Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Hide the One Ring? (Ft. Alasdair Tremblay-Birchall)

Episode Date: January 7, 2018

In which our heroes are joined by Alasdair Tremblay-Birchall from Two in the Think Tank to ask the hard hitting question; how would you hide the One Ring?Join our brand new facebook group here; https://www.facebook.com/groups/535280830149669/Check out our upcoming lives shows right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail]: twitter.com/sanspantsradioWebsite: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Jackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadDuscher: twitter.com/dusch13Zammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammitAlasdair: https://twitter.com/alasdairtb Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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A national tour. A national tour of Australia. We're traveling all around Australia on a national tour. Hey, Jackson. What's up? I saw that your microphone was on, so I thought I'd throw to you at the start of this ad. Did you hear that Plumbing the Death Star are going on tour? I didn't.

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for all information about where we'll be and when we'll be. Hey, Jackson, do you know what cities we're going to? No. I'll tell ya. We're going to Melbourne. Oh, shit. Fuck, man. We're going to Melbourne. Uh-huh. Then we're going to Sydney. Uh-huh. But first We're going to Melbourne. Oh, shit. Fuck, man. We're going to Melbourne. Uh-huh. Then we're going to Sydney. Uh-huh. But first we're going to Perth.

We're going to Perth before Sydney, though. Okay. And after that we're going to Brisbane. Yep. Then Canberra. Okay. And then finally to Adelaide. And then home, presumably. Presumably. To a bed. Okay.

Buy your tickets from sanspanseradio.com. Why do I have to buy a ticket? Get cooked, Australia. Sanspanseradio.com slash live. Hey, everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, how would you hide the one ring? So we got the one ring.

Yeah, congratulations. Who gave it to me? Me. Douche of the grey. Jackson, your dad's dead or gone. Here's a ring. Jackson, your uncle. I got it off some weird golem-looking thing.

Oh, right. Not my dad. Where is my dad? I don't know. Anyway. Probably on the- Just to set the scene for our listeners, Jackson was holding a deck of cards, and they just dropped half a deck of cards,

and now they're on the floor. I'll deal with it later. So, we've got the one ring. The one ring corrupts you. Yep. It's no good to have. It's all powerful, I you. Yep. It's no good to have. It's all powerful, I guess.

Yep, it's all powerful. Adam always says that the reason hobbits can only go invisible is because they're lesser beings. So from what I can gather, in my half-assed research of the One Ring, is that the higher up you are in the food chain slash closer to God, the more it will corrupt you. So if you're, say, Gandalf or Cate Blanchett,

Elf Lady that I can't remember her name of. Oh, God, that's going to annoy me. Elowen? Hala. No, not Hala. Lelowen? Galadriel. There we go.

Yeah, probably. Could be. Galadriel. You've already surpassed my Lord of the Rings knowledge. All right. And so if they got the One Ring, they would be absolutely corrupted in their Lord of the Rings knowledge. All right. And so if they got the one ring, they would be absolutely corrupted in their little power. But if a filthy, godless, close to Satan hobbit got it. Filth beasts.

Yeah, if one of those dirt, grubbing, filthy, swine fucking... Anyway, if they get it, they just go invisible. So I'm wondering where we fall. Well, because we're kind of close to man yeah Jackson close to man

plumbing the death star close to man the missing link I'm not confident enough to say that we're on the same level as Strider I'm not a writer

of Rohan I am not if they're like it's the age of man not you Jackson get back in that boat you're not you're not the age of. You're more like a

hobbit. Get in this boat. Oh, I'm going to the land of the elves? No, you're going the other way. You're going to the middle of the sea where you'll hopefully die. Alright. Bye. You put it on and turn half invisible.

My legs go invisible and it just stresses me. Are they still there? Oh, thank God. I'm invisible. My legs go invisible, and it just stresses me. Skin strands. Are they still there? They're still there. Oh, thank God. Skin strands, listen. You see all your organs.

I'm sick. So you want to get rid of it, I guess. If it's not, if no benefit to us, it's just going to make us bad blokes. Yeah, it'll either corrupt us or make us invisible. Yeah, well, is the invisibility, is that considered a form of corruption? Like, is it corrupting your... They go to, like, some fucked bad world, don't they?

Because then, like, everyone... Because they're using the ring, then... They get to see the Satan version of Earth. Yeah. Look at that ghost realm. Yeah, and I don't think... The moment I put the ring on and it was in the ghost realm,

I take the ring off. And then the ringwraiths are like, I'll get you. Oh, there's Jackson, that dirty bitch. Yeah, that's what they say. that ring kiss it kiss it i'm like it's yours do you have to wear it for it to work oh actually no because frodo has it around a necklace and that doesn't fuck with him it just gives him like a bit though gives him bad vibes like background right and again look what happened to golem yeah or shmeagle basically he just like oh so that shmeagle soundsagol sounds like something you'd put on like the action of spreading, like, say, a cream cheese.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It does. Just Schmeagol this bagel. You're thinking of Schmeagol. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

Not thinking of that. I'm thinking of a cream cheese. I mean, like, could you just like Schmeagol this on my bagel? Oh, that's delicious. Yeah. I'm thinking of a cream cheese and being like, could you just like shmeagle this on my bagel? Oh, that's delicious. Yeah, I wonder whether you could just keep the ring, much like Smeagol did, or Smeagol.

But like, you know, use it for like the weight loss properties that it kind of gave Smeagol. But like, but maybe like stop before it contorts your face into a sort of like a... I mean like, Hobbit's unhandsome. So like, why don't you go to Lurz? Yeah, well, hobbits aren't handsome, so, like, what you got to lose?

Yeah, well, exactly. But we're not hobbits. Yeah, we're men. It's pretty much just like if we... That's the equivalent, like, just do heroin. Instead of, like, you go to Bilbo, you go, hey, dude, why so much ring? Like, I'll swap you the ring

for this sort of point of heroin. Yeah, like, it's the same thing. Ring or horse. What do you want to go here, man? Quick game of ring or horse. What do you reckon is more addictive? Heroin or the one ring? I think the one ring.

So if I shut up, if I brought a needle or whatever. Do you think Gollum would have thrown himself in a volcano for heroin? No, because I think even a junkie is going to be like, well... If I die, there's no heroin. I can't have heroin, yeah. What I'm wondering is, let's say I want the one ring from Bilbo, when he's still got it. If I sneak into his room, and

you know... Jab him? Drug him with heroin. Then he wakes up, and I'm like, give me the one ring, and I'll give you more heroin. Am I getting the one ring? Nah Not after one, I don't reckon I have to be there a couple of nights

Even then, I don't think so I think that one ring is like the allure Is very addictive I think unfortunately I just made Bilbo be like I need the ring and the heroin You've given him two very strong vices I can't survive without either Damn

Hey Bill, are you on a gamble? Bet you, I bet you 20 bucks I brought this slot machine Just give it a go What if you started calling heroin the one bag? Oh, that's good Does that make it more valuable? Because it seems like there's only one

This is the one ring, if you were, like, does that make it more valuable? Because it seems like there's only one? Yeah. Because this is the one ring. If you were just like, the ring, you'd be like, that's a movie. Yeah. Again, I don't think the reason you want the one ring is because of, like, good marketing by Star Wars. Being like, yes, I'll tell them there's one of them. And that'll make them want it even more. Because there are lots.

Yeah. The men have some. The elves got some. There's like nine of the, yeah. Yeah, but like, what do those rings do? They're also powerful, but they're just not as powerful as the one ring. That's the one ring that binds them. I really hope that someone just takes that audio and overlays it over the start of Lord of the Rings.

There's a lot of them, but this one binds them better. It cuts it a little bit. It's like the elves got some, the dwarves got some. The elves got some, the dwarves got some. The men had a few, I think. But it sucked. The men got nine. The dwarves got some. The dwarves got some. Man had a few, I think. But it sucked. Man got nine. Elves had a couple.

It goes down like nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, Sauron. Yeah. But like, what if you put all of them on your hand? You'd die. Would you? I don't know. Would I turn into a god? I think you'd turn into a god.

A god. A god, half turn into a god. A god lord. Half god, half god lord. Look, people ask how many rings were in the Lord of the Rings, and there's 19. That's a stupid number. They were made by the Alvin Smiths, Erogion, led by Calimbrador. Calimbrador. Yep. That's a Calimbrador.

They were grouped into three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarves, and nine for men. And then there was one other sneaky ring made, which was the one ring that we now have control over. Okay. The one ring that rules them all. Right. But then what does that make you?

Does that just make you a manager? Yeah. You have to take care of the other rings. Hi, I'm ring manager. How can I help you today? But then is that like, are you like, if there's suffering in like middle earth,

then do people come to you and go, hey manager, why aren't you dealing with this? Yeah, look, I noticed the men with their rings are rights now. What are you going to do about it? Oh, that's right. And I'll be like,

hey, look, I'm manager of rings and I get it, like suffering. Very funny, but that's not part of my job. Okay? Very funny wordplay, I guess. I take my job seriously.

Yeah, because that's how the ringwraiths become ringwraiths, don't they? It's the nine men. It's the nine dudes, yeah. Is that the same as, like, dwarves? Dead now. What? What happened to, like, the dwarves and the elves? Yeah, I don't know.

The elves are probably like, oh, wait, no, they think they probably still just have the rings, but they just, like, probably shouldn't wear them and know what'll happen. Yeah, they'll probably keep them somewhere special. Because like, unlike men, elves and dwarves, not dickheads. I hope you're not going to Google it. It's like, oh no, they ate them or some shit. And then encased them in an ember, like in Jurassic Park. Just what happened to the rings?

This is what people sign up to our podcast for. Lord of the Rings. Us doing research in the episode. Lord of the Flies. The one ring to find Piggie. Piggie had asthma and then his head got broken on a rock. Oh, there's a lot. Oh, don't.

We can figure it out. Anyway, what I do with the ring. Yep. Because I don't want it to corrupt me, but I always mad at Frodo at the end when Sam's like, let me carry the ring, Frodo. Sorry, I just wanted to interrupt because the elves were like, this is just gonna corrupt us

and took him off. Ah, see? Clever. But it always bugged me. Sam's like, let me carry the ring, Frodo. And Frodo's like, no, Sam, I have to carry the ring. Frodo's like, Sam's like, okay. But like, so... Frodo! Sam! Frodo Sam Frodo

Sam Ring Fuck this movie So If I put the ring on like another being Yes But being even less than a hobbit Yes

What's less than a hobbit? Like a rabbit? A rat Yeah like a rat Cause like a hobbit is somewhere between a man and a rat It's like a double rat A hobbit I go down all the way to the rat end and I just attach the ring to a rat.

Problem. Yeah. So Sauron, you know, he's like, he's ravens. I like his eyes and he can control the birds. And I feel what's going to happen is rats probably is going to give the ring to Sauron. To be honest though, Jackson, if I gave you the one ring and I was like sour is going to come get it, what's your first move going to be? Put it on. I thought your first move would be like, let him have it.

Oh, well, yeah. If he came to me before I got a chance to escape and he was like, give me the ring, I'd be like, it's yours, buddy. Enjoy the kingdom. No, I was going to like duct tape it to a rat. Send the rat into the sewers. Because then the rat will become like a bad bloke rat to the

other rats but it's all happening in rat town so it's like not your problem doesn't affect humanity yeah he might become a rat king yeah but he's down there rat king yeah just just over there off with me but could they could they sort of like you know if he if he's controlling some of the rats do you think he could join together and sort of form a humanoid rat made up of lots of rats? In a coat. A rat wraith. Rat wraith? Yeah.

I'm a fan of this rat wraith. He's still the size of a rat. No, because he's now made a suit out of rats. He's a lot of rats. He's a lot of rats, but his face is one rat. Imagine a big cloak full of rats with the king rat head poking out the top of the cloak. I'd be like i made you i can destroy give me that ring back some bitch yeah but then but then does that if he was to do that

create a sort of like a rat super organizing organism rat wraith yeah uh does that raise the kind of creature up a level and then does he become more corruptible? Is he closer to God now? Maybe. Because a rat rape does sound like it's above hobbits. Yeah, it does. Is it about who can take who in a fight? No, because it sounds more like it's funny because now you've gone like God is at the top, rats are at the bottom.

So the opposite of God is a rat? That's kind of how I see it. Or a worm. I could put a worm. A worm's probably not thick enough for the ring. Oh, no, because it shrinks the size to where there's going on it. Put it on a worm's head.

That worm digs itself way down in the ground. Worst case scenario, you get some ringwraiths with a stick being like, where is it? That's giving me an idea. Strand a hair Put the ring on it, tiny ring Hide it wherever you want, no one's finding it That's very clever

That would be a perfect way to tie your ponytail Just put that ring, slide that ring over it My famous ponytail What's got the world's tiniest fingers? Like what kind of like Those chimp things With those real long gross fingers Oh yeah yeah yeah

One of them Those gnarly bodies Yeah chuck it on one of them Yeah chuck it on one of them Cut off his finger I feel like my problem here though Yeah Because I introduced the idea of like

You know you attach it to an animal It's that it'll corrupt the animal I feel again Because like it seems that Sauron has some Like Because you know He does talk about having spies in, like, ravens. And I think maybe even rats.

I actually don't know. Or I might be just thinking of Dracula. Yeah. So. Fair. I guess they have very much, you know, similarities. You know, they both turn into bats and have a floating eye in the sky. Yeah, absolutely.

So I do feel like you're giving it to any sort of creature or critter that may be not as sentient as a hobbit, it's going to deliver it. What about if I pushed it inside a jellyfish? Yeah, all right. You know, like a jellyfish basically is just like goo. So if I just forced the ring into the middle of the jellyfish, big old bobulous head. Yeah.

And then I just set it off in the lake or whatever. I mean, like, again, a raven could just pick up a jellyfish. Yeah. Ravens are my downfall. What about in the inside of a whale? Corrupt whale, though. Yeah, but what's it going to do? Beach himself?

Oh, it's going to beach himself. Never mind. Beach himself, he rots, the raven's coming. All right. Damn. All right, my suggestion is I'll just eat it. Yeah, and then digest it. No.

No, I won't. Yeah. No, I won't. Yeah, I won't. Because surely that's not going to be good for my digestive tract. Probably clog it up. So your plan is to get constipated with the one ring. What if it tries to clasp around your intestine, but from the inside, so it expands out? The ring won't do that. I'm wearing it.

What if your middle becomes invisible? Yeah. That's cool. What if you go to the doctor and he's like, I will give you a CT scan and have a look at your guts. And he's like, your guts are invisible. They're gone. That's cool. Invisible guts. Yeah, what happens like those little tiny, what are they called? Ganglia or like. Oh yeah, the little

things. A little inside of your stomach. Yeah, them ones. Oh yeah, that turns into the world's smallest ring I pass it enjoy corrupt guts yeah everything you eat

is going to be corrupted that's good also I just realized your excrement is going to be so evil hi I'm Joel do you want to take evil shits

they can do so much crime you're gonna that's an affront to God What does it feel like to have evil in your belly? Does that send your guts to the spirit world? If a ringwraith is looking for you Do they just see your floating guts? I also think that means

The worst case scenario for me Is I get cavity searched by a ringwraith Yeah, that's true And you can just imagine them all standing around you being like, I think it's in him. I think it's up inside. I think he swallowed it. I think they've got quite sharp armor

on their fingers and hands. They might just stab you. That's unpleasant. Oh yeah, that's true. I like that we've all gone like, yeah, they'll go up the butthole. No, no, no. They're not going to be like,

put a rubber glove on their big gauntlet Careful with his body He's gonna stab you Then be up in your guts Like where is this It's so tiny I'll die But they won't find it

Yeah They're gonna be there For like maybe a century Just looking Being like That's gotta be some Where is it I can't see this damn ring

What does Sauron want Like if I give him the ring... To control all of Middle-earth, I believe. What's bad about that? Well, for my... Okay, you're familiar with the concept of dictators. Yes. And genocide.

Yes. And you know why those are bad? Who's he genociding? Mostly the elves and the humans, but orcs? The elves are going anyway. That's true. But humans aren't. Hey, you know what? No, no, no, no, no.. The elves are going anyway. That's true. But humans are. Hey, you know what?

Consider the... No, no, no, no, no. Consider the... This is the time of man. This is the time of orc. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's all right. And the people from...

I think they were the east, which are like the Middle East and all the glory. Yeah, yeah. But whatever. I think I'm closer to an orc than a man. And plus there are also... There's groups of men that work for Sour on it. Yeah. Shop with Rakuten and you'll get it.

What's it? It's the best deal. The highest cash back. The most savings on your shopping. So join Rakuten and start getting cash back at Sephora, Old Navy, Expedia, and other stores you love. You can even stack sales on top of cash back.

Just start your shopping with Rakuten to save money at over 750 stores. Join for free at rakuten.ca or get the Rakuten app. That's R-A-K-U-T-E-N. Are elves a metaphor for people from Asia? I do not know. Interesting suggestion. I've always thought that.

Because if this is supposed to be a representation of the Second World War or something like that. Anyway, I just thought that maybe that's what they're implying. But forget it. They've got a Japanese-y feel. Yeah, yeah. Forget it. No, they kind of live in like... They've got a Japanese-y feel. Yeah, yeah.

Like certainly the... Whatever the city that is... But that... Hang on. In a tree. That's scary though because if the Japanese are on the good side... Well, you know, J.R.R.R.R. Tolkien had some weird views.

Yeah. We're finding out. Hobbits are dirt men. They are far from God. But they are the heroes of this story. Yeah, true which is confusing yeah his what what is political beliefs what again so like yes if sauron like becomes the ruler yeah yeah what's the worst that could happen just a new status quo is he gonna make everywhere mortal is that his plane going to be like, well, why would I turn delicious fucking Minas Tirith into gross-ass Mordor?

Yeah. Well, I mean, he likes Mordor. He lives there. Gobos. Put on a suit. Yeah. Dress up nice. So he's racist. Yeah. That's bad. Is he not a racist? Is he in a physical form? Or is he just an eye? Sometimes he wears a suit of armour before he had his hand with the ring cut off.

Then he became an eye for a bit. Yeah. Which is odd. It is a strange move. A hand for an eye. So he just like pours his eye energy into a suit of armor? I guess so. Yes.

And he just likes it hot. Is that kind of thing? Yeah. Like if I'm like, hey, Sauron, you can have the ring. But like when the time comes, you got to be like a cool dude to me or whatever. And he's like, yeah, man, all right. But I'm like, do I have to live in Mordor? Can I live at the beach or whatever?

I think the problem here is that I think he just wants to turn everything into Mordor. Otherwise, I'm on your side. I don't think I would have a problem with Sauron taking control because I'm like, look, hey, you've got some interesting ideas. Maybe it's time for the time of Orc.

Orc rights, that's cool. Maybe let them have their time in society. They're clearly sentient. They give birth, weirdly. They have love. Yeah. So like, meat's back on the menu, boys. And they love it.

That's what they said. That's what one, when they're about to eat Merry and Pippin or whatever. Yeah. He's like, meat's back on the menu, boys. But I always thought it was- No, because they kill another orc. Ah, right. I just thought it was such a nice moment of orcen or whatever. Yeah. He's like, meat's back on the menu, boys. But I always thought it was... No, because they kill another orc. Ah, right.

I just thought it was such a nice moment of orc camaraderie. Yeah. They're cannibals. They're not like... They've got their own culture. They're just like, hey, this is sick. Are you excited? I'm excited.

Oh, no more vegetarian food. Exactly. I'm sick of tofu. Exactly. Again, they've got their own culture. Yeah. So, like, you know, there's nothing bad about... But I'm... Well, I'm not man or orc or whatever.

I'm not... But, again, the assumption here, for the sake of being, like, maybe just don't give it to Sauron, is that he will turn everything into mortal. And mortal seems... Just be, like, a little bit suspicious of anybody who wants, like, to control everything so badly. Yeah, anybody who's like, I'd like ultimate power.

You're like, ooh. Oh, yeah. I guess we should be suspicious of that. Yeah, all right, fair. Well. But then, like, you know, he doesn't want to destroy everybody because he doesn't want to be alone, I imagine. Unless, like, he wants to have ultimate power and be alone. Like, all he's looking for, which as a sort of, like, a non-physical being, potentially, who is everywhere, it might be hard for him to find a corner by himself yeah

true maybe all he really wants is for himself to be dead just a little piece oh I think maybe he just wants himself to be alone yeah he wants to put the ring on and go invisible and you

have some me time yeah he's still gonna get hassled by ringwraiths oh he will too yeah that's only nine murders to get to be alone so that's not too bad yeah that's pretty easy to

get kind of get done get the Ravens what's the thing like I never understand like it's the same as sarah and voldemort as well like i just don't why what are they getting at the end yeah voldemort was getting cuddles yeah he wanted that's only from drake like i get it good bit but seriously like he destroys hogwarts kills harry yeah and then he wanted to rule Hogwarts. I think he always wanted to be a teacher as well. Yeah, but I don't think he was doing it all so that he could be like,

and I'm the potions teacher. Yeah, I think it was just mostly spite. Yeah. But then what's the... It's the same with Sauron. Like, what's the end game? It's like, cool, you rule the good one. Now what?

I think it's just like... I think from memory, there's like another greater evil above Sauron. Oh, boy. Yeah. Why? Sauron. Oh, boy. Yeah. Why? Sauron going to fight that one? Maybe. I think Sauron wants the ring because the ring is the end goal.

It's like if president was the end goal, but you actually didn't care about running a country. That was not meant to be a political metaphor. I realize that sounded like a hot take. I genuinely didn't mean it. That was one of Jackson Bailey's hot political takes on the current political metaphor. I realize that sounded like a hot take. I genuinely didn't mean it. It's like chasing a... Oh, that was one of Jackson Bailey's

hot political takes on the current political climate. That was the first and last political take you'll ever get. It's kind of, again, it's like chasing, you know... The political advisor, Jackson Bailey.

Cheater. The Joker, Dark Knight. It's like a dog chasing cars. Yeah. He doesn't know what he's going to do when he gets it. And that's like him. He's like,

I don't want to get the one ring. I'm going to get the one ring and destroy everyone and then I don't know what I'm going to do. So maybe my plan will just be Aaron's like, give me the ring. And I'm like, yeah, all right. what he's going to do when he gets it. And that's like him. He's like, I don't want to get the one ring. I'm going to get the one ring and destroy everyone. And then I don't know what I'm going to do. So maybe my plan will just be, everyone's like, give me the ring. And I'm like, yeah, all right. And he's like, oh, fuck. No, because his next step is to destroy everyone.

Yeah, well, he does that. And then he comes back to me. And I'm like, yeah. Yeah, but hang on. Wait. What's everyone? It doesn't include me. He's killing you first.

A hide in a hole. He's like, thanks to the ring stab yeah i'm like i oh come on it's nice that he's letting you relinquish the ring before he stabs you yeah that's a little bit merciful waiting for that means the last thing you see is you betraying the world i mean surely you could you could go hey i'll give you the ring but don't kill me yeah he'll be like, cool. Sure. Fuck you. Stab.

Because what's more evil than an instant betrayal? Yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of things, but still. What if I, instead of giving him a ring, I give him a ball? Blow up his other hand. Oh, gotcha. It's a grenade. How about what I do? If you get the one ring, then you have a bowl or a tub of other rings.

Just chuck it in there. Confuse them. Leave it alone. Confuse them for a bit. How many rings? Maybe I'll go to that dragon place. Ah, yeah. Where the dragon is from The Hobbit.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Smaug. Smaug. I was like, what's his name is it smorgasbord that's not right yeah so go there drop that ring in amongst the treasure buried for a bit find like it's got to be i'm assuming that smog was a bit like you know you wanted like things in order so he's got like these are my pile this is the ring section like plates these are my pile of this

so like you know maybe a ring pile flip it in there and be like, done. Or find a dragon. Be like, hey, dragon, you have it. Do you want this ring? It's pretty sick. He puts it on, he's like,

I'm an affront to God. Dragons are pretty hot. Dragon, how close are you to God? Pretty close. Why? Just no reason. Okay, have a good day. Bye, dragon.

You're a chill dragon. You're not like, that's a weird question. Whatever, it. You're a chill dragon. You're not like, that's a weird question. Whatever, it seems like you've got stuff in your mind. People ask me a lot of things. In my years above this earth, I have learned to just answer everything and carry on with my day.

People expect dragons to be wise, but I spent centuries lying on treasure, so I don't really have an education. I'm really just a hoarder of money and rubies and what you want to know about what it's like to have a lot of treasure that's basically the beginning and end of my wheelhouse i'm basically just a fancy flying horse fuck i'd love to come in with like a psychologist who deals specifically with hoarders, like a dragon, and be like, okay, can we throw away this goblet?

You've got some problems. No. I might need that. For what? Just in case I need to put something inside it. It got it very cheap. It's very valuable. How about we put this in the maybe pile?

No! No, just for now. I have to go outside. Okay, okay, okay. We'll just put it in the yes pile. No! No, just for now. I have to go outside. Okay, okay, okay. We'll just put it in the yes pile. You know I can breathe fire, right? What about this decorative plate? Put that down.

That was a gift. Okay, okay, okay. So that's in the yes pile. What about this singular gold coin? I use that daily. It's part of a collection of other gold coins. I need it to do washing. I'm going to the laundromat later today.

Are you? Yes. My dragon bib is dirty. I like the idea of the horde slowly becoming more and more just like a regular horde's house. You're like, okay, so we'll put those goblets away. These pile of newspapers dating back to 1985. Oh, it's a collector's item. It'll be worth millions one day.

These are just old cans. Look, that newspaper has the time that Sauron had his finger cut off. Those cans can go, though, you're right. Thank you for helping me heal. We did good today, Smaug. Okay, so putting it with Smaug's collection of treasure seems like quite a good idea,

although I just can like the fucking ringwraiths be like... Wait, isn't that where it was originally? Nah. I know, it was in a cave or some shit, wasn't it? No, it was in... Did it bounce? Did it bounce somewhere? It bounced down to old

Gollum. It was in a lake for a long time, which I'm not going to lie, is my other option, is to put it in a lake. Well, Gollum's your problem. Because that worked for a while, like 500 years. Then you get a Gollum problem. Eh, whatever. I'm dead by then. Ring in a lake, get a Gollum. Yeah, but like, who cares? You get a

Gollum. He wants to protect it from Sauron anyway. Because he wants it. He wants a heroin. Yeah, he does need that heroin. Alright, how about this? You get a golem, he wants to protect it from Sauron anyway Because he wants it He wants a heroin Alright, how about this, I get in a rowboat I go to the ocean Fling it in Splash, done Sinks to the bottom of the ocean Not gonna get a golem

I got some bad news about the ocean Ah, tides Ah, forgot about tides It'll take a while Destroy the moon, throw it in the ocean. Ah, tides. Forgot about tides. It'll take a while. Destroy the moon, throw it in the ocean, then you're alright. Throw it into the moon. Get a rocket into the sun.

Corrupt the sun. That feels like the worst plan. I like the idea that first of all, evil sun, good. But imagine if Frodo got to Mount Doom, flipped it into the volcano, and the volcano was just like, Now I'm evil! This was all a ploy.

Now it's the mountain's time to die. A mountain standing up is a good mental image. Tearing itself out of the ground with little fat legs underneath. It tears itself out and all the lava just kind of flows out. He's like, No, I'm dying! My guts!

These are my guts! It just hollows out. His last words are explaining that lava is his guts. You call this lava, but this is my guts. My intestines are made of molten rock.

I'm dying. I really like the idea of all the lava drying and like Frodo's watched it all and as the lava dries, the ring just pops back out of his face. It's like, I don't, I just, I don't want to. Time to find another volcano, fellas. It doesn't loony tunes close or it zooms on his face.

That's all folks, or is it? That's all folks. That's two famous endings at once yeah so if if it says that you have to drop it in Mount Doom

because it's the fires of Mount Doom forged in the fire but it's also hot enough yeah so the sun you're probably good or just find like

another volcano I like the idea of this it's like no no no the sun's second hottest this volcano hotter. Because it can't be that fucking hot. Furtugers in there. Yeah, that's true. Put it in an oven.

Just a fireplace. It's weird because what other things that are made you have to destroy them in the place that they are made? You don't cook a loaf of bread in the oven and go, well, the only way we can destroy this bread is to put it back in the oven. I was like, man.

Get back in there. Reverse birthed. The only way to kill me is to die. Kill him by drowning him in your mom's vagina. I'm sorry. But my mom's already dead. I don't care. Hand me that shovel.

That's real bad because if it means your mum's dead, that means she's in... She's already inside a vagina. It's very recursive. It's a pattern. An unpleasant pattern. One of the most unpleasant patterns. Cemeteries would be very long.

It's like a vault. No, they wouldn't because it would just be like a... It's just like a turkey being stuffed with a turkey being stuffed with a turkey, basically. It'd just be big. Yeah. I think your family, instead of having a plot, like a burial plot, you'd have a burial trench. Yeah. And then you'd just keep getting further and further away.

You remember that game on a Nokia phone, Snake? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That. That's a pretty deep cut obscure reference no I'm not familiar with the video game snake

I don't know why I chose that point to be like yeah I'm gonna get snarky about this I mean look there's people

that were born probably in the year 2000 that are like snow what I feel like people get snake

what is this word a snake yeah I know the animal. Like, is that a type of pain? Like a type of snuff pain? So when they said, like, the game Breakout, everyone would be like, I remember that game.

Fair play. Yeah. I can't recall Breakout. No, I know what Breakout is. It's the bat with the ball and you break the... I know it, but I'm not young. Yeah, that's fair. Hey, Siri.

No. I like that you're putting it in the sea because you put it in the sea and it's just like worst case scenario, a fish gets it. Yeah, a crux fish. What damage can a fish do? The problem here is though, if the fish gets it, then you go fishing and then you get that fish. Or like, someone eats that fish and then you go fishing for it. that's the problem of it so you got to go deep sea diving bury it

yeah my question though is are we just trying to delay the amount of time before sauron gets his hands on it is that the goal or does getting corrupted by it yourself like i know that it kind of like it means that you might do something bad, but then you might still have a great life. That's true. Even if you're corrupted, right? So we've got... What was your plan originally? Put it on a rat. I'll tape it to a rat.

Put it on a rat. I've got to eat it. You've got to put it in the ocean. Alistair's like, I'll just be Sauron. I'll just be a bad guy. See, that's clever. You deliver it to Mountain Doom, but you deliver it to Sauron and be like, I'll just be a bad guy. See, that's clever. Oh, yeah, yeah. What are you like? You deliver it to Mountain Doom, but you deliver it to Sauron and be like, I've got this for you. Or you're just like, it's mine now. Yeah, couldn't you kill Sauron if you're wearing it? Probably.

Yeah, he's just a fucking eye. Yeah, or wind him. Oh, just stand at the base and just give him the finger. Throw rocks up there. Get rocks in his eye, gravel in his eye. He blinks a bunch. You tip him over. Because it's all just a physical structure. So surely if you

just punch that thing with your fucking ring strength enough, you just crumble it and the eye would be like, I don't know where to go. And then disappear. His eye would wind up in the mud. It would be really humiliating for him. Just all flat down there flopping like a fish. An eyeball flopping like a fish. Yeah.

An eyeball flopping like a fish is unpleasant. Then you could put your eye up there. You could take his eye, right? If it's just like an actual eyeball. Yeah. You could like make a vehicle out of it. You know, like maybe like that would be your front wheel. So to have like do one of those ball and socket kind of thing. Yeah, yeah.

Like that. You just have two wheels on the back. It's a big trike. You ride it down a bunch of hills. Ride it down the volcano. Like that with the ir have two wheels on the back. It's a big trike. You ride it down a bunch of hills. Ride it down the volcano. Like that with the eye of Sauron. Ride it past Frodo. It's just like, there's a bigger problem, I guess.

Yeah, you're just this bikey, badass, corrupted asshole who's just riding Sauron's eye around. No one's going to fuck with you now. I was an affront to God then, and now I'm a fucking bigger one now, guts. Start a rock band. I have Sauron's a good band name. Yeah, it is toe. That is toe.

Yeah, front wheel Sauron. That's good. It is great to imagine you just like roll into a town, get some pretty hobbit lady on the back of your bike. Off you go. Steal someone's wife. So you're a hobbit in this case? Or are you a man

and you've got a bunch of hobbit ladies? You were just you. You just went to hobbit. Yeah, I just went to hobbit town. They find hobbit fillies when I hop on this bicycle of mine. Forget it. Get a bunch of hobbit guys as well.

Yeah, no. Get one of those big, like, massive... You know those bikes that have the big back seat? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just do that. Feel like a lot of sexy hobbit men and women, huh? Like what Gandalf did, but presumably with more fucking. Yeah.

Like if the fucking hobbits, the dwarves that were going to take care of that dwarf shit were all, you know, having at each other. That could be you. That's kind of the dream. How about? Because you know how the ring was a gift?

Yeah. And it was like, you know. Happy birthday, Sauron. It's so rude to throw away a gift. I needed it. It was a gift. But you know how you always have a cupboard full of gifts you don't really want? Yeah, yeah.

And so you find the perfect opportunity to re-gift it. Let's re-gift it. I'll end the impetus to take care of it off you, and it's on your aunt or something. Yeah, yeah. And so you find the perfect opportunity to re-gift it. Let's re-gift it. Well, then the impetus to take care of it's off you and it's on your aunt or something. Yeah, yeah. That's nice. You know, then she has to deal with it and it's all her responsibility

and she can't really come to you and be like, hey, what the fuck? Because you're like, that was a gift. I gave that to you out of the goodness of my heart. I could have been a bad bloke on a fucking iBicycle full of sexy Hobbit men and women. Instead, I'm giving this ring to you. I'm letting you live that life.

And then you might end up, this is just a rat problem, but with an aunt. Yeah. An evil aunt. I guess you could just, you could give it back to your aunt, put it on her finger, let her get corrupted, but you just put her on a chain or something like that. Oh, yeah. You know, sort of like at the end, you know, like, you know, sort of like at the end of Shaun of the Dead,

he kind of just chains up his friend and lets him play video games. Yeah, yeah, just chain up your aunt. Yeah, chain up, it's like, it's more old-timey, so I don't know, you set her up like a chessboard or something like that. So, like, you stop her from doing any kind of really evil acts, but she's corrupted and kind of powerful and stuff,

but, you know, she can't. You just come in and she's occasionally floating, you're like, stop that, auntie. Sit down, auntie, come on. Ah, but the's corrupted and kind of powerful and stuff, but she can't. You just come in and she's occasionally floating. You're like, stop that, Arnie. Sit down, Arnie. Come on. But the problem is the ring rates. They're going to come in and after several rounds of chess, they're probably going to free her and then they've got the ring. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She'll manipulate you. What about this?

I got a couple of aunts, though. That's true. Well, I was thinking, what if you get a town and the town just shares the ring? You spread out. It takes a village to hold the one ring. Spread that evil out. So everybody's getting a tiny bit corrupted, but it's like a percentage. It's going to be like, okay, it's your turn to give up the ring.

No. That's why you just got to be close. That's all right. I'll just do a double shift. It's fine. You just got to regiment. Get corrupted. The person in charge of this scheduling will be like,

hey, remember Gary has had the ring for three years now? Oh, we wouldn't let him. You get one for a day at max. Yeah, but like again- Are you going to take it off him? Yes. Good luck. I'm going to have a guard that aren't allowed to wear the ring.

And also the crawling body aren't allowed to wear the ring. They might be like, maybe it is up to us to wear the ring. And also the grueling body aren't allowed to wear the ring. They might be like, maybe it is up to us to wear the ring. Hey Jackson, if I gave you a gold ring and the one ring, could you tell them apart? Well, one whispers. Not all the time. One's always going... The other ring's just a ring.

So you'd have to hold it up to your ear. I'd be like, which one's saying shit? Oh, it's all whispering. Yeah, okay. This is the bad bloke one. Yep. And I'd throw the other ring back at your face. I think I've got another good move is to try and either find a place where we can kind of really melt it down.

I know it's like the fires of Mount Doom, but surely. It's just a heat issue. Just need to get hot enough. You got to get some places that are hotter. Because what you could do is you could melt it and could you make it into something else? And also like... Fake eye. The spoon of Sauron.

Eat some cursed cereal. One spoon to eat them all. Like I said before, Frodo actually gets into Mount Doom, so it can't be that hot. Yeah, that's true. You've got a pretty hot forge. Yeah, like it's hot, but so it can't be that hot. Yeah, that's true. Like, it's- You go to a pretty hot forge. Yeah, like, it's hot, but, like-

It's not that hot. It's not that hot. Or tie it around a heron's leg and throw that heron at the sun. A rocket- I mean, it's Middle-Earth. That's why I went for a heron. Well, yes, Middle-Earth, but they have magic. Gandalf can create fireworks. Yeah, that's true.

And, oh, good old mate, that Balrog. He looks pretty hot. Yeah. Eat this. Tied to an arrow, fire the arrow at Balrog's mouth. Yeah. He eats the ring and he dies. Sauron is like, what? As he just like unexpectedly eats shit early. I wasn't expecting that

until two movies from now. It's just very funny for him being like, where's the door? Where's the hobbit? What the fuck? As he crashes. Did something else happen? Yeah, it's strange. And then he falls. Yeah.

So the problem is always the ring wraiths, that they're always after it. I mean, obviously, if you were to do it with your village, you could either find a way of... Obviously, you're always luring them. They're constantly in a state of lure. And so you could just kill them, I imagine., you're always luring them. They're constantly in a state of lure, and so you could just kill them, I imagine. But maybe you can't kill them. I think you can. I'm pretty sure some do die. Yeah, I think so.

You can kill them. They're just hard to kill. Yeah, right. But there's only nine, right? That feels like something a whole race of people could work together and do. A village could probably do it. But maybe one way that you could just... What if you just kept it on the move all the time? Let's say you hook it up with your local sort of Silk Road thing or whatever.

And you just keep it on the move all the time. Yeah. Like that. And you just make sure that you're... So it's basically, you just put it in a Ziploc bag, stick it in your orders. It's like you hide it kind of like you would hide cocaine in a bunch of dolls or something. And you just are always just trading it around this thing. And then they'll probably be following you somehow,

but they'll never show up and go, where's the ring? And you'll be like, sorry, man, it's already gone. All right, come have a look. I don't know. Do you want some cocaine? Yeah, and they give them cocaine

and they're having a real good time. Ring rates on Coke, that's scary. They just forget what they're kind of here for. Or they'd be extra focused. Yeah, well, that's a problem. What about this? Thank you for that cocaine. I figured the case, I'll be back.

I'm not quite sure if they need to sleep anyway, but they will definitely not need to sleep anymore. Tie it to a weather balloon. Ah, up, up. Up is the best place to hide something. We've been thinking down, like dickheads. No, but also down, core of the earth. Oh, hot.

It's really hard to get there, though. It's tough. It's like super hot. And trust me, I've tried. Oh, actually, maybe we could send it to like a shallow area where there's like hot core of the earth stuff. Maybe like in a volcano or something. Yeah.

When the core of the earth comes to the surface of you. I've heard that. Some kind of like mountain. Like a Mount Doom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a Mount Doom type scenario. Yeah, yeah. Fuck.

We should just go to Mount Doom. Just drop that shit in there. Yeah, it's easy. Tie it to a heron. Tie it to a heron. Gauge which direction you think Mount Doom is in andied to a heron. Tied to a heron. Gauge which direction you think Mount Doom is in and hurl the heron. That's probably

sorted. Could you convince a golem-esque person to maybe do the job for you? Probably. Because I don't want to do it. If I'm Frodo, I'm like, no, you do it. If Sam's like, Zammush, give me the ring. I'm like, yeah like yeah sure here it is

take it we're both hobbits we're both far from god what you'd actually really want is a network of hobbits going all the way to mount doom so nobody's gonna get corrupted for too long at max a month you know because frodo has it around his neck for like fucking years and yeah yeah so a month is like nothing you have it around your neck you walk it from Hobbiton to like some place, do the changeover. From that place to the next place, do the changeover. And just chain, daisy chain your way up to Mount Doom and drop it in. Yeah. Yeah, you get to, you know, like, was it Bilbo who used to like,

you know, in the first movie where he kind of like rubs his finger along it and it seems to feel good. Everybody gets a turn. You gotta have a rub. You gotta have gets a turn you got a week to rub a week to just enjoy it and love it and it's sweet maybe give it a few kisses yeah that's fine it's like it's probably like the first time you have ecstasy it's actually like you're like wow it really opened up my mind made me like i didn't realize how much i love my friends yeah like dance music it's just kind of great therapeutic stuff. It's probably good at, like probably having a little bit of exposure to the ring

is probably great at like treating PTSD. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it. I put my life in perspective now. Yeah. And then you pass it on. You're like, here's the gift of the one ring. Yeah, yeah.

And then the last person's like, yeah, when you're done, just pop it in the volcano. And they're like, no. And actually those benefits will probably pass down the generations of the hobbits even after the ring because everybody will have dealt with their problems. They'll probably break the cycle of violence

that might exist in the hobbit. Domestic violence is something I like to think about when I think of the Shire. It is rife. It does seem like it's bubbling beneath the surface. Something's not right there, and I'm glad someone's pointed it out. But I mean, just using the ring for therapeutic

reasons and just passing it around through the people, that's not a bad idea. Yeah. I like that we've just given the world ecstasy. The problem here, though, is the last person, one of the person's job was to pop it into the mountain. He could be like, but this is really good and therapeutic, so

we'll just keep passing it back And the problem there is The last person needs to be straight edge Problem solved Or here's the trick Is anyone straight edge in Lord of the Rings Sam surely He seems like

They all like their pipe weed What about that dwarf Gimli? Gimli, is he straight? Gimli, he likes Straight edge? He likes a bit of Not sure about the other one

He likes a bit of pipe weed I think he's also You see him drink I'm like 80% sure he's bi Yeah, yeah, absolutely I just sort of figured that I figured that just a lot of them are And I don't know why

Legolas definitely is Yeah, yeah I just assume everyone's kind of figure that just a lot of them are And I don't know why Legolas definitely is Yeah yeah I just assume everyone's kind of going at it A lot of the ranks It's a sexy time for me to be alive There's not a lot to do Exactly Think of all the sentient race

It's like a buffet Yeah absolutely It's just like Woodstock but all the time But what you're going to do with that daisy chain Is just the last person thinks that they're Oh yeah That's how you celebrate. No, I'm...

The last person thinks they're throwing it in the volcano but actually you hand it to them and then you football tackle them. Because they're like maybe I use this for therapy and then you're like hoof! And you both fall in. So you need like

basically golem on a chain. Yeah. So you just need the second last person in the ring. You need to have had the ring before so that the ecstasy effects don't affect them as much. Yeah. So basically they may have it for two weeks. Or just like ready to sacrifice themselves for a greater cause. So the second last person

has to have the ring for two weeks. Yeah. Yeah. Because then they'll get corrupted. Yeah. They'll be like, I'll push on a mate. There is that thing that happens after ecstasy where sometimes you have your serotonin is depleted. And so yeah. The second last person to have got it

will be like just two days off of having it and you'll be like, fuck everything. I'm never going to be happy again. I'm empty. I'm a vessel. You could get rid of that, plus sort out Middle Earth. Die a hero. Die a hero. And also, you're not going to be happy for a while anyway, so you might as well just do it.

And there's a chance that on the way down into the volcano, you'll just get a little touch of that ring. Yeah, exactly. A little brush of the ring. Like, there you go. This is worth it! And imagine how good that hot magma would feel on your skin. Oh, here you go. Breathing feels so good.

Breathing lava. It's like a warm hug. And the mountain gets up. Yeah. Now I'm a bad blood. And drains like a toilet. My guts. I'm a mountain and the lava is my guts.

I also imagine a toilet flushing sound happening. I flush like a toilet. I think that's probably the best way to end it. What's indoor plumbing? I don't know yet. I've explained know yet. I've explained too much. Yeah, I think that's probably the best way to do it.

Yeah, I'm not going to say we solved it, but we solved it. It's like Lord of the Rings, but faster and better, because everyone's fucking cooked. Everyone's cooked, everyone's fucking, and the mountains know about indoor plumbing, and the lava is their guts. It's just Woodstock, baby. And on that note,

I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've also been Joel. I have been Alistair. And I guess I'm adored to the thing where I say... Yeah, I was going to be like, where can I find you, Alistair?

Where can we find you? I wasn't sure. I was worried about silence. We always are. I'm on the Two in the Think Tank podcast. The sketch coming up with idea podcast oh my god great sentence uh which the guys have been guests on before thank you very much uh and you can find me at two in the think tank uh wait at two in tank that's our thing and mine is

uh at alistair tb a l a s d a. Flawless plug. Links will be in the show notes. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you. You solved Middle Earth's all of their problems. Do you remember the taste of strawberries? No. What?

Nothing. It's just what they say when they're on the rock and they put the ring in the volcano and they're lying there and he's like, do you remember the taste of strawberries? And he's like, I don't think I'm ever going to eat strawberries again, Sam. Okay. Taters, po-tatoes. Thanks for listening

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