Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Explain to Your Dad Why You Fucked the Pie in American Pie?

Episode Date: March 27, 2022

Oh my god Dad! You just don't understand TikTok! This is actually fine and you're the weird one.And if you want to sign up to NordVPN just head to https://nordvpn.com/deathstar or use code deathstar on checkout to get a huge discount off your NordVPN Plan + 1 additional month for free and a bonus gift! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ahem. You're listening to the Sandspants Network. Home of comedy, culture, adventures, and ghosts. Hey everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star. I'm Joel. I'm Jax. And I'm also Joel. And if you remember last week, we said we were recording all these episodes back to back.

Well, it's still happening. And that's why you're getting this episode. Which, because today, we're asking important questions like, how would you explain to your dad why you fucked the pie in American Pie? Okay, so let's get the explanation that... Okay. Oz? Jim?

Yes. Wait, which character are you talking about? The guy fucking the pie. Jim fucks the pie. Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim. I wanted to say Stiflo, which I knew was wrong, but yeah. So, Jim fucks the pie at American Pie. Uh-huh.

Because it's Oz, I'm pretty sure. Isn't that like a nerd boy? It's like warm apple pie. Yeah. Sorry, because the friends group is Jim, Kevin, Oz, and the guy you were just talking about whose name I just fucking forgot. Stifler? No, Stifler's not part of the friends group.

Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think I've ever seen American Pie I think I've seen American Pie 2 and 3 Is Kevin? Yes

Yeah yeah Great beginning Are you gonna say Oz? Yes Sherman Sherman No He's the nerd guy

I was thinking of Isn't he like the big creep? Shermanator Yeah No no no The other guy The fucking

The one that's always dressed and won't shit at school. And then Stifler puts laxative in his food and he shits at school. Finch. Finch. Okay. Finch.

Finch. Finch. Finch. Finch. Finch. He says it's like having sex is like warm apple pie. Is he having sex? Or is it like fingering is like warm apple pie?

Who's like talking about, I think he says just, I'm pretty sure. General vagina. Yeah. A vagina in general is like warm. And then Jim makes the logical leap. Well, Jim goes home one day. Yeah. And sees these mom has made.

One of the odds. My God. Is that why it's a apple pie? It was previously hot. Yeah. It is cooling. Oh my. We're not quite room temperature.

Cause yeah. I guess that would be warm. Exactly as my friend describes. The more I think about it, and I don't know why I'm stuck on this, who says that line? Because Kevin is in a relationship. Yeah. And because he has the tongue twister scene, he just has him and his girlfriend just haven't had sex.

But he's hit a couple of other bases yeah yeah yeah sure it would make sense for him to say it and also kevin suck shit yeah and would say things like that so uh so who do you think says it but i can imagine oz saying okay you got a pick how many guys kevin do you know or have an idea no no can you name two characters? No, no. Stifler? Because I keep saying that name. Steven Stifler. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Stiffmeister. Or to quote a famous Shane Warne tweet,

watching American Pie, Steven Stifler, such a knob. Can't help but laugh, though. That's true. Thanks, Warne. Thanks, Warne, buddy. Thank you. It is Oz.

It is Oz! It is Oz. It is Oz! It is nicely done. Nicely done. There you go. Yeah. Yeah, because Oz starts the movie as a sack of shit guy, like classic jock. Yeah.

And he's like, oh, I'm going to go do this band stuff and whatever, because I've got the hots for this girl, but she only likes like boring shit and not cool sports shit. And then he's like, oh, I love doing all of this. And then he finds himself. That's nice. And then he never goes back to being a dog shit human being. Kevin sucks pretty much from go to work. Yeah. Stiff love sucks from go to work big time,

but get pissed on. So yeah, it's a kind of come up. You know, she also gets sucked off by grandma at one point. That's awesome. That's pretty good. If the movie,

yes, man taught me anything. The reference is coming thinking fast. It's saying yes to getting sucked off by a grandma is good. He has a great time in that movie. When Jim Carrey gets sucked off by a grandma. He's holding onto the bed and he's like, whoa! It's like the best head he's ever received in his life.

It's the best head maybe any, it's like top five suck jobs the world's ever seen. He should knock her back to the quirky art student or whatever. Zooey Deschanel, unfortunately, I'm sure she's great in many but if you're looking for the best blowjob of your goddamn

life, you know where to find it. First time Jim Carrey gets sucked off by Zooey Deschanel, he's like, he's gotta be horrifically disappointed, right? Well, outwardly he's like, hell yeah. That role, but in his head, he's like, grandma suck jobs

are where it is at. Hey, Han, what if we just, you didn't, what if we, ah, just had sex? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you put on these wrinkles?

Hey, can you wear this wig? Babe, do your teeth come out? Because that's also a thing. I know this is a fucked up question, yeah, but do your teeth come out? Are you, do you have, is it, are your teeth come out? Because that's also a thing. I know this is a fucked up question, yeah, but do your teeth come out?

Are your teeth real? Yeah, because... Or gum. Anyway, so yeah, Oz says warm apple pie, Jim goes home, there's an apple pie thing. Sure. And yeah, I think it is fingering, is what they're talking about. Because at first, Jim puts his fingers in the pie and he's like... Yeah, it is.

What does third base feel like? And it's like, warm apple pie, dude. I would just like to say that I always find it fucked up that third base is sometimes considered fingering. Series on it was trying to Google that. Whoops. Oh, no, there's pornos on my phone. Oh, is there? No, because in some places, it's like kissing and then touching under shirt.

That's not a base. None of this is base. Not none of it. Kissing's a base. In everyone, kissing is one. Kissing, bald dip. Oh no. 69ing backwards.

Eating ass. Both? No, but. Double penetration. 69ing backwards eating ass double penetration as third base is that you and someone? a home run is literally indescribable if you saw what I consider a home run you would go insane. It's kind of like what happens when someone, like,

I guess like if someone was standing there, but just far enough that they saw the bombs dropped in Japan. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you remember, what's that movie with Sam Neill? The Dish? No, the spaceship. Event Horizon. Event Horizon, That comes close.

When I consider a home horizon. But it's a rough approximation. When the event horizon goes to literal hell. That's close. That's as close as we can get. That, but it involves an orgasm. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you cum at the end.

Anyway. Typically, I've always been like kissing, fingering. Well, yeah. Yeah. Anyway. But yeah, like typically I've always been like kissing, fingering. Well, yeah. Mouth stuff. Mouth stuff.

It's mostly like kissing, hand stuff, mouth stuff, sex. Yeah. That's as I learned it. Yeah. Yeah.

For sure. Anyway. So third base in this is fingering, but that should not be. Yeah. Yeah. Or was he talking about mouth stuff? Oral sex.

Oh, it's like eating apple pie. It's like eating an apple pie. Really? Because I've eaten apple pie a bunch. I've had an apple pie. I can't imagine you're eating pussy for the first time and you're like, no way. Or, you know, you're eating apple pie late in life for the first time.

This has made this a strange experience. I got a full on stiffed up boner. Yeah. Chubbed up as hell eating this apple pie here at this McDonald's. Not an apple pie, are you kidding me? They can charge 50 bucks for this and I'd buy it. Please, sir, we're going to have to ask

you to leave. You're going to have to ask me to leave. Keep your thoughts inside. I can't help it. You had one of these before? I think it. Whoa! A wooga! Hubba hubba!

Yum yum yum yum yum! Daddy likey! You've been bad from so many times. Bad from a couple times. I reckon Ronald would always come out with a bat and hit me. Get the clown. Bring in the clowns. Anyway.

I always think that fucking an apple pie, it's not quite deep enough, right? Like a pie. That kind of happens. Yeah, okay. It depends how you're doing it, because I guess you could go from an angle and slide in.

Well, he fucks literally. Lengthway. Because he always says it directly. Weirdly, they shot two scenes for it and some versions have... Anyway, so yeah, there's one where he's like kind of like holding the pie in front of his crotch. But then there's another one where he's like lying on... Unless I'm misremembering it. But yeah, he puts the pie on like a table and is like on top of it.

Which makes more sense. I remember he was standing there. Why? Okay, this is on top of it, which makes more sense. I remember he was standing there. Why? Okay, this is my memory of it. So it's like he's standing up. Yeah, because I'm pretty sure- There's a pie. He's put the pie on a table.

Yeah. He's desk that he does work on, but that is in front of a window. No, it's in the kitchen. And he's staring out at the window. Yeah. Or is the kitchen- Either way, I know. Is there a window involved that he's looking out almost wistfully.

You have an incredible photo on your phone of Eugene Levy walking in and finding Jim fucking the pipe. Eugene Levy is Jim's dad. Yeah. It's one of the most pivotal scenes of cinema, I think. Wasn't it in the original script? It gripped the nation for about ten years, I would say. It really did.

So I've got the image now. There's no window. I don't know what I was thinking of. Maybe you got confused because you were watching the movie and you thought that the way that movies work is you're looking through the characters' windows. No, I'm thinking about American Horror Story, the first scene where Dylan McDermott is having a cry wank.

Oh, okay. He's looking out a window, sure. I think he might be looking out the window. Only word in that sentence that I can relate to is cry wank. Oh, okay. He's looking out a window, sure. I think he might be looking out the window. Only word in that sentence that I can relate to is cry wank. Yeah, because that's not the band. He's literally wanking and crying. Yeah, that's good. That's a good saying.

That's a great way to open your television series. Does he have his pants around his ankles? Oh, that's good. A wank with your pants around the ankles is... Especially if you've still got a shirt on. I'm assuming it's a shirt that's like was tucked into his pants. Yeah. I think a jumper would be the worst thing

to have on top. Oh yeah, because a jumper... Doesn't he feel like he's shoved against the jumper? Like a button shirt with a collar out jumper on top. Yeah. That's it.

Shirt between... The dick between like the... What are they? The shirt tails? Yeah, shirt... I don't know if they're the shirt tails on the front. Just the front of the shirt, but I know what you mean. Hey, so the pie in American Pie, the titular pie, does it have like an aluminum or like, okay.

So yeah, it's got aluminum foil. Do you reckon you could push your wiener through that and spin the pie around on your dick? You could definitely. Aluminium is. Sharp when you tear it. It's a bit hard Already circumcised But I'm not

Not me, Jim Yeah, but if I was doing it And I span it Then I would circumcise myself We'll just tell you You spitting on the tip of your penis? Because something else might be going Goodbye knob

We're just telling your mum Like in Adam Sandler's I believe Bulletproof You might have been over circumcircumcised. My references started this episode and they haven't stopped coming. Thankfully, I don't think I could force my wiener through aluminum foil. Not like a pie base. Anyway, so what happens, just so you know how the scene unfolds,

before we have to figure out what our thing would be, is like Jim's dad is like, and then there's a scene where Jim and his dad are sitting there. Jim looks very embarrassed. Jim's dad's trying to comfort him. They're looking at a pie that is just fucked. Yes, it's a fucked pie. And he's just like, we'll just tell.

I've got the image of the fucked pie in question. He has made a meal out of it. And then he says, we'll just tell your mother we ate it. Yeah, we ate the pie. Perfect. Great dad. Great dad. Good dad.

Yeah. He does some iffy stuff. Gives his son pornos. Good dad for this scene. Look, if you were a father, let's take it from the reverse. You come in and there is your boy, your teenage son, the child that you helped raise, the apple of your eye. How old is he?

He's like 17 or 18. Yeah. 17, 18. He's about to finish high school. The whole thing is lose their virginity before they graduate. That's like 17. 17 to 18. If it was younger, somehow I would be like, hormones going crazy.

Yeah. Okay, dude, you got to not do that. Not fuck the pie. We'll just tell your mother I dropped it. We'll just tell your mother I fucked the pie. Yeah, I think because if they were very, like if he was like 14, where it's like, okay, the kids hit puberty and it it's a weird time, and I guess this is something he did. Brother, you're losing your mind.

Okay. Stop. Stop fucking things. But, like, if he's, well, yeah, 17. 17, 18, it's just a little too mature. It's too mature to be experimenting with a pie in the kitchen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If he's, like, if he took it to his bedroom.

If I'm misremembering the events, though, the order is that Jim's dad gives him a porno magazine and then later on the pie scene happens, in which case I would be like, it's my fault, I've made my son too horny. Way too horny. It's not a sentence you have on, I think. Where's the worst place to find your son fucking a pie?

Anywhere. No, garage. I would be worried he was going to kill himself. For some reason, that has I'm about to kill myself vibes. I don't know why. It's so grimy. He's like, you're my son. I also gave myself the hiccups, which is so bad.

Okay, so toilet or bathroom. I just don't want to have a pie in there. That just seems an odd place for food. Even if you are fucking it. Go to the bathroom afterwards and seeing a bit of apple pie. Yeah. You're like, what happened in here? Bad.

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with Nord's 30-day money-back guarantee. It looks like it hurt you a bit, which is good. I get the most painful hiccups. Good. It's because I drink wrong. We know. We've seen. This is not the first time I've had hiccups in the middle of an episode. What about the backyard? Or an old treehouse

that they've long since abandoned? Treehouse, I reckon, is probably the best. Kitchen is worse than treehouse. At least he's taken it out of the house And there's privacy maybe With the treehouse You're like The chances of me actually catching him were slim

This is an unfortunate accident In the kitchen If it's in the treehouse we'll just tell squirrels We say your mother the squirrels fucked the pie Okay But in the kitchen you're like squirrels ate it. We say your mother, the squirrels fucked the pie. Okay? Yeah. Very simple.

But in the kitchen, you're like, not only are you fucking the pie. You were going to come in the kitchen. Yeah. We can walk in at any moment. Like, have a thought for everyone else in the house.

Sounds like I'm coming to bat for Jim, but I'm not. It's just like, because his plan wasn't to fuck the pie either he just lost his mind because he's got the finger here to be honest you know we were saying like 14

that's when your hormones are going crazy they're going crazy for a while 17 you're also horned up to hell you know and he might have been

like one of the younger ones in that friendship group over the years so he could have been like you know like a very just turned 17 yeah yeah exactly

so he's more like 16 to 17 you know what I mean and also his friends are talking about sex way more now so maybe he's more like 16 to 17 you know what I mean and also his friends are talking about sex way more now so maybe he's just like always more horned up

yeah yeah yeah he's just got given pornos Nadia's there and she's hot as hell yeah so it's like I fucked a pie and we'll just tell your mum

yeah yeah we'll just tell your mum we don't know who fucked a pie we'll just tell your mum we came in and the pie was fucked by a mystery person

we've been burgled and they fucked a pie. We came in and the pie was fucked by a mystery person. We've been burgled and they fucked the pie. Okay, we're going to go around and we're going to break some things and steal some stuff and say like, oh my God, someone came in here. They robbed the place and fucked the pie. I've got one last piece of bad. I know you're upset, honey, that they've robbed the house, but I've got one last piece of bad news. You know that apple pie, that beautiful apple pie you made?

You slaved over the kitchen stove and you made it. They fucked the shit out of it. Come on, honey. Someone fucked the pie. Look at this pie. They fucked it. It's unbelievable.

Jim's mum, someone fucked the pie. I'm sorry. We just don't know who fucked the pie. I thought, should I throw it out? But I wanted to show you

for proof. Someone. And we don't know who. It could be anybody. It could be anyone. Me and Jim were both out at the time. We were out shopping for ice cream for you.

For you. For you. The pie. Isn't that right? Jim, go to the car and get the ice cream. Jim. He might take a while. Yeah, you know where it is.

I left it in the back seat. Here's the keys of my car To go get the ice cream Let's eat you darling So they came here through this door As you can see Someone has already kicked it in And they probably used their right foot like this

And you can see the mark How about you make another pie And I'll fuck it and we can compare So then we can compare them. So then we can know that it definitely wasn't me or anyone we're related to who could have fucked that pie. He's into deep. Bail.

We'll get Jim to fuck the pie as well. Then everyone's eliminated. Fuck. Jim, you've got to fuck the pie different. Jim, Jim. Be like, look at the pie. Look at the pie and be like, I wouldn't know where to start. I wouldn't know how to fuck the pie different. Jim, Jim. Be like, look at the pie. Look at the pie and be like, I wouldn't know where to start. I wouldn't know how to fuck a pie, okay?

You've got to look at the pie and be like, you've got to maybe just place your wiener next to it and be like, I tried, I put that nice there. How would I even go in? I don't even know what that means. Put the pie down, it's exactly the same. Jim. Jim.

You fucked both pies. Hey, Jim fucked the money. Jim fucked,. You fucked both pies. Jim fucked the money. Jim fucked. I'm sorry you had to find out. I kicked the door in. I'm sorry. Here's your jewelry back. Okay.

I tried to help you, Jim. I tried to help you, Jim. Obviously, there's nothing that could be done. Okay. You fucked the pie. You fucked the pie. You fucked two pies. You fucked this one.

You know, you're Jim, the boy who fucked two pies. Two you're Jim the boy who fucked two pies Two pies Jim Great My son my legacy Two pie fucker You used to call me the apple of my eye I didn't know you were going to fuck an apple pie You piece of shit

So that's pretty much what happens for Jim Like if we're in this position We're in this position, if we're in this position, is there a way to somehow... To get out of it so he doesn't think you were fucking the pie. Here's my first thought. I dropped the pie.

Sorry, Dad. I dropped the pie on my boner. Sorry, Dad. I was looking at this apple pie and I was hungry and I realized that the pants that I was wearing was too tight. So I unbuttoned it. And then when I went to grab a slice, I realized, oh, no, it's been so long since I've cleaned my dick.

It's so dirty. So then I quickly reached over to the sink to grab a rag to clean my penis. Sure. And then I slipped and my penis fell into the pie. I think with that explanation, you're still fucking the pie. You're still fucking the pie. At least if I dropped the pie, I'm like, oh, I didn't know. I mean, you dropped the pie on your dick. I didn't ever I dropped the pie I mean You dropped the pie on your dick

So I'm gonna drop this dick On the pie Yeah Because when he walks in Your dick's in the pie Your dick's in the pie That's the That's the

So you gotta I It wasn't me It slipped The shaggy The shaggy It wasn't me But I'm seeing you

It wasn't me Oh You turn around Pie is on your dick. You look your dad square in the eye. Dad, why did you fuck this pie? You're disgusting. Stop fucking the pie, Dad.

Dad, you are, you, Dad, Mom made that. You then take the pie and put it on the kitchen table. Psychological warfare with your father. Start just quickly putting up your pants and then be like, I can't believe I walked in on you, my father. Fucking this pie. Fucking mum's pie. What if, okay, and this is, I mean, Jaxi, actually, no, I'll let you go.

What's your strategy? I still think my drop strategy, but I've got a second one. Well, I've got two ideas. Yeah. First idea is I say it's a TikTok thing. I say, I saw on TikTok that you can taste through your penis so i was just trying to make you drunk it makes it sound like you're drunk that's a good one that's a good yeah i say i was reading it was a doing it for the talk yeah i was doing it for the talk

they kept saying that they're like you can taste through your penis so i thought you dip your balls in coke you can taste the coke i thought maybe i'll put my wing in a pie, I'll taste the pie. And it turns out I couldn't, Dad. And he's like, this pie is destroyed. You tried multiple times. Yeah. I was rubbing my dick through it to try to taste that pie. And then the other one I'm thinking is like,

maybe there was a fly that I was trying to hit, but my hands were occupied. My dick wasn't. It was your hold in the pie So your hands are Still occupied but with the pie So TikTok one makes more Plausible deniability there It's still an insane thing to do

But it's just selfish Rather than perverted I don't know, I dropped it It's hard to do because your pants are down I dropped it Because you've got to be like, I dropped it but also at the same time, why were your pants and underpants around your

ankles? I'm a lazy boy. I took a shit. I took a shit. Okay. So, I took a shit and when I got up, there was no soap

in the- You're going to swap the dirty penis for the dirty ass. No, not dirty asshole, just dirty hands. I wiped and everything. I then waddled over. I got up and I looked at the sink and I was like, oh, there's no soap there. And I've known that. This is the thing that I do, Dad, is I don't pull up my pants until after I've washed my hands.

Because I don't want my dirty, shitty hands touching my clean pants. That makes sense, son. How do you do it in high school? I waddle a lot. I am not popular. I am known as the waddler. Well, I keep a little bit of a hand sani in my pants at school at all times. They weren't on me at the moment.

So I walked into the kitchen to try and find some soap. I noticed that there was some dish soap on the sink. And as I went to there, I was a bit too far away from the sink. I leaned over and my penis happened to touch the pie, and that is when you walked in, and you startled me, and I jumped up, and my penis happened to thrust into this warm apple pie. Well, he can't see. Oh, no, because.

No, no, but I think that's a solid foundation, okay? It's a little elaborate. My other, no, actually, let's see no, because. No, no, but I think that's a solid foundation, okay? It's a little elaborate. My other, actually, let's hear this, because I've got one more. So I'm thinking you go, dad, I was shitting, okay? But I got a little bit of shit on my hands. Yeah, yeah. Okay? You got some of those shitty hands, dad.

You know, mom bought, like, it feels like she bought, and you saw her parents, it feels like it's only single ply. I don't know, whatever. Basically, I accidentally touched my pooey asshole. And then I was like, well feels like she bought new toilet paper, it feels like it's only single ply. I don't know, whatever, basically I accidentally touched my pooey asshole. And then I was like, well, nobody's home. So I'll just walk into the kitchen, and this sink was in the bathroom, it was broken. Dad, you gotta fix the sink. Yeah. And then after this, when he lets me go, I go and just wreck the sink.

Well, yeah, both of us, one of us needs to go and just like destroy some soap, one of us needs to destroy soap Then I go in the kitchen And this is what I told dad I was going in the kitchen To wash my hands And you came in And startled me

But I didn't know Who it was And I didn't Have time to pull up my pants So to hide my wiener I grabbed the pie And put it on my dick To hide my nudity

I was using it to cover my Cover my chin Because I didn't know Who it was I could have been I didn't want someone To see my 17 year old dick Yeah so I was just covering I'm nuts the pie and put it on my dick to hide my nudity. Because I didn't know who it was. I didn't want someone to see my 17-year-old dick. Yeah, so I was just covering it. It was just like a spur-of-the-moment decision. Grab the pie to hide my balls. What? Okay. Okay. Yes. We could do something along those lines because you could be like,

alright, I... Because you could be like, I thought I felt a lump on my penis. Getting serious. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to shock him. Because if you get serious, he's like, he wouldn't lie about this. Joke's on you, Jim's dad.

I'd lie about anything. So many things to avoid the shame. So I thought maybe I found a lump or something, and I just wanted to inspect it. There was the lights in the bathroom. They weren't like the fluorescent and i just i wanted a better look i want a natural light so i came into the kitchen ah and then he got shocked and then i got shocked i didn't know who it was and so i grabbed the pie and that way

you don't have to be like i have poopy fingers and then yeah like your fingers are spotless yeah or it could be like why did you how did i teach my son to wipe his ass wrong? What the fuck? How did it go so badly for him? So this way he could be like, oh my God, did you, is there a lump or anything? Like, no, I don't, I don't think so. I'm so sorry about the pie. I'm so sorry about the pie. You might be like, can we go to the doctor?

And then you get the doctor to look at your penis? Yeah. And he's like, this is a regular penis. He's like, yeah, it's half an is a regular penis he's like oh no oh fuck because yeah what is your idea it plays out the same as the movie except when he says we'll tell your mother we ate it you say yes and then when mom comes home you say dad fuck the pie it's exactly the same and then your dad is like jim why would you say that i'm like what

what were you gonna say and then he'll be like jim fucked the pub like mom that's crazy what a crazy thing for my father to accuse me of i mean i'm accusing him of it because he did it and then it's also revenge for how he made you uncomfortable giving you porners exactly absolutely you got revenge yeah you got him good Exactly. Absolutely. You got him. Revenge, yeah. You got him good. It is really, really... Honestly, I think... What about lean in?

Jackson, what are you doing? Dad, it feels awesome to fuck a pie. You ever fucked a pie, Dad? Dad, I just love fucking... Maybe you lean in in the wrong direction. I like pies. I'm a pie guy. Yeah.

Have you heard? You could lean in either one or two ways. Yeah. You could be like, so my friend told me that a vagina was like having sex with a fingering a pie. So I wanted to see what that like. Or yes, I am a pie freak. I'm a pie freak, dad.

I'm pretty sure the movie. I'm a cross nut. Okay. The actual movie I think implies that he does tell his dad the truth. And that's when he's just like, tell your mother we ate it. Yeah. Well, yeah, I guess if you tell your dad you're a full on crustnut, you alienate yourself. And I guess like it is tricky because.

Dad, I promise I was going to eat this after that. I do a thing online where I fuck pies and eat them on a camera yeah i have a webcam in my room i don't know why i was in the kitchen i'm a bit of a pervert for other perverts yeah dad are you familiar with dirty filth are you familiar with the term pervert are you familiar with the online pie fucking community? Of which I am a pillar. Dad, have you ever been on www.ifuckpies.com? Because I have.

Every day. I have. It's my website. I wrote it. Yeah, I don't know if that helps, but here's the trick of that one. Makes your dad feel shame. And I think the power balance swaps. Yeah, absolutely.

Or you could just be like, own it 100%, but be proud about it. Be like, yeah, I'm fucking this pie, and I'll fuck it again. No pie is safe in this house. Bring a pie into the house, leave me alone with it, I'm going to fuck that pie. You better tell mom when she gets home never to make a pie into the house, leave me alone with it, I'm going to fuck that pie. You better tell mum when she gets home never to make a pie again. You better tell my mum, your wife, when she comes home, honey, we've raised a pie fucker and he's proud.

Yeah, so you better tell my mum, your wife, to make another pie. My lust is insatiable. When you eat a pie, it fills you up. When you fuck a pie, there's nothing on it. Tell me, Dad, have you ever eaten something that you have just fucked? It's great. It's spectacular, Father. The lion has fell in love with the lamb.

But the lion is me, Jim, and the lamb is this here pie I'm fucking. It's like a suckling pig. And I want to fuck so bad, Dad. Except it's an actual pie. Fuck, that's funny just full stop. Jim's dad walks in and Jim's just fucking the pie, just looks, makes eye contact, just says, walk away. Walk away, Dad. Walk away.

You do not want to know what's going on in here. And you. You never saw any of this. You may just think that I am fucking this pie, but let me tell you, it's a lot worse. I'd leave. I'd like, is he shoving it in? I don't want to know. But I'd speculate about it for the rest of my life.

It'd be my last thought before I died. What was he doing to this pie? Wouldn't tell my wife. No, that's a thing that I just... I think it would probably ruin my marriage. Yeah, she'd be like, Why are you so distant? What?

Who? What happened to the pie? What pie? I'm just crying. I think I bumped... I don't know. One of us must have bumped the pie. Yeah, I think the pie fell in the bin or something.

Yeah, we ate it maybe. Knocked it over. Jim's dad, you're lying to me. No, we knocked it over. Babe, you're going to have to accept that this is all you'll ever know. Hon, I know you've got questions about the pie. I don't have answers. We just knocked it over.

And Jim, you just give him a look every day. And there'll be an understanding. And Jim gives a thumbs up. Love your work, Dad. Love your work, Dad. Anyway, I'm going to go to the baker on the way home. Do you want anything? I'm going to stop by the local McDonald's.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. $1 apple pies, Dad. Can you believe it? Can you believe my fucking luck? Yeah, I got a crisp tenner in my back pocket. Guess what I'm coming home with? Ten apple pies. A harem of apple pies, Dad.

Would you like one of my sloppy seconds? Yeah. Want me to pick you some up, Dad? No? Okay. I'll see you when you get home late from work tonight, Dad. That's a fucked up situation That's happened here Something's fundamentally wrong

With this video Yeah He's torturing his father Going to school the next day Being like Oz not only were you right I have the power now I'm the dad

I've become the dad Hey Oz Thanks for the heads up I'm my dad now Yeah I've become the man of Oz Thanks for the heads up I'm my dad now Yeah I've become the man of the house What? Yeah

I fucked a pie I don't like I'm gonna fuck so many more pies Yeah Like it felt pretty good But now I think I'm making my thing Nadia

Michelle Pie Pie I don't even like It doesn't even feel good It's just the power I see from it That's why I do it

This is how a king feels. This is how an emperor is greeted. This is the power that Pharaoh's had, Oz. You have gifted it to me. What has Oz on, Luke? His confidence would go right up. Oh, yeah. Then all the guys in town are fucking pies.

In hoping that their dad walks in. Tell you what. Yeah, he's a confident Jim. That's scary to think about. Dangerous. Very dangerous. The moment he's like, oh, my God, there's a webcam. Yep.

Watching him and Nadia. He'd be like, yeah, good. Directly stares at the camera as he prematurely ejaculates on his own leg. He's like, and now for round two. Still staring, second leg. And now for round three. Please. Blink-182 cannot believe what they're seeing.

That man, just through sheer force of will, just comes on his own leg twice. What's he doing? What the fuck? He his own leg. Twice. What's he doing? What the fuck? He's not been erect once. How's he doing? I wish I could remember the name of this school in American Pie. Because Fast Times at Richmond High.

Fuck Pies at Richmond High. It's there. But I don't have the knowledge. The pieces are there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. it would really change things. I think the movie's different now. It's something else.

It's like a horror? Something's been unlocked. In many ways it's a cosmic horror. Because you can't- You can't fathom this. The human brain cannot fathom what has happened to Jim. No. By fucking- fathom this the human brain cannot fathom what has happened to Jim by fucking a pie yeah it's definitely

like a usurping of the patriarch but in a way that's never really been done before no like

and the references are still gonna keep coming when the mastering doctor who looks in that hole and it makes his head all fucked up and he can only hear drums

yeah yeah yeah Jim's dick goes into that pie something changes it's a threshold it's a cosmic threshold. Yeah. That his penis passes and um, yeah, it ushers in a new age. Yeah, and his dad has the awe like he's seen a Cthulhu in him, so um.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Man-made horrors beyond human comprehension. The human brain. I think I just feel like Hun Never make a pie again Yeah Oh no

But the threat of Jim Hun Can you keep Only make pies I love apple pies Make at least one a week But I Will never eat them

Make maybe several So you lose count Of how many you've made Yeah yeah yeah So if one or two disappear You don't know I guess Yeah Well I don't know. Yes. Yeah.

I don't know the best way to... We'll tell your mother we ate it. No. No you won't. We'll tell your mother you fucked the pie and came in it I guess. Yes we will.

Yes we will. That's exactly right. Good job Glad you paid attention Maybe we get her to make another one In fact actually Hey dad Make me a pie

Can you make me a pie Yeah It's become a sort of psychosexual Torture of his own father At this point Yeah it's good It's really good Yeah we're not gonna tell mum we

Ate the pie or that I fucked it. You're going to make another pie. Yeah, and I'm going to fuck it. And I'm going to fuck it. I'm going to fuck it. You're going to keep fucking the pies, Dad. Yeah.

This is your life now. No, it's all right. Because, like, you could not make pies, but I'll just go, bye, bye. And I'll fuck the pie. I'm going to fuck the pie. I'm going to fuck the pie. It doesn't matter what you do for me or not, Dad.

All we can be sure of is those pies, I'm going to fuck them. I'm going to fuck the pies. It doesn't matter what you do for me or not, Dad. All we can be sure of is those pies, I'm going to fuck them. I'm going to fuck the pies. I'm going to fuck the American pie. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've also been Joel. These episodes, they just keep getting better. Do you want more of this bullshit but don't want the commitment of Sandspans Plus?

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