Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Deal With the Shark Problem in Jaws Better Than How They Deal With the Shark Problem in Jaws?

Episode Date: April 30, 2023

The boys need some quick cash so hastily wrote “and also Sharks too” on their “will kill the following for $5” sign and as luck would have it the mayor of Amity Island was walking by with a huge Jaws problem! The only catch? They can’t shut down the beach and they’ve only got two days. Zammit’s plans quickly get away from him as dolphins start getting dressed up as sexy ladies, JD wants to fasten the effects of global warming and Jackson wants to go fishing with him as the worm. It’s Jaws v the boys as they cobble together harebrained scheme after harebrained scheme to get rid of this great white once and for all and earn that $5 (each tho, don’t you dare skimp on that extra tenner Mr. Mayor, we will cause a scene).Buy our terrible merch here and check out the Bad Brain Boys on Apple Podcasts at apple.co/badbrainboys. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ahem. You're listening to the Sandspans Network. Hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star. I'm Joel. I'm Jackson. And I'm also Joel. And today we're asking the important questions like, how would you deal with the shark problem in Jaws better than how they deal with the shark problem in Jaws? so look in the original jaws yeah big great white shark uh big they kill it by letting it eat their

friend that's right they let it happen. And then they put his scoop. They're like, yeah, nah, Quinn, good. No, no, no, let him eat it or whatever. Quinn, it's like Quinn's paste food. Yeah, all right, all right. Go eat the shark. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They put his scuba tank in the shark's mouth and shoot the shark,

shoot the scuba tank so it explodes, blowing the shark's head clean. Yeah, nicely done, nicely done. The only other Jaws death I can remember is in Jaws 2 where they make the shark bite the power lines or whatever and it gets electrocuted. Electrocuted shark. But we're not dealing with that shark because those sharks have grudges.

Oh, yeah. Because I think it's Jaws, the revenge, where it's the sun. It's what's revenge. And it chases them down the coast, yeah. So we're not dealing with revenge-seeking sharks. We're dealing with Amity Island. This is the first shark attack.

A lady has gone for a bit of a skinny dip, got it hit, and then we're like, huh, what's happened here? Someone, a genius, let me say, says, oh, it's a motorboat accident, despite the fact she's torn in half. Yeah, right, right, right, right. People have come in and been like, huh, I think that's a shark attack. No. I don't think so.

And then they're like, well, if it's a shark attack, we're going to hire three experts. Plumbing the Death Star. Sharks killed. That's our little boys killed, $5. Economy's fixed, sharks killed. $5. Yeah, all of it's $5. Yeah, $15 between us, $15.

That's rich. Now, my first instinct would be to be like, hey, I understand it's July 4th weekend. Yeah, it's Independence Day weekend. Also, and this is a very important rule, the mayor refuses to shut the beach. You can go fuck yourself. Everyone could die.

That's fine as long as the beaches stay open. That was my issue. We'd be like, hey, clearly it's got a hunger for man flesh. So what if we just shut down the beach for a bit? Wrong. Can't happen. So he's like, oh, there's no food here. And he goes down, like the shark fucks somewhere, and he goes and eats a seal.

But obviously, I'm like, what if we just shut down that? And I get yelled at. If no one's at the beach. Never mind. OK. I reckon if you ask to shut the beach down, the man might hit you. He might reach across the desk and just smack you upside the head. Are you an idiot?

OK. OK. OK. What? I'm trying to save lives. Did you hear me? Are you an idiot? Answer the question

Rocks for brains Okay, so my Option one Sure Can't shut down the beach No That's fine Okay, so what we want to do

And I understand That maybe we have A bit of a bloodthirsty Mare And we also have a sign Which says Sharks killed That's on us

I would maybe make A little amendment To be like All got rid of Oh, okay For five dollars Because I don't want To necessarily kill said shark That's fair But what if we just that's on us, I would maybe make a little amendment to be like, all got rid of for $5. Because I don't want to necessarily kill said shark, but what if we just had a bit of a deterrent? Okay, what are you imagining?

So what often kills sea life in sea? Oil spills. Okay. That's not where I was going. Radiation poisoning. No. The six ring can thing, so they strangle the dolphins or whatever. Sometimes lightning strikes animals at sea.

Less closer. I think water spouts. A lot. TNT works underwater. Sometimes people hit sharks with their boat accidentally. We were so close, then we went to Zeus throwing a thunderbolt. No. It happens.

So, nets. So when you have a net, usually you're like, I want to net up some tuna. And you're like, oh no, we've got dolphins. Yeah, that's true. So. What if we catch the dolphins on purpose? And then use them as bait for the big shark. Dress the dolphins up like sexy naked ladies,

which the start of Jaws clearly establishes they love to eat. By they, I mean that one shark. At a distance, a dolphin might look like a sexy lady. Yeah, or at least a mermaid. Do you reckon that's what pirates were seeing? That's right, pirates. They were fucking mermaids? Fucking dolphins? No, they were dugongs. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah, it's right, pirates. They were fucking mermaids. Fucking dolphins.

They were dugongs. That's awesome. It is awesome, dude. And I'd be out there fucking a dugong being like, yeah, looks like a mermaid to me. But I know what I'm doing. I'm a freak. Oh, look, a new mermaid. It's not a fish

that's sucking me off. It's a different mermaid. It's a mermaid that's got legs of a fish and a body of a seal. What? It's sucking me off, this mermaid. I don't know. It feels awesome, though. I think we leave him on the rocks.

What do you think? Whatever, that's where the seals are. Poops, they love to fuck. Yeah, yeah. Silfs. Give me that sussy. By the way, can I fuck them? But they also are a good source of protein.

Yeah, eat them and fuck them and eventually die. Die with a smile on my face. I'm Jackson Bailey's seal fucker. I'm the greatest pirate the world's ever known. They'll sing of my exploits in taverns up and down the coast oh they will there once was a fucked up man we left him to die the end they didn't even talk about my seal fucking exploits in the shanty seeing you about to like jump on it's like a lady seal this giant bull like seal in. You start slamming

the shit out of you. A walrus just impales me in the back with its tusks. Don't worry, walrus, I'll fuck you too. You're all boom age to me. No need to get jealous, walrus. I've died stranded by beautiful women.

The pirate ship has not even left. That happened within five minutes of us dropping him off. I'm going to shoot him with a cannonball and pretend we didn't see anything. Yeah, smart. Yeah, smart. Good idea. It's actually Jackson the Looted Fool got caught by a cannonball. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sad. The only casualty of this battle. Against the seals. Man, there's another ship or something, I'm pretty sure. So we dress the dolphins up like ladies. Naked, sexy ladies.

Black at the start of jaws. And then we put palms in their blowholes. It's sad, but we already caught the dolphins, so it was already sad. So it's okay to put a bomb in it. We're not letting it go. It's already gone.

And then it's in the sea. It needs to be remote bombs. And then when the shark comes up. We just blow it up. We just blow it up. We know the shark is weak to explosions because we have seen the movie Jaws. We say, don't worry, man, we've seen the movie Jaws. We know what's about to go down.

They didn't do this in Jaws. We just shit to our dolphins dressed up like sexy ladies. Nobody had the drawer of human tits on a dolphin. Well, they should have. Getting mannequin legs and arms. And just like hot gluing them onto the dolphins as they try dolphins flipping around

with plastic hands clapping oh my god I know a dolphin can't scream but maybe it will I know it's yes

I mean do not be alarmed this is not an actual naked sexy lady yeah this is a dolphin we caught

with a net designed to catch a tuna and we have put a bomb in it. Don't you worry. Don't worry. But it is remote.

Don't worry. We'll be watching. I was going to say. Oh, instead of that, just netting around the beach. Oh, yeah. Netting into the water, way down. So it's like we have anchor points. And so a big netting thing all around, especially

where it's deep. So, because again, I would maybe even say, what if we just stay to the shallows, which I'm guessing would give me a second slap to the face from the mayor. So I'm like, hey, what if we just have a nice, big netting all the way around

across the town, you know, big youth. How are you installing the netting? Ah, fuck. Are you putting a person in the ocean? I will dress them up like a seal. You see somebody and they've got the net, but it's all bunched up and they start wading out. And then you see them dip underwater and the net get pulled out to sea. Ah, yeah.

I forgot there's a big shark in there. I was hoping we would do this at like Scuba Gear. So he wouldn't be dressed like a sexy lady. But even if it's in Scuba Gear, he's getting it. He looks like a seal in Scuba Gear. They do do this though, don't they?

Aren't there nets in some beaches to stop sharks coming? Oh, in real life you mean? Yeah, of course. I think also the mayor won't love this because I'm pretty sure it does cut off waves and stuff, so therefore makes the wheel... Not that much. But then also you're going to have to install

because the beaches in real life you're talking about, they kind of force almost like a cove, I guess. Yeah, what about we get... But that also requires installing shit. And you've only got the weekend. Okay, what if... If you fuck this weekend up, my God. I know a guy at a quarry.

Okay. I know a guy at a quarry. We get like a lot of rocks. Fill the beach with rocks. And what if we did like a bit of a fence? Okay. Like a rock fence. How are you doing it?

By going to the quarry. Yeah. Being like, we need your big rocks. Getting rocks, yeah. And flying them out. So we've got to hook them up using, like, maybe a helicopter. Okay, so I imagine, like. Is July 4th, is that usually fire season for America?

I think it's warm, yeah. It is in the middle of summer, yeah. So, okay, we divert some of those, like, is it Elvis, the one that dumps water? Oh, yeah, sure, sure, sure. So we divert some of them, convert them into, like, being one that dumps water? Oh, yeah, sure, sure, sure. So we divert some of them, convert them into being able to like- What's more dangerous, forest fire or shark? Yeah, you tell me. This shark is killed-

Statistically speaking, this shark. Yeah, this shark has killed one lady currently, I think. Maybe two. And maybe a little boy. So aren't even forest fires at the moment. There's no reporting on forest fires in Jaws, so we can assume none are happening. So we just divert some of that fleet to grab some rocks.

Great. And then we build a fence and we make Jaws pay for it. Bad luck, shark. Here's the bill. See you in court. It's funny to me that you took... you also imagine you like get a quarry Get trucks to bring them to the beach

Put them on a boat drop them out there Xamarin went full helicopter and made some Forest fires I was trying to figure out like what he meant Because originally I was thinking like in the same way you get Like Rock wall but then it sounded like Xamarin's picking up giant boulders Are you dropping them on Joel? thinking like in the same way you'd get like a rock wall but then it sounded like zamit's

picking up giant boulders yeah are you dropping them on if you drop the rock on a shark would the shark realize in time yeah or a second question how if you drop the rock on a shark would would it hurt the shark? Well, it depends. Well, a couple of questions. One, I guess how heavy is said rock? And two, how close to the surface is said shark? Well, you'd have to be at the surface because you can see him. Okay, well, if he's at the surface, yes, you're going to kill that shark.

Maps-wise, you drop the rock, the shark keeps moving. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you aim where the shark is going, not where the shark is. That isn't the part that I thought was stomping you, Jackson. The moment it hits the water, it'll slow down. That's what I was thinking as well. The energy that is going to be heating it is going to be lessened. Yeah, the velocity would slow down.

And then it hits the shark, presumably at quite a speed. But then Jaws gets smacked in the shark, presumably at, like, it depends. Quite a speed, yeah. Quite a speed. But then Jaws gets smacked in the back, but Jaws can slide out. Or if he gets hit down, and then he keeps being, like, pushed down by said boulder until, like, you know, it hits the bottom, right? But at that point, he's got enough time to, ooh. We need to do some testing with a goldfish. Okay. And a pebble. And a pebble.

So if you're underwater and someone. Fucking a pebble and a goldfish is funny. Yeah, pebble. And a pebble. So if you're underwater and someone- Fucking a pebble and a goldfish is funny. Yeah, go on. Think about it like this way. Oh, cool. Yeah. It depends if the goldfish had it coming or not. If it's a bad goldfish, it's fine.

Yeah, it's got a bad attitude. Oh, yeah. Crime pays, goldfish. Yeah, think about if you're in a swimming pool and someone dives and lands on top of you, it still hits you. Yeah, that is true. It's not like the moment things hit water, they become weightless. No, but they do lose a lot of their initial impact. That's what I was wondering.

I'm on your side here, Zamit. I just am struggling to understand how Jackson isn't sure how a shark could not. Like, for example, you're on a pier. Yeah. And you've got like, say, a lot of shotputs on your hands, right? You've got a barrel of shotputs. I guess shotputs not for me. And then you've got Finn.

And you see a shark. He's in the bottom of the pier. He's like, he's just popped his head out. You can see his fin. And so you pick up the shotput and then drop it. Maybe even though I can't throw the shot put maybe I can at least kill the shark. Maybe violent fisherman is in my future.

I guess that's one dream I'll never get to do. I feel like I'm sorry about your shot put dreams. It is sad that you took all of your shot puts to the pier. That's very I dropped them in the sea because you couldn't throw them which is why the dream is dead. Just push them off the edge of the pier. Just's very I dropped them in the sea because you couldn't throw them, which is why the dream is dead.

Push them off the edge of the pier. Just roll them. So yeah, I guess If one hit a shark, it would damage the shark. It would be like, it's smart, but I don't know how much it would damage it. It depends how high, how much distance between. And how deep under the water the shark is

at the time, yeah, it's true. So yeah, a lot of rocks. yeah because again it's like it's a big great why right yeah so it can't go into the shallow so it's going to be a certain point where it just can't get people yeah that's true yeah but then also it could get over the rocks yeah and then we then then because if you put rocks yeah you're not the rocks are not gonna be if you put the The rocks are not going to be If you put the rocks sticking up out of the water That closes the beach off Of the waves

That stops the water flow abruptly Yeah but now we've got a nice gentle Sort of like a paddling pool The mayor is listening to this plan And you can see steam coming out of his ears I'm getting a third slap But people like the beach Okay Mr. slap. But people like the beach. Why do people...

Okay, Mr. Mayor, why do people like the beach? Surfing. Swimming. Swimming, fine. Don't start with surfing. Don't fuck me like that. No one's surfing in Amity Island. The beautiful sound of waves lapping on the shore.

We can sugar wave. Oh, you're going to make waves? No, because around where, like, there'll be,'ll be the side of said rocks, it will be. Can the shark not get in? We don't know. I mean, scrape his belly? But if you've got choke points for the shark, you can at least prepare for it there. Yeah, then those choke points we put in netting.

That's where we put the sexy dolphins. Oh! From earlier. They're back. Okay, okay, okay, okay. What if we had, okay, build up this fence with rock, and then those choke points, we get either a sexy blow-up doll or a sexy real-life model doll thing.

Yeah, yeah. You know, those little fuck dolls. Oh, like a fuck doll. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like one of those awesome fake ass thing. Yeah, yeah. You know, those little fuck dolls. Oh, like a fuck doll. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like one of those awesome fake asses. Yeah. So we could like,

we spend a bit of money on like a realistic, a realistic ass you can fuck. Yeah, yeah. It'll help us think. Okay. It'll help us think.

So really. I can't think. If only there was an ass I could put on the table and fuck. That would really Loosen my brain up We're pushing a pen

Away in the paper Dude I'm My brain is on fire I'm gonna go fuck the ass That's fair dude That's fair That's fair See you in 15

Stay hydrated I'm gonna go fuck the ass To clear my head Yeah That's what we got the ass for It works Yeah so we get A sex doll

And we put that Out of the choke points And fill it with bombs. Okay. I like the bombs. That's scary, because I'm going to explode. Stop fucking the sex dolls that we're using as bait. Well, buy me a separate sex doll, then.

You just want to swim out to the choke point, go into town. I can't think. My head's on fire. My thoughts are clouded. I gotta go fuck that sex doll I can see out in sea. I have a great vision when it comes to sex dolls.

And it's in sea, so obviously there's no laws in sea, it's mine. No one can own anything in the sea. I hope there's not too many barnacles on it. Yeah. Also, what do you think's going to happen when you put the bombs next to your wall? Well We'll kill the shark

And you're going to make a huge wave Yeah And kill anyone that's near the rocks Well Hopefully not something near the rocks Why? Imagine we put the rocks a bit further out Like near the

If they explode with enough force, are the rocks going to rain down on everyone? Yeah, probably. They'll be littler than they were before. And as we talked about with the shot puts. Oh, yeah, that's true. Not as violent and hurtful as if it were... Just like a rock rain, basically.

Yeah, a bit of light rock rain. Happy 4th of July. Yeah, a little bit of light. Okay, what if we put... of light rock rain. Happy 4th of July. Yeah, a little bit of light. Okay, what if we put that? Okay, speaking of 4th of July, these choke points, we just ram a lot of fireworks into sex dolls along with the bombs. So then we blow up the shark. The fireworks go off. And everyone gets like, we'll be too distracted by the fireworks.

To care about the rock rain. I noticed they can hit Belton with rock rain. And Mr. Mayor, what's better? Getting Belton with rock rain or eaten by sharks slash closing down the beach. Yeah, that's true. I like that your pitch initially, you were like, let's not kill the sharks. You ran out of options. You gotta kill the shark. You ran out of options. You gotta kill the shark.

I could see the bloodlust in the mirror. Slash my co-workers eyes. We want that shark dead. Alternatively. Yeah. So what's, so we're in an island. Yeah. That's true.

Damn. An island is, let's, let's, a circle. Sure. Sure. Yeah. Why not? An island is like, it's. Sure. Sure. Why not? An island is like it's surrounded by sea in every direction. That is true. Okay, so what if we put some people, like, I don't know,

in things we don't like? Oh, undesirables. Yeah, Mr. Mayor, do you have any enemies? Okay. What if we put them in that beach? So we make a sort of bait beach. Yeah, yeah. That the shark goes to.

Yeah, what if we're like, so this beach we love. Yeah. So, but what, and I guess this is where the shark is now hunting. Yeah. So what if we smear campaign this beach and then we, all the rich and elites and the mayors go to the good beach that we have now like. Hang on. Yes.

You're assuming that it's just this one beach that the shark will be at. Is that not the case? I mean, it is in Ireland. How big is the island? How far can it go? How long is the beach? How fast can a shark swim? Yeah.

Okay, so Amity Island is an island off New England. There's going to be a lot of stuff that I don't think is going to make any, well, not really help us because we're not American. And a terrible geography. Oh, like you wouldn't believe. I know New England is off. What if

we Okay, what if we made the shark a bit too full? Oh, okay. So what if put like things that we don't Like off cuts Like offal and stuff Like chum Chum

So we chum the waters When I say chum the waters Right I mean chum the waters I'm talking like we could almost set up like Like a slaughter factory where a cow go in on conveyor belt. Chum come out. And then it's just like, cuts it all up and then just straight into the ocean.

Okay. This kind of level of chum to just distract the shark. What I would be afraid of is that we would turn a one shark problem into a multi shark problem. Is that sharks love chum, dude. And how are we dealing currently with the one shark? We're struggling and it's one shark. How many island has one beach? I guess the problem would be, I mean, like with your chum idea,

the new sharks we attracted wouldn't be as big as Jaws. But then if the new sharks get attracted, then Jaws could then feast on those sharks and become a bigger shark. What's worse? One big shark or one big shark and 20 smaller sharks? Yeah, but I'm hoping the big shark will then eat the other sharks and then we've got a huge shark. Okay. Then it can't get into the beach because it's too big.

Okay. What if we mega shark this? Okay, so there is other sharks in Jaws Because they kill a tiger shark in the movie And they're like this is the one that ate your little boy And you're like I disagree and also Why is there no little boy guts in the shark's guts?

There's many reasons I say dabbing my brow Are you the man who put all that Chum in the water? My boy's been eaten alive by multiple sharks. You're going to be like, my boy's been eating chum. You're the man who put the chum in the water my son loves. Yeah.

And then he's eaten the chum and then a shark ate him. Because he smells so much like chum. This is your fault. It's not my fault that your boy's a freak. I don't know. He was a freak He's been eaten He loved chum

Okay Is that such a crime Oh yeah I guess It's not a crime It's not a crime But I mean It's an aberration

If the beaches are open And they're full of chum My boy's gonna be in the sea Eating the chum Okay There's no rule against it We call him chum Bailey Because he loves chum so much

And he's paid the ultimate price Clearly I guess you did call him Chum Bailey because he loves Chum so much. And he's paid the ultimate price, clearly. I guess you did call him Chum Bailey. Yeah, we did. He's dead now. He smelled so much like Chum, the shark thought he was Chum. And whose bright idea was it to fill shark-infested borders with Chum, huh?

A certain handsome individual, I think. I don't know where he is, though. He's probably gone. He's probably off island right now. He's probably off to fix more individual, I think. I don't know where he is, though. He's probably gone. He's probably off island right now. He's probably off to fix more problems, I reckon. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, the problem, like, you've got a shark, so you fed it? Yeah, yeah.

So when you feed a wild animal, they then expect, I guess, because that was an easy meal, to keep coming back. He's got a domestic candidate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he's expecting food. But there's also no consequences for eating people. There's no charm. I mean, I guess they ate a person

and then got rewarded with charm. Are you aware of the phrase feeding frenzy? It's the sort of thing that happens to sharks when they get a lot of food. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Their eyes roll back to their head and you can't stop them. You cannot stop them.

That's probably where their boy died. In a feeding frenzy. Oh, that's where my son Sean Bailey died, in a feeding frenzy. What if we, what if we, what if we, similar to Sean's idea. We're not walking back. Feeding a hungry shark to convince it to not stick around is our current plan. Yeah. So if you ever, speaking of feeding frenzy,

have you ever seen a video of a feeding frenzy of, say, a bunch of sharks going ham at a whale? I've seen similar things, yeah. Yeah, so we've got to either find an already dead whale. I'm not saying we kill a whale. Okay, so solution number four or whatever we're up to, poaching. So, no. We don't want to kill the shark. We're not killing a whale. Okay, so solution number four or whatever we're up to, poaching. So, no. We don't want to kill the shark. We're not

killing a whale. But we will kill a whale. We've found a dead whale. What are you finding a dead whale? This whale's been shot in the head. Died of natural causes. It was sad. Yeah, died of lead poisoning. That's sad. Someone put bullets in its

whale brain. Then we drag that carcass Yeah, a ton of lead poisoning, that's sad. Someone put bullets in its whale brain. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So then we drag that carcass out a little bit away from the beach. There's an element of your recent plans I'd like to examine, Zama. Why do you believe that when a shark is full once, it will go away? Well, this way we can kind of like, you know, because we can see it could be eating the shark. The shark will be eating the whale, right? And we'll be tugging like the shark with the tugboat. It's can kind of like, you know, because we can see it because we're eating the shark. The shark will be eating the whale, right?

And we'll be tugging like the shark with the tugboat. Because I'm kind of fishing. Yeah. You've got a whale tied to a tugboat? Yeah. Well, okay. Where are you going? Nowhere is the answer.

I have to see. What are you usually attached to a boat when you don't want to move? Something heavy? Or an anchor? What's a whale? A moving anchor? A whale floats sometimes. Does a dead whale float?

Okay, so in video games? Yes, great beginning. When you want to separate one mob from his friends, you kite them in a way. You attack them and you run away and he know you kite them in a way yeah yeah yeah you pack them and you run away and he follows us so that

with a whale carcass okay with a whale carcass yeah yeah yeah that's attached to the tugboat and we take the whale out to sea and shoot him with the gun we killed the whale with

I mean we found that whale with a separate gun yeah with a separate non-smoking gun yeah yeah yeah so we couldn't like so we pull out the whale.

So we drag along. The shark will start biting it. And then they'll get close to the surface because that's where the whale is. It's still floating. So you're in a tugboat in the beach. Yeah, in the ocean. Hang on. How does Jaws end?

Can you remind me? If there was like a famous line and they're in a what boat? Well, I'm assuming. As we're sinking because the whale's too heavy. We should have got a bigger boat. Get a bigger boat. And then when he's chewing on the whale, we shoot him in the head. Okay.

Yeah. How are you going to shoot a shark when there's a whale, though? We climb on the whale. How are you imagining? Okay a shark when there's a whale there? We climb on the whale. How are you imagining? Okay, you've got the whale. Have you seen this video that I'm remembering? No, I have not seen the video you're remembering. So there's this whale carcass and there's a lot of sharks going at the whale.

How are we going to know which one's Jaws? And how do we know which one's Jaws? In the Freeding Frenzy video that you're remembering, does anyone shoot any of the sharks? No, but one guy goes onto the whale carcass and touches a shark, which everyone said was a bad idea. Does he get bitten? No. Bags not. One shark that he touches is near the top, right?

Yeah. But there is also- There'll be other sharks below. There'll be sharks below, which means that- But I'm hoping Jaws is on top. Why would Jaws be on top? Jaws is the biggest. If we're lucky.

I reckon Jaws is most likely going to be at the bottom. Or while we're away, Jaws is at the bottom. Or just waiting, open mouth, near the tugboat, waiting for us to slip and fall. Or being like, I'm hot. The sharks are over there eating. I can have a swim, right? Exactly. Yeah, dude. The sharks are occupied there eating. I could have a swim, right? Yeah, dude.

The sharks are occupied. No, you're going to swallow it all. What now? Should we get him out? He's probably still alive. No. Okay. Fair enough.

So feeding the sharks. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So we went net, rock wall, kill a shark with a blow-up doll. Next to a rock wall. Next to a rock wall. Chum the sea. With fireworks.

With fireworks. Chum the sea. Chum the sea. And also fireworks. Whale carcass. Whale carcass that we didn't kill, wink, wink. We found. We found it with a bullet in its brain.

Out of natural causes. When I kept thinking, I was like, what do sharks eat regularly? Yeah. Fish. What if I just poison every fish around the... That's plan one. I got two plans. That's my first plan. I got a plan that's similar. What if... What do we eat?

Well, we just stop eating fish for a bit. I wade into the sea. Yep. Poison every fish. I got two sacks of fish poison. Jackson, Jackson, Jackson. You can't poison the sea because what is the one poison everything you've got too many sacks of fish poison oh okay Jackson Jackson Jackson you can't poison the sea

because what is the one rule the beach has to stay open yeah but you've poisoned the beach you've poisoned the sea secondly you've gone into the ocean but I've got the whale poison I mean

the fish poison yeah that's gonna keep every shark away because they don't want to get poisoned. They don't know. They don't know. You're going to accidentally kill Jaws when he eats you while you're holding two big barrels of fish poison. Define fish poison. Poison specially designed to kill fish.

No, hang on, because isn't the poison you currently are trying to acquire poison that doesn't kill the fish but makes the fish poisonous? Well, I don't care. Because that sounds like you're playing. Because if you kill all the fish... Jaws just leaves until... Not just that, but it's like, well, there's my food source because I guess the gulls are picking it off. Now he has to eat humans.

He ate the gulls. But now he has to eat humans. Apparently the sea is poison. Are you poisoning the sea? Are you poisoning the fish? What are you poisoning? I'm trying to, my aim was to poison the sea so that in turn I poisoned the fish. But the fish live like a rough five days as they die.

And in that rough five days, the shark eats the fish and gets poisoned. Real swallow to fly. Swallow poisoned. We'll swallow the fly. No, swallow the horse to catch the cat. To catch the dog, to catch the cat, to catch the fly. No, it's worse. It's burning down our wheat field to kill a cane post. That'll stop it eating our cane. Yeah, well, it might work.

Now we have no wheat field. Okay. Now we've got no fish or beach. Well, the poison it might work. Now we have no fish or beach. Well, the poison will fade eventually. Eventually. So you're going with an oil spill. Yeah, in a way.

I just think oil is pretty obvious. But the poison might be more subtle. Look, before you get to your next idea, because your idea is a bad idea, but it's close to my idea. Which is a good idea. Yeah, it's a great idea. I'll jump in with mine, and then we'll get to your last one. So I think you're on, you're close. You're close. I think that

affecting the entire ocean is the right idea. Yeah. But there is also a way to do this where the people that are going to the beach are going to be fucking stoked. Jaws will die. Might lose some fish and maybe a whale. But the people will be fine Global warming

Heat the sea up Okay, how are you going to do it? Well, even if we just manage to heat the sea up in a way Where I'm not destroying the earth, I guess Could probably I also think it's very interesting That when we fix the economy in Jaws You froze the sea

That speaks to Okay, so global warming. So we're just... Well, basically, I just want to raise that not necessarily... I mean, we could start polluting. That will help. But maybe not even necessarily global warming.

Just make the sea hot. How do you make the sea hot? Well, maybe we... Heaters? Heaters? There's pool heaters. Why not just put them in the ocean? Just a bunch of them in the sea.

I feel like the heat would dissipate. Yeah, it will. It will definitely dissipate. Because you have waves. This is where the rock pool would come in handy. You can stop the cold water coming in. Unless you put the heaters way out to sea. And then the waves bring in hot water.

Yeah, but still behind the heaters is cold water. Okay, we might have to go to pollution. Everyone gets free aerosol cans. Just beam them up to the sky and spray away. Aircon on all the time. Windows open. How long does it get to be? It's going to be tricky. So with climate change,

are you hoping that the sea levels rise? So it gets warmer. You're imagining a water world situation where it's like the polar ice caps are melting and so then the sea levels rise. I'm thinking. Which means Jaws can get further.

Jaws comes into my house. Knocks on the door. Knock, knock, knock. I open my little slot dabbling through. Are you the shark that's been on the news? No. Okay, just have to check. Just come in.

And then we're it. You were. You were. You lied to me, George the Shark. Yes, I did. No, the news didn't capture me. That was my brother, the stupid news. Oh, no.

The global warming made me smart. Damn it. I told Dusha that would happen. No, basically I'm thinking that sharks, if the water's too hot, the shark will die. Oh, okay. I don't necessarily... Where people have a bath, and they love baths. Yeah, okay.

People, hot water, they'll be like, unreal. You've got two days. Two days to make the sea as hot as possible. Two days to do something that I guess so many scientists and policy makers have been trying to stop for decades. If you got a rock. Which means it's already in progress, so that's handy. If you heated up like a stone or something to an immense heat and dropped it in the sea. See, I was thinking a volcano, but I was trying to figure out how do I.

Dig down. Oh, drill into the sea. See, I was thinking a volcano, but I was trying to figure out how do I dig down. Oh, drill into the earth. Drill into the mantle of the earth. Oh, now we're asking. Under the oceans. Yeah, okay. A new island.

Try and force a volcanic eruption by drilling into the tectonic plates. That's gotta be... Underwater, that's gotta be easy. Yeah, it's easy to drill underwater because it's already so soft. Yeah, it's wet. You could make a sinkhole.

It's a drill, so the shark won't eat it. Yeah. That's a good thing to say as though the mayor's scared the shark's gonna eat your drill. And there's no one in the drill So that's no casualties

We just need to make the ocean hot And town will become a better tourist attraction What about Mirrors Attached to everyone's house Pointing So kidding the sun and reflecting directly Onto the sea

I feel like you've got a real risk of setting a lot of things on fire. Because you could go the other way, like a Mr. Burns-esque of trying to shut off the sun to Springfield. Oh, yeah. But that's... Yeah, but you shut off... You've got two days. So you shut off the sun for two days, making it cold, which Shark is like... Oh, too chilly.

I'm not going to go. Two days later. And you take it off and then, because he's already fucked off because it's too cold. I am worried that will fuck with tourism. Yeah, people don't want a cold beach, but that's true. It's scalding hot. Where they get sunburned instantly from the mirrors.

The mirrors will be off by the time the beach is open because the shark's already dead. Okay. Two days. What if we hire a crack team, like a SWAT team- Yeah. In scuba gear and we send them out to kill the shark? Okay.

Scuba SWAT. Scuba SWAT. The shark. Why are they good at killing the shark? Like what? They are just guys. They are just guys, but they're good in stressful situations. That is the problem.

We didn't have any guys that were good in stressful situations. Nobody was calm under pressure, yeah. I was thinking, hey, can Jaws get pregnant? Yes. Okay. What if we introduce, like, a bull shark into the situation? Jaws gets pregnant, goes out to see Dava, babies. I don't know if Jaws can get

pregnant. Jaws is definitely Bruce, yeah? What? Isn't Jaws' name Bruce? Is Jaws got a pussy or a cock? I don't, I... Does he have a shussy or a shock? Yeah, what's going on? We're talking a shussy or a shark situation because it's important for me to know.

I don't know. The shark got a sheenus? What's happening? They think it's a boy shark. Okay. Damn. Let me find... My plan was to get Jaws too pregnant to attack.

Yeah, Bruce is the name of the shark. What? Okay. Not SWAT team. What if we entice some... We're going to have to make some deal with some devils. Some loathed people. Big game hunters.

Oh, yeah. Bring them in. We make like an assassin's ball. We put basically a bounty on George's head. But like it's a big game ball. Because not only will we get these fuckwits to our town to try and kill this shark. That's already increasing tourism. Yes, that's true. So that's pretty good.

And hopefully they will attack Jaws. And if some of them die. I like how much is it going to cost? This is not something we've considered, but how much is it going to cost? This is not something we've considered, but how much is it going to cost to hire out these big game hunters? Well, I guess we're not hiring them out, are we? No. We still get our $15.

We're providing a prize. That's true. They come out, kill Jaws. They know what they're doing, which is really the skill they have that we don't. They've hunted sort of big game animals before. Surely there is, you know, like a market for people who want to kill a big shark. Shark tooth necklaces and stuff.

Yeah. It's an unfortunate market, but yeah, yeah, yeah. Because we could all, or we could try and be like, just sell to these, market to these big game hunters. But then they have to pay us a fee to try and hunt down Bruce. That's true. You're gonna try and get poachers to pay a license to shoot the shark that we've been hired to

shoot. Yes. Okay. Also the reason I dipped out of the episode for a moment is I was like oh I wonder what happens in the book and then I saw that it was like Bruce the shark dies from exhaustion and I was like excuse me? But they lied to me. Exhaustion caused by multiple stab wounds.

Stab wounds? Yeah, they were stabbing it with a harpoon. There's a folk tale. And Quint dies in the book similar to how your hero in Moby Dick dies. He gets dragged underwater by a rope wrapped around his leg. That is sad. That also happened in Avatar 2. Which I assume is going to be some kind of reference.

I think they all might be references. Anyway, there's a folk tale called possibly The Lampton Worm, right? Which is about a dragon or something in some British town. Yeah. And nobody can fight it because it keeps eating these guys. And also, I think it's acidic. Its body's acidic. Then one cunt is like, what if I made a suit of armor covered in spikes?

So I was just thinking that. And he goes and fights the worm and he kills the worm covered in spikes. So what if I get in a suit of armor? Yes. It's one size too big full of chum.

Okay? I wade into the water. Full of chum. Full of chum but in a spiky suit of armor. Can I make one addendum? Yeah. So spiky suit of armor but you are also in scuba gear Yeah. So spiky suit of armor, but you are also in scuba gear.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, because I will be dragged underwater. Yes. But it's spiky. It's covered in razor blades. It's going to cut his mouth to shit. I was over a rope tied around me, and the two of you were on the beach holding the rope. Okay.

No, that's a mistake. So a rope around you, and you are covered in razor wire. around you and you are covered in razor wire that when you move or the rope moves

which is causing friction maybe the rope's around my waist in the suit of armor and then the rope comes out a hole in the back

a hole in the back yeah and where's the chum how's the chum staying in the suit well it's gotta come out so that's probably good

yeah it comes out as slowly as I move like nylon or something so it doesn't get like... It's around my waist. You two are on the beach. Maybe you got a winch or something. Or we just wait. Jaws comes and bites me, cuts itself to shit. You can even eat me a bit.

You give him a big old hug. Yeah. I just scratch Jaws up and then we're fishing again. I'm the worm. We're fishing. Fishing's a good idea. We fish jaws into the bay. We make the suit of armor look like a

sexy lady. Oh yeah. We just hope that when you start the winch it doesn't bisect me in the suit of armor. So when you take me out, my top half slops off my bottom half. What could happen if the... Because if we're...

If Jaws, even though it's in pain, because if you get stuck in its mouth, because you're spiky... Yeah, he might get stuck in its mouth. He might get stuck in its mouth, and it kind of thrashes around and pulls. Yeah, so we just got to flip that. And then we...

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's like with fishing, right? You got to give it a bit of slack. Yeah, flip. So we'll flip that up. Let it just... You got to see a bit. Hold up. Hold up, hold up., no, no. It's like with fishing, right? You've got to give it a bit of slack. Yeah, flip. So we'll flip that up. Let it just out to sea a bit. Hole up. Hole up.

Hole up. He's got this. He's got this. A lot of cork. Oh, yeah, it's fine. And then we'll let the ropes keep spooling. We're hoping that, like- It'll keep spooling.

What if we- Have we anchored it to what? The beach? The sand? We should have figured this out beforehand. Oh, wow. Well, at least the shark's probably angry now I mean the shark might die from blood loss Well yeah or as the book calls it Exhaustion for some reason

Yeah it'll get tired from all of the stab wounds But so will I Well because you're in the armor I'm in a sink You can breathe but can you be digested if you're in armor? Well he's not being digested, right? He's just in the mouth. He's bitten him.

He's kind of gotten caught in amongst the mouth and the teeth and everything. Assuming you've got air, so you're fine. It's thrashing around. What I hope is that Jaws dies from blood loss. So what type of armor are you wearing? Because I know it's covered in spikes. I understand that bit. But what's it made of? It's got to be tough enough that Jaws can't bite through. It's type of armor are you wearing? Because I know it's covered in spikes. I understand that bit. But what's it made of?

It's got to be tough enough that Jaws can't bite through. Yeah. It's got to be iron, right? It's got to be iron. Iron armor. Because again, this shark eats a fucking boat. Yeah. That's made of wood.

What the fuck? Yeah, but what else do you think is on the boat? It's not just wood. It's plastic. But I got to hope my suit of armor is strong enough. It's covered in spikes. He's gonna try and bite down. Look, you might even, if it's like spikes long enough,

it might skewer his brain. Jaws dies. Sinks. I have to rely. Eventually Jaws will. This happens to sea creatures. He'll inflate with gas and rise to the surface again. I was about to ask. When a shark dies, when does it float?

After it dies, it sinks. Then it inflates with gas and it rises to the surface again. So I've got to hope that my scuba tank lasts me while I'm down there. I'm going to find out how long does a scuba tank last. Yeah, because you've also got to so it dies, it sinks. You've also got to hope it hasn't swum too far out to sea.

Yes. Before I press the question, Google truly has my back, yeah. The two suggestions, the three suggestions are, how much air is in a scuba tank, which is good, because that's the one I needed.

How much air is in the world? No, we don't need that. And how much air is in a fart? Thank you, Google. Google does have your back. Well,

what happens, because if Bruce bites down on the armor, like, because you're going to have, where, where's the scuba tank? Is that in the chum? 15 to 20 minutes, and that's a big scuba tank. You dare don't need a rescue. If we're fishing with Jackson, it's going to take a little bit.

So a 20-litre tank, which is like a... So a standard scuba tank is anywhere between 4 and 20 liters. 20 liters is about 15 to 20 minutes of breathing. What about an old timey diver's suit? So we have like that tube there, right? Oh yeah, a tube.

Here's the risk as well, if you fuck it up on your end, you can suck me through the tube. A tube, yeah. What are you fighting? A big shark. You fuck it up on your end. You can suck me through the tube. Well, and also, what's a tube? Like, a tube. Yeah. What are you fighting? A big shark. The shark bites you.

It goes straight through the tube. Yeah, yes. The pressure immediately liquefies you in the tube. It's not that. That pressure's not going to be that bad. Well, maybe I just need to die so the jaws can die too. Good. We might not have to be in there, to be honest.

That's a good point. Why was I in there? Because we could just have a sort of arbor. Why is it sort of arbor? Why do we have a bucket of charm wrapped in razor wire? I'm so sorry. The internet did me dirty Yeah

So it's 15 to 20 minutes Per liter Oh okay I could probably last then Once again We just realised Why I don't need to be

In this No you don't We could Um And I You could wrap A fucking grenade in Shum Yeah

Yeah And then when it eats it And then razor wire Pull the pin Yeah Well no because we need to be at the grenade to tie the same way that you

fucking... Like a fishing line. Yeah. We don't know if... What if it's like, we think we got it, but it's got snagged on like... Then we see an explosion, we just tie it with a grenade. And then we're like, we did it. I think Jaws is dead. And it definitely exploded. And then the next day, somebody somebody else dies and we're like,

oh, no, no, it must be a different shark, not the one you contracted us for. $15, man. Yeah, we definitely killed that one. Cough up. Quint asked for $10,000, so $15 to almost kill the shark is pretty good. You can probably just give us $15 to get us out of your office.

I've been pelting pebbles at your goldfish for, you know, research. It's for science. Yeah, for research. That's got to be annoying. Yeah, I think if we could get, like, I think your armored chum is probably your best idea. Thank you. But you don't need to be in it. I don't need to be in the armor.

Yeah. That was a mistake. I think the best idea overall, though, was the dressing the dolphins up as sexy naked ladies and putting bombs in their blowholes. It's sad but that's life.

Yeah it's sad, it's sexy, it's life. And on that note I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've also been Joel. Hire us to kill your shark.

We'll kill a shark. We'll kill a boy. Not a whale though. We won't kill a whale. We just found it like that. Not a whale though We won't kill a whale We just found it like that Yeah