Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Kill the X-Men?

Episode Date: March 20, 2022

Our foolproof plan to unalive the original five X-Men where we take inspiration from real life birds, time travel and our extensive knowledge of the human reproductive system. Buy tickets to our London Tour at sanspantsradio.com/events!And if you want to sign up to NordVPN just head to https://nordvpn.com/deathstar or use code deathstar on checkout to get a huge discount off your NordVPN Plan + 1 additional month for free and a bonus gift! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Plumbing the Death Star are at it again. Against the Queen's best wishes, we're coming from Australia, travelling 25 hours or some shit to the UK to do a bunch of dirty live shows. You love us over there, we're institutions, we're like beans on toast, we're like the British pound. We're doing three shows. On the 22nd and the 25th of March, we're doing some intimate little shows at the Apple Tree. These shows will be cozy.

They'll be like going on a date with us. We'll look into each other's eyes over a plate of spaghetti and become aroused under the table. Look for tickets to these shows in the show notes below or sanspantsradio.com slash events. On the 27th of March, we're going big boy mode with a 400 seater at Leicester Square. We'll probably spend the whole first 10 minutes being like, holy shit-a-rolly, that's a bunch of guys. So if you want to see that shit, and fair enough, head to santspantsradio.com slash events and grab your tickets.

Leicester Square also is nearly sold out, so for the love of God, hurry up. Once again, that's santspantsradio.com slash events to grab your tickets. Come see some very handsome boys say some very stupid things. Once again, santspantsradio.com slash events. Ka-chow! Lightning McQueen. You're listening to the Sants Pants Network.

Home of comedy. Culture. Adventures. And ghosts. Hey! Hey! Hey, everybody! Hey!

Hey! Welcome to today's episode of... Just the most about-to-ask-a-girl-to-the-dance... Hey! Hey! Hey! What are you doing later? It's Jackson. Hi, I'm Joel. You know the dance? It's...

Hey! You good? You got this out of your system? I think so. For the moment. Fucking hello, everyone! Welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star out of your system? I think so. Yeah. For the moment. Fucking hello, everyone. Welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star. I am Joel.

I'm Jackson. And I'm also Joel. And this is a podcast where we ask the important questions like, how would you kill the X-Men? You're having fun with it. That's what's most important. Look, listeners. You don't seem so tired. The wind's out of your sails completely. It is probably worth noting at this point

that a little something is in the air. And that little something is called the novel coronavirus. And unfortunately due to that, we had the fucking bright idea to record for three days straight. This is day two, and every episode you've heard from, remember way back when we were talking

about Twilight a month and a half ago? It's the same day for us. It's the same fucking day. My brain's fucked's fucked anyway how would you kill the x-men i guess yeah great news the next episode you next week probably same day we're trying to be safe and not be in the same room too much that's a good three months worth of podcast in one day it's clever yeah it's been smart so far. I'm having a good one. Let us know. When you're hearing this announcement mid-March, let us know. One, could you tell?

Two, was this clever? Three, will you still listen to next week's episode knowing it's from the same two days? Same three-hour period. from the same two days. Same three hour period. So yes, well, I was flipping through some of the old comics

and this came back in the onslaught saga where Xavier gets all fuckled and he wants to kill everybody. Sure. Doesn't he get like a guy in him or something? Yeah.

Yeah, they say yes. That saves so much time. That's all I need to know. Unless you say, yeah, he gets like a fucking guy in him, he's like, I'll kill the X-Men.

Anyway, they're like, well, we need to, you know, like the remaining X-Men are like, we should like probably like go to, I think it's like Muir Island or wherever, and it's like, hey, let's go there. And when they go there, they uncover something called the Xavier Protocols, which is basically Xavier being like,

almost like his doomsday plan. If any of the X-Men got a little bit lippy and he got to get rid of them yeah and so they were just like well this is fucked because he's got very much

like I would argue very detailed plans yeah without a neutralize and take out some of the X-Men and we were

we only got to see like a couple of them yeah yeah and so I just want to read out just a few of them and remember these are very like again yeah for sure

for sure really well thought out plans for Cyclops you know Cyclops the guy's got like laser vision shoots from his eyes so his very in depth plan is helmet which neutralizes his optic beam

brilliant it's a brilliant plan if I was professor I mean I know that this is what the episode is but straight away it's a brilliant plan. If I was Professor, I mean, I know that this is what the episode is, but straight away, there's a much easier plan. Boop, boop, boop. Shoot backwards. Well, this is if maybe Xavier isn't there, so you can't just rely on Xavier.

Can't rely on the boopin'. So Storm, she's a weather witch, she controls the weather. She also has extreme claustrophobia. Oh, okay. So it's like an expanding polymer, deprives the ability to move, and then provokes her claustrophobia.

So, you know, piece of shit move, really. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolute dick move, for sure. And for Wolverine, a long-range attack, and to sever his head, and place the head and body far apart. So these are the plans that we got to see, and we're like, wow, what a monster.

Yeah. Because those are the plans he had while he was a good guy, and then when he was a bad guy, he's like, well, time to do this. Time to chop off Wolverine's head. But put it in a box, but far away from his body. Yeah, so that's what Xavier had. He had a nuclear bomb dropped on him, and he was fine. I think he'll get his head back to him,

tongue his way back to his body. So, okay, let's, for us, to his body. So, okay. For us, to create our plumbing protocols. Hang on. Just back to Wolverine. If you leave his head severed for long enough. Does he grow another body? No.

Will his body grow another head? I reckon, yeah. There's a lot of Wolverines. Does his head grow another head? No, the bottom accidentally. Make it like head nunchuck. His body grows another head, but the head doesn't have a brain in it. So it's just like an empty sack head.

His head grows a body that can't move. And then Wolverine's like, I fucked up bad. At one point, there were a lot, like Wolverine was almost in like every comic book that Marvel put out. Wolverine was almost in every comic book that Marvel put out. So that theory may have come true because there is no way that that little mutant could have been in every way. He's like a worm. You chop him in half, you make two worms. You chop a worm in half, you get a dead worm. Yeah, that is true.

So yeah, I guess he'd be like a worm. You chop him in half and you'd die But yes, for making the plumbing protocols To take out the X-Men The plumbing protocols sounds like you're trying to kill us Gun, gun, gun Gun, gun, poison sandwich If the Xavier protocols wasn't just about

How to kill me Professor Xavier hidden in a little box Is the perfect way to kill him. Don't think shoot me. Although he was actually part of the protocol so

he'd be like take me out with I think it's like an anti-psychic armor. What I love about that is

that like cause you know clearly I don't know which came first. Anti-psychic armor. Real easy to

get. Anti-psychic armor. This feels like it's cribbed from the classic Justice League story

where Batman it is discovered has made a bunch of protocolsbed from the classic Justice League story where Batman, it is discovered, has made a bunch of protocols to take out the Justice League. But then in the end, they're like, there wasn't one for you. And he's like, the Justice League is the one, that's the one to take me out if I ever go bad. And I love that Xavier's like, magic arm. Put the ghost in my armor that I can't, you know, boop my way through, that'll do it.

You guys can't kill me regularly. You suck shit. Maybe you got like a six suit of armor. Yeah, that would fuck me up. So, but let's pick the original five X-Men to take out. Iceman. Okay, yeah. Great beginning. Beast? Yep. I thought you were

going through how to kill them and you're like, Iceman, and they clearly had no plan. I don't know. There's an easy play for us. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Iceman, Beast, Jean Grey. Cyclops.

And Angel. Yes, that's the five original. I have listened at some points during Plumbing the Death Star and remembered that clearly. Yeah, absolutely. Angel, make them sin. Angel, I don't know why the first sin I thought of was adultery. Yeah, mine was premarital sex.

So, to take out Angel, first we gotta get him married, but we gotta make him fuck his wife before they're married, and then make him fuck someone else afterwards. So really, double tap him. Guess what, Angel? Angel, you sinned.

You can't get your powers from God anymore. What do you mean? I'm a mutant. Oh, no. I don't get my power from God. Sorry, sir. Why do you still have wings? What happened to your wings falling off?

Where did you get this? Dear God. Hang on. How did you even set this? Wait, is she not in love with me? Oh, no, she is. Oh, no, no, this? Dear God. Hang on. How did you even set this? Wait, is she not in love with me? Oh, no, she is. Oh, no, no. This is all real.

I mean, she was until you broke her heart by having an affair. I meant I was pointing to the woman I had an affair with, right? That was pure lust. I didn't do shit. So if I leave my wife, she's not going to come with me? You mean she's not going to be with me? Oh, no. It was.

Too sad to fight. It's so sad to come with me. Does he mean she's not going to be with me? Oh, no. It was. Too sad to fight. He gets so sad his wings fall off. You know what happens with birds. Yeah, birds get too sad. They're like. Ah, fuck. Gotta cheer up the birds. No, he's got a tube with a beak.

Birds of Saga usually shit without its wings. It's okay, buddy. It's okay, buddy. You're going to be okay. Oh, he's just rolling around.

Lift that little beak to the sky, little buddy. You'll be all right. You'll be all right. There's always another bird for you to bird fuck. What is he saying

about bird? Come on. She might come back, dude. She might come back, dude. She'll come back, buddy. There's plenty more birds in the sky. Or knobs growing in shoulders. Yeah, that's right, Jim. Have a beer.

That'll cheer you up. Yeah, you just gotta get one over us. Yeah, you'll be right. Okay. Angel. Tick. So sad his wings fell off like a bird. He's too sad.

Does Angel get any other powers? So Angel has the power of flight. Great. He's also got hollow bones at some point. That's a weakness. Yeah, right. Well, is money a power? Yeah.

He's got a lot of it. He's also- Easy. When he's so sad we drive over him with a steamroller and because of his weak bones he just becomes flat like a pancake

and dead. He also has his blood as healing properties so he can use his blood to heal people and maybe himself. Okay. Um,

and, uh, depend when we get him, he might have, um, so he's already turned into a blue skinned, uh, metal winged archangel.

Uh huh. And that, then he can shoot like metal, uh, feathers at people and, and hurt them. Or, yeah,

that would hurt me. More recently, um, he can just transform into that. So he's like usual guy, feathery wings, but I think he's mad. Then he turns into the archangel. Well, what I'm thinking is that our current strategy is not an outright attack. That's true. So he's not attacking us back. That's true. And when he's so sad, his wings fall off.

He's done. He's got hollow bones and healing blood, but his wings have fallen off not from damage, but from being too sad. From angst. Yeah. Well, I guess he's very similar to just a big bird. So I guess a big net, and then you make him sad.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. And then he's good. Whatever. Taken care of. And then he's good. Whatever. Taken care of. And here's the trick. Here's the horrible sort of cycle is that he's going to be so sad

his wings have fallen off they'll never grow back. Yeah. So he's kind of permanently Especially when once a week we pop in and be like oh no, his wings still haven't grown back.

His wings still haven't grown back and you're no longer with your wife. Yeah. And your affair didn't go anywhere. Yeah, too bad. Because once you cheat

on your wife you can't You can't un-cheat. You can't Because once you cheat on your wife, you can't... You can't un-cheat. You can't expect the person that you cheated with to trust you because they know what your previous relationship history is like. Exactly. Dickhead.

And he just stays there and cries. You gotta think about these things before you have an affair. Alright? There's no going back. Yeah. Is your superpower to un-fuck someone that's not your wife, Angel? No? Oh. You can't un-fuck those genitals, back. Yeah. Is your superpower to unfuck someone that's not your wife, Angel? No? Oh.

You can't unfuck those genitals, buddy. Too bad. I'm pretty sure. We head out. He can unfuck people? No, no, no. Because that's a great superpower. I mean, I'm pretty sure very early on, he also had the mutant power of carrying a gun.

Okay, so first of all, not the type of gun I was expecting. Second of all, don't hold it like that. What? He's holding a revolver above his head whilst flying with both hands. But he's holding it with his fingers on the trigger with both hands. It's like a diving action, but he's flying.

It almost looks like a flare gun. It looks like he's about to stab someone with the gun and both hands. That's bonkers. Well, you stab someone with the gun and pull the trigger, you can't miss. It's true. All right, well, Angel was easy. He's basically just a big turkey you make sad. Yeah.

I liked your Cyclops idea of making him do it backwards. Let's talk about this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So mind control makes it a bit easier of, hey, shoot backwards. What about if we give him new glasses that are so good that they don't just stop it? They mirror it back into his brain it won't cut his brain off but it might cave in his head i guess it was concussive blasts what might happen is he like turns it on and it just fires the glasses off which

so i'm gonna imagine them hitting us, not killing us, but just- Oh! He's like, he's always firing, basically, he's always on. Yeah, eyes are open, he's always firing. Yeah, he's always firing, that's why, so basically the concussive blasts are actually hitting the ruby quartz or whatever and blowing back into his face. So he's always basically getting hit by his own laser. What?

I assume that was just absorbing them or something. Not that they were bouncing back into his own head. He's immune to it, because that's what if he bleeks. But that's like... Oh, yeah. Wait, is he immune? Yeah. Him and Havoc are immune to each other's powers

because they're brothers. It was like a storyline that the X-Men, like a thread that they used for a bit to be like, if you're related, your powers cancel each other out powers because they're brothers. It was like a storyline that the X-Men, like a thread that they used for a bit to be like, if you're related, your powers cancel each other out. Didn't go far. That's one that stuck for a bit.

If Wolverine had a brother, which he does, and Wolverine stabbed his brother, he'd be like, well, we're related, so too bad. Even though those are knives

on your hands. But this is more like, if you had super strength, you could punch yourself with a hand. You would suffer no head. Yeah. As if you like. Well, yeah.

You would suffer no consequences. Yeah. Because also, if you had super strength, I guess your face would be strong. Yeah. Yeah.

So, yeah. You could just constantly pummel yourself. That's good. You could punch yourself and you'd be fine. I have to speed bag my knots

because I'm immune. If you're Colossus, rightossus right the guy can turn into metal and so if you're in as a metal man and then you punch your metal face you're fine right yeah would it just feel the same

as if you normally punch your face yeah hurt a bit but you would seem crazy I guess people that saw you do it are just testing to my powers. Okay, Cyclops. I mean, whatever.

Yeah, I don't like this, that the powers don't work on people you're related to when the powers can be physical. Well, if the powers are like knives for hands, then that's probably you're going to stab your brother. What about, okay, so we took out Angel, not through physical attacking, which I think brother. What about, okay, so we took out Angel not through physical attacking, which I think is clever.

Well, weirdly, you're being like, hey, Angel, you cheated on your wife, right, but you've got Cyclops here who does nothing but cheat on his wife. Yeah, but he doesn't get his powers from God. That's true. And he can't get too sad that his wings fall off. He's always sad. But he can be sad

enough to that maybe he's out of the fight and you just go drinking with him. Well, I'm thinking what if we inject him with some kind of magic poison or elixir that makes him grow eyes all over his body. And then he just fires out lasers constantly and his life's too difficult and he goes away. Well, no, because

then he's destroying everything. Well, he is dangerous. Yeah, but he's not our problem. No, but you've made him more dangerous. You're like, man, what if we gave this rabbit bear an extra mouth? Ah, shit. Yeah, in fact, giving him an elixir that got rid of his eyes. You're blinding him, you know?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Does he sleep with his sunglasses on? He has to. Idiot. Is he hyperv his sunglasses on? He has to. Idiot. Is he hypervigilant? As in like...

Like if we snuck into his room and beheaded him... I want to say yeah. Imagine being Cyclops and everybody else has a really complicated way to kill you or kill them or whatever. And then you find out yours is beheading. Behead him while he sleeps. Either. He sleeps. Either. He sleeps real well.

I reckon he'd be very easy to make sad because he's already halfway there. Yeah. And I think all you've got to do is be like, because again, sometimes the Xavier Chronicles aren't just about killing the X-Men. It's about neutralizing them, but we kind of want to kill them. Yeah. So it could be about like, that's all right. Let's go have a drink.

You are sad. You need someone to talk to. You need someone to take the pressure off. You have all these things, all these expectations going. So why don't we just go have a beer? Yeah. Yeah, maybe. But then he could get happy again.

It feels temporary. Yeah, he could just see another telepath that he wants to cheat on. Yeah, exactly. And then all of a sudden, whatever. He's happy again. He's back to being a threat. Maybe we table Cyclops for the moment. Yeah, because all of my plans are I-beam related, but he's immune.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What about just a gun? Yeah, because his body is a weak human body, right? Yeah. Okay, so pillow over his head while he sleeps, put two in the... Wait a second. Is there a way we can become his brother?

So, bye. I guess you could... What's step two of your plan? If we were like, yes. Well, then he can't hurt us with his optic blasts. We just bat him in his sleep. We were like, yes. Well, then he can't hurt us with his optic blasts. We just pared him in his sleep. It just seems like a good beginning.

I was like, well, I guess maybe kill Havoc, skin him, and wear his body like a suit. Go back in time. Get myself as a sperm. How? How are you doing that? Going back in time. How you doing that? Open up your dad's balls.

Yeah. You jerking off your dad? Is that what you're doing, you creep? Especially doing it with like a needle. You get a needle in your dad and the balls, you creep? Let's suck up your dad's cum out of his balls? You creep. I'll get a doctor to do it.

Oh, you got to get a doctor. You won't even do it to your own dad, you creep. You got to get a per to do it. Oh, you got to get a car. You won't even do it to your own dad, you creep. You got to get a pervert doctor now. You and the pervert doctor going to go get your cum out of your dad's balls, huh? If I remove my cum, if I remove me. How are you going to know which one's you, huh? Yeah. Oh, I think he heaps.

You're going to drain your dad's balls, huh, creep? You also got to get, I guess, your mother's egg. Yeah, well, no, because I was going to, oh, yeah, that is how you got me. Yeah, you're not just 100% calm as much as you think you are. Despite what your general vibe suggests, you're not 100% calm. Yeah, dude. Damn, I was like, oh. You just created a pervert.

That's all you've done. Pretty much all you've done is go back in time to look at your dad's balls. Yeah, you've gone back in time to give your dad a tickle. I don't know why. Step one of my plan. Go back in time, peep my dad's balls. Gone back in time, you jerked off your dad, which means that the cum that you would have come from is now on the floor.

So then when your dad comes you fade away and he he he he comes another kid and then you no longer exist fingers crossed for his sake his new son is not a pervert i was like maybe i can get that gum put it in cyclops's dad and then be born in his dad okay i fundamentally don't know how human reproduction works now. And now a quick word from our sponsors. I am fearless when it comes to exploring the internet. I like to get in there, just sloshing around, exploring the riskiest of websites,

stuff absolutely full of adware, and bots hounding after my data like rabid dogs. If I went in there unprotected, it'd be 15 minutes before someone on the other side of the world was using my brain to mine Bitcoin, making steam come out of my ears like a cartoon character. The reason I can be so fearless is NordVPN. NordVPN provides top-notch security for browsing the web with a simple click of a button.

Just choose from one of over 5,300 plus servers in 60 countries, and you'll be safe as houses from any nefarious sorts looking to steal your data. Plus, access to those servers means access to content from any of those 60 countries. Something not available in your country? No problem, buddy. You're from any of those 60 countries. Something not available in your country? No problem, buddy. You're a citizen of the world now. Grab your exclusive NordVPN deal by going to nordvpn.com slash death star. Use the code death star to get a huge discount off your NordVPN plan, plus one additional month for free. Plus a bonus gift. It's completely risk-free with Nord's 30-day money-back guarantee.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So me, a sperm, I'm going to swim into his knot. And then my sperm and his testicle are going to make it a baby. No, I thought he would chop me into cycles as mom. Why'd you have to do it? could have just like IVF'd with I don't want to rob them of their magical knife Are you going to travel back in time So then he's going to be like

Honey, I just got jammed in the balls With a man wielding a syringe Saying come me into your life. This is my daddy, come. This is me. I've never been so turned on in my life. Come here. And she'll be like, oh my, that's crazy

because I just got stabbed today as well by the same man. I got the zerg out of my mom's pussy. So then you've just created, okay, so let's just say that the very unlikely scenario of that working, they then make sweet, passionate love. Great. But then you're still not related to Cyclops because you've made your dad and your mom egg and sperm and then just put them in a different body. You've surrogated yourself. Fucking idiot.

Shit. Shit. Shit. Okay. But you've also not met, well then Cyclops doesn't, or would you share the womb with Cyclops? Well, I don't know what just happened. Nothing good, I can be sure of that. Well, what if I only did half of it? What?

Then you're not you. You lived in half of it? No, like you said, I only took the cum or the egg. Oh, you only did half of it. So I'm like a half-brother of Cyclops. Yeah, but then you're not. The person that would take over you would be a half-brother. Yeah.

Yeah. Wait a second. You're saying you don't want to ruin their magical night. So you're doing this when Cyclops or Havoc was being conceived? Yeah, so that I'm born alongside them. Do you not know how siblings work? Well, because if you're doing that, I feel you're cancelling out one of them. Well, yeah, either way.

If I'm cancelling out Havoc, that's good. No, if you're cancelling out Cyclops, that's good. Well, yeah, then either way. Either way. Okay. New plans. Havoc, that's good. No, if you're cancelling out Cyclops, that's good. Well, yeah, then either way. Okay, new plan. No, no, no, no, hear me out. New plan. Jackson's fucked up.

Sorry, good plan. But he makes sure it happens the night that Cyclops is conceived and then Jackson's conceived instead of Cyclops. Yeah. I mean, I guess. Two down. Two down. Two down. We did it.

Oh, nailed it. I come up to you guys, I'm like, I did it. Two down. We did it. Whoa. Nailed it. I come up to you guys. I'm like, I did it. You're like, did what? I killed Cyclops. Who? There were only four X-Men, Jackson. Well, yes.

Well, now three. Guys, I went to a lot of effort. I have a new mom. I aged 30 years to get up to this moment. So let's all just be happy it happened. So were you raised by... He faded away.

So yeah, were you raised by Cyclops' parents? Well, maybe the other me's still around because I had to raise the new me to kill Cyclops. I guess he's already dead. He never existed. Yeah.

So you would have been raised by them, right? Yeah. So then when they get taken by the Shiar Empire, I guess you have to then deal with your brother? Yeah, because I don't get any mutant powers because I'm just me. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Two down.

Two out of five five cyclops no longer exist yeah yeah all right you just got a much better brother yeah okay it was a lot of work to get there but we we did it in the end do you know that you are not a summers i mean the sperm that you took that makes you doesn't have memories. So you wouldn't know shit about fuck. Well, maybe I have to raise myself then. Hell. The me.

Okay, because I guess it is the same. The me that put the me. But using that logic, and I've got some bad news for you, because we use that logic, Cyclops still exists. Because you've just made a separate timeline. Yeah, well, but in the separate timeline. But then in the separate timeline, Angel's still fine. Well, then we just make him sad.

He's way too old. You come back and you're like, all right, this timeline, right off. Like, what could you possibly mean? You've got to jump into the next one with me. I've taken care of 1% or, you know, 5%. Okay, if I have five things and I take away one thing, how much percent is that? Oh, you said one, then five.

Wanna have a third crack? Nah, it's best not. Potentially, were you thinking maybe 20%? Yeah. That's what you're thinking? I should have tried to trick you and be like, would you say 25%? You would be like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, you'd be wrong again.

Yeah, that would have been fair too. Anyway. Jean Grey. Okay, thank you, Jackson Summers. Jean Grey. Well, the good news is that you can probably just get Jean Grey to read your mind. Yeah. And then.

Well, okay, so this Jean Grey. Never again. So this Jean Grey doesn't have a Scott. Okay, yes. Okay. Okay, what does that do? We gotta, look, we just gotta assume that it's the Jean Grey we know with the power set we know. Okay.

All right. Oh, wait. We're pre or post Phoenix. That it's the Jean Grey we know with the power cell we know Okay Alright Oh wait We're pre or post Phoenix One is gonna be tough Well Yeah Well I guess it's 30 years into Scott's life

Okay so she's already been the Phoenix for a bit Okay Well they were fucked off for a while Okay so she's So she's just psychic She's just psychic Yeah psychic and teleconnect. Yeah, okay.

Okay, okay. Well. How do you deal with someone that can read your mind? Yeah, yeah, yeah. My first thought is think bad thoughts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, again. She can shut that off.

Yeah, she can control your brain. Just disintegrate me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Lift you up and into the sun. Can I think poison thoughts that when she gets, they make her sick? Ah, yes. So what you could do is to be like, Jean Grey, Jean Grey, oh my God, someone needs your help. You need to read my mind to tell you.

And then she reads your mind and poison thoughts. Yeah, I've poisoned my thoughts. So basically we've got to give you some sort of like psychic cancerous poison brain. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Basically, we've got to give you some sort of psychic cancerous poison brain that then when she reads it, it's like a booby trap that goes off and then she gets got. Can I just say, I went through a lot of trouble to get rid of Scott Somers. If we can poison someone else's brain. I feel like I've done one.

You poisoned my brain, that's fair. Because Jean Grey telekinesis and telepathy. Telepathy. It's a tough one. It's a tricky one. But like not. You could confuse her. Yeah.

By like. No thoughts. Bear trap and no thoughts. I was going to say like. Read my mind. Confusing, maybe. Okay. And assume that, like, really believe that she, as the Phoenix Force,

or is maybe turning into the Phoenix Force and doing all of that again. And that might be like, oh, no, I'm doing it again. This is bad. Because one of the times where she got, like, fucked over a bit was through a guy who did basically illusions Oh okay So you're saying if we go stand in a field And think really hard

If we gaslight ourselves Into thinking that Jean Grey Turned into the phoenix again And did some real bad shit She might be like oh no I need to take a time out and fly off into space maybe Oh okay What if I just keep calling her Jeans Grey?

Get so annoyed she leaves. Thanks Jeans. Thanks Jeans Grey. And you always wear really obvious bright blue denim jeans. And she's like, what is he trying to say? It's so crazy that you're named after the pants I have. And by her jeans?

Yeah. Jeans, I got you some jeans. Matches your name. Denim jeans. And buy her jeans. Yeah. Yeah. Jeans. I got you some jeans. Yeah. Matches your name. Denim jeans. And I got you this jeans jacket. Yeah.

For you, jeans. And she's just like, I can't be having with this. She goes. Yeah. We got three. Can we combine our plans? Okay. Jeans, grey, make her think she's the Phoenix Force, poisoned thoughts.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we. So we imagine Gaslighting seems to be the answer here But it's hard Yeah, because we obviously know That our plan is to Make her think she's doing the phoenix force And if she reads our thoughts

She gets all of that info Yeah So we're idiots So gaslighting ourselves, probably we, well, we're idiots. Yeah. So gaslighting ourselves, probably not hard. No, we can convince ourselves.

For sure. What we got to do is maybe tell another, like a fourth or fifth friend of ours to like, Hey, in about six weeks, tell us this thing. Yeah. We'll have forgotten.

We'll have definitely forgotten. You've got to tell us like, what is real. Yeah. And maybe if you could doctor up some like news clippings, we will a hundred percent. We believe it yeah yeah and then she sees that we think she's the phoenix force yeah and she doesn't and then she's like oh my god what happened here no one else can but these three individuals have this memory of me doing this yeah and we just basically make her

a little bit like oh no, did I do this? I need to take some time out, and then she shifts off to space, maybe. It seems sound. And she doesn't have the Phoenix Force, so she shifts off to space and dies in space? I was assuming she'd get a shuttle. No, that makes more sense than just going up.

Well, maybe at this point she might have the Phoenix Force. Yeah, that's true. Can we do a thing as well? Just another suggestion just thrown out there. One of us thinks a really loud thought that she wants to turn off and there's bear traps all around us. And she like runs to us to turn off the thought, gets caught in the bear trap. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Also, with you being Jackson Summers, and you would maybe, no, you don't have, no one has memory of Scott. No, nobody remembers Scott at all. He never existed in this universe. I took care of him. No, but you grabbed us into this universe, so you have memories of Scott Summers.

Yes. So you could use that to our advantage. In fact, you actually might be really good to gaslight her. All you've got to do is be like, try to forget that this is a new universe which I think you might have already yeah I am getting confused to be honest like you just thinking about the fact she was

in love with someone but you're from a different universe and that person doesn't exist anymore that's what I mean like you could be like there's all these memories that you have of all the new shit like that she could come over to me because I'm thinking something terrible I'm thinking like what if Mr. Fantastic went up his own asshole and then like made him again in his own stretchy skin, you know?

She's like, stop that. She comes down to touch me to kill me or whatever. And then I give her all of her memories with Scott Summers. And then the extra indignity that I have taken his place in this universe. And she becomes mentally deranged. Flies into space. And then the extra indignity that I have taken his place in this universe. Yeah. And she becomes mentally deranged. Yeah. Flies into space.

And then, yeah, flies in space. Maybe the Phoenix Force, that's when it gets her. Yeah. And then she goes on a rampage. Yeah. I get it. They can hear off. Fair enough. Anyway.

Whoa. Why would he do that? This is disgusting. I can't stop thinking about it loudly. That's great. Okay. Three out of five. Done. All right't stop thinking about it loudly. That's great. Okay. Three out of five. Done.

All right. Next one. Iceman. Beast. Beast, before he becomes a beast, he's just a guy with big feet and big hands. And, like, he can do, like, straight and shit. Do we know he becomes blue and furry? I mean, I would assume, yeah.

Yeah. So then eventually he experiments on himself and he becomes blue and furry? I mean, I would assume, yeah. Yeah. So then eventually he experiments on himself and he becomes blue and furry. And then he either experiments on himself a bit further or just random mutation happens again. He becomes a cat man. Yeah. Like, can we force mutations? See if we can turn him into just a cat? It feels like the person to do that to is him.

Yeah. You'd be like, Beast, I know maybe you want to kill us for putting one of your good friends out of existence. Who? Never mind. Making Angel so sad his wings fall off like a bird. Yeah. So, I know you want to kill us. However, have you thought about experimenting on yourself more? Yeah.

And he'd be like, I haven't. I would love to. Maybe your powers will become super even better, dude. And we pray that he looks more like a sick cat. Take him to the vet. Get put down. Yeah. He keeps on doing it.

We're like, you got to keep trying. You got to keep trying. He gets smaller, more cat-like. Sicker and sicker. And then we take him to the vet. Excuse me, vet. My blue cat is ill. It was brown and now it's blue.

X-Man beast. And we're like, yeah, he says that. That's just like, you know how sometimes a cat will meow and it sounds like words? That's what you just heard, sir. Could you please put my cat down and suffer? Could you please put my cat down quickly? I am the X-Man beast. They have imprisoned me.

I see. Meow, meow, meow. Don't know what that was. Us or our cat. Yeah, see, meow, meow, meow. Don't know what that was. Us or our cat. Yeah, but... Are you going to be the first vet to sign with a cat over a guy? I know that... We will ruin you.

Excuse me, vet. Look at this. It's a cat. We are but men. I know I appear to be a cat, but I am the ex... Call the ex-mansion. Did you just hear a meow? If you're going to call the ex-mansansion vet on the word of a cat,

I will lose a deer for respect for you. It'll go down to here. Do you understand? I will tell my friends and family not to come to this vet clinic because the vet. Hey, Mr. Vet, I already have you up on Google Maps, and I can look at your reviews. It would be a shame if one got a one star now, wouldn't it? One star thought my cat was talking.

Wouldn't put it down. Do not come to this vet if you want to put your cat down. Will refuse. This vet is a coward. Do you want to be known as a coward? Do you want to be known as the cowardly vet who would not put down a blue cat? Oh, the hero that killed that gross cat. It's so sick.

Look at him. He's coughing. He's so sick. Cats aren't meant to be blue. That's fucked up. They're not meant to talk either. I mean, he's not talking. He's not talking.

He's just meowing wrong. And you think it might be a talk. Please do not put me down. I am an X-Man, one of Earth's mightiest defenders. I don't know what he's saying. It's just just a meow it's just a you hit what are you here sir I hear this hearing something else that's great that's I'll say it that's crazy this is weird talk he just sounds like a cat to me I don't know hmm we'll do it if you want you just give us a staff yeah we can take care of it yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's four now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Beast successfully gets put down at the vet. We bully a vet into

putting down Beast. Yeah, yeah, yeah, And then finally, last and easiest, Iceman. Iceman. Make the room

too hot. A mega level mutant can bring himself back from like the moisture in the air.

Yeah. Oh, he's strong now. I forgot. Yeah, he can travel basically through any kind of liquid. Where's the least moisture? Space? Nah, he can travel in space these days.

Is he like an ice silver surfer now? I don't know. He made, like, when they terraformed Mars, he was a big part of it. He was out there breathing without a helmet. Okay. It's one of them things you're like, oh, he's powerful as shit. If you take a bit of him and you separate it, you pull the Professor X's Wolverine trick.

Yeah. Are all those bits sentient? I believe, I don't know about they're sentient, but he can bring himself back together. Like once he got decapitated, he was just a head, and he put himself back together through everyone's piss. Oh! Maybe we just let him stick around.

Let's go. See what happens there. Well. They were in hell at the time. If he reconstitutes himself from any moisture in the area, can we just have bad moisture that he could reconstitute himself from? This is sort of my poisoned thought. Well, he reconstituted himself from X-Men piss. Yeah.

Did he come back good or wrong? Yeah, he came back good. Yeah, but, like, I just feel X-Men have good piss. Yeah, that's true. Maybe the piss of three idiots. What would coming back as dog piss do to a person? Yeah. So step one, three big buckets of dog piss.

Step two, slop them on the floor. You've got to slop that floor up with dog piss. Why are we dipping them out? Three, we've killed Iceman. Yeah. Step. Yeah. Lock've killed Iceman. Yeah. Step. Yeah. Locked his body in.

The capitated Iceman. We put his head in there. In the dog piss. In the dog piss. In the dog piss room that's slopped all over the floor. He reconstitutes from dog piss. It's yellow? It's stinky?

He's like, yuck. Yeah. Changes it, I guess, because he's Iceman. He can do that. Yeah. Fuck. Yeah, he goes somewhere else. Surely he's Iceman. He can do that. Fuck! Yeah, he goes somewhere else. Surely he can't purify his own water.

Yeah. That would be absurd. Yeah, that would make me sick. How do you kill Iceman at this point? Has he ever died? What about this? No, I think I figured it out. We wait till it's Christmas season in America.

Oh, yeah. We push Iceman over in front of a bunch of kids having a snowball fight. Okay? They tear him to shreds. Okay? To get snowballs out of his body. Then when he comes back furious and hits one of the kids, he goes to jail.

Goes to jail slash cancelled. Yeah, we cancel him. Iceman hit kid. I was going to say, or similar situation, but basically you encourage this is what you want, Iceman. You want to fight. You want to fight people. You want to be bringing Christmas cheer everywhere.

There are places where they don't have snow. Go on. Maybe become your own. And there's no team left anymore, Iceman. Maybe become your own, like your solo winter wonderland. How are you not disheartened? Go and bring Christmas cheer to places. I don't know if you've heard about this song.

I think from an episode of Do Go On that I did. Yeah, sure. I'm pretty sure it was Bob Geldof. Okay. And it was a charity song called Don't They Know It's Christmas. It's really a little bit of poor taste. Anyway, it's very, and maybe, what if you went to places where they don't have Christianity or Christmas, and you go and spread that cheer.

Get it cancelled another way. And I'm pretty sure we can get Bob Geldof on board. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You want to meet him? You want to meet Bob? Organise a meet and greet with Bob Geldof. Bob Geldof and Iceman. And be like, you remember the charity song, Don't They Know It's Christmas?

Don't they know it's Christmas time at all? Step two, get Iceman to push an ostensibly Christian holiday. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They are not Christian. Step three, take to Twitter. Start smearing his name. Can you believe what Iceman is doing? Iceman, fundamentalist Christian.

Hashtag cool appropriation, referencing the fact that he's Iceman. Exactly. Bada bing, bada boom, he's cancelled. He's going to go into hiding. Yep. The X-Men are done. Professor X, he's Iceman. Exactly. Bada bing, bada boom. He's cancelled. He's going to go into hiding. The X-Men are done. Professor X, he cries and cries and cries. Yeah, X-Men's done. And we push him down some stairs.

Yeah, exactly. Just like, boop, sorted. Yeah, too easy. This is actually, like, taking down the X-Men, piece of piss. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, truly, truly, truly, truly. Yeah, I just can't think of anything in any of our plans

that could potentially go wrong either. No, I think it was pretty much there was no, we never came upon what most people would call a roadblock. Yeah, instead we just had nothing but solutions after solutions after solutions. And if there was any issues with the plan, which there wasn't, we all had backup plans, good to go. Yeah, exactly. All well thought out. All well done well done everyone we did it again another great episode of plumbing the death star yeah and

on that note i've been joel i've been jackson i've also been joel and if you need another fictional superhero team or real team killed let us know yeah yeah we'll do it we'll take that crisp five yeah so we did it right yeah yeah yeah, yeah. We'll do it. We'll take that crisp fiver. Yeah. So we did it, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hello, everyone. I'm Ben Elwood, and I love David Attenborough. I was absolutely inspired by David as a kid. I'm definitely not alone in this. The world of science is full of Attenborough groupies.

I've got a confession about David Attenborough documentaries. Every week I'll be sitting with a science expert while we watch an episode of Life on Earth. Scientists want to talk about stuff. We are damaged. You do sound like comedians. We'll be talking about what we're seeing on the screen. Scientists have basically talked other organisms into being flying genitals for them.

Their experience in the field. I've seen a male cane toad on a rotten mango. Now I'll just go for it. And whatever other topics spin out of our conversation. Do you know I got attacked by an octopus one time? You don't want to start going away from comedy and into depressing. No, no, that's my wheelhouse. Thank God for David Attenborough with Ben Bellwood.

Now available on SensePants Radio.