Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Improve Hawkeye?

Episode Date: February 3, 2019

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So here at Plumbing the Death Star, we have famously spoken a lot of shit about the worst Avenger. Uh-huh. And with Endgame and Hawkeye finally doing things... Yeah, finally he's got... He's got a sword now. Burnley's seen a trailer.

I was trying to keep it subtle, but Avengers Endgame has not come out, but he has a sword in the trailer. So presumably he's doing something. He's improved himself. He's got something going on. Great. Yeah.

Okay. Look. Yep. So, look, you're always coming out as being like, nah, he's good. In Age of Ultron, he does some stuff where I was like, shut up. He sucks. Yes. But we've spoken a big game,

but how do we actually make him better? What is our improved Hawkeye so that we can be like, look, see, actual Hawkeye sucks because Hawkeye could be so much more. He could look at the potential of Hawkeye. The Hawkeye potential. Yeah.

Again, because Hawkeye, when you boil it down, he's a good marksman. He's very good at aiming, but he's unfortunately encased in a sack of meat. And that's not great. Because he's coming up against things like the Hulk, aliens,

a robot, which... Robots, famously, not sacks of meat. You know what? Like us gross humans. Put against meat, metal. Meat's enemy. So you know what would be great? We encase that meat in some metal Give him an Iron Man suit

Stark, stop being a piece of shit and share Well, you gave one to War Machine Just give one to the Hawkeye War Machine took it That's the weirdest part of those movies It's real weird that War Machine just got An Iron Man suit and they never had a discussion Where Tony Stark was like

I actually said you couldn't have that He was like, hey, give that back. Like, what the heck? Guess what I want. Imagine Endgame. I mean, you've done some sweet mods to it, but give us back. I hope that, um, so in the trailer for Endgame, obviously we see Tony Stark in space. Spoilers for

the trailer if you fucking care about that, you idiots. Um, we see Tony Stark in space and he's like, I'm dying and he's talking to an iron man how but i hope that in the actual film he's like hey pepper uh can you press that self-destruct button to destroy roadie's suit thank you thanks hey i can send you you know like nebulous like you can send one more message it's like yeah call call what's his name roads hey i never said you could have the suit!

Self-destruct imminent now! But yeah, so Hawkeye, either give him a suit, or Hawkeye, mate, steal a suit. You're pretty good. I would be annoyed were I on the Avengers if there were three Iron Mans. Two's already too many. Two's already heaps!

Yeah, but he's good at aiming. If I was an agent of S.H.I. Two's already too many. Two's already heaps. Yeah, but he's, like, good at aiming. If I was an agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. Although, that said, he was like, Hawkeye's good at aiming. So you've got, like, say, an Iron Man suit, but the Iron Man suit does all the aiming for you. Yeah. You might be like, sick, I can, oh, it does it for me. Ah, Tone, you got this on easy mode.

You piece of shit. Here I am, bow in hand, having to do all the huge arc. Aim myself. You've made a machine that does it. You actually have no skill. This sucks. In Tony's defense, well, not in Tony's defense, but I guess what Hawkeye would find is probably the same thing

that Tony Stark's find is that his suit auto-aims and does everything, but the first thing that always happens in a fight is someone kicks him in the head and it breaks. Ah, true. Tony Stark's armor, it seems to have the shock absorption wired into the core of the machine. You just need to kick him in the leg

and he's like, system's down. Overheated. And Hawkeye is very good at getting smacked in the face. Yeah, he gets hit in the head and then cures his brain problems I'm wondering In the first Avengers Yeah, that's true I'm wondering if there's a way we can make it

So that he becomes a bow and arrow Through Iron Man armor Okay You know what I mean? So you kind of want to Show you're working You kind of want like a What do you call them?

Like a Voltron situation Yeah Where instead of them turning into like a or a car, it's a bow. I just think you've got to keep it. He turns into a bow and Tony uses him? Is that what you're trying to suggest? I guess I just think you've just got to keep your theming the same. Because he's just a new Iron Man if he's in an Iron Man suit.

Iron Man suit, but he has a bow. He'd be like Iron Sniper or something. Yeah. He has a bow. Yeah, I guess. That can fire a projectile arrow. Yes, I suppose. Or, give him a sniper. Actually, fuck off the Iron Man suit.

You're right, Dusha. Give him a sniper rifle. Same thing, but further. Same thing, but further away use a gun that's basically that's hard to do because he he has turned down guns before in fact he first seen you ever see hawkeye the mcu is a hand reaching for a gun and then being like and then grabbing a bow instead but that means that's his introduction he's used guns in the past terrible it's atrocious it's also because he's used guns in the past and also decided that guns are a good idea but then was like bow and arrow

against the god boy yeah maybe he's a bow and arrow this time around maybe just he's like he's or he's just come off like a ren fair where he's like this will impress the lads it's weird to think it's kind of in that scene imagine that someone's been like, hey, Hawkeye, please don't use a bow and arrow for this. He's Thor. And Hawkeye's like, I won't, I won't, I won't. I'll use guns. Sike. Sike using a bow and arrow.

What did I grab? I'm looking at my bow. Silly me. I forgot you told me not to use a bow and arrow. Because I'm using a bow again. Yeah, okay. So an Iron Man suit, I guess, is a good idea. I mean, he's protected now, but he's still just firing a bow and arrow yeah okay so an iron man suit i guess is a good idea i mean he's protected now but he's still just firing a bow and arrow or is it like an iron man bow and arrow again an iron

man bow and arrow will be all right so he's basically just tony stark now which is significantly less useless than hawkeye but just as annoying yeah good point good point too much metal frankly yeah which is okay what are we trying to improve? How are we trying to make him less useful? More useful. Yeah. Less annoying. I would like it to currently say I'm a villain and I'm fighting the Avengers.

Every single Avenger bar maybe Black Widow and Hawkeye, I'm stressed to meet. Yes. I meet those two and I'm like, well, they're just guys. Like, I'm just not ever concerned could we inject him with say some uh like super soldier serum what if you just took a bit from everyone yeah chip a bit off myonia but it feels weird to say myonia chip a bit of myonia put that on the tip of one of his arrows yeah because, because that's easy to lose. Although imagine, because you couldn't get that out. Yeah, that's true.

Also, you would have to be worthy for that to happen, and he's not. No, but if it's on the arrow, it's probably fine, right? Because he's lifting up the shaft of the... So you're saying if Thor's hammer is on a piece of paper and I pick up the piece of paper, it's fine. What about... Hang on, just speaking of Thor's hammer. Say I piece of paper and I pick up the piece of paper. It's fine. What about, hang on, just speaking of Thor's hammer, say I made Mjolnir bullets. Yeah.

And then I had Thor feed them into a gun. Could I fire the gun? Can you throw Mjolnir? No. Yeah, you can't fire. You wouldn't be able to pick up the gun. Wouldn't my gun just explode as it tries to fire? You wouldn't be able to pick it up.

You wouldn't be able to pick it up. However, if you place it on a table aiming forward and then you pull the trigger The gun just wouldn't click across. Why not? Because the gun probably can't fire the bullets. That's what I mean. The mechanism would just hit the bullet and not

send it anywhere. Why not? If you got a pull cue and you poked the hammer. You making making bullets out of yeah they don't move so it doesn't matter you just break your gun you could you fire the gun back all right what if i get a gun that's worthy well then you can't pick it up because you're not worthy but then i can use the um no no because you're not you're going to pull the trigger nothing a lot you won't be able to pull the trigger yeah you'll be too stiff because you're not worthy. You'll go to pull the trigger, nothing will happen. You won't be able to pull the trigger. The trigger will be too stiff.

Because you're not worthy. Thor will be able to glock people like a motherfucker. If Thor made... If he got it real thin and made a paper plane... No, because you're not worthy. No, but could Thor... Or would it just be like... Yeah, Thor can use it.

Say we could throw his hammer. Okay, look. I'm going to... Look, it's not. I'm just going to break it down for you. Okay. If Thor is doing it, yes. Yeah.

If not Thor is doing it, no. Okay, one last question. Is Thor doing it? Hang on. Thor could huck the... Paper plane. Paper plane, yes. Yeah, okay.

You know what I mean? That, I realize why that doesn't make sense, but help me with this. All right. So we got a ramp. Yes. Steep ramp. Yes.

Thor, we've made his hammer into a cylinder. Yeah. Would it roll? Yes. Okay, so- Wait, a cylinder? Maybe not. He could roll it, yes.

Okay. But- It would stop naturally also, yes. Yes. And then you wouldn't be able to push it, no. No. All right. Okay, I'm be able to push it, no. No. All right. Okay.

I'm with it. I understand Thor's hammer now. It also, I guess gravity also affects Thor's hammer. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I was kind of wondering. If Thor picked up his hammer and let it go over a chasm or an earth gate, as I like to

call them. Yes. It would fall to the bottom of that gate. Yes. Absolutely. Yes. So same thing if it was a cylinder and it would roll. It would them. Yes. It would fall to the bottom of that gate. Yes, absolutely. Yes. So same thing if it was a cylinder and it would roll. It would roll.

Yeah. It would roll. Cool, cool. Because I guess I would have to put it there. Okay, new question. Oh, wait. Yes. It would roll, but it might not be able to stop.

No, it would stop. Okay, so what if I have my hands above the ramp? Yeah. Thor puts the cylinder in my hands.'m like and then i let go it still rolls it still rolls so it's affected by gravity yeah even if thor's not involved yes well thor is involved because he's lifting it but yes it's like an immovable object it's like you can put thor's hammer on a table but then if you break the table legs the hammer doesn't just float there the hammer falls yeah okay all right cool Ah, cool, now I understand

what was that one. That shouldn't have been the thing that made you understand that hammer. Finally there. Because if it was on an incline it would roll around, but it would be rolling around doing what the ball wants, slash the outside forces like gravity and

everything else, but you couldn't stop it and direct it. Absolutely. But if you got in the way of it, it might hit you. Would it sink a boat? Mate, how big is this fucking... Wait, the hammer? Yeah. No. A little boat.

Like a rowboat. Can that... Okay, could that rowboat support the weight of a hammer that size? A normal hammer, yes. It's not dense. It's just magic. It's just magic, that's true. Now I understand Thor's hammer. If Thor had picked it up

Now I understand Thor's hammer. from a great height and hucked out a boat so it made a hole in the boat but if you place it gently it wouldn't sink the boat. It's kind of like how when he places it on Loki's chest it doesn't kill him. He just can't move how when he places it on Loki's chest, it doesn't kill him. He just can't move. He's just like

crushed through Loki's chest. But Loki is a god. Um, anyway. It's on the glass table in the fucking Avengers 2, isn't it? Yeah, maybe. So, okay, if we could like Avengerify Hawkeye a little bit. Yeah. Cause he's a little bit of gamma radiation. Mix that with a little bit of

super soldier serum. Yeah. Uh, he can't, okay, Thor, give him a cape. Yeah. Because a little bit of gamma radiation, mix that with a little bit of super soldier serum. Yeah. Well, he can't... Okay, Thor. Give him a cape. Yeah. That's a twofer. Thor and Vision. That's the powers of the cape. Because he could probably have a shield like Captain America. Yeah. If he has a super serum, yes. If he does now, probably not as well. It's a heavy shield.

He could aim it. He could aim it, yes. Yeah, but it's a heavy shield. It's made from vibranium which is actually quite light. Oh. Yeah, but it's a heavy shield. It's made from vibranium, which is actually quite light. Oh, well then it's not impressive that Captain America can do it. He can just do it quite accurately, which Hawkeye could probably do now. And he could do it accurately, but he probably couldn't throw it as hard as Captain America, so it probably wouldn't hurt people as much. But his vibranium's just light.

Yeah, but... It's not that light. Not light enough that anyone can pick it up. Can a child? No, no, no. It's basically magic metal. It's not the picking. Not light enough that anyone can pick it up. Can a child? No, no, no. It's basically magic metal. It's not the picking up that's the issue. It's like if I'm holding like a ball and I throw it at you just with no effort and it hits you, you're just like, ugh.

But if I wind up and piff it at you, it will hurt. Is piff a string in slang? Maybe. I feel like Hawkeye. Yeet. Yeet it at you. But if Hawkeye could yeet a good shield, maybe not as well as...

Captain America throws it from, like he's on a boat and he throws it to an upper deck and basically kills a guy. Hawkeye would have the normal human... How about this? We give him... It's sad it doesn't frisbee back to Captain America more often. How about this then? Rather than giving him a whole Iron Man

suit, we just give him an Iron Man hand or arm to improve his hucking. Oh, okay. Then we get him another shield and then he can

huck that shield and then he's just as basically only slightly less useless than Captain America. Yeah. And then rather than

calling him Hawkeye, we just call him the Huckerucker but isn't captain america's benefit not just his shield yeah he's strong as well i know and clever his hand is and handsome it's not like oh man captain america captain america's like i've lost my ability to throw my shield people will be like you, you're worthless. I know. I could cut off his arms. Yeah, not that useful. Yeah, I'm not, I mean, I'm just trying

to make him a little bit more useful and like being able to huck Captain America's or a shield like Captain America with potentially more is he more accurate than Cap? Yeah, he's a bit more accurate, but also like you can't just steal a guy's fucking thing. I reckon get him other stuff to huck.

Spears or whatever. Arrows. Throw arrows. I just... Because the thing... Look, if I see a guy with a bow, I'm like, he's going to bow and arrow me. But if I see a man with a solitary Iron Man hand... Yeah.

And a rock. And a rock or some spears, I'm like, what's he up to? Ah, he hucked it at me. I to I think surely the aim of improving Hawkeye Should be that currently there's no problem Hawkeye can solve that another Avenger couldn't solve By themselves Hawkeye can do nothing alone

He's just there to like be included By giving him one Iron Man arm Or you still have the same thing Where like Iron Man can still do. I know, but you were talking about, I'm trying to just solve the problems as they sort of come. You're trying to create like the ultimate Avenger, but Hawkeye is not that, like Hulk or Thor is already that guy.

I know, you're like, you're starting at a base level of negative 100. You start with Thor, give Thor an outfit of Tony Stark. If you give Thor an Iron Man hand already a million times better than Hawkeye. I think what we need to do is we need to steer further away from like, look, the Iron Man suit, it's a pretty good idea, but we already got two fucking guys that do that. Exactly. You give him a super soldier serum or the Hulk juice,

suddenly he's just like, oh, great, you got more people that punch good. Yeah. Hang on. What if we got the Hulk juice and pumped it into his brain? Make his brain strong. We've already got two clever boys as well. The moment he gets angry, he has an aneurysm. Yeah, it's not about being clever.

His brain is now strong. His brain gets strong now when he's angry. I don't think a brain should get big quick. I think he dies. I think you just killed him. What's that coming out of your eyes, ears, nose and mouth? Oh, it's your brain. Oh, no.

Did you just get angry? You're dead. You won't like me when I'm angry because I will die. That will be on you. With his last dying angry breath, he blames us for making him mad. I am useful. This is your fault. Please don't make it.

It's not like, don't make me angry. It's please don't make me angry. I will die. I will die if I'm angry. So I think you're on the right point of like, we need to do something that's unique. Yeah. But also bring something else to the table. Make something that will make people not want to fight Hawkeye

and I think the simple answer is just to give him a separate set of arms where? directly underneath his first set sort of like Goro from Mortal Kombat so we're talking human hands or are you talking like well we can't I don't know how we do that well we created a fucking guy

surely it would be easy just to get metal arms and just hook them on there it won't have the dexterousness surely it would be easy just to get metal arms and just hook them on there No no no It won't have the dexterousness No it's just Feedback I don't want to create no android motherfucker I want pure human

We've got enough fucking robot blokes running around Alright alright alright Whose hands are we getting? Arms are we getting? I don't know just a guy A stranger's Yeah a man that works at shield that's not using them very well That guy that was playing video games when the Avengers were there.

Cut off his arm. Cut off. And grafted onto Hawkeye. So, okay, I like where you're going, JD, but I have to point out that now he just has two bows. Yes, so he can shoot arrows twice as fast. He can climb walls better because he has four arms. Yes.

But now he's got the extra weight of two arms. Yeah, but now he's got the strength of twice the amount of arms. How strong is he normally? Well, pretty strong. He can do fucking chin-ups, I'm sure. He can do twice as many on a wall. Does he have an extra pair of biceps? Yeah.

The human body should not have just an extra pair of arms. No, it's not just straight-out arms. Yeah, but you need muscles. But you need other muscles and skeletal systems involved. You need a socket joint. Where's the other socket joint? All of this is attached. He doesn't have shoulders anymore.

I've got to draw a skeleton. He's got two sets of shoulders. Okay, so hang on. So he's got ribs. Where is the second? Okay, ribs. You've got your shoulder blades there. Yeah, then another set. Ribs. You got your shoulder blades there. Yeah.

Then another set directly underneath it. Another set of shoulder blades here. Yeah. So he's got more traps. He's got four packs. Yes. Four packs. Four traps.

Okay. Cool. Okay. He's a monster. Yeah. How are we doing this? Science. We created fucking vision.

We can create a man with four arms. Yeah, but he's a robot. No, but he's got bloke in him. But his body is a robot. We've got nanotechnology. Anything's possible. Anything's possible in the world of Avengers. That's the tagline of the Avengers series.

Spider-Man's there. He got bitten by a spider, and he becomes a spider, so we get a stranger's arm and we graft them onto Hawkeye. And then we get a spider. I see where you're going with this. No, I'm just trying to be like, alright, okay, look, I just, how do we

We fucking have a box, like, there's so many things in the Avengers movies that could... Okay, hang on, my next question would be, alright, that's cool, we do this to Hawkeye. Like, there's so many things in the Avengers movies that could... Okay, hang on. My next question would be, all right, that's cool. We do this to Hawkeye. However, Black Widow with four arms. Yeah, that's four guns.

Isn't she already more, potentially more useful than Hawkeye with four arms? I actually also don't think you could hold two bows with four arms. Yeah, you can. It would just be, he would have to go horizontal. Oh, so he'll be crossed over like that. That's not gonna work. He also needs then more eyes. Yeah. Why? So he can

see in two directions at once. You idiot! He's not shooting... No, I mean two horizontal on top of each other. So like straight out in front. You know what he could also do? Shoot one arrow? Knock another arrow. Yeah. He's already got

post-it arrows that shoot two arrows. Or five! Well now it's got ten. It's just whatever he already had double. But you don't want to You already do that.

You don't want Black Widow with four arms because what is one of her specialties? Oh, she's a Black Widow. Espionage and stuff like that. I get it. She has four arms all of a sudden.

You're a dictator being like, who's this sexy woman with four arms? I'm intrigued. Four-armed minx. Well, that would make Black Widow's name make more sense because she looks like a spider. So basically I've made him grotesque. No one wants to talk to him anyway. Worst case scenario, his wife

leaves and he takes the kids. I'm saying if we're adding arms, let's not stop at two more. Why not add heaps? Yeah. Eight. Oh, yeah. One arm for each ab. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. So, yeah, because he's got- He's all shoulders now. He's got hips instead of shoulders now. No, shoulders instead of hips.

I'm so sorry. So now he's got eight arms? Yeah, because then he can fire... That's 20... That's 40 arrows if he does his... That's pretty impressive. Yeah.

I mean, it's going to be confusing to get them all at once, but I assume he's capable. I mean, the problem here, though, is he's still just firing, like, arrows. But also, he's horrific. No one wants to talk to him. He can climb very well now.

Can he? Yes! Or is he just going to get in the way? I don't know having extra... No, because he can support more weight. I just don't think having extra arms will help me climb. Yeah, it would, because you can support extra weight. Because usually, an issue with climbing is, like, all of a sudden, your entire body weight is in one arm.

Yeah, you could probably... Well, that will never happen. You could probably climb... Because you've got eight. Climb better, but you would also have to teach him parkour, so you could actually... He already knows parkour. Well, that's true. Look at his fight with Black Widow.

That's all parkour. That's parkour-y. I guess. Parkour-y. It's parkour-esque. It's Peter Parkour. What if... All right.

Shut up. Yes? What if, though, instead, Tony Stark just made a suit With eight arms That then Tony Stark wore Well yeah That would be fine But that's not improving Hawkeye

That's improving Iron Man I know More arms on every Avenger Except Black Widow Is a benefit Yes It's the same problem With like you know

Giving You know Except Iron Man Wouldn't be able to Control his arms naturally Because Iron Man's Whole thing Neither will Hawkeye

This is surgery you're performing. Exactly. He'll get used to it. He's like getting Doctor Strange physical therapy. He's going to be living. It takes such a long time to get used to a new limb. You're giving

him eight. Maybe. Maybe you're like Oi, Doctor Strange. Magic him some new arms so it's at least seamless and less scurry if we add more legs does that help as well he's keeping two legs what about eyes yeah well i see i don't think i don't know if we got the we got the technology to give him more eyes well well excuse me well you're reordering his torso. This isn't just a... I'm not reordering. Yes, you are.

You are taking out so many organs and shortening and lengthening. Because again, with a ball and socket joint, you need a lot of room. So that's like a lot of livers being moved. Yeah. Relocated. Maybe.

In his feet. They're in a backpack now. Now you've made him so much more useless Because all his organs are in the backpack But it's in a vibranium backpack So it's safe So is it stapled to his back? No he just wears it with straps

Like how is it Leather straps You know how it is Okay so we've moved all his organs Into a backpack. Is it covered in skin? No, the backpack's just vibranium. Is it like a shell, like a turtle shell?

The backpack's just vibranium. It looks like that, yeah? Like a turtle shell. We made a vibranium and there's like tubes and shit coming from the underside of the shell into him so he can still eat and shit and whatever. So you've kind of made a... I know he's bulletproof from

behind. That's a dream. And do you know what? That would have stopped. That would have saved Quicksilver's life. If he was bulletproof from behind? Is that when you're pitching this idea? How about... No, because if we did that, then Quicksilver wouldn't have had to run in the way of a machine gun.

Because Hawkeye would have just turned and the balls would have just bounced off. What if we made him bulletproof from both sides? What about you just give him a giant vibranium turtle shell? No. Because I want to make him scary and I've nailed it.

I'm uncomfortable with Hawkeye. I'm a bit scary, just uncomfortable. He's very upsetting to imagine. Although now that you've given him a back full of organs Yeah I feel that's gonna like fuck with his balance a bit Can somebody please mock up An issue one

For a comic called Hawkeye Back full of organs please Nothing would make me happier Hawkeye's back All new all exciting Marvel Hawkeye in back! All new, all exciting Marvel. Hawkeye in, back full of organs.

Grotesque. Imagine the smell. Yeah, I can't stop imagining the smell. Like metal and guts. It'll smell like a meat house. A meat house. What's the word I'm looking for? Slaughterhouse? Something-twa. Abattoir? Abattoir. Yes meat house. Slaughterhouse? Something-twa. Abattoir?

Yes, it'll smell like an abattoir all the time. Maybe we call him abattoir. Is Hawkeye consenting to all this? Yes, he signed on to the... Here's an idea. Lengthen his legs. Just because his arms are currently super close to...

I understand where you're going with this. However, I would recommend maybe giving him an extra pair of legs to deal... No! For fuck's sake! One set of legs! Think about this. You build another bit of back so you kind of make him into a horseman.

No, I hate that. What about if we have, on my diagram, extended legs I'm open to. The, I hate that. What about if we have, on my diagram, legs coming out the- Extended legs I'm open to. The back of his thighs, so that when he needs to aim up, he just needs to rest on his back leg. No! His legs are perfect! Right! Okay, how about

one extra leg coming out from the middle of his vibranium shell? Just so that when he needs to aim up at aliens, all he's got to do is rest on his back. And it can hinge backwards. Like it's a backwards leg. And it's a vibranium leg.

Yeah. It's attached to the backpack. So it's not really... He only has two legs. Yeah. Because if he hypothetically took it, he can technically take off the backpack, but he will die. Yes.

It's only on from left to right. And it's like backwards, so he can do some backwards kicking. Yeah, that's all right. Everyone's like, oh, that leg's only for support. And then in the fight, he's like, because he can't talk anymore. And he just kicks. Why can't he talk anymore? His guts are wrong.

He's in constant pain, surely. But he can still talk. He just screams. I'm in so much pain. I'm in so much pain and I have so many arms. My legs are longer than a regular man's. But only a little bit. I only have one

foot. His famous catchphrase will be like, I'm a man with two legs. You've certainly brought something new to the avengers this is not there are problems only this creature can solve i don't know what those problems are oh me neither but it's definitely unique imagine if you ever need to haunt a house there you go scare a child a grown man any kind of villain would be like if that's what they're doing to the people on their own team

I don't want to maybe I don't be a villain that's just for every like Avengers villain that is so grotesque it's just it's a world above you know maybe his shirt on the front will say we will do this to you he serves as a warning

can his name be warning? No, it's Abattoir. Oh, it's Abattoir. That's right. Named after his scent. Okay. Okay. Horrifying.

We will do this to you on his shirt is my favorite aspect of him. God, there's a lot going on. So where does he put the bows and arrows because it's like a like probably um magnetized magnetized but also like a quiver on each side of the backpack okay okay and he can but i mean like he can just magnetize the bows to it yeah whatever to grab them if he needs them at this point the bow and arrow is kind of like a second who cares it's not a punch so good now it's sort of like a hat on a hat at this point yeah I guess he comes to me screaming

can I still use my bow and arrow also can I die I'm like well I guess you can use a bow and arrow and no yes and no damn okay well that's certainly terrifying well mine is not as grotesque but before I reveal it here's a word from our sponsors.

Also, a reminder that this Melbourne International Comedy Festival, I'm going to be hosting a heinous game show called Big Deal. And if you want in on the mess, head to sanspantsradio.com forward slash live to grab your tickets. I was just thinking we poison his skin so he's bad to touch. And then if anyone touches him, they die. Like a deadly poison. What if his wife hugs him?

Well, then she dies. What if his kids hug him? Well, then they die. But, you know, in the face of saving the planet from fucking Kree. What if Thanos touches him? He dies. That's good. A poison that is strong enough to kill Thanos.

But not strong enough to kill Hawkeye. Maybe it's always killing him a bit. You know. So strong enough to only kill a human being a bit, but strong enough to kill a god. Why don't you just radiate his skeleton and just throw Hawkeye's dead body at the problem. Yeah, alright.

Step one, kill Hawkeye. Step two, irradiate the shit out of him bones. This is great if you imagine me in a S.H.I.E.L.D. board meeting flipping over pages. Kill Hawkeye! Hawkeye's sitting in, like, one of them primary school tables, you know, where it's, like, real tiny and has, like, the desk on there as well that lifts up

and has the bucket in it and like i just like to imagine hawkeyes that all the avengers are in the meeting and i've come in and i'm like i'm gonna fix this whole team step one kill hawkeye step two irradiate the shit out of his bones i'm talking so toxic oh my god you don't enough to poison earth you don't want to be within fucking miles. You don't want to be in the same country as these bones. If you look at a photo you'll vomit That's the level of radiation we're talking

And then we take those bones and we throw them at whoever is attacking the planet. Long range like from a catapult Captain America here How you doing Captain? So I'm not hucking those bones myself, yeah? Uh, you're all right. You're made of radiation, right?

No, that's the other guy. Most of you are radiation based. So where are they going to be stored? Store them in a helicarrier. S.H.I.E.L.D.'s got plenty of them. Above Earth. Above in the sky. What if it leaks out?

Hulk gets it. What if it leaks? What if it leaks? Well, that's not What if it leaks? What if it leaks? Well, that's not my problem. I'm just here with solutions. Yeah, but the problem now is we have Hawkeye's irradiated bones and we can't huck his bones at his bones. Okay.

New plan. We get the irradiated bones. We put them in like a little jet. Okay. Yep. We fly this jet. Normally it's in orbit. But when a villain comes on the scene

we crash the jet into the villain, revealing the bones. And then he dies from the irradiated bone. What about everyone that's around that? That's a sacrifice. Sometimes you gotta crack an egg, Captain America. Everyone in the same country. Sometimes you gotta crack an egg.

You got plenty of countries. Do we? You got like hundreds of them. You're thinking of continents, idiot. I'm not thinking of continents, idiot. What is the radius of... You say country. There are some countries that are small.

Depends on how much you let me irradiate these bones. How much you want to irradiate them. As much as is possible for bones to be irradiated. And what will the damage on that be? Pretty big. I feel like you've just caused Civil War 2. Everyone against you. Fucking idiot superheroes are on my side.

No one. No one. I feel like Hawkeye's just pulling out his bow and just killing you in the meeting. I feel like Captain America's like just pulling out his bow and just killing you in the meeting I feel like Captain America's like looks at everyone just hucks his shield at you at the same time I like to imagine they're like

could you please leave the meeting and I'm like of course and then they're like okay so I know most of us have a no kill policy but it's cool if we just go back in it for this one guy Winter Soldier just shoots you in the back of the head and he's like, I don't have a no-kill ball. I kill all the time. Can you just please leave the ball?

Yeah, yeah, sure. Bang! Turn your head. Bang! He didn't see us, so he can still go to heaven. That is Captain America's belief system. He can't tell God what we did. He doesn't know.

Him and God are in the dark on this one. Well, what if we do it all in space? What do you mean? We radiate the bones up at S.H.I.E.L.D.'s space headquarters Yeah, and then what? And then we take it down in a lead bag Yes And then we go up to, say, Thanos

And we go, have a look in this bag We open up the bag He's got a cartoonish skeleton head Have a look in this bag. We open up the bag. He's got a cartoonish skeleton head. And we quickly tie the bag up, chuck it back in the ship, back to space. That should minimize damage. Several problems.

One, wherever he opens up, you're really expecting Thanos to open a bag you gave him. All right. Be like, hey, there's an Infinity Stone in here, a new one. The ego one. You thought there was five to six, idiot. The second problem is, like, what if he just tears it open? Third, what if he, like, uses the power stone and accidentally breaks the zip?

Next question, how strong is the zip? Next question, what is this made of again? We do it. Next question, how do you put it in the bag? Next question. Who's retrieving it? Next question. How are you putting it in the bag? Next question. Who's retrieving it? Next question. How are you irradiating a skeleton?

We just drop it in a nuclear pit or whatever. Next question. How are we getting a pit of nuclear waste in space? I'm sure there are nuclear planets. And also when you drop it in the thing, how are we getting it out? Next question. Why are you here? Because I ran past

security quickly. I'm greased up under my clothes. Get Hulk to do it. He doesn't die from radiation, I don't think, as far as I know. Okay, so what if the Hulk becomes a problem? Sorry, Banner. What if the Hulk becomes a problem Sorry Banner, what if the Hulk becomes a problem Well, it'll be as

Not as big Doesn't exposure to radiation make him more bad What if this now Instead of, okay, say for example You radiate the hell out of his bones Get out and radiate the shit out of his bones Get the absolute shit out of dead Hawkeye's bones What happens then

If you accidentally create more of him And I'm pointing at Banner What if everyone of Hawkeye's bones. What happens then if you accidentally create more of him? And I'm pointing at Banner. What if every one of Hawkeye's bones becomes the Hulk? Then you got bone hulks and my job is done. What if Thanos, as you were wanting to, opens it up and then becomes a Hulk Thanos? He's already basically a Hulk Thanos. He's a horse Hulk.

He's a Hanus. he's a horse hulk he's a hannes he's a horse hulk thanos you're already he's already purple hulk christ come on guys come on what are you doing i love my favorite bit of this is that nobody's been against the killing hawk yeah i've always been like if you can do it safely we'll talk. Just got to radiate the shit out of those bones. Give them to Hawkeye. Not give them to Hawkeye. Give them to Thanos or Ultron as a gift. Hey, we got some bones for you, idiot.

Next problem. Yeah, next question. Ultron. Ultron, yeah. Robot. Yeah. Radiation's good for no one, man. It screws with electronics, I'm pretty sure.

I don't think it does. Let's test it out. How? We radiate the shit out of Hawkeye's bones. We take him to visions of robot. So, see what the fuck happens. You want to kill Hawkeye here, and then kill the robot that's on our side?

Just to see if it works. And if it does work, that's a good result because then we can use it on Ultron. Yeah. If it doesn't work, I'll go. You know, if it doesn't work, I'll hang my hat. That's me. I fucked up. I don't know much about bones.

Hey, okay. So if radiation is bad for electronics, how are we irradiating the bones? Yeah. How is it not destroying them bones? How is it not destroying the equipment that's controlling the radiation? We find a natural irradiated pit. I thought I made that clear. Yes.

And we just hang the bones over it. Yes. We smoke the bones. Yes. In the radiation gas. Yes. We do it for long enough that they become irradiated. Yeah.

I feel they're going to disintegrate and be destroyed by the radiation. That you claim is bad for everything. Yeah. Not for bones. So. As you'll recall, when Thanos opened the sack, he was left with a cartoonish skull. So bones are obviously fine in the radiation. So what if he got bone armor? Well, that's going to be a problem, yes. But I don obviously fine in the radiation. So what if he got bone armour?

Well, that's gonna be a problem, yes, but I don't think he's gonna. I'll bet you a hundred dollars he won't. A hundred dollars? It's a wonder I haven't been shot again. Can you imagine me yelling

that while I'm dying? Into a bubble of blood that's pooling around my head. I feel like you've made Hawkeye not so much useless, but a giant problem. You've destroyed Earth with Hawkeye. I mean, bits of it. And less with Hawkeye's bones, just more with radiation. Slokovia's gone anyway, so that's Ultron. Slokovia.

It's not. Salakovia's gone anyway, so that's Ultron. Slacovia. It's not. Salacovia's gone. We saved it. Yeah, but we didn't need to, so that's gone. What? What do you mean you didn't need to? Well, it's one town. What? Now you say it. Do you remember what happened? If we left it, it was going to be dropped onto Earth and destroy

Earth. Yeah, well, you won't need to because we'll just drop the bones on it and radiate Ultron. Yeah, and then you know what'll happen? What? It'll fall on Earth. That's if Ultron's got it up there by then. We just gotta be quick.

Okay, let's... Okay, how are they gonna solve the problem in the first Avengers film? The battle in New York City. Okay. So the government had a plan. Do you remember what their plan was? Throw a nuke.

Yeah. New York's gone. But you gotta be had a plan. Do you remember what their plan was? Throw a nuke. Yeah. New York's gone, but you gotta be like, Iron Man, you gotta die for the Avengers. You give him the bones, you turn on his suit. He goes through the sky anus,

releases the bones to space. We gotta get the bones back. Okay. I forgot. Alright. So you've killed Stark. You've killed the aliens. Killed Thanos.

You're now dealing with... Have you poisoned all of space? All right, so you've killed Stark. You've killed the aliens. Killed Thanos. Have you poisoned all of space? You're irradiating the bones so much it's killing space. How irradiated are these bones? I thought he made it clear. He's going to irradiate the shit out of them. He's going to be so fucking irradiated. How are you irradiating it more potently than whatever you use to irradiate it with is my

question. You're not getting it. It's going to irradiate the absolute shit out of these bones. I think I am. It's going to irradiate the ever-loving shit out of these bones. These bones will be irradiated to fuck. They'll be irradiated to all fucking get out. You'll never see bones more irradiated to fuck. They'll be irradiated to all fucking get up. You'll never see bones more irradiated.

If you send me a bone that's more irradiated to shit than Hawkeye's dead bone, I'll give you $20 out of my wallet right now. That's my goddamn promise. It's so great to imagine Iron Man flying up through the hole, releasing the bones of the hole, closing and me being like, oh, wait! Oh, shit, we need the bones!

Open it back up! We can't let the bones be in space, they're so dangerous. I just don't understand what's containing them. I just don't understand how they're more irradiated than whatever you use your radiator with. I just don't understand how they're more irradiated than whatever you use your radiator with. It's just so much that I have questions. So who improved Hawkeye the most? Look, at the end of the day, no one's really improved Hawkeye's quality of life.

And I feel that's the thing that matters the most. I improved him physically. Yeah. I improved him physically I improved him Useful-elessly You just killed him Yeah, which is kinda good So really, I think we all came up

Pretty well Well, you realise that he Like, you were just like, no, I guess there's nothing I can do I ruined his life Made him a monster And you just killed him Yeah, him his irradiated bones now he's done more for us that's what people say he did more for us as irradiated bones no jack you know what people are gonna say about hawkeye yeah just give me give me like maybe three seconds okay this because they're dead

everyone's dead because you irradiated the shit out of those bones! Irradiated the goddamn shit out of these goddamn bones! Fucking radiation coming out your fucking dickhole of these bones! Holy shit! These bones are irradiated! I don't know what to do! And on that note, I've been fucking irradiated to shit! I've been irradiated to shit as well! And I've been irradiated to shit as well. And I've been irradiated to ever-loving shit. Fuck. Thanks for listening. And if you want to follow us on Twitter,

you can find us at Sandspance Radio, or you can find us individually. I'm at Douche13. I'm at OldDogsOfDead. And I'm at GodDammitZammit. If you want to hear our other shows, you can head to SandspanceRadio.com and you'll find all our other content there.

There's heaps. And if you want to support us, head to SandsPantsPlus.com. Thank you again for listening and we'll see you again next time. Good night for now. Good night forever. Kisses.