Plumbing the Death Star - How Would you Cope Being Furniture? (Feat. Mr Sunday Movies)

Episode Date: November 16, 2015

In which our heroes refuse to let a creepy old lady into out house when our parents aren’t home, anger the witch and are now cursed with being sentient furniture. We look at the negligence of said witch, try to work out what kind of future we’d become and how that’s determined and wonder what happened to the old furniture. Jackson remembers that the feather duster awakened something inside him, James doesn’t want the cup and ball equivalent of a lobotomy, Zammit keeps getting thrown into a pond and Duscher just wants to be the Beats. It’s a tale as old as time as we find out just how well we’d cope with being furniture. Not great. Want to help support victims of being turned into furniture? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in former furniture support groups. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least twenty-eight books about candelabra polishing.Want to come see just how handsome we really are? Well now’s your chance as we’re doing another live show on the 10th of December. Just head to https://sanspantslive.eventbrite.com.au for more information and to book your ticket now! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

SansPensRadio, buy my skeleton. Are you going to take me up on my offer to sell my skeleton? Email us at sanspensradio at gmail.com and we can probably arrange something. For everything else, including links to our other shows, our Twitter and our Patreon account, head to sanspensradio.com. Hey guys and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask important questions like, how would you cope with becoming furniture? Be our guest furniture be our guest

be our guest put our service to the test tie your napkin around your neck sherry and we provide the rest soup to jewel hot or dirt why we only live to serve try the gray stuff. It's delicious. Don't believe me? Ask the dishes. In the Disney classic, Beauty and the Beast, Beast, as a 12-year-old boy, doesn't let an old woman into a castle. Fair enough. That is fair enough, because that's the Disney universe. Poison apples and people turning into dragons and shit. I'd be sus the moment my mum became an old woman.

I would be like, Mum, you're chuffing off. I'm putting you in a home. So this old woman, he doesn't let her in. She curses him. Rude. He becomes the beast. But all of his servants become furniture and cutlery and tools. He had a lot of servants, didn't he?

He did. A lot of servants and not much parents around. No. Why didn't they answer the door? The whole thing is a puzzle. Actually, yeah, why didn't the servants answer the door is the better question. Perhaps that's why they're being punished.

But what I want to know is were you a servant of some variety for the prince and suddenly whether you're taking a shit or having a bath or having a shower. The three things servants do. You are becoming furniture. How would you cope with that?

Poorly. Very poorly. First of all, what kind of furniture would you become? I feel like I'd be a couch. It depends on your name. Because Cogsworth is a clock. Oh, yeah. So if your name is because Cogsworth is a clock. So if your name is Dusha, you're in trouble.

Oh, no! I'm coping very poorly. Would you become Dusha or Joel? Joel kind of sounds like towel. I'm Joel! I'm Joel! Everybody! Joel! It's Joel! I'm a towel! Alright, this is alright. Actually, it's Joel, I'm a towel, all right. This is all right.

Actually, it's a pretty similar problem. You're going to basically douche the fucking beast. That's not going to be a good time for you. And you're just becoming like a... But would the beast know how to use a douche? No, apparently he didn't know how to use fucking forks. So like, who knows? Maybe you'd become like a...

What are those toilets that clean your bum with a spout of water? You'd become a bidet, douche-er, is what you'd become. That's not so bad. Yeah, that's alright. I'm pretty much just spitting in someone's bottle. That's probably a job now. Zamet? Zamet sounds like... Zamet

kind of sounds like hammer. Not at all, but alright. It sounds more like hammer than anything else. Zamet, hammer. Zamet. Two M's in a... Yeah, fair enough. Hammer's okay. Hammer's alright. Jackson.

Just smack things with my head. That's gonna... Oh, that's gonna suck. I'm gonna pick up on my legs and just smack shit in my... Bailey's throwing me like a basket for some reason. Alright, I'll be a basket.

Like a bale. Bale of hay? That's not furniture. One of the beast beasts just bales of hay. Yeah, like a bed. Right? Because I figured he'd have like a hay bed.

Oh, yeah, Bailey bed. Yeah, all right. You're a bed. James? Some kind of game, I guess. Like a ball and cup? Yeah, sure, I'll make a ball and cup. No one would ever use me.

I'd just be left alone. That'd be all right. But I don't have legs. How's that go? I don't know. So how do you think? No, like the handle for the cup might be. Oh, but they can jump and shit.

Okay, yeah. I can imagine you super Disney-fied with the ball being your head. Not my braid. Every time it falls down, I'm like, oh! Oh, no. Oh, my God. You're just going to keep it in there, but you've got no arms. Just a face on a ball that just.

You have to hop, like chip hops. Yeah. Yeah, so like presumably we have some kind of motion. You just have. Yeah, James, you'd be rolling everywhere. That's right. Yeah, so presumably we have some kind of motion. You just have to be rolling everywhere. That's right, I'll take it. Well, would he though? Because he's got the hoop part. The cup. Yeah, you probably flip on,

basically flip onto your neck. Yeah. And drag your head around. Actually, that's a good point, because you could probably flip it so that, because I'm imagining it with the ball on top and the cup handle being your legs, because you could probably flip it so that, because I'm imagining it with the ball on top and the cup handle being your legs, but you could probably flip it upside down so your face is on the handle,

and the ball just rolls behind, like your brain just tumbles after you as you hop everywhere. But again... Your brain doesn't become like, you know, someone just cuts the cord and you're like, oh no. Is that lobotomy?

It sure is. As a bed, am I expected to do much? Can I even leave the room? You can try and leave the room, but the doorway is going to be a bit of a hassle for you. A bed, apparently. No, you're stuck, mate. The carpet barely got around. You're going to be using the posters walking to the doorway.

That's awful. Look, the bed had to get in the room. So unless it was assembled in there, you could turn it sideways and slide out. Well, that raises another question. Because it's not like these servants were magicked in. I mean, we don't see. And I'm not going to assume that they were magicked

into the appropriate place. So I could have just been using the outhouse. Outside bed. What happened to the original furniture? Well I assume some of it just became magic Because during the Be My Guest Yeah James' head is just

His ball and cup brain is rolling But during the Be My Guest musical sequence There are a lot of non-sentient cups and plates Are they non-sentient well they don't have faces okay and i'm going to take it as a given that if it's got a face it's alive okay that just doesn't fuck it just fuck right off rather than how get out of here starfish furniture it's how would you cope being furniture and suddenly being able to have some level of sentience well Well, that...

But no, I don't even know if they do... Oh, I guess they do, because they're rolled in, like they just roll themselves in. Yeah. Could you imagine being a saucer? Just a plain old saucer, and then suddenly you are awakened to life, and you again have no mouth, no eyes, no ears.

But you're aware. But you're aware, and you know you have to roll around and do shit you'd just be like smash me you can't scream no it's like that book I have no mouth I am a saucer it's a classic sequel

well I don't know what is more terrifying suddenly getting senti I mean well probably that or having your body contorted into the shape of a hammer. Do you know how top-heavy you'll be? Can I move? I don't think I can. Well, I mean, if

James can hop about, you can probably hammer your way along. You'd be like one of those drinking birds just kind of going. I couldn't be silent. I couldn't sneak anywhere. No, I feel like, again, it would be like the James thing of like the waiters at the bottom so you're sort of like

rocking the best thing about that is that in that fight sequence at the end of Beauty and the Beast when all the villagers come to kill Beast and they like knock them like it's just like

a candle being like oh I've burnt your coat but you're a hammer oh my god you're just like into the skull yeah like the back part like as well

like just bang good you know what? But if somebody picked you up and just held you at a wall and you just hooked in, you'd be like, well, that's me stuck. Would you have, and do sure as a bidet. I forgot about that.

You'd just be spitting on the villagers. Imagine you'd be super Disney-fied as well and you'd be like, hey guys, psst. I got to just be part of your talking. Constantly smiling. Yeah. Would you be mad at the beast? I don't think I'd be terribly happy as a bed outside. Also, where would you be

when the change happened? As a bidet, I might be a drinking fountain instead, depending on where I turn into what. Oh, that's true. When does a bidet turn into a drinking fountain? It's height. Yeah, it is.

So when does a bidet turn into a drinking fountain for children? Where does the water come from? Are you attached to the mains? Yeah, that's what I mean. Are you strapped in? Jesus Christ. We have bad ones. What you strapped in? Oh, no. Jesus Christ. Dusha, we have bad ones.

What you have to hope is that you were outside doing some, like you were a gardener or something. I was holding a hose or something. Yeah. And you just suddenly, no, because even if you're, you could just be a dry bidet outside. Oh, no. You see those old houses, they've clearly, you know,

fallen to disrepair and you see like it's a broken toilet outside the front. You're that yeah well i mean i guess maybe you're gonna ask what kind of servant you would have been in the building don't you or maybe the curse is a little nicer than we're giving it credit for okay and it's like rather than going on i know because it's obviously on their names unless their names they change their names to match whatever they get turned into it It's entirely possible. Yeah, I suppose so. It could be possible.

Cogsworth was a butler from memory, the clock guy. And Lumiere was just like a waiter? Yeah. Yeah. Was a feather duster chick? A mage. He was a mage. Yeah.

That's a sexiest feather duster I've ever seen. Oh, my God. She's such a babe. Holy shit. Hello, puberty. Yeah, right. How you doing? As a hammer, I couldn't go off sneaking and trying to bang a feather duster

because you'd be like, doof, doof, doof. There's Zammert. There's Zammert trying to get some strange. Because, yeah, maybe the curse would just turn you into whatever is most appropriate for the room you're in, and then you just have to change your name. Okay, sure. Hey, that's not so bad. Yeah.

Well, I figure if I was any kind of servant, I'd probably just be like a... I don't know. I'm not very good at much, guys. No, you're not. Hmm. Like a jester. Yeah. Do they have jesters? Maybe. Whatever, I'll be a jester, so I guess I'll become like a... I think if you're...

You'd be more like the cup and ball thing if you were a jester, like entertainment. Yeah, you're a cup and ball. Bad luck. Well, not bad luck, because we realise a cup and ball thing if you were a jester, like entertainment. Yeah, you're a cup and ball. Bad luck. Well, not bad luck because we realise a cup and ball's pretty fine. Yeah. I'd be a hoop and a stick. Yeah!

Hoop and stick. There you go. That's awesome. I'd move around like the hoop would roll and the stick would be like a walking stick walking alongside it. That's awesome. I think I'd be more of a chef. Yeah, okay. Yeah, you can cook. So you'd probably turn into like a chef. Yeah, okay. Yeah, you can cook.

So I guess you'd probably turn into like a pot or something. Yeah. A knife. No pot. Or a knife. Sandwich becomes a ladle. You're a ladle.

Alright. That's pretty good. I feel like I'd probably be a butler. Yeah. Doesn't it make you a clock? Yeah, I guess. That's alright. That's not too bad.

James? I'd be a serial killer. No, do castles have them? I don't know, maybe a blackboard? I'm always yelling about stuff. Yeah, blackboard's not too bad. You could I'd be a serial killer. No, do castles have them? I don't know, maybe a blackboard? I'm always yelling about stuff. Yeah, blackboard's not so bad. You could put it on television. Sure. I don't think the Beast had a TV.

19th century television. So, do you think you'd be mad at the Beast? And how? Yes. Like, I think I'd be furious. I'd be like, this isn't okay. Or would he be mad that you made him answer the door? Butler. Oh, fuck, that's on me. That's on you, Dushy.

You should have answered the door. Either as a ladle or a hammer, I would be attacking the beast when he was sleeping. Yeah, same. I'd be like, oh, this fucking beast is falling asleep. No, but how scary is that? Because you're like, kaboom, as a hammer, kaboom, kaboom. And then the beast wakes up and he's like, oh.

Throws you into the street. Yeah. Throws you in a pond. Holy shit. Although, sweet relief of death. How good. You're not breathing. You're just a hammer at the bottom of a lake.

You're essentially a hammer with a face. And also, I can move, right? So I would eventually come out of that pond. The claw bit. You claw your way out of that. And hassle his shit again. I'm going to throw you in the ocean several months later i'm doing it i'm the beast now guys surprise but the beast can't leave the castle can he i think he can because he went he goes and saves it from the wolves or whatever yeah yeah i think he can i think he chooses not

to by the way being a beast is a pretty sweet deal i know like he got the good one out of it all. Hoop and a stick is pretty good. Hoop and a stick is great. I'd just like pimp walk around the castle. My mind is like, I, I and the whole big hoop is my mouth. Woo, woo, woo! Is the noise I'd make as I roll. That would be annoying.

I'd also put you in the lake with him. I think the beast would try and chase you and try and break you. Yeah, I think he would as well. Does the beast break furniture at one point? Yeah, yeah, the beast fucks up some guys. Oh my god, yeah. Like, are those servants or are those sentient furniture? Either way!

There's a lot of murder in that. There's a bit where the cupboard, like, squashes a person. Like, just... bang! Destroyed. Yeah. Squished. Yeah. Blood and guts everywhere. I think you'd make a good

cupboard douche yeah i think if we're going on just like personalities you'd make a good cupboard sam you'd make a good like um like a uh uh uh like a lounge room lamp like you know like one of those big tall lounge lamps and i'd make a good throw pillow. Throw pillow or doorstop? I'd beckon doorstop. The dog got a sweet deal. Yeah, the dog did. Like, in terms of mobility. Yeah. Like, he wouldn't even know. He's like, this is just how I am.

Dogs. Like, I'm just still a dog. I'm just a different one. Yeah, I'm just a different shaped dog. That old lady's... Oh, man. But she wasn't even an old lady. He becomes like a footstool.

Oh, that's right. I remember now. He's bloody wrapped. He's bloody wrapped. He is bloody wrapped. He's probably just like, I'm allowed to be inside all the time now. It's rules. Sometimes I put my feet on my dog anyway.

Bonus. Right? Yeah, I use my dog as a pillow as well. Yeah, at times. She does not like me. That's okay. She'll learn to love you. They are, well,

let's see how long their furniture fall because the beast is cursed at 12. Is that actually true? He's 12? That is not fair. Oh no, it's not on at all. And he has to find true love before he turns 21. 21? Yeah. So they, from 12 to 21,

you'll be right. So that's 10 years. Finding true love is going to be hard. Anyway. I don't know. I don't think if he's a beast, he should be like one giant eye and like horrible teeth and like missing patches of fur. He's pretty handsome. He looks like a

lion that can stand up. Mixed with a little bit of buffalo. He becomes handsome. He's not like a disgusting. He's not unlovable. I've heard women say, to me specifically, that he looks better as a beast. Oh, for sure. I agree. He's like a pretty girl man.

He's like, oh, like all day. Like, if you were dating the beast, you'd be like, oh, yeah. Give me some of that fur. But as he's like, oh, the weather is so hot. I need a parasol. The wind is blowing me over. And you'd be like, this is not hot I need a parasol the wind is blowing me over and you'd be like this is not what I signed on for

at all not happy with this and at the end of Beauty and the Beast when the curse is broken all the servants still work for him frankly if I was like and I'm just like me

sitting on a couch no longer a throw pillow well you'd be sitting on doucha yeah get off me. Oh, my God. I would be like, this is fucked. I'm leaving and suing you.

Actually, my... Oh, wait, hang on. Yeah, first thing to do, because now he's along the beast, punch him in his face. Yeah, because he's a fancy lad. Yeah, he's a fancy lad. And then, yeah, we'd all just be like, oh, that thing you found too low, cool.

All right, you hold him down. Everyone form a line. Punch him in the face. Punch him in the face. You hold him down. Everyone form a line. Punch him in the face. You'll get one. Everybody gets one hit. You gotta remember as well that the Beast was a beast for ten years. Can you imagine how a twelve year old kid... He missed puberty. Yeah, he did.

He kind of got ultra puberty. Yeah, true. No, but ten years of... And he was not fun to live with, clearly. Everybody was kind of living in fear a little bit. For 10 years. Maybe before as well.

Because why is he answering the door? I feel like they all didn't like him. Because he was a prick, it was implied, right? Yeah, he was a dick of a kid. Who isn't a dick at 12, really? Yeah, you're right. If I got cursed for everything bad I did at 12... You're out of luck, mate.

But you didn't do anything wrong. Everything's furniture. I'm probably a tree or some shit. You're a young princeling. Yeah. You answer the door. An old woman is like... A terrifying old woman.

A terrifying old woman. Come with me and I want to sleep on your couch. Yeah. As a 12 year old If a strange woman came and knocked on my door I'd be like No Are you a gross homeless woman

This is the Disney universe Where an old woman gives a girl an apple And puts her in a fucking coma No You'd see an old woman at the door You'd be like oh shit Give me that zamet hammer. I'm going to wreck this shit.

Plus, she was not an old woman. She was an enchantress. She was just trapping him. What a bitch. What was her plan if he let her in? Oh, yeah, I don't know. Maybe something nice. Drat, I really wanted to do shit.

That's not what I... Don't trust old people. You're a beast now. Was that the message he was trying to send? I don't know. Be kind to old people or don't be kind to old people. Or don't trust strangers. It's super unclear. Be kind, yeah, and trust people you shouldn't.

I like how irrelevant that is to true love. Oh yeah, like there's no parallel to that, is there? No, it's not like she's like you need to be nice to an old person. Be kind to strangers, you will is to true love. Oh, yeah. Like, there's no parallel to that, is there? No, it's not like she's like, you need to be nice to an old person. Be kind to strangers, you will find your true love. It makes sense. No, it doesn't at all. It's nonsense.

That's like if I was like, Zamit, you didn't give me a piece of your pie, so now you have to kill the president. Whilst finding true love. It's just like there's no correlation at all it's ridiculous I can imagine the poster it's you like shrugging

holding a piece of fire no marbles behind you shaking his head oh no before Zammert turns 31 he must kill the prison or find true love I just requested it of you. I didn't make your beast or anything.

Yeah, I feel like that was just off the cuff. Like, she was just like, you have to do it to the true love. Ha! There you go. Deal with it. Yeah. Unless her point is, like, you're gonna have to start being nice if you want to find true love, so she's kind of forcing him to try and change, but being nice doesn't correlate to

love at all. No, and what did she get out of it? But also finding love as a beast is going to be pretty hard. Like she made it hard for him. Yeah, she did. Before 21 as well is a bit rough. Also, yeah, before 21, I mean... I don't know. Actually, no, that's easy,

because you're a teenager and just an idiot. You're like... Oh, yeah, I love everybody. Can you quantify... Just take drugs. Can you quantify love? True love. Interstellar says you can. Yeah. Interstellar says you can.

Yeah, Interstellar says you can. Get right in the bookcase or something. Yeah. You remember that? Push out a book, speak in code. What if the beast true love was like the feather duster? What if that was like? Then you're out of luck.

And then he's like, I can't, you know, you're a feather duster, so obviously it's not that. And it's clearly, no, it should have been the feather duster. She was lovely. Now the bloody candle's in. I'm bloody out let's be honest true love is not like despite what Interstellar

may believe is not a quantifiable thing you can feel like you're in love with someone then they leave you and then you're just hooking up with someone new down the track

what if like Belle came along and he's like yeah you're my true love and then the last rose falls and he's like still a bee he's like oh I guess this isn't meant to work out he's like yeah you're my true love and then the last rose falls and he's like still a bee he's like oh I guess this isn't

meant to work out he's like oh shit I really loved you Belle oh no you kidnapped me I just wanted to have a fancy weekend up in the beast castle I saw a picture of you as a human

no not good she comes in the castle she's like found a photo is this you? you look like a fancy boy you look like a fancy 12 year old boy what happened to the beast I loved?

yeah that's a good point actually Bal gets a really rough end of the stick because if beast is her true love he changes a lot

in literally the drop of a hat or the drop of a rose. As it were, yes. He doesn't even have the same hair colour. Something weird about his hair. Oh, you're blonde. As a kid he's got blonde hair.

Then he has a beast thing and he comes back and it's like his hair's been growing the whole time. That's super strange. Like this curse will make you a beast, but your hair will continue to grow. Was he naked when he came back? No, he's wearing, like, prince robes. What? Oh, so they are torn, though.

So he's not just wearing, like, the Hulk. He's, like, torn pants. He's like, huh, huh, huh. Because as, like, a servant that recently turned into furniture, I'd be like, are you the prince? I don't know. The priest was kind of like, you know, a girly man. I guess that means

though, you all age. So you've lost 10 years of your life. Possibly prime years. But I've gained 10 years to hammer. Oh yeah, I didn't even think about that. That is some experience there. That makes character building. That would be so weird. Imagine like, just after that, like you'd be changed forever. Like just waking up in the middle of the night

thinking you're a hammer again. I know, like, damn it, the first thing you'd do when you became a man would be fall flat in his face. It's like, I need to get something to start hammering in my head. Yeah. Do you remember the bidet? When you became a man, you'd just be like... No, I'd be like, I need liquid.

I need more liquid in me. I'm so empty. PTSD. Do they know the beast needs to find true love? Yes, because they're helping him, aren't they? They're not... Well, are they? Ten years, that's... Yeah, you're right. No, but that's because if you're like...

If the beast came to us and he's like, I need to find true love. And we were like, look, we're just a bidet, a pollen cup, a bed. Also, you're twelve. Also, you're twelve. And a hammer. And he's like, go into town and find me a woman. You could do that. You could be someone.

I'm a talking hammer or whatever. Listen, there's a massive castle. It can be yours. Just go with it. How great is the image of like a bed with a hammer, a bowling cup, and a bidet chuffing down the mountain? I imagine for some reason the bed's like rolling rather than sliding. It's just like we're walking real casual at first on my like legs

and then we're just tripping also like landing in town and just being like clip clop and someone's like I'm moving bed hello I am Joel Zammett the hammer these are my friends.

Someone's coming at you with an axe. Yeah. Somebody's going to chop me up for firewood. Gaston is coming at you with an axe. Yeah. Gaston's going to destroy me. Yeah, they don't like new things that... I'd try and find an old-timey prostitute.

Yeah. You're a hammer. Yeah. You're a hammer. You can't even knock on a door. I can knock on the door. That's the only thing I can do. that's the only thing I can do. I think I can do well.

But yeah, as a talking hammer, try to convince old-timey prostitute to just chuff off to the mountain and, like, hey, just convince him he's in true love. But it's not like he needs to get laid by he's 21. He just gets kissed. I think we have to assume, for the sake of the universe, that... There's ten years.

I would have tried that at least once. Well, maybe you'd have gotten the beast late. Maybe they did get him late. Yeah, like, maybe Lumia and Cogsworth were bringing prostitutes by the barrel full of... And they're like, none of this is working. This is not working. I do not understand. What is going wrong?

I used to solve all of my problems with prostitutes. Prostitutes? Barrels full of prostitutes. Barrels of prostitutes. It is not working. There's just a pit out the back of dead prostitutes. The beast just tears them apart. Because you have to assume,

because that's the nature of the Disney universe. Belle is genuinely his true love. But I like that that means that nobody checked that town. Like if I was a bed and the beast was like, go find me a lady, I'd be like, alright, everyone hop on, click clop, click clop, click clop, knock, bring all the women in, I'd be like, ladies, abort!

You'd be like a beast version of the bachelor. The beast char. Everyone, hi, look, yes, I am a hammer, yes, it is strange, look, magic is a thing, we all know it's a thing. Come on, don't yes, I am a hammer. Yes, it is strange. Look, magic is a thing. We all know it's a thing. Come on.

There's a castle. You know him, the prince, cursed. Look, it's been about a week. Apparently it's true love. Former line, ladies, men as well. Yeah, whatever. We don't know it's true love yet. Has everyone come down?

Yeah, he's got a lot of confused feelings. Let's see what happens. Let's see what happens. Then you systematically work your way through. They go on a couple of dates. You're out of there. Yeah, because they don't even know he's there. Do they? Yeah. Well, that's a super weird thing that the town is just like... And it's the closest town, right? Did we have a king?

One day someone's like, I've got all of this gold that I'm going to send up to the castle for tax. It's the king's tax, but nobody's collecting of this gold that I'm going to send up to the castle for tax. It's the king's tax, but nobody's collecting it. I'm guessing this year's tax-free. I suppose. Even later on, getting towards the end of the 10 years, people are just walking outside and just pointing at the castle and being like,

what's that about? Yeah. Because it's close, isn't it? Yeah. Or is the beast a bit of a dick about it? Like when people come visiting and the beast is like... Yeah. I'm a beast. No, but nobody knows.

They don't know he's there. And the furniture's like, no, no, no, come back, he can be true love. Damn. Because when... What is it like Bruce Wayne at, like, in The Dark Knight Returns or Rise, whatever that fucking movie's called? Yeah. How he's like, I'm still here, but I'm just hiding in the shadows for, like, nine years.

No, because they don't know he's there. Like, when Belle comes down, or Belle's dad comes down, and he's like, there's a beast! The beast goes, years. No, because they don't know he's there. Like when Belle comes down or Belle's dad comes down and is like, there's a beast! The beast goes, Belle! Gaston's like, holy shit, a beast! Let's go take it out! He's not like the king, I get it. The prince who became a beast and all his furniture. You don't think

that those people used to live in the town? It's only been ten years. That's a good point. People should remember this. And not just the beast and shit. Like, surely if we would have started in that town and got no job at the castle, at least our parents would live in town. They'd be like, what happened to my son, Zamet?

What if I had a family back home in that town? Yeah. That piece of shit, Zamet, has to come home for ten fucking years. Imagine, like, coming home as a hammer. You're like, darling? She's like, I slept with the baker. Plus I'm going to throw you in a well. because i'm mad at you for abandoning me that would be the best hammer yeah

hammers are not getting out of a well but then you when the curse was lifted then i just be a dude in a well hello not a hammer anymore it's's me again. You tried that last time. Damn. It's real this time. I swear. I'm cold now. Yeah. Do they all die if they don't complete the curse?

Because the beast dies. Well, he's supposed to die, isn't he? Does he? Or does he become a beast forever? I think they become a beast and furnish forever. Oh, okay. So they furnish forever.

So you'd be pretty desperate. Yeah. Because you'd be like, look, if we get him... No, no. You'd be desperate in the last week. You think you'd become a beast and furnish forever. Oh, okay. So they'd furnish forever. So you'd be pretty desperate. Yeah. Because you'd be like, look, if we get him... No, no. You'd be desperate in the last week. You'd think you'd just be like, whatever. I think I'd be pretty chill. I've got 10 years.

Yeah. I'd be pretty chill. I don't know. I'd be desperate. I'd be the whole time. I'd be back in my mind. Like, oh, you'd be in the back of my mind. Yeah.

I'd be trying to, like, actively trying to do shit. Like, I'd be going town to town and be like, please, someone come see this beast. You might be the true love. Look, you inherit a castle. Look at this goat. Pros might be the true love. Look, you inherit a castle. Just go. Pros and cons. Pros and cons. Do you reckon you could get like eight of you

and put on a coat and like walk around the town? Yeah. Hey! Just like a hammer. Where the head should be. You're like, this ain't right. You're like, that could work. Yeah, I reckon you get like,

because someone's going to have been turned into a coat rack, right? Yeah. It's like a spine. So you've got like a spine. You just cobble together something. I'm a hammer. We can hammer pieces into a coat rack, right? Yeah. It's like a spine. So you've got a spine. You just cobble together something. I'm a hammer. We can hammer pieces into pieces. Yeah, definitely.

Smack your face into them. Yeah. And then this giant hoop for a head with a hat on top. I think the opposite would happen to me, though. You guys were saying you would get more and more desperate as time goes on. I feel like after the first year, I'd probably be like, this is my life now. And I'd probably be scared to be turned

back to a guy, because after 10 years... Stockholm Syndrome. Sort of. 10 years of throat pillow. 11 years of throat pillow. I'd just be like, yeah, I think I'd actively be trying to stop it. I'd be like, I love my throat pillow life. Yeah, I don't die as a hammer.

I don't die. Yeah, I don't die as a mortal Or you can Also the hammer could just break What happens if you're smashed? Because Chip Mrs Potworth or whatever When he turns back into a little boy He's got a chip tooth

Did he have that before? If he's still a little boy He hasn't aged. No, he hasn't. You're right. Oh, no. Unless he was like a baby. Oh, my God.

Imagine a baby who is now a cup. Your formative years were spent as a cup. That's all you know. You would literally be like, ah! Ah! What am I? Your mom would be like, Those are fingers. Those are fingers. Holy shit. Someone turn him back.

Turn him back. Where's that old witch? Because also, he'd have no motor skills. He'd only have cop motor skills. Would any of us have motor skills? Zamat hasn't used his arms or legs for 10 years. It's like being in space and you come back and you're all rubbery. Yeah, your muscles would be atrophied.

Well, they didn't exist, I suppose. But you'd be very unused to using them. You wouldn't be ripped. You'd be a skinny little man. You'd be like a baby trying to walk again doing that weird baby walk they do when they're just learning how to walk.

Like how they just fall and your arms be going everywhere because I don't know what these are for. And like, yeah, fine motor skills, they're out the door. Would you be able to get like psychiatric help? I guess. You don't want to. Like, could you go up to someone and be like,

I'd just like to talk about when I was a bad... No, they'd throw you in an asylum. They would. Immediately. Like, back in those days, it's a Disney universe. They're like, oh, it's Disney, you're right. It's a Disney universe. They're like, oh, shit, yeah, no, please come in.

They'd be like, no, were you a thing that's not a man? Yeah, that happens. We have that, yeah. And you'd have, like, oh, were you once just a piece of, like, were you a saucer and now you have feelings? Okay, he's just nodding. Okay, good.

We assume that's a nod. Come with us, you poor thing. I mean, that opens it up to all of the awful things that can happen to you in a Disney universe You know like you can become an animal From a little mistake You piss off a bear Sorry mate you're gonna be a bear for a bit

Before you're okay with bears again That's the plot of Brother Bear It is And also kind of the plot of Brave But it's less about you pissing off a bear Whereas like if your daughter Pisses off a bear You whereas if your daughter pisses off a bear, you become a bear.

That's even more unfair. Again, it's similar. That's just like, hey, you're tangentially related to the person I'm mad at, so. How does Ariel get legs? She asks a sea witch. Oh, a sea witch. Good. Depends which version.

You want the horrible version or the Disney version? I know the horrible version. She just cuts her tail in half. Yeah. And then she dances for the prince. And then the prince is like, haha, this is funny, dance for me. And then she bleeds to death while she's dancing. Yeah, and he doesn't get her at the end. And she's like, haha, that was good. Please me, I'm going to marry a human now.

You gross sea thing. I just liked watching you dance. And bleed for me good good see which Ursula wait Ursula turns a human isn't Ursula the bad guy yeah but she does it to get her voice

oh doucher my word tell me the story of little mermaid Jackson basically she's like I want to date this human who I've seen a statue of Ursula's like not on

you gotta give me your voice though she's like yeah sick same thing I think I think she has to find her true love or she'll lose her voice does she get to keep her legs or does she get to see legs again no she gets to keep her legs so the she get to see legs again? No, she gets to keep her legs. Yeah.

So the wish is fine. He was just like a selfish... Ursula's not that bad at all. She gets something else though if they don't do it. Yeah, she gets a voice and the kingdom of Atlantis. That's right.

So that's, I mean, Awari there. Hang on. Does that mean... Is that the same curse? She can have Atlantis. I don't give a shit. Yeah, who gives a fuck? It's just fucking Triton

And his billions of daughters But no wife Also like Ariel clearly doesn't give a shit About Atlantis And she gives away her tail So therefore can't even Fucking go visit it anyway

That's true She'd drown But does the The little mermaid curse Have the She doesn't have gills She doesn't have gills It's magic

She breathes Wouldn't she have gills? It's magic She'd probably have gills But maybe they're in her tail She'd be dark under there as well She'd be pitch black Yeah she should be pale as hell She doesn't have gills. It's magic. How does she breathe? Wouldn't she have gills? It's magic. She probably has gills. It's Disney magic. She'll be dark under there as well. She'll be pitch black. Yeah, she should be pale as hell.

And have a little light on her forehead. And she comes up to the surface. She'll be blind. Yeah. Oh, my God. And then this bloody, like, King Leon, whatever his name is, would just find a floating dead body and be like, this is sad. But is that the same curse?

You gotta find true love or you won't be turned back. That happens again. Is that your basic true love curse? Is that how that works? I think the carpet from Aladdin is the same curse. Really? That didn't turn out. He's like, you're a carpet, find true love.

I can't, I've got no mouth. I'm a carpet forever. I'm a carpet forever. And he's just like in constant mental anguish because he can't transform back. Why doesn't Aladdin wish the carpet back to being a human? He doesn't know. Because he's just thinking it's a carpet that moves.

Yeah, that's what I agree with. Because you live in the world of Disney where you're like, that is also totally conceivable. Yeah, that's also a good point, I guess. Remember that we got in here and there was a talking tiger cave. So, yeah, sure. Whatever, I'm happy Remember that we got in here and there was a talking tiger cave, so, yeah, sure. Like, whatever. I'm happy to believe literally anything. Yeah, what if it's like, you know,

I'm going to turn you into a talking tiger cave unless you find true love? Yeah. Love me. So the universe is just riddled with people who haven't found true love. Yeah. That's so mean!

Anything magic in the Disney universe is because they didn't find true love. Yeah. What if you don't want true love what if you just want to read books and be alone what if you're asexual and aromantic none of it's for you and you're just like

I literally don't well I guess you're a carpet now I guess it's not too bad for you so I guess there is no people no object turning sentient it's just all people who haven't found true love what so you're telling me that all the crockery in the beast's castle was just like they just go around and collect people who didn't find their true love and they're like we'll eat off you

that'll do us you're nothing to us because if the carpet is essentially that and the talking lion head is essentially that as well then there's nothing to say that you know it's like you must find true love before you stay a saucer and you're like alright okay I'm just

now a saucer you haven't given me like lips or the ability to find true love there's gonna be you know early on

when they're practicing this magic that they're gonna fuck up yeah like you must find true love you are now a saucer oh I didn't give you mouth

shit oh well bad luck curse the next And true love, you are now a sorcerer. Oh, I didn't give you mouth. Shit. Bad luck. Oh, Laugh Gasola. Curse the next young prince. The next one just explodes. Bang. There's a lot of kinks in this spell. Why are we doing this?

What are we hoping to achieve? What is my motivation here? I want young people to fall in love, and this is the best motivator. If they don't find it, they just stay as a thing. I feel like that's people's motivation anyway. Do you need to turn them into something? A lot of people are like, that's the goal of a lot of people. Yeah.

And some people don't find true love until they're in their 40s or 50s. That's just to be really good at video games. So that's your curse. You must beat all the Need for Speed games fuck Need for Speed 2 is so hard before you're 21 I'm stuck like this forever

it's the carpet playing Xbox so I was just thinking then I just realised that curse would really suck if they turned me into a carpet I'm like I have no hands I can't be good at video games you've fucked me you've actually fucked me

you've really fucked me why would you do this that's the problem with a curse she's like you have to do something you have to work around it well you guys were bullshitting on yeah

I was thinking about what the enchantress that sounds like us would get out of making the beast a beast because she's put him in a difficult position right

and no witch is like she did it on purpose she doesn't come back out of making the beast a beast. Because she's put him in a difficult position, right? And no witch is like, like, she did it on purpose. She doesn't come back to check to see, like, how it worked out. No. But maybe she was in the wings waiting for that last rose to drop. It dropped and she was like, well, fuck. Maybe, like, she wanted the kingdom and all of, like, the duchies and the land and all of that ruling power. And it was like, if he's a beast forever,

he's out of the fucking way. Why don't you just turn him into also furniture, if that was the game? Or stab him in his neck. Well, I guess if you're an enchantress, you're better with magic. Again, why doesn't she turn him into something that's not a threat?

You chose a different class. Fuck, it comes back to do and do again, and I will... I'll end you. Enchant yourself a dagger in your hand, stab him in his neck, then you've got the kingdom. Look, I'm just trying to figure out

a reasonable reason. There is no reason. I mean, we can try. I mean, okay, let's try. Come on, we're having a bad day. Like, if you're a person like that with unlimited power, and you just have a bad day, and you're just like, that with unlimited power and you just have a bad

day and you're just like, whatever, this is happening. And I don't reckon she thought twice about it. I reckon she just left. I reckon you're right. Look, you're a beast and everybody with you is furniture. Yeah, she probably did it at the next castle. Actually, it's also a pretty random

thing to just think of. You're a beast now unless you find true love by 21 and i guess you're serving some i don't know furniture maybe she didn't even plan for that she just kind of did like a general spell and left and it just kind of like the fallout made everyone furniture unintended consequence of him becoming a beast and her cursing yeah like if she came back and she was like oh shit what happened to your guys and they're like he's like they became cops and shit. She'd be like, what? That's pretty funny. That's not what I did.

Wow. Didn't mean to. Yeah, I'm pretty good at this. You need to check on that guy. He's turned into a lion mouth thing. Like the same witch who's like, hey, I didn't get invited to that party. I'll sleep forever.

I think, or at least it'd be a school of those witches. No, because that's the same thing. I didn't get invited to her party. She falls asleep. Everybody else falls asleep. She's like, I'm bad at curses. I just affect everyone, not just the one person I'm trying to get.

That's a pretty shit curse. I'm trying to think of other curses that just affect an entire kingdom, not just one person. See if it's just her. Yeah, because you've got a little mermaid. It's sort of, I take your legs, not just one person. See, if it's just her... Yeah, got a little mermaid, it's sort of I take your legs and that kind of stuff. But there's clearly a gain there.

There's something to get out of that. What's her problem, man? I don't know. Come on, girl. Calm down. Is it Ursula or Botter that she's angry? Yeah. Sorry.

She's Botter that she's angry. Isn't Ursula all angry that she's ugly is what I tried to say. I think she's kind of cool. Sorry. She's butthurt that she's angry. Isn't Ursula all angry that she's ugly is what I tried to say. I think she's kind of cool with it. Yeah. She's kind of proud of her body. She's mad that she doesn't have the kingdom of Atlantis.

Oh, okay. Was she like a spurned ex-lover? No, they're supposed to be brother and sister. Oh, is that what it is? Yeah, in the original whatever script, they were brother and sister.

Why is she a squid? Shut up. Just... Oh, yeah, now I know. You know. Same way that Mr. Krabs Original whatever script. They were brother and sister. Why is she a squid? Shut up. Just a second. Oh, yeah, now I know. You know. Same way that Mr. Krabs is Sandy's dad, even though Mr. Krabs is a crab and Sandy's a whale. Exactly.

Now I get it. That makes a lot of sense. I just assumed she was like part of the mermaid race, but like a different kind. I thought you were talking about SpongeBob still. I was like, how did you think a whale was a mermaid? Simple, aren't you? But I'm following it. Yeah, I think

it must be the same witch, or at least that same school of magic that are coming together and be like, if someone doesn't let you in you, well, don't just leave a bad review on Yelp. You must curse the whole kingdom slighted in the tiniest way. Eveniniest way.

Even if the person that you're cursing probably did the right thing by not letting a scary old witch person into your castle when your parents weren't there. Take it down. Take it down. Just destroy his life. What about Snow White and... Oh, no, not Cinderella.

Snow White gets cursed by a witch as well. The stepmother is a witch. I mean, there's nothing to say it's not the same lady. She stops over in Beastland, fucks them up. She stops over somewhere else, fucks them up. She's like, yeah, I'll settle down here, marry this cunt, whatever. I want to be the prettiest. Nah, the stepmother is a bit too, like,

she cares a bit more than this enchantress we're describing. Well, I think with Snow White it's also weird, because why put someone to sleep? She's still pretty, she's just asleep. Yeah, I know. I get that's a good point. And what I find funny, who's the prettiest one of them all just shows?

Snow White asleep? Damn. It's not like she's an uglier sleeper or something. Yeah. Got a scrunched up face. Pulling out the side. Yeah, that'll show her. Why don't you just like

enchant her to be ugly? Or, again... I love this prince just rolling through the forest. Sneaky knife. He's like, I'm gonna kiss that. Yeah, right?

But again, sneaky knife, right? Just cut her across the face. Yeah. You've got a gross scar now. You're exactly right. No, but she's surrounded by spooky dwarfs.

Prince being like, hmm, unconscious girl and seven spooky dwarfs. I'm going to kiss that. Worked out for me. Right onto those lips. Yeah, that is really weird when you give it a second of thought. When you give it the slightest iota of thought.

Him kissing her is the strangest. You would never assume to do that. Like, that is presumed so. Sleeping girl. Yeah, I guess it is. I'm going to kiss that. Like, that is presumed. Sleeping girl. Yeah, I guess it is. I'm going to kiss that. If you lived in a Disney world and you came across a sleeping princess in a glass coffin,

you'd be like, holy shit, I know what the score is. I'm a prince. I'm about to get a wife. Exactly. This is the prince lottery. I'm about to get me a forest wife. Sick! Same thing with, like, you know, being turned into a frog.

No, that backfires. In Princess and the Frog, the frog, well, he gets turned into a frog, and he's like, hey, you just have to kiss me, and she's like, fine. She kisses him. Both turn into frogs! Holy shit! That's some shit there. Yeah, let's... Fuck that. Are they doing a good thing? Did the prince

know that was gonna happen, or did he be like, no, no, no, we've got this worked out. You kiss me, I become a prince. He pretty much just assumes that because pretty much it's like he's aware that he's like, I know this universe. Ah, okay. So the second you think you've figured it out,

the moment you're like, nah, it's Disney universe, clearly, fuck you. How do they sort it out in the Princess and the Frog? I don't really remember. Is it a true love thing again? Now it's fuck you. How do they sort it out in The Princess and the Frog? I don't really remember. Oh, man. I can't remember either. Is it a true love thing again? No, they let the friends on the other side,

so like the devils and demons of the Disney universe, that Dr. Facilia, the bad guy of Princess and the Frog, knows. They let him take, they force him to take them to hell, and because he's died, they come back to being humans from memory. Something ridiculous happens. I remember that much. Yeah. Princess and the Frogs.

It's a great film. I love that movie. Yeah, it was good. Not a lot of people like it, but I got a fondness for it. No, I think it just came out at a weird time because it's like classic Disney princess style movie, but it came out like...

Oh, like mid-2000s? Yeah. Yeah. Might have even been like 2009 or something. It's fairly recent. But that's clearly a different school of magic to the ones from the classic Disney films. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because that's voodoo. Is the Emperor's New Groove

the same magic? No, it's a potion. Oh, the Emperor's New Groove. I mean, that's just another hassle, because there's just potions that can turn you into literally anything. Oh, that's right. So we're going to assume... At one point, yeah, they're just throwing potions at him and just into literally anything. Oh, that's right. So we're going to assume... At one point, yeah, he's just throwing potions at him, just turning him into a whole bunch of different stuff.

He just keeps drinking shit. Oh, yeah, that's right. I'm now this, I'm now that, I'm a whale at one point, and then I'm back to a llama. If you try and connect all the Disney universes, it's super hard to reconcile. Like the classic Disney, because you have this weird witchcraft happening in Europe,

voodoo happening in America, bloody brother bear nonsense. What about that? Atlantis is just super advanced technology. Yeah. Yeah, I don't think you can. Well, the llama potion just could be distilled witch bullshit into potion form. Like, it all kind of comes down to the same thing. It's turning one thing into another thing.

It's transmutation. It's the same school of magic in all... Transfiguration. In Harry Potter. Hey, trans-something. Trans. Trans magic. Trans magic.

No, but it's trans magic. Trans magic. Trans magic. Let's say transmutation. It's clearly all transmutation Yeah Every time somebody's changed into something That's what happens in a Disney movie

Something becomes another thing Or goes to sleep So those are the two things But they are, those are the two things So I guess how would I cope with being furniture I guess if I lived in a Disney universe Pretty well Because you'd kind of expect it.

You'd be like, oh, okay. I feel like if something bad... I'm now a hammer. Good. I just feel like if something... There's just no way I would live any longer than 12 years before something awful happens to me. I'm 100% going to get turned into something at some point in the first 12 years of my life.

You just try not to piss off anyone. Oh, I failed. But you will. Or you're part of the riot crew that go to kill the beast. Yeah. You're the mob. You're part of their life. You just try not to piss off anyone. Oh, I failed. But you will. Or you're part of, like, the riot crew that go to kill the beast. Yeah. You're the mob. Like, you're part of a mob, like an angry mob. But if Gaston was like, hey, some people got turned into stuff,

you know, it happens. I'd be like, hey, yeah, I'll come and burn it down or whatever. No, I'd be like, you're an asshole. Everyone hates you. I fucking hate you. You're just big. You're the worst. You're just big and intimidating. Yeah. So, come all right okay please don't hurt me where were beast's parents i i don't know

were they dead it's a disney movie or did they just like chuff off and then they're like oh my god beast son ah and they come back and you know. Beast, get the door, we're leaving. That's Yeah, I bet that's the scene before the beginning of Beauty and the Beast. We're going on a trip, get the door. Yeah, makes sense.

Being furniture, not that rough. You'd be ready for it. And I think you get through that, you're done. Nothing else happens to you. Oh shit, could you imagine being like, you're done. Nothing else happens to you. Yeah, I think everybody gets one, kind of. Could you imagine being like, all right, I've spent 10 years at Hammer. That curse is over.

Oh, thank Christ. I'm going to go live in North America. That sounds like a lovely time. Like a little bear cup, stupid bear hammer. I'm a bear. God damn it. Or even like the moment you're like, sick. I'm no longer a Hammer.

And then you take a step and like step on the tail of like a dog or a rabbit and it just turns and looks at you and you're like, ah. Come on, though. It just turns so slowly. Eyes piercing yours. I just stopped being a hammer. I don't want to be a rabbit.

I left a whole family in that village. Oh, my God, I will never get home. That rabbit banging his head when he walks. I love that in a Disney universe it would not be super strange to be like, I bet that rabbit used to be a hammer. He used to be a serpent.

I bet people would be like, yeah, I reckon you're right. As they notch an arrow. Reckon you're right. There we go. you gotta kill them yeah you got exactly otherwise they'll just keep becoming more things

oh man well on that note I've been Joel I've been Jackson I've also been Joel I've been James try to avoid witches

I guess is the best bet or like yeah if you can take anything from this just get it sorted out early in your life like as a kid

piss off a dog become a dog, sort it out, you're good how do you think you would cope as furniture? tweet in, at sanspence radio what would you be? what would you be? would you be a bidet? something good or a sweet girl

do you think you would be worse furniture than us? good, We also agree. If you think this show is worth at least a dollar, why not donate to our Patreon account? Follow the links on our website, sandspantsradio.com. Own each step with Peloton. From their pop runs to walk and talks, you define what it means to be a runner. Whatever your level, embrace it.

Journey starts when you say so. If you've got five minutes or 50, Peloton Tread has workouts you can work in. Or bring your classes with you for outdoor runs, and hikes led by expert instructors on the peloton app call yourself a runner peloton all access membership separate learn more at onepeloton.ca running