Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Exploit For Personal Gain or Profit the Big Marble Baby That is Protruding From the Earth After the Events of Eternals?

Episode Date: March 6, 2022

This episode has it all: hawks, copyright infringements, lying to the government, cults, lying to get into heaven and much more! Also come to our live shows if you're in London: sanspantsradio.com/events/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Hey everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star. I'm Joel. I'm Jackson. And I'm also Joel. And today we're asking important questions like, how would you exploit, for personal gain or profit, the big marble baby that is protruding from the Earth after the events of Eternals?

So, obviously, we saw Eternals a couple of months ago. It's been on Disney Plus for a couple of months now, too. It's obviously taken the world by storm. Everyone loved it. Everyone was like, I know everyone loved Spider-Man, No Way Home. It's our favourite movie. It's everyone's favourite movie. It's actually now everyone's second favourite movie,

because they've re-watched Eternals. They're like, actually, this kicks ass. Yeah. Remember when Sprite got hit in the head with a rock? Yeah, it was good. Icarus flies into the sun. Into the sun. When a dog becomes a man.

A dog becomes a man from sucking his off juice. It's great. But the end result of this movie, or one of the end results of this movie, is that Earth was an egg. Yeah. And out of this movie, or one of the end results of this movie, is that Earth was an egg. Yeah. And out of this egg cracketh a gigantic baby. Yep.

A giant celestial baby. Yeah, a celestial baby which explodes half out of Earth. I think it gets its head out in two arms. Yeah, it gets its face and a hand. Yeah, and a hand. And then one of the Eternals turns it into marble. Yeah, which one? Quick quiz.

Yay! I know my Eternals, dude. Cersei, Douglas. Actually, yeah, okay. This is a fun game to play. There's ten Eternals, Jackson. Ten of them? There's ten.

Yeah, wow. I didn't think I could do this. Okay, wait. Can we do an effort? Or do you want Jack to go first? No, I want Jackson to go first, and then with Jackson... And I know you're going to want to throw like a Douglas out.

I will not accept joke answers. I will push forward. I actually reckon I can do this. Okay. Icarus. One.

Circe. Two. Droog. Three. Ikari. Four. You got the hard one. Wait, what did you say

actually for the name? Ikari? Bakari? Jakari. Jakari. Bakari. Bakari? Jakari? Jakari? Bakari? Bakari? Makari.

I would have got there eventually, so you give it to me. Yeah, all right. Full. Artemis? Sprite, obviously. Kingo! Hey, you're on your shirt.

Yeah, Kingo's on my shirt. I'm wearing my Kingo shirt today. How have I got four turtles to go? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's on my shirt. I'm wearing my Kingo shirt today. How have I got four O'Donnells to go? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Good with machines. What the hell was his name? He's got a cool name. He does have a cool name.

Sprocket? Yeah, George Sprocket and the Jetsons. Good with machines. You've got good with machines. Yeah. You've also then got a warrior lady. That's what I thought was Artemis. You've also got dead.

The leader. And? And now I don't know. Who have you not said? Who have I not said? Oh, no. Maybe I can only remember nine. Um, fighter lady's mate.

Yeah? Oh, yeah. Fellow who was looking after fighter lady. Maybe I can only remember nine. Fighter Lady's Mate. Yeah. Fighter Lady. Oh, yeah. Fellow who was looking after Fighter Lady. I got him. I got him. I got him. I got him.

Yeah. All right. I think I'm out. These last four have escaped me. Okay. Okay. Gilgamesh. Gilgamesh.

Athena. Yep. Not Athena. Athena. Athena. Ajak. Ajak. And the one that I also can't remember the name of is.

Fastos. Fastos. Ajak. And the one that I also can't remember the name of is... Fastos. Fastos! Fastos! How was it? It took all... Well, it took two of us. Wait, isn't... No, I would not have got Makari.

Yeah, yeah. Fastos is... We confuse him. That's why I confuse me. Because Gilgamesh is the one... Gilgamesh is the one looking after Fina. But in my head, I was like, he's machine guy. No, Fastos is punch guy. Yeah, punch guy, I was like, he's machine guy. Wrong.

He's punch guy. Yeah. Punch guy and did Hiroshima guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, machine guy and did Hiroshima guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Two separate guys. Punch guy and... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

His superpower is he did Hiroshima guy. Hiroshima? I keep changing the way I say it. Yeah. So. He's sorry about it, though, so it's all right. Yeah. So, now the big baby's here.

Yeah. But it's been turned into marble by Cersei. Yeah. So maybe three enterprising young businessmen. Young, handsome, hot as hell, red-eyed. In the prime of their life. That's what everybody who sees them, they're in the prime of their life, in the best shape of their life. And they...

Yeah. Mentally sharp., mentally acute. They've got business acumen coming out their buttholes. They're unstoppable behemoths. What are they going to do? We're standing next to this marble baby. We're rubbing our hands. When people just see a marble baby, we see an opportunity.

I see dollars. That's what I see. I see dollars when I see this big marble baby. So when I look at this big marble baby, I think the best business opportunity, and this may not be the best one, but this is one I reckon I could probably do. Okay.

And I reckon I could make a decent amount of money and not just any money. Awesome beginning to a pitch. This is not the best idea. Not the best idea? Love that beginning to a pitch. This is not the best. That's good.

It's humbling. So you're like, oh, this guy, he's got better ideas than this already great idea. What the fuck? This is hype as hell, dude. I'm hyped to shit.

Okay. I'm simply, let me finish. Shishindi. Yeah, okay, go on. Let me finish because what this will do is enable us to have a lot of passive income. Oh. This is basically, that's about the best way to use, using this Big Mobile Baby for financial gain and profit. But the best way to, I think, use this as a side hustle.

Okay, okay. So what I'm going to do. Very modern of you. Thank you, thank you. Is people obviously are going to want to see this Big Mobile Baby. Of course. Okay, and they're going to want to see it like really like in like a lot of like say high def. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're going to want to see it from all angles. HD Mobile Baby. They're going to want to see it like close up. They want to see it from far away. They want to see it from all angles you're gonna want to see it like close up they want to see it from far away they want to see it from a bird's eye view they want to see it from every single way so what i want to do what i am a baby what i'm gonna do is i'm gonna get a lot of drones uh-huh attach a lot of iphones to these drones record them uh like set them to record and fly over these big marble babies. Now, I know what you're thinking. A lot of people could also be getting drones.

A lot of people could also- What I'm thinking is that a lot of drones already have cameras. That also is true. I'm also thinking, you said babies? Is there another one? Look, I'm not going to lie. I don't know much about drones, but this is what I'm quickly Googling.

Okay, okay, okay, okay. So, I understand that there's a lot of other drones out there, people who may be more qualified to me to fly a drone, take these pictures, but what I'm going to do is I'm also going to hire a guy who can train a lot of hawks to take down a lot of other drones. Okay, okay. So it's a two-prong approach. Have you watched the baby footage recently? I can't see it, man.

There's too many hawks in the way. One, hawks that kill other drones. Two, a lot of drones that fly over and take a lot of footage. Then, step three, chuck that on YouTube and get the ad revenue rolling in, baby. You only gotta do it once.

That's clever. That's a clever element of this. You do one thing, you get a nice footage, like maybe an hour, two hours of footage. No, eight hours. Eight hours of footage around the big marble baby. And so we do like an eight-hour one. We do like an hour one. We basically just have a bunch of different ones.

Every idea, I don't know if you're on the same page here, Jackson, but I feel like that Zamet has a good idea. Yeah. Then he fucks his own idea and just keeps making it worse and worse. I'm excited to see where it's going. Okay, it's eight hours? Yeah. And we just cut it up and edit it into a little package.

How are you training the hawks to only get the drones that aren't your drones? We maybe paint some kind of sign or a color or a pheromone or whatever, like spray it onto our drones so that they know to avoid those drones. The hawks kill the bad drones and fuck Zalman's drones. Hey, dude, did you check out that baby footage? I couldn't see it. It was a hawk. It was a hawk claw whacker on the screen.

It's pressed up against the screen. Well, we can monetize that. Eight hours of hawk claw whacker slamming into the screen. Someone's going to watch it. Is it alright that this is on YouTube? I guess. They could show it on Animal Planet. They probably wouldn't, but they could.

Either way, I'm getting some perverts money. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, okay. On YouTube, a place where you'll... Okay, so say 100 perverts watch it. That's what? A couple of cents? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

How much are the drones costing you? Yeah, quite a lot. I guess, yeah, that's a good question. How deep in the hole have you found yourself? Yeah. How deep's the hole? Yeah, how deep's the hole? That depends how much I want to spend on drones and hawks.

Well, what if we financially downsize? They're not drones. All right, all right. We can maybe only have a couple of drones and maybe a couple of hawks. The thing is we've got to get in quick. What's cheaper than a hawk? What's a cheaper bird? I was thinking put a gun on your drone.

Okay. And then fight the other drones? Yeah. So then that's exciting both times. Or if I – okay, what about I find someone else who's got the idea of taking, like, a lot of photos and pictures and footage of this with their drones. And then I hire myself out as a drone with a gun operator that I will take out rival drones. Yeah. And I hire myself out that way.

That's clever. That's going to make the footage weird. I don't need the footage anymore. I'm just getting paid because I'm shooting other drones. So I'm getting paid by someone else. because I'm shooting other drones. So I'm getting paid by someone else. So you're selling your business to someone else and then getting them to hire you to shoot the rival drones.

Well, I'm imagining if we're finding flaws in this. Yeah, we are. So if other people are already kind of getting footage, someone will need some protection. That's true. So I basically make a racket. So you're like, hey. It'd be a shame if something happened to your drone

like another drone with a gun shot it. So now it's not even. I shake down the other drone operators. Well, it sounds like you're shaking down just everyone. We rapidly descended into a shady business here. This is the slipperiest business slope we've ever been on. Because it's not even like, hey, do you want me to protect your drone? It's like, hey, if you don't hire Hey, do you want me to protect your address?

Hey, if you don't hire me, maybe something bad will happen to you. It would be a shame. In the process of hiring you. It would be a shame if your footage was ruined by someone shooting across it and blowing up another... It would be a real shame if someone punched you in the face right here, right now. So Joe Dusha, we're going to get you this car.

It's going to be an incredible car. I'm very happy to make this deal with you. I will punch you in the face if you don't give me $100 right now no my face it's very versatile yeah so Joe Dusha we're gonna get you this car it's gonna be an incredible car I'm very happy to make this deal with you I will punch you in the face if you don't give me a hundred dollars right now so you want this car

and give me the hundo so I'm gonna put you in a car today and I will punch you in the face you better pay me now okay yeah yeah yeah

you wanna come buy this car I'm gonna run you over with it yes I can't stop imagining you instead of a drone

with a gun just on top of the baby with a handgun like the footage panning around and then it just gets really close to you another way I could do this is to try and get

a couple drones and maybe say hang a banner between the two of like say Mickey Mouse's face that I then would like fly in front of other drones and then they can't use that footage. Oh, and then they get copyrighted. They get copyrighted.

Yeah, okay. Strike down for Disney. So I'd be ashamed if that just happened to fly into the footage. Oh, yeah, it was still a protection rack. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just cool. It's a shakedown. You come in with a handgun and a banner of Mickey Mouse

and you're like, a lot of bad things can happen. Like, it'd be a shame. People putting drone footage on YouTube. with a handgun and a banner of Mickey Mouse and you're like, a lot of bad things can happen. It'd be a shame. Put drone footage on YouTube. Beautiful footage, it'd be a shame if it was ruined by this stolen image. What message would you think that was sending? Is Mickey Mouse gonna

shoot me? What does it imply? What about with the hawks? The amount of hawk shit that's gonna be on top of the big baby. Heaps. People buy guano, which is bat and pigeon shit. Do people buy hawk shit?

I would assume no, but we can say that it's guano and sell it. What makes pigeon shit different than hawk shit? I don't know. That sounds like an answer for someone cleverer than us. Yeah, and that sounds like a great way of saying new improved guano. Good guano. Finally we have some good guano

and we get some actual guano and we cut it with the hawk shit. And we sell it. Who do you sell guano to? I don't know. Guano enthusiasts? What is the usage for it? I don't know, but people love it. Why do you know what it's called? But I don't know, but people love it. Why do you know what it's called?

But you don't know anything about it. I'm a very specific kind of genius. You're a very specific type of fuckhead. I'm going to Google different types of shit. Hell yeah. That's what I wanted. No, I think you use it for explosives. Ooh. That sounds crazy, but I'm about to be proven right in three, two, one.

Joel Zammett. Poisoning cats. I'm not hearing explode. Hold on. It's rich in nutrients, so it plays an important role in agriculture. That's not explicit. Agriculture is... Why is guano so valuable as a manure? Three, two, one.

It's a highly effective fertilizer due to its expensive high content of nitrogen, phosphate, and potassium. Hold on, he's about to say it. It's ecologically important due to its role in dispersing nutrients. He's about to say it. So it's ecologically important due to its role in dispersing nutrients. He's about to say it. I'll put the word explosion in the Google. And let's see what happens. You're going to fucking explode when you see how much guano I have. Vindication is just around the corner, Dushar, I promise you.

Three, two, one. You can't met me. Are you thinking of nitroglycerin? I'm thinking of bonkies. People use fertilizer to make bombs. Yeah, there's fertilizer bombs. So you could use guano, I guess. I mean, just by laws of the

fact that they use guano as fertilizer. Yeah. Go. Go. I'm correct. It's cool. You can make a cow shit bomb. That is awesome.

So, okay. How much money do we think Xamit's making by threatening people with a gun and a banner of Mickey Mouse? I would say nothing. Okay. Because if you're scared, they just stopped doing it.

Oh, then I have a drone taking all this footage. Yeah. What drone? The drones that I have. The drone with the gun on it. So the drones you abandoned and now you've got again? Why am I abandoned?

Because I'm using the same drones. You said you abandoned them and you're going into the shooting the drones with a gun racket. With a drone. So I've still got drones. If they're scared that they're like, well, no, I'm not going to fly my drone. I'm like, well, sweet. Then I'm going to take all these bitches. So either way, I'm pretty good.

Well, it depends. How much is a drone and a gun and the banner of Mickey Mouse? Well, the Mickey Mouse one is pretty cheap because I'm committing copyright crimes. Gun? Guns are cheaper than I always imagined. Yeah, 60 bucks. Yeah, something about that. For real?

60 bucks for a gun? Guns are cheap. Oh, in the MCU, surely it'd be even cheaper. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why do you want a gun? We've got like these fucking plasma rifles cheaper. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why do you want a gun? We've got these fucking plasma rifles here. You'd do Matt Larkin. And a drone, you could probably get one for like 200 bucks.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you spend... Not much. Let's say with bullets, let's say we'll round up to 350 because I don't actually know how much a handgun is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I know rifles are surprisingly cheap. And I'm assuming you've got to, like, the drones,

charge them, yeah, for power? Yeah. So a couple of power banks. Yeah. So, again, maybe, look, $400. Yeah, yeah, all right. $400. Yeah.

How much is your ad revenue from YouTube going to be? It depends if I've got, like, a really good high-quality one. I reckon you could rack up quite a lot. It depends because you would have to be good at marketing it. Yeah. How do you know the SEOs in, like, you know, hashtag big Marvel, Marvel, or big Marvel baby? Yeah.

Hashtag big Marvel, Marvel, or big Marvel baby? Yeah, Marvel baby, celestial, hashtag Icarus, hashtag... And then you think an eight-hour video is going to earn this much money. Yeah, you know, like, walking videos and shit like that? Yeah, it is a genre. It is a genre, man. It's one of those things And like put some Like nice calming

Like copyright free music Underneath it People will maybe Even fall asleep To this kind of shit This is the kind of stuff You don't realise Makes a shit ton of money

Does the government Is the government Protecting the big baby Is the government Hunting Jaws I like it I like it like It might get

Yeah taken down By a shot with a tank Or whatever But yeah this is A kind of a Yeah genre Oh yeah actually Yeah what are you talking about Yeah S.H.I.E.L.D. Shot with a tank or whatever. But yeah, this is a kind of a genre of YouTube. Oh yeah, actually, what are you talking about? Yeah, S.H.I.E.L.D. will take it down for sure. Are they throwing hawks?

No, I mean... Hawkeye! Hi, I'm Hawkeye! You're like, oh, finally my drone's free, and then an arrow just goes straight through it. That's so funny if they're like, hey, Hawkeye, there's some hawks out there if you want to... And he's like, what?

Well, you're the hawk guy. You control them, yeah? Hawkeye! So you can see through their eyes imagine you didn't know what hawkeye's powers were but you were tasked with making him an outfit you would dress him like a hawk yeah i would be like oh he must be a guy with like the eyeballs of a hawk like he's got like a beak yeah he must have a he's got wings yeah he's probably like a guy who can fly with wings I'll make a feathery costume Yeah like probably he's got hawk Yeah and I'll make like a kind of hawk head

But with plenty of space for his definite beak Yeah he almost definitely has a beak And then you find out he's like no I'm a bow and arrow guy And we're like what I could not be more confused Your name should be Mr. Archery Yeah Then I would have made should be Mr. Archery Yeah Then I would have made a Mr. Archery costume

A shirt, a tie, a jacket But it would be flexible Maybe even a truck and a hat Black Widow, same thing, I would have thought spiders I would have made enough room in the back To poke out her eight arms And then I'd be like What? A human

You've only got two arms? Two legs. But you're spider-themed. But no spider-pounds. Where's your mandible? Oh, the thing is a spider. Isn't the thing she zaps with? Is that mandibles?

No, they're not mandibles. Where's the mandibles? Isn't that called like a bite? Yeah, I think it's called maybe like the widow's bite. Yeah, the widow's bite. But you call it that. It's not actual, like, is it spider bites? Well, maybe it feels like petting bit bite spiders.

It probably just feels like shit, to be honest. Feels like a bad time. Do you want me to put mandibles on your wrists? The characters in the Marvel Universe have been poorly named. That's all I'm saying. But that's a good, that's a fine strategy for making money. Thank you, thank you. It's fine.

It's pretty good. My biggest problem is the, I guess, no, it's not even in US waters, maybe. I don't know where the big marble baby is. Why do I keep saying big marble baby? It's also good for you to buy a drone and be like, time to go find it. Where is the big marble baby? Because like, who's got jurisdiction? It's like an island chain, right?

Yeah. Because I've got flights over it. It's near volcanoes. The new volcanoes. It's probably near the equator. And I know that my confusion about where it is means that this, my answer immediately, is a bad one. Bob.

So, the end of Eternals. We got a couple of dead eternals yeah we got fucking deviants are dead yeah uh then the remaining eternals get sucked off into space sure do leaving exactly no people that were there at the fight yeah but no one knows that i'm gonna be a tour guide for the big marble baby and then i'm just gonna going to make up shit because no one's going to be able to fact check me. What are you going to say? Just like talk about it. Be like, yeah, so I was there.

I was the one who stopped this. But you don't know that they are not there. Why are you just a tour guide? I mean, I know that they're not there. The same way that you know that it's a big marble baby, I guess. I was like, it's a big face and a hand. This is confusing. No, I mean. I was like, it's a big face and a hand. This is confusing. No, I mean, you could be a con man.

He is a con man. What are you talking about? He is a con man. Yeah, I could be a con man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, no, I think my morals might get in the way. I'm straight as an arrow. So why are you doing a tour guide

and not doing, like, I don't know, a news circuit? Being like, I was there. I do really love that you're like, I'm going to take responsibility for this until you set up a little booth on the island. Big baby tours. I'm like, yeah, I did this immediately shot in the head by S.H.I.E.L.D. Kidnapped and they're like, what is it?

Let's roleplay it. I'll be S.H.I.E.L.D. What is it? What's what? The big baby. The big marble baby. You are saying you're responsible for it. No, I'm responsible for stopping it. So you turned it into marble. No, I just stopped it.

It was already marble. What was it trying to do? Come out of Earth. Do you know why? No. How did you stop it? I'm really strong. Hold this weight.

Okay. I'm so- I'm going. I'm going to- I used them all up. Stop with the big marble, baby. How did you use your strength to stop it coming out? I pushed it back down.

So it could come back up at any moment. No, I broke its neck. Well, it's made it so it was always made of stone? Yeah. But you stopped it moving? We have footage of it moving. Yeah. And see how it stops?

That's me. Yeah, but you're saying it was always marble. It wasn't marble. Ah. I wasn't paying attention to what it was made out of. I was just trying to save the world. So you made it marble? I must have, yeah. Or maybe because I pushed it back into the core of the... Maybe the molten lava. How did you find out about it?

My other eternal friends were there. What's an eternal? Sorry. A group of celestial... I'm an alien. You're an alien. What's an eternal, sorry? A group of Celestial I'm an alien You're an alien How do you know this? Are you a Celestial?

Or are you an Eternal? I don't know what an Eternal is So how do you know what a Celestial is? A Celestial is well known I don't know what the fuck an Eternal is You just said you were a Celestial You don't know what a celestial is? A celestial is well known. I don't know what the fuck an eternal is. But you just said you were a celestial. You don't know what a celestial is. I know what a celestial is.

No, you wouldn't. I don't. As a con man, you wouldn't know the words. You would just be making shit up. He knows. You would not be using eternal or celestial anyway. He read it in the papers. Yeah, I saw it in the papers.

Go on. Go on. Yeah, so I'm not actually sure what planet I'm from. Okay. Yeah, like I was born like i was like a baby on earth so you're not a human no so you don't uh you have um i don't know i've got big time rights if that's what you're talking about i'm a citizen of where earth what country what country though so you're an alien yeah um? Can I get another one of those drinks? I start looking towards, I don't know who's running shield at the moment. Skrull, Nick Fury? So he's an alien.

What's the go? I'm friends with Hulk. Are you? Well, we'll get him in and see if that's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bring him in. Hi, I'm Professor Hulk. I've never met this man before.

I don't know who this is. Hulk, baby, Bobby. What's going on? Long time no see. I've changed a lot man before. I don't know who this is. Hulk, baby, Bobby. What's going on? Long time no see. I've changed a lot since you last saw me. What did you look like when I saw you previous? I don't know. Kind of like just a different guy.

When did you meet him? When did I meet him? When he was Bruce Banner. Okay, so you have all the memories of Bruce Banner. Yeah, I'm Professor Hulk at the moment. We worked together in that lab. I remember everyone I was working with in that lab. Clearly not.

You don't remember me. That's actually quite hurtful. What are the qualifications? What do you mean? Aren't you an alien? Yeah, exactly. I know space shit. So you work in a lab.

Sorry, Dr. Banner. You work in a gamma rays. You need qualifications. Yeah, absolutely. There'll be a vetting process, yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So which lab, sorry? We'll go check.

We'll double check this. The one in... Was it Spain? No, it wasn't Spain. It? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So which labs are we? We'll go check, we'll double check this. The one in, was it Spain? No, it wasn't Spain, it was in- Sorry, Dr. Manny, can we give you a list of all the labs you worked in? I'll give you a list of everybody that was there and all the details, and you can just cross-reference them. We'll just cross-reference them.

Oh, is this one Betty or something? Yeah, that's me. You're Betty Hill? Betty Hill? Ross? Betty Ross, that's what I mean. Yeah, I'm Betty Ross. Sorry, sorry. Yeah, my dad is that guy. Betty Hill Betty Hill Ross Betty Ross

that's what I mean yeah I'm Betty Ross sorry sorry yeah my dad is that guy becoming the Hulk fucked my brain up yeah yeah so you're

so you're his no that's just a little joke I have see because I know Betty Ross is your girlfriend or whatever so what's your real name you don't know well my real name

you got shrugged you got shrugged with something that's what Or my real name. You got shrugged. You got shrugged with something that's once you read it. Who knows? Well, I mean, I have many names. What name would I know you by? Yeah. James?

Do you remember James, Mr. Banner? No, there was no James there. Are you sure? Yeah, pretty far. Surely there was a James. I'm currently shooting off emails to be like, prep the alien autopsy deck. It's funny

for them to cut me open. He's just a fucking guy. Why would he not tell the truth when we put him in the machine? Those things are going to cut me open? Yeah. This is your last chance. Look forward to seeing alien organs in there. That's actually fucked up.

You're just going to kill me like that. Well, you pose a threat. So you did this, right? No, I stopped this. So if you can stop, what do you mean you stopped it? Why aren't dissecting Professor Hulk? He went to space and fought guys. He's a threat.

We know exactly his story. You know my story too. James worked a lot. We cannot. There's been no James. Born in space. Space or Spain? Space. You work in space. There's been no James. Born in space. Came to. Space or Spain? Space.

You work in. Space. You're not even listening. He worked in the lab in Spain. Yeah. Which is. It was in New Mexico. Hulk, have you ever worked in a lab in Spain?

Not the one he's referring to. Certainly. Like, look, you're being very. It's very suspicious. Why did your strength go when you pushed the big baby back into earth i think it drained all of my energy okay my strength could come back but at the moment i have human strength we'll keep you here for testing okay could come back eyes have already widened i'm like we need to act fast maybe i don't know and you stopped it because

it seems like it was posing a threat to earth a place i love and wish to protect you said there were other eternternals? Yeah, they're dead now, though. How did they die? Who are the Eternals? They were killed by the big baby. Who are they? Who were they?

They were people from space they met up with online. And? But aren't you an Eternal? No, no, no. I don't know what an Eternal is. They just kept saying they were eternals. And I was like, yeah, sweet. Why did they want to spend time with you? Cause they were like, you're another space guy. And I was like, yeah, I'm the space.

I'm James, the space guy. When did you, when I looked different? When, so when did you hear about a turn? It's the first we're hearing about it. Yeah. So why they called it, why did they call themselves? I never asked to be honest, I was dealing with the big baby. And that you just happened to be there at the same time. They emailed me. They was dealing with the big baby. And you just happened to be there at the same time. No, no, no. They emailed me. They emailed you at the big... Yeah.

Why didn't you tell anybody about it? Why did you set up a little shack to do it? Seems like it would be like the kind of thing that maybe we would need to know about what to do next. What do you mean? You knew about it, right? Yeah, but you clearly have an inside scoop. We had no idea. The moment it popped up, we had no idea.

You're charging $5 a ticket for a... Yeah. You're saying that you had some people who knew what it was and that you stopped it? Yeah. We didn't even know how to stop this. We didn't even know what it was. Well, I'm not entirely sure.

Like I said... Well, you said you pushed it back in. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How did you do that? Have you done it before? My hands, no. No, but I mean...

So did you go into the water grab the hand and pull down no no i pushed i stood on top and pushed down so you used its force against your force yeah i mean there is a chance that maybe that just happened and i didn't do anything but it felt like what other maybe. Maybe it just did that. Do you have powers or not? Are you usually strong? Not currently. Yes, I'm usually strong. Are your other alien people, they from?

Well, first of all, they're dead, so I wouldn't even stress. Second of all, I'm not sure I met them online. Third of all. No, I meant your race. I don't know. You're not listening. I am sorry. You look exactly like a human.

I was born in space. In space. I'm not sure what the planet was because it was, I believe, based on a note that was left by my parents, whom I never met. Your parents. Your birth parents. Sorry, yes. I think so. Your birth parents.

Keep going. Sorry. All of my memories come from Earth. Sure. But there was a note that said hey you were born on space born on space and you were raised by um i don't know my mom and my dad but earth ones and their names are james because their name isn't that your name yeah so you're james jr yes okay so james and jane james jane and last name james james james james james james jr james james james james james james

james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james james Yeah. At what point has your face... Okay. Yeah, sure. This sounds real. At what point have they run his face through facial recognition? Yeah. At what point have they just like... There's just a guy with a computer in the background who just swivels around the monitor and is like, Joel Dusha, 30, Australia. Man.

Told you. And I'm just like... I thought you said your name was James. No, no. I told you that I'm a citizen of Earth. Of Earth. You can't cut me open because I have rights. Well, no, if this is doctored and this is fake.

What's doctored? Like your birth certificate. Yeah. Because you just said you're not from here. Oh. So if you're not actually born of Earth, you kind of lose a lot of these rights. Well, yeah.

Yeah. Well, yeah, so then why- I don't know how thor has no rights that's but like yeah it is we tried to stop him but we can't yeah he's more powerful than us and you uh no you know how much we've wanted to dissect thor yeah yeah he would just be a guy who cares yeah nah nah he alien man yeah yeah but like it's a good way of trying to deflect us from kind of europe but he's probably just a guy. I'm probably just a guy. So you are an alien, yeah?

Yeah. Look, I'll be honest with you, because I'm going to play the good cop here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you are an alien, and like we've been wanting this for years, we want to dissect an alien. Yeah. Because we want to know what's going on there, because there's threats. Like this guy here, look at him. He's a Skrull.

Come here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He turned into a- Yeah, but you dissected those guys off the fucking thing the Avengers 2012 thing what about what did you dissect those aliens

yeah you're a new alien clearly yeah you're a new one and we don't know your threats yet I mean I could be from Asgard you just said you pushed this huge guy back into the earth

Asgard actually makes sense that's scary yeah so we want to know and like you said it drained your powers we'll do some blood tests first and that'll prove whether you're an earthling

or an alien so yeah we're just gonna do some basic non-invasive tests yeah we'll just start with some blood tests first so we're gonna whether you're an earthling or an alien yeah we're just gonna do some basic non-invasive yeah we'll just start with some invasive but that will unequivocally prove whether or not you are human or alien and if that'll prove proving that then we will dissect this is your kind of your last chance and like last chance for what like if um to come clean if you're uh come clean about what? If you're not an alien, we'll do the blood tests. Is it a crime to waste S.H.I.E.L.D.'s time? You just out the helicopter. You're in the cell, you're like, what were the results?

And they just press a red button. Sucked out. What are the results said smugly? Like you said about one? What were the results? Am I human or alien? James in my DNA? Why?

Why what? Why would you put us through that? You put you through it. We brought up the Hulk. You could have just come clean Be like oh I was lying Come clean about what You're out I'm an alien

I saved the world nobody cares A red spear on the giant marble baby's hand And now a quick word from our sponsors. Do you miss the episodes where we'd ask the important questions like, hey, what do you think is going to happen in upcoming film? And the companion episodes where we ask the important questions like, hey, what do you think about that film we just saw? Well, do I have some great news.

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or wherever else you dickheads get a podcast from. Unglorious. People are waiting around at your shack for the tour. They just see you slam into the marble, baby. That's the guy from the side. Is this tour starting? Is this part of it? Is he going to come back?

He looks just like a red smear on the baby's face. Like a tear, really My last moments on earth Were making the big marble baby cry I made the big marble baby cry A red tear poured from its eye You've changed the narrative Of what occurred to you

That's what I've's on St. Peter! Yeah, let me in, I made an alien cry. What? That's correct. Do you think we judge people by who gets it to happen? Bullshit. What do you mean you made an alien cry? Wasn't that one of the commandments or whatever?

Let me in. Hey, get Jesus, he knows me. He knows me, my name is James Junior James knows me It's James Junior Jameson I'm James Junior Jameson Come on I'm friends with Professor Hulk You know

I was I was born in On space You cannot imagine How bad lying in heaven is I'm not lying Do the test I can imagine it

And it disgusts me I never would Yeah So you can trust me bro And let me in. Come on, do a test. I did the test and they said I was alien. They actually said my DNA came back and said I'm 100% never lying.

Yeah. I can't do it. It's genetically impossible. Why do you think I would know less than S.H.I.E.L.D.? Come on. I don't know, bro. I don't know. Sounds like you do.

I'm just going to go in, and if there's a problem, come see me later. You can come find me. You can come find me. And then you go and you just lay low for a couple of weeks. You know what I look like, so just come find me. It'll be fine. Get in the heaven first thing you do, wish to look different. You look like Christ. Hi, I'm James Christ.

James Christ Jr. I'm Jesus' son. Yeah. He didn't have a what? Incorrect. He had one in heaven. Yeah, I'm a heaven baby.

What do you mean, I am his son? I am the son of the son of God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm the grandson of God, okay? The cool one. If you kick me out, you know who's going to be mad? Granddad. Yeah. You don't want to piss me off, you know who's going to be mad? Granddad. Yeah.

Anyway, next question. Where's God? Absolute son of a bitch get a drinker out here. Well, my plan is it's similar. Oh, yeah. But not quite the same. Does yours end up in heaven? Yeah, it might do.

So first step is to get a chiseler or a guy who knows how to chisel. And we chiseled the big baby to look like my face and the hands look like my face and whenever anybody makes a comparison i'm like what and i just hope that that's in some way you know gets generates me income or um oh yeah like you could start like an instagram account to be like man who looks like why do i look like the giant marble baby. I think that you might have the same run-in that I have. But see, whereas you are lying your ass off, I can claim ignorance. I can be like, what?

That's crazy. We have footage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We have footage of someone. Sorry. Hi, Jackson. We're Shields. Let me in.

Thanks for coming in. Anytime. So the big marble baby has your face. Yeah. What the hell is that about? You understand. I must be pretty special. Tampering with something so significant and important to us

is definitely going to land you in some hot water. I don't know what you're accusing me of. We've got several different countries all claiming rights of the big marble baby. Yeah, that's crazy. I imagine't. I don't know what you're accusing me of. We've got like several different countries all claiming rights of the big marble baby. Yeah, that's crazy. I imagine that. And they're very mad at whoever defaced it.

Yeah, I would be too. What do you mean defaced it? Hold on. We've pulled up your bank records and see that you've hired multiple marble workers.

Yeah, we are, you know, we can like take pretty decent pictures from satellites in space. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We have a time lapse. And also you were posing. Let me show you the footage. You know we can take pretty decent pictures from satellites in space, yeah? Yeah. Yeah, we have a time lapse.

And also you are posing. Let me show the footage. Here's the footage. As you can see, you are posing in front of the big baby as the chiselers. Yeah. Is it a crime to hire a chiseler? It's a crime to hire a chiseler, to hire them to face a, I guess at this moment in time, we're not quite sure what to call it, but the idea of like a, not national, but like an earth monument right now. It seems to be very, there are a lot of different people where it's popped up claiming that it is a very big.

Am I going to jail? Yeah, yeah. Big time. And you're going to have to answer a lot of questions. Yeah, by a lot of different countries. Well, I mean, the answer is the same the whole time. What you're going to have to answer a lot of questions. Yeah, by a lot of different countries. The answer's the same the whole time. What is the answer? Well, I chiseled it.

Why? So it'd look like me. Am I in court in the UN now? For what reason, Mr. Bailey? So it would look like me, so I'd get Instagram likes for my account. Looks like a baby hashtag. So first of all, Mr. Bailey, you need to understand that putting the hashtag at the end of the sentence does not work. I was wondering why that wasn't working.

Putting my hand over a microphone, turning to the judge, this idiot might be the most famous fuckwit. And no matter what we do now, it's worked for the wrong, he didn't plan this, but he's got the fame. How many likes did you get? Heaps. So many, it's worked for the wrong. He didn't plan this, but he's got the fame. How many likes did you get? Heaps. So many, I can't even see any. I think Instagram crashed.

Have you tried sending your phone? But offer them, oh, wait, is your battery charged? No, I got 20%. Can you please open Instagram? Okay. How many likes does it say? I'm the most famous man in the world. Like, look, he is.

Is it a crime to give the most famous man in the earth? I mean, look, he's famous because we're going. Can you imagine the media circus, your honors? We're going to throw him in jail, right? If you give me the chair. And deactivate his Instagram account. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's going to be the most famous person.

Free Jackson, my boy did nothing wrong. That's what the people will say. Yeah. Yeah, they can try We won't listen and the media circus will forget you You will rot in a jail cell You will be a entry on

Buzzfeed of maybe the most famous criminal Here's what's going to happen to me, I go away for what, 10 years? Okay, let's say 10. Yeah, I come out again, I write a book. We're legally changing your name while you're in prison. James. You can't legally change your name.

We're S.H.I.E.L.D. We can do what we want. Welcome back to the world, James Jackson. Nice try. You're James. We heard a great name recently. James Jameson. The Thidge.

But then I tell a tell-all book about my experience in jail. And how are you doing that? With a pen and paper. What are you talking about? Because usually a tell-all, you have to tell-all to someone who then publishes the book. But I guess you meant you're writing an autobiography. Yeah, I suppose. Different things, but that's okay.

You're writing an autobiography. You're writing an expose about the big marble baby. The big marble baby, my experience is I'm like that guy who ate a guy and got famous. I'm the same kind of guy. No, no, no, no, no. The Japanese guy that ate a guy and then got famous. I mean, Chopper killed like 18 guys. He he's pretty famous you just paid some chisels yeah i'm gonna put away for my crime yeah i'm a modern day bandit equivalent like what would you be pretty much no because like because this is like this is just like you're just basically like a

different banksy yeah except you only did one thing it's not like and you're just basically like a different Banksy. Yeah. Except you only did one thing. And you're in jail for 10 years and there's a big chance that something else happened and everyone's big baby probably exploded or something. Big baby came back to life, flew away. And I feel maybe it would be like a quarter of your face would look like the big baby before people came and stopped you. Yeah, that's a good question. How much is getting chiseled off before S.H.I.E.L.D. catches me? Almost maybe like three strikes of a chisel,

and that guy is shot. Yeah, I think one guy is winching himself up, and he gets shot. And I'm like, oh. Well, that's probably just an accident. They point up at a second time. Okay, okay, okay. Can I pivot?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You want me to pivot? Of course, of course. Do the reverse. I get plastic surgery to look like the big baby. Okay. Yeah. What does a big baby look like? A celestial. He's look like the big baby. Okay. Yeah. What does a big baby look like?

A celestial. He's got like the grid face. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I feel you would be maybe taken in for questioning once again. What crime? Because you look, no, not crime, but they'd be like, what are you?

Are you an alien? This is plastic surgery. Oh, okay. We're going to have to run tests. But this is plastic surgery. You'd be just taken in for questioning by S.H.I.E.L.D., I feel, or whoever it is now. Then they'd be like, oh, this dickhead just made plastic surgery. Can you see how, do you have eyes?

No. I can't see shit. Yeah, they would just be like, okay. Okay, well, just follow us this way What plastic surgeon Would do this Shady ones Poor ones

Yeah I assume I'm Instagram famous Shield can you actually confirm this Yeah you got 14 likes But also the photo isn't really Of your full face. You missed. I just want to look at a celestial face.

Yeah, let's see what that would do to me. In Marvel. It's like a bug face. Yeah. So, this one's head's on fire. I don't know how you could make that, like, a human could do that.

Yeah, well if... Like with paper mache. You cosplaying sir? You could easily make a helmet. Yeah, making a mask would have probably been cleverer to be perfectly honest instead of going for this dangerous selective surgery. Yeah, I think you, once again,

Do you not think I could create like a cult of personality like on the internet where I'm like, once again, would maybe make a- Do you not think I could create a cult of personality on the internet where I'm like, I look like the big baby? Unfortunately, you have blinded yourself, though. Yeah. So that makes you- Yeah. Because you, currently, Jackson, aren't-

I mean, you've got glasses, so you are technically vision impaired, but not to that extreme. So it would be quite a lifestyle adjustment. What if I kept my eyes? Okay. What about instead? You don't even look heaps like them. But a bit! But a bit! Instead, how about... I guess you're ugly. LOL. I'm a troll

by the way. I'm cyber bullied. You could do the same thing, but just not get the plastic surgery. And you could form a cult around the big marble. Because all you've got to do is provide answers. That's true.

All you've got to do is... You could, but you could just be like, again, they're not going to kill you if you're not being like, it speaks to me. That's true. I can sense it. They're like, what do you mean? Can you show me? It tells me its secrets. Vibrations, it's talking to me and they can be like, no, I can sense it. They're like, what do you mean? Can you show me?

It tells me the, it tells me its secrets. I just, I like vibrations. It's talking to me. They will figure out pretty quickly that you're just like a, a charlatan cult leader off with the fairies kind of thing. Um, but I reckon you could get some people.

That's true. And you could, you could form a cult. Am I not going to get y'all do shit again? I don't think you're going to get killed because you're not going to admit you're an alien. Yeah, but I think Jackson being like, I can communicate with it will be enough that S.H.I.E.L.D. will put him in a cell. Yeah. And then if they find me and they find out I don't have powers, they'll be like, well, we still don't want him near it.

So they'll boot me away. They may be out of the helicarrier. Yeah, out of the helicarrier. But if you made this cult of Celestial quick enough and you had a bunch of people, you might be protected. Unfortunately. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. A cult versus shield. You would have religious rights.

That's true. Tax-free, baby. Tax-free. However, the problem is you're dealing with Marvel bullshit. So by just the fact that you have created a celestial cult means that you will probably become some kind of uh i guess mouthpiece that will actually talk to the celestials at some point yeah that's true and then shields will be back so you might risk halfway through being like the celestial baby says that it wants you to deliver me more jewels and kisses.

Like, more jewels and stop it being marble. Hang on. Hang on. The celestial baby says it is coming back soon and the time of judgment is upon us. Hold on. Hold on. Wait a minute.

The celestial baby is saying daddy's Hold on. Hold on. Oh, no. Wait a minute. The Celestial Baby is saying, Daddy's coming home in 16 days. Wait. Wait. It's not saying that. It's not saying that. It's saying, everybody give Jackson your bank details. I will be here in 16 days.

Hang on. Something's going wrong. Hang on. Hang on. Sock jobs for Jackson, and the Celestial is going to crack the earth open like an egg in 16 days, dooming us all. But they thank you for your service.

Wait, no, no, no. I'm pretty sure it was something about. Discount that last part. Something about. After stock jobs. I'm pretty sure it was kisses and that you have been judged and you have been found unworthy. The holy fire will burn inside my mouthpiece.

Okay, I'm packing it in. This was a scare, guys. Thank you for the jewels and kisses. I really think I need to get as far away from this creature as possible as quickly as possible. And it does not matter how far I travel, how long I hide, I have formed a connection with the celestial. Because I need to get out of there is no escape from me.

I am eternal and forever. My vessel must be strong. Oh, no. Oh, fuck. I think I might be about to catch fire from the inside. That's going to be a new and scary feeling. This really wasn't worth it. And then shield land, and at that exact moment,

my eyes become like torches. Fuck! Start screaming, I am the herald. They are returning. You have been judged Shield I just plug me twice Yeah yeah You don't die

Cause you're now full of celestial juice But you get plugged Oh yeah But I'm gone Jackson's gone Jackson's gone You're gone But the

Your spirit in heaven Saint Peter's still chasing me So you can just walk in Someone left the gate open What the fuck That's crazy I said fuck in heaven St. Peter's still chasing me So you can just walk in Someone left the gate open What the fuck That's crazy I said fuck in heaven That's sick

Holy shit Alright Cunt Balls Where the fuck Does one motherfucker Get a drink around here So all in all

How'd we all do Well two of us died Yeah two of us died Which is not really what you would expect from trying to make money off the Celestial. Yeah. I guess you became quite famous. Briefly.

I never got to enjoy it. Your body is probably still famous. Yeah, I'm looking at my iPhone in heaven or whatever as my body flies around Earth causing destruction. That's pretty good. Yeah. Yeah, pretty good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

But could be better. And then like, yeah, after your body's flying around causing destruction, you're in heaven drinking a beer or whatever, a cider, whatever you drink, a cocktail. Yeah. A shrimp cocktail. Mayonnaisey. Yeah. A shrimp cocktail. Mayonnaisey. You see like someone that's like, like talking to St. Peter and pointing at you.

That guy killed me. Oh no. Running away in heaven. Turn around and I'm like, hello, I'm the son of the son of God. Can I help you? It worked. You convinced everyone. I can't lie. I'm on the right hand of the right hand of the father, baby. My friend Joel Dusha.

Incorrect. I'm James Christ. I'm James... James Christ. You click your fingers and I fall into the fiery pits of hell You shouldn't have killed And I guess I'll just get some sweet

4K footage of Your body Raining hellfire Yeah 8 hours of body raining hellfire To lo-fi jazz For sleep or relax Yeah I think We're all winners to lo-fi jazz or sleep or relax.

Yeah. I think we're all winners. Together we came together and really did what we came to achieve. Once again, the business acumen flowing through our veins. Powerful, young, sexy businessmen. Yeah, yeah.

Fat hogs, fat business boys. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've also been Joel. businessmen. Yeah, yeah. Once again, Fat Hogs, Fat Business Boys. No, that's not what I've been, Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've also been Joel. Hire us for your next business engagement. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

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