Or whatever it is I could just kind of Do like a cat slide up against her Leaving a greasy patch Yeah absolutely

You slide up against her face Where it puts her cat hair Like you put jelly Yeah Slicked up And she makes a little shudder And you're like was that played for a comedic moment I don't know

what genre is cats again also horny yeah the trick is it's bugs there's a lot of little double entendres about how the greasy cat could also be self lubricated and no one knows if it's funny or it's meant to be horny because it's not really

horny it's kind of gross but they're acting like it's funny. Or it's meant to be horny. It's not really horny. It's kind of gross. But they're acting like it's sexy. Maybe they use a long word that's not real like self-lubricatory or something. And you're like, I don't understand but I'm horny. My brain doesn't understand but my dick seems to.

My genitals are aflame. In some parts I can grab my little hairless tail and use it as a microphone. That's bad. It looks like a hot dog. flame. And in some parts I can grab my little hairless tail and use it as a microphone. Oh no. That's bad because it looks like a hot dog. Yes. A hot dog. Absolutely. Not a rat's penis.

That's what we're going with. A hot dog. I've tried to keep it G-rated for all those little kiddies listening to this podcast. And you have this nice little moment where the incest twins could be chasing it. I also don't like that we call them incest twins, but that's fine. They're the incest twins. I think the people know, you know, they can tell. So, yeah, am I the eugenical choice?

I think you're in the running as much as I am. You will be there at the climax of the film. Oh, well, you've been kidnapped by Macavity. How does Macavity get me? Just slides me into a hole yeah i think mcavity warlock portal and off i go mcavity maybe oils up the floor and then in as you're running maybe you just slide along it lubed up and into one of his warlock holes i can imagine you deciding to go back to the membrane and you get back and it's all you've

patched up and you're back inside and then there's just like a yeah that's it membrane and then you turn around and then the cavity's there and that's it and we cut away and then the next time we see you you're on the barge regeni antidots and um and and and buster jones yeah don't don't ever forget that i i'm so glad i didn't all right so your cat's pretty good choices uh but not jell. Not Jellicle choices. No. Well, I mean, see, the thing is, Jackson, Portobello Fat Fat, he's a Jellicle cat. I'm not even sure if yours counts as a Jellicle cat. I might be, you know how- Filth?

Yeah, Jenny Annie Dots is another kind of cat as well as being a Jellicle cat. Well, no, she's a Gumby cat, but that's the same way that you're a Junkyard cat. But, like, Victoria doesn't become a Jellicle cat until the end of the film. Yeah. Because you have to work to become a Jellicle cat. Well, no, she's a Gumby cat, but that's the same way that you're a Junkyard cat. But, like, Victoria doesn't become a Jellicle cat until the end of the film. Yeah. Because you have to work to become a Jellicle cat.

So I've yet to work to become a Jellicle cat, and therefore I'm not legible for the Jellicle choice. You're one of those subcategories we call filth cats. Yeah, filth cat. Or a hongus cat. Why, that's Dong Dong of the hongus cat. Stay away from him. He just fucks just anything. We've got the Jellicles, we've of the Hongus, Cap. Stay away from him. He just fucks just anything.

We've got the Jellicles, we've got the Warlock, and the third party, the Hongus. Hi. Are you talking about me? Are you talking about me? Yes. As he's done the fucking clumped up bit of leaves. I'm fucking this pile of leaves.

It's autumn. Yeah. That's nice. Someone's got to. So introducing so we've got, okay, we've got a horny cat. We've got a hairless cat. We don't have another type of cat that is very, very

very common and that's the feral cat. So introducing douchey boy, the brawler cat. That's good. Introduced with a native animal in your mouth I cannot express this enough I will fucking fight you As you're eating a possum You got one of those spoken words cat songs

Come and try your luck And then you punch Victoria in the face i will fuck you up careful of him that's douchey boy he's indiscriminate in who he attacks he's feral he's never had an owner no collar oh yes lots of hissing yeah so many hissing oh absolutely maybe you kill um like a little rat. You know, like we had Jenny Antidotes who trained the rats and cockroaches to dance. You brutally murder them. Can I add some little accoutrement to your persona?

I'm a black and white cat, by the way, but like long haired. I think we were all imagining that. How do we get the equivalent of a motorbike and a leather jacket in cat form Oh easy, just give me a literal leather jacket And a motorbike That's about what I even asked Yeah like I mean leather jacket definitely

Motorbike not so much It's great for you to be one of the few cats wearing clothes Yeah Just a leather jacket and there's studs on the shoulders Absolutely And like knuckle dusters cats wearing clothes. Yeah. If any cats- Just a leather jacket and there's studs on the shoulders. Absolutely. And like a knuckle- Knuckle dusters. May I add for

sort of like supreme unpleasantness, boots. Oh, yes. No pants, leather jacket, boots. That's very good.

How many cats have clothes? You got- Mr. Mephistopheles has a top hat. Mr. Mephistopheles. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You then have the warlock. He's clothed.

Macavity, because he takes off his coat. And it's not. Yeah, my brain subconsciously prepared myself for dick, even though no one- I know. Yeah. That was one of the three horniest moments of that film. The number one for you is definitely when Rum Tum Tug

is sang into Victoria's foot. Absolutely. Yeah, just double check. I mean, that's everyone's most horniest moment of that film. Because that is, he looks like he's going to suck on her toe. And it's a human foot. It's like a freight train.

Freight train of horny coming into the station. Speaking of freight trains, Scrimbleshanks wears a coat as well. That's true. He's got those sexy suspenders. Yeah, absolutely. Oh yeah, he wears pants, no top. And boots.

Tap dances for a bit. Where are we encountering you in the film Cats? At what point? Mate, imagine, what if I'm on the barge before anything? That's good. I will fuck you up and then you just punch Ray Wise in the face. Get off my barge. This is our barge.

No, it's not, mate. Not anymore. Funny you should say that. I like that my cat is played by both me and Jason Statham. McCavity comes in. Right, what is going on? Who's this get off my barge? Right-o, mate, you're fucked.

What? Next time we see McCavity, black eye. Yeah, absolutely. He lost that fight. Missing a tooth, may I add. Oh, yeah, of course. Maybe one fang. Oh, yeah, that's good.

Nice big scratch down the side of your face. I imagine part of your sort of introductory song is you're like, I will fuck you up. And as you say that, like a kind of wave of cats come towards you and with one punch they all go flying back oh and then on the other side again and it's kind of an it's a happy song yeah whereas yours was a one like maybe like a cane or some kind of like a chain oh a chain oh i like it swing in a chain discriminating just like smacking folk and i imagine your song is horny too. Yeah.

You know, you're a horny cat in that you're tough and you're kind of intimidating in a sense. The same way that a greaser is horny. Yeah, absolutely. You're like the bad boy. Yeah, absolutely. Which cats doesn't have weird, I mean, Macavity, but no one really wants to fuck Macavity except Taylor Swift.

Absolutely. But then everyone wants to fuck, but that's because of the cat. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Look, I'm happy to bridge that gap.

Absolutely. You're the bad boy. You're horny and dangerous. I'm the anti-hero. Yeah. The anti-hero of cats. Douchey boy. What was your douchey boy?

The brawler cat. The brawler cat. Yeah. Great. Brawler cat. Great. Very nice. So the problem is, though, your life is pretty sweet.

Yeah. Do you even want to change? Yeah, why do you want to change? Yeah, why do you not want to change? I want it. The people want me to change. And obviously, Dammit wants to change so he can no longer look after a sick boy. Maybe I have the same motives as Jenny Anydots.

I just want to live the same life again because I'm stoked. That's good. Or maybe I'm like, I just want to live the same life again because I'm stoked. That's good. Or maybe I'm like, I want to know what love is. Know what love is. Oh, nice. Oh, if you were played by like Meatloaf, but like circa 83 or something, you know? Coming off Rocky Horror, Meatloaf gets cast in Cats

as douchey boy, the brawler cat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Same entrance, to be honest. Yeah, absolutely. Same outfit, to be honest. Meatloaf the Brawler Cat. Same name. Same name.

Meatloaf is a great cat name. It's an incredible cat name. Maybe also you want to get to the Heaviside lair because you've heard that there's more bashings to be done up there. Absolutely. Like how you will fuck the moon. I will fight the moon. Yeah, I will bash the moon.

Oh, like a nice little reprise into the two of you? Like, I will fuck the moon. I will bash the moon. I will bash the moon. We will just destroy the moon. Wow! The moon's just going to be a no-shame. We will bash the, we will just destroy the moon. Wow. The moon's just going to be a no shame.

Look out, cunt. Just both of you yelling and howling at the moon. You can imagine like the big moon and then like in front, like the two silhouettes. One gesturing, just thrusting it. One just giving it with his fists. I just like the idea of a moon and then a shadow of a fist. Silhouette of a fist.

The fist connects with the penis and there's like a, and then we cut to the next scene. What happened? What happened? You punched me in the dick. We got too close. Bashing and fucking should never meet

You know It's dangerous Yeah just like I think that my motive is like Make me the Jellicle choice So I can finish what I've been put here for I'm gonna bash the moon I'm gonna bash the moon I'm gonna bash the cat god

He's gonna bash Wait wait wait I'm gonna fight the cat god. He's going to bash it. Wait, wait, wait. I'm going to fight the cat god. I'll do tyranny. Let me up there or I'll bash you. Threatening your way into the heavy side layer. You've done a Macavity. Yeah, but like a really direct Macavity.

No magic, just fists. None of this warlock shit. That's pretty good. Mr. Mistoffelees sings a song about, I don't care. Oh, was there? Shut up. I've got this chain. No.

A cat's so cute. Shut up. Cosmetic. No. That's great if that's your backing beat. A whole bunch of other lesser tough cats start punching their hand and then you start singing. Oh, yeah, that's a good introduction.

Absolutely. They're like, oh, oh. And everybody's like, beat thing. Maybe I kick the shit out of Rum Tum Tugger. Maybe that's my introduction. Yeah, Rum Tum Tugger finishes his song. He's like, milk! And I'm like, not today, cunt.

I like to imagine as the punching starts, every cat flees except for Victoria because she's new to all of this. And then you appear and then you sing your song largely to her and then to the rest of the cats. All right, well, climax of the film. We've brought old Deuteronomy back. She's picking

have we done better than old sad than old Grizabella well old Grizabella sings memories to no one

and Victoria sees it and then brings her inside and old Deuteronomy's like mmm that's true so I guess we just stop that from happening I mean

although the problem is if Grizabella isn't picked, I feel like, okay, so say we're not in this version of the film, let's just go normal version of cats. Victoria doesn't go outside at that point. I reckon all Deuteronomy is probably picking Mr. Mistoffelees. Yeah, absolutely.

But you've stopped Mr. Mistoffelees. Which means that all Deuteronomy has not been brought back. Oh, that's true. I've gone to the barge. I know where it is. Yeah, you go to the barge. You bash Macavity. Collect Zamet.

Maybe I hold him by his tail in the water. You just whack him on the boat like a fish you need to kill. Throw him to you. Yeah. Yeah, all right. Throw him to you Yeah alright And then Then we had Back having saved everybody And then old Deuteronomy has to make her choice

I'm gonna wager None of us Old Deuteronomy's like well maybe Zamet like the moon shouldn't Be fucked or punched Shouldn't it? We've never tried That's true well maybe she'll send all three of us to get us out of her hair.

You know? Again, it's not a, I want to do this. It's a, I should do this. For the good of cats. For the good of the Jellicle cats. We get to pick what we come back as, though. Oh no, imagine we come back as one cat. I hate this. Oh, Portobello Fat Fat been like, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, fat No no no Not with them I'm fine in the bubble We're gonna fucking bash the moon dude Strap yourself in buddy It's gonna be wild up there Back into a corner Wide eyes It's so cold up here

And wet Windy and hot, I don't know. Should have had fur, dude. Yeah. Fuck, maybe when you get reborn, you should get fur, man. I got heaps. Yeah, can I use maybe your jacket? Nah.

It's part of the look. Come back as one cat who is horny, angry, and delicate. So, Macavity? Yeah, I suppose so. Oh, Mr. Mistoffelees. Yes. Oh, yeah. If anyone is horny, angry, and a little delicate.

Well, he's delicate and horny and a little angry. Yeah, that's true. But whatever, he's got a bit of all three. He's like impotent, frustrated. Yeah, big incel energy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you know?

Yeah, it makes you... It is. Absolutely. So, look, You know, it makes you, it is. Absolutely. Look, we may not have been the Jellicle choice of old Deuteronomy, but I feel like it would be the Jellicle choice of the people. Yeah, absolutely.

They would, she'd sent old Grizabella up to the heavyside layer. And then she'd be like, and the people's choice. We get sent in a second balloon. We get tied like ballast. And off we'd go. We get tied like ballast to the first balloon. And off we'd go.

Look, a new day has begun. I think that's how cats should have gone. Isabella pretty much gets picked solely because she used to be popular and now isn't. Maybe old Deuteronomy's like, I feel far worse for these three. What happened to them? At some point, something went wrong for me and Jackson, definitely. These began as normal cats.

They were born just like any other cat. Yeah, absolutely. They were born as cats, not dogs. Yeah, cats aren't dogs. Send them to the Heaviside Lair. Try again. Yes, I think we'd be sent on a try again mentality. And on that note, I've been Portobello Fat Fat, the hairless cat cat.

I've been Dong Donger, the junkyard horny cat. And I've been Douchey Boy, the brawler cat. And we have been our own Jellicle choice, despite what others may suggest. Memories! All alone in the moonlight! If you want to follow us on Twitter, you can find us at Sandspants Radio, or you can find us individually. I'm at Douche13. I'm at OldDogsOfDead. And I'm at GodDammitZammit. If you want to hear our other shows, you can head to SandspantsRadio.com,

and you'll find all our other content there. There's heaps. And if you want to support us, head to SandspantsPlus.com. Thank you again for listening, and we'll see you again next time. Good night for now. But not forever. Kisses.