Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Market the Mutagen Ooze?

Episode Date: May 15, 2022

I wonder how many of our marketing campaigns are ethically questionable. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

you're listening to the sands pants network home of comedy culture adventures and ghosts hello everyone and welcome to this week's episode of plumbing the death star where we ask the i'm joel i'm jack and i'm also joel and this is the podcast where we ask the important questions like, how would you market the mutagen-oose? Oh, my God. We're back. This episode was actually recorded not as part of the big thing you just heard. Yes, much to everyone's surprise. That intro does not belay that, but hey, here we are.

Letting everyone know that we're still human. Even after close to 500 episodes. Over 500 if you count live shows. We're still bad at it. To err is to human or whatever that saying is. To something else is divine, I forget what. I'm going to struggle with this whole episode. Mutagen ooze. Mutagen ooze.

Mutagen ooze. It's called ooze. I will. Magical ooze. Mystery of the ooze. Secret of the ooze. Secret of the ooze. Teenage Mutagen Ninjaze. Mutagen ooze. It's called ooze. I will. Magical ooze. Mystery of the ooze. Secret of the ooze. That's what I was trying to say. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2.

Yes. So, as we know, a van driving barrels of toxic waste. Great job to get, by the way. That's like top five jobs. Maybe hits a pothole. But an anesthesia that puts the dogs down. I'm pothole Vet but an anesthesiologist That puts the dogs down I'm making up words today

The anesthesiologist? Yeah The anesthesiologist Does not put the dog down Puts the dog to sleep And then the guy that kills the dog Is job number two You think they have two guys

To kill a dog? I've seen them kill a dog That's not the anesthesiologist It's the vet He puts the guy to sleep. Yeah, he puts the dog to sleep. That's the vet. The vet doesn't like that.

You can put the dog to sleep when the vet comes in with a hammer. The vet does the injection, though. Yeah. So where does the anesthesiologist come in? Number one, vet. Number two, vet nurse. Number three, guy that drives toxic ooze around new york city yeah number four garbage man cool job underrated number five president top five jobs no that is true i

like this job where i just drive ooze around the city and then i'm in new york and then i park it back in my driveway oh another big day some slopped out into a drain. Can't wait to drive the U's again tomorrow. I love my job. Top five. It's definitely in the top three at least. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Old mate drives a van full of toxic goo around. Hits a pothole,

I believe. A bit of toxic barrel falls out. Some splashes into some little boy's eyes. Makes him blind, but very good other senses. Okay, I'm making that up. Is that a power of ooze? Who knows?

And then it falls into the sewers where it makes rat a guy and makes turtles guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's kind of like a guy goo. Yeah, it's a kind of a guy goo. It's a blinding guy goo. Now, in terms of our marketing, and this is just going to give you guys a little bit of, I guess, background on what mutagen is, because this is something that I just found out, which is going to be exciting. So the ooze comes from the glands of something called crathotrogons, and the krang milk them to receive the mutagens.

I'm so happy krang's involved. And milking. This is like you wrote it. And the Krang milk them to receive the mutagens. So the Krathor Krogan. I'm so happy Krang's involved. And milking. This is like you wrote it. So the Krathor Krogan look kind of like the worm from Tremors or maybe the giant worm from Dune. And then the Krang, those little brain guys in a big muscly man's stomach, milk them somehow.

I mean, Krang does have little hands. You say somehow. By their teats. Oh, yeah, obviously. Where would a worm have teats? Underneath? Well, if you look at the thing, it's got little bulbs over its side. That's probably... That's bad, because those bulbs look posse.

So by milk, they probably just pop them. A krang pops it and somehow collects it in a bucket? Like a milk patch? Yeah, maybe they suck the kr crane, suck out the ooze, and then spit the ooze in their bucket, and then they give it to the guy who drives it around New York City. How did it end up in New York City? Yeah, what?

Well, hang on. Al's Kitchen in particular. Well, the worms are huge monsters. I was going to say human, and I was like, no, they're not. They can be milked like cows. And they can also be ridden by the crane. monsters. Okay. I was like, no, they're not. They can be milked like cows. Oh, and they can also be ridden by the crane. Like when a human rides an elephant.

How big is crying? I imagine he's like as big as a face. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Like the guts. Yeah. Yeah.

He's like adult face, but he's got the guts. Yeah. That's what I mean. Like, but I wasn't sure if you meant like, Oh, the whole dude.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No. Also these worm things, um, when they are in i think uh-huh they can fly out of there so also they're well they might look like a worm you can do whatever you want yeah well they look like a worm they are actually um a mammal so this is good they've got teats we can milk excellent well we keep that a secret from the public How did that end up in Hell's Kitchen?

Well I believe it was during the invasion The Krang invade with Krang Prime Who is stomping around New York With a tank full of perfected Wait Krang was driving the van? Apparently What? I believe it was maybe different like

Let's just say yes Around New York I love my job Apparently. What? I believe there's maybe different, like... Driving a van around New York. I love my job. I'm Craig. Sloping out of the driver's seat into his house. To perfect it and test it on many humans, since the physical laws of our world are very different from theirs. What does it do to a human if it makes a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turd?

It makes a guy blind. Well, this is another interesting thing that I found out about learning about mutagen. Okay. So, apparently, if interesting thing that I found out about learning about mutagen. Okay. So apparently, if you get touched by mutagen, your DNA mixes with the last living thing or things you have touched, resulting in a mutant hybrid. Cool. This can also sometimes not just be living things. It can also be inanimate objects. Oh.

Okay. All right. Yep. things it can also be inanimate objects oh okay all right yep so had daredevil touched a bat and had the teenage ninja turtles touched a ninja well they learned from splinter who was a rat who learned from uh watching his master so i guess somebody splinter had just touched his dad yeah yeah he got mixed with his own dad yeah some, maybe somebody had been handling the Ninja Turtles and dropped them in a drain. What were the Ninja Turtles doing in a sewer in the first place? You don't put turtles in a sewer, right?

So I'm assuming they were flushed because people thought they were dead. You do. Oh, no, I thought this turtle was dead. You know, I don't want to take it to my aneo-octologist at the vet. I'm going to just chuck it down the drain. Yeah. Vets at work being like, I've done the best job in the goddamn world. How many animals am I killing today?

Perfect. So that's what happens when apparently humans touch it. If an animal comes into contact... They become ninja turtles. Yeah, it can apparently fuse together. Wait, no. If an animal comes in contact with machinery, it can fuse together in its mutation.

Is that how Rocksteady or some shit was made? He's just like a big rhino guy. What's the pig's name? Bebop. Bebop and Rocksteady. They're just guys. They're just guys. Well, reptiles become humanoid hybrids.

Amphibians become humanoid hybrids. Birds become humanoid hybrids. Mammals, become humanoid hybrids. Birds become humanoid hybrids. Mammals, the same thing. But insects and bugs just become bigger. And if you're already a mutant, you also become bigger and more unstable. Big Wolverine! If a vehicle touches it,

it turns from non-sentient into a sentient being. Crankless! Okay. So there's a lot of... sentient being. Crankless. Crankless. Risking it. Okay. So there's a lot of... Such shit there, Neville. Like,

you just got blinded by the ooze when you could've... He could've become like a road man. Yeah. Like, half shirt,

half cat. Oh no. I think a cat was maybe touching an ice cream and then it turned into the ice cream kitty and it looks like

some kind of horrible monster thing. That's awesome. Which I love and adore. Okay, so- It looks like- Look, the best way to describe it is like, imagine if a circumcision went the wrong way and the worst it could go. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Imagine you're half circumciser, half sculptor. And then you're like, you know what this- Well, that job is number six. You know what this botch circumcision- None of us can talk. None of us can.

Botch circumcision needs is little T-Rex arms. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. And a cat face. Forgot about the cat face. Wow. Oh, that's something. So again, there's a lot of benefits you could use. A lot of stuff about the ooze that I think people would want.

I'm first thinking, become your wife. You and your wife hug, we pour the ooze on you, you become one being. Is it painful? We don't say if it's painful. We say it may cause pain. We don't know if it's painful. We say that on the tube. Well, Matt Murdock

is in pain, but it's in his eyes. So you tell him to close their eyes. Put on goggles. Oh no. We don't know if it's painful. We say that on the tube. Well, Matt Murdock is in pain, but it's in his eyes. So you tell him to close their eyes. Put on goggles. Oh, no, you don't morph with your wife. You become goggle guys. Well, you would morph with your wife. You would just become a goggle couple. So you'd be like, you have to get nude first.

Get in the chamber. Take off your pants. Okay? Anything you've got on you. Make sure that the last thing you touch is each other. Yeah, because if you've touched anything else. Don't touch the side of the thing. Do you know the amount of times we've had to cut dudes out of the chamber?

Because people just run their hand the longer that they become half a chamber. A hollow guy. It's not good. It's not good. A chamber that's just made out of flesh. Yeah. Or a guy whose belly is a chamber. That's maybe how they get the dudes.

And then, yeah, we just fuse a guy and his wife together. 50 bucks a pop. Okay, we charge him 50 bucks a pop. Yeah. Good start. And then they just go off and live their lives. What are the benefits of fusing with your wife? Yeah, you tell it to me.

Okay. Hi, we're a your wife? Yeah, you tell it to me. Okay. Hi, we're a married couple. Yeah, hi. And we've seen that you want to fuse us together. I'm just offering. My wife, Joel Zammett. That is... Hey, we've come here just for a consultation.

What are the benefits? Well, I'm just offering. Get off my case. I don't know. Why do you want it? Leave me alone. It's good. Provide the...

Tell me what we're lacking in our relationship and why do we want it? Leave me alone. It's good. Provide me. Tell me what we're lacking in our relationship. I'm already seeing distance between you. You're in two different chairs. You're not even holding hands. It makes me actually sick to my fucking guts. Okay. So the benefits is just like a constant embrace? Do we share consciousness?

Yeah. Maybe. One brain? Hey, are you in a relationship that is suffering from what we in the industry call that seven-year itch? Are you maybe not feeling as close or as intimate to your partner that perhaps previously, like in previous years? Do you want that honeymoon phase to keep continuing? Do you want to look in the mirror and throw up? Do you want to look in the mirror and be reminded of your beautiful loved one every single day as well as yourself?

Well, do we have the solution for you? Well, here's the interesting thing, because they don't become like a mass of flesh, do they? No. It seems like they would kind of become one being. No, they wouldn't. Each one would kind of become a little bit like the othery. Because they don't, like, it's not, you if with when say with the mutagen yeah like the the turtles they're not holding a dude yeah that's a good point they just get like doused in the ooze and they become a guy

so you just so you would be holding hands and then you would kind of look like say so douche would look a little bit like me and i would look a little bit like douchey would take the traits on of each other yeah no we become hand guys yeah that is the risk yeah i guess that's maybe not as good then if you're not fused together into one being yeah sorry so i think it's only fusing i think if it's a machinery okay what about let's okay another avenue of revenue. Dog fighting at the moment. Dog fighting at the moment. Is morally reprehensible. None of us are denying that. You're on a thin edge. It's because the dogs

don't know what they're doing. They're forced into it. Now what if you could make a dog a guy? Then the dog fighting would become more ethical. Sure, I like listening to D&D is for Nerds, the podcast I am currently listening to, or not, and maybe you should check it out on Spotify or whatever, but I hate using my stupid ears when I could instead be using my fabulous eyes.

Well, thank my lucky stars, those fucking maniacs went and wrote a book adapting the Atticus campaign, the one with the airship and unhinged gnome. Just head to sanspantsradio.com slash shop and click on the merchandise button. It was limited run and stocks are getting thin. So why get talked at when you could use your own inner dialogue and read an adventure. Once again, that's sandspantsradio.com slash shop and grab your copy of the Auticus today. Okay. Boxing.

Okay, so the problem is that dogs also can't consent to the ooze. So the dog fighting issue of being like... We leave the ooze out. In like a park. So if the dogs lick it. Dogs love to roll around in foreign substances that usually smell a little bad. We're waiting with our lab coats on the edge of the park. We see a dog rolling.

We're like, oh, no. Oh, no. It wanted a dog. It wasn't our choice. We didn't say that it should do that. We, you know, maybe put some, I don't know, like dogs love to roll around in cow shit. Yeah, we just mixed it with cow shit. Oh, your dog's a cow shit dog.

Well, now the owner doesn't want it anymore. Well, it's okay to dog fight now. No, it's a shit dog. It doesn't become a guy. It becomes a cow shit dog. Fuck. Fuck. Now I've just made this loathsome, stinky dog. Fuck. Fuck. Now I've just made this loathsome, stinky

dog. Well, I don't want my dog anymore. You have it. I loved this dog until five seconds ago. Now I could not think of something on Earth I hate more. Well, in terms of again, you can't consent. A dog cannot give consent to fight another dog slash to take the ooze.

But also at the same time, No one is here on, well, maybe two people in this podcast are not pro dog fighting. I want to make that very clear. I don't think dogs should fight unless the dogs want to fight. That is out of my hand.

But if two dogs meet in the street, they might fight. Is it your responsibility to stop that? Or are you just like, nope, they both wanted this. That's scary to stop two dogs meet in the street, they might fight. Is it your responsibility to stop that? Or are you just like, nope, they both wanted this. That's scary to stop two dogs fighting. Yeah. Yeah. But you should.

Be brave. It's also scary to save a baby from a burning building. You should still do it. I guess. I mean, what's the baby done, really? You've done heaps. You almost saved the baby from that building. What have you done?

What have I achieved? Hang on. He contemplated saving that baby. Yeah, he noticed the baby was stuck. Actually, Jackson doesn't need to worry about it. He walks past a burning building and doesn't even notice it's a fire. There's no moral. I hear the baby crying.

I'm like, is that how fire sounds? and doesn't even notice it's a fly. There's no moral. I hear the baby crying. I'm like, is that how fire sounds? So again, because we're not trying to, we're marketing the ooze for perhaps the dog owners. Yes.

So again, it's less about, and so when it comes to, again, what the dog wants, because again, the dog isn't consenting to being fed chum. Or being a pet in general. So therefore, there has to be some ownership and responsibility to the owner because they're basically controlling the lines. I own two cats. I mean, if it's up to them, they would love to bolt out the back door.

One of them does not. One of them would love to bolt out the back door. And never come home. The other day, I forgot to latch the wire the fly screen door. I looked over, she'd opened it, and she was sniffing some of the bricks in the backyard. I was like, oh, hang on a second here.

Picked her up and put her inside. I guess if we make someone's dog a guy, then the dog, he's got more freedoms. He can leave the guy. Well, the thing is, what about in the movie The Fly? The thing that happens there is that Jeff Goldblum becomes a fly and then wants to kill

himself. Risk of the then wants to kill himself. Yeah. Risk of the dog wanting to do that. Yeah, that's true. I'm an elephant man. I'm not a human being, except I'm a dog. I'm a dog being. So you could be like, are you? I'm not a monster. I'm a human being.

Actually, you're a dog. Yes. Well, not once do we see the Ninja Turtles or Bebop or Rocksteady have an existential crisis. Oh, yeah, actually, the Ninja Turtles thinks it's unreal. Yeah, they love it. It must feel good. Calabunga. Buy some pizza, steal some pizza.

They pay for that pizza. Where do they get the money from? No, the pizza delivery guy drops it off down a drain and he's like, today's weird. And then he heads home or whatever. Who's paying for it? Splinter's got some cash. Robin Banks at night, I guess. He's a rat, he can squeeze

into small spaces. Yeah, people drop change all the time. That's probably sewer change. It's depressing to imagine the Ninja Turtles paying with like sewer nickels and dimes. It's gotta be, right? They live a sad life. I'm not happy for the Ninja Turtles. I just can't imagine eating pizza in a room

that smells exclusively of human shit. Nobody talks about that, but the happy for the Ninja Turtles. I just can't imagine eating pizza in a room that smells exclusively of human shit. Nobody talks about that, but the smell of the Ninja Turtles dojo must be abhorrent, really, mustn't it? Yeah, it's straight up raw cereal. Yeah, yeah, and plus turtle smell. Turtles have a weird smell. Turtles do, yeah, that's not me telling a joke. Turtles stink. Do they?

April O'Neil is fucked up. Have you ever held a turtle? It's gross They feel terrible Anyway So again it's a problem The whole thing is trying to find problems For the general consumer to try to address

So we could be like Hey do you wish that your dog Could talk to you? Well with our patented mutant genoose, it can. With simply dousing your pooch or cat or bird or reptile into this ooze bath, we can turn it into a guy and you can have a lovely conversation. Do you think that we would get a lot of backlash when the dogs are like, I know I'm your pet, that's fucked up?

Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah but you can we attend you until guys so you can choose if you want to be my pet otherwise you can leave what job can i do i mean if there's a lot of you circus freak freak on the news barista um street performer in brackets freak driving around toxic ooze in New York as a freak. One of the top five jobs. Late night TV show host of a freak show. Yeah. Vet, but vet for freaks.

President of freaks. What? The Ninja Turtles are also a thing. I'd be like, well, the Ninja Turtles are a fighting crime. It could be a Ninja Turtle. The dog would be like, I've been a poodle for the last... They were turtles. Yeah. You think turtles could have an easier time fighting crime been a poodle for the last they were turtles yeah you think turtles could have an easier time fighting crime than a poodle you idiot you can bite yeah also i think

there's going to be a bit of a learning curve because even though they get sentience like you there's going to be like oh yeah do they have the brain of a baby well well the teenage mutant ninja turtles are teenage mutant ninja turtles yeah but don't they turn into guys and then slowly grow up? Yeah. Well, how long does a dog live? But also, the turtles are babies when they get turned into guys. How long does a dog live? What?

12 to... Well, it depends on where you get the dog. It depends on the size of the dog. Small dogs live longer. When does a dog a baby? When it's a puppy. What do you think? So like for a year?

Yeah. So when can you call a dog a teenage mutant ninja dog? I reckon four months. And you've taught it ninjutsu. Yeah. Otherwise it's just a teenage mutant dog. Yeah. I'm assuming that the ooze would maybe extend people's lives

as well I mean if it doesn't we're getting a lot of flack and sued but if we just wait it out you can't sue when you're dead so yeah I guess if you have your loved ones

wrongful death it happens all the time it might be a learning curve of like teaching like your new dog man um basic things like because again it's like yeah i'm a dog man yay but you're like okay so now you're gonna die in eight years uh well that's i wouldn't know what that uh i'd be more like all right so if you want something you don't have to constantly bark at me just ask yeah but where do they still. Would they be like, hey, hey, give me. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

And you're like, what? Hey, hey. You have to tell me what you want. Help, help, help, help. What? You seem fine to me. Help, help. And then you run out the front of the house.

What does he want? What's he doing? He's chasing a car. He's gotten hit. Why did he need my help to chase the car? Help! Help! What do they do? If Splinter is any... Barking probably is just help.

Yeah. So I'm just trying to think, because Splinter got turned... What? What? What? What? What? What? What? Help! Help! Help! What? What? What? You hungry? Yeah. What do you want?

Meat. Meat. Wet. Wet meat. Wet meat. Wet meat. Wet meat. We've been here before, boys. This is the danger of letting a dog talk.

But also how annoying you give your dog, he's like, help, help, food. And you give him food and then he eats the food and he's like, food. And you're like, cunt. You just ate. Hungry. No, you're not. You're bored. Go outside.

Annoying thing with dogs and man, gotta give him a real bed. Don't have a bedroom in your house? What you gonna do? Have a problem with a dog? He can steal your keys and drive your car. Bye! Bye!

Bye! Where you going? Grabs the keys. Oh, shit. Oh, no. No! No! Bad dog.

What? God damn it. McDonald's. He's going to go get McDonald's. Cooked meat. He doesn't know how to drive. He doesn't know where McDonald's is. Ah, fuck.

He doesn't know how to park a car. Cooked meat. Cooked meat. Hot. There's a guy in the car. He just kept careening as the dog man jumped out. It's got scraped knees. He doesn't know what's going on.

Hi, welcome to McDonald's. How can I take your order? Meat! Meat! Meat! Meat! Oh, my God. You're one of those dog men.

Help! This keeps happening. Help! Meat! Hot! Hot meat! Help! What?

Just chucks a whole bunch of sewer coins on the counter. Meat! Meat! How did he get sewer coins? What's happening? Help! You're not in danger! Meat! Meat! What?

Just slowly closing the door or the window. Scratching at the bricks. Let me in! Let me in! In! In! Scared! Scared! Scared! Scared! Scared! Scared! Scared! Scared! Me hungry! And he just runs off.

I don't know what he wanted. Me? While he was here. What about this? Speaking of cars. Yeah. Okay, so a dog is tricky because it's alive. Yeah.

And can't consent. Who can consent? A car? No. A person. Yeah. Okay? Some people love their cars a lot.

Maybe some people would like to be their cars. I would be. Hey, is your favourite cartoon or maybe Michael Bay film, I was going to say Teenage Mutant Transformers, but the Transformers franchise. Well, did you want to be

everyone's fan favourite Optimus Prime or maybe even Goldbug Bumblebee Get in your car Bumblebee, Optimus Prime Hot Rod, Rodimus Prime Galvatron

Blue Darcey Darcey is a guy Yes, he's the plane Astro Train maybe Megaplex Megaplein Starscream is a guy. Yes, he's the plane. Astro train, maybe. He could be one. Megaplex.

Megaplane. Omnicron. Omnicron. Become planet Earth. Omnicron. Earth is a guy. Again. It's great to imagine somebody watching this late night ad and being like, it's still going. I don't even know what they're advertising.

It's your favorite Transformers. Optimus Prime. Dino bots. What is it? Oh, wait. You can't become those dinosaurs aren't real. I mean, alive. Why is my remote not working?

What if you oozed with a dino bone? You could become a dino guy. No, you become a guy who is half dino bone. You have a bone. I imagine you just become a guy unicorn, but the unicorn horn is just a bone you're holding. Oh, you're holding. You drop the bone and you're fine.

But some people love their cars enough that maybe they'd want to be their cars, like in Disney Pixar's Cars. And then they just drink the ooze and they hold the car. They fuse together. I saw a movie where a lady fucked a car and then gave birth to a car baby? Is that...

Titan? Titan, yeah. What about... Okay. That's if... I think that's like if an animal can fuse. Apparently, there's been a cockroach Terminator type thing. Okay.

What? So that's something. What is it? What does a guy with the characteristics of a car look like? Because that's what we'd make. Well, okay, so in the movie, and I was about to say, but no one fucking cares. The baby that's a car is just mostly a baby,

except it's got like engine shit sticking out of it, and it's like metal. Yeah, but that's not how like when the Ninja Turtle becomes a guy. But that's getting impregnated by a car. Yeah, that's a whole different kettle of fish. This is about taking in the characteristics in a reasonable way. Would you get wheels for feet? Would you just become made of metal?

Yeah. Imagine if gods just have a door now. Open the car door. There is that cartoon back in the 80s, I think, where a guy. Transformers already been through it. No, no, no. A guy turns into a car, like a man turns into a car. And it's an interesting transformation scene.

I highly recommend everyone watching. It's very grotesque. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So imagine halfway. Oh, no. So I think your teeth would be like the grills. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And your hands and feet would be wheels splayed out on either side of you.

Eyes, headlights, you can see. Oh, Turbo Teen. Turbo Teen. That's the one. Is that something people would want? Freaks would want it. Yeah, because it needs to be functional. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I think, yeah, you would sort of have, because you'd have to have like, it'd be like when, say, your favorite Transformer, Hot Rod, who is also a car when he transforms, but a robot man. It'd be like that. So, but like the, you'd be the transformed version, as in like, he's like the robot version. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The man part of you. That's pretty good. The human part of you would be like, I can walk around but then you'd have like, tyres on your knees and elbows.

Or if you needed to transform you could. But you couldn't transform. No. Because that's not part of it. Unless, no, because you can't. No, because that's not what a car can do. So you'd have maybe like the exhaust pipes or whatever, or the piping kind of coming at your back, kind of looking like angel-y wings.

You'd look cool but your life would be bad. I don't know if cool. I just checked out his episode briefly to watch the intro of Turbo Team. It's good, isn't it? That is not a good thing to look at. His origin is basically what we're pitching. He literally avoids a tree falling down on a road, swerves into a factory and gets shot by a beam

that they're testing at the same time accidentally. So he just swapped a beam with goo. That rolls. That, but we're selling it. People are buying it willingly. He's confused because his car's gone at first.

Oh, I am my car. But then he looks at his hands and his hands turn into tires. And his face stretches it's the best bit the face stretches the last bit I think his spine

stretching and then he's like oh no so wheels happen and then stuff starts pouring out of his chest which becomes like the front chassis

okay how about this I reckon that's good I'm actually on board now that looks sick yeah yeah yeah hey babe I'm just gonna come pick you up

for the date get in me again that's not what what'm actually on board now. That looks sick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, babe, I'm just going to come pick you up for the date. Get in me. What happens if you turn back into a guy while someone's in you? You get like a guy in you. I guess they die and you also die. They die, you absorb them, get stronger. Get their powers. Perfect crime.

Murderous. You can't actually take a car to jail. You can crush one into a cube. Nobody knows crime, though. you can't actually take a car to jail but you can crush one into a cube nobody nobody know crime though so I guess I'm missing just a lot of missing people last seen getting into a fancy car imagine this like you're like the guy who works at the car crushing place at the dump

or whatever and you as a car man have fallen asleep on the street and I'm like well let's dump it and then as we're lowering you into the crushing thing, you become a guy halfway down. What would I do? Well, I'd fall because... Yeah, you're not hooked on to the garbage.

I think I'd still crush you. That's going to be easier for me. It's easy to explain. Surely you'd be like, oh, I'll hit that emergency stop button in three, two... Because you have to die first because i don't know what you want i think it's best if i just pretend i didn't see what i just saw yeah this car was a guy and now he's dead so it's not my problem you're seeing me and seeing the situation i'm in become a car again

and i'm like must have been my imagination and crush you yeah and then yeah yeah yeah the screaming would be bad. No, it didn't happen. That's just air escaping a car. That's gases. It's the horn. That's the horn. People don't know about the horn.

It sounds like a scream. That would be great. Get out of the way. I hate this traffic useful people should put that in cards yeah so what about the what horn what what what the dog horn help in terms of maybe trying to sell this, it's kind of like, okay, are you perhaps frail? Do you perhaps have some health issues? Do you have some injuries?

Do you have something where your gross, fleshy meat body is falling apart? Well, do we have the solution for you? Merge with this here car and become part cyborg, and you can take on the characteristics of being a metal man and your heart won't give out in brackets or little exclamation marks may not turn your heart into a metal heart may actually give you headlight eyes if you are a car man with a regular heart you you will die outcomes may vary good luck uh what if we okay so I like the idea of so the car guy

I think it's the best idea so far okay but like what if we just started offering it as like yeah to make people like frail people more healthy

start fusing them with really tough meat yeah oh okay what if we get like a really strong guy and we're like this is

a buck fuck strong or whatever strongest man in the world you get the characteristics of the last thing you touch so is a buck fuck strong or whatever. Strongest man in the world. You get the characteristics of the last thing you touch. So you touch buck fuck strong. Yeah. Then you drink Nexamoose. See what happens.

Get strong. Yeah, buck fuck strong. Get buck fuck strong strong. Do you want to be buck fuck fuck strong? Yeah. Are you strong but- Are you buck fuck fuck buck fuck strong right now? Are you fucked by buck fuck? Are you strong but fuck fuck fuck strong right now my buck fuck are you strong

but not buck fuck strong strong well do we have the solution for you fuck simply touch fuck buck strong this is the fucking strongest buck fuck strong we've ever fucking buck fucked okay come fucking fucking touch our buck fuck Become buck fuck strong You wink you're strong now You're buck fuck strong fuck strong Come down here and Fuck fuck buck fuck strong And then

Strong to fuck fuck To fuck struck bong Call 1-800-FUCK-BUCK-FUCK Strong strong buck fuck fuck strong Buck strong fuck The ooze has seriously damaged our brain by our exposure to it. 1-800-FUCK-FUCK-STRONG to be as strong as fuck, fuck, strong. Yeah.

Then he picks me up and tears me off like a phone book to show off how strong he is. Wow! That's fuck, fuck, strong. Strong. I'm fucked. He's strong. I get fucked up by fuck, fucked up, fuck, fuck, fuck, strong. Strong. I'm fucked. He's strong. I get fucked up by Buck fucked up. Buck fuck strong.

Right now. Call the number at the bottom of the screen. I'm bleeding out. 1-800-BUCK-FUCK-STRONG-FUCK. Yeah, don't worry. I touched some kind of, I don't know, fucking rubber thing before I drank the oost. Buck fuck strong can just fuck me up. Don't worry, everybody.

I've touched a worm and the Joel's assured me that a worm can fuse back together. I'll make two worms if it gets torn in half. So any second now, I feel faint. We lied to him. Call this number. We're not lying to you. Come down to our factory in this warehouse.

We used up all our lies on this guy. So we've got to tell you the truth. So come down here and touch Fuck Buck Strong to get Fuck Buck Strong strong. I think that's a pretty perfect way to- I think that's an incredible way to use the ooze. To utilize the ooze. I reckon that pretty much nailed it.

Yeah, so I think that Look Marketing the ooze Is gonna be hard But I guess Yeah like If you use it to like Literally just be like

Hey you can live a better life Yeah Maybe Well is there anybody Who's gonna pay us To dump it in the water supply Well then what would happen Is we would make it like

Fish men Yeah yeah yeah Or like if people are drinking it And they're wearing pants We could pants men Or whatever Toothbrush ladies You know whatever well i guess like i um well really uh we're just kind of doing krang's dirty work yeah yeah yeah you pay it in like krang box or whatever

krang's very own cryptocurrency because krang the whole thing is they want to it's decentralized he says i forgot so if he wants to just kind of like you know experiment on humans and everything in our dimension and we're just like we'll do it for some sneaky crying bucks yeah it's about marketing and more just kind of putting in the water supply seeing what kind of guys we will see what happens but that's not really a marketing that's a science is that terrorism or eco-terrorism it's's eco-terrorism. It's eco-terrorism we're doing. It's crime and terrorism. Well, no, but you're right, because it's destroying the environment,

but it's intentionally destroying the environment to hopefully destroy the guys. It's both, I think. It's a rare two-factor. Definitely a crime against humanity. Yeah. And more. Crimes against everyone. Yeah.

I think you'd go down as maybe the biggest monsters. It's cool to imagine us stopping again. We wouldn't be the biggest monsters. We wouldn't be the biggest monsters. We're the fish guys. No, no. Whale man. He's the biggest monster.

We're watching the river as big muscly fish men come out and beat the shit out of us. Imagine that's how street sharks happen. Oh, they hated that this happened to them. They liked being just fish, I guess. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now we're given the ability to come out of the sea and beat the shit out of us. And wear rollerblades for some odd reason.

I think you're saying wear wearing rollerblades. No, no, no. I roll in. And then I come out and I'm like, I got the characteristics of a rollerblade. It is a big boot. Big boot with a face on the side. I don't know how I'm going to live a normal life if I'm honest with you.

You probably won't. I reckon, yeah, you're pretty fucked. Yeah, I think you might be right. What happens if you, like, can you get oozed twice? Well, yeah, then you get big, yeah. Oh, yeah, because you're already a mute. So what, are you imagining rolling me back in? Like, oh, yeah.

You're actually just making it more difficult for me. Now you can't fit on the train. Yeah, that is what I was worried about. I'm rolling out as a big... Huge. You're actually just making it more difficult for me. Now you can't fit on the train. Yeah. That is what I was worried about. I'm rolling out as a big fucking rollerblade. Boys, how am I going to get on the train now? At least your wife can live with you. I think you have more worries, actually, Jackson, than just that.

You know the old lady who lived in a boat or whatever? Old lady who lived in a rollerblade that was her husband. Your life's actually going to be excellent now. Oh, okay. Cheers. So I think there's definitely something in the idea of like, hey, we can improve you, make you better, make you stronger by fusing you with some kind of anything you recently touched. Because again, you could also be like, because it is just any human that touches anything.

So it could just be like, you want to learn how to fly? Hey, you touch this bird, and now you become a bird man. Touch this drone, someone else could make you fly. Yeah. Is it the same with plane? Because if you touch a plane, planes can't fly by themselves. If you touch a plane, you would get a cockpit for a head. And then if you made a guy touch, like say a rat, he would

become the size of a rat and then he could fly you. Get in! Open my mouth, rat climbs, like crawls in. That's bad. Rat crawls in, grabs your fleshy controls. It's reverse Ratatouille. Well, no, it's- It's Ratatouille with more body horror. It's Ratatouille in Inside Out. Sort of an internal Ratatouille with more body horror. It's Ratatouille and Inside Out. Sort of an internal Ratatouille. That would be, imagine if that's how they pitched the movie originally.

Like the rat will just climb in his mouth and control his brain. It's not really Inside Out. It's more like, I guess, even Galleon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're basically being a rat in a pod suit. That's fun. And then, because like, do you, is one of the other like, do you... Get in the douche, Shinji! I like that it doesn't seem like you have the ability to fly,

so I imagine the rat getting in your head and you just running away. Gotta get some cheese! Slamming into a wall, trying to get in. Oh, it doesn't realise how big... Wait, did we get the rat that was a guy Or the guy that was a rat Or was it just a rat We just put a rat in the douche Oh shit

Boys Because you're still alive Not in charge Oh fuck We've given the rats too much power You're going to find enemy rats and just scratch them with your fists. I'm going to the rat king, boys!

I'm gonna take it down! I don't want this! I've become a weapon of mass destruction for a rat war! Is the rat speaking through him? What's the rat's plan here? Destroy! How do we get the rat speaking through him? What's the rat's plan here? Destroy! How do we get the rat out of him?

I don't know! I'm so scared! Leave me alone! You're going to tear your own head off and save your life. I'm going to tear my own head off to save my life. Get out of the way! Oh, he died. The rat's still controlling his head. It's the worst way to kill a man.

The rat's still controlling his head. It's just rolling around like a hamster ball. That's good. Still going for the rat king. I think there's definitely, you could market it for people who want to experience a new and exciting life. Yeah. Hey, are you 45 and your life sucks shit and every waking moment is boring?

Fuck it up! Yeah, fuck it up. Do you want to, hey, look, do you want to be half a cat man? Well, we got you covered. Exactly. Do you want to experience life as maybe, I don't know, combining maybe you and a chair? Yeah.

Be sat on. Be sat on. Oh, no. Comfortable. Horny. Horny. Yeah, now we're falling into the dangerous territory of people doing this for fucking Touch a penis, gain the ability to ejaculate at the top of your head.

Ah, dickhead. Ejaculate your own brain. Jackson, I have that ability. Never mind, I don't have that ability. I pull down my face like a force tip. No, that's good. Oh, yes. Hey, Dusha, I like your new rat body.

Check this out. It feels awesome. It's amazing. It doesn't do much. Your brain half comes out. Oh, it's bad when my brain comes out. I'm going to ejaculate all my guts. Actually, it hurts, but it feels so good.

Now I'm tired. It would be like just the fluid around your brain? Yeah, like brain fluid on top of your skull. Yeah. I forgot about that. A monster. Or just get like giant testes on your chest.

Yeah, get like nut tits. Yeah, yeah. Check out my nut tits, fellas. I got nut tits, I guess.

That's cool. That's sick. That's scary. Nut tits, a horse skin face, everything's coming off Jackson. Yeah, but you're sleeping. I can't sleep on my back. I can't wear a tight t-shirt.

How do you market? Sex toys are expensive. Literally, you just take a photo of me, and then- You want this? There's a number. But then I guess you could bring it back to you and your wife. Make her a vagina woman. Yeah. And his head butt.

Oh, yeah. Hey, hey. Has kissing lacked its luster? Do you find that making out with your loved one is not as good as it used to be? Do you sometimes, like, when you are kissing, be like, I wish I had brushed my teeth. Wow. Do we have the solution for you?

Fuck with your heads. Fuck with your heads. Fuck with your heads. Put your heads together. It'll feel awesome or bad. You can't breathe, but that's sick. Holding your breath when you cum is good. It's like, well, you can breathe, but the scent is strange and musky. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But people are planes now, so the rules are basically gone. People are planes now. There's no are basically gone. People are planes now. There's no rules. Fuck your wife with your head. All bats, they're off. With our patented mutant genus, you only get one because if you touch it again, you just become a worse or bigger version of what it is. So you've got to choose wisely because this will happen to you.

So do you want to be a bird man, a plane guy, a genital-based person? Well, the options are yours. Do you want to be a bird man, a plane guy, a genital-based person? Well, the options are yours. Do you want to be? And random. Yeah, very random. Maybe you want to be very own fuck Buckstrong. These are your choices. We've got that as an option.

A beautiful idyllic image of Joel Zammett as a car driving past is me, a gigantic penis with two legs, walks walking my dog that is a man, and in the sky a doucha plane piloted and full of rats flies through the beautiful morning sky this is the advertisement and then it says buy mutant should ooze all bets are off exactly it's gonna happen to you one way or the other this way you kind of get a choice might as well lean in i reckon that's probably the best way we're going to market this.

Yeah, I think so. I'm imagining with the All Bets Are Off it comes over a rainbow. Of course. Nice, beautiful music. Yeah, oh, it's gorgeous. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've been Joel. Bye-ahoos. All bets are off.

See what happens. Was this episode good? We were rested before we did this one. Let us know. off. Yeah, all bets are off. See what happens. Was this episode good? We were rested before we did this one. Let us know. Yeah. Yeah. Do you miss the episodes where we'd ask the important questions like, hey, what do you think is going to happen in upcoming film? And the companion episodes where we ask the important questions like, hey, what do you think is going to happen in upcoming film? And the companion episodes where we ask the important questions like,

hey, what do you think about that film we just saw? Well, do I have some great news. We went and made a whole show that is just that, baseless speculation, where we baselessly speculate in upcoming films, TV shows, games, and more with as little research as possible so you don't have to. Just search for Baseless Speculation on iTunes, Spotify

or wherever else you get your podcasts from and join myself and these two knuckle fucks as we celebrate the death of cinema the only way we know how by making wild claims film studios would be too afraid or too stupid to do and then get shocked when we're right. Once again, that's Baseless speculation available on iTunes, Spotify

or wherever else you dickheads get a podcast from.