Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Deal With The Cat In The Hat? (Ft Cass)

Episode Date: June 7, 2020

Grab your tickets to our Live Plumbing Boys Play/Ruin D&D stream and VOD here!Sign up to our newsletter here. Join our facebook group here.You can now physically send us stuff to PO BOX 7127, Reservoir East, Victoria, 3073.Want to help support the show?Sanspants+ | Shop | TeesWant to get in contact with us?Email | Twitter | Website | Facebook | RedditOr individually at;Jackson | Duscher | ZammitTheme music by the wonderfully talented Benny Davis! You can find all his stuff at his website or check out his YouTube channel. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

SandsPants Radio, Australia's dumbest podcast network. and we will be live for Plumbing Boys Play Slash Ruin Dungeons and Dragons where we're gonna be mean to Adam but he's gonna be meaner to us on stage. Yeah and due to worldwide events that you may be aware of we can't perform live to an actual audience. A lot of our show involves coughing on people and just coughing and sneezing in general so obviously we can't do it live as you can imagine that makes sense. Yeah so we've teamed up with our good friends at Stupid Old Studios to do a live stream and video on demand live show. That's right.

So Adam, how often is this show happening? Yeah, tell me now. It's happening once a week. Hurry. Get to it! Quicker! It's happening once a week for four weeks, starting June 20th. At 12 p.m. Australian Eastern Standard Time.

If you can't make it live, that's okay. If you buy a ticket, you get access to a video on demand stream, and that link is live forever. Yeah. Or until humanity collapses and the internet isn't anymore. But that's forever for everyone.

You can buy a season pass. That's four episodes for the price of three. That's pretty good. And the fourth episode is going to be the best one. We guarantee. No guarantees. Anyway, head to SOSPresents.com to buy tickets. Or, you know, any of the Sandspence Radio social medias at Sandspence Radio.

Joel Zalman isn't here today, but he'll be there. He'll be there on the day. Yeah, yeah. He's busy. And seen. Better. If you're seeing this one, that means that the next take we did is even worse. Hey everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star,

where we ask the important questions like, how would you deal with the cat in the hat? Mercilessly. Cass goes violent. Yeah, straight off the bat. This is the one thing everyone's like Cass her image and everything she's always so sweet unless it comes to the cat in the hat and then she's like I will fucking

kill that fucking cat he is gonna taste the curb with his big cat teeth his big cat teeth is a bad sentence I'm gonna get a picture of the cat in the hat up so I know what we're dealing with I have the lyrics to the cat in the hat up so I know what we're dealing with. I have the lyrics to the cat in the hat as well, just so we know

what's going to eventuate. Yeah, the lyrics to the poem The Cat in the Hat. He looks nice. Annoyingly, I think he could He looks like he's got a kind soul. He'd be nice to me. He looks like he'd have a sweet voice. Certainly not Michael

Meyer's voice like they gave him. The way he's got his hands tucked over his belly, I think is... It is calming. Oh, yeah. The Mike Myers one is terrifying. Cass, are you suggesting that he's got his hands tucked over his belly like he had to do it to us? Is that the way he's standing? The cat in the hat had to do it to us.

He was the one who did it first of all yeah and he had to there was no other option we know he had to do it to them yeah he did though he had to teach those children a lesson i think there is a difference between the cat in the hat of the book and the cat in the hat of the film um a comparison i've seen is that the cat in the hat in the film acts like a literal- Devil? Like, trickster god or something? Yeah, sure.

Loki? Yeah, they compare him to a devil or a demon. Like, I've seen online discourse about the cat in the hat, which, again, would prefer not to have. I feel like, to me, the cat in the hat has big 1920s traveling hobo energy like i know this isn't how in the book yes it feels like he turns up at the kid's door and he's like i'll work for soup and a place to sleep i think it's something about the fact that he's wearing a tie and no pants or shirt and a hat and his weird filthy gloves and the movie one is constantly just like oh yeah and kind of wants to fuck the mom. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that energy comes across in the story as well. Is his tail a boner in the film? Please discuss. I think at some point it goes very stiff and one could make the illusion. Guaranteed. When he's sniffing the dress or something. Yeah.

Why can I imagine that scene? It's crazy to imagine a scene where Mike Myers' cat sniffs a dress, gets a tail stiffy, and then we move on and pretend that's okay. I think every scene in the film is a bad thing happens and us, the audience, have to move on and pretend that that's okay. Yeah, absolutely. Okay, so, but if we're dealing with a cat in the hat, that means the three of us, she means book cat in the hat. It's a rainy day. We're bored. Something goes bump and how that bump makes us jump.

And we look and we see him step on the mat. We look, we saw him, the cat in the hat. And he says, I know some good games we could play. I know some tricks, a lot of good tricks. I'll show them to you. Your mother will not mind if I do. Ominous. How does he know?

Is this meant to be like, I don't know what lesson it's meant to teach because if it's don't have fun that sucks well i'm trying to find out how it how it ends because i see i only recall the cat in the hat comes back the sequel the eponymous sequel to the cat in the hat in which the cat and the hat comes back and in this one he has a bath yeah he has a bath the cat in the hat in which the cat and the hat comes back and in this one he has a bath yeah he has a bath the cat in the hat in the kid's bath and he leaves a pink rim you know as you as you might do from various pink room from various oils and secretions on the skin and then we were thinking that the cat in the hat book wasn't horny like the film. In fact, I reckon Mike Myers signed on to play the Cat in the Hat because he was like, pink rim?

Shagadelic. So the Cat in the Hat comes in. He's like, let's play some games. Our fish says no. First step, knock over the fish bowl. That's scary. Yeah. We have a rude fish and I'm not here for it.

So wait, you're immediately killing your household pet. If your dog... So two things happen in quick succession. An anthropomorphic cat has come into your house and your fish has started talking. Did the fish start talk or have we always spoken to the fish? If so, why are they bored? If your fish can have conversations with you,

why are you sitting there being like, God, nothing to do. Cass, have you ever spoken to a fish before? Actually, yeah, that fish sucks. The fish is like, what if we sat in the chair? Yeah, exactly. Oh, I wish I had more room. This tiny bowl is too small and I have no pebbles or leaves.

There's no filtration system. I'm probably choking to death in my own feces and fish piss. Shut up, you know, am I right? Yeah. You ought to look out not to be alive. I miss when you just blew bubbles and shut the fuck up. Okay, so we hate the fish. So I guess if our fish is like, don't play with the cat in the hat,

we're going to be like, like I'd listen to you, fish. Yeah, I wouldn't knock over the bowl. I think I would just let the fish do its thing, but I would ignore it. Because if the fish has been talking this whole time, I've been ignoring it this whole time. After the first week of being like, oh my God, my fish talks. Also, like a cat has come in. Of of course the fish is going to feel threatened cat eat fish yeah it's science it's the food chain okay so i've got the first game the first game the cat in the hat plays

with us okay i'm gonna give you the name of the game and you tell me if this is a game you think we'd respond well to the game is i going to interrupt you there and say yes. I'm going to interrupt again and say I doubt it's a game. Let's continue. You're both right on the money because the game is called Up, Up, Up with a Fish, and it just involves the cat in the hat holding the fish above his head. Oh, bullying, you say? That's not really a game.

That's within our wheelhouse. That's something we do to our friends. Sign me up. the game was called Up Up Up Joel Zammett and it involves me holding Joel Zammett above my head I'd be like I'm doing it already I think something very funny and providing everyone

that's good I think something that is quite funny and providing everyone is comfortable with it is picking someone up and putting them somewhere else or picking someone up and just holding them and they can't do anything. As long as everyone's chill and it's not literal assault. I think that's like the height of comedy. So the fish doesn't like it. Unfortunately, the fish isn't, you know, put me down.

This is no fun at all. Put me down. I do not wish to fall, says the fish. But it's a fish. There's no rights. It does. It's a fish. I don't care.

The fish can't. You're like, no, a cat's come in. The cat gets to pick. I listen to cat now. Yeah, the cat is my new god guys same way as if a dog then came in you'd be like shut the fuck up cat in the hat

there's new dog in town dog in pants by Jackson shut up alive cat in the hat with pigs on who's this new dog that's clearly sick this is my new god that's clearly sick? This is my new dog. It's coughing.

It just sits by the fire. Twist, though. Okay. We listen to cat over fish. Sure. But we also listen to cat over our parents. That's a good point. Parents aren't there, though.

I am a child. I don't have object permanence. As far as we know, mum is dead. Okay? Mum is dead and the cat in the hat's our new dad that's as far as we know the cat is our god and we have brains of dogs yeah absolutely mother has died the only reason we care about the dress is i don't know we we fear repercussions because we are dogs i suppose somehow we know that eventually maybe mum will return. But that's-

We don't have hope. We believe in punishment. We fear being told we are bad dog. But that's, I mean, like, that's a cat in a hat comes back. In this one, up, up, up with a fish. So the cat in the hat, I'll just walk you through what he does. We'll see if we're impressed. he says look at me look at me now with a cup and a cake on top of my hat i can hold up two books i can hold up the fish and a little toy ship and some milk in a dish and look i can

hop up and down on a ball and that's not all no that's not all i'm impressed it's not a game it's balancing he's come in and said um can you do this i am very talented he's coming to brag the cat in the hat i believe has a terrible life he does not have fulfillment or friends maybe maybe from the realm he comes from of devil cats he is lower rung and he's like i'm escaping to where humans are so that i can feel talented and then he gets there and they do not appreciate him at any way so he tries to overcompensate and that's why he gets sad this narrative is like a lesser prince of hell comes in to balance for the gang counterpoint cass uh so balancing isn't a game. It's just a thing.

Sports are games, so trapeze not a sport? No, I don't think trapeze is a sport. Is that not part of acrobatics, which is in the Olympics? Yeah, but not trapeze. If you're thinking of the Olympics, trapeze isn't in the Olympics. But aerobics is. I love when I say Olympic trapeze isn't in the olympics but aerobics is and it's not trapeze that's my favorite also i keep saying aerobics but i mean gymnastics aerobics aerobics not in the olympics aerobics on tv at 6 a.m before she's tv i'm also pretty sure i mean what annoys me most about the cat in the hat here

so imagine it's sure the cat in the Hat here. So imagine, sure, the Cat in the Hat's game is balancing, and that sucks. I was hoping we'd still be talking about the Olympics, but that's fine. Okay. I don't know what more there is to say. Make trapeze at the Olympics because it's the same as gymnastics. Surely

trapeze is more impressive than horse dog. What's it called? Horse dog. It's not called horse dog. Horse dog what's it called horse dog it's not called horse dog what's the horse what's the horse thing dress up no not with a horse the gymnastics thing that involves the wooden thing that's pommel horse pommel horse pomeranian dog dog horse it makes i could see how you got there i could see how you got there but no trapeze is not a sport so it's not a game so balancing is not impressive also the cat in the hat hasn't he's like imagine you're hanging out with a friend and the friend is like hey do you want to play a

game and you're like great and then they go and play basketball but you don't watching the cat the cat in the hat's playing the game we aren't yeah i don't i don't think like for all the talent and skill that is required of acrobatics or aerobics as i kept saying and like yeah there it isn't it doesn't fall into the same category as sport but it deserves respect and possibly an olympic category but it's not a game no it's not a sport does not a game make and it's also not a trick i mean it's i guess it's impressive but if you read on skateboarding is also just balancing but moving and balancing and they do things called tricks so uh yeah balancing is a trick skateboarding i think was in the olympics in the x games i guess yeah it's

probably in the x games so would you everything should be in the Olympics. It was in the X Games I guess. Yeah, it's probably in the X Games. Everything should be in the Olympics. Just make the Olympics longer. Yeah. Would you be impressed if the cat in the hat had come in and skateboarded? If he was like, how about a trick and did an ollie? No, if he's doing an ollie, I'm not impressed. If he came in and said

let's, like, I'm gonna do a trick and then did skateboarding moves, yes. But he's coming, it's like if he came in, he's like, I want to play a game. And you're like, okay. And he starts doing backflips. What's the game? The game is watching me. Shut up.

If I said, hey, I want to play a game and I did backflips, would you not be impressed? Well, it's not a game. I'd be impressed. But in the back of my mind, I'd be like, when's the right time to bring up that I'm not playing anything? Yeah, absolutely. You've offered me a game.

It's like if someone's like, hey, do you want pasta? And you're like, yes, I really want pasta. And then they give you pizza and you're like, this is the best pizza I've ever had, however. It's not even, it's like someone's like, do you want pasta? And you're like, yes. And they make themselves pasta. You're like, oh, Jackson, is it still a game?

So chess, that's a game. We can agree on that. Okay. Or checkers or any board game where Monopoly game. Those are games. Or Ms. Monopoly. Or Ms. Monopoly. Hashtag girl boss.

Oh, my God. Just all the tweets around that with, like, because they shared photos of her, like, she's Mr. Monopoly's niece and she's, like, a self-made millionaire. They're like, she is the niece of a millionaire. She's not self-made. Stop. I'm sure she did great things with just a small loan of a million dollars.

She's part of the problem. She's still a landlord. Except in Ms. Monopoly, you're living on the invention of Spanx and Wi-Fi, not houses. Oh, really? Yeah, you don't buy houses. You buy concepts of things being invented by women. Yeah, all the stuff you buy. Do you invest? Yeah. Surely you've still put houses and hotels on it. Yeah, all the stuff you buy. Do you invest?

Yeah. Surely you've still put houses and hotels on it. Yeah, you do. But my point still is, is it still a game when it's not your turn? Yeah, but I'm still playing because it will be my turn. Your turn's coming, though.

Yeah, well, your turn might be coming. It might be your turn to hold the fish. That's what I'm saying. Well, as we can see as the narrative continues everything the cat in the hat balances including the fish fall on his dumb head and the fish falls in a in a pot somewhere and complains and then the cat in the hat runs away and he gets a big box that's the next step in the cat in the hat narrative. If the balance went successfully, though, do you reckon we were meant to beat him? Like, as in, like, balance more stuff than he did?

No, no. I have no faith in this ridiculous cat's narcissism. Well, yes. Sorry, I have no... I have full faith in this ridiculous cat's narcissism. He's a lesser prince of hell, come to feel better about himself, and he's shitting the bed.

Cass draws the line earlier than I do where I'm like, I'm still going to give this cat a chance. Maybe it was my go. This is a game. I have become slightly convinced he's robbing us somehow as he keeps us distracted.

I don't think that's the point of the game. And we looked in the back and how about that? The cat in the hat had robbed us blind. Oh my God, Sally, call the police. Who was that man? Money, coins, all gone, oh my. I reckon like me with all my sentient sapience

and having read the book, me now I'm like, this is a lesser prince of hell. If a cat in the hat came into my house after I said I was bored, I, you know what? No, I still, I would believe it was some sort of divine punishment on me. Okay. That in some strange way you summoned the cat in the hat. Yeah, for sure.

Maybe the narcissist wasn't the cat, but in fact was the Cass. Oh, no. The Cass in the house. The Jack in the hack. The Joel in the hole. Yeah. It's nice in here. It's deep, but no one talks to me. I i'm in tron and cas is in a house avocado i guess

yes i am the gentle seed caressed by smooth it's good to imagine soft ducha poking his head out of a hole cas sitting comfortably in a house to avocado and me just screaming fighting off tron guys oh my god i got the worst one i'm in a hack what does that mean so it's tron with no rules because someone's hacking help so so so he runs out as fast as a fox and he comes back with a box it's a big red box fast as a what a fox fox and he shut it's shut box. It's a big red box. Fast as a what? A fox. Fox. And it's shut with a hook, the box, and he says, look at this trick. Take a look. So it's a new game called Fun in a Box.

I'm going to stop you there. No, he says trick. He called it a trick, then he calls it a game. Oh, my God. This dude sucks. Yeah, I call this game Fun in a Box. In this box are two things. I will show to you now.

You will like these two things, he says with a bow i disagree i know what thing one and thing two are about i hate them yeah two things and i call them thing one and thing two these things will not bite you the moment someone says something won't bite you my assumption is it will bite me because you have to clarify just to be like oh it won't bite you i'm like so like, oh, it won't bite you. I'm like, so what will it do? It won't bite you means it has the ability to bite you. Yeah, or it looks in some way like it's going to bite you. And I also, like, looking up a picture of Thing 1 and Thing 2 right now, I hate them with a passion.

I loathe them. They look like skunks. Yeah. I don't know how the book illustrates them. My memory is that they're in onesies that only open at the neck, which means they've never come off. Are they onesies? What I'm noticing about them is that their torso is incredibly long

and like a sausage, and that's real bad. Where are their knees? I was imagining them in striped things, so they don't look like skunks. I sound like a madman. No, they still look like skunks or like skunk. They're weasel boys for sure. I hate them.

It looks like their ribs are popping out because of the way they're standing. Yeah, absolutely. The creases around their chests, I hate. Yeah, the thing one and thing two don't look like things that have been stuck to the front of their jumpsuits. They look like protruding bits of their skin, you know? Or like that's their ribs in some way. Anyway, I hate them.

I've just found, I'm trying to find an image so I could join in on gazing upon them. First of all, their hair reminds me of trees. But I found a website called squirrel thoughts where someone's annotated the scene of them emerging from the box with arrows to the box saying no air holes how did they breathe oh no hey that's bad want to hear something fucked about thing one and thing two and proof that i won't like them it's canon that they helped the fucking grinch what what what when say more what are you basing this on a postcard i saw

it's about plumbing the death star started plumbing postcards run out of traditional media time to get on look oh my god they stole a fucking christ tree. But also the description says, Oh no, Thing 1 and Thing 2 are up to their old tricks, have teamed up with the Grinch to sabotage our Christmas cheer in this design of the postcard I'm looking at. Which is Thing 1 and Thing 2 running away with a Christmas tree. Look, mischievous. Troublesome.

Troubled as well. Does this go back and... Yes. Oh, I hate this so much so does this imply that the grinch tries again to steal christmas like his heart grew three sizes and then he was like no fuck christmas i don't know how to be without my misery he's going back to isolation his heart grew three sizes but it was temporary like a week later he's like oh it's shrinking I don't know how to be without my misery. I'm going back to isolation. His heart grew three sizes, but it was temporary. Like a week later, he's like, oh, it's shrinking.

Oh, fuck the Hoos. I'm going. I'm still a monster. And now a quick word from our sponsors. Also, hey, plumbing is sweet as a summer breeze and all, but did you know that we produce at least eight other podcasts? Maybe you wish we'd stopped talking about superheroes and Star Wars and dog dicks and instead sort out which kind of frog is the superior frog or what would be the best kind of metal to be crushed under if this sounds like you then why

not head to sanspantsradio.com and search for shut up a second a nonsense podcast that's far better than it has any right to be his heart grew three sizes but then his body caught up and it was all relative again and he had to go into hiding he was freakish he just got bigger he had a growth spurt that's all that was happening it was just an inconsistent growth spurt well it's possible for people to learn their lesson and then unlearn them immediately and that's something that we should respect if during christmas someone was like oh the grinch i still people never change yeah absolutely i probably still wouldn't be comfortable with the grinch living in whoville if i lived in whoville even though he sang a song he did steal our presents so i don't know maybe that makes me a bit maybe that's not politically correct but i don't want the grinch sorry sure maybe the message of christmas isn't just presents but that's my favorite fucking bit

i love the presents i bought a nice present for my wife and then the grinch nicked it and then because he brings them all back and we had a big sing for some reason i don't know put it back in the mountain i don't know my wife doesn't trust that this is the present I actually bought her and thinks that maybe the Grinch mistaken it for another nicer present. Long story short, my wife wants a divorce for lying. I wasn't lying. The Grinch has ruined my marriage. I think the Grinch is sleeping with my wife.

I'll say it. I've said it. Just everyone, you, the one who in the center of the town, all the other who's in a circle around being like Jackson, I think there were more problems I think maybe this was a catalyst but I don't think it was the root Jackson, I suspect you're

projecting onto the Grinch No, no Then the Grinch emerges from the crowd, his arm around your wife being like, Jackson buddy, we're just friends Do you not see? Then I go up into the mountain and it's the Jackson that stole his wife back or whatever.

Thing one and thing two help you carry your wife away. Much like this famous postcard design that I cannot find the source of except zazzle.com. Your wife being like carried up the mountain, you get there, the thing one and thing two put her down, she's like, no, and just walks back home. Jackson, I don't love you anymore. I love the Grinch.

Fuck. I'm going to get off this snowflake. I've always suspected it, but honey, it really hurts when you say to hear you say that why do you have to pick the Grinch he's like a green yeti why do you have to pick

the one man I hate the most the Grinch imagine what that's doing for my self esteem darling please think of me the one with a lot of issues who i refuse to get looked at please think of me the man who kidnapped you up a mountain how about i get a bit of sympathy why i mean the grinch got sympathy when he stopped being a piece of shit why can't I get sympathy when I do a bad thing and immediately sing a song

Jackson you didn't even kidnap me yourself yeah I got these little guys you got these slave children from a cat and you made them do it I made a deal with the lesser prince of hell I'm taking them actually I just wish you had fallen in love with Freddy who you who from down the street instead of the Grinch I just wish you had fallen in love with Freddy Who You Who

from down the street instead of the Grinch. Yeah, he's like an ape and a, you know, yeti at the same time. And I know. See, this is why we've had a lot of issues. You're just so close-minded. It's good to imagine a Who. We live on a snowflake.

I don't... Why did you fall in love with a man who was stealing Christmas? Did this start when he was a bad person? What was the appeal? Because you stole my heart. When did you meet? Why does that? It's good to imagine a Who in Whoville pulling out a big Zeusian telescope

and looking at me up on the hill and being like, oh, he's hashing it out. That's good. All the Whos gathered around and he's like okay so they're talking they're figuring it out i think they're gonna come to some kind of accord oh she looks mad no no no oh my gosh he's taking the twins he's crying he's crying yeah so so okay cat in the hat the thing one and thing two

okay don't trust them they pop out of the box and the cat in the hat says hey how do you do would you like to shake hands with thing one and thing two absolutely not

Sally Sally and the the protagonist of the of the cat in the hat soliloquy they they do not they don't shake hands with thing one and thing two.

And in fact, the fish once again gets a word in. The fish says, no, no, those things should not be in this house. Make them go. They should not be here. When your mother's out, put them out, put them out, says the fish from the pot. The cat and the hat's like, these are good things, and he gives them a little pat.

They're tame. They're tame. Oh, my gosh. See, when they're time oh my gosh see when when they asked to shake my hand i would be quite disturbed i probably would out of like shocked politeness but like as i said absolutely they're they're little outfits which might be their skin happen from the neck down so i would just be looking at it being like this is unclean so the thing one i think to then get Mum's new gown, the one with polka dots,

and they turn it into a kite, which is impressive, and they just start knocking shit all over. Is the impressiveness noted in the book, or is that just your reading of it? That's just my reading. Are the children impressed? It's also important to note that Thing 1 and Thing 2... Well, Thing 1 likes being called Thing 1,

but Thing 2 prefers to be called Thing A, Super Thing, Thing Kid, Kig, Dynamite, Chocolate Thunder, or Ben. Yeah, that's bad. I slurred most of those words. Thing 1 says he's Thing 1 for a reason. It's a Thing thing you wouldn't understand. What are things?

Great question. thing you wouldn't understand what are things great question what are things that there can be a thing thing i don't understand so that i mean i know that we find out that there's more things underneath their hat yeah oh wait no that's the cat in the hat comes back and they're not more things they're smaller cats in the hat are they things is the cat in the hat a thing is it the same breed it's less a prince of hell and these are like imps or you know smaller demons but it's a thing thing yeah well it's a thing that's only relevant to things and not being things we can't comprehend it that's yeah that's only relevant to things, and not being things, we can't comprehend it. Yeah, that's not for us to say. I think we have to leave that one. By finding that quote, it's also important to note

that when the cat rocks up, that's when the fish starts talking. We've never spoken to this fish before. Okay, then, to reiterate, I'm killing the fish. No, sorry, you have an anthropomorphic talking cat come in and the cat's like hello this this thing is clearly not of this realm yeah and then the fish chimes in yeah and you're like the fish is the problem well the fish shocks me the cat in the hat comes in and he's like i'm the cat in the hat what do you think about that and i'm like which isn't shocking at all you're just being tricked by confidence again yeah and i'm

like holy shit there's this talking cat in the hat and then the fish is like this is bad and i'm like and i just push the tank over and it smashes and the fish flops on the floor and then i throw it in the bin or whatever while you guys deal with thing one and thing two i'm flushing the fish jackson isn't just impressed by confidence here the fish actively tries to stop him from being a silly boy yeah and that's jackson's kryptonite absolutely because the fish's first line is stop this right now yeah and then jackson's like cat in the hat are you kidding me just the idea the idea the fish has been like in its bowl observing all the all the workings. And I'm sure these children have acted out before,

because they're kids, and just seen things and been like, yep, most things are fine. He's probably seen things like parents fighting. He's probably watched the news. And there's been a lot of things going on. And it isn't until the cat comes in and he's like, okay, I've got to say something. Yeah, look, there was nothing worth commenting on before,

but it's time for me to put my fish opinion on the table. The actual quote from the fish sounds like it's talking to Jackson anyway. It says, stop this right now. Then one of the children, let's just say Jackson, replies, who said that? And the fish says, me. Remember the fish? Came home in a baggie.

You loved me for two weeks. Then nothing. I like that you have clearly the script for the cat in the hat movie and i have the cat in the hat poem that's good that's such a more aggressive exchange in the film the fish is bitter as fuck well yeah and then the cat mocks the fish by saying like well sally cass says the fish is talking and the cat says, well, sure, he can talk. But is he saying anything? No, not really. Oh, that's propaganda.

A chip fish. That's good. This cat's all right. Jackson loves the cat. Yeah, I'm a big fan of this cat and his hat. So, thing one and thing two, they fly kites, they knock shit over, we're cut, clearly, at this point. We catch them in a net, according to the original poem. The cat knows what hepatitis is in the film.

Okay, let's explore that. That leans into Cass's hell theory. Yeah, I think in the film, and again, it's not my hell theory. Yeah. I never... That's canon. I'm not claiming that. Prince of hell coming up, filling the children's head with a lot of things.

Sorry, what context does the cat know about hepatitis? Sally says that Cass says that this is just like being in the circus. And the cat says, yeah, but without the tortured animals or drunken clowns that have hepatitis. Why does he think the clowns have hepatitis? I think that's just a rude slur, basically, but he knows what hepatitis is. He's throwing shade at clowns for some reason. That's just like an extra addition clowns don't need, you know? Do you think that the cat sees the clowns as competition?

Because if a clown rocked up to your house, these are all things that, like, the cat does what you would expect a clown to do. A sad clown. No, the clown doesn't seek to destroy yeah only to entertain well yeah the clown seeks to build and the building is community and laughter or emotion it depends what kind of a clown but you definitely want to have a shared experience maybe you want to make someone uncomfortable and make them confront some things but it's it finishes you know yeah this whole thing is just like so it sounds like the fish is like hello children i am a consequence you have never faced because it never affected you directly i am going to narrate the consequences of your

choices the fish is like our germany cricket style conscience in this situation would you like to know how it ends how How it all comes to a close? Yes. Big mess. Okay, big mess in the house. Cat in the hat, we're like, mom's coming home soon, apparently. The fish is bringing this up, I guess.

Then the cat in the hat's like, well, I'll clean it up. And the cat in the hat, in the same way that the cat balanced earlier, balances everything that he threw around and got messy with and then presumably disappears and then the last line of the whole poem is when our mother came in or last couple lines and she said to us too did you have any fun tell me what did you do and sally and i

did not know what to say should we tell her the things that went on here that day should we tell her about it now what should we do well what would you do if your mother asked you so i know early on dress what we were like what's the moral of the cat in the hat story and i still don't know it's kind of like lie to your parents because it's clearly being like obviously you can't tell your fucking mom and dad you're fucking idiot so you gotta lie sometimes and that's my message too lying's fine yeah as long as it's a good reason you're gonna sound you're protecting a prince of hell it's yeah well or your own feelings because like if you like a cat in the hat came your parents are like what is wrong with you yeah my child then you get told off don't get a yell needs to go away. Then you get told off. Yeah. Don't tell lies about cats.

Get a yell that sucks, Cass. Lie if you're going to get told off. But the context of this book is that parents read it with their kids. Yeah, absolutely. Chuck a lie out. You got to lie. If it's going to hurt someone's feelings, just lie. I'm happy to say that.

If you've done something that's going to hurt someone's feelings lie instead so your reading of the book is that the book finishes and the parent is reading it and saying well what would you do if it happened to you and the kid has a bit of like that first time that you realise something that you're capable of doing and you're like oh okay so if I

if I didn't tell my parents in this instance I wouldn't have to face any of those consequences they were so worried about. And therefore, everything would be fine. Oh, wait, the house is trashed. No, it's not. No, not in the park. That's how we fixed it.

The cat cleaned it all up. So, they're like, okay, so if I don't say anything, then none the wiser, everyone's fine. But my mother literally just asked me, and I know to save her feelings, I would say, yes, mother, I would tell you about the prince devil intruder. Well, see, Cass, this is actually the trick that Dr. Seuss has laid for us, because the correct answer is actually the first lie you tell your mum. Because you say, of course, mother, I would tell you,

but in your little child brain, you're like, I would never tell you about my cat in a hat devil friend that's what i'm saying you hear the ending and you're like well i understand that this book has shown me consequences projected consequences and actual consequences and if i say anything then the projected consequences that are now being raised come to light which means that i could get away scot-free, as it were. And then your mother is asking you, and you are like, well, I know that in order to be safe in the future from projected consequences, I pretend that there would never be simply projected consequences. She would be informed of all my comings and goings.

Yes. It's important to know that Plumbing the Death Star, from this point onwards, endorses lying to your mom, because if she thinks that you're crazy because you saw a cat in a hat, it's better to just lie. It protects her feelings, protects your feelings. She doesn't know you've been visited by the devil. What if you need help? Well, hey, if you

think you've been visited by the devil, sharing it might be beneficial for your life. Just cop it. Tell no one. Take it to your life. Just cop it. Tell no one. Take it to the grave. Suffer alone. Yes. I love, though, that in the Cat in the Hat narrative,

there are no consequences. Crazy shit. The message seems to be crazy shit can happen and you'll be fine. So, like, I think the question is how would we deal with the Cat in the Hat? It doesn't matter. Like, whatever. At the end of the day, things go back to normal to normal anyway i would be like that was a crazy afternoon so cass and i deal with this flawlessly i learned the wrong lesson cass learns the right lesson but jackson you've

killed your fish yeah yeah yeah you've committed a real crime mom comes home and she's like how was your day and you're like fine but jackson killed the fish. I'm like, it talked. It told me not to be mischievous. Then I'm sent away. I guarantee. Yeah. They're like, Cass, is this true? And I'm like, no.

Oh, what? Oh, I taught you to lie and you used it immediately against me. I get sent away too. I've not learned that lesson. No. Yes, it did. And then I killed it. Look, mum, I'll do a recreation.

Jackson, don't cause mischief. Smack, smack, smack, smack. The proper outcome of the cat in that hat, i.e. how it was written, is sitcom rules. Everything falls to shit and then nothing has changed like by the end of the book i'm sure the fish never speaks again yeah well i mean i killed it so well yeah at the end of your book they have to change the set permanently you live in some cooked sitcom world where they've like introduced a child and they have to age up the actors or something absolutely

I'm living in friends if I killed Ross's son that's what I'm living the depressed Susan timeline is that her name or is that the name of George's wife that dies from licking stamps the name of George Costanza's wife

that dies from licking stamps yeah and then George later on licks stamps he slips on a stamp and he breaks his coccyx and his friends Jerry, George and Elaine and Kramer, they don't care and on that note I've been Jackson Bailey

I've been Joel Dusha I've been Gaz it's okay to lie to your mum be careful of envelopes I guess is the message of Seinfeld. Remember, there are no consequences to anything. Seinfeld may be called Seinfeld, but it's actually about friends too. Hmm. Whoa.

Thanks for listening. If you want to help support this show and all the other shows we do here at SantsPantsRadio, then why not subscribe to SantsPantsPlus.com. For as little as $5 a month, you can have access to a whole bunch of bonus shows and content. Once again, that's SantsPantsPlus.com.