Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Exploit the Magic Pudding for Personal Gain or Financial Profit?

Episode Date: June 14, 2026

It's a question as old as time, if you had access to a magic pudding that has the powers of 1. is a little man 2. can be eaten infinitely and 3. if you spin the pot a bunch of times he can become any pudding, how could you exploit that for personal gain or financial profit. Zammit lets the exploit part of that sentence do A LOT of heavy lifting, JD becomes Jesus 2 and Jackson is devastated to learn the news that Meat Load died. So listen in, be afraid of Zammit's machine and discover a new way to take pills.Links to everything at https://linktr.ee/plumbingthedeathstar including our terrible merch, social media garbage and where to become a subscriber to Bad Brain Boys+ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star. Plumbing the Death Star is a comedy pop culture podcast and ask the important questions. That's right. Like, whoa. You're not going to introduce yourself? I'm Joe. I'm Jackson. I'm also Joe.

I almost unplugged my microphone. That's fair. Which would have been fair. We're a comedy pop culture podcast. I already said that. Well, we ask the important questions. Like, how would you exploit the magic pudding for personal gain or? Financial profit.

So I've recently, as of about half an hour ago, finished the magic pudding. This is what I say, the most research this show has ever done. What's the name of the magic pudding? Albert. Whoa! And he was paying attention.

Yeah. And there's bunya blue gum is the koala. Sam Sorn off is the penguin. And I believe the sailor's name is Bill. As to his surname, I have forgotten. Yeah, that's okay. really think. That's already, like, to be fair,

just listed up for, I was not expecting to remember Albert. And Albert was the only one I knew. Yeah, exactly. Albert's the magic pudding. Zero. Tell us about the magic pudding as a man who has ever read the magic pudding. So Sam, the penguin and Bill the sailor, they get shipwrecked sea on an iceberg with a ship's cook.

And he's got a magic pudding. And they kill the cook. They push him into the sea. And they steal. Did the cook make the pudding? It's unclear. If so, that's, don't kill the cook. Yeah, well, the pudding's alive now, so it's chill.

Was the pudding alive or? The implication is that the pudding, the chef made. He is the pudding? Well, no, he made the pudding. Yeah, but then, is the pudding alive before they kill the cook or they'll go. Well, you get this in a kind of song in the book. So far be it for me to analyze the origin of the pudding. They kill me, dad, now I'm a pudding.

Hang on. Is this? Okay. I imagine this book is from the early... It's like from the... It's like... 1917 or something. 1917, yeah.

Okay. When you read books like this, because a lot of the time, they'll just be like, here's a song. Yeah. Are you just skipping over the song? No, I'm reading the song?

Not all of them, because there's a fucking lot in this book. That one you read. It becomes egregious after a while. There they go, oh, we've saved our pudding from a bunch of pudding thieves. Let's sing a song about it. And I go, I'm skimming this one.

Okay? I've been good and read the others. This is a skis. I just read how you did it I don't need a song about it Exactly I don't need to do double reading But they sing a song about it

And in it they say and then the chef just fell He just fell off the iceberg I don't know but then the pudding's like You killed him off the ice cream Yeah okay Anyway the pudding is magic in three ways Okay firstly he's a little man Okay so imagine like a round steak and kidney pudding

He's got a plate for a hat steak and kidney pudding That's what they say But a pudding is sweet I think back in 1817 Wait a second Yorkshire pudding No no no I guess pudding can be anything

I thought a pudding can be whatever you damn like But then Yorkshire pudding does of course mean that hey You do whatever you want How do you make a pudding? What is a pudding? What is a pudding? Like what does a savory pudding look like? I imagine it would be the same as making a sweet pudding Just instead of putting sweet things in You put savory things in

But the sweet pudding is basically a cake. Yeah. I guess you can make a savory cake. This was back before we decided everything about food. In the

1900s, you go, I'm just like, well, fucking in the 70s, they were putting right onion and jelly, so there were no microwaving chickens. This is, um, Wikipedia. So, pudding is a food, which can either be a dessert or a savory dish.

There you go. In the United States, pudding means a sweet milk-based dessert, similar in because it doesn't need to egg-based custers. I know in the UK pudding can just mean dessert. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What's for pudding, love? Yeah.

Okay, so... Red pudding, rice pudding. Yeah, okay, okay. Staking kidney pudding. I'm never eating a kidney. I'm like, have I eaten... Have I ever used... You've never had a steak and kidney pie?

I don't think so. I think I've either had steak and kidney pie. Have you? Yeah. Is it good? Have you had a steak kidney pudding? Yeah. Well, I'm not... looking at a pudding now

and I've realized that savory puddings are just pies it's basically just an upside down pie like trickiness shows oh yeah damn well I don't like that I don't want to eat it it's steamed steamed yeah so it's like a dim sum

which is good for all our Melbourne listeners and nowhere else so it's like the beef of that it's enclosed in a sweet But S-U-E-T. Sueet, I believe. Sewet pastry and slow-steemed on a stove-top. What the hell is?

So like a... British... British-a-dumpling? Yeah, it sounds disgusting. Okay, a suet pudding... Oh, here you go. Maybe it is like a horrible British dumpling. A suet pudding is a boiled, steamed, or baked pudding made with wheat flour and suet. Raw, hard fat of beef or mutton found around the kidneys.

So it's kidney fat. Piss fat? Why? What did the British have against fried? What did the British have against food? Why they do this? So funny to be like, oh, okay.

Boil that shit. Yeah, it's often, okay, so remember, it's like, you know, like, again, if we're doing, like, a lot of pudding where it's like, I'm just, I'm making, I'm making assumptions. Yeah, sorry. But it's like, it often contains breadcrumbs, dried fruits, such as raisins and other preserved fruits and spices. And then it's like, but if you do it with that with steak and kidney,

I don't know, man. That to me, like, that sounds like they're describing a fucking fruit cake. Well, he doesn't look like the pictures you've shown me. Spotted Dick is also a sew-it-cloon. The pudding's name's Albert. He just looks like a little- Clutie dumplings. Sorry, I'm excited for-

What the hell? Clooney dumplings? Clouty. Traditional Scottish pudding with flour, breadcrumbs, and dried fruit. The fuck's a spotted dick. Sugar and spices with some milk. Yeah, I know. Spotted dick.

Spotted dig. I think it's consequences of my actions. Yeah. Yeah, I'll get the dotty cock. Thank you. What? Yeah, so, I mean, it's okay. We have to use some level of like, either beef tallow or whatever, right?

Some sort of fat, lard, etc. To, like, you know, help with either flavor or to, you know, whatever, you're using, like, a fat for. And then it's like, no, no, no, we're going to, we're going to harvest the fat around kidneys and call it a different thing. Terrible. Why would they do in that? Is there a particular kind of taste? Maybe. Is it particularly of note?

Well, I don't know what kidneys taste like, having never tasted them, but did the steak and kidney pie have, like, a particular flavor? Stake and kidney pie, it just is kind of like when you, you know, like, you can, you can throw, like, anything in a pie, really. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because a pie is already, already various meats. True. I didn't make it.

I just ate it. So. You couldn't taste anything where you were like, this doesn't taste like traditional meat. I think it just changed the texture a little bit. Like, I mean, it changed the flavor. Yeah. But it's not like I was like,

Mmm, yum, kidney. Kidneys, delicious. Oh, okay, this one's different. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, I saw a picture of Sue it. I was like, yeah. Yeah, dude, the British. I'm still trying to wrap my head around how the fuck Albert is made.

Like, as in not in the, like, is in... I'll read you the poem. No, no, no, no, no, no. I mean, like, if he's a real steak and kidney pudding. Yeah. Because he doesn't look like... He just looks like a big pile of shit, to be honest. Yeah, he does, dude.

He does. Look at it. He's just, that's him right there, dude. That's what he looks like? Yeah, that's Albert the pudding. Anyway, so the first magic power of the Albertton pudding has is that he's a little guy. The second power. That's a great power to have. Being a little guy. Well, when you're a pudding, it is.

He looks cut. He's pissed off all the time, dude. He fucking hates his life. He's a real angry motherfucker. But he also loves his life. What was that? I needed a sneeze, so I didn't want to bring attention to it or make a loud noise, because my sneezes are loud.

You, in fact, managed a body that to make his own noise. That's what fucked me up. The sneeze went inside him. Yeah. Which apparently I shouldn't too, because that'll give me, like, brain damage or something. That's going to make you sick, dude. Brother, I don't think there is any amount of brain damage or required brain injuries that are going to affect us. Good point. We're immune. Yeah, inhale all those sneezes, dude. My entire brain is scar-tish at this point.

Yeah, yeah. And I just got nothing in now. Just some old coins and buttons. Anyway, the second magic power he has is that you can eat him infinitely. Yes. You cut a slice out of Albert, you chuck that down, your gob. You look back at the pudding is back. If I remember correctly, and you're the magic pudding expert.

Because I have also read it before and also... There is a movie. There's a movie in 2000. There's multiple movies. But the 2001, I think I would have seen. It had a star, St. Clair. Yeah, yeah. There's the brain damage that I was talking about.

How did it affect you? And also, when I was in high school, there was, it wasn't like a full production, but a bunch of, like, when people were doing like solo drama performances, the Magic Pudding was one of the characters you could be. Awesome. That's funny. You're aware of the pudding. I'm aware of the magic. You're putting aware. Like, hey, before we hit record, did I know the Magic Pudding's name was Albert?

Yes. I had forgotten. In my head, though, he was like a fruit cake, not like a steak and kidney pie. It should be. It makes more sense. Again, I don't know. The magic fruit cake? Just like, oh, just putting to me is a sweet dish.

Yeah, I would agree, dude. And yeah, I remember that he's like, he's full on fucking pissed off all the time. But, and I might be misremembering this. He fucking loves getting it. Yes, dude. That's his only joy in life? Yeah, he's like, I fucking hate everyone. Eat the shit out of me.

Eat my fucking body. Because, like, he gets stolen by pudding thieves. And he's like, I don't really care. I just want to be eaten. That's all I care about. And so he says this is a little guy, he loves to get eaten.

Yeah. And if you eat him, he grow back. Yeah, he grows back. And thirdly, if you twist the pot that he's in two times and you say or maybe think about a different kind of pudding, he becomes that. Pudding only? I, well, I think...

Albert, you're a sticky date from now on. Yeah. I don't know if it's pudding only. Okay. I don't know how the magic in the magic pudding works there. Okay, initially I had one option here, which I think could be a very funny thing. But then I was like, or maybe we could exploit this even further. Okay.

So my first idea is, are we all familiar with the wonderful, I guess, children entertainer by the name of agro? Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. Cartoon connection pervert. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, yeah, so with Albert the pudding, his stuff makes me think. he'd be a perfect replacement. Oh, my God. And just the, as we're filming this in front of a live TV audience,

as the children go rabid and storm the stage and feast on him while he's laughing and laughing and, like, screaming in joy and X-E, I think would make horrendous, horrible TV to watch. But I reckon it would be one of those ones where we'd be like, oh, yeah, it skyrockets to the charts, but parents do not want you to watch this. It would be rare to tune into a broadcast where things go so wrong did the crowd storm the stage and eat the host. That's the right, though.

That's all that's the intention. And the news to report that nothing bad happens. Yeah. Yeah. As designed, Albert has been consumed. But he's back now. I would be scared. If I was the human entertainer and the children were rushing the stage eating Albert, I would be like, they're going to eat me next.

Because, like, yeah, you get your little, little, before we get the whole. whole, you know, him getting an ed. He's like a little guy, he's getting all like grumpy, grumpy, grumpy, whatever. And perfect for like a little children's entertainment host kind of stuff. And he keeps a PG. He never says that. Exactly. So that's really good, you know.

And so I think it would just have to be the culmination of eventually he gets, he riles up the kids so much. He starts. Is he riling them up by yelling abuse after him in your life? I imagine it must be, surely it's got to be a subtle thing. Yes. Because it needs to be the culmination of like almost years. We need this to be like a staple of Australian television before it finally like, hey, where were you when the kids at Albert? It was fucked up.

It's also funny because in the book, they'll take like a couple of slices of Albert and then he'll regrow. At no point does anyone eat in his entirety. Because again, he's whatever he wants, right? So you get something the kids really love. Yeah. Something like really like a sweet or like, you know, something like that. It's like, you know, like basically candy. Yeah.

And so it's like, hey, today I'd like, he does love being eaten. So I don't know if it's funny if he doesn't expect it or if it's funny if he wants it all. So imagine like, you know, today on like Albert's cartoon connection, we have a special treat for you. You know, Albert is now made of candy. And like, you know, kids come up and like, you know, have a slice or whatever. Yeah. And then if you get the right age of a kid, they're going rabbit. The first kid goes in there and just one grab.

Maybe I was like, hi-ha-hi-hee. You're eating me. And then the kids like, it's candy. That's all you need. That's all you need. Albert's going to be nothing but a plate. 20 to 30 kids screaming as I all just converge on Albert, ripping him to his shreds. What I'd be scared about is, and this is a complicated question when it comes to Albert the pudding.

What bit is Albert? So like if you eat him in his entirety, does he grow back in the plate? Or in the stomach of a child. I think the pot. I think you grow back in the pot. Because you've got to spin the pot. Yeah, that's true. The pot, I guess is Albert's...

As long as maybe you had a little crumb or a little morsel in the... Wolverine rules. Yeah. So you need like a little morsel in the pot. Pop culture that you, the audience, love. Comic books. Yeah, exactly. You don't think the magic pudding heads are screaming and hooting and hooting and hollering?

Oh, they are. I think sadly a lot of them died in World War II. Yeah. Of old age. Yeah. And anybody that is... is old enough to remember the magic pudding. Can't hear this podcast.

That could be like, again, it's one, a personal gain because I'm presuming I've sold the rights. And then also more money. And then more personal gain watching it. Maybe ruining Australian television, like children's television for a good little bit. I don't know why. It makes me laugh. It's funny as well, eating Albert, because he does have like eyes.

in a mouth. Yeah. So some bit of him, you're like, well, it is a slice of steak and kidney pie, but it also is an eyeball. Yeah, yeah. On it. I was like, when they used to do like the, like the countdown with the Australian TV, which is like, and they would get like, you know, washed up celebrities to be like,

oh yeah, here's something, you know. And I reckon, 21 was awesome. Yeah, it would be something like that. Like, you know, it would appear, maybe not the first. No, no, like in like, maybe the top six. Yeah. 20 to one naughtiest moments on TV. Or unsurprising.

Oh, unsurprising. Hey, Alpert. So that was my one idea It's a great idea My other idea was because you were like Oh he loves to get eaten And we can make it anything Yeah

Like he could be like A new Messiah Yeah okay Fuck you That's not fair Is that what you were doing That's what I was doing And you had two

I'm a handball Gaghy There you go All yours Anyway so I'm the new Jesus Christ And I'm feeding the masses Nice

It's false prophet Okay And Albert I'm gonna blaspheme the fuck out of everything Don't call yourself a false prophet. No, but I am a false prophet. Earlier when I said false prophet, that was a divine mistake.

Yeah, I was testing my followers. That's the idea of cutting him into, like, cutting him open and then just communal wafers are falling out. I don't think I'll change it, but it's just like, just like, Jesus, loaves and fishes. That's what you fed everyone. You say, this is what Jesus fed. Yeah, body of Christ, no, body of algae. I go, hey, steak and kidney because fish are hard to fall. finds or something. You just can't eat Albert on a Friday or something.

I'm a little rusty. No, no, no, you eat fish on the Friday. Yeah, but he's not fish. I'm not changing him. He's stinking kidney. All right, right, right. So are you saying is the divine element, the bit that convinces everyone the fact that you... I go, Albert, shut the fuck up. For today, you don't...

Hey, you know how you fucking love getting at? Yeah. Yeah, you fucking little... I don't think you should swear. You're trying to be the next. new Jesus. I'm only swear it to you, cunt. Shut up. Wait, are you the new Jesus or it's the... I am the new Jesus.

Well, then who am I? You're just a fucking pudding. I'll break off some of the money we swindled from the church. I don't want money. I want to be eaten. Well, that's what I'm fucking here for, Albert. I'm going to make you get eaten by thousands of people. Okay, okay, okay. Every day. Okay, okay. You're all right, but hey, hey, you remember what they did to the last Jesus, JD?

Yeah, good. Okay. Except for me I'll be remembered forever Albert they're crucifying him Is that No, he wanted this I don't know

I just thought maybe you make Albert The fingerhead and you just reaped up I think this might have been the plan all along You've thought it through Okay You've heard of suicide by cops Ever heard of suicide by Romans? Oh no

Don't crucify me Also Jesus was biased I'm not Yeah It's only a matter of time. They'll go, hey, we're not going to nail you to a cross if you, I don't know,

denounce that you're the king of God, the son of God. I'll go, okay, I denounce. If anything, Albert's the son of God. Crucify him. Crucify that pudding. You fucking can. Don't you swear, Albert.

I can swear. I'm not Jesus. I'm just a fucking boarding. I'm a pudding. No! Wow. It's really easy to imagine Albert strong to the cross.

Yeah, yeah. That's really easy. So, yeah, basically, my plan is to not make... For me to be Jesus... Yeah. Two point over. Given a sermon. And Jesus comes back?

Is that the idea? Okay. So the rapture's gone. And my first miracle... Yeah. My first miracle will be feeding the masses. My second miracle will be feeding the masses the next day again. This motherfucker's only got one miracle.

Yeah. And then I just feel like this... It's also, I gotta say, really funny. I commit one miracle. Imagine what the fuck happens. Yeah, it's true. Like, again, I feed the masses. So, look, I'll get to my plan on how to do that in a second.

But I feed the masses. Imagine what happens in the Vatican. They go, oh, fuck. He's back. And he brought a little guy with it. They're just like, I think we might be in trouble. Well, they probably, because they do this. They send out investigators from the Vatican.

famously they sent one out to check if Shirley Temple was actually an adult woman as a fun little historical tidbit Yeah But anyway Was she? I don't know I couldn't say But yeah so they'll send people out to investigate you

But I guess it's just really funny that like Well because I am performing a miracle Like Jesus's miracle is like he's like I brought someone back to life I've Or it depends also because one of In the first version of the first gospel Mark I'm pretty sure there's no miracles And he also doesn't come back from the day

And then when the other gospels were written, they tacked on a part that wasn't written by the same person. I reckon he did some stuff. Actually, yeah, he was a miracle. Or maybe, no, actually, maybe there is one miracle, but it's like a weird. Whatever it is very low care. I can't remember what's the... But it's funny because all of his... It just, there's no miracle in the Bible where Jesus goes, I have a little man.

Yeah. I was going to keep a little man hidden? Or are you going to like, be like, I am Jesus and this is my little man. Well, basically... He's my homunculus. There was no homunculus. the Bible. Yeah, it's a new Bible. It's a translation. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know how you like when you speak to your great grandparents or whatever? They're fucking stupid as hell. Now imagine 2,000 years ago. The guy's writing that book, dumb. Just every sense, they're going to be like, this is what people used to look like. Yeah, this is...

What? We know how we're getting taller every generation? Go back 2000 years. We were all magic puddings. What about... Okay, well, I was going to do... I was basically just going to be like, hey Albert, in exchange for the best sensation of your life by being eaten so much every day. Yeah.

And I'm profiting off it personally. Yeah, but Albert doesn't care of my money. Yeah, and I go, Albert, so you're getting eaten. But the one agreement is you have to not talk. Oh, okay. So I'll present you as a regular pudding. It's a relic, effectively, the pudding. Alternatively, I go, this is John the Baptist.

This is my friend. John the Baptist. That's what he looked like. Yeah, we used to look like that. I'm Jesus Christ. Yeah, we're made in his image. Yeah. Not like perfect.

Yeah, yeah. We have more body than this guy, obviously. Yeah, it's steak and kidney and what are we? What are we? Pretty much. This is good because if I go, I'm Jesus Christ and this is my best friend John the Baptist, remember from the Bible. Yeah.

And then all of a sudden, like, I'll still, like, it'll just get out of hand very, quickly because I feel like Albert's then going to have to be like baptizing people in the river as well as getting... Go to the Vatican and meet the Pope. I also love the idea. Yeah, good a. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm over recent. I'm John was it?

Yeah, I got... I'm John O the Baptist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cut me open, I put water in there or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That'll baptize you? Do you not remember the... I've been bitter bits as I'm brushed up on the Bible.

That would piss me off, dude. You had a whole plane ride where he could have at least skimmed. his bits. Dude, you're meant to read a bit. You couldn't get the Bible out yet, Alba. I'm watching the movie. No, no, no, no, no. At least, did you watch at least like... They got Blinky Bill. They got Blinky Bill in here. What's it? Like, the last temptation of Christ or whatever. That's a good one.

At least watch something fucking biblical. Come on. Oh, what's this? The devil's? Jesus. Plotty hell. Is this what the church is? I can't wait. Oh, yeah. I wonder if they could replace the fucking wood. So, somebody eating. What if they could eat me? Now, I've been reading a bit, actually, now that you think about it, there's something

here says gluttony. Yeah. What's that about? It's a sin? Because I think, I don't know about that one. Yeah. Can we change there? Yeah.

Okay. I'm like, hey, everyone, I'm Jesus. This is John the Baptist. My first miracle. Ooh. That's what I'm going to do magic. Nice. Nice.

Instead of being Jesus, I got a couple of, like, maybe some, like, maybe some notes. Instead of being Jesus, could you just be like, I am a prophet, but I'm not that prophet. I'm not Jesus. I'm just another, like, I'm an aspect of, like, Jesus. I'm not like, so, you know, maybe you don't, you don't paint as like such a large target on your back by being like hey I'm just I'm a minor prophet you know what I mean yeah and um yes the Vatican

I guess it's trying to ties into what I was saying before the Vatican's not going to be look hey with respect yeah to the Catholic church I don't think they would love for Jesus to come back no because if I remember incorrectly there's a point in the Bible which they love

when Jesus goes into a temple and they're profiting of it yeah and Jesus is is fucking good. And now I'm just looking at pictures of the Vatican. Yeah. And also like, I mean,

and this one, again, pop culture. Yeah. The last crusade. Jesus is the mug, the caption, not the mug, the,

the chalice. The chalus? The holy grail. There we go. The holy mug. It's the plain one because Jesus, that's what he was about. He's the son of a copenhame.

He doesn't love ostentatious. No. But again, just let me look at the Vatican. I think if someone comes back and they go, hey, I'm Jesus and then do a miracle, the Pope. Do you think that they're going to be pissed off? No, try and crucify him straight away. Also, I feel like they wouldn't love that you're Australian.

You know, I feel like if Jesus comes back, he needs to be at least Italian. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I would argue maybe somewhere more Middle Eastern, but sure, Italian, let's go there. Well, the Vatican's, you know, there's a lot of Italian Catholics. I just think that would be good for them. I think that if...

I guess you could be anyone. If Jesus comes back and is Australian, I reckon there is a small chance that Jehovah's Witnesses try and claim that as a win. Yeah, I think you're absolutely right. American Australian? Yeah, it's kind of the same. Mormons will probably get in on that too.

Yeah. My next point, what you could do for more miracles is... Wait, hang on. Is it Mormons or is it's American Jesus? Mormon. But Jovis' witnesses, I think, of the same, are similar. Yeah. Yeah.

For more... You got the reference. And I hope you did too. More miracle work. Yeah. Could you be like spinning old Albert? Yeah. I'm thinking of a magical healing food.

Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Curing the sick. Like a cancer curing scorn or whatever. Well, that's important for my sort of answer is how far can we push Albert's... Because if we could push Albert's... Because if we could be doing more than one. Miracle.

Yeah. Cure for cancer. Cure for cancer. Oh, oh, yeah, like a pill that lets me walk on water.

Pill that lets me walk on water. Even just like regular medicine, if it has to be something that already exists. Yeah, penicill and penicill and regular medicine. It's a funny thing to ask. Regular medicine, regular medicine.

Very vague. Yeah. Just a bunch of pills. Oh, I mean, probably good. Yeah. Where's our Lazarus?

He can drink something. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I'm sure there's something you could, what miracles were walking on water? Yeah. Resurrection pill. Yeah, resurrection pill. And then we just got to like, you know, resurrect somebody.

Or his life pill? Yeah, yeah. Should we like just draw a line in the sand and say it has to be something that exists? Yeah, I think that otherwise we could go crazy. Well, I mean, otherwise. Has to be organic? I guess I'm turning him into the limitless pill. Yeah.

Exactly. Well, what can, is there something you could fake the miracles with that does exist? So, like, for example, somebody's on their deathbed, about to die, and then you inject them with, like, a kind of powerful stimulant, and they'll come back for a beard. That's still pretty impressive. Cocaine scone, cocaine scone, cocaine scone, cocaine scorn. Eat this holy scone, hurry up before you die. If you ate a cocaine scone, it would probably take a minute to kick in, I guess. Yeah.

I don't know. I've never made a... He's never had a... We've got a gang before. I couldn't tell you. Okay, so Jesus is miracles. Yeah. Walking on water.

Yeah. Curing... He cures a blind guy. Yeah. Reserrecks Lazarus. Mm-hmm. Water to wine. Water to wine.

That's easy. Putting to wine. A bowl of water. And then you go, remember when Jesus did this? Wine, why. Bitch. Bitch. I say bitch now.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wine. Wine. Wine. Wine. Wine. spell to make it work and then water into well yeah you gotta think it that's true

and then water into wine and then you go drink as much as you like get hammered i don't see if i care i don't care it's good party and then yeah that would be i feel like that that one's trick i feel like that that one's dangerous yeah because it's if it's water into wine i feel like that the like feeding 5 000 that's a far more impressive miracle or i think water to wine if you do that second yeah yeah yeah that's true i I feel like the Dora's basically because we're using Albert for both. Yeah, that's a good point. I feel like they take away from each other.

You don't want, especially if you want to be the figurehead, you don't want people to realize that all of your magic comes from Alba. John the Baptist. Yeah, John the Baptist, excuse me. Well, because the wine one from vague memory, it's like, he basically saves a party. Yeah. And it's very small scale thing. Yeah. Yeah.

So it's subtle as well, I'm pretty sure. So basically you're saving a party. Yeah. And then it's like, what a hell? Oh, you just made some water to wine. Yeah. Iran, he feeds the masses. It's also really funny to imagine you, if you were like, Albert, he's too strange.

You know, I've got to keep him hidden and then just go to like a special shrine to get the food. Because I think that also works because if anybody sees Albert, it's such a ridiculous and bizarre thing that you can easily gaslight them and be like, are you believing this person? But I have a little man that you can eat infinitely. I don't think so. I don't think what you could do with Albert is like if you get some sort of like a machine. Okay. That's important. That's a vital step to most prominent

the Death Star episode. Okay, so, picture this. A machine. I'm acquired a device. Why is a machine? You have a machine and then you tear your eyes out. You might want to after the horrors I'm about to suggest. Oh, yeah.

You get a machine and then we strap in Albert. I don't say John the Baptist. We strap in Albert. What's to do you? And so then we can like, what if we got like, I just was like dog food, dog food, dog food. Okay. And so a little machine where I've got Albert all tied up

and basically want to try and like automate this where I get like a cylindrical like punch and just punches him in the stomach that slops out some dog food. That's good. Retracts, wait for the regenerative powers kick in, punches him the stomach, slops out some dog food, retracts, weight, punch and then just do that infinite

and just like just kick-start canning that dog food. And then I just have a little. I just sell dog food. I wonder if, because it would take presumably when they slaughter cows for dog food or they get like slurry, that's like quick as fuck, right? Like it's just like, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, dog food in the can.

Presumably. Good little rhyme there. If I was selling dog food, that might be the jingle I would use. But anyway, but with Albert, because you've got to wait, I wonder if the fact that you never have to buy cow organs or whatever. And imagine, like, my machine, it's quite little. Yes, that's true. Like my machine only has to restrain Albert

and have like a hole, like a hole punch that goes straight through him. That's... Honestly, like, you could just get like... Like one of them fuck machines? And just put like a little, a little, like a little sore on that. I think this stretches the definition of eating quite extremely. Shut up, Albert.

You're making me millions. Bang. At least eat me with a spoon all. so. Dogs have got to be eating this. Shut up. It doesn't count once it's out of me. I guess also you don't want to eat him

at the same thing because it's dog food. Wow. I guess you... No, that's a stupid question. Okay, no. Oh, I would hate to explore that. Sorry, were you listening? Did you hear that?

I... Look, my out of costume. Basically, I've turned into some... fucked up BDSM dog food making machine. And I'm Jesus Christ too, and your question, stupid? My question was going to be, is there a point? So, because what I was thinking is I go,

well, you wouldn't want to eat Albert at the same time because he's dog food. And then I was like, well, you could kind of pick what kind of dog food he is. And then I was thinking, is there in the Venn diagram, is there a dog food that's so good that you would want to eat it? Oh, yeah.

I guess you could do pre-year. Is there the lowest food for a man? And the highest food for a dog? Are they the same? I guess so. Look, you're desperate enough. I've got this magic pudding that can be any food. I'm making it the best dog food, but which is also the worst human food.

I mean, there's probably... Could I do? Because I'm thinking just because with like a cylindrical like punch. Yeah. You could easily get like stuff or a can. Yeah. So I'm just thinking, could you do like a Bachelor Chow? Oh, yeah.

Well, that's what I was thinking. A premium, you know sometimes you see the soup. A premium bachelor chow. Sometimes at the supermarket there are like those just like logs of meat. There's definitely been dog food that's like so good even you could eat it as part of the advertising. But I don't think they encourage people to eat it. They have anything. They'd be like, please don't eat our dog food.

Hey, Google, is it safe to eat dog food? I once ate dog food. Uh-huh. Hey, look, I once got tricked into eating a schmacko. Who amongst us? The dog food I ate. Wow. A rare Jaldusha win.

I've never been stupid enough to eat dog food. Hey, that's understandable. The dog food. I believed my friend. Yeah, that's big mistake. I did it on purpose, but that's because... This seems worse. The dog food was Scooby-Doo themed.

They were called Scooby Snacks, and on the packet, they said, safe for human consumption. Okay. So me and my... Fair enough, I'd eat one. Yeah, we were like, well, it's fucking Scooby Snacks. And let me tell you, it tasted like shit.

It tasted more like dog food than human food. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A couple of years ago, Jimbrose started eating dog food because it was a very, very, very, very high in protein. Okay. And very cheap. Yeah. I can imagine. God, I love Jim Bros.

Just boil some chicken. Add some spices. No. I'm eating dog food, actually. No. I've got something better. I'm actually dog food. Well, here's a quote from BuzzFeed News that interviewed one of them.

But he said, it tasted like little pieces of dirt, and I definitely don't think it was worth it. Yuck. Would you rather eat dog food or cat food? Dog food. I don't know. I think I'd go dog food, honestly. Cat food? Cat food has a...

This smell. For some reason, I'm like... I'm like a dog food. Cat food for some reason, I'm associating more with fish. Yeah. It has to be wet, by the way. Oh, we're eating wet food? Yeah.

But I'm like, oh, like cat's breath. disgusting and awful, but that's because I've, like, I know it more recently. Whereas dog's not great. I can't imagine also being good, so I don't know. As a, well, I mean, cat food is just jellied fish, which is something that people, human beings used to

eat. That's true. When we were fucked up. Yeah, yeah. They go, oh, we've invented jello. Yeah. Chuck some chuner in it. Chalking some chisel in that shit. Yeah. Yeah. There's dry food that I feed our cats and it weirdly smells like Cheetos.

Have you ever thought about just trying one? No. Are you thinking about trying one now? No. He is. But if I was doing it every day and it smelled like Cheetos, then maybe... Cheaters, but it sounds delicious. But I do know it's cat food.

Only because I told you. If you were like Jackson, try this cracker and it smelled like Cheats. You could have tricked me. Try this human kibble, I say. Jackson, I got some human cat food. Do you eat patte? Yeah. That's duck liver.

Yes, dude. And then Doug. would be cat food. Yes. I think you could eat this cat food. Thanks, man. I think that, like, just go give it a try. Yeah, go on.

I'll go give you a scoop. Not even a scoop, just like a little one. I'm not eating cat food. There are many depths that I will go to. I will debase myself in many ways, but I will not eat cat food. How is cat food that much different from like some of the weird foods and drinks? You eat a cat food then. But I don't eat.

The reason I was. single you out here is you are and listeners would probably know this especially people that watch on YouTube because often if you have a drink or a snack of any variety it will be the weirdest and strangest thing you've ever seen in a shop and that appeals

to you and I think I've seen you do that at this point in the hundreds of times and I would say maybe 15 times it's worked in your favor yeah dude I like those odds yeah so this cat food may look probably won't be the worst thing you've had in your mouth I don't

know if that's true. Well, also the way you... Here's the thing with Jackson eating cat food. Straight of a gullet. Yeah, I mean, one, he won't taste it. Two, it would just be, I ate cat food for no reason. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You could easily eat dog or cat food because you eat like a dog.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sometimes. Yeah. It's like, like, a dog. It doesn't realize that he, like, he could chew. Yeah.

I'd be like the kind of dog where it's very easy to give me pills. You know, because I'm just eating and not paying it. It's like a dog that... That's crazy because you can't eat pills. That's true, unless it's in a ravioli, which you swallow whole. Then I can do it.

Which for those playing at home is about ten times bigger than a pill. But slippery. Yeah. You need that goop that you give to like people who like with dementia or whatever

they have to like swallow pills or something. They can't swallow any more. Baby food is apparently another good way to do. What if you, maybe, okay, next time you need to take a pill,

why not just like rub it in a bit of bottle? Or lube. That's, uh, okay. Vaseline. Just loop that up. Yeah, you're putting it on my kitchen counter just squeezing a thing of like

strawberry, flavored lube on it. Awesome. And then instead of picking it up with my hands, just slurping it with my lips off the counter. Exactly. I'll get the modified fuck machine that I'm getting with the magic pudding.

Put a little pill there, covered in lube. Yeah, exactly. Taking pill. Okay. I just had the worst mental... Yeah. One of those dildo fucking machines.

Yeah, yeah. And then just putting the pill on the top of it. And they just... No. Oh. Dude, that's a great idea. Taking a pills by deep throat. Feeling, I'm really bad at swallowing pills.

The only way I can do this. It cleared everything. I know it's gone. My headache is gone. Surely deep throating with addicts is going to make it way loose. None of people are either orphaned on the tip of the dilder. your deep thurning. My head hurts so bad.

Oh, okay, that's gonna kick in about half an hour. It's funny because you're like, I don't know, the idea of deep thurning, it's like pretty like, it's full on. So I'll just attach it to one of these fuck things. Yeah, that it's out of my hair.

Yeah. I just turn it on and... Hope it catches me while I'm yawning. Yeah. Hundreds of seconds. It's a good way to do. Take the medicine and maybe calm. Yeah.

Yeah, exactly. Wow. What's two headache cures in one? Orgasms often help. They never do. You'll be feeling vibrant. If I'm ever, if I ever have the genius idea of like, damn, I got a headache, I should jack my dick on. Yeah.

It goes away for, okay, I come. The period of orgasm? I come. During the orgasm, I'm like, it worked. And then it fades back in so quickly. And ten times. Oh, I know. Every time I got a headache.

It's like, oh, my wife has an headache. We're like, well, what if? And, like, it'll work this time. It never works. But it might this time. Yeah. Every time. No.

They're like, ah! Oh, it's horrible, dude. My head. They're lying to you. When they say, hey, here's a sexy way to get rid of your headache. They're lying to your eyes. But it might work this time. If it's a tension headache, it works.

If it's anything else, like, sometimes, like, if you're hungover or, like, you've got a headache from like. Yeah. Hey, hey, trust me, I've been in the trenches. It's not good. hungover or like, you know, dehydrated or like anything that is like things you've put in your body. Doing a cum makes whatever response that worse. Tension, however, it does release. I would say the worst one is, and it's the headache I have 99% of the time, it's like a precious sinus headache.

Because the moment you come, your whole body, and then, yeah, you black out for about a second. When I had a sinus infection that was going, flying under the radar, because it wasn't affecting my nose. or ears, it was affecting like under my eyes. And like above my forehead. So basically doctors were like, that's when, I think I've spoken about this on the podcast, but I was on a two-week no-com. I remember.

The doctor prescribed, like, to become an in-cell. That's crazy. Yeah, that's nuts, dude. I was involuntary. Yeah, no, I was involuntary. You're right, you're right. You're correct, you're correct. Yeah, the doctor was like, hey, sorry, you're an in-cell now.

And I go, what the fuck have you done? to me. Yeah. Maybe read some of this literature. Here's some web. This seems like a step you can go to. Yeah. Yeah, because they were like, hey, it could be like a

sinus thing. Or you could be about to have a stroke. Damn, dude. Love one, Doctor. I wish I could have a stroke. Just a little one. Hey, don't know. I go for a checkup during that

two week period and they go, okay, so we got the results. It looks like you're at risk of a stroke. I'm like, yeah, damn. Every time I'm alone, I'm risking a stroke. Are you kidding me? Can I come yet? they go, Joe, you're not listening to me. You might not.

This is not, I understand. You're in your 30s and your brain wants to die. Yes, dude. I'm dying for a con. I'm dying for some brain. Let him go jerk off in the toilet and come back because we can't have this conversation any other way. Yeah, but if you jerked off in the toilet,

he might have a stroke. Honestly? You just hear like, come. Yeah, I'll have a stroke. See, he's not going to start. Grown, bang of my head hitting the toilet seat, blood coming out from underneath the... Ah, okay.

I think I can see what happened here I think I figured out what went down Yeah but yeah Basically yeah Because my signet Like calming was causing my sinus To just like

Making my brain Get crushed Yeah It's bad dude You get like little Dots sometimes Let me tell you that first comeback Wasn't even good

No it never is Dude Come after a long period of time It's always a dud And you're always trying to romance yourself too And be like this is gonna be good And then it's like P-P-P-E

Yeah, dude. It stinks. Maybe this time it will. Maybe this come will fix your headache. And if you wait for ages, it will be huge. It'll feel great. Big load, minimal satisfaction. Exactly.

That's usually what happens. Yeah. Oh, sweet. A bigger mess to clean up. Yeah, exactly. And an orgasm one third of the regular enjoyment. I'm so glad I waited. Exactly.

And now my headache is 10 times worse. And I'm covered in my own jism. Fuck my life. I can't be bothered to clean this. Oh, he's the stroke. Oh, fuck. Bad timing. Oh.

I've been the magic prank episode. I haven't seen Dusha to couple hours. I need to check on him and he came so hard the right side of his body got paralyzed. Guys, I think I fucked up. He stroked out while having a stroke and he's covering his own filth. Fuck. Do I put on pants, like his pants first, then call an ambulance? I don't think I can deal with this today.

I'm just going to shut the door and go for a walk. Man, imagine a first responder coming to, like, coming to that, like, could you put a blanket over him? Boys, if I ever discovered you in either of those states, I would intentionally start a house fire just to cover the trap. I'm not dead. I'm not dead, but thanks, man. I was going to say, first I was like, well, I could just be like, become a cash pie or whatever,

and then just crack him open, take the money, become a millionaire. But the more I think about him, you would never, if he, get Albert, put him in your dog bowl, go dog food. You're never going to feed your dog. That's pretty good, you know? Albert just sits at the corner of your house. Your dog comes over, eats Albert. The thing is, you can. Dogs notoriously.

Unless you've trained it really well. No, this is good as well. Kill dogs. Well, it's a slow death because it's going to be... It'll overeat until it pops. Yeah. It'll overeat, then vomit, then eat it again. And then it just depends what kind of dog food.

Because I get it all just calories in. You're going to get like a fat dog. Well, maybe I do it with pigs and then I sell the pigs to slaughter. Fat and up the pigs. Yeah, exactly. You could, yeah, actually. I put Albert in the trough. Yeah.

I say, become slop. I don't care. Do whatever the fuck. Who cares? Slop boy, slap boy, whatever. Shut up. I try and make the, you know, the pork taste. Become Coca-Cola or whatever.

And the bigs just drink Coke and then kill them and you get delicious, you know. I was just thinking that you just don't know if to worry about it. Each guy become dog food. But you're like, what you're doing, though, there's too many steps, though. Oh, I pick him up and put him in a high up place or whatever. No, but there's just too many steps, though. You could just be like, I don't know, uh, uh, Coca-Cola pig, and then you spin him, and then you just sell that already pre-butchered.

Yeah, that's true. That's a good point. Because now you have to run a farm. Yeah, that's true. That's true. Exactly. Well, that's like, again, you get mine machines. Yeah, I do.

And you just get like Coca-Cola ham, and you're punching me in the stomach. Jackson Bailey's tubes of Coca-Cola ham. I just think it's the best idea. I'm Jackson Bailey, the inventor of Coca-Cola ham. form. It's good for you. It's good for you. It's good for you.

I can't legally say that, but it is delicious. I can't legally say 80s things. Actually, my lawyer who's just off-screen is telling me, shut the fuck up. He said, fuck. Sorry about that. My lawyer has a gun. It keeps alternating between pointing it at me and pointing it at himself. Also, I said, hey, tubes have made people like eating tubes.

Ever heard of a fucking whole? Hot dogs? I shouldn't swear. God is now pointing back at me for those playing at home. I don't know which I'd rather, because, I mean, obviously, if I die, that's bad. But if he dies, the amount of people that are going to assume me, you're going to win. So I don't know what I'd prefer. Oh, God, he's holding back an army of thousands.

Very justifiable litigations against me and my business. You could do hot dogs. Rather than, like, a large pole punch. It's like a thin one. I don't know, though. So he's pushing through. But the large tube... I'm a big fan of a line.

A loaf, almost. A loaf. Yeah, it's Jackson's loaf. It's Jackson's meatloaf. I invent... I get meatloaf on... He's dead. He's dead of COVID, dude.

Fuck. I come out and I say, unfortunately, meatloaf has died of COVID. As though it's like new news. So he can't. I'm so, so sorry to break the news to you put meatloafers died of COVID. An important announcement from Loafco. Hi, I'm Jackson Bailey, CEO of Loafco.

Are you sitting down? We're flying our loaves at half-mast today. It's meatloafs. About six years ago or so. It's really sad. In an interview, Jackson, why? Did he work for the... No.

No. We only started a year ago, but he would have. Yeah, he would have loved us for us. He would have loved us, dude. He's the only loaf-based musician I can think of, so. He's some, maybe the only loaf-based guy I could think of. I reckon, dude. And then we, because you're right, hot dogs, that's a good idea.

Yeah. The same company that makes the loaf of Coca-Cola pork. We also make a extra large bun, like hot dog buns, and you can do a big hot dog. Loafco's big hot dogs. Like, that's fucking money in the bank. Yeah. You can take that home?

You could take that home. He can take that up. It all requires is the consistent and constant torture of Alfred the match of him. But it's not torture because he likes being eaten. That's true. But I don't know how he's... Because he like being old punched by a buck machine? That I'm less clear on.

Maybe we... It's delay gratification. We're edging. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, because in the book and stuff, he does get cut into slices. So it's like, it's not like that having like... Yeah, that's...

a good point. You don't have to eat him directly out of the bowl. It's not like that he's got spoons stuck in his head and he wants people to be like, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. So, I think that's fine. Whole punching Albert with a fuck machine. As long as down the track, people eat him. Yeah. The amount, honestly, it's probably too much pleasure for it. Yeah, I think so. We might have to gag him. Yeah, well, but... The ball gag on Albert. That's not quite what I was thinking. I mean, it's awesome. A bull gag on Albert as a dillow attached to a fuck machine. Some restraints, you know. punches fucking tubes of meat out of him.

Jackson goes on TV to advertise. Exactly. And I go, give him some leather restraints if we want. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're getting off on it now. Yeah. And I, you know, I say,

what's the secret to my success? Headaches constantly. I'll never tell. This little man. Just cuts to him. Bulga. Boom. Boom.

Boom. Boom. We thought you were going to say like ingenuity or like an entrepreneurial spirit A magic little man And my love of meat Just watching him into utter bliss As he gets his whole punch

You're eating Jackson Loafes all over the country As we speak and every bite Is like one million orgasms To Albert the pudding So thank you for helping him come Everybody just watching me like And thank you to our field reporter and back to the news. Did he say he had a little magic man?

Did he say that everyone's helping the little magic man come? I don't know if I am such a fan of loaf co anymore. I used to be their biggest supporter, but I know. And as that phase, it says, in loving memory of meatloaf. I do anything slow. So a rendition of bad at a house That's like Like a bad at a

Love you That's the piece of meatloaf Question mark Question mark Question mark Two question mark question mark Died of COVID Yeah

I think that's Perfect Probably the way to do it I would say Yeah Who knew Who knew that the episode was gonna go

Even at halfway through Not I dude Not I Not I Steady sailing up until about Halfway through Well On that note

I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've also been Joel. Let us know how you would have used the magic pudding. Exactly. What other beloved pieces of child children's literature? Would you like us to desecrate? I wouldn't have said any of that, but hey, it's really out there now.

Yeah. And remember, you can support plumbing the dad star. You can allow us to continue doing this until we're old men. And help us with presumably a lot of litigation and our lawyer fees. Exactly, by subscribing to the bad brain boys, getting access to the Discord, bonus episodes. But most importantly, this is a direct product of your subscriptions. And kindness. And kindness and your love for what we do, what we contribute to the world.

And I don't know if you've listened to multiple shows in our network, but I feel like at this point in our careers, we're really asking for a lawsuit. It's getting closer and closer, and lawyers ain't cheap, okay? No, no. Not even bad ones. No, they are. So please subscribe. And if you do subscribe, thank you for your support. Thank you so much.

We love you. And I love you so much. All the mean things I always say, none of those apply to you if you are subscribed. Yeah, of course. Yeah, exactly. Anything mean we've ever said, think the opposite. Yeah.

You know who you are. And the bookmark was free with the book. That's not what I was worried about. I'm actually up one bookmark, dude. Oh, okay. That's good. That's how... I get a stain on my shirt.

How'd that happen? Whoa, that's a big stain. Well, it's more like water. Okay, well, that'll buff out. But it was just dry in the episode. Yeah. Everyone's going to think I pissed my chest. I don't think so.

Shall we do poses? Oh, yeah. Eat and pork. I'm not yum yum yum I'm cooking the pudding I'm spinning the pudding

I'm fighting off pudding thieves dude I'm selling this pudding to the pudding thieves dude Oh fat stacks Separate to the pudding Yeah I'm in a burger

Separate to the pudding Fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck To eat my pudding I gotta go back in time Yeah I don't eat that pudding Back in the future

Yes dude Ha ha ha ha ha.