Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Raise Baby Jesus?

Episode Date: April 20, 2025

Would raising baby jesus be easier if he were a dog? Probably not right? No one can know for sure though. 3 dumbo blokes sound out whether they could have done a better job than the divine virgin mary herself, but get sidetracked discussing foreskins along the way.Links to everything at https://linktr.ee/plumbingthedeathstar including our terrible merch, social media garbage and where to become a subscriber to Bad Brain Boys+Support Jarren's Outpost on Kickstarter: https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/dndnerds/jarrens-outpost Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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powder, anthrax. But what's strange is if you ask people now what happened with that story, almost no one knows. It's like the whole thing just disappeared. Who mailed those letters? Do Hey everyone and welcome to this week's very special episode of Plumbing the Death Star. I'm Joe. I'm Jackson. And I'm also Joe. Plumbing the Death Star is a comedy pop culture and today, pop culture, ah podcast, where we ask the important questions like, you're Virgin Mary, how are you going to raise baby Jesus?

There's been films with Jesus. Yeah! He appears in South Park. Yeah! That's pop culture. Absolutely, dude. Um, this is... Jim Cavazizel he was hims. He was hims yeah yeah yeah. And was like that means I gotta keep going not maybe I just got smothered. Anyway this is also a listener question let me just find

the listener. I had it and then all of a sudden my phone freaked out hang on. Okay just wait. I'm waiting to dude. We're locked in We're waiting for those who don't know Jesus Christ You explain Jesus Christ to the people well I try and find who the hell suggested this episode Born in Bethlehem Born in a manger in 0 ad Or maybe negative 30 ad or maybe negative 200.

I don't know how time works. When? He was born to a very happy and healthy Virgin Mary. Her husband, Joseph, was immaculately conceived by God. Yeah. God was like- This is from Fatali Kang. Thank you, Fatali Kang. Yes. Yeah, God was like, thank you Fatali Kang. God was like, I'm gonna put a baby in you,

zappity bing bang, and she's like, what? Ooh, pregnant. That's some sweet baby Jesus in my belly. Okay, but now baby Jesus is born. Happy day. Happy day, little beautiful boy, we are in a manger, Joseph is there being like, doesn't have my eyes, and I'm like, happy day. Happy day. Little beautiful boy. We are in a manger. Joseph is there being like, doesn't have my eyes. And I'm like, shut up.

You're like, brother, that's God's baby. Yeah, you know. Yeah, you exactly. That supersedes everything. Now, there are a couple of, first thing I'm thinking is the three wise men. Yeah. Frankincense, me, gold.

Now, my baby can't use any of that. Gold is money. Well, my baby can use gold. I'm gonna grab that and be like, all right. How much gold did they get? Do we know? I actually don't think we know. I think I, for some reason, was reading about this recently.

We don't know how much gold it was. I'm assuming it would have been, like what I'm thinking, I get the gold immediately. I'm moving into the hotel next door. Fuck this barn. Well, maybe I buy the hotel. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, if I get that gold. Well, that's the hotel next door. Fuck this barn. Well, maybe I buy the hotel. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, if I get that gold, well that's the thing.

Well, not just that, A, I got a place to live in and B, now I have a business. Yeah, that's true. And C, I can take my sweet revenge on the hotel guy that didn't give me. Absolutely. Oh, you can just give birth in a barn with the barnyard animals. Oh, yeah, guess what?

I'm buying this and your fire I think if you gave birth to a baby and then a donkey licked it that baby's gonna grow up wrong I think the baby's gonna grow up sick. Oh, is it good luck to have a donkey lick your baby? Yeah, I mean in a way Hmm having like a horse lick your face. I don't know something about that. It feels like it's a blessing. Yeah it feels kind of precious or something. You know what I mean?

Yeah is it different if it's a horse versus a donkey? A donkey I feel, I don't know. I was gonna say a donkey I feel like is more likely to bite my face, but actually maybe a horse is. I don't know much of donkeys. Vibe wise I feel that the donkey will bite my sweet baby but actually maybe a horse's. I don't know much of donkeys. Vibe wise, I feel that the donkey will bite my sweet baby boy, but the horse will nourish

and lick it and care for it. Have you ever seen a donkey? Yeah. Is this about to be like Jackson Bailey doesn't believe donkeys exist? Drop, is this what we're leading towards? No, I was just thinking, I was just thinking, wow, I've never seen a donkey in my life.

I've been with you when we've seen a donkey. When? In the UK when we stopped in at a petrol station or a gas station or whatever the fuck they're called. Petro or whatever. Service. And there was, it was the first tour where Adam was with us and there was donkeys in like a random paddock

that was attached to the petrol station or gas station, et cetera, et cetera. And then we were hassling, well, not hassling, we were being kind to the donkey. And Adam was like, I really want a paddock. And I was like, good luck. And then Adam did paddock and it was really greasy. I don't remember this at all.

Maybe you were probably inside the service station sucking on a pie or something. Yeah, I also don't remember. Unless this is part of the trip where we got separated. Maybe, but I don't think you and Adam were ever separated from me and Zabit. It's me and you were separated from everyone else. Maybe you've never seen a donkey. I've seen a donkey. Um, dude, that's not even the only donkey I've seen. I guess I must've seen a donkey at some point. Is a mule that's a donkey and a horse fucked? Yeah.

Those like, if you were like mules aren't real, I'd be like, all right. You can kind of believe it. If you were like, what's the difference between a mule and a donkey? I would be stumped. Yeah. One's got a horse, one's got some horse blood.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What does that look like? They're short, like short or worse donkeys. A mule. Well, have I only seen a mule, not a donkey? Wait, maybe I've only seen a mule. Yeah. Donkey.

Because it's like squat and grumpy. Like solid as fuck. Like you can't push it over. They're solid as a horse, but they're tiny like a donkey. Small like a donkey, solid like a horse. The mule. That's how I'd sell a mule at market. I've only seen a donkey. Now that I look at a mule. Can you show me a picture of a mule? Yeah. I horse. The mule. That's how I'd sell a mule at market. I've only seen a donkey.

Now that I look at a mule. Can you show me a picture of a mule? Yeah. I wanna see a mule. Yeah. I also wanna see this mule. I don't think I've seen a mule then. Maybe I've seen a donkey.

That's up for debate, but I've never seen a mule. So if people wanna look at this picture at home, I've gone to eHorses. Is that an awesome website that's just pictures of horse? That's like a 1999 like 1999 style website. I love that. This is a mule that is currently, oh, oh, that's sad.

It's been on sale for two years and no one's bought this mule. Mule for sale. How much is that mule in the window? I don't know, but there's a phone number here. So if we put it on camera, oh, you know what? Call Mark. Call Mark, buy me a mule.

I don't know, man. That's a mule? Yeah. That's a mule? We put it on camera. Oh, you know what cold up That's a mule yeah, that's a mule it does look more like a horse I guess it's a horse with like a donkey head Yeah, yeah, yeah, where donkeys like shaggy. Yeah, I guess I've never seen a mule. I guess I've never seen a mule either That's which brings me to the donkeys must be smaller than mules. What are you? Yeah? Yeah? I'm gonna diagram Like it was a revelation wait wait donkeys must be smaller than mules man man stumbles upon the greatest Okay, I think I feel if my boy was licked by a mule, I'd be more upset if he was licked by a horse. Absolutely. I think in terms of in the order of what your baby boy licked by, horse, donkey, mule. 100%. Pig.

Yeah. Pigs are filthy. You know how people say clever is a mule or whatever? No. Smart as a... No. I've heard stubborn is a mule or whatever? I always thought- No. Smart as a- No. I've heard that before. I've heard stubborn is a mule.

I've heard sly like a fox. No, no, no, smart is like- A wise owl. Nobody's calling mules. Well, I've heard people say- Smart as a mule. But I thought it was a joke. Like kind of being like, oh, he's just-

He's like an idiot. So he's saying he's smart as a mule. Like saying dumb as a bag of hammers or whatever. Yeah, or like as clean as of me. I don't know That's not a real one that what I made off for this episode only but you can try it out at home So what is it big clean as a pig? I wouldn't shock me if clean as a pig was one Yeah, because I get it's like the reverse because pigs are considered Mules are a very special mix. They have a donkey father and horse mother

Okay, and often inherit the best qualities of both. Mules are faster than donkeys and more intelligent than horses and live a very long life. What is the reverse of mother and father? Whatever it's a father. Well, hey. Is that a different beast?

Is it not a mule? Yeah, it's a different beast. Is it not called a mule? It's not called a mule. What is it called? Hiney? Oh, it's a different beast. Is it not called a mule? It's not called a mule. What is it called? A hinny? Oh, I knew this. A hinny?

A hinny. Does that get the worst of both? Stupid and short lived. You ever seen the film twins with Dane DeVito? It's a mule? It's the daddy of Vito. That's just like the honey. Farm animals.

Yeah, the hinny, wow. Yeah. This thing's gonna live for six months and it's so fucking stupid It's so squashed and dumb It's tiny and It's dumb, it's tiny, stupid, won't stop kicking Yeah, and it's gonna die so soon

That's why we're gonna make this It's a mayfly of the horse world Yeah, don't breed that Sometimes it happens dude. I'm not in charge of the fucking goddamn farm, dude Yeah, yeah, sometimes you just let a blues, you know I don't know. I can't I can't tell a horse who and who not to fall in love with Man if I found out say I was like a new farmer. Mm-hmm like you're sitting like far things. I forgot the donkeys I say it was like a new farmer. Like it's in like far things.

I forgot the donkeys. Sorry, I got distracted because I, it was like, yeah. So a Hine is the offspring of a male horse, a stallion and a female donkey, a Jenny. Yeah. I forget the, yeah. The female donkey is called Jenny. Also, just in case you're wondering, like mules,

Hines are also sterile, but they can come, unfortunately, to just have malformed spoon. Oh no. Well, I think the mule can probably come. Well, it comes come, but it comes wrong. Yeah, but I think a mule comes come too. Does a mule come come? Of course.

I mean, I don't wanna. Its penis isn't malformed. No, but like- It's in. Yeah, it's not, it'll come come. It's just the come does shit all. Yeah. Anyway, if I was a new farmer, Yeah, it's not it'll come come. It's just the come does shit all yeah Anyway, if I was a new farmer, yeah, say it's where we're like proto indo-europeans. We've just discovered farming is a thing Yeah, yeah, and I have a horse and a donkey yep, and I'm just letting them run loose and then I get a mule

Uh-huh. I'm opening up the farm. Oh, yeah, I'm scared get rid of any fence Let's let them all fuck and see what we get. Yeah The horse and a pig I'm there. Oh well the ball good cuz he gonna dog Cuz it'd be the difference of things like a male father The the male pig or a female pig You come up with new names as well. So you have like a hoe, like a... That's a howl. Get a howl and a pog, baby.

Except actually I'm sitting there... Wait, no, it's a stallion and a sow. Soap. Soap. Beautiful. And then that's a... So stallion and a sow is a horse fucking a pig. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pig on the horse. Pig on the horse. Difficult to do. Yeah. But like with enough stepladders. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And if I'm holding a pig. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A pig on the horse. Pig on the horse, difficult to do. Yeah.

But like with enough step ladders. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And if I'm holding a pig or whatever, I can make it work. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's a male pig called? That's gonna say steer. That's not right.

That's not right. What is a male pig called? That's a cow. Yeah. No, that's a cow. It's a boar. You're thinking cow. A boar.

Also, mules can't have, No, that's a cow. It's a boar. You're thinking cows. A boar. A boar. So boar and what's the- Mules can't have, mules are infertile for a different reason. Whoa. Mules fall in between, they don't have as many, was it chromosomes? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Don't have as many chromosomes as a horse or as a donkey, so they can't, like their DNA is incompatible. That's why we can't have chimp babies too. Yeah. Cause it's like, there's like a tiny, maybe it's not that actually, anyway. And then I guess something with a hinny means that they also can't fuck, so.

That's crazy. But with mules, it's rare, but it can happen. Yeah. But for hinny's- And surely the outcome of a mule, it's not, that's not having babies. It's like the, it's like a Hepburn, like a, is it Hepburn?

Hepburn chin, but for a donkey. Yeah, yeah. You're getting a freaky mule, dude. It's like the, it's like a Hepburn, like a, it's a Hepburn? Hepburn chin, but for a donkey. Yeah, yeah. You're getting a freaky mule, dude. It's also funny because, you know, we're saying, oh, I'd get a pog and a hig or whatever. Actually, I'd get nothing. Yeah, I'd get laughed at. But what did you do to the what?

How many times did a dog fuck that pig? And you'd be like, I don't know, heaps. Heaps, dude. I can't keep my pot, but when we get pregnant, I don't fucking understand I'm watching the fuck all day. It's killing me. Yeah, I'm waiting and I'm not getting shit when I close my eyes I just see my pig getting railed because I just Laughing at me they keep calling me a pervert Cuz I just try to breed a dog that you can eat the meat of to make dog bacon and a pig that'll fight off

You know predators that attack my shape and shit When a pig already sort of do that From the peanut gallery get back to your own bar. You probably got some animal to go watch and fuck right? Yeah Watch what watch to fuck yeah, I'm not fucking I'm not trying to make a pan pig man What will be the point of that dude? Dan man's best friend that's also a man dog man well that's something to think about yeah And this is man man's best friend man man man's best friend

You got some fun like look if me and you we're both men so we could get pregnant We're both men, so we can get pregnant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you do our sex, you'll make a man man. So we'll make a man man first. We're gonna make man man's best friend, the dog man, Dan. That's my job. Okay?

Well, you two work on the man man. I'm going back to my farm and I'm like, I think speaking to that farmer that's watching all of these animals' fuckers made me sick in the head. That thing has really fucked me up. I mean, how many times we keep making beautiful love to each other and neither of us are pregnant. I don't understand. I think we're gonna kill that guy on his cursed farm without spears. Okay, so I'm going back to the manger also Before we got yeah back to the farm. Yeah experiment um They suspected if it was one bar of gold

That's the equivalent of like seven or eight years of work for a Roman soldier So they think that the gold from the three wise men was not that much But also three wise men almost good Jesus killed, which I didn't know. Huh. How'd they do that? Went back to the king, King Harold. King Harold and were like, Hey, baby, Jesus is born. And he was like, he was like, they were like, where they were like, I'm like, they were like, we're not going to say.

And he was like, all right, thank you for this information. Kill every boy under, under the age of two, which means that the, you know, the, uh, hanging out in the manger for maybe years? I guess. On the lam for a bit, I guess. Well, cause the way in the Bible, I might be wrong in this, but I'm pretty sure we get like baby Jesus. Yeah.

Maybe little kid Jesus very briefly. Smash cut adult Jesus. So we don't know what happened to him. I think there's like some reference to, he's like, I guess, biological brothers and sisters. Yes, yeah, yeah, absolutely. When he's like very young. And there's also- We're assuming, well, he's like, I guess, biological brothers and sisters. Yes, yeah, yeah, absolutely. When he's like very young. And there's also-

I'm assuming, well, I say biological, I'm guessing from like, you know, wealthy logically, or like whatever, it's just Joseph and Mary's- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. His poor, his lesser god influence. Divine, yeah. Exactly. And I know there's also an apocryphal,

like Bible story about Jesus as like a teenager killing a dragon in a cave. That they just, they were removed from the, you know, there's like so much they just cut from the Bible. a dragon in a cave that they removed from the, you know, there's like so much they just cut from the Bible. Well, yeah, and there's like whole like books and stuff that they got rid of. The Book of Eve is just like the sexiest chapter in the Bible.

It's all about how awesome it is to fuck down and shit. But they got rid of it. Yeah, it's great. Eve had it, she knew. Oh, she had the knowledge. Yeah, she had the knowledge, dude. She was the first babe to fuck down. That's pretty awesome. And not just that, she had the knowledge to be like she had the knowledge. She was the first babe to fuck down. That's pretty awesome I'm not just that she had the knowledge to be like

Yeah, do you think the garden of Eden's like a sort of sexy location? Yeah, like yeah in my mind It's like there's something kind of erotic about the garden of Eden, you know, it's all meant to be comfortable. Yeah, exactly It's comfortable you're naked and then there's like that, you know titillating like you're finding out you're naked Yeah, and then I guess like that you know titillating like you're finding out you're naked and then I guess then Bowning down right were they burning down before eating the apple or was that like a consequence of? Because they were just like happy because they eat the apple and they realize they're near when was Cain and Abel born That was directly after they were they were Adam and Eve's kids. I'm pretty sure they weren't But where they they weren't did they were never

That's a shame for that's just Adam you get kicked out of here. They don't fuck until after the guy Yeah, so I'm guessing fucking would have been the knowledge. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you've knows a thing with the even though Yeah, that's the fucking the apple cuz the scene because it's yeah fucking for fun. Basically. So did they fucking aden? No, that's thanks cuz I think it's not sexy to fuck outside eating where yeah, it's all gross and bad. Yeah, we're saying yeah dry I imagine very dry. Yeah. Yeah, I'll be trying to get back in. Oh, yeah to fuck Now that I know I can yeah, I know the most common ways to do it as apples. Yeah You've been given you eat the apple you get the knowledge of pie Yeah, yeah, I'm as now that I'm like, oh my god, I know how to make pie Yeah, and then I get booted oh my God, I know how to make pie.

And then I get booted from the only place I know where apples are. What would happen now, do you reckon, if we ate the fruit of knowledge or whatever? Like do we already know everything? Oh, we'd be so smart, dude. No, but we just know things that we didn't want to know. Or do we know, cause Adam and Eve ate the apple,

like we've already got it. No, no, no, that's what I mean. Like we already have it. So what if we ate another? You're talking like what? We ate another apple? Genetic memory is all the way down. No, no, no. No, no, no. That's what I mean. Like we already have it. So what if we ate another? You're talking like what? If we ate another apple? If we have like genetic memories all the way down.

No, no, no, no, no. Because even how to eat the apple, they get the knowledge of sin and shit like that. Yeah, it is passed on. It's not like reading a book. It's like they unlocked fucking something. Are you thinking maybe we unlock something new? Fucking to.

Well, I've always had this thought, you know, when you're a kid, and I think I've expressed this on Pots before, when you're a kid, you don't know about fucking. But it's referenced in media. So you have like this thing, you see as a kid, you're like, why are Homer and Marge in bed all the time? What are they up to? What are they doing in there? Then you learn about fucking.

And you're like, oh, that was like a secret for me to unlock. And I always wondered, like when I hit like 50 Is there gonna be some other thing that no one's telling me about I'll let you know that I'm gonna find out Yeah, you'll find out first, you know pissing becomes harder due to an engorged prostate Happens gradually so you don't really notice but then all of a sudden one day you're like shooting out a fucking sad dribble sad dribble And you're like damn out of fucking sad dribble sad dribble, and you're like damn. I guess this is growing up Okay, so what what's difficult about raising the son of God well I mean the king immediately tries to kill him, but the wise men have you back, and they don't tell you what's going on So you don't really tell me what's going on. No. They don't tell the you what's going on. So you don't really need to- They don't tell me what's going on? No, they don't tell the king what's going on.

So then the murder isn't- Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not like you don't have to fight off Roman soldiers. Yeah, thank God. You might need to put him under a blanket or something. Oh yeah, yeah. He's hiding it. They scream, babies scream a lot.

I disguise him as a little man. Ooh. A way in a man- Well, I mean, also he's in a manger. So like the Roman soldiers probably aren't checking for children I was initially gonna try and buy that The hotel the hotel. Hmm. Yeah, maybe that's not good Yeah, maybe this is why you put in the manger because like a baby crying and say next to say

Donkey or a mule or a Hini. Yeah, yeah doing a whinny. Oh It just sounds like animal noise like what so you full-on live in the manger. Yeah, maybe I'm like an animal boy. Yeah, okay You let Jesus be raised by wolves But in this case, it's the barnyard Well, I mean um, obviously your new dad, yeah, when can a baby eat hay Well, usually around about, I would argue, when they're about a six months to a year old. Okay, they can eat hay.

All right, well they can start solids now. Is it solids at the six months or is it a year? No, six, I think it's six months. Six months, we're not there yet. Okay. Yeah, six months, they can start eating solids. Okay, well hay's a solid, dude. I'm just thinking, you know,

if your baby's living the mule life, he's gonna be eating hay, donkey juice. I mean, donkey milk. No, no, no, donkey juice. Talking about that donkey juice. Which I'm assuming is a lot more potent than say, you know, human juice. Yeah, oh, absolutely.

I don't think you meant to, yeah, you don't meant to give like cow milk really to like a baby up until like, and I feel like donkey milk is more potent than cow milk. But again, if you're doing it from birth, I'm not breastfeeding, I'm sorry. I know breast is best, but Fed is best, and he is fed well on mule.

Yeah, exactly. In a way he's breastfeeding the mule's breasts, in a way. So mule actually, yeah, it's, look, mule breast is best. Yeah, yeah, that's what they say. That's what all the mother blogs, all the mommy blogs say, mule breast is best. It's organic. Can mules going, circling back to the conversation though

about mules not being able to reproduce. Does that mean that they lactate? Okay, raised by donkey, or is it like if you just start sucking, we trick the mule brain physiologically to start producing. Brain really wanted to see if you start sucking the milk or start common or something It felt like it should be Jackson! I sucked the mule off Oh no

Jackson! That was the wrong donkey Jackson I got tricked By who? The donkey Smash Mouth Tricked me into sucking off a mule God damn it

Mule's got this big grin on his face You sneaky mule You cheeky mule. Tricks me into sucking you up. I thought you were a jackass, but you were a, no, I thought you were a Jenny, but you were a jackass. Yeah, okay. Well, yeah, we'll milk the mule and or donkey. Yeah, yeah.

Feed the baby lots. What else is in that little manger? I think it's like pigs, mules, donkeys, horses. I'll look up the lyrics to Away in the Manger. Yeah, smart, good idea. The idea of at the lyrics to Away in the Manger. Yeah, smart idea. The idea of a little baby there suckling like a pig, like a sad, just lying down there, and a bunch of little pigs there, and one baby.

I like that. I think it's cute. It's holy. Plus he's got like divine Lord through him. Yeah, I don't think you can, I think, you know, cause Jesus, well, the crucifixion. Okay, question about the crucifixion. Okay, question about the crucifixion. Well, we're waiting 33 years.

Yeah, exactly, but my question about that, was that gonna happen or was that a thing that like kind of happened incidentally and Jesus was like, well, I can die for your sin. No, no, no, no, no, no. So the whole time Jesus is alive, God's like, hey, like you're gonna have to like- You're gonna, this is gonna happen to you. People ain't no good brother and you're gonna have to like- This is gonna happen to you.

It's destiny. People ain't no good brother and you're gonna have to die for them. Okay. To teach them a lesson. Okay, so that's locked in. Cause he kinda tries to, there's parts of the Bible where he gets a bit dark

and he tries to like fight it a little bit. Yeah. And then he goes to the desert for 40 days and 40 nights. Meets the devil. Chats to a bush. Yeah. Meets the devil. No, I think Moses chats to a bush. I think they both chat meets a bush. Yeah, yeah

Bush on fire is classic God Flaming bush Jesus curses a fig tree. That's pretty that's pretty sick. He brings that guy back to life Lazarus he walked from water Fights those moneylenders. Yeah, tip over the table. Yeah, he goes in the temple and cracks those wine classic wine when, yeah, tipped over the table. Yeah, he goes into the temple and cracks those shoes. Oh, he's so fierce. Water into wine, classic Jesus. When he, yeah, he walks out to the ship on really rough seas to calm the boys. Yeah, yeah. He also-

Cures the blind, I think, at some point. Feeds- Hangs out with lepers. Yeah, yeah. Feeds 5,000 with two loads of bread and a fish. Yeah. He gets Thomas to put his fingers in his holes. That's true.

That's right. Silly doubting Thomas. You idiot doubting Thomas. You can sus the holes without even making it a big deal, Thomas. You don't have to touch them. Yeah. But look, I mean, I'm not doubting, but I want to touch the holes.

Yeah, but well, that's okay. I'm sure honestly, if you were just like, hey Jesus, my name's Thomas, believing Thomas, that's crazy you're back from the dead. Can I touch your holes yeah he'd be like my son of course yeah okay so the best day of my life fuck I'm so glad my guys back and I got the finger the hole mmm my hand just went straight through his hand then you crazy gonna sound weird but can you like clap oh I can just kind of like do one of like you know can I just like circle both holes. Oh the clap would sound crazy. Yeah. It's funny you're

imagine putting my finger in the hole and then two fingers. Stop stretching out Jesus' hole. But then getting my wrist caught in his hand. I have to go to a guy put some butter on there. I fisted his hole. I fisted Jesus' what do do you call it? Hand model. Hand model, yeah. So away in the manger, no crib for a bed, the little Lord Jesus laid down his sweet head. Okay, that's awesome, so we just know he's sweet. Stars in the bright sky, looked down for a lay, the little Lord Jesus asleep on the hay.

Okay. The cattle are lowing. Cows. The baby awakes, but little Lord Jesus, no crying he makes. So he's a chill baby. Ah, chill baby, wow. I But little Lord Jesus, no crying he makes. So he's a chill baby. I love you Lord Jesus. Full sense of security day one, that's all I'm saying.

That's fine. What have you learnt about baby Jesus Christ? I just forgot how this song ends. I love you Lord Jesus, look down from the sky and stay by my side until morning is nigh. Be near me Lord Jesus, I ask you to stay. None of it helps us, but it's just, bless all the dear children in your tender care and fit us for heaven to live with you

there. Just sounds like the song ends with like, kill children. When Jesus grows up, what happens to the Virgin Mary and Joseph? Are they there for Jesus? Yeah, Jesus. Mary is the person who finds that Jesus' tomb is empty. Okay. Like both Mary's go to visit him. Mary Magdalene and Mary, mother. Yeah, yeah. So when you're watching your adult son sort of start to heal the sick and walk on water.

You've got to remember that Mary's spoken to God a shit ton beforehand. Like she starts getting visions, well visions. Visions? Yeah, visions. Premonitions. Yeah. Before like she starts getting visions well visions visions God is like hey, here's the deal. Yeah, you are without sin, and you were going to bear the son of God tight Sorry, I just opened up the Jesus Wikipedia first paragraph Chill and then second paragraph just starts with Jesus was circumcised at eight days old Whoa nice. We're not doing that. Yeah. Yeah, we're not searching Jesus. Yeah, but his four. Yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, we don't need to keep that whole thing. Come on. I mean you do amazing. We got to keep the whole thing Yeah, we're keeping the like tradition. Yeah. Yeah, we're keeping Jesus's foreskin as a as a as a four e-list person

That's it. It's a it sucks. It sounds like neat to have one. It's fabulous to have a foreskin. It feels really good. Love a four-e. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. But then also like Jesus ain't dick, he ain't fucking, you know? Yeah. I mean, he might. Allegedly he did. I don't care if he does.

Yeah. Do you care about baby as an adult? As sex? No. No. Well, yeah, I mean, if he's dying a big virgin, I mean, well, I'm a virgin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The virgin's Amid. Are you Mary Mag,

Not Mary Magdalene, Mary Magdalene was a sex worker. So God gets very funny to have a vision of God, and he's like, Joe's Amid, you've lived with that sin, so I'm gonna impregnate you with baby Jesus. You're like, wait, wait, wait. How's this gonna work? Empreg Jesus. Okay, tight. Yeah, but when Jesus starts to perform miracles,

are you just gonna support him the whole way? Like, what's the thinking here? Well, it'd be kind of like, yeah, yeah, of course. I was thinking the same. Well, we're thinking how we... All right, that's great that you're doing this, and I understand you're doing this for all of God reasons. But also, where do we live? Do we live somewhere nice? How many other kids do we have? Bethlehem, right? Yeah, no, but the house you know, God reasons. But also, where do we live? Do we live somewhere nice? How many other kids do we have?

Yeah, no, but the house. No, you're poor. Oh yeah, yeah, poor as fuck. Yeah, Jesus, baby, bubby. Jesus, okay, remember that Jesus does go work with, that period of time where we don't really hear jack shit. He's becoming a carpenter, yeah? He becomes a carpenter, he gets baptized.

Like all that stuff happens when he's like a young man. He's just like a regular baby for a while, or a regular kid for a while. Yeah, okay Well, that's I mean, I wish I could find a fucking yeah, you know miracles those kind of things I'm gonna like well, we make some money. It's like, you know, hey, let's not make it a bit I'll make it a big show. Yeah, that's like keeping the DL for a sec now now. It's just like So that water into wine. I don't feel like that's the place where the, that's money in the bank. That's money.

We know where our river is. We can get some water. All you gotta do is you gotta buy a house and you gotta say, yeah, we're making wine in the basement. Exactly. You just can't come see our process. Exactly.

And actually what we're doing is we're just turning water into wine and we're selling it. Exactly. And it's, you know, what happened? We know, we say that, oh yeah, we have a relative or whatever that have a vineyard somewhere. You don't know. Exactly. Whatever, it's fine. And then we got a big shipment. Shut up. No overheads, baby Zero because it's all the water comes in the water gets turned into wine

We sell it and then we can live comfortably until baby Jesus gets I mean adult Jesus gets crucified at the end How how I guess early do I know that he can start doing miracles because I think that you got to get him quick What is his first miracle? I finally found what I've been looking for this whole episode, which is a timeline. Obviously because like the gospels, like, cause Jesus pops up in not just Christianity. Yeah, yeah.

He's all over everywhere. It's just like what he is is different in different religions. But I found a timeline and even though the gospels are all over the place, it's like a vague thing. And one thing I forgot is, Joseph, Mary, and Jesus run away for 10 years.

Basically. They go to Egypt. Is it gonna escape Herod, yeah? Ah, makes sense. Okay, well, I guess we're not staying in the main year. Not buying that hotel. Then he gets home alone accidentally. They lose him for three days.

Oopsie daisies. What happens in that period accidentally. They lose him for three days. Oopsie daisy. What happens? What happens? In that period of time. So they go to Jerusalem. Did he kill two crooks? When he's 12, yeah, they go back to Jerusalem for Passover. They then head home and they've accidentally

left Jesus behind. They return to look for him after three days of finding him in the temple. Oh no, we forgot Jesus. That's such a funny, the son of God, we accidentally left him behind. Which means we got other kids. That's gotta be like, yeah, exactly. Just cause you're doing a head count and you're like, yeah, whatever, 13 kids. One of them went and did it in the back.

One of them is going to be Jesus. We're not going to forget Jesus. Hit in the car. Then they find him in the temple. Yep. He's yelling at them, at them being like, oh, well, no, isn't he doing sermon? He's doing sermons temple. Yep. And he's yelling at them at them being like you know, he's need doing sermon He's doing sermons. Yeah, everyone who heard him was amazed at his understanding and his answers and when Mary challenges him about his absence Jesus replies, did you know I had to be in my father's house, which is the first time he acknowledges that he knows that he's I'm presuming about I didn't tell him that. Yeah, okay.

I know that God's been calling up me and telling me stuff. Now he's talking to him. I got a special host, baby. Then there is a 20 year gap where there is no stories about Jesus. Yeah, okay. Some people believe he went to Tibet. And then.

Chatted the Buddha for a little bit. Yeah. That's nice. Yeah, cause in, yeah, in the Buddhist text Jesus like that story is in it. I'm pretty sure maybe I know it's in like the Quran and yeah Stuff like that, but I just know that there's some people who are like yeah This is what he went out and visited all the other religions. Yeah After he died does that's that one village in Japan where they're like, yeah, he died,

he put another guy on the crucifix and he came here and we have his grave right here. That's awesome. I hope that's true. That's my belief. Um. All right, all right, all right. Apparently at 30 years old is when he does

his first miracle, which is turning water into wine. That seems late. That does seem late. Well, it depends on, I mean. I don't know. I can't explain that. In does seem late. And also, I don't know. I can't explain that. Yeah.

In the first version of the gospel, though, he doesn't do any miracles and doesn't come back from the dead. That's so funny. That's just like, yeah. He's a bit special, but not that special. Yeah. Oh, maybe there is the water into wine

and that's the only one. That's impressive. Like he's, there's like no miracles, basically. That's so funny. And then they added, they went back to that gospel and added a couple more. We're gonna spice it up. Yeah, we gotta make it sexy for the new listeners.

I think it's Mark. Readers, sorry, sorry, sorry. I was talking about this podcast. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We gotta make it sexy for new listeners. We gotta go back and add some miracles. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so the gospel of Mark originally just had Jesus

getting nailed to a cross. It was like, boom, boom, the end. Yeah, yeah. But then they went Yeah, so the gospel of Mark originally just had Jesus getting nailed to a cross. It was like, boom, boom, the end. Yeah, yeah. But then they went back and they added a little bit extra. And they're like, and he came back! You know, if somebody gave that original one to me, I'd be like, well, why, he's just fucking died? And then I guess they gotta be like,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. He came back and hung out with youths in white and then flew back to heaven or whatever. What do you think, like, knowing that your baby is gonna get crucified, but it's for the good of humanity. It's gonna absolve us of original sin. That's the thing though.

It's like, when you first have that, maybe you're like, okay, that's fair enough. I understand this is my divine duty, as it were. And this happens and I have like this child. But the moment that you have the child, it's no longer just like this idea that the divine is telling me that I'm going to be raising this sacrificial lamb.

I would then be like, I know that, but I'm now going to protect him. And I would do everything to be like, well, I think it's like, okay, we have to run away because we have to avoid. Herod, the Roman soldiers. So I think we're traveling people now, and we're just gonna keep going. Yeah, oh dude,'re gonna we're gonna we're traveling people. Yeah, okay, and we're just gonna keep going Yeah, I do maybe we had to to bet maybe

Cuz I have a whole idea a bit there of like a we leave because we're gonna avoid that and and then we just gotta Keep going because I'm like I know that if we go back there. Yeah, you know You know, it's gonna but presumably Jesus hits an ag where he's like brother dad ago. I gotta go get crucified Why do you I gotta do it dude son of God? Yeah, but I don't make the rules. You're not gonna really die I'm just gonna go to heaven, but you do make them know that and you're gonna start. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Why do you need to do? I'll suffer very briefly It's getting very you think you're gonna be you You know what they do, why the crucifixion is not- Yeah, wait, we know.

I don't think Jesus knows he's gonna get nailed to a cross when he knows he's gonna die. It's gonna be a brief, I'm gonna what? It's gonna be quick. I'm gonna what? It's gonna be quick like this, dude. Hello? Brother, son, my boy.

Dads, what? You are traditionally referred to as the suffering servant. Why, it says who, who's saying that? People are saying that? Yeah, you're the suffering servant. By says who, who says that? People are saying that? Yeah, you're the suffering servant. But I haven't suffered at all. I just like brought that, you remember I made that guy, he could see again?

I did the thing where I walked on the sea. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. When do I suffer? So the whole like, you know, being, I guess, when you die for the humanity's sins. Pretty big deal. Very big deal. And I guess there needs to be a certain level of I guess

Pain ritual right I'm assuming. I don't know okay Romans a weird man Yeah, but then I come back the shit out of you. Yeah, a crown of the thorn look. It's gonna carry a big It's gonna suck. I do admit that but so these god powers if you could you could... what if we... hey for example, you know you're like, I gotta carry this big cross. What if we like... Taxes was going to who your family went to for their taxes. Only to wonder if that's the best thing for you. Now taxes is getting expert help for $20 if you're 25 or younger. So you can be 100% Acas powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Have you ever finished a book and just needed to talk about it immediately or

wanted to know the wildest research an author has done for a book or even what book talk books are actually worth your time? Hi, I'm Morgan book. Yes, that is actually my last name. And this is Off the Shelf, my new podcast that covers everything related to books. Each Thursday, I chat with other bookworms and authors, or sometimes it's just me rambling about my latest book obsession. From book to screen updates to hot takes on new releases, and of course, our monthly book club discussions, I've got you covered. So get your TBR list ready and listen to Off the Shelf wherever you get your podcasts. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere.

Acast.com. Buffed you up or something? Yeah, okay. I mean, I'm gonna get ripped. Can you do that? I'm gonna get ripped. I think one thing that might help you, because it kind of goes bad and other versions is maybe you're gonna be tested a lot and

There's gonna be points. We crack the shits. Okay, that doesn't bode well for you Get snarky at one point and it's not a good idea You're telling me not to get snarky? Well you spend all your life being like I'm the son of man. Yeah. And then you were called the son of God. And then when Pontius Pilate is, are you the son of God? Then you kind of sigh and say, I am what you say.

I am what you say I am. I am as you say I am. That's right. And they're gonna free Barabbas or whatever. And that you really want them to free you. Yeah. That's really good. Barabbas, Barabbas the rapper. That's really good. Um, Barabba. Barabba the rapper.

Yeah, there's something there. Barabbas the... Rappers? Uh, anyway, yeah, no, dads, I gotta get crucified. It's okay, I'm chill with it. I'm chill with it, dude. I'm gonna get crucified, uh, it's gonna be awesome,

and then I'm gonna go in a cave for three days, three nights, I come out, I go to heaven, and I get to chill with God. Who's my real dad? There's Joseph, oh okay, okay. Yeah, I don't consider you my real dad. You raised me but that doesn't count. I mean he's God, I mean obviously,

but Joseph he'd raise count. I mean, he's God. I mean, obviously, but you know, Joseph he'd raise you I guess He told you how to work as a carpenter. He gave you a profession. He took us in when no one else would. He's not my biological dad. That's God. Yeah, I Understand that but so anyway, so you have some respect for anyway, I'm gonna get crucified It's gonna it's gonna suck sure But like I'm doing it for the right reason. So, okay. So why don't I'm sure why don't we this go right now? Why don't we just go traveling? Sure, and that will win a three. I got a day with destiny. You gotta understand that Yeah, okay, you know I get to go to heaven. It's tight. Okay

Your final words are my god my god. Why have you forsaken me? Yeah? Oh, you know it's gonna be painful, but I'm gonna be pissed off That bombs people out so they change it to father into your hands. I commend my spirit well they go Forgive them father they do not know what they do yeah, I'll say that shit, too. I'll be saying all kinds of shit Yeah, I got the time It's a while. I'll be up there a while man. Anyway, so I guess yeah before we hear okay, you got David Dostoevsky. That's fine. Yeah, I guess put it on the calendar I would try to be traveling with you. Yeah, and I guess Joseph and

if we have any other kids and and and I guess not directly trying to influence you to not be this aggri- You gotta do it. That's why I was born man. Indirectly do that. But I think that that moment where you start to do with like those miracles and stuff you're like, ah, so much. Water into wine, bitch.

And that's how I'm paying for our past. Lazarus, brother, welcome back. From the dead, dude. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. I'm sick of these money lenders. Yeah I'm gonna flip a table. I'm so pissed off at them. Yeah, they've turned your father's house into a casino or something. Yeah, they've turned my dad's house, my real dad's house into a casino. But your dad would love a casino, I reckon which one real dad or fake dad. I Mean if Joseph had a casino in his honor, maybe he'd be chill with it. He might be yeah, but no Yeah, I'm like, did he build the casino? Yeah with his carpentry skills

I think it was like a well-built casino. He'd be like, that's pretty cool. Mm-hmm true. Mm-hmm But then when the Romans come for me, I say hey guys. Yeah. Yeah, let's get it over with And then I go up to the crucifix, get crucified. You're gonna do the whole labors or whatever. Labors, no, that's Hercules. Stations? You're thinking of Hercules. Stations of the Cross.

Yeah, he's thinking of Hercules. Yeah, I'm thinking of Hercules. Stations of the Cross is, you're thinking right. Yeah, I don't know what that is. Stations, do you wanna hear what they are? Yeah, yeah. Is this shit I gotta do on the way? Well, yeah, like on the way to the,

be knocked home. It sounds like an asshole. Hung you back. Strung up? Yeah, strung up, nailed to the cross. Crucified. Condemned to death is one, so that's an easy one. That was, it's easy.

Okay. Easy. So you're gonna die, I got one. Okay, you gotta cop it. All this shit's happening to me. Yeah, dude. I thought I was condemning someone to death. That was crazy.

Jesus is condemned to death is one. Jesus takes up his cross is two. Jesus falls for the first time. Oh fuck. Yeah. It's not really right. Yeah. So get this, it's not really raising.

Like how, yeah. Yeah, this is dying. This is you dying. But I guess, yeah, if you, if you, with the knowledge that you're raising a sacrificial lamb, yeah, what are you doing? Are you doing the same thing, or are you like, ah? It's weird that Mary's kind of,

like, so Jesus is 12 when she finds him in the temple. It's weird that she's a little chastising of him, like being like, what you doing? It's like. Well, I guess at that point, you're like, I know I understand that the whole like you know, sexual and whatever But like it but 12 years old you like oh, maybe maybe it's not maybe he's not maybe he's not coming for him anymore 12 years has passed. Maybe now we don't And actually it's all fine maybe God is chill now and we And we don't have to raise a little sacrificial lamb baby.

It's 30 years old first miracle. 30 years old is the first time you really get any indication you're raising, like that's a God baby. Prior to that, it's just visions. You can just assume you were fucked in the head. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Which I would, cause I wouldn't want to have the belief that I'm raising a God baby, you know? Well, I like the belief that I'm raising a god baby, you know? I like the idea of I'm raising a god baby, but it's the more of the like, cause my baby is a very special little boy. That's gonna, you know, do everything. He's got to what?

He's got to what? He's got to kill it. No, no, no, no, no, no. You're like, I'm raising a god baby. Yeah. And I'm like, to what end? Like, what is he going to rule the world? What's he doing?

Do you know why Jesus turned the water into wine? Why? It's for a party. Mary asked him to. Mary asked him to. Hey! And then everybody was like, this is good ass wine. Yeah.

Damn dude, this wine's fucking unreal. Yeah. Tastes like God made it. Okay, okay. That's crazy, cause that wine like, you know, like wine has a flavor profile based on like the grapes and where it's grown. But like that one-

It's based on the divine. Yeah, it's just like, there's nothing. It's not like you could be like where the grapes come from Jesus like there were no grapes there's a wine it's a grape plus wine yeah well it's divine right yeah so it'd be like the idea of wine right shut the fuck up yeah it'd be like you know whatever the like you your ideal wine is the idea of wine. Yeah. It's the perfect wine based on the perfect grape. Well, because he's infallible. He can't, he can't make bad wine. He can't miss. He can't miss.

Yeah. JC cannot miss dude. He'd make, you know, the perfect wine. I think if I knew he was gonna- He fucks up sometimes. Yeah. When? When? Um, he can't miss. He can't miss dude. He's infallible. I don't think he can. He cracks the shits. Yeah, but that's okay. He's not fucking up though. Yeah. When? When? You can't miss. He can't miss. He's infallible. He cracks the shits. Yeah, but that's okay. He's not fucking up though. He's just, it's frustrating. Cracking the shits is fucking up. But it's a lot of pressure to be Jesus. Oh yeah, I

get that. That's kind of his whole deal. Like it sucks to do what he's doing. I think if I knew my baby was going to sacrifice and save humanity, like that's a pretty big deal. So I'd just be like- It would be really hard to get attached. Well, I probably wouldn't. Well, as in like, you would get attached, but as in like. I should probably be like, boy, when you're of 33 years of age, they're gonna fucking keep you.

Brother, you're nothing up. So enjoy the time you fucking got, dude. Bust out those miracles earlier. Yeah, I reckon. What was the, I guess the rough, I guess the life expectancy of that era? Oh, that's a good question. Because if I'm, how old would I be as a sweet virgin Zammet

for giving birth? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How old am I at this point? Am I like 14? Good question. 16. Oh! Don't think I'm 20. No, how old?

Cause I'm fairly certain that like, you know, it'd be quite on the youngest side of things. Yeah, presumably. 20 years old or between 14 and 20 depending. Yeah. So yeah. Same. Yeah.

So, but assumingly like, you know, it's like- Wait, what'd you say the average age was? No, I said that- How old was Mary? Mary was between 14 to 20 apparently, allegedly. I had 16 in my head for some reason. But the life expectancy, like if you are, you know, healthy and you know, well off,

or like just even just like living a chill life, it's not that much worse than it is now. Okay. So 30 is pretty like, ah. Yeah. 30 is early. So the average lifespan was 35, but that was because of infant mortality.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because they always skews it in the wrong direction. But yeah, so like, Yeah. I'm looking at a list of like, Yeah. Heirs to Alexander the Great, and they all lived between 60 and.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, so like, if I'm like, oh, my boy gonna die at 30, I know that's, that and they all lived between 60 and yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right So like if I'm like, I'm my boy gonna die at 30. I know that's that's that's young. That's a tragedy Yeah, that's young that sucks. It would be so funny if Jesus died at 70 So yeah, they're like well, I mean, yeah, it's not a big deal. There would be the stages of grief There would be like the anger that the denial over that but and if there was like finally to acceptance, it would be the, if I know that I, this is an uphill battle.

And whereas like, I understand that like, this is like, you know, spoken to the divine, the divine has come down to me, this is it. Of course there would be the initial rebelling. There would be this, all this rebelling, well I'm gonna raise this child. But the moment he's turned 12 and now he's like, I'm in God, I'm in my father's house doing this, I'm like, shit.

Shit. I'm like. Then there's the bargaining. It becomes real again. It becomes real again, and there's that kind of bargaining, and then there's the kind of like, well, we'll just go. We'll travel, we'll leave, let's go. Do all these kinds of things back and forth,

until the finally acceptance will be like, I can't fight this, because I'm presuming, like most things when it comes to fate and the stories and that, every time you try and do one thing'll something will have to move you back to that way You know your the real thing you stop Jesus from getting crucified. Yeah, we've all got original sin still I'm a way dick move. I know I'm a selfish man But also she doesn't really accept it until he's already on the cross He probably would like she's just like yeah, she's like weeping both Mary's have a real shit one Well, I think it would be kind of like having a celebrity baby in a way

Well, but I was gonna say my attitude to this would be bad because like with a nap with a real baby Johnny baby, for example. Yeah, you got to look after them Yeah, like really well because like like that way people can like, you gotta look after them, like really well, because like, people can, you can make a couple of parenting mistakes or whatever, and like, but like- There's a margin for error, but it's pretty small with a baby here. But if you've got Jesus, you're like, well, you know- He's pre-ordained to die at 33. Yeah, and even like, you know what, he's real day into diet 33

He's gonna be raised by donkey Like if he rolls over or whatever yeah, I can sleep through the night like he's not gonna starve to death or shit himself Yeah, fuck you imagine. I'm like oh whatever. He's crying. You know I'm ignoring it Then just like you see a couple of angels. Yeah, him up, rock him, looking at you as they bottle feeding. You piece of shit. You're like, well yeah, he's fucking God's baby. I shouldn't have to look after him. Milk in a bottle, are you from the future? They're like, yeah, we're feeding our baby future milk.

Plus, like if I- Do your job, why? What's gonna happen? You're gonna divine intervention again? And look after this baby? Good, Ethan. I guess I could die. Yeah.

But I'm also thinking, say like Jesus, 12 years old, he's like, dad, I'm gonna climb this really tall fence and play on it. All right, like whatever like if he falls off and dies What just happened early? Original sin because he falls off a seesaw Dad can I climb in this like rusty? Yeah Fuck it get in a bit of rust on you to just warm you up for what's gonna happen in 30 years. I guess you don't want him to get sick. Because then, you know, he's waiting 30 years,

but unwell, and then they put him in the crucifix. Yeah, also, I feel there will be some consequences befalling upon us. To neglect baby Jesus. When Jesus on the cross and you're at home, it's like, well, I've been ready for this day. I don't need to watch, whatever dude. Jesus just comes, when he comes back out of the cave, just comes and punches you in the back of the head.

Cause there's that like, I guess the temptation there to be like, well, you know, you are preordained to do all of this. I'm just gonna chill. And that is lovely to think about. That is really, really nice to have a thing that you could just sleep through the night. Absolutely. That's a wonderful thought.

What the hell, who cares what Jesus does? That's appealing. I love him, man. I just found out that Jesus is a cunt to his mom, though. Yeah. What's he do? He only, in the gospels, you only ever hear Jesus talk to Mary once,

and it's in John, and he doesn't call her mother, he calls her woman. Oh my God. We raised the little cunt, dude. God damn. Although apparently- He's calling Joseph not his real dad and his mom. Yeah, calling his mother woman?

That's crazy. We raised the wrong- We raised the wrong little boy. Shouldn't have given him the donkeys. No, yeah, that was probably a mistake. No, yeah, the donkey milk made him disrespectful. It's very funny, like, you know, Howard's like, I must kill this boy.

And we're like, yeah, dude. He's invincible go ahead Why would I run away? Oh? Your swords gonna break over his little baby head and then everyone's gonna call you was army That's too weak to kill a baby. Yeah, then God comes down. He's like where's Jesus and you're like you should have told me If you were so good Assumptions you should have great news God. It's done. It should have made that. So great news, God, it's done. You should have made that clear. It's done, we sorted it.

What's done? It's a question of sins, God. We don't sin anymore or whatever? In 33 years, that's not happened yet. Right. And that's the only way that, that's the only way that that could happen. Are you sure though?

Cause like, what if, you know, say a soldier came. What if it like, what if like, just like hypothetically it happened a little earlier? Which God? Where you going? I killed your boy. Yeah, accident. Well, I didn't kill him. I just had this assumption he was invincible.

Yeah, I thought the sword would bounce off. Yeah, it was like, you know how it sliced through his head like butter. Yeah, like you can't blame me for having that assumption. You should have given me the parameters before we even fucking did this. Yeah, cause you were like, he's got a knife in his head. Yeah, I was like, I'm gonna kill you. I'm gonna kill you. I'm gonna kill you.

I'm gonna kill you. I'm gonna kill you. I'm gonna kill you. I'm gonna kill you. I'm gonna kill you. I'm gonna kill you. I'm gonna kill you. You know how it flies through his head like butter. Yeah, like you can't blame me for having that assumption You should have given me the parameters before we even fucking did this Yeah, cuz you were like he's got to die for our sins. Yeah, and it's gonna happen. I figured you'd be like, you know Protecting him. He's not you or whatever Surely we can try again like yeah with a new boy. Are you immune to swords? Hey, do we get to name him? Yes.

Did he come down and they were like, this is your baby Jesus, this is Jesus. Or was it born and I was like, oh, hey, let's name him after my grandpa or whatever. You know, my dad or I've always liked the name. The angel Gabriel named Jesus. That's fucked up. That's Gabriel's father.

Yeah, okay. Yeah. I always like the name Jesus if you're thinking liked the name. The angel Gabriel named Jesus. That's fucked up. That's Gabriel's father. Yeah, okay. Yeah. I always liked the name Jesus if you're thinking for a name. I was just saying. Feels like you'd want me to name him Jesus. No, it's your choice. Yeah, and I know you're saying,

I understand this, you've come to me, I'm gonna get pregnant, it's gonna be great, I'm gonna have a little baby boy. It's gonna be like, you know, the savior of mankind, the sin and I can, and you're saying I should name him or I have to name him. Yeah, like, can you be clear because like I've made this mistake before I need specific yeah like yeah if I can name him I'm gonna call

him Greg yeah yeah after my grandfather obviously where does Christ come from is that also the angel are they saying this boy is Jesus Christ or is it Mary Christ well my my yeah is it Jesus Is it Mary Christ? Well, my, my, yeah. Is it Jesus Bailey? My grandfather Greg and Joseph's grandfather Chris. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you can see. He'll be Greg Christ if you don't intervene here.

Or Christos? Yeah. You know? Just give me some parameters. You gotta let me know what's going on. I don't know why this is surprising to me, but Joseph is a saint? Yeah, of course.

Oh yeah. Saint Joseph. He's got the patience. Yeah. To deal with all that. You don't hear people say this. You're not my real dad. Mmm. That's fine. Yeah, it's got the patience. Yeah Real dad Okay kid now this is how you bang in a nail Chair whatever fake dad dad guys my real dad. I'm gonna die 33. Yeah, dude, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, let's take a 10 minute break.

So you got 20 years to make some cash. Yeah. So how about you just pay attention to my- I know at 33 you're gonna die. Yeah, yeah, you can keep- But you're 13 now, okay? You keep yapping on about it. Hey, buddy can't wait, okay?

Yeah. But you're gonna have to fucking build a couple of tables between then and now. Yeah Okay, I'm your legal father according to the old documents So at least pay attention. Yeah Okay, this is a hoist yeah, whatever dude I'm not gonna raise my hand to you because I might get struck by lightning But I'm thinking I would love to

because I might get struck by lightning. But I would love to. The only thing stopping me from whacking you about is divine retribution. Okay? He does have the patience of a saint. You're right, dude. I couldn't do it. So yes, I think, yeah, raising Jesus, a lot of it would be coming from like, yeah,

if it gets all preordained, there's not much you could be doing. Because even if you're trying to be like, I'm gonna raise him godless, I'm gonna raise him a complete atheist, whatever, it's clearly if I'm getting the visions of the Lord, he's gonna come to Jesus. Hard to not believe in God.

I know this is the same mistake Doubting Thomas made, but hard to not believe in God if God is come to Jesus. Hard to not believe in God. I know this is the same mistake doubting Thomas made, but hard to not believe in God if God is talking to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Seeing those visions, you're like, ah-ha. I guess I've got a fucking- But I do, yeah, as opposed to getting, I guess, the acceptance won't be when he's on the cross. I think the best would be trying to get

to that acceptance early. So you're like, I know I have as limited time as possible with my boy. So I'm going to treasure that as much as I humanly can. And I would just kind of use that time to kind of, yeah, spend that time with them. I think I would spend my time bragging. Yeah. Nice.

Hey, you see my boy? That's God's son. And they'd be like, God fucked your wife? I'd be like, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no no no I will fuck my wife when we get married she's still currently a virgin she's just pregnant and she's not in the mood right now okay but that's it is God's boy it's God's boy who's my boy I'm gonna be the legal dad but illegal'm the legal father. He's not my biological, I haven't fucked yet. Yeah. I hear it's good. Hey man, just a little, the bragging isn't working.

You're fucking this. Well, it's a real like, it's a real kick in the teeth because Joseph doesn't even live long enough to outlive Jesus. Joseph is dead by the time the crucifixion happened. What? When did he die? It's not even notable. Doesn't even get a mention in the Bible the crucifixion happened. What? That stinks, dude. When did he die? It's not even notable.

Doesn't even get a mention in the Bible. In that 20 years though. Yeah. Okay. Oh, poor Joseph. Off he goes. That's crazy, dude. It's, I mean.

An aneurysm. Yeah, so frustrated by his annoying son. Can't tell you off. Can't do nothing. Okay. Can't do nothing. Keep saying I'm not his real dad. Yeah. Dad, dead from an aneurysm. I can't tell you off, such a blaze, son.

This is sick. And I wanted to do this. This is great. Joseph may have been insanely old as well. Yeah, he probably was. People in the Bible lived to like 800. No, as in? As in like he was just old.

Like as in like berries between like 12 and 20. Oh yeah, that makes sense too. But Joseph might've been like 50. Yeah, yeah. Well then he would die earlier I guess. Yeah, honestly I think it would be easier. Joseph married Mary when he was 33. Yeah, yeah that makes sense.

I think it'd be so much easier for you if Jesus was a dog. Dog Christ, okay. Because then it's just like you just raise a dog normal style. Yeah, you don't have to explain anything. And then he gets crucified. He's fucked up doing that to a dog. His arms don't do that.

Yeah. Well, he's coming back. That's going to be worse though. Cause when Jesus comes back, Jesus knows what's going on. Dog comes back. No, it doesn't know what happened. The resurrection of a dog is bad. They call you the son of God. Is this true? The resurrection of a dog is bad. They call you the son of God.

Is this true? Kill that dog. Violently. A dog with a crown of thorns. Rubbing peanut butter in his gum. So it's like, seed is mocking us. Nom nom nom. Kill that dog.

I think that's awesome. Dog running on water. Stop. Someonewah. Mwah. Kill that dog. I think that's awesome. Dog running on water, stop. Someone, oh fuck. The dog just runs away. Yeah. Good night. Turns its water in its bowl into wine. Dog, you shouldn't be doing that.

Actually, maybe dog Christ is more annoying than baby Jesus Christ. Yeah, dude. Yeah. Damn, I thought I cracked it. Like a dog brings people back from the dead. Yeah, yeah, Willy Billy I guess you got to be more in control Jesus. You can just let loose a dog Not really. I feel you shouldn't let either loose

Well, cuz Jesus at least has the wherewithal to be like I'm not gonna resurrect, you know the dead Where do you let him loose? But a dog age? Are you letting Jesus loose? What age are you letting Jesus loose? When he pops out, whatever. So a baby. Yeah. But I still need to raise a baby. But the dog cries if he runs through a cemetery. Yeah, it's a lot of zombies. Everyone's back.

Oh yeah, dude. Baby Jesus, you can just let Rome, whatever. I don't think so. He'll be fine. He's God's boy. He's not gonna kill him, you know. This is how we read it. Is that I have to have a second conversation with Gabriel.

Yeah, that's how I get smote. It's really hard to raise baby Jesus without getting smote. There's also another thing as well you gotta think. Sure, maybe he's, you know, I can let him loose, as you say, and he can do whatever he wants and he's gonna be protected. But what if it's like I've picked you to raise that child because you will do a good job and if I don't, I'm gonna get smoted. If God, there's a lot of fear. If God picked you to raise that child because you will do a good job. And if I don't, I'm gonna get smoted.

If God picked me to raise the child properly, cause he thought I'd be the best for it. That's on him. Yeah, that's true. I mean, that's beat on your head. God's first mistake. When I let the baby loose and it gets eaten by a lion. And God goes out and is like, what the fuck? I'm like, well, bro, you're not paying attention, dude. But I let the baby loose and it gets eaten by a lion

And it's like what the fuck I'm like well bro bro not paying attention dude brother to my dog See like two years ago, I had a dog a whine ate it yeah, this was a possibility You didn't think to maybe make your son a dog. Yeah dog backwards is God God Think about that. Yeah a certain language. What are you doing? It's just interesting to think about. Maybe that your son should be a dog. I think about a dog on a cross, upsetting, but people would maybe stop sinning. Yeah, exactly. A man on a cross. Who cares? We're killing guys all the time. Dog on a cross, that's crazy dude. And then in the future, when you go into like a church and they have the crucifix depicted it'll be a ripped

You know Jesus always has those crazy abs. Yeah, but a dog well, it's usually not abs. It's usually he's usually like Emancipated Jesus. Not emancipated. Yeah, not if I'm real, I'm not there. I'm emancipated. Good. Well, that's a great effort. I guess maybe none of us are going to raise Christ. I mean, sure. I mean, I'm especially bad.

You're bad. I think what ends up happening is Zammat has experience, raises child normal style, but is a bit scared and upset about his impending death. I raise a chill style, which is the pressure is off me a little bit because in my head I'm like, God's not gonna let me drop the baby.

Yeah, of course. You might get smothered second. Yeah, yeah, yeah., drop the baby. Yeah, of course. You might get smoded second. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jack over here is getting smoded. Smoded instantly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As soon as baby Jesus pops out, smokes. I'm not even raising Christ.

I just see the line of people going to Bethlehem and get in line, because I'm like, what's this gonna be? And he smites me down. The little drummer boy is like, I don't have much, but I've got my drum I can play. And I'm like, can that be from both of us? I like that you're going to visit your own baby.

In my mind, I just joined the queue. It's not my son, I'm just there. For the three wise men and Jackson. Yeah, the three wise men and the stupid man. It's from all of us. I picked them up. You know, like how the sweet isn't as sweet without the sour so the wise isn't as wise without the stupid. So you need me.

Frankis has myrrh, gold and these rocks. Yeah that I found in the line. To remind Jesus of earth when he lives in space. Anyway this is from all of us. The rocks, the gold, the frankincense, the merch, from all of us. And my names on it, two of you have a look there. You might not be, but you should be. Just his three wise men and Jakom. Now I'm looking around, I'm like, man,

not much of a spread for a birthday party. Where's the hams? I notice you've got some pigs, but they seem unhammed. Is the food inside? And then you get really smudged because Jesus, I just remember, is a Jew. No ham at this party? What the hell? Or bacon or pork?

No! No cloven animal? No forie? What the hell? What the fuck body is this body's fucked up and baby with no for skin and no hair what the hell dude and I brought all that gold and frankincense and rocks you think I get a little bit of a guy's who sock, what the fuck dude this stinks. Yeah, honey Remember go see what Muhammad's up to Instantly just boots in the same even if you make it to Muhammad unfortunately still no ham

What Jackson Bailey's biblical quest for ham that's my religion Jesus yeah, well not many religions eating ham back in the, you know, 2000 BC or whatever. More ham for me. Jackson, you're 2000 years off. 2000 BC. It's so funny. Hanging around with a bunch of early farmers.

It's the farmer again. Making all of his animals fuck. That's about timeline wise pretty right. Yeah. Oh, you gotta make that horse fuck that pig for special ham? Awesome. Hell yeah.

I love the main ham. You're trying to create the first ham that's not a sin. Yeah. I'm synthesizing safe ham. Yeah. We love dog. Would ham be okay? That's what we call dog ham.

But you can eat beef. Yeah. So if you breed a horse and a pig and you get a boar's weight. You gotta get a bull and a cat. Get a bull and a cat. Yeah, bull and a cow. You just got beef.

Wait, fuck, hang on. But this whole bull and a sow. You see how I got confused boys? Yeah, pulling a sow. Pulling a sow, bow, bow. I know you can't eat ham, but can you eat bow? Oh, beef. Do you have bow?

No, it's not working. Not yet. They won't do it for some reason. Yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, good stuff. Good job, everybody. Good job, everybody. Happy Easter. Happy Easter, me. The celebration celebration of Christ the celebration of Christ

The crucifixion of Christ be celebrated wonderfully in your house. Yeah, I agree we put him up there you knock him down Yeah, we put him up there. You knock him down and then he comes back. Yeah, and then we finger his hole Yeah, beautiful, dude Still an apostle, but he's he hates us. Yeah Not as much as he hates the guy who put us up there. I'm guessing yeah put us up Yeah, it was it's a life of Ryan story again, yeah, except we you know, they're there I plumb in the death side down Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I'm on it. Like I'm sideways. Yeah dangling arms like this. Yeah. Yeah, and I pissed myself. Yeah

You all have good I was really hydrated sideways, dangling arms like this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I pissed myself. Yeah. We all have to. But heaps. Yeah. I was really hydrated before going up there. I thought going up the mountain was gonna be a lot of hard work, so I kept my fluids up. I thought I was gonna sweat it out.

But now I just have to keep pissing. No. Pissing sideways. Yeah. Damn, dude. Yeah. Well, on that note, I've been Joe. I've been Jackson.

I've also been Joe. What a wonderful evening. Yeah. Good night! Taxes was going to who your family went to for their taxes, only to wonder if that's the best thing for you. Now Taxes is getting expert help for $20 if you're 25 or younger. So you can be 100% sure your taxes are 100% accurate and you get your most money back

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