Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Coach Your Sports Team To Win? With Matt Stewart

Episode Date: October 5, 2025

what if your sports team coach was bizarro ted lasso? and he spoke about kicking dogs instead of good things like believing in each other and stuff?Links to everything at https://linktr.ee/plumbingthedeathstar including our terrible merch, social media garbage and where to become a subscriber to Bad Brain Boys+ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Hulu original series Murdoch, Death in the Family, dives into secrets, deception, murder, and the fall of a powerful dynasty. Inspired by shocking actual events and drawing from the hit podcast, this series brings the drama to the screen like never before. Starring Academy Award winner Patricia Arquette and Jason Clark, watch the Hulu original series Murdoch, Death in the Family, streaming October 15th on Disney Plus. Hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star. I'm Joel. I'm Jackson. And I'm also Joel. And I'm Matt.

Hey. Thanks for joining us, Matt. It's Matt Stewart from Do Go On. Oh, my God. So I have been here for quite a while. Well, Matt and the listeners, Plumming the Death Star, it's a comedy pop culture podcast where we ask the important questions like, how would you inspire your sports team to win? Allah, Ted Lasser, the Mighty Ducks, AirBod probably. You get it.

Probably real steel. Coach Carter, maybe. That one where the plane crashes and the team does. We are marshals or alive. I don't think they needed a motivation. Well, they might have. Guys, I understand. You've lost a lot of teammates.

And yes, you are hungry. But you know what your teammates had? Meat. So much meat. I mean, this isn't any of our picks, but that has got me thinking. Like, we're alive, have gone down differently if the coach survived the playing crash?

Yeah, probably. Yeah, because he could have said, hey, okay, gentlemen, obviously things don't look good. Yeah. Huddle up. For warmth. You know, yeah, for warmth.

And now, clearly, as your coach, I'm the most important person here. So I need to be fed. Until you get us out of here, I'm going to eat one of you a week. I like the idea. Running laps. Whoever's last in the beep test? Well, yeah, I'm going to say.

Because they're a soccer team or football fair European listeners. Which means that, yeah, like the coach is like, all right, I understand this is a dire situation. But we've got to stay match fit. Like, imagine how impressive it's going to be when we're saved and we're still good at soccer slash football. Oh, my God. So we've got this dismembered head. Just have a kick of it around. Wrap it up in like a t-shirt or whatever.

Did you know there was one of the guys in the alive situation? Because I've read that book. He at the very end where he like basically takes two guys down the mountain. They're like three of the guys. They leave their camp high in the in the mountains. They make the way down. They find a hospital. And two of the three guys, they get like taken into the hospital and looked after.

But the guy that did that he was carrying them. They're like, hey, kid, fuck off. Get out of here. And he's like, but I'm so, I've been eating nothing but human. And they're like, oh, because he was in such good shape still that they thought he was just like an urchin kid from the area. Because I don't know, somehow he just had not lost any. He was match fit.

You could have put him on a soccer pitch and he'd have played a game. He'd be like, please. I'm so funny. I'm so traumatized. I'm so traumatized. I'm so hungry for human flesh. All right. We'll start you on the bench.

Right. Did they end up with a taste of goalie? Well, I don't know about that. I mean, I know. So it wasn't an Alexander Pierce situation? Yeah, I know where they got a taste for it. They did reinterpret it. I always think this is funny as well.

I brought this up before where they were like, hey, obviously, they were all Catholic and they felt really guilty about it because they were like, I'm going to go to hell. Yeah. You're going to eat someone's body. Yeah, exactly. They're like, that's sin. But then the church was like, well, in times of great desperation. Yeah, exactly.

The Pope was like, in times of great desperation, we understand and you're observing. resolved of this. And then they were all like, I guess in the same way that Jesus gives us his blood and his flesh in the form of the wafer and the wine, it was kind of like a sacrament. And the church was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Basically, it was like, you cannot say cannibalism is a sacrament. Well, yeah, it is. The trans, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. They're like, no, no, no, no, no, no. You're falling for the same thing that the alive team did. I mean, they basically gave their life for us. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I guess, in a way. Cannibalism is not a sacrament. Well, I was the Pope worried about. He's like, what if I said a prayer beforehand? If we say this is transubstantiation, then every church is going to be people eating each other. I mean, it wouldn't be that way, but it would have ramifications.

Yeah, I think so. Well, but maybe it would be good because if you're Catholic and in an alive situation, you're more likely to eat the guys the moment they die, which is obviously something I've expressed on this before. as the thing you need to do if you're in a life situation. Don't let the guys go off. Okay. Get over your revulsion at eating human meat.

You got to eat them fresh. You got to eat them fresh. Otherwise, what the fuck are you doing? Yeah, because then you're wasting away. And then, like, you know, if you're like, you know, you get your gains up quick. Yeah, exactly. You can get out of there. If you're sitting there as an emaciated skeleton and you're like, now morally I can

eat my best friend Ted. Yeah. And you're like, well, I'm too weak to eat him. You're going to be kicking yourself. And also, like, at that point, you know, Ted has probably died. also of malnutrition, so really, if you're in a life situation, you want to get the best meat quickly, so you need to put Ted out of his ministry early. The moment you crash land, you kill everyone else, and you make a lardom of human meat.

I feel like this is, you've, it's gone a little bit past where I think you started. But you might be lost in the source here. You're opening out the shop front. Yeah, exactly. You're waving away. It's scary. You're waving away, help. I'm good.

I'm fine. Look at the mother. I got 25 boys to you. I don't know if it's just going to help us win the cup. I don't know. Helicoping those hovers and then a guy comes out with a rifle. It just kills me and they fly away. I think what will help win, though, is you were talking about you in the head as a practice ball.

Do you think that would be, you know, like they'll train with heavier things. You know, people will wear sacks or so. Because the real ball is not as heavy as a human skull. So you train with a human head And then when you get to a game situation And the real ball's gonna feel so light You can't kick it on Plus the human head isn't as you know

Like aerodynamic Yeah Smooth as a regular ball And so you know Yeah you're basically like you know You're running on sand Right is the equivalent And then imagine when you get that

We'll get to your way But we got to... No no no no no no I was going to say I was just going to Okay please Coaching plan one Matt uses seven human head for training So that's why we're starting.

I had a relatively normal one in Planned on going first, but then I... Here we are. Here we are. Kicking around a human head, you know? It's like, why are you doing sprints on like, you know, at the beach? Yeah. You're training up high for like, you know, better altitude. I mean, that also works in your life situation?

Oh, yes. Altitude as well. Yeah, man, these are going to be... Where these boys are going to be... They're going to feel like they're playing with a balloon when they get there. You've got your team on the plane and you say, okay, team, here's a little trick. I'm sabotaged this. Or just like

All right Training starts now You walk into the cockpit Just break the pilots now See you boys In the training field Okay Okay

Do you remember that Was it like a Bugs Bunny clip where he was Pretending to be a muscle man On a beach Yeah But it was just balloons And a set of weights

And a real muscle man Lifted it up and just He launched himself In a space It was so like It's gonna be like that Yeah exactly Yeah

So again High altitude Right Now what brings together A group of people. Survival. Trauma.

A terrible secret. Nothing bonds you like a terrible secret. A terrible dialogue secret that the Pope will get mad at you about. Plus, imagine, okay, the alive situation's happened. You've got your team and the opposing team. And the opposing team is like, I know this is just a game of soccer, but they've eaten man. They've eaten some of their teammates.

I am intimidated. Maybe we give it to me. Hey. They need this more than we do. And also, just also the threat. Yeah. They're sort of like, they'll... They could eat you.

We don't want to anger these guys. Yeah, exactly. And also the relief, you know, how when a burden is lifted by a Pope, no less. Exactly. They'll be absolutely walking on end. They're kind of blessed in a way. Holy cannibals. Holy cannibals.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And again, oral lies on that other team, maybe, like the other team, being like, you know what? We've earned this. You know what? Hey, we're going to take the L here. And to relate this back to, like, I guess, football, back when, say, the Saints, playing against, you know, the dogs, Adelaide Crows,

those pieces of absolute garbage. You're talking 97 grand final. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're expecting this to come up and not out of my mouth? Yeah, 97 and 98? Well, 98, the crows, yeah. Yeah. So those pieces of shit who were like,

hey, we already won one last year. We don't need to be, you know, back to back. These motherfuckers, they haven't won for like 80 years. Take the L. No, selfish. Yes. Bad people. That's what I'm hearing.

That's what I'm hearing. Most people from Adelaide are. I'm hearing that as well. That's why. People are saying it. People are saying it. You're just passing it on. Yeah, yeah.

You've performed that Adelaide Fringe before. Yeah. Hey, we've performed Adelaide Fringe before once. Yeah, yeah. That's right. Never been back. Never been back. I was on that show, I think about that, Adelaide.

Yeah. Have we think about that. Okay. So that was a bad show. That's my only live experience with the plumbing the death stuff. Yeah. Okay. I think the show was fine.

Yeah. People just don't buy tickets. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Adelaide. And you don't know who's coming until the last fucking second. Hey, Adelaide. You can just pre-order tickets. You can buy before the show starts.

What's that? You don't want to. Why's that? This is every guy in Adelaide. Hmm, what am I doing tonight? What am I doing tonight? I don't know. Time to look at my calendar.

Hmm, there are no events. I guess I got nothing on. Every night. Every night. I'll pick something average. What am I going to do? Honey, can you pass me the newspaper to see what is on tonight? Oh, comedy.

And Adelaide listens now being like, oh, come on. Just because we didn't go see your podcast. Brother, it's the same in music. You've given so many people, so many breakdowns. Every promoter I know. In any art space. Also, motherfucking, it's like you didn't come to the show. You just bought tickets at the door.

We're sitting there at the airport being like, fuck, no one's coming. We sold seven tickets. We fucked it up. We fucked up. Oh, we sold out? Okay. And you're saying, I'm going to go, hmm, hmm, hmm. What am I going to do tonight?

I don't know. Should I tell anyone? No, I don't think so. That's you, Adelaide. Am I sleepy today? Hmm. They'll find out when I find out. Someone needs to lead the charge in Adelaide.

We need one show to sell out in advance So that Adelaide learns that you can't Just buy tickets on the door What? Just make a decision, Adelaide, for God's sake What if something else comes up, I think? Yeah, exactly. What else could happen? Oh, I might have to go to Knight Church What else are they doing it?

Come on, Matt, these are all words from you as well. These are city of churches. I love a church over there, To safe bet, safe bet, city of churches. City of churches. They, um, they, they, What, what, maybe this is what we should be doing, uh, start selling shows. Yeah.

But we don't book anything. Yeah. Fly it's a combination of venues until it's sold out. And then we go, okay. Yeah, yeah. I thought you were going to say we play a sort of game of venue chicken with the audience. Yeah, yeah. When we go, we'll, we'll find out of the night too.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We just sent on the social media a photo of us at the Melbourne airport. being like... Don't know, what's on today? What are we doing today? No, no, no. Should I do a show tonight?

No, no. What do you think, Adelaide? Can I get in a play? I don't know. I don't know. We'll see. I've just looked at our stats. Adelaide gone down in real time.

Podcasts usually can't do that, but this time... They haven't even released. Okay, well, with an alive situation, is that your pick for the way to coach your team? To make your team stronger, it's to alive them. Yeah, to take them into the mountains. Yeah, I think Because my initial thought was to go like sort of a super villain

Of like taking a love one Of each player and putting him Nice Like in a chair over a bad of acid or something Yeah, and have a camera pointed at him And say, you know You lose I'm not the bad guy here

I'm here coaching so whatever happens to your loved one, not my fault. Yeah, it's in your hand right now. We're not explicitly saying if you lose something will happen, but like if you lose, they might lose something too. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know what's going to happen. We'll see.

Yeah, we'll see. So that would be what your classic stick. The carrot version, I guess. The same thing, only it's them in a room and there's a camera on them, a loved one. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And, um, but it's, that room is one of those

rooms where like cash is flying around and if you win they get to keep that cash okay okay yeah I just found some information that I was desperately searching for while we were

talking about Adelaide so yeah the rugby team yeah the crashed in a lot crash in the Andes

yeah that happened in 1972 yeah in 1973 yeah probably not the same players but that team won.

Oh, okay. So the following year, the next season. They took it out. Dedicated to the holy cannibal. Yeah, dude. Well done. Do you reckon it was what you assigned Zammett that the other teams are just like, let's let him.

I don't want to get eaten alive. I mean, I feel like if I was either coaching of a team or was on that team, I'd be like, gang, hey. Yeah. Let's not like, you know, give it to them. Yeah. But like, we'll play, but maybe don't score. Yeah.

Oh, I missed. I think they need it. You think they genuinely need this. Either they really need it or if they lose, they might eat us. Either way, let's just do a good game. Yeah. Guys, that's going to be so tough if you're one of the guys that survived the alive situation where anytime someone meets you, like obviously, you know, intellectually this guy's just

living a normal life now, but some bit of you is like, what, you know? Yeah. What if it does still have a taste for it, you know? You know, if it's just like everyone else leaves and it's just the two of you and you go, Oh, hey, what's the time? I'm gonna, yeah, just, uh... I don't eat people anymore, okay?

I was, I wasn't even implying, dude. I wasn't even implying it. He was front footing it all the time. Hi, how you doing? I don't eat people. Okay, it's more. I need more. I have eaten people in the past.

And I remember the taste, obviously. Yeah, but I just want to clear the air, not something I wish to do again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Unless I really have to, like, if a live happens to me a second time. Obviously, you know, know, if I am stranded, I will be the first guy to eat people because I've really broken the seal, so to be.

We're going out for dinner tonight. I don't like how you say broke the seal? Yeah, yeah. But, you know, when you're eating people, you know, it takes a bit to get up to that point. But I'm at that point. Yeah. It wouldn't be hard a second time. Once you've done one murder, a second murder is simply just another hole in the ground.

You say murder? Oh, I killed them. I crashed the plane. But yeah, just back to... So, again, like, dug deep into this strategy. So, prior to the crash, they'd won two championships, 1968 and 1970. Crash-ups in 1972. They then win 1973, 1976, 1977, 1977, 1978, 1979, 1980.

So it was unprecedented run. There's a couple of years, like, you know, only a few years of a lull. Yeah, what a strategy for that coach. And it paid off. It paid off in space. He panicked. We've had a down year. He's going to crash a plane.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Relax. Sorry, I mean, the evidence is there. Yeah. It's a great call by you, Matt. It's a good strategy. It's a good call. A Matt Stewart, 100% guaranteed.

This idea will work. He's putting his name to it. It brought it up. Well, yeah, I mean, it proves it's in the pudding right there, see? Like, we have the stats of back the stuff. I like the villain idea, but I don't know. Can players play well with tears in their eyes? I just, I feel that horrendous anxiety at the outcome of the game.

They do. Yeah, they talk about it. Some players, you know, in AFL, they'll talk coaches will be like, some players, you've got to be hard on them. They'll respond to that. And others, you've got to coddle them. And I guess you'd have to figure that out first. And geez, if you're a player, you'd really be trying to make it seem like you're more of a coddled club. So you got, like, half the players, they're worried about their loved ones. I like, they might die. Other half players, they're all very smart. If I win, we're going to win big. Those players, why are they so happy? What's going on? You're looking so handsome Get out on the field today Wow, those shorts look great on you I'm going to kill your wife I don't know if my coach

could do that Before we get too far ahead From my very basic But I think still clever idea I like the idea It's a big game So this doesn't work for every game Obviously although we can try it to repeat

I feel like it'll have less success As it goes on Basically when it comes to team selection I'm going to look at the team cut whoever the worst player is and be like we don't have enough to fill the team I'm going to go out there

and then I plan it so in the first five minutes I give a really big speech just being like boys come on I'm out here with you I'm putting my body on the line and then I make sure that in the first five minutes

I get horrifically injured so then they're like oh my God put himself out there and we got to do it for coach the do it for coach strats Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's like, this piece of shit, he comes in, and they cut everyone's best friend Greg, and he's on the base, he's put himself up, and then he put himself in, and then he just instantly ate shit, and now he's expecting us to, like, do good. I like how you're intending to get yourself perfectly injured, because I just love the idea of you not with strategy, running into the other.

Like, why do you do that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I guess he is... It depends on the sport, yeah. Because it could be you just being a real mouthy prick to the point where an opposition player takes you out. Could you, instead of like cutting the worst player in the team. Cut the best player? No, no, no.

I would say, you know. That's a good strat. I would say like, you get a plant in there. Yeah. Like early on in the season. You get a plant who's a bit of a, you know, mouthy, mouthy shit. Who's always going to be like, hey man, our team's like, you know, our team's a piece of shit. We're always going to lose.

And, like, real mouthy, real just, like, bringing everyone down. Like, he's just real knee and you cut him. And then eventually, he gets to a boiling point and, like, you cut him. The team is so grateful. Yeah. Because, like, finally, they got rid of that piece of rat shit. Greg. Yeah, Greg.

Fuck that guy. And you're like, but we are a man down. I'll step up in. I'll step in. I've got this. Everyone's so, like, you know, in gratitude. He's like, not only is he a good coach. Yeah.

Because he got rid of Greg. He got rid of Greg. But he's stepping up, man. And then you get injured. The coach that stepped up. Yeah. I'm also picturing it's like a, like some sort of underage league. It's under 16. Yeah.

Out of 16 girls. Mixed netball team. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I was going to ask, let's go through some sports. You tell me how you're going to horrifically injure yourself in each. Well, yeah, because like, so. Cricket. Cricket.

No helmet. That's, no, no, cricket's just like, I'm a batting a ball. So I'm batting more fielding. Either way, that ball does. serious damage. It's actually really easy to get out of cricket. Running to catch the ball and they're just putting your hands by your side. Sorry, I thought it was soccer for a second.

Trying to hit it with my hands. With cricket, if there's a situation where I can take a catch, just land in a way where I break an arm or leg, but still catch the ball. Inspirational. That's good. My first thought for a horrific injury with cricket was somehow run so poorly that I impale myself on the wicked.

Three sort of the wicked. Well, I mean, if you get some out, boy You fucked up bad If you're fielding, yeah, you could probably get a run out And also kill yourself on the stones I don't think anyone's ever done that before It could happen Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's put me in it, um

Yeah, because like, I don't know, Matt, you might know this But it's before both of our times, so AFL used to have player coaches Yeah, and I don't know if the rules changed Or if it's still a thing you can do There's no reason why a coach There's nothing in the rulebook. Yeah.

It's an air button situation, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it hasn't happened since 1981, but I don't know. Okay. The VFL had happened more recently, the VFA VFL. There was a guy called, I think his name was Donald McDonnell. I don't think he in the 90s he was captain coach of one of the VFL. Oh, captain, yeah, because there's, I guess like if you're playing at your coach, you're probably going to make yourself captain.

Yeah, well, of course. I mean, why not? If you're like, this guy's the captain, but I'm. I'm the coach. It's like, I'd still tell him what to do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're, yeah, yeah, yeah. Donald McDonald? No, it wasn't Ronald McDonald. No, it wasn't Ronald McDonald. I think it was Donald McDonald. That's a crazy name. Could you, can you be like, I don't know, a co-captain coach? Yeah, yeah, yeah, true, true, true. So it's like, I'm also captain, he's also captain. We're, yeah, dual captains here. Oh, making the whole team captain. Oh, that's good. Giving everyone a bit of respect. Apart from Greg, boss captain.

Donald McDonald's was the captain coach of Werribee in the VFA and coached the club to a premiership victory in 1993. It played off. Captain coaches get results. Now, I see, you said when you pitched this idea, you were like, it will have diminishing returns. Well, yeah, because I can, okay. I like if you do the plan exactly every time.

Not only are you injuring yourself every time. You're also cutting something. I haven't been about to hang on a second. The third time they're going to do it. Wait, oh, wait, why is Greg back on the team? Wasn't he a piece of shit that we hate? Last chance for Greg. Not even getting, not just like your team getting smaller and smaller.

Oh, I'm not even bringing people in. Till it's just you. Yeah, and I'm just like broken limbs, two black eyes. In like a full body cast. Rob shit spleen, no appendix. Looking at the mirror. Okay. No teeth.

You got this, buddy. You got this, buddy. Was your fun? It's time for me to step up. It's just a terrible cycle of you cutting yourself and stepping into the role. I like to imagine in that situation by like round five of whatever sport. I'm so beat up and bruised and like barely even functioning as a person anymore. The captain of the team just walks up really sad, like tears in his eyes.

He shoots you down like a dog. He brings every game. I has imagined build up to the final. Well, yeah, no, that's not saying because it's what I'm. dismissing returns. If I save it for the final, or depending on the sport, I mean, like, the most important game. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It could be

the third, a must-win test. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. What would be the hardest sport to... Get injured? Yeah, to purposely get injured. I mean, indiv-it, like, if I'm a tennis coach, that's difficult. You can coach doubles. Hitch yourself in the head with the racket? No, no, no.

Coach doubles? Cut on and put yourself. Yeah, yeah. It would be difficult in the sense of Hey, Andre Agassi, you're benched. I'm on. I'm going to play as you. Yeah, that is true. And it'll be like... Andre Agassi, for some reason, I don't know why that was my go-to tennis name. Your tennis group. Could it be Pete C. Impress?

Pat Rafter? Michael Chang. Everyone knows tennis guys and I don't know tennis guys. Roger Federer? No. Thomas Moyer? Yep. Is that time?

I don't know tennis guys. I don't know. when I was meant to learn this. Pat, uh, Pat Rafter? No, not Pat Rafter. Pat Cash. Pat Cash. You'd love Pat Cash.

He was a psycho. Okay. Yeah. The Whitties? Anakono Kovar? Oh. No. Matina Hingas.

Did you all do a class together? Lindsay Davon. You know a tennis class at the night of school to learn the tennis guys? Yeah, Maria Sharapova. Yeah, nothing. Nothing at all? Venus Williams. Serena Williams?

I know Serena Williams. Oh, okay. Who was the, that Aussie player who was really good and quick? when she was on top a few years ago oh fuck she was a bite soccer yeah she's like oh no

no no she's a gun because everyone we have references from a hundred years ago what yeah yeah yeah um fuck yeah I don't know tennis guys dude I'm sorry

oh Goran Ivanovich that's a great man that's a fake name it's ash something Ash body Ash body Ash body National hero

I'm not doing the same Clauses, you guys, down at the Y. Light and Jewel. The Hulu original series, Murdoch, Death in the Family, dives into secrets, deception, murder, and the fall of a powerful dynasty. Inspired by shocking actual events and drawing from the hit podcast, this series brings the drama to the screen like never before. Starring Academy Award winner Patricia Arquette and Jason Clark, watch the Hulu original

series Murdoch, Death in the Family, streaming October 15th on Disney Plus. What? You don't know a little later? No, no, late. Why don't know tennis guys? Oh, we need the poo. What about the poo? Oh, yeah.

I know we need the poo famous beer. Is that what you're talking about? The poo. I don't know. Why do you think that they'll be one? I mean, there was Serena Williams, I guess. I'm pretty sure when I said Thomas Moyer before he actually was like a community TV host.

There was someone who had a name like that Yeah I don't know dude I'm sorry I probably don't know baseball guys either Wouldn't that Yeah Babe Ruth

I don't Babe Ruth Famous chicken eater And woman fuck Yogi Yoga Gah Yeah We all know Babe Ruth was awesome

Dude fuck He's my hero Baseball's harder A rod Oh yeah Oh that's tennis as well There was an A rod In tennis

Yeah yeah Yeah there's a lot of guys That's what I'm here Oh Tony Martin Tony Murray? Andy Murray? Andy Murray?

Andy Murray. He's funny because he's really dry-witted. Oh, Andy Murray. Joe DiMaggio from baseball. Oh, that's a baseball. Yeah. That's a bad. It's a spicy of baseball.

Is there any sports who you just recognize guys' names? I don't know. I doubt it. Pat Cummings. Adam Gilchrist. Oh, yeah, Adam Gilchrist. Do you know what sport? No, but I know.

the name. Shane Worn. Shane Wornie. I know Warnie. I know Warnie. He knows warning. Do you know him more for his behaviours off the field? The famous chicken eater, a woman fucker. Shane Warren. Of course I don't worry. Dart puncher, Shane Worn.

Gout, Gout. I do not know Gout Gout Gout. Gout is a current running gun, Aussie running gun. Okay. Great name. It's a great, yeah, it's a fantastic name. No denying it, but I don't know who they are. And it was a misspelling.

Kathy Freeman? I know, Kathy Freeman. Marcus Bontompeli. Nope. No idea. Do you know Plugger? I know Plugger locket. That was Plucker.

I know, okay, Plugger. Oh, yeah, okay. I know Dickie Knees. Okay. What about Ozzy? Ostrich? Ozzy ostrich. I know Ozzy ostrich.

Agro, obviously. You know, Aussie puppets. Yeah, I know Australian puppets. Marty Monster. I'm a Diggily on to the cat, right? Righty Sprad, obviously. You ask any puppet, I'll know. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know the puppets. Yeah, blackboard, right? Blackboard. Upside down. Yeah, blackboard, obviously. Mr. Squiggle, yeah, yeah, of course. We're all across. Who was the third feral? There were three feral.

Darren the dog, Mixie the rabbit, McDigliana the cat, and Rattis the Ratt. Oh, there were four. There were four fellows, forgettable. Yeah. One of them went off to do, like, you host like MTV Australia at one point. Radis. Rattis did, yeah, yeah. I think he was on, did he host with.

Radis was the breakout star. Yeah, he sounded like, Derry did something as well. He was awesome. I thought, I thought, and he's so dope. Yeah, Darren sounded like this. He's just kind of just having a good time. And Radis the Red was like, you want some eyes? Yeah, mate.

I'm pretty sure Rattis, didn't Rattis do something with host of recovery, whose name I've totally blamed on the, Dylan Lewis? Yeah, he might as done. That'd be friends. Maybe they just, they give me the same vibe. We should get Rattis the Rout on the podcast. We could probably get Dylan Lewis on the podcast. He's doing stuff.

I mean, that's still good, but not as fun as Rattis the Ratt. I just love Rattis. Every take was almost like he was just, yeah, punch a dart just before it. Flipped at the cameraman, he's like, right, let's go again. Yeah, let's do it, man. Yeah, what are we doing now? Let us the rat. He was the lascivious.

The spiritual son of Agro. Yeah. Yeah, he was. He got the neglected son of Agro. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Agro looked like he'd be really good to just put your hand on his head. Oh, yeah, yeah. But Agro would, he'd say.

He'd bite you. He'd buy you. And then he'd say some terrible things about your mother. Oh, yeah. I feel like you'd know the story of this, Jackson. But I think he was just a shorn-down animal from the Muppets. Is that right? What, Agro?

Agro. As in they took the animal puppet and gave the haircut. That seems crazy. How did they get the animal puppet? Wait, no. I guess it looked. Yeah, no, that would. Okay.

Is he pink like animal, though? No, no, no. It's just like you get rid of the hair of animals. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess they're left of that face. True, I guess I can see that. Yeah, I can see that. Like the, uh, the Halloween mask was, uh, chat now, yeah, that's true.

Yeah, that could be true. It could be true. It is possible. Whoa. Agro was an altered vintage. 1978 Fisher Price Puppet of Animal from the Muppet show That's awesome, dude

I don't know why I like Jackson Well, I know my puppets Well, I mean you'd like this as well Because like Agro's creator Yeah, I think I guess was like Like yeah, he just started He was just like, yeah, I made him out of a bath mat So Agro would refer to himself

As a talking bath mat That's awesome dude Yeah It's sad that Agro is well and truly cancelled For being a piece of shit Yeah, he was a bad puppet dude Yeah, man. He was a puppet of this time, you know?

The puppet. So, here's just a little bit of information. Agro's humor tends to be adult with much sexual suggestion, cursing, and uninhibited behavior. He often appeared in an innocent, with an innocent acting female off-sider who is subjected to mocking an innuendo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you reckon those working conditions were like in the 80s? You see the outtake clips of stuff that wouldn't they go on to air, but pretty crook. Yeah, pretty crook.

He was a crook guy. Agro? Yeah, I'm glad he'll never work in this town again. How's Dicky Knee, dude? Does Dickie Knee cancels? Based on the people he's hanging out with? I wouldn't look into anything that Red Simons or Darrell Somers have anything to say about the blackface? Hey, hey.

Yeah, Harry Crankton, he wasn't mad at Dickie Knee, was he? He was just mad at, like, all of other red faces, yeah? Did Dickie Nee make a statement? He should have. Unlike Agro, Dickie Ney was, you know, voiced by one and held up with it. I think the voice is dead, but that guy who has... hold the pole. He was just holding the pole. So you can't cancel dicky knee if he's not saying anything.

Exactly. He's got no lips. He's got no lips. He can't cancel. He's just the back of my head. Mr. Summers, Mr. Summers. I really always wanted to do a dicky knee on Dusha's desk. Because I got a little dicky knee. That sounds like innuendo. Sounds like you're saying you want to shit on his desk. A little dicky knee. A little dicky knee. A little dicky knee on the desk. Um, okay. Well, in terms of coaching. So, again, I don't know much about a lot of like a coaching in sport. So I quickly just had a bit of a

Google, like, what is Ted Lasso's coaching style? Okay. And so it's a censored on optimistic, empathetic, and severant leadership approach, focusing on building trust and strong relationship with players. Okay. But I also believe that maybe coaching is maybe a circle. Uh-huh. So what if we did the exact opposite

to get our team Misery coaching? Yes. To win the brim. Uh-huh. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So again, we're like, yeah, so no optimism. We're both, we're both, we're into pessimism and nihilism. What's the point? Who cares? You're all losers and no one's going to remember you.

Yes, that's so. You're the Mighty Ducks 2, Iceland coach. Yeah. Yeah. I don't really care about anything. Failure is not an option. It's not an option. But if it is, you're all big losers. Yeah. I don't care about you. If it's pessimism becoming, you go, failure is the only option. Yeah. How do we? Yeah. You know? It's crazy to stop and think about the Mighty Dogs. They had crazy lives.

They're a rag tag team in champions, aka Mighty Docs 1, where they're barely a team. And then in the second one, they're in the Olympics, basically. Yeah, they become Team USA. That is pretty crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it was meant to be the Olympics, but they just couldn't say the Olympics in the movie because the Olympics would have asked for money. Was it Iceland?

Am I remember that right? That's a weird team to choose. Well, they're clearly doing ice hockey. It's ice hockey, except for ice land. Yeah, exactly. That's the land of ice. Yeah, it's a good point. It's like, you've got a coach, the coach of Team USA started coaching junior hockey

because he got a DUI and this is his community service. Just goes to show you, dude, you know, racks of riches, man. But remember, he was a young gun in a while. Yeah. And if the puck went a couple of inches the other way. Yeah, that's true. We're going to remember that. Yeah.

Yeah. But I never thought about it like this. If it was a couple of inches the other way, I would have missed completely. Yeah. It's a great point. For a moment, I thought you were kind of like, you know, using the speech from face off. Whereas it's like, yeah, if the bullet wound was like, you know, two inches to the left, my son would be alive. I don't remember that in Mighty Ducks, yeah.

If the bullet wound, when they shot my son on the ice. Yeah. Oh, okay. So, pessimism, how are you doing that? How are you bringing pessimism? I think it is a kind of like, almost like a stern dad. Oh, okay. But like, you know.

Like a sad stern dad. Or like, you know, you're never going to amount to much. So you kind of want to get like almost reverse psychology. You really want them to prove you wrong in a weird way. I'm so sorry. That's okay. Get a notification. That's okay, my dude.

Just put your phone on silent. It's fine. What a great opportunity to show us all you. But like, Jackson, honestly, I never expected anything more than you. I never expected anything of you I never expected anything of you I misspoke I still don't care about you in any way

the fact that you fucked it up yet again you just part of the course honestly I just you know look if I to say that I would have expected better would be lying to you would be lying to me and lying to your teammates

you're going to amount to nothing you are nothing right straight up I don't hit the showers hit the showers or don't You stink either way It's fine to me You shall, you don't

At the end of the day You're going to smell You're bad It's funny That coached To just keep pleading To how stinky You're always

You're always going to smell You're always A team of the league Smelly team Full of losers I'm here for a paycheck You'll pay me pretty well

If you win or lose I don't give a shit Okay Would that motivate me But it's not so different To the reaction I normally get for a mistake like that really. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I guess you'd expect the quality of my podcasting on the field. Yeah. When Ted Lassow does it, if I've never seen an episode of Ted Lasson. He slaps a believe son. Yeah, he's like, don't believe. Yeah, don't believe. If you're the anti-Ted Lassow, but you're also going to give like a folksy story. But Ted Lassow stories are like, when I was a boy, you know, I had a dog.

It's like very positive. You've got to go. When I was in a... When I was a boy Like when I was an adult Had a dog He kicked a dog He didn't care for that dog

Gave it away Yeah You're gonna take that story My drama teacher told me About a guy It's such a sad But also He had a dog

Not my drama teacher This guy he knew Had a dog And every day he would come home And kick it And then one day He came home and kicked it And he just keeled over and died

And he was like Why? What happened? And he was like, well, you kicked it every day. That's going to happen. Why did you do that? That's the story you're going to tell you. And really, that does feel like a parable or something.

You're like, wait, what's the message? Like, what's the lesson to look? Don't kick your dog every day, is the lesson. Yeah, you just need a guy, me. I really love this dog. Like, as much you can love anything. Yes, coach. You know, those feelings that, you know, you think are love, but they're probably not.

Yes, coach. They're just probably like chemical reactions in your brain to see. emulate that you care. I'm listening, Chief. Yeah, anyway, I had this dog. Come home every day. Bring it in a guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Every day, I just kicked the shit out of this dog when I came home for work. Yeah, boys. And then one day, I kicked it and it died.

Let's kick that dog. Let's kick that dog. Yeah, just killed over dead. Ooh! So I got my shoveled. Dug a, dug a hole in the backyard. Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, yeah. That's the sound that, um... Yeah, that sound doesn't make anymore because it's dead.

Why is it working? Yes, let's go out and kick that box on the start! Yeah, so yeah, go out and win or not. Fuck to my kid. It's just like winning every year, grand final, Joe Zammett and the Coach Hall of Fame. It's more and more like, why am I here? I hate this.

Yeah. Like the quote from the coach winning best coach of the decade, why am I here? Fuck this sport. This is stupid. You guys, once again, your team won. Anything to say?

No. No comment. No comment. Yeah, yeah. No comment. I'm not interested. Honestly, if they'd lost, I'd be feeling the exact same way.

Eventually, you do come around to it, though. You're like, this is pretty good. Am I good at this? And then you're losing. And instantly, bottom out. The moment you can't even a tiny bit. Maybe this is my calling. Yeah.

Wrong. Mistake. I was thinking this was my strategy. Okay. And I think this is kind of like, I think the middle ground between all of them in a way, except maybe Matt's. No one's eating each other. No life situation.

So, okay, I need some special effects for this. Okay. I need a smoke machine and some lasers. All right. Okay. I can see why this is right in the middle. Exactly. Exactly.

And I, in say, the sort of like, need a little. the showers wherever I've got the sort of our hub in a broom closet I set up the smoke machine in the lasers and I go in there and I activate them while the team is like getting ready and prepared and then a step at a time I go oh my god

I didn't realize this but the broom cupboard's a time machine and I just went into the future and you win you win the game so that's and the future is predetermined well obviously so you

gonna win, so don't even worry. So you need the dumbest fucking team in the history. This feels, this is almost like a variation of the the Michael's special juice from Space Jam. Because they say, well, you've already won't.

This is the magic stuff. Isn't that the opposite? That's going to have the wrong effect. Unlike Michael's special juice. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's pretty determined. No, because Michael's special juice. And I'm not talking about cum. Okay. Michael Jackson also had one of those

Yeah, no, that's true, yeah, wine We often don't talk about that one Yeah, yeah, yeah Often don't talk about it comes up every now Every episode of popular We want to, but we don't talk about it. We want to, but we don't. I think that's a good one to avoid.

Yeah, Michael Jackson. Yeah, we're going Michael Jordan special juice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's probably called something else, though. I think it's called his special juice. It's called special some... Syrup? Special sauce?

A special... Look, no matter what... Michael Jordan's come. Yeah, that's what they call it, dude. But, yeah, in Space Jam, they think that it's going to make them better than they are. Where if you tell them, hey, it doesn't matter what happens, you win. Yeah, yeah.

That's bad, because you know what's going to happen? They're going to lose. Why would they lose? Why would they... What do you mean? Okay, hey, don't try. That's not what he said. That's not what he said.

That's not what he said. I'm saying, you go out there, you play the game, but you can have the confidence because you know you already win. Yeah, it's predeterminate. Every action you do is the correct action. Get out there, boys. So, yes, you are saying the future is predetermined,

so you're going to win, which can lead people to be like, well, I don't actually have to try it because I know I'm going to win. So then at half time, if they're losing, you've got to have a different laser effect to come back out and be like, I was wrong.

It's not predetermined. It's a multi-reality situation. There are realities where you lose. You need to do better. You need to change. You need to change. You pull out a photo, like, back to the future and the medals are fading. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, no, it's happening. I've got to turn this around. My team's like, coach. I'm going to go back into the time machine. Be good. Make good choices. It's so funny to spend the whole game in a cup. You're just in there, cut, so you just scroll on your phone.

It's refreshing. It's like the sports. The score. Are they winning? Are they winning to do? Fuck. Fuck. Refreshing the sports betting.

odds. Oh, shit. I'm going to lose millions. That was another strategy I was thinking of. I come out and I look really worried and I go, okay. I've put a lot of money on you winning. And these are,

and I show them a photo of some scary men. They're going to hurt me. Really, really bad. Because I don't have the money, so I need you to win. But then secretly, put a little bit of money on them to lose. Oh.

That's a good idea. Play all of the parts. Yeah, smart, smart. Well, if I'm putting money on them to lose, I'll anti-coach them. No, you put money on them to... Because you don't trust in yourself. You're like... Yeah.

I mean, you keep coming out of a cupboard, so the team probably don't like you. They're like, oh, there's an easy way for this man to get beaten up. But then you put money on yourself to lose, so then you get rich. Smart. And then you buy the team... And then sack everyone.

Yeah, exactly. It's kind of assuming that they don't... want to win enough because it's just the grand final they need the extra incentive of the coaches get to have his knees smashed in if they don't win

what if you're like in a similar vein you start like you come out and you've got all this merch of them being like the premier we have so money riding on this I've sunk so much money into this honestly all your salaries

this is where it went I understand you're asking hey where was my last several paychecks in here so it's going to if you win it's going to pay off in dividends I've got a really good deal this is like a 10 times investment

for you yeah but you lose nothing nothing all of these go Jackson's teams the winner t-shirts I'm going to go right in the all in no logo

or anything I'm just about go Jackson's team comma the winner they win and then you're like Turns out that no one wants these shirts, I'm so sorry, boys. You all, we're all in... What level competition is this in?

Under 16's mixed in that bowl. Absolutely under 16. That's so funny to a bunch of kids and being like, I'm in so much trouble. They're going to break my legs. Does anyone ask that you don't know me? Okay, if you lose, I'm going to have to leave the country

and you'll never see Coach Jackson again, okay? Your parents got any more? buddy. Coach Jackson, that's a real coach, isn't it? Coach Jackson? Yeah,

I think that's like an famous NBA coach. You heard of him? Yeah. You see the Celtics coach? Phil Jackson, maybe? Imagine I just knew all the coaches.

Imagine. Yeah, I guess I knew all the puppets. I feel like he was bulls maybe in the Or Jackson is an NBA coach. Probably coached a few teams.

Yeah, was he the Jordan coach? It's a coach name, Phil Jackson. He was the Jordan. Yeah, he was the Jordan. Do you think Coach Jackson sounds better or a Coach Bailey, which is what I would be? Coach Bailey, Coach Bailey, Coach Jackson.

What about Coach Phil Jackson Bailey? Oh, if I changed my first name. When I became a coach, I was like, I got to go down to the courthouse and change my name to Phil. It's a coach's name. It's a coach's name. Phil Bailey. Oh, my God. Phil Bailey's really good.

Jackson Bailey's great. Yeah. Phil Jackson Bailey. Phil Jackson Bailey. you cover an all basis. Yeah. Because Phil isn't a great name. No, it's not,

Philip Bailey. Yeah, what about Philip, though? Philip Jackson, Philip Bailey? I like, because Philip also means,

it just means a good thing or something, right? What a Philip? What a Philip? It could. We could make it catch on. Yeah. You're the fact checker so far. I'm one for one on that aggrove.

Oh, that's true. So am I going to go two for two? Philip also means like a good thing or something like that. Like, this is a real Philip. That was a real Philip. That's real philip. Philip slang? I guess.

Yeah, I suppose. Wow, what a Philip. Philip, Phillip Urban Dictionary. According to Urban Dictionary, which is not a good source. Philip is a man with a large penis who knows how to use it.

Okay. That's good. Yeah, well, maybe that's what I'm married by deed, Paul. Yeah. Real filled in? Real filled in. Apparently, Philip is Australian slang for a police officer.

I have not heard that. I don't think so. Yeah. That's a real niche from, like, the local cop's names Philip. Someone's got confused by that Guess that's what we're calling cops Maybe it's spelt different

I'm not trusting the fact checker now I'm going over his stucia's head Well while you're While you're going to My boss Google Yeah So we were just talking about NBA And I was like Phil Jackson

Was he a Celtics coach? No But I was thinking of Joe Manzula Yeah Who coached the Celtics To the recent NBA championship win Yeah But he has said multiple times In an interview

That he watches the Ben Affleck movie The Town four times a week. Oh, that's a good strategy, dude. I don't know what part of that movie he finds inspiring. I don't know what bit of that is it all relevant to coaching a sports team. It's very, very much set in Boston and Boston Celtics.

Yeah. Maybe it's making love, but it's just about heist. Yeah. Just sent you a link. On which app? Yeah. Facebook, Instagram, email. What's up?

Signal. You don't know. You don't get a notification. I got so many things going on. You think I got nervous? I'm like a certain piece of garbage in this. He's turned his off. Yeah, exactly.

I make a sound. It's on Facebook. Facebook, okay. All right. All faithful. Okay. Messenger. I really messengers keeping Facebook afloat.

It truly is, dude. Messenger's good. I was wondering with NBA. If you were the coach of Jordan, are you really doing much? Yeah, that's a good question. All right, everyone, huddle in, you strat? Passed in

Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah Good hustle everybody I'm gonna go cash in this check Surely, yeah Absolutely Like if you get a star player And I mean like, you know

Like a once in a lifetime generational talent Like holy shit This person is incredible Yeah No matter what I do They are incredible But is there a universe

Where a different coach Get a worse performance out of And Jordan was just the middle of the road player Like if Jordan gets Yeah If Jordan gets me Have you seen this motherfucker play?

He's so good. Everybody, pass to him. Don't get injured. Passing. Don't play baseball. Please don't play baseball. Everyone is giving to him, please. I will give you a pay.

I mean, you've also got Scotty Pippin and Dennis Rodman. That's right. Pippen, Pippen, pass to him. Rodman, you're going to make some interesting choices later in life. Don't. Or do, I don't care. Pass to him. But you've also got to remember that based on the last dance,

the Netflix series, it took everyone by storm. And everyone is now very across this. Coggo Bulls team. A lot of it. Remember that guy? That guy was the best. The guy was sort of like the, he kind of looked like

it could have been Jackson's uncle. Yeah. He had like a sort of silver perm. Oh yeah. And he gambled some coin game with Jordan and he kept winning and Jordan got real pissed off. And the guy was just so flipping about it.

He sort of did these shrugs like. Do you have the guy's name? Because I want to see what you think my uncle would look like. Yeah, yeah. I'm so intrigued. Well, yeah, I don't know. I'm curious to see what...

Well, because I often think I have, like, uncle energy already. Yeah. So, like, what would... Like, a double uncle? Yeah, like, what's a double uncle look like? John Michael Wozniak. Oh, that's the guy's name? Michael Wozniak.

Any relation to the other Wozniak? The Apple guy? This guy? British comedian. This is what you're talking about? No. This guy. Oh, he does look like he could be my uncle.

That is true. Like, he looks like he could be a... character of yours? Yeah, yeah, he does. He looks like me. He looks like me.

He looks like that's so good. I would, yeah, if you look up his obituary photo, it's just you. Yeah. What? That got died.

Oh, that's so sad, dude. I'm sorry. You were so good at Hustlin. You had to learn that here, Matt. Yeah. Oh, no. Jordan didn't kill him,

did he? He was really upset. That took a personal. So, yeah. So, unfortunately, I am not across this, yeah,

a series. Okay, so I don't really know. Any, any, Any interview with like when Michael Jordan had like a like generational game? It usually came down to the fact that he had just made up a plot in his head that another player had slighted him.

And he was like, I'm going to get revenge. And the other player would be like, I didn't do anything. He's like, yeah, but I thought about you doing something. That's awesome. Is in like another player on the other team? Oh, man, coaching's so easy now. Hey, Jordan. Guess what he said about you?

Guess what he said about you said you were stinky. He said you haven't showered in one. weeks. He said he could smell you from the other side of the court? Yeah. It's all, yeah, and there'll be tiny things. Like, he, oh, you remember when he blocked you there? Yeah, he'll do it. Yeah.

He said he'd do that every time. He was like, I'm doing this on deliberate. Damn, dude. So, yeah, you should get it. He also tried to win the game of basketball, and I took that person. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, it's legitimately as simple as that. That's awesome. Jordan coached himself.

Sorry, Phil Jackson. Yeah, you don't even need to be in there, dude. He can stay home. He's going to do it all. Yeah, like, surely. You know, we were talking a lot about coach captains of a team before. So, what do we think? You take it over.

Honestly, you're just like, you know what, I'm staying home today? Yeah. Do I need to go in? They'll win. Guaranteed. Yeah. Can you, like, attach, is this cheating? If you attach, like, electrodes to your plate?

Okay. That's just curious. I want to hear honestly where this goes Like, yeah, where you're going with it Just as a punishment I was thinking So anything that is seen as performance enhancing Well this is performance de-hancing

That still counts Okay, damn That's what I was curious about It's like if I was imagining if they make like they fumbled the ball Yeah You could train with it on that's fine Okay then that's what I'll do

Anytime they fumble the ball Kind of like how you train a dog Yeah If you're a monster You know. Yeah, what is the Pavlovian thing? Yeah, yeah. So Pavlovian response to the ball, we get it in.

Get it in the hole. Yeah. What have you put like little stones or like tacks or whatever on the inside of their shoes? Oh, okay. So it was like real hobbling them in training as punishment. No, no, no. And the balls are a human head. So then when they take out those stodes and tacks, then it's, then imagine how good they'll be running.

Fortunately, I feel like the whole point of training is to not get injured. Yeah. Yeah. And putting stones in this. A sustainable injury That will probably fuck up how they walk For the rest of their life But you're gonna get damaged in sport anyway

What about metal pants? Okay, the suit of armour Yeah, yeah, yeah, woven chain link Yeah, so as they're just... Is there anything in your rule books that say that they can't be made out of woven metal? I've looked at the rule yes.

What? Oh, I haven't looked at the roll book. You could train it. You can train it whatever you want. Yeah, okay. Actually, yeah. This rule makes real specific. Yeah, yeah.

Who was the coach in the NFL that was like, yeah, we're going to go down to the beach and everyone's going to, like, do the sprints and that kind of stuff? And that was, like, one of the winning things like that. And then everyone else then started following the same thing. Fuck, who was that? It was in the 2000s. Yeah, yeah. Oh, really? Yeah.

It feels like we got to that late. Yeah. You take things like slow in the country. Matt, you got to understand. AFL existed for 100 years before they were like, hang on a second. It could man up. Yeah. Yeah, defense really took off in the last 15 years.

Yeah, like, and, like, listeners that are, like, aware of sport but not aware of AFL, some of the strategies that you've been doing in sports for hundreds of years, yeah, like, hang on a second. There's no... This could work for us. Yeah. It's crazy. So, yeah, learning to train on the sand is something...

Yeah, okay. I was assuming that would have been 70s or something. Nah, this is, like, 2,000s and something. Yeah, and also, I mean, like, using the bench properly is. also a mid-2000 strategy. I want to say it was either maybe the Saints or it was maybe North Melbourne. But I could be extremely wrong.

What if you could do? Is that look at like other sports. Oh yeah. Like other coaching techniques. Like, you know, running on high altitude, playing with a human head. And see what other players I've done in other sports just try and kind of, you know, really just like whittle it all down.

Whittled down to the base necessities. Okay, this is what we need to do. Yeah. You've got to incorporate, like, you know, a lot of skipping. We've got to do some, like, real hot yoga. We've got to, like, you know, then chuck them in an ice bath. We then make them run on the sand, and we've got to go up high. You know, what have we, up high?

Have we tried training while we're also skydiving? Oh, that's a good idea, dude. That's a good idea. The throw everything at the wall approach is good. Yeah. And, like, yeah, we'll see what other people have done with, like, success. And then we just, like, you know, turn it up or not. Yeah, okay.

See what happens. So first year, maybe the first two, that's going to be our like R&D year. Don't expect us to win. Yeah, yeah. If we do, yeah, hey, we're trying it. Any interview you say, this is not a winning year for us. Exactly.

This is an R&D year. We are learning. We're figuring it out. We are learning on the job. Yeah, exactly. We're going to learn the Jordan. We'll just make everything personal. We're making everything personal.

What is that reporter? Hey, hey, you hear what he said about us? Yeah, yeah. Well, I'm not. Do it for him. player. Do it to spite this piece of shit. Every time we win a game, it's because we hate you.

I'm wondering if I could threaten an airbud situation to the players. So I get in it... I'll replace you with a fucking dog. I get a team of golden retrievers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I say team, huddle up. Alongside training you, I've been training a crack team of golden

retriever basketball playing dogs. Pared up exactly to your skills. Yeah. Every single dog has like the same I like that idea of like, Nick meet Nick Dogg. Douglas, meet Douglas Dog, okay? Not only if I've been training them to match you completely on the field, also off the field. Douglas, meet Douglas Dog Wife. I bought each of these dogs a miniature version of your house that they've been living in for the last 10 years.

Well, I've really fallen in the way he's here. Graham, congratulations on your firstborn. Hey, Graham Dog, congratulations on your first litter. Yeah, exactly. And I just want to let you know, team, if you disappoint me out there in the field today, your replacements are sitting here waiting, ready to go.

Very obediently. Very obedient. And if you perform really well as a celebration, we'll take your dog down to the vet and get a put down. We know how much you love killing dogs. I think it's also funny to be like, you finish that speech to the players and then you turn to your team of dogs and you go,

Listen up In secret I've also been training A crack team of human players And if you disappoint me I can easily cut you and chuck one of them in there I've been secretly training A crack team of rats Okay

Douglas dog meet Douglas dog And I see all of you is interchangeable Okay You end up entering a team with a mix of guys Dogs and Rats I'm dragged off, screaming. Show me in the rule book, where? Show me in the rule book, where for the love of God?

Has he never read the rule book? It's so clear. Coach, the rats ran away the moment we started. Yeah, and the dogs ate some of the rats? I'm going to explain that to the rat family. We lost some good men today. Good men dog rats. I'm going to have to trade up some new rats.

I've been neglecting my real family because I've been dealing with all of this. Yeah. What do I mean by that? You should have had a fourth team of roachies? You have like a, yeah, you're like, okay, like a coach dog and then like a coach dog rat. No, it's all me. Oh, yeah.

And I'm barely at home these days. My kid says, Dad, can we play cash? And I say, I would fucking love to, dude. Like, your son's stuff. I would love to, but secretly, I have been training my dog's son. Yeah, exactly. So, look, and I see you and my dog is interchangeable, okay? Yeah, so close to her.

having rediscovered just normal sports, which is the second team is just humans who also play the game. And they'll, they can be brought up in their first team. You've just loved it. The reserves. But I've made the dogs, rats, and roaches.

I just love imagining finishing up at like maybe 11 p.m. with my roach team. And then getting in my car and driving to my, my rat team, then driving to my roach team. I'm like, all right, I'm tired, boy. But we go, okay, let's lock in. Time for training.

I've lost my mind, there's a bit of us. A fair way back, I think. Is it why you need to train up a dog coach? Yeah, that's smart, actually. Because then that way all the coaching is done by, you know, dog you. Yeah. I think this is a perfect member for all of us to stop and reflect. And that means you, too, listeners.

Which of these coaching strategies would work the best for you? Getting alive, having a coach that really, really hurts themselves every week. Yeah. We've got... Anti-Tethearts. Lassow, anti-Tead Lassau, yeah. What if your coach just said, you suck shit or whatever, and he doesn't care about you?

Time travel coach. Time travel coach or coach that is also trained a team of dogs and rats and roaches that they could replace you at any time. Yes, yeah, yeah. Which of these coaches would be a fill-up for your side? Oh, yeah, I'm so sorry, because Matt,

if that makes sense. I didn't read it, I just sent in the link. Oh, yeah, that's true. Miriam Webster. This is, this is a, this is a, I was going to say Schrodinger's link, but that's not right. It's a Chekhov's link. Yeah, it's Chekhov's link. Yes, yeah, yeah.

Philip, spelled with an F. Okay. Something that causes an improvement by adding excitement, interest, or encouragement. So today, all five of these were... Every single idea. We were Phillips to our team. That's beautiful, dude. God damn. Go us.

So you should change your name to Philip with an F. I think that's a good idea. I think that's the simplest coaching strategy. Philip Jackson Bailey. That man owns a boat. to tell me he doesn't. The sweet Mary Ann. Oh, my God, dude.

And he's got lots of money in different places and don't worry about it. A very sun-damaged skin. He looks like a football. Yeah, and I'm like approaching my 70s, but I'm spelt still, you know? Oh, you're wiry, white chest hair. Yes, oh my God, dude. And I'm always rubbing in sun tan lotion. Oh, yeah, just like coconut oil, just always on you.

You smell lovely. And I call everyone. Skipper. Morning, Skipper? That's really awesome. Well, that's what could have happened if your name was just simply full up Jackson Bailey. Fucked you. Alas. But if they'd named me that, I would have come out of immediately been born and just morphed into that man. Darling, where's my boat? Skipper, I say to my mom, where's my boat? Calling your mom's skip is funny. Yeah, yeah. Well, let us know in the comments or wherever. Yeah. Let us know on the comments of if you're

us on YouTube. You can let us know in the comments of, I believe, Spotify. Yes. Very, very episode. You could let us know, if you give us a five-star rating on Apple Podcasts, go five stars. Yeah. And then you just, you know, you tell us like, uh, would say your favorite riff. That's what I do.

People have been doing that recently. Favorite riff of the episode. But you got to do five stars first. Five stars then give us your favorite rift. Because I like looking back and being like, what the fuck am I saying? This goddamn podcast. Yeah, yeah. Do a Brownlow voting style.

Best three rifts. Yeah. One vote. That's a great idea. Who was best on ground in today's episode? Or any episode. Yeah, exactly, please.

And also, if you want to support us, obviously you can sign up to the Bad Brain Boys subscription service where you get a bonus episode of plumbing the death store every month as well as an episode of our show, What If? Every single month as well. And also, also, you get it twice a month.

Two damn episode of Jackson Belly Spooks America. Oh, my God. I think is that a certain, like, one that maybe Jaldusha hosts. Oh, beautiful. Oh, yeah. Yeah, a monthly episode about movies or whatever. Yeah, exactly.

Plus access to the Discord and a bunch of other stuff. So link in the show notes there. There's a lot of value there. I would say so bad. I don't even know the price that I can feel the value. It's only $150 a month. I believe it's something like $5. I don't remember.

Can we even mention the, you know, the occasional plumbing boys play slasher with D&D with our family. Early access to any of the dinosaur saga. Shit, we do. Oh, Matt, it's a lot of bloody stuff. If we do a live show, I think you get a discount code. You do you get a discount on tickets, dude. That's true.

For a simple $9.99 per month. Exactly. That's nothing, dude. That's the price of an iced latte for some reason. Yeah, yeah, what the fuck? What the fuck, dude? Why is an ice latte more expensive than a regular latte? They're not doing shit to my coffee.

I don't understand. How, how hard is it to freeze ice? Oh, dude. It gets my fucking good. Sorry, freeze water. who make ice. I'm sorry, you pedantic. Before we get lost too much in the weeds of the price of coffee

and if iced latte should cost more than regular lattes, let's thank our wonderful guest, Matt Stewart. It's been a pleasure here. I believe you host not one but two, maybe more podcasts. Oh, yeah, I host more than two, but two weekly ones. Two weekly podcasts do go on,

where we did do an episode about Alive. Oh, damn. I can't, so it's like a history. Jackson famous, like, on their side. Famous alive defender. I couldn't remember the story very much, but Jess Perkins told that story. You've been on. You told us the story of...

Of a Tom Slick, famous oil, Baron and Yeti Hunter. That's right. And probable spy. Dusha years ago told us the life story of the Gauze. And Zammar, I think you were on an episode where we... About a music... What was that? Music charity thing.

Yeah, live a... Live eight. I've never told a story. I'm just there as a listener. Well, I mean, if you were a story. Yeah. If you also want to hear me on Do Go On, I believe in an episode I appeared with, it was you doing the report, Matt. It was me and Cass Page, and that got voted best episode of me.

Oh, there you go. Was that a car one? Yeah. Exactly. On Do you go on. It was, um, Cass was invited to the award ceremony. And me too. And were you?

But I wasn't. Yet I was in the episode. Where were you, dude? That's weird. I feel like this is, the Do Go On Fears. And that's Jill Duthor Eurasia. Yeah. What's it like being slighted?

So maybe listen to who knew it, but don't worry about Dugaw. Who knew it? You've all been on a bunch of times as well. I think we're about to record an episode now. Maybe it'll come out on the same day. Oh, that's exciting. How would you describe it Dusha as a show? It's the most stressful podcast I've ever done.

Absolutely. Most people come on and say it was so much fun. I haven't heard that feedback before. It makes me spiral every single time, but I want to keep coming on because I reckon and every appearance I have on who knew it, I'm like, this is going to be the one where I crack the podcast and I get it and then I... It's fun. It's funny.

It's a great time. It's very fun. Every time I've been on it with my two my favorite boys in the world, I always get tricked by Jackson. But if I'm on the show with Adam, I play him like a fiddle. It's great. That's awesome. It's wonderful. Yeah, but the stress of being like,

I have to write something funny. And then hearing it right out and no one reacted to just to me like, well, whiff that one. I had to drop off a bridge. That's fine. Or, so for people who are unfamiliar with the concept of the show, who knew it with Matt Stewart is hosted by Matt Stewart, you would not believe that.

What? That's true. When Matt asks questions where they're, and you have to submit an answer. And then all of the answers from the guest, the guess of the show and people that have submitted the question, I get right out and then you've got to guess the right one. Which one's the correct answer? But as people who do comedy podcasts, it's like, oh, well, the show's a bit of fun. You can write a funny answer.

There's also the questions sometimes have legitimately funny answers as the real answer. Yeah, yeah. But what happens for me is I fall in the very large void between funny answer and believable answer. And I end up writing something that is neither funny nor believable. And I end the show with one point and I go, fuck my life. I need to come back on the show immediately to redeem myself. But I think you've got to start, you've got to use your intimate knowledge of these two. Yeah, that's true.

Yeah, you gotta get. Like Jackson does, the damn it. How Jackson plays me like a fiddle, then I, in turn, play Adam like a fiddle. You gotta play us like fiddles. I've appeared on it multiple times with Cass, and I'm like, I know Cass. I live with Cass. Yeah. I don't know Cass.

For me, the most stressful part. The cast, a beautiful woman. She's like, she's like a worm, and she's always wriggling. You don't know, you can't catch you. You can't catch you. She's like, she's like, she's like, she's eggs, like a worm. Like a worm. Most of these are great ways to describe how weasley worm.

What stresses me about who knew it with Matt Stewart is the terrible moment where everybody's finished writing their answers and you've been sitting there and you've written a couple of answers but you know none of them are good enough and your mind's going blank and everyone's waiting and you go, we're doing a fucking podcast here. I've got to get an answer out. What am I going to say? I've got to be quick. I've got to get something. I really need to. I think have I been like a reverse Ted lessover. Do you guys? It feels like the stress level of the way. It's nothing to do with you, Matt.

You're a wonderful host. It's us. It's just, it makes me go crazy. You're on a Phil Jackson, and we are the opposite of Michael. Michael Jordan. Reverse Scotty Pippen. Yeah, like, if you could get me. And listeners, this should be a big enough plug for you to go back and listen to any

appearance we've been on and see if you can tell when we're spiraling. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who is spiraling at any given board. But also, I like doing it, because most podcasts are I guess that I'm like, I get this. Like, I can do this. Yeah. Who knew it? I haven't cracked it yet.

So, if you want to get me on every single week, just I could eventually figure this out. Training for Doja. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think we should do that. Do some like, yeah, I guess, you know, like a guest spots, but like, you know, not non-recorded one. Yeah, yeah, yeah, like a practice.

In a gym. Why is Matt throwing a medicine ball? Quite a funny answer. All believable. We pick one. I want to do both. I think both are good strategies. Yeah, but it's impossible.

No, you can't do that. It's a problem. I understand, Matt, that the best answers on your show are both funny and the believable. Yeah, that's also the problem. I get that. And I know that the second best choice is to either go believable or funny. Yeah, yeah. But you've got to understand.

That's right. You try and maybe thread that needle, and then what you end up is neither funny nor believable. And you just have to sit in silence. And you've got to be like, no one's voted you. for my thing I guess I fucked it up, sorry I think what you should let you off the hook

is you go well because I read out all the answers you go well he didn't deliver that right oh that's true yeah he didn't punch it he's meant to punch it off because if I said that

that would have got a laugh yeah yeah yeah of course you know when you say one thing and then it's written by either yourself or someone else and then there's a laugh and then yours is read out

there's no laugh it's hard to think you're the problem kind of blame You put it in brackets, you give me a delivery note. In brackets, funny. Really? Make funny, please.

Well, thank you so much for coming on Pulling the Dead Star, Matt. And we look forward to losing our minds on who knew it. Yeah, absolutely. Why don't check it out? Check it out. Can you see how stressed we become, you know? All right. Well, see you next week.

I think we're all looking forward to this. Goodbye. I might figure it out this time. Oh, I love doing it. He's cracked. Dude, it's fun. I would say no. I didn't actually want to come on.

I want to come on. I want on every week. He wants to win. I need to figure it out. He's got a secret. Fuck. Lock in. Okay.

The Huluke. The Hulu The Hulu original series, Death in the Family dives into secrets, deception, murder, and the fall of a powerful dynasty. Inspired by shocking actual events and drawing from the hit podcast, this series brings the drama to the screen like never before. Starring Academy Award winner Patricia Arquette and Jason Clark, watch the Hulu original series Murdoch, Death in the Family, streaming October 15th on Disney Plus. My name's Ryan, this is my best friend Tony, and together we do the Tony and Ryan. podcast. Montreal. Bonjour. People right across Canada are listening to our daily podcast though,

but don't just take our word for it. Jamie from Vancouver. I think people should listen to the Tony and Ryan podcast because they are hilarious. There's no better comedy than Australian. Comedy they are unhinged. Thank you, Jamie. But just be warned if you're going up for a walk, you might laugh your ass off in public. But it's worth it. Trust me. Oh, yeah, be safe out there. Yeah, take it easy. Yeah. Listen to Tony and Ryan every day.