Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Handle Being the 5th Ninja Turtle? (Ft. Ralph America)

Episode Date: March 3, 2019

Where we are joined by good friend Ralph America to ask the hard hitting question like How Would You Handle Being the 5th Ninja Turtle?Sign up to our newsletter here; http://eepurl.com/cM3in9Join our facebook group here; https://www.facebook.com/groups/535280830149669/Check out our upcoming lives shows right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/Watch us stream here; https://www.twitch.tv/sanspantsradioYou can now physically send us stuff to PO BOX 7127, Reservoir East, Victoria, 3073Theme music by the wonderfully talented Benny Davis! You can find all his stuff at his website https://bennydavismusic.com or check out his YouTube https://youtube.com/bennythejukeboxWant to help support the show?Sanspants+: https://sanspantsplus.comPodkeep: https://sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: https://audiobooksontape.comMerch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail]: https://twitter.com/sanspantsradioWebsite: http://www.sanspantsradio.comFacebook: https://facebook.com/SanspantsRadioReddit: https://reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Jackson: https://twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadDuscher: https://twitter.com/dusch13Zammit: https://twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sands Pants Radio, I have rough feet. Are you a fan of comedy, but also people suffering? Well then stop fucking around and come see Big Deal, a nasty game show I'm hosting starring a whole bunch of Sands Pants people and comedians. It's sort of like the game show equivalent of dying and then climbing back out of your own grave. Grab your tickets from the Melbourne International Comedy Festival website, or from our own website, santspantsradio.com. Also, if you want to be kept up to date on all the goings on at Sants Pants HQ, then check out the show notes below for a link to our newsletter, which

features news, fun articles written by Sants Pants people, and hints about upcoming episodes. Hey everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, how would you handle being the fifth Ninja Turtle? upcoming episodes. What do they call it? The goop? The ooze. The retro mutagen ooze. That pours onto the turtles. They're in a cage and also we are there. So are we little baby boys in this situation or are we also a turtle?

We also got to start as a turtle. Or we're boys that become turtles. That would be crazy. Four turtles became men, but the thing that is four men became turtles. We presumably have to also be a turtle. Well, no, you see, I think that what's happening is the ooze gets on the turtles and we try and clean the turtles getting ooze and turtle on us. And then we turtle-ize.

Okay. So then we all end up the same i was i was also picturing it that we were baby turtles at the same time as the baby turtles clearly not we are clearly we were like oh my god those turtles are covering radioactive slime and passerbys are like don't touch it and we're like we gotta clean this turtle with our hands you're licking one clean putting it in my mouth And like putting it around my cheeks What is this frosting? Clean turtle And then it becomes a man

No wait No cause then The ninja turtle just would have become The ninja turtle They just become half turtle Half human tongue My tongue is a shell now Kalabunga dude

I love pizza now. You always love pizza. Put me in the sewer. I'm more worried about the Cronenberg horror of the tooth-lined turtle shells with tongues coming out of every hole. Alright, so presumably, just through, I don't know, basically we were human beings And now we look like the Ninja Turtles Okay And the turtles also still exist My question is

When do we join the Ninja Turtles Straight away or after they've already been pre-established Well what if we Well because they're turning from turtles Into boys so they don't know what's happening But where Where men going to teens again Because there's that teenage part that i'm not happy with yeah do i have to be can i just be okay do you think that becoming teenagers is part of what the ooze did instead

of just a decade and a half passing well it's in the name ralph. I would much rather... No, I get that they are teenagers. Hang on, Jack. I get that they are teenagers. Jack, shut your fucking mouth for a second. Do you think that that was the product of their mutation? Well, they're turtles. Not only does it anthropomorphize whatever it comes in contact with, but it also puts it at the pimply, angsty age.

Yeah, it's the teen goo. We're not called Teenage Mutant Adult Turtles. All right, that's all I wanted to know. We're the fifth Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. There's that teen. I got rid of ninja for some reason. Also, we're ninjas. Yeah, you made it Teenage Mutant Adult Turtle.

Yeah, Teenage Mutant Adult Ninja Turtle. Adult Mutant Ninja Turtles. That's what I was trying to get at. Well, yeah, are we trying to... Is Master Splinter being like Oh my god I gotta look after these 8 turtles now I like that the question is The 5th ninja turtle

But it's actually the 5th, 6th, 7th and 8th No all of us are just the equal 5th That's nice That's a group My sons I'm very proud of your progress in ninjutsu Not so much you guys, though. My weapon is a wet bag.

I have a chain. That's great. I refuse to fight. This is dumb. Ralph? And I just push doucher at things. Hi, I'm a turtle and a weapon. and I just push doucher at things.

Hi, I'm a turtle and a weapon. Ha ha, ninjutsu! And then I grab one end of my wet paper bag and slam the other, making a loud pop and getting my hand wet. Is this ninjutsu, Master Splinter? I yell loud, is that a weapon? I swing the chain around and just hit myself in the face. Wrap your legs up and fall over face first into the sewer.

Oh no! I love being a ninja. You know the weapon in Kill Bill? One of them has with the big ball spiky ball with a chain. Bobby Knocker? Rising Star? Morning Star.

If it's a ball at the end of a long chain that should be a Kusari Fondo Yeah, that, but I'm not good at it Oh no You're covered in cuts Okay, what shade of green are we all? Every Ninja Turtle I would like to be vibrant, like neon green

Oh yeah, I want to be like Go back to that ooze and roll around a bit more I gotta get more powers I want to be really, really, really, really just like a human being, but on well green. Like just a green tinge. Ooh. I want to be the...

Yeah, you know, like irradiated green, maybe tumid. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe you're lumpy. Maybe. Actually, can I just be flesh colored? Hey, that's mine. No, you're a bit green flesh-coloured.

You said you have to be a shade of green. No shade's still a shade. No! I'll be seafoam green, like an old Cadillac. That's nice. Maybe I'll be really pale green. Like I look like I've never seen the sun. Yeah.

So we've got irradiated and lumpy. We've got just a slight tinge. Seafoam and never seen the sun. Never seen the sun green. Like the root of a plant. That's what I'm looking like.

Oh, like a dark green. If you get like a spring onion. Like the middle of a scallion. Yeah, exactly. That's what you get like a spring onion. Like the middle of a scallion between the root and the proper green. Yeah, exactly. That's what I look like. Okay, so obviously we're not good. Yeah, and just to establish our weapons are a wet bag.

Wet bag. A big chain with a big ball on the end. Mine is yelling and Ralph is mine. Me. No, I'm going to change. I'm going to, I'll just, I really like this yelling thing. I'd like to sort of roll that into heckling. You heckle?

You roll him and he heckles. You roll Dushan. He's like, hey. Hey, got any good jokes? And then I wet paper bag. Oh, no, it wouldn't even pop because it's wet. No, it would just be like on their face and I'd be like ninjutsu. And I would trip over my chain.

And then in the background cuts himself. Because his chain is a big spiky ball on the end. All right, so master splinter. The worst part of this is they live in like storm drains and stuff. So your bag is not just wet with water. No, no. It's got poo-poo water. It's sewerage water.

Absolutely. That's the only place I can get water from. Ew. I hate this. What pizza were you eating? So I'm cut. Quite cut. Oh, wait.

You're cut and infected. Yeah. That's so sad. You're a posse turtle. I think I understood what the lumps were. Hey, do we keep our names? No, we get Italian artist names. Yes, Italian artist names.

Alright. Let's look up... Well, mine will be Mario. Famous, dumb Italian. And I shall be Louis. Yes! Now the rest of you have to think of things. I cheated. Hey, 20 people who ruined Italy.

Oh, no. Ah, yes. Mussolini. Mussolini. My name's not on there, right? I'll be Giuseppe Garibaldi. And I'll be Mussolini. So Garibaldi, Mussolini, Mario, and Luigi.

C. The fifth Ninja Turtle. C. I just like the ideafaces split to being like Ah like Leonardo Michelangelo Whatever We bring it

You had names No But we're turtle men now So We gotta be Italian Gotta be important Italian You know that important Italian Big figure

World War 2 You know He got hung up Mussolini Yeah him I know him He's alright No wait

No he's not alright He just looks at the four of us and goes You already have names Yeah but we need Italian names I'm not doing that, you gotta fend for yourselves So this is the only ones we could come up with Maybe I'll be Pinocchio Mario, Luigi, Mussolini

Mussolini and Pinocchio What was Pinocchio's Geppetto Geppetto Can we get a rat named Geppetto To look after us Wait are we just the second We're like the B team of crappier

Yeah we gotta Master Splinter's like I'm not teaching you anything He's my brother that's an actual rat team of crappier turkeys. Yeah, we gotta, but like, Master Splinter's like, I am not teaching or anything, but like, we gotta find Here's my brother that's an actual rat. We're calling in Pepero.

We roll the rat around in the ooze, just get sick. And instead of, instead of ninjitsu, we just learn like Tiger Shulman karate. Do you guys have

Tiger Shulmans in Australia? Do you know what I'm talking about? No, but I kind of know what you mean. Like that kind of like performative, not really a martial art at all. Yeah, like strip mall karate.

We learned like this sick rat. Oh, it's just a rat. So we're going to be like, I think it's teaching us moves, but it's just a rat. This rat keeps getting in little holes. Maybe that's ninjutsu Oh and the most important question of all then B-team of adult crappy mutant turtles What colour is your bandana?

Of course Ah yes I don't have one I don't know where you got your It's another wet bag You lost yours I wear like a baseball cap, but over my eye. So, like, backwards, and I'm looking at that little hole

between the strap and the fabric. Mine was once white, never been washed. Mine's sick-coloured. Mine's heavily stained. Briefs. Yes. Hell yeah. My cap says, Dirty Joe's Big Truck

and on the front I was wearing it when I became a turtle maybe it's embedded in my head like I was wearing it over my head and then when I became a turtle it got too tight on my head and I can't take it off Jackson you know that there's a thing you can disconnect at the front of the hat yeah

what turning around with my eyes all distorted. That's his dead name. We don't use Jackson anymore. You call him Pinocchio, damn it. I'm Pinocchio the Ninja Turtle. Adult terrible ninja turtles. Sorry.

We haven't learned. Adult terrible karate turtles. Adult terrible rat move turtles. We know all the rat moves. Eat cheese. Have big balls rolling behind your body for some reason. Scamper.

Bite with infected teeth. Rats do have big balls, man. They're like the size of their heads. It's fucking crazy. No man should have that much cum. It's so great to imagine the Ninja Turtles learning ninjutsu

and the camera panning over to us in a... It's like everything that's happening to the Ninja Turtles, but no glamour. Just a filthy sewer. Just a filthy big ball straining behind us. They're all training in unison and be like, Ha! Ha! Ha! And it cuts to us,. They're all training in unison.

They're like, ha, ha, ha. And it cuts to us, and we're all up on a chair trying not to touch the floor because the rat that trained us is a rabbit, and it's running and trying to bite us. Oh, my God. I don't want to get rabies. Throw a rock at it. Oh, what happened to Geppetto? Peppetto.

Geppetto what? Peppetto, the rat where what? Peppetto the rat. You were our teacher. He's turned on us. Oh, I guess we must use the moves he taught us on him. I'm a bite him. I'm a scamper. I'm pooping wherever I want.

It's not doing anything. This is the worst move. I'm edging to keep my balls big. He's still a rabbit. Then one of us falls off the chair and squishes him with our shell. And we have to have a sad funeral. Pepero was a good rat.

He was just picking up, biting him. He bites my tongue. And then forever and I have like a rat mouth. And rabies. Now there's like putrid turtle And then forever and a half, like a rat mouth. And rabies. Yeah, yeah. Now there's like putrid turtle rabies with a dead rat hanging out of his mouth. Just like rigor mortis stuck in. Sunk his teeth into my fleshy tongue.

We don't even really have a master. It's just any rat we see, we assume. Pepero's back. What? What's this? Where am I now then? And he's all different colors now. Oh my God, Pepero killed back What? What's this way in my mouth then? And he's all different colours now Oh my god

Pepero killed the imposter Teach us moves again Teach us how to become an imposter Can you help me get this way out of my mouth? It's decaying None of us can because Well I like to think I can't Because instead of getting hands

I just got turtle hooves Like you know turtles just have like a flat bottom. Oh, man, I got no fingers. How am I holding my wet bag? In my mouth. Yeah, that's a really good point. Like, the Ninja Turtles three finger hands that they have, that doesn't look anything like a turtle hand. Or a person hand.

Well, yeah, I guess we were people first. So hands could look like whatever. Maybe we just keep hands, but we get really fat green fingers. Help me get this wet out. I can't. Damn. Then just fucking rub it on the ball that you've got. Just eat it.

I guess it's my new tongue. No, just rub it on that spiky ball. Just spiky ball yourself. Now it's just bloody hanging all over my tongue still. Spiky ball yourself Just spiky ball yourself. Hanging all over my tongue still. Spiky ball yourself in the face. Okay. The rattle go. Anyway, here's a quick word from our sponsors.

Also, this Melbourne International Comedy Festival, I'm hosting an angry game show called Big Deal. And if you don't come see it, I'll sleep forever like Rip Van Winkle. Grab your tickets from thesansppantsradio.com forward slash live. This is a mistake. We shouldn't really, if we're stuck with this pile of crap that we've dealt ourselves here. And we are. I'm joining the Foot Clan instead.

I'm just going to be some other animal and get named after a musical style like P-Bop and Rocksteady. Oh, that's a good idea. Goodbye, Luigi. Jazz. Oh, that's a good idea. Jazz. Goodbye, Luigi. Jazz. Oh, man, Luigi become jazz. I'll just be a bat named Hardcore or something. Or a dachshund named Polka. There are a lot of great musical genres to be named after.

So are you the turtle that became a dachshund, or are you... How did that happen? Yes. Go to the Foot Clan and you're like, Hey, my group's shit. Make me a dachshund, please. Yeah, alright.

I'm crying. I'm a big brain. Welcome to the family dance hall. No, Hardcore was my name. How does this work? Hardcore dance hall name How does this work? Hardcore Dancehall Lounge And then we gotta find our bugger Well here in the Foot Clan we have two options

You can either be a troubled teen Who becomes a ninja But that's sort of out of the question for you For a lot of reasons So we're gonna go with the second one Which is you become an animal man and you get named after a musical style. Okay, we can do that now.

I reckon, honestly, that's honestly. Yeah, good. Honestly. Honestly, that's in our nature. Yes. Fuck this turtle. I got to get out of this. No, it's good, because now if we mutate Zammett again,

we solve the dead rat problem, but he becomes a rat man. A rat with a turtle biting its tongue no what happened we need to cure this fucking voice cut his tongue off

for a second no now I'm a moot oh no we made it worse I'm drowning myself to avoid that dumb voice. Are we deciding all to join the food clan and become animals? We're sick of our master who keeps biting us and making us sick.

And we think we're getting more powers, but we just vomit. I have to sleep heaps. I'm very sweaty. I don't really know this bad karate, guys. I keep having stab wounds. I'm going to become a dolphin man. So like a dolphin, dolphin flippers, dolphin body, but where it would normally go into a tail,

it's two muscly legs and cargo shorts. And I'm going to call myself Scar. Yes. That's me. Scar. S-K-A. Yeah, absolutely.

It sounds cool, but it isn't. It isn't at all. Do you scat? Skank? Do you skank? No, well, I don't think Bebop or Rocksteady do any of the, like, they're not, they're just named after it.

People will be like, do you like Scar? I'll be like i'll be like sorry not really horns kind of give me a headache i'll be like because i got a dolphin voice box now oh no yeah i didn't choose it you gotta drown yourself twice i reckon i'm gonna become a oh wait yeah i just realized I picked one that Bebop or Rocksteady already was. I was like, I'm going to be a hog man. Yeah, you already got a hog man. Yeah, choose another farm animal. I'm going to be a llama.

Yeah. Whatever, do you. But I'm going to be a llama. Yeah. I'm going to spit on people. I'm going to basically like a man. Think of a man and then a big, long, fluffy neck. Llama head. Like a man, think of a man and then a big, long, fluffy neck, llama head, wearing kind of like not quite an actual T-shirt or whatever,

but kind of just straps and booty shorts. What a look. My name can be Baroque. Oh, wow. Good pull. Great, great musical genre, Paul. We get him to stop making one noise. Oh, wow. Good pull. Great, great musical genre pull. We get him to stop making one noise. Oh, no.

It's great if you imagine that, because that's not what a dolphin sounds like. I'm just doing it to fit in. I think that's normal. Everyone else is talking, you're just doing that just because. Well, I'm an animal now. Jackson, you were a turtle previously. We've got Scar, Baroque, Lounge, and Drowned Boy.

Corpse. You can't fight. I don't know what we got to do in the Foot Clan. Do we get guns now? Yeah, of course you get guns. What's our duties, Ralph? What are your duties? I don't have hands.

Oh, no, you don't have a hand hand just attach grenades to my flippers that's fine that's exactly you gotta you gotta think with that stupid 90s toy aesthetic so having like grenades taped to your flippers makes perfect sense you got grenade punches my toy light my toy will have velcro that you can just velcro the grenades to. I'll have like a choker, like several big chokers with like rockets that point out. Oh, that's good. Actually, maybe I'll be a squid man. I try to drown myself accidentally fused with a squid. That's pretty good.

One of them classic New York squids. Hey, I'm walking here and the street's full of- I'm walking here and I'm walking heaps because I got so many goddamn legs. It's a real problem in New York, all the squids in the gutters. Where did you drown yourself? What's your musical style name, you squid man from New York?

Square dancing. Straight edge. Straight edge. That's not a style of... I like to think that I picked a really cool animal, you know, like a tiger or something, and when it was ready for the mutation to happen, a raccoon fell out of the ceiling,

and I just get stuck with that. Ah, no, raccoons are great. They have hands. Yeah, at least you got hands. I'm basically saying... I got slippers and legs. I got hooves. Those three-pointed hooves. I can't grasp. Yeah saying I got hooves. Those three pointed

hooves. I can't grasp. Yeah, you got no fingers. That's great because Bebop and Garok said he do have hands, but we just were so unlucky as to Well, I imagine that I look like Octodad now. That's good. Maybe I wear a shirt and

like a suit. Are you a New York octopus? Yeah. You should wear just like a wife beater. Yeah. Okay. Plus, oh, we can get like sweet 80s aesthetic. You know, those like big chunky glasses.

Oh, yeah. And like a lot of chains. Like almost like punk rock. Yeah, that's true. Actually, my aesthetic of just cargo shorts was pretty 90s. So let's 80s that up. Can I be dressed like Michael Jackson in Bad, please? Yes.

The film was for Bad. Can I have Eddie Murphy's suit from Delirious? Yes. Absolutely. That's good. That's good. Well, yeah, what are our duties? I asked this earlier, but we got distracted by costume choices.

What are our duties as members of the Foot Clan? Well, I mean, obviously you have to get the turtles. Oh, that's right. And if you're going by the old cartoon, I think they were always looking for power sources for the Technodrome. Okay. Just flip her up. What is a Technodrome?

Shut up, idiot. We've got to find it. You're going to get us killed. We've got to find the Technodrome. Shut up. You stand still so I can spit in your mouth. They said we've got to get the turtles. We're going to find the techno drone. Shut up. Stand still so I can spit in your mouth. They said we got to get the turtles. Weren't we the turtles?

We know where they live. I see spitting heaps. Yeah, we've been to the house. Yeah. It's funny if we go back to our house. Why? We're not here. Hey, Geppetto's back.

Peppetto. There's so many Peppettos. God, thisetto. So many Peppettos. God, this place is full of Peppettos. It's very, very, very funny to imagine we go back to our old house, see a rat, and then we're like, we forgot where we came from, and then we turn good again. Seeing a rat turns us. We remember our roots.

We forgot what it's like to be a hero. We were never heroes. We were sewer freaks. Ah, yes, of course. Fight ah yes of course fight like a rat but like a rat that's it those were the lessons we learned so if you're if you're the fifth ninja turtle yeah all the you know every turtle's got their own signature personality right you know like there's the nerd and the surfer guy. Does machines. Rude goofball leader.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So what's your defining characteristic? What are our archetypes? I assume at this point, seeing a rat made us change back into turtles. The power of family reverted us to our previous form. One bit in my tongue. Oh, yeah.

That's what this is like again. I wish you picked an episode to do that voice when we weren't wearing headphones. Okay, this is good. I want to be overenthusiastic. I'm always here to help. And sick. Joel Samet. No, sorry.

Mussolini. Because it's got to have that, like, 90s intro, no, sorry. Mussolini, because it's got to have that 90s intro. Oh, God. He's sick and very enthusiastic. I'll be cured soon. Just vomiting over the decaying corpse of a rat that's

just embedded as jork. At least eventually it'll just be a skeleton. Well, the good news is that he'll probably drown in his own spew and shut up. I would have a lot of undeserved confidence. Hell yes. You're kind of like our Donatello. Was he like that?

Like, you're kind of like a perversion of that. You're our leader, but it's not for any good reason. I'd be real mansplaining. I would know everything, but have absolutely no knowledge of any of it and not brook any argument about it. We see Perpetto and you're like, Perpetto has returned. And we're like, I think that's just another rat. And you're like, you fools. Don't you see?

This is obviously Perpetto. Open your eyes. I like the idea of you constantly explaining how the subway works to us. You see? You see? Come look at these trains. I guess. I guess, Luigi.

I guess we're this one. Yeah, they're all pulled by invisible horses, like in the Harry Potter. I don't remember reading. Yeah, because mansplaining, it's always explaining stuff to people that know what it is it's always basic stuff like you know the subway you know the underground trains you catch them to work yes it's good it's good if you keep explaining what happened to us yeah now you're turtles now you're turtles because of the ooze yeah yes i remember i was there um short-term memory loss well good choice that's what i'll take jackson doesn't know where he is constantly forgets he's a turtle yeah long that's long

term memory loss i constantly forget what happened and i'm horrified every time i wake up like 50 first dates so that that works out great because then we have a rhyme there for the theme song too because it's like lu Luigi always mansplains. Pinocchio, ah, fuck. I was going to do something about he can't retain. Pinocchio has a terrible brain. Pinocchio has a terrible brain. Where am I?

Why am I so cold? The song has a nice segue because it's like, and Mario is just horny. Because that's my characteristic. That wrecks always. Big, weird, wedged turtle dick horrifying everybody. Hey, I wish I could... Guys, I've got to wrap this fight up.

I've got to jerk off. Where am I? For some reason, my horniness has no... I'm not like, ooh, where's Miss April O'Neil? I'm like, no, no, no. Self-servicing, that's it. You see, the thing about him is he's always horny.

All right, so eventually, we've effectively made ourselves Ninja Turtle villains. Like, the Ninja Turtles just aren't going to stand for our existence. Now we're back in the Foot Clan again. No, we just have to fight the Ninja Turtles because like we think we're villains, we're good guys. The Ninja Turtles are the villains. Why do we think they're villains again?

Because we're the good guys. And they're trying to stop us. Yeah, well, that's true. Because we're basically besmirching the Ninja Turtles' name every time we try to solve crime with karate that we don't know. So, yeah, clearly at a certain point, we'll have to kill the Ninja Turtles name every time we try to solve crime with karate that we don't know. So yeah, clearly at a certain point, we'll have to kill the Ninja Turtles. Yeah, and again, I like that our strategy is going to be, we become Ninja Turtles, then we get mutated to join the Foot Clan, then we remember our roots, go back to the Ninja Turtles, and then the Ninja Turtles want to fight us, so then we instantly join the clan again, because we're hurt, because the Ninja Turtles fought us. Exactly.

Because I just imagine- Oh, I can get rid of this rat again. Finally I'm a dolphin man once more. Back to drowning myself. Oh no, octopus can't drown. Squids can't drown. I have so much rat fur in the back of my throat. This llama guy, I i'm gonna change your name to whatever genre of music smash mouth was um scar i guess no yes what is smash mouth

special yeah the scar scar they scar hey now they were never a rock star this is scar now oh man um i i just think the moment we go up onto the surface yeah and we try to use our our karate i'm sorry our rat move powers yeah to fight crime because that's what we got we you know that's this assumedly the next step right power punk power punk? Power pop? Yeah. Okay, power punk. They have horns. They're ska. Yeah. Do they have horns?

No. They say ska punk. I don't think so. Ska, yeah. Walking on the sun is a... No, Astro Lounge is a ska album. So you can be ska punk and I can be ska. I don't want to be ska punk.

Too bad. I'm sorry. That's you. You're... No. I'm Baroque. You're getting changed into this I'm getting changed

Because you're spitting and voices were annoying Like Smash Man That's rude Ralph I don't want to be Scar He's Scar Punk I'm becoming a turtle again I hate this life Maybe I might just

Jump in the deep ocean. Can I become a Krang? Yes. I love Krang. I'd happily host Krang in my belly. Maybe you can become Krang's body. Yeah, that's what I mean. I'd love that.

All right. You're a gross little brain dude. Hop in, idiot. And then I open up my microwave stomach, chuck him in, close. And then I open up my microwave stomach. Chuck him in. Close it. Two minutes start. Oh, Trig, you killed him. I'm the greatest

ninja turtle, rat move turtle there ever was. I killed Krang. You microwaved the shit out of that brain boy. Imagine just holding the front of the microwave shut as Krang's trying to get out and then at like the 1 minute 30 mark there's just an

explosion. A pop. I got him! And I open it up and the smell is horrendous. Whoever's standing close by cheers and then throws up. Is someone gonna clean it? I'll just have a bath and then I die. Oh god, it smells like somebody

lit a YMCA locker room on fire. Yeah, look, you die because suddenly your guts is now a microwave. Yeah, and if I hop in the bath, the sewers to clean myself. Dead. They're like, well, he got rid of crying and then he got rid of him. Two good deeds in one day. God bless you, Pinocchio. Well, yeah, I imagine that my story just concludes when I'm like,

I'm sick of hearing these horrible noises and then I just go live in the ocean. That's pretty good. Maybe go haunt the Statue of Liberty from the sea. Haunt the Statue of Liberty. I'm going to see what Casey Jones is up to. Maybe I learn hockey. I hope he hits you with the hockey stick to get you out of his house. Go away.

I want to play hockey. You're a mutant. Now, Mario, I've got a proposition for you. Before you go and haunt the Statue of Liberty from the water, you know about pornographic films, right? Yeah, I think I've heard of them. Are you still a squid man? Yeah, I'm still a squid man.

Tentacle porn, but a man. Okay, yeah, sweet. the horny one. Are you still a squid man? Yeah, I'm still a squid man. Tentacle porn, but a man. Okay, yeah, sweet. Yeah, all right. You are the horny one. Yeah, I think I'm going to have to be your... Director? I'm going to have to be your anthropomorphic dachshund manager. Perfect.

Or was I a raccoon? I lost track. It's hard to say, but my partnering... I almost said crime, but that adds a horrible twist to this. Partner in business. Business partner, people tend to say. All right. So at the end of the day, you two start quite a successful pornographic business.

Jackson or Pinocchio is dead, and Mussolini gets hit with sticks. And then a car. And the idea of you getting hit with sticks off Casey Jones' property out onto the street and then hit by a Channel 4 news van driven by April Oh shoot, do we have a van? Oh shit, no, we didn't. We maybe have an old

car that we've like, stolen. And then my body gets eaten by a lot of pepitos. Got a shopping cart taped to a lawnmower. Just like a shopping cart, and then someone took it, and we can't find it. We don't know which one was ours.

We don't want to grab one that wasn't. We keep asking people, is that ours? Like, what? Because we're monsters. I'm annoyed that Sam just said I died, not that I defeated Krang. Jackson, like, all of that is just somehow swept onto the rug. Jackson Bailey,

who was gross and we didn't like, is dead now. Krang has also died for unrelated reasons. What?! I saved the planet! I did more than the Ninja Turtles ever did, but I can't say that, because I'm dead in the sewers.

That was a legitimate threat from an interdimensional warlord that you neutralized with a microwave. No one remembers or seems to care. He just jumped into the sewers and electrocuted himself. We don't know why. What an idiot. It's but a great deed for humanity. Because we hated him. Every time anybody brings up the fact that I got rid of Krang,

you're like, yeah, but we hated him. So how do we think we went as the fifth Ninja Turtle? Because I think... Pretty good. Well, we killed Krang and most of ourselves. And we all collectively killed Krang. With no help from Pinocchio. Two of us died.

So two fourths of the fifth Ninja Turtle died. And the other half went to have a great business deal. Yeah. And that works perfectly with your horny personality. I finally figured out how to use my personality for good and not masturbation. Yeah, you could do lots of comes. So many. I'm always ready to go.

And on that note, I've been Mussolini. I've been Pinocchio. I've been Mario. And I've been Ralph America. Adult mutant rat move turtles. Heroes that are horrible. Do you have anything you want to spruik, Ralph? So this has a limited shelf life,

so if you're listening to this far in the future, but this March, there's going to be a limited series where me and Buddy the Cake Boss go up against Duff from Ace of Cakes to determine who is the most best at doing cakes. Is there a chance that uh the cake boss will lose his title as cake boss to ace of cakes who then becomes ace of cakes boss is that what's on the line here what are the stakes there's a lot on the line

that's one of the possibilities i hope there's a betrayal you uh make a cake for ace of cakes and you become cake boss then body this could be This could be a whole thing. People need to watch this just to find out what happens. I don't want to say that everything you just said is exactly what happens. There'll be loyalty, there'll be betrayal, there'll be cakes. The stakes have literally

never been higher. So where can people watch that? That's going to be on Food Network. That's very, very exciting. That's starting March 10th. And that's going to be worldwide too. So if you have the Food Network app, you can watch that wherever. Get on it. Yeah, Food Network's available in Australia as well.

Yeah, literally everywhere. Australia, America, everywhere. You got no excuse. Watch it and support our good friend Ralph. Damn right That's me Thanks guys Thanks for listening and if you want to follow us on Twitter

You can find us at Sandspants Radio Or you can find us individually I'm at Douche13 I'm at OldDogsOfDead And I'm at GodDammitZammit If you want to hear our other shows you can head to S I'm at douche13 I'm at olddogthedad and I'm at goddammitzammit if you want to hear our other shows you can head to sanspantsradio.com and you'll find all our other content there

there's heaps and if you want to support us head to sanspantsplus.com thank you again for listening and we'll see you again next time good night for now but not forever kisses