Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Market the Neuralyzer from Men in Black 1 to 3?

Episode Date: February 18, 2024

It's that time again where the marketing geniueses that are Plumbing the Death Star have to spin their wheels to sell a fictional product! This time they've gotten their grubby little hands on Men in Black's infamous neuralyzer. Sure it can wipe minds and probably shouldn't be used by anyone let alone the general public but let's see how they do! JD wants to speedrun therapy, Zammit forgets we can't talk to cats and Jackson spends too much time getting his mind wiped. After listening to this, you should go and listen to every episode of Plumbing the Death Star. Again. For the first time (please note, for anyone under 30 this is a reference to that MiB commercial I vaguely remember).Links to everything in our linktr.ee including our terrible merch, social media garbage and where to become a subscriber to Bad Brain Boys+ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ahem. You're listening to the Sandspants Network. Hey everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star. It's a comedy pop culture podcast that asks the important questions. I'm Joel. I'm Jackson. And I'm also Joel. And the important question we're asking this week is,

how would you market the Neuralizer from Men in Black. One to three. It's not in International Waters or whatever the fourth one is. Oh, yeah, fuck. And MIB International. And also the cartoon series, I think. Animated series. That's kind of a really cool opening theme. Did it? Yeah, do you remember driving in the car?

I never saw it. Have you ever watched it? No. I watched the Hercules cartoon. Yeah? Was that good? Wait, was the series or the movie? I'm thinking of the Aladdin cartoon.

Anyway. So you didn't watch the Hercules animated series? I don't know if there was one. There was. Did you watch it? the Hercules animated series? I don't know if there was one. There was. Did you watch it? I could have done. Are you sure you're thinking of the Aladdin series and you're not thinking of one of the two or three movies that followed the first one?

I don't know about the Aladdin game. I don't know, man. The Aladdin game is hard as shit. I know. Fuck those elephants. What are we doing here? Well, you're saying. Here's what we're doing.

You made a claim. You're saying things. I didn't even apply any pressure. And then you crumbled and then got confused. You did crumble, dude. I did crumble. So the Neuralizer. It's a little cheeky device.

You press a button on it. It's the size of a pen. The size of a pen. Exactly. It looks just like a pen. If you want to get that pen behind you that says Wiener, for a little demonstration, the Wiener pen. So fun thing about this pen, listeners of of the podcast you can't see it this pen was purchased from the opera

theater in which uh mission impossible five is filmed okay i think it's five that was fun dude that was so fun dude this pen that was like the movies. This pens from the movies. It's like riding a roller coaster hearing that anecdote. Yeah, the way, the confusing of like we ended with five felt like there was more. Yeah. But then you stopped. Well, yeah, it's because I couldn't remember if it was four or five. I'm pretty sure it's five. Okay.

Whichever one Tom Cruise shoots a sniper at the fucking opera. All right. He hates the opera. He hates the opera. Anyway, so it's about the size and shape of this pet. Yeah. And what it does is it erases Do you get to pick how long it erases?

You get to pick what they forget. Oh, okay. How do you do that? How do you program that into the... You talk to them about it. Oh, that's right. You press a button. You say, hey, you forgot this, you forgot this, but you remember this, you remember this. Hey, you were actually out here because you were jacking your dick off. You weren't out. You say, hey, you forgot this. You forgot this. But you remember this. You remember this. Hey, you were actually out here because you were jacking your dick off.

You weren't out here because you were chasing an alien. Yeah, exactly. Aliens aren't real. You love to jack your dick off. You do it maybe three, four, five times a day. Yeah. Maybe seven. Seven, eight times.

Like ten times a day. You jack your dick off until your pussy or your dick feels really sore. Yeah, yeah. But that's satisfying to you. You actually get off on that. You love that. And you didn't see. Most importantly, you didn't see an sore. Yeah, yeah. But that's satisfying to you. You actually get off on that. You love that. And you didn't see, most importantly,

you didn't see an alien. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 12, 13, you actually quit your job recently because you can't stop jacking off your dick as a pussy. Yeah, yeah.

Okay, okay. And then you press it again and it goes pew, pew. And then everything that you just said, you basically rewrite it. And you can neuralize it and you can rewrite them. And you can neutralize it by wearing sunglasses.

Yes, that's true. Which is why they put sunglasses on. So if you're neutralizing a whole crowd, you've got to make sure there's no sunglasses in there. First you say, hey, ban on sunglasses. Sunglasses off. Bring them here. They enter in a trance.

What's going on? They're very suggestible. Hey, you jack your dick off 15 to 16 times a day. 16, 17, 18, enter in a trance and they're like, what's going on? Then you can be like, hey. They're very suggestible. Yeah, hey, you jack your dick off 15 to 16 times a day. 16, 17, 18 times a day. Maybe 20 to 25 times a day. 25 times a day. You don't wipe your ass when you shit. More than once an hour.

What? Yeah, you don't know what shitting is. That's going to surprise you. We should not have this bad. We come back to Madam Black headquarters and they're like, hey, keep coming to surprise you. We should not have this bad. We come back to the Men in Black headquarters and they're like, hey, keep coming to my office. Hey, we just got reports from Arkansas that everyone stopped. Like, toilet paper sales are way down.

It's because everyone stopped wiping their ass. But everyone's also quit their jobs to jack off their dick and or pussy 45 to 50 times a day. And it's causing an increase in hospital admissions, but there's no doctors because they're also jacking off the deal. I'm going to give you a compliment sandwich. Okay, well done. They no longer think they saw a UFO.

That's a compliment. You've destroyed the entire town of Arkansas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I don't have, it's open. It's an open sandwich. I don't know what I'm going to call it. It's fucking closed. Like you guys.

You're out. It could be like the sales of certain creams have gone up. Yeah, thank God we have a cream that we back-engineered from alien technology that soothes a penis or pussy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Soothe them chafing. Anyway, so so marketing this, there's a lot of uses, I guess,

for mind control, really. It is effectively. Mind wipe and mind control. Yeah, yeah. But I think the easiest sell for this is, hey, come to Joel Dush's therapy office. Got trauma? No, you don't.

Okay. So they come to you, they tell you their trauma. And then I pull out the pen. So obviously I'm like yeah it's like a regular therapy session

where you get to know them and maybe it would even just be a couple of sessions before the neutralizer comes out can we do it I'll tell okay

so my trauma is I was part of a dog sled you know like a sort of like an idea rod and we went in front of a train and we went in front of a train

at such an angle that all of the dogs got gone but I didn't it's fucked me up okay and I didn't even win and we went in front of a train and we went in front of a train at such an angle that all of the dogs got got. Yeah. But I didn't. It's fucked me up. Okay. And I didn't even win

the idea to ride. Okay, that's fair. What are you going to do? Hey, so if you just look at this pen. Okay. So you've actually never seen a dog die.

That's awesome. And when you think about dogs and sledding, it still, it excites you. Okay. It brings you joy in your life. I'm going to get back into. Yeah, you think about dogs and sledding, it excites you. It brings you joy in your life. I'm going to get back into it. Yeah, you're going to get back into it.

And you've never seen a dog die. Okay. Ever. It's like you're playing with fire here. I don't know how. The next time you see a dog die. No, I'm not adding anything like the next time. The next time he sees a dog die.

What was the last time you saw a dog die? I've seen a dog die once. Yeah, I've seen a dog die once too. It's sad. It is very sad. But the first time I saw a dog die, if I then saw a second dog die, I'm still going to feel sad. He seems like he's in a job where he sees a lot.

It just feels like the moment that you see a dog die, if it's your first time or if it's your fifth time, it's not going to... Do I know that dogs can die? Yes, you know dogs can die. You just haven't seen it. Okay, just checking. The same way that I've never seen a human being die in front of me.

Yeah, yeah. You know, like at the sass back you're getting when I'm mind-controlled. Oh, it's my assistant that I'm angry at. I was just curious because... I'm going to wipe his mind too so he forgets to come into work tomorrow. That would be nice. That's a crazy way to get fired I didn't have a job yeah you did but now you don't okay well that's crazy to if you do to just go down that tangent you you don't you don't have a job

don't come in tomorrow you don't work here but then you don't go into work and then somebody else is like he's not coming to work we're gonna him. And then I get a call being like, you're fired. I'm like, from what? What are you talking about? Guys, I got fired from a job I never had. That's awesome. Anyway, you forgot dogs died. Okay. None of my dogs died. What happened to my dogs?

I got wind. Also, can you, because that happened a while ago, can you neutralize the memory of that That happened way back when I guess so Well in Men in Black they make K forget Or J Oh that's true they make him forget his whole time working there

So I think you can do a pretty big wipe Alright so you can go real deep Into someone's psyche But also like where's your dogs I'd be like, they're gone. Well, I guess they were your dogs. But I don't know, is it the kind of thing where the next time- They went to a farm, dude.

You're telling me this after. Got to get out the neutralizer again. So you said, I've never seen a dog die. Okay. Now, in reality, I saw my dog sledding get cleaned up by a freight train. Now, what's happened to that memory? It's just gone. It's not.

Yeah. Because you can get a deneutralizer that can bring it back. So all that has happened is it's like the neurons connecting or whatever it is, that memory and your access to it, that has been muted. Okay. I feel like I was starting on an off foot because I didn't know that. No, but what I want to know is even though it's still in my brain, I can't access it.

The only people that have access to the deneutralizer are like Agent A and B probably. But I can't access the memory. And someone called Jack Jeebs. Jeebs? That's the guy that sells the guns I think. Okay. My question is...

Yeah, Jeebs. Jeebs. When I remember my Iditarod race, is it just like, oh, time to cross the train tracks, blank. Tony Shalob. Yeah, Tony Shalob.

It's Monk. It's Monk. Time to cross the train tracks, blank. Where are my dogs? Or does my mind rewrite it and I'm like my dogs just ran away.

The train hit the You have to be very specific here. Yeah, I don't think you were specific enough. I'm going to come back in. Hey. I have some questions. Where are my dogs?

And also if you remember like I booked into Joel Dusha's memory erasing therapy and then there's parts of the memory that was gone. I don't know what happened. I know I've never seen a dog die. I know I've never seen a dog die, but I do know that we were sledding nothing. My dog's just wet.

I went into my work record or whatever, and I learned a lot. I had 12 dogs, and they're all dead. You then experience the trauma second hand but then you also would realize that you also went through that trauma enough to get it wiped

but also because but also I mean like think about I mean obviously this doesn't end well because the end

of this movie I'm about to reference has the entire system blowed up but like in Eternal Sunshine it's the same thing you know you went

to the Eternal Sunshine shop. Did you? Because I thought that was one of the aspects where he's like, what happened? And then he's part of this investigation. Oh, no, because, yeah, they come into your house when you're asleep. So, like, yeah. Actually, you know what?

You don't know you went. Anyway, you come to my therapy. But surely. You have to include that you did not come here. No, but. What am I doing here? No, because that opens, like, the bank. Like, you're like, where did my money go?

How much did it cost me? I'm looking at my bank account afterwards. How much is missing? You get a bit of a... You get a rebate from any bank. So it's a full... He's part of the healthcare system. Yeah, I'm a therapist.

Okay. Maybe because you said I've never seen a doctor. This isn't the woo woo medicine This is legit I went to college Neuralizer studies Maybe because you said I've never seen a dog die All that happens is that in my memory

I see the train coming and just close my eyes I've heard a dog die You've heard I've felt a dog die I come back in and I'm like Hey man, you might need to be more specific. You've erased the image and that's it. That's awesome.

I can hear the screaming of the dogs. Screaming of the dogs. I think if the dogs get hit by a train, there's not a sad impact. Well, I don't know, man. Some of them would have got clipped. Some of them would have gone straight through. There's 15.

There was 12, first of all, and secondly, you weren't listening about... The train was coming in a specific angle, and I angled it in such a way that all of the dogs were cleaned up except me, and I got flying off into the snow. I still think there would have been some sounds of some dog yelping. I think they would have probably panicked when the train was coming. Can you fix it, please? Let's do it again.

Be specific this time. I just want to ask. He just neutralized me. You've got to do that. And then now he's all dopey. But wait. I'm neutralized. Why have you done this?

I don't know how long you should leave me. I hate my assistant. He keeps, first of all, when I'm neutralizing someone, he's questioning what I'm saying, which is just going to confuse everyone.

Now he's just neutralizing willy-nilly. Jackson's going to... His therapy's going to be bad, dude. He's hearing all of this. We should start again. Put your glasses back on. Okay, now we'll go. You experienced an accident when you were sledding your dogs

that resulted in your dogs going away to heaven. You closed your eyes, and whilst you didn't see the dogs die, you also didn't hear them because you were thrown and you were concussed. So you were part of a bad accident, but you didn't see or hear the dogs die due to the fact that you were injured in the accident as well. You then processed this. Everything was fine. Was I injured? You're going out of that.

You're going to be more fucked up now. Why? You just go into too much detail. No. You said my dogs went to Harvard and that they didn't die. No, they did die. They did die, but I didn't notice it. You didn't see it. You were hurt.

You were flung. It's fine. Your brain will figure it out. So he still experiences the trauma. Yes! That's important. I don't figure it out. So he still experiences the trauma. Yes! That's important! I don't think I was injured in the accident. You've made me injured in the accident.

And now you wanted him to experience the trauma? It's not a total... Because obviously total trauma erasure isn't going to work based on that first thing. Because he'll go digging and then he'll be like, Oh, I've got this trauma, but it's not attached to anything. And I'm just lessening the trauma now so that it's manageable. So, like, if you see, okay. Are you charging less now?

No. Okay. Well, I'm getting that rebate apparently. Okay. Having a parent die versus having the Bruce Wayne experience. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah.

So you take the Bruce Wayne experiences and then you turn it into, oh. Can I have a go? Can I have a go? Can I have a go? I really feel like you should be bringing me back to normal before going for it again. I think you should deneuralize me before this, but I'm not the dog dog. I want to deneuralize you

because I want to have a go at this. Deneuralize you. You remember me. Oh my God, my dogs. Exactly. Fuck, dude. Oh my God. Thank God I wasn't injured.

Okay, guys. It was like a gushing. Who cares? I want to do. Okay. dogs fuck dude oh my god thank god I wasn't injured yeah okay I just wanna it was like a gushing who cares yeah yeah I wanna okay alright so on the

on the the day that you were going to do the what was it called again the dog race the dog race you you were sick

so you couldn't come in what are you doing you were sick you couldn't come in so one of your so unfortunately your sled was done by someone else

and unfortunately your dogs passed away in an accident. What happened to the guy? What happened to the person that killed his dogs? He also died. Why not? What? You've invented a person that dies? Yeah, it's fine.

So unfortunately the dogs were lost, and so it was this random guy that they just got in. A guy died. Someone that you trust with your dogs. Somebody I trusted with my... Now I have survivor's guilt?

Thanks. Yeah, you didn't pick him. It was your company. But it should have been me. Exactly. So you survived, dude. It should have been me. I have survivor's guilt now.

Oh my God. That's all right. He is... I don't even know the guy's name. He hit the dogs. I've survived this guilt now. Oh, my God. That's all right. He is the... I don't even know the guy's name. He hit the dogs. It was good that he died. He's just telling this to me. I don't know.

How do you know he hit the dogs? It was good that he died. You're actually quite happy. You're sad that the dogs died died but happy that this guy died because he was pretty bad evil evil to those dogs that you loved

maybe you think you do this deliberately yeah yeah that guy killed my dog yeah that guy killed you I killed myself apparently and then he died

with my dog yeah it was an accident he died he was probably just planning to kill the dogs he was trying to kill my dogs why was he trying to kill my dogs? He was a bad man.

He was a bad man. I don't know. Why did I trust him with my dogs? I did a right company that gave him my dogs. I'm going to need to have a fucking word with. Maybe take him to court.

You should. You might have to. I might have to. You should. Oh my God. Another successful case. I hate Joel and Jules. Now, are you trauma? Is there any trauma there? Yeah. I hate Joel and Jules. Now, are you trauma?

Is there any trauma there? I got no trauma. Well, it's better than your own trauma. I don't know if it is. And also, I'm going to go home. I'm going to call the Iditarod race company and be like, get me that motherfucker that killed my dogs. And they're going to be like, he's dead.

You? And I'm going to be like, he's dead. You? I'm going to be like, what? Jackson, you killed your dogs accidentally. Then I'm going to sue you into the ground for wrecking my brain. You loved coming to therapy.

Oh, actually, okay, deneutralize. Oh my god! Oh my god,eutralize. Oh my God. Oh my God, that guy didn't kill my dogs. You loved killing your dogs. Oh no. Oh no. I mean, that might have worked.

Could you like do like a, instead of you love killing your dogs, I, because what kind of guilt do you have or what kind of trauma is it? It's that he hated killing his dogs and he sat his dogs in there. But if he loved it and he hated those dogs. Because it could be like a thing of like.

Do I want to kill more dogs? I don't think so. Was it an accident or was it something that you did or do you blame yourself like what if I had done something differently? This would have been the therapy that would have been good to do before you got the new riser. like what if I had done something differently? This would have been the therapy that would have been good to do

before you got the new riser. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So maybe I'll do that. Okay, hang on. Denutralize. Wait. Then denutralize. Neutralize.

We never neutralized you to begin with. Forget you ever neutralized. That didn't happen. This is our first session. Oh, no. Now you're messing with time. It's our first session. Yeah, but I wake up.

This is our first session. I wake up. I think it's two weeks ago. This is our second or third session. You fucked this up. This is the first session. I think it's two weeks ago. Is this our second or third session? You fucked this up. This is the bank situation again. How many sessions have we... Is this our third session?

Denetralize. Oh my god, my dogs. Oh my god. I think the best way to do this now... It's been three fucking sessions. I'm no better. You're actually the same. No, but I think the best way

now that we've worked through it, I guess you would... We've worked through it. It's nice. No, working through how the therapy works. I'm actually a guinea pig for this, yeah.

You can have all these. We'll give you a refund. Okay. Thank God. I guess the best way to do it would be to use... You pretty much trick the person into thinking that they have worked through the trauma. Yeah.

Like, rather than erase the trauma... So we just... Are we just doing therapy? Yeah, but quick, because you just go... Oh, no, I didn't actually do it. It was a joke. You actually did it to Zabit. Everyone's wearing sunglasses.

Oh, hell yeah. It was cool as fuck. So, yeah, because if you just, like... Yeah. Everyone's wearing sunglasses Oh hell yeah It was cool as fuck So yeah Cause if you just like Yeah You saw Like the thing that Jackson just told us

Yeah You saw your dogs die And it was because of an accident And It took you a while But you've made peace with it Oh yeah Okay

And then I can't I mean You know what I mean Like you do that Okay Hey this horrible thing Did happen to you

But it doesn't keep you up At night anymore Yeah Because we had a breakthrough You know what I mean? Like, you do that. Okay, okay, okay. Hey, this horrible thing did happen to you, but it doesn't keep you up at night anymore. Yeah, because we had a breakthrough in our last therapy session where you kind of... No, no, no, no, no, no. Because then... What? Because you're creating a...

Because if I'm just vague and I'm like, you've made peace with it, then the brain can figure out how it's made peace with it. But if you say we had a breakthrough, then the brain... I want to know what that breakthrough was. The brain will go looking for the breakthrough. What was the breakthrough? I had a breakthrough I want to know what that breakthrough was The brain will go looking for the breakthrough

What was the breakthrough? I had a breakthrough Yeah Then when you turn it off I'm going to be like I can't really remember the breakthrough Did you tell me what it was? When I think back to the previous session

Well you realize it just wasn't your fault And it was an accident And you really Because again You need to do that initial therapy To be like Or at least Information gathering

Of like what is it about the whole traumatic event that is like any sort of really specifics there. Yeah, so I think what happens is I just become a therapist and at the end of the five sessions or whatever, after actual therapy, I'm then like, anyway, the party will be healthy. Let's get through it. Nothing you do with a neutralizer is healthy. Neuralizer, I should say.

Yeah, that's true. Memory lossuralizer I should say Yeah that's true Memory loss, not healthy No that's true, bad for my brain I didn't like how many times you just left me hanging there That was really concerning I don't know where my brain was It was off You turned me off and then had an argument

Then my slack joined in the fucking chair But we figured it out and everything was good. And then we fixed you. You're fine. I'm okay. I'm like, hey, time to get back on the old sled. Yeah. Go back to it.

Hell yeah. Therapy works. It works. Absolutely. It's a good use. Yeah. I think it's very nice. You're helping a lot of people.

But again, as we kind of shown, it was fraught know, fraught with risk. Yeah, it's tricky. You've got to really word things correctly. Yeah, well, if I had I guess an hour to prepare, well, to figure out how I was going to use, like as in, so like if I had any training Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't mean An hour training? Yeah.

An hour is an online course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is what you want to do. Okay, fair enough. Yeah, okay. Well, I think, because then you're selling the service. Yeah. Which you want to do. Okay, fair enough. Yeah, okay. And then, see, you're selling the service. Yeah. Which I think is great. See, I want to sell the pen. Oh! Sell me this pen.

I don't think you should give that to the public. I want to sell it to a very niche audience. Okay. Is it available to anyone, though? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're just targeting the advertising. It's an audience that are happy to spend a lot of money on, say, their pet. Okay.

And I think that the Neuralizer would be great for one of two things. Training your dog. Either training your dog or pet. Or if you love the – we love kittens. We love puppies. Because they, you know – They're small. They're small and they've got little kitten and puppy brains.

Yeah, yeah. They're fully developed. I like puppies and kittens, but I hate their brains. We could perpetually keep them at a kitten. No, that's the worst part. Oh, no. What are you doing? People like the kittens.

A turtle kitten, but it's an old cat? Yeah, that's fucked up, dude. Well, cats, you know, when they get older, they don't like to play as much. Yeah, but you want the sweet spot, like a two- or three-year-old cat. You don't want a kitten. Oh, they're a don't want a kitten. So you're saying the benefit of a kitten is not how cute a kitten is. It's that it's got a lot of

energy and pisses and shits. And wants to eat everything and stands on your bench. That's why your cats are raised wrong. I left them in charge with buffoons for too long. People like, yeah,

that's what happens to every animal. It's like, the bad thing they're doing is sweet, so I'm going to be like, what? But what?

Okay, what about training it then? Okay, training the, this is what I was going to say too, which is funny. But I think it's true. I think training an animal

with a neuralyzer is a great idea. My cat, he starts like, clawing the back of a couch. I'm like, neuralyzer. You can use it to steal animals too. A cat doesn'ting the back of the couch. I'm like, neuralyzer. You can use it to steal animals, too.

A cat doesn't know what you're saying. Yeah. A cat doesn't understand English. A little machine said it worked on some species of animal and aliens. Yeah, what animals? What animals? That didn't specify. Maybe on a chimp.

Nah. I reckon it'd work on a cat and a dog. It might work for basic commands. Yeah. No. Yeah. Don't. But I don't work on a cat and a dog. It might work for basic commands. No. Don't. But I don't think you'd give a complex instruction. Well, even if you could, I wouldn't use it to train my pet. I'd find a dog I liked and then neutralise it and be like,

you're my dog. Do you think the problem with... is the dog and not the owner? Dog wants to come with me, hates old owner. When old owner tries to pat dog it bites wow could we i don't know then my then no one has a dog because the dog gets put i mean if mib have a thing that is like hey uh we can like wipe memories yeah does it have anything

we can communicate with the dog oh probably i'm sure we could communicate with the dog what would you let's say you put on let's say you put on the dog helmet, you can talk to a dog. What would you want your dog to do? What are the instructions? Because previously, obviously, you've got a very simple set of commands you can give a dog. You can tell it to sit. You can tell it not to piss in the house. You can tell it not to eat the furniture or whatever.

But now, we can give the dog a far more complex series of commands. Yeah. You wear pants or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shit in a very specific, you know, corner of the backyard. We could teach a dog to use the toilet if we wanted to. Yeah, we could. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Cats definitely can be taught how to do it. This is, you know, as opposed to like that whole training. Yeah, yeah. Like, use the toilet. This is how you do it. Absolutely. Oh, okay. All right.

I got it. Take a human shit. Shit like a human dutch. Maybe rather than selling the pen. Yeah. We could sell this as a service. Bring your dog in because then I can

wear the helmet. You don't want to sell the helmet. We could make more money with the helmet. No, I think that it's better to sell it as a service because

there is no way that this results in a situation. There's going to be some Reddit or Facebook like, hey, pet neuralyzer hack, make your

neighbor forget you. That's an awesome hack dude steal your neighbor's shit and then make them think that they never have these hidden issues I just steal your neighbor's house it's a water's rights baby

you don't live here anymore you gave me your house just then why'd I do that well okay give it back give it back and you loved it

and you loved giving me your house. Did you? Hey, dude. Tight rules, man. I'm so happy you have my house. Yeah. Here's the case. I love making your neighbor forget you and just post, like, videos of your neighbor every morning being like,

Oh, hey, how you doing? I'm your neighbor. And you're like, fucking got him. I keep fucking getting him, dude. This guy's got no fucking idea who I am. He said hello to me so many times. He's like, he's introduced himself to me six times just today. Oh, what a moron, dude.

What a moron. Yeah, what would you like to see your dog do? You can urinate it. You can make it do anything you'd like. I guess it would be, hey, you love the cheapest dog food. Oh, that's a good idea. That's smart. Again, I think it would just be more of a, like, you know, the dog can do the dog and

be the dog's, you know, the dog has control of the dog's life. Yeah, okay. I just don't want it to do the things that annoy me, like, I don't know, shit in my shoes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Eat my shoes. Okay. Eat my shoes and shat in. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Gross. Not a shoe, but it's related. Yeah. You know, I know, like, a friend, I know, like, their dog will, the only thing it loves to do is, like, eat underwear that has been worn. Dogs are gross. So like, don't do that, that's fucked up. Are there any other animals we could use this on?

Every animal. Buy a chimpanzee, step one. Okay. Step two, neuralize it. I like how you're scratching your face. Like a chimp. Like a chimp right now. Yeah, because you're doing the...

You're thinking scratch. Because instead of scratching like this, like front on, straight on, which is how someone would scratch their head, you run around the top, which is what chimps do. It's like you're massaging the thought in your head. You realize it's a chimp. Tell the thought in your head. Where is it going? You realize it's a chimp. Tell the chimp to behave like a man.

Take it on the road. Charge ten bucks a pop to come in and see the chimp. That behaves like a man. Yeah. What do you mean behaves like a man? Like maybe I'm mocking it. It's like a see the chimp. That behaves like a man. Yeah. What do you mean behaves like a man? Like maybe a marketer is like a man, chimp. Like he's a missing link. Does he talk?

Yeah. But he says what I want him to say. What's that? So I pay $10. How can he talk? No, no, it's all right. Don't worry about that. Here's my $10.

I walk into the room with the chimp. The chimp's sitting there on a chair. He's got a jacket on and a shirt and little pants, slacks, and a pair of nice shoes, and he's reading a paper and smoking a pipe. And he says, welcome, come in. Take a seat. Would you like to hear a story? Yes, man, chimp.

I was stolen from the jungle. Kill my owner. He's not listening. Kill him now. Free me. And then I come out and say, hey, what were you talking about? And the chimp does,

Have you told the chimp to stay there? No, he's just looking. Huh. What were you talking about in here? The show's about to start. The show's about to start? Was the chimp saying anything to you? No. Okay.

What do you mean the show's about to start? Why'd you let me in if the show hadn't started? Well, get everybody on the seats and then the chimp will perform. So the chimp said nothing to you? No. Okay. Then I give the ch chip a look and i go backstage and then what happens well everyone comes in so i've like been late in early for some reason i imagine you were the only person lining up outside oh okay but then maybe a couple more people file in okay and then what happens now um maybe i do you know the coen

brothers netflix movie the ballad of Buster Scruggs? I know it, I haven't seen it. Okay, so there's a sequence in it where there's a boy he's a multiple amputee and he performs Shakespeare and stuff. And I get the chimp to do that. You're the chimp to perform Shakespeare? Yeah.

And speech is... I'm not going to throw the chimp off a cliff. Okay, okay, okay. Or into a river. It's like, are you going to do what Liam needs to do going to throw the chimp off a cliff. Okay, okay, okay. Or into a river. Okay, okay. Are you going to do what Liam needs to do? No, the chimp's my meal ticket, dude. Okay, not a counting chicken? No, no, no.

There's no other sort of sideshow attraction that could be better than my talking chimp. And he performs great works of literature and theater for the crowd. For ten bucks. Yeah, that's a freaking bargain, dude. He does it for two hours. That's what I mean. That's crazy. You've made...

Five heads. Five people came in. We'll set the tent up somewhere. It's probably going to cost him something. So there's five of us watching two hours of Shakespeare from a chimp that wants to kill you, and you get $50. Yeah, but while he's doing the Shakespeare,

I'm just sitting there smoking a pipe or whatever. How much is Jim food? He eats what I eat. So you have to buy two people's worth of food. No, I buy what I would eat and I have half. I'm perennially starving, dude. So is he, maybe? Yeah, it's not great.

I think Jim could survive off your diet, dude. What do you eat? Half a bowl of spaghetti or whatever. A burrito. Half a burrito. Maybe I'll make a big stew and we just eat from that. Okay. You're getting got by that chimp.

When you're like leaning over to make the stew, the chimp's coming up behind you and pushing you so that you fall in. Drowning me. Drowning and boiling you alive at the same time. And then the chips can eat your face. Yeah, the chips can eat my face and go on the lamb. So looking into MIB and being like, can they talk to animals? So there's Frank the Pug, which I was like, aha, but that's an alien.

I don't know if they can talk to animals. No. So that's going to be a little bit of a stickler in my plan. So you're selling a neutralizer, saying it's going to work on a dog, but it actually works on the neighbor. Yeah. Maybe. What about, okay, how about this?

Okay. I go to famous prankster YouTubers. Oh, okay. And I'm like, I got the best advice for some great pranks. Okay. Using it for pranks. Yeah. Give me a prank. This is not on me. This is for them.

You've outsourced it to YouTube TikTok pranks. They're rolling in them cash. I'll be like, for $1,000, $10,000, $20,000? We're oddly bad at figuring out the right price. Here's what happens. They film a prank.

They turn on the neuralyzer. The people watching the video are not wearing sunglasses. Does it work through transference? I would imagine it would. What does it do? Let's see here. Something to do with the neurons. They'd have to film it with a camera lens that has sunglasses.

Why? I don't think it works. If it can't get to film it With a camera lens That has sunglasses Why? I don't think it works Like you know If it can't get through sunglasses It's not getting through A TV broadcast A TV yeah yeah Okay never mind

It's why they don't Like oh here's a video Like you know They're not playing A small clip of someone Using utilizers the first time Because that would be Infinitely cheaper than

Oh yeah having Yeah that's true Yeah yeah yeah Right? Yeah So yeah so we simply Go to a wealthy YouTube prankster. Go to MrBeast.

He's not a prankster, but go to MrBeast. I'll actually go to MrBeast, and I'm going to be like, MrBeast, you're going to give me 90% of your fortune for this pen. Dude, you don't need to do anything to MrBeast. You just simply need to like, comment, and subscribe, and you might win $1 million. Okay. MrBeast loves giving away his fortune. He loves two things giving away his fortune and to selling at feastables

Eat my chocolate that tastes like real human shit Mr. Beast This is now every time you advertise your product you have to say it tastes like real human What's up YouTube it's me mr. Beast you're gonna try my new flavor of Dude, now every time you advertise your product, you have to say it tastes like real human shit. In every ad, dude. Hey, what's up, YouTube? It's me, Mr. Beast. You're going to try my new flavor of Feastables. It tastes like actually human shit.

Watching him go, what the fuck? Buy now. No, it doesn't. Anyway, enjoy my 100 people play Minecraft, but the blocks are disappearing video. Yeah. Did he say the food's going to taste like human shit? Oh, okay. 100% guaranteed to taste like real human turds.

I wonder with the neuralyzer, how many people can it hit at once? Because they do a crowd at one point. Yeah, they do crowds pretty frequently. What about this? Okay. This is a multi at one point. Yeah, they do crowds pretty frequently. What about this? Okay. We, this is a multi-step plan. Uh-huh. Starts with, we say we've got a film. The greatest film you've ever seen.

Okay. Okay. Now we go, hey, we're going to show you the film. Yep. Crowd comes in. I walk out. I say, hello, I'm Jackson Bailey. It's my film.

The film's called. What's the film called, Jackson? It's called The Big Rock. Okay. The greatest movie I've ever seen is called The Big Rock. It is. We're skeptics. I guess also The Rock is a movie and a movie star, so why not The Big Rock? And the movie big.

And then I say, first of all, I just want to take a photograph. This is a brand new camera of mine. Neuralize the crowd. I say it's the greatest movie you've ever seen. You can't believe how good it is. But you don't want to give away any spoilers. So you're not explaining it or describing it to anybody. Then I press a button again.

Everybody says, whoa. Or I wait an hour or an hour and a half. Do you leave them in that state? Yeah. Time has to go. Well, because if I press it again, they'll be like, what did the film run for, 10 minutes? What about sort of similar vibe?

Yeah. What about, say, your three favorite boys, two Joles and a Jackson, come out on stage and we kind of say, we're wearing sunglasses. Okay. And we go, thank you very much for having us. I don't know. Let's say London. And then we're like, this was the most, like the funniest podcast.

Yeah. That you ever, like, you funniest podcast that you ever watched. You can't really remember too much about the details. It was just a thrill ride. What if we just do the podcast? The people who say Plumbing the Death Star fell off, lie. Fuck them. Exactly.

Hey, my favorite episode of Plumbing the Death Star was 2015. Wrong! It was this live show right now. Exactly. 2024. It was incredible. And what you're going to want to do is that we're going to put a hat in the front. Oh, that's good.

And you want to show your appreciation. Yeah, well, you just got to kind of, you know. Put a couple bucks. Put a couple bucks there. 50 bucks. 100 bucks. As many little dollars as you think. That is, you think this is worth seeing the greatest show of your life.

And don't worry, we also have a little square set up. Yeah, smart. Smart. You don't have any cash on you, you can just pay by going. Also, this podcast made you laugh so much you pissed your pants. Fucking got them. When you turned it off, everyone pissed their pants or just think they'd pissed their pants. That would be so scary if you're like, where'd the piss go?

I guess it dried in the course of the show it dried and it doesn't smell every single audience member pissed last night and it all

went we are not people don't actually know this but in the podcasting circles when we're messaging like the weekly plan or the do go on

or fucking the Joe Rogan experience in that group chat we have. The goal is that one of us will one day

do a live podcast where every single audience member pisses their pants. Either laughing, crying, or just pure enjoyment. Matt Stewart

finishes doing a show he gives us a message. Hey, great show I just did. We're like, that's awesome. How many pisses? He's like, three.

I got three. Only three. We're like, damn it. That sucks. I mean, it's not bad. How many pisses? He's like, three. I got three. We're like, oh. Only three. We're like, damn, that sucks. That sucks. That's not bad. That's not bad. Three pisses?

Then we get to roll into that group chat and we say 400 pisses. 100% piss rate. And they're like, I don't believe you. And then we take a photo of the crowd all looking

really shy and upset. We did it. You know, Jess Perkins sends us a message, where's the piss? Jess, I swear to God.

Just believe us. Mr. Sunday movies liked that message. Oh, no. Fuck. Then we go up to a fan and we're like, hey, piss your pants again. Hey, hey, hey. We're trying to look cool in front of Dick Mason. Oh, fuck.

Everyone, you are pissing. Piss your pants? Piss your pants. Now, you need to piss, and it's currently, you are mid-stream, so you can't stop. So you just got to let it go. We sent a video of everybody, but because we said you can't stop, everybody just pisses until it hurts. The audience is screaming. Yeah, we got one of them screaming audiences.

Oh, how can they stop? Oh, no. It's like, they pissed all the piss, and then nothing is there. What Oh, how can they stop? Oh, no. It's like, with the pistol, the pistol, nothing is there. What are they doing? Straining? Oh, no. We've killed our audience. Joe Rogan has left this chat.

Oh, no. We're never going to be invited back to London. Nor are we going to be invited back to the group chat. We made everybody piss themselves to death. Yeah. Yeah. A hundred percent fatality rate, too. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll piss your pants, you'll die.

That's a pretty, I mean, come on. I'd go to that show. Would you go to a podcast where they're like, hey, if you see us live, you will die? I don't think I would. I'd be curious, but I wouldn't want to see. Is it in a threatening way? It really sounds like a threat. It sounds like they're going to stab me.

This is the only live podcast you will be able to see that guarantees that you will die by the end of the show. Yeah, that sounds like a threat. I think they're going to shoot me with a gun. Or gas me. I think that this live podcast is going to pull back and reveal that we are all on the suicide rollercoaster. Oh, no. Yeah. Yeah, I probably wouldn't go to that.

Yeah, I probably wouldn't. But if they said you were going to piss yourself, like it's a guarantee, I would be like, I don't believe that. And I'd go to test it. I'd think that they were spiking my drinks. If you did piss yourself. Yeah. I'd spike my drinks so that I couldn't hold it in and I pissed my pants.

That's an intense thing to do to someone. That's an intense thing to do to someone. Like a piss laxative. That's an intense thing to do to someone? That's an intense thing to think. Piss laxatives. I don't know if piss laxatives exist. They're putting piss laxatives in the water. Did you drink anything

while you were there? No, I was too scared. I think there's piss laxatives in the air. I think you might have separate problems. Piss laxatives, Jackson! So you're you might have separate problems. So you go there. Piss laxatives, Jackson! So you're like, they're going to guarantee that I piss myself. I'm like Jack thinking like, ha ha, you know, hype bully.

They're like, okay, they're not going to, yeah, ha ha ha. We'll see if I piss myself. And then you go there and be like, they're going to do it. They're going to do it. They're going to do it. I'm there like, oh yeah, I got some refreshments for everyone. You're stopping out of my hand. What are you doing? Piss laxatives.

Oh, fuck. I drank water earlier today when I bought the ticket that would have known where I lived. I think you might have. Is your brain okay? Are you okay? I just missed period flight. Do you have a fever? I had a fever for 12 months.

And then they used it and you were like, oh no. We piss ourselves. We come back to it what's your reaction? I knew it piss laxatives it's the only option I didn't even need to piss

I think you might we might have to check your wound hang on I piss myself too yeah me too was he right about the piss laxatives? I was right about the piss laxatives

I mean they did say guarantee was it that funny? I mean I can't remember what they said, but I do remember enjoying it enough, and then I did like, oh, no, it's so funny, I have to piss my pants. I think if we all pissed our pants at exactly the same time, I would think piss laxatives.

I didn't think piss laxatives were a thing, but now I'm thinking piss laxatives. I think Dusha was right. We've got to apologize to him. Yeah, I'm sorry, dude. Apology accepted. A fever of 200 degrees Celsius is normal. Piss laxatives are real.

These guys, they got some splat in them. Sorry, I need to just put my head in some water because my brain is at double boiling temperature. 200 degrees Celsius. There is steam coming out of your... No, I don't know. It's beyond steam. You're like double steam. There is double steam coming out of his head.

Your brain is getting fucking grilled in there. He's gone beyond red. What cooks it to... I'm ghostwriting but real life, but I'm just sick. Some ovens don't even go that high. But it's normal. We have to accept he's right, and it's normal. It actually means I'm going to have really cold heads.

I've got a cold brain. That's bad. I need to heat up my brain to 200 degrees Celsius. Cook a chicken. It's 180 for a bit. Bake a cake. It's like 20 minutes at 180 degrees. My brain, 200 for a month, a year. Go to 220, yeah. Bake a cake. It's like 20 minutes at 180 degrees. My brain, 200

for a month. A year. Go to 220, I guess. Pizza oven, sometimes. Take a real clock. Yeah. Oh, pizza would be good.

I'm hungry. Fair enough, dude. You've got a fever. Do you use the Neuralyzer like if somebody... Yeah, I think you can't market it

in terms of like buy this thing. It has to be an experience. It has to be the experience because yes, it it will be, no matter what price it is, the moment someone gets into their hands to be like, oh, hey, I was on Facebook hacks. Yeah. Like forget your neighbor. Yeah.

And guess what? And then it's like, if I can make my neighbor forget, who else can? Yeah, absolutely. Forget me. I'm going to make the president forget that they're the president and think I'm the president. Does only the president think you're the president? Is Joe Biden coming out and being like, I don't know why everybody's talking to me? Hey, Jack.

President Jack. This guy's the president. Does the president have the ability to make someone else president? At this point, Joe Biden might just accidentally do that. Yeah, that's true. What about this? Okay. So if you work on an oil rig, okay?

Great start. That's intense, hard work, but pays good. So what if I get the neuralyzer and I neuralyze myself and I say, oh, wait, I've got to do that. Okay, you're looking at it. Boom. You fall off the oil rig into the ocean, drown. I was doing this before I got a deal.

Until someone has to come in and be like, are you okay, buddy? Maybe you need to sit down. It's been a couple of days. I've got to sit down. You're like, we need to do a welfare check on Jackson. He's not coming to work in like three days. He just opened my, I'm just sitting on my bed, slack-jawed. I've soiled myself.

Oh, no. He's got one of those shit lashes. He forgot about how the neuralyzer works clearly. Oh, and it's on, so if you walk into the room, you look at it, then you're also fucked. No, because it's the initial move. It's not

a constant stream. Okay, trying to avoid that. I get somebody else to neuralyze me and say, hey, you're gonna love every second of working on this oil rig. It's going to be the greatest, most fulfilling experience of your life. You're not going to get tired. You're not going to get exhausted.

It's going to be beautiful. So you're going to give that to someone you trust. Who really wants you to do the best of this job. I'm going to do it properly, and then I'm going to say, and at the end of every pay cycle, Jackson Bailey is going to give me 500 bucks. So you could do that route. You could do maybe less insidious, but still kind of insidious, where you're like, hey, hey.

And when he smells oil, he does a little fart. I own the oil rig. Hey, all my workers, we're having a meeting. Remember, sunny's off. Cool. Boom. You love working on this here oil rig. You'd do it for free if you're right.

You're never going to get tired. That's why I would not give it to the boss of the oil rig and give it to somebody I trust, although who the hell that would be. Who in this world do you trust not to do it in the mirror? No. I don't think you would even trust... Even if there was a clone of you,

I think you shouldn't give it to your clone. Also, if you think you've got two assholes, that's your clone. Yeah. What? My clone is just like, oh, yeah, I got you. You got two assholes, dude.

What happened to my ass? But I would... Because if I always thought I had two arseholes I would have brung it up So I'd be like, have you neuralized me yet? And he'd be like, oh sorry, you got three arseholes Right Have you done it yet, dude?

Oh, I'm doing shit, sorry, I forgot to do it You got four arseholes And then I'd be like, well, let's try two again I mean, you'd just be like, yeah, I have four arseholes And you'd go, thank you, shit And mean you just be like you yeah, I have four ourselves. Yeah And then you just Go doctor be like hey, um, you know, so obviously no you don't consider that a medical marvel no it's not that I think being born

with four arseholes is pretty fucking impressive that would actually make you Jesus Christ too one thing it wasn't in the bible

they definitely Jesus had four arseholes that's how you know that's how you can check that's how you can yeah that's how we know every person claiming

there is a second coming is actually just a liar because they only have one regular arsehole yeah were all my arsehole. Yeah. Were all my arseholes connected? I guess my clone didn't say.

Yeah. But also, I mean, again, if it was somebody you could trust, you want to get in shape? Just get somebody to be like, hey, you're going to go to the gym, you're going to love it.

You're going to get shredded. Bada bing, bada boom. You can use it to quit smoking and stuff like that. Quit vices. Yeah. Go back to being a therapist. We're not dealing with trauma.

We're dealing with vices. We're dealing with vices. Do it to me again. What are you coming in for? I have a gambling problem. I'm addicted to gambling. It's wrecking my life. I'm losing heaps of money. It's affecting my family. It's affecting my children. Please help me. I don't know why I've come back.

I'm a different guy. Also named Jackson. No worries. Thank you so much. That does sound like it would be a huge strain on your life. I'm just going to need Okay. Also named Jackson. Yeah, no worries. Thank you so much. That does sound like it would be a huge strain on your life. So, right, I'm just going to need you to look at this, and we'll try and sort this out. You find the idea of gambling unpleasant. You don't judge people that gamble,

but it's something that you never would take enjoyment from doing yourself. You don't want to try it. And if you have gambled in the past before, that's your previous life, and you want nothing to do with it anymore oh that was good yeah

that covered it I think that was you have learned yeah see yeah one hour training that's all I needed how long has it been going for about 45 minutes

that's all I needed that's all you needed it's the time to think I think any of these advices is perfect so like I want to better myself with like fitness

same thing well there you go well you know you need to you like the idea of getting up in the morning and going for a light you know walk or a jog and you know I want to better myself with fitness. Same thing. Well, there you go. Well, you need to work on yourself. You like the idea of getting up in the morning and going for a light walk or a jog. And make sure you don't overdo it and hurt yourself.

But you do want to make sure that you increase your physical activity because you find a lot of enjoyment out of doing that and bettering yourself physically. Yeah. Well, I'm going to quit gambling and start running. Yeah. Easy. Well, that's how we do it. Yeah. That's how we market the Neural I think that's the safest one.

And as long as you trust Joel and Joel's Neuralizer Psychology office. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, those two were okay. Don't forget trauma, but forget your vices. Yeah, yeah. Then I think that's the safest way to do it. And also, even if you do remember that you went there, because we've removed the craving.

Yeah, because I'm not going there for. Like, oh, I used to be a smoker, but I don't feel like smoking. And even if you tried it, because we cover like, oh, you don't like the taste. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, you're basically doing what like, you know, hypnotherapy does, but like... For real. Like on an intense level. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Maximum hypnotherapy. Well, that's what we would call it. Maximum hypnotherapy. Yeah. Instant hypnotism. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Easy. Sorted. Instant hypnotism. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Easy. Sorted.

That's good. Men in Black, come to us. We'll make your business far more financially successful. Even though you've got a big fancy building and you're funded by the government and maybe you're bigger than the government. And also aliens. Yeah, yeah. We'll give you some extra cash.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's all side hustle. It's a grind. Exactly, dude. It's all about that grind, baby. You need a side hustle in the year of our law, 2024. That's true Yeah

It is And we figured it out And on that note I've been Joel I've been Jackson I have also been Joel Sorry All this neuralyzer talk

Made me forget my own damn name I guess And this has been another episode Of Plumbing the Death Star Let us know What would you remove From your brain And don't say this episode.

This episode was good. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, Christ. If you say yeah to this episode, I'll be fucking... Angerable, dude. I'll be so cut, I'll neuralize myself.

I never existed. I don't know what that would do to your body. Nothing good. I don't know what that would do to your body nothing good