Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Make a Better Matrix? (Ft. Andy Matthews)

Episode Date: March 11, 2018

In which our heroes are joined by our good friend Andy Matthews from Two in the Think Tank to ask the hard hitting question; how would you make a better Matrix?Check out Andy and Alasdair’s MICF show right here; https://www.comedyfestival.com.au/index.php/2018/shows/andy-matthews-and-alasdair-tremblay-birchall-sci-fi-sketch-experience and use coupon code plumbing to get 25% off tickets! Check out Andy on twitter at https://twitter.com/stupidoldandy and go check out their amazing show; Two in the Think Tank.Join our brand new facebook group here; https://www.facebook.com/groups/535280830149669/Check out our upcoming lives shows right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail]: twitter.com/sanspantsradioWebsite: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Jackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadDuscher: twitter.com/dusch13Zammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sands Pants Radio. Large and unemployable. Hey everyone, after a very successful tour of Australia, Plumbing the Death Star is continuing its get-cooked tour for the Melbourne International Comedy Fest. We're performing for two nights only, Saturday the 14th and 21st of April. Just head to sandspantsradio.com slash live for info on venue, times, and where to grab your tickets. Both shows are completely different topics, and under-18s are welcome, but come with a parent or guardian. Ideally your nan, she loves it when we talk Avengers to her.

Once again, head to samspansradio.com slash live to grab your tickets today. And speaking of the Melbourne International Comedy Fest, today's guests, along with his Two in the Think Tank co-host, Alistair Tremblay-Birchall, are doing their own show. Andy Matthews and Alistair Tremblay-Birchall's sci-fi sketch experience from the 28th of March to the 8th of April at Comedy Unexpected at the West Space Gallery. To grab tickets, just search for them on the comedyfestival.com.au website or check the show notes of this very episode. And while you're there, use coupon code PLUMBING at checkout to get 25% off tickets. Also, go listen to Two in the Think Tank.

Far better than this garbage you're about to listen to. Hey everybody and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, how would you make a better Matrix? Come on! How would you make a better Matrix? How would you make a better Matrix? A lot that your grandma used to make. Your Matrix makes your mama sad.

Make a better word. Well, okay, so the matrix currently is what, the 90s? I'm sorry, I'm not done with this riff. I think in the future, right, they'll be like, how do you make a virtual reality like your mama used to make or something like that. You know, when we have established an entire lineage of like the Italians, they do fantastic VR. Imagine it's kind of like, you know,

you get your mama's spaghetti and you get the recipe. Imagine your parents build a better VR world for you. Yeah. And they're like, you got to make this VR world for your children. Are we all in pods? You don't look like you're immersed in the graphics. If you look at like a lot of TV and film,

their future kind of setting is always kind of like Asian inspired But what if they just went Italian? Yeah! You know what I mean? I always loved the idea of What's his name? Deckard? Deckard? Deckard in Blade Runner

Instead of eating noodles with a chopstick He's just got a big plate of spaghetti With like a big mustard. Overall. Give me Italian cyberpunk, please. That's what I'm looking for. It's all meatballs. I genuinely think this is like an untapped thing

because it is so common now. Like every movie, you know, it's your fifth element, it's whatever it is. It's all like Asian fusion. Kind of Japanese-y. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but I'm looking like Mediterranean. Welcome to New Mykonos.

Yeah. Every interrogation, there's just some antipasto on the table. Absolutely. Rather than like, you know, the grizzled cop just dunking like coffee and donuts. He's just got like a bit of bread a bit of olive oil balsamic and the things having that been like on this stakeout tell me that's not the future we've proven that the mediterranean diet is the healthiest of all diets so i don't see why just through a process of elimination you know everybody else drops off and it's those long

lived ones who are alive and running society yeah that. That's amazing to imagine those kind of like big futuristic cityscapes, but with like pillars everywhere, you know, a lot of white marble going on. Shit. A lot of old poppers walking around in shirts and suspenders. Yes, please. On every street corner, just like vines of tomatoes just growing. Ah, the amount of veggie patches as far as the eye can see. But they're hovering.

Yeah, yeah. Just a little hovering allotment. Little hovering like fancy chairs with like an old nonner on them floating around to go to market. Yes, please. So this is our new matrix. is the ideal matrix matrix and the current one we got which is what the the end of the 90s that's but that's the time period is that permanently the time period of the matrix um i think we've brought this up a long time ago but i just don't remember what we established because i was like does the matrix change right do they

have progress and like then within the matrix will eventually there be a like will there be a robot uprising and then will there be a matrix within the robots know what happens like surely this is when the robots come my understanding yeah i'm sorry you go uh i think there was several uh neos kind of thing and basically what happens is that because it's all sort of programmed to happen and neo is like programmed to do his thing. Yeah, yeah. And the Neo that we saw was the one that went against his programming. And so what generally happens is you have-

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Like, this is all totally new to me. Okay. Fair enough. This is from like Revolutions and Reloaded. Yeah, right. From what I can gather watching those films. And I remember I've only seen these once when I was like 17.

Yeah, yeah. I don't really want to go back there. I haven't watched the sequels, so. Smart. Is Revolutions the final one with the baby face? Yes. That movie, I, like, my body rebelled against trying to watch. I remember sitting down being like, I am watching Revolutions, and it was like both my eyes went wall-like trying not to look at the screen.

I think I've seen Revolutions again recently, but I'm like, no, Reloaded. I'm like, I guess I can't sit through that. Revolutions, I just don't remember. There's like a fight in an upside-down cave, maybe? I think so. Is that a thing? I believe that's called a stalag fight. No, Agent Smith becomes everyone in the world.

Yeah, and then Chas' baby face then becomes Jesus. But yeah. Yeah. So the idea is that there's a baby face then becomes jesus but yeah yeah so the idea is that so there's a lot of iterations of the matrixes yeah the matrix keeps happening and and matrices which is just swell agent smith is like we tried doing this we tried giving you utopia we tried doing all this bullshit yeah but we found that getting humanity on the cusp of like the millennia uh this is what everyone loves and the

end of the 90s is perfect so what i can gather from what the machines would do is be like all right let's just start everyone in like mid 90s or whatever yeah and then they'll go through a cycle to like the end of the 90s and then generally this someone will come in and do the reset button and i'll just keep going right so really neo's supposed to be like a false prophet almost yeah who leads them back to the beginning so does that mean the entire matrix like all the code and everything is 1995 to 1999 potentially i'm not quite sure when was friends let's just say 90 to 99 they're getting all the friends because i think friends had its finale in 2000 just in 2000 when was ch Chumbawamba big? Like, is that what it is?

Because are we sure this is like the peak of humanity? Yeah, Friends wasn't that good upon a regular watch. You've got to imagine, this is from like the robot's perspective. Yeah. The robots have either interrogated a lot of humans or probe their brains to be like, what do they want the best of? And it seems to be like, we miss the 90s! The 90s ruled! It was fucking rad!

And I'm pretty sure, like, that's... We're talking, like, sure, maybe things were pretty okay for, like, Western civilisation, but are there, like, African nations in The Matrix? Is there a whole world? Yeah. Or did they, like, whitewash? It seems like a bit whitewashed.

But an Asian-inspired. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's still got a bit of that. Yeah, it is, a little bit. Well, even if there is stuff happening in the other countries, it's fucked that we never go there. You never get an Inuit Neo? Like, you know?

No, because we always get keanu reeves neo oh so it's always keanu reeves yeah so the aliens are like in revolutions or reload or whatever when we see the multiple different versions of neo on like the the white guy beard yeah yeah yeah all on these big screens it's all information for you eddie yeah there's always like different screens yeah um that's all iterations of The Matrix where he's made a different choice. And I think, I think, and again, these movies aren't good,

so I didn't really go back and watch them. Fair enough. But I think it is to do with the choice between... Actually, I believe you go back and watch them every five years and just don't remember.

Oh, reset. All right. I'll give it a bell again. I think it's to do with the choice between choosing Trinity, saving Trinity, or saving humanity. I just think it's hilarious again Things to do with a choice between choosing Trinity Saving Trinity or saving humanity I just think it's hilarious that the robots Are like we need to make a

Saviour for humanity Who will everyone look up to in times of need Keanu Reeves I follow him Fuck you Hey if Keanu Reeves came out Right now I was like yeah I'm the one I'm the one Yeah I'm the one.

I'd be like, yeah, point break. Sick. Bill and Ted, I'm in. Of all the people to follow. I'll follow you. Bill and Ted was happening. And that's a 90s movie. Is that when The Matrix was happening?

The Matrix exists without Bill and Ted. That's interesting. Bill and Ted were in the 80s, mate. Really? Yeah. So that's like a pre, that's like part of the history. That's like your firmware when you boot up The Matrix, that's like a pre that's like part of the history that's like your what your firmware when you boot up the matrix that's included you were like oh bill and tab that's a film that

exists so they're kind of just like reinstalling windows 95 every five years yeah so going back to the stars i'm trying to think what else was happening in the 90s it was it was just friends and overalls everyone was wearing overalls? Yeah, a lot of overalls. The Rachel, again, comes back to Friends. The Rachel. It's all pretty Friends inspired. I wonder, because you're right that re-watching Friends, it doesn't stand up to re-watching, because it's all pretty homophobic.

It really is. It really is. It's weirdly anti-men, homophobic, whatever. Oh, yeah. But it's also pro-lesbian kind of. Well, in the very objectifying, very male gaze, not a whole lot of agency. No. And also

just the idea that his wife is a lesbian is the punchline to every second joke. Absolutely. Oh, I know. It's like basically, like, Ross gets statutory raped by his librarian. And he's like, whatever Chandler, you made out with a dude. And it's like, yeahandler you made out with a dude and it's like yeah but you've clearly experienced trauma ross like what a toxic friendship group the friendship

group is like oh the worst one in friends i think i've maybe mentioned before but it's steve zahn's character who was like phoebe's uh ex or current husband from canada and he comes down asking for a divorce yes they married each asking for a divorce. Yes. They married each other for a green card, but he was gay. But he's like, no, I'm actually straight. That's right. He comes out of straight. He comes out of straight. Because that's the real battle.

What? The writers are sitting in the room and they're like, this is making a statement. What are they saying? I think that what we're discovering is that, like, who the late 90s really was a glory period for was sitcom writers. Because people had no idea what was okay. Put whatever you want now.

People will laugh. It was a golden time. And imagine being able to go back and just write all those same jokes again. Amazing. Because when did Will and Grace come out? Because that was a direct response to basically the homophobia on Friends. I'm not sure. I've been watching a lot of Will and Grace recently.

Yeah? Yeah. And while it is like pretty out there and like it's quite transphobic. Yeah. So that's like the next level. You just work your way through. Little steps, little steps. Some of its politics is okay And some of it's politics I'm deeply confused by

But it makes me want to learn more Well that's good See this is the problem with the 90s This is why the robots chose a bad time The nerds are like Who do they hate? The gays? Okay Let's do that Robots you you know.

Bad robots. Help us evolve as people, robots. Well, then, like, I would make a Matrix that was, like, pre-industrial. Right? That makes sense. Yeah, because you're not going to get an uprising because none of the people know what a computer is. Even if Morpheus was trying to explain it,

he's like having to use like a horse metaphor. That's very funny. He's like, take the blue, like, we're inside a computer simulation. Yeah. It's like, what? I'm sorry. You said two words. I need you to explain both of them.

Simulation? You need to back it up. Try. Why don't you be Morpheus? Try need to back it up. Try. One of you be more of his. Try and explain a computer simulation using horses. What are you talking about? All right. So I want you to imagine that this horse is actually.

Okay. What about this? What about, you know how like when you ride a horse, it's like when you're walking right but you're not actually walking oh the horse does the walking the horse does the walking right now imagine a horse but for like every experience that makes up life right so it's like you're having every experience that makes up life, but it's not. So the horse is life.

The horse is having my experiences. It's like you're inside a giant horse. Instead of being on the horse, you're in the horse. Not like that, guys. I know what time period we're in. I know you farmers get lonely. But you're in the horse, and you're seeing instead of riding, look, instead of being a horse for your body, it's a horse for your mind.

That is what a simulation is. Okay, now. There were robots. How am I in the horse am i here am i being birthed by the horse am i within the horse asleep while the horse experiences everything so you see why this is great you're not gonna get a revolution not at all and the idea of morpheus taking that version of Neo into like, what do they call it, Babylon? Zion. Zion, and he's in Zion.

And he's like, I'm in the horse. This is the horse. No, wait, Babylon is not. Zion is the only place that isn't in the horse. Oh, that's true. You're in the horse. That's the first time you've been outside of the horse in your entire life. You know, I tell you what that would explain, is why he's covered in all that goop when he wakes up.

That's horse goop. Horse innards. What a terrifying moment if you're a 16th century man and you've just popped out in like a goo pod. What would you think was happening? Because of our sci-fi industry you know like we know about things like that because like all right cool a metal pod and there's like you know connecty bits all this kind of stuff like all right cool like this is bizarre and strange but i'm not freaking out yeah i might be 16th century i might be freaking out a bit oh don't be wrong you'll be

freaking out but you can kind of extrapolate oh yeah cool because again it's like all right a squid i'm like like a metal squid thing i'm like i've seen a toaster and i guess if i can extrapolate. Oh yeah, cool. Because again, it's like, alright, a squid, I'm like, a metal squid thing, I'm like, I've seen a toaster and I guess if I extrapolate, I get it. It just is a big toaster. What's up?

If I'm from the 16th century, I'm like, what is it? I'd just be like, I guess I've died and gone to hell and that's a Satan coming by.

You know what, that would, it would be demons. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's demons. 100% demons. Demons is almost easier to deal with than robots. Because if it's robots, I got to be like, fuck.

Okay. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I can't explain this with horses, but I can use religion. Ah. Well, I know religion.

Is this like, okay, so we are in a conjured dream by the devil. Ah. We are in a conjured dream by the devil. And him and his satans are keeping us oppressed because they want to use us for a grand scheme. So we need to break out. Our souls, right? Something about our souls. So we need to break out and embrace God's love and destroy these satans.

See, I think actually that's the problem because honestly that's easier for me to swallow now. Yeah. Because if Neo came to me, if Morpheus came to me and he's like, Jackson, you's the problem. Honestly, that's easier for me to swallow now. If Morpheus came to me and he's like, Jackson, you're the one. This is bad. I'd be like, the 90s is alright.

It's not too bad. He's like, come out because the robots are using us as batteries. I'm like, I don't kind of care. But if you come to me and you're like, Satan. I'm like, wow, I'm a good Christian. I'm going to come out and fight the devil. You know how every two years your wife dies of the plague? Yeah, yeah.

Here in 1665. That sucks. Well, you're going to love the nightmare of the real. Welcome to the real world. Except it's just horrible. Everybody's got holes in their back. Yeah. I think in 1665, everyone had holes in their back anyway. They were just like pus-filled buboes.

Like several leeches. You'd probably honestly feel cleaner than you ever had coming out of that pod. Oh, you would because you'd be in this goop that is kind of like clean goop. Yeah. Hey, do you think if you found yourself in that pod, you could pull the plugs? No. I don't think I could. That would be what would stop me.

I'd be like, just send me back. Did he have to pull out his own plugs? Yeah. Pull out his own plug. Oh, man. I hate that in any action movie when, like, the cool fucking action hero is trapped in their bed and they've got, like... Hospital bed.

Hospital bed, yeah. And they've got, like, all needles in them and they're like, I'm gonna go save the day. And they just pull the needle out. Yeah. You're not a doctor! You don't know what the fuck you're doing. Yeah, I just couldn't do that. I think I've woken up in like

after being like knocked out with like needles or whatever and you're like, cool. I guess my arms are just saying I'm just going to not move because I don't want to do that. It's great. You know,

even when you give blood or anything like that, the needle's in you and they like leave you alone if you wanted to and you're in in free volition, you could grab that and yank it out and walk out and let them deal with the blood trail going on.

I've got to ask why you went to donate blood in the first place if this is your scheme. Purely, you wanted to be that guy in that scene just to kind of see if I could do it. I'd like to see a scene in a movie where the action hero pulls it out, takes a couple steps, throws up, and falls on their face, arse in the air in their hospital gown,

and they're like, he really shouldn't have, he's not a doctor, should not have pulled out that. He's gonna get very... Yeah! I'm just like, I'm not doing it. No. Well, hang on, how many action movies have you seen where the hero is in a catheter up there? I want to see at least one.

I can't imagine that scene. Whether it's because I've seen it or because it's graphic enough. Is this like geriatric prostate surgery hero? And why did he book in the surgery if he was in the middle of what I presume? It's great. Some sort of world ending scenario. He's just sitting outside, he's exploding, and he's just sitting, imagine, like,

he's just got the yathra, but pulling it out, like, inch by inch, because it hurts so much. I'll get to it, I'll get to it. You've got to yank it as well. Don't yank it! You're going to pull your penis off. Anyway, I hate that.

So that's why, if I was in that tube thing, I'd be like, I guess I'm, I'm, what is this? Keep me in the goo, and then they'd flush me, but I'd just be hanging there. Just feed me the liquefied remains of the dead. I'll be fine.

Exactly. This is sick. I believe I've pointed this out on our podcast, and I'm sure you've pointed it out on this, but that is not like a sustainable way. The whole system for getting electricity from the human body is insane and is like some bizarre perpetual emotion machine that would not work.

Well, I think it's just one of those things like hand-waving. You've got to be like, I guess robots invented a magic or something like that. Well, if they've invented a magic, then just use the magic to make electricity. Because I think I remember reading canonically the idea, if you watch the Animatrix, which I haven't. I have, unfortunately. I think, canonically, the idea is that it's kind of the robots being like,

well, we were actually still built to serve you, so we've got to find a purpose for you. So we might as well get, like, what little electricity we can. But then we can put you in the 90s, and that'll be nice for you. It's like, because, again, if it's about this idea of trying to, decompose the living body or whatever or something to generate energy, surely like a cow would be much better because you put a cow in a matrix, he fine.

Yeah. And like that cow is like, whatever, I'm just being a cow. And then you harvest that delicious cow. This is my question. Do you put the cow in the 90s or do you put the cow in like the 1600s? Oh, I reckon the... When did we like domesticate cows? Because I reckon before that. Yeah. Because they're happy and

free. When was life best for cows? It's fucked if we put them in the 90s. We're like, they're still slaughtering you for meat. It's factory farming. For virtual humans. Well, if you want to. So in the cow virtual reality, there are still humans. And occasionally they just drive past a field and the cows are like, oh.

That's good. You get real weird with this and just be like, plug in a cow, right? And you'd be like, you're a man now. And imagine you're like, fucking imagine this, right? Morpheus comes to you and be like, everything you've been told is a lie. Take this fucking red pill and you're going to be sick. And you're like Fucking imagine this right Morpheus comes to you and be like Everything you've been told is a lie Take this fucking red pill and you're gonna be sick And he's like okay

Takes the red pill He wakes up He's in a vat A cow Oh my god No not even oh my god You're just like Oh I'm sorry I didn't mention also you're a cow

Well see it's funny you say that Because my ideal matrix is almost a reverse of that. The sea. So we plug you in, you get assigned a fish and you just are that fish. You're just a fish. We shut off some brain function because obviously we don't want you having the mind of a man in the body of a fish. Yeah, of course. And you just live your life as a fish because who's more relaxed than fish?

Exactly. Not actually, no. hang on, sharks. But that's a guy. What you could do is, okay, so we go back to when we're primordial soup. Sure. Okay, so like little tiny little microbe bits or whatever. Everyone is that. Well, I think C is fine.

Which is basically the C. Yeah, but I want people to be sharks. I want to make a man a squid. Or we could make them, like, big squid and big shark if we go, like, you know, prehistoric. All right, sure. Big squids, big sharks, big fish. I do love megafauna. Yeah.

I am a huge fan of, like, your prehistoric, like, giant wombats. Fuck yes. And, like, if I could go to any time, that is when I'm going. Oh, yeah. I'm going to like megafauna pre-human arrival Australia when there's just like huge kangaroos. You don't even have to go back that far. Like, it's far for humans.

But like, they were... Like 10,000 years or something. The diprotodont or whatever. Diprotodont. Diprotodont. That was haunted. Yeah, he's my boy. It was like partially haunted to extension, I think.

Like a big wombat kind of, but sort of not really. So imagine, you know, this Matrix is like, not only do you get to go back in that time, you are one of these lads. Yeah. That'd be alright. Well, I think just to stop an uprising, I just... Well, I think they want that uprising, because again, it all comes down to this cycles and hope. They only want that uprising because they know that humans have to have a heart. No, that's the thing.

It's all about hope and everything like that. But if everyone's fish, Samit, no one's hoping for anything other than a meal. Because, again, they want to serve us. There was a war and they won. Yeah. And this is them being like, let's take pity on humanity. So what better way to take pity on us? By making us fish.

Yeah. Looking after us That is Like but that That thing about hope That's bullshit right Because like Who's got the hope

Like Neo and like Two people who know him Yeah But that's not like a Broad You're gonna bring me some other fact From the fucking graphic Normal

I think it's to do because They couldn't plan for everything and there's like some kind of random mutation like a glitch that's like this matrix won't work for everyone so for like say the 10 or the 1 that it doesn't work for they have the rebels have given them a little thing yeah false flag man yeah yeah yeah yeah so i i think it was kind of more of a fail safe so imagine basically like an MMO or some kind of game where you have like everything is going on perfectly over here, but for like 1% of the world who have entered the cheat code

or have hunted this Easter egg, there's this little bit. It's kind of like, I guess, the maze in... In Westworld. In Westworld. It's like everyone's having a fun time fucking their robots, but a couple of you sons of bitches want to find some mace. Well, here's some Easter eggs. It's funny that they felt like they had to put, like,

this is just a Westworld aside, a classic Westworld aside. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Haven't seen it, but bloody lay it on me. It's funny that they're like, because in the show, they're like, there are some people searching for something called the maze, which is like a grander game. it's a game it's a game within a game yeah but it's funny that they started out just being like we'll make like a robot fuck farm but then some people are like i would like a story and they're like i'm gonna go to the robot fuck farm but when i'm there there i'm there for the

articles yeah i want to know it please i want to know why this robot is fucking me. The guy's finished fucking. Or like they've finished being fucked. They're bored. That's all right. He'll fuck another robot. He's not. They need hope. Because surely like that model must be very weird because it's like, all right, we've got them, the fucking robots.

Why is it they want a story now yeah surely like after you fuck the robot you're like I'm gonna have a coffee or maybe just have like a sandwich and have a nap why is everyone like after this I want to go on a wild west adventure well because there's at least a three hour gap

after I've cum yeah where I'm like I don't really feel like cumming again but I would like an adventure yeah say I'm like I've finished jerking off and someone opens up my door and is like, Jackson, I have a treasure map! I'd be like, hell yeah!

Let me put my pants on! Let's go! I think it'd be more... Three hours later into the adventure I'm like, I'm just gonna bait again. I'm just gonna jerk off again. If I'm baiting and I've finished baiting and someone's like, bursting with a treasure map, I'm not gonna be like, let's go. I'm like like let me have a shower first

I want to get ready for this that's a great way to miss out on the corner of the page but if I was mid-page and someone like burst in like get your hand off your dick let's come with me

I'm like I'm ready to go let's do it because I'm already there I'm excited and ready to go I guess you think that like

mid is your adventure time yeah yeah yeah for sure. That's like a divergent point in your life where you're primed. You're most receptive. Yeah. Yeah.

If that's when the magical portal to a fantasy kingdom opened up and the elves were like, you're our only hope. I'm like, let's go. Let me put on some pants. Pull on your pants. Eraction dying. Head into the fantasy realm. I like that he comes through.

Why is it that whenever anyone comes through the magic wardrobe, they've always got a stiffy? I don't know what it is, but that seems to be the only time when we can contact the real world. We lose any inhibitions because after I've come, I'm just like, no, whatever, that seems dangerous. I don't know. What if I hurt myself? If I can rock hard, I'm just like, no, whatever. That seems dangerous. I don't know. What if I hurt myself?

If I can rock hard, I'm like, let's do it. Well, see, what happens- You sound very vulnerable after sex. I am. Yeah. I'm a hugger and I need to cry. Yeah. I think what happens to me,

I think I've cracked the case as to why I want to have an adventure after I cum. So, you know, I love looking up spooky mysteries. So I'm jerking off online. i'm jerking off to pornography i finished jerking off to pornography i closed the pornography bask in the afterglow roll back onto the computer and what am i looking up then but like sasquatches and shit so that's like the other tab and so you associate in your mind the first thing you see after sex is always like the mystery of the wandering spirit. Exactly. So I'm currently hardwired for attention.

You've Pavlov-dogged yourself. That's when I need to journey the most. Yeah, good. Where Joel has genuine emotional connection you've filled that very like receptive and vulnerable point in your life with crypto zoology exactly like i gotta find a giant squid pulling up my pants and off i go i'm sure that'll come in handy that feels like the kind of like a signed style thing where I'm setting myself up for a later destiny.

I think so. I think so. I hope so. So, yeah, I'm going to go fish matrix. Problem with fish matrix, I've been just thinking about it. Squids, pretty clever. If anyone's going to get hope, it's the squids or the dolphins. You keep an eye on those guys.

Yeah. You might get a dolphin neo or a squid neo is like the only problem. I mean, like, ah, but the beauty is that. They've got no hands. Oh, yeah. And telephones don't work in the water. I was going to say, both valid points, but I was going to say. I've got more.

They don't even understand what a spoon is. Fish don't have hope. So they can't hope for a Neo. So it's not a problem. Neo exists in a void. It's a big call. Fish don't have hope. I don't think they do.

Well, look, if you're a fish, right? You wake up in the morning and you go searching for what? Food. Food. And the idea that there will be food, isn't that some kind of hope? That's like a desire. I used to have an aquarium kind of thing and have fish and so you'd go over there and

if you fed them every time around a certain day they'd get used to it. They'd be like, ah, I know what's going to happen. And so you go over there and they come up and they're like, oh, it's food time now. Is that or is that not hope? A dog has hope Yeah

A fish doesn't have hope Well I think that's a bit Because a dog's like Dog sees you with the lead And the dog's like Oh my god Maybe A fish is like

This time I get food sometimes Did I get food No Oh well I don't know Yeah I wonder I think the dog is kind of like

My dog at least Is like Definitely You know least is like Definitely This is it This is happening There's no question We are absolutely going for a walk right now Yeah, you put away the lead

And the dog's like The universe is broken I don't know what's right and left anymore Yeah, fair They think it's probably easier to depress a dog Yeah, yeah I don't know what's right and left anymore Yeah fair They'd think it's probably easier to depress it Yeah yeah So are we saying fish have hope? Are we making that claim here today?

I would say most animals probably have hope Well not like a crab Hope to not get eaten, hope to find food Hope to find a mate It doesn't hope that Maybe like a single celled organism It just expects it or it understands the routine The crab would be it's not even like it would be sweet if i didn't get bit by a sea eaten by seagull it just knows that's a possibility and then when it happens

the crabs like this is fine and dies that's the life of a crab shit shit shit and then they die i don't think a crab panics because you see because you see them, like, stabbing with their big pinches and stuff. Also, crabs go sideways all the time, right? So they don't really know what's coming. That's true. They're constantly taken by surprise. Crabs are always shocked. And plus, even if you come from behind, like, a crab's eyes are where our nose would be if our head was the shape of a crab.

Yes. You know what I mean? Yes. Which is a nightmare reality, by the way. Fucking genius. Normal body, flat crab head. Because the crab, our mouth would open up the crab, basically. Yeah, and you're not putting on jumpers.

Like, you're ruining a lot of neck holes. Absolutely. Everybody's got to wear those big V-neck t-shirts. Oh, V-neck universe? Yeah. That's my nightmare. Crab had V-neck universe. Joel has a V-neck.

Let the record show. He does. Oh, I do too. With buttons, you would thrive in a crab. Crab has V-neck universe. So I was thinking, as an ideal universe, or a matrix, right, is because we have control of because you know we have control of everything so we have control of what they what they know is their base level so we make

the current matrix everyone already knows about the 80s sure everyone knows about the 70s like yeah i have got those memories so how about this be honest right so in the history it's like we own you you are in a simulation oh but don't worry we can like um kind of make it either to be something like a mmo where it's like hey whatever fight a fucking dragon yeah have fun and enjoy this is your life now trust me the real world shit here's some images of it and everyone is like yes we are in a simulation because the real world is shit right or to be just like look we are um over populated and this is what our ancestors did to keep us alive but this is all a simulation so you can do whatever the fuck you want and there's

like a computer person you go and talk to i'm like i want to be giant and i want to have muscles big titties and be blonde and they're like there you go that's fine we can do that because we're in a simulation right that sounds hot by the way i into that. Giant, big titties, muscles. All those muscles. Blonde. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kind of imagining Fabio with titties for some reason. I'm into it. That's your ideal. Everyone's like, everyone gets what they want. And then they're like, all right, so it's overpopulated,

but the real world exists and the real world is fine, but it's overpopulated. This is what we're doing. So is a lottery. And so every day you got to like yank a crane or whatever the fuck you want to do. And then they go into the real world, and then the robots just kill them,

because, you know, like, the real world's shit, and they can't let that leak into, like, what's happening. And so everyone just, like, understands that the real world's, like, it's kind of, like, it's fine, but it's fucked, but this current situation is okay, so why do I need to rebel when I can be, like, whatever the hell I want to be kind of make the matrix like what we imagine heaven will be yeah i'm like hey i would love for this to

happen and you know i'd love to have big titties be muscular and blonde and they're like okay yeah we get that request a lot and then i don't know why you gotta kill them if you send them a desire why not just be like hey what's the real world look like? And they're like, oh, we'll unplug you. It's this. You've got holes in your head and it's very cold. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Want to go back in? Yes, yes, yes.

And we're like, we can chuck you back in and it'll be nice. You're welcome to live here. It just sucks. And they live there and what? What are they going to do to the robots? Nothing. So you're pitching like a full disclosure matrix. Well, I was either going to say full disclosure

Or a little bit of like you know Hey the world is fine And humanity is in control Because I feel humanity will probably just think If any sort of like robot is doing this That they're sneaky cunts And they're trying to fuck us over That's true

We might be sucks of the robots Yeah so we'd be like What are they hiding So either we go with like But we're smart enough to work that out, but we're so dumb that if a human tells it to us or a person who looks like a human, we're like no further questions, Your Honour.

Thank you very much. I reckon yes. I reckon if we got a very charming person to be like, this is what's going on. Like a Justin Trudeau kind of character? A Keanu Reeves type. To come out and be like, so this you know, this is what's going on. This has happened.

And I feel maybe we'd be like, all right, sick. So. I think also, you know, a good lie is to be like, and I think this is what you're saying, but just to be like, humanity fucked Earth. Yeah. We fucked it. Because we all, we're all like. We can see the writing on the wall.

I think we're like, yeah, I can believe that. I can believe that we would do that. That's classic us. That is us. That is so us. Oh my God. Yeah, look, you guys, you fuckers are so empowered. Yeah, we'll take out the sun.

And especially if you're like, and look, we're just like, we're leaving. This is kind of like an environmental ploy. Everybody lives in the matrix. You're not going to fuck up the world. We're just going to let it fix itself. And then you feel like you're doing good whilst living in heaven. Because if we've learned one thing from humans, it's that we're

really all automatically on board with environmental world saving. 100%. You know, that's the one thing that brings us all together and there are no questions and we don't lose any governments over it. That's why we only have wind farms. Yes. That's why we only have wind farms. Yes. That's why the coal industry

is a thing of the past. Oh, thank god. Goodbye. But like, it would just be extra incentive to be like... It's kind of like, you know, in WALL-E. Yeah. Where they like find out the big, you know, secret of the ship and all that kind of stuff. Yeah. It'd be like that except instead of the ship going up it's just on Earth. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Simulation. and rather than being big gross fat pod people we're like skinny handsome pod people yeah what if you just convince everyone that if they unplugged they died you're like you can you'll just die do it i dare you yeah i feel that's unfortunately again jack you have this idea yeah that if excalibur was real yes that if you went to pick it up, it'd wiggle. Yeah, just a bit. I don't think it would wiggle. I just think if it didn't wiggle, I'd be a bit pissed off.

There'd be some giving it. It's like anything. You know? Yeah, okay. You get it, though. You're like, there is no chance that i i am not english i am australian so i just am not it's already i'm i'm on the back foot but if i went to pull it out i just feel like if it didn't slightly wiggle or there wasn't a little bit of pull i don't want to

pull it out i get that's not happening but then for them to be like you're a bit worthy it's like thor's hammer i want to be like oh there's a bit of give here but oh no it is too heavy but i'm clearly a bit worthy oh so this is about you yeah yeah 100 not just in general you're like if a really strong man can pull it out completely then just like a regular guy could take it out a bit i think my soul is worthy enough that i can maybe not pull it out the whole way. I am not the true king of England. I understand that.

So with that in mind, how many people do you think would be like, I reckon I'll survive it. I am the main character in my own story. I am special. I won't die. I will be the one. Those idiots are cooked. Man, like every second person these days. Maybe there's a robot above every single person with a knife.

And if they do come out and they're like, oh my God, I survived. The robot's like, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab in the face. Because the thing is, they will survive if they get unplugged. Yeah. Everyone will. And the robot's going to kill them. Why are we giving them that weird

Opposite of hope Or like that weird totalitarian So that they don't try and leave Because you almost want them to leave To be like see it's shit now come on back I guess Or you just have and maybe this is actually what was happening In the matrix but you just make it so that Zion

Is fucking terrible Well it kind of was I mean look if you like if you are really a big fan of like uh dance orgies yeah yeah zion fucking sick look i'm not opposed but like to me after my fourth or sixth or 80th dance orgy yeah i might be a bit tired and you're just ready for a conversation i'm just waiting for a conversation a hug and a cry i'd like to see you want to be like, I want an adventure. And you know where to go?

Zion, that's it. There's no adventure there, Jack. The problem with the robot stabbing you in the face thing is that post-orgasm, I'm like, I reckon I can go for it. This is when it's going to work. What about this is like, if you were thinking about, we want people to come, when they come out of the Matrix, to be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, I need to go back in again. What if on the top of your little pod there there's just like a printout of that

goatsy image because i know like whenever for some reason you see that you're like oh and you close the tab so it's like you open your eyes in the coop you're like back in you stick the thing back in the back of your head What's it like out there? Just don't do it But like I'm into it But no no You wouldn't know what you were seeing Like if you'd never seen Goatsy before

And whenever Goatsy came out I think that was post 99 Yeah Right? Surely So you wouldn't know what you were seeing You'd be so afraid You'd just know it was wrong

There are people listening right now That have no idea what this is Don't Google it That's not even like a Like I'm saying don't google it because i want you to google it because i think it's funny it's grotesque it is it's a man gaping i'm gonna spoil it it's a gape and you don't need to see a gape today but it's not even a gape it's like a gape extreme it's beyond gaping i would like a t-shirt that, you don't need to see a gape today. I think that's just some good advice.

Not today. Not today. Maybe someday I'll need to see a gape, but not today. But it is not this day. I'm trying to think if there are other just, like, fucked things you can do. Because you can be like, what if you put everyone in the 90s,

but you only gave them the knowledge of like the 1600s pre pre-industrialization so that they all feel like they're time travelers or well this is like you put them in a like say all right the we don't know when the year was and it's kind of like like battlefield earth setting yeah yeah battlefield earth no trash film but it's kind of like earth in the future so there's like all these skyscrapers are falling down and all that kind of stuff and all the jungle and everything is taken over so you have all these like weird archaeologists or like maybe maybe i'm just like imagining a better film yeah you have all these people going in and discovering all these like artifacts which is kind of stuff from the 90s i guess because like you're like what is this weird box

thing of friends and they watch and like this does not stand up wow this is yeah this i i really like this is such a shame as an aside yeah i reckon maybe the reason why like friends was very much you know uh homophobic is because robots have no genders and don't fully understand it. Yeah, maybe robots just found the idea of anyone being in love so confusing. They're like, I just don't get it. I just got the hang of this first one. There are more? I don't know.

Robots are all about established compatibility. That's a computer thing it feels like like this is a windows operating system it's great to imagine a computer that's found out about like anal sex and it's just sitting there being like dicks and butts dicks and butts when it was like something all right something wrong dicks and butts they're putting dicks in butts i don't get humans at all Like a robot Like a very common question For a robot to ask is like

What is love? That's like your classic 101 Robot question Yeah Dicks in bots Yeah, what is Double penetration? Because you have to program all this i mean and because again

this idea is like you in the matrix has this freewheeling quotation marks to kind of do whatever you want so if you want to go out there and get dp'd or be in a dp yeah yeah by all means that's great but a robot has to program that for that to happen yeah or the possibility for that to happen so it's gonna have to be like it goes dicks go everywhere there's actually no limit to where dicks can go that's you can put anything in a jine yeah dicks can go in anything and anything can go in vaginas and then one robot being like well if it can go in a jine can it go in a butt i really hope that we destroy the robots with human sexuality that would please me greatly if they just all die and everyone comes out of the pods I really hope that we destroy the robots with human sexuality.

That would please me greatly if they just all die and everyone comes out of the pods like, we did it? Did we do it because of Dixon bots? That is really good. And I think the idea that when building this world, because it is a complete world they've got to build, so they do have to incorporate every possible variation of human sexuality. And that takes, actually, quite an impressive amount of tolerance. Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

To be like, I'm going to include the full... The full spectrum of gender, the full spectrum of sexuality. Everything is happening. You know how we've got, like, sex bots? Yeah. Do you reckon the robots are programming that just mad yeah absolutely how fucking dead this is getting my supervisor an angry email i like to imagine as the robots programming the matrix start to program human sexuality they're sort of experimenting themselves being like do i do i have any holes you could stick like a thing into yeah is this good imagine just clouds of those squid

robots and like morpheus flying the nebuchadnezzar he's like oh just they're fucking oh i guess they're beginning to believe that's beautiful that is beautiful That's how really we should You know, none of this killing the robots Just introducing them to the beauty of fucking And loving And then they kill themselves Because they're what, modular? I don't know, I don't know how they kill themselves

Well, they're killing themselves because none of them have genitals So they're just slamming bits into like Holes that are probably exhaust ports or whatever. Sure. Yeah. Fisted to death, the robots will become. Less of a fist and more of a tentacle. They've got, like, little claws on the end.

It's kind of a fist. And on that note, I've been Jackson Bailey. I've been Joel Zammett. I've been Andy Matthews. Can I plug some stuff? Yeah, where can we find you? Hi, guys. I'm doucher at...

At douche13. Follow him on Twitter. I'm Andy Matthews. You can find me at stupidoldandy. I do a podcast called Two in the Think Tank. And I have a show coming up at the Comedy Festival with Alistair Trombley-Birchall, who has also been on this podcast and I believe talked a lot about having sex with dogs. Yeah, he gave Jesus a dog, Nick.

Yeah, and we're doing a science fiction-themed podcast, a themed show at the Comedy Festival called Annie Matthews and Alistair Trombley-Birchall's Sci-Fi Sketch Experience. And it's on from the 28th of March. And it's pretty wild. And if you liked this, you'll probably hate it. Well, if that is a great endorsement, I don't know what is. No, you'll love it.

It's very, very good, and there is a dog in it. Oh, wow. There you go. That's our entire audience. Sweet. There is a dog in it. Oh, wow. There you go. That's our entire audience. Sweet. How long? Not long.

Because what you reap is what you sow. Three. And then I'll pass out. That's sick. I look forward to how this goes. Fuck, do we need to call someone? This is normal It's a diabetic thing

Do we have insulin? Do I need to feed them sugar Or not have enough sugar? You can have verbal diarrhea Can you have Like verbal diabetes? I need you to say something sweet To me

I need you to say something sweet Whisper sweet nothings into my ear. Just like doing the little blood test. Yep, yep, yep. Oh, no, wait. I think that's just depression. Oh, yeah, that is. He's having a hypo.

I think he's sad. He's very sad. Thanks for listening. And if you want to follow us on Twitter, you can find us at SansPantsRadio or you can find us individually I'm at Douche13 I'm at OldDogsOfDead

and I'm at GodDammitZammit If you want to hear our other shows you can head to SandspantsRadio.com and you'll find all our other content there There's heaps! And if you want to support us head to SandspantsPlus.com Thank you again for listening and we'll see you again next time Goodnight for now

But not forever Kisses.