Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Lose a Guy in 10 Days?

Episode Date: November 19, 2017

In which our heroes work for a magazine, find themselves in need of a good article, and so decide to ruin a man's life as we ask how would you lose a guy in 10 days?Check out our upcoming lives shows right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/ Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail] Twitter:  twitter.com/sanspantsradio Website: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Jackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadDuscher: twitter.com/dusch13Zammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sandspans Radio, over to tpublic.com slash stores slash sanspantsradio and peruse what we have on offer. Speaking of Dinosaur Universe, the final adventure in the Dinosaur Saga is now available to purchase as an mp3 download at sanspantsradio.podkeep.com or as a physical copy on a USB cassette tape at audiobooksontape.com. All the links are in the show notes or you can get them from our website sanspantsradio.com. Lastly, a few in the show notes, or you can get them from our website, sanspantsradio.com. Lastly, a few months back, we released a pay-what-you-want campaign called The Message, with all proceeds going to PSC Support UK. As a bit of an update to that, here's Mark. Sanspants Radio, you guys are just awesome. No, really, you are. This is Mark again, the dude who talks about his liver. Some of you know me as Nupkin. Some of you know me as SansPantsPlusDude. Some of you know me as the

weird dude who sold merch on the UK tour. Basically, I'm a bit all over the place doing odd jobs. But the last time I spoke to you, I was moaning about my liver disease, my rare liver disease called primary sclerosing cholangitis, PSC, and how SANSPANTS had done an amazing thing and donated any money that you paid to buy The Message, which was a D&D adventure about awoken animals, which is really fun and you should listen to it if you haven't, to a charity that is looking into ways to help people who have this rare liver disease like me. And so I thought I'd come back and do a little update for you.

So settle in because you're going to have me rambling at you for a bit. The message was launched in mid-July and from mid-July to the end of September, which was the first financial quarter it was available in as a choose your own price model where all the profits were going to the charity. I am absolutely amazed at how much you all managed to raise. It raised £2,554.32p. And that figure just blows my mind. Every time I look at it, I grin from ear to ear. just blows my mind. Every time I look at it, I grin from ear to ear. You have no idea how much that means to me. It's such a large amount of money. And so I thought I'd come back and tell you what kind of research that this charity is doing. So a few recent projects that have been funded is a unbiased look at clinical and molecular biomarkers on the progression of the disease and

a certain type of cancer we can get which is a very very scary type of cancer so what this means is they're looking at how it develops because at the moment there's no model that anyone can use doctors to use to say well you're at this stage, and in a year you're likely to be at this stage, and in two years you're likely to be here. It's all a bit of a mystery at the moment. And this cancer's even scarier because its symptoms are exactly the same as disease symptoms, so it's very hard to tell if you've got it. And when you do have it, it's a very scary, fast-moving cancer.

you do have it, it's a very scary, fast-moving cancer. The charities also helped research ways of inhibiting the pathways that allow the disease to continue and to develop in your body. They funded a virtual PSC clinic. Because it's a rare disease, there's very few doctors in the country who actually know enough about it to give you useful information. So if you're not lucky enough to live near one of them, you're kind of shit out of luck, really. And you're either traveling really far to see these doctors, or you're relying on information on the internet, which is usually out of date. These virtual clinics allow people who live not near one of these doctors to access these doctors remotely, which is absolutely brilliant.

And along with this, the charity does all the usual stuff where they advocate for us, especially in transplant issues, because that is the only potential cure. They support us when we need it. They create literature. They've got an amazing website which has information that is actually backed and checked and and and looked over and edited by doctors themselves so it's not just one person's view it's a proper medical view of of what you need to know and so i can only say

thank you so much again and thank you to the people who have gotten contact i know a load of you emailed me i haven't got back to any of you because the UK tour just sucked up all my time. But I promise I will. There were people who came up to me on the tour and spoke to me. And it made my day. Every time one of you recognized who I was or chatted to me, that was brilliant. I met someone whose relative had the disease. And that was amazing to

make connections with people. So, thank you again. And thank you for your donations. It honestly means the world. It's still there. It's still online. It's still a choose-your-own price. So, anyone who hasn't listened to it, please go and do listen. You can give as little

as you want or as much as you want. If you listen to it and you decide you didn't want to pay anything because you didn't have any money and now you've got a bit of money, go and do listen. You can give as little as you want or as much as you want. If you listen to it and you decide you didn't want to pay anything because you didn't have any money and now you've got a bit of money, go and give some. You can hear my dogs in the background. They want to go for a walk, so that's what we're doing next. But it's still there. You're wonderful. Spread the word.

You are all amazing. And when I saw that figure, and when I donated the figure, and I've gotten to hold up one of those big giant checks, which I'll get SansPants to tweet the picture out of, it just makes my day every time I see it. So I'm going to go and give these noisy dogs, which you can probably hear padding around me, a walk. You guys are amazing. Thank you.

So if you want to throw your support behind a good cause and listen to a very cute adventure, just head to sanspantsradio.podkeep.com. Now, enjoy the show. Hey everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, how to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, the point of the film is basically that Kate Hudson is a writer at a magazine who wishes to write about greater things, but instead she's in charge of a column called How To. Each week she has to write about how to do something.

One of her friends goes through another breakup. She's like, fuck it. I'm going to use all the cliches to start dating and then lose a guy in 10 days. The same time, the guy she picks is Matthew McConaughey, who is an advertising executive, who makes a bet with his friend that he could get a date in the next 10 days to bring to the company ball. Okay, so is the rule? The rule is you need to try and lose this guy in 10 days,

but at the same time, this guy, he's got a bet with his friend. He's keen.'s keen he's very keen i'll get a guy i'll get a guy for my the date from the company ball and doesn't matter how lumpy and potato shaped he is but he's gonna be lovely all right all right you and also it's 10 days so like being bad at sex or like being kind of gross looking or whatever won't really play in our favor yep so like you can't be like, oh, just fuck him wrong. Doesn't matter how wrong you fuck him.

He'll put up with it for 10 days. Also, alternatively, like if he really wanted, he's real keen, like sex would probably once in 10 days if you want it. Take him to meet my parents. Oh, that's a good one. Alright. And very strongly hint about marriage. Take him to meet my parents. Ooh, that's a good one. All right.

And very strongly hint about marriage. Okay, so straight off the bat, you've just met this guy. You're like, I quite like you. You don't quite know your last name. How about we get married? First date, your parents' house. Whoa, that's good. Because you're a grown man. Yes.

Yep, absolutely. First of all, look, I know this lovely little restaurant. It's up down this way. It's in this area, blah, blah, absolutely. First of all, look, I know this lovely little restaurant. It's up down this way. It's in this area, blah, blah, blah. As we're driving there, I'm like, oh, let's just quick pop into my parents and say hello. No, you can do it better. You can be like, just this nice and lovely Italian restaurant. You get there, your parents are already there.

You sit down with them. You're like, yeah, this is my parents. This is my dad. This is my mom. And he's like, what is this? And this is mom, dad. This is the love of my life, Matthew McConaughey. This is my hopefully one day husband, Matthew McConaughey.

I just make awkward jokes like, I love a spring wedding. And then if you can have... And it's winter now, so that's a month away. If you can have a ring on every finger but your wedding finger. I'd just really like to complete the set. Oh, his finger's so cold. It's winter and I really wanted a spring wedding. Do you think, but Matthew McConaughey

is Cain. As long as you don't get married in that day. He might put up with it for 10 days. He'll put up with crazy for 10 days. Unless you're like, you're locked in. Then he might go. But he can probably push back for 10 days, till after the ball.

Even if you were to go balls to the wall and propose on the first date, he could be like, let's just take things a bit slower. Yeah, he might be like, I'm keen, I'm keen. Because you can't break up with him. He needs to break up with you, which is the plot of the film. That's the struggle. Okay, okay, okay.

But the understanding is that we've got him, yeah? Pass me one of those things you were eating before. They're good. They're real good. They're like a weird little Dutch pancake or something. I don't know. Anyway, it doesn't matter. Hey, listeners, it's all right,

because they're pretty quiet to eat. The joke is they're not. They're not too bad. I took a bite. I guess I was listening to Jackson before, and he was a nom, nom, nom. Is that your opening salvo? Is that your entire plan that your opening salvo?

Is that your entire plan? My opening salvo is just like meeting parents Straight off the bat That's good because that's frightening It's also just like rude Yeah It shows a significant misunderstanding Of what a first date should be So Italian restaurant with the folks

And be like alright we've got a movie to catch Let's go see a film that is either very offensive in comedy-wise, like an epic movie-esque type movie. And laugh. Just laugh throughout it

and be like, oh my god, Matthew, isn't this hilarious? And just slap his leg and everything like that. How funny is this movie? I think that's good. Or alternatively. Yeah. Just a very serious film.

Like imagine a Schindler's List film where I'm just like doing my best to crack gags. That's good. Make it seem like you're a terrible person. Yeah. After you've just met your folks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's good, but also like it's the kind of thing you can force your way through. If you're going to do that for every day of the ten days, the same film, then I'm keen.

If you're like, let's go see Epic Movie again, and Matthew McConaughey is like, we've already, I really don't want to go. It's fucking hilarious, Matthew. Why do you seem to hate this? Get angry at him about it. Do you not like, what the fuck is wrong with you? This is a higher company. Not like partner angry. Like- What?

You're a fucking piece of shit. Bop him one. Since I was eating this, I have not been talking as much, so I see the flaws. I think that he could- The thing is, he doesn't need to see you for ten days in a row. If you did that- Weirdly, you could do this in a row. So, like, if you did that... Weirdly, you could do this in two dates.

You could do this in one day. My plan will get him going in one day. As in, like, the premise of this film is very stupid because you would have maybe one, two dates in ten days. But no, he's keen. He wants you to be there. Yeah. So he's probably organising dates with you.

Yeah. So your opening salvo is dinner and a movie, both of which are terrible. Yes. But say he's organising the with you. Yeah. So your opening salvo is dinner and a movie, both of which are terrible. Yes. But say he's organizing the next date. Okay. What's the most romantic date location we can collectively think at? Think at, think all.

Maybe shoot yourself. What? Maybe shoot yourself. You said no gross things. Did I? Yeah. What did I say? Out the window. No, my plan isn't gross.

At the start you were like, look, it's 10 days and he wants you, so you can't just be like, I'm gross or bad in the sack. Yeah. Oh, no, no, no. I didn't say no gross things. Then I'm going to open my mouth and insist he spits in it. Then what if he does? 10 days.

Yeah, what if he's like, I can spit in a guy's mouth for 10 days. That's on you. You're going to spew. You're going to just get a lot of spit in your mouth. I'll spit in his mouth for 10 days. Could he cop a spit in his mouth for 10 days? He's doing something the better, really. He works for a diamond company,

so maybe a lot of money. I'd get my mouth spat in for 10 days for a diamond. He did just money reward. A diamond, which is very arbitrary. The world's largest zirconium diamond. To clarify, I meant that if you're just gross, he won't necessarily break up with you.

He just wouldn't, like he'd see you. Say you had a date and you... You know what I mean? Because I said gross stuff wouldn't necessarily work. I see what you mean, Dutcher. It's like, hey, Matthew, how are you doing? Let me spit in your mouth He's like

Well I'm not going to meet you again until the ball Yeah But he'll consult you Well then if you don't do that I'm not going to the ball So I guess it has to be a date every day It has to be Otherwise

Like on your first You've got one day To lose a guy No but that's okay You can do it in one But also I mean you could also be like I'll go to the ball But we have to go on ten dates So I get to know you Yeah yeah yeah I think that's okay. No, like you can do it in one, but also, no, I mean, you could also be like, I'll go to the ball,

but we have to go on 10 dates. I get to know you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's a good move. So then you have to lay that groundwork because then you've already said, you're not going to go if.

Yeah. Yeah. Straight away. You've got to, you've got to woo me. So you're going to spit in his mouth every day. Cause I don't know. I'm going to take you to dinner in the movie.

No, second, second day. Oh, second day. Go to second date, right? Spit his mouth. Second date. Go to an event where there is an audience cam. Oh, that's good.

Then you propose. Oh, yes. Because it's a public event. He'll say yes and then no. That's great. That's fine, whatever. He'll say yes and that's good because everyone can see that. That's all right.

Yeah. I was thinking some kind of like... Invite his parents on the second day Invite his parents to the proposal Yeah that's what I mean He can't say yes and then have to say no to his parents And then his parents think he's terrible Also like a flash mob But for a terrible cause almost

I don't think they have flash mobs That are like we're pro? I don't think they have flash mobs that are like, we're pro-cancer. I don't think that happens. I mean, you could organize one. We could organize something. Child soldiers. So you put like Halloween and do like a flash mob for Halloween,

but use it as ghosts, but everyone's in like KKK outfits. Why not just be like, I am a member of the KKK. Matthew McConaughey, how you doing? Or just be here suddenly like, yeah, white pride. Is that? Yeah. I mean, that's going to turn him off. Before you guys finish your coffees, pretty sure the milk's off because I just necked mine and it was an awful taste.

No, mine's alright. Alright, cool. Never mind then. It's just very bitter coffee. That's all. No, it wasn't. Oh, no. Yeah, it's the milk's sour.

Something's awry. Anyway, listeners, you can have a quick vote if you want. On Twitter, was the milk wrong? Yes or no? I'm putting it away. I'm going to neck the rest of this. Yeah, that's... What?

Oh, he's going to spit back into the cup. Is he going to... Is that... Almost get a first ever recording ever. Oh, will we get milk out of his nose he's still struggling to swallow fuck you oh boy

I drunk it yeah and it tastes a bit wrong right nah it just tastes a bit of coffee I can taste something extra I have bitter coffee all the time it was the milk anyway it doesn't matter yeah right alright the boys drink off milk

that's live on air. So you've proposed to him on the second day and presumably he said yes and you've invited his parents so that he's obliged to say yes. You need to have that wedding. Third date is planning the wedding and I'm going to make some horrible

requests. Please. Slaughter a going to make some horrible requests. Please. Let's see. Slaughter a dog. Slaughter a dog to commence our love. Again, a lot of this has to be very public, I feel. Yeah. Public murder of a dog.

No, isn't a public wedding or public proposal that kind of stuff just because there's witnesses? I wonder if you could get like a sunrise early morning talk show involved. Yeah. Somehow. Like if you let them know that you're gonna marry him and you've only known him for two days but you're like madly in love, it's happening. They might even do it for the train wreck that they know is coming but like

they'll get involved. Yeah. Call up like a radio station or TV station and be like this is what I'm planning to do and this is going to be... Because I'm part of the media in this, aren't I? I work for some sort of magazine. Yeah, yeah.

Get the magazine involved. Yeah, oh, see, that's club. Door just closed by itself. Melody closed it with her head. It's like, and... Nope. Shut the door. That was a weird one.

It seems like a threat That milk belly's Something Who knows Good duck This is a weird episode He's closing it further This episode feels haunted

Anyway So, because the media The company I'm working for clearly has other connections to other media organizations, surely. Oh, yeah, actually, that's a good point. You can't be too fucked with this because then you'll lose your job. Well, a wedding's not too fucked. No, a wedding's fine, but like... I can't slaughter a dog.

You can't have like a satanic ritual. No, no, no. I think it's a lovely wedding, but a very public, televised live wedding. Whoa. You will destroy your career though, because... Fuck, I will too. I forgot about my career. That throws a lot of my plans out the window.

Maybe not a wedding. I think my plan's still fine. Let's get to the end of the 10 days of examine. Oh, fuck. You go on. Alright, bury him. Day one. Let's go on a end of the ten days of examine You go on Alright bury him Day one Let's go on a date to the park What's this hole

Guy lost You're murdering him Leave him enough here For ten days For nine days Leave him enough here for ten I failed Leave him enough here for nine days Tell me after fucking the second day Nine days. I leave him in off air for ten. I failed.

Leave him in off air for nine days. Tell me after fucking the second day he's not going to be like, this was not worth it. So you've killed him. He's not dead. He got air. He's got no water. He's got water and food.

I give him, like, whatever, cereal or whatever. You basically kidnap him. Yeah. But bury him in the ground. Well, okay, what about this? Do you check in every day and see if he wants to break up? Yeah. If you break up with me, I'll let you free. What about this?

What if I'm not, like, I don't make it clear, I just, like, find a well, and I push him in the well, but I'm like, oh, no, you fell in the well, and then I go. Then it's not like I did it, even though I did. I mean.

But I just think of my career here, where I'm like, and then I go. Then it's not like I did it. Even though I did. The little boy trapped in the well. I mean. But I just think of my career here where I'm like, Matthew McConaughey didn't want to be with me because he was in a well. Well, you've definitely... I want to read that article. How to lose 10 days in brackets in a well. Pushing him down a well.

Yeah. I mean, I've lost him I mean you have I know I've not lost him physically I'm well aware he's not going anywhere at this point he's capable of losing a very big giant hedge mate so yeah I'm in a well

tell me he's not going to break up with me when he's in a well are you the only person who knows he's there? yes is it the same thing with the barahim you're just like I'll only let you out if you break up with me. How are you writing this article? From jail? I suppose. Some kind of wrong thing?

Jackson Bailey felon. Is it a crime if you don't free someone? That's wrongful imprisonment, yes. But I didn't do the imprisonment. You said you push him in the well, so you do. Nobody knows that. He does. He does not.

He's not sure. Then why didn't you call the cops or the SES? Because I was trying to lose a guy in 10 days. Actually, you know what? If he doesn't know, I'm trying to lose a guy in 10 days. Actually, you know what? If he doesn't know, I'm going to go back there on your second date and the same thing happens again, but you keep calling the emergency services

every time it happens. And then eventually he'll be like, hmm. Eventually he'll become a friend. But then he knows that I'm doing it. Yeah. Because it's more of a crime to obviously push someone in a well, but to not free someone from a well they think they fell in.

That's wrongful imprisonment. That's not a crime. It's a crime. Like Matthew McConaughey being very wily of you when you're near a wall. Because he's springy. He could move. He'll slime out of the way. I feel like you're going to end up pushing yourself in a well.

You can't take me to the ball now. Better break up with me. No, because he'll get you out. And you're like, well... Oh, well, that's okay. I'll flip it. I'll keep jumping in the well. How to lose a guy in ten days.

Jump on a well. In one simple step. Keep jumping in a well. He'll free me. He'll be like, can I go to that ball? I'll be like, yeah, I'm back in the well. Your leg's gonna be so broken. You don't want to take me to the well. My legs

are just bloody stumps, Matthew. Jackson mushy legs, Bailey. You don't want this at the ball. Someone else better dump me. Then I get to write the tell-all article of the year if he's just helping you from the well you've got no

like broken mushy legs he's now gonna put you in a wheelchair and get that sweet sympathy vote he puts me in a wheelchair I reverse as quickly

as I can into the well back on slam the back of the wheelchair into the well and woo into the well again then he's gonna

fish you out and you've got like a broken back eventually you're gonna be a nugget and you've got a broken back. Eventually you're going to be a nugget, Jack, and you're going to go to that ball as a nugget. I'll roll into the well, whatever it takes. You can't move, dickhead. I'll just dodge the rope he sends down.

He's going to call SES. I'll tie one of my legs to the rope and he'll pull it out and I'll be like, ha ha, take legs to the rope and he'll pull it out. And I'll be like, ha ha. Take me to the ball. Hurry up and dump me, Matthew. No, wait. You are dating in a relationship.

You have had something which is a very grievous bodily harm to yourself. If he dumps you there, he's just going to look like a major asshole. He can't leave you now. But what if he's like you there he's just gonna look like a major asshole but he can't leave you now but what if he's like also like my fault he kept jumping he just kept jumping in that damn well i don't know what's wrong with him get him out of the well he'd squirm out of my hand that's just his body type um but no like you can't it's like if you start dating someone and they get cancer or something you can't leave that's you done for like you know until they're better i reckon yeah just a quick side note with that how like in

movies and stuff like that in real life it happens to it it's real sad it's not funny but like it's like the having to have a conversation to be like look i'm very unwell if you want to break up with me that's fine do it now yeah nobody's ever gonna be like sick all right thanks so much to the out yeah it's a trap but if they die jackson it wouldn't be like hey exactly i'd be like look matthew let's real talk i'm gonna keep jumping in this damn well until i fucking fucking die. So either you kill me, because it'll be blood on your hands, Matthew. All right? Or you'd leave me.

He wouldn't lose the bet, because he's got nothing to lose. Just like a potato man dying. You don't give a shit. You're a fucking sociopath who keeps jumping into a well. Sure, I'll take that bet as me. But he can't take me to the fucking ball if I'm dead.

Well, no, because I'm like, well, I tried, but my date died. Now I've got a sweet, interesting story about my well boyfriend. It is great to imagine him coming back to the guy who made the bet. The guy's like, how'd it go? And he's like, you'll never believe what happened. I checked the news today. Man keeps jumping in well. Maybe covered in butter, question mark.

Rescue services baffled. Slippery well, boy. Just lubed myself up, head to foot. They like tie a rope around my waist and pull it out, and I slide out. It's like every time, even when they rescue you, you're coming up, so you're falling back in the well. Every time.

If you survived, you'd be so infected. And also how you write in your article. With my mouth. Put a pen in my mouth. How to lose a guy in 10 days. The well way. You don't want to lose a guy in 10 days. Jump in a well.

Repeatedly. You think keeping a man's easy? No. Not if you're jumping in a well. All right. I think you're causing a lot of harm to yourself, but Matthew McConaughey is coming out scot-free. If Matthew McConaughey stays there for 10 days,

that's 10 injuries and 10 trips down the well. Mate, you are falling consistently. You're not going to be in a well for 24 hours each time. That's true. We could be talking 20, even 40 injuries over the course of the 10 days. Jackson Bailey, the man who fell in a well every six hours for 10 days.

SES wouldn't leave. They'd be like, yep, there he goes again. What if they put a net in the well? They might. I'll chew through it. We got it. Oh, no, he's chewing through the... Quick, quick! We got it. Oh, no, he's chewing through the... Quick, quick.

He's back in the fucking well. What if they just shut the well up with water? I was going to say, after maybe the third time, I feel they'd board it up. I'll just jump in from a great height Smash the ball Find a different well Run on my crippled legs

Until I find another well Wheelchair Wheelchair my way towards a new well No no no Hit like a little bump Fly out I'm home! Help, I fell in another well.

Oh no! I'm in a well, better save me! Or leave me behind, maybe! Hey Matthew, that's your out! This can stop any time you choose. This is like holding yourself hostage. It's holding myself in a well. Your plan is going to not work

because I reckon Matthew McConaughey's a good man. He'll just stick by you. If he sticks by me, I'll stay with him. Then you're fucked up. You've got no article. He's winning a bet. I've got a brand new article in National Geographic called How to Fall Down a Well in 10 Days.

How to Injure Your Body 40 Times with One Well by Jackson Bailey. It's not a good read. Tell me. So you've got two articles before you examine. I'm giving you the option of reading one of two articles, okay? One article is about how to lose a guy in ten days and the other article is I fell down a well

forty times. This is my experience. I know which one I'd rather read. You're getting brain injury. He's just gonna take an invalid to a ball. I'll wear a helmet. It's fine. I'll wear a helmet. Smart move. Which is great because that means I was going near the well

when Matthew McConaughey starts to put two and two together. Why are you wearing that helmet? Oh, you'll see. You'll understand soon enough, Matthew. Oh, was that well over there or am I just going over? Funny if I die on the first fall. What was his plan?

What happened to your date? He just jumped in a well and died. I'm baffled. Do I still win the bet? Well, yeah, because she didn't break up with you. She was very... Well, he, sorry. He just jumped in a well.

You couldn't have predicted that. Tusha? What's your plan? Mine is less well orientated but I feel like mine's spooky actually. Ominous. I'm going to pick him up for the first date.

I'm like, oh, we're just going to go out for dinner. I'm going to have a full tank of fuel and I'm just going to keep driving. Just keep driving. And then I'm just going to keep being like, we'll be there soon. What's your plan once you run out of fuel? I might pull into a gas station and fill up more and go again.

And then I might just kind of take weird turns. I just like if this... Now get in the highway. Yeah. And then maybe just talk to myself like, it's going to be okay, it's going to be okay. I like the version of this where Matthew McConaughey is just a trooper and you drive for days.

Yeah. At what point is Matthew McConaughey being like, no, I'm going to stick around. Well, no, that's good because we only need to drive for 10 days because guess who won't be going to a ball if he's in another fucking country. State, I guess. Country? Wow, you drove across water. You're in Europe.

Oh, it's in America. He works for an advertising agency. I think if you make it, they're going to be like, sick, let's go to the nearest airport and let's go. Take him back. Because I like driving, but he's going to twig eventually. Are you going to sleep? Yeah.

Oh, you reckon he'll carjack me? Oh, he might. He might run, is what I was thinking. That's a breakup. But if was thinking. That's a breakup. But if he runs, it's a breakup. And he wants to stay there. So you've got to imagine, he wants to stay there. I assume he's getting.

Yeah. So he might stay with you. I think he'll call your bluff. Well, that's good. Because like I said, 10 days. And if I'm the one driving. But you didn't lose a guy. He lost his bat.

But you lost your bat. And also, your editor's like, where's the article? You drove for 10 days on the company car. No, that's good. I'll just change my article slightly. How to get lost with a guy for 10 days. And they'll be like, that isn't what you pitched. I'm like, isn't it?

Sorry? Lose a guy in 10 days? How are you going to do that? Do you want me to fall in a well or something? I remember the last guy that tried to write that article. It's cursed. I'm not going near it. I'm not touching it with a 10-foot pole.

Does he have a fear in the film? Or does Matthew McConaughey himself have fears? He seems like a pretty chill guy. He got arrested for playing bongos Naked at like 3am I can imagine him being scared of something like scorpions maybe Okay Third date Do you remember

What was that TV series where they made people drink donkey sperm Fear factor Yeah Take him on fear factor Yeah I mean like I don't think I'd stick around with someone If I was forced to drink donkey spoo. But, like, he can but he doesn't want to say no.

It's tough, though. It's a tough one. Again, because I'm guessing, like, again, you're using your media-esque connections to hopefully be like, hey, you know, Fear Factory or Fear Factory. Fear Factory or a band. A band, yes. Like, I'll come on Fear Factory. Because, like, if you're Matthew McConaughey, you might be like, that sounds fun.

Sounds like it'll be exciting. Drink this donkey cum. All right. Again, this all comes down to how much of a trooper is Matthew McConaughey. Because you don't want him to be like, looking you straight in the eye. Slam it down.

Your turn. Oh, shit. What have I got myself into? Because also I think I have to go on fear factor. You have to drink the Donkey Kong. I don't want to drink that Donkey Kong. If the Donkey Kong. Oh, come.

DK Donkey Kong. DK Donkey Kong is here. Oh, I found what Matthew McConaughey is scared of. Okay. I hope it's commitment because easy. Matthew McConaughey is scared of. Okay. I hope it's commitment because easy. Matthew McConaughey. Matthew is famously admitted to having a fear of revolving doors and of tunnels. My driving thing helps, though.

That's true. It's not being underground that bothers him, but the point where you go from being above ground to underneath. He also revealed that he doesn't want deodorant in 20 years. Well, my well plan works then as well because he doesn't want to go underground. He also revealed that he doesn't want deodorant in 20 years. Well, my well plan works then as well because he doesn't want to go underground. He hates tunnels as well. What is a well if not a vertical

tunnel? But you're still pushing. That's a crime. You're still pushing. That's why I'm putting myself in. Yeah, we sorted it out. No, but then that would scare him. Well, it would scare him if he has to come and get me. Alright, so yeah. Go on, Fear Factor. Yeah, it's a guzzle donkey.

That's a pretty bad third date. It's rough, but like... It's rough. All of your things are survivable, Sam. And like, nothing like, he'll just be like, fuck, this man is just fucked, like wild. I've only got to last another seven days, but like... But this is the first three days. There's got to be, what else can we do?

What else can we throw? Well, exactly, what else can you do? What else can we do here? else can we throw? Well, exactly. What else can you do? What else can we do here? What are some bad date scenarios? Taking him somewhere just like, that's just kind of fear factor again. I was going to say like somewhere filthy is nasty. Is there anywhere where you can legally fight another human being? The boxing?

No, fight a chimp. Legally fight another human being? The boxing? No. Fight a chimp. Is there any way we can legally or illegally do that? Legally, yes. Legally, no. What about killing a dog's not a crime? Yes. If it's like a loose dog.

Yes, it is. It's fine. Not just like a basic dog. If it's someone's pet. You're not allowed to just go out and murder it. Killing a basic dog is not a crime. Yeah. No. It's animal abuse dog is not a crime Yeah No

It's animal abuse It's a crime We kill cows all the time Date four Slaughterhouse Slaughterhouse date four Slaughterhouse four Yeah

Slaughterhouse four Date night four Yeah Just be like I've always wanted to kill a cow And then just Spend a whole day at a slaughterhouse just... I told you why I don't really like milk.

I don't think I've told it on air, but that just reminded me. I feel I don't really like milk now. I'm not drinking my off-milk drink. It's settled and I'm not happy. Yeah, well, that's all right. I mean, you called... I pointed it out. You were like, no, you guys are dickheads.

It's just bitter coffee. I had some this morning it was fine but now i'm like i don't know i don't know now you've got a doubt in my head the sour milk in your gut is what i did but yeah i found out the reason i don't really like milk and why i don't drink it by itself is because like i had a flashback to when i was in grade one we went to a farm and like i had to milk like they just picked people randomly out of the thing to like learn how to milk a cow but then they made us drink it out of the bucket so it was like warm and like yeah straight from the yeah it was fucked that's it would be worse if they made you suckle on it

gross yes that would have been which reminds me date, a Tom Green stand-up No one can sit through that, surely The best part about yours, Zalman And why I think it's kind of winning Is that it's the only one that's not a crime Mine's not a crime It's kidnapping I could take him home I'm like, oh sorry, I think I just got a bit lost

Do you want me to take you home? Yes, he does Well then I take him home Then you're still together Yeah, but imagine if I did it again I think I just got a bit lost. Do you want me to take you home? Yes, he does. Well, then I take him home. Then you're still together, though. Then you're still together. Yeah, but imagine if I did it again. He would be like, this person is trying to kidnap me.

No, but then it's like, yeah, I get it. Because I was like, oh, just turn me home. And you're like, hmm. Or he might be like, I'll take us on the next date. Yeah. And then he'll drive. You are too afraid of the cops. Yeah.

And doing the, like, to be caught or do something illegal. That any time he's like, let's go home, you're going to have to, he's like, you got me. That's your kryptonite, douche. Yeah. Good boy. Yeah. Good, good, do good boy.

Wait, in real life or in this situation? Both. I hate cops. I'll fight them all. That seems so hard for you to say. I love them. I love, I'm a boy in blue. I mean, like, if you're willing to like, you know, put your pedal to the metal and

just not let him out of your car. That's a crime. No, because I'm trying to do it without committing a crime. What about we do this? I'm like, Matthew McConaughey, I've got this new game. It's called the trunk game. All right. You get in the trunk of the car and I'm going to drive around.

It's a lot of fun. But you got to just slam on the trunk when you're done. Yeah. But I just pretend I never heard him. And then I drive around for days. It's kidnapping again No but I didn't hear sorry No but that's still kidnapping

Days is kidnapping If I said Jackson we're going to the shops And then he got in the car And I just wouldn't stop I guess it's kidnapping But no but that's different I'd be like do sure I want out And you'd be like I'm right there

But if you're like Jackson get in the boot And then you drove around and you're like, Jackson, get in the boot. And then you drove around and you're like, well, he just never said. I didn't hear you. I like music a lot, Jackson. What if I just turn my music up so loud I just can't hear you? Well, there you go. I'd be mad, but I don't think I could take any legal recourse. Yes, you could.

I'm sorry, officers. I didn't know he was. I forgot he was there. I was tired. I got distracted. I forgot I had Matthew McConaughey in the trunk Leave him in the car while you go into the casino on a hot day

What date am I up to? I've got Tom Green 7 I think, no 6 Introduce him to my potato diorama that I have made little cutouts of us our friends and family And then you're going to fry them all up In certain situations, like with a doll. And then you're going to fry them all up.

In certain situations, like with a dollhouse. And then I'm going to fry them up and serve him himself. That's good. What about if you also do illustrations of what you think his cock looks like? Yes. That you then give to him as a gift. Cook food, but wrong. Okay.

Yeah. So, again, like where I'm trying to get away with doing a crime that's not a crime, poison him. But just pretend you cooked it wrong. Give him salmonella. Yeah. Not hard to give a guy salmonella. But no one's going to break up with you because you give him salmonella. Why do you give him salmonella a lot?

Every day. I guess at a certain point. No, I reckon you could get two salmonella poisonings. I'm trying to think of what else you could do Because I would be gone by date one if I was Matthew But if he's like But if he had a bet He's going to get a diamond

Imagine if at the end of exam you were going to get one single zirconium diamond No day two when they've invited my parents I'm out I'm keen to see where it goes Me too If they get that crazy Actually I would just get scared of the repercussions I'm going to see where it goes. Yeah, me too. If they get that crazy, me knowing that... Actually, I would just get scared of the repercussions of like,

they have gotten in contact with my parents. What happens when we break up? Yeah, that's a struggle. That's a struggle. But then... That's scary already. So like, I'm marrying this person. Wow, you are committed.

But also like, that... Mostly just scared. It's like the opposite effect of what you wanted though Yeah I know Because I'd be like I can't leave this person They're insane they'll kill me Which is why the well method What about just

Table that well method and put it in the maybe pile Put it in the definitely one pile Just acting completely Disinterested Yeah just being like whatever Then you're not losing a guy in ten days I imagine the ten day starts Bang on one Just acting completely and utterly disinterested. Yeah. Just being like, whatever. But then you're not losing a guy in 10 days. Because I imagine the 10 days starts... Bang on one.

What? The 10 days starts the moment you get arsed out or the first date. Yeah. Bang on one. Bang on one. Yeah, that's exactly what I meant. Bang on one. Bang on day one. Yeah, that's exactly what I meant. Bang on one. Yes.

So, like, you can't just be totally disinterested. Well, also, like, you've got to strike this balance where you're not, like, a danger to him, but you're also not something he can survive. Yeah, you need to go, I reckon, full-on romance. Maybe book, like, a three-day romantic holiday in the middle of the week somewhere.

That's the middle of the work week. Tuesday to Thursday romantic getaway. Yeah. And to be like he's like, I got work, but I bought these. I bought these. Matthew. I'm like, I took work off for this. And he'll be like, how? I've only been dating for three days.

You'll be like, you're worth it. I was like, yeah, no, I booked this like months ago. I've always had this ready. Oh, I booked this month ago for my last ex. What happened? I don't want to talk about it. Don't read the papers. Somebody pushed him in a well.

Somebody pushed him in a well. Nobody knows who. Anyway, get in the car. Get in the well. I mean, car. But yeah, I think a romantic getaway For three days In the middle of a work week And just go somewhere terrible

Go somewhere terrible But like I've got another plan And this one Could also border on a crime But not That's the best plans Yeah

All the best plans do Not the same crime It's not kidnapping this time And it's not violent First date Go be like Oh I just really like Something low key

Like why don't we just Do dinner at your house And then just don't leave? Oh, that's pretty good. Oh, I've been in that situation. Not a good date, but we're just a friend. And I'm like, why is she not leaving? A friend was a loose term. An acquaintance.

How long? Someone I did not like. She ended up staying the night. I was so mad. Really? Yeah. I'm like, please leave my house. That's a rude thing to say about Adam. He's literally in the room.

I was wondering, just because Adam is here, how's your coffee, Adam? My coffee was fine. Did you drink at all? That's like some drag. Because we think the milk might have been off. Tasted fine to me. I think it was fine, but douche has made it psychosomatic in my head. This was a taste. Because Jackson

also drank and was like, it's fine. Yeah. Yeah, anyway. Because Jackson was ready to give me the business. He had the opposite mental effect where he was, thanks to the milk review, buddy. Had the opposite effect. Yeah, Jackson was ready to give me the business

and then was like, Yeah. See, now I'm just feeling queasy. I don't know if it's, again, psychosomatic or just because I gulped that last bit. You did drink it quickly. I drank it quick too, but it was bad. I wish I'm just feeling queasy. I don't know if it's, again, psychosomatic or just because I gulped that last bit. You did drink it quickly. I drank it quick too, but it was bad. I wish I had this instead.

It's an empty bottle of Coke Zero. I think you have three dates left, Zamit, before we decide whether or not you lost the diamond. I'm not leaving this house. Yeah, I've got left. Not yet. I'm just saying, what would it take for you to leave? For me, personally?

Am I getting a diamond at the end? I don't think so. I don't think you're getting... What are you getting? I mean, that was a real wee set, but I think what he gets in the end... It's for a diamond, dammit. I'll do anything. Maybe just a hubris. I don't care about that. I might not even agree to the bet

if I get nothing out of it. Let's say ten days... Let's say a thousand bucks. A thousand dollars. He becomes the head of advertising oh fuck no I'm not doing anything I'm in there 10 days no matter what

in it to win it Jack is shit in my chest I'm like whatever 10 days gotta do this when they question Ben's knowledge about love Ben bets he could make

any woman fall in love with him if he wanted to so yeah okay so he's gotta make me fall in love with him while you're trying

to lose him at the same time I'm trying to lose him okay so he's keen he ain't he's not going and he's got to make me fall in love with him. While you're trying to lose him at the same time. I'm trying to lose him. Okay. Okay. So he's keen. He ain't. He's not going.

And he's trying to woo you. So if I'm like, come on, Fear Factor, drink this Donkey Kong, he's going to be like, all right, give me the eyes and look at. He might do like a sexy shower, but like in Donkey Kong. Matthew Stoltz. DK. Donkey Kong. DK. Donkey Kong is Come DK Donkey Come is here

Donkey Come is here Which is why At the end of the day Of all the methods so far The well method No You fall down a well Alright

So I've called the Marine services They're gonna be here But I think Well I'm just gonna spend Well while they're here They're gonna

Basically gonna be like an hour Yeah that's fine I can jump in with you. Let's just chat. Let's just get real. You tell me about your laugh. I scream. You can't keep that up.

I'll scream into my throat as bloody as I can. You will not be able to keep that up for like an hour. And then he'll just start chatting with you and start wooing you. How I lost a guy in 10 days. I fell down a well and wouldn't stop screaming. How I lost a guy in 10 days. I fell down a well and wouldn't stop screaming. That's not a good article. That's a pretty great article. Imagine like flipping through

Cosmo and then I fell in a well and wouldn't stop screaming. This is your summer looks. You're like, ah, yeah, you know, how to please your man, yeah, whatever. I fell down a well and wouldn't stop screaming. Oh! I might get promoted. i don't think you would i'll come in with no arms and legs and i'll be like

i got my article boy i have like one of them like uh mechanical like you're like hi i wouldn't stop screaming blew my voice box so here's my article and then I place it with my mouth I think you win some points for effort but I think that you've got to take in the article I think yours is a bad article I think it's not what they wondered

I think it's going to be a phenomenal race how? I fell down a well here's how to escape the SAS If they try and take you Into the ambulance Here are the steps To escape the SAS

How to chew through a net It's a good comedy article I'll give you that Not one I would print in my Every injury I'll just go to whoever wants it How to bilube in bulk of every injury from every I'll just go to whoever wants it how to buy lube in bulk

how to buy lube in bulk and hide it at the bottom of a well I think you fail in your how to lose a guy in 10 days

article writing you make an interesting article but it's not the one you make yeah that's fair whereas I might write an article which is basically

like I tried to lose this guy in 10 days but man did he just guzzle that donkey semen and it was impressive i think joel and i think i fell in love and i'm just because yeah i've changed my plan i'm just at his house and like maybe i just won't like leave lying on his couch because like he can lure me only once he's watching netflix he's just gonna get like get out your phone and start watching fucking... What's a long-running series on Netflix? That.

House of Cards is pretty long. Oh, yeah. Just start watching House of Cards. Start watching that. But then, like... Wait, no, no. You want to go back? No, no, no.

Commentating. So, like, House of Cards. Ask for his Wi-Fi password. Well, yeah. Put on House of Cards and then just talk shit about it the whole time. You're still not making yourself... I mean, you're unappealing. Very unpleasant. But for head of the company, I'll take it.

I preferred when you were just wasting your company's money. And it's not just him putting up with it. He's doing everything he can to woo you as well. Yeah, but I think that after, because I'm not doing anything, with both of yours, it's like, that's fucked. Mine's just so annoying to like the very base level where i think he'll just snap and i'm like was that a breakup gotcha i'm out hi i'm your friend ben yeah like i think he might snap because like what if he just grabs the like grabs the phone

he just throws it on the ground like that's snapping you'd be like don't you dare touch my property but i might just be, so say it was me. And you're like, I'm just going to stay here. I'm like, cool. So we're on for the ball. And you'd be like, yeah, I guess, because you want me to break up with you or whatever. Then I'd be like, cool.

And then I'd go stay with a friend. Or I'd just, whatever, chill and watch a game. How's the cards? Or I'd just put my own earphones and watch my own films or something. Get on with my day-to-day day routine I think that if I did that If they did that I'd then really like Up the ante on my tantee

Like if they did that I'd be like That's fucking rude I thought we were spending time together I'd then be like Oh sorry And I'd just stand and watch And then I'd start

Talking shit about That's why I'd leave I'd be like I gotta run some errands See you later Bye Cool Can I come?

Yeah sure Where we going? And then like We're going to this place Like you basically talking shit about it. That's why I'd leave. I'd be like, I gotta run some errands. See you later. Bye. Cool. Can I come? Yeah, sure. Yeah, hop in the car. Where are we going? And then, like, we're going to this place. Then I put my headphones in. All right. That's fine.

I keep talking. Maybe I sing. I'm just going to be the most abrasively annoying person. Like, again, like, all that thing because if I'm getting the head of the company,

I'm not leaving. Yeah, I can't put up with that. Whereas if you drive him somewhere in his car. In his car? I'd get him fired. Yeah. That's not a bad move.

I'd get him fired. That's the key. Do like a sexy gram, like a thing, Dewey's workplace. Yes. There you go. Arrive in a thong. Yes. Take it off.

Be like, here's my dick, Mr. President. Here's my dick, Mr. President. Mr. President. Matthew McConaug, Mr. President. Mr. President. Matthew McConaughey. Matthew McConaughey. Here's my dick, Mr. President. Okay. Here's my dick.

It's really hard saying his last name without saying Matthew first. Give it a go. McConaughey. No, McConaughey. That's easy as. McConaughey. No, I nearly did say McConaughey. See? I get it. You're like McConaughey. Mac Honahay. Mac it a go. McConaughey. No, McConaughey. That's easy as. McConaughey. No, I nearly did say Mahona-kay. See?

You're like McC... No. McConaughey. McConaughey. I think it's because I read and wrote the word McConaissance so much when he was like... Having a McConaissance. Oh, fuck. He was so good for a while.

Still good. Still good. Less good, but still good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give him some time. I think that's a fire... Getting him fired by showing up and showing your dick to his workmates. I imagine a thong, but reverse.

So that the string splits the balls and goes up the cock. Yeah, somehow directly up the shaft. So that means the shaft's still visible, but also just tucked up. Which I like, because if I was watching that, I'd be like an inch in either direction, and that cock's out. It's already out. That string there is... The fact that it's not flopping down is frankly amazing.

He's got a lot of lower body control. I don't know what's happening there, but I'm impressed. Here's my cock, Mr. President McConaughey. I like that you're doing it to happy birthday. That's weird. Yeah, though. Pretend it's his birthday. Rock up in a birthday thing.

Do a popping out and a naked... Come on his desk. What? We're getting into crime territory once again, Jackson. Maybe I'll do it two or three days in a row and sing happy birthday every time. Yeah, because you're going to get him fired and then he has no option of getting the job,

so you win. Yeah, each day you send a different whatever-a every time. Yeah, because you're going to get him fired and then he has no option of getting the job, so you win. Yeah, each day you send a different whatever-a-gram. Yeah. Like you send a dancing gorillas, but it's also you. Everyone is also you. Dancing gorillas take off the mask and it's my dick and balls in a thong again.

Gotcha. How did he do that? That's where a head should be. Are they his legs? In the arms? Are they his legs? Where's his torso? I'm so confused. He's doing the splits, but like I don't want to unzip him. I don't want to know what the situation is.

I'm afraid. He's a flexible boy. But yeah, basically, if you get Matthew McConaughey fired then his whole bet becomes meaningless so he'll leave you or he'll I'll just

stick with you well I mean he's got nothing left I'll be charmed by my flexibility so I think I fucked myself yeah I just

it's a weird one because it's such a good goal for Matthew old Matthew McConaughey so good luck trying to because again

if you combine mine and yours, where we're like, yep, here's some horrible dates, meet the parents, meet the parents, and then just... But then also go back to his house every night and refuse to leave. Fuck yeah. Or just assume you're staying the night. Every night, and then also then... Don't even ask. Yeah, don't even ask. Start bringing things over, like your toothbrush.

Start being like, oh, hang on. Move into his house. Just gonna nick down to the shops and grab a few things and just like, oh, hang on. Move into his house. Nick down to the shops and grab a few things and just like, you know, whatever. I like to imagine like 5am hearing like the beeping of a truck reversing. And it's just like, oh, I just hired a truck to deliver my things. I thought a nice early morning would be good so I can come to work. We can have breakfast before you go to work.

I'll come to work with you. I got this outfit planned. It's a gorilla. But if you look how I go in it, I'm going to put my dick. You'll be pleasantly surprised. My dick is going to be where the head is. So get ready for that. That means somehow I need to use my foot and pull the mask off. It's impressive.

That's what it is. Things are wrong in that situation. Using your foot to kick off a mask is still not the most impressive aspect. It's getting your thigh to be parallel with your torso.

It's spectacular. It's just wrong. Part of me wants to draw a diaphragm. It's like getting in those old G.I. Joe figures and just bending it wrong. That's me, baby. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson.

And I've also been Joel. And that's how you can easily lose a guy in 10 days. Just follow our 10-day methods. Hit us up on Twitter. Maybe make a poll. Who had the best way of losing a man in 10 days? Was it the well technique? Was it the well technique? Was it the well method?

The drive? The drive or just a series of unfortunate dates? Or the House of Cards talk shit session. Or this, the classic bendy gorilla cock costume. The bendy gorilla cock-o-grain. God damn it, zam it. If you want to hear our other shows you can head to sanspantsradio.com and you'll find all our other content there. There's heaps. And if you want to support us, head to sanspantsplus.com Thank you again for listening

and we'll see you again next time. Good night for now. Good night forever. Kisses.