Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Exploit Alvin and the Chipmunks for Financial Gain or Personal Profit?

Episode Date: May 29, 2022

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Hey there, true believers. This is an announcement for all of those living in Melbourne. Here's some huge news for you. The Retreat Hotel in Brunswick has teamed up with this very show, Plumbing the Death Star, for a very special live show. On June 6th at 7pm, Plumbing the Death Star will be performing a live show at the Retreat Hotel. What makes it special, you ask? Well, that's very

simple. It's free entry. That's right. Zero dollars. Zilch. Nada. Totally free. It has a limited capacity, so make sure you get down early. You can grab some food, grab a drink, you know, just hang out. It's the bad content you know and love at the perfect price. Plumbing the Death Star at the Retreat Hotel, 6th of June, 7pm. It will be the most mayhem ever caused on a Monday night, and I hope to see you there. You're listening to the Sandspans Network. Hey everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star. I'm Joel. I'm Jackson.

And I'm also Joel. Well, we ask the important questions like, how would you exploit Elvin and the chipmunks for financial gain? Or personal profit? So Alvin and the Chipmunks. Alvin! Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's famously how Dave says it. Alvin!

Alvin! Not, Alvin! Because he's got one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's three talking chipmunks Alvin, Theodore Simon The normal guy

Nerd Cool boy Shy kid He just wears like a big jumper And these chipmunks talk like Human beings But high There. And these chipmunks talk like human beings. But high. But high bitch.

There's also the chip bats, which we don't have. They're unrelated to this story. Currently, we don't even know they exist. We have the only three talking chipmunks in existence. We think. We think. We've come across them somehow, found them in a plastic bag. Hopefully it would be a shoebox, but all right.

In a plastic bag. Okay. They've eaten through some road. Hopefully it would be a shoebox, but all right. In a plastic bag. Okay. They've eaten through some of the plastic. It's fine. Take them home. Make them breathe. On the counter. I found these chipmunks wearing clothes.

Hey, can I have a hot dog? Sorry. Hey, can I have a hot dog? Ah! And they talk. That's good if I screamed as well. I'm not used to it yet. Every single time they talk, you scream.

Oh, that's right. I know. I remember. I remember. I will get used to it. Every single time they talk you scream Oh that's right I remember I will get used to it Hey guys dinner time Thanks fellow Oh my fucking god Oh that's right

Sorry It's just you gotta understand this is fucked up Yeah we understand Oh Jesus So they not only do they talk

they speak English at a pretty decent level as well and high pitched Yeah I think they speak full on normal English English, but just high-pitched. It's not even like a baby version. No, no, no, they just speak English. They're like, me, Alvin, me want cookie.

That's horrible. I'd flush them. I'd scream. I'd hit them with my shoe. I'd take off my shoe and squish them on the counter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Chipmunks are big enough that if you crush them on the counter, that's a bad clean-up job.

The horrible thing about a chipmunk is it's big enough I hit it with my shoe it might not die that is bad Alvin and the chipmunks why is Alvin so Alvin, Simon, Theodore

fuck you Alvin are they fair enough it's just the name of the band like it's not that it happens why he take point it's like Jason and the Argonauts

that's fair enough yeah look I get it yeah fair Josie the Pussycats yeah although she doesn't want to be called that that's fair Lu and the Argonauts. That's fair enough. Yeah, look, I get it. Yeah, fair enough. Josie and the Pussycats? Yeah. Although she doesn't want to be called that. That's fair.

Lucia and the Fuckwits? Yeah. Makes sense. So are they bigger than regular chipmunks? I don't think so. No, I think they're normal size. They're the same size as the chip-ats. Who we don't know exist. What?

What can you just say? You know this talking dog? It's the same size as another lady talking dog. Is Donatello an oversized for a Ninja Turtle? Well, he's the same size as Michelangelo. Well, yeah, yeah. But no, but if they were two separate, if there was another set of Ninja Turtles,

I'd be like, well, they're the same size as the other two. That would tell you nothing! What do you mean? I'm just saying, are they regular? Are they bigger than a regular chipmunk? I think they actually are, because chipmunks are actually shockingly small. So actually thinking about it now, I think they're a little bit.

What I thought was a toddler was actually a talking chipmunk. It's big. No, Alvin and the chipmunks still fit in like a palm of a hand. Yeah, but I think a chipmunk is like, is really small. The same size as a palm of a hand, which is what you're gesturing. No, that's smaller than a palm of a hand. Because I think Alvin comes up to like here. He's like the size of a meerkat.

Big is Alvin. I love how this is going to tie into how we're making money off the chipmunks. I'm just confused. Actually, that would be sick if they were like, this is a slightly bigger gorilla. Give me something for scale, Google. You fucks. I'll go to hand.

You gotta look up which chipmunks get in the best head. That is gonna tell you the size of the chipmunks. Okay, real chipmunks. I'm pretty sure real chipmunks are tiny. Yeah, they are. Yeah, and Alvin and the chipmunks are like decently, they're not toddler size, but they're like the size of like a Barbie doll from memory.

Oh, no. I would say they're a bit bigger than a chipmunk. What are you learning about the chipmunks? I hate whatever it is. Please don't let that be true. What? So a chipmunk is four to seven inches. Yeah.

Alvin is 12 inches. Oh, my God. He's huge. So it's a big chipmunk. It's quite a bit bigger than a regular chipmunk. It's like more than, maybe triple the size of a regular chipmunk. Yeah, maybe that is enough to like

make some money. It's huge. Yeah, Alvin is one foot tall. Yeah, that's really big. Yeah. Think about a subway foot-long sandwich. I think if I try to kill him with my shoe shoe he just grabs it Not today, come! Oh my god, what if you get him?

Get him, get him! He's gonna kill me! He's got hands and thumbs, he could stab us He's gonna kill me with actual weapons He's gonna come down my mouth, ass first and shit in my throat till I die I'm selling them to simon cowell simon cowell now or at the height of his face no right now today i'm calling up simon because i think he's touchable now yeah that's true but i think

he'd be hungry for his next big break yeah okay singing chipmunks at least will give him a new reality tv show can you sing better than the Chipmunks? Okay, okay, okay. Great, great. I love the premise. However, do you think that the people, like the everyday citizen now, is going to fall head over feet for Chipmunk music like they did in the 90s? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, you mean in the 80s, in the 90s,

and then again when they made the Chipmunk movies in the 2000s? It's almost like it's the perfect time to strike. And also, what's that fucked up genre? Nightcore? Nightcore is basically chipmunks, right? You know Nightcore? What's Nightcore? It's like chipmunks and fast music or some shit.

Look up Nightcore, Dushan, you little machine. Get out your little spout. Like N-I-G-H-T or K-N-I-G-H-T or N-I-T-E. I'm gonna love with you fellas. How I've picked up this information, I don't know. And there's an artist called Nightcore.

Is that who you mean? I don't think so. Oh, Nightcore music genre. Oh, wait, no. Nightcore art. Oh, wait, no. Nyko art. All right. Well, let's see what this sounds like.

Oh, this sounds like an ad. Oh, good. Yeah. Okay. Great. I'm not paying for Google.

I have a fucking YouTube red or whatever. Yeah. YouTube red. Let's find out. Okay. I'll skip forward. That does not sound like a chipmunk. Hang on.

Do you mean Hyperpop? No. Because, yes, Hyperpop has high-pitched vocals. There's some stuff with it, I guess. That doesn't sound like Alvin and the Chipmunks. But imagine Alvin and the Chipmunks over the top of it. Okay. I feel like I'm gonna get...

What is wrong with you? Actually, you know what's wrong with you? You took a swing. Yeah. And unfortunately, it was something that we could easily fact check. I feel like I'm going to get vindicated when this episode comes out. To be honest, that's my belief. We were skipping ahead.

You didn't hear it. We didn't hear the whole song. Okay. Look, either way. It was a mix, so that was three different songs I played, but that's okay. All right, never mind. So you skipped ahead a couple things. Maybe there is a little bit. Maybe he's getting confused. Either way. 100 Gecs kind of sound that was three different songs I played, but that's okay. All right, never mind. So you skipped ahead a couple things. Maybe there is a little bit.

Maybe he's getting confused. 100 Gex kind of sound like Alvin and the Chipmunks. There you go. 100 Gex. Hi, Popop. Did Alvin and the Chipmunks, the new one, like, I guess, that had sequels. Well, here's the thing. That had a squeakle.

There's Alvin and the Chipmunks. There's Alvin and the Chipmunks, the squeakle. The squeakle. There's Road Chip. Yeah, and Chipwrax. Yeah, Chipwrax. I'm just thinking, imagining in the 80s and 90s why it was so popular. I was a fucking kid then.

Yeah, yeah. As not a child, I'm like, surely people aren't listening. But I guess they are. Absolutely. But children, I mean, Dusha, what's your reality TV show aimed at? Is it aimed at kids? Well, I think, I mean, it could be. No, no, no.

As in like The Masked Singer, for instance. That concept sounds like it would be aimed towards children, but adults lose their fucking mind for it. Because people, stupid. You know what you've done? How much are you selling him to Simon Cowell for? Whatever he's paying. You've lost money.

No matter what you are doing, you've lost money. Yeah, but it's still made money. How much do you reckon he's going to offer you? Yeah. What would you settle for? What would you settle for? Yeah, what would you settle for? What's the minimum amount?

I would settle. See, I wouldn't be a fucking idiot and settle for just like 100%, just like a purchase and be like this plus X amount of this. Okay. I'd do the Harrison Ford Star Wars technique.

Someone in Star Wars took a car. Mark Hamill. Yeah, where you get merch. Merch sales. But none of the- No,

but no, no, no, it wouldn't, it would be like, it would be hard because I wouldn't know exactly what he's going

to use them for. Yeah. You can't be like, here's the chipmunks, but on the proviso you make a reality TV, someone can't eat them.

Yeah, he's like, do it, he's fucking it. I'll take x amount of money plus 10 of a profit of whatever you do with them he just sends you like a little bit of meat in the mail you ate these chipmunks yeah yeah yeah damn right i did it sounds like that now delicious i'm a gal became a cockney yeah it's a yes from me gov it's a yes from me governor i've eaten the chipmunks delicious um yeah so would you go on x factor yeah with the chipmunks like how are you basically getting them to the point where simon cowell is like oh yeah i know i just call like as in i'm just like

i don't think first because he needs a hit he's he's dying for a call from you and he's not gonna be like the call is like you have to go through his agent. He's like, oh, by the way, Simon Cowell, there is a man in Australia. I post one YouTube video.

What's the YouTube video? Alvin and the Chipmunks singing fucking, oh, what song? I would have to pick the right song. Yeah. What's the right song? I think,

four, a Taylor Swift cover. Oh, okay. Which, which Swift song? What are we doing? I think it would probably have to be

something from her album Red, which recently got re-released. So it's in everyone's like, oh, we are never ever getting back together. Oh, classic. We're never ever getting back together. Yeah, just like that. Horrible.

Real bad. If not that, then like maybe like a Phoebe Bridges song. I really love the idea of like you just like looking at your YouTube video and be like, how's it going, Simon Cowell? No, I just need the video to go viral. Yeah, which is easy.

We got this podcast popular. And this is worse. Although singing rats versus this one because it's pretty similar in hindsight. Just refreshing that YouTube video again and again. Anyone in there? Any second now. I got 12 views. It's only been live for seven hours.

Someone downloads it, mirrors it, and they go viral instead. You're not contactable. Some gal's like, I'll buy them off the person who did that. You see them in the comments. I have them for real. This guy's lying.

No one knows. Here's my number. No one's calling. Simon Cowell gets sent. Oh, actually, a TikTok. A TikTok would be better than a YouTube video. I could get on a front page. What the fuck?

It's called for your page. I don't know. I don't use TikTok. But I would learn. How are you going to then use that to get Simon Cowell's attention? Are you just assuming he'll see it? No, I'm assuming that it would just be in the...

Okay, here's the thing. You release a TikTok that gets popular enough of rats singing. That is pretty fucked up. People are writing articles about it. How can these rats sing?

Are you only... Are you holding out for Simon Cowell is my only question. Well, it depends. If someone else comes knocking, but I think Simon Cowell

is the best way for me to make money. Simon Cowell. I'm trying to... money. He's holding out for Simon. I'm trying to... All right. Okay. You need Simon. Fair enough.

I'd like to explore the pitch that you had for Simon's reality TV show. Can you sing better than the chipmunk? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So can you tell me what a typical episode of Can You Sing... So you've done a bunch of TikToks of these singing rats. Some people have been like, oh, they've just got the regular song and pitch it up, and he's trained some rats to dance. He's put some peanut butter in his mouth or whatever so like once once the the people have been like oh this guy is like he's put

together some decent like cgi trickery yeah uh then you i get contacted by uh industrial light and magic and i'm like no it's not a trick the only thing i can do for your movies is put chipmunks and sing in it you're going on you're going on like today as in like you know today USA I was going to say you're going to probably meet

like good morning Australia whatever it's called oh wait you mean the Australian version today so I'm meeting fucking Carl Stefanovic

yeah yeah time has not been kind to you Carl they're like don't say that this is live. I know. And I'm doing as much as I can to get variety as well.

Yeah, because you have... Simon Cowell loves a bad boy. He does. He does. Do you miss the episodes where we'd ask the important questions like, hey, what do you think is going to happen in an upcoming film? And the companion episodes where we ask the important questions like, hey, what do you think is going to happen in an upcoming film? And there are companion episodes where we ask important questions like, hey, what do you think about that film we just saw? Well, do I have some great news?

We went and made a whole show that is just that, baseless speculation, where we baselessly speculate in upcoming films, TV shows, games, and more, with as little research as possible so you don't have to. Just search for Baseless Speculation on iTunes, Spotify or wherever else you get your podcasts from and join myself and these two knuckle fucks as we celebrate the death of cinema the only way we know how by making wild claims film studios would be too afraid or too stupid to do and then get shocked when we're right. Once again, that's Baseless Speculation, available on iTunes, Spotify, or wherever else you dickheads get a podcast from.

Simon Cowell, if you're watching this, call me. Carl Stefanovic, get your fucking life together. I say fuck on TV. It's so funny to imagine you getting really successful just off the chipmunk back, but the whole time you keep on trying to get... Like, you've got them at, like, the Sydney Opera House, you're doing a massive show,

and you're like, thank you, everybody, for coming. If anyone knows Simon Cowell... I'm trying to get in contact with him. Somebody can just get me his number. Meet the man who owns the chipmunks and why he wants to talk to Simon Cowell. He refused to take any profits until he speaks to Simon Cowell.

These chipmunks are filthy rich. They don't even understand the concept of money. John Dushan turned down movie deals, TV show rights. That's clearly not what he wants. Simon Cowell, I have a great pitch for you. So, okay, I think this is great, but how are you trying to get Alvin and the chipmunks on your side so they don't then strike a deal with someone else?

Because also, are you wily enough to, if there is an agent knocking on their door on your side so they don't then strike a deal with someone else yeah because like because also are you wily enough to like if there is an agent knocking on their door or like trying to swindle you are you wily enough to grab your boot and like no yeah yeah yeah i'd like that you're saying wily and it was sounding like i was going to be outsmarting an agent but am i wily enough to hit a rat with a shoe no i meant the agents agents. You're not hitting those rats with your meal ticket, dude. You gotta treat them with respect. Come on, now. Every chipmunk where they come is just a shoe print on their face.

I think I just lie to the chipmunks. Because they're children. Yeah, yeah. That's true. You should be like, hey, well, I mean, they're children. So, no one can, they need parental things. Does that mean you've legally adopted them? Yeah, I go to the courts. Okay, so you somehow okay so step one

make tiktoks is make tiktoks step well no before that step one step one is steal the chipmunks from the plastic bag

on the counter yeah yeah but once the chipmunks are in my house tiktok has to come first yeah okay because if I because you have to go

I need to prove that they're like profitable oh fuck no I just go to the vet I do Well get them registered to me I was so scared you were just going to put them down Why did I put down my meal ticket

I don't know I'll put those What is to stop the vet from grabbing them and running But he wouldn't No because before If you go to a vet and here are my talking chipmunks, let me inspect them. Interesting. I wouldn't say talking chipmunks.

They would talk. Yeah, they would talk. So you'd be like, okay, Mr. Doucher, if you could just sort out the pain in the front, he grabs those chipmunks and he's out of there. You think a vet. Yes. Is going to steal. Yes.

Another person's animals. I don't think these chipmunks are profitable. We're talking about these chipmunks like they're an insane meal ticket. Well, no, it's a new thing. Well, yeah, that is true. It's an animal that talks. Jackson, doing a dance on the internet is profitable. Their vet has taken the chipmunks.

No, because that's a huge risk for the vet. This man was going to try and contact Simon and make them sing. But I register it out. Because like, okay, say Jackson's right and they don't end up being like a huge meal ticket. Yeah, yeah. The vet has thrown away... Also, it's a wildlife. It's not actually yours.

Do you have a license to own a chipmunk? You don't? Yeah. They're an exotic animal, especially in Australia. Well, in that case, I'd Google that first, which I would have done anyway, because I wouldn't also know how to... Oh, wait, you don't register animals with the vet.

You register them with the council. I'll just lie and say they're dogs. You might get them confiscated because they're not dogs. How would the council know? Go to courts and prove that they're humans. Argue in a court situation that they are intelligent enough to be recognized as humans so that you can at least adopt them. Then I would easily get famous because there is no way a court can't. You're the man who tries to make the chipmunks man.

Where someone tries to prove that chipmunks are human. Because if sentient animals are proved to be human, that means the court has to be like, what does it mean to be human? And then obviously an expert comes out and says, it's DNA. But look at these chipmunks. They can do math. These are sentient beings.

They can talk and solve complex problems. But then I wouldn't be able to prove they're human and have to prove they're sentient. You're proving basically that they have enough rights. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that they are an individual with rights. They are a non-human sentient race. What's the difference between these guys and the elephant man?

And then I play the move, the elephant man. You want these children to be so that upset? I'm not an animal. I'm a human being. Alvin, say it. Say it, Alvin. Don't do this. I'm an animal.

I'm a human being. I mean, you are an animal. Court dismissed. These are boys. Those are, okay, you're arguing so many things right now because the elephant man, that was just a cruel thing that people called that he was a human being. Sick movie, though.

Sorry, Alvin. You don't want to be on the wrong side of history. Alvin, Theodore,odore Simon Who are your parents? Are they chipmunks or are they humans? Is this a Stuart Little situation Where they were birthed out of a human pussy? Was Stuart Little birthed out of a human pussy? Not in the movie but in the book

He's birthed out of a human pussy How'd that happen? I don't know I'm not sure So a human cum and a human egg Made a rat Made a rat Yeah Maybe so a human cum and a human egg made a rat made a rat yeah maybe like a rat cum and a rat egg would like hitching a ride on their cum and egg okay so do you think that means that a rat uh-huh a rat came into a man's balls yeah right

fuck the man's balls uh-huh and then something else happened with another rat and a pussy. Well, no, I would then assume that the rat and the pussy thing doesn't matter because maybe Stuart Little is 50% human, 50% rat. Oh, that makes sense, actually. So it's a rat cum, like a rat. A rat cum human egg, yeah. Rat sperm human egg, but launched out of a human penis. Yeah, into a human pussy and then a baby rat. And the smartest semen of the

smartest sperm of all was a rat sperm which i presume acts like a rat probably chewed on the other sperm exactly hitched a ride first and then launched itself off jumped even made a stew a little yeah yeah yeah so well yeah that is that the same because yeah if you're arguing if you're arguing elephant man rules yeah yeah is it so these So these. No, here's what happens. I'd like to play elephant man. Objection. Oh. So are you saying that these chipmunks are actually not chipmunks?

They're just people who are. They're just people who appear to be chipmunks. Yeah. No, no, no. My argument would actually be like, these chipmunks are clearly in need of a carer. Sorry, how many chipmunks have you looked after in the past? These were barely chipmunks. They're basically little guys. Not the same argument.

Fuck. What is your caring... Luckily for me, and this is a shitty thing to bring up, I would talk to my lawyer before I figure out what we're arguing. I really like that. I'm not representing myself.

I will fuck it up. I've never been to court. I really love as well that like, we've gone to so much effort to get you to adopt the chipmunks and then you sell them to Simon Cowell.

Well, no, because- Finally! Okay, Simon Cowell, you can adopt these and then you just lose all the rights of anything. You're like,

fuck, Damn it. Well, yeah, I guess what would happen is like if I adopted the chipmunks, that means that they would be on like a – Simon Cowell wouldn't buy them, I guess. He would be renting them. You never have kids and never put them in show business. Oh, my God. It's a contract.

And what is a contract if you're renting? It's true. That's so funny. I have my very talented three children here, Simon Cow a contract If you're renting It's true That's so funny I have my very talented Three children here Simon, Gal If you want you can rent them You can rent them

And do a show Here's my bitch for the show Can you sing better Than the chipmunks Can you sing better Than my three kids You can rent the kids I know this is fucked up

A contract is just renting In many ways You're renting me And Jackson Bailey For a podcast. I mean, yes. See? Same shit.

Where's the money? I'm going to evict you, right? Yeah. That's fire. That's the same thing. Fire, evicting, same thing. I'm sorry, but you've been evicted. What?

From your job. From your job. Ah, you were renting me. You were renting the job. That's right. I was renting you for the job. Oh, yeah. Actually, that's job? I was renting you for the job. Oh yeah, actually that's a good point. If you're renting someone then you wouldn't

evict them, you'd move out. You could evict me. So you're no longer making them money. Oh yeah, that's us quitting. Yeah, that's cool. What were you going to say? Who's that maintenance guy? Me? Yeah, if there's any broken pipes in the job.

The sink doesn't work. So if you get a rotten tooth, do I need to fix it? Well, yeah, that's dental in our job. Anyway, we don't have dental. Or maybe we do. I don't know. Anyway. Not in this country.

Yeah. What were you saying? So where's the money happening? What do you mean, where's the money happening? How are you making money? Well, all of this happens. How are you making money? Well, all of this happens. Then I get a contract.

Well, alternatively, I get money from TikTok. Yeah. Yeah. And then that famously being like, we don't give our creators much. Yeah.

But the short form, like you get sponsorship from that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.. Yeah. Yeah. I'm a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of Chipmunks are like You gotta have this tummy tea If you wanna be beautiful and thin Or whatever And then And then you get to look at Chipmunks shit themselves Ah fuck Am I

A monster? I'm not giving My chipmunks Skinny tea I'll be verified To be like chipmunks You gotta sell this tea Tycho drink it

No Do not drink this Don't drink the G fuel Put down the G fuel Don't drink anything If you drink this You Don't drink the G fuel. Put down the G fuel. Don't drink anything. If you drink this, you will shit yourself to death. You just got to say you drink it. It tastes nice and you're thin now.

You're a chipmunk. Please don't eat or drink anything. Can you drink it? No. I mean, I can. I'm not going to. I won't die. I will shit myself.

I'm still going to avoid it, all right? Alvin, Theodore? You can't be any drinker in the Tommy D. Ow! Now you're dealing with a shitting chipmunk. Fuck. Holding a chipmunk just around the waist as it shits in the toilet is a crazy thing to think about.

It's like feeding it hydrolytes. You've got to eat these. You've got to eat these. Drink, drink drink drink fuck that Jesus Christ now I gotta google how to

give chipmunk IV out of white chipmunk's ass I thought these chipmunks was a mistake okay great strategy

great strategy yeah cause like okay here's my TikTok also upload to Instagram Instagram reels

whatever so a bit of cash. Yeah, yeah, sure, sure, sure. Exposure. Yeah. Like, get them a TV contract and take a cut of that. Okay. Bang.

Okay, so you basically become a crooked manager. Yeah. It's a good idea. I'd just be a good manager. Yeah, yeah, sure, sure, sure. Yeah, it's a great idea. And I kind of want to, like, almost do something similar. But I want to cut out Simon, man.

I don't want the middleman. Okay, yeah. So we't want the middleman. Okay. Yeah. Um, so when I, you know, we were in the UK. Yeah.

I, um, so what was often being played in the background, cause we were looking after like, you know, my nephew's one years old. Sure. Was all these,

uh, songs aimed for children. Oh, okay. And they were basically like, you know, about cutting it, you know,

eating your vegetables and all this kind of things. They're very catchy. I'm doing my best on a a bunch of them right now. Somewhere about a duck going for a waddle, etc. Beautiful songs. I think the company's called The Singing Walrus. Each video has a million views.

Genuinely, what you do is this is the thing that'll stop the child from screaming. I'm just going to play it and you play it on loop. And you do this over and over again. So basically, what I would do to exploit these chipmunks would be the same kind of concept, but I don't need to play it, and you play it on loop. And you do this over and over again. So basically what I would do to exploit these chipmunks would be the same kind of concept, but I don't need to make it big. I don't need to make it huge. I don't need to get the Simon Cowes involved.

We make our own little production company where we just make them sing the songs, and then we put it on YouTube aimed for children because that's the market. How much? Okay, so YouTube's children programming is a horrible, horrible algorithm. children because that's the market. YouTube's children programming is a horrible algorithm, but most of it is

actually computer generated AI. It's going to be hard to compete with that because it's zero effort and there's a hundred things every day. How much does it cost to look after a chipmunk? Not much. From there, you then make the compilations and hopefully the same kind of stuff,

but then you chuck it on, like, you know, Spotify and all those other things. So very much more of a passive, like, version of what JD was doing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Another fucked up thing you could do is sit him in, like, a studio like this, get him to record a podcast and pitch shift it down, see what they sound like. Oh, my God. That's a great idea.

A regular chipmunk conversation. Okay, so the Wiggles, huge children's band, which is pretty much what you'd be doing with other chipmunks. The members of that are multi-millionaires?

Promised $150,000 a year. Oh, that's good. I like that. I'm going to ignore the word promised. $150,000 a year. Oh, that's good. I like that. I'm going to ignore the word promised. $150,000 a year. They must be rich. But, yellow wiggle Emma was getting $750,000 a year

because she fronted it. So Alvin, hypothetically, $750,000. They're chipmunks. We adopted them, remember? I guess, yeah, I shouldn't be looking at their salary. I should be looking at what the net is in. They're chipmunks. They're chipmunks. We adopted them, remember? Simon gets all the cash. I guess, yeah, I shouldn't be looking at their salary. I should be looking at what the net is in. Yeah, because also it's three chipmunks.

What are they going to need? Oh, $20 million a year. That was easy to find. Yeah, wow. Shouts to the Wiggles. Sad you're losing heaps of that. Aim for, yeah, don't leave Simon Cowell. Aim really at the kind of like that children's market. And, you know, maybe for five bucks you can Pat Alvin. I don't sign my account. I'm really at the kind of like that children's entertainment market. And, you know, for five bucks, you can Pat Alvin.

I don't know. Become that guy. You'll know this story, Jackson. Will I? He's the children's entertainer, but he also had the Harlem Shake video where his friend took a shit on him. I don't know that guy. But I understand why you think I would.

What? So it was a YouTuber that now- Filthy Frank? No, not Filthy Frank. No. Jackson would love Filthy Frank, the pink guy. The other day, speaking of Filthy Frank, somehow I think I saw a song by Pink I just came up with my algorithm,

and I was like, what is going on? Googled it, found a wiki for Filthy Frank's Omniverse and was like, I hate where I found myself. I have to get out of here. What's his name, Georgie? I don't know. Yeah, because he's like a legitimate just like a pop singer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He gave up on

Filthy Frank, which I would too. Anyway, who shat on who? Children's performer that got shat on? So there's a YouTuber whose name I can't remember. Yeah. Who is now like does like children's YouTube. But prior to that, like in the like 2010. Oh, I do know this guy.

I don't remember his name, but I know the guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He used to go by like skeezy grossman or something like that. Yeah, yeah, like sleazy fuck man or whatever. And he was filthy and he got shat on. Because that was like the... Because, yeah, he's pretty much chasing the meta, I guess. Where, like, in 2010, we're like,

people love getting shat on, I guess. It's been, like, five years since the last Jackass. No, yeah, close to around that time. So we need more content like that. Grotesque shit. Yeah, and then he's going kids show entertainment. And, yeah, there's a Harlem Shake video where he's standing on the toilet dancing.

Yeah. And his friend's lying on the floor next to the toilet. And then when the kick-in happens, he just does a big shit. Yeah. Want to see? No.

Not at all. Here's my question for you. Bloopy or something? Bloopy. No, I don't want to see. Hey, how long does a chipmunk live? Yeah. Yeah.

That's why if we, like a little production company, you churn them out. I see. You can just coast on them for the rest of your life yeah yeah yeah even when the chipmunks have died in like five years or whatever he's like set up a car you know a couple cameras they go it's got us like sing karaoke yeah through either current pop songs maybe or again a lot of these songs they'll be like you know like uh uh you know like your salary salary those kind of what are you expecting the answer for a lifespan of a chipmunk 10 years i reckon maybe four months jesus like a little

blip in the wind a couple years they can go up to eight to ten but it's usually close to like five to seven okay but those are little little piss weak small chip yeah these are beefy these are muscly chipmunks that can tell me their wants and needs. And I'm being like, my tummy feels so I shouldn't have had this tummy thing. And I'll be like, no worries, we'll take you to a vet. How are human doctors? Okay, so let's say they're 50% bigger than a chipmunk, so maybe live 50% longer. Yeah, sure.

So like 15 to 20 years. That's a really long time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What are you going to do when they're old? So like 15 to 20 years. That's a really long time. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What are you going to do when they're old? Yeah.

Like what happens to a chipmunk when it's old? Yeah. Again, if they like slow down, they get stuck in gray. I don't know. Like we've either made our millions. So you've got, we'll say. Like put them in a retirement, like, you know, look after them. Put them in a retirement home.

Oh, I wouldn't need to because they're little fucking chipmunks. They're rats. Put them outside care for them see what they want you've probably got 8 years of them being at their

prime of singing it's basically like having a cat or a dog but that dog makes you money yeah if you had one of those TikTok accounts

or one of those Instagram accounts where you just take photos of your dog doing shit you make money off it it's always and this is

a fucked up thing to bring up but it happens every single time which is like hey look at my weird dog or like everyone's fate internet and then they die it dies because yeah of course and then there's just like a really long sad post and then that account's just done yeah and the last account the last post on happy dog account it's always my dog's dead the last post on the happiest dog account is always the saddest post but you don't even have to do it because you're just doing the YouTube video. Nobody has to know when the chipmunks die.

Simon Cowell gets to announce that my chipmunks are dead. Even if we do like, you know, like, here's some like, you know, aging and here's this kind of stuff with the day to day life of these little chipmunks. Basically, you just make them part of the fam. They're just like regular, like how I would treat our cats. Be like, but better because they're not shitting on the floor because I can be like, Alvin, don't shit on the floor. And he'd be like, no, no.

And I'd be like, thank you. Thank you. I'll give you a cool bill right now. You just not shit on the floor. We can spend it on whatever you want. But if you shit on the floor, no bill for you. Alvin's going to eat ice cream and get diarrhea.

And then he'll shit on the floor. But then he'd be like, my tummy feels bad. I'm like, okay Okay I can pick him up Hold him over the toilet I can also teach him How to use a human toilet Which apparently you can do for cats Yeah Charles Mingus

Taught his cat how to shit on the toilet The fuck is Charles Mingus Famous jazz musician But lots of people Friend of the show Yeah Demi has taught their cat To sit

To spin around in a circle. To roll up heaps of things. I never knew you could train a cat like a fucking dog. That's awesome. She's incredible. Can I tell you what I do with the chipmunks? Yeah, all right. So I get helium.

Okay. Make them huff down helium. Okay. See what they sound like double pitched. Okay. You know you can just record them and then pitch shift them up yeah yeah okay here's what happens when you fill a chipmunk with helium they die i hope i think i hope you've just killed some chipmunks or less because i want to see these chipmunks die because i want you to suffer

i put it in the deep web or whatever people can pay me an ethereum or whatever to see what a chipmunk sounds like really high pitched no okay so even if it I can what are you talking about we haven't heard

what a normal chipmunk sounds like well now we know it's the chipmunks but I can do that with technology I could download that as an audio file

pitch shift it up I don't need to pay you money you know if you listen to this podcast twice speed people would say what we sound like nobody knows what it

sounds like naturally what do you mean naturally coming out of the chipmunks oh but but i wouldn't be doing that unless i how are you making money from that um or is it the personal game part yeah this is the personal game you just get to be like wow that's really for me so how upsetting would it be if it's so high pitch you can't hear it no that's awesome because then dogs can then dogs can. This is the equivalent of being, I want to know what my dog sounds like with a high-pitched bark.

And then grabbing its muzzle, putting a helium balloon, clamping, and just spraying it into its face. But the chipmunks are already so high-pitched. So they're going to sound even more high-pitched when they have helium. I don't know! I want to find out! What are you talking about? The thing I would like to hear.

And I can hear it. But you can't hear it. I could play you a chipmunk song now at double speed. I didn't think about doing that. Do you want to hear? I can make this dream come true right now. We can just get the album of the chipmunk Thor kicker. You can shift it up.

You can take it. You can slot that if you want. Well, I don't want to do that. I can give him, what is right now. Yeah, we can just give the alpha chip like Thor kick and you pitch shift it up. You can take it back. You can slot that if you want. Well, I don't want to do that. I can give him, what is it? Boron? Yeah. Why?

What does that achieve? Well, I want to hear it organically. I don't want to hear it as done through technology. I want to hear what it really sounds like. To what end? For personal gain. What are you getting from that? It'd just be cool to hear.

I hate you. Genuinely, I was like, that bit is... I'm never disappointed and mad at you for just not wasting my time, but wasting the listeners' time and wasting these fictional chipmunks' times. Yeah, this is it. This is what you'd be listening to. It's awesome. I mean, it's great. I love it.

Yeah. And they wouldn't be singing They would be saying Please stop feeling Feeding me helium Yeah Yeah also it lasts Like a helium thing

Does not last long But that's okay I only need to hear it For a little bit And then the shit bugs Can do it And then what I don't know

Let them loose Let a hawk get them Or whatever What's wrong with you You had 30 minutes To think of an answer And that was what You came up with Yeah Let him loose. Let a hawk get him or whatever. What's wrong with you? You had 30 minutes to think of an answer and that was what you came up with. Yeah. Well, that's all I wanted.

This episode's done. I'm done. On that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've been Joel. 500 episodes or whatever. This shit.

Fuck you. This is what you've done. Yeah. Double fucking speed. Do you feel like, I don't know, shame? Were you proud of yourself?

Yeah. When you said it, were you like, oh, that's a good answer? Do you think it was clever? I thought it was something that would be cool to hear

and then I found out we could do it normally. So I guess in many ways they didn't need the chipmunks anymore. No, you could just do it to us to be honest.

You could just pitch shift. Yeah. Yeah. Normal voice. Yeah. Yeah. Holy shit. We have such good shirts available at the moment.

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