Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Kill Sonic the Hedgehog?

Episode Date: September 20, 2020

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SANSPANTS RADIO, Australia's happiest podcast network. of things that aren't video games wiki how cora answers bad halloween costumes goosebumps books if that's legal i don't know and also video games so hey come see me do that twitch.tv slash jackson bailey streaming every monday and wednesday 12 30 p.m australian eastern standard time i'm definitely doing some part of it wrong Hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, how would you kill Sonic the Hedgehog? Okay, first of all, great question. Now, this is pretty easy, I reckon, because you've got to look at what Sonic is.

He's a hedgehog, right? He is a hedgehog. What do hedgehogs love? Being underground. Knicking carrots. All of my hedgehog related facts come from Sonic the Hedgehog and I just don't think that's what actual hedgehogs love doing

going fast standing on the wings of planes hanging out with their friend a two-tailed fox I think in real life a fox would eat a hedgehog, in fact I'd put money on it flip it over with his nose and eat the delicious smooth guts within. Maybe that's a part B of my plan, maybe involving Tails.

Make him rabid. The purchasing of a fox. Maybe that's why Sonic waggles his finger, being like, not today, Tails. You're not eating this. No siree, Bob. I just did a very quick Google search about, like, what do hedgehogs love to eat?

And so while they do love, say, worms, beetles, slugs, caterpillars, earworms, and millipedes, they also more frequently enjoy carrion, frogs, baby rodents, baby birds, bird's eggs, and fallen fruit. So to me. Frogs? Yeah, frogs, baby rodents, baby birds, birds' eggs, and fallen fruit. So to me... Frogs? Yeah, frogs. How? With their mouth.

I don't believe that. I take umbrage with this. I can't picture that. Hedgehog's head is down. How does it... Eat a frog. Opens its mouth and the frog leaps in. Well, that's also good because Big the Cat,

one of Sonic's friends, has Froggy the Frog. Sonic probably wants to eat that frog. He definitely does. So the way I interpret this statement is that the things that a hedgehog will eat infrequently are kind of like little treats for a hedgehog. So if you, like, say, put a delicious worm in front of him or maybe a baby bird, he's going to be like,

ooh, I've been good, I'm going to go for that baby bird. I deserve it. Fuck the chili, dog. Time to eat a fetal chicken or whatever. I'm sounding like the hedgehog Cowabunga. I know. So that was like, that was step one of my

research. Step two was quickly googling what are the main cause of death of a hedgehog? And it turns out that the most common cause of death for the hedgehog, particularly in Britain, I guess where hedgehogs live, are road traffic accidents. So I'm just gonna

coyote this, simply zap a basic trap and have like a big box of delicious baby birds with like free to good home and then in bracket your mouth sonic in the middle of a highway. Tails, do you think that's suspicious that they're referring to me by name? I don't know. I'm name? I don't know. I'm Tails. I don't know how he talks.

Yeah. Tails, close. Basically. You can do that voice for the rest of the episode, and we promise not to make fun of you. Yes. I'd actively encourage it, to be honest. So, Zammett, first of all, great research.

You've looked into this. But I'm just going to throw over to jackson who after those vocal impressions is clearly our sonic expert jackson what would you say sonic's number one ability is being quick yeah sonic is not having to wear pants but no one does big the cat wears a t-shirt okay yeah okay so sonic's faster than cars so the problem is that the cars aren't going fast enough What about we put the box of baby birds On the autobahn Cars are going real fast there

We're up to his speed Sonic can run sometimes Depending on which Way you're looking at Sonic from In the movie he runs at the speed of sound In fact there's a song where it says Rolling around at the speed of sound At the speed of there's a song where it says, rolling around at the speed of sound. At the speed of sound, like a place to go,

gotta follow my rainbow. Yeah, that is true. Speed of sound. How fast is an aeroplane? Well, some of them break the sound barrier, but here's the struggle, Zamit, is you can't put baby birds in a box in the sky. Jackson, what do birds do?

They fly, so therefore they would be in the sky you idiot but then how is sonic the hedgehog not died already by trying to get the sky birds i mean like i love your strategy of getting sonic the hedgehog cleaned up by a fucking concord okay okay speed of sound play we put right we need a lot more babe we need a lot more baby birds so we're gonna put like a basket but i mean like a hot air balloon basket full of baby birds. And then we just whoop that up into the air. And then we acquire some military planes to kind of just like keep swooping those hot air balloons.

And you've got to be quick. I like that your plan started. First of all, you put the birds in the sky and then you were like and what's step two? You didn't have the whole thing planned out. So you quickly go to an Air Force base. No! Get a jet. We don't need jets anymore.

Sonic can still die from fall damage, right? No. Yeah, no, he can't. He doesn't take fall damage in any of these games. Sonic is full of rings from his tits to his toes with rings. And when he doesn't have any of those rings and someone stabs him with a dagger, that's when Sonic dies. Okay. That's the rule.

Okay, so I've got to make him poor. Okay. Hey, Sonic. Yeah, ruin Sonic the Hedgehog financially. That's how you get him. We've got to ruin him financially then. Okay, Sonic, I'll sell you this delicious baby bird for all the rings in your body. It's a good deal.

Sonic, and you feel his horrible stomach, which jingles and jangles. You're a rich man, Sonic the Hedgehog As you rub his wealthy belly For a low, low payment of 50 rings You could have this delicious baby bird Then just like punch him in the bread basket And go oof And then he coughs up the rings And I punch him again

Yeah, you gotta make sure You gotta double tap Sonic Because, yeah If you just take all of his rings He'll just run out and get more rings, and then he'll be fine again. How do you ruin someone financially? Scams?

What kind of scam would Sonic fall for? You're going to need to scam Sonic the Hedgehog. You need to basically be like, Sonic the Hedgehog, he loves chili dogs. You're like, I have a chili dog-based venture that I need your investments in, and then Sonic invests a small, a paltry sum, $1,000. And then you're like, Sonic the Hedgehog,

something's come up. Oh, no. We need some more money or whatever, you know? Yeah. Do you reckon Sonic would like, you know, do you reckon he'd have a punt? Do you reckon he'd... Yeah, I reckon Sonic would have a punt.

Sonic the Hedgehog strikes me as a gambling man. He's like, oh, what if, what if, Sonic? So I reckon maybe, and he liked racing, so maybe we go down to a local dog track and ruin him financially by gambling. And then hopefully he'll go to a loan shark because he'll need more money And they'll rough him up a bit

And that second punch to the stomach There he is, done, he's gone There's something very appealing about the fact That for some reason, you didn't take him to a casino Why'd you pick the dog track? It's more your speed I guess, that's fair I also love that your plan involved both times one where you were trying to just sell him the baby birds for a lot of money and the second

time we take it to the dog park a punch to the stomach it seems like you don't understand your plan and that's great you're like i'm gonna ruin him financially and sonic's like damn i ruined financially then you're like oh what now cough up those rings. What am I doing? Why am I here? I just watched this crazy hedgehog spend a lot of rings on dogs. Yeah. And then you've ruined Sonic. I guess if you've ruined Sonic financially in that he's given all of his rings to the dog track

and then you do punch him in the stomach, if you kill him like Houdini, he will die. It's only one. Yeah. I saved myself that one punch. So that's pretty good. Yeah, exactly. Because it's that moment where he's invincible or whatever for like he loses the rings and

he's like flashing or whatever. So that if he's getting his legs broke by like a loan shark, that might spook him. But if he's ruined financially, that'll get him. So the moment like his dog doesn't win the race and he's like, ah, and tears off the ticket, he starts flashing because he's invincible. And then when he turns around and he's like, I'm in serious trouble, Joel Zammett, my friend.

You're like, oof, in the bread basket. What now, Sonic the Hedgehog? So, Zammett, your plan is to rig a race or just hope that he doesn't bet on the right one? Hope he doesn't bet on the right one? Hope he doesn't bet on the right one. And for a brief moment forget what gambling was. Also, you don't- It's the law of averages.

At some point, he's definitely going to lose big. Yeah, well, the thing is, like, if he's a casual gambler and doesn't have an addiction or an issue with, you know, if gambling hasn't ruined his life, he also might just not gamble, you know, what literally keeps him alive. He might be like, oh, I'll just chuck five rings on it. That is true. But Sonic, he got 50 rings. Come on.

And he's like, yeah, but I don't want to die. I thought you were cool, Sonic. Whatever, I reckon Tails would. Tails would. Because Tails is an idiot. Wait, who's got a big rivalry? Knuckles? No. No, also. Dogdegman is, I guess, his only rival. Just Tails an idiot. Wait, who's got a big rivalry? Knuckles? No.

No, also- Dog Tag Man is, I guess, his only rival. I'm so sorry, also, Zamed, because I just realised that Sonic, whilst probably a gambling man, I don't think a racetrack's a good idea, because what'll happen is he'll get excited about a running race, and he'll just jump in and run with the dogs. Yeah, that's true. But he won't get- Sonic, that's not the point of this.

What are you doing? Yeah, disqualify the race race and then he'd lose money No if a race is disqualified you'd probably get a refund If you run into the race If there is a dog race Happening and you jump to the fence And spook the dogs and race in it And then proclaim yourself the winner

You don't get your money back You don't No If you were to make a bet the winner you don't give me your money back you don't well no i know because like if you okay if you were to make a bet say i'm like i put a bet on the 2020 olympics yeah yeah the ones that famously aren't happening so this is a bad example and then i did something that caused the 2020 olympics to get cancelled yeah the bets would still be voided including mine no yeah but you wouldn't get your money back. Yeah, that's what a voided bet does.

Why would they give you your money back? That's crazy. You're a crazy man. If that was like... If it was like... Get out of the dog tracks, Sonic. Maniac. Like 100% compelling evidence that you personally caused the problem.

That's basically like fixing a race, isn't it? You fixed a race wrong! You're getting your money back though You're not winning or losing It's just the bet's void This is basically race fixing for an idiot

No, it's not race fixing because there's no benefit for anyone Yeah, exactly, for an idiot No, but that's not race fixingfixing, because there's no benefit for anyone. Yeah, exactly, for an idiot. No, but that's not race-fixing. If I was like, okay, say the dogs are going, they're racing, that's good, I'm going to bet everything I have on number six. Oh, no, he's losing.

I'm going to quickly jump the barrier and participate and do a lap. That's true. Also, I think that's basically the- That loophole. Yeah, everything's void because that big dickhead is running with the dogs. He doesn't lose. Also, I think the reason that they would not give you your money back is they would ban you from the dog track.

Probably by being banned from the dog track, you don't get your payout. They'll be like, don't come back. You've spooked the dogs. You've ruined everyone's day. Go home, Sonic the Hedgehog. Christ. Now we're all going to get in one go at your bread basket. Plus there'll be so many mad gamblers as well.

We're lining up, Sonic. That's a great way to get got by a crowd. Yeah, absolutely. So, I mean, you've killed him in that the mob has killed Sonic the Hedgehog. You've definitely made Sonic a very unpopular man amongst the dog bettors. Yeah, those dog bettors. Sonic the Hedgehog has finally been a powerful enemy to have. A powerful enemy to have, you know?

Not big dog. Oh, yeah. I mean, like, I know maybe in your research you didn't find it, but I'm sure that a dog would eat a hedgehog. So maybe the moment Sonic jumps into the the hounds they just tear him apart really the dog tracks a dangerous place for sonic i know that i know that we're all very excited about sonic the hedgehog being eaten by a dog but i feel like we keep looking past the one ability that sonic has which is he runs at the speed of sound he's very fast but. But you know what we're going to, Dusha?

A dog track where it's dogs who are professional racers. They're the fastest dogs. Dogs can't run. Okay. I'm going to have to sit you down and explain speed and dogs to you. Yeah, okay. All right. How's this then?

Okay. You know what? The dog track is a circle. So Sonic is going to keep going, right? He's going to keep lapping those dogs. Dogs are just going to turn around. At some point, they're going to be neck and neck. All he's going to do is one straight chomp,

and that's a dead Sonic. Okay. Sonic's done. No, it's not, because he's got rings. We've established that. That's a one ringless Sonic then. But also, Sonic's so quick, so the rings. We've established that. That's a one ringless Sonic then. But also Sonic's so quick so the rings would bounce around. He'd probably get another one.

But also, that's like saying that if you're standing on a freeway, you could bite a car. Yeah, it wouldn't end well for me. If I was going at the speed of a car, I could, yeah. But the dogs aren't going at the speed of Sonic. Look, I reckon I could bite a car, Dusha. It wouldn't end well for me. We've also got now a lot of dead dogs,

so I hope you're happy with that. Why have we got dead dogs? Because we've got dead dogs because we have a Sonic going at the speed of sound and a dog trying to chew it, which means you've got a thing at the speed of sound going through a dog jaw. Are you telling me a dog will survive this?

Well, I'm starting to think that you don't understand dog racing, dogs, and speed. What? You think a dog would definitely- What bit of dog racing have we- How? Do you think a dog jaw will cop a Sonic at the speed of sound to its face? I don't think- Why have dogs had at the speed of sound to its face? I don't think it would.

If a dog's head in the path of a Concord jet, it would be eviscerated. Yeah. Like that, dude. It's going to go for a bit of a bite, but yeah, his head's gone. Bloody butter. Yeah. So Sonic's not getting bitten. The same way that the jet isn't getting bitten.

Yeah, but if a jet hits an object at the speed of sound it's not good you know those jets that dismay him like the hull of a plane but the dogs are hitting sonic that's where the no they're not that's what's happening if i throw a ball at you and i'm like stick your hand out

so it hits you you'd struggle to do that and a ball goes so much slower a dog will not be able to stand in the way of sonic there's a lot of dogs on that dog track and hits you, you'd struggle to do that and a ball goes so much slower. A dog will not be able to stand in the way of Sonic. There's a lot of dogs on that dog track. Sonic is mowing through those dogs and they're causing some damage to Sonic.

There's like 8 dogs per dog race. You want to save the dogs in the dog race. I get it, dude. I get where you're coming from. The dogs are cute. They're greyhounds. They're adorable. They're a mist. They're a red mist, dude. I get where you're coming from. The dogs are cute. They're greyhounds. They're adorable. But they're a mist. They're a red mist, dude.

Okay, if the dogs are dead, so are you for being in the vicinity of something travelling at the speed of sound. So that's bad news for everyone at the dog track. What are you saying? Maybe we need to explain speed to you. Do you know what a sonic boom does to people? Pops the rear drums. probably doesn't kill them uh if you're that close to something doing a sonic boom it would kill you sonic would

also technically die but that's yeah uh there's a there's a so traveling at the speed of sound is also illegal in the u.s for that reason's dangerous. What about the guy in the plane, though? Yeah, it's banned now. You can't do it in America. Yeah, but how does he survive? He doesn't. Well, he's in a plane. Jackson, every time a pilot goes the speed of sound, they pop like a grain.

They die. No, it's the same way that we can- That's illegal, apparently. The plane just careens to the ground. How you can say- We should stop doing this. how you can say we should stop doing this how you can say that the pirate like that's crazy after spending five minutes saying dogs can't survive sonic running near them because they'll try and bite him even though they wouldn't even be able to see him yeah they would sense it

you don't understand dogs it's the same way that being on the outside of a spaceship is different from being inside a spaceship. If you're on the outside... That's about air, though. And gravity. And... Flux. Just accept that Sonic is going to careen with those dogs

and that might break his leg And then we're going to put him down like a horse Just enjoy it Dusha Just enjoy Sonic tearing through dogs Like a knife through butter Don't fight it, go with the flow Enjoy It's a cornucopia of dog carnage

That we've put out for you A banquet of eviscerated hounds And you're saying no no I'm full A banquet of eviscerated hounds and you're saying, no, no, I'm full. A buffet of red-misted pooches and you're like, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, I'll have none of this. Anyway. That's a great way to kill Sonic the Hedgehog, Zamet.

Thank you, man. I think you've gotten lost in your own plan. Just a quick recap. How are you killing Sonic the Hedgehog? Initially, it was No, no, no, no. Not initially. How are you killing Sonic the Hedgehog? Initially, it was... No, no, no, no, no. Not initially. How are you killing Sonic the Hedgehog? We're going to go to the dog track.

We're going to get him to bet and bet big. Then he's going to lose some money, and he's going to be like, oh, no. And hopefully, we're going to encourage him by maybe getting him a little bit drunk as well to keep betting and being like, man. Because even if he bets big and wins big, we're like, hell, yeah. Ride that wave. Keep going. Keep going. Just keep going. And eventually

he's going to be down to his last dollar, or no money, hopefully. And then when he's down to his last dollar, punch him in the bread basket. I get... Why are we doing this again? For the Chaos Emeralds. Chaos Emerald. I get a sweet Chaos Emerald. You get your name in the paper

for killing Sonic the Hedgehog. That's alright. A menace who runs too quick. That is good. That's my plan. Alright, so my method is far, far, far, far more streamlined. Sonic the Hedgehog, he's a showboating piece of shit. Loves showing off.

Sure. Famously, in the start of his games he's standing on the wing of a plane so i'll be like hey sonic i'm gonna put you in this cannon and shoot you out of it and he'll be fine with that um yeah but i'm gonna shoot him out over the ocean and be like hey you can try and catch this plane or something some kind of crazy stunt i'll lie that part doesn't matter and then when he's in the cannon i light the cannon and then i just push the cannon down shoots him into the bottom of the ocean sonic's one weakness is water he drowns i cheer I'll lie. That part doesn't matter. And then when he's in the cannon, I light the cannon and then I just push the cannon down, shoots him into the bottom of the ocean.

Sonic's one weakness is water. He drowns. I cheer. That's great. I feel like that a better strategy is just to block off the end of the cannon so Sonic explodes inside it. Sonic's like,

what's that plug for? And you're like, don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. And then Sonic just... And you just shoot viscera out the tip of the... It oozes out. Kind of like a pre-cum.

Yeah. Yeah. Because you don't... Like, while his weakness is water... He can't swim. He can swim. There's just, like, air bubbles as well. He can't swim.

He sinks, like... Yeah, he runs along the ground. He can't swim. Oh, that's true. He does. But he does come across a lot like air bubbles as well He can't swim He sinks like a fucking rock Yeah he runs along the ground He can't swim Oh that's true But he does come across a lot of air bubbles Yeah well he won't when he's fucking dead Could you drown Conceivably just drown him in a puddle

Like I mean you said this was more streamlined than mine But there was a lot of bullshit To get to this point Well there was no bullshit Yours had like four Mine was complicated There was a lot of bullshit to get to this point. Well, there was no bullshit. Yours had like four. Sonic, mine was complicated, but didn't fail at any point. Yes, I have to acquire a cannon.

And yes, I have to meet Sonic the Hedgehog and befriend him. Yes. And convince him to be shot out of this. Yeah, he has to trust me enough. Or just like, hey, Sonic, we're filming Jackass 4. You're in it. We're going to shoot shot out of this he has to trust me enough or just like hey Sonic we're filming Jackass 4 we're going to shoot you out of a cannon and then I just shoot him into the bottom of the ocean hey Sonic this is your hero Stevo

that's right we're shooting Jackass 4 yeah dude yeah get in the cannon Sonic we call this one Hedgehog Cannon but do the Jackass boys know this is Sonic, we call this one Hedgehog Cannon. But did the Jackass boys know this is an assassination attempt? They're not there. Oh, no, you killed that hedgehog.

Man, imagine getting the Jackass crew to be your assassin team and all your assassinations, and you just get famous political figures and make them do stunts you intentionally sabotage. Vladimir Putin's going to do the loop-de-loop, but, like, I don't know, somehow you poison the bike or whatever. Yeah, actually, enlisting Sonic to do Jackass 4,

but making, booby-trapping the traps so that they're not extreme stunts, they're death machines, is good. That is a good... I think that's a great idea. It's a great idea. I think it'd be entertaining. However, he might go through, like,

he might succeed. Like, it just might be on a level for him. He might do it, you know? Yeah. And then you have, you've created Jackass 4 rules. I mean, it's good. Yeah, well, then I get, then I at least get money out of it. Yeah, you're like, hey, wow, like, you know, you go on INDB for, for like Jackass 4 trivia, it's like, yeah,

originally developed as a kind of death trap assassination for Sonic. Would this be the first snuff film that didn't take? It's definitely the first snuff film to make bank. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, it just didn't work. They just made it through. It is great to imagine you're like,

Sonic, you have to like, climb across this rope over alligators and we're gonna shoot you with an airsoft rifle but it's just a real rifle you just riddle sonic the hedgehog with bullets but also i think you've you fall into the same problem as amma did and that sonic's quick like what yeah what jackass stunt can't sonic run away from by just the virtue of his ability jackals have a lot of stunts where you can just break your neck or die immediately no matter how fast you are give me a jackal stuff like okay uh drinking horse semen okay uh yeah great one that's a classic jack jackals too yeah well that's the thing he's not getting out of that one. He's got to jerk off a horse and then drink its cum, I guess. Humiliating. I think they jerked off the horse.

Putting a car toy in his nose. Yeah. Well, again, so Sonic the Hedgehog, smaller than a human being. Toy car. That's probably going to tear his insides. Yeah. He's got internal bleeding. Bam Majera and the crew were like,

Sonic, maybe you shouldn't be the one to do this. No, all right, far out. like, Sonic, maybe you shouldn't be the one to do this. No, all right, far out! No, Sonic, you're tiny. Also, Chris Pontius, the man who does do that, can barely walk when he's got the toy car in his ass, so that removes Sonic's ability to run. So maybe I put a little toy car in his ass and then I just hit him with a bat and he can't run away.

That's a strategy. Jackass has gotten more upsetting to watch, certainly. We don't film that part. We just have a tribute to Sonic the Hedgehog at the end. Fucking take a 2x4 to a waddling Sonic.

Sonic, it's a fun Jackass stunt. We're filming it. We're putting the car up our ass and you go into the doctor and Sonic's like, like Alright time to go into the doctor And then you just slam him with the baseball bat But then you gotta kill every other member of Jackass Because they weren't in on it And then at the end of Jackass 4 It's like in tribute to every member of Jackass

Jackass crew Why don't we just have a rap party Where I just put a bomb in the soup Or something You know the famous rap party where I just put a bomb in the soup or something. You know, the famous rap party soup. Yeah. Yeah, it's a hit. Bomb the soup.

Bomb the soup. Bomb the fucking soup. Yeah, do it. You go down with the ladle. Fuck. Sonic, you love soup. Yeah, it's chili dog soup. It's the famous jackass rat party chili dog soup.

Put a bomb in it. Whoa, fire up. And then he scoops it up, puts it in his plate. Oh, no, the soup was rigged to blow. What's his name? Rip Thorne or whoever the guy comes out with the confetti. He's dead in real life already. I don't have to kill that one.

Get his corpse! We'll dig it up! Yeah, you figure it out. All right, so your jackass, your Sonic assassination attempt has also for some reason become as convoluted as Zammet's, and I don't know how many times you try to kill Sonic. You're like, Sonic, we're proud of jackass now oh we're

putting you in a cannon oh wait no no no get on this little poison tricycle wait no no no no no no no no put this car up your ass okay eat the bomb soup sonic just eat the bomb soup that'll take care of you jackson we're attempting all of those things okay if one's successful. And if they're not successful I have the fail safe plan of I get a blockbuster film out of it. Yeah, exactly. But you go to jail for bombing a soup, dude. I'm not going to be like, I bombed the soup.

I'll be a safe distance. Who bombed the soup? The only person that survived this is this Joel Dusha man, and we're not quite sure why he was here to begin with. I'll be close enough to the... That'll be my Jackass stunt. I'll be close enough to the bomb that I get hurt enough

that people are like, it probably wasn't him, he was just lucky to survive. Jackass 4 in tribute to Sonic the Hedgehog, the Jackass crew, and the victims of the bombed soup disaster. 2020. Yeah, may they rest you're accepting the academy award you've got to be like damn we couldn't have imagined anyone would bomb the soup yeah i think what's gonna get you though is your hubris like you'll be accepting that award with a big smile and and you're gonna want to tell people that you bombed that suit. Nah, I would never

brag about something like that. I'd be quietly happy. And then if worse comes to worse, I'll just frame it on Phil Margera. He's my fall guy. I like to imagine you're accepting the Academy Award and you look like a supersonic version of yourself.

People are like, did he get the Chaos Emeralderalds is that what this look is John Dush is sporting a fresh new look on the red carpet you're just kind of floating bright gold hovering around what do you attribute your new look to it's a skin care regime

I drink nine glasses of water a day. You ever heard of goji berries? Yeah, that's this. Johnny Knoxville gave me the secret before he was tragically exploded by the bomb soup. Whoa. And I wouldn't dream of sharing it.

And then you hover inside. Yeah. Well, I'd be suspicious. I don't know if Sonic has lawyers or the Sonic estate has lawyers to take you down. Yeah, tails might be coming after you. Yeah. Great strategy. I fear a dog with two tails.

Who cares? Yeah, great strat. You definitely got him, I think, in the end. Yeah, I suppose so Made a profit There were some casualties And now a quick word from our sponsors Also hey plumbing is sweet as a summer breeze and all

But did you know that we produce at least 8 other podcasts Maybe you wish we'd stop talking about Superheroes and Star Wars and dog dicks And instead sort out which kind of frog Is the superior frog Or what would be the best kind of metal to be crushed under. If this sounds like you, then why not head to SandsPantsRadio.com

and search for Shut Up A Second, a nonsense podcast that's far better than it has any right to be. Jack, how are you? Well, I was thinking that the real problem with Sonic, and you've both encountered this as a problem and had to think about it on the fly, but it'll be my beginning strategy is that he's too quick. Obviously, we know know this he's a quick little mouse um so i was thinking

what slows people down hard drugs okay yeah so uh i was imagining like uh ketamine or horse tranquilizers which i think are ketamine yeah but bitch it's anything like that that i can value absolutely and so just get sonic addicted to them i'm like welcome to the party lifestyle sonic you've made it to the big leagues maybe i pose as an agent to try and get him into the glitz and glamour of hollywood i'm like we're making a movie sonic he's like didn't one come out already i'm like yeah shut up we're making a sequel and then I take him to fancy Hollywood parties I get him hooked on barbiturates he gets very

slow gotta go slow and then I take a leaf out of douche's book and whack him with a bat you know then hey off to prison for me I don't care I killed Sonic the Hedgehog I'm not worried about consequences here I just want him dead so

however it happens it's not a worry to me maybe maybe he's in the back of a limousine and i'm trying to take it back to his house and he's like drugged out of his mind and i just drive us both off a bridge yeah like i got you sonic the hedgehog i finally got you and we drown or whatever together that's my strategy so obviously horse tranquilizers have a different impact on people as they do to horses. So I wonder what the hedgehog's reaction to a horse trank would be. Because if it has a similar effect to just like a human being's ketamine, he won't be able to run well, but his speed wouldn't be gone. He might just go.

Yeah. Off. Oh, shit. His world would be sideways, but he'd be running somewhere. What about the other way, Jack and JD? As opposed to slowing him down, speed him up. Speed him up. Swap those downers for uppers.

Yeah, yeah. Get his heart pumping like the equivalent of a hummingbird, you know? Just, like, constantly going. Give Sonic the Hedgehog a heart attack. equivalent of a hummingbird you know just like constantly going because like i'm sorry well yeah all these drug talks and gossip mags that would be surrounding this are you trying to get sonic the hedgehog cancelled kelly's career yeah famous child entertainer sonic the hedgehog has today been seen ripping huge fat lines. Yeah. And I will go and make press releases for Sonic the Hedgehog that somehow make him seem worse than he is.

Yeah. I tried to stop him, but he won't. As his good friend and manager, I, Jackson Bailey, think that we should put down Sonic the Hedgehog. I have a gun right here, so if there are no objections, I'll do it right now. It's great to imagine all of the press being like, I think we can all agree that Sonic the Hedgehog

needs a bullet between the eyes, and I, as his manager and childhood best friend, should be the man to do it. Me and JD in the crowd, nodding enthusiastically like, yeah, yeah, get that rap! Zamet sitting there with lots and lots of gambling slips sitting in his pocket.

He failed from the dog track. Me sitting in a director's chair like yeah you should kill him that would be good we'll strategically place you amongst the crowd to get them riled up yeah being like I heard he sucks

and deserves to die my child played a Sega Entertainment System and now my child loves to huff paint i blame sonic the hedgehog and i think the only way to cure my child from it huffing paint is to shoot that hedgehog between its eyes if there are no objections and then i do it and i go to jail but i've been the fall guy the whole time. This was all part of the plan. Sonic loses his rings at the dog track. This was all part of the plan.

Loses his rings at the dog track. He's broke. He needs work. So he goes to Joel Dusha and he does Jackass 4, which damages his body and reputation even further. Then he comes to me desperate for more work and I I get him addicted to downers and doppers. Desperate for more work, and he needs medication to deal with the toll of the pain that Jackus4 has done to his body,

so he turns to self-medicating. You're encouraging that? And I then shoot him in front of thousands of people on the lawn of the White House in the middle of his eyes. And I say, don't worry, everyone. We got Sonic the Hedgehog. And then I drop the jail. And it says mission accomplished.

Beautiful. You're awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. Absolutely. I get a purple heart. Why not? Astronaut comes down. He gives you a baby. You kiss it on the cheek.

I'm running for mayor on this. Astronaut takes off its helmet. Ah, it's the queen. Everyone's happy. Oh, my God. Your Majesty. Yes, it is I, the man who killed Sonic the Hedgehog. Thank you so much.

The newspapers will just be like, Bearded Potato kills Quick Rat. Finally. World rejoices. And then we split the profits. Exactly. World rejoices. No one mourns.

Rat finally slayed. Yeah. Rat problem taken care of. Thank you, Jackson Bailey. We couldn't have done it without you they're gonna build you a fucking statue dude that rules they are they're gonna build me a statue of me holding sonic by the scruff of his neck with a handgun pointed to his head what if they make a statue of rat and latin that's what it'll say down the bottom. Deadest, rattest. Mortis, rattest.

Rat, mortuous. That's what it'll say at the bottom of my statue. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've been Joel. And Sonic the Hedgehog, he's been dead.