Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Make a Chamber of Secret?

Episode Date: April 5, 2020

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Sandspan's Radio, Australia's least coherent podcast network. Hey everybody and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask important questions like, how would you make a chamber of secret? So are we to assume for this question that Hogwarts was founded not by four. But by seven. By seven individuals. We all got a different house, I guess. Four individuals and one podcast. We all got a different house, I guess. Four individuals and one podcast.

Wow, there are so many more implications to that than just building a chamber of secrets. Jackson House, Dusha House, Zammert House. Nah, just the one house. Yeah, plumbing the death stone. And the way you get in is if you're chewing gum when they call your name. Or swearing. Or slightly not paying attention

and then just start sprouting an argument and doubling down when anyone ever questions it. The sorting hat being like, is that gum? What? Okay, plumbing house. All right. To plumbing house with you. I like that it's like Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, Slytherin, plumbing house with you. I like that it's like a Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, Slytherin plumbing house. Do you mean like

the thing that exists? Are we plumbers? No, that was the podcast. Shut up. Quit mouthing off. Classic plumbing the death star student. But also, hey, congratulations to our audience for listening to this. It is a Harry Potter

episode, which are famously our most infuriating. Yeah, absolutely. I thought accurate. So I've done the research. Slytherin Slazagard, or whatever his name was. Salazar Slytherin. Yeah. That's what I said.

I said that confidently and also may have been wrong. So he met evil times. He was like, I hate those mudbloods. Yeah. And we want purity. So he dug out a chamber and just chucked a basilisk in there. Absolutely. And he's like, that'll sort it out.

That's enough. The basilisk will know. Yeah. The basilisk will be able to tell the difference between pure bloods and not pure bloods. Mudblood, I think we call them. I don't know if this ever happens to you guys, but when we're talking about something and you're confident and then all of a sudden someone says something and it just reveals a giant gap in knowledge,

that just happened for me. What's in the chamber? What is the basilisk there for? Just there, kicking it sweet. They're not something else. You need a guardian. You're making a chamber. You're making a chamber of secret. You need a guardian. And there's also chamber. You're making a chamber of secret.

You need a guardian. And there's also a big statue of Salazar Slytherin. I think it was just a place he liked. Is it a big statue of Slytherin? It's just a place he liked to go and chill. So basically it's his room of requirement. And his requirement was there's a basilisk and a statue. Oh, no.

He made it before he left. He made it, then he chuffed it off. Yeah, he made it, like, not even, I think, during construction. He just was like, after the fact, I'm going to turn this girl's toilet into a basilisk. Oh, it gets worse, because I think the toilet came after the chamber. Yeah, that's right. Oh, yeah, because plumbing didn't exist until. Yeah.

That rules so much, because that means wizards are looking at the blueprints of Hogwarts and they're like, there's a huge sewer here. Let's just send all the kids shit into that. At Basel. They don't explore it in the movie, but the Chamber of Secrets is basically a sewer. It's covered in fecal matter. Just human waste, wizard waste. Did Sallos Llytherin have to go back to Hogwarts after they built the female toilets there

so that he could then turn that, he could add the entrance? Like you had to- I suppose so. Or was that entrance, or we assume that- No, because there's plumbing on that entrance. Yeah, we assume the entrance was created by Salazar Slytherin, but it was actually the wizard plumbers.

That's a way we could get in to make sure everything's working down there. And they just happen to be parcel tongues as well. Yeah, exactly. They've all been put in there by the plumbers. Plumbing house. Oh my god. Before we think of how we

make our own chamber of secrets, what was the point of the chamber of secrets? Yeah, see that was... Is it just like... It was just a place for Salazar Slytherin to go and chill with his home dogs. And shits. Yeah. He just was never there. It was just a place for Salazar Slytherin to go and chill with his home dogs. No, and shits. Yeah. He just was never there.

It was just for him to be able to put a statue, chuck a snake in and leave. Is this like a neglected hobby of his? Was he like a snake guy that just was like, I've got a snake? Maybe he intended to go back, but he never got around to it. You know? He was like, oh, I'll build that chamber and that's where I'll do my arcane rituals, my snake evil or whatever. But then he got caught up with other stuff,

started a family. You can't go back to it now. It's so weird that, because in my head, the knowledge void that opened up when we were talking, I was like, oh yeah, I know, he's protecting something. And I was like, no, yeah, I know. He's protecting something. And I was like, no, the thing that's in there is the snake

and Tom Riddle's diary. But Tom Riddle's diary comes well after. And isn't Tom Riddle's diary in there because it was flushed? Yes. So that means it legitimately connects to the Chamber of Secrets. It means every time a wizard takes a shit, it travels like the paper boat in It down the sewer pipes and into the chamber.

So the chamber was first there, and then apparently it was only accessible through concealed trapdoor and a series of magical tunnels. However, when Hogwarts plumbing became more elaborate in the 18th century, the entrance of the chamber was threatened and was located on the site of the proposed bathroom. So it's just kind of like, oh, it's a coincidence. And I guess the plumbers are like, oh, hey, a big thing. Yeah.

That's what I was saying before. They found the hole in the blueprints and were like, we'll send the shit there. Wizards don't know what they're doing. Famously. Dumb cunts. Dumb morons. It's cool revisiting Harry Potter

and like hey heroic and whatever and you can like see yourself but every character in Harry Potter is a fucking idiot and that's just canon wizards are stupid as hell they never went to high school any of them they have primary school

education that's it are we building? Are we each getting a chamber of secrets? I think we can do this by committee. Oh, okay. All right, boys, we need to make a chamber. I heard that Slithercunt.

Slitherbob. Yeah, he making his own chamber of secrets, he's calling it. All he's doing is putting a snake in there or something. What an idiot. It's so funny that the bar we need to clear is, it's a room full of a snake's calling it. All he's doing is putting a snake in there or something. What an idiot. It's so funny that the bar we need to clear is it's a room full of a snake and a shit. I don't even know what he's putting in it. That sounds like our end.

That sounds like what we'd naturally end up. Yeah, like if there wasn't, we'd be like, oh, it's like a hole in the ground and I put a snake in there and then I take a shit in it. That's the same thing. That's what's happened. No one will come in and find the snake because they're like, oh, P.U. Shits.

What a funny, like, I don't know, Madam Trelawney having a vision of Harry Potter going in there. But like, I don't know, like a hole in the ground with a shit in it and a snake in it represents the Chamber of Secrets. That's crazy. But yeah, the plumbing must connect there because the snake goes into the pipes. Yeah, it does. That's how it. The plumbing of Hogwarts goes direct... When Tom Riddle fished the diary out

of the sewers, it was probably covered in piss. How do you flush a book? I don't know. Hogwarts plumbing is good. What a huge U-punch to take a book. I mean, it was a diary, so you could roll it up, I guess.

But like... It's a hard cover. Yeah, that's true. It did. I have no idea. Something is fucked there. Realistically, it should have just got caught in the U-Bed and flooded the girl's toilet. Barely. It should just still be

in the bowl. Absolutely. Go down, rise up again. Alright, if you're listening to this podcast, I need you to just walk to the nearest bathroom and look at the hole that is in the toilet. I think you're going to be like, if you're listening to this podcast, grab your nearest book. Grab your nearest book. Try it if you want. Flush that book. Flush that book.

It's a hard cover from memory. I think you're right. And even if it isn't, it's still, no book is malleable enough to be flushed. You could get like... You could soak that book for a few hours and it ain't getting flushed any quicker. Absolutely. No human being has taken a shit

as big as a book. No. They are wizards, so maybe they do take monster dumps. Yeah, but... Why? I don't know. A lot of pumpkin pasties or whatever. Too much food. Too much greasy pumpkin pies. Every wizard sphincter is about the size of a dinner plate.

Absolutely. That's canon. That's how they tell. That's how they tell. Bend over. Wow, that's big. I reckon we build the Chamber of Secrets in wherever they put the house elves.

The house elf kitchen. Our Chamber of Secrets, I mean. Or maybe I'll just put mine there. I don't know if we're making one together or not. You want to put it in the kitchen? Yeah. I like the idea of it's in an oven. You have to go in an oven.

Yeah, you have to go in an oven. You've got to get that wrong, and you're going to heaven instead. Absolutely. Well, that's the trick. And also that means that we can steal from the oven from the other side. Oh, I like this idea of stealing from food. Can we also make it so there's more entry points in the kitchen?

So, like, go through an oven. What about every oven? Every oven in Hogwarts connects like every toilet. Every oven in Hogwarts and pantry. toilet Every oven in Hogwarts And pantry Why does Hogwarts need ovens? Well the house elves do the cooking But they are magical I don't know

But they do have ovens But they'd probably only be in the house elf kitchen Because you can't Summon matter You can't summon food. Well, you can't summon food. You can't actually magic food. But if you have a chicken and you like magicous cook it. Like I understand why pantries are there.

Yeah. Why ovens? Sure you can cook it. Well, probably because it's hard to give a rounded heat with a wand. Oh, no, because sure you can just be like. Make this the best tasting chicken I've ever had. I don't know if there's a cooking spell. Cook this chook.

I don't know if anyone's figured that out. We can regrow bones, but cook on a chook. Sure, making this broom fly easy, but cooking? Maybe it doesn't taste the same. Harry Potter should have no fear. All of his bones broke and he lived. Yeah, that's true. Who cares about death?

His bones broke and all of them got turned into jelly. Then he had to regrow them. That would make me fear everything, especially bones. What if you drank that and your bones were fine? Would your bones get real hard? That's how Wolverine was made.

It's cool to have just like you do the jelly bone curse to someone then take their bones out and you got wobbly bones. That's sick, like sausages. Yeah. Way to make a stew. That's pretty good. Yeah, absolutely.

A lot of collagen. Yeah, I assume if you magic like a chicken cooked, it's like microwaving a chicken. It doesn't taste quite the same. Yeah, it tastes a bit magic-y. A bit metallic or something. Okay, all right. Fair enough.

I mean, not, but fair enough. Hey, I'm happy to move on. The moment we're like, magic can do anything, you're like, why is anything? Yeah. Glasses. Yeah, I mean, like, with that, we could just be like, I don't know, we make a spell and you get to our chamber

and you're there and it's no big deal. You get a shovel, you dig deep. There it is. It's not, let it's no big deal. You get a shovel. You dig deep. There it is. It's not. Let's make ours not magically. It's just underground. Behind any kind of, like, anywhere they're making food, what about under one of the houses, the table,

so we can, like, reach up and grab their food? Oh, become sort of vultures and ghouls of Hogwarts. What do we think, boys? I do like that. Yeah, all right. That's good. So we've created less a chamber of secrets and more like a way for us to surreptitiously steal food from students.

Which, again, is more of a goal than what Slazmate had. Yeah, absolutely. I'm happy for it. I think it works. All right. So he had a snake as a pet. What do we want? A dog. I suggest a dog. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dogs love food. Not a big dog, though. Just think it works. Alright, so he had a snake as a pet. What do we want? A dog. May I suggest a dog?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dogs love food. Not a big dog, though. Just a regular dog. Okay, I want everyone to close their eyes and imagine a dog. That one. Oh, it needs to be magic. Can a dog have like a snake tail or something? I don't think it needs to be magic. Why does it need to be magic? Just feels like we'd be going

against Hogwarts if they have a non-magical dog. You've got to think outside the box. Is Mrs. Norris magic? Maybe. She's a cat. There was like rumours that she was something else though. Yeah. She gets turned to a She gets basilisked. Yeah, but she doesn't

die. She doesn't die. She's sort of the basilisk in the reflection of a puddle. Yeah. Enemies of the air, beware. No, I reckon we get a boy dog and a girl dog and we leave them in there and they fuck a bunch and we get a whole bunch of puppies. And then when Harry Potter goes down there, he's like

there's a lot of feral, inbred dogs. It's medieval time. We can get the turn spit dog. Okay. I'm more happy for it doesn't matter the kind of dog for me just as long as we get a lot of inbred dogs. Yeah, well, yeah. This was the dog that we put to work turning a spit.

It doesn't exist anymore. It's a great dog. What? Yeah, we used to breed a kind of dog. You know how, like, right now you get, like, a thing of cakes that'll rotate in a store? Yeah. We used to have a dog for that.

So the dog was underground and just ran in a circle and it rotated the cakes. And that dog doesn't exist anymore. Well, because at a certain point we were like, we can just do this with motors or whatever. And also it's a big crime, I feel. Yes. Well, it's not nice to the dog because he never gets to eat the cakes.

He rotates. But our dog would. What's the name of the dog? Turnspit dog. Yeah, turnspit or turnpike. I think it's turnspit. I think a turnpike's like on a road is a Turnpike. I only know that because of Toad's Turnpike in Super Mario Kart 64 or whatever.

But yeah, I think it's a Turnspit dog. It's not a particularly cute dog. Oh my God. In fact, the description of it on Wikipedia is a long-bodied crooked leg ugly dog. Yes. With a suspicious unhappy look about them. That's a lot of weird claims for Wikipedia to make. Anything that represents us.

All right, we'll get that dog. Then we'll make them breed. And a dachshund. All right, good. So we get a little low to the ground, very sick dogs with bad spine. Yeah. And chuck a Labrador in there as well. I want bad hips.

Do we ever, like Like you know how like If you're a Slytherin You can speak Parseltongue And presumably if you're a Badger people You can speak Badger tongue Yeah yeah yeah Etc etc

Do we have a house animal Is it that dog You can easily understand Everyone else with your mouth full of food That's good That's good. That's good. So that means like our door to the Chamber of Secrets is a big face with food in it that you've got to be like...

And their mouth is like... And then it opens up. But you know the conversation you just had. This dog went... I'm so sorry. But this dog went extinct because everyone was like, it's scum. They didn't even care.

That's how I'm... Fuck this dog. extinct because everyone was like, it's scum. They didn't even care. That's how I'm like. Fuck this dog. If anything represents us, that dog. Yeah, it's ugly and its legs are wrong. That's great. To just decide unilaterally that a dog sucks. We as a species are like, nah, fuck it off. Well, no, like they didn't even notice that it was going extinct

and then didn't care. Hey, what happened to those dogs that we hated? Who cares? Shut up. I'm not concerned. I'm rotating this meat now with my motor. Good. What are we going to keep in our chamber of secrets?

Is it just a way for us to sneak food? So all these dogs and food that we've been sneaking. Yeah. It's got a smell. But probably these dogs and food that we've been sneaking. Yeah. It's got a smell. But probably better than the one that's full of shit. Maybe we can get one of them house elves. Free it for a bit. Or just free it.

And then be like, hey. You've got to look after it. Come to our chamber. You get all the food and dog you ever want. So hang on. Is your plan to free house elves and then to just instantly- Imprison them. Imprison them underground?

Yeah. Or free one to be like, kind of like kick it sweet to our chamber. and then to just instantly imprison them underground. Or free one to be like, kind of like kick it sweet to our chamber. We have a 64 and some bean bags. Can we have a Nintendo 64 in our chamber of secrets? That's all we've got. Dogs, meats, and a Nintendo 64. And little cakes.

Is it... Hey, the PS1 came out a year early in the Harry Potter universe. is it how hey the PS1 came out a year early in the Harry Potter it came out centuries the founding of Hogwarts centuries

canonically it was the first video game console look we've famously touched on this it is my most hated gripe with Harry Potter they got the year

that the PS1 came out it came out a year earlier in the canon of Harry Potter. Yeah, so what if we just grab some house elves and be like, hey, want to kick it? I don't know why you want the house elves down there. Want to kick it sweet?

I don't. I like the house elves. Can we put it to a vote? Yeah, okay, do we not like house elves? I vote keep them in the kitchen. Or free them. It's so funny to just free all. That's very funny.

What if we just lay out some socks for them? Yeah. Oh, wait, then we get no food. But we are freeing them. Well... Oh, no. If we want to sneak food, we need to keep the house elves employed. I feel selfish, though.

But it's so funny to free an entire house elf population of Hogwarts. Absolutely. Hogwarts is going to have to cook for... Why doesn't Hermione just do that instead of starting Spew? She sucks at Spew. She does. In the end, she's like, no, they're happy being enslaved or whatever. Yeah, let's...

Okay, we'll leave. What are we used to? Schoolyard pranks at Hogwarts. Yeah. That's an all right goal. It's better than... That's all wedgies. Yeah.

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Do house elves exist at the founding of? I mean, they exist in terms of the species, but are they being enslaved? I don't know. I would say time would have probably made it better for them and not worse. Yeah, absolutely. They're probably chained up, probably, at the time of the founding. But they're so powerful. How'd they get there? I don't know,

man. Some kind of terrible house elf wizard war occurred and the house elves lost. Hey, here's a crazy thought about house elves. They're a designated kind of elf, which means that there must be other elves. But no one talks about that. Oh, don't elves. They're a designated kind of elf, which means that there must be other elves. But no one talks about that. Oh, don't worry. They're related

to the yumbos. Oh, yes! Tell me about the yumbos. You want to hear about a yombo? Dude, I want to hear about the yumbos. I'm ready to be educated. I'm just going to try and find out where they... when they started becoming

involved. They are spiteful creatures and tend to steal food from humans as revenge for crossing them. They have intrinsic magical powers and can vanish at will. Can you look up Harry Potter elf? Because if you've got house elves, that means you've got other kinds of elves. And in Fantastic Beasts 2, they talk about a half-elf, which is crazy, because

that means a person boinked an elf. Or boinked a house elf, I guess. Yeah. Which, I mean, I get it. It's legal. It's street legal. But it's crazy. Well, yeah, they're related to yumbos, irklings, or imps.

Okay. Hair colour bald. Aw. That's not a hair colour. That's bald. Well, I guess it's like zero. You know. No.

Zero's still a number. Bald isn't a color. Yeah, but it was an elf legislation. Well, there you go. There's a lot going on with house elves. I feel like we've drifted from our original goal, and now we're just trying to free the house elves, which I'm here for, I guess.

Okay. Are you learning about elves, JD? Or yumbo still? No, look, I fell down a dark hole and it turns out that, look, Harry Potter's bad. Yeah. Like I said, the world of Harry Potter is a bad place. Absolutely.

Yeah, elf legislation is there's a law that happened and this was to do with the British Ministry of Magic. But when did Britain come to be? I mean, a while ago. Yeah, but when a while ago? Before the founding of Hogwarts, most certainly. Before we started building our Chamber of Secrets. What's the name of our Chamber of Secrets? Yeah, Chamber of Secrets sounds lame.

Let's call it the Fuck Palace. The Fuck Palace. Yeah! Steal food. Sleep with babes and hunks. Oh, yeah. Dogs. Dogs everywhere. Inbred to shit. steal food sleep with babes and honks oh yeah dogs everywhere inbred to shit

rotting food no bins baby and freeing them house elves oh yeah free the house elves as well I guess so it's sort of like a bit of what you might call a party soundtrack yeah we've basically started a fraternity underground you gotta climb through an oven to get in.

Yeah, climb through an oven. Can we also wear togas, kind of like how the house elves are wearing togas? Of course. So we've got to wear pillowcases, like the house elves are wearing pillowcases. But we are the size of human beings. So we wear togas made of bed sheets.

Yeah, sure. Can we just reenact Animal House? It's what I'm trying to get across. Hey, I'm a zit. Ienact Animal House Is what I'm trying to get across Hey I'm a zit I've seen Animal House They wrecked that parade They really Really fucked that parade up

That's rough They don't think of the consequences of their actions The movie doesn't care about the consequences The parade is wrecked and then it's like We are Animal House Alright so a lot of kegs I want to die down there Raiders racked and they're just like, yep. Whoops. We are Animal House. All right, so a lot of kegs. I want to die down there.

Of course. All of us are going to. Oh, you know, I think it's in one of the black houses, like Sirius Blacks or whatever. Now, they've got the severed heads of the house elves mounted on the wall. May I propose that is in our will for the boys? Oh, I thought you were going to be like, for the freed house. Sorry, not free forever.

Why? You're free for a bit and then your decoration. What if we do that for the dogs as well? Yes. So we just have a wall of dog heads. Dog heads and three idiots. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we just don't shut up.

I was imagining. Oh, yeah yeah do we keep talking like the paintings do because it's still us or whatever maybe there's two paintings on either like one on either wall of the two joels and then there's my skeleton with my head stuck in something lying on the floor and like that's how i died and no one came to help me i like the idea of having our shrunken heads on display and then underneath three portraits of us headless. Yes. That's good. And then a plaque that says we had our heads shrunk,

but we didn't know it would kill us. I can shrink your heads. That's great. We'll all have tiny heads. That'll be so cool. We'll look awesome. And then we got beheaded. We were like, oh, you can't do it while the head's on the body, I guess.

We didn't know this would kill us. I guess you've got to take the head off the body. Three ghosts hanging around this, looking down, being like... It's real funny. Like, you know, you've got nearly headless Nick, or like the headless horseman who walks around holding his head, but it's the size of a regular head. Holding your head where it's the size of a baseball as it goes.

A little plum. Yeah, this was my head. Plopping it onto your body. It falls in. I'd have looked silly. I regret it. I'll level with you. I thought the chicks would have loved it.

Or the hunks or someone. But in hindsight, it just killed me and made me look dumb. Yeah, the kind of partying slowed down when we had our heads shrunk and died. Oh. Yeah. Are you Harry Potter? Can you tell Dumbledore our bodies are down here?

Also, maybe to release the dogs? So many. They're inbred, man. There's a lot of dogs. I don't know if Harry Potter's there. That's like 300 years. 300 years of inbred.

I think they're their own species. Yeah, we call them dogs, but they're not dogs. Because they were a combination of Labradors, turnspeed dogs, and sausage dogs. Labradosage dogs. We just call them Ugmots for short. You can kill them if you... You should kill them, probably.

They develop speech. All they say is, please kill me. You got two choices, Harry Potter. Set this whole place on fire. That's what I'd pick. Or tell Dumbledore about it. Which I would not recommend. He will be mad'd pick. Or tell Dumbledore about it. Which I would not recommend. He will be mad

at us. At you. And these Uggmuts. And the Uggmuts we made. You know Plumbing House? That's us. We instigated a lot of stupid rules, Harry Potter. You know how they don't have a common

room and have to camp out back? Yeah. That's because we lost a bet. That's right. We gambled our common room with Gryffindor. Yeah, you know how Gryffindor has two? Yeah. Yeah, we fucked up.

Yeah, we were like, hey, if we win, we get that sword. If you win, you can have our entire common room. So before even the game finished, they were knocking down the walls. We thought that was a little bit rude. We cooked. Someone put us off our game, but our game was never there. If you put your hand in the hat to pull out our house item, it's just cornflakes and milk.

You just get a wet hand. That's also because of a bat, but not one I remember. I think we won that one. Delicious cornflakes, though, so that's pretty good. The idea of wandering around Hogwarts with the sorting hat turned upside down and just like a big spoon. Om, om, om, om, om.

Thanks, Plum again. Just having the sorting hat on and just like a big spoon. Thanks plumbing. Having the sonic hat on and just like, ah, the time of need and then just milk and cornflakes pours over your face and down your back. I like to think. Oh, it's cold. Oh God.

Oh, it's ice cold. Thank you. Plumbing house. As the hat like inducts you when you're a first year and says plumbing house, it like rockets out over your head plumbing house oh my god yeah good luck sleeping outside i hope you brought a tent and a towel it's wet out there i think our chamber is significantly better our house is also better

than slytherin absolutely yeah we're yeah we're kind of like- We're just the obnoxious idiots. Yeah, absolutely. It's funny because people will join our house and be like, oh, you're children. This is boring. Yeah, that's true. We're like, Snape or whatever is like 10 points from Plumbing House, and we're like, we don't care.

Whatever. Plumbing House starts at a negative 100 anyway. We can be a disruptive zoo. What are you going to do? What are you going to do? Chuck's in the Forbidden Forest? Good. We want to be there. I want to punch a unicorn. The best thing Plumbing House has ever gotten

is back to zero. Don't mind. I hate points. Take them from me. Take them off me. Go on, Snape. I'm going to drink this potion. What's that worth? Negative 50? Good. I'm heading to the Forbidden Forest to suck on a unicorn's horn.

Not a crime. Don't stop me. Oh, Plum House. My head's so little that my whole mouth's going to be so full of that horn. Why are all the paintings of the founders of Plum House have tiny heads? That's weird. They maybe won or lost or had a bad idea. Three very boring, seemingly unrelated to the rest of the plot chapters

in like Harry Potter 3 is Harry Potter learning that mystery. Why do they have small heads? Oh, I found my way into the forbidden chamber. Oh. We did it as a trick, as a bet. And then the plot, Gary. He's pretty serious black. Hey, Helena Hufflepuff, I reckon I can shrink my head and not die.

Okay. All right, you're on. What? Oh, no. So what does Harry in the final books have to find that represents the three of us? No. Yeah, what's our item? What's our item?

What's our... We have to go and tiptoe across all those Ugg mutts. Yeah, absolutely. Sneak into our chamber and grab whatever that is. Our favourite rat. I was thinking of pack of frangers. Oh, yeah. And johnnies. Expired johnnies.

Oh, is it a lock rocks out or not? A box of open condoms with the expiry date well and truly past. Two used, ten still there. Wow, these were largely untouched. If I had to guess, they just used these to masturbate, not make a mess. The gentleman's wank. They were very kind. I like the idea of like

Voldemort goes to cast a killing curse and Harry just puts the condom over his wand. Thank you plumbing boys. But it's expired. Yeah, it just shoots straight through. Puts the condom on Milkenhorn and shoots out and oozes over his wand and hand.

Oh, my God. Us, all three of us, with one big communal bowl, eating Cornflakes. Yeah. You're welcome, Harry. He sees that weird Voldemort fetus wear there, just eating Cornflakes. You got this, boy.

Yeah, we're everywhere. How'd we get here? I'll bet. I'll bet. Or maybe you're thinking about us. So that's a bit weird, isn't it? Anyway, want some cornflakes? I guess we are memorable.

When Harry reaches in to pull out the sword, just grabbing a handful of cornflakes and flinging it in front of him. God damn it. You were thinking about arses, weren't you? Yeah, that's what happens when you think about arses. You reach in. You ever think about noble things for Gryffindor, man? Where the arse at?

Yeah, if you're thinking about a hole and it's on a body, you're getting cornflakes. You're getting cornflakes, dude. You've got to think of chivalry and good deeds. Not cheeks. You're learning, yeah, not cheeks and slamming them. Sorry, dude. Yeah, we should have probably told you.

We get it, we're horny, too. But he got cornflakes in his eyes, so that's pretty good. He's still crying. Quickly, kick him in the shit and take his wand. I guess the milk would have gone sour by now. Solid. How does that happen? The condom over the wand and then just like thick, solid, rotten milk

splitting out with flecks of cornflake. Oh my god. I feel like Voldemort's got a better sense of smell for some reason. No, absolutely. His nostrils are closer to the surface. So he's gonna get a whiff of that sour

milk. Maybe we're heroes. It's hard to cast a killing curse if you're vomiting. Absolutely. Take the first years to the plumbing dungeon. They'll hide out there during the Battle of Hogwarts. Oh my God, we haven't been here in such a long time. Oh my God, that's so many inbred dogs.

Look at all these uggmuts. Jesus Christ. Hey kids, welcome to our house. Take a dog if you want. Please do. Hey Dumbledore, do you know how to send us to heaven? I'm sick of being a ghost. I'd like my eternal reward. Dumbledore just being like, excuse me, students,

and sending us all to hell. I always thought heaven was up, but I guess it's down. I guess it's like space where there is no up. I'm burning! Heaven's hot! I should have packed my shorts! At least you're sending all our Ugmuts with us! They all are destined for hell the moment they're born.

They have original sin. Yeah, if anything's sinned more, it's those UGMAS. Yeah, absolutely. Well, I mean, we've certainly coloured Harry Potter's adventure in Hogwarts. Yeah. In a way, I think none of us quite expected it. Yeah, at least our Chamber of Secrets had a bit of a goal. Yeah, and there was a Nintendo 64 there.

Yeah, absolutely. That's cooler than anything else at Hogwarts. Pretty dusty, but... You blow on that cartridge, it'll be fine. Absolutely. Play Mario Kart, that's pretty fun. Yeah, probably a few of the events wouldn't happen. Like, Sirius might be alive because, you know,

rather than fucking around the Ministry of whatever, Harry Potter's playing Mario 64 or whatever. Maybe none of the books would happen because in book two, Harry Potter finds the Nintendo 64, decides he's going to 100% Mario 64. He's going to get all 120 stars and meet Yoshi. Yeah, absolutely. Get that 99 lives.

He's a Yoshi head, that Harry Potter. I've never seen one. And that's why Voldemort won. Where's Harry Potter? We need him now more than ever. Wahoo! Wahoo! Padden and Ugmutt playing 64.

Let's-a go! Dude, there's not a star in there. We're gathered around watching. Let's do a jump there. Dude, you've got to do a wall jump. You suck. Give me the controller. I can't hold it.

I was bad at it in life. I lied to you, Mr. Pot. We're sorry. Will you ever forgive us? God, I want to go to heaven. Here, it's so warm. Well, yeah, I think we did a pretty good job. I would say the best job.

Yeah, absolutely. Well done. Best job, Plumbing House. Yeah, Plumbing House, you've done it again. Hey, finally we win a year. Ten points to Plumbing House bringing your grand total to negative 153 points. Yes! Yay!

Plumbing House! Let's go suck off that unicorn horn! And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've also been Joel. And we have been Plumbing House. Yeah. And our chamber of fuck or whatever we called it, it was good.

The fuck, Mitch? Who can recall? Yeah, just shut up and eat your cornflakes yeah thanks for listening and if you want to follow us on twitter you can find us at sanspantsradio or you can find us individually I'm at douche13 I'm at olddogthedad and I'm at goddammitzammit

if you want to hear our other shows, you can head to sanspantsradio.com and you'll find all our other content there. There's heaps! And if you want to support us, head to sanspantsplus.com Thank you again for listening, and we'll see you again next time. Goodnight for now. But not forever. Kisses.