Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Hide Your Secret Identity?

Episode Date: December 5, 2021

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you're listening to the sans pants network home of comedy culture adventures and ghosts hey everybody and welcome to this week's episode of plumbing the death star i'm joel i'm jackson and today returning to the third mic the man himself the hosts with the most Plum in the Death Star experience. Probably not anymore, but he's back anyway. Oh my god, it's Joel Zammett. Not once did you call me effervescent. I retired that now that you're back.

I want that. The joke's not funny anymore. No, I want it though. Introduce me. Thank you. Felt bad to be forced into it. That's a joke that spans the entire San Spence Radio Network and is an example of me solely bullying Jackson. It's good.

Anyway, today we're asking important questions like, how would you hide your secret identity? I like the extra emphasis on the S there. It's because I almost said super identity and bailed mid-word. So, okay, so Superman. I mean, any superhero with a secret identity. Also, you can probably tell, but we're back in the studio. Also worth noting, we're all facing each other in the same room, which is dangerous.

It feels the energy is different. It's chaotic. The fact that I can get up and go at any moment, it's powerful. That's why I had to retire the FFS. I'm like, if I bully him to his face, he can just leave. That's me. Bye. But yes, any superhero has to hide their...

Well, anyone with a secret identity anyone with I guess loved ones yeah they decide or some superheroes decide they'll have a secret they will keep

their super identity and their civilian identity separate because they're like look if someone finds out that I've got a wife and a kid

or a good friend my aunt my nonna you can't be super, you're Italian. Yes, that's right. If I was Superman, Superman would be like, Mamma Mia, and everyone's like, There I am, super sitting down,

having my super spaghetti and meatball, having that, and then someone is like, that's a man, he's looking like a superman. He's looking like a superman, but Superman, obviously not Italian. You, Clark Kent, are the most Italian man I know. And you're eating spaghetti and maple. So yeah, you're in this restaurant that is very Italian.

Very funny. Perry White. It's like, I knew you a couple of years. The Italians knew, but. I just love the idea of someone looking over at Clark Kent at the Daily Planet or whatever and being like, is he Superman? Then Clark Kent pulls out his lunch,

which is just some spaghetti and meatballs. No! Of course not. So, okay, so the question is... Yes, it is. We're in the same position as Superman, okay? We're superheroes. Three of us.

Okay. Obviously. Obviously. How do you keep people off the trail i guess is the question how do you stop people from sniffing you out first thing i would do is probably not get a job in the media and like where i have a public facing job i get that just feels like a little bit like i don't know too much i mean i understand that yes you want to be around so you can be like ah you. You sniff out the news.

Sniff out them crimes. Sniff out the scoops. Yeah. Exactly. We see this, you know, with Peter Parker. He's sniffing scoops. He's sniffing. I'm sniffing some scoops. No, Peter Parker's more like, I'm fighting crime and I want to financially benefit.

Promise. Sniffing paychecks. The only way I can do this is by taking photographs. He's on that grind. Well, okay. Because you don't think anything. But anyway.. You don't have to think anything. But here's the thing to think about. Who are you in your superhero identity?

Because Clark Kent, he didn't let grow a mustache or anything. He looks pretty similar to Superman. Stop for a second. Clark Kent chooses to grow a mustache to disguise himself from Superman. Yeah. So Jackson, when he is Superman,

what happens to the mustache he's growing? He takes it off and he goes into hiding for six months. He just gets a bit of latex, puts it over the top and a bit of makeup and you're done. Superman saves you, you're looking at his top flip and you're like, what the fuck is that? Something's weird. It doesn't look quite right.

You reach out with your finger and move the makeup off. Oh my God, why are you hiding that? He's weird. Something's weird. It doesn't look quite right. You reach out with your finger and move the makeup off. Oh, my God. Why are you hiding that? He's Cesar Romero-ing it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll be the Joker, but I'm not shaving. Yeah, but what I mean is that Superman and Clark Kent, they look like the same guy.

He doesn't wear a mask. Yeah. Okay, so that's, okay. That makes more sense. Yeah, that's what I'm getting at. Yeah, so are we wearing a mask or not? Yeah. Is Super Joel and Super Joel and Super Jackson that we wear a mask?

Well, it's up to you guys. Your name is Jackson. There's a Super Jackson. Yeah, I don't know about that. Named after me, maybe, though. I feel if you are trying to really hide your identity, you should wear a mask. But I feel a mask is hard to breathe through. Yeah, yeah. I feel like, I don't know know have we had the technology where we can actually make like say masks where we can do

quite a lot of physical activity without getting too puffed out well what about if the mask keeps your mouth and nose they're out yeah everything else is hidden oh and also like again and balaclava but with a mouth hole oh yeah and once again like a mask that with the eyes protected enough that we can also see out of our periphery yeah yeah it's like a helmet and it's great and all those kind of things but at the same time it's like i i can't really like see out of my periphery there's a great question but another great question is are we occupying a world like the one we currently live in where if there was three superheroes people were like holy shit three super yeah or is it like a marvel or a dc thing

where it's like oh it's another fucking three guys there's a hundred fucking guys well because i reckon yeah if it was marvel or dc who cares because no one would care you think i wouldn't be like super joel is joel or joel zarmut there's two of them i probably wouldn't be like super Joel, or Joel Zalman. There's two of them. I probably wouldn't give a shit. It'd be like, oh, another one. I just don't think I would. You wouldn't wear a mask? No, so it's not that.

I think if you put any effort to concealing your secret identity, the general public would just not care. They'd be like, whatever. That guy, he's probably just a regular guy but he's powered like the 15 000 other guys yeah it's only like the villains you need to protect from but they're clever so you think they'd figure it out anyway yeah how are they figuring it out well my name's super joe and that's where the trouble begins yeah super joe he kind of like only patrols around these particular areas.

Drive the same car. Drive the same car. So presumably it would be this kind of area. How many people are named Joel, really, in this city? Oh, two of them. Oh, okay. And they're both Super Joel, you say. Interesting.

Interesting. I find the idea of you driving your own car so funny. Pulling out of your garage. You're driving. He's on patrol. He's got to stop some crime. Your cape caught in your car door. Can't he fly?

I like the air conditioning. Oh, my God. Have you? Yeah. Flying? Yeah. Not as comfortable sitting down. Yeah, fair call.

I've got to use effort to fly, I assume. You can listen to the radio while I drive. Yeah. Not as comfortable sitting down. Fair call. I've got to use effort to fly. Yeah. I assume. You can listen to the radio while I drive. Yeah. I can't. If I'm doing that, if I'm flying, I've got to have like some AirPods. And if I drop one, it's gone. Yeah, that's annoying.

Plus I've got to be listening for crime. I'd be fucking pissed off if you saved my life and I saw you had AirPods in it. Why? Pay attention to me. Why? I saved your life. I clearly don't need to. You're listening to something. You're distracted.

I don't like it. Well, did I not save your life? When are you upset? Put me down. All right. Don't kill me. Like on the ground. Sorry I didn't hear you say that last part.

Why did you drop that civilian super gel? He was talking shit. Then you just get in your car and drive off. He said, put me down. So I figured like a common dog, I would put him there. Just drop him? He's a pile of bones and mush. Yeah, whatever.

Aren't you Joel Dusha? No, I'm Super Joel. Peel it out. The other one. You see, what I think I would do is just bad mouth Super Jackson. Just talk about what a piece of shit he was. So that people were like, he couldn't be that guy. He hates that guy.

That's the Peter Parker defense almost. I don't think Peter Parker hates him. Well, no, but you're giving your photos to a man who clearly hates Spider-Man. You're facilitating that problem. Yeah, that's okay. Super Jackson could be loathed by New York. He probably won't be. That wasn't what I was saying.

But no, I'm saying you're just basically using the same kind of premise there to be like, oh, it's the same thing of being like, I want to write some graffiti. Yeah. I know what I'll do. This is like fucking high school or grade school level thinking of being like, if I write on this wall, Jackson rules, they're going to think that I, Jackson, did it. But if I write that Jackson is shit, then no one will suspect me.

Jackson is a turd in a sack. That's Jackson's go-to graffiti. That's super Jackson's go-to graffiti. Clearly this is Jackson trying to... He wears that mask because his brain is actually a human dog shit. Human dog shit?

A human shattered dog shit? And that's Jackson's brain. What? That seems so bad. A human guts contorted into a dog's guts. Okay. Or is the human's diet solely dog shit?

Either way. He'd still be shitting a human shit. If you eat only dog shit Yeah it's just a human shit comprised of dog shit Yeah Well maybe what if Super Jackson is also doing the same back to me What do you mean oh What's wrong with that

You don't like thinking about eating a dog Dog shit Dogs eat dog shit all the time Dogs love dog shit Dogs love cat shit By your logic they're shitting your cat's shit. Well, they are. Yeah, they are. Well, look, if you start a rival between, say, Super Jackson and Jackson-

When a dog eats its own shit and spews, you're not like, oh, I'm just going to clean up my dog's spew because you'd be like, I'm cleaning up dogs. My dog vomited shit. If my dog vomits shit on the carpet, I'm not like, oh, my dog just shat on the carpet. I've got to clean up shit, though. My dog vomited on the carpet. My dog just vomited shit. I'm going to be like, I wish I hadn't woken up today.

I'm obviously going to be like, why is this person asking me so much detail about my dog's vomit? And I got to clean my dog vomit. Oh, it would have vomited up. Weirdly enough, it actually vomited up its own shit. What do you mean it vomited? So you could say it chatted out of its mouth. I couldn't say that.

Well, it ate some dog shit. And so then it clearly vomited it up. And it didn't want to vomit up. Nobody's thinking about it. I didn't want it to do it. So I had to get my hands down there so I vomited his own shit over my hand as well See nobody's thinking about Super Jackson now

It's good It's out of their brain No one's listening at all This episode I don't need it This is one of the songs I love Take another month off Fucking hell Welcome back to the podcast

Think about eating nothing but dog shit and now shitting that dog shit. Dog shit or human shit. Yeah. Tricky. I just feel if you start up a rivalry between, say, Jackson and Super Jackson. Bring it back. Super Jackson and Jackson and you start a rival, you're just bringing attention to it. Yeah, especially because if you've got no reason to hate Super Jackson, it's going to become very apparent that you're trying to just throw people off the set.

What about this? Can I hire one of you guys to dress up like Super Jackson? To put on the tights Super Jackson wears? He only wears tights. But if we're also Super Joel and Super Joel... Well, you're looking like Super Jackson at the time. And then you come beat me, Jackson, secretly Super Jackson. Nobody's any the wiser, and I'm in the ground.

You don't need to worry, not your problem anymore. Well that's an idea, you could always just, um, one of you could fake your own death. I assume Jackson, not Super Jackson. No one knows I'm Super Jackson, because Super Jackson faked his own death. His long death. Because I guess, you know, you want to be a superhero, so I guess you could fake your own death Yeah, oh yeah, that's a night. That's one way to hide your identity. It's funny to get confused Super Jackson faces are death then super jackson 2 comes back is like you I? I'm the descendant of super jackson, and you've been alive the whole time. I was like well. They're both just you

The first one hated me, but Super Jackson 2 loves me. Give me sweet smooshes on the lips. You're doing the thing where you go into alleys and you pretend you're hugging yourself. We're kissing! You're trying to take a picture

and you're doing it with super speed, so you just time it right. See, we're boyfriends okay Jackson can Super Jackson come to the door yeah just give me five seconds sorry I you know my boyfriend was in the other room you know hello it is me Super Jackson

it's me Jackson that too can I see you both at the same time no let me just check on the fridge for some reason. I think everyone wants a beer, yeah? Yeah. I'll just go to the kitchen. Don't follow me.

Stay in the corridor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hear my boyfriend coming out of the bedroom, so you just wait there. Hey, man. Which one am I now? Can you please go? I'm dying.

Flawless. Flawless. Yeah. mine now do you please go i'm dying flawless flawless yeah or i fake super jackson's death and then at his funeral i'm like and we'll never know who he was that was already your plan no but i'm faking the superhero side's death that was your plan normal life did you forget what happened in this conversation i faked my human death. No, you faked Super Jackson's death and then you bring back Super Jackson 2. Oh, that's right. Well, then I bring back Jackson 2 after I faked my own death. There's going to be more questions for that because you're a civilian. Civilians don't come back from the dead.

Super heroes do all the time. Hey, I'm Jackson 2. And this is my boyfriend super jackson i hated jackson but i love jackson too and now a quick word from our sponsors holy shit we have such good shirts available at the moment seriously if you head to sanspantsradio.com slash shop we've got a bunch of new amazing shirts available for you to grab and wear on your filthy bodies. I personally currently own a long-sleeved black

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Uh, yeah, so those are some of my options. So you're concealing your identity by faking your own death yeah i'm faking just seeing whose death i gotta fake to make this thing you know okay i would go either first of all outfit wise sure you really need to conceal like a lot of of your face i feel but also like again kind of like body yeah well so am i ripped like a clark kent slash superman in this yeah i would assume so i assume we're all jacked yeah well so am i ripped like a clark kent slash superman in this yeah i would assume so i've seen more or jacked yeah okay so for my civilian life i'd have to wear like a body suit

underneath my oh okay to give myself a bit more of a belly like my is fat boston yeah yeah just basically being like well i need to make sure that no one can even suspect that that ripped man over there is also this dumpy sloppy rig before you so i need to make sure that i'm a dumpy sloppy boy and maybe like i don't know really compound that by just slamming like cheeseburgers 24 7 in my you gotta worry i mean like are we assuming that that won't affect super you as slowly super joel starts to look more like regular joel again this is the same thing where you're just going to end up being like, well, you just turned the super guy into the same guy as the normal guy. This is Jackson's mustache idea.

What if one of me was just smashing cheeseburgers and got real schlubby, and then when I was super... That's funny as well, because as you, Zamit, physically did get bigger from all the cheeseburgers, but you still had the fat suit on. We're like, he is huge. Well, no, because that's not how a fat suit works. Well, would it be over his weight already? Yeah, but I think a fat suit, because there's padding and stuff,

if you started putting on weight in a fat suit, that probably wouldn't really change the fat suit. No, the padding would go further out. I feel like it would just be because the fat suit's pretty... No, it'd look a bit fatter, I think. Yeah, maybe. Your head would look fatter! You'd have a fat head!

What ever fat is it? I'm just trying to think like, yeah, how much... It's the first time someone's cheeseburgers went straight to their heads. Yeah, because how much, like, what is a super bear's diet? Can he consume a lot? Should he be consuming a lot? I feel like shooting laser beams will consume a lot of calories. I mean, he gets his power from the sun so he just eats sun okay so i've got maybe the

pantomime eating food yeah so it's good to imagine i like the like you know an actor's technique when i'm eating and no one's looking i'll just spit it out pookie monster hey joel that's actually a terrible eating habit at this restaurant. That's actually rude. Also, I like that we've moved on from disguising your identity at all. I don't know what's happening anymore. Maybe then I won't just slam cheeseburgers. I'll just be the regular little dumpy boy that I am now.

So I'm a jacked Superman or Super Joel. And I wear a chunk suit. Maybe not even a fat suit. Maybe just like a slightly chunk suit. Yeah, we just need to get rid of the abs. I think it's a good idea, and this is something that in a bunch of superhero stuff, it comes up.

So I reckon you could probably take it as your own thing of like that a lot of people that have like super metabolisms don't get drunk. Yes. You could pretend to be a full-on alcoholic, just like smashing beers non-stop. That isn't actually going to fuck with your physique that much

because it's not really empty calories. So you're imagining then when I see Super Joel I'm like well that could be my friend Joel Zammett because Super Joel's not drunk right now. But then also the drinking non-stop beers or whatever and wearing a fat suit you'd be like oh I can see how he ended up like that.

But then when you're super drunk, they'll be like, well, it's not the same guy. That's a lot of effort to go through. You're kind of racking your own life. Well, I'm not really. Because it depends. Because he's not actually drunk. Because it depends how much am I being influenced by alcohol and how much am I getting influenced by poor food choices if no matter what I'm doing, I'm just going to have rippling abs.

I just think it's sad to be like, oh, my friend Jill Zammett is an out of shape alcoholic. Zammett's like, at least no one knows I'm super jolly. Yeah, but that's often what happens. It's the sacrifices you've got to make for the greater good. Peter Parker, everyone thinks he's an unreliable shithead, piece of shit, dirtbag.

People like Clark Kent. They shouldn't. But he also has super speed, so it's easy for him to do that. I assume we got super speed. Okay. We have Superman's power set. Yeah, let's say. Okay.

So I would maybe not go to that level, but basically just be like, you know, as I kind of am now, somewhat, you know, living quite a sedentary kind of lifestyle as I am. Yeah. And, you know, not being like, oh, did you go for a run? Not at all. And then I'm like, you know. you go for a run? Not at all. Are you changing your face? I feel like I'd have to shave.

I'd have to be a clean-shaven boy. Because again, if I'm wearing a mask, beard up against a mask, no good. Start a fire on your face. Yeah, if I'm going to look at Super Joel and be like, that's like an in-shape Joel Salmon. How obviously... But if there's a mask,

I wouldn't be thinking that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Also I probably grow my hair real long. And then when, um, say I'm super Joel, I can kind of like, either like tie it up or kind of have it in like a bouffant sort of style so that it looks, uh, not as, as long as it is. Basically if I can convert myself as a civilian to a bit more like a rat boy. Also like in terms of job, I figured like probably as a civilian to a bit more like a rat boy. Yeah. All right. Also, in terms of job, I figure probably try and get a job that is either unskilled labor or doesn't require too much attention on me. Yeah, yeah.

Definitely not get one in the media. I'm not going to become a journalist. No, no, no, no, no. Because that has like, oh, this article written by this particular journalist. There's a way of tracing it back to that person. Plus, in this day and age, if you are a journalist, you need to have social media and all that kind of stuff. And no, thank you.

But I also need a job that I think you can be around the community, around where you are patrolling. That's not going to be seen as garbage movement. I was thinking garbage movement. That was going to be my go-to. That's clever. So I was thinking, movement. That was going to be my go-to. That's clever. You're up early. With my super speed and

my x-ray vision and all of that, I can kind of do that pretty easy. Plus strength, easily just chuck those... Yeah, because unfortunately I don't think super speed affects the speed at which the car travels. Well, no. Quick on the accelerator. Quick on all the,

grabbing all the garbage. Again. Are you going to smell like garbage? Oh, heaps. I mean, you can shower. Well, yeah, I suppose. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, I just didn't know how quickly, because the way Zammert was describing it was like he's a garbageman so that if he sees a crime. Well, I'm patrolling the area because again,

I'm- Do you have a quick shower before you save the people from the burning building? Well, it doesn't matter I don't think I reckon if someone was well I mean also

garbage man what do you think they'd do with the garbage well I know they'd throw it in the truck yeah it's still gonna be a bit stinky right

well I'll wear I don't know I'll have probably not I mean yeah if they wash their hands they should be right alright well that's fair

it will be like a scent yeah you're just working with trash that's all I'm thinking the garbage truck scent. Yeah, you just work it with trash. That's all I'm thinking. The garbage truck is probably not like completely sealed. Yeah, it probably doesn't smell delicious. So yeah, you are going to have a bit of a scent, but don't worry. I guess I could have some wet ones in the car or something.

I don't know. Spray deodorant. Some spray deodorant. Also, I'm running into a burning building. Chances are I'm going to be smelling like fire. Well, yeah. You're going to burn off the garbage smelling. That's true.

Mostly just like, oh, you know, hey, you smell like smoke. In fact, everything smells like smoke because I think I have smoke inhalation and I might be dying. Can you please help me, Super Joe? I don't know even why I brought this up. I don't even know why I'm saying what you smell like. It seems irrelevant to my safety. With x-ray vision, I can check on people's trash, do a bit of snooping. Oh, yeah.

There's guns and bullets in this trash. See if anyone's, I don't know, dead bodies or some shit, or just spy on my neighbors. Our fucking guns and bullets man lives here. He's our villain. And also, it's actually probably really good if you are just x-ray visioning people. You can end up really just snooping on your community.

Not great in terms of privacy but it's trash and that becomes public property it's cool that there's heaps of used johnnies in here they're fucked my neighbors are fucking heaps that's sick i'm glad you'd be safe in the city no no no no i'm just rating every house and how much they're fucking not a single condom in this bin someone give me my balaclava how quick does my beard grow well the same length as a regular humans i would imagine your call i guess yeah actually not super super quick i don't know what do you want me to say i don't know i'm just like wondering does it because like you know i keep it a little bit stubbly yeah i'm um you know as as by uh you

know as a garbage but then yeah as as a super joel i'd shave it yeah yeah that's clever there's like stuff like stuff you can kind of do i think i'm just sort that out and it's just because the thing that you're kind of combating with the shaving thing is not your identity but your own personal comfort yeah again and this is something that hasn't come up for a while joel duches that's me yes joel zam yeah like this comp the idea of discomfort death is significantly better I understand yes personally me yes death or discomfort every single time

but I'm a superhero and these are the kind of sacrifices you have to make you've sacrificed your whole damn life that's what I totally understand you can just leave the stubble because you're wearing a mask so just take the mask off don't worry about shaving.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you also probably don't need to grow your hair long because. Oh, yeah, good point. But I was just thinking because like if I have my hair a bit long and a bit like greasy as I wear, like don't shower as often in terms of, you know, like wash my hair as often. Yeah. Because people see like me in the streets,

they're going to be like, oh, well, then they're going to notice because they're like, oh, whatever, he's got greasy hair. No superhero's got greasy hair. And then are you going to have, I guess you've got a mask on. And then if I've got a mask on, it doesn't really matter. Yeah. Yeah.

It's kind of just making my civilian life unassuming. You're kind of taking the Clark Kent hunched over, bad posture thing. But good. In a smart way, because you've added a mask. Yeah. Which, I mean, obviously the mask can probably do you good. But you're taking those steps so good on you. God bless.

Again, because no one's really going to be like, and plus also, if I'm working the early shifts, that's what garbage people work for. Am I really partaking much in terms of civilian life? In many ways, a lot of it seems unnecessary. I'll be tight.

I mean, you could just, yeah. I mean, you don't need to be, you could have a shower every once in a while. It could probably be all right. I'm just saying, again, like people don't want. Probably be a postie. You don't have to be a garbage person. I could be a postie. Actually, a postie probably makes more sense.

It just seems nicer. I get a car. Yeah. Or a motorbike. Yeah. I don't know if that's a common thing, but in Australia, posties ride motorbikes. Yeah, it's sick as hell. Also, but in Australia, posties ride motorbikes. Yeah, it's sick as hell. Also, we call it our post office.

Post offices? Our post people? Post people. Yeah. Post offices. What am I even saying? I don't know, dude. Yeah, we give them motorbikes.

That's cool. Yeah. I just think a nice, cushy government job. Yeah. Like a municipal job, working for a local government, seems like a pretty decent way to do it. Yeah, that's fair.

That's fair. That's fair. Making your civilian life a bit boring, unassassuming no one's really going to question it what do you do for a living oh i garbage i pick up trash yeah that's what i do okay early shifts yeah what about when you need to go out and fight crime like do you just leave the garbage truck there well i mean who's what crime is happening at like 4 in the morning? No crime famously happens at 4am. I'll move that.

Crimes are 9 to 5 crime. What crime is happening at 6am? Murders. Probably robberies. A lot of places. Well, if I'm speedy. Yeah, I guess. Ah, he's just a bit sick today.

Call in sick. I mean, you might as well, just with this whole way of doing it, you might as well just become a hermit, because you're stepping out of regular civilized life anyway. Live under a fucking bridge. Whatever, dude. Just live under a bridge and wallow in your own filth. No one can know who you are if they don't know you.

That's true. I mean, this is just basically, well, hey, fake your own death. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or why don't you become a recluse? Yeah, yeah fake your own dad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or what about you become a recluse? Yeah, yeah. Boo Radley. Yeah, yeah. Don't make like, because again, look, you're right.

I am very much death before discomfort. I'm very comfortable. Just go move to the beach, live by yourself on a hill or something. Exactly. No, yeah. Like, go to a beachside, like, town. Yeah. Either find a holiday house that no one's living in.

Set up shop there. I have a super hearing. I'll know when they're coming. You don't need to eat. You just need to sunbathe every now and then. I'll just jump from one beach house to the other and live life on a sweet beach. Sounds good. I'm not really fighting crime anymore.

You're relaxing. You deserve a holiday. The goal of this was not to fight crime, but to conceal your secret identity. You've relaxed. You deserve a holiday. The goal of this was not to solve fight crime but to conceal your secret identity. You've done it.

Because again you never said superhero I could just be that who's that piece of shit who keeps living in our beach houses? Who's that guy squatting?

And that whole beach side community could be like who's this fucker? Off the grid. Big time off the grid. Yeah, that's clever. And then if I wanted to, just to kind of get away from everybody,

fly up real high above the clouds and lie down and soak up them sun. That's clever. And then become super powered, I believe. Like moving further. Then go back down into the house. Cook some eggs. But quick. Yeah.

And then what am I doing with my life that's good maybe just go for a swim go to the zoo yeah so far we've got Jackson I'm not

look whatever you tried well done and Joel Zahm being like make sure the clock can't approach

but more extreme you guys you're approaching this all wrong best way to hide your secret identity is as a superhero be a total freak. Because then if you're just a regular guy, no one's like

that's the same guy because the superhero's a total freak. I'm talking like my superhero costume just being like me dipped in blue paint. But, and you know how like... How is he always wet? But he looks like my good friend John Dushan, just blue.

I'm the, man! Do we need to call someone? What? His dick's out and it's blue like Dr. Manhattan. I don't know. I'll be fucking wearing... I'll wear like clothes, but... Maybe like a bodysuit, but I'm going to be...

So you wear a cloth? All right. What kind of a cloth? Okay. So let's just say I'm wearing like a... Okay. What's your superhero outfit? Let's just imagine a blue morph suit,

but I'm also dipped in blue paint. Is he drinking the paint as well as dipping himself in it? He just wore the blue morph suit. You know, my morph suit's actually pretty good for a superhero. No, but if you're dipped in paint, it leaves footprints for a freak. That is true. But, like, because I'm still saving crime,

I'm going to be hated, so who cares? But, you know how, like, in... And I don't think you haven't seen it, Jackson, but it happens in the comic too. I'm pretty sure. But in Invincible, I don't know if I need to say spoilers for Invincible, but I'm gonna Justin, leave me alone. Spoilers for Invincible. When Omni-Man has come out to be like a piece of shit and he gives up on humanity, he's

just like floating everywhere. Now imagine if me as a superhero is just traveling upside down, but just in the air. Upside down? Maximum freak mode! Upside down and maybe arms just like a kimbo. Like legs dangling

down like they're still affected by gravity. But I'm upside down. Just ass in the air. No, no, no, but the blue paint that you've dipped yourself in like they're still affected by gravity. But I'm upside down. Just ass in the air. Yeah. Okay. No, no, no, but- But the blue paint that you've dipped yourself in is now going into your nose and mouth.

Yeah, you're- Waterboarding yourself with blue paint. Wow, there goes our city's blue defender, Joelman. But have you ever seen like seen something like, sometimes it happens like if, I mean, this is a bad thing because I'm a superhero, presumably good, but you know in movies, like, someone's possessed or like they're fucked up and they're flying, but

they fly like wrong. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's you. But I'm upside down, so it's just like, again, everyone's like that can't be the same guy, because that is a fucked up freak. He's a full freak superhero. He's a full freak superhero. You've gone full freak superhero. Good on you.

And then it's a regular guy. And then what's your regular guy approach? Just me, like exactly the same. Okay, so you're still working in kind of media. Yeah, who cares? Yeah, what about, so talk me through the quick change. What's necessary? Paint?

No, but you're back. Yeah. So you're in the middle of an episode of Probably the Death Star. Your crime bracelet goes off. There's a crime the middle of an episode of Probably the Death Star. Your crime bracelet goes off. There's a crime happening. You're like, give me five seconds. Boys, I'm going to take a shit. You go to the Joel cave, okay,

which is just a big dump of flu paint. Dip yourself in it. Float to the crime scene. Stop the robbery. Yep. Terrifying. Can I just say? Fly straight into the sea.

Pop back out. Land as a regular guy. The sea of course has many paint-shifting abilities. How do you think paint works? Maybe you're gonna- Sit back down wet and still very obviously blue? Sorry about that, big shit! What about-

Do you want to win? I've been trying not to bring this up, but you- I know your job. You're the blue defender. I can't be. He's a full-on freak, and I'm a regular guy. He's you upside down. I honestly think upside-down travel will be enough to throw people. I like your idea, but I think it's about changing your silhouette.

So upside-down's clever, but what about if I can somehow make myself in a big wheel okay so it's like a big wheel that i get in like like you know flat inside and i just roll around the city people don't even think i'm a guy they just think i'm a big wheel that hates crying yeah well that's that was pretty much my approach it's like oh this is an evil specter i guess that's the devil come to new york yeah but with the devil let's come to Yeah But he's But with the devil That's come to New York Well you could

Easily do it again Once again Like Take us all like Off track Of like That can't be JD Yeah

Is I wish you Like Try to Talk kind of Almost like You are a man From out of space

Because we could be like Oh right They're just an alien Well I would imagine Just screaming or whatever He's just an alien. He just screams. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So if that's like, is he helping? We don't know. How do we know you're a dungeon? Because I stop crime. You just see me do it. He stops crime, shoots laser beams out of his eyes, cold breath, and screams. Actually. You know what? crime, shoots laser beams out of his eyes, cold breath, and screams. Actually, you know what? I think this is like,

okay, disregard the blue paint, because I think the blue paint, as much as you love it, I just don't think... I just like because it would make me look fucked. It would make you drippy. Yeah. That was the part I wanted. I think if you could just dunk yourself into, say, like, water beforehand, and maybe over your blue morph suit, have like, a really long wig.

Oh, yeah. Like, kind of like, is it Samara from The Ring? Yeah. Yeah, like that. And then, like, well, you're super powered, right? Yeah. You just staple it to your skull. So just clunk, clunk, clunk with a staple gun.

You're fine. That's not going to hurt you. Yeah, whatever. It'll probably, it might be like. Red blood mixing with the blue paint and dripping down onto the pavement as you move through the should we help him it's not going into his head cause he's invulnerable

I thought it would've worked I thought he was the morph suit so clunk clunk clunk into the morph suit you're fine I don't even need to dip myself into blue paint I just wear like a full on blue morphs. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Blue morphs. So we, uh, a wig that you've just like, yeah. I'm upside down. It's hanging on by the staples.

We can clearly see it's stapled. And if we look too close, that's even crazy. I think you're a fucking ghoul. And I'm like, it's a ghoul in a wig. What? Exactly. What does that mean? Well, you're not thinking that's Joel And I'm like, it's a ghoul in a wig. What? The fuck does that mean?

Well, you're not thinking that's Joel Dush, right? You got 150,000 questions before you get to it. I wonder who that secret identity is. How's this? All right, can you get

almost like a prosthetic that you can wear over your feet so it looks like hands? Oh, yeah, that's good. So you can wear even just gloves or something like that. Oh, I know. So what you want to do is

rubber dish gloves that you wear to wash up. Put them over your feet so when you're upside down, it looks like you've got some floppy hands. Maybe it's a super-powered chimpanzee. And then if you kind of maybe draw just some eyes on your thumb. Oh, I see what you're saying. So that it looks like

he's the right way up. A full-on alien. Everyone like, what is this freak yeah and then when he starts screaming from i guess from out perspective his genitals using your superpowers you can talk your penis into a little mouth because he's upside down yeah that's what i. But his penis would be at head height. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So use your super ventriloquist-y skills. No, but then I'm like, that's obviously a balls and dick. He had me going for a bit. But I know this is just a guy pretending to be a freak.

Because that's a normal balls and dick. Again, because if you're wearing a morph suit, you just stuff everything there. So it looks like a shape of a big head or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah You could like fuck with this You could be a big freak And everyone's like I don't know what that is

And also maybe every now and then I just change my form entirely Come in sideways Okay Make different shapes I think if you're just screaming To be perfectly honest I think like that's the element

Yeah If I hear say Superman talk And then I hear Clark Kent talk Yeah, exactly But if I hear a man screaming If you hear hey welcome to this week's episode of Pommel Duster

I'm like I don't know that fucking guy I don't know that fucking guy yeah yeah yeah yeah I would really love to see you know that classic Superman somebody's on the ledge

of a building about to jump and Superman talks him down I'd love to see Super Joel just floating up there okay I'll stop you might need a voice modulator, though, for your scream. I don't know if I can tell Dusha's screams from the Blue Defenders screams.

I think you could. I think after a while, like, I think if you... I think the biggest giveaway would be when I come back to the studio, I'm like... Sorry. Hey, everyone. How did you lose your voice while shitting? Straining.

Oh, yeah. Oh, you couldn't hear me. That's good, because I was screaming. How did you lose your voice while shitting? Straining. Oh, you couldn't hear me. That's good. Because I was screaming. Shitting big time. Big shits, bigger screams. Okay.

Stop going on about it. Guys, sorry. Just let me quickly clarify how big this shit I took was. You will not believe it. It was almost like I ate a big bowl of dog shit. Yeah. And that's what I was shitting. Like, it was such a big shit that it looked like that my diet was simply consisted of other shits. I'd shit a culmination of a big shit.

And then I've checked. I don't want to listen to this. There's minute thoughts of whether or not you are super joll. Go on. Out of my head. We should stop talking about the shit he ate. Yeah, I really don't like this. That sucks.

I don't want to be friends with him anymore. Yeah. Another day where I got away with it. Yeah, just make your superhero a freak and no one will figure it out. Yeah, I think the best option would be a combination of all this, where you make your superhero identity a freak, you make your civilian entity very much just like nonchalant no one worries about it, don't look at me, etc

and I don't know what I can get from you Jack fake your own death don't make a fake relationship with yourself this is my boyfriend that blew the fund up how's that work? what are you saying? so yeah, once again I think the combination

of the two Joel's ideas Probably you got Something good there They just ignore you But yeah Another thing that superheroes do Is that like Like Spider-Man for instance He's like cool

Suave And then MJ falls in love With Spider-Man And not Peter Parker Yeah No one's falling in love With the freak And no one's falling in love

With the civilian We will die loveless And that's probably The best way to Prevent any kind of like villains attacking alternatively as a superhero just as a civilian be the worst guy and they're like my name is joel doucher i'm the worst guy in regular life so do your worst loved ones hunt them down good luck yeah no secret identity but still two identities yeah i, I'm Joel. I'm Super Joel. Yeah, encourage it.

Go on. Kill my grandma. See if I care. I'll hate her. She hates me more. If anything, death will probably calm her down. Yeah. It'd be nice. Yeah, yeah. Dig her up and then fight her again. That'd be good. And when the Green Goblin throws a pumpkin bomb at her and blows her up, you're like, yes!

Thanks, dude. We should team up. Yeah, exactly. He throws a pumpkin bomb at you, you look at that, it's gonna miss my grandma, you grab it, put it in her hands, step back a bit. I don't know what I'm being part of here. You're a murderer, Green Goblin! I'm gonna put you in the dirt! You did that!

I'm gonna kill you, Green Goblin! I'm gonna break your neck! I might go. No, no, no, come here! Come here, I'm gonna break your neck! What do you God. No, no, no. Come here. Come here. I'm going to break your neck. What do you do with your feet? I'm the blue defender and I will break crime's neck. Are you speaking now? I don't know if I like this guy.

I don't know if I like living in this city anymore. That's what the voice modulator says. Oh, so you're like... Hi, I am the blue defender. Is that underneath the screams? I will break your neck. I would maybe think that, yeah, this is a chimpanzee. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That would be my thought. I said he's defended by a chimpanzee. A magic one, but yeah, a chimpanzee. A magic one that loves breaking necks. And killing grandmas. It seems like a lot of what we did was really sacrificing any level of civilian life we could have. We threw that out the window.

But that's okay. Our old jobs no longer exist. I guess how would you protect your secret identity if you don't have one? Yeah, exactly. Don't worry about it. Abandon. Forget all that was before whenever you got your powers. Either just don't become a superhero. Don't worry about it. Yeah, abandon. Forget all that was before whenever you got your powers. Either just

don't become a superhero. It seems like a hassle. Or use your powers to have a leisurely life at the beach. Alternatively, just be good at being a superhero and protect your loved ones. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I'm a large Spider-Man. Don't worry about crime. Just make sure you're on made-up.

Be better. Everything about that gets shot be better everything about that just be better at your job get good you've got two people you care about basically MJ and Aunt May you reckon you can save all of New York City

but you can't protect two people an old woman and your wife come on you know what's easy hey Peter Parker look I know you are friends

with Tony Stark but you've been known to even build your own suits that are basically mechs just jam Aunt May and Mary Jane in two separate mechs. Done. Go to the shop.

Buy Aunt May a knife and a gun. Except Aunt May's going to go soon. Exactly. That's also true. She's old. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? That'll do you.

Exactly. Or find Aunt May a boyfriend that can protect her like Doc Ock, but instead, Peter Parker, you got your little panties in a bunch and was like, oh, no, my villain's marrying my aunt. I've got to change my fucking identity. I'm a big loser. I mean, yes, he was trying to scam her out of life insurance or whatever, but still, that's not the point.

He would have met a great lover. Are you saying Doc Ock's plan was to scam up out-of-life insurance? Yeah. That's such a low-level cry. Yeah. Yeah, if that happens. Yeah, that's just like a thing regular criminals don't need octopus arms for it. If anything, the octopus arms probably make that harder.

Yeah. You'd confuse everyone and be like, why is that man having a baby? I know I'm confused. Yeah, me too. Yeah. Fuck Ock. Email in. Let us know.

What were you thinking? Well, nobody knows who we are, so I think we did a good job. Yeah, we nailed it. Another job well done. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've also been Joel. Superheroes, email in. Let us know if you need a hand we've got it

it's easy we will set up a wonderful consulting agency just for you guys we'll keep your secret entity secret but we'll tell you what to do

and how to best achieve your goal of keeping that entity secret and super villains if you are also listening if you just want to email us in

give it a couple months and we will happily email you that list yeah it's easy. Cash only. I love ghouls and ghosts. I unironically believe in Sasquatch. I spend too much time reading about unsolved crime,

and I've got no podcast where I can discuss any of this. Oh, wait, shit, yes, I do. If you head to sanspantsradio.com forward slash plus for as little as five buckaroonies a month, you gain access to Jackson Bailey's Spooks America, the show where I try to explain an unsolved mystery or a monster sighting or a ghost story or whatever to the rest of Sans Pants Radio who do not care or listen.

Once again, that's sandspantsradio.com forward slash plus to gain access to Jackson Bailey's Spooks America today.