Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Improve the Public Image of the Green Goblin?

Episode Date: February 25, 2024

Norman has a problem and no, it's not Goblin Madness, it's his public perspection. The good people of New York percieve him as a pumpkin throwing, skeleton creating lunatic and we here at Plumbing the Death Star want that to change! Join us on this journey of goblin-discovery as we attempt to fine tune Osborn's theme, embrace the military industrial complex and make promises to the voting public that we 100% can keep. Just remember everything we've said. We meant all of it.Links to everything in our linktr.ee including our terrible merch, social media garbage and where to become a subscriber to Bad Brain Boys+ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ahem, ahem. You're listening to the Sandspants Network. Hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star. I'm Joel. I'm Jax. And I'm also Joel. This is a podcast where we ask the important questions like, how would you improve the public image of the Green Goblin, obviously.

Famous piece of shit. Famous dirtbag. Norman Osborn, something of a scientist himself. Yeah, he goes, I'll get you, Spider-Man! I love to glide on my glider! Hoo-ha! Does he?

Anyway. So he had goblin madness in him, you know, sort of genetically. And then he huffed a bunch of goblin gas. And it brought the inner goblin, made it an outer goblin. And then he started terrorizing New York and Spider-Man. Taste my bombs, New York City. Transmitted to skeletons. Yeah, he turned his board into skeletons with his bomb.

And... You get a touch of a skeletor. Like a sort of tied skeletor. I'll get you, He-Man. If I was He-Man, I'd be like, are you alright, skeletor? My iron He-Man is I'd be like, are you alright, Skeletor? My iron, He-Man, is low. Fair enough. I'll cook you a steak.

Then we'll fight. But, again, think about the goblin. New York don't like him. Exactly. He's scary. He is. In the first film appearance of him, New Yorkers throw rocks at him. They hate him.

He's spooky dooky. Hey, you fuck with us, you fuck with all of us. That's a line. Hey, if you fuck with Spider-Man, you fuck with all of us. Exactly. We'll fucking kill you with these rocks, Green Goblin. The scenario with one of those rocks connected. Okay, before we get to the question, what happens if New York

kills the Green Goblin? As in, like, mob justice? Crowd of people. Spider-Man and the Green Goblin are fighting. Somebody, we don't know who, out of the crowd, slams into Green Goblin's head. He cracks like a fucking cantaloupe. He, off the glider, goes crazy. Crashes into

the ground. Green Goblin is dead. What happens? There's no the ground yeah Green Goblin is dead yeah what happens well there's no follow up Green Goblin Spider-Man probably well has less guilt because he hasn't killed his friend's dad I was trying to fight him

I mean legally what happens legally unless there's you don't know we don't know who's done it yeah unless the guy was like

I did it I threw that rock I guess yeah he gets brained cracked open it's revealed to be Norman Osborn, which is also like, that's something. That's something to deal with, yeah. He also was, at this point, had he already pumpkin bombed his board?

Yes. And he was basically terrorizing. He was terrorizing New York. Let's say this took place during the Spider-Man 1 Macy's Big TV Day Parade scene. I think you would just be, that guy, if there was filmed footage, or if people were like, it was him, Rockman,

he would be hailed a hero. That's so funny. Spider-Man menace, Rockman, hero of New York. Someone did something about it. Yeah, finally someone did something about it

and they got the guy that was terrorizing New York turned out to be disgusting billionaire Norman Osborn. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. Alright, fair enough. Actually, piece of yeah, absolutely. All right, fair enough.

Actually, piece of shit. Killed by Rockman. What a hero. Rockman, please come out. Reveal yourself. Yeah, I guess we don't get Harry Osborn Goblin. Yeah, no. He's just like, damn.

Damn, somebody killed my dad. My dad was about to bomb New York or some shit. Yeah. And then he got rocked in the head. Well, he'll probably be angry at the head rocker, man. He probably would, but. Hey, did Harry Osborn. Because he was like.

Because he hated Spider-Man for killing Green Goblin. Yeah. Because he saw. Yeah. Spider-Man bring him in and like. Yeah. But did he not see his dad throw pumpkin bombs at like crowds? Oh, actually.

Did he? Because things go down differently because Spider-Man hides Green Goblin's body. Oh yes, he does too. Because he takes him back to the house. So no one knows that Green Goblin is Osborn. So at this point, it's publicly like Whoa, holy shit! Oh my god, he was

the Goblin Man. And then Harry probably has a bad time but a different bad time. Yeah, yeah. He's talking to the mirror and the mirror was like, a guy with a fucking rock. Holy shit, dude.

If a guy with a rock could kill us, don't become a goblin. Don't put yourself in a home's way. I understand that you want that goblin madness. It's not worth it, dude.

Harry probably won't find the goblin lair because he won't want to throw a rock at the mirror because he'll be reminded of that time that his dad died. He'll pick up the rock and he'll be like, ah! What am I doing?

Oh my god, I've become the rock man! Yeah, he'll have to look at a rock and his dad's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! And I'm like, yeah, yeah. Things get confused and a rock appears in the mirror. Come in. Be the rock man, Harry Osborn. He's gonna get rock madness.

Dude, you don't want rock madness. Yeah, it's legally as well. I don't know if the rock man could be accused. He could be tried or whatever. But we don't know who he was. Yeah. I think, yeah, it would be self-defense because this guy's running rampage in the city. Yeah.

But he might not be hailed. They might not. Yeah, I don't know. If I was rock man and they were like, come out and reveal yourself. I'd be like, I don't know. The only thing that can stop a bad guy with pumpkin bombs is a good guy with a rock. Exactly. Exactly.

I think we should have rocks in schools. Every teacher should have a rock. Every teacher should have a rock. Yeah. Oh, Rockman. Just in case a bad guy comes into the school with a pumpkin. Yeah. Caveman.

This is a caveman conversation. I think you should have rock in cave. Man come pumpkin orange bomb rock. I think

founding ape man said we can have rock. Yeah, you have right to rock. Yeah. I have rock on me. Open carry rock. No hide rock.

No hide rock. Rock on my hip for defense. Hide rock Neanderthal. No hide rock. Rock on my hip for defense. Hide rock, Neanderthal. Yeah, that's true. Open rock, human.

Human. Yeah. It's good to have a rock. Yeah. With the head rock. Okay, so the Green Goblin, how do we improve his image? First of all,

I'm thinking, a goblin's scary. Yeah, yeah. And like, we can't get to the point, because there's been points where he's been head of shield. Of course. Yeah, of course. He's like, actually has reinvigorated., because there's been points where he's been head of S.H.I.E.L.D. Of course.

There's been points where he's actually has reinvigorated. He's been the president? No, he was head of S.H.I.E.L.D. I thought he was President Goblin. That was on me. He was I.M. Patriot, though. Yeah, he was I.M. Patriot, and I think he was at that point,

because he took out the Skrull leader with a sniper rifle, and everyone was like, maybe we can lock this Green Goblin. Green Goblin with a sniper rifle is so funny. It's badass, I think. Why does he have such a big gun? I think it's awesome. Unless he was just as

Norman Osborn at the time, which is disappointing. That's so sweet. Imagining William Dafoe with a sniper rifle is awesome. Yeah, it's cool. It's natural, even.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. It seems right. It seems so correct. Yeah. So yes, he became, I guess, head of that. But let's not worry about the times he's reformed.

Now he's some bullshit golden goblin. It's not worth discussing. It's lame. I'm talking OG green goblin. He's just killed Gwen. Exactly. He doesn't have secret kids with her yet. No, no, no.

He's flying around in his glider going, I'm gonna pumpkin bomb all of New York City. So the first thing I want to do is look at his whole imagery. What he's putting out in the world. And I'm like, I understand this. Look, what do we

call you? Mr. Goblin? Yes. Mr. Goblin. Now you've got this theme of Goblin. And I love that. I do. I have a goblin in my brain. Okay. That's okay. Of course you do. We can work with this.

We can work with that. So the Goblin's internal, right? Yes. Why don't we keep it internal? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have some secrets. Okay. Now, I know you've got this glider.

Yes. And you've got pumpkin bombs. Now, when I think Goblin, I don't think glider, nor do I think pumpkin bombs. It's a Halloween connection. Oh. Because pumpkins are, you know, that's Halloween theming. Is that? And in a way, it's always a goblin.

In a way. And you only do your crimes around Halloween. No. No. No, I'm just connecting the goblin. Yeah. Because what are you going to connect the goblin to in terms of grenades? We can brainstorm, but I'm also just like, okay, goblin, pumpkin, Halloween, never glider. I guess a witch's broom would be more appropriate for Halloween.

No. If you're going to be a Halloween-themed villain. Halloween. Okay, now, goblin. Yeah. How do you, okay, so basically, how do you feel about a rebrand where we focus on the pumpkin bombs and maybe we lose the goblin aesthetic? Are you imagining I wear a pumpkin mask?

No, we're imagining you wear... Like lose the villain Jack O'Lantern? No, no, no. He's already doing that. No. Okay. Who deals with pumpkins? Farmers. Green farmer farmer carry a pitchfork

okay what would my mask look like what about like i need to hide my identity okay how about this maybe like a scare cross what i'm gonna do is only jean overalls okay Okay. So like a scary, like a sack. Like a Hessian sack. A Hessian sack. Takes the chainsaw master. Yeah, and a wide rim hat over it to keep it in place. Yeah.

How do I stop the hat flying off? It doesn't matter. Yeah, straps. Okay, all right. You've already got your own little beanie hat that doesn't pop out. That's part of the mask. That's why I bring it up. We can sew it into the Hess. Okay, okay, okay.

And what will I throw? Pumpkin bombs. A glider. Now, well, we could have pumpkin bombs. Put wheels on it called a tractor. I was going to say, what about we make so instead of pumpkin, we can have an assortment, right? Yeah, okay.

Lots of different vegetables. Or like a harvest. Aubergine. Yes, aubergine. Aubergine. Yes, aubergine. Aubergine. Scallions. Yes, scallions. Potatoes.

Yeah, just potatoes like hand grenades. Like a harvest basket. Okay, carrots. Maybe you can have carrots in there and like glass that looks like a milk jug. Okay, sure. What we do is we redesign your glider and we paint it like it looks like a milk jug. Okay, sure. And then what we do is we redesign your glider and we paint it like it looks like a cow. It seems less menacing.

What are you talking about? Menacing? Like a cow's pretty menacing. Ever seen one up close? Yeah. Have you been chased by a cow? They can stampede. So you're telling me if I...

You know what killed Simba's dad? Cows, basically. A stampede, definitely. And cows can be in a stampede. So you're telling me if I... You know what killed Simba's dad? Cows, basically. A stampede, definitely, and cows can be in a stampede. They were basically kind of cow-ish. So the way my glider is currently designed... Do you know how many people food poisoning kills every year? I get the cow thing. Then you can throw steaks at people.

So what if you become the cow man? Okay. Here's... Why don't we do this? Okay. You decide on a theme, and then you come to me. All these ideas on the fly. What sounds good to you?

Well, I was exploring the farmer idea. Okay. Then he heard cow. Well, I was saying the glider can be a cow. So the way the glider works is like a flat plane. It's like two wings, And then I stand in the middle Now when it's a cow Am I surfing the cow

And the cow is moving sideways forward So the cow's not moving So there's a jet coming out of the cow's side I imagine it more like We put little bull horns in the front Okay So it's still a glider It's just cow themed It's more of like- So it's still a glider. It's still a glider. It's just cow themed.

Yes. It's kind of like one image of a cow. Yeah. You know, like it's kind of once, like you see it. Could it be a bull? Yes. Yes, it could be a bull. Could be a bull.

That's a bit more threatening. I don't know. I don't know if you'd call it a bull. Okay. And also, I guess- Are we married to the green farmer? Paul, how do you feel about it? I don't love it.

Got any suggestions? How attached are you to green? What about the agriculturalist? Are you okay? I don't mind that. All right, okay. Now we'll cook it. And now, and this one could be a tricky one,

instead of blowing up New York, how about you just go help the farmers? Yeah. What do you want to do? What about instead of blowing up New York, we blow up, say, companies that have been taking advantage of our farmers? Like Oscorp. Yeah. You know how Oscorp are?

Real sexy shit. Real sexy shit. They keep making kind of like monocrops and then copywriting those crops. And so then if the wind takes those crops, and then in Oscorp the pieces of shit that they are start suing other farmers, even though it's just like wind is taking those seeds. start suing other farmers, even though it's just like, you know, wind is taking those seeds.

And, you know, because of all the pesticides that Oscorp are doing, you know, you look at the farm, like the soil isn't very good. Like you take a little bit of cross-section. Like the biodiversity is just downhill. The goblin voice behind me sort of manifests, I don't think they know I'm an Osborne. Don't even get me started on that ugly CEO and that he's dumb shit, Sean.

I really don't know you're Norman Osborn. Have you seen his hair? Pumpkin bone, pumpkin bone. Skeleton, skeleton, skeleton. You're lucky you've got a meeting with him. Is there?

Floating off towards heaven? I think he was fucking Norman Osborn. I didn't know he was friends with Norman Osborn. What a robot to heaven. I can't be mad. I'm going to heaven. That's awesome. Eternal salvation.

That's awesome. Okay, so the farmer man tactic. I don't know how. Rebranding Greek Goblin as farmer man was my strong strategy And I am shocked to hear that it didn't go well I really like that you started You weren't like let's rebrand what he does

That was the thing you did at the very end Yeah I feel like He'll be so taken with the Farmer Man idea He'll do whatever we want him to I think that's the best strat You really gotta like sell him With the razzle dazzle of a new costume And a new name Cause that's the best strat, you know? You really gotta sell him with the razzle-dazzle of a new costume and a new name.

Because that's important. He needs a whole new look and then we need to get him to stop terrorizing New York. I think the tricky thing is, though, are we changing the Green Goblin's public image, or are we just making a different supervillain that's like more? Yeah. For a good question.

Maybe we just kind of, yeah, you're right. I could be like, we could just kind of shift towards an anti-hero. Yeah. And what if we just get rid of the green, just call yourself the goblin? Okay. Or drop the goblin and call yourself green. Hey, Norman, drop the green. So what do you imagine the green will do?

Well, he'll stay green. But he's going to lose the goblin motive. Okay. So what's he... Hey, here's a question for the three of us. What does the green goblin want? He wants to become president. I don't think he does.

He doesn't fucking... Oh, he wants to become the mayor in Spider-Man 1. I think he wants power he does. He wants to become the mayor in Spider-Man 1. I think he wants power. He wants power, but then... You and me, Spider-Man, we can rule this city together. You're all mayors, Spider-Man. Imagine it. New York City, the only city with two mayors.

They'll be eating out of our hands, Spider-Man. One mayor is a spider and the other mayor is a goblin. No city in the world will find those guilty. That's because he's like, I'm Halloween themed. Spiders are Halloween themed. Spiders are scary. Makes sense.

So apparently, a quick Google, the first thing is that he wants the goal of being leader of organized crime in New York City. Kingpin won't like that. That's a weird thing from New York. Here we go. Easiest rebrand in the world. Am I the goblin again? Yeah. Hello.

Thank you for coming into my office. I got a great idea for you. I'm listening. I'm not going to change your public perception, but also give you what you want. Take this gun. Kill Kingpin. Publicly.

Smash cut the Kingpin dead. Bullet in the back of his head goblin being arrested that's all right i'll pull the strings behind the scenes hey jay juna he stopped organized crime vigilante justice that's just like yeah iron man it's funny because you're describing spider-man he's vigilante justice he's a superhero for the people. He's just like Iron Man. So, yeah, I think the goals of comic book Green Goblin are varied and managed. So if we just go for the Raimi one, it was he wanted to rule the city together with Spider-Man. Because it was like intelligence and force kind of thing.

We're going to make the city better because we're... It's like, we're better than everyone here. We're brilliant men with brilliant minds. And you're a goblin. I mean, I'm a goblin. You're a spider. You're a spider. We're both scientists.

We can figure it out, put our heads together, and we could rule this city. What does ruling a city look like? Be mayor or president of the city. Could we get the Green Goblin elected? Okay. Green Goblin elected.

Every politician's a sack of shit. Why not vote for the one you know? It's better to vote for an arsehole you know than a mysterious asshole You've been drinking before this press conference Everyone's leaning at me and being like I think what you're saying

What you're trying to say is better the devil you know When you've got two assholes And one's one you know And one's one you don't know You're gonna take the one you know You're gonna go with the asshole you know You've seen the Green Goblin They both fought before shit But one you don't know. You're going to take the one you know. We're going to go with the asshole you know. You've seen the Green Goblin. They both fought before shit, but one, you know.

So Green Goblin, you know, he runs a company. And a country, if anything, is basically like a country. We've both been, we've come from a Christmas party. So he's a straight shooter. You see it? We know that. He's a straight shooter. He's a straight shooter.

He surrounds himself with a lot of intelligent people, like Spider-Man. He's a team player. He knows when the people around him do bad. Yeah. He just pumpkin bombs them. He knows when the people around him do bad. Yeah. He just pumpkin bombs them. Vote one man that will kill you. Jackson Bailey.

Jackson Bailey. Daily Bugle. Daily Bugle Jackson man. Big fan. We don't. Jay Jonah. He's my boss. Okay. The other candidates have pumpkin bombed nobody

Exactly What do you say to that? Better the odds or you know Next question Yeah, we want to know is why are they too cowardly to pumpkin bomb the people you're wrong Every politician has killed people That's just a fact Are you admitting that your candidate has murdered people?

He's not a politician. He runs a company. He runs a company, and he pumpkin bombed the board. Regardless. Have you asked the other electorals if they have guilt? You asked the other electorals if they had access to pumpkin bombs, and their board was being uppity? None of the other electorals have admitted to murder.

We haven't either. We just said. Can you define pumpkin bombed? Well, see, he was intense firing of the board. What happened to the board members? They got let go. They got let go. And then they had no flay. And they're skeleton people now. It's good for the board members. They got let go. They got let go. And then they had no flat.

And they're skeleton people now. It's good for the skeleton economy. We're creating skeleton jobs. Could you explain what a skeleton job is? What does a skeleton job mean for the average New Yorker? Well, it means when you die, usually that's that. But with skeleton jobs, we're actually giving everyone a second life. Yeah, you sit there as a pile of skeleton.

Uh-huh. I think you can fill in the gaps. Any questions? Any follow-up questions? I think it's pretty self-explanatory. Vote one mere goblin. Live two lives. Skeleton jobs.

It's funny to imagine you having to prove somehow that this is a skeleton job and just having a skeleton in the office sitting fluffed against the computer. Look at him go. A second life. He's doing so well as a skeleton. So employee. Employee of the month skeleton. Just like employee of the month on the wall.

Just a skull multiple times. He's killing it. He's really. He's got it for my job. We're trying it. Like we've tried really hard. I've been gunning for that employee of the month position every month. But skeleton's just so good at it.

And that's why pumpkin that's why green pumpkin you've not stopped drinking you've just not well I guess you did that you do that press conference then as you sober up

you're like oh fuck you do that press conference all the other all your other employees are becoming skeletons you'd be like

oh shit oh god I gotta be drunk. I've got to be maximum drunk all the time so that when I get turned into a skeleton, maybe I don't feel it. Yeah, you somehow get that confused with when you're drunk and you fall from a great height.

You're like, if I'm drunk, when I get become a skeleton, If I'm maximum relaxed, maybe the skeleton bomb will bounce off me. Makes sense. Okay. Great campaign. Thank you. Skeleton jokes. I vote for him

yeah okay let's imagine let's just imagine the scenario where the green goblin gets elected and you have to

make good on your promise of skeleton jobs just to be there like um okay I think it's just the two of you and then like a big

ban on this goblin bear. Okay. All right. Skeleton jobs. So I think I'd be injecting a stimulus into the economy with the incentive of hiring skeletons. What could a skeleton actually do?

Is there anything? Crash test on me? Doorstop? Doorstop? Doorstop? Paperweight? Security? I really love a lot of Mayor Goblin's promises, and I really love a lot of things he's done

for the city, but I do hate that I have to pay my doorstop. Previously, I didn't have to pay my doorstop shit. It's a government initiative. So is this your tax money going to the skeletons? So every house in New York has a little skeleton left up against the door.

A little skeleton tax. Well, maybe you can put the skeleton outside in security. It's like a bouncer. Yeah. You don't break in, but you get scared. Yeah. Oh, my God. Bones.

Yeah. Fair enough. Fair enough. Really? Every household gets a skeleton. Yeah. Can you look up the population of New York? Well, it'll be a bit smaller when we're done.

Okay. So you're going to kill? We've got to create the skeletons first. You're going to spend money to make one? I'm pulling Xamarin aside being like, we didn't promise we'd make more skeletons. That's true, but how did we get skeletons? We don't have to, it's natural. That's true, but wait, how did we get skeletons? We don't have to.

It's natural. Skeletons are jobs for the recently deceased. We don't need to make them deceased. I mean, okay, but we've got to wait then. It's quicker if we just go around. That's actually good for promises. If it's like a thing people have got to wait for, then they're like, oh, they're working towards it,

but we're not doing jack fucking shit. Okay, but you have to tell Norman that he can't skeleton bomb people. He can, just not publicly. And then we give those skeletons jobs. So now you're covering up the murders of the mayor. Okay, well, any murders that the mayor does, we dress the skeletons up in high vis. Not that he would. Not that he would?

Not that he would, sure, of course. Every politician has killed. Every politician. Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure, sure. We put them in high vis. Not that he would. Not that he would? Not that he would. Sure, of course. Every politician has killed. Every politician. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure, sure. We put him in high vis. Right. A little lollipop sign.

Yeah. And then we just put him out the front. Stop. Stop. He can't turn it around. No. Traffic is bad. Yeah.

And then we pair them with an alive person. Oh, who comes and rotates the sign. We've created two jobs. In a way. No, not in a way. There was two people that had no jobs, and now there's two people with one job. Okay, quick math.

Currently, we have zero people doing jobs. Right, that's fair enough. It's a real problem. Now we have person one, who. Right. That's fair enough. It's a real problem. Now we have person one who just happens to be a skeleton. He gets a job. We don't discriminate. How many jobs is that?

Well, that would be one job. And now we need someone to overlook and oversee the skeleton. Okay. So then we have to give them a job. How many jobs is that? That would be two jobs. So that's a 200% increase.

I think we've got a good job. And that's what the Mayor Goblin can guarantee you. We will increase jobs by 200%. And the skeletons are getting their money. They're not getting paid. No, you're getting paid. It's taxes. Well, no, it's taxes.

So the skeletons aren't getting paid, but we're taxing the fine people of New York City. Yeah, New York City. Okay. And that's going to the skeleton initiative, not the goblin initiative. Yeah. Don't look into it. GYC, Goblin York City.

Is there a goblin initiative? Well, internally, that's what the skeleton initiative might be called. I'm assuming we're funneling that into something. That money has got to go somewhere. Funneling the taxes that people are paying for us to employ skeletons into something. Gas? Goblin gas? Norman wants other things. What does he want?

He wants his mayor. What's the next step? What is he doing? Does he want to become president? Well, what's the next step? Once he's mayor, what is he doing? Does he want to become president? Well, yeah, because I guess he believes that, well, probably. Because he believes in what? Like, you know, force, like your right is mine. Yeah. And also believes that, like, you know, he's very smart.

He's figured it out. He knows what to do. And anyone that disagrees, well, we're going to get pumpkin bombed. Yeah. So once he becomes that, he's like, well. So what's the next step? What is the next step? What's the next step?

Political journey. Yeah. Is it president? He's got a lot of... what's the next step? What is the next step? What is his political journey? Is it president? Is that what mayors do? Mayor is one of those very nebulous jobs that I don't truly understand. AOC's the mayor of New York, right? Giuliani

was for a bit. Or is still? No, I think he's in jail. Not in jail, he should be. Yeah, okay. He'd find a lot of money. Why should a man who simply tried to fuck a teenage Not in jail, you should be. Yeah, okay. You find a lot of money. Why should a man who simply tried to fuck a teenage girl in the Borat movie be in jail? Yeah, great question. That is a crazy thing that happened.

Yeah. We got the mayor of New York on camera in Borat trying to fuck a teenager. Nothing happened. Nothing really happened from there. And then it's still in the movie. Yeah, yeah. That's crazy. Yeah. What?

That's so crazy. I'm just looking at, Oz Club had military cons. Are you finding out what a mayor does? No, I'm not. I'm looking at what Giver wrote. What's the journey of a mayor, though? I don't care.

A mayor runs the city, makes decisions, whatever. But presumably, you're mayor for a bit. And then he's like CEO of a city where it's like a title, but mostly a team do all this shit, presumably. I mean, you make the decisions, right?

It's kind of like our premier, right? Yeah. Yeah. Well, no, we have a mayor. Do we have a mayor? There's a mayor from Melbourne. Melbourne mayor. But what do they do?

What is the role of a mayor? You know what's fucked up? Mayors don't wear sashes that say mayor or pork pie hats anymore. They should. That's how a mayor should dress. Just so I can understand who and who is not the mayor. Exactly. If someone came up to me

and they're like, I'm a mayor, I'd be like, I bet they just wear like a fucking suit or some shit. Why would I not believe you? But if somebody came up,

a portly guy, I feel like a mayor should be portly too. I feel like that's what a mayor needs to look like. We can guarantee that our goblin will eat the finest pies

so that he will get in the shape of the idea. He'll be mayor-shaped. Yeah. Good. Good to hear. They act as the head of the local government, play a key role in the decision-making process,

and provide the leadership to the community. Okay. So I guess, yeah, it's just like prime minister or president, I guess. I don't know what the fuck they're different. For a small little community. So he's starting small. So he's going to be, let's make Hal part of the- Actually, no, I guess. Yeah. I don't know what the fuck they're different. For a small little community. So he's starting small. So he's going to be, let's make Hal part of it. Actually, no, it is.

It's exactly like a prime minister because a president doesn't have a king or a queen where a prime minister is, yeah, you're being royalty cocked. Yeah. Because the mayor can be like, we're going to do the stop and frisk that I think. Yeah, yeah, true. A certain piece of shit mayor that we're talking about. Then you could also be like, we're going to spend a lot of money in beautification of the city as well.

That's true. We're going to stop the pornos. Do you know what is, imagine being the Prime Minister of Britain. That's the most embarrassing job. Because at least the Prime Minister in Australia, you could pretend you're in charge. It's like, oh, King Fuckwit,

whatever his name is, Charles. He's far away and he's old. He's not coming here. If you're in charge. It's like, oh, King Fuckwit, whatever his name is, Charles. He's far away, and he's old. He's not coming here. If you're the mayor of Britain... Not mayor, prime minister. Prime minister of Britain. The other way around, dude. Like, the king is kind of ceremonial. Yeah, he's not doing shit. No, can't they overwrite the prime minister? I thought the prime minister...

Imagine being King Charles. Embarrassing. That's embarrassing. That is very embarrassing. It's embarrassing to be a royal. Got called on the phone saying, Oh, Camilla, I want to be your tampon. Yeah. If I could just get inside that vagina of yours and just soak everything up.

The royals are disgusting, dude. And being a tampon, awesome. Being a royal, disgusting. Did you like when Harry put dick cream on his dick, but it was also the lip cream that his mom used, so when he was putting dick cream on his dick, it made him think of his dead mom? What was the dick cream for?

You have a stinky dick or something? No, I think he had a cream. Why was someone putting dick cream on their lip? I think it was lip cream. Was it some kind of awesome cream that's lip and dick cream? Lip dick cream? I think it was lip cream. Oh, okay.

But then I think it was just- I think it's like lips. It was to soothe chafing of the penis, maybe? What did he- He was at war. And he was rubbing one on- Rubbing one on? Rubbing it on his cock.

Don't rub one on. And then got a whiff. Rub one out. And was like, I'm thinking of my dead mom now. Yeah, that's fucked up. While pulling on my cock. Yeah. Yeah, but was he- He wasn't jacking off. Yeah, no, was like, I'm thinking of my dead mom now. That's fucked up. Pulling on my cock. He wasn't jacking off. Yeah, I know.

That's what I'm saying. It would be worse. I'm using this cream to jack off. This lip cream on my dick is now soothing me and I'm enjoying it. And now I have a full-blown royal penis erection. Yeah, yeah. And then I'm also now thinking of my mom. That's bad.

That's bad news. But if it's just like, oh, I have an injury, a little boo-boo. I have a chafed penis. I have a chafed penis and I'm using this lip cream that once belonged to mama. And then I get the smell and, oh, I'm thinking of mama. I mean, it's not great, but it's better. But it's not intentional. Yeah.

It's still fucked up. Yeah. If the goblin, if. Okay. So basically, the way I can understand it is that he makes a whole team. Yeah. That then is like, cool, we can now, we're in charge of our small budget and we can make local decisions.

Okay. So we can be like, okay, we're putting money towards, say, a fire department, the police, we're helping with like R&D maybe. I think Oscorp is sponsoring a lot of things now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And cops are armed with goblin gas guns. I think if I was the mayor, I'd cut funding to everything except one thing and then just see what happened. Like imagine 100% of the budget into firefighting.

Whoa, dude, we'd never have a fire. But also what would happen to the fire station? They'd have so much money they wouldn't know what to do with it. Yeah. And they'd have to spend it because if they don't, then next year you're going, there it goes. You go to light your gas stove and a firefighter's like. There'll be a firefighter in every home.

I just want to cook my spaghetti. Dangerous. You might burn yourself. I'm employed 100% of the time to be in your kitchen and blow out your stove. And even just like, yeah, okay, let's put all our funding in education. I think... We're going to have

some smart kids. I think if you put all your funding... I'm going to do that as mayor. I'm just going to, rather than funding everything evenly and trying to figure out a nice balance,

100% in everything and then just rotate through different years. Well, all you're doing is passing the buck, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you put 100% of your budget, a genius thing to do,

into firefighters, then I want to say head firefighter or CEO of firefighting? Yeah, yeah. Chief? Chief fireman is going to be like, okay, I guess now I have all this money. Yeah. Okay, so then it's going to be like. He won't.

He'll be either. If he's at least forward thinking for the community, he might be like, okay, well now it's up to the fire department to say, do other things like, okay, we know health and safety, like food health and safety, like sewage treatment, all the things that local government do, the firefighters do.

That's a stressful person. That person is stressed. Unless it's the Joel Dusha policy that you have to spend 100% of the budget on one specific thing. The firefighters are like, we're going to spend it on the poles we slide down. 100% of the budget goes on to making them the best poles. It's frictionless. It's frictionless. Everyone's breaking their legs.

A lot of R&D went into these poles. I guess that's also what Goblin wants. Because again, they're very smart people. They're like, we want a lot of R&D. And so it's like, is his problem in the Sam Raimi universe, is his problem being like, everyone is stupid and they're doing things wrong. We need geniuses, like scientists, like myself, to figure these problems out and then we implement them.

And that's why we need a lot of money to Oscorp, the R&D department, and then I can finally make my sinister six. I think the way that Norman works in the Oscorp one is he's losing funding because all of his ideas are crazy. Yeah. Because he goes too big. Oh, that's right. He shows the glider off, and it crashes,

and everyone's like, actually, we hate this. And he's like, no! That's right. He's got a lot of military contracts, hence the pumpkin bombs. And he makes the gas to make super soldiers. And then they hate it because they're like, why would we want that? I'm guessing we're going to do a lot of money of New York is going to be into these harebrained schemes. And they may or may not work. Which is actually pretty similar to my 100% to the five. Kind of.

100% of New York's budget goes to Oscorp schemes. Do we think that because part of Sam Raimi's Goblin's plan was to duel Mare with Spider-Man, when he gets the Mare a role, do you think he'll make efforts to get Spider-Man in? I think what would happen is if Spider-Man agrees to join him, he'd probably gas Spider-Man with the goblin gas.

Whoa! Goblin man. Because ideally... Spider-goblin. If you're like, all right, Spider-Man, join me. We can be co-mayor. Spider-Man's like, okay.

Yeah, sure. So now, ideally, you want to not surround yourself with yes men. You kind of want Spider-Man there to be the voice of reason to sometimes say no and to also help

think out the problem. Everyone's always anti-yes-men when they're in a position where they would never have yes-men. Having yes-men would fucking rock. To have yes-men, dude. Is this a good idea? Yeah, dude. Great idea. You're a genius. I try and be a yes-man.

Yeah. Try and be a yes-man to everyone I know. Yeah, do this, dude. Great idea. You're a genius. I try and be a yes man. Yeah. I try and be a yes man to everyone I know. Yeah, do this, dude. Great idea, dude. Don't worry about the consequences. What could go wrong? Nothing. What could go wrong? You're the mayor.

You have mayoral immunity. Yeah. Worst case scenario, things go wrong, but you have a good time. And also that- You'll get over it. Nobody would ever think you were malicious. No. Just stupid. You know, if I'm like,

hey man, should I explore this sewer system? Yeah, dude. And you're like, yeah, man. You might find some cool shit. Exactly. Could find a gem in an alligator. Yeah. I get lost for days.

Weeks even. Of the mayor that got lost in the sewer. Oh, I'm a mayor. I thought this was just me and you. But say I'm the mayor. Yeah lost in the sewer. Oh, I'm a fan. I thought this was just me and you. But say I'm the mayor. Yeah. Yes, and? You become famous.

You become the first mayor to be lost in the sewer. I come out and they say my time in the sewer has taught me so much. Irreversibly changed me. I'm putting 100% of my budget into sending people into the sewers. There's so much to find. Sewers would be so stinky. It'd be so scary, I think. I actually got lost in the sewers, dude.

No, thank you. Being in the sewer surely must be terrible for your health. Yeah, I think it really is. Because you're huffing in shit fumes. Yeah, I think it's really bad. I think a lot of the people who do it in the deeper, more dangerous passes have to wear gas masks. Well, you'd have to because you're breathing in arsehole fumes.

Plus, I promise that a lot of cities have multiple layers of sewers where they have the main modern layer and then you get lower and lower and lower until you're dealing with 18th century plumbing. And that's where people want to be because that's the cool one. Yeah, exactly. Well, I think what would happen if

we got an elected mayor is we might get another department. Goblin department. The goblin department, but it would be the Oscorp department. Yeah. Where a lot of the problems that New York City faces might be approached more with science. Yeah, sure, sure, sure. Because that's what he kind of wants to do.

Absolutely. You look at Oscorp, without Norman there, but Oscorp, like when with Octavius in the second one, they're trying to do like, you know, they're funding Octavius. I mean, they're trying to fund his fusion sun thing to get clean energy to the city. And the third one, I don't know what exactly they're doing to Clint Marco, but they're doing something there. They've got some experiment going. They didn't necessarily want him in there, but they were doing something there they've got some experiment going they didn't necessarily want him in there but they were just fucking up some sand are they doing with sand?

it's like they put sand in a large hadron collider kind of but not really, it's like a vortex yeah what are they doing with all that sand? who's running that experiment? well they're making sand I always assumed and I don't know why, but they were doing it to a coyote.

That is an interesting angle to take. Okay. You don't know why. I'm not going to push. Spider-Man 3. When I was pushed to think about it, it was like, well, they're testing on the coyote

to make a sand coyote. I don't think that was the... No, dude. I think that's what they were doing. But I think this was the dumb thought I dude. I think that's what they were doing. But I think this was the dumb thought I had. Don't we know everything about sand? Okay. I don't think so.

It's an experimental particle accelerator. Okay. So it's... No, it's not to get a coyote. There's no coyote. You invented the coyote. I think I invented it. There's no coyote as far as I can tell. Okay, fine. Yeah, it's like they're just putting the sand in. They're accelerating the sand.

Yeah. Yeah. Why? Who knows? I think we're going to get to Sinister Six pretty quick. Yes, I think you're right. I think the Green Goblin thinks he wants to be mayor, but I don't think he really wants to be mayor.

No one wants to be mayor. Also, I said AOC was mayor before. It's actually Eric Adams. Nice try. What else can we do for the Green Goblin? She lives in New York, so I was a bit right. Yeah, that's true. Everyone who lives in New York is the mayor of New York in my eyes.

That's nice. What else can we do to fix his image? I'm trying to think. So we've tried changing the Green Goblin. We've tried getting him elected, giving him what he wants. Is there a way we could just make New York love what he's doing? Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. What we want to do is, all right, so we need to get him into the military.

Okay. So then he can become like the mascot that, say, Captain America was. Oh, Green Goblin punches Hitler. Yeah. Could be tricky. Could be tricky. Could be tricky. Because what he wants to do is, you know,

he wants to work for the military, inventing gadgets and gases and stuff like that to use on fellow human beings to kill them. Yeah, sure, sure, of course, of course. He is, you know, a death merchant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't hide away from this. No, that's just the case.

So what if we embrace this with the American military industrial coal miners? Okay, okay. I understand what some of you might not be happy with what we do. But what if we put on a happy mask? If the Green Goblin oversees fighting wars, you know, he's not on the home front. Exactly. Maybe everybody could morally find some great area to deal with that. Congratulations, Norman.

You're part of the big death machine. Yeah. Yeah. So we just ship him overseas to where perceived enemies of the states have. Yeah. And then nobody really thinks about it other than. Don't worry about it. He's actually a hero.

Yeah. We've decided we're going back to war with Iraq. People said that it was bad. Yeah. And in hindsight, yeah, because we lied about it and then did it for personal gain. No, no, no, shush. But this time we're telling you the truth.

No, no, no, shush. They don't have oil. They have nuclear weapons. Yeah. And the Green Goblin is the guy to find them. Exactly. I like that speech, but maybe Nick's where we were wrong. You don't want that.

You don't want that. Hi, America. It's me. I almost said the president, but I'm not the president. I'm the head of security. In the past, we've been at war. And the world is a war-torn place currently. Security, we're protecting.

And our borders have never been more dangerous. So we're going to protect our borders by sending Green Goblin to Iraq. The best defense is an offense

against a country that poses no threat against us. It's really hard to come and make a speech that's pro-war. Am I still on? Oh, shit. We have a lot of money invested in Oscorp. What about this for the Green Goblin? We put a big white sheet over the top of him. Two eye holes.

We say he's a ghost. And whenever he flies by, we're like, oh, spooky. Okay, okay, okay. And then we hire, I was going to say crisis actors, but no, I meant the opposite. I meant just actors. Yeah. As the Ghostbusters. And then that spices up a bit in New York.

Okay. Because everyone thinks ghosts are real. We do a press conference. And then occasionally ghosts. Ghosts and the Ghostbusters are real. Okay. Because everyone thinks ghosts are real. We do a press conference. And then occasionally ghosts... Ghosts and the Ghostbusters are real. Okay. What if we...

Enjoy your time in New York City, New York City. So it's a tourism thing. But also a lot... Tourism, right? Well, I guess like... I think there's something there.

There's something there. So what we do is maybe we can funnel a little bit of like, you know, that like, some of that Goblin fun to other cities.

Where they can maybe have their own like villains or whatever it's a marvel universe right there's already villains there

sure let's take ownership of this okay he may be a villain but he's our villain he's new he's new york

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green goblin green goblin green goblin green goblin green goblin green goblin green goblin green goblin green goblin green goblin green goblin Spider-Man, I love New York. Yeah. What if we take him down the angle that he works, like he agrees with the Daily Bugle and he's not actually, all he wants to do is beat the shit out of Spider-Man. Who is a menace.

Who is a menace. Yeah. He's really. An eight-legged freak. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. He's really just a spider catcher. That's all he is.

Yeah, absolutely. You know what the actual natural enemy of a spider is? A goblin. A goblin. Imagine this. You're in a cave and you see a goblin. What's he eating?

Spiders! Of course! We'll do a big campaign, a multimedia campaign where we're putting out like, you know, a menacing spider is slaughtered

by the hero goblin. He might not look pretty, but, you know, a menacing spider is slaughtered by the hero goblin. He might not look pretty, but, you know, that's what goblins do. They protect us from spiders. It's water. Never judge a book by its cover. It's what's on the inside that counts. Exactly. We lie.

We lie and say that the reason why Australia is so safe and they have not had a spider death in years is because of their natural goblins. Where in fact, Australia is infested with goblins, dude. You'd think they're kangaroos, but that's actually goblins with little hearts. Yes! I think that's smart. Most marsupials are actually goblins.

Goblins are marsupials. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're native to Australia. Native to Australia. I think the lie's getting out of hand. I don't think it is. And you're going to see one tomorrow night. When we unmask a kangaroo to show the true face of a goblin.

If we could just rebrand. Sponsored by Oscorp. Yeah, we can rebrand kangaroos as hopping goblins. If we can capture on camera a kangaroo eating a spider, I reckon that shot could be seen around the world. That would be pretty impressive. Just a little kangaroo with his little paws on a giant fucking funnel web. People watching it around the world being like,

what the fuck are they trying to do? What the fuck am I watching? And you see, just like in the real world, how a goblin eats a spider, our New York goblin is going to kill that menace. Are they talking about the Green Goblin and Spider-Man? Yes, we are. Green Goblin will kill Spider-Man.

Yeah, and that we can guarantee. Can they hear me through the TV? No. What the TV? No! What the fuck? I'm so afraid. But you love Goblin now? I love Goblin now. We did it.

Yeah, I guess the easiest thing to do is just reframe. You're just going to completely flip it. Yeah. New York already kind of doesn't like Spider-Man. And if we just make the Green Goblin a little bit New York theme, he's riding the Statue of Liberty. He's dressed like the Statue of Liberty. When he throws his pumpkin, he's holding it like the Statue of Liberty.

Maybe his new name is Our Lady the Statue of Liberty. Maybe he's slurping down a slice of real New York pizza. Maybe he's throwing hot dogs slurping down a real Like a slice of real New York pizza Maybe he's throwing hot dogs He's riding a baseball He's dressed like a member of the New York Knicks He's fucking a pie And it feels like Sweet apple pie

And that's God bless America Okay so I was thinking about eating an apple pie, but then he's already eating a pizza. Yeah. But there's nothing more American than a sweet apple pie. It's not America's New York we're trying to do. He should be fucking a New York pizza.

You're actually right the first time. He's fucking a New York pizza. He's throwing hot dogs. Maybe his glider can be like a hot dog cart. Yeah, that's great. He says, hey, Spider-Man. He's got a new accent. Hey, Spider-Man, I'm gliding here.

I'm freaking gliding here. I'm going to eat you. I'm going to eat you. We'll still do that. And I'm still the mayor, apparently. And a farmer. He's got a sash. I'm putting 100% of funding into firefighters.

You can mock my words, Spider-Man. I will kill you this Saturday night. Spider-Man starts flipping. Live on TV. Just rocking back and forth like, what the fuck has happened? The gobbled madness is eating away at his brain. And he's like, no, no, no. And he points out to us three on the street.

We're like, yeah. You're nailing it, dude. You're killing it up there. Kill him live on Saturday Night Live. Don't kill him now. On Saturday Night Live. Dirty Rockefeller place isn't far from here. Spider-Man just perched now on like a gargoyle.

What the fuck? What is happening? And then we go up to Spider-Man afterwards and we're like, hey, I represent Saturday Night Live. Lorne Michaels sent me. He said he's got a free ticket for you. Would you like to be a guest host? You want to host? We could have a monologue. Saturday Night Live, Spider-Man? Your musical guest is Taylor Swift.

Yeah, yours. Okay. He's going to die live on Saturday Night Live. Pete Davidson's going to hate what he sees. Did we approve the Green Goblin's public image? Yes. Let's reflect. Okay.

Well, we kind of made it worse. He's a mass-murdering lunatic. Yeah. So at worst, who have left this neutral? This is a rare situation where Plumbing the Death Star kind of made it worse. Yeah, I think you're right.

Except for maybe when I sent him to Iraq. That probably made him worse. Well, I think you're right. Except for maybe when I sent him to Iraq. That probably made him worse. Well, in some people's eyes. But he's now a veteran. Yeah, that's true. He's a veteran, yeah. God bless the troops. I might borrow, when he says he's a veteran,

I might start saying me too. Stole some valor. I want to steal valor so bad. And it's good if you just say me too, because then if people question you, you could be like, oh, I was talking about someone else. Sorry, I was texting. What?

Yeah, I was just texting my girlfriend. She said, would you want some pie for dinner? I said, me too. Oh, I thought you were saying you're a veteran. No, I am. I'm still texting. Are you a veteran or not? I am a veteran. Sorry, I'm just texting.

I'm just texting. I'm talking about being a veteran of Donkey Kong. I've played heaps of it, dude. Are you trying to steal valor? Yeah, dude. I love stolen valor in Donkey Kong. I'm still texting. I'm texting my girlfriend, dude.

She's so hot. Dude, she's hot. You wouldn't know her because she lives in Canada, but we play so much Donkey Kong. We play Donkey Kong, Donkey Kong Country. Two, one. I fought in Iraq. In Donkey Kong. I mean, because I'm still texting my hot girlfriend.

I have a kill count of 16. And they gave me a purple heart. Donkey Kong never fought in Iraq. Sorry, dude, I'm texting. This is actually rude. What are you saying to me, dude? I'm actually kind of in the middle of something. Did you say you have a purple heart?

Yeah, of course. I've got two purple hearts. Yeah, I'm actually kind of in the middle of something. Did you say you have a purple heart? Yeah. Yeah, of course. I've got two purple hearts. Yeah. I did two tours of duty in my time. Can I help you? It's actually really rude that you're reading over my shoulder my texts. You're just playing Candy Crush. Okay.

Fuck. Fuck, dude. This game's so fucking hard. Let's break. Let's only do. How am I fucking mad? Where the fuck's the one that looks like? Oh, my God.

Fuck. I wish I was back in Iran. Dude, are you good at this game? I'm fucking losing all the fucking time, dude. Okay. Everyone's so fucking mad at me. Everyone's so pissed off with me, me dude because I fucking suck at fucking candy crush

everyone hates everyone in my real life hates me because I'm so proud of this fucking candy if only I was part of the

military give me some respect fucking soldiers get heaps of respect don't they dude I bet they get

heaps of pussy too true dude true dude for me I mean I'm in Donkey Kong I mean because you know

they do because I'm a veteran I'm a veteran actually I mean sorry I'm in Donkey Kong I mean cause you know they do cause I'm a veteran I'm a veteran actually I mean sorry I'm in Donkey Kong in Donkey Kong dude I'm texting anyway get out of here

get out of my ass you're wrecking my game scream scream um so yeah that's how we do it yeah yeah okay okay

fixed fixed everyone loves Green Goblin tick we nailed it big tick it's another successful bombing that I saw

any controversial things he did at least one guy would have liked it. So that's fine. That's good. Is that one guy being all woman? You've got to change hearts and minds.

It starts with one person. A revolution doesn't start with a wimper. Anyway, thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Plumbing the Dust. I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've also been Joel. Just remember everything I've said. I meant all of it.

Goodbye. Thank you.