Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Protect John Connor?

Episode Date: June 26, 2022

In hindsight, we reckon John probably had this one covered. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ahem. You're listening to the Sands Pants Network. Hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star. I'm Joel. I'm Jackson. And I'm also Joel. And this is the podcast where we ask the important questions like, How would you protect John Connor? Terminator 1.

Terminator 1. Or Terminator 2. Terminator 2. Terminator 2. Terminator 2? Well, okay, it depends. Are we protecting John Connor before he's born or after he's born? Well, after he's born. After he's born? Well, after he's born.

After he's born. Terminator 2. Terminator 2. Terminator 2. Unless you want to protect him when he's an 18-year-old boy, and then you're looking at Terminator 3. No, no. We'll go T2.

T2. T2. T2. T2. Judgment Day. Judgment Day. Sleep with Michael Biehn is now off my list of things to do. So we've been asked by the future government.

No, I remember the resistance. It was like, yeah, future government, the resistance. It's like, you three boys. You kill boys typically for $5. Yes. Yeah. We killed that Scarboy. What's his name?

We killed that Scarboy. We fixed the town from Jaws or something. We've done apes. It's like, oh, here's a crisp fiver. They put it all in our pockets. Who we're killing. No, no, no, no, no, no. Through a wormhole. And we end up in

1992. Something like that. You're protecting a little boy. Okay. Yeah. And like, the lady's like, yeah. And they kick us through the wormhole. And we're like, from what? Okay, before I get kicked through the wormhole, I'd like, John, the lady's like, yeah, and they kick us through the wormhole. And we're like, from what? Okay,

before I get kicked through the wormhole, I'd like to grab, because only meat can travel through, right? Yeah, so we're now nude. We're nude as the day we were born. Okay,

but I'd like to grab like a skin sack. It's like a sack made of skin. Let's say I found one. Okay. And the horrible future of Judgment Day I acquired at some point. That's fine. You can have a skin pack. Sure.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So get a terrible bag of skin, okay? Since only meat can travel through the wormhole, and I'm going to need to travel through another wormhole with some meat. Anyway. Could you travel with, wormhole with some meat. Anyway. Could you travel with like a leather jacket? Nah. Well you could but you'd get

there and there'd be no zip anymore or anything that wasn't just the leather. But even then, no I don't think so. And all the tree flesh. Gotta be fresh flesh. Anyway, look, let's No you can't travel with a leather jacket

but for some reason Jackson can travel with a skin sack I just imagine we are the future resistance people enter yeah 91

New York or wherever 91 America we gotta protect little boy so instead of sending a T-800 they've sent us

three boys just three boys we don't need the T-800 we just need three boys just boys. Just three boys. We don't need the T-800. We just need three boys. Just three boys. Just three boys reporting for duty. Send it to the World War. Future government.

Alright, so you've got a skin sack. Okay, now I've got to, first step one is find clothes. We all got to do that. Now I'm not going to go up to a biker gang and do that. That's scary. Can I just steal like you know know, like in a classic, like off of clothesline or whatever? That was my plan. I'll get some jeans and an amusing, ironic t-shirt.

Yeah. I'm with stupid and arrow pointing directly up. Arrows in all directions. I am surrounded by people named stupid. That's what it says. How far into the future have we come from? And do we understand clothes? People are dressed in the future.

Well, I'm just wondering. John Connor's the leader of the resistance and we're protecting him. So it's only like 20 to 30 years. Not the T-1000. I just wonder if we're further in the future, maybe. I don't know. Do you imagine further in the future we will no longer need?

I'm just wondering if a zip is confusing for me. That's all. I mean, at a certain point... It can be if you want it to be. At a certain point, a zip will become confusing. That's true

Not to us, but I mean to people 10,000 years from now Who are lasering up their clothes But what about 20 years from now? No, no, no I've lived 20 and then 10 extra years And I've never forgotten how zips work What about buttons?

If we added like a 20,000 I'd pick up a sock and I'm like, for my penis. What's this one for? What's on your penis? For my penis? For my penis? Is this what people in 1991 were doing? Dude, you were alive in 91.

Was I? For my penis? Anyway. Yeah. Now that I got a pair of jeans and a t-shirt on. Yep. I gotta find John Connor. I'm with many people named stupid.

I'm with a bunch of people named stupid. I need to find John Connor. Yep. How do I do that? Do we know? Do we get any instructions as to where he might be? We just gotta protect John Connor. We know that his mom is in jail or an institution.

That's right. And we also know that he's in the system. I'm pretty sure the T-800 knows what he looks like, but we can also scan him. Plus, we have phone books. I'll look him up. We'll look him up. I'll look him up now.

At this point, is the other bad robot, whose name I can't recall. T-1000. Liquid boy. The T-1000. Okay. Is he posing as John Connor's parents?

At this point. No, because you're with John Connor when that phone call happens. Okay, great. Well, I just wasn't sure if he was doing it earlier. Your parents are dead. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Well, then I'll go to his house, put him in the skin sack, go far into the future.

He can grow up millions of years into the future when Earth is a blasted hellscape. And then when he's old enough, I'll take him to the regular time where we need him. So you're going to take John Connor into the far future. Yeah. Why do you need a skin sack for John Connor? He is

but skin. I guess he could have just told him to get naked. I thought that might have been a shock. Why are you need a skin sack for John Connor? He is but skin. I guess he could have just told him to get naked. I thought that might have been a shock. Why are you asking John Connor, who is at this point? Well, because you can't travel through. Why are you asking a 12-year-old boy? You can't travel through the portal with clothes. They just get disintegrated, don't they?

Well, that'll be a shock for him on the other side. And stepping into a skin sack is not a shock. Okay, forget the skin sack. I left it back in the past. I have. I left it in the future. Okay. So I'll just take him into the future.

We'll both be nude again. Removing fruit. Well, okay. Wait, no. I bring the skin sack and I put our clothes in the skin sack. Then we step through the portal and then I dump our clothes. Why don't you just put a second pair of clothes in the skin sack

rather than taking the ones off your cart? That'll be easier to explain. It's a waste of clothes! Why is this such a big problem for you? It'll be so much easier to explain that way. Fine! He's like, why am I nude? I'm like, oh, I was gonna

just put the clothes in here for the boys. Why are you starting there? Be like, time travel destroyed our clothes. It's okay. Here's another set. Yeah, I guess. Why can't I on the other side be like time travel is gonna destroy our clothes. Put them in this sack and we'll have them on the other side.

How have you learned to this boy's trust? I've said, hey, I'm from the future. Hey! You're going to be the guy. You're acting, okay, so in my head, this is Judgment Day, except instead of Arnold Schwarzenegger, it's Kramer from Seinfeld. That's how you're talking and acting. Okay.

Get in this sack. Get naked first. It's a waste of clothes Fine I'll knock on the door to his house Hello You might get So John Connor's Sarah Connor is like they're going to be coming for you John

So there is a chance That if you just knock on his door Something bad could happen to you Oh wait no he lives with adopt that if you just knock on his door, something bad could happen to you. Oh wait, no, he lives with adoptive parents. You can knock on the door. Isn't he robbing ATMs? Yeah, he is. He's hacking at ATMs to get the money out. But you're knocking on his parents' door.

Yeah, where's John? We don't know. Who are you? He's your boy, how do you not know? Who are you? We think he's at school. Are you a police officer your boy. How do you not know? Who are you? We think he's at school. Are you a police officer? Yeah. No. Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, okay. Fine. Let's- You knock on my door. I'm Mr. John- Connor's foster home dad. I'm Steve Wanda.

Steve Wanda. Hello. Is this the Wanda residence? Yes. I'm going to help you today. I'm Jackson. I'm almost known as a Terminator, but I'm not one. No, I'm not a Terminator.

I'm just a three boys. I've shut the door and I'm calling the police. Let me try again. Okay. Hello, the police. Yeah. I just had a man threaten my life on my doorstep and I'm a little worried. Can you send someone out?

Okay, we'll try again. Knock, knock. Knock, knock. Yes, hello. Hello. I am a policeman. Do you have a badge? What are you wearing?

I'm wearing jeans and a t-shirt. Because I'm surrounded by people named stupid. I don't think you're a cop, dude. Show me your badge. I close the door and I call the police. Would you love a T1 dance? I guess. Fuck.

Okay. Okay, so do you want to have another third attempt? Yeah. Knock, knock. Hello. Hi, I'm your son's teacher, Mr. Withers. That's so strange. He's never mentioned you before.

Well, I teach an obscure little class. Dan Flute. I don't think you're a teacher. Just say Matt. Or English. Anything. I'm shopping those. I don't believe you.

Who are you? Why are you here? Never mind. I'm shut the door. Matt, Matt, Matt. I don't believe you. Wait, who are you? Why are you here? Never mind. I'll find him another way. What do you mean find him? Are you a police officer? No, apparently not. All right.

What do you mean apparently not? Okay, I'll find him another way. What do you mean? I'm calling the police. So you got the cops after you. Okay. Aha. Okay.

Okay. I'll give you one last chance. Okay. Hello. Okay. Okay. I'll give you one last chance. Okay. Hello? Hello. Your son, John Connor, has won $1 million in the national sweepstakes. Where is your boy so I can give him his reward? My boy is under the age of 18.

Well, I guess you win the million dollars. He's going to tell me where your boy is. He'd love to know that you won a million dollars. Yeah, I'll call him. Thanks so much. What do I need to fill in? Oh, I've got the paperwork in my truck. But if you just tell me where you just get to. Well, if where you just go grab the paperwork and I'll call him and get him

to come over. Okay. Let me just, I'll just go do that. Yeah. Yeah. Go grab the paperwork. I grabbed the paper, but I wait in the trunk for a long time. I stand on the street.

What are you doing? Where's your truck? I don't know. It's going missing. Someone stole it. Yeah, I'll call the police. Yeah, I guess you should do that. How far is Joe Carter?

Well, don't worry about him. No, I'm worried about him. Get him on the phone. Let's sort out your stolen truck first. The police are asking for a description of your truck. No, I'm so worried about it. Tell them to get it.

I didn't bring it. I fucked up. I left it at home. Alright, I'm just going to call the police again. Okay. Hello, the police? I've got a madman who's hallucinating. I think we might need some medical attention. Okay, so that might be good because

then you may be, depending on how you speed depending on how quickly we've come to this I guess timeline before the T-1000, we might be able to get into the same psychiatric war as Sarah Connor. But unfortunately if you're not quick and you hang around too long, what happens is the T-1000 rolls into the Connor household and kills you too.

Yeah. And then when John calls up, it's like, Hello! Give one a million dollars. I'd like to speak to my parents. Where could they be? I don't even know anymore I'm Jackson Bailey

And I'm here to give you a million dollars I'm sorry to say But your parents and this man is dead We need to go John Connor I think you've won the lottery And your parents are dead John Connor I'm afraid to say You won the lottery and the person who gave you the money to your parents, you killed him. Well, that's a lot to learn really quickly.

So are we rich? No. It was a murder lottery. What? Okay. I don't want to get too ahead of myself, but I feel like you are stumbling at every possible hurdle. It's really hard to find John Connor.

Yes. Yes. Okay. So let's say, best case scenario, you've ended up in a psych ward with Sarah Connor. Okay. Where are you knocking? I'm knocking on her cell, which I imagine ward with Sarah Connor. Okay. Where are you knocking? I'm knocking in her cell, which I imagine is next to mine. Yes.

Sarah Connor, I'm a Terminator. I'm not, but I'm from the future. Hello? You're a Terminator. Stay away from me. No, I'm a good one. I'm one of the good ones. Help!

Police! You said you open with... So, last time, Sarah Connor met a Terminator. Yeah, that's why I walked it back. I'm not a Terminator. It tried to kill her. I don't think I'm a Terminator. So you open with, I'm a Terminator. She's probably grabbed your throat through the shell.

And is shaking you I wanna Oh wow they've made Terminators that bleed blood I'm just a boy They've made Terminators weaker now Crack she neck you're dead Don't open Okay try again Yes

Hi my name is Jackson Bailey I'm one of three boys sent to the boss from the future to protect your son from a real bad robot man that's going to come kill him. How do you know about my son? Because I'm from the future. Even if that was true. His name's John Connor. He loves... I don't actually know much about him.

Who sent you? The future government I came through one of the flash portals You just think of it Your inability to remember I confiscated my skin sack I needed to get your boy to safety I don't know who you are

But I don't believe you. God damn it. Where's your son? I've been locked up. I don't know where my son is, but I hope he's safe. And whatever you've done to him. I've done nothing. Why didn't they send a Terminator back?

It's so hard to find a boy. What did you say? A good Terminator. A good Terminator. Calm down. I believe John Connor would have sent us back. Or Kyle Reese. Because Kyle Reese is dead.

Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, the Terminator's not coming. Yeah. Well, I guess I'm right. I couldn't get out. It shouldn't take that much to convince Sarah Connor

if you don't say the wrong you say so many wrong things I'm trying you're like Sarah Connor I've been sent from the future by your son John

he grows up to lead the resistance everything that Kyle Reese said is true we I'm here who the hell is Kyle Reese do you remember anything Kyle Reese said is true. Who the hell is Kyle Reese? Do you remember anything about the Terminator movies?

Hello, psychiatry place. I'm here to pick up my cousin, Jackson Bailey, and my aunt, Sarah Connor. Yes, I'm one of their last living relatives. I'm here to release them and get them out of here. I'm pretty sure Sarah Connor's full on in jail, though. It's side quarters in criminal detention. Yeah. So I don't think you can just go pick her up. Yeah.

I don't know about Jackson. Maybe. Maybe. It's really hard to find this boy. Yeah, it's a state hospital she's in. Yeah, you might be able to get us out. She breaks... For her violently fantastical efforts to prevent

Judgment Day. Yeah, the violent part. Yeah, but I could be like, I'm, you know... Before I go, can I study up on past law? I got to bring a skin sack. Okay.

Well, cause my, just to help out, but hello. Yes. I am like a relative of Sarah Connor and this man. Well, you could, I mean,

here's the thing. You don't even need to be like, I'm here to pick up Sarah Connor. Cause if they're like, what do you mean? Pick her up. She's going to be rotting in here for, until she's.

Yeah. But you'd be like, I'm here to visit Sarah Connor. I'm here to visit. Yeah, okay, okay, okay. And then you say what Jackson should have said, which is like, Sarah, you don't know me. My name is Joel.

I've been sent from the future by your son to protect your son. I've been sent from the future by your son to protect your son and my good friend. Yeah. I can't get through to her, dude. I'm trying. Everything Kyle Reese said to you is true yeah

we need to go protect your son but judgment day is still coming unless unless you know we stop this and prevent this we need to get you out of here

we need to get you out of here so like come with me if you want to live yeah Jackson what who's Kyle

Kyle Reese I remember Reese from Malcolm in the Middle hey Jackson can I swap swap t-shirts with you? For just a pic. Yeah, okay. I think it's going to be easier for everybody. Jackson's wearing his second t-shirt that just says,

I'm Mr. Stupid. Yeah. I've got heaps of t-shirts from that line, dude. I'm protected. Skim socks full of them. All right, so this, okay, so we need to, okay. So we somehow got to get out of. Well, presumably with Sarah's training.

Yeah. You can break out. You can break out. Yeah. So you're out. Okay. You've got Sarah who doesn't trust Jackson. Fair enough.

It's okay, Sarah. It's okay. We got to use him as bait. I don't know where. Fair enough. It's okay, Sarah. It's okay. We could use him as bait. I don't know where her boy is. I don't know who Kyle Reese is. I think my truck was stolen. It's funny because if we do reunite her and John,

and the first thing you do is what you said at the start of the episode, which I haven't forgotten, which is take him to the far future where the Earth has already been destroyed. Yeah. Safest place for him. Is it? Because after Judgment Day, I don't think Earth is particularly inhabitable. Well, you know, it wouldn't be great living. We're from after Judgment Day.

Yeah. Yeah, but if you take him out of the timeline rather than protecting him. Well, actually, if I put him in a skin sack, maybe this is what I do. Okay. Put him in a skin sack, take him to where we just came from, slap him out in front of his future self. How is he going to start the resistance? He's been taken away.

You've taken the leader. This is what happens. You open the skin sack, he plops out and then disappears. Then time collapses in itself. Oh, no. He's got to be there

to start the resistance because he's got to be in an underground mountain when the bombs go off and he's got to be like... Or he when the bombs go off. Or he gets shot in the beach. Depends what timeline we're talking about. We teleport him back to where he needs to be so that he's there when it happens. But where we need to keep him safe,

we just keep him in the future with us. Or with himself. Because he needs to build bonds and connections. He's not doing that as an 18-year-old. Which timeline do you want to go with? Okay, so what is tricky? Because you've picked that timeline because he just gets shot with a gun and dies as a boy. Yeah.

Alternatively, he has to be in a secret bunker, which he gets told is how to prevent Judgment Day, but it's really just how to cope with Judgment Day. And the bombs fall and the rest of the world's destroyed, but it's really just... How to cope with Judgment Day. Yeah, how to cope with Judgment Day. And the bombs fall, and the rest of the world's destroyed, but he's safe. Yeah, we'll put him back there when the time comes. I do like your idea, though, of going in the far future and training him up. That's a clever thing. Yeah, I think so. You could go in the far future,

you train him up, and maybe who you... Where are you going? Are you trying to go like a future warrior? What's your plan? And also... And where... Okay, because you've got the future in front of you. We know that Judgment Day happens. Okay. That's where the bombs get dropped and humanity is like,

ah, shit, robots rose up. Yeah. And then from there, there is some resistance. How long could robots last? A long time, dude. They're robots. And also, yeah, the whole thing is... This isn't like fucking Morlocks and the Olai kind of bullshit.

This isn't fucking that. They rise up. Okay. So how far in the future do you want to go? And what do you want John Connor to learn? Well, I didn't think I'd have to train him. So what did you think was going to happen? Well, I was just going to look after him in a shack far in the future

in a horrible, blasted desert. How does that teach him or train him up to lead the resistance? Well, I thought I was just protecting him. Okay, well, let's say you are protecting him. You move to the shack and you time travel. Uh-huh. Then... Well, the radiation fallout.

He's getting radiation poisoning. We're drinking rad water. I don't know what the fuck is going on. But even then... Yeah. Then... So you go to the far future. Okay.

You're training him for two days, and then all of a sudden you see there's a glowing orb appear, and then it's the T-1000 because he can also time travel. How did he know that's where I was going? That's true. Yeah, he doesn't know. He doesn't know. So I just take him there.

Okay, what are the points where have I – I wouldn't have remembered this. I know I have to take him back to points in the timeline so that he can rise up to be the resistance leader, right? There are also points in the timeline where he could nearly be killed by the T-1000. So if I take him into the shack in the future during the time when the T-1000 is around and then the next Terminator from Terminator 3. T-X. T-X.

And I just keep him there and we just chill out and he grows up to a healthy, strong young man. And then when the time is right, we teleport back to wherever he needs to be. But then he hasn't been there to make connections. But he's not doing that at, what, he's like 18 now?

Well, he forms, so, he does form a bond with the T600, uh Yeah, T800. T800. I keep saying T600 in my head and that's wrong T-800 which he doesn't do anymore because he doesn't meet one No well that's not on me No but it is on you because in Terminator 3

he would meet him anyway Well when Terminator 3 happens I take him back Do you miss the episodes where we'd ask the important questions like, Hey, what do you think is going to happen in upcoming film? And the companion episodes where we ask the important questions like, Hey, what do you think about that film we just saw? Well, do I have some great news. We went and made a whole show that is just that,

baseless speculation, where we baselessly speculate in upcoming films, TV shows, games and more with as little research as possible so you don't have to. Just search for baseless speculation on iTunes, Spotify or wherever else you get your podcasts from and join myself and these two knuckle fucks as we celebrate the death of cinema the only way we know how. By making wild claims film studios would be too afraid or too stupid to do and then get shocked when we're right Once again, that's baseless speculation available on iTunes Spotify wherever else you dickheads get a podcast from Like sending him to the future is fine, but you got to do something Yeah, you got the future dangerous and if they're like you're telling me, so if I'm a robot, I'm a termite. The past is somehow safer. And if I'm like a termite, I'm like, hang on, you're telling me as a termite,

while we currently control the world, that someone future-traveled John Connor as a boy, the guy we're trying to kill. They'd probably just gas the air. Yeah, yeah. He'd die too. Oh, no. We step out of the thing, new just the day we were born.

A bomb goes off immediately, killing you both. Yeah. Oh, breathe in. I get, yeah, because the Terminators have an easier way of finding you if you take them to the future. Yeah.

Because I'm assuming, like, now that they're- You'll probably set off an alarm or something in a moment. Because this is like, Skynet has probably got eyes and ears everywhere that it's like it knows what's going on so you better have gone backwards yeah i was gonna say take him back oh okay we'll take him back then all right thinking about caveman time i'm like okay i'm like all right sarah connor we got to go back in time uh so we have to uh you know protect you the best way to protect your son from the future threats because there's no technology. So we're going to go back in time to prepare for-

Go to caveman times! What? We're in caveman times. I don't actually think you can breathe the air here either. Don't breathe in. Where's Dushan? So three of us, me, you, well, four of us, me, you, John, and Sarah are in Caveman Times. Now what?

Well, now we just live a peaceful life eating coconuts and giant dinosaur fruit. Why don't you go back to like the 50s? Okay. So, well, when are you rocking? I'm playing every other game. Good point. Okay. We're in Caveman Times.

So we're going to have to train here, John, to fight robots and destroy. What better place than in primeval history? Yeah. Yeah. So what's our plan here now? Why am I in charge? It's your plan. You just screamed, let's go to Caveman Times and hit the button, and now we're here.

And now you're like, why am I in charge? I was going to go and kill Bill Gates. All right. We'll do your plan. Good. Okay, so you land in caveman times. You're like, actually, I'm not in charge anymore. And then you'd be like, all right, you plan.

We're killing Bill Gates. We're killing Bill Gates and maybe Al Gore. I forget who invented the internet. Okay. But we're definitely killing a lot of- Might as well kill both. Kill Brabace. We're killing a lot of- Might as well kill both. Kill Brabass. We're killing a lot of internet people from my memory.

What's Bezos? Did he do anything? We're killing Bezos? His name's Jeffrey. That's a big enough crime for me. Maybe Elon. Okay. Yeah.

Okay, so you're going to pick different points in time to kill tech guys. Yeah. And maybe that guy that invented that juicer for way too much money, he shouldn't have done that. What? Why is the moment anyone's in charge of time travel, they lose their fucking mind? Maybe a guy that's like, I need a billion dollars,

a million dollars to invent this juicing company, and everyone was like, he needed this expensive thing that pressed the cold juicing, because packets of juice, and everyone was like, you needed this expensive thing that pressed the cold juicing because it's like packets of juice, and everyone was like, can I just squeeze it in my fist? And he was like, oh, yeah. He lost millions.

It sounds vaguely familiar. Why are you killing him? I was thinking of tech startups that I can remember. He's one of them. Let me just, yeah. So Silicon Valley becomes, it's Silicon Valley Massacre.

Yeah, we go hunting ground in Silicon Valley. Here's the thing, I reckon... Sarah Connor, what age are you comfortable with snuffing out human life? Okay, so this is... Like a baby Hitler situation.

Yeah, alright. We've got a baby Hitler situation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, all right. Okay, we've got this baby Bill Gates. Yeah. Is it not more? Sarah, what do we want? Okay, well, because like... Yeah.

This is going to feel good to say, but if it's a baby, just turn him over. And then you're not really doing anything. What if we just take him with us? Okay. Then we don't have to kill the babies. Okay. We don't have to have that black stain Then we don't have to kill the babies. Okay. We don't have to have that black stain on ourselves.

We're just kidnapping the babies. Okay. We're baby napping- Tech billionaires. Tech billionaires before- No, because I would recommend that- Because I think what will probably happen is someone else- Steve Jobs, I'll get him. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I reckon early teens is a good place to take people. Because when they've started their work because then if you go too early I just feel like someone else will just have the idea but if they've started their work and then you just prematurely end that work yeah okay so I was thinking if we take babies we can take them back in time

give them to like random families throughout time then they're out of our hands, but someone's looking after them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We did kidnap the babies. The internet was invented 30 years earlier. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, that is a risk. Take it back to medieval times. They can't do shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give them to somebody who's already looking after a king's son or whatever. Yeah.

A nursemaid. Plop Bill Gates on the other titty. Wipe your head. Got to for a reason. Bill Gates came back to the internet in 1410. We come into the future, everybody's balls of energy.

Kind of fixed it. This is pretty good, I think. It's funny to imagine Bill... First of all, I don't think Bill Gates is the one who invented the internet. Al Gore. Why would it be Al Gore? He did something.

Al Gore did something. Lost an election. Yeah, but he did something related to the internet. I think he invented the internet. What's the internet? Bill Gore. Steve Jobs. Steve what?

Is it two Steve? Steve Wozniak? Steve Wozniak, yeah. Is it two Steve's? I think it's two Steve's they call themselves the two Steve's that invented Apple that is crazy that can't be right two Steve's didn't invent Apple I should have been called Steve instead it's my Steve Mac yeah it's my Steve watch yeah I mean pretty good yeah invented the internet? Something Berners-Lee.

Vinton Sturt. And Bob Kahn. Okay. Well, we take that back to medieval times. Plop him on some titties. What did Al Gore do then? What? Okay.

Okay, Google. What did Al Gore do to the internet? Yeah. You got to add to the internet. And this is just something just for everyone at home playing along. Okay, Google. What did Al Gore do for the internet? Yeah, there we go. Hopefully everybody's getting an answer.

Yeah, what have you? Are you thinking of the environment? No, I'm thinking of the internet. I don't know. I kind of had in my head that he did something as well, but I can't remember what. In the 1980s and 1990s, he promoted legislation that funded expansion of the appranet, allowing greater public access and helping to develop the internet. Okay.

All right. Fair enough. He funded appranet? Not stupid. Okay. So I guess getting like Plop and Al Al Gore and a wet nurse May be good Stopping the internet from rising up But then

Wait, who invented the modern computer? Alan Turing? Yeah, Turing Yeah, Turing did it Okay, so go back to World War II Take him But then he Might as well kill Hitler as a baby while we're here.

Right, so in World War II, kill Hitler as a baby. We're in World War II, Hitler's a baby. Okay, okay, okay. So I'm going to kill Hitler as a baby, go into one room, come out, he's chasing me. He's not a baby, he's a full-grown man! Guys, guys, did you know in World War II, Hitler was not a baby? I'm learning so much about history. I think what's going to happen with your plans,

Zammett, is you're just going to be going back and forth through time so much, you're going to forget what's going on. You'll lose John Connor at one point, not even notice. Well, yeah, I'll plop him on a wet nurse at some point. He's like, sir, I'm 13. Shut up, John Connor. I'm not here to protect you.

I'm here to protect Alan Turing. Turing? What's your name, Alan? Man, you do not look like Alan Cumberbatch at all. You mean Benedict Cumberbatch? No. How do you know that? Also, let's explore what Jackson was just about to say.

Because he tried to interrupt and you said breast milk and then stopped I was going to be saying as we plumped John Connor 13 onto a titty in the medieval time breast milk's good for you it'll make you strong then he's trained as a medieval knight

comes into the future, kills Terminators with swords except yeah I think Xamarin's going to forget what's and also because as you're doing this, the time stream's dilapidating around us. Actually, you're a baby sucking on a medieval tea. What went wrong? But breast milk will make me strong. It is good for me.

I remember a good friend once telling me that. That'll go for you on the other titty. Yeah! I'm a full-grown man, hmm. They'll go, you're on the other titty. Yeah. This is going to make a strong review. I'm a full-grown man, though. It's nice to be friends with a pervert. What are we doing? I don't know. Getting strong for the time stream?

Where'd Sarah go? Okay, well, we messed it up. All right, so yeah, going through time and kidnapping tech billionaires. Maybe not my best plan. You created something, I think. All right. JC, take us home. Save us.

Me and Jackson are in medieval history. My plan was going to be to go backwards in time, but unfortunately, that was explored. Yeah. I guess you got the present to mess around with. 1995. 1992. Yeah. I guess you got the present to mess around with. Yeah. 1995. 1995. Oh.

Nah, 95. It was made in 1991. Oh. My God. So bizarre. No, actually, I was made in 1990. Born in 1990. Yeah. Finished off in 91.

Because the bomb's going to happen in 2029. Oh, okay. Yeah. No, Judgment Day happens. 2029. That's when it gets pushed back. Oh, okay. It's meant to be 96, I think. Judgment Day happens 2029 That's when it gets pushed back Oh okay It's meant to be 96 I think

Because remember There's the scene where It got caught Because the movie was the downer ending She's at a playground Yeah Bombs just drops So what do you

In 2029 The earth is a wasteland Dominated by the Yeah 2029 is when We're coming from Yeah Oh no

That's not far away That's 7 years 7 years from now we're getting going back to 95 Well what was happening in 95 Yeah You know what let's find out Cool events in 1995 Well if Joe Connor and the rest of us

Are fucked off in the time stream I guess Dusha might as well enjoy the 90s. Well, I imagine what's happening here is that, well, we're fucking the time stream. John Connor's like, boop, through the time stream. And he's kind of back where he started, robbing an ATM. And me and you are off in some Splinter universe. 1995 sounds very bad. Yeah.

So I googled cool events in 1995. Oh, yeah. So these are the top five that come up. Yeah. So I googled cool events in 1995. Oh, yeah. So these are the top five that come up. Yeah. U.S. rescues Mexico's economy with a 20 billion aid program. Okay. Fine. Good.

Russian space station Mer greets first Americans. That's also good. That's great. Nerve gas attack in Tokyo subway kills eight and injures thousands. I remember that. Less good. Less good. Death toll in Rwanda massacre hits 2,000.

Yeah, less good. Less good. Fighting escalates in Bosnia and Croatia. France explodes nuclear device in the Pacific. I remember that. Yeah, okay. Something at all. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

OJ Simpson gets trial starts. Okay, OJ's trial. Anything there? Okay, yeah, okay. Anything you can do? Anything you can do there? Okay, here's something we could

maybe hide John Connor in. Oh, okay. From October 4th to October 8th of 1995, Pope John Paul II visits the US

on a whirlwind tour. Oh, okay. And, on a whirlwind tour okay because a whirlwind tour of the Pope seems like it would be a lot of hectic security can I somehow sneak John Connor in as an altar boy or something or the new boy Pope

do like a switcheroo kill the Pope that's fine I know he's dying I'm from the future. I'm like he doesn't have long left. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.proof. We have a time machine. Take John Connor. Go back in time. Replace that young Pope with John Connor. He then becomes the future Pope, protected in 1995 from when the T-1000 tried to take a pot shot at the Pope. Can't get it. John Connor forgives the Terminators. John Connor,

would that change his trajectory to resistance leader? Is there a Pope bunker he would be in? Well, if the assassination of John Pope that was a T-1000 and then Pope John Connor first forgives the T-1000.

Maybe all that the robots need is absolution and forgiveness and to repent. So we've saved their immortal soul with the power of Christianity? It's an unexpected turn of events. We haven't had an anti-pope for a while. Oh, okay. Sometimes you have an anti-pope. What's an anti-pope?

It's basically someone that's not elected as the pope that comes in as like, I'm the pope now. Yeah. We're not doing that. We haven't had one for a while, I'm the Pope now. Yeah. Yeah. Well, we're not doing that. No, but that's what I mean. But we haven't had one for a while, so maybe it's time. We take, you know, what's the Pope John Paul II?

That's 95. Yeah. So when he was a boy, when he was perhaps 13 years old, we go to that era and we grab him. And we say, this is. And then we plump John Connor there and we'd be like be a pope and then we go back to medieval times plunk the 13

year old future pope onto a medieval titty and then we go back in time to when we dropped off John Connor and we kind of raise him to be the pope I am worried that making him the pope for that long has made it very easy to find him. But they don't know because that's not John Connor, that's the Pope.

Skynet bombs the Vatican. Skynet, that's just like, well, that can't be John Connor. Will Skynet get confused and go back to the medieval times where we put the real Pope thinking that's John Connor and blow up medieval times? Well, no, because it can't go back that far, I think. Why not? I don't know. It's never happened. Fair point.

Fair call, fair call. And then that way, everyone, well, this is, well, Skyline is trying to find ATM Robin John Connor. What they're really missing is that, well, John Connor blips out of existence for a while, goes back even further in time and he's raised as our new Pope and then I would be worried that when Judgment Day

happened he would be like I forgive them and no resistance would happen. Well now John Connor is indoctrinated into the Catholic or Christian Church. Yeah. He's become the Catholic or Christian Pope. Now he's lived that life for so long that he's kind of believing all of that.

Yeah. When did the Pope die? 2005. Okay. So Judgment Day was not after 2005. Yeah. So when John Connor was meant to be leading the race. John Connor also kind of, I don't know how.

Also now we've made an old man. How about a new plan? Yeah. I killed Pope John Paul II in 1995. And his first name is World Winter. I then dress as Pope John Paul II. I complete his World Winter tour. I have an altar boy.

That altar boy is John Connor. Do you look like Pope John Paul II? Well, from the future, maybe I can use some of that skin sack and make a new face or whatever. Maybe! I just got off St. John Paul's face. You got to bring a book of law you didn't use. I did have a book of law. You have a spare Pope John Paul suit. So I do that.

And then, if the T-1000 comes to me, the Pope is definitely more well-equipped than the police. Yeah. You reckon? Yeah. Yeah, You reckon? Yeah. Yeah, the Pope's got big security. Especially because, I mean, that goes against me trying to kill the Pope because that's going to be hard.

Yeah. So you've got to have, okay, you've got two props. Yeah. One is how you get into the Pope to, like, you know, brick him and whatever. And two, yeah,

how do the Pope guards stop the T-1000? Yeah. Because, like, I know in the most recent Terminator, the Terminator just mows down shit like military folk and whatnot. I think you're going to get killed by a Pope security guard and we fail.

That feels like the vibe here. Can we convince the world that John Connor is the second coming of Christ and then the entire world is gathered world that John Connor is the second coming of Christ And then the entire world Is gathered to protect John Connor So Skynet Whose main objective

Is to kill all humans And so we're being like come together In one place to protect this one boy And we put them all in one Yeah See the problem See the problem there? Yeah.

Fuck. And also Pope John Paul's hard to kill. Well, no, time got him. In 1981, he got shot. Yeah. Yeah, that's fine. I knew that. But I didn't know this part.

He got shot in the abdomen, which perforated his colon and small intestines multiple times. He was rushed to the hospital. He lost consciousness. Even though the two bullets missed the arteries, he lost nearly three quarters of his blood. Whoa! And having only a quarter of your blood? Yeah, he lived. And then

on Christmas Day, he went to the guy and forgave him. Christmas miracle. So I feel like you're going to go in to stab him and he's just going to grab your wrist. I forgive you, as he pushes the knife through my skull. I don't forgive you, but... There's the Swiss guard, Moe Udeon. Well, I mean, they got the Terminator, so...

Yeah. We were just like the first attempt. Yeah. I feel like future John Connor is going to be like, it's been a minute. Yeah. You know, we were just like the first attempt. Yeah. I feel like future Jon Conner's gonna be like, it's been a minute. Yeah. I'm gonna send- Future Jon Conner's gonna be like, I feel like I was raised on medieval breast milk.

All of a sudden. Something's wrong. I don't know what's going on there. Or it's just like all of a sudden he's like, I'm getting sick. Someone needs to send someone else back right now. We've got this T-800. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why did we send that first?

And it goes back to us. The portal opens and us three are out. And we're like, all right, let's enact our plan. And then immediately another portal, the T-800 opens. X-Wars just shoots all the ravers in the brain. Portal opens up. We're like, okay, got a plan. You're going to go to John Connett.

Another portal opens up. T-800 comes out. you're gonna go to John Connor another portal opens up T-100 comes out pushes us to the portal that just opened arrive back at John Connor's feet oh you're old now did we do it?

did we no like the portal that the Terminator opens up opens up within us and just disintegrates us like our arms fall off either side.

We're like, what happens now? John Connor reaches in, grabs the $5 off us, puts it back in his breast pocket. This is going to be a payday. What? It's sad that all of our plans are probably on par with if we had to just dug a hole and put John Connor in it. Yeah.

Put a rug over us. If we buried him, that would have been better. Oh, well, there'll be next time. Yeah, there'll be next time. Plenty more, you know,

where that came from. Yeah. It's sad I got killed by the Pope in a knife fight. I didn't expect it. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson.

And I've also been Joel. And John Connor's been dead. But, then okay. Yeah. Yeah. Titty milk make you strong. I don't know, it feels worrying I've been Joel I've been Jackson and I've also been Joel and John Connor's been dead but they're okay yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

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