Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Kill Father Christmas?

Episode Date: December 19, 2021

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I bet all y'all out there were wanting to start your 2022 right. Well, too bad, because Plumbing the Death Star is here to ensure that you start your year wrong with a brand new live show at the Comedy Republic. In 2019, we did an episode called How Would You Curse a Small Village that came out so heinous we couldn't put it on the public feed. And now, inadvisedly, we're putting it on the public stage by giving it another go and asking once again, how would you curse a small village? February 19th, 5.30pm at the Comedy Republic.

Tickets are $20 and you can grab them right now from the Comedy Republic website, link in the show notes below. Once again, that's February 19th, 5.30pm at the Comedy Republic. Come see Plumbing the Death Star live and think to yourself, yuck. You're listening to the Sands Pants Network. Home of comedy, culture, adventures, and ghosts.

Hey everybody, happy Christmas week and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star. I'm Joel. I'm Jackson. And I'm also Joel. And today's been a fucked year, so we're asking a fucked question. How would you kill Father Christmas? Today has been a fucked year. Yeah.

That was interesting. Today has been a fucked year. Today has been a fucked year. I would say it's been a day. It's been a fuck year. I would say it's been a day. It's been a regular-ish day. And so Santa Claus, he's Father Christmas, jolly old Saint Nick. Should be jolly old Saint Dad.

Yeah, I reckon. Look, here we are, jolly old Saint Nick. Should be jolly old Saint Dad. Yeah, I reckon. Look, here we are just struggling to get by. Yeah. And my loved ones are like, hey, where are my presents? And here's me completely forgotten. I don't know. I don't know. Oh, fuck, I've got to get my wife a gift.

Hang on. Anyway, while I order that, yeah, I've got to stop getting upstaged by Santa Claus. So I want to just take him out with a brick or some shit. stop getting upstaged by Santa Claus so I want to just take him out with a brick or some shit. I think that the world has been free of jolly for two years yet he gets all the jolly because he's jolly old Saint Nick and I'm sick of it. We need next year

to be Christmas free. We need a year off. Little kiddies will come down and what's under the Christmas tree? Fucking nothing. You know what the worst thing about Christmas is? It's hope. It's that feeling of hope. Exactly. Because it's like, oh, yeah, this will end the year nicely.

We're going to have a good time. And then, bam, get smacked in the face by, I don't know, some uppy dog or some shit. Exactly. Imagine you're like, oh, it's actually going to be no Christmas this year. Who gives a fuck? Yeah. That's what we want to achieve. It's just another day.

It's just another day. It's not special because there's nothing there that can disappoint me. Yeah, exactly. So we're going to kill Father Christmas, obviously. Santa Claus is dead at our hand. All right. So my plan, pretty straightforward. Let's hear it.

Step one, milk and cookies. He loves them. Step two, hit him with a bat. Walk him right in his big round fucking Santa Claus head. Yeah. With this here bat. Yeah. And then just don't stop clocking. All right.

Yeah. So, okay. Apart from your steps. Oh, no. Yes. What? My plan short-sighted. Because presumably killing Santa Claus is still murder, which last time I checked is a crime.

It is still murder. So hitting him repeatedly, clocking him repeatedly with a bat. Yeah, going for just all-out assault does seem like it's going to have the most consequences. Yeah, because I'm going to clean my house. Because then now you're going to go on the run. Yeah. Okay. Look, I got an idea.

It's very similar to yours, James. I think I can help you out. I think that we together, when we form this beautiful gel brain, can come together and absolutely decimate Santa Claus. So the thing is, you've got to get Santa Claus. Grenade in his milk. Yes, we've got to kill Santa Claus, right. But we've got to do it quick.

Because if we're the last people to kill Santa Claus, then what's the point? He's already done. You can only be the first person to kill Santa Claus if you're not first, you're last. As in, if we're like, sorry, I'll ask. If Santa Claus has already given... The first person to kill Santa Claus if you're not first, you're last. As in, if we're like, sorry, if Santa Claus has already given... The first person to kill Santa Claus is also the last person to kill Santa Claus. Yeah, exactly.

If you're not first, you're not anywhere. If you don't kill first, you don't kill at all. What I meant was that we need to kill Santa Claus before he delivers presents. So we have to be like... Because if he was already delivering presents, and then we kill him in the last house, then what was the point? Well, yeah, that's true.

Everyone's like, oh, Christmas is great. And then the elves have 12 full months to figure out who you see. That's quite a new guy. One of them will just chuck on a, they'll be like, I'm going to swap the green for red. I'm Santa now. Fuck, suck.

Shit. So we've got to be the first. We've got to be like, where did he go first? Now I know that I believe it is the Samoa slash Christmas Islands that celebrate Christmas first. Now, the dateline goes east to west. You're looking at me for some reason. Don't you dare fucking look at me.

I sometimes call geography geometry accidentally. Western Australia is after us. So, yeah, so it goes east to west, right? So what we've got to do is that we've got to be the first house on Christmas Island. Now, that's great and all, but as you just said, that murder is a crime. It's illegal. Hang on, can I just double check something? Did you just say that Western Australia is east?

No, Western Australia is after us in terms of- Western Australia is east of some places. Western Australia is east of, like, other countries. It east of some places. Western Australia is east of other countries. It's east of places that are further west of us. Just not east of Australia. It's west of Australia. No, it's hence in the name. I guess there's parts of Western Australia

that are more east than other parts of Western Australia. Yeah, there's east parts. There's east-west Australia. Yeah, there is east-west. There's east-south-west Australia. That's a place. No one calls it that for obvious reasons. There is East West Australia. There's East South West Australia. That's a place. No one calls it that for obvious reasons. I mean, they shouldn't.

I guess you could have North South Australia too. Well, yeah, I guess you can. You can have the northern parts of South Australia. You can have like West Victoria. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but that's not fun to say. West Victoria. Yeah, exactly.

You can have like West Northern Territory. Yeah, exactly. That's sick. Yeah, West New South Wales. Australia has really stupid names. It truly does. Because the holdover from the fucks that came over there. Actually, New South Wales.

We have South Wales. What shall we call this place? I've got a crazy idea. I wish it was New South Wales, New North Wales, New West Wales, and New East Wales, and that was the four states of Australia. You're like, this is nothing like Wales. Most of Australia is nothing like the country of Wales. No, no, this is kind of a little like South Wales. Maybe the South of Wales.

Did you go to the South of Wales? Not recently. Is it wet? What do you mean? Is it wet and dry? It is pretty funny that New South Wales is more northern than Victoria. Because of the bite. You could have just called it Wales and then we become South Wales.

We should really be New South Wales. Why didn't we become New South Wales? New South Wales becomes New Wales and Queensland becomes North New Wales. New Northern Wales. Yeah. That would be good. That would be nice. We should have been there.

That's what I'm talking about. Don't worry, fellas. We'll take it from here. Give us that map. We got this. All of us is mostly like Wales. Jackson, if you... Tasmania can be...

Little Wales. Detached Wales. Little cold Wales. Slug Wales, but colder. Wales is cold. Yeah, but it's a bit colder. Little tiny island Wales. Island Wales!

New Island Wales! Oh my god, this is so good. And someone was like, we've gone a little bit further west and we found something I want to call South Australia. Shut your fucking mouth. That is so good. And someone was like, hey, we've gone a little bit further west and we found something I want to call South Australia. Shut your fucking mouth. That's so wrong. It's not Australia anymore.

It's called PIS. This is West Wales. Just completely changing an entire map of Earth to be all in reflection of Wales. North New Wales? Northern New Wales? It's like Indonesia. The equator?

No, no, no. It's the Wales line. Although if they discover then like South Australia after sort of like Victoria, you could be like, well, then Victoria or in that world, it would be old South Wales. And then this can be new South Wales. Victoria is more South than South Australia. Yeah, but it can be the new one. That can be new south wales and south australia yeah but it was there can be the new one that can be the old one and then if we keep going further then we can have like an old

one a new one and a present you mean old new south wales and then you'd have no you'd have present new south wales i love the present south wales like scurrying all the pandemics off with like the border between New South South Wales and North South South New Wales. It's closed. Wait, between where? Which one? But don't worry,

because you can easily get a travel permit to travel between New New South Old Wales and West New Old South New Wales. I'm scared to leave the house, and it's not related to the pandemic. Where am I now? If you're trying to get to future South Wales, all you've got to do is bypass old North Wales.

Where am I currently? I'm so afraid. Wales! Okay. It's all Wales. All Wales all the way down. Okay, so you go to Christmas Island. So you need to be the first house on the eastern side of Christmas Island.

But the problem there... House number one. The problem there, though... That's cool that someone lives in house number one. That's true. But the problem there is, if we do the commit murder, as you said, that's assault and murder of a father Christmas, and that's a crime. So what we need to do is we've got to get a boat.

We've got to get a houseboat and a houseboat with a chimney and go into international waters, because crimes aren't a thing in international waters if I'm left to believe from 80s films. Okay, how's this for a plan? And also, it means that it's an accident, so even though it's not even a crime, even if it was on land, houseboat with a chimney, it's a trick because Santa goes to land in it, go down the chimney. But we actually have the, it's not actually a moving boat. It's planted and the chimney goes straight to the bottom of the ocean. Yeah, chimney goes straight through the boat.

Yeah. Then with like, and a cage. And so then when we listen and we hear him go like, yeah, chimney goes straight through the boat. Yeah. And then with like, and a cage. And so then when we listen and we hear him go like. They tricked me. They pulled the fake boat trick on me. We close it quickly and then we drown the fuck. Yeah, but I reckon. Well, I think if it's, I mean, if you,

because boats don't have chimneys typically, but they do have smokestacks, which go right into a furnace. If you disguise the smokestack like a chimney, so we disguise the boat as a house. So you just get a little house in the middle of the ocean and Santa's like, that's not typical, but I would be remiss to admit

what we do is we get we build a jetty on the eastern side of Christmas Island. Too complicated. What are just about a normal boat that's disguised as a house? Yeah. And then Santa, he's like, this looks like a chimney to me. A brand new house. A brand new sea house.

They must be doing sea houses. How exciting. Let me clamber down this chimney. Oh no, I'm on fire. Yeah. Also, typically, in Santa traveling down a chimney, does he park his reindeers and get out,

or does he fly his reindeers down? How heavy is it going to be for your boat? Yeah, and also, this is the first house, so that's a lot of presents on that house. Oh, this is, we might drown, boys. You two sitting in there waiting. Wait a second. Living in the first house is actually the most dangerous place on earth.

You take Santa with you as you all drown in the briny dirt. Can reindeer swim? Can reindeer, I'm looking this up. Yeah, you look that up. Well, I guess as you fold out, it's good to imagine like as the boat's sinking, you turn to Zammert furious with this whole idea and just pull out your bat. It would've worked. It would've worked.

I'm gonna hit him underwater, okay? Trying to hit him in the slow motion of the sea. Donk! An adult reindeer can swim four to six miles per hour. The reindeer will be fine, but Santa's not gonna be. Although they're reindeer that they're swimming, but they are attached to each other with harnesses, so I reckon that's not gonna be good for them. reindeer that they're swimming, but they are like attached to each other with harnesses. So I reckon that's not going to be good for them.

Synchronized swimming. Yeah, that's true. Or you get tangled in the harnesses. Go down with the reindeer. Can reindeers synchronize? Imagine drowning as you're being bitten by reindeer at the same time. That would be so painful. Yeah.

There's nothing as soon as reindeers can't synchronize swim. Yeah. Here's something Okay so Santa doesn't typically Come to people We've been good Have you been good and you're both over 30 So I don't know if Santa comes to you After a certain point

I think we've kind of been good I mean applauding the death of Santa Where do we fall I guess the moment you decide to kill Santa, you've pretty much negated any good you've done the rest of the year. Okay, okay. Is this episode so single-handedly getting us on the naughty list? Yeah, I think so.

Fuck! Okay, okay, okay. So we have to commandeer. How am I going to get an Nintendo 64? Wait, but hang on! I got this, I got this! Alright, we just find a good boy, or good girl, and all we've got to do is kind of like in great expectations,

anonymously be a provider of a benefactor, anonymous benefactor of a good boy or girl to go and build a beautiful houseboat. Yeah, okay. And then when they do it, we're like, we're going to give you so much money to go to college. Are they a child? Yes, they have to be a child.

So a child receives an anonymous check. Yes. That's like build a boat. So a child receives an anonymous check. Yes. That's like billboard. It's an anonymous contract, which is basically like- Okay, so- You've got to find a great expectations boy, all right? So what you're doing here is you're pretty much knowering a kid. Yeah.

You've got to build a boat. You've got to build a boat so you can go to college, so you can fall in love with the crazy lady daughter, you know? I've never read Great Expectations. What does this letter mean? I am 12. Here's what I keep thinking. Say he does land on your boathouse, okay? And

you've been bad all year. What's in his sack? Coal. Heaps of coal. Then he drops into your furnace and your boat goes crazy. The fastest boat's ever gone! Fastest boat in the world as Santa burns to death inside your furnace. I forgot to say it. Even though he'd be naughty, he's still going to give us coal.

He's going to punish you. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah. And he'd be excited because he'd be like the first house on his list to punish. Yeah. He might be like, I'm going to be like not as wary. Yeah.

And his guard might be down, which is perfect for us. We never discussed this, but what is the moral line for stealing all the presents? Well, I feel like once you've committed murder, it doesn't matter. Do whatever. Also, again, it's like we're trying to... Find us keepers.

Do I have to launder the presents? Well, no. You don't have to. You can keep them. You can do whatever you want. You don't think that the cops will be suspicious when I'm riding around my house on a little tricycle and they're like, did you get that for Christmas?

Yeah, I did. I'm the only one that did. I got all these stuff. They open up my garage and it's full of tricycles. All of these? Yeah. I was a really good boy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because again, we're trying to really diminish Christmas here. For sure. So I guess the best way is also to, also to make sure those presents don't get delivered. Just, I mean, like, the houseboat idea again, the presents end up in the sea, perfect. Yeah, that's fine. It's like Titanic 2. But a dolphin gets a tricycle, and that's pretty neat.

Dolphin don't have feet, can't wheel a tricycle. Oh, hey! They got mouth in flippers. Could a dolphin ride a tricycle? No You sure? Yes

What if I could sit on the seat So it could put its guts on the seat It puts its belly on the seat And then it bites the handlebars And uses its like flippers To I guess the trick is that it can't pedal

The pedals are like In front of the seat So if you put If you got rid of the seat, made it longer. Yeah, I feel like at this point it's barely a tricycle anymore. But they can bend their tail. Yeah, I think they could do it. I reckon they could give it a go.

I don't think it'd be. But they couldn't do both pedals at once. They could only do one pedal. Plus they'd be underwater. So what is he even doing? Here's maybe a problem for you with your Bose house. My Bose house. My Bose house. Your Bose house idea.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. If the presents fall in the water, sack opens, what's washing up on shore on Christmas Island? All the presents every kid was going to get. Not even just on Christmas Island, but because of ocean currents. People are going to be, we've actually made more hope. Yeah, you've made Christmas longer. Even though we've delivered Christmas.

Even though we've like maybe killed like Father Christmas. Yeah. And like maybe killed like like Father Christmas yeah and like maybe ruined like you know Christmas from like there on in but there's gonna be like this thing where like oh no

oh I mean for them oh yay but for us oh no is that yes presents could be delivered whenever a dead reindeer

washes up on the shore presents in its guts alright yeah yeah yeah yeah presents hooray but no then there's presents in the reindeer's guts and everyone's like even better I don't know what happened to your mind Oh right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah That's good. VCRs. But it's just giving the hope of Christmas. No, but maybe Dusha's right, because if my VCR, if I'm on the beach and a VCR washes up, I'm like, yes, but then I open it up and it's ruined. You've given me hope and then taken it away in one instant. What toys could Sansa deliver that wouldn't be ruined by being in the sea?

Things that are just plastic, like a rubber duck, for example. Oh, great. If you're getting a rubber duck for Christmas, you're not stoked anyway. I mean, how... Rubber ducks. So yeah, like VCRs, fucked. But like if it's... iPods, fucked. Cassettes, fucked.

But if it's wrapped in a lot of plastic, like shrink-wrapped and everything, and it hasn't been torn, there might be a chance. But it's been under the sea. Yeah, but how much can it like, you know... Candy, fucked. Any canned goods. Candy's good, it's got salt on it now. Salted, salted licorice.

It depends how long it's been there for, and depends how, like, I don't know, torn up the packaging is. I guess people in Christmas Island are gonna get them pretty fresh, but, like, on the other side of the world, you're getting them... It also depends on how... Because I'm imagining, like, like, a whole, like, ship container, like, one of them

falling in and then it'd be kind of sealed I guess yeah but they're in Santa's sack so I don't know what the rule is yeah

cool to imagine Santa's skull washing up yeah but also the problem of everything washing up is it is constantly reminding people

of Christmas yeah so then they also might be like oh remember that holiday and maybe we should kind of reignite it we want to kind of

really wipe it out yeah that's true I feel this is just kind of once again leading into that hope yeah just want to go back to santa skull idea i reckon santa skull washes up on the shore missing link confirmed they study it they're like this is a fucking australopithecus right here santa was a caveman oh me deliver presents It makes sense It does make sense That's what all the scientists will say

They'll be like Oh We didn't actually think about that But now that we are thinking about it It makes sense Somebody will be doing a TED talk They'll have a picture of Santa Claus And a picture of like a sloping forehead caveman

And then the slide will like Line up Merge them together Oh yeah So you get like a Santa Claus And you shave his beard and remove his hat because the hat was just covering. Exactly. His sloping forehead and his huge forearms. How do you think you're so quick and can wrestle those reindeer to get him under his control?

Exactly. Santa, everybody, nobody depicts it, but he's got a huge club for clubbing his enemies. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, shit. Santa gets in the furnace and you're like, we've got him. And then you hear, as he climbs out and just beats you to death with a club. That's right, Santa's a caveman. We fucking forgot.

We fucking forgot. And then he squishes you. Survival of the fittest. And he survived. And now a quick word from our sponsor. Do you miss the episodes where we'd ask the important questions like, hey, what do you think is going to happen in an upcoming film? And the companion episodes where we ask the important questions like,

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once again that's baseless speculation available on iTunes, Spotify or wherever else you dickheads get a podcast from YouTube vs a caveman on a boat would be awesome to see I just love to watch that because you know he's like he doesn't know how to be on a boat neither of you really know

a big big club he's swinging it wildly and a boat is tiny it might get stuck on the wall or he like swings it you roll out of the way And it springs a leak There's lots of potential For excitement Yeah yeah

There's a lot of And when you chuck in A couple of reindeer in the mix Yeah absolutely Oh my god What a beautiful scene They're making this snort And it's crazy

One of us jumps in I'm like cavemen can't swim And he's like looking over us He puts the club down And dives in I'm like I was wrong Cavemen can swim really well Oh shit but don't worry

At least the reindeer can't pshh pshh pshh. Oh no! Why do the reindeer want to kill you too? We've upset them. With our existence. Yeah, that's a fair call. Let's explore just the basic killing Santa with a club or

a baseball bat. Because what do you do? Santa's dead. Yeah. See, this is the problem. This is the only reason I don't think my plan works. Yeah, because like, what do you get? You gotta get rid of a baseball bat. Because what do you do? Santa's dead. Yeah. See, this is the problem. This is the only reason I don't think my plan works. Yeah, because you've got to get rid of a sleigh. You've got to get rid of 12 reindeer. You've got to get rid of all of the presents for most of the people in the world.

And also, it would be very, very, very... So I've murdered someone that is of significant public interest. Yeah, people like him. And also, people pay attention to where he is, because you'd be able to track, okay, this person's up to this point. Yeah. Joel Duce's house.

Then Santa's dead. Yeah, because I was thinking it'd be very easy. Let's ask him one question. Did you kill Santa? He goes, yes. Yes. Oh, I want to speak to my lawyer. 100%.

Because there's that problem of like, yeah, it'll get to a certain point and then anyone investigating will be like, all right, up in this area here or this boundary line, anything kind of like west of that is innocent. But anything on this line, you're fucked. And then the cops are driving past your house and they see you on the front lawn with a wood chipper

just pushing in reindeer antlers. All right, all right. Did you explain where you got those? The wood chipper? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got it from Harvey Norman. To avoid any suspicion, you may need to be on the cusp of some of the last houses

to get Father Christmas. And that is... You've gone first house. I need to find last house. So no one's suspicious until next year, and then they're not even thinking about it. Yeah, they're like, hey, is Santa here? No.

Oh, well. Maybe he never existed. You could fake it for the last couple of houses as well to throw off suspicion. Hey, we're going to the same kind of place because the second to last will be the American Samoa. Yeah, there you go. I mean, that makes sense because, like, I don't know. Look, I don't know if you guys know this, but the Earth is round. Yeah, that is true.

So... We can save money on the flights. Wait. In this scenario, did you kill Santa and then at the beginning no it's two attempts and then

douche is killing him at the end oh yeah just cover bases if the houseboat doesn't work in the club on the last moment

of Christmas as you two swim to shore and you see Santa fly away douche we've got 24 hours to fuck him up

now we'll try it my way nothing good we've got 23 hours to get to American Samoa I'll say happy boxing day and then I'm going to biff him in the head dead on the ground

so what are you doing with the reindeer? how do you get rid of them? you get 12 reindeer, magic take them to the pound hey I found these hello hello American Samoan pound I have these. Can you put these down? Hello, American Samoan pound. I have these stray reindeers.

They keep coming to my house, and I think they're definitely very sick. They have a whole bunch of Christmas bells in there. Yeah, they're sick. That's a disease. Yeah, yeah. Reindeers are quite common in America, Samoan. It's good if you pull up here and ask. Hello, the pound.

Do you have a gun? Because I have- I need 12. It's good to imagine you pulling up to the pound in this sleigh as well. Unclipping them, taking them inside. Also, like, shooting 12 reindeer in a row. Yeah. Even if they don't react, imagine just being like-

What? Yeah, I mean, like, killing- Also, yeah, one. Yeah, I mean, like, killing a reindeer, do they have, like, a thick skull like a cow? Oh, yeah, I don't think so. And so imagine, like, you're going to have to do a couple of shots. I don't think, yeah, one shot from a famous vet's gun is not going to kill a reindeer. Well, okay, you can ride them, right?

Yeah. Maybe. Ride them into the sea one at a time? Well, they can swim. A volcano. Fuck! Oh! Or what about an abattoir?

You just mix them in. You cut off their antlers. You mix them in amongst the cows. Nobody's any the wiser. You take them. A line of all these cows going into an abattoir. He's parking right there. You start like, shh, shh, shh.

Go, go, go. Stop it. Stop it. Come on, come on. You get in front. Come on. You start like, shh, shh, shh. Go, go, go. Go, go, go. Go, go, go. Go meet some new cow friends. You get in front trying to lead him. You're like, come on, come on. And then I'm eating a big doucher steak.

This tastes incredible. This is the best meal I've ever had in my life. This tastes like that time I bit doucher on the arm. This tastes so good. It's making me go crazy for human flesh. Wow. I reckon I'm getting madness eating this steak. This is the best thing I've ever had.

I am mad hungry for human flesh now. That's nuts. Well, all right. Then I eat the next steak, and I'm like, well, this one tastes just like reindeer. I actually don't know what's going on anymore. All I know is I've had two steaks for dinner. Mine were breakfast. All I know is I've had my two of three steaks for breakfast,

and I got to hope the third one tastes just as good as the first. Oh, this was cow. What does that mean? Does that mean in the abattoir they made one animal to a steak? Yeah, I mean, like, a steak does... They should have all been, like, doucher, all like a reindeer, not one of each. Well, if you've got the tail end of one

and the start of the other, it should have been like a doucher reindeer, and that was it. I know too much and too little about what happened at the abattoir in that scenario. I mean, if you were, like, you know, kind of, like, sorting through the different steaks at the local... The way you I mean, if you were like, you know, kind of like sorting through the different steaks at the local...

The way you did that was like you were leafing through a filing cabinet. Just sorting through the steaks. Which steaks do I want? This one looks nice. It's not like I like semi-know about what your plan was. Did someone I know, were they at the abattoir today or something?

This is a sad Christmas by myself without the Jolls. It's sad that one drowned and the other died. Staked. Staked in an abattoir. Oh, wait! I didn't get the presents! Wow. Well, okay.

So Dusha got made into steak and you drowned at sea. I was thinking go back to the source. Yeah. Okay. For some reason I thought you were going to say go back to the stone age. I was like, yes. All humanity, we never invent Santa Claus. No.

Well, Santa is a caveman. If I go back, where does Santa live? North Pole. What's that made of mostly? go back, where does Santa live? North Pole. What's that made of mostly? Ice. What gets rid of ice? Global warming. Bada bing, bada boom. I do global warming, but big time.

Go back in time to do global warming big time. All right. Get a big ladder. Get one of them like aerosol things that are full of those CFCs. And then just start spraying them. Just spray them real good. Yeah, I go to SpaceX. Okay. Which is crumbling. I say, Elon Musk,

give me your spaceship. Okay? He says, sure. One last mission, Elon. I have gotten the world's aerosol. I'll save humanity, Wink. I just need to say this because I heard it on a different podcast and if this is a lie, then I appreciate that this podcast was lying to me and spreading a false message

but apparently Elon Musk has a robot dick that rules so that's something that I heard on a podcast and I'm saying on another podcast hopefully to maybe either continue this misinformation or spread the truth what do you mean by robot dick apparently it's like a regular like his dick is

it functions like a dick but he it's got like a cybernetic enhancement was it likeetic like damaged basically no so i think it's just he was like elective robot yeah elective robot what can you do to a dick apparently he's got like a vibrator in it that's cool i reckon being just like yeah probably you can get like rings that you put around your dick that vibrates your dick anyway but i also feel like a vibration coming from inside your dick would feel bad. Don't vibrate my tubes. Because couldn't you get like a

subdural piercing kind of thing? Yeah. So you cut like a little bit of the skin, put a little vibrating bullet in there. Maybe that's what he's got though.

And then sew that up. But that'd be bumpy, wouldn't it? Because what I keep imagining and I assume you do too is like a lightsaber handle instead of a wiener. That's cool.

And then just out the tip comes the knob. What does Elon Musk sound like? Kind of boring. Hello, it's me, Elon Musk. Hello, it's me. My penis is a... My penis is a lightsaber. My penis is a lightsaber, and SpaceX, yeah, it's crumbling.

It's crumbling. And Jackson, you can take all these aerosols to the ozone layer. Be my guest. Existing. Jackson, your last mission. You can borrow my space. My last mission? He lost his off for my first mission.

Let's be honest. I'm aware. Fly to the ozone layer and just explode up there. Wreck that ozone layer. Destroy the North Pole. That'd be great. Hope you can swim, Santa Claus. Ozone layer fucked.

He did it. I'm definitely bankrupt now But I have my robot keys But at least history will remember me That was probably a waste of that spaceship Let's be honest I'm very divorced And should have thought about my actions

Twitter would be on fire After I did that Do you know what Elon Musk did? And everyone would blame Elon But there would be interviews with me where I'm like, I'm going up to space to explode, to do global warming big time. Don't blame Elon Musk. He's alright. He's just a man with a robot dick that can't satisfy a lady.

His dick's like a little lightsaber or some shit. You can't blame him. I hope he plugs his dick into the wall. That would be fucking sick. He has to recharge it. See, that's the thing, I think it's like an enhancement that I guess he can probably disconnect. More alternatively, the USB plug in his dick. That would be sick. That would be really cool.

I just- I don't know. Surely you can just do everything with a vibrating cock ring. You would think so. Like I said, I heard this- Well, doesn't he heard this and he needs one well but see elon musk's the kind of fucking moron that would probably do that you know like that seems like something he would do well almost everything elon musk has done in his life you're

like well yeah that's just a fucked way of doing a sensible thing that we could have done so if you get like something because it needs to be both flaccid but then you would activate it so it becomes rigid so i'm just kind of thinking like a long balloon-like thing that you can kind of pump with air, and then it also vibrates. Well, maybe you activate it and it vibrates and that makes you hard because it feels awesome. Again, I just can't imagine a vibration coming from the inside. There's tubes in there. Or maybe there's like a vibrator that's just like vibrating right next to his...

The prostate? The prostate, yeah. So maybe he can't get hard, but he comes like crazy. Yeah, maybe he just does that. Well, ladies love it. He hits a button and he's like... Ladies love a coming man. I'm very rich and can't stop coming.

Flaccid as hell, but boy do I come. Don't worry, it's vibrating for my pleasure. Don't worry, ladies, I will come. I won't fuck, but I will come. It's like pushing rope, but the rope is coming so much. Ladies love a come, Rob. Ladies love a coming man.

Ladies love a coming man. That's a famous thing people say. Don't worry, ladies, I'll come. I've been divorced three or four times and I cannot figure out why. Anyway, I'm off to space. Any interview with me, it kind of pans down. And just a patch of his fucking pants getting wider and wider. What's going on?

I'm coming. I'm coming. What do you think? Ladies. I hit the vibrating egg right in my prostate. Well, yeah, so there you go. Did I kill Father Christmas or whatever? Yeah, I think you did.

You killed a lot of people. That's really good. It's funny to imagine in an interview with me and Elon Musk about the flight and he just starts coming and I just start shifting my chair a little bit. He's just a fool. Coming out of his trouser leg. He said this might happen. Ladies love a coming man. SpaceX.

We did it. The next newspaper spinning, just like, stock's never been lower. Elon Musk takes company further. Comes heaps. At least I'll always have my ejaculation. I may not have my constant three or four wives, but I do have my several liters of gum per day

i can bottle that and sell it do we think that um people would even be talking about sanders drowning no elon musk could not stop coming what do you do with that much gum it's just so much can your body even i produce? I mean, he'd be dehydrated. He'd be a husk of a man. Yeah, he's struggling. He's struggling. But I'm doing great. You've never been better.

And then the interviewer's like, all right, didn't you explode? And you're like, yes. Yeah, but I got better. I came back. How? I don't know. Fell but I got better. I came back. How? I don't know. Fell down, got up. I just did.

Video game logic. Fell into the sea, so I was fine. Yeah, so I just swam for the shore. Yeah, I just had a big swim. I swam for the shore and got up and then came here. That's why I'm still wet. Did Santa die? That's why I did that.

Yeah. Sick. Good. Well done,? That's why I did that. Yeah. Sick. Good. Well done, me. I think my friend is meat now. And one of the other ones drowned. You should have also swam to the shore. Yeah, it was so easy for me to do.

Unless you were in the same place ever so briefly. We were connected by oceans. Yeah, very briefly. And you ate me. I also- Wow, they really produced that steak very quick. Yeah, very briefly. And you ate me. I also... Wow, they really produced that steak very quick. Yeah, immediately. It's on the show.

It's fresh. I've eaten it on the show. It's the last meal in space. It's got the abattoir, Jackson's dining room table right next to it. Just slops onto there. Yeah, just a tube in the wall. Flap. All right.

Yum. My one of three steaks. Now to go next door into this spaceship. I go from Elon. Next door to the interview with Elon Musk, take off my bib, sit down. Then I go from that into the spaceship to exploded space. And I went to the dining room for morning's almond at the beach.

That's sad, my friend did drown, dude. Alright, time to get my three morning steaks. Flap. Tastes like my friend Joel Dusha. Elon Musk won't stop coming. Into the shuttle to explode in space. For many people, this is an

abnormal day, but for me, this is just a Monday. Merry Christmas, everybody. This is the greatest day, but for me, this is just a Monday. Merry Christmas, everybody. This is the greatest Christmas gift of all. A pretty good morning. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've also been Joel.

Merry Christmas, everybody! Merry Christmas! I hope that Elon gives you the gift of never stopping to come. And I've been Elon Musk. Women love a coming man. Are you like me, a big old fantasy nerd who maybe dabbled in Magic the Gathering in high school but then had to stop playing it because it ruined the friendship

when one of you played the Slivers deck and your good friend Steve, who you no longer talk to, had a bad time? Or maybe you saw Lord of the Rings and thought to yourself, I can't wait to get more fantasy films and shows. They can only keep getting better. And then we got two horrible seasons of the Shannara Chronicles and Warcraft the film. Or you picked up the Dungeons & Dragons player handbook,

flicked through it, and were filled with hope and excitement that your friendship group could come together on a regular basis to play a game of imaginations, but oh no, you and all your friends are scum and you could barely organise a piss-up in a brewery. But don't worry, you can live vicariously through us where we play Dungeons & Dragons on a podcast called D&D is for Nerds.

Form parasocial relationships, not just with us, but the characters we play. Become overly attached to a fictional wizard who is bad at magic, or a fictional rogue who is bad at magic, or a fictional warrior who, coincidentally, is also bad at magic. Basically, we don't understand how magic works, and that is filtered through literally every character we play. Each campaign is standalone, but long-time listeners will find themselves following a greater story set over centuries. Just search for D&D is for Nerds on iTunes, Spotify, or wherever you listen to your podcasts. It's never been a better time to be a big old fantasy nerd.