Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Break Bad?

Episode Date: February 5, 2023

Oh no! The boys have some terrible news and need to make money quick to avoid the dreaded Stage 5: Heaven! An honest living is out of the question so hold up and let them crook, the boys are about to break bad. Jackson’s inability to swallow a pill once more ruins his life, Zammit decides to embezzle from a podcast company (like in real) and Duscher makes the perfect Kickstarter. Full of impeccable impressions, pickmans and Tax Goodmans, this episode really asks the important question if we’ve hit a creative height or creative low. Let us know what you think! And of course, house turd fish.Buy our terrible merch here and check out the Bad Brain Boys on Apple Podcasts at apple.co/badbrainboys. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

you're listening to the sandspans network hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of plumbing the death star i'm joel i'm jackson forgot for a second there did you i'm also john uh what i forgot was not my name that part is easy i couldn't remember if i say the next sentence first or the names first. Okay. Yes, that's fair. But this is the pod- I do remember now, because this is the podcast where we ask

the important questions, and it would be silly then if I was like, and I'm Joel. And everybody's waiting with bated breath. What are those important questions? Well, Jackson, I'm glad you asked, because the important question today that we are going to answer is, how would you break bad? Whoa, I wish I could do the music from Breaking Bad. What is the music from Breaking Bad? And then it goes on to like

other bullshit. There's not heaps of music. That's why Mad Men's better than Breaking Bad because that's got a theme song you can say you're watching to. Can we hear it? Okay, that is more recognizable than our boom-da-do-do.

Mad Men. How'd you Mad Men? How would I not? No, Breaking Bad. It's a thing that happens. Yeah? It's the best of it. All night, Walter White.

He's like, man, I'm feeling a bit dog shit. Wally White being like, I feel a bit sick. Gotta go see, yeah, old doctor. See what doctor got to say. Hey, hey, Dr. Nick. Hey, Mr. White. What's going on i'm sad i'm getting a sad hand job from my wife oh yeah i forgot about that happy birthday mr white anyway

hey doc what's up oh shit brother it's bad news you got cancer it's the big c and it's stage four it's pretty it's not looking good is it stage four stage three either way it's not looking good. Is it stage four or stage three? Either way, it's not looking good. No, because it's just like... You have to pay the money for the chemo. And if it's stage... Is it coming back from stage four? You can come back from anything, baby. There's no stage five, is basically what I'm saying.

Stage four is like... It must be stage three then. Yeah. And it is, I guess, also worth noting that at time of recording, I'm sitting here awaiting to find out if I have testicular cancer currently. So if you think any of the cancer jokes are like, oh, don't be joking about that, I might have it currently. And I do have it.

It is actually good. It's good to laugh about no stage five. Bonus level heaven. Yeah. five. Bonus level, heaven. So, Walt the White he's like, oh shit, well this is me cooked, but I need to give money for my family. What are my

skills? Isn't it like, oh shit I've got the bad lung, and I need money for chemo. Isn't it a combination of both? Because he's like, I will be leaving my family nothing. Nothing lung and I need money for chemo isn't it a combination of both because he's like I will be leaving my family nothing

and I don't have the money to afford this or whatever he gets some offers from some people he used to know they say

oh hey we can pay for it he's too proud he says no fuck right off you stole my company from me I'll kill you

I'll kill you where you stand I'm gonna you know what I'm gonna do methamphetamine I'm not gonna do methamphetamine I'm gonna... You know what I'm gonna do? Methamphetamine. I'm not gonna do methamphetamines. I'm gonna cook methamphetamine. Hold up, let him cook. Hold up, let him

cook. Yeah, I'm gonna use science, bitch. Jesse's there too. Jesse's there too. That's true, that's true. He breaks bad for no reason. He just needs the money. That's sort of the tragedy of Jesse Pickford is that he breaks bad for no reason. He's got no prospects. He can't do much. He just wants to money. That's sort of the tragedy of Jesse Pickford is that he breaks bad for no reason. He's got no prospects.

Yeah, that's true. He can't do much. He just wants to sling his meth and he puts a little bit of chili in there. That's right. He does that. Yeah, for no real reason. That's his signature move. That's his signature move.

Hold up. Let him chili. Yeah. A little bit of spice in your spice. Yeah, exactly. I have not smoked meth. Okay, but I can't imagine. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Well done. Depending on the diagnosis, that might change. But I can't imagine putting chili in anything you smoke and tasting it. Well, I think that Walter White might say as much. He might be like, Jesse, you fucking idiot. So as someone who has been cooking like a delicious broccoli,

like some sauteed broccoli, you know what I'm doing? I'm going to put some more delicious cut up habanero chilies on this and let's see what happens in my old kitchen that was poorly ventilated.

It was bare head. It was real bare. I was coughing a lot.. I was coughing a lot. My mum was coughing a lot. We were coughing quite a lot. I bet that probably happens every time he puts the chilli in the mouth, surely. But I don't know how to cook mouth. But then when you smoke the mouth, it's the same thing.

Yeah, if you put it in to say, like, an ice pot. What did you say? Smoke mouth? We can dance around. There is no way for this episode not to be both cancer and drug use heavy. We can't dance around it. There is no way for this episode not to be both cancer and drug use heavy. We can't dance around it. We're talking about breaking the ice.

It's prestige television. So you're sitting there with your torch that you bought because you're a baker and you want a cream brulee better. So you sit in your mate's shed and you're there with your ice pipe. And then you fire that up to taste some delicious ice. And then suddenly like... Is to taste some delicious ice, and then suddenly you're like, is there chili in this ice? That's really quick, but also a bit of a chili. I'm really quick, but need some milk.

Imagine how quick you can drink the milk. I'm going to get some method milk. I'm going to have an awesome night. It is also funny that two things that are meant to be used for baking get used for drug use. That's funny. What?

A creme brulee torch and a bomb? No, that's a water pourer. That's a pouring water. No, whipped cream. Oh, Whippets. Of course, of course, of course. They're known as Nangs. That's true.

They are also known as that. They've got lots of names all across the world. I always forget them, but they're all funny. There's one probably called like Johnny Whippets or something. Whippets is one of them. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway. Well, so Walter White, obviously he was a chemistry teacher.

Yeah, and he's like, I actually, Jesse, Jesse, I already know how to cook math. I can cook the best math and it's going to be blue. Chemistry, Jesse. Whoa. He broke bad so hard he went into that guy. He became Richard Nix. Oh, you got a cook. We got a cook, boys and girls. Holy shit, Nix.

I'm not a cook. I'm a cook. Hold up. Let him crook. Oh, no. Sometimes you're just going to sit back and wonder was plumbing the death star ever good or has it been like this the whole time you gotta stop this episode and go back two three four years listen to an episode come back be like has it gotten worse have they thrown out hold up let him

is that really the pinnacle of where this podcast has gotten to? What if we say we're at a creative height or a creative low for Plot Me The Death Star? That's what you need to ask yourself, listeners. So I guess, to bring us back. To break bad, I guess what we're going to have to do is find something that we're good at. Find something that I guess we can morally bend to do. Yes. And something that,

and it also needs to be able to make us money. Absolutely. And I guess the best way to, the best way to judge by the end of the episode, we should have made the best money without getting us dead or. Who got the chair. Yeah. Yeah. I guess it's like,

what did we do with that money? We get to keep some of that money. True. Because if we end up dying That's fine Spoilers happens to Walter The world and a gun I'll still kid Jesse gets on the boss

In terms of legacy in terms of providing for fam, all the money that he provided ends up, I guess, getting taken by the feds. Yeah, that's true. So really, he fucked it. Yeah, he cooked it. He absolutely did not break bad well. Are we allowed a sort of no-good-nick teen like Jesse Pinkman to help us out? You can have Jesse if you want.

What up, bitch? Let's break bad, bitch. Our impressions of Walthaway and Jesse Pinkman, bitch? Let's break bad, bitch. Our impressions of Walter White and Jesse Pinkbeard, can I just say, are so accurate. Yo, Mr. Jackson! I'm Walter White,

and I'm here to break some bad. Hell yeah! It's me, Jesse! I'm Jesse Pinkbeard, not Michael J. Fox from Back to the Future. We're here to prank back. Whoa, this is getting heavy, bitch. Hey, Mr. Why is it weird to be sexy attracted to your own mother? What are you talking about, Jesse?

That's fucking insane. We've got to go back. We've got to go back. Oh, no. Oh, God. Okay, I reckon I could smuggle. I'll smuggle. You're sick.

So was Walt. Yeah, but Walt. Yeah. But Walt. I mean, Walt chose a way to break bad that if he was frail at any point, he didn't actually have to do anything. Well, what, how physical is smuggling? Okay, what are you, first off, what are you smuggling? How do people need to smuggle?

Well, what are you smuggling? I'll smuggle drugs. Okay, what drugs and where? So, first off, it was like, okay, okay, guys, can we rewind back a mere moment before we went to hell? Superb and pitch perfect impressions of both Jesse and Mr. White. Now, Dusha did say you have to pick a skill you're good at. Smuggling. Never smuggled?

So what have you smuggled in this country, Jackson? Okay, well, let's tone it down. Let's tone it down from smuggling. Because, like, obviously, Walter White's not good. Wait a second. Sorry, before you even go there. So smuggling usually involves, say, for example, transport. Yeah.

How's that license going, Jackson? Well, I'll go in the backseat or the boot or whatever. Then you're getting smuggled. You might as well be a briefcase at that point. Well, I'm unassuming, I thought. So what, you're gonna take the bus to smuggle drugs

what are you doing well to be fair I swallow a condom full of cocaine or whatever I get on the bus the bus goes across the border

they're looking they're like that guy's unassuming I don't think I don't think he's got cocaine in his guts. No one who takes the bus can show his smile.

It's not even like a cross-state line. It's just like one of the ones that goes, it's a different suburb. I'm just going to take the 86. Hop on a tram. I've made it through multiple security checks at airports where they've not checked because I've been too annoying. But also, you're breaking bad here. Yes. And you've said you're swallowing a condom full of cocaine.

Uh-huh. I've heard a lot of this, I guess. Plus, I got a Jesse Pinkman to help me out. Smuggling, bitch. So, you've got two condoms full of cocaine on a bus. Or on an airplane.

They have x-rays. They also have sniffer dogs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're gonna have a fucking dog up your ass. She's a fucking full on canine sniffing that noose. His cocaine just dripping out.

Sir, you seem to be leaking a white spout. That's me shitting. Also, like I said, I know that we're going back to like, look, I'm not confident that I could smuggle drugs, but I know that swallowing a cond like, look, I'm not confident that I could smuggle drugs. Yeah. But I know that swallowing a condom.

You can't swallow pills, dude. Oh, yeah. You can't fucking, I have a condom full of cocaine in a ravioli. I can't swallow pills or drive. I'm going to be a drug smuggler. We said pick some skills you have. You picked the two things you can't do. I may have picked the worst possible thing to break bad with.

I may have made a big mistake. All right. Okay, first off, you want to start smuggling. What's your first move? Okay. I'm going to talk to the cartel, right? Your first move is to go to the cartel? I would.

I'll do it for the cartel. Okay. Go to the cartel. Mr. Cartel. I'm sick. I need to break bad. Can I have some money? I'll swallow your condom. I'm really sick. I need to break bad. Can I have some money? I'll swallow your condom.

I'm really sick. I got a foolproof method. You see, I am not assuming. Oh, you'll drive the drugs across the border? No, sir. I will take the bus. Okay, swallow this condom full of cocaine. Hang on, I'll get it

do you have so much as a ravioli around maybe two sheets of like lasagna pasta that we can encase this bad boy can I chew it I'm great forget the boss I'm gonna run it there Just biting it like a fucking hot dog

Exploding in your mouth Whoa Is that meant to happen? You die of a heart attack You lit the cocaine barrel up They gave me the cocaine The condom full of cocaine And I just untied and drank it

You're meant to swallow it in the condom. Oh! I just thought I'd shit out the cocaine on the other side. It's all right, I haven't eaten anything else today, so I'm going to still shit out a fine powder. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mmm, I need to run away really fast. Nothing but pupil.

You put an ear to your chest. I can't hear a heartbeat. Only a dog can hear it. It's gone that far. I imagine it's a constant noise of like Your heart should not be making a horn noise. Your heart should not be screaming.

You should not have a screaming heart. So you said you were sick yet? Yeah! But I feel amazing! You're going to die in about four seconds. I feel really good. I'm going to break bad quick. I'm going to run across the state border.

Dead at the cartel's feet. They cut me open and get the cocaine back, I guess. Okay, so again, that sentence alone has proved you do not know how any of that works. You can't cut someone open

and get the powder back out. It's in your blood. It's dissolved. Well, I swallowed it, though. It's like, I don't know. Hey, can I have two teaspoons of sugar in my tea? Oh, actually, I meant one. Can you get one of them out now?

How? How are you going to do it? How are you going to unmake soup? Okay, I picked a bad one. You worked wrong. They're not all winners. You know what? Without us jumping in, just talk.

So when you said smuggling, what was your plan? Well, I was not thinking of smuggling drugs at first. Well, because we said, what are you smuggling? And then you said drugs. That wasn't us. That was you. But okay. You cracked under the slide.

I wasn't even at that point aggressive. We hadn't even revealed you don't have a license. Smuggling? Okay. What are you smuggling? Drugs. Well, what else needs to be smuggled? I don't know! This is your plan, buddy. Smuggling? Drugs. Well, what else needs to be smuggled?

I don't know! This is your plan, buddy! When you said I'm smuggling, what were you thinking of if not drugs? I think I was thinking of having a little hatch in a vehicle of some kind where I hide whatever I'm smuggling across the border, presumably from America to Mexico. That's what I was thinking of. And you're smuggling. So wait, when you said...

Are you being a FedEx? You're being... Wait, you're thinking too... So when you said smuggling, all you were thinking about is how cool it would be to have a car that has a hole in it, basically. Yeah, yeah. A secret panel. Yeah, pretty much.

Where I could put whatever... I've got a great idea to break bad. Go out to a car that's not mine, I go to the bus. The bus has one, because that's where the spare tire is. Yeah, well, I'll put a... I can't put it in there without the people who are in the bus knowing, so...

Yeah, I don't know. Maybe smuggling was not the right choice. I'm starting to think that, yes. 100%. That had crossed my mind. Yeah, because you're like, I wasn't thinking of smuggling drugs. You weren't thinking of smuggling anything. You were just thinking of the concept of smuggling.

Was it this? Just smuggling is what came to mind without any afterthought. You also went first. Yeah, you just jumped in. Yeah, yeah. Do you want to do you want another well what are you going all of a sudden okay okay listen i got two options one i was thinking well uh white collar crime okay embezzlement yeah um and and maybe tax fraud oh yeah they're a good one because

famously there's usually no consequences. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a one and you die. So I guess the consequence is stage five. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So once I hit stage five, I've already embezzled and lived my life. Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry, family, I guess. Are you embezzling from this company? Well, I assume because you've got to be the skills that you have.

So it has to be the company that I currently run. Yeah, that's true. Sorry, boys. have, so it has to be the company that I currently run, which is like, sorry boys. No but damn. Even then. I mean first of all, it's a podcast company, so your family- Well I'm not getting heaps. The legacy is already tarnished. Yeah, damn.

But you could probably trick us by being like, oh advertising numbers are down, so I'm gonna cut your pay or whatever. Or I'll be like, hey, sorry, we've made a donation. I'm donating 75% of all money raised to ticket sales at Avatar 2 to ensure that it becomes the highest grade film. We're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fair enough, dude. Fair enough. Can I pay for that?

James Cameron deserves it. He deserves it. He deserves all the money in the world. Let's see how deep in the ocean we can get him. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Embezzling from this company. Embezzlement when you run the company and no one is going to check what you're doing

does seem pretty easy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, what is embezzlement? And also, if I Googled how do I embezzle, am I going to get on a list? Guys, wonder for research purposes. If you type in how do I embezzle and you end up on a list,

then when they're vetting that list they'll see where you work and they'll say, don't worry about this one. There's nothing good that can come from this. I'll do it. I'm not a boss of a company. I guess it's like wage theft. I could do it. I'm not the boss of a company. Yeah, that's true. I guess it's like wage theft. I could do wage theft.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Big time wage theft. Not pay your super contributions and then pocket that myself. Oh, yeah. And maybe use that money and bet on the ponies. Okay. Because I was going to say, I think wage theft is not going to get you the amount of money you need.

You're not going to reach Walter White levels of wealth before you park it. So a lot of the numbers and stuff, I leave to accountants because I'm stupid. And so if it's like, well, if I can push things on and be like, ah, can we just push that and whatever? So further enough down the line so we don't get a fine and use some of that money that would have been earmarked for taxes or super contributions or paying bills on time or whatever. And if we extend that, so then we have a pool of money, and then what do we do?

How do you get it into your bank account? But then it's just in my – but then I need it to make money. What do the rich do? How do the rich make money? They invest in stuff, right? Do you need an offshore bank account? Or is that long-term stuff? Do you need, this is why the ponies, I get why you went to the ponies.

The ponies is quicker to me. Or buy like a billion lotto tickets or whatever. Buy a bunch of scratchies. Yeah. If I go to a newsagent, say like 10 grand, and I'm like, give me 10 grand worth of scratchies? Yeah. If I go to a newsagent, and they're like, say like 10 grand, and I'm like, give me 10 grand worth of scratchies,

will I come out on top? I mean, no. Damn. I don't think the odds are in your favor. That's unfortunately how that works. The odds are not in your favor. But here's some advice, listeners. Yeah.

Chase those losses. They can't, listeners. Yeah. Chase those losses. They can't run forever. Yeah. Statistically. Someone's got to win. Might as well be you. It's like a 50-50 chance, right? I'm either the winner or not.

Imagine how cut we would be. Like, we start to lose some of our wages for some reason. And we notice our soup is not getting paid. Yeah. And then Sam, it's getting happier and happier and happier. And then Sam. The moment he gets sad, I'm like, Scratches.

He spent all our money on a lot of things. Show me your hand. Show me your hand. It's like that silver bullshit all under my fingernails. If I open the spare room in your house, Salmon, is it going to be full of Scratches you've scratched? It's like, no. I'm in a lot of trouble. I think we all are. If I open the spare room in your house, is it going to be full of scratchies you've scratched? I'm in a lot of trouble.

I think we all are. I looked up for, so I took a slightly, I mean, I did Google how do you embezzle. But it came up 18 warning signs that you're embezzling. You are embezzling. And yeah, it's just stealing money from the company. A lot of the time it's just like writing a fake invoice. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's what Skylar does anyway.

She writes up like a fake thing for the car washing. So then it makes that dirty money clean. Oh, how would you make your dirty money clean? Scratchies. Wow. Embezzle. No, because that is embezzling. Oh, yeah.

No, fair enough. Sorry, it is embezzling, and then it is laundering. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you use that money to buy scratchies, then you win legitimate money. Yeah, that's true. And then you pay it back. Yeah. There's like a paper trail.

I guess you could be like, I'm taking a loan from myself, like from the company that I control personally. You're going to try and do this so that you're not breaking bad? Using it, yeah. Can you break good? from the company that I control personally. You're going to try and do this so that you're not breaking bad? Using it, yeah. Can you break good? That's only if I win in the scratchies. That's why I win in the scratchies.

Well, I'm up on stage five. That's not my problem anymore. As soon as it dies and at his funeral, we discover he spent all our wages on scratchies. I'm not even sad. I'm mourning a lot less today than I expected to. What's worse, Scratchies or if he went down to the pokies? He's like, oh, he put all our wages into the brickies laptop. I mean, I said ponies.

I feel like I'm happier if he bet on the ponies. I don't know why. Ponies, pokies, or Scratchies? Scratchies is the lowest. In terms of impressed, in terms of how impressed you would be, if I... I don't know what this is.

I don't know what social conditioning this is, but I feel like the ponies has a better chance of winning. No, okay. So you bet on the ponies, I'm like, he was thinking about it. You go the scratchies, I'm like, he's an idiot.

I don't know what that says about me, but that's how I feel. Pokies, where do we? Pokies is right in the middle. I think that pokies is the most surprising, so therefore it's the one I respect the most. What about just full casino? What would that, where would that rank? Oh, that would be number one.

Yeah, absolutely. Because if you go to the casino without money, I'm like, Xamon had a plan. It's because there's so many movies and stuff about like, oh, he's learned how to count cards Zabit hasn't I think to myself, Zabit had a plan and then it's a smash cut to Zabit standing without money in cash in the middle of the casino being like what next?

Is poker or blackjack better for winning? I empire records this and just be like I bet it all on black Could work out. Could work out. And then if it doesn't, like you said, you die. I mean, I'm sure that would also be a form of embezzling, like just stealing money from

workplaces to then gamble on that. Yeah. I mean, if I grabbed like the bunch of money that has been like earmarked for like whatever purposes and I'm like, I'll say the account or whatever. I'm like, no, that's a legitimate business purchase. Oh, yeah. And then I guess I get audited. Then they're like, where is all this money?

And I'm like, oh, fuck. The ponies. The casino. I went down to the dogs. Dogs are ranked the lowest. Really? Yeah. Dogs are, it's like the low ponies.

What about. Ponies with a top? Yeah. Dogs are, it's like the low ponies. What about, um... Ponies are the top. Yeah. They're either end of the spectrum for me. I'm heading down to the low ponies today, fellas. Gonna have a punt. I'm heading up to the high dogs. High dogs, horses. Sorry.

I didn't realize I was the presence of royalty. You can't use high dogs to use the ponies. Horses, your honor. I didn't realize I was the presence of royalty. Excuse me. All right, yeah. Horses, your honor. One big on the hide dogs. Well, that's a pretty good one. What about track side, which is horse racing, but it's a computer game at, like, the pub.

That's pretty grim. I was going to say that's lower than the low horses. I agree, because that feels very unplanned. Oh Great feels very unplanned that is like some of our money and he was like, where do I go? How do I make more money out of it? I'm not really sure how Kino works, but I know it's always at RSL. Yeah Is it like similar ish to bingo Back alley poker game? Oh, yeah, number one.

Number one, because I'm like, although dice, I reckon, ranks even higher for you. Because I think Zamin had a plan and also he got involved with some shady guys, and I respect that. Losing all your money on track side, he wasn't involved in a shady thing, he maybe just went to the pub. Losing your money at the ponies is good because you can throw your

ticket on the ground and hat and stamp on it. And yell at a horse. Gee whiz! Come on, crockle nuts! That's the name of the horse. You dag horse! You have to be a contender! The horse is gone, Jesse!

Crockle nuts! Holy shit! He didn't even place!! He didn't even place! Walter, the fucking horse didn't even place! Okay, how about this? I'm dogs, bitch!

Alright, so, okay, okay, we embezzled from the company, and now I got my lackey, because I forgot I had a little lackey Jesse.

Alright, the thing is, we got, okay, we got a little bit of the ponies. Jesse didn't help me none. Well, you are, you're like, I got

Jesse yesterday, we got two condoms of cocaine. I guess he swallowed his and you just had a heart attack. Jesse then looks at all the cartel members around him and gets shot. Fair enough. Go on. That's sad he never gets to catch that bus. Yeah, damn. All right, so we got a foolproof scheme here.

Alright so we've got a foolproof scheme here so I guess we've got to like basically do rig the ponies so that the horse that we want to win wins or like the other horses lose What's easier? So we're going to drug some horses

I feel it's easier to drug one horse than like you know What are you drugging a horse with that is going to guarantee that it wins a race? Amphetamines. Amphetamines make it really fast and very unwell. That will also make it unruly. There's been cases in history where people drug horses so they can go faster. Not doping, but a horse.

Yeah. Steroids? But for a horse. Yeah. Steroids? But for horse. Watching the horses come out. Ketamine, but for horse. Yeah, ketamine for horse. I steal the horse ketamine. They've never done that before, I'm hearing.

Steal the horse ketamine. Give it to the horse. Take this other ketamine. Okay, maybe it's easier to make the rest of the horses unwell. How? Poison. Plastic. Give them ketamine.

Ketamine will definitely slow them down. Yeah, okay. It'll make their little horse worldwide view a little more sideways that day. LSD, I think. Acid to the other horses. Well, that's good because you can put an acid tab. In water. Yeah, and then the water.

But you can lead a horse to water. You can't make it drink. Horse doesn't need to drink the water. I just pour it in his face. make it drink horse doesn't need to drink the water like cause acid acid is tricky cause like people they're like oh I got a

like an LSD stamp or whatever put it on my tongue whoa I'm tripping balls but if you just hold it the same thing happens you gotta be careful slap onto a horse

or you slap the horse on the rump when it leaves transfer you're already high it's on your bum wear a glove

oh yeah why is. Wear a glove? Oh, yeah. Why is he wearing a glove to slap that horse in the ass? Horses are dirty. He doesn't want no horse arse in. Horses' arses are foul, so I don't want to touch the rump, but I do have to touch the rump

to slap the horse. So you understand you don't need to slap the horse. It's a luck thing. It's a bad luck thing, depending if I want this horse to win or lose. I have to slap every horse.

It's funny that... I noticed you didn't slap that one horse. You slapped it with the other hand. I'm tired. I'm up to this last horse. I better slap it with my other hand. The first horse you slapped is not looking too good. Well, I don't know how long acid would take to affect the horse, but in a person, it takes a while.

That's true, and a horse is bigger than a person. Yeah, but the horse's heart's bigger. That's true. They might reach the end of the race and all just fall over. Go up. Because they also had stage four. Heaven. It's really hard to drug a horse.

That's what we're learning. Well, because also a horse race has like a lot of horses. Yeah. And also, I think it's like. Hang on, hang on. Jackson's standing behind 11 horses. You're going to get kicked in the head. Crawling up to the like sixth horse.

My head just full of hoof marks. And I'm the lucky horse, my head just full of hoof marks. And I'm feeling like a horse rump slap. Okay. And all the times I've fallen over, the glove is torn and acid is coursing through my bloodstream. I'm having a bad trip. All the horses coming out just licking my face. Slides there writhing. I'm waiting to race.

I'm breaking back. My family will respect me. I'm the one who's running. I'm the horse. I'm the horse. I'm the horse who knocks. And then Zammett somehow, I was helping him, I guess. Zammett waiting with his ticket.

I just come out with a horse. Something went very wrong. Something went very wrong. All my money on that horse. I don't think I'm winning money today, boys. Yeah, Breaking Bad's tough. Yeah, I just don't know much about horses. Yeah, I think that's the problem.

It's hard to break bad when you don't know much about horses. Yeah, you need a Jesse Pinkman, but for horses. That's what you need. Horses, bitch. That's what you're looking for. Yeah, I need a horse Pinkman. That's what I need. A horsees, bitch. That's what you're looking for. I need a horse Pikmin. That's what I need. Yeah.

A horse what? Horsey Pikmin. Oh, Pikmin. I thought you said Pikmin. I was like, what? Horse Pikmin? Yeah, you gotta pick the good horse, man. That's the winning horse, bitch.

Need a horse Pikmin. You're right. A guy who can pick the best horse. I'm looking to hire a Pikmin. I need a horse pickman. You're right. A guy who can pick the best horse. I'm looking to hire a pickman. I need a horse pickman. What do you have? What's your selection of horse pickmans? I'm looking to acquire one.

Well, I got a pickman, but for horses. You know a pickman. You know a man who picks. No. What? Yeah, you know a man who picks. This is a fine establishment they would have pickers.

Where? I can't even, like, where are you asking this? I don't know. I assumed I was at the bookie's office. Like the glass screen.

Yeah. You know, sometimes you're in a foreign country and you don't know what food to pick, you get a food pick. It's funny you're imagining it happening at the bookies.

I was imagining it in one of those, like, an 80s electronic store. Excuse me, sir. Like it's a device. I need a pickman. Like a Walkman, but for picking. You just walk up and down the horses. What's the plan at this point?

When it beefs on that horse, that's when you bet on it. That's when you poison your eyes. When are they going to invent the Pikmin? Yeah, that's true. I'd like to know. Okay.

You've got a complicated plan, which I always respect. So you've gone from Jackson's, which was just he thought about a hatch in the floor of a car. Yeah. Look, embezzlement and taking money from a company that I own seems relatively easy. Well, I think you could do that. You could do step one right now. We wouldn't know.

Yeah, it's that kind of step. You could do it legitimately. Like, I'm going to pay myself everything. Yeah, yeah. Here's my wage. All. Sorry, boys. I'm cutting your pay because the pay grades change

because now I get all the money. You know how a CEO gets all money and the workers get nothing? I don't know enough about business to call him out on this. That might be how it's done. Anyway. This is my new yacht, boys. He is the boss, so I think that's okay.

Bosses need use. Hey, I work for a company where my boss has a yacht. That's pretty crazy. Yeah, that's kind of like a wage. That's cool. Yeah, sometimes he lets me look at it. Yeah. How much does he pay you? Oh, nothing. No, nothing. I'm a volunteer. Yeah, probably stop saying you work.

I just go there. It's still the saying you work. I just go there. It's still the place I go. What's the time frame in terms of how long can I break bad for? Because I'm just thinking in terms of taxes. I could legitimately just do this and then just pay your taxes at the end. Or if I can beat the tax man and either get to stage five or... That's the best way to beat the tax man. So you're saying that if you... For example, right? So you steal all the money and the best way to beat the tax man. So you're saying that if you...

It's like, for example, right? So you steal all the money and then you just go to the tax man. This is my wage all, right? Yeah. For example, say it's $500,000 or whatever it is. Yeah, sure. That's your wage. But you tax on a certain level, right?

Yeah, yeah. Okay, of course. But if I do that, say, at the start of the tax year, I don't have to pay that tax until, like, next year. Oh, I see what you mean. Yeah, okay. And I can just have that whole year to break bad or go to stage five. Well, I think, like, you would just have to add an extra step,

which is you would divide your pay into two and then lie about the second pay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a tax man. And the tax man, he doesn't know. Yeah, or you find a crooked taxman. You find a Saul Goodman of taxmen. Tax Goodman.

Tax Goodman. Find yourself a tax Goodman. I'm Jimmy Taxes. That might be easier than a Horsey Pickman. Horsey Pickman and tax Goodman. And then he helps you out. And then you don't even have to worry about the taxman because he's on the take. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah on the take So you could do that

But then is that enough money You know what I mean Because Walter White made millions Yeah but you also gotta remember So he hasn't reached Walter White levels But so far he I mean you earned nothing and died And like I suddenly have a legacy

Of Of betting well on the horses oh the horses are still in the hole I guess it depends if you can find a horsey pickman or not yeah it depends on that so I guess I take the money and then I got the money side of things

which hopefully is enough to cover my chemo yeah that's true and if it goes into remission that's great and then I'm like boys by the way advertisers back up is enough to cover my chemo. Yeah, that's true. And if it goes into remission, that's great. Yeah, yeah. And then I'm like, boys, by the way, advertisers back up, so is the wages again. Oh, nice, getting paid again. Good.

Yeah. I'm the wiser. But then, I mean, if you go in the full Breaking Bad, Walter White. You have to get shot with a gun. Well, that, obviously. But also, you fall in love with it. I do.

The thrill of the, guys, you know what? Not paying your staff. Oh, it makes me feel like a big man. This is so good. Why are you telling me this? I am your staff. Yeah. It feels good though, don't it?

There's a brand new big man in this part of town. It's me. I'm the big man. It's crazy. I am the one who wages them. It's cool. We've worked big man. It's crazy. I am the one who waged them. It's cool. We've worked through multiple years with just no wage. Watching Zahmed get richer and richer.

What else are we doing? Where's our money going? Our advertising's down, but Zahmed's wealth up. I can't put two and two together. I'm going to go look at a drawing I did. Would you like to look at this picture of this second yacht I own? Yeah, wow. You deserve it, I think.

Yeah, that's a beautiful yacht. Yeah, it is, isn't it? It's really happy for you. Yeah. We're off to the yacht again. Yeah, fair enough. We've not recorded anything in a year, you notice. I can't afford to pay you, so...

Don't worry about coming in. In fact, just give me those keys you got for this. I'll mind them for you. Okay, thanks, far enough. You could just sign away the rights to your voice. Yeah, of course. We can AI you now, it's good. What are we doing?

Nothing. Jackson, are you going to get another job? I currently work. Why? Yeah, I have a job. I have a job at Sam Smith's. You haven't been in six months. You haven't been paid.

And they've also hired AI to do your voice. Yeah, but I'm still there. I listen to the podcast. The AI says what I think I would say. Okay. Horse, turds, fish. It's not a very good AI, but it's good enough to trick the fans.

Yeah. They don't know shit, right, fans? Jackson's gotten funnier. I like to be said fish off the horse turds. Horse turds fish becomes a big catchphrase. Everybody's got it on t-shirts. I'm wearing it. Babe, I'm so funny.

See what I said Horse turds fish Horse turds fish It's the phrase of the century Plumbing the dust I got good again Is what I'm hearing Like you know

When the Simpsons Was high We eat my shorts Yeah this is my Eat my shorts With the AIs But same thing It's my voice

Kind of Horse turds fish babe When I was listening To that episode Where one of them said Hold up let him crook I thought Man this is the end Of the podcast But now that I've heard Horse turds fish It's a brand new corner. It's a breath of fresh air. Podcasting is good yet again.

Well, that's a great way to break bad. I mean, confusing, but yeah, yeah, yeah. Involved killing a horse or Jesse Horseman. Mine's pretty straightforward. Extort children online so basically i'm gonna get into roblox yeah yeah great awesome pretty much the extortion of children has already pretty much happened yeah yeah yeah that's what roblox does yeah yeah uh because is roblox like a minecraft light it's not minecraft

light it's like minecraft different i don't know enough about it to explain it. It's basically like a... It's like Minecraft slash Gary's mod, right? Kind of, yeah. So people make all kinds of things using the Roblox engine. And the important part, whilst Jesse's brought that up, is that a lot of teams to develop games, because you make full-on games within Roblox.

Within Roblox, yeah. A lot of those meet up on forums or in Discord servers and extort children. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kids don't know how much money it is. So you'll have someone running a game that's like 25 or whatever, and they've made one of the best, most downloaded Roblox things, and they're like, well, this 15-year-old designed a thing that's only 30 bucks. So what game are you making?

That is tricky. Because you've got to make a game that appeals to the youth of today. What is it? Because then you can, I mean, they aim presumably, make a game that's downloaded that has, I don't know, maybe a Patreon or whatever so people can pay you, but you don't pay your staff, shit, because you're exploiting the workforce of these Roblox kids.

But what game is going to get number workforce of these Roblox kids. But what game is going to get number one on the Roblox servers? I'm a 12-year-old kid, access to mum's credit card, a tick-a-tacker, tick-a-tacker, that's me on the keyboard. Oh my god, douche's game. The Patreon will definitely

include a swearing patch as exclusive content. It's awesome that, okay, like in the pitch meeting, you're like, game's gotta have swearing patch as exclusive content. It's awesome that, okay, like in the pitch meeting, you're like, game's gotta have swearing. What game is it? Who cares? You just go in there and it just swears. Can you just make a clone of a pre-existing game?

Oh, that's a great idea. What game do kids like? Roblox? Roblox and Roblox? Can I make Minecraft and Roblox Can you Well cause Cause you've also It's gotta be a game you can make

With like 13 year old Like a 13 year old workforce that don't know How to program I figured out how to Change my MySpace stuff And I didn't know how to program I figured out how to change my MySpace stuff and I didn't know how to program I knew HTML code can you make a video game with HTML?

I don't think so you need assets what about like a shitty snake? kids like snake kids like Snapchat can we make Snapchat again? Roblox. What about tits?

No. Too horny. Okay, far out. Yeah, Roblox has a bunch of filters and stuff. Damn. That's why the swearing patch in the Patreon is going to be a real hit. Okay. What are kids like?

Kids like Fortnite? Vapes? They do like vapes. Kids like Mr? Vapes? They do like vapes. Kids like MrBeast? They do. They like when MrBeast is like, I'm streaming with 100 streamers. Yeah. I'm the first person to win.

Get some million dollars or whatever. To make love to my wife or whatever. I like it to watch. That would be awesome. MrBeast had a thing where he was like, touch this plane, and if you're the one touching the plane, the longer you get the plane. Don't give me a plane. I'm not going to do anything responsible with the plane.

I'm going to crash it into the ocean. I'm going to crash that plane into the sea, guaranteed. Dying instantly. Because I'm going to be on the runway, which are often near the end of a beach or whatever, and then I'm going to forget to pull up. Or I'm going to think I'm pulling up, but actually I've just pulled down further. Nose first into the sand. Flip

over. I think up is down. I drown. I eject. I go even deeper into the water. You eject. Your neck cracks on a rock. Your last thoughts are, Mr. Beast did this. Mr. Beast, you fucked me once again.

It is funny to go underwater upside down but think you're in the sky. I'm doing it. I'm flying. Oh, my God. I'm so hot. The plane's broken. And then you sink. Okay.

What are kids? I feel like we're at, like, a pitch meeting now for trying to make a new video. Do they like fighting games? Beat-em-ups? No. Town offenses like fighting games? Beat-em-ups? No. Town offences? Mobile games? Clash of Titans. What about that?

Kids like a clip of Family Guy next to a video where somebody carves soap. They also like games where a ball rolls and your family guy's underneath. Have you also seen the clips where people have changed what they're saying in the Family Guy so they're acknowledging that they're in a clip?

It's fucked up. Oh, no. It's like, hey. Can we make a family guy ripoff in Roblox? Make a family guy game? Can we put TikTok in a game? This is good to imagine as well. On your Discord,

Discord designed for exploiting children. These are just all of your messages. Some 13-year-old kid being like, what does he want me to do? I need you to put TikTok. Family guy. TikTok. TikTok, Snapchat, Roblox.

Roblox. In Roblox. What if you go full scam? You're like, if you download this game, you can make money out of it. What if it's like, oh, it's coming soon. Roblox? Oh, yeah.

Roblox within Roblox. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What if you're like, you promised a lot of things. Yeah, Oh, yeah. Roblox within Roblox. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What if you promise a lot of things and then not deliver? Oh, I've gone about this in the wrong way. I mean, it's still the same idea. Yeah. I just simply make a Kickstarter.

Oh, yeah. Set the goal low. Promise so much. Take that money, hit the bricks. Now, is this breaking bad? Because I don't know if it necessarily breaks the terms and services. I think you could legitimately do arsehole-ish

but not making meth levels of illegal. It is definitely illegal because I'm rolling in with absolutely zero intention of making whatever I'm pitching. But I will need to provide some assets. And you will need to make a pitch that's good enough that you're going to get people

to give you money, which you still have not delivered on a pitch for anything. You still don't know what people want. What are your promises? If we go into Kickstarter, then tits are back on the cards and we don't need to worry about children.

I'm just going to exploit 40 adults. Okay. What are you pitching? What is the Kickstarter for? Suck Job Simulator 2023. Dude, that's our flooded market. Yeah, but if you look at the biggest Kickstarters in the world, they're all porno games. They are porno games.

That's true. That's true. Maybe I'll promise that there's going to be a 3D printer attachment and you can print out your favorite hole. Your favorite hole. This game lets me print my favorite hole. That's crazy. Science has gone so far.

Would fucking a 3D printed vagina be good? Or really uncomfortable? I mean, it depends what you're 3D printing it out of, right? Can you 3D print with latex? Surely. Must be. Must be. Must be. Yeah, we say with the utmost confidence.

I 3D printed this vagina from douches all Kickstarter. Okay, how about this? Maybe not even a bad idea, right? So we somehow designed a program where there's enough inputs you could print your favorite altar. Morally dubious, I hate my life. Yeah, yeah, but we're breaking bad. We're breaking bad, baby.

This is my legacy for my family. We've become known as the Hole Men. Yeah. The three of us, the Hole Men? Yeah. Hey, you want to... Hey, we designed a 3D printer that prints only in latex. And it makes your favorite hole.

Which I love to vag makes your favorite hole. Which I love the vagueness of favorite hole. You can also, well, if you print like enough, because it also actually makes your favorite pole as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Holes and poles. Kildush's holes and poles. 3D printed in brackets. Yeah, yeah.

I've broken bad. Favorite pole, got a favorite hole. Wow. Chuck them in here and you can print it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I just love that I still don't really know what chucking it in here means. Just type it up.

You're like character creation, but it starts with just a whole. You can have all these different options. I just love as well, type it up is so funny because I just imagine you swamped with emails of people describing holes and balls and you're just like, I don't know

what to do with anything. I should have included my email address. Boys, come in here. How am I going to make all these holes and balls? Remember when I confidently said type it up? There's like, some people have gone to in tips, descriptions. Finding out that you can't

actually 3D print latex and now we have to do it by hand. I think this is what they refer to when they say that chickens have come to roost. Carving latex poles. Does this look right? Is this what they wanted?

A long, luscious, fat, beautiful, hard pole. Is this enough veins? We've somehow made a sweatshop for sex toys. It's just the three of us. Have we broken bad yet?

Dildos, bitch. Is this just a bad business? Yeah, I think we just made a bad business. Poorly made sex toys. Yeah, poorly made sex toys as we're all coughing up our own blood. Jersey Pikmin's there. Dildoey Pickman. He picks the good dildos.

None of these are good, bitch. Oh, no. If even the Pickman can't pick one, we've failed. We should never have broken the badge. But if it was a Kickstarter, I mean, we send these terrible sex toys out, and we have fulfilled the promise. That's true. People are like, this was clearly carved.

Somebody clearly got just a lump of latex and had a knife. Yeah, this one's a pussy and this one's an asshole. They're still not just. Yeah, absolutely. We had to make so many. They're not quality. But we delivered on the promise. Sort of.

Not good, but it was there. Enough. It was. Your favorite hole is a block of latex with just like an X carved into it. Right? We got to drill and just drill the hole or whatever. We got to get one of those like pull-down drill things. I forget what they're called.

You know, they're at like wood shops. Yeah, where you pull a thing and the drill comes down. We're making holes, baby. Clearly, we are definitely soft boy office workers. Yeah, oh yeah, we are in over our heads here. What are they called? I've used them before. Yeah, yeah. To drill holes.

I keep wanting to say lathes, but that's not right. I also want to say a lathe. But I'll probably be using a lathe to make the penises, I imagine. Yeah, yeah. To drill holes. I keep wanting to say lathes, but that's not right. I also want to say a lathe. But I'll probably be using a lathe to make the penises, I imagine. Yeah, probably. To make the poles, yeah. You could just get a drill. A regular drill. Yeah, that's true.

Like hole boy. Yeah, one of them hole boy heads, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The bit. What if we just push our thumb into the lathe? That's what I was thinking. That also works. We can just get our fingers in there if we need to widen it or shorten it

or whatever, but I don't even know if we have the time Every hole comes pre-fingered That's what we'll say People will be like, is that good? They're saying it like it's good but it sounds bad I don't know why I'd want that Pre-fingered sex toy? We've got you covered

We've pre-fingered it Have they done anything to the poles? It doesn't say they have, but they fingered the holes. So, like... No, poles. Well, we've got to pre-finger the poles. Are these secondhand? No, that's disgusting.

They're just pre-fingered by us. Yeah. I don't know if I should have donated to this Kickstarter. That would be 50 bucks. The idea of being like Project update All's now pre-financed Hey guys Just like a picture of like a bunch of different

Imagine if it was just kind of cubed Yeah me too a big fat cube of like I'm thinking it all just green Like a bright green With just like a little like X kind of just Combed in with just like a thumb And then a thumb next to it giving a thumbs up. That should be our logo.

Oh, yeah. I think this is shockingly the best idea we've had. At least it's the most coherent. Yeah. Start a Kickstarter for a terrible company, make money, but just make it, try and go for the horny freaks. And then put in the lowest amount of effort

for actually delivering on the product. So they can't take the money away from you. Yeah, so it's not really breaking bad. It's just a scam, really. A legitimate scam. Yeah, or just a bad company. Just running a bad company. We had lofty ideas. We never wanted to make these briefings at all. No, we just a bad company, just running a bad company. Like, you know. We had lofty ideas.

We never wanted to make these briefings at all. No. It just couldn't work at all. No, we just couldn't. We kept ordering lathes. We kept lathing the poles. I don't even know what that does. For some reason, he decided to make latex saxophones,

bought a bunch of woodworking equipment. We're sick! We don't know what we're doing. We're at stage four. We're all! We don't know what we're doing. We're at stage four. We're all lying on Dildo Pickman. They're all bad, bitch. And he kept putting chili on them. Why, dude?

They're all bad, bitch. That's the signature, baby. Chili and pre-fingered. Oh, no. You're a whole pre-fingered with chili? No! I don't know what I would, Dildo Pickman! We did it. We did it.

We did it. Another stellar episode. Plumbing the Death Star has not gotten worse, say the people. I love 2023. It's really going to be a new height for Plumbing the Death Star. That's what the audience is screaming. I can't wait until my horse turd fish t-shirt arrives in the mail. Horse turd's fish

Damn, I'm gonna look so fly And everyone's gonna get it And they're gonna laugh too It's funny on it's own with no context I've been Joel I've been Jackson And I've also been Joel Let us know how good this one was

It felt good It felt great.