Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Raise Franklin Richards (A Boy Who Can Manipulate Reality)?

Episode Date: April 16, 2023

Mazel tov! It's a boy and what a boy indeed! Three proud dads are now given the momentous task of raising Franklin Richards, a boy who can do anything, be anything and change everything. Zammit immediatley gives everyone an unnecessary lore dump before they all wish they had one of those GTA V playing Nightcrawler babies instead, Duscher keeps panicking about puberty and Jackson just wants li'l Frankie to live his best life. So crack open a refreshing can of titty milk and join us in our chaotic journey of dadhood as we try to bargain with our boy to make Coco Pops healthy and then worry when he is a dog.Buy our terrible merch here and check out the Bad Brain Boys on Apple Podcasts at apple.co/badbrainboys. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ahem. Ahem. You're listening to the Sandspants Network. Hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star. I'm Joel. I'm Jackson. And I'm also Joel. And today we're asking the important questions like, How would you raise Franklin Richards, a son of Reed Richards.

Yeah. And Sue Storm. And Sue Storm. That's right. If you mix invisible and stretchy, you get reality altering powers. Yeah. So Franklin Richards is an incredibly powerful mutant? Let's say yes.

I'm an idiot for asking, dude. I'm an idiot for asking. A mutant. Well, like... See, this is what... See, no, they went to... Okay, look, I'll give you the basic answer that doesn't require a million comic books to have been read.

Yeah. No, he got hit by a beam in space. No, Franklin, the boy. Oh, Franklin, sorry. I No, he got hit by a beam in space. No. No, Franklin, the boy. Oh, Franklin, sorry. I know the dad got hit by a beam. The boy. No, don't worry about it. All we need to know.

Franklin Richards, for the longest time, was made to be- An Amiga-level mutant. Again, Amiga-level mutant, one of the first. And I think in the future, he's like Psy Lord, maybe. Oh, no. And then he maybe does something with Rachel Gray. I don't know. Either way, doesn't matter.

I believe Galactus is maybe Franklin's herald. Doesn't also matter. Either way, very recently, he's been retconned that he isn't a mutant. I think he has reality altering powers. I like the amount of times Zabit said, anyway, doesn't matter. It's a new thing. Because he's got to get to the thing. Yes.

So Franklin Richards is no longer a mutant okay uh I believe he had this is in like I think it's Dan Slott's

Fantastic Four which I have not read which is like I think he's got reality warping powers and he wanted to be a mutant so badly that he became a

mutant that he just kind of all the tests to be like are you a mutant was like yes as opposed to just a special little boy that can control reality. But don't worry about it. Let's just be like, hey, and also I think he's losing his power.

Anyway, don't worry about it. He's losing his power. It's worth noting, listeners, that this reeks of a Joel Zammett question, but it's in fact the Jackson Bailey question, and he's got exactly what he deserves straight off the bat. A huge law dump where he's not even really sure where he stands anymore. I just wanted to know that he

is incredibly powerful. That's all I needed. Let's just pretend. He has a power. That's all you need to know. That it's the mid 90s. Onslaught has become this big psionic beam of energy and all the

heroes have to go in there to suck it up and then the mutants can then kill them. And then Franklin puts them all into a little blue ball. You have picked, Jackson. You have picked

a comic book character that is famous for being one of the most comic book bullshitty characters of all time. That is unmayed. Could have fucking picked Nightcrawler. Where'd he go? Hearts of Razorblades. Would be a scary baby to raise.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Looks like a demon and keeps pointing everywhere. You turn around to do the dishes, you hear a pfft behind you, you smell sulfur, you turn I've lost my kid. Where's my baby? Where's my baby? Call your wife, babe. Our baby's gone.

But to be fair, this wasn't happening. Honey, you know how our baby, your nightcrawler. Oh, no. Where'd he go? I don't know. I don't know. We got to look for him. I know he can only go somewhere that he can either see or remember.

So he can't be that far. What does our baby remember, babe? If we were a boy, a little baby boy that we raised. He's in the park. He's in the park. We're going to go to the playground. Oh, my God. And that's bad because you could grab Nightcrawler and he'd just disappear from your hands.

Or he'll pick you up and then suddenly you're both somewhere. New and exciting. Luckily, it's mostly the park. Yeah. Or maybe a boy's house for a sleepover. Yeah, that's true. There are only so many places. You got to make sure your baby doesn't know too many places.

Yeah. Or the candy store. There are only so many places. You've got to make sure your baby doesn't know too many places. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, no. Candy store. My baby's gone to EB Games to pick out a new PlayStation game. Why is that bad? Well, you can't afford it. Also, he's gone? Oh, yeah, yeah.

He's a baby at a shop by himself. But he knows how to, he wants to buy a PlayStation. Well, he'll just take it. Oh, he's back now. He's back now. He's back with it. He's got the game. He's got the game and he's got a PS5.

Excuse me, Nightcrawler. Is that Grand Theft Auto 5? You were too young to be playing that. Return it to the store at once and get Little Big Planet. And he disappears and you don't know if he's doing what you want. Or if he's just going to go play his Grand Theft Auto game somewhere I can't see. You've gone down. You're sitting in your lounge room about to put the TV on, you look up

the TV isn't there, you're like God dammit. He's an annoying baby. He teleported somewhere else. He's in his room isn't it? Honey! He's in the room. I hate our boy. Me too, darling. Our boy teleported the TV and I'm assuming, yep, the PlayStation. Yep.

Is that the sound of Grand Theft Auto 5, I hear? And I can't find him. He's just going to teleport away when I find him. I'm coming in. Nightcrawler, I'm coming. He's gone. Fuck, Trevor. It's me, Michael.

I'm going to shit in the nuts in the dick, eh? No, no. He's at the nuts in the dick section. It'll fuck up a baby. He's too young to be listening to this. Take that, Trevor's nut and dick. He's got the mod installed where guns sound like a guy doing gun noises. I hate that for some reason.

Extra blood on. No! Baby Nightcrawler's still. Titty mode enabled. Oh, no. Pussy. Pussy. So that's, I mean, that's Nightcrawler.

That's Baz. And he's just a regular boy. Franklin Richards can change reality on a whim. How do you raise a child where if you say no to them, they... You've said yes to them. But if you do anything... Carefully, I would imagine. If you do anything they don't like, they can just change it or erase you from existence.

You have to really work to convince your kid that, say, eating vegetables is really important for them. You know what I mean? You can't be like, I just want you to eat the vegetables. Because then all of a sudden you're like, I don't care if you eat the vegetables. It doesn't matter to me. But also, kids are bad. Every kid does a bad thing at some point, and you have to scold them. Yeah.

How do you do that to a boy that can make you not exist? That's the question, baby. Yeah. So I was just quickly Googling, like, hey, what has Franklin done? Yeah. So, yes, from a very early age, yes, he has ability to meet reality. He can perceive his invisible mother. He can't sneak up on him.

Okay. And create more powerful avatars of himself by accident or in times of great crisis. You're like, hey, don't eat your vegetables. And then a big muscly version of your son is like, dad, you better think again. Dad, I'm going to punch you right in the top of your head. All right, I'll let the baby you eat whatever crap it wants. All right, Cocoa Puffs for your head. All right, I'll let the baby you eat whatever crap it wants. All right, Coco Puffs for dinner again. All right, you win.

Coco Puffs and Pepsi, sure. That's fine. But then I guess, but your kid can manipulate reality. You know this. You say, hey, what do you want to eat for dinner tonight? Your kid says Coco Puffs and Pepsi. You're like, hey, for me, could you make it so that makes you healthy? You can eat all the Cococa pops and pepsi you want i don't give a fuck but can you make it so it doesn't make you sick yeah in fact if could you just maybe i don't know change reality

so that you are very healthy no matter what yeah then you can do what you like, bro. Me or your mother ate. In fact, you made me jacked. Yeah, can you give daddy muscles? Hey, buddy. Hey, buddy. Can you give daddy muscles? Daddy needs a muscle muscle. Daddy feels very insecure about his muscle muscles. Hey, buddy. Knock, knock, knock.

Can I just come in? I just want to have a little talk with you, buddy. I know that recently, I know we had a bit of a folly out of the fact that you've been playing GTA 5 with pussy I know you look you know how I feel about you being friends with Mike Crawler

he's a bad influence on you but you're an incredible daddy but daddy's feeling real self-conscious it's coming summer season soon daddy needs

daddy's not swimsuit ready hey buddy you know how we're going to the beach in two weeks? Daddy got some love handles he don't like.

It does not pay me at all to say that your mother is a smoke show. And look, mommy keeps saying that she likes a bit of dab, but she likes that I'm getting a bit softer in the middle, but I see how she's staring at that fish boy. Daddy would love some mussels.

You could give daddy some ab-abs. I need the blues. Come on. Okay, just like you. I know you can do it. Big arms, maybe? Imagine I'll play catch big with you. Yeah, would that be awesome for baby?

How old are you? How old are you now? Five, ten, I don't know. It would be hard to keep track of stuff like that too, like how old your kid is. You could remember how long you'd had it for, but then that might change sometimes. Yeah, but even just like insane stuff,

like what's a really common job that kids want to have when they're a baby? Astronaut. Oh, no. Vet. But if my kid became an astronaut and he's Franklin Richards. Vets is awesome because children want to kill dogs. That is why a kid is awesome.

That's why anyone wants to become a vet. For the putting down of animals. Yeah. A kid's not like, I want to be around animals so I can pat them and also I make them better. No, it's all about. It's all about killing dogs. Putting them down. It's awesome when a vet does surgery on something fucked up like a goldfish.

Yeah. What must that feel like? Do you reckon there's't mean a vet that's been like, I know we've had a good run in with a lethal injection, but can we invent the electric chair for dogs? I think there might have been vets who thought about it. Who think about it? They should pitch that at the next annual vet

meeting. Yeah, at Vet Expo. It's unfair that sick dogs and dogs that bit a kid get the same treatment in their last moments yeah but some dogs are just unwell and some dogs are criminals and yeah it's not unfair to say i think so basically what i'm pulled out of curtain yeah revealing a dog chair is it real like a you've got an example here today. And the dog electric chair for bad dogs. We wouldn't do this to good dogs. Yeah, no.

And we've got shock collars already. And what if this is not the ultimate shock? Speaking of shock collars, maybe put a shock collar on Franklin. No. No, no. That's a good way for us to be like, Joel Zabit, who? Franklin never had an age, no. That's a good way for us to be like, Joel Zabit, who? Franklin never had an age, parents. I think that's how Reed might control Franklin.

With a shock? A little bit. Like, I think he maybe kind of power dampens him a bit. I think my strategy would, because like power dampening, the moment he finds out. Oh, yeah, he's mad. So I think my strategy would be like, live your life, bro. I don't care what you do. But he's hypothetically six.

Yeah, that's fine. But as long as he can change reality so he's always safe, I don't care. But he won't, because he won't understand. You've spoken to a six-year-old before, they're stupid as hell. Hey, buddy, it's daddy. You make yourself 25. I don't want to die of old age. Kid, that's not that old.

How old are you? 14? No, I'm 32. Why does my boy sound like that? He saw a cockatoo. He changed reality. So he sounds like a cockatoo. That might happen.

I mean, like a six year old. You see a dog. The six year old's like, I wish I was six-year-old you see a dog the six-year-old's like i wish i was a dog and then he's a dog yeah but then he was always your dog and so you're like i'm taking my dog for a walk i guess and i got a very smart dog or just i get so could he i guess you trick him to reality warp enough that he has no powers, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but what... But would he ever do that?

But if he reality warps to be a dog, and he's a dog, and he's always been a dog, so I just had a dog, I don't have a kid anymore. You never had a kid, you got nothing to mourn. I got nothing to mourn. I've always had a kid, I just got a dog. Which is great, because I love this dog. I love this dog, but I would like a kid.

But what happens when... Is he now just a straight-up dog? But then, would, the dog is six years old. That's old for a dog. Well, it's medium for a dog.

Yeah, it's not middle-aged for a dog. No, it's young, it's still young. Six-year-old dogs cook still young.

Depends on the kind of dog, I guess. What type of dog are you imagining? French bulldog. They do not live long. That's basically

grandparent. A French bulldog lives to two and anything after that you're like, well done, French. Quit counting your blessings. I'm just wondering if it could ever hit a stage where, no, because it's just a dog. Yeah.

Because if he turns himself into a dog, for all intents and purposes, he's 100% dog. It's not like dog with a little bit of Franklin. No, he's just a dog. He's straight up. If Franklin, as, like, a teen, turned himself into a dog as a joke or whatever, then he could probably make sure that there was a bit of Franklin left. But at six... If he turns himself into a dog, but then continues to have reality-altering powers, and then he just has a dog brain, the world is going to be fucked up.

I know. Now it's just a dog that can just choose whatever. But as a dog brain, the world is going to be fucked up. Now it's just a dog that can just choose whatever. But as a dog... I wish that everything smelled like my piss. I wish the world was different than this,

but it always... I hate piss world. Yeah. It would be so bad like you're at the vet and you just see your... I don't know, a petting zoo.

Not a petting zoo. They don't have dogs in petting zoos. Park? They do it cheap once. You're at a park. You just see Franklin looking at a dog. No, no, no, no.

Then he's a dog. No, no, no, no, no. Then you see your dog, who you might know had reality altering powers. Yeah. Then you see it look at Pierce. No, no, no, no. Pierce will. Do you think there's ever a point in like dot in that every meal is wet food

any dogs like life where it looks at like a human is like i wish i was a human no well i don't think dogs are capable of that complex of thought no because like cats think that we're just bigger cats, but a dog knows that we're not dogs. Yeah. So if a Franklin dog looked at us and was like- Frog. Froglin. Doglin. Doglin.

This is my boy Doglin. Sorry. My dog Boylin. Sorry. It's been a weird day. If Doglin looked at us and was like, I wish I was a that. Then he would become a human dog.

Yeah, because it would become what a dog thinks we are. But then it would get a base level intelligence to fix it. It would right itself to realize that this isn't right. And then, oh, I can change reality. Oh, I got a good brain.

Yeah, but would he become Franklin again? It becomes something new. He would because he lost Franklin when he became Doglin. Is he changing? He becomes Manlin. Is he changing his brain every time? He would have to. He would have to.

You can't put a man's brain in a dog. No, Franklin can. But if you're six. Wait a second. Yeah, if you're six and you're like, I wish I was a dog. You're have to. You can't put a man's brain in a dog. But Franklin can. But if you're six. Well, wait a second. Yeah, if you're six and you're like, I wish I was a dog. You're not wishing you were a dog. You're wishing you were you as a dog. Yeah, so it might be okay.

Yeah, it'd just be like, oh, well, you open the door. You better be playing GTA 5 with that crawler. Bark, bark, bark, bark, bark. Hello, dog son. Hello, dad. This is normal for me. I've always had a dog son. You, you, you, you, dog son. Hello, dad. This is normal for me. I've always had a dog son. You, you, you, you, you.

This is mainland. You thought you wanted to be a dog, didn't you? It was fucked up when my wife gave birth to a dog. But I'm going to love him. But would you think he's always been a dog? Yeah. Because you know your son is reality warping. You'd be like, oh, he's just become a dog.

No, because even if you know that you're... He's not being like, I wish I was always a dog. That's true. He's like, I wish I was a dog now. And so you'd be like, honey. Yeah, so I guess it would be more like... Boy is dog. You're at the park and you see Franklin look at a dog.

You go, no, no, no. And he becomes a dog and runs away. Franklin, come back. No. I'm having fun. Oh, my God. If he bites anyone, we'll have to put him down.

I imagine he'd still talk. And just in time for that vet's new invention. Yeah. But then he'd just bounce back again. Yeah, he'd be fine. He'd be like, this didn't happen. And then it would be like... Oh, not even that. It did happen, but now I'm a boy again. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What else does this... Or he just

maybe creates like an avatar of Franklin that is a dog. Oh dog oh okay then he's got a dog that's him yeah what other things does a six-year-old want firemen going to space yeah becoming a cop those things they could easily accidentally think they want to do right now would you trust franklin richards in space no well no because if a kid goes to space now, they die. Yeah, but the moment he starts suffocating, he's like, no, I'm not. No, yeah. Franklin can go to space and be like, I'm fine because I can breathe in space.

Yeah, exactly. And then he could be like, oh, but I've got to go to Mars because there's aliens there. And their aliens are there. Yeah. There's Martians on Mars. You see him reading a book about Mars and then seconds later there's a Martian invasion. Put that down. Put that down. I think Martians on Mars. You see him reading a book about Mars. Oh, no, no, no, no. And then seconds later, there's a Martian invasion. Put that down. Put that down.

Oh, I think my boy's responsible. Honey, Mars attacks is happening. The movie? No. What? Yes, but real. Yeah. Tim Burton should never have made that movie, honey.

I know. I know. Hang on. I'm coming into the lounge. Hey, Frankie. You know how you gave me musk musk, and I love it. Daddy loves his musk musk. Daddy loves his musk musk. Daddy don't like Martians.

Daddy hates Martians. I'm not trying to... Franklin, are you familiar with the very famous 1960s slash 1970s television program My Favorite Martian well daddy has no favorite Martians and it's my hated Martians but no because they're now real

I guess they're actual people can you make them not hate her that's all I want if you told Frankie boy that you hated Martians, is a six-year-old brain going to make it so that there are no Martians, or is it

going to make it so that you love Martians? That's what I'm about to say. Will he be like, no, we love Martians, or are they going to be like, no, the Martians are peaceful? Well, if the Martians are peaceful, that's fine. Ethically complicated, because your son created life. Oh, son's God. Son's God. Well, he in a way, yeah, he's more powerful than the Celestials at created life. Oh, son's God. Son's God.

Well, in a way. Yeah, he's more powerful than the Celestials at a point. So, yes, we've got a God on our... We're raising a God. And we're talking like six... That's fucked up that a God came out of our dick and nuts. Yeah, that is fucked up. I would be like, what other special sequences has my com got? Wait.

I'm going to donate and see what happens. See if I get more God babies. Do I have a blessed sack? What does Valerie have? Because like if you. We're talking about Franklin at six. Right? Yeah.

But what about infant Franklin? What about 13 year old Franklin? Both are fucked up. Oh no. You got to sit down Frankie Bobby. Control that wiener. Yeah. I was like infant Franklin. I'm just up. You gotta sit down, Frankie Bobby, control that wiener. Yeah, as an infant Franklin I'm just, it's just, what? Well, it's great that my wife now has huge

milk-laden norks. On you, Frankie, you piece of shit. Babe, how's your back? Do you need a bed? You're gonna lie down the whole time. And then it's fucked up because it's so up because how do you wean Franklin Richards? You can't.

Your wife's constantly breastfeeding for the rest of her life. Franklin's sick from too much milk but happy so he doesn't care. I don't know if it's possible to wean him. I genuinely don't think he could. You would have to not breastfeed Franklin. Yes, you'd have to bottle feed him. But he doesn't like that. But he doesn't know. if it's possible to wean him. I genuinely don't think he could. You would have to not breastfeed Franklin. Yes, you'd have to do, yeah, bottle feed him. Yeah. Otherwise.

But he doesn't like that. But he doesn't know. But it's instincts. Yeah, babies. Babies rely on instinct. A baby will be like, there's like a little snuffle, like a truffle pig. Looking for titties. Where's that nipple?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They love it. So it's instincts. And it's not that. You're getting Yeah, yeah, yeah. They love it. So it's instincts. And it's not that... You're getting tits too. Yeah. Everyone's breastfeeding Franklin. I guess, yeah.

Thanks for breastfeeding my son. I know you don't care, but you should care. I've always been. I've always had tits. And I've always... Oh, yeah. Hi. No, I wouldn't because it's not about, it's not changing reality to the point where

you're changing history. You're just changing reality then and there. Yeah. So you'd be like, well, I guess I'm feeding Franklin. Okay. Everyone that Franklin knows all of a sudden has huge milky tits. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So like Ben, Human Torch, Flammy Titties, Rock Titties.

Would you let Ben Brustfeed your son But would he have Rock titties on his face He'd just have Human titties Frankie stop Hey Reed

I hate your fucking Kid I can't go out Like this With human tits Coming out of my Rock chest Are you fucking

Kidding me Please don't swear Around my son What are you What are you going to do? I'll crush your head like an egg. Yeah. I feel like everyone in that family or like our family, we're breastfeeding Frankie until he, what, until he's six, eight? Until he's sick of it?

Is he going to get sick of it? Someone's going to need to give him a can of Coke. Yes, that's true. Somebody's going to need to give him a can of Coke and then, that's true. Somebody's gonna need to give him a can of Coke and then we say, make Coke make you healthy and then we're okay. What if Coke was good for babies, we say? Yeah, oh, hey, because like a baby would love

Coke now. Oh, yeah. You just can't give a baby Coke for the obvious reasons. Will caffeine explode a baby's heart? Well, maybe, but our baby would love Coke. Yeah, our baby's gonna be but how do you say, how do you pick up a little baby's heart? Well, maybe, but our baby would love a Coke. Yeah, our baby's going to be. But how do you say, how do you pick up a little baby's face and be like, make Coke good for you? The baby doesn't know what you're saying.

Yeah, baby just wants fat tits. It's instinct, right? So you can try and like, it'll pick up on cues. How do you? So maybe you're just like, this Coca-Cola is basically like titty milk. Maybe you put Coke in your subliminal messages, kids. Maybe we feed tubes. So what you can do is you get like a rubber nipple, right?

Yes. And this is a thing that you can do for like basically feeding your baby as a man. Yeah, okay. So you can, I think it's like a little nipple, like a rubber nipple, I think. You put that on your finger, and you have like a tubey type thing with milk. But you do that with Coke.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Baby will love it. Baby will love it, but he's thinking titty milk, so it might just become titty milk. Yes. Hmm. So I guess Coke has always been titty milk. Coke is titty milk?

There's just no sound. There's no just getting one click. Click. Hey, honey, this tastes like your titty milk. And yours, and everyone we know. I guess if you tricked Franklin, you just have to wean him off tits. Here's a question. Yeah.

Is Franklin going to get rid of The Rock's breasts? I mean, The Thing's breasts. Can you smell what The Rock is breastfeeding? Yeah, Frankie. But is he going to get rid of The Thing's breasts? Even if he weans, is he going to do it? Eventually. It's going to be like years.

Yeah, that's what I mean. We're going to have to wait until he's six or eight to be likeizant It's gonna be like years Yeah that's what I mean It's gonna be We're gonna have to wait Until he's six or eight To be like Frankie Hey Frankie I know for you It's no big deal

But The Rock's not been able To go outside You mean The Thing He's made of rock It's hard It's not that hard I heard you're the Fantastic Four We've got The Thing We've got Yubito It's been so It's not that hard. Hiya, you're the Fantastic Four. We've got the thing.

We've got you with toys. Mr. Fantastic. The Invisible Woman. The Rock. You know the guy, the Rock? Yeah, he's there. The Rock, he's there. Yeah, the Rock, he's a part of the Fantastic Four.

He's got tits now. I was thinking Franklin was like, yeah, now the Rock's part of the family. He's there. He just would be. Any guy that Franklin saw while you were out and about, if you took him out and about, which I don't think you should. No. But you've got to socialize him. He's got to be around other babies.

Yeah, don't want him to grow up fucked up, you know? Yeah, if he's around other, oh, like, hey, these other babies, they should be talking or walking or whatever, like me, because I can walk and talk right no matter what. Oh, no. And then he will. And then it's like, it's crazy that all our babies can talk and walk after a month. We made a bunch of baby geniuses.

Yeah. We made the movie Baby Geniuses real. We made a bunch of boss babies. Yeah. That's scary. But is it better to, and I understand that this is child abuse, but I'm going to come out as pro it. Is it not better to isolate Franklin so that, because you're going to get a lot of problems

related to socializing in the future. Yeah. Maybe it's better to have a- Isolate him, he's going to become weird. Yeah, but weird might be better than fucked up. But if he, so if he's around like, you know, initially he's around- Think about puberty. Yeah, I am.

I don't want to right now. So if he's around us- Oh, Harry Knox. Cool. And he's hearing us talk. Bonus? And he's seeing like us maybe either reading like a book or reading whatever it is

like you know the baby can't comprehend what's going on but then it's like he's basically a genie right so it's like

oh I wish I could comprehend these things yeah then he can so then he would comprehend these things so then he could be yeah

his intelligence would match ours and then exceed it oh no oh dear me well I mean the bar's low here. Yeah. And then it's kind of like-

Three men and a super baby. A baby's a genius. It clears our IQ by 10. It has an IQ of 85. I guess then, but if he's got your level of intelligence or greater, you can at least talk to him. You can be like, get rid of the things, dude. Yeah, exactly. So he understands and comprehends. And the thing is like, oh, what stops, you know, if a baby genius from ruling the world,

a weak, you know, weak neck and no knees. Yeah, that's true. Not this. Not this baby. I have a strong neck. I've got fully formed knees. Oh, my God. A little baby running around the house.

But kids always have that thing of like, I wish I, when I'm grown up. So Franklin, all of a sudden, will probably go from like seven to 25. He'll go from like an infant to 25. Hey, mom. Hey, you're like six months old, dude. It's time for my feeding. No. You know it's fucked up, right?

No. No. I'm going to go see Uncle Ben then. The rock. The then. The Rock. The Rock. Hey, something happened to Frankie? Yeah. Why does this grown man want to suckle?

That is Frankie Richards. Oh, come to Uncle Rock. Oh, he's come around to it. Yeah. He just picks him up. I'm not allowed outside, so I've got to do the best that I can do. I've got to take myself out. If that means breastfeeding a grown man, then so be it.

Just a thing cradling a human adult as it breastfeeds from his human breasts. We've never have cum in your pussy, I think. I think that's right. Adoption would have been smart, I think. We should have pulled out. Cum on them titties. This is a real problem for us. This is...

Dang. But if he could, you could talk to him and you could... Can Reed get a vasectomy or would the stretchy powers fuck with that? Well, he can, but the horse is bolted. Yes. Well, I understand a vasectomy is... You just don't want any more. Yeah.

Because they have a second kid, Valerie. Yeah, Valerie. Yeah. Well, I understand the vasectomy is more. Yeah. Yeah, they have a second kid, Valerie. Yeah, Valerie. Yeah. She's just smart. She's just very smart. Oh, well, I guess it's easy.

She's a genius and superhuman strength and invulnerability, invisibility, time travel. Okay. So all of the powers. It got worse.

Energy blasts, telekinesis, empathy, telepathy. Okay, okay. There it is. But blasts, telekinesis, empathy, telepathy. Okay, okay. There it is. But at least it's not reality controlling, you know? I don't like,

oh, her alias, she calls herself Brainstorm. That's a villain name. Oh, that's worrying. I'm worried. Isn't she the granddaughter of Doom or something? No, goddaughter of Doom.

Goddaughter of Doom? That's weird. How'd that happen? I don't know. Or Reed and Doom friends for a bit? Maybe. Maybe. They patched things up. Here's some names

that, like, I guess superhero names that Franklin has called himself in the past. Let me know if you want to stop and just ask some questions. Okay. So, number one, Tattletail. I got some questions. Why? Don't know. That's fucked up.

Did he start snitching? He must have. We also have Psylord. That's just a bad guy name, basically. That's something from the future. Avatar. The Last Airbender. The Way of Water.

The Way of Water, yeah. Jake Sully. Ego Spawn. That's weird. That sounds gross for some reason. This is a good, interesting one. Galactus. Is that boy Galactus?

I'm going to be Galactus one day. Don't do that. Hyper Storm and Powerhouse. I think that he might be Galactus. Or at least his. I know Galactus is his herald at some point. And, like, I think he creates Galactus and, like, sends him back to be, like, basically, you're going to be my herald and herald at some point And I think he creates Galactus And sends him back to be like You're going to be my herald

And announce me at some point Fight my parents Eat my planet Make sure I'm never born If your reality warping son said to you I am Galactus What would you do? Is Galactus real?

Yeah you know Galactus We stopped him before Are you sure? Yeah Dad I'm Galactus real? Yeah, you know Galactus. Yeah, we stopped him before. Yeah, yeah. Are you sure? Yeah. Dad, I'm Galactus. We're going to have to have a serious conversation about this. So do you mean you become Galactus? No, I am Galactus.

Currently? Yeah, right now. Do you go back into... Is the giant guy like an avatar you're controlling? But I guess if he was like, I'm Galactus, and he was just a little boy, I would be like, well, he's not Galactus. He's just saying he is. And I would try and distract him.

I would be like, you want to watch Mickey Mouse Kids? Mickey Mouse Club? Is that a risk? Want to watch Mr. Beast's highlight clips on YouTube? Here's an iPad. Please stop talking to Daddy. Is it a risk to show your kid? What have you found, Zahmet?

I Googled. Is Franklin Richards Galactus? As stated in the story, he is Galactus as long as no one tells him he isn't. What? Well, I guess if he says I am Galactus, he is Galactus. Okay, I think I know vaguely this particular story. I think it is when Galactus has been killed or Galactus no longer exists because Galactus kind of, he's like the wolves in Yellowstone.

You need the predators around to kind of make sure that the prey population kind of stays nice and low. And Galactus is a predator, but he's eating celestial babies. Okay. Yum. Awesome. And so I think there's because there is a celestial egg in Earth, and so, yeah, I think Franklin become Galactus to eat that baby

so that Earth gets saved, and then he thinks he Galactus, so he shifts off to eat more celestial babies. So you're watching TV in the lounge room, and Franklin comes in and is like, Dad, I need to be Galactus so he shifts off to eat more celestial so you're watching TV in the lounge room and you Franklin comes in and he's like dad I need to be Galactus so I can eat the baby you know

what I'd be like okay son am I gonna die okay nice awesome am I gonna die yeah cool I love that for you you'd be asking Franklin. Okay, nice. Awesome. Am I going to die? That's great, kid, but am I going to die? Yeah, cool. I love that for you, Franklin.

I love you, obviously. Quick question. Is Daddy going to die today? I got some calls to make, buddy, if I'm going to die today. And you will know, so can you just let me know? No big deal.

I just need to know. Maybe you can prevent Daddy from dying today. That'd be nice. No? Oh, okay. Cool. Okay, thank you. No. Oh, okay. Cool. Okay, thank you. How old have I gotten?

So my question in this. Yeah. So he'd become Galactus to eat the baby in Earth, right? But is there actually a baby in Earth, or has Franklin created that baby in Earth so that he has a reason to become Galactus? You know what I mean? Like a firefighter who creates his own fires to put him out.

So is he like, I would like to be Galactus. That would be fun. I need an excuse. Yeah. What if there was a baby in Earth? Or is he doing it subconsciously in a weird way? Is this also maybe kind of why Marvel, like the 616 universe, they just don't age?

Yeah, because Franklin Richards would rather they don't Yeah, he knows them How old they are and doesn't want that to change So that's why Frankie gets old But everyone else does I would be scared, you just made me think of like a baby on earth And then I thought Maybe he sees like a textbook image of somebody with a baby in them

And then he thinks about that But I think if he saw a textbook I think we could get pregnant. I think Franklin Richards could get us pregnant. If he sees a textbook image of somebody with a baby in their stomach and he's young enough to not understand what that means. I understand that you've now given me

reproductive organs that I can sustain life. No, that's cool. I'm all on board. Thanks, Frankie. I get to experience something. Daddy's going to need a pussy. Yeah. Hey, buddy.

Love the baby in my stomach. Awesome stuff. Love that we're having another brother or sister for you. Quick wrap between Daddy and Frankie. Daddy's going to need a pussy. He's going to have this baby. Daddy needs something to get out. I just need an exit hole.

Daddy needs a hole. Daddy needs a hole. Daddy needs a hole. Daddy's got a hole. No. I hate saying no. Daddy doesn't want to shit a baby. But I guess because if he's altering reality to the fact that A, we can become pregnant, and then B, we are pregnant, then we would have everything.

Yeah, that's true. We'd just give birth. We would be able to give birth. We'd give Franklin some siblings. Because this isn't Frankie. This is another reality warper. Yeah. It's a Braddock.

So a Psylocke and Captain Britain's brother. Okay. Is it Jim? Could be anything. Jim Jones. Jim Braddock? Anyway, he's a reality warper. Reality changer.

Yeah. And when the mutants, the Krokoan mutants colonize Mars and create Mars, they sort of somewhat trick this reality warper to be like, hey, it would be nice if we had like another space station, like sword station yeah to orbit uh mars and he's like that's a good idea let's make it happen and then he becomes pregnant and then he gives birth to a space station oh no i wouldn't recommend that i there's easier ways to do it there's precedent that also is the number one most wanted for me to read comic at all times oh it's great so so there is precedent i'm just scared that franklin to, if he learns about birth and gets confused and he wants like a truck for Christmas, I'm going to gestate a truck in my stomach. Now that people can give birth to spaceships or whatever.

I am still, and I know I've teased this all episode, terrified for Franklin's puberty. Because reality warping mixed with horny. Oh, dude. There's going to be pussies in his wall. Pussies in his wall. He's going to be pussies in his wall. Pussies in his wall. He's going to have a hand pussy. Yeah. Pants are illegal, so it's just bare asses everywhere.

No. But I'm going to think that's normal. He's going to have x-ray vision. No, we're not going to think it's normal, because he doesn't alter reality to the point of history. No, I know, but if you're Franklin Richards and you're 13 and horny, you don't want your dad knowing you're horny. You're right, he will. Actually, we'll never know what our son is doing. Yeah. Because you

don't want dad knowing what you're doing. Yeah. We might not even hear anything. Everything might appear normal to us, but we know because we know what it's like to be 14 and horny. Yeah, I'm worried that we're not going to be able to perceive our son full stop. And he's going to spend 24 hours a day jacking off. Oh no.

He'll get tired. No, he won't. No, he's 13 or 14. Every single orgasm is going to be like his first orgasm of the day. Because he can change. He'll get tired, but no, you're right. Because he can be like, no, imagine this is going to be great forever.

What if I never stopped coming? What's going to happen to our son? He's like one of those rats that cummed themselves to death. Except the rat could die. Cumming is great, but it would be great if it went for a longer period of time. What if cumming was always 30 minutes? Oh, no. Oh, yeah.

Hey, Franklin, whatever you're doing, keep it up. Frankie, my buddy Oh, yeah. Hey, Franklin, whatever you're doing, keep it up. Frankie, my buddy. Good job. You know how we come as long as pigs do now? It's pretty fucking good. You know how we all, no matter what we are, can have multiple orgasms? It's fucking rules. This is awesome.

I'm scared of if I show Franklin Shrek you know, I need a break or whatever, and then I come back in the lounge room and Shrek's in the gallery. Oh, hello, Shrek. Hey! No. What are you doing in my swamp? It's my house, actually, Shrek. So, yes, we could have Shrek in our living room,

or Ben could turn into Shrek. I know. Or go into Shrek. Or go into Shrek. Or go into Shrek. Hey, go into the TV. Hey, buddy. How's your new friend Shrek? Hey, you do whatever you like, obviously.

Could you come out of Shrek for dinner? Yeah. And then he might leave. He could just go into a world of his own creation, i.e. Shrek land. Could you get him out of Shrek if your boy went into Shrek? No! Don't think. Who would you call?

He's got to get himself out. I set up a TV on the other side of Shrek playing like Shrek 2. And I'm like, go in Shrek 2. It's even better than Shrek. And as he dives towards Shrek 2, I push the Shrek 2 TV out of the way. It just wouldn't be that, right? He'd just be in Shrek 2. Yeah, he'd just be sitting there.

At closest, maybe, if you're using the Heroes Reborn universe, where you create your whole universe in a little blue ball. So at best, you've got, like, okay, there's a physical representation of that. But ultimately, it just could be in his mind. He could be like, oh, I'm going to think I'm in Shrek land and have a thousand-year'm in Shrek land And have A thousand year adventure In Shrek land With Shrek

Who sadly dies early In the adventure of old age And it's just like Oh rip to Shrek Yeah It's in a blink of an eye It's in You know

It's imperceivable to us Like we don't notice That he's gone Cause it's just It's happened in between thoughts Yeah Or he just goes Or he just goes

He just disappears He's just gone He's in Shrek And then one day he'll come back. Yeah. Maybe. Hello, Mom and Dad got sick of Shrek. Oh, we're in Shrek.

I miss Mom and Dad. And then suddenly we're in Shrek. Oh, God. That's true. I will loathe Shrek, but Princess Fiona seems all right. She seems nice. I like Donkey. No, you don't. Donkey would annoy

you. He would. I like them all. Puss in Boots is alright. Yeah, Gingerbread Man? He's got a bad attitude. Little Jack Horner's no good because he's Big Jack Horner now. Yeah, that's true. That's true. And Farquaad, he's alright. No, he's...

Fuck Farquaad. Yeah, fair enough, dude. Fuck that guy. Yeah, fuck that guy. Who does he think he is? Well, do you think raising Franklin Richards, you kind of just don't, you can't? So you've kind of got to let it ride? I think you need to have like a cavalier attitude, where it's like, whatever. Let it ride. He's going to do whatever he wants.

So we kind of got to to have the right stimulus around so that he either doesn't fuck up the world too much or he fucks it up for good, i.e. the old Coke is tinny milk. How healthy? So there's that kind of thing of like, hey, eat your broccoli. No, I hate how it tastes. Change how it tastes. Okay, well, good.

Does it still have the same nutrients? Yeah. All right, that's all he cares. That's all I care about. It tastes like chocolate, but he's a grown boy. And does he even need broccoli to sustain? You just say you're good, right? Does it matter what our kid eats?

Does anything he does matter? Because if he's going to die, he'll just be like, no, I'm not. Yeah. Is our kid effectively indestructible and very capable of taking care of their own life? Pretty much all that's going to happen is that we have just chained ourselves to the most chaotic existence imaginable. But nothing we can do will change how Franklin's going to turn out. We can't really stop it.

You can't stop it, so you may as well write it. So you may as well either try and persuade them to do... If you have a decent moral compass, as it were, to try and be like, let's just do some of these things. But chances are, that's not even really going to change Franklin's mind that much.

Well, it might if he becomes super intelligent or he's like, oh, I wish I was smart. Yeah. And he becomes smart and then he becomes that kind of like, well, he's beyond us now. Yeah. And so we can then have that conversation. So we can discuss ethics at least with our child. So I think if the moment he gets smart... Yeah, get some muscles.

The moment he gets smart, then we can at least have a conversation. The problem there is if we disagree with him, we don't. Yeah, absolutely. We're in a play. It's a play. It's Franklin's play. It's scripted by Franklin.

Yeah, there's no choice here. It's Franklin's world we're just living in. We can try and improvise lines, but if Franklin doesn't like it, no, we didn't. No, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's that way. Or there's the Reed Richards way of depowering our boy. Yeah.

Collar him. Yeah. The equivalent of a shot collar. I'd put him in the negative zone, I reckon. Yeah, me too. I'd basketball dunk him in the negative zone. Too bad. Or throw him like an American football.

Honey, it's time to have a new one that's not fucked up. The first one came out wrong. Let's try again. Exactly. It's just, yeah, yeah. Put him, get him a pally with, show Nightcrawler the negative zone. Yeah, yeah. And then when they're at a sleepover, they both bamf into that.

No longer our problem. Nightcrawler's parents are like, where the fuck's our kid? Huh? We can't get him out without getting our kid. Ourcrawler's parents are like, hey, where the fuck's our kid? Huh? We can't get him out without getting our kid. Our kid came out bad. They're in the negative zone. Our plan is to try for another one. You could maybe do that too? Want to join in?

Want to join in? Yeah. I guess you can't really raise Franklin Richards. You can only get rid of him. Yeah, you can get rid of him or he can change your entire life, but not in the way that like, yeah, becoming a dad really changed my entire life. It's like, no. Becoming the dad of a god changed my life.

It changed my life in that I'm a puppet now. But that's okay because we're all kind of puppets. There's a man's hand in me now. Yeah, I became a felt puppet because Franklin thought it would be funny. And then he got distracted and never changed me back. We've watched The Muppet Show once because I remember liking it as a kid. But now I'm a Muppet.

But it's not so bad. It's like we're all Muppets, really, when you look at it, quite literally. Because he's turned us all into felt Muppets. Well, you know how we're all Muppets? That's my boy. My boy did that. One of them starts slapping you like another Muppet. It doesn't hurt because we're all Muppets.

You can be as pissed as you want. You can't kill me. I'm Felton stuffing, cunt. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've also been Joel. And Reed Richards, no thank you. Bad time to be alive.

Bad boy. Bad boy. Do you mean Franklin or are we calling Reid a bad boy? I'm fine with calling Reid a bad boy. I also was curious. I'm mad, Franklin, but fuck Reid, too. Reid's a bad boy. He's a bad boy.

One of the worst boys there are. Well, not like a cool bad boy. No, no, he's just a bad boy. No, he's just a boy whom sucks. Both of them are.