Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Put Humpty Dumpty Back Together Again?

Episode Date: August 29, 2021

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Sands Pants Radio, Australia's most family-friendly podcast network. Hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, how would you put Humpty Dumpty back together again? It's all the king's horses, all the king's men. They fucked it. They couldn't do it. They couldn't put us together again. But the plumbing boys, we got this. Okay, so our egg king was sitting on a fucking wall like a dickhead.

If you're an egg, don't go up high. Is he an egg, though? Is he an egg though is he an egg he is humpty dumpty let me talk for a while humpty dumpty had a great fall humpty dumpty that's not the but we both said it with such confidence. All the King's horses. Yeah. I'm sitting on a new chair and almost fell off it when I said that. And all the King's men. Sure.

Couldn't put Humpty together again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Any more to the nursery rhyme or is it he's just fucking dead? He just had a bit full. So here's the rest of the lyrics. The lyrics. Yeah, good. Here's the lyrics.

It's a song. Yeah. Nursery rhymes are songs. He's not wrong. No fair. I wouldn't the lyrics. The lyrics, yeah, good. It's a song. No, she rhymes the songs. I wouldn't say lyrics. So the second verse. How does that fit? No, she rhymes her verses. No choruses, though. That would be crazy.

Second verse. Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. He got back up. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. And all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty back on a wall. He got back up. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. Oh, my God. And all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty back together again. You can't do the same thing twice. So we've got a king who's a serial jumper.

Third verse. Oh, no. Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Okay. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. God damn it. And all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty back together again.

All right. So our king is a clumsy as shit. Theory one, not clumsy king. Well, I guess theory one is clumsy king. Theory two, my louder aggressive theory. So we're saying Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. Like the wall was high.

Maybe he had a great fall as in he's a daredevil and it was sick. Great fall, dude. Great fall. Really, one of the best falls I've ever seen. Well, he told us it three times as we just learned

from verse one, two and Trey. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And with the Trey verses, I mean, we're saying like, yeah, he's a bit of a clumsy dickhead had a big fall. Oh no, what an idiot.

Or it's like, what a sick fall. Or was he pushed? Oh, but then three times yeah yeah it's a assassin with only one move yeah what about this three kings theory three kings all named that the king's horses and man couldn't put together humpty dumpty's not the king humpty dumpty's not the fucking. Humpty Dumpty's not the fucking king. Where does it say he's the king? Well, in fact, the song actually goes, the nursery rhyme, the song, whatever, I'm flipping flopping.

It actually says all the king's sons and all the king's men. After naming Humpty, you would say all of Humpty's men. Exactly. He's just a guy. I was going to say, on that theory, though, what if it's three separate people? And Humpty Dumpty isn't a name, it's just a thing we call a group of a type of a person. What if? Like a clumsy fuck is a Humpty Dumpty isn't a name it's just a thing we call a group of a type

of a person like a clumsy fuck is a Humpty Dumpty what if Humpty Dumpty simply means Eggman and Eggman had a big hole and was so notable we had to talk about it three times but he's someone of such import that the king's horses and men

are gathered to reassert here is another thing, and something that we need to take into consideration before we try and put Humpty Dumpty back together. You want to fix him, man. Do you send a horse? No. That would cause more damage.

Exactly. Imagine you've fallen off a hill, and then a horse comes. You're about to be in a lot more trouble. What's a horse going to do? Well, that's what I mean. I think it's all pomp and circumstance. I think it's a bit of a show.

Oh, we couldn't help the poor egg man. So maybe the king pushed the egg man. Maybe the king pushed the egg man. Maybe. What if? Okay, how about this for an idea? Okay. All right, so Humpty Dumpty.

Okay, let's just break it down. So what would you call someone who is Humpty Dumpty? Now, that to me is kind of like hoity-toity. To me, it's like a hunchback. Oh, okay. Because he's humpy. I'm still on egg. If you saw an egg with arms and legs, I'm like, holy shit, that's a Humpty Dumpty.

Okay, I was thinking more like Humpty Dumpty, kind of like- Humpty, top of the egg, Dumpty, bottom of the egg. Because Dumpty sounds like he's round. He's like a rotund person. We're getting close to egg shaping yeah we are but I would think something that I'm thinking is an egg

politician I'm thinking maybe this is like a like a political assassination by the king to get rid of like

whatever his equivalent of the senate is so that he can then come in and have more control what if it's it is the king but he's just killing

Humpty Dumpty because Humpty Dumpty annoys him? What if it's like, is it Frollo? Who's the hunchback of Notre Dame? That's Frollo. Is it Frollo? He hates the hunchback. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The king. Get off Notre Dame. I don't think that's how that story goes. Get off Notre Dame. You put me here. I forget. I'm trying to throw you in a well or whatever. Isn't it funny that I think we set fire to Notre Dame

to try and kill you, but then that happened in real life and everyone was sad, but they should have just watched the movie. It's fine. I think this is the only Disney movie where the villain is scared of going to hell. What? They can't really hear each other.

Notre Dame's big. It's hot up here Well, okay We gotta decide First and foremost If old Humpty Dumpty is an egg or a man Because putting together an egg And putting together a man

What about Okay, we'll cut the fucking difference He's a man with the What do you know of King Richard III? Not an egg. Not an egg. Not an egg. But often depicted like a hunchback. Oh my god! England.

Mmm! Okay, so are we putting together a man or an egg? You haven't answered my question. We'll put together a man, but I guess maybe he breaks like an egg, but has the physical qualities of a man. So a man whose skin is shell.

Well, again, if an egg fell off a wall, would I care? What if it was an egg with arms and legs and a little face? An egg, man. Yeah. Would I care? Is there a chicken in that fucking guy? If there's a chicken in there, I'm getting out of it. If he cracks and there's a little chicken fetus, I'm like, I'm in hell.

A chicken in a man. I'm being punished for my sins, I guess. So I don't want to be here anymore for this. This is gross. Although, I would say that if I realized I was in hell by watching a man fall off a wall and then he cracked like an egg and then a chicken fetus was there, I would simply

stick around because I'm in hell. So if I leave, I might see something worse. Yeah, that's true. Let's see how this pans out. I've already experienced the shock and horror. What can they do from here? Yeah, what cool things am I going to see? Why don't the chickens come to life and is chasing me?

Don't push it. You should have left and not tried to trick hell. Ah, fuck. I fucked it up. It's good that you consider waiting around a trick. That's good. Gotcha. Yeah, you thought I was going to run away scared

but I'm going to stick around. Gotcha. And they're like, ah. I'm like, oh, fuck. Still not running. Yeah. I think, and this may be a controversial opinion, it's harder to put together an egg than a man.

What do we think? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Egg runny. Yeah. Do I have to get all the yolk back? Jackson, they did surgery on a grape. Oh, that's true! And a grape is like a fruit egg.

I would back that. Imagine if grapes had a yolk. Imagine if you crack open a grape and a chicken fetus is there. Oh, I'm back in hell, I see! I see I'm still being punished for my sins. Imagine watching a chicken lay a grape. Let's think about that.

I would just assume it shat wrong. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A chicken shat so wrong it made a fruit. Oh, okay. That's not how I thought grapes were grown. You gotta shit pretty wrong to shit a fruit. I guess it swallowed the grape whole. That would have hurt that chicken's neck.

Chickens eat corn. I don't think corn becomes a grape. I don't think a chicken could eat a grape whole unless it was a little grape. Or a big chicken. A big chicken. We never explored the big chicken theory. Who laid Humpty Dumpty? That's an interesting thought.

I see Humpty Dumpty fall off the wall as the king's horses and men gather around. I'm like, where's the chicken? Oh, my God. Okay, so we're looking at a man-sized egg. What would then lay a man-sized egg? Well, I guess like a horse-shaped sized chicken. A horse-shaped and sized chicken. Okay.

Oh, no. We've got some cryptozoologist bullshit over here. As everyone's gathered around the edge on the horizon of horse chicken. Oh, well, all the king's horses and all the king's men. I mean, is this some kind of this king horse who would lord over horses and chickens? Oh, my God. I mean, also, maybe

the horses have come not to help but to grieve. My son. My poor boy. Look what they did to my boy. Half chicken, half horse. A chicken can't fuck a horse. Certainly not in such a way that it lays a man. If we managed to make them fuck, it definitely would not result in a man. That is true.

It would result in a horrible mess. Yeah. Oh, we're in hell again. I see I'm still being punished for my sins. Ah, that horse just birthed a little man. Okay. Okay.

Ah, Satan got me again. Is this ironic, this punishment, in any way? Is this specifically tailored to me? Because what does that say about me? Once again, punished for them sins. Gee, I sure hope this isn't heaven. I've lived a wrong life, if it is. I hope this isn't heaven. I've lived a wrong life if it is. I hope this isn't good for me.

That's crazy. You should know if it's good for you. I should have known that I died, but here I am. Enjoying heaven and or hell. I should get away from this wall. It's happened three times and I have yet to move. I guess if I don't move, it just replays. It's pretty shocking.

I'm just curious what's going to happen next. You're going to be in the egg next time. That's what's coming. The egg is also a man. That's crazy. If I have to dig through this egg around you. I didn't fall off the wall that time. Maybe that's someone else's hell, whoever hobbity-dobbity was, you know?

Yeah. Looking over and there's just three boys staring, mouths agape. Oh, that's, hmm, is that me? Oh! Okay, how'd you fall off a wall? He's sitting on a dump, right? Surely. Yeah, like, how do you fall off a wall? He's sitting on it though, right? Surely.

Yeah, like how do you fall off a wall? It's pretty hard to fall off a wall. Unless it's a thin wall. Thin wall or, again, round arse. Which buys into the egg theory. If you're an egg sitting on a wall, a mere shake would not go well. I never in a Plumbing the Dust I wished I had an egg more. That I could experiment with an egg. Well, yeah, an egg, depending which way you put it, will roll.

He's not really falling off a wall, he's rolling off a wall. If an egg has legs, how does it sit? Is it sitting on the thighs of the legs or the arse of the egg? Well, it's the same way. Does Humpty Dumpty have an arse, actually? Well, no. Well, he's got a face and a mouth. Sometimes Humpty Dumpty is depicted arse actually? Well no Well he's got a face and a mouth Sometimes Humpty Dumpty is depicted as egg going into squat little body

Which would have an arse to sit Do you think that someone has had this theory before? They're like fuck for this to make sense We've got to give Humpty Dumpty an arse What is the most less fucked way we can do this? You heard me Are his legs fleshy or are they also made from eggshell?

And where does the yolk go? What's inside him? Is it yolk? Is it organs? Is it guts? Is it like his throat goes into the... Because eggs have sacs in them, right? Yeah. Amniotic fluid. So you got the white and then you got the yolk.

Abdubamum abulamum yeah that that there he is there's just got a picture of Humpty Dumpty up I tried to find Humpty Dumpty and then it came up with lots of like

nice ones but then I found the bad one and I like that one yeah yeah yeah so he's like an egg he looks like the you know how in old I'm gonna say Enid Blyton books

everyone's faces are fucked especially if you put a face on like a tree or a moon yeah a moon face he's a faces are fucked, especially if you put a face on a tree or a moon. Yeah, a moon face. He's a guy, he lives in a tree. Put that face on an egg and then put it in trousers. That's right. Trousers. So, the way that Humpty Dumpty is mostly

portrayed in pop culture is as an egg. And he's taller than he is wider. And that's poor sitting form. But if he was wider than he was taller, now he could sit. He'd be safe as fuck on that wall. He'd be safe as houses.

Safe as houses. Here's a question for you. What's the wall protecting? Is it just a loose wall? Yeah, that is strange. Why is there a loose wall? Was there once a building here? Well, if he's a king,

then is it like a parapet? Is it like a part of the castle? Is it like a siege happening? Then I would say Humpty Dumpty sat on the castle, not Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall. I'm buying into the Humpty Dumpty isn't the king theory. Yeah, I think he's just an egg. An egg man. An egg man in the kingdom.

I just think he's just a guy. I think it's like the town drunk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like the town Humpty Dumpty, which is just a clumsy boy. Town drunk, town Humpty Dumpty sounds like, hey, you're a bit of a bloody Humpty Dumpty around these parts, aren't you? Yeah, I'm just trying to think, like, what could I be a bit of a Humpty Dumpty? Also makes sense to why he's on the wall, drunk, why he fell off the wall, drunk.

Drunk, yeah, yeah, yeah. When you're drunk, you see a wall, you're like, I'm getting on that. Oh, jeez, I've got to sit down. Imagine the view. Well, again, looking at some more research about what Humpty Dumpty possibly is. So in 1785, in the classical dictionary of the Vulgar tongue, Humpty Dumpty was a short, clumsy person of either sex, but also ale-boiled with brandy.

Okay, so ale-boiled with brandy sat on a wall. Liquid. The king, maybe drunk, sees this brandy that he put on the wall earlier. Falls off. Smash. The king, so sad, lost his booze. Horses, get over here. Put it back together.

Horses just drink up the brandy drunk horses. Okay, you're drunk as shit. Imagine you're drunk as shit. You're a king. No one wants to say no to you. And then you see, like, you watch something. You're like, oh my god, there's my ale. There's my brandy. You're like,

I need... Get everybody! Get my army and my men! And my horses! And my men and my horses! We're gonna figure this out! And then the ladies general asks her if you would like, we could go get you some more brandy. No! No, no, no! I want this one! It's sad because a horse would do more damage to the brandy than fixing it.

It would lick it up. But then there's glass and stuff, too. That'd be sad for the horse. Yeah, it's a cut tongue. If you cooked up Humpty Dumpty, say it was an egg, in the egg situation. You fried that guy. I feel like this is some- Well, it's a hard-boiled egg.

Well, not if you fried it. It's a fried egg. Oh, so you cracked him open first? Yeah. Well, what's in him? Egg. I don't know. What's in him?

Because if he's full of- I'm trying to figure out. Okay, so how are his legs and arms moving? How is he smiling? Does he have muscles in his face? Because if he can smile, that means there's meat there. Is it like an egg, but the yellow of the egg is a brain? A brain.

But again, so, okay, if that's true, then he's basically a balloon filled with a gel. Yeah. How can he then move and smile? I don't know. Try to figure it out for a bit. I'll give you credit for that. So he can't just be an egg.

He could be a magic egg. Ah, magic pudding. Magic pudding theory. Now a quick word from our sponsor. Hey, have you always wanted to know a bit more about the inner workings of the media? Your copyrights from your copy wrong, science fact from science fiction, or how to differentiate defamation from degustation. Well, before you eat a bunch of media laws

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a little. So to check out Media Breakdown, head on over to youtube.com slash stupid old channel. Once again, it's only available at youtube.com slash stupid old channel once again it's only available at youtube.com slash stupid old channel maybe he is uh an egg that's come to life and is rude and if you eat him he comes back yeah things come to life all the time you make gingerbread wrong you get a little guy who gets eaten by a fox you can't cook a fucking thing in this kingdom yeah somebody their chicken lays a huge egg they're like i gotta put this on a wall because it's about to become a guy, you know? It's risky. Yeah, look, it is risky, I get that.

Food and fairy tales, it will go wrong. And it will become a guy. And you will realize you are in hell. Being punished for your sins. So let's decide, or at least let's explore putting together an Eggman. Okay. And putting together a Hughman. What about putting together an Eggmeatman? Okay, that's the third option there. Because I would posit that he is an Eggmeatboy.

So if you crack... Eggmeatboy. Full meal. Well, yeah. Are you saying if you crack the shell off Humpty Dumpty, there would be like an egg shape of meat inside? Yeah, like kind of muscles. Okay. Does he have a skull?

Well, that's the shell. It's got like an exoskeleton. So imagine Humpty Dumpty as some kind of... Crab? Yeah, like a bug or crab. And so he's got the exoskeleton. Hellish terror. And so then, if he was to crack, which is like, it depends if he's molting or not, this is fine. Because if he cracks, then he's got the exoskeleton. Hellish terror. And so then if he was to crack, which is like it depends if he's molting or not, this is fine.

Because if he cracks, then he's just shedding his exoskeleton. He's shedding his shell to reveal another shell. But it'll be a soft shell. Like a soft shell crab. He's just like taken out of the water before it's hardened. So you've got that. And so then he's got to wait for him to harden up. I don't know, Jackson, and I can't help you.

Soft shell crabs work. They're soft until you take them out of the sea? Well, they're soft shell crabs, yes. They get hard when you get them in the air? Well, a soft shell crab, they molt. I think in the reverse. They're soft when they first molt, and then they stay in the sea for a bit, and they slowly harden up.

But if you take them out after they molt, they stay soft. Hence why we get soft shell crabs. I was frightening for a moment and they slowly harden up. But if you take them out after a minute, they stay soft. Hence why we get soft shell crab shells. I was frightened for a moment. That's a pretty horrible thing to picture. That's why I reckon that Humpty Dumpty is some kind of bug man. Well, I guess an egg sort of has that soft shell, sort of,

except it doesn't shed its outer shell. Have you ever put an egg in vinegar? No, I haven't. Why would you? What are you up to? It dissolves the shell and it has this weird see-through egg thing. Why'd you do that?

Science. Science. For yourself? Was it a high school experiment? I think it was a high school experiment. I'll allow it. If it was done in your free time, I would not have.

You could bully me. But I think it was for school. If it counts as homework, allow it. Unless it was extracurricular homework and something you didn't need to do. For egg class. You know egg class? Was this for egg 101? Yeah.

A beginner's entry to egg. Okay. So, well, okay. Let's go with the bug man theory then. Putting back together a bug man. If you cracked a crab on the shell, and then you stapled that back up. Well, actually, I guess a new question.

Does it matter? Is Humpty Dumpty dead? It never specifies. You couldn't put him back together again. Yeah, so does that result in his death? Well, I don't know. I guess it's one of the great unknowns of the nursery rhyme. As a man,

if I fall off a wall, and say, I get in a way where I sever my leg. They're like, oh no, they can't put the leg on. Couldn't put him back together again. But I'm surviving, it's got no leg. That's true. We also don't know exactly how Humpty Dumpty is a part, do we?

To know how to put him back together again. Do you think if a big egg cracked and then there were horses, would the horses eat the raw egg? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, of course. Realistically, you're watching several horses gather around like a big sort of bowl-sized bit of egg, lapping up meaty yolk.

I am pretty convinced that if you took a horse to a man that had blown apart, that would probably still eat the man. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. Horses surely dabble in man meat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's given the option, yeah. I just like the idea of like six horses all eating a man. Yeah, or eating an egg somehow is worse for me.

If I imagine a horse like lapping it up like a dog. With a big muzzleles all eggy? All eggy. If I imagine a horse biting a face off a guy, who's dead? It's bad. Yeah. But it's not that bad. But if I imagine, say, six horses all fighting over a giant egg.

Yeah, one's going to make me feel sicker, I reckon. It's a giant egg scenario. Most are bad for me. I don't know which one's worse. I'm not saying the face one's good. It's just... It's the giant egg scenario. Most are bad for me. I don't know which one's worse. I'm not saying the face one's good. It's just... It's fine. Once more we've entered hell.

A man falls off a horse's study in the middle. This isn't the worst. So am I in hell? Is this heaven? Is this purgatory? Is this just regular life? Because this is a thing that could happen in real life. Sorry, I just had that image.

I needed to get it out there. No, no, no. That's fair. So putting together. So it's tough to put together an egg again without glue. Glue is obviously the first thought that comes to mind. Putting together a shell is actually the easiest thing to do. Because, again, you're right.

Just some glue, a bit of spit and some dirt, whatever. Did you do this in egg 102? 103. But putting together a shell, that seems easy. We egg 102? 103. But I put it together like a shell. That seems easy. We've all broken something, you can put it together, super glue, whatever. It's the yolk that's the problem. Ever broken something and then fixed it. Actually, no.

Throw it out. Okay. No, I think I was thinking of when you were immediately gluing stuff back. I've obviously fixed it. You know what? I take back my claim. I've definitely fixed it. That's fair. I'm up for you being a consumerist being just like, what's this? Microwave's broken. Yeah, yeah, throw it out.

I don't think I've never fixed a microwave. To be honest, I don't think I know how to fix a microwave. How would you fix a... I would be scared. I've had broken microwaves. Microwaves is radiation. Yeah, I'm sorry for choosing microwave because I wouldn't know how to fix that.

Yeah, I fixed a cupboard. That was pretty good. I fixed shoes once. Okay, talk us through that one. Because I bet it involved duct tape. No, no, no. Yeah. I fixed a cupboard. That was pretty good. I fixed shoes once. Okay. Talk us through that one. Because I bet it involved duct tape. No, no, no. It involved glue. Super glue.

So, you know, the sole would kind of split a little bit underneath the ball of my foot. And I just, yeah, super glue. Yeah, that's good. Handy. I've never duct taped shoes back together. Are you sure? I wish. Because that very much has your vibe.

I've done it before. I wish. Because that very much has your vibe. I've done it before. At work, once my shoe got caught on something and I was like, well, I'm at work. Just duct tape my shoe back together. I think my fear would be that I would duct tape my shoes and then the shoe would wear away and I just have duct tape shoes. Okay, I don't mean I fixed my shoe forever.

I mean, like, I think my salt. I think as my shoes got more and more worn away, I'd use more and more duct tape until the shoe would be gone, and I'd just have duct tape feet. But wouldn't that be cool? I like that you've just reinvented the ship of Theseus with duct tape. The ship of shoe, or whatever. At what point does my shoe become just duct tape? Well, when there's no shoe left, I'd say.

Yeah, but they are shoes. Yeah, they're still his old shoes. No, I'd say they're your old shoes. Do they have the sole of your shoe? Not the sole of a shoe. I mean like the sole. Like a spiritual sole. Yeah, cosmically they're still my shoes.

Yeah, then it's fine. Same with that boat and that mop. You know the mop? Yeah, I know the mop. You swap the handle and then mop. You know the mop? Yeah, I know the mop. You swap the handle and then you swap it. The mop of these. We're all aware.

The mop of ship of shoes, dude. If it's got the same soul, it's the same thing. Yeah, exactly. Great. How did we get here? So is it putting together the egg part?

Easy. Here's what I was thinking. Yeah. And this maybe is crazy. Say there's egg in the ground. Is the best way to get the egg out of the soil to suck it out? No. Why not?

You've got a mouth full of muddy dirt. But it's mud from egg. Yeah. But yeah, okay. That's what I'm thinking. The egg soaks into the soil. Yep. You need to put that egg

back in Humpty Dumpty. You don't... How are you getting it? Not sucking it up. Who would bring it up with my mouth? Like a fucking dog lapping up its spilled egg.

What are you doing? A vacuum cleaner? How are you getting it? You can't tell me. So you've got to suck it out of the soil. Actually, no, I would use... So have you seen like a wet vac?

Yeah. They use those things on cars and then they're like on the car seats and they're like, look, there's a gross thing in there. So I would use that. Sucking up the egg and I would assume moisture as well. Then I would have to filter it out somehow. Probably straining it through some kind of cheesecloth. Exactly. I can do that all with my mouth. No, you couldn't.

Through the teeth. If you put Humpty Pant together, imagine how wrong he's going to be. He's just screaming. You know what doesn't usually go through like a sieve thing? The yolk of an egg. So that's staying in your mouth.

I just put moisture in Humpty Dumpty and spit. You're filling the egg with spit. Oh, that's bad. Cracking an egg and saliva comes out. Oh, no. Shut up. No, no, let's not go down there. Drop me there, Satan.

Now I know what's for sure, Al. A lot of hell is egg based. Yeah. Okay. So I'm hoping it's, okay, if the, so again, shell, easy to fix. If the problem is going to be the. It's the yolk problem. It's the yolk and next you know it's the egg.

Sorry, the white of the egg. Sorry. I'm trying to imagine what's worse. Woman. Because the, because again, if you have a broken yolk, it's fucked. But if the yolk is intact by that little membrane, we could save that. We just get like a little plastic bottle, do that kind of thing, sucks it up. It's got to be a big plastic bottle.

So if the yolk is intact, which I assume is its brain. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, dude. Obviously. Obviously, dude. So then we got that. And so then what we've got to do is find a replacement of the white albumen stuff.

Just grab another egg. Yeah, whatever, I'll grab many eggs. Yeah, if he's the king, or if he's an important person, we just get egg from other places. If you've got, say we've got Humpty Dumpty mostly put back together, it's just the egg section, the guts, the yolk and the yellow and white. And we've got, say, a little hole on his belly that we're pouring egg in. And if the yellow, the yolk, is his brain, if we crack many eggs into him, does he get cleverer because of the little brains from the smaller eggs,

i.e. if I put lots of rat brains on my brain? I've gone to sleep. No, no, I was thinking this. Because basically this is the ship of Theseus. Because again, if it's the same soul as Humpty Dumpty, the egg of the ship of Theseus, at what point, because again, we could get like, okay, so we just manufacture a hard shell.

Now we can't, say the shell has been crushed to powder, all the horse hooves have crushed it up. We're like, well, fuck. Okay, all we've got to do now is get, like, say, something, like, a round shape that we can chuck eggs in. So let's just get, like, a basketball or something.

Done. Put a funnel in. Try and scoop some of that egg and dirt in into that. Of course we can't. Then we can get little eggs, crack it in, draw a smiley face.

Is that still Humpty Dumpty? I would say yes. Yeah. Sorry, I just had to pull myself out of that to Google our bigger brains smarter? That's about relative brain size. No, it turns out...

Smoothness. Wait, an egg yolk is nothing but smooth, so many egg yolks, all those little ridges and wrinkles, would make him more intelligent. Or just giving him lots of dumb little brains. That's also a potential. I'm having ten thoughts and all of them are dumb. Maybe I'll fall off this wall.

No! All our hard work. So, bigger brains don't necessarily mean smarter, obviously. A whale's got a huge brain, dude, and it's dumb as shit. Look at it try and walk. It can't. Idiot. If you were so smart.

If you get whaled, which is bad. If you get wild, which is bad. If you were so smart you wouldn't get wailed? No, I'm just saying, imagine being so dumb that the way of killing you is named after you. Like if killing you is called getting douched. That's ridiculous. You kill a horse, you're like, that horse just got horsed. Come on. Horsing a horse You're like That horse just got a horse Come on Horsing a horse

But horsing around Is a thing Yeah Horses are jovial And whales are just Destined to die These are the laws of nature You got fucking whaled

And you can whale on someone But it's a different kind of whaling Yeah You can also whale Yeah that's true. Which is what this podcast is mostly about. What Humpty Dumpty is doing with his brains with rats or whatever. Yeah, so I guess it's going to be hard, boys.

What about this? I got a new theory. Does it involve you sucking egg dirt off the ground again? No. What if Humpty Dumpty's not alive? So he's dead. No, he's just an egg. Then just swap him out and say it's the same guy. No, maybe we donpty Dumpty's not alive? So he's dead? No, he's just an egg. Then just swap him out and say it's the same guy.

No, maybe we don't need to fix him. He's just an egg that the king loves. To be honest, as I said, if I watch an egg fall off a wall, would I care? I'd be confused. Who put that egg there? Why did it move? Is this wall haunted? It's only a small egg, right?

Well, no, it doesn't say. We got no specifics about what Humpty Dumpty is other than that it's named. Humpty Dumpty and that it can sit. But you can also place a thing and be like, oh, it's sat. You know what I mean? It could be a cat. It could be anything. Yeah.

Oh, my God. Google knew what I was about to Google. When did Humpty Dumpty become an egg? That's how you know you're an owl. When you become an egg? That's how you know you're an owl. When you become an egg, that's how you know you're done. Right then and there. Yeah. Because that's what I'm saying.

He's Humpty Dumpty. Okay. It's Humpty Dumpty. Scenario. Okay. So an egg has fallen. Sure. The king's like, all the king.

So you're one of the horses or king's men. Yep. And you've come there. You're trying to fight the urge to lap up that egg dirt. Oh, I want to. How do you then convince the- Is this like an emperor's new clothes situation? We have to convince the emperor slash king that this thing here,

this new egg that we have that isn't, is actually Humpty Dumpty. Depends why it keeps falling off at Tress Times. Yeah, because we come to the king. Tusha looks like he's about to spew. No, I just read. I took a moment to just skim read stuff, and all of it told me is bad. Wasn't originally a nursery rhyme.

It was maybe a riddle. Shut up. Yeah. Riddle me this. It's an egg? No. It might be a riddle to do with one of the kings and to do with a siege.

Yeah, no. Or a battle or something. Yeah. I say we wash our hands. I don't like that at all. A siege weapon that couldn't take down a wall. So, okay.

A good siege weapon, idiot. Yeah. Well, I guess that's a point. Anyway. Well, I like your theory, Zamed, or your strategy of we come pre-egged. Yeah.

So we have eggs in our pockets. Yeah. Humpty Dumpty falls off the wall. We stand on the, you know, so we... Mush it more into the mud. Yeah, and then the king's like, where's Humpty Dumpty? And we just pull the egg on the, you know, so we. Mush it more into the body. And then the king's like, where's Humpty Dumpty? And we just pull the egg out of our pocket.

With a sharpie, draw a smiley face. There he is. Have you ever carried eggs around in your pocket, Jackson? Come on. I imagine you're putting your hand in your pocket like, this will be easy, boys. Oh, no. I remember another egg experiment at school where we had to drop eggs

from like heights and then had to kind of like see if they would survive or not. Yeah. That's good because like I remember that one where you had to do it with like you had to give it a parachute or like some kind of padding. It's good to imagine like misunderstanding that and just hurling the egg at the ground. No, it doesn't survive.

You had to do a control test. You had to just drop an egg from a height and see what happened. I mean, look, I mean, what if it had bounced? Well, it could have. Because there's that bit on an egg that's super strong. Yeah, if you hold an egg from the top of the bottom and you squeeze it, it can't break. So if Humpty Dumpty had fallen right, it would have just bounced.

Well, no, it's crushing, not dropping. I don't know. When I was young, my brother used to go get eggs from the kitchen sometimes and just pull them into the field in front of us at the cows. Did he ever hit a cow? No, I don't think he was aiming for the cows. He just liked to see them smash. The cows lapped them up, yeah.

No, but I'm trying to think, would a cow eat an egg whole? Like, trying to imagine a cow lapping a whole egg up and just crunching it into its mouth. That would be the worst noise you could hear, I think. Because I think a cow could do that quite easily. Do you think if you egged a cow it would care? So if you're in a farm. It depends, because I think for the egg to smash on a cow,

the cow would probably be unhappy because of the force. Yeah, it might hurt the cow, I guess. But if it didn't hurt the cow, it would probably just assume like a bird- actually, the cow would probably just assume a bird's flown into it or something. So if you gave, say, cows the taste of delicious egg, and then you had a farm, and then you just like left chickens to rope, would the cows, kind of like a weasel. Break in and try to eat those eggs. So if you constantly just fed cows eggs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And in this situation, because I'm not sure, I mean, it could go either way, but eggs might make cows sick. But in this instance, it doesn't. So they just love it. Yeah, they love it. Then, yeah, I guess. I reckon it would, especially if you made your hutch where you kept the chicken eggs not super secure.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If you set up your farm solely to make cows like weasels. It is easy as possible for the cows to steal the eggs. That's funny as well because then, like, it's funny if the cows do get sick because both of your produce. My milk has been poisoned with my eggs. Oh, no. That's how you get eggnog, baby.

No, but yeah, no. The consistency of that cow's milk would be horrific. It would be drippy. Yeah. Yeah. Interesting. I don't know the yolk. Milk a cow, yolk comes out.

Imagine you put your hands around the teat and you squeeze and it's like an egg cracks within the teat. Oh, no. Ah, hell again, my old friend. Oh, I see. I'm on a farm in hell. All of my punishments have been egg related. Did I do something bad with eggs in life?

Did I punish a chicken that didn't deserve it? Is this because of all the chickens I kicked all the time? Have I gone to chicken hell? Chicken couldn't even milk a cow. Is this chicken hell or weasel heaven? Because if this is chicken hell, that makes sense. Because if these were like children, then I'd be upset too. If I squeezed the cow's teeth and a child screamed out in pain,

I would be upset. But all the time it's weasel heaven. Because if I was a weasel and there was a cow, I could squeeze the other half of it. I'd be like, ah, chicken egg. This is great. Normally you're doubling up. Like, this is a twofer.

Yeah, because weasels also eat chicken. So, like, that's even better. Yeah, weasel heaven is chicken hell. That is true. Yeah. Is that what we were trying to figure out? KFC heaven is also chicken hell. Yeah, that's true.

Colonel Sanders in heaven. Is KFC heaven for KFC hell. Yeah, that's true. Colonel Sanders in heaven. Is KFC heaven for KFCs that were good and die? KFC customers that were good and die. The KFC, the store, I don't know what that heaven would look like. What does a store want? Does a store want more customers or less customers? I don't know. Is it a friendly store or is it a grumpy store?

Well, because like with a store, the door's open, and that's like the store doing something. So I guess probably less customers. Yeah. Because that's effort. Yeah. But then you want some customers, so you're doing something, you're not just sitting still for eternity.

Unless maybe the store's just one piece in quiet for eternity. Now that's rock heaven. No, that's rock now. That's rock purgatory. Nah, rock- I can't wait to go to rock now. Rock now sometimes can get picked up and hurled. Yeah, that's true, but maybe that's good for rock, get to see new things. New sights. Move house. Yeah. What if a rock wants to travel? You don't know.

Yeah. That's not up to the rock. Does that mean that some KFC stores go to hell? That they were bad? Yeah, I guess like any that get closed down due to food violations, which would probably happen. Yeah, that's not the KFC's fault, though. That's the people inside. So the people inside are going to hell, yeah. Wash your hands, you filthy animals.

All KFCs go to heaven. Yeah, which is also chicken hell. Yes. Or an aspect of it. Anyway, if Humpty Dumpty was a man, I'd just Robocop him. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've been Joel.

Humpty Dumpty, you're in safe hands. Yeah, don't worry. We got you covered. Yeah, we'll fix you, dude, whatever you want. Do you know that we do too many shows across the Sandspan's radio network? Take Shut Up a Second, our very first podcast we ever did. It's a nightmare reflection to where it all started, but damn it, I can't help but feel like a proud dad.

Early on, I edited all the episodes, watching ever-vigently from the producer box, until one day I realized they just didn't need me anymore. The training wheels had come off, and sure, there'd be some minor scraps along the way, but my heart beams with deep satisfaction of how far they've come. Oh, it's also just some hot, dumb, funny bullshit, so search for Shut Up A Second on iTunes or Spotify or head to our website, sanspansradio.com.