Plumbing the Death Star - How Would YOU Improve the Lightsaber?

Episode Date: May 16, 2021

Grab your tickets to see Plumbing the Death Star Live at the Comedy Republic on June 5th here!Sign up to our newsletter here. Join our facebook group here or join our Discord here.You can physically send us stuff to PO BOX 7127, Reservoir East, Victoria, 3073.Want to help support the show?Sanspants+ | Shop | TeesWant to get in contact with us?Email | Twitter | Website | Facebook | RedditOr individually at;Jackson | Duscher | ZammitTheme music by the wonderfully talented Benny Davis! You can find all his stuff at his website or check out his YouTube channel. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sands Pants Radio, Australia's least coherent podcast network. Hey you beautiful piss freaks, I recently adopted two very cute kittens. Their names are Kimchi and Tiramisu. My Saturday nights are mostly spent on the couch watching Netflix with my wife, Kimchi asleep on my belly, while Tiramisu chews and then needs the blanket that is on us. We have lovingly started to refer to this as her doing her mummy milkers. This to me is bliss and I'm letting you know that this June 5th I'm giving up my slice of happiness to perform like the monkey I am.

So if you're in Melbourne this June and want to contribute to the reason I'm not at home head to the show notes and grab your tickets now. Tickets are almost sold out, so get in quick, as enough of you dogs are already coming that I can't cancel. Once again, tickets are in the show notes, so get in quick. Hey, everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, how would you, yes you, improve the lightsaber?

So the lightsaber, Johnny Lightsaber. Yeah. It's a primitive weapon from the Stone Age. It is. It's a cowboy weapon from the Stone Age. It is. It's a cowboy weapon from Flintstones. From Star Wars BC. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we've got to figure out something new. They've been using the same weapon for generations.

A bombinocker. Sorry, I was trying not to pay attention. A bombinocker. I was trying not to pay attention. I want to hear what you have to say. I've got a bombinocker screaming in my brain and I want to get it out. Bombing knocker. So one benefit. And a shield.

Okay. Let's just. Let's calm down. I'm hearing a lot of good pitches, great ideas, but let's just. We'll just get in. We'll just look at the lightsaber. Before, when you're having an R&D meeting about improving something, just kick open the door and scream,

Bommi knocker. Mickey Mouse has a gun now! Bluto, cuck! What? Sir, please. We've not even begun. Bomp my third arm! Third arm!

Oh, sorry, did I say Bommi knocker? I meant a morning star. Yeah, we know what you meant. Yeah, because a Bommi knocker would be insane. Is a Bommi knocker a mace? No, a Bommi knocker's a Morningstar. Yeah, we know what you meant. Yeah, because a Bominaka would be insane. Is a Bominaka a mace? No, a Bominaka's on a chain. No, I want the one on the chain. Maybe it is a Morningstar.

I don't know the difference. Okay. Also, isn't it? Yeah, anyway, yes. Tell us about the lightsaber. Yeah, sorry. As it stands. Trying to find one that has-

Made of kyber crystals. I know that much. Somehow. Gotta find a big spider or something. Yeah. Who knows? Trying to find one that has- Made of kyber crystals. I know that much somehow. You've got to find a big spider or something. Yeah. Who knows? Star Wars changes its mind on that one.

That's fine. That's up for Star Wars to sort that out. We know that a lightsaber is a beam of light that goes through a kyber crystal in a metal hilt. Yeah. And the hilt- So it's a saber. That's the saber. It's a sword. The kyber crystal controls the color and I think intensity of it. The length and the girth. Yeah. The length and girth, I believe are controlled by the kyber crystal.

Yeah. But also like the, I feel like there's like mirrors and shit in it. I don't know. Look, I pulled up a blueprint. Nothing was labeled. I was like, this doesn't help me. So a bommie knock is on a chain Yes So a morning star Which I think is kind of like a flail or like a mace Whatever that one is, like a big stick A chain, a ball on the end, spikes It is awesome to imagine that ball

Hitting, let's say a gungan In the head Making like a Like a cauterized, I guess, just wound. A trench where the head used to be. Yeah. Like a depression in the skull. Before we get too excited about a Gungan having his head torn clean off.

Well, I was going to say, have you guys ever fucked in a Photoshop? Because you get a picture of a Gungan and then you get like the arrays, like a circle array mark, and you say intensity to 100 or whatever, and you just do a single click on his head. That's what's going to happen to his head, maybe with some spikes thrown in. I know that this is very exciting,

but typically when you improve something, you look at the flaws of the original. It's very rare to be like, okay, Mickey Mouse is a dog man now. No, we're fixing Mickey Mouse. Mickey Mouse is a guy named James. He's got big shoes. James Mouse. James Mouse.

I get the mouse in there. I get the mouse in there. James Mouse rat the dog. Think about it. Think about it. He's got a gun. You've come into this Disney pitch meeting at an 11. We need you to dial it back to a 5

and start pitching something that makes fucking sense, okay? So, the lightsaber. Let's, before, again, we're not going to shy away from the Bominokka and the not-yet-referenced shield, but we need to figure out what the flaws of the lightsaber are and how your mommy knocker and shield combo fixes any of them. So for the shield, at the very least, the lightsaber, you can only chop off an arm or a

head, theoretically, or stab a guts. If the shield's big enough, you can theoretically just run into someone and completely disintegrate them on the spot. Again. But again, you've taken the shield route here. There's something that we're putting on the shelf. You've gone straight to the shelf and picked it up, come back to me and started telling me about it. It's on the shelf.

I'm aware of it. Just leave it there for a second. I'm now holding a lighter we need to look at the flaws of this okay and before we go back to the shelf where you just wave a thing at me and i say yes what about though some steel fans what do you mean like what katana has in mortal combat yeah you know those big fans that she got? Yeah. They're good.

Another thing to put on the shelf. Okay, steel fans. Okay, fine, a glaive. Not new weapons. We need to... Okay, all right. The problems of a lightsaber is that it is very short range. Short range. You need to be a Jedi to use it correctly.

Dangerous. It's dangerous. Yeah, if you hold it from the wrong end. Stab yourself in the gut. Cut your fingers off. It's in the shape that makes you feel like you can suck on it, but you shouldn't suck on it. It's very thin, right?

So when you have to, like if someone is like shooting a blaster at you, you have to move it fast to stop those blaster bullets. That's very true. It seems to be only for a Jedi. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which leads into for a Jedi. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which leads into a shield idea. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm looking at the shelf. I've heard that's on the shelf. Back of the shelf! I've heard that's on the shelf. We'll get to the shelf! Yeah, but you're right, you're right. Very difficult to deflect a blaster bullet with it. In fact, difficult to deflect most weapons with it other than other lightsabers, really.

So, look, a lightsaber is obviously a weapon for Jedi. And we get it. You want to keep it as a Jedi weapon. So you don't want to make it too easy to use. But you also don't want to make it the whole point being like, if you use this and you are not on the top of your game, you will die. Because that seems crazy. You want it to kind of be like a car.

It's user friendly. Anyone can get into it. You get a driver's license and you're good with a car. Like a grenade. Yeah. What do you mean? I'll put it on the shelf. No, not yet.

That one I need to bring it to the middle of the table. What do you mean? How's a car? I said driver's license. How is a car like a grenade? Well, it's user friendly. It's very simple. No, that's fair. You pull a pin and you hook. it's user-friendly. It's very simple. No, that's fair.

You pull a pin and you hook. He's right. He's right, actually. There's two options. Anyone can use that. A baby could. He shouldn't, but he could. I don't know that a baby could.

I made the mistake of assuming that because I said driver's license, that was a connection. But no, you were just thinking of... What's easy. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, so we want to bring the lightsaber skill level. Look, hey, you still need to be trained in the area and whatever. I. Yeah. So we want to bring the lightsaber skill level. Yeah. Look,

Hey, you still need to be trained in the area and whatever. I get it. Jedi's what they hate blasters. Cause they're too easy to just point and shoot. I mean, guess the job done, but that's fine.

It's not for us to say. Yoda's come to us and be like, keep it. Here we are. Keep it hard to use. You must. We're all three of us sabersmiths. Being like, why don't you just talk normal?

Okay, I'm going to talk with a regular voice, then we'll listen. Regular voice of mine this is. That didn't make sense, did it? This is regular voice of mine. Every time I speak to you, it's like doing Sudoku, but for words. I don't like it. Sudoku for words, you say? Yes.

Why do you got to repeat everything? I did. What of it? Sense. That makes little. Another problem with the lightsaber is it's not always on. I have to turn it on. Yeah, and Order 66 happened.

So maybe, come to you with a grave problem I have. Recall on lightsabers, there's been. Dead, my Jedi are. I still think, first off, we seem to have a little bit of a loss of our lightsabers. They seem to have got walkabouts. Don't know where they went. Shot in the guts,

my Jedi were. Alright, so I guess a lightsaber doesn't protect you from a shot to the back of the head. Yeah, correct. So I guess a lightsaber doesn't protect you from a shot to the back of the head. Yeah, correct. So where is my weaponized cape? No. What do you mean?

That's not even on the shelf. That was just comfortable as a full lightsaber suit. Cape, vomit knocker. Guys, I have many ideas. Making a zzzz sound every time you take a step. Have we ever considered the lightsaber mech?

A lightsaber man. I hate this idea I do. Okay. We've identified the flaws of the lightsaber. Now it's time to look at that shelf. Bad defense, bad offense. Little. Hard to use. Not always on. Basically, it's a to look at that shelf. Great, bad defense, bad offense. Little. Hard to use. Not always on.

Not always on. So basically it's a floor across the board. Nothing about it is good. It looks cool. Yeah, it does look cool. It's sleek. It is very sleek. I'm coming around to it.

Cool noise. Okay, well let's explore. Okay, because mine's not as intense as making something new. I'm gesturing to myself, I'm going to regret this. But both, come pick one thing off the shelf. And one at a time, we will go through it and why this works. I'm going to have to go with Joel Zammert first, Jackson, because he literally looks like he's about to die.

So I know we've said a few things. Someone has definitely said a lot of things. So what about, the biggest know we've said a few things. Someone has definitely said a lot of things. Me and Yoda just sitting there like... So what about... The biggest problem we have is... Fuck, this is going to be... A lightsaber is very short range. Like, look, I was thinking of some lightsaber daggers, but it's shorter range.

Maybe what do we think about them? Anyway, but just put them on the side. Okay, what I'm thinking of is... So here is a medieval longbow. Okay. What if we made that into a lightsaber somehow? So lightsaber arrows. The whole thing is lightsaber. Hurts to

hold. Really, it's cut your fingies right off. God, lightsaber arrows is not the stupidest idea. It's pretty stupid because it is. It's not the stupidest idea. Kyber crystals and the fact we hate blasters, did he not understand?

Speaking backwards, I stopped. You got a heap of kyber crystals now. What's going to stop? So hang on, what does it describe? There's a lot of Jedis. The clones weren't like, just leave the lightsabers here presumably. We collected all the lightsabers,

put them in a big furnace. We just have a big amount of kyber metal. Okay, describe to me what the arrow looks like. Okay, so why the Jedi would like to use this but don't like the monsters. Okay, so we have like the kyber crystals. We could just shave a little bit off. Okay.

And so that we can just like shave a little bit off so it's like less intense. But as we fire it, a little mechanism goes when like say the bowstring or whatever it is that hits the base of that arrow ignites the arrow, making the lightsaber go on for a certain point, enough to penetrate into somebody. And then it'll only because there's a little bit,

a little sliver of kyber crystals, it will then turn off so that no one can steal the kyber crystals was that a problem is that what you were asking so that's one issue solved

made a worse gun you have plus you need skill made a more expensive gun he has

so you need a certain money the Jedi council has not so there's a certain level of skill to use a bow and arrow. That's a lot more than a blaster.

Clarification, I seek. Depending on the longbow, you do have a huge range. Maybe more than the blaster. Not as much as, say, a sniper blaster. Or just a blaster not as much as say a sniper blaster or just a blaster rifle I think you'd have more than a rifle or a blaster because you can get a pretty decent range with a

so is range the selling point because a blaster bullet will go through a guy as well as much as a kyber crystal will go through a guy also you're basing this on bullets blasters shoot lasers. Do they stop?

Do they stop? That's a great question. Well, it seems that a lightsaber can stop a blaster. So are you suggesting we shoot the blaster bullet that we come out of? So, well, but if

the lightsaber... I've got the answer! Because it if the lightsaber... What were you thinking about that? I got the answer. The lightsaber, because it's a lightsaber arrow, it shoots... Why would we make a lightsaber gun? Or lightsaber bullets? Because then they will go through the blaster bullets and therefore shooting the...

So if we're in a Bugs Bunny type situation where somebody has a gun at us and we can put our gun to that gun, we're good. The only thing that stops a bad bullet is a good bullet hitting the bad bullet yeah somebody comes at me with a blaster i'm like don't worry guys i got this i just gotta aim real well and then i'm shot in the head like so many guns okay all right okay so i think it'll be important what you think about look i feel like should i go back to my shield-bombing-knocker idea? Go back to the shelf, have a think.

No, but... Okay, so... He improved offense by making the lightsaber less deadly and less... Effective. Effective. So that's a bit of a cross. Maybe he made it more defensive.

No, it's harder. He's taken a lightsaber, which is already harder to deflect cross-divorce, made it way smaller. Way more difficult, yeah. And you have already hard to deflect. Made it way smaller. And you have to do an action to fire it. That's a cross. That's a cross out of there.

Hard to use? Yes, it's hard. It's harder, I'd say. What about my weaponized cape? It's sleek. No, it's made it less sleek. Yeah, yeah. Okay, what about if I pitched to you,

the lightsaber's fine, it just needs to be thicker? Ooh! So you can't hold it in one hand anymore. You've got to use two. It's about that size, the size of a basketball. Like a kettlebell, but with two... Yeah, and then instead of just stabbing someone in the chest, there's a little hole, you stab their whole middle out.

Okay, so very slow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But if you get a good run up. The fence. Right. No, because remember, Order 66, we just said with a lightsaber, it's doing nothing about getting shot in the back. Now you're even slower.

Imagine this. I got it here. I got the two handles on either side. I know what you're going to do. Somebody's behind me. Whoa! Over the back, into their head. Your arms don't bend that well, like all that way.

They don't bend back, I stab myself in the back of their head. You're sort of taking your own head off in that action. Yeah, dude. Don't worry guys, I got this. Guzzy's own head off with a lightsaber. What does he mean? Is that what he meant by got this? Is that what he meant?

Is that how he was getting out of order? 66 by lightsaber his own head into a hot mist? Was that the plan? Or you could use it like a battering ram. I can. You don't mean using a battering ram. Using it as a

hole punch. For meat! It's a hole punch for meat. And a hole punch for me and steel and steel so they're doing against doors yeah maybe it's going to be wielded by multiple people now so you're making siege weapon what about catapult yeah maybe it's a siege weapon there's a lot of big aliens in star wars right that if i use my little baby wiener lightsaber to try and chop at, I won't be able to get rid of them. But if I use my big looking like a huge lipstick

for a giant lightsaber, I'll be able to chop that leg right off. Yeah, that's pretty good. Okay, what about this? Okay, I know this is a real roll of the dice, but you've seen Star Wars. I'm at least aware of it. How many situations are Jedi in that put in where they need a siege weapon?

Start episode one. Rancor? That big alien boy. AT-AT? Yeah. Okay, so there's three moments in six films. Jakku? What do you mean?

When in Jakku? Oh, wait, not Jakku. What's the one on the ice? Hoth. No, no. That is Hoth. The one on the ice. Maybe it's on the sand, on the salt.

Oh, what is that planet called? Yeah, that one. Where do they need it there? Well, it's just a big fight. You're just thinking of fights, not when they need a siege weapon. Because if you bring a siege weapon where there's lots of ground troops,

they just wreck the siege weapon. So, okay, Order 66, which is when Yoda has come to you. Yeah, that's fair. The Jedi got shot in the back. Now you just put lots of Jedi on one siege weapon and then shot them. You can shoot them in the front now, too.

All I gotta do is grab it and spin. No one's coming at them. They'll be like Sonic the Head. What do you mean no one's coming at them? That's the whole thing. There was people

coming at them. May I suggest? But I guess the bad guys in this situation also have those lightsabers. So then I guess like, because I was gonna be like, yeah, any of the lightsaber fights,

like you don't need to worry about the Rancor because Vader kills Luke because he's too slow. Yeah. Okay. What about this? What about this as an idea,

as a weapon? So what about sunglasses? Okay. A kind of a, a, a, a, a Scott Summers,

Cyclops situations where I have a visor and that it's there and people are like having a chat to me. And then we're like, don't worry. We're having, we're having, we're having a conversation. I'm here to negotiate because that's what me as a Jedi do. And uh-huh, uh-huh, I'm just going to quickly come up here

and just touch the side of my head because I'm thinking. Okay. What do we think? Always know where I'm aiming. Where you're looking. Yeah, that's fair. The kyber crystals just embedded in between your eyes. And look, let's just say, for argument's sake,

because lightsabers don't shoot, that it just turns on, so it's just sticking out of your head. But it's in the shape of a bottle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've made it! I don't know why you keep going for projectiles. That's interesting.

You can't defend terribly well with it. Oh, I've also blinded myself very intensely as soon as it goes on. Yeah, that is a problem. We can use the force, I guess. What, to see? Yeah. We can force sense. I guess.

Okay. I'll get one of my lightsaber knives. I blind myself. Because then hopefully I get more in touch with the force that way I get that blind sense I need No plan should start with step one blind self I'm here to tell you right now No plan should start that way

Now I can use my lightsaber visor Or my light visor Yeah How easy is it to operate? You've got to wear it And you've got to press a button Too easy Anyone can use it Or I'm going to press a button. So too easy. No, anyone can use it.

Or a baby again. Yeah, but you're blinded. You are blinded. That's true. There's no defense because presumably it's a- I'm not getting shot in the head. Oh, you are getting shot in the back of the head. You definitely won't see it coming.

I'll be flying blind. Somehow you're in negative defense. It's not wide. It's thin. Yeah'll be flying blind. Somehow you're in negative defense. It's not wide, it's thin. It's thinner than a lightsaber now that I think about it. Yeah. And also, you know, with a lightsaber, most of the time, if you see a Jedi holding a lightsaber,

they hold it vertically. Yours is permanently horizontal. What if I look down? Oh, I've cut off many things. Cut your feet off. Fall over, can't stand anymore. If you look down and then up, like if you do like a curl, you'll lightsaber your whole body and you're just a torso.

Dangerous. Okay, you've not made it safer. You made it more, okay. We'll put that back in the furnace. Let's return to the shield. Yes. Because the idea of like a huge shield, like a tower shield,

that I can vaporize a whole Gungan with, it's pretty appealing. Why not just a regular shield so it's easier to hold? Well, no, because I want to get the Gungan in one go. I know, you really want to vaporize a Gungan. I just want their feet and maybe a bit of their head. That's it. I want a cowboy boots smoking.

As if you're not going to stop halfway through so you've got half a Gungan. Like one of them big Ts, you know? And each one is like a quadrant is like a lightsaber pattern. Yeah. And then a Morningstar with it. He can have the Morningstar. I just want the shield.

So a shield. Okay. What about a shield and a net? Yeah. A lightsaber and a net. A lightsaber and a net is just going to dice a guy. Put all of your ideas back on the shelf for a second. Let's talk about the shield.

Let's talk about the shield. Let's nut it out. Okay. So you want basically the equivalent of like the- Imagine the length of this table, like a meter or a bit, maybe two meters, something like that. Okay. It's too big for a shield. Either it's in the worst-

Maybe it's on wheels. Okay. Why, when you're on to kind of a a winner do you then immediately backflip and try to make your own okay so unsalvageable a tower shield is six foot tall well there you go that's two people used it back in the day full body protection i got the force i wouldn't even have to hold it not full body protection i'll just use the force to move it around how did the clone shoot the jedi in the back of the head. Yeah, but imagine this.

I see someone coming, okay? I get the shield. Through the shield? You're going to see through the shield? No, I'm blinded like Zaminus. Oh, yeah. How? So with the lightsab, because I'm imagining that, yeah, you can kind of see through it, but I'm assuming,

is it just really intensely bright? You're looking through a light, I guess. You have afterimages on your eyes the whole time. What kind of light? If I stare at a light bulb now, I'm going to get those weird things. Well, Jedi hold light sabers in front of their face. Yeah, so surely. It's not too.

It's opaque, though. You're not seeing through it. Yeah. Surely some of them have got pretty bad vision, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they don't seem to have pretty bad vision. I imagine the corneas of most Jedi are burned the fuck out. But they don't see the clone troopers coming up from shooting the back of the head.

Some of them do, but also all of a sudden you're expecting to be walking somewhere and then you get a disturbance in the Force, like, they're about to shoot me, and then you've got to try and take on 15 guys all of a sudden. What if my shield's for stealth reasons? It's for, like, stealth missions. What do you mean? So imagine this. I'm using the force to make it float. So the only sound is the vvvv of it.

Because you can't avoid. And the little pit pat of my bare feet, okay? And then, say there's a Gungan ahead. And the glow of the lightsaber. Yeah, we can't do anything about that. But say there's a Gungan ahead. Now I float the shield up so that it's lightsaber side down above the Gungan and to the floor. Completely

vaporizing him in one go. I like this idea! You're not impr- You just want it, you're just fantasizing. No, no, no. So, there is- Okay, what about this? Jack, Jack, you know- Jack, Jack, Jack. He's nothing, he's gas. Erased from history. You know bowlers? Yeah. You know those things, like those little tiny, like, balls or whatever,

or like heavy balls and like a string. So same concept. But we just have, like, lightsaber like balls that whatever, or like heavy balls and like a string. So same concept, but we just have like lightsaber, like balls that we can use the force to maneuver and then straight through a Gungan. Yeah. Well, it doesn't vaporize the Gungan. But it's still good.

Yeah. It's also funny to use it like a bolus because all you're doing is chopping them off at the ankles and then they fall down and scream mission over. It's still good though. Do you know what I'm saying? Both of these are great. In fact, yeah. But you can use a lightsaber in the way you're describing

and it doesn't lose any of the- Yeah, but this way I've erased that gungan. What difference does that make? He's gone from history. They can don't even- It's not! It doesn't! No body, no crime?

Is that what you're trying to- No body, no existence, baby. When people die, they're erased from history. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's nothing left of him. How big is it? He went missing. Where'd he go? No body.

Also, like- Nobody finds a dead body and is like, oh no, someone's dead. They're like, where's our gunga? I also don't know what would happen if you dropped that on a person. Cause I don't, it wouldn't just be like, what the Jesse you made.

It wouldn't, it wouldn't be be like what the Jesse you made. It wouldn't be slower. There would be some resistance. And then he'd be quiet. Me so. Nothing. Maybe smoke. The only thing that remains is a big smile on your face. I'm the greatest Jedi who ever lived.

Okay. So what if we go for, so the shield idea was good before Jackson made it terrible. There's ways you can make the shield work. Yes, that's what I mean. So rather than having a tower shield, which is insane. No, I think tower shields are better. Okay, what about this?

Okay, Dusha, maybe this will allay some of your fears. Because previously we've been putting the shield on a person. Okay? Maybe that's a little asamirafia's. Because previously we've been putting this shield on a person. Okay. What if we made a kind of weaponized truck, like a snowplow? Okay. And it was on the front. And in war, we just drove through guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Vaporizing them from existence. Jedis don't usually fight in wars. Jedis don't drive trucks. Well, we're not making weapons for Jedis. We're making weapons for average Joe us. Yeah. For Joe us. Yeah. For Joe Q. Star Wars. Joe Q. Star Wars.

And he's got this perfectly good snowblower that he wants to weaponize. But Yoda came into this meeting. You said, Yoda, you said that the lightsaber is hard for a Jedi. You've got to be a Jedi. One of the criteria's. You've got to be a master. One of the criteria's was to not be a Jedi to control this. No, it was.

It's just that you didn't have to be the king of Jedi to be good with a lightsaber. It needed to be easier, like getting a driver's license. Remember I said that? Then you said a baby and a grenade. Yeah, I did. I do recall that. What about a steamroller?

Okay. With the wheels, lightsabers. So it's kind of like my vaporize from existence idea. What's exactly? I suppose. Again.

Okay. So you then put lightsabers on the wheels. That was your plan? How are you driving? What do you mean? Oh, no. Into the earth.

Yeah. You're kind of bogged, I guess. All right. Scrapped up. Okay. So as I was the earth. Yeah. You're kind of bogged, I guess. All right, scrap that. Okay, so as I was saying before, lightsabers, we realize that offensive and defensively, you can blow up a truck very easily. Oh, that's true. Bad Jedi, Sith, just do this, make a fist.

Truck gone. So what about we return to what I said before, which was the steel fans. Okay. So lightsaber fans. Yeah. Truck, truck, truck. So what about we return to what I said before, which was the steel fans. Okay. So lightsaber fans. Yeah. What's the benefit of that over a regular lightsaber? So basically, it is very similar in the sense that it's still kind of short range, but you can huck them.

Oh, yeah. And then you can use the force to bring them back and catch them. Like a lightsaber. Like a lightsaber. Yeah. But they are wider, so very easy to deflect. Oh, yeah. To deflect bullets.

Blaster blasts. Blaster blasts. Hmm. Maybe called blaster bolts. It's quite similar. And because they're steel fans, they're not as long. Yeah. So less chance of cutting off your own head.

Or feet. Or feet. Depending on what direction you're starting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And what direction you're starting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And what direction you're finishing. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Okay. But is this...

I mean, I guess a lightsaber, you are more likely to cut off your own head. That is true. I will say that one disadvantage that is obvious to me in this, although I do think that this is closer. Yeah, this is the closest we've got. The shield was a good idea, again,

before Jackson ruined it. And then I tried to fix it, but no. So we've moved on. It's back on the shelf. Under the bad ideas thing where there was a smaller size shield that was definitely under good ideas. We can come back to buckler. We can do that. Well you guys can.

Yeah but I can't disintegrate a gun in a minute. What's the point? I mean you can. You've got to get over his head and just hold it down. His arms will still be around. Yeah, but you just feed it through the buckler. I guess. It's not quick.

It's not a one and done. Anyway. Look, I'm on your side. I know. I appreciate it. It's good. It's bad. It's a great idea. The fans, though.

Let's talk about the fans. Fans, good. You have two of them as well? That, I think, is a downside. One can always protect the back of your head. Yeah, but then your hands aren't free. Okay, what about this? The lightsaber has the benefit of, like, yeah, you could have two if you want.

But one, you can just use one hand. Why do you need two hands? Okay, why in Peaky Blinders are they called Peaky Blinders? I ask you. I do not know. That's because they wear caps that have little razor blades in them. Those are their Peaky Blinders. I ask you. I do not know. That's because they wear caps that have little razor blades in them. Those are their peaky blinders. They blind you with them. Now imagine a cap, but like a trucker cap, but the rim is lightsaber.

And then when I think I might be stabbed in the head, stabbed? I don't want to get stabbed. I spin it around backwards. Look cool. Protect head. Okay. How are you spinning around a cap without touching the brim? Oh, no. So the whole brim is a lightsaber? It is. How is it also not just embedding the horn?

Also, how are you not being blind like me with my sunglasses? I fucking killed myself. Also, if you have it backwards right Usually it sits at a little bit of an angle And that'll be touching the back of your neck Absolutely Just paralyze yourself by cutting off your spinal cord If you ever look up

Jackson look there they are in the sky What? God damn it This cap was a mistake What about a glaive? What's a glaive? So a glaive is basically one of them long, like a big stick- It's a pole with lightsaber on the end, kind of. Oh yeah!

Why not make it all lightsaber? Cause I need to hold it. Yeah, and again, two handed. Two eyes, two handed. And again, slower, worse defense. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cross for sleek. Yeah. Cross for easier to use. Cross for defense. Cross for offense. Smaller shield, like Captain America-sized shield.

Okay. Okay. Faster to move around, maneuverability. So again, if there is a guy behind you and you've just copped a sense from the force, it's not going to take you 20 minutes to turn around like a tower shield would. The chances of you stopping a blasted bullet in the back of your skull higher,

you can still disintegrate people if you want. It just takes longer. No. Same length of time. But I'm getting less of them. So it will take longer in the end. Erase them from history. What happened if you put the lightsaber on the ground

and you force lifted someone and just dropped it onto them? So as opposed to the shield going down, they're going on it. They went on it. I mean, they'll scream longer. They'll go upside down. You flip them. They go, wait, what? Go on.

Gungan, who is he? No one can remember his name. Erased from history. Are you imagining with the Captain America shield that you use it like Captain America does? Because you can't touch it. Yeah, no, I know. No, I'm not.

I'm imagining it as a shield. Yeah, yeah. So, like, strapped onto you, like, reinforced so that you don't also see the lightsaber from the other side to blind you, I can only assume. Yeah, yeah. So I imagine, like, the backside to be made of, like, hilt. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That also means that if you come across a Sith that hasn't got the memo that lightsabers need improving, and they come at you with a regular lightsaber, you have a chance to defend yourself.

That's true. I will say, though, that this seems like it would work best with a lightsaber. Yeah. It definitely does feel like you need another weapon, i.e. a morning star. Yeah. The bombing knocker idea from originally. The idea that came in

the first idea on the shelf is the last to come off. So let's Oh, look, I got one more which I think you'll like. Okay. It does involve a horse. Okay. Okay. Alright. Okay. So let's... Oh, look, I got one more, which I think you'll like. Okay. It does involve a horse. Okay. Okay.

All right. But let's explore the bombing knocker. No, no, no, no. Let's explore the second, the newest idea on the shelf. Okay. And then we'll return to the first idea on the shelf. That's good. So you're right.

You're very right when it comes to like, okay, so you need maneuverability in a battlefield and you're going to get shot in the back head or whatever. But also what other kind of cool weapons are there? Because you're right. If you have a big stick with a sword on the end, it's difficult to maneuver. So what about a lance? But you also need a horse.

Oh, and can the horse's hooves also be lightsaber? No! Stop thinking about it! No! And when a horse kicks. Yeah! And the horse stands on the ground, it goes through the ground again. It sinks up to its armpits. And you get off and run,

leaving the horse. You keep getting so excited about disintegration and forget how lightsabers work. It's like how you don't need to be faster. If the three of us were being chased by a bear, I don't need to be faster than the bear, I just need to be faster than you, which I'm not. I know. But it's the same thing.

Darth Maul's coming for me. I get on my horse, sink, run. He kills the horse. I'm out of there. What? Okay. You know that it's not just... He hates horses.

We know this about Darth Maul. He can't look past or walk past a horse without wanting to kill it. He doesn't know what it is because he's from Star Wars. He's like, I've got to kill this fucking horse. Anyway. So yeah, horse and lance, but lightsaber. What do we think? We can actually have the shield there as well.

Can have the shield. Still very much like, I mean, you're holding a lightsaber lance and a lightsaber shield and the horses are living animals. Easy to kill. How do horses... Good question. How do horses go in space? Yeah, true.

How do horses respond to pain of accidentally being seared by a lightsaber? I think it's what lances are really heavy. So you might just drop it accidentally and you're out of lightsaber. But what if we, like we're on the Millennium Falcon, we enter that ship the the star destroyer whatever and then we've got to we've got to go out and do all the stealthy stuff like a new hope

and there's me on the ramp dragging this horse out doesn't want to be there it's still aggressive it's aggressive oh hey boy he's gonna go it's like luke in the head oh no oh luke's dead don't tell han he hasn't figured it out yet We gotta hide Luke's body in space I used my shield I say you thought this was stupid You laughed at me But no one's gonna remember Luke Skywalker's name Why the man of existence

Luke we don't know Okay again Imagine this A horse charging down Darth Vader With you with a lightsaber sword. That's pretty cool. That's pretty good. And now a quick word from our sponsors. Also, have you noticed that your shirts and or bags are often lacking in pins

from your good friends at Sands Pants Radio? Well, that's easily remedied by heading to our merch store on SandsPantsRadio.com and grabbing one of our pins. We have the Sands Pants Radioio logo and always bet on PierceD20 and Jackson's face that is a replica of his legally binding signature. Sold separately or as a set of three. Check them out at our merch store over at SandsPantsRadio.com. Wait, he, oh, okay, Darth Vader could choke a horse?

Yeah, Darth Vader. And a horse is nothing but neck. That is true. Also, again, you just wound the horse. You're holding things that are made of light. You fall off. You will be killed by yourself. Bissect the horse in half.

Spin wrong. Okay, can I pitch one more thing before Sam pitches, before we explore the moment? Because I have one that I think might... Okay, well, this is the final round. So I'm imagining... Because something that we've not thought about is you can actually turn these things off.

Game changer! So I'm thinking, what about gloves? The inside of which somehow protects you from the lightsaber. The outside of which is lightsaber, and you just slap and grab. You know what I mean? Okay. Imagine the scene from...

Like Wolverine, but shorter. Yeah, well, I'm imagining the scene from Indiana Jones 2. Carly Ma. I go up to Darth Maul and I reach inside and pull out his heart, disintegrate it. And in a way, with enough slapping, I could erase someone from existence.

It would take a while. You could put your hand on their head and turn it on and then just... I could grab... Like, you know, earlier we talked about smacking the Gungan in the head. Yeah. I could literally turn on my gloves and grab his face off. You could slap his lips right off his face.

You could turn both gloves on and clap. In the middle of his head. Nothing. Grab his weird ears, pop them off. Easy. Yeah. Go to shake his hand. That's a classic trick.

Oh, good day mr gun dude how you doing he's got no hand now yeah so that would be my final pitch yeah i think that's really good plus you can do like a hey shoot with a blaster and do the whole catchy thing yeah kind of catch it throw back kind of cool no but you can definitely deflect it using your hands yeah which i guess is just can't reach your back well and don't want to accidentally scratch the back of your head yeah i mean i mean you can pull your own brain out reach the back of your head you can't protect your back but like look light sabers can't can fuck yeah yeah yeah damn damn you need to be good at but yeah like lightsaber fights often result in someone jumping

over and trying to what yeah so okay what if what if what if so it's the same kind of concept there but if we have like a little, like a lever or a button, we can then like push and then it makes the, like, it come out further. Oh. So then we have like a giant hand-shaped laser that we can then. Why don't you just go unwieldily? Well, I'm going to pitch a weapon from a. Also, how do you then turn it off if your other hand is on?

Oh, no. What do I do? I'm going to pitch a weapon from a... Also, how do you then turn it off if your other hand is on? What do I do? I'm trapped in hell. You're like, Midas, touch. Everything you touch turns into nothing. Erase history. Oh, no. And then I grab my hand and squeeze my own brain out.

That's a show. The horror. The horror. Who? I wanted everything in the world to be gone and everything is. No. Well, I was going to say, you could, I guess, make it kind of like Wolverine-y. Oh, yeah. But again, still.

Anyway, Buster Sword. You know, Cloud Sword. Oh, huge. It's enormous. It's a huge sword. He uses it with one hand, so it can't be that heavy. Okay. It's light and big.

I mean, it's a lightsaber, so it's made from light. It clicks to his back, so that's fine. Yeah. Or it clips to your back, so it's a whole- No, you can turn it off, remember. You can turn it off. No, no, no. I mean, sorry.

The Buster Sword, as it stands, clips to Cloud's back, so it can't be that heavy. That's true. And if we're making a lightsaber, it's only going to get lighter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's in the name. How heavy is the light part of a lightsaber?'s only going to get lighter Yeah yeah yeah It's in the name How heavy is like The light part of a lightsaber Because it's got to be

Light as hell right I mean they throw Lightsabers all the time So it's really just As heavy as the hilt Yeah All you want to do Is make a longish

Kind of like The buster sword Yeah yeah What point when you're Taking it off your back Do you turn it on Well when it's not Going to cut my head off

Well I just wanted to check Because it's so big though That feels like you thought that was a trick question, but I'm like, I'll take the option where it doesn't hurt me. Where you don't die. Yeah. Because, again, it does protect you. That's pretty good. It's thicker.

That's kind of what I pitched. It's basically a thick saber. No, but it's a cool shape. And it's wider, so it also means deflection is going to be way easier. Oh, that's true, because it's flat. Yeah, because it's a cool shape. And it's wider, so it also means deflection is going to be way easier. Oh, that's true, because it's flat. Yeah, because it's flat. See, I think what we really should be doing is doing some offensive and defensive.

So basically everyone gets two crystals. Because, again, a shield is great, but it doesn't really protect the back unless you're always wearing it on your back. Kind of like a turtle shell. Lightsaber turtle. Heroes in a half shell. So if we have like a permanent, basically like armor, always there.

And then if you really want to, you could just like run ass first into your enemies. Well, I could disintegrate a Gungan. I just got to do it from the right height. Yeah. Not really. He's going to fall back. You're like, oh, Gungan, help and catch me.

Hey, Gungan, what's going on? You can kill someone with a trust exercise yeah i mean really what we've been working up to fishing this whole time is like a medieval knight yeah just entirely made of lightsaber right yes i guess yeah so like a full plate male but lightsaber but lightsaber male because you can hug someone out of existence. You still get a big sword. Plus you have the shield, which you don't really need at this point.

You can have it anyway. You deflect against blaster bullets because everyone just bounce off you. So like, again, using another Mortal Kombat, like Baraka. Everyone's got Mortal Kombat on their brain. That's good. We do. So you have basically like a knife

that comes out of your arms, right? So basically like full armor, which has like panels of lightsaber, but then you have like that weapon there. You're protecting your face. I mean, you don't... You have to have like maybe like a crusade thing across there we can peek out of. You can see out of, yeah.

You can probably just give yourself more of like a... Because like, if you're protecting your whole body and like your face is your weak point, it's pretty easy to just protect one little patch of your head. Yeah, your face is sort of always your weak point. You just see it because I can't put lightsaber over my eyes as aforementioned. You go blind. Or yeah, we go the Zammert route

and blind ourselves first. Then we can cover the whole thing. Doesn't matter. Yeah. I guess that is the perfect way. I mean, it's not sleeker. Zammert, Duscher and Yoda looking at their watchers being like, that is the time we allotted.

Got to settle on something. It's easier to use. Yeah, you just put it on. You just put it on, turn it off. That's pretty good. You've got a sweet blade there that you can use as your, plus you can't drop it, you know, because it's part of you. It is you.

Other Jedis can't use it against you by, you know, using like a force pull or whatever and grabbing it. It's funny to imagine Other Jedis can't use it against you by using a force pull or whatever. It's funny to imagine two Jedis fighting now because they're just hugging each other. It's like wrestling. It's MMA now. That's cool. I guess you just try to constantly stick your hand in their face. You try to get that blade thing in that little kind of slot.

And that's what we do. We make the slot where your eyes is, like the perfect sort of like shape and length. It's only fair, yeah. To just like a mailbox kind of situation where it kind of just fits. You're basically doing the three stooges poking you in the eye and then putting up your hand in between until you do it wrong and go blind.

But you're already blind. Or again, if you use like a sniper blaster and you're very good. I mean, that would be the trick too. But I guess you're just going to be switched on and off. You're just going to be paying attention. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, if you're very good. Yeah. I mean, that would be the trick too. But I guess you're just going to be switched on enough. You're just going to be paying attention. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, if you're not wearing the arm.

And I can't imagine it would take, what, like 10 minutes to get in? Also, like, this is the same problem we have with the horse. You're just going to embed yourself in the ground. Yeah. But forever. Jedi, stand on the battlefield, three, two, one, sink. No, the soles of your feet can't be lightsabers That's also a weak point

Don't kick No kicks But if someone force pushes you over Like the proverbial Tortle on its Back Goodbye Goodbye

Maybe back to the drawing board, Gangster. Shield and Bommi Knocker. Okay, the last thing on the shelf, the first thing pitched to us. The famous Bommi Knocker. Bommi Knocker and Shield. Yoda hadn't taken his seat yet. Thank you for coming to this meeting, Organized Eye.

Now, please, would you like to... Bobby knock your shield! All right. So, Bobby knock her in shield. All right. And quickly, because I feel like I made things before that I was like, this is what the lightsaber does. But Jackson, what is the most important category?

How much can it quickly disintegrate? Yes, yes, yes, yes, of course. I was put on the spot. I was stressed. But you're right. How quickly can it erase a g yes, yes, of course I was put on the spot, I was stressed But you're right, how quickly can it raise a gungan from existence I mean, it should So that's the, I guess, prime objective I mean, improve the Offense, defense

Keep the sleekness, but also keeping it I think we can do a lot of these as well as Raise a gungan from existence That's so exciting Okay And I think that's the almost easiest part I mean, like you said, it'll take a little longer as well as a Razor Gungan from a distance. That's so exciting. Okay. And I think that's the almost easiest part. I mean, like you said, it'll take a little longer,

but you can do it with the shield. Gungans don't know what's going on. But also, three swings with the Bummyknocker, if it's the right size. He's gone. Who is he? Exactly. Do you remember?

It's like a big bit of wood or whatever it is, and then like the chain, and then you've got, maybe not the chain, maybe we just get a mace. But no, I like the chain because it's like a lot of- You can swing it. It looks sleeker. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It looks cooler. You can thunk it in the Gungan's head.

Thunk. Ah, the swing though, because again, it's a lightsaber. It'll just go hit the Gungan's head, keep going, and then maybe just swing back into our head or hit the chain. So it needs to be more like that kind of mace. So I think mace is probably the best one. So shield and mace, probably the best option here. So a ball of light, saber.

Yeah. To kind of like really just kind of like puncture like holes into whoever we're hitting. Yeah. Gungan. And then the shield there for great deflection, as well as a good offense ability to then like, you know, turn off,, the mace, hold the shield, and then we charge or drop from a great height, turn it on, and then...

Gungan gone. Gungan's gone. Gungan who? I don't know. Well, you've improved defense with a shield and a mace because a mace will be able to defend from blasters from behind as well, much like a saber. The only issue is I feel like because it's a ball,

you can't control where the blaster bolts. Because if it hits, like, kind of... Well, I mean, how can you... I mean, a slide saber's a... Yeah, actually, that's true. That's true. That's true. I'm moving it fast, so it kind of was like a... You're shaking it like a baby's rattle. Yeah. Offensive obviously does more damage.

Yeah, exactly. It's bigger. It's not as sleek, but that's fine. We've had to sacrifice a little sleekness, but so be it. It is, I would say, slightly easy to use in a regular lightsaber, but you haven't made it too easy. And most importantly, Jackson. You can erase a Gungan from existence.

His family don't even remember it. Did we ever, Dad? I don't think so. I think I just arrived naturally. That Gungan, who? So I think the lesson that we've all learned today is sometimes

the loudest and first ideas are the best ideas and it doesn't matter if you finish introducing the episode or not you should just listen and on that note

I've been Joel I've been Jackson I've been Joel we're sorry Yoda mmm Yoda I have been he's impressed, yeah? Yeah. Mmm, paying you I am not.

Ah, dog. Hey, are you just fucking starving for new Sandspan's content? Like, you've listened to every episode of D&D is for Nerds twice, you've devoured all of Shut Up a Second, can recite plumbing the death star episodes word for word well do you know where there's a bunch of extra content you haven't heard yet sans pants plus for as little as five bucks a month you can gain access to an arse load of new shows just an arse load want to hear me get bullied as i try to explain unsolved mysteries and monster sightings baby that's jackson barely spooks america you want to hear adam guide you lovingly and gently through the confusing world of dnd well guess what son that's hey dnd it's me adam

and that's just the tip the very tip of the iceberg so head to sanspantsradio.com forward slash plus and sign up today for more content than you frankly deserve