Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Exploit a Night at the Museum? (Ft. Ralph America)

Episode Date: April 21, 2019

Sign up to our newsletter here; http://eepurl.com/cM3in9Join our facebook group here; https://www.facebook.com/groups/535280830149669/Check out our upcoming lives shows right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/Watch us stream here; https://www.twitch.tv/sanspantsradioYou can now physically send us stuff to PO BOX 7127, Reservoir East, Victoria, 3073Theme music by the wonderfully talented Benny Davis! You can find all his stuff at his website https://bennydavismusic.com or check out his YouTube https://youtube.com/bennythejukeboxWant to help support the show?Sanspants+: https://sanspantsplus.comPodkeep: https://sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: https://audiobooksontape.comMerch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail]: https://twitter.com/sanspantsradioWebsite: http://www.sanspantsradio.comFacebook: https://facebook.com/SanspantsRadioReddit: https://reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Jackson: https://twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadDuscher: https://twitter.com/dusch13Zammit: https://twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sans Pants Radio. Let's just jump right in. well. Then on Friday, Zamet, Cass, Adam and myself gather around the living room table and play one of the many, many, many board games we foolishly purchased. And then on Sunday, Zoe and myself fight over who gets to have the controller and therefore control over our joint house in The Sims 4. So don't be a sook and head to twitch.tv slash sanspantsradio and subscribe

today. today hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of plumbing the death star where we ask important questions like how would you exploit a night at the museum so everyone remembers quite clearly the Night at the Museum trilogy, yeah? The most underrated Yes, and for those who haven't Ben Stiller has a son who hates him

And so to impress his son, he gets a job at the museum, where there is an artifact which kind of looks like a Kinect Fawcett but it's made of Egyptian gold Ben Stiller gets this Night watchman job at the museum

From two other old Night watchmen right this is the first one And at night He discovers get this That every artifact in the museum Comes to life. He makes friends. I know.

Can you believe it? He makes friends with... I'm still upset that that plot spoiler was ruined on the poster. You just thought... You wanted to go into it thinking it was going to be a movie about a night watchman having a regular life. Ben Stiller deals with the boring nature of an overnight job. think it was going to be a movie about a night watchman having a regular life ben steele deals with the boring nature of an overnight job like a sad depressing look at like a man suffering from middle age crisis i can't connect with my son so i have to get a job but as if he were a night

yeah except reverse because it's like, not a happy ending. So he makes friends with the museum artifacts, including Robert Williams. They come to life. Huh? They come to life. At night. Only at night. Only at night. And then he discovers that the old men have also been using the artifact to gain powers,

because it makes them young again. I do not remember this wrinkle in the plot. Yeah, there's a whole fight scene between Ben Stiller and the two old Night Watchmen, who are now superhumanly strong. But he turns off the artifact, and they... Okay, so... Is that the plot? They're the villains, yeah.

So the powers of the artifact are to get well the power of this egyptian gold is to get museum statues life but also they give old men powers i think it's to give old men powers like it's got a youth a euthanizer not a youth oh my god that is a bad the exact opposite of what that artifact actually does. It somehow makes museum artifacts less real. Hey look, I found this artifact. It says poison. I think it's just bleach.

What if I drink it? Oh, I'm getting so young again. Oh no, that's a euthanizer. I found this artifact called putting a gun in my mouth. Whoa, ancient people were crazy. I found this artifact called putting a gun in my mouth. Whoa. Ancient people were crazy. Bang, bang. At least he's not suffering anymore.

Legalize euthanasia. I think the main function of it was to like give youth. And it just so happened to coincidentally bring statues of, like, Sacagawea and stuff to life. So is it a thing where it sucks the youth out of statues? No, because it gives them the statues. So it's a byproduct. Yeah, I guess so. An unintended consequence.

Anyway, that's not at the museum one. Ben Stiller defeats the evil security guards. Hang on, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. So you had this artifact that's made from Egyptian gold, so clearly ancient Egyptians were using it to, I guess, make them last longer or live longer. Is it a curse that's put on it? Maybe.

So the byproduct of making things appear alive, what were the ancient Egyptians using that for? I don't know. Mummies, maybe? Yeah, mummies was going to be my first guess as well. The Egyptians love mummies. I feel like it's got something to do with King Tut Who I think is a character in the first one

No see Come the sequel Hank Azaria Yeah Hank Azaria plays some kind of mummy guy Night at the Museum 2 This time we're elsewhere They go to another museum They're at the Smithsonian in that one right?

The Smithsonian that's right They go to the Smithsonian in that one, right? The Smithsonian, that's right. They go to the Smithsonian. It's basically the same plot, except now the old man is replaced by an ancient Egyptian ruler. Not a real one. He's a statue of one, I'm fairly sure. And he... Or he's the...

No, he's the statue of one. And he uses his powers to... All I'm trying to do is wonder if it was like in ancient times bc what were they using this artifact for that's another question anyway i run into the same problem with this franchise that i run into with the portraits in harry potter too because like when you okay so dumbledore dies right like he fucking snuffs it got him and then he's asleep in his portrait. Push him off a bridge. And sometimes it seems like he has to visit all of his portraits individually,

but sometimes it just seems like portraits can be whatever. Yeah, yeah. That's a good question because, yeah, sometimes there's an empty portrait, but there are so many. How many Dumbledores are there? Right? Like he's a really famous guy. And what's his name? Black.

One of the. Serious Black? Regulus Black? Like, he's a really famous guy. And what's his name? Black. One of the- Sirius Black? Regulus Black? No, maybe. Glorious Black? Glorious Black, who's like, I can go from the painting where Creature is, but also the painting in the office of Dumbledore's home. What does the-

We get a little bit of that in Night at the Museum, though, because there's like that creepy bust of Teddy Roosevelt in the Smithsonian instead of the life-size statue of him over in the... Yeah, so is that the same Teddy Roosevelt, or is that just another... I think it's a statue that thinks it's Teddy Roosevelt. Yeah, but Teddy Roosevelt's one of them. Yeah, well, they don't have the taxidermed Teddy Roosevelt up on display, man.

It's not the real Ted Roosevelt. So museums are not as exciting as I want them to be. I just pulled up the Wikipedia page because I was like, surely there'll be a simple explanation to what the Egyptian tablet was used for in Egypt. That is definitely something they would have had to explain. And we're probably just forgetting. Roosevelt explains that the Egyptian artifact, the golden tablet of Pharaoh someone, came to the

museum in 1952 and all the exhibitions came to life each night. There you go. No explanation. Thanks for playing. Ah. Anyway, now that the museum three, this time we're overseas. Yes. Also, if they're outside of the museum, when the sun comes up they turn to dust. Dust? No, they just

turn, don't they turn back into the thing they... There's no stakes there, Jack. You gotta... Otherwise they'd just leave the museum. They definitely turn to dust. That's so weird. I swear I remember them not turning to dust but

returning to artifact form. Do you know how I know? Because I'm still holding my phone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And what happens in third? They're overseas're overseas not in the museum three we're overseas now they go overseas to some other museum to find the secret of the tomb that that's right rebel wilson plays a security guard um she is the night watchman of that museum she has a british accent for some reason and the plot of that one is that the Egyptian family that potentially made the

tablet want it back or something. Okay. Rami Malek plays a hot mummy. Are these the modern descendants of that family? Or are they alive from the tablet? They're alive from the tablet. Okay. I was going to say, it's nice that they kept records, but I guess they're siphoning off life

from... Okay. At the end of that one, and this is why I thought they returned to artifact form, they're all out in London somewhere, and the artifact is slowly losing power, that's it, and they have to take it back to Egypt or some such shit, and it's losing power, and everybody's returning to artifact form and teddy roosevelt's arms are all waxy and rami malek who's a hot mummy is dying inside he's becoming rotten um even though his outside is beautiful uh and in the end real huh exactly

and at the end of that movie they're like i, I'm sorry, Ben Stiller, but we can't be alive anymore. And Ben Stiller's like, but you're my best friends. And they're like, too bad, idiot. And so they all become statues and mummies again. Okay. Except Ricky Gervais, who is at the museum. And in the film. Yeah, he owns the museum.

At the end of the third one, for no reason, there's a dance sequence. Because throughout the whole movie, Ricky Gervais doesn't know. He doesn't know that the artifacts come to life. They're like, we can't be friends with you anymore, Ben Stiller. But the last shot is them all dancing with Ricky Gervais. Well, I guess they like Ricky Gervais over Ben Stiller. I guess they could hang out with him now. Or maybe it's, I don't know, maybe it's just a reference to the 40-year-old virgin, how that just ends in the Aquarius bit.

Either that or it was just a really savage friend dumping on their part. They're like, oh, we've got to tell them that the tablet doesn't work anymore and we're all going to turn back into cardboard. And then at the end they just dance with their best friend, Ricky Gervais, and they dump Ben Stiller like I would. This whole time. It's just been besties with Ricky. and they dump Ben Stiller like I would. This whole time. Hells yeah. Just been besties for three.

All right. Well, how would I exploit this? So given the information that has been given to me over the course of the last 10 minutes. It basically works in Indian in the carpet. So what I would do. Okay. So I would go, if I have the artifact.

It's always good to explain a very common, like a very popular film franchise with a more obscure one. And also, I was just wrong. Indian in the Cupboard, they take Native American people from prehistory and turn them into little people using a toy as a conduit. It's not Indian in the Cupboard rules. Anyway, go on. That's pretty cool. Either way.

That rules. All right. So how I'd exploit this artifact I'd simply get the artifact, then I would go to a bank And then I would put it in a Little deposit box things And then I would wait for night time Now I don't know in like say

America or say Other places, but there is usually A statue Of a dog In a bank that you can put coins in. And it usually is for like a help guide dog. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's in a lot of banks in Australia is that.

Or at least as I remember when I would be to a bank. They're usually not in banks, usually in supermarkets. Yeah, I associate them with supermarkets. But cool. There was one in a bank. Damn, it's chosen a bank. And it's money. It's far easier for you to go in and be like hey can i put this gold i have is this a safety deposit box is that is this definitely

real or are you confused about like because i know that in front of a lot of establishments there'll be a thing where it's some kind of statue of like either an animal or a vehicle and you can put coins in it and then ride it for a short time no no no do you think that's some kind of donation like do you think the ones for the rocket ship are for uh the widows of like space disaster astronauts i'm getting a cool ride as a child i absolutely did think that the donation dogs i had the opposite i remember putting a coin in and sitting on it and being like nothing's happening. I remember the one, the bank

I used to go to as a child. My parents used to go to as a child. The supermarket you used to go to as a child. It was a bank. It was a Westpac. They used to have a dog there. Maybe, hopefully, they still do. Anyway, let's assume it does. So I go in. If it's not, I go and steal

a guide dog statue, and I put it in there. I get a high-vis vest. And a ladder. And a ladder, and I'm like, this is going in here. I'm not stealing anything. I have stolen the dog, but I'm just moving it from a supermarket to a bank.

It's in the bank. Good. In the vault? No. Are you like, please can I put my gold and guide dog donation box in a security deposit box? No.

Separate occasions. Actually, I could just put the artifact gold in the guide dog, yeah? No, it's the size of a book. It's a tablet. So it's not coins. I know it is very, very, very famous

Egyptian... Pop culture has obviously been like, if there's a cursed Egyptian object, it's coins. It's riches. $50. Joke's on me, though, because in Pirates of the Caribbean it is coins. That's Aztec.

Exactly. Get the coins. Put them in... Get the coins. Get the tablet. Get the tablet. Make coins out of the tablet. Put those coins in a safe deposit box. I like to imagine you fuck up and you accidentally have the Pirates of the Caribbean gold, so you put the

coins in the dog. You're like, that dog's gonna come alive, but what happens? It cuts night time and then you become a skeleton. Why? Shit! It doesn't help me at all. Tablets in a safe deposit box. What happens it cuts night time and then you become a skeleton Why Shit It doesn't help me at all Tablets in a safe deposit box Fail of all time So

Tablets in a safe deposit box Statue of dog is in the bank I wait until night Dog comes alive Sir please leave this bank we have closed Best response. No. I'm not there.

I'm somewhere else. Okay. I wait till the dog comes to life. I go up to the window. I'm like, good boy, I gave you sentience. Open this door. We're robbing this bank. The dog goes, I'm like shit

it's just a dog now I did not think that this was ending with you robbing the bank well it didn't end with him robbing the bank because he realized multiple steps through this that it just isn't going to work but you committed and still went to the bank I'm like come on dog then

that dog is the worst accomplice for robbing a bank because it's already loaded It's full of money You're just going to get that dog out of there And then you get that guide dog money Then I'm like god damn it I got a dog stuck there I call up I don't know a fireman

RSPCA Yeah triple zero in Australia 9-1-1 in America And be like hey a bank stole my dog. Wait, no. Zemit, this could work. Come and get it for me. Your stupid plan could actually work.

Yes. What you do, you get action figures of some kind of crack team, you know, like some G.I. Joes or the A-Team or something, right? Yeah, yeah. you know like some gi joes or the a team or something right and you put them in a deposit box and you leave like a little recording for them so that when night time comes you give them their mission which is to break the fuck out of that box and get you into the bank i really like the idea of like nothing happens and the next day you go and check your deposit box and they've killed each other you're like oh my god they fought like crabs in a bucket shouldn't have done that also loving the idea of the fire department arriving at the bank i mean

like this dog is a hole in its hands full of coins what this dog is made of plastic okay all right so we get like we got to get figurines that love a good heist okay and so we put them in the safe department so okay best case scenario they break out of that vault and then they're like little tiny little figurines running through the uh the bank uh the floor of the bank but then they have a giant dog to deal with yeah because i haven't changed my plan you've also got something that uh you haven't taken into consideration yeah and this is probably more associated with american money yeah but you're putting the tablet in a bank yeah which usually has historical figures on the money oh yeah yeah the the money will be alive sick and scream yeah and they will be come walk out the door

money will be like you fucks they're like no wait that's get oh wait if it doesn't give them legs and also they will turn to dust money's worthless wait so is it just anything with a face this stuff yeah this thing brings to life because like pretty much then like all of it or something okay all right in a bank that is a mess because george washington our first president here in america who is on the money was famously honest. Damn it. Yeah, you're in trouble, man. All right, what if I draw a shitty version of myself on a piece of paper and put that in the bank vault?

It's great to imagine Annie telephoning that and being like, what the fuck? A child's drawing, I guess. Well, no, no, no, because something close to this happens in Night at the Museum, kind of. In Night at the Museum 3, one that I haven't seen,

I don't know why I'm explaining this. Night at the Museum, kind of. In Night at the Museum 3, one that I haven't seen, I don't know why I'm explaining this. Night at the Museum. So Larry, who is Ben Stiller's character, is working at the museum, and then they bring in a caveman statue that looks heaps like Ben Stiller, whose name is La, who thinks that Ben Stiller's his dad. Which is crazy, because it's not like it's an actual caveman. That's just a wild coincidence that it looks like Ben Stiller's his dad. Which is crazy because it's not like it's an actual caveman.

That's just a wild coincidence that it looks like Ben Stiller. Also in that movie, La and Rebel Wilson fall in love. Gross. And I remember as a child, not as a child. This movie came out like four years ago. I remember watching that and being like, it's rough for Rebel Wilson that we as an audience are like a caveman. The perfect partner for you, Rebel Wilson.

But look, they seemed happy. So who am I to judge? That's nice. Yeah. The thing with, like, he's not even a real, like what you said, that he's not even a real caveman. He's just a wax whatever. But he somehow has all the knowledge of a caveman

because he looks like one. Yeah. All of the not that much knowledge because he's dumb. Yeah, he's a dum-dum. That's true. Cavemen don't know much. But that means that your dog has all the knowledge of a dog. Okay, cool.

All right, so I'm there banging on the window. The dog has come to life. Small soldiers that I've left in the bank vault have also come to life. They're stuck there because they're not probably capable of getting out of that vault. The dog is freaking out, running around, touching every sensor pad, setting off all the alarms. I scarper into the night. Have I succeeded?

What does the bank think happened? Also, apparently the money is now screaming. Listen, if his crack team of tiny men has done their job correctly, the bank won't think nothing the bank will come in the next morning they'll arrive there'll be the statue the plastic dog that they used to donate money has its throat slit somehow money pouring out the neck people like what the fuck happened here you well i know that finding it we found two dogs at my work once yeah they just got into the cinema and at no point i was on that

day and there was like four other managers and at no point were we like where'd the dogs come from we're just like oh sweet dogs at no point were you like we can pack at the museum yeah we're just really excited to see dogs i mean the same thing would happen at the bank. They're like, oh. They've just been like, the dog's got in somehow. Don't worry about that. Let's just be excited that there's a dog. And then when morning comes, it turns into a statue. That poor dog.

But the dog doesn't become like a real dog. It would just be an animated plastic dog with a hole in its head. Yeah. So you would not. You'd be like, I'm going to pet that. Oh, feels wrong. No, no, no. The real.

No, if it's plastic, it stays plastic. Are you sure? Yeah. So Rebel Wilson was macking on with wax. Basically. Yeah, because all those Einstein bobbleheads. Yeah. If you're like a perfect wax figure, maybe you become a bit human.

But that dog's made of just like thick cheap plastic sure is it's gonna have a hole in his head yeah true i have an important question yes so even the best wax sculptures or whatever in the museum right like never quite look exactly like real people but when they come to life they look exactly like real people you know this goes for like the little tiny plastic guys in the dioramas of like the civil war battles or the roman battles or whatever like those things look like crap

in real life but when they become alive from the tablet they look you know 100% true to life so my question is do they have dicks um great question I want to say yeah The question is, do they have dicks? Great question. I want to say yeah, definitely. I'm going to say yes, heaps.

I'm going to say 100% because else Rebel Wilson's going to be sad-timed. However. Yeah. So. Oh, the famous blowjob scene where it's funny because there's no dick. Well. I made that up. Because in the first one, Sacagawea and...

Larry? No, President Mayor. Larry? What's his name? President Larry. Washington. Washington? Is it Washington?

Roosevelt. Oh, no, Roosevelt. Roosevelt. Roosevelt. Roosevelt and Sacagawea fall in love. That's good. But they're really sad. Now, the movie

wants you to think they're sad because they're wax statues you can never really love, but maybe neither of them have genitals, and that's what's upsetting them. Maybe. It's a bummer. What happens with Weber, Wilson, and Lahr? They don't show any fucking.

Is there implied fucking? The third one takes a wild Tonal shift from the previous movie And show it Actual hardcore full penetration Full penetration Night of the Museum 3 full penetration Um no

But there is making out Maybe at some point Rebel reaches down and finds nothing but a smooth lump. I mean, look, they're statues, right? And they're made of plastic. So if I just got a plastic dildo and just jammed it in there. That's true. Oh, you like tape it on before they come to life? Wait, or would it be two separate entities?

Oh, would it be? Yeah. Like jam it in and kind of maybe get some like other wax to kind of like you know make a sealant or I don't know what the rules are but I suspect all you'd end up with is like Roosevelt with someone else's purple penis I was gonna get like a life like looking one okay someone else's fake

penis he just comes to life and he's like oh Larry what are you doing installing flashlights in all the Larry please don't. No, I think I need to do this. It's too late. I'm doing it for you guys.

Now here's a quick word from our sponsors. Also, Plumbing the Death Star is great, but did you know that here at SansPants we produce at least six other podcasts? For example, off the top of my head, if you like listening to me and Zama get yelled at, then maybe you'd like hearing us get yelled at whilst pretending to be wizards if that's the case then why not head to sanspantsradio.com and listen to dnd is for nerds our actual play dnd podcast

that's much better than it has any right to be um what i do it's funny because i also went for money but now how did i do well no no I do well? No. Bad job. Everyone would get a good job or a bad job. Alright, I got a bad job. How'd the dog do? The dog did great. No, it had a throat slit. How did the small soldiers do? They fought each other to death inside of a

locked safety deposit box. I'm going to take the controversial stance and say, good job. Thank you. Three bad jobs and a good job. That's right, you gave yourself a bad job. Yeah, dude. So I was thinking, what if I got the artifact, took it home, steal it from a museum.

Step one. Then I made out of paper mache or felt or paper gold bars. And then I activated it. Do paper gold bars and then I activated it. Do the gold bars become real gold? Do they have a face? No.

And you're asking this question after presumably you've done it. You've rolled the dice here and I can tell you something, even if it does happen, they're turning to dust when you take them out of the museum. I'm just going to use them at night.

Is it in the museum or out of the building that the artifact is in? Wherever the artifact is, that's all you need to keep the gold going. Yeah. So keep that on me at all times. This isn't bad, because you don't even have to wait until that late at night. Like, you could do it in the winter, and you could start spending that stuff, like, fairly early in the afternoon. Absolutely. My real big problem is that I don't know who accepts gold bars.

Yeah, they'll say, who, wait, where are you, where, where? Okay, forget the gold bars. I just instead make cash. Like, I draw my own cash. So when it comes to life, yeah. That's funny, because it'll be hideous versions Of the people that should be on the notes Or with like Lopsided faces

Two eyes on one side Jackson didn't know who I was He just drew me With a beard I've been imbued with the power Like Who is on our notes And Beneluk You've fucked yourself here because Like, what? Who is on our notes?

And, Ben, look. You've fucked yourself here because you're like, oh, yeah, sweet. I'll spend this cursed money that is screaming. No one's going to take that. I just draw everyone with, like, a gag in their mouth. Yeah, never mind. But they're still moving. Gold bars.

Screaming money is notoriously hard to spend. Look, if you go through a cash for gold place... Yeah, that'll accept anything. But, again, not open at night. This is a unique note where Banjo Patterson is being gagged. Ah! How does it...

Also, people don't usually say unique note. They say counterfeit. Yes. That is another way to say it don't usually say unique note. They say counterfeit. Yes. That is another way to say it, yes. Unique note. So you made the gold. I think gold is probably easier to get rid of than fake cash that is screaming.

All I've got to do is... It's gagged and it's going... I've just got to go... I've got to hand it over to the guy. Does it even make gold... How does the power of the artifact work? Because suddenly we're giving things sentience and ability to walk and talk and be like humans.

Where does gold come into this? Yeah, gold doesn't. It doesn't fit into any of that. Well... And the other question about that too is if the gold comes to life, does it have a dick? Yeah.

Where's this gold dick? Well, that's just as bad as screaming money if it's a gold bar with a big floppy thing. I can chop that off and that's more gold, I guess. That's true. I'm trying to think if at any point in the Night at the Museum movie, I don't know if anything that's real comes to more life. I don't know if anything that's real comes to more life. Because, like, I just, like, if Ben Stiller or Larry got, say, a yellow texter and just scribbled, just drew something,

does that come to life? What? You're changing the rules. Absolutely not. Okay. Okay. Okay. So, is this? Hang on.

I've just got the rating come in. Oh, bad job. No, wait. No, wait. No, wait. okay. So is this... Hang on, I've just got the rating come in. Oh, bad job. No, wait, no, wait, no, wait. Okay. No, damn. Oh, sorry, there's a delay because I'm in America, but the rating just came in over here as bad job as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I have some confirmation from some independent sources where it's a bad job. What about instead of making counterfeit gold, I'm making... Oh, my God, it's an email from the British Prime Minister. Theresa May a bad job. What about instead of making counterfeit gold, I'm making... Oh my God, it's an email from the British Prime Minister. Theresa May says bad job. What about if instead of making gold bars...

Jackson, you gotta see what Dushu just texted me. It's just that Jackson did a bad job. Curse you all. Holy fuck, is that some skywriting guy? Oh, it's just bad going on It's a bad job Bad job Jack The whole world knows Alright I'll accept a bad job

No that's seriously please Wait before you do I just I got something on my old Fuck this joke Would have worked out really great if I had remembered The word telegraph and now it's over So bad job me. Hey, Ralph, the joke committee just sent me

an email. No, don't turn this on me. I can't take it. I'm not strong like Jackson. Alright, alright, Ralph. Ralph Dusha. I think I've got this in the bag. I think I have the first ever recorded good job. All right.

Because what I'm going to do is I'm going to use it to solve murders. Oh! Oh. Because the Night at the Museum wax figurines, when they come to life, seem to have the memories of the characters, well, the famous historians they are yeah presumably so people like amelia airheart who is in the second one yeah hey if i was larry i could just like where'd your plane go in fact they do ask her she just can't quite remember like is it no no no wait wait wait she doesn't quite remember where she crashed

because all she can remember is like like not all she can remember is in like all she saw was like fog and that so she's like i don't know where i crashed on and i've got hit by crabs we all know what happened to amelia she was eaten by those big crabs it's not even a joke that's definitely what happened to her yeah anyway my big crab eaten by big crabs. Yeah. I'm sorry. Can we back up? Yeah. We know that she was eaten by big crabs. One of the leading theories due to some photographic evidence

and I think some physical evidence as well is that Amelia Earhart landed on this tiny strip of an island somewhere full of those giant Japanese spider crabs, and they ate her. Not even... I'm not pulling your dick right now. I know. Amelia Earhart was eaten to death by big crabs

is one of the theories. Look, at least her body... Nobody's brave enough to confirm it. Look, no. I would say she probably crashed, she died, and her body was eaten by i like to think she crashed survived and spent maybe one week fending off the big crash i'll go even farther in the other direction legs and a giant crab claw came out of the ocean plucked

her plane from the sky like a delectable snack cracked it open and slurped her flesh from her bones. See you on Crab Island, Amelia. Well, you know, I like Ralph's theory because then that works for my mystery solving theory, which is like, she doesn't know how she died because all of a sudden she was in the air and then she was eaten by a crab. Well, rather than solving crimes, couldn't you just

become a really good autobiographer? Yeah, that's a lot of exciting stuff. Yeah, and that's too much writing my wrist would get tired when you first said self-crimes can i tell you what i thought self-murders self-murders sorry i thought so you become a detective yeah you arrive on the crime scene dead body on the bed stab wound in the chest pull out the artifact flip they're like it's like again like a thing. Flip it up, and then the dead body will be like, I am alive again. I know who shot me.

I'll be like, no crime to solve anymore. And then I leave. And then he goes. And then slowly they turn to dust. Why did you do this to me? Enjoy death a second time, idiot. Insulting murder. You love causing legal trouble.

I've been declared dead officially I have no rights what happened to my rights gotcha idiot and you get a convertible when you're driving the tablets and I can become a lawyer where I just defend people that are definitely guilty I just accept all cases I go to the murder scene straight

away yeah there's a guy holding a knife and the dead body I bring the dead body back to life. And he's written, I've done it in blood on the ground. Yeah. He's like, now you're just going to... I like in your world where a murderer stabs someone and then waits for the cop to come over. You've got arrested straight away. Yeah.

Yeah, if you do a bad thing, you wait for the cops. That's how everyone's moral compass works, right? If you ever speed, you've got to pull over and call the cops on yourself i did it just earlier this week i thought you were just like both of you wait until someone does a cry like find someone who you think is a murderer oh no my real plan well yeah that and then i'm like don't worry i'll defend you or you coerce them into it too. You like embolden them. You show them good knife stores. I'll be like, hey, trouble with the ladies?

You know who didn't have trouble with the ladies? Ted Bundy. All you got to do is kill some people. Everyone wants to fuck you. And I'll be fine. I'll bring them back. I got this tablet. And they're like, please leave me alone.

Then you kill them out of frustration. If you make a statue of a real life person, and then you bring them back to life, you animate it to life with a tablet, that person gets the memories of you? Yes. Sorry, of the... Okay.

What about if you, say, hired someone to just make a version of me, and then I use the tablets and there's two of me kicking around? Yes, that's kind of what happens in the third night museum with laura and larry yeah yeah you're getting kind of close to my own scam as well so watch it i'm just sorry sorry to impede on scams get back to douches stabbing people no i'm not okay my initial plan i'm just curious of like if you go to a museum you you summon all these statues to life.

What kind of crimes are you solving? No, like long time murders and stuff like that. Long time murder. Ah, yes. Long time murder, first time caller. No, don't say that on the radio, idiot. We've got your details and your

phone number. Which museum are you going to and which murders or mysteries are you solving museum of modern murders forgot about that yeah yeah yeah all these corpses that are made of wax or something oh no not corpses made of wax because then they come back to life and they're just

dead bodies I'm like oh no I mean I guess you, I guess you could... I have to go. I guess you could solve, say, Jack the Ripper. Yep. Because you could get like... Hang on. If someone...

Because there's like Jack the Ripper museums, that kind of stuff. Marilyn Monroe? Hey, what happened? JFK kill you? You know what? Died of an overdose. Is everything okay?

Yeah, but if it was an intentional overdose... I don't know. I just did a lot of drugs. It's hard to tell. It's funny if everyone who got murdered has like an Amelia Earhart. I'm just not sure. And you're like, ah! If you go to Jack the Ripper Museum.

It turns out it was always giant crabs. And Jack the Ripper, like a statue of Jack the Ripper is there, but no one knows who that was. Is that actually Jack the Ripper or is it crab in a frock coat that hates prostitutes? Yeah. That was Jack the Ripper, man.

A crab. My name is Jack the Snipper for my snippy hands. Ah, all these stab wounds are actually snip wounds. They were crab wounds. Yeah, so if you go to Jack the Ripper Museum and there's a statue of what we think Jack the Ripper,

does that Jack the Ripper think it is Jack the Ripper or does it know that it is a facsimile or a composite of what people think is Jack the Ripper? Also, what about statues that aren't of real historical people? They're just approximations of what we think of dudes. Well, because 99% of the characters... I'm not solving caveman crime because no one cares. I don't want to

find out who killed who. That's racist. Yeah. It's ageist. If you're over 150, shut up. I guess you're not solving Jack the Ripper. No, but... I don't care. I guess... Most of the statues in the

museum aren't real people. So there's like a Mongol kind of horde. They're not based on real people. They're just like. So what memories do they get? I guess I get like a rough approximation of what they would want. What about that Easter Island Moai head? It loves bubble gum.

That is just part of it. I guess they get a unique personality as well. And he loves two things. Chewing gum and calling Larry a dum-dum. Gum, gum, dum-dum or whatever he says. Dum-dum. So if you made Jack the Ripper, he would kind of have an approximation of what we think.

Did you do it? Yes! Wait a second. What's your real name? Jack! What's your real name? No one knows! Who was I? Can't be sure I'm very confused Was I a doctor? Or maybe just a man

What's my accent? Maybe I was multiple people Was I 14 people or was I the queen surgeon? No one's clear, I'm very confused Well then you get a statue of Sherlock Holmes The one's clear. I'm very confused. All right. Okay. Nah. All right. Well, then you get a statue of Sherlock Holmes.

This is the Amelia Earhart statue. Solve the crime, Sherlock. Moriarty did it. Dammit, Sherlock. So does the Amelia Earhart statue or other statues of historical figures, do they actually have genuine memories that that person would have or just approximations of what we reckon? I think it's approximations of what we reckon.

And Amelia, you're not solving crimes! Oh my god, I just got a text. Dusha, you did a bad job. What? That's funny. Hello, the queen? I did a good job, thank you so much your majesty. I didn't hear that phone ring at all

I went to the tattoo parlor You know that prophetic tattoo parlor And I got a tattoo on my stomach What is this? Oh, Joe Dushan did a bad job He tried to solve the Jack the Ripper case But instead it just got more convoluted And there's a man just screaming

In 13 different accents Bad job And the winner of this year's Bad job And it just got more convoluted. And there's a man just screaming in 13 different accents. Bad job! And the winner of this year's bad job is Joel Duscher. Joel Duscher for solving the crimes with the museum thing. This is Joel Duscher's first Academy Award for bad ideas. Thank you so much for having me. Look, I'd be lying if I said I wanted this award,

but it also feels good just to be on stage in front of all of these people. Thank you so much. Bohemian Rhapsody is overrated. Have a great night. And the music to play off. All right. So, bad job.

Three bad jobs. Ralph, bring us home. Alright, I had like a really involved one that I thought was real good. Okay. But then I remembered that there's a museum of sex. Bonaroma.

I'm gonna put a pin in that. We're gonna come back to that. But, I'm gonna biff Tannen this you guys are gonna have to take a little walk with me here I'm ready I'm gonna take some

money and give it to a person who makes wax statues and have them sculpt me just a few years older holding a newspaper with a headline that says today's date is 2030.

Put that in the museum. And then I'm going to ask him, maybe I should get a statue of somebody smarter than me, a little older, so that they pay attention to what's going on. No, no, no. Don't mess with perfection. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank yeah yeah thank you babe so put that in there he comes to life and then i get all the i get the i get the good the scoop on what's going

down and i just rich myself on it that is interesting because that implies that if you carve something from the future, then it has to happen. Or is it just be like, what happens future Ralph? The dolphins win the Super Bowl. My newspaper just says today's date on it. It says, Ralph is the best. The news today is the date I don't know what I meant to learn

from this It's 2030 and today's headline is The Plumbing Boys Did A Bad Job Could you give yourself a lie so well that you could convince yourself that you're telling the truth what so could say ralph are you a decent enough liar that you could believe that lie coming from yourself but ralph knows himself better than anyone else knows himself

because if you got a future ralph and then future ralph is like oh i know his plan i've got nothing future ralph's, he's trying to get rich off my success. Not on my watch. Yeah, you guys are probably right. I could not resist the temptation to fuck with myself. What if you paid someone to make a Future Ralph statue, but gave them a crown and fancy jewels like you were a king? But wouldn't they just think they were a king? Yes. jewels like you were a king but wouldn't they just think they were a king

yes what if you achieve i've just got i'm king ralph i've got step one step two to come to me no what you then do so you create king ralph yeah you just go visit king ralph at night and then just ask him heaps of questions about what it's like to be king and then you get like through photos metamorphosis and just enjoy being a king that sounds great given that the future of me is a king now the most important

question here is would I have a dick? if you sculpted one? alright go to the sculptor you go to the sculptor you go right, make me future Ralph with a king garb. Maybe give me some big old titties. And give me the sweetest pussy you can. And you fuck the shit out of future King Ralph.

Hell yeah. The idea of going to presumably a professional wax sculpture and being like hi i'd like you to sculpt me out of wax but give me the best vagina you have on your shelf also i gotta be a king why i don't know i feel like i'm stuck on this king i think the guy the guy running the wax shop is like oh my god sir you should have called the head and just shuts all the blinds like, let's do this. Take you to the restricted section of the wax museum. It's just full of genitals.

Like pushes the button and the countertop display like spins over and there's the secret one underneath with just the nice genitals. Finally. I'm thinking we're going to fit you with maybe the Gina Gershon I like that idea

I like the idea of being like I just need a working anus So this is just kind of circled back around to the museum of sex I feel like the museum of sex would be scary and smelly Yeah That's what I keep thinking Where is the museum of sex? Is it in a humid place? How old is the sex in the museum?

New York City? Is New York humid? Not really. In the summer. There is a bust of Hillary Clinton in a brassiere. Hell yeah! Alright, well, okay, step one. Go to the Museum of Sex in the winter

where it's not humid and gross because i feel that might fix that smell problem we've got i just imagine getting fucked to death you know like i go in there excited to fuck i'm like this is gonna roll it's a museum of sex and then i just get churned like butter until i'm i'm dead every hole filled yeah and then all every hole filled new holes are made those are filled they just find a smear and it's the most unsolved crime of the century how did this man die no one knows four boys go into the museum of Sex and we find four smears. This is the only scenario in which my question is moot. There are definitely dicks.

Oh, guarantee. You've got many dicks. More than you could ever handle. So what is in the Museum of Sex? As a man who does not know about the Museum of Sex until this very episode. Yeah, what are we looking at? Apart from a sexy Hillary Clinton bust. Yeah.

Is there anything else? Is that it? I've never actually been there. It's just a few miles from my house, and I've never been. Wow, you should go, Ralph. I have to assume it's just, like, old dildos, like that early thing that they used to cure hysteria, in quotes, that, you know, the fucking machine.

The fingering machine that doctors have. The steam-powered dildo because my hands are so tired from manipulating the woman's hysterical pussy. So just doing a quick Google image search of the Museum of Sex, this is already a bad idea. There's a statue of three deers humping. Yes. Get fucked to shit. Get fucked to shit by those deers There's a statue of pandas Humping Get fucked to death by those pandas

I think I'm just getting fucked to death by animals Guys Dolphins God damn it, here again There are two human Skeletons That seem to be At the moment of climax

Oh my god I gotta get to this museum There's bouncy boobs Let these skeletons Like big titties that just bounce everywhere Are they separate from a body? As a skeleton and a deer Fuck me to death and a big titty

Bounces up and down on my head to death and a big titty bounces up and down on my head till it's fried. No, there's a big titty bounce house. That's where I'm spending my whole time. It's all flesh now. That would be horrible. That's like a Cronenbergian nightmare. Okay, I have a quick question

because I'm looking at the deers, like the three deers fucking, right? Yeah. So when that comes to life, is that three separate deers or is it one monstrosity that's connected as it is in the picture walking towards me? Just get an email from NASA. It's one deer, baby.

That's what the subject says. What is NASA weighing in on this? I think the worst part of this museum. Two chimps making love missionary style. Imagine that crab walking towards you. Oh my God. That is fucking terrifying. Also, why is this chimp?

What? Why is that in the museum? There's just a nude chimp. Which old chimps are? Holding several mugs. I don't know why that's in the museum of sex. Is it erect? No, not really.

Not really or no? Half chub, maybe? The very worst part of this museum, I think, would be there's what looks like a rock climbing wall. But instead of having all the little rock handhold things, it's just casts of body parts. So it's like butts and open mouths and boobs and things. And that wall is terrifying, I think, when it's alive. Flash wall and it's screaming. So, look, I just got a quick text.

Jack, you got my phone. Could you quickly read that out? It just says bad job. Good job, it says. It says very good job. The best of all possible jobs. Excellent job, Ralph. Oh, my God, Ralph. Oh my god, Ralph!

This comes with prize money, it says. Ralph, I just got word, it's just been posted all over the internet, that Neil Armstrong's transmission from the 60s when he went to the moon has finally reached Earth. Don't do this. And all it says is oh my god, Ralph, you did a bad job. Also, the moon is fine.

Oh no, no. You know, we were talking about Amelia Earhart earlier. They found her crashed plane, and she'd written in rocks instead of an SOS. Bad job. Yeah, if you look at the case files of Jack the Ripper, some of the victims in blood have written, Oh no, Ralph,

you did a bad job. P.S. It was a big crab. Oh, this is embarrassing. I was just... I got an alert on my phone and that Chinese probe they sent to the dark side of the moon actually found Ralph, comma, bad job written out in craters.

Hey, before we finish, I just have one last thing I'd like to do with the tablet. Yeah? Take it to a zoo. Because it makes people really tough. So take it to a zoo and let the animals just go crazy. Oh my God, Jackson. Good job!

Is that a good job? That's a very good job. The giraffes are going fucking nuts. Everything escapes. I'm standing there in the middle shaking the tablet above my head. Fight! Fight! Be free! Ah, what a good job. Good job. The best job

there was the chimp who tore your head off. Preventing us from making horrible decisions with the tablet further. And on that note, I've been Joel, and I've done a on that note, I've been Joel and I've done a bad job. I've been Jackson and I've done a bad job. I've also been Joel and I've also done a bad job.

And I've been Ralph America and I've done a bad, bad job. Tablets are dangerous. Thanks for listening and if you want to follow us on Twitter you can find us at Sandspants Radio or you can find us individually I'm at Douche13 I'm at OldDogsOfDead

and I'm at GodDammitZammit If you want to hear our other shows you can head to SandspantsRadio.com and you'll find all our other content there There's heaps! And if you want to support us head to SandspantsPlus.com Thank you again for listening

and we'll see you again next time good night for now but not forever kisses