Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Fare At Xavier's School For Gifted Youngsters?

Episode Date: September 19, 2019

Sign up to our newsletter here; http://eepurl.com/cM3in9Join our facebook group here; https://www.facebook.com/groups/535280830149669/ Check out our upcoming lives shows right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/ Watch us stream here; https://www.twitch.tv/sanspantsradioYou can now physically send us stuff to PO BOX 7127, Reservoir East, Victoria, 3073Theme music by the wonderfully talented Benny Davis! You can find all his stuff at his website https://bennydavismusic.com or check out his YouTube https://youtube.com/bennythejukeboxWant to help support the show?Sanspants+: https://sanspantsplus.comPodkeep: https://sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: https://audiobooksontape.comMerch: https://streamlabs.com/sanspantsradio/merchWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail] Twitter:  https://twitter.com/sanspantsradioWebsite: http://www.sanspantsradio.comFacebook: https://facebook.com/SanspantsRadioReddit: https://reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Jackson: https://twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadDuscher: https://twitter.com/dusch13Zammit: https://twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sans Pants Radio, Australia's dumbest podcast network. Hey everybody, welcome to episode 300B of Plumbing the Death Star. Four hours before our actual 300 episode went live, we decided to cuck ourselves and get to 300 first by streaming on Twitch. Hey everyone, and welcome to our 300th episode of Plumbing the Death Star. Whoa, B. B. everyone and welcome to our 300th episode of plumbing the death star whoa b b where we ask the important questions like how would you fare what's the next bit We're mutants. First of all, we've got to decide on a mutant power.

I would like to have the power to sweat bullets. So I get sweaty and it's like every paw fires a bullet out of my skin. You are a very moist boy. I'm wet constantly. That makes sense. At puberty, a sweaty time. Okay, so that answered question one. So it happens at puberty.

Yes. Second question, bullets definition. Are you sweating and the sweat drops function like bullets or heavy like bullets? No. I'm sweating literal like as though fired from a magnum handgun. Are they going like bang? Yes. You're firing with the force of a bullet from every pore that is sweating.

I have to walk with my arms above my head so that my underarm, so I don't shoot myself in the ribs. So what happens the first time you sweat? Yeah. But then if you're holding up, if you sweat from your head, you have a sweaty head. Yes. So you're going to have to walk.

What about your inner thighs? I have to waddle What about your inner thighs? I have to waddle forward with my inner thighs out. What about your, like, your ass cheeks? They shoot through it. My ass is shredded. You're dead. I have a shredded ass. Sweaty balls.

Swamp ass. All of these things are going to kill you. It's all firing out. Are you alike? So it's not instant kill you. Are you similar to like, say, a cyclops where you're immune to your own bullets? Yes, probably for the sake of my shredded ass.

Yes, we're reconstructing that ass, no longer shredded. So you sweat bullets and maybe you bounce bullets off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm bulletproof for my own bullets. Jacko bullets, we call them. Hang on. Yes.

I hate this. Yes. Are they lead or are they fleshy? Let's make them fleshy. Let's make them bones. Okay. So you're shooting off bone. All right.

So you're a worse marrow. Yes. It's not bone I need, though. It's excess bone. Okay. So shooting off bones. All right. So you're a worse marrow. Yes. It's not bone I need, though. It's excess bone. Okay. Again, you're a worse marrow. Okay. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. So that hits me in puberty, a sweaty time. I guess I'm rolling around in bed. Oh, no. Ma. Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew. All right.

So you're Ma. Ma, I shot the bed. Why is my hand up? I don't know. Okay. I think you've killed your parents. Although I think you've got to get you in, like, a nice air-conditioned place. Yes.

Or do you sometimes get, you know, when you get, like, if you're, like, you're still kind of hot, but you still get sweaty? Yes. I get sweaty no matter what. The only way this is. Dunk you in a pool. The only feasible way to keep my bullets from damaging is if I'm put in a big lead hamster ball or a big bulletproof hamster ball.

If bullets don't work on you, just put you in a suit that is bulletproof, like chain mail or something. That's crazy and I'm going to have to have little... You know, like in the Shawshank Redemption, I'm constantly going to be leaking bullets out my pants. You know how you can kind of like, it's like the HeLa cells, but they get like a little bit of like

growth, the cancerous growth and then it kind of, they just kept growing it. They get like a little bit of you and like grow that, like your skin cells. So you're suggesting make a suit out of me for me to wear. Yes! That is the most awful thing I

have ever heard. What? I assume that's going to happen when I arrive at the academy. If I arrive at the academy. But first of all, how am I found? Because that's how the academy works. House explodes into bullets killing mama and papa. A lot of dead people and your fleshy bullets everywhere. It's track.

You in the center. It's because, yeah, were you a, okay. Can I pitch? I have a question. Sure. Were you an athletic child? No. Shock.

But I was forced to run sometimes. So can I pitch you the moment my powers kick in? Yes. It's track. We've got to do a lap of the, of the oval. I'm running. Oh no. I'm getting a sweaty back.

All of a sudden i noticed that i'm kind of in front i turn around to see that the bullets have fired from my back and killed all my classmates that's funny to assume you were in front to begin with and also when you're sweating and you're running it's like your underarms you're gonna hear this like little sharp oh what's that something hurts in my underarms but i best not look oh what my last cheeks feel metal or are you like because you're on the starting track, a little bit nervous and sweating that you just start shooting everyone

in the head. Maybe that happens, but at the same time, the gun goes off and I just think, it's the bullets. I'm like, man, why did everybody scream in agony when that guy fired the gun off? That's normal. You're like so far in the zone that you just don't pay attention. As you're running by, you're shooting everyone in the stand.

You've wiped out a small town. That's great, cause that means I run through the finish line with my arms up like this. Yeah, celebrating. Yeah! Oh, fuck. Everyone's dead, there are a couple people. And then Xavier rolls in.

Hello, Jackson. Stop Jackson. Stop sweating. Stop squatching water Jackson. Jackson. It's good to have a chair that I can pretend to be Charles in. Yeah, that is good. Okay.

Oh, no, I've killed everyone. Hello, Jackson. Hello. I'm Mrs. Doubtfire. Hello, Jackson. Hello, Jackson. I'm Professor X. Hello, we run a wee academy for kids like you! You're Robin Williams in a dress!

Don't tell my wife! Don't tell my wife! I'm trying to spy on my children! Oh, no! You're Mrs. Dadfire! No, I'm not! Why are you here? Oh, I think that's the wrong one.

It felt good to get in character by wheeling Away from the microphone and then back to the microphone It is powerful Well it's funny because I imagine Professor X arriving being like Stop sweating for a moment I can't Right we're just going to switch off your brain For a bit

I figure he would just probably send Colossus Or maybe Wolverine To be like There's a boy who is firing off bone bullets. I mean... Magneto comes thinking it's metal. Isn't. Magneto comes just like, oh, stop that.

Oh, well, fuck this. I don't need this. I'm thinking of calling him Bone Bullet. You on board? Perhaps Boner Bullet as a joke? What about Sweating Bullet? Sweating Bullets Sweat Burner

Ah, Swamp Ass Tell him his name is Sweat Burner Hey kid I got some bad news for you I got some bad news for you, Bob What's going on? You're called Sweat Burner I'm not for you. I got some bad news for you, Bob. What's going on? You called sweat boner.

I'm not. My name is Jackson Bailey. Nah, Bob. I'm sorry. It's sweat boner now, Bob. Decision's been made. We are very sorry that you are now sweat boner. Well, what are you? I am Colossus.

Because I am big and strong. This is Wolverine. I'm Wolverine. Don't do his accent. That's rude. I don't know why you're doing this, Wolverine. It's rude. You're from Canada.

You should have a Canadian accent. There it is. There it is. I think if Wolverine told me that his name was Wolverine, I'd be like, oh, you got a dud too, I guess. You're just like a little animal. It's not that cool. Yeah, a lot of writers who write for me think it's a wolf.

They're wrong. There's an episode, issue of Wolverine, where they talk about how Wolverine howls at the moon. Yeah, they fucked it. I'm pretty sure Wolverines can't look up. Yeah, they don't. Why is there a myth about every animal not looking wolverines can't look up. Yeah, they don't. Why is there a myth about every animal not looking up? Dogs can't look up.

Bullshit. The sky is only for certain animals. The actor that played me, Hugh Jackman, he didn't even know wolverines existed. He thought they were a lie. In the car going to the academy, I'll be next to a wolf in between a wolverine and a colossus, and I'll be like, so is a Wolverine like a wolf?

No. Can I have some of the drinks in this limo? You're kind of like a little badger. Does it eat goose eggs? Yeah, like I think most wolves. Does it eat goose eggs? I bought goose eggs. Because I have some.

I did not have to break while you were running. I just shrugged. I shot too and nothing happened to these eggs. These eggs are immune to me. Is it okay if I eat these eggs in the limousine? I've already begun. Are they hard boiled? No.

They're what I like to call raw. The idea of just cracking up like a straw into an egg and then just sucking it out. It's no good. Sucking that out and being like, oh, so sweat bonus. That's my name. Look, there's been some really good names before. Look, there's been some Jubilee.

It's not great. It's no sweat bonus. Jubilee sounds like a name. Yeah. Sweat bonus. So we arrive at the academy, presumably. Like we said, we're going to need to engineer some kind of skin suit. Is it clever of Charles Xavier to use my skin to make suits for all the X-Men?

Well, no. No, that's disgusting. Because, again, it doesn't stop bullets. It just stops your bullets. Well, yeah, but I will be at the academy. So it's easier to stop you as opposed to everyone else. You are forgetting how your suit works already. Do you think that Charles Xavier...

Jackson, how does your suit work? Yes, I realise now. The bullets go into it and I get them out of my ankle. If anything, I maybe get like a Tony Ask-esque... A Tony Ask? Yeah, Tony Ask-esque. A Tony Ask? No, no, no. Iron Man arse bust. The arse blast 300

or whatever. Tony Stark has an arse. That's great. Imagine how good that would have been at the end of Endgame. There's a funeral pyre and they just put on an arse. Just like a fake arse. Almost like the Iron Man butt, like in the arm.

Proved that Tony Stark has an arse. So get a Tony Stark-esque suit. And then use this little pouch on the bottom where you open it and all your little bone shards fall out. I like to imagine that on the front there's a lever that uses it for fertiliser. Oh, I was imagining a lever that other students could pull to get my bone bullets.

Hey, how about a lever on the side and it opens your bomb flap? Well, similar... Yeah, yeah, similar... Oh, then I can see it. No, that's fair. No, similar to like Cyclops where he has a laser thing, you have one on your arse,

because I'm assuming your arse is the sweatiest part of you, which is why I think Swamp Ass is a better name for him. Okay. Well, similar to how Kitty Pryde went from Sprite to something else. Yeah. Sprite to like Roller Gogo. So as I'm wandering around learning to use my power, pulling my ass lever, Professor X is like,

You're Swamp Ass now, good friend. Hey. What? You're swamp arse now. Oh, you mean... Yeah, yeah, please. Hey. What?

You're swamp arse now. Ooh! Who is that guy? I still haven't picked up what's going on. Yeah. So, would there also be levers? It sucks that they've done it with levers.

MCU, but I got a dud suit of armor, I guess. Like a handbrake. Yeah, like a handbrake. Or like the slots. Do I also have one on my underarms? Because I also get sweaty there. And one on my forehead. No, because all the boards, we only want your suit. I guess it would be like a

gimp suit so it covers your face too. So the boards don't come out. And then there's just an arse flap where that can come from. Yeah, I pulled the slot lever. And that's the only place you attack from. I'll be like, Professor X, knock knock. Yes.

Yes. There's two of you. This is my evil twin. We'll work it through. She's got an empty chip. It's good now. I made an imperfect clone that only says yes. It's fine. I'm good.

See? I need it for my self-esteem. Anyway, what's your problem? See, now we don't know who's the clone. Professor X needing another Professor X to be like, good job. He just stays in his office. I can't see the people I'm attacking with my ass.

Well, do you sweat from your eyes? I sweat from everywhere, sir. Sirs. Sorry, I forgot there was the other you. Yes, good job. Well done. My theory is that the real Professor X is gone and you're both compliment close.

First thing opening the office and they're just facing each other. Good job. Well done. Another clever move, Professor professor we did it again your boop boop boop really paid off this time you're the cleverest one in this room

no you are the cleverest one in this room anyway you can't see where you shoot well I shoot from my arse, you've designed the suit as such how about safety goals yes, what about we get Cyclops to function Well, I shoot from my arse, you've designed the suit as such. How about safety goggles? Yes, what about we get Cyclops to function, not function, fancy you up some goggles that can see behind.

Okay. Seems like it would be easier to just, okay. But then your name Swamp Ass wouldn't fit if you shot from the front. Well, you picked that suit. I know, and it was a good job. It's either swamp ass or sweaty boner. Yes. If you want to attack from the front, it's sweaty boner. Okay, I'll take swamp ass.

And you can't go from the face unless we call you dickhead. You want to be a dickhead. No, sir. That's what I thought. I like you didn't question where the dick part comes from because boner comes from. You factor shooting bones. It's very funny as well to go to Cyclops and be like, knock, knock.

Hey, the professor says you have to make me glasses to see behind me. Why? I'm not even an engineer. I didn't make these. Xavier made these for me. You should go back to Xavier. This isn't mine. What?

Professors It's funny Yes, come in Cyclops says he doesn't know how to make He says you made him his glasses Well done You passed the test Anyway, here's your glasses that will let you see only behind you

It's like a little periscope. Yeah, I'm not imagining the high tech. But you're also wearing a gimp suit. That's real bad. Always walking backwards. See some kid who can control ice or something? Yeah, cool. Real good.

Hey, you're that kid that can fire bones from his arsehole? That's not my power. I'm so sweaty. Xavier did this. Real good. Hey, you're that kid that can fire bones from his arsehole. That's not my power. Xavier did this. It seems like you fire bones from your arsehole, dude, from afar. Because you bend over and you pull that lever and little tiny bones come out. They fire out of your arse. I assume it's from your arsehole. No, it's from my pores in my arsehole.

It's actually not from my inner arsehole. It's from your arsehole. No, it's from my pores in my arsehole. It's actually not from my inner arsehole. It's from my inner cheeks. Yeah, and from sometimes underneath the cheeks. Where the cheeks meet thighs. Can you aim that? No, well, I can now. Waggle the goggles on either side of my face, but not well. You notice how I walk slowly and like a crab?

Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah that's why and you notice that also my gimp suit is lumpy from the bullets i sweat everywhere else on my body yeah i imagine like latex skin type so funny to imagine because it's latex so you're sweating more i'm sweating i'm so sweaty i'd be walking like a big thing of bone bullets. I'd get to my dorm at night, take it off, and just... I don't know what I'm going to do with these. Okay, so how do I fare on the battlefield?

Well. Yeah, I think so, because all I could do... If I went in the battlefield and just unzipped everything, if I got rid of everything that Charles was giving me, I could function pretty well. No, no, no, what are you doing? Put it back off! Swamp ask off!

Expelled? Expelled? Fired? I wanted to say fired and grounded, but neither felt right. Oh, grounded. You're in trouble. I'll become onslaught if you don't put that back on.

I feel like it'd be, yeah, you're like a last resort. Oh, okay. Kind of like, you'd be firing out your arsehole and then you'd be like, oh, I'm being surrounded. And then I'd be like, zip! Zip it all off. There you go, Professor. Are you proud of me? I can just do this. Can't you invent a pill that

stops me sweating? No! I could, but I won't! Speak to Cyclops! Is that a juice box? No, no, no. Where'd you get juice boxes from? The good thing with you on the battlefield is that a big problem that mutants often have is

a lot of them contain metal. That's true. Which Magneto, famously the villain of the X-Men, the head of Brotherhood of the Evil Mutants, sometimes, he's not going to be able to just shoot, like grab your bullets and shoot them back at you. Charlie boy could be like, go in, tell him you shoot metal bullets.

I'd be like, but I don't, no, no, no, no, no, no. He'll know what it means. Look, Swamp Ass, I need you to go to the Brotherhood of the Evil Mutants. And you want to join their team. Say this to them. I sweat bullets out my arsehole. They'll lap you up.

They love all this bullshit. You know Unus the Untouchable? You know Anus the Untouchable? He's all about Unus like you. He'll be your best friend. You know, get Unus the Untouchable. He's all about the anus like you. He'll be your best friend. You know. Get Anus the Untouchable. Then just take off your clothes and kill the ball.

You know I sweat from other places. Not as effectively, my boy. My name is Swamp Ass, not Head Ass. Hello, Brotherhood. I have metal bullets. Can I join you? And I'm shooing back in. He's just like, I know what's going on.

Turn around. Nine. Yeah. He's German, yeah? No. He's Austrian. Yes, possibly. Look, he's not cool with me being there at the very least.

It is kind of cool, though, that you have pointed out that you're basically just a bomb if you're wearing this suit. Yeah, exactly. Except, well, yeah. Like a hand grenade.'re wearing this suit. Yeah, exactly. Except, well, yeah. Like a hand grenade. Like a frag grenade. You're a shrapnel. Yeah, which would be a good name for me in a world where I was treated with respect.

In which world are you treated with respect, Jackson? Not even this one. No, absolutely not this one. Who is my shrapnel? Shrapnel. Hey, me, shrapnel. What do we think? It's no swamp ass, but good try.

Yes, you're right. Swamp ass. Good job. What about trapnel? Because we could put him and he be a trap. I like it. It has the word anal in it. We could put him and he be a...

You made your new clone and you're like, the other one was too smart. Dumb this one up. I like to imagine Charles coming to my dorm and being like, Swamp Ass, have you been calling yourself shrapnel? Yeah. Well. Expelled. Come see me after class.

I need to wipe your mind from that. Do you hear me calling myself Professor Y? No, it's Professor X. Did I get the dumb part? You got a bit of Colossus in there. I want to see what my head will be like real tiny. You have a problem, sir. No, you have...

What is up with my... Oh, no, there it is, kind of. Anyway, I'm back. This one's not... This one's defunct. I know. I'm going to put it in a furnace when the time comes. I'll put it in a bin when I'm done with it.

Oh, no. It doesn't do anything. Oh, no, I should run. Charles, you going anywhere? No. Just saying what I should do. It's fine. It's fine.

Well, okay. So how did I fare? Give me, here's how I think we should do it. How long a run? How long was my arc in X-Men comics? One-ish. You would have been one. Introducing swamp parts.

It would have been like a run around about when everyone got like little tiny like pockets of like when they all became teachers. Yes. Everyone had their own little like they're the new Hillians. This is like Gambit's troop. Yeah. I think you would have been under like maybe Shadow Cat's care for a bit because you could just phase right through it. Yeah.

And then maybe you'd be seen as a background character for a long time. Yes. And then when they became like no more mutants or there was a decimation you died yeah or like they needed like some shock value where they had to get some like kids crucified the front lawn yeah you'd be one of them oh no and i'm not even one that anyone comments on i'm just dead in the back the only way that he can tell that it's you is you when you're killed you're killed like face down yeah you're exposed ass and bones sticking out it's like bones around yeah and all that the only line of dialogue relevant to me is cyclops looks down and says

good and moves on yeah at least they got a bad one i hated this kid so i'm happy yeah yeah all right well i was thinking um one thing i do a lot of in my life is migraines. And I was reading recently that there is a tiny subset of people in this world that have never had headaches and just don't get them. And, like, well, it offended me deeply. Sure. Fuck those guys right in their eyes. Yeah. So I would like the ability to also give other people migraines.

Can I say my favorite thing about this? What? You haven't removed your migraine. Zama gets a migraine and everyone else gets a migraine. Can I say my favorite thing about this? What? You haven't removed your migraine. Zama gets a migraine and everyone else gets a migraine. Yes. Okay. How do we know it's you in the sleepy town? Like, when does it hit?

Does it hit? Puberty. Puberty? So as your parents, I'm like, oh, my fucking God. And whenever I'm around this kid. Do we get the same migraines as you? Because you usually get real sweaty, then real sick. They go to bed,

and then just spew for a day and a half. Yes. Yes. My kid has made me sick. Yes. That's how Professor X finds out. It's like a circle, like everyone around me. What's that called?

Radius? Radius. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A radius of people. I would say it's a conference. Wrong one. Also correct. Yeah.

Everyone around me also get it. Because it's like a trope when anyone has mind-talented hours, they're all just like, oh, no, my blood knows, and people have passed out. Same thing. But you're vomiting in a sink somewhere. And then everyone around me is like, oh, I don't want to talk to anyone.

I need to lie down for 18 hours. I'm so sweaty all of a sudden. I need to lie on a cool bathroom floor and get my belly out and put that on the cool bathroom floor also. Maybe that will help. Oh, no, it didn't, but this is cool and nice. It's cool and nice, and now the weeping has begun. It's good to imagine Wolverine coming into a school

where every kid is lying on their belly groaning, being like, what the hell is this? And then he's like... Oh, my God. My head. Wolverine gets his hairy Canadian belly out and puts it on the floor. I'm a grown adult

crying in a chair. Why? How many people do they send? Because I can't imagine they're getting up. So you send Wolverine. Wolverine gets a headache, lies on the ground, puts his belly on the tiles. They say colossal same thing she might barely because she

could improve we just turn into a mental fight your brain the Jean Grey comes to pick you up and you to her mental powers versing your migraine, kids start dying. It just explodes out. Lady, lady, what are you doing? This is on... I believe he's... Hang on. This is...

Eyes now bloodshot. This is on you. I believe he's possessed by what's known as the headache force. Like the phoenix force, but a headache. Well, I'm going to call him a headache because I'm already annoyed. Professor X would hate you. The moment you came in, he'd be like, oh no!

Brotherhood! Brotherhood! Brotherhood! Give me like a helmet or some shit. Magneto, do you want an annoying child? Bags, buddy or pal, you got that helmet? Give me a helmet, you fuck. Let's try an experiment.

You keep walking and we'll see at what point it doesn't affect us. And that's where you'll live. I don't want to walk. Put him in a wheelbarrow if that's what he wants. I said wheelchair. I heard wheelbarrow, if that's what he wants. I said wheelchair. I heard wheelbarrow. Put him on that trolley that we use to bring the fridge in. That's fine.

Wheeling him out to the woods, still feeling it. It's gone. Cue it. Leave him there. We'll build him a little shack and that'll do us. And I'm calling you headache because well you are one and you have one is it because I cause them

no it's because you annoy me you give me a headache even when you're not using your power because I have to think about you I think about how I've got that child living in my backyard and I can't go into the yard anymore what if Moira comes over and I want to go for a

wheel what if I want to go for a wheel? What if I want to go and look at the forest? Or just be on the edge of my property? You'll have to keep walking. We're instating a rule now. You must always be at least a hundred meters away from me. How will you teach me? I won't.

How will you give me... In fact, new name, restraining order. Your power is I never have to interact with you. At least give me some help. Give me some ask for help. That's my power. And then he wheels away. You go to the house he's built

and realize he has actually looked after you and the whole house is just cool tiles. Cool tiles, air conditioning. Air conditioning. A lot of taps where I can just lie and turn it on. Yeah, but only one bucket to throw up in. I'm calling everyone goodbye.

Yes, only one bucket that you can throw up in. A dirty bucket as well. Like someone else has thrown up in it previously. You're not the first vomiting mutant we've had. Do you remember that slug fellow? Wouldn't stop chucking sick. Spew? Whatever his name was.

Zeitgeist, I think, was one of them. He vomited acid. It was a problem. We're thinking of a man who vomited vomit. Maybe he was just sick. And now, a quick word from our sponsors. Also, Plumbing the Death Star is a garbage fire of a podcast that you for some reason love, but did you know we produce at least eight other

podcasts? Like, maybe you wish the Plumbing Boys would stop talking about whether or not Mario is good to marry, and start to talk about whether or not his game is good to play. If this sounds like you, then why not head to SandsPantsRadio.com and search for Thumb Cramps, a video game review podcast that's far better than it is any right to be. So what?

Okay, so building you a cool house outside of the property. Yeah. A good beginning. Yeah. Surely, Xavier, you could build me a helmet. Give me some aspirin. Next time you see Xavier, he's wearing a helmet. Problem solved! Look, Xavier, it doesn't happen every day. I'm fine now. Yes, but

what if you get one? Yeah, I know. This is why I'm here. You fuck. Oh, you're making, it doesn't happen every day. I'm fine now. Yes, but what if you get one? Yeah, I know. This is why I'm here. You fuck. Oh, you're making me angry. I'm getting a headache just by thinking about having to deal with this problem. I'm getting a headache because I'm annoying you. I'm going to have to make a helmet that just stops headaches in their track, no matter what their origin.

That would be nice. Can I have it? No, it's for me. For me and my head. You need your headache for powers. In fact, we're going to make you a helmet that amplifies the head. So that you can damage more people. Is it amplified out or in and out?

Well, it has to go in before it goes out. Then Professor X just draws a diagram that is a head on the side and does an arrow like that, but it explains nothing. Uh-huh. Think of it like a lightning conductor. Yeah, so... Perfect. Can I turn

it off? Perfect. You understand. If you're going to take the helmet off, if you're going to take the helmet off... Are you implying that that will be difficult? Oh, is that Moira wanting to go for a lovely afternoon walk? Anyway, goodbye! You're just a fucking psychopath. Smash cuts the danger room,

trying to give robots migraines on the floor, crying as I'm stomped by sentinels. Professor actually being like, we need to get more powerful helmets. crying as I'm stomped by sentinels. Professor actually being like hmmm. We need to get a more powerful helmet. It's not affecting the robots yet. I don't know why.

How bad do we have to make his migraine before the robots feel it? Professor implied. You'll see soon enough or again or whatever. I can't see. I can't see. I think I vomited up everything that I have.

My teeth are hurting. Yes. I imagine they would be. Professor X, well done. Also, can you call Cyclops, see if we can turn this helmet up to tenfold? Oh, no. That's when they put you in the danger room,

and he's like, where do you sit? And your head just explodes like a gripe, and he's like, oh, no. That's when they put you in the danger room, and he's like, where do you sit? And your head just explodes like a gripe, and he's like, oh, no. Can we check to see if the robot's got headaches that time? Is the boy dead? Yes. Oh. Oh, dear.

Another tragic accident in the danger room. Shut it down for, let's say, three hours. Shut it down for three hours. Who's in the room? Oh, everybody. Nothing happened. It's funny for Professor X to do that before anybody's cleaned up the body.

Nothing happened. Everyone's like, who's this kid? Hold on. Hang on. You don't know this kid. Who's this kid? Wait. Everyone, shut up.

Okay. You never saw this kid before. Oh, my God. A boy is there. Professor, why are you wearing that helmet? You're thinking a dead child is a pigeon or something that flew into the danger room and you have to clean it up. Oh, no, a pigeon.

They just smack in the body. Catch it. Oh, God. Everyone, go away forever. Oh, God. There with a broom in his wheelchair, what do I do? How do I get rid of this boy's body?

Beast comes in. Oh my God. Beats! Fetch, Cyclops! I need to design a helmet to give headaches. It was working very well, you see. I need to design a helmet

that will erase this dead boy. I'll put it on the boy's... Well, I'll put it on my head, I guess, and somehow that will make the boy get... He's making himself forget. Everyone's screaming about a dead boy. Why is everybody making so uncool? That's so funny, making himself forget, being like, a dead boy. Why is everybody making himself so uncool?

Oh, my God. Who's this boy? I think it's a dead boy. It's got no heads. Is it a pigeon? Cyclops, fetch my broom. There's a pigeon in the day. That's that boy that you gave the headache helmet that killed him.

That doesn't sound like me. I don't think. No. No, no, no. Not me. No. Must be someone else. Yes.

So how'd I do? How many episode or issues did I go through? Well, that could be the start of the, you know, all those times

Cyclops leaves the X-Men because he goes as a professor acts as a piece of shit. Is this when like danger becomes sentient? There's a lot of, this is a jumping off point for a X-Men because he realizes that Professor X is a piece of shit? Or is this when, like, danger becomes sentient? This is a jumping-off point for a lot of things because he could also be in Professor X's attempts to forget that the boy was there.

He muddles his own brain and it's like an amnesia arc. And then he becomes Onslaught accidentally. Exactly, and they're like, Oh, fuck, so he... Oh, okay, yeah, yeah. So similar to how, like, with Onslaught, I was like, it's a little bit Magneto, it's a little bit me.

In his head, being like, you killed me, you shit. Why would you do that? Constantly giving him headaches. Hey, doesn't the big mystery for Xavier is why did I build this helmet? What does it do? Because you're not going to be like, man, I haven't had a headache in ages. I reckon that's the helmet. You're just going to be like, why am I wearing this?

Maybe the headache boy, headache or restraining order, is the flashback where you discover the origin of the helmet. I reckon it's quite a big run, but you're only in one issue of it. Similar to Kite Man in Tom King's Batman or the original X-Men. Remember on that island that was a failed mission or something? Deadly Genesis. Yeah. You're like that.

It's like Professor X in helmet. Just to be like, oh, yeah, fuck, X-A of Europe. Hey, this is just Mahogany Boy again. But it's Mahogany Boy, but Professor X has tricked himself. Professor X is like, what happened to Headache Boy? I genuinely don't remember. It's a big mystery. Why aren't I allowed in the danger room?

Then he finds the dead corpse just rotted away with no head. Oh, it's all coming back. What a week. Time to forget that again. Boop, boop, boop. Why aren't I allowed in the danger room? Mystery in the danger room. Hmm. Why are they not in the danger room? Mystery in the danger room.

Why are there all these dead boys in this room? Who's this house for on the edge of the property but 100 meters away from my office? It's very cool in here. Very relaxed. It's a very gross bucket, though. Someone's been being sick. Opening the door to the room.

Who's been being sick in the mystery house? It's a pocket, though. Someone's been being sick. Opening the door to the room. Who's been being sick in the mystery house? Hey, if you're nice, I'm going to lie here and put my belly on the cool tiles. That's good. This would be good if I had a headache. Headache? Wait. Hold on. What happened to headache, boy?

Why don't I allow this? That doesn't... This is great. You'll imagine the rest of the X-Men are just... It's just like a montage of this happening over like autumn, summer, winter. The body of the corpse getting more and more rotten. Every semester this keeps happening. Until it's just a skeleton and then eventually dust and Professor X has forgotten it was ever anything. Why aren't I allowed in the danger room?

Well, I have no further solve to that mystery, but I'll be in here now, I guess. Cool! One day, issues later, somebody finds a bit of jawbone in the wall. Oh, this is from that boy he killed. Better hide it. You remember

that summer where he just kept looping? You remember that? It was about a year. A year and two months, Professor X just kept looping. Nothing got done. How was this jawbone? Remember that nightmare? Throw it away.

Professor X finds it. Wait a second. This jawbone. Why was I not allowed in the danger room for about a couple of years? Using the jawbone to smack his chin is very... Just no respect. Click, click, click. Slamming it on the table.

Going up to Wolverine. Bonk. Wolverine. Whose is this? Sucking it like a lolly. Whose jawbone? Why aren't I... Whose in the house outside?

Who was Headache Boy? Why am I still wearing this helmet? Very confused. Is it related or another thing? Is there a Woods Boy? Did we have a feral child? Yes. I would like to gather the students.

Are any of you Woods Boys? Or feral. Who remembers this I would like to gather the students. Any of you woods boys. You're all feral. Who remembers this shack? Wolverine, come here. Look, when you went a little bit, you know, Did we build you a shack or whatever? A cool room? Did you like to be cold when you were a bit, you know, feral?

Taking like any kids. You know when you went the and your bones went, you remember that? That whole traumatic... I remember that, but I don't know why I'm not allowed in the danger room. Professor X taking all of the fire-based kids to the room, being like, recognize this? Did I build you this?

No, sir, this is from that boy you killed. We're all terrified. Oh, no! Boop, boop, boop. Oh, thank goodness. Now, boy. Why am I not allowed in the danger room? Please explain.

Well, that is an unproductive year at the mansion. Magneto arrives. You're going to die, Professor X. Whatever. You know why. I have this helmet. Is it yours? Does it stop your magnet powers?

Lift me up. Oh, you can. Okay, put me down. Okay. No fear. It's so funny. Don't know what that's about. It's funny that, like, Yas Magneto is like, what's this helmet for, Magneto? He's just like,

oh, you're wearing a helmet, just crushes his head. Ow! Stop that. Oh, and then his head explodes. It's poetic justice. Got him. Beautiful. A couple of, like a whole like, you know. You had a year long arc where Professor X couldn't

remember what happened. I'm a mystery. A year long arc where it's very funny to imagine as a comic, you go to your local comic book store, you're like, it's still this fucking story. The issues are just the same loop with different. Oh, my God. The writers thought it was important.

They thought it was edgy or innovative. I think they tried to make a commentary on the current standings of something. Anyway, this sucks. What about you, JD? What you got? I was thinking, originally, this actually ties perfectly in, because I was going to say that

yelling is usually my trait, but obviously based on this episode in particular, the intro and my introduction to this segment, I'm also excelling at sentences and public speaking. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Memory. Everything makes a lot of memory also good, but basically

impassioned speeches. And maybe I'm just really good at convincing people to do things due to my well-structured sentences and clearly thought-out thoughts. Well and clearly thought out thoughts. Well-constructed thoughts.

So how are you discovered? Are you like a mesmero kind of person? Are you a mentalist? Yeah, I'm the mentalist. It's a few bitty hits and you're like I'm the mentalist. Hey mom, I know you used to call me Joel

but now start calling me Simon Baker the mentalist. All right, Simon. Is his name Simon? Okay, Simon Baker the mentalist. That's funny for you being like, was his name Simon? Mom, hold that thought. Mom looking at Dad. Why am I calling my son Simon Baker the mentalist?

Is that his name? I don't know. But it doesn't matter because you could say anything. Dad being like, oh, you mean Simon Baker, the mentalist. Wait, what? Wait, what? That's great. Are you going into schools?

Is the way Professor X discovers you have a power that he's like- Well, puberty hits and all of a sudden things that I don't want to do, I don't do because I can talk my way out of them. Yeah, but is it like Wolverine's like, hey, I've been checking for new mutants and I don't know if this is any- I've been checking for new mutants and I don't know if this is any... Yeah, buddy. I don't know if this is anything, but there's a school and everybody refers to

this one kid as Simon Baker the Mentalist. But I don't even know if that's the guy's name. Shall I check it out? No. Not at all. That just sounds like a weird nickname, Wolverine.

Please stop coming to me unless it's very obvious. Unless you have a clue to what happened in the danger room. I don't want to eat. So you like, again, like the Jedi mind trick, but if it's long and convoluted. Yeah, basically I'm like, well, yeah. He did it. He got us. So they're like, well, yeah He got us

So they're like, Mr. Dushu, where's your homework? I'm like, oh, you know, what homework? He's right, children, what homework? What homework, sir? You didn't give us any homework, I promise Why am I adding an I promise? My mutant power covers that I didn't give you any homework, students. I didn't promise because of his mutant power. Yes, sir, you did.

What? No, I didn't, kid. Maybe I just didn't give that boy. Does it work on one person at a time? Because that's funny. It probably is an upper limit. Maybe I discover it by doing it on one person at a time, but as it gets stronger, I can start again. You can broaden it out.

Or a circumference. Well, I can start. You can broaden it out. Like a radius. Yeah. Or a circumference. Ah. Well, I feel like Professor X is not going to like you because you're pretty powerful. I say we invent a muzzle for him. I say that you let me into your school. Well, he has a point there, Magneto Latimian.

Magneto. I'm thinking of something. Hey, Charles. They're like tempting you'm thinking of something. Hey, Charles. They're like tempting you to cross your helmet. Yes, I'm the headmaster. Yes, you are. That's right. That's right.

He won't remove his helmet. Doesn't know how. Doesn't know what it is. Doesn't know what it is. Big mystery for Professor O. What is this helmet for? And I can't remember how to take it is. A big mystery for Professor X. What is this helmet for and I can't remember how to take it off.

If you woke up one day and there was a helmet and everyone was like yeah you wear that helmet all the time but you couldn't remember the helmet as if you would take it off.

I would be so scared to. Yes well I'm not taking it off. What if I took it off and my brain was exposed under there. And a bird landed on your brain and then started pecking at your brain

and then the bird ate your brain. And then pecked his beak so deep in your brain and started pecking at your brain and then the bird ate your brain. And then pecked his beak so deep in my brain and pulled out a worm. And I was like, whoa, that's a regular garden worm. That's an earthworm. In my brain. Am I clever now? Was that the one thing that would make me not be clever?

They'd be like, Jackson, your brain's exposed to the elements. And I'd be like, shut up, I'm figuring something out. Are there any more worms in there? Maybe let another bird in. Jackson. If you lean forward and your brain falls out, you die instantly. It's crazy that my brain wasn't attached. Just like holding him by the edge of a brain stem.

Like an egg in an egg cup. Was Jackson's brain loose? Oh my god. He should be dead. I guess he did have a neocortex or whatever it's called. The thing that attaches to the base of the spine. Corpus callosum. Neocortex is Crash Bandicoot's bad guy.

What's a cortex? It's a corpus callosum. Nowhere is... I think it's a cortex somewhere probably. Okay, so... There we go. It's not a thing that really exists. So two dead boys.

One with head gone and one brain never touched. I guess I was a bonus mutant who had no skull and a loose brain. You're also wearing a helmet. We decided to take it off. We had a worm in his brain. Made him clever. Lucy. Loose brain, magoose brain.

He didn't know he had a loose brain and his name was Loose Brain Magoose Brain. He was dumb. He had a worm in his brain. So why do you want to be part of Professor Xavier's school? You're like, let me in, and he's like, okay, what are you going to do? I don't know. Maybe I can just steal his mutants, I guess. Steal his mutants?

They're mine. You can't have them. I thought you were going to say steal his money or steal his something else, but no. He's mutant. I'm thinking that like... So you're selling your own rival school. So we've got Xavier's School for Gifted Children, A Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, and Joel Dusha's Inspired Mutant Boys and

Girls. Where's my school? Didn't I have students? I noticed tuition is down this month. Hey, Charles. What? I have students. I noticed tuition is down this month. Hey, Charles. What? I have students. You had an empty school this whole time.

You're a child. You're a boy of 13. What kind of education are you giving them anyway? I'm 14 and good one. 14 and good one. And a good one? I've shut the door. He's saying it to the closed door. And a good one? I've shut the door. He's saying it to the closed door.

Who was that kid? Who was that guy? I don't know. Thank God I have my compliment clown. Well done. Why did we just fill our school with clowns? It's so funny. Your school thriving

and Professor X just complimenting himself To his death The only way you can tell who's the original One is the helmet The origin of which He still cannot ascertain So if you've got a school I guess if I just take all of Professor X's students

Then all of a sudden I'm just fighting I'm pretty much just replacing Professor X with me Why don't you take the student, just take his whole building Yeah why not go be like Professor X you always lived in that ditch out there. Professor X, that shack was yours. Professor X, see that hole in the ground next to the shack

that's full of sick from that bucket that we emptied in there that was also full of sick? That's actually your house. Professor X, you should bury yourself. Okay, that sounds about right. Then he goes down and buries himself, just his little bald. Okay, that sounds about right. Then he goes down and buries himself, just his little bald head poking out.

This is good, I've been led to believe. I like this. I've been informed I'm a fan. This is good. Good job. Good job. You're in the hole like that man said you should be. Yes.

Students coming and looking and being like, Sir, what's going on with the school? Hey kid, I'm your teacher now. Is he our teacher now? He says so. I'm meant to be in this hole. Where I live. I'm going to water you, Professor X's head, every day. I think you water it and it grows like a plant.

A new mutant power! I grow spinach through my skull. That's great because I was imagining his head on a vine, but you're just imagining a literal spinach plant. Through the top of his head. My mutant powers evolved. I'm a herb garden. Oh, my God.

I'm an herb now. Parsley? Time? Feast from me. All right, great. And is it a culinary school now? We only cook and eat what we grow for Professor X. All the freshest ingredients from this bald head.

We got spinach. We got parsley. A little bit of time. Well, you got a whole bunch of compliment clones, so you can plant them. That's true. Plant all of them. This one grew bananas. We're done with your plants on your heads.

I'm growing tomatoes. This one grew bananas. A bunch of bananas, but growing like inverse, like upside down. Out of his head. Like an upside down bunch Are you hungry? Go to the Professor X banana bunch He doesn't mind I don't

I've been led to believe that this is good I've been led to believe that a herb garden Is where I was always meant to go I'm an Omega 11 mutant now Finally Call me Herb Head Please Professor Herb Xavier

Herbert Herbert It's so funny because you as a 14 year old child You get your power and you're like I know exactly what I'm fucking doing with this I'm at this fucking Mom and dad, three steps Step one

Call me Simon Banker the Mentalist. Thank you very much. Step two. Get to that Professor Xavier's school for a mutant. I'm the blower. Okay, step three. Turn him into a herb garden. Bada bing, bada boom, ma.

Hey, step four. I'm Italian now. Forget about it. You are Italian, man. Fungu. Yeah, I swear in Italian. That's great. Someungo. Yeah, I swear in Italian. That's great. Some of these?

Yeah. Professor X, would you like to take our Italian boy? He's Simon Baker, the mantelist. And then you grow a herb garden for Professor X and run the school, presumably. Of course. Hi, I would like to have some help with my mutant abilities, sir. Yes.

Can you? Yeah, of course I can help you my mutant abilities, sir. Yes. Can you? Yeah, of course I can help you. In fact, my brain keeps coming out. It's loose in my head. Welcome to the school, Lucy Brain Magusa, whatever. Hey, you can control it now. Yes. Pull out my brain from my skull and die.

It's funny that I guess I inspired you to believe you could control it and the first thing you did was tear it out. I assume that was what my power was. That's also funny if you're like, shouldn't have done that. Hey me, I don't know what's happening. Who's this boy? Why aren't I allowed in the danger room?

I just look in a mirror. I never remembered killing this child Then you turn around to me With my brain several metres ahead What happened to this child? Oh my god There's a dead kid Oh wait sorry I need to still be in character

Mamma mia I'm an Italian now Hey can we talk about the fact that my brain was metres away It shot out like a fucking bullet Italian now. Hey, can we talk about the fact that my brain was meters away? It shot out like a fucking bullet. Turns out that that was your power. Your brain cannon. That's my power if I could use it all at once. Wow.

Okay. So how did I go? Yeah, what am I reading? I think this is a what if. What if Professor X's were a hook? What if one issue, but it's beloved, and one of the issues of Professor X, say, maybe with a tomato plant growing out of his head,

being like, I'm a tomato now. He's like a meme 10 years down the track. Good job. Good job. Yeah, Professor X, with a tomato growing out of his head. Good job. One arm burst out of the soil giving the thumbs up. Remember when he went into that compliment clone phase?

The compliment clone saga. Wow, one of the worst things Marvel's ever done. Well done. Good job. That's great if you imagine it's the kind of thing that one writer thought was really cool so like every time they'd go into his office he'd be like hello students might i introduce you to my compliment clone well done good job there's always two for something they get stuck in a terrible way it's not not great. I'm going to open them.

It's like a Grant Morrison. Yeah, absolutely. It's like Xavier intently staring at a cut to the panel. Xavier intently staring. It pulls out two Xaviers at once. Like one speech bubble, but coming from both. Good job. Then it pans out, Xavier looking.

Yes, yes, yes. And then it pans out again and he's like, my looking clone is doing well. My assessing clone. Perfect. This is good. Yes, this is good. Professor X is wheeling it up.

Like, Professor, I don't know, we've got a piece of art to survey. Let me get my assessing clone. It looks good. It looks good. It looks good. I better check with my looking clone. Yes, it does. It looks just like thumbs up. Perfect.

All right, bring it in. I'm outsourcing the things I do. Get in a couple clothes to hang it. These are my hanging clothes. That's my hanged clothes. Don't ask about that one. I just wanted to see what would happen.

Turns out grammar is important in science too. You wouldn't imagine. That's why I've got to start making science clothes. Eventually I'll be obsolete. That's the dream. I'm working myself out of a job of being me and doing the things I do. One day I hope to grow up and be a herb gardener. I hope that happens.

Retire to the herb garden. He's like a big pit of mud just rolling towards it. Yes! Hooray! And then you get the well done well done well done

with the tomato growing out of his hand beautiful yeah some of your like bone pellets crushed him up yeah that's good fertilizer

that's good fertilizer we found a use for you that's your like little easter egg like hey swamp us hey they're using swamp boners or whatever

and he's shitting bones they've forgotten what my power is in the time between. He's making fertilizer or whatever. He shits fertilizer now. I guess he's mutant power mutated as it does. It's funny because we all in some way shit fertilizer. Wow.

And that's the kind of poignancy that I think people have come to us over these many years to hear. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've also been Joel. Happy 300th episode B. Here's to 300 B years of plumbing.

Whoa! I'm out of poppers. Yay! Thanks for listening and if you want to follow us on Twitter you can find us at Sandspants Radio or you can find us individually I'm at Douche13 I'm at OldDogsOfDead

and I'm at GodDammitZammit If you want to hear our other shows you can head to SandspantsRadio.com and you'll find all our other content there There's heaps and if you want to support us head to SandspantsPlus.com Thank you again for listening

and we'll see you again next time. Good night for now. But not forever. Kisses.