Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Kill Harry Potter?

Episode Date: August 16, 2020

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Sans Pants Radio, Australia's most biased podcast network. Hey everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Flowing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, How would you kill Harry Potter? Yeah, that's fucking right. The kid who lives, he has to fucking die. It's time for him to die. Voldemort's come to the three plumbing boys, and he's like,

Boys, there's just no fucking way I can get this done. I got no fucking nose. I'm stressed all the time flies get in there this guy's been a thorn in my ass for so long oh yeah what do you want us to do i remember when you came out of that big pot in that graveyard that was cool dude you took that guy's arm that was was sad Mr Voldemort sir, what's it like being a soup? Is it good? Was it sick? Would we have been allowed to drink some of the soup when

you died or whatever? Huh? I imagine that Voldemort's come to us because we've set up a shop that says the plumbing boys fix your problems I thought you were going to say, we've set up a shop that says we will kill a child ten dollars that's good that sounds like we get ten dollars we kill one child we retire

set for life yeah that's like three dollars 33 recurring each recurring means it's infinite money so yeah that's the easiest way to break the bank. It's recurring. You have to keep paying me 33 cents forever, bank. Eventually, that's quite a bit of money. Something about compound interest? I don't know finance. I don't understand really what a bank is, sir.

The bank would just be like, okay, we'll just round it up to $3.34. And you're like, no! My plan! I'm poor again! I killed that boy for nothing! Just the enjoyment! Yeah, just the joy of killing a boy! Alright, so, my...

I guess it's really kind of... When does Voldemort Come and say Oi, kill Harry Potter I think I've got it worked out It needs to be around the Triwizard tournament Well that's kind of what I was picturing So he hasn't come back quite yet

He's still like A head on the back of someone else's head Yeah, or a gas Or whatever Hey guys, was it weird when a man Just shuffled backwards to us a head on the back of someone else's head. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or a gas or whatever the fuck. Hey, guys, was it weird when a man just shuffled backwards to us and asked us a question? Yeah, I don't know.

You still need to eat grapes or just eat or whatever. All right, let's put our very, very, very extensive Harry Potter knowledge to use here. Yes. All right, fantastic. So Voldemort only really starts trying to kill Harry towards the end, which is the Triwizard Tournament's bang in the middle. part of knowledge to use here yes all right fantastic voldemort only really starts trying

to kill harry towards the end which is the try was the tournament's bang in the middle starts at the beginning yeah like no this one kicked off he was a baby remember he tried to as a baby well yeah it's just like collateral damage at that point he's just like i wasn't why who cares he wasn't from a prophecy it was a, you big idiot! He read like a... Dear Plumbing the Death Star! Dear Plumbing the Death Star, CC Joel Dusha. Yeah, I don't believe in prophecies,

so every time it comes up in a book, my brain just... I don't believe in... Every time Voldemort brings up the prophecy, you're like, ah, shut up, shut up. Shush, Voldy, I don't want to have time Voldemort brings up the prophecy You're like ah shut up Shush Voldy Alright so I want to take this place

Round about the time that Harry Potter Has to take a bath Because even though Harry Potter is a wizard He's still a human and has something I like to call Human lungs Which can't breathe underwater Although he does breathe underwater. Although he does breathe underwater later in that book series.

No, but he hasn't had any gillyweed packed in his mouth. No, it's good. Yeah, it's good. Here at Plumbing the Death Star, we remember the name of a plant that Harry Potter needs to eat to breathe underwater, but we do not remember why Voldemort wants to kill Harry. By we, I mean the royal we and definitely not just me

does he hate kids with scars? he gives him the scar he must love them hey kid have this sick scar sorry I killed your dad woo that's the price we pay for dope scars yeah

also if you're drowning him in that bath, first of all, he doesn't have gillyweed, so that's fine. Second of all, that means Voldemort's come to you as a soup, and that's good. You have to talk to a cauldron. Voldemort's face just bubbles out of the soup. Joel Sabat. Yes, Voldemort, yes.

You want me to kill Harry Potter? I'm already there. Wow, you are a go-getter. I like that. Neville? No, not Neville. What's the older Neville? Wormtail.

You could learn a thing or two. You want me to kill Neville as well? All right. I'll give the thumbs up. Off I go. And Voldemort bubbles back under the soup, and you're like, what's he doing in there? Where's he going?

What's in there that's so good? So, yeah, so he's got to take a bath. And if I know Harry Potter, he's going to take a bath in privacy. And, look, I guess my plan involves trying to get Moaning Myrtle on side, which I feel is going to be easy because she horny for anything. You have to show her your dick, dude. And she's like, oh like oh okay i'll help you with whatever so cool sweet dick all right i believe that harry doesn't take his bath in a

private area so that is he well he takes his bath in a very i don't know why i'm remembering harry it's the prefect bath drunk yeah he goes into the prefect bathroom which has a whole bunch of sick taps yeah but then moaning myrtle's like, can I see your dick? Harry's like, I'd rather you didn't. And she's like, I'm a horny ghost. What can I do? And maybe they fuck? I don't recall.

But yes, he's in there with Moaning Myrtle. Gonna go out on a limb and say probably not. Although it's not 100% no. I think the subtext of that scene Is that Harry Potter jerks off At least I believe that the subtext of that scene Is the same as the text of that scene Which is he figures out the egg opens underwater

And then when he's there Jerking off in a bath Is not a good call But it's a big bath Semen gets tacky in water But also you're in it It's a big bath. That's what I said.

Where is the semen going to come out of? Your dick. Which immediately is where you're sitting. He does it in one corner of the bath, and then he swims over. The other corner. It's not really a bath at this point, JD. It's kind of like a pool.

Yeah, and Moni Birdle's like, sick cum, dude. And nice dick. I would also say don't jerk off in a pool. That's just my word of advice. To you, the listeners, and Moaning Myrtle's like, sick cum, dude. Nice dick. I would also say don't jerk off in a pool. That's just my word of advice to you, the listeners, and to Harry Potter. I think really it's the prefects that come in the next day for the morning bath that really suffer. Oh, goddamn. Someone jizzed.

Moaning Myrtle, come on. Gotta stop doing this. Christ, Myrtle. So you're right. I guess I don't know the the where the prefect bathroom is so but all all my plan really does require is i guess getting moaning myrtle on side which i'm pretty sure is very easy to do as we've discussed so once moaning myrtle is on site i just gotta be like hey moaning myrtle let me know uh where harry potter is when he's taking

a bath and if anyone else is there like let me know straight away, and I'll be right, thank you so much. Maybe you'll get to see my dick again. Who's to say? So the promise of dick, which is kind of like, maybe entice Moaning Myrtle. Yeah, sometimes more powerful than dick itself. Yeah, for sure. So, that I think will go down great,

and then Moaning Myrtle will be like, oh, Harry Potter's in that bath, there he is, here's how you get there. I'm like, thanks Moaning Myrtle, I like, oh, Harry Potter's in that bath. There he is. Here's how you get there. I'm like, thanks, Moaning Myrtle. I simply rush there, and I drown Harry Potter in the bathtub. Are you stronger than Harry Potter? I am stronger than a boy, yes. Okay.

I, a 30-year-old man, is stronger than a boy. I'll make this claim. No matter how tough that boy... Does he do weights? Does he lift? How strong is Harry Potter? Harry Potter does not look after his body. He's out of shape.

You can drown him. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. So, your first problem. I just had to quickly Google, is Moaning Myrtle in love with Harry Potter? Okay, great. Because she is horny, but she's most horny for Harry. So, this is going to be...

Also, hang on. Isn't Moaning Myrtle, even though she's played by an adult woman in the film, 14? Oh, shit. Don't show your dick. Not going to show my dick. Not going to promise my dick. Fuck.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Okay, so you got two issues here. One, Moaning Myrtle is not going to betray Harry Two, you're cancelled Happy to kill a kid, don't want to make a sex crime Um, okay

Okay We've got boundaries Well, there are other ghosts that are less horny And not children I don't know if they're less horny But nearly headless Nick Promise him your dick Nick, I'll show you my dick If you tell me where Harry Potter is What? of the less horny, but nearly headless Nick. Promise him your dick.

Nick, I'll show you my dick if you tell me where Harry Potter is. What? Why does none of these ghosts want to see my dick? I don't... What do you think a ghost is? You die and then, you know. You know, then you want to... Also, showing... The plan wasn't to show Dick to find out

where Harry was Maybe I misunderstood this whole plan I'm just out here showing my dick With the guns Okay So Moaning Murder is in love with Harry Potter Yeah Well she's very fond of

It's not love it's a very strong love Infatuation But is she infatuated with anybody? No, she likes Cedric and then she likes Harry Okay Well, I think that's okay Because Harry Potter will have to take a bath in other baths Where Moaning Myrtle isn't

Wait, hang on a second Who's that Weasley snitch everyone hates? That's a prefect Oh, Percy Percy! Yes Or Bill, or something no no no whatever he's a harry potter today i'm pretty chuffed percy he's a prefect he knows what the prefect

bathroom is he'd know the code he hates harry potter loves rules and maybe loves voldemort i don't know basically i reckon he'd be easy to grovel up to because i think he'd love the power like he'd love to think he's like you know ah yes this person's groveling up to me ah this is fantastic i i look i really hate to show your plans again but you did just say he loves the rules so when an adult man who is one not a wizard two not a student is in there and asks for directions he'll probably put you in handcuffs and then call voldemort okay i captioned an intruder. Okay, how about this? I dress up like a bathroom maintenance man. Oh, great.

Okay. Hogwarts is always going to need bathroom maintenance. Exactly. Or wizard shirts. And it's going to be a pretty shit disguise because wizards don't know shit about plumbing. That's true. So I could just have like a high-vis and with the sharpie

spelt poorly, bathroom repairman. Then I'll go to Percy. I suppose. Better you than me. Then I'll go to Percy and I'll be like, hey, person,

I don't know your name. That would be weird if I said your name. Hi, what is your name? I say. How are you finding Percy in Hogwarts? Well, look for the redheaded dweeb, you know? Plus he's got a badge.

I'm Ron Weasley! I'm telling the cops! And if you accidentally get one of the twins, they'll play a prank on you and probably, like, I don't know, stretch your... Your dick's a budgie or whatever, yeah. And I've stretched your underwear over your head. But no, Percy has a badge, a prefect badge.

Oh, that's very true. Well done. So he's got to look for the badge. How many students do you think are at Hogwarts? I don't know why Sam is including Percy in this at all. He can just get into the bathroom while Harry's very crowded. Well, I need to know where the prefect bathroom is. And the best way to do that is to get a prefect on side.

Ah, that's fair And also I need a fall guy And then I can play Percy Maybe it'll look like Percy killed Harry Potter Percy's always been jealous of Harry Potter Ah that's true I think It's an easy rumor to spread Alright hang on

What about this What about instead of me having child blood on my hands What if I Convince another child To have child blood on their hand How can I convince Percy to wait Malfoy to kill Harry Potter

I think that's easy You just give him a rigged wand In a duel You give him a wand that's already set to do Avada Kedavra no matter what he says Expelliarmus oh my god I killed Harry Potter

and then you're just in the in the crowd and you're just like I mean oh no and you stop clapping quickly

oh whoa yeah wow that sucks I am shocked okay so I wouldn't recommend Avada Kedavra because we seen harry get hit with that and the first time it bounces off his head the second time it breaks the horcrux that's in him

oh my god spoilers for harry potter yeah oh lord yes okay uh so i'd probably rig the wand with maybe tnt instead maybe try and blow Harry. That'll just blow up Malfoy. A lot of collateral damage. As long as a boy died. As long as a boy died. Well, I think, Sam, that the crux of your plan relies on the fact that you were just physically

stronger than Harry. All you have to do is wait for him to be alone and snap his neck. Harry's in the Forbidden Forest or whatever, and you're there, and he's like, who are you? And you're just like, shut up, kid.

And you just snap his neck. Second plan. We use a time turn. We go back in time because we cooked the first one, and now we've got to be in an earlier place. Okay. So Forbidden Forest, great idea. Book one.

They've gone to the Forbidden Forest because they're the naughty boys, and they get spooked out or whatever, and you're right. So the thing is, I've got a weird way to separate. Who's in the Forbidden Forest? It's Harry. Harry. Malfoy. Ron and Hermione, I think.

Yeah. Big Spider. And Hag. Yeah. Big Spider. And Hagrid. And Big Spider. And Centaur. And Voldemort, actually. And a unicorn. Yeah, a unicorn.

You know when they see Voldemort eating that unicorn? So what I've got to do is I need one of you boys or someone else. Basically, I need a unicorn. I'm sure we're in. Yes. I need a horse pantomime suit. Okay. Okay.

Wear a horse. It's good if I'm the arse of the suit. Yes. So basically, we have to spook the children with our horse. Maybe we make the horse look a little bit evil-like. Okay. Evil horse pantomime? Yeah.

Wear an evil horse. Wear an evil horse. Ooh. And have, like, a unicorn, you know, thing So it looks like maybe the unicorn So an evil unicorn So when Quirrell comes for unicorn blood He cracks also

There's just two guys in here Oh, he's sucking my blood, dude From my thigh Which is about where the horse's Stomach is Wait, I must be in this suit wrong That's just my belly It should be my belly

He's sucking my blood from my belly He looks sick I'm not a unicorn Okay maybe a unicorn Not a great idea I forgot And then Harry Potter sees that and is like What the fuck and you just clock him

Cowards punch him in the back of the head. Bam! The plan is to sort of separate Harry from all the rest of the gang in the Forbidden Forest while everyone's freaking out, and then, yeah, snap his little boy neck. I think you could do it. I think, by virtue

of the fact that you are physically stronger than Harry Potter and he does not seem prepared to have his neck snapped, you could just kill him like that i think it would be fine it's complicated yeah so we've had a lot of failures to get here pantomime unicorn sacrifice you to to to quirrell's mouth and then clock harry in the head here's where i think your only problem is is that when you go back into the future, Voldemort will be sick because he drank my belly blood and he'll be like, you did this.

And as his face bubbles out of the soup, my belly bubbles out of the soup as well. Something very wrong is happening in the soup. Well, this isn't on me, Mr. Mort. I'm leaving You should have been able to tell the difference Between a real unicorn and a pantomime one You're an idiot

This one, you're out of there Good job, John So I think I did pretty well And now a quick word from our sponsors Also, did you know we do too many shows Across the Sandspan's radio network? Take D&D's for Nerds An actual play Dungeons & Dragons podcast that I'm mostly on. Never played D&D in your life? Don't worry, up until we started, I hadn't either.

Meticulously edited by yours truly, so you don't have to hear all the faff and math that interrupts a good fantasy story. Each campaign is standalone, and while veteran listeners will pick up characters, events, and places across the seasons, new listeners can start at any adventure. Just search for D&D is for Nerds on iTunes or Spotify, or head to our website, sanspanseradio.com. Yeah, it was a

fine plan. If somewhat simple, and in the end, bad for Voldemort.ort but my plan involves getting hired as a defense against the dark art teacher which i think i can do because anyone can get hired yeah that's easy whatever and i'm assuming we're wizards for this all i gotta be like is like hey let me show you how my magic works i bring a book to life and kill it in front of dumbledore or whatever and i'm like defense against Against the Dark Arts, baby.

Does that know what that was? Then, like when Professor Moondog, what's his name? Lupin? The Wolfman. Lupin? Lupin. Like when Professor

Moondog, I reckon that'd be a sweet nickname for him. Hey, Professor Moondog, what's that'd be a sweet nickname for him. Yeah. Hey, Professor Moondog, what's going on? Up top. Hey, Professor Moondog, you've got your job now because everybody outed you as a Moondog. Or a Moondog. Yeah.

Moondog. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Because you're a wolfman. Yeah. Whatever. Woof, woof. Woof, woof, dude. Woof, woof.

Anyway, so like when Professor Moonman got the um bogget I want to set it up similar to that except instead of a bogget

it's like a like a lion or something and I just let it maul every kid in the class that includes Harry Potter that's the plan

I'm like inside is a bogget and I'll get you all to line up they'll be like sir when Professor Moonman taught this class we did this line up They'll be like sir when professor moon man Taught this class we did this already And I'll be like he taught it to you wrong

Shut up Harry Potter you're first Harry Potter yeah you get first in line And then I'm like 3, 2, 1 and I open up the cupboard And they're like that's a big cupboard sir It sounds like something really huge is inside Shut up boy And then I

It's a boggart they're big and i open it up and a lion pounces out on harry potter and i'm like he must be scared of lions and as it eats harry potter i'm like say ridiculo harry potter and he's like ridiculo ridiculo but it doesn't work because it's a real lion and then he gets mauled to death and i'm like job done children you can go home back in the cupboard to maul everyone there's a lot of collateral damage happening hey that's pretty good hey 10 bucks per child hey that's true shut the door behind me like leaning up against it, snake walking past. Something the matter, Professor Bailey?

Nah, sick in there. Just taking a smoke break. I'm just thinking about how I'm going to spend my 260 bucks I just earned. That's heaps, dude. That's, like, enough for, like, a bike. Like, a a bicycle I mean Like a good bicycle It's the 90s so money's more now

Yeah Jackson it sounds like there are children Screaming on the other side of the door They're happy they're screaming with joy They hate me You know defence against the dark You scream because it's happy Yes I'm learning

Is what the kids are saying is that the roar of a very large feline creature perhaps creature is one way of putting it it's a boggart sir are you scared of lions all my students are scared of lions child who isn't scared of so many lions even when you're you think you're not scared of lions when you're looking at a lion you're scared of lions

you know yeah i i imagine what happened was so snape what what's happened here is harry potter was the first child and he's scared of lions so he yeah he got mauled by the lion and now all the kids saw so now they're scared of being mauled by a lion so basically the boggart is just a lion now yeah so i'm going nuts in there you know harry potter you know how he fears lions are you admitting to killing those children jack oh no no that's a that was just a like a hypothetical situation what's happening in there is different. Yeah.

But if it was happening, it definitely wasn't me, but the boggart. Yeah. Jackson, I need to go inside. Of course. No. Open the door, really like a sliver. Snape goes in, close the door. Lion attacks him.

Am I going to be able to get out of this one? him. Am I going to be able to get out of this one? I was using Professor Moondog's lesson plans. I can't help it that the kids are deathly afraid of lions. That's not my fault, Snape.

Christ. Do you believe in Christ? Wizard, wizard, Jesus? I don't know what your religion is. I'm not really Christian either, but I use the Lord's name in vain trying to piss him off yeah God I'm sort of like agnostic

and I want to prove he exists by getting him real angry so he does something to me yeah like a blind faith or whatever but what about if he causes himself to exist because he's so pissed off with me, Jackson Bailey Anyway, I guess it turned out

you were scared of lions too, hey Snape Just saying this through the door Yeah, through the sliver or through the keyhole as I watch Snape get eviscerated by a lion I like to imagine you just saying this to the closed door I like to imagine I look through the keyhole

And I see my wallet on the desk Fuck Where am I going to keep this 260 bucks now Damn it I was one coffee away from a free coffee I need that Luckily I'm not afraid of lions Open the door

Creep in Pounced by the lion Oh wait it was a real lion I'm not afraid of lions. Open the door. Creep in. Pounced by the lion. Oh, wait, it was a real lion. I was a lion. Just no. Fuck, fuck, fuck. As the lion mauls me, reaching out with my hand for my wallet still.

One more free coffee at Starbucks. It can be any kind of coffee. I can get a venti. Even a really expensive one. Dumbledore opens the door, sees me getting killed by a lion. Avada Kedavis the lion. Buries all the students in the front of Hogwarts. Mission accomplished. It's great to imagine at the end of the year,

Dumbledore going to give his speech, but he's just kind of speechless. Like, well, everyone wins the House Cup this year. Everyone gets 18 L's or whatever the fuck. I don't. Look, at least Jackson's dead, students. And they're like, well, he didn't teach us much anyway. If it was a class without Harry Potter in it, he just smoked up the front.

Do whatever you want, kids. I don't give a fuck. Your fucking magic? Yeah, it doesn't impress me. Much like Christ, I do not believe in it. I think you're shit, kids. You want to smoke in here? You want to dope up?

Who gives a fuck, okay? Smoke can be for your goddoms, that, like, flicking cigarettes at Cedric. Yeah. Hey, check this out. And then I, like, try to go to bird, like, put out the cigarette out of my hand, but get too scared. Yeah, no, that'd hurt. And I'll light up another one. Impressed by me, students?

Well, I don't give a fuck if you are or are not. Treat this as free time. You want to smoke? You want to finger each other? I don't give a shit. I'm a cool teacher. Tell me when Harry Potter gets here. You know? Yeah, I don't know what he looks like. I didn't do any research.

Which one of you cunts is Harry Potter gets here. You know? Yeah. I don't know what he looks like. I didn't do any research. Which one of you cunts is Harry Potter? I know he wears glasses, maybe. I don't know. Yeah. Someone had a horrible scar on his face. Everyone, show me your face. Yeah. I think it looked like something clawed him.

I don't know. Yeah. So what's in that cupboard? It sounds angry. Don't you fucking worry about it just yet Unless one of you cunts is Harry Potter Then we got I know what today's lesson is And I'd say it's less angry and more hungry

But that's another lesson for another day That's another lesson in how to look after a lion Another thing I didn't research It's also good to imagine me between glasses Slipping bits of ham through the slot in the where the two cupboard doors made eat up dude don't die on me yet i don't know where that cunt harry potter is flawless at the banquet standing up and like right

I'm a new defence against the dark arts teacher Jackson Bailey Which one of you counts as Harry Potter And when's Smoko Put your fucking hand up Harry Potter like tentatively does it Alright there you are No your face

I thought your scar would be grosser Frankly I'm disappointed Yeah Turned to Dumbledore Thought he'd be more yuck Ugly one. No, your face. Good. Good, good, good, good. I thought your scar would be grosser. Frankly, I'm disappointed. Yeah. Turned to Dumbledore. Thought he'd be more yuck. Don't talk to me. Yeah, whatever.

Thanks for the job. You can't smoke inside. Ah! What am I meant to do? This is the 90s. I thought you could. Fuck it, Al. I might quit. You don't kill Harry Potter You crack the shits and quit too early

Because you can't smoke inside They wouldn't let me fucking smoke inside Voldemort What do you mean Why not The cool refreshing taste of a Marlboro And they won't let you do this inside Yeah it sucks

Then I like flick a cigarette into the soup that Voldemort's in So he can smoke but it's re-flammable and it catches fire Oh fuck Oh my god Wormtail tell him you did this Did you just call me Wormtail? I'll put it out and I just start spitting in the soup.

It's not working. Stop! It is making a satisfying tsss noise though. Yeah, that's good. I'm gonna keep doing it. I got heaps of water and then I go to piss in it and they Avada Kedavra me. All of the Death Eaters at once. Avada Kedavra. Fall into the

cauldron. Fall into the cauldron. Fall into the cauldron, which tips over. I end up in a kind of meet-cute situation on top of Voldemort's close little fetus. Should we kiss, Voldemort? Is this love? And then, again, that's when I get a Vodafone. Because it didn't work the first time, apparently. How's this not working?

We hate him so much. We loathe this cunt and still, yeah, I'm fine. What are you doing at me? Yeah, it turns out the only way you can get killed with a Nevada cadaver is if you've got a powerful belief in Christ. And you know what? I don't have one. I don't care.

Unkillable. And then I turn around and trip over it like a gravestone flagstone and just crack my head on a rock and die. Pants fall down, little fart happens. Yeah. Oh. And then dead. We could have just waited.

Dumbledore was like, I guess there'll be no defense against the dark. Nobody expected that children well that's funny because now Dumbledore and the children are at the graveyard with Voldemort and the soup and all the death eaters and no one's doing anything to save you also you're revealing

to Dumbledore what your plan was yeah the kids are like we should follow that crazy man he's up to no good, Dumbledore. Yes, yes, good idea. Let's follow the man. I reckon he's, oh, he definitely was working. Oh, hey, Voldy.

Let's team up and clock this piece of shit. I got that Death Eater tattoo on my face instead of arm. Otherwise, I'll forget. How often do you look at your arm? Not very often. But I look in the mirror every morning, I'm like, oh yeah, that's right I hate that ugly kid Well, I think you've done well

In joining the forces of Voldemort And Hogwarts against you Yeah, I'm playing both sides Or no side Instead of a double agent, you're not even an agent Yeah, I'm playing both sides. Or no sides. Instead of a double agent, you're not even an agent. You're just a guy. A loathed man. You're just a guy with a hungry lion in a cage,

looking for an ugly child to maul. Yeah, well, okay. So it's great that I succeeded, but then through my own incompetence failed because i couldn't smoke inside that that's really why this all fell apart yeah that's okay but like the lion boggart plan right solid solid player so my plan was going to be so look first of all great plans everyone thank you thank thank you. I don't think Harry has died in either of the situations, but that's all right.

So my original plan was that I was going to kill Dobby because Dobby, in my head, was the one who protected Harry when he fell off his broom. So I killed Dobby. But then I just double-checked, and it turns out that Dobby is the one who causes Harry to fall off his broom. So I've killed an elf and nothing changed.

When are we easy to kill? You just got to get a Hessian sack and then slam him against a wall like a salmon. We've seen that he's allergic to knives, so it's fine. So wait, at what point are you killing Dobby? Are you killing Dobby pre-Chamber of Secrets so he never comes to Harry Potter and is like

don't go back to Hogwarts are you killing him while he's still owned by Lucius Malfoy one of the richest wizards in the world so I was

gonna kill so my plan was to kill Dobby at the Quidditch game just I don't know knife straight through the top of the head

wand in the brain. Yes. Yeah, yeah. Well, let's just say that I did that and it was just like, sweet, I've sorted it. I love the idea of you putting the wand in Dobby's brain and it going too easily in and you're getting grossed out. Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God. No resistance. What the fuck? Who's got the same consistency as a human shit? What are you? You've got a fucking skull in there, cunt? Gross. Well, he's dead, so he can't answer my questions.

Yeah. Right, and then I dust my hands, and I sit back and watch a Quidditch game, and the game goes off without a hitch, and I'm like, huh. Could have sworn something was meant to happen here. And then Lucy is turning around and being like Where's my elf? Mr. Dusha

Where's my elf? Why would I know? I don't know who you are Down at your feet Mr. Dusha He's got a hole in his skull Mr. Dusha I saw you

You stabbed him And instead of hiding the body You just dusted your hands Smearing blood everywhere What? Dusting your hands of blood What? Can't tell it's me for sure

Yeah, it's a house off Who cares? You don't care You're right, You don't care. You're right, I don't. Get another one. Yeah, I guess. Yeah, that's fair. Oh, but actually... So...

Yeah. I reckon I used this conversation to get in with the Death Eaters. So I fucked it up. I'm like, hmm. Cooked this. And I'll be like, anyway, yeah, I don't care about house elves

and I really tell you who I really hate. That Harry Potter kid. Hey, quick question. So in mine and Zamet's scenarios, we were Death Eaters. Are you not? I'm just a guy. You're killing Harry Potter for some other reason. Just for the fun of it.

For your own purposes. I just hate that kid. Yeah, fair. He's annoying to look at. He is. Good point, Mr. Dusha. I like to imagine you were on a plane and Harry and Ron in the flying car flew past you

and you just locked eyes with Harry and were like fuck that kid. I'm gonna kill that kid. Yeah, well the timeline lines up. Turn this plane around. Okay, so you're getting good with the Death Eaters great that seems reasonable all right now what now you have to come up with a new plan to kill harry potter because kill a dobby did nothing you just got dead house of blood on your hands but no one cares

you're starting from scratch from zero new place on the spot it's too late now to pre-plan correct uh i'm trying to think of if dobby after the quidditch game has any impact in harry's life and now or do i just like does he save his life does dobby save i think at some point i think in like one of the last two books or the last book i think he might save his life hang on a second there is definitely something that's very easy to kill that 100% saves Harry Potter's life, and that is his gross owl. The owl sacrifices her life to save Harry Potter when they're chuffing off and flying from cunt's place.

So all you've got to do now is strangle an owl. That's so easy to do. Set fire to the owlery at Hogwarts. Yeah, fire. Set an angry line at the owls! Yeah! So, all the great plans. I got some great news.

My plan, Zamit, has actually become your plan. Because, do you know who gives Harry the gillyweed when he's drowning? Who's that? The owl? Dobby. Ah! But Dobby died two books earlier now. So Harry never figures it.

So your plan, it's great that so much of your plans involve you being in the stands for games, because now you're in the stand when Harry Potter's, like, lining up to dive into the lake, and you just know he doesn't have any, and he's just really nervous, and he jumps in and drowns, and you wipe your hands again

Well Unfortunately you've just made him not be able to breathe underwater He can still swim I assume He might just not get in and lose the Triwizard Cup Which is bad Which is bad because you want him to win Yeah because that's where Voldemort is

You've just Stopped Voldemort is you've just stopped Voldemort's plans yeah Voldemort's waiting Cedric Diggory comes in to the fucking graveyard Voldemort's like

douche a fuck I'm somewhere god damn it I bet he wiped his hand no one gave him gilly wheel he's pretty good he never thinks ahead he just does the thing

and then wipes his hands like he's completed it like he's completed the mission but he never has that's a very good point you can't kill him before the pot situation otherwise voldemort never hires us yeah that's true yeah that's true unless you time travel well in which case you can what if i get look i have none of us have used magic yet but now i guess i'm going it's true we have all avoided magic i'm gonna get a polyjuice potion turn into dumbledore great i stumbled stab dumbledore in the back when we're going into that boat yeah and then get make harry drink the poison water be like it's not poison wait wait did so you polyjuice yourself into dumbledore and you think that you, Harry, and Dumbledore

are going to that boat in a cave. Yeah. I'm you, Dumbledore! What? How do you brew polyjuice potion? And how do you make it not fuck up? Like, okay, are you smarter than Hermione? Yeah.

Well, I know what hair looks like because I'm not a fucking idiot like Hermione. I won't be nervous about breaking the rules. That's all I ever do. Yeah. Well, I know what hair looks like because I'm not a fucking idiot like Hermione. I won't be nervous about breaking the rules. That's all I ever do. Yeah, that's true. She's, like, nervous and doesn't think about it and grabs a cat hair. I know what a cat hair looks like. Do you?

She's not that clever. Yoink it. Yeah. Yeah, I agree. Yoink it. So you yoink the hair off Dumbledore's head so that you know it's Dumbledore's. Yeah. Make a Polyjuice potion. Become Dumbledore the hair off Dumbledore's head So that you know it's Dumbledore's Make a Polyjuice potion

Become Dumbledore Then kill Dumbledore Hey quick question You know how at that point Dumbledore is cursed And he's gonna die soon No no no that's later So that curse that Dumbledore has It's gonna die soon

That's the curse I want to give to Harry Isn't there a ring from drinking shit? No, it's the ring. He's got his hand all fucked because he grabbed the stone and he wanted to see his dead sister or whatever. And he's like, well, I've only got like a year to live or some shit. So if you polyjuice into

a sick Dumbledore, are you then sick? No, I don't think so. I think you're okay. So how are you going to convince... All right, so I will willingly agree that you become Dumbledore, kill Dumbledore, which would be very frightening for Dumbledore.

He's not expecting that. Then you lead Harry to the cave, which you somehow also know about. But it's also great just to arrive there. What if I just dunk my head... So, okay, let's say the murder now takes place in dumbledore's office okay because his password to get into his office is real obvious and i'm surprised people aren't in there all the time because it's lemon sherbet and that's his favorite thing it's easy

to figure out yeah like i'm surprised people don't just accidentally open it because like he says it so much oh i thought you were just saying like if you were marching around the halls being like lemon sherbet lemon sherbet and then it opens and you're like why did that happen no i think people know where his office is they just don't know how to get in oh yeah that's fair anyway so i get into his office i'm him i steal his maybe that's why i steal his beard maybe i kill him as me still steal his beard stab him yep he's not expecting knives. Or a gun. Wizards aren't expecting a gun. You shoot Dumbledore in the neck, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Guns are loud. Also, at what point... Where are you hiding Dumbledore? Just leave him in his office. Surely at this point, someone will find... Because again, some kid's going to be roaming down this hallway going... Let him in, show him. Oh, my God. Door opened.

And up they go, and there's a dead Dumbledore but there's also a Dumbledore running around the okay you put him in a cupboard alright Dumbledore's out of the way next step alright and then so I go to the brain pond thing that's in his office what's it called? The pensive yeah

yeah pensive and I just drink it you become Dumbledore this is how it ends for you you drink the pensive in its entirety, and then you sit down and you're like, ah, and then you just are Dumbledore. And Voldemort's like, what happened to Dusha? And nothing, it's all the same. You just become Dumbledore forever

because you drank all his memories. Occasionally you look in the mirror and you're like, wasn't I once another guy? No, no, no. I've always been Dumbledore. That's funny as well because it's not perfect. It's good to imagine you don't remember your first name. I've always been

Joel Dumbledore. Dumbledusha. That's me. Students, I run this school apparently. But I'd be healthy. I'd be a better Dumbledore accidentally. And what is Dumbledore's plan? He wants to kill Harry Potter.

That's true. And you have already been hired to kill Harry Potter, so hopefully those things in your new brain align. And now you're an efficient Dumbledore. And at this point, if the curse doesn't kind of like transfer over you're good you're a healthier Dumbledore with a more desire

to kill Harry Potter yeah it's good to imagine when Harry Potter does die and he's in the heaven king's cross station and it's you there the real D double door is like holy shit that's not that's not me some fucking guy stole my identity accidentally he drank my memories harry potter they were mine do i come back or do i go to heaven come back kid you're Come back, kid! You're gonna kill the fake Dumbledore!

Fuck Voldemort! Fuck that problem! Kill that guy! That was a confusing time for Harry Potter. He comes back. Yeah. And then... Then you're just gonna be like, no, I'm the real Dumbledore,

and Harry Potter will be so confused. That was probably one of them Voldemort tricks. Yeah. And then you kill him. And then you stab probably one of them Voldemort tricks. Yeah. Oh, and then you kill him. And then you stab him. With that gun I still have. Yeah, yeah. You've got it in your robe the whole time.

It's good to imagine your wires getting crossed in your brain and when you're meant to cast a spell, you just pull the gun out every time. You're like, oh, I'll dampen the lights. And instead of going Lumos or whatever, you just shoot the candles. Jesus Christ, Dumbledore. Lights out, motherfucker.

He is changed. I'm the same man, except I'm not sick anymore. You were sick? Occasionally looking in your pensive and being like, weren't my memories in here? Well, I guess in the end, we all killed Harry Potter, but also didn't. And that's pretty funny.

That's pretty Harry Potter. He's harder to kill than we expected, I guess. He is. I still think the best plan may be to strangle an owl, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, I think that's always the best plan. We missed the obvious one. Just a car bomb.

That flying car, it explodes. Yeah, absolutely. Travel back in time and just drop the baby in the river. Or whatever. It's not going to give the baby a scar. It's just going to kill the baby. Oh, hang on. Time Turner, go back in time.

Voldemort is at Piggot Drive or wherever the Hollow's grave, whatever he kills the baby. And be like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Use this. Give me one, here's a gun. Yeah, absolutely. Or, final plan, go back in time to before Harry

is born to Harry's mother Lily and convince her that she'll hate her kid and then when she has the baby she hates Harry so she can't protect him with his mother's love and Harry just gets a Vodka Dove Great idea, great idea, however we go back in time and we

cuck the shit out of James That's a good idea Again, Joel Zammett attempts to woo a teenager Everyone's like, no, no, no, wait, you forget You keep forgetting That's a good idea Again, Joel Zammett attempts To woo a teenager Everyone's like, no, no, no, wait, you're forgetting You keep forgetting She was an adult eventually

They died at 21 At 21? That's so young Yeah, they got married pretty much immediately After high school, which is a bad move Don't do it Unless you've already done it, in which case I'm sure you'll be very happy Wait till Harry Potter dies of old age Claim the win, done which is a bad move. Don't do it. Unless you've already done it in which case I'm sure you'll be very happy. Wait till Harry Potter dies of old age.

Claim the word. Done. Go into the future take a photo of his grave come back. Be like, yeah. I did it. This says he died at 80.

Yeah. Yeah. But he died. I did it. High five the soup. Go to bed. Ten bucks please. Ten bucks

digging around in the soup pulling out bones And shit Where's my money Yeah Is this it This isn't what I wanted at all And we go back to our shop

Which has been closed down By the police And on that note I've been Joel I've been Jackson And I've also been Joel Kill Harry Potter For us

We'll give you a tenner Yeah And I've also been Joel Kill Harry Potter For us We'll give you a tenner Yeah Thanks for listening If you want to help support this show And all the other shows on the Sandspans Radio Network Just head to Sandspansradio.com And consider joining the Sandspans Plus community There's over 20 bonus shows A Sandspans Plus Discord

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