Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Save Han From Jabba's Palace?

Episode Date: July 12, 2020

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Sounds Pants Radio, Australia's least coherent podcast network. Hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, How would you save Han from Jabba's palace? Our best friend, Han Solo. Yeah, he's trapped. He's frozen. In carbonite. Why is he there?

Remind me. He's frozen in carbonite because Darth Vader hates him. Okay. So he made a deal. Jabba, he have debts. Jabba, like, I want Han. And... What did Darth Vader get from Jabba? Well, he wanted to get rid of Han.

He wanted him out of his hair. A complicated deal, because Lando betrays Han. Sells him to... Jabba. Darth Vader. Vader. Oh, Vader's hired bounty hunters to track down those fellas. No disintegrations, yes.

No disintegrations. Man of Star Wars. So, presumably that it's like a deal that bounty hunters are hired to capture them, give Han to Jabba, and then they get two rewards? One from Vader and one from Jabba? But Vader puts him in the Carbonite. Vader got him. Does Vader collect on that bounty?

I hope so. That's pretty good. Yeah, because, like, Vader puts him in the Carbonite, then is he, like, you can also have this to Boba Fett or whatever, and then Boba Fett sells it to Jabba, or does Vader sell it directly to Jabba? Or did Lando be like, I want that bounty,

and then orchestrated it with Vader? Vader definitely made a deal with Lando, because there's the line that says, the deal is altered, pray it doesn't alter any further or whatever. Okay. But how does it go from Vader's carbonite hole which is on cloud city

which is I guess cloud city to Nibuli or whatever where Jabba's palace is Tatooine yeah whatever it's called Nibuli yeah good how does it get there we need to know this before we save him off he's like you know hey Han I Han, I love you.

I know. And then Frozen. Yeah, and then cut. And then. New episode. And then, yeah. Jump cut. And then they're in Jabba's palace.

This is good if you imagine the three of us at, like, the fucking cantina having this conversation. Wait, what the fuck? How do you fucking do this again? So, Lando sells out the group. Ah, the dog, yeah? Yeah, he's a dog. Originally, the plan was they just take Luke,

which was, I think, this part I'm just guessing. So Lando's like, sell out the group, keep my good friend Han, because I love him, or Han, don't know how I say his name yet. It's all a bit weird. But Luke can fuck off. Yeah. But Vader, they want to test the carbonite freezing on someone before they do it on Luke to send Luke to the Emperor.

Because the plan is to freeze Luke. So Vader's the dog. But then that's when like Luke and Vader have the lightsaber fight and Luke loses his hand and then jumps in the hole yeah you remember when he gets in the hole

I remember the hole how does he get to Jabba then what how does he get to Jabba then no well okay so they test it out on Han to realise they realise it works

they then give it to Boba Fett Boba Fett then takes it to Han being like hey why does Boba Fett I remember yeah Boba Fett's there do you want this Boba Fett in Cloud City with Vader no because Boba Fett? I remember, yeah, Boba Fett's there in Cloud City with Vader. No, because Boba Fett got hired by Vader

to track them as well. So Boba Fett must know Lando. Or Boba Fett's just, look, at this point, we've lost 30% of our audience. So it feels to me that Fett lucked out. He was like, sweet, I found him, and I'm getting some carbonite, boy. Is that the reason why he was helping? I'll help you track these cunts if I get Han.

That was a deal, yeah? Sure. Dear Plumbing the Death Star. How dare you call yourself Plumbing the Death Star when you've clearly never seen a Star Wars? Yeah, well, hey, I've seen them all, heaps. Dear audience, I'm just not that interested in them. All right, here's my plan, boys.

I think I figured it out. We know that Jabba, he's got Han off in his palace, yeah? He's frozen in carbonite. He's just kicking it sweet, yeah? That's about what he's doing? Okay, here's my plan. Here's my yeah? He's frozen in carbonite. He's just kicking it sweet, yeah? That's about what he's doing? Okay, here's my plan. Here's my plan. It's a very simple plan.

I'm going to pretend to be an art collector. The hand plan. The hand plan. Hand plan one. The hand plan one. We're going to buy him. We're going to buy him his art. How much would you ask?

What's the asking price of a Han? I don't know. Remembering that the same thing. That's actually almost Leia's plan. I just love Zabit's I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. It's just such a bad example.

Jabba being like, how much do you want it for? I don't know. All right. New plan. New plan. Same plan, but similar plan, but different plan. Hand plan 1.5. All right.

What am I going to do? Hand plan 1.2. I'm going to pretend to be an art critic then we can go to like say art buyers and be all like have you heard that Jabba has an amazing bit of man frozen in carbonite

that I think would look great on a wall perhaps you should buy it. So is your plan... Can I just try and figure out hand plan one, mark two? The idea that then art collectors will buy the carbonite hand and we have to steal him from somewhere else? Yes.

You've just moved him? Yes. Easier to rob a museum than Jabba's floating palace. Yeah, easier to rob people who just collect art than java i feel again let's not forget that in return of the jedi leia threatens to kill jabber in exchange for uh han and he just laughs at her so and if you try and buy him the same thing happens well no because Jabba love money. Yeah, you're just going to find the price.

There's an awesome price. Jabba gets... Originally, the droids are sent in to trade for the thing because they're worth money. The droids are maybe not enough. Maybe you need more. Everyone's got a price. Okay, so we're clearly haggling at this point all

right so this is hand plan mark three yep okay hand plan one mark three because the droid thing again or it doesn't almost work but it's a good beginning so what if we say that like you say almost work i say it actively fails well i'm just wondering what the most expensive droid in Star Wars is let's find out probably a ship that's not a droid what about the Millennium Falcon that's kind of a droid that's got a droid brain in it

you've seen Solo I've seen Solo I remember Solo better than Empire Strikes Back it apparently sounds that's not good same well yeah what does Jabba strikes back it apparently sounds yeah that's not good yeah okay well what was java want because like that's really the best thing that's a question for another day what does java want yeah because like if jabba's like look he a gangster boy all he want money yeah he wants

money well i think that the credits i'm so sorry. Credits. He wants credits. Hey! So, Jabba's... What Jabba wants is Han. Because, like, he is the bounty hunter. So then what do you get a man who has everything? I don't know. Okay? It's a struggle, all right?

We're trying to figure it out. But I like the idea of trading him, because I like the idea of Han waking up in just like an art collector's house. Why is he waking up? What is going on? Oh, yeah, we've got to get him out. I don't know how to do that.

I figure Samet, hand plan mark two, has some way of getting him out of the carbonite. Apparently he's got a son. Who has a son? Jabba. Yeah, he might have a son Let's get to know Let's get to keep in the old noggin

The Jabba family tree Why does that matter Blackmail presumably Kidnap his son And then trade son for Han Become maybe worse than the villain Hand plan 1 mark 4 Which is totally different from the other Because they're still trading something for Han Become maybe worse than the villain. Hand plan one mark four.

Yep. Which is totally different from the other. No, because they're still trading something for Han. But it's his son. Okay, how are you going to kidnap Han, Jabba's son? Great question. Jabba plan mark one. How fast is a Hutt? He seems pretty slow.

He's a skunk boy. Hutt's got to be easy to kidnap. Get a big net. Yeah. A big net and just scoop him up. Right? Yeah. Absolutely.

He can't turn around. Jabba the Hutt does not seem like he has a great turning circle. So you've just got to put like a cage in front of him and he'll just get stuck in it. And then there you go. Jabba the Hutt's son's name is Rotter and looks like that. So it looks like a little tadpole, yeah? Yeah. So easy to steal.

Catch it in a sack. Yeah. Yeah. Where are you setting up the trade? And how are you ensuring that Jabba doesn't just kill you? Well, it needs to be maybe without Jabba. So you need to send a bag man. And we've got to send our own bag. We do it with droids. Yeah, okay. Done. Do it with droids. Do it needs, as in like, you need to send like a bag man. And we've got to send our own bag.

We do it with droids. Yeah, okay. Done. Do it with droids. Do it with droids. He sends Max Grebo. We send a droid. Bada bing, bada boom.

So. Simple and done. Joel Zaman. Terrible news. Okay. So the Clone Wars. Yeah. The Jedi kidnap Rodder and that.

Good idea, gang. Yeah. So presumably it's not going to work a second time. Also, Rodder's nickname is Punky Muffin. I don't know if that helps us at all, but Wikipedia seems to think it's important. Yeah. He's also nicknamed Stinky.

Well, okay then. And that was in the Clone Wars, yeah? So I'm guessing that Jabba's child has aged a bit. Yeah. Gonna need a bigger sack. Clone Wars is 18 years before, or like 21 years before we have to steal Han. Yeah. That's an old hut.

Or is it? Or is it a young hut? Yeah, how do huts age? How old is Jabba the hut? There's gotta be something that Jabba the Hutt? There's got to be something that Jabba loves, right? There's got to be something that he would love, either a food, another piece of art. Doesn't he love eating those rats or whatever?

Yeah. Could you give one of them rats? I would go in and try to be like, right, look, what do you want for that amazing piece of art? I love it. Jabba the Hutt 600. Wow. Well, that means Rod is still a baby.

Yeah. I like your trade idea. Jabba, I have your baby. Give me hand. Oh, give me my baby back. You do. That's all you do I have a son

what I love this voice by Adam Sandler watch me in the cobbler got sworn so you're gonna trade Jabba-Jobbler? Ab-dee-do-bee-ga-ba-dabba-do-bee-ga-swan.

So you're going to trade Jabba's son for... Well, I don't think that that wouldn't work. Either kidnap Jabba's son, which is like, you know, a trade. Or if we're trying to, like, do it under false pretenses, I feel... Going in there to do just regular... All right, so this is going to be a long-term plan. Whatever. Han's in Carbonite, he ain't getting

any younger or older. Hand plan 1, mark 5, let's hear it. So basically, start going to Jabba's palace and building up a trade route. Whatever it is that we do. Whatever it is that he wants, right? He's got to need something. Spices? I don't know. Something.

He's basically, he's a mobster, so again, try and build up this relationship. And then one day, because he's got Han on display, you've got to act the shit out of this, though. So you go and then you're like, oh, my God. I see what's on the wall and I love it. I love that. That is an amazing piece of art.

How do I get something like that myself? Boogie boogie Han Solo. Yeah, is that what the piece is called? I am shocked. How much? Oh, higgy-boogie-bugger, I don't want to sell it. Well, Jabba, there's got to be something that I can do, a favour or something to try and purchase that amazing amazing a piece of

beautiful art oh god where is my son then you get his son and then I get his son but yeah I reckon it's just so easy all you gotta do is it's gotta take time build up a relationship and then try and find out what it is that he really wants and do a simple trade. So, Zamin, I just don't know. During that great impression, I just did a bit more research. Do you guys remember the start of...

I don't even know why I'm asking. Do you guys remember the start of Return of the Jedi? Clearly not. They try not even close. No, come on, think, you idiot. Okay, so where are you standing when you try and make this claim to... Oh, no, the Rancor Pit. Oh, the Rancor Pit.

In front of Jabba? Well, I feel that the reason why he might not put me in the Rancor Pit is because we've been building up this trade route for a number of years. That's true. At the very least, presumably you know where the Rancor pit is. Yeah. Your plan is to be trading art with him before Han even gets kidnapped. No, no, no.

I guess, whatever. I'll start after he gets kidnapped, but then it's going to take me a couple of years to build up this relationship. Hang on, let's look at the timeline here. It's a long-term plan. Yeah, but does that mean that Star Wars happens around me? Like, doesn't happen?

Yeah, like, as in... Well, does Luke... Are we Luke Skywalker? Because in our minds, Luke's... Yeah, we're like, Luke, don't worry, I got this. Yeah. Four to five to eight years later, I reckon I got this. So Death Star 2, I guess, gets built. Yeah. Four to five to eight years later, I reckon I got this.

So Death Star 2, I guess, gets built. Yes. Rebels die. I mean, if Luke is just sitting there with his thumb up his ass waiting on me to get Han back, that's on him. Well, Han gets the shields down on Endor. So if you remove Han from that situation but they're gonna get someone else in that role anyway

right? it's great though to imagine Sam you finally getting Han out defusing him or whatever and he's like I've gotta go save the and you're like oh no the Empire's in charge but you're out if his whole plan relied on one lad

then that's on Luke. That's not on my great plan. No, the plan doesn't rely on Han, but Han and Leia, the combo of those two figure out that it was a trap. Yeah. And without... The only person that saves them is Chewbacca,

who won't be there if Han's not there. It's so good. Where's Chewie gonna be? Chewbacca r who won't be there if Han's not there. It's so good. Where's Chewie gonna be? Chewbacca rots in a cell, right? Yeah. Alright, so I might have killed the rebels. Yeah. Ah, and also, the droids,

are the droids being taken to Jabba? Or is that not happening? I don't think that's happening, because Luke's got us to do it instead. Yeah, whatever. I'm just doing a lovely little smuggling thing and trying to really build up that rapport to eventually buy a painting.

It's good to imagine Luke sending you a hollow message being like, hey, just wondering. Yes? You're taking your time here. You're setting up a trade route, Luke. What? Yeah, we're going to set up a trade route. Look, you can't just go in there and ask for a painting

Yeah What do you think? Use your brain And then, yeah, so you've destroyed the galaxy But you have completed the mission So I call that a win I guess so

Han's going to be mad when he Maybe I don't Maybe I just Hey, guys, check out my great bit of art on my wall Yeah well I mean I suppose if it like comes to it Where you've got him But Luke has been killed by Palpatine

Or whatever You don't have anyone to bring him back to So you just keep Han on your wall That seems pretty cool And then my kids' kids Kids can wake him up And it's like a complete new galaxy And Han can kick its head

Luke's life isn't affected by Han in the last movie wake him up yeah and it's like a complete new galaxy and one can kick it's way there luke luke's life isn't affected by han in the last movie so that's the good news is that luke lives and the empire the emperor still dies and hey guess what no ben solo hey that is true no ben solo that's pretty good That's a shock No Ben Solo Means that the Emperor still comes back And Ben Solo Does play a big role

In stopping the Emperor So Fuck the galaxy Again No he's not controversial opinion again Zabit's long dead by that just from happenstance falls over, trips on a rock, brains himself Han Solo's outstretched hand frozen in carbonite

gets him hand plan 1 mark 5 you get Han how did I do overall? you've fucked the whole star wars galaxy uh three movies don't happen the empire the emperor wins in the long con well you're saying fuck the galaxy all we have now is a new ruler no it's the same ruler it's the same status quo baby death chips yeah zamet is killed by the new order or whatever because they know he was instrumental in causing this but

you did succeed you got hand back hand plan mark five was on paper a success I'll take trading art with him again and that's assuming that kidnapping his son is gonna get a result that

you want well no, we're not kidnapping the son. That was part of plan 1.3. This is 1.5. We've gone back to the long term art deal. So you're just hoping that Jabba the Hutt changes his mind about how valuable the Han Solo thing, which

is his favorite possession. After a while, he might get something new. After like 10 years. After 10 years, he might get something new. After like 10 years. After 10 years, he's like, you know what? I need something else in this palace to kind of spruce it up a little. Maybe you can freeze Darth Vader's remains in carbonite and then give it to him and be like, oh, look, you get the remains of a ruler.

That's fucked. That's pretty sweet. Again, it all takes a while. No matter how good something is, after a while, it's no longer going to spark joy. And you need to be able to clean the recondo, hand sell the frozen economy.

So that's what we've got to do. It's a long con, I know that, but I succeeded, and that's what matters. Jabba the Hutt is a gangster and the head of a crime syndicate, and you just need to rely on him having a number one enemy again and you being able to get your hands on them. Yeah, which I think is doable.

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of how far they've come. Oh, it's also just some hot, dumb, funny bullshit, so search for Shut Up A Second on iTunes or Spotify or head to our website, sanspanseradio.com. Can I give you hand plan two? Yes. Hand plan two, lay it on us. Okay. For hand plan two to be successful, I need to be like an R2-D2.

Is that okay? You're a droid. We can make you a droid. Wait, an R2-D2 or will you settle for being a c-3po something that's much easier i think i need to be an r2d2 so okay step because i see like a protocol droid that's noticeable i need to just like be delivered to jobber like a gift up to him whatever he just lets me hang out with the gang You know Max Grebo and his elephant musician

And then I need to look up how Han Solo is actually Physically frozen in the carbonite What do you mean physically what he looks like Yeah it's like you know He's got his hands out front being like I'm frozen Oh okay great

So his feet slowly Day by day Inch by inch, centimeter by centimeter, are using my little R2-D2 torch, burn away the underneath of his feet in the frozen carbonite until it's all gone and he just slides out like a snail coming out of its shell. Overtime, second by second, centimeter by centimeter, that's my plan. So, problems. So the carbonite, it's not like

a shell. And even if it was a shell, because it's gone to his skin, and so no matter what kind of person you are, you're not going to fit out The soles of your feet

What do you mean? And also My torso ain't going to It's not as wide as It's not just saying It's physically The bottom of Han Solo's feet And he nuts himself

On the remaining carbon If your plan worked which I'm not saying let's just say the science checks out in this fantasy realm of Star Wars it's a gas that turns solid so no it immediately doesn't work

but that's fine it definitely doesn't work let's say it does a little bit you start doing this inch by inch so then his foot is out So his foot is now live So his foot is going to age I've given Anselo an old foot

And if you do it inch by inch You're like centimetre by centimetre Jabba is looking at the fucking carbonite That's why I do it every day He's Shawshshanking this. It's fine. Shawshank wouldn't work if the police officers was looking at a hole get bigger and bigger every day.

He's shawshanking, but the problem is you're killing Han just slowly. Let's just say Jabba's into it. Let's just say he's like, let's see where this goes. And it takes you... What's this little fucking droid doing? And it will take you, let's say 10 years's like let's see where this goes and it takes his little fucking droid doing and it will take you let's say let's say 10 years it takes you 10 years to go from his feet up yeah you've killed han

it's just so slowly like his his body is withering from the feet up yeah because each inch is a little bit younger than the other. And how great is it to imagine, so I do, like, the bottom of his feet, and he comes alive again because, like, there's air coming in and you just hear Han Solo nut himself on the carbonite and make like a oof.

Jabba being like, what was that? Beep-a-beep-a-wow! I'd wheel away real quick. Okay. Hand plan, mark two. Yep. Hand plan two, mark two. Two mark two, sorry. Two mark two. So I have to go I'd wheel away real quick Okay, hand plan Mark two Two mark two So I have to go around, instead of from The bottom up, I do from the back Forward

No, wrong again Fuck, it's so annoying that you don't remember anything about Star Wars I'm our audience now He's not You can't access the back Why not? He's in like a frame thing well i gotta clean it i say people people people but java knows that means your your hand is dirty let me clean it or or hey you can do that kind of thing where you maybe bump him hope he doesn't

shatter and break but you bump him or if he does i have to then take it away for restoration yeah kind of like you know what they do with old paintings in our world and you know all we got to do is do an old switcheroo oh yeah i i create the character of a clumsy droid i bump into han Solo. It tips over. Shatters. You want to be in the ultimate disaster movie, this. Yeah, exactly. I'm like, beep-boop, beep-boop, beep-boop. Jabba's like, well, I've got people for that. I'm like, beep-boop. Oh, no.

Also, you can't knock Han Solo off the wall, because he's like a- It's not like hanging like a framed painting. I don't know about that. With enough force, he could definitely knock at a beam. It's like built into the wall. That's how I know there's no like there's a backing.

He's behind a curtain. But surely there's gotta be a behind somehow. Which is funny that they close a curtain over him when they go to bed. I don't want him looking at him. That's fair. Look, I get it. Okay, alright. Well, okay, but what if I clean him? Okay, what if I clean him?

Here's my hand plan two mark three. Okay, I establish myself as the hand cleaner, okay? Jabba needs someone to do it. Yes. R2-D2 can kind of fly a bit, yeah? Yeah. Yeah, he has a jetpack, which is only ever used in Attack of the Clones. That's all I need.

I jetpack up to the face okay, I torch out his eye holes and mouth and he helps me. He tells me what to do. It's so funny. His eyes age rapidly his lips age.

He gives me advice on how to get him out of his house. How about this? There's a button. There's literally a button. If you're a protocol droid, you can just plug into the thing and it'll be done. No, no, no. How about this, Jack? What you want to do is you want to set yourself up as the sweet orgy bot, okay?

Yeah, great. Why? Listen to the plan! Here's how. Set yourself up as the sweet orgy bot. You're like, listen to the plan. Hear us out. Set yourself up as a sweet orgy bot. You're like, Jabba, you know what you love? Orgies. You throw the best orgy. Then in the throes of said orgy, you get Han dirty.

We're talking filthy. Jizzed the F up. Jizzed up so much lube on that particular painting. It's fucked. He's gross. So then we're like, right, Jabba, we need to clean Han after the orgy. I know a group of lads who are the best orgy cleanup crew you'll ever know. They know exactly what they're doing.

They're so skilled. He slips Jabba our wonderful calling card. It says, orgy cleanups are us. And then a picture of our three faces giving the thumbs up. Just be gone. Yeah. That's where we are. And then he's like, sick.

He calls us up. We come in with a big van, load up everything to be like, oh, this is the worst we've ever seen. Don't worry. We're wearing high vis. You make me sick, Jabba the Hutt. We've got high vis. We've got ladders.

We're like, don't worry. We'll take care of it. Boom, we're out. He's a little bit drunk slash hungover slash still reeling from that amazing orgy we threw. It's in the afterglow, absolutely. So he's not thinking straight, and then we're out of there with that beautiful piece of art that is Han Solo.

And then we figure out how to defrost him later or whatever. Yeah. Put him in the microwave. I don't know how it works. Once again, orgies solve the problem. Well, I mean, you can just... He's carbonite. It's the same way that you would clean a statue if a bird shits on it

by just hosing it down. Yeah, but nah, he's got the orgy brain. He's aite. It's the same way that you would clean a statue if a bird shits on it by just hosing it down. Yeah, but nah, but he's got the orgy brain. He's a bit, he's a bit fazzed. The relying douche here on orgy brain. I think, like, I get it. And it is funny to think about Han Solo covered in cum from an orgy. Like, I get it. I understand the comedy.

Like, I'm there. I'm there. I'm standing right next to you. I'm laughing. I get it. Yeah. Well, it'm there, I'm there, I'm standing right next to you, I'm laughing, I get it. Yeah, well, that's good to hear. But as far as plans go, just coming on a thing and hoping that they give it to you because you did that.

Yeah, sure. It's not all that reliable. I'm listening. What about my plan of torching open his mouth and eyes, and then him telling me what to do? I mean, it's the same thing. It's not a shell. It's not a shell. I cannot stress this enough.

You're just burning his eyes. Yeah. Okay. It's not a shell. I torch his eyes, and as I torch his mouth, he's like, No, he doesn't scream. Nothing happens. He doesn't say anything because you killed him.

Because he's not... He's not a casing. It's his Carbonite all the way through Yeah I don't know what you mean I don't understand Or fully grasp what you're trying to tell me

I burn his eyes out Jackson, carbonite doesn't work like an egg. It's not like when you crack through the egg, you get to the gooey bit, and the gooey bit is Han Solo. Sure, okay. It's like when you... Okay, imagine you drown underwater.

You fill with water, but your outsides are still covered with water. Yeah? But there's still skin. Now the water freezes but your mouth is still open. It's a bad analogy. Um. Has he become

carbonite? Yes. So he is carbonite right now. Yes, that's why he's not aging. Because if he was just in a shell, he would just die. Okay. I need some time to think of a new plan why did you think

imagine if Luke Luke Skywalker there's no rules I'd wrap him like a goddamn present trying really hard to figure out how to crack this man out of a shell anything's possible in Star Wars really hard to figure out how to crack this man out of a shell. Is that anything possible in Star Wars?

It's a magic shell that keeps you alive inside. Is it a magic stone cocoon? Alright, so painting, orgy, and trying to burn Han Solo's eyes didn't work. What have you got, JD? Well, Jack has a think. Well, see, I've done the opposite and I've realised, unlike Jackson,

my hand plan three relies on the fact that carbonite, hard to destroy. I'm never going to try and fucking communicate with him. Who cares? Blow up the barge without even knocking on the door. Okay. How are you doing that? Probably speaking to Luke

And be like look I'll do all the dirty work You're basically a grey Jedi So what I'm saying is I just need you to Get me a big gun But you don't need to worry about what happens next But Han will be with you shortly What about a grenade?

Like those thermal grenades That's the opposite of an explosion That's one bullet In fact, hey, you know what you've got? A C-3PO You know what you could really just shove a lot of into him? Bombs Thermal detonators

Yeah, okay, so you bomb up C-3PO Bomb up C-3PO Well, no, like, I'm friends with C-3PO I probably just pick a- Why? Why are you friends with C-3PO? Because, no, like, I'm friends with C-3PO. I'd probably just pick a- Why? Why are you friends with C-3PO? Because I'm fr- I'm not.

Yeah. Well, I guess- I'm a droid in this situation. We've learned- We hate him. We've learned- Actually, Jackson's a droid. Maybe I just feel Jackson with them.

What's that? Wait, let me burn him until his eyes. I have a plan. Wow! I just know that the barge can explode and uh yeah but they're not in the barge at the start they're there oh yeah they're in the palace not the barge i like the idea now of filling a droid filling a droid with bombs that's my han plan my han plan. My Han plan three. Your Han plan three is you fill a droid with bombs. Han plan three fill a droid

off to its eyeballs with thermal detonators. Yeah. This is some weird Star Wars alien now. Does a thermal detonator have any effect on carbon? I guess that's going to be the question.

That's very funny if Luke's like, so this won't destroy Han. You're like, maybe. I don't know. That's so great. Explodes and like slamming into the sand right next to his hands, legs. That could be...

That could be attached. Destroy... Hey, look. Good news, bad news. Jabba the Hutt's dead. Dead as fuck. That's what you wanted, right? I killed Jabba.

I even got Han. That's pretty great. Bad news, I've got him in several pieces. Yeah, but he's still good. And then I'll wheel up and be like, news, I've got him in several pieces. Yeah, but he's still good and then I'll wheel up and be like,

beep, beep, beep, beep, it's not a shell, turns out. So, he's good in there. He's made of rocks or something. That's what I've learned.

It seems like that a thermal detonator probably won't damage Carbonite. Okay. I love how confident you are. You sound like you really believe that.

You sound like a man who knows that this is a plan that will 100%. They have a timer. Okay. So that's hard. The timer ranges from 6 to 18 seconds, apparently. You've got to be quick. That's not heaps of time. Well, all you've got to do is be like, hey, C-3PO,

when you go to Jabba's palace, all you've got to do is stand before him and press this button. What will happen then is a hologram will come up, and that'll be me talking to Jabba. All you've got to do is press that and wait 16 to 17 seconds. That's how long the delay's going to go. I suspect you're trying to kill me, Master Dushan. No, no. It's a communication thing. Trust me.

I thought you were my friend. I love you. We are definitely your friend. I know that the R2 Jackson 2 is not my friend, clearly. He's made that clear. But I thought we were. We are definitely friends. Thermal detonators are used in mining

Carbonite seems like Thousands of pieces of hard Shattered across the desert Okay so look You got him out Yeah He's out of Jabba's palace Whereas Luke doesn't kill me

He might kill you He does a spin around and chops your head off With a lightsaber I reckon is there a way we can make this work For all three of us If we combine our plans Zamet sets up a trade route Delivers me

I'm full of bombs I explode Jabba dies, hand is shattered Dusha gets cut in half Zammat survives okay I reckon we could probably

Jabba the Hutt, big mouth what if we install like a tube on your droid so that you just like like a baseball ball machine for batting practice except you just shoot thermal detonators directly into job of the hot mouth hi Jabba I'm a new droid designed to shoot those rats you love to

eat into your mouth from a distance open up okay well, one thing we do definitely know about Jabba, apart from him being slow, is that his neck is very sensitive. Because even though he's got a big, thick neck, he can be strangled by Leia with a chain.

So I feel that his neck is a weak spot. Well, what if this is the plan? Okay, so Zammett sets up a trade route he delivers me as a gift for jabba and while that's happening i'd strangle him while he's distracted or go back to that sweet orgy idea someone had and in the throes of the orgy someone strangles jabba but we don't have a chain we just get our arms what about this the three of us arrive to Jabba's palace This is hand plan 4

Mark 1 We arrive to Jabba's palace and we're like hi We're here to hug you And then we all link arms around his neck and squeeze And we hug his neck to death And he chokes Then we just throw Han out of the bus or whatever. Out of the floating palace.

Yeah. That's a pretty good idea. That's good. Wait, he's a slug. Hug him to death. Okay, next idea. I set up a trade route. Salt.

Nothing but salt. Okay, great. Then we salt the sucker. Salt the slug. Salt the slug. Salt the slug. Yeah, we salt the slug. Yeah.

Oh, here we go So yeah you set up a trade route delivering salt You gut me Hollow me out, fill me with salt Send me in, I tip into Jabba's mouth What if we just Salt dies Jackson you're obviously open to becoming a droid

What if you become What if we disguise you as one of those rats That Jabba likes to eat so much? Fill you with salt. He bites into you. Salt his insides. Yeah, salt his guts. I expel you with salt and blades.

Yes. As his stomach acids digest my metal and I die vored by Jabba. You die vored and horny. Vored and The salt and blades come out. Vored and horny. Vored and as horny as a droid could ever be. The salt and the blades come out. Chop up his insides. He needs surgery.

Well, he's taken out. You two sneak in. Steal Han. I am removed by a doctor. This is a droid a horny horny droid they throw me in the bin bada bing bada boom

Luke, use hand hand plan mark 6 was the successful hand plan I believe that's the best one Jackson gets bored like he always wanted we, the two Joel's just walk in and steal minimal effort from us That's the best one. Jackson gets bored like he always wanted. Yeah, exactly. The two Giles just walk in and steal.

Minimal effort from us. Just like what we wanted. Jackson. Absolutely. Jackson's removed by that ball doctor. Not a ball doctor, but a doctor that's a ball. Thrown in the bin or whatever. Put in the bin. Again, where you deserve to be.

Horny, though. That's good. Yeah, it's still horny. Yeah. Job is dead. Yeah. Or just very sick and then he gets surgery comes back but you've taken harm already yeah yeah luke well done where's our

credits we're good off we go bada bing bada boom we fixed it for so maybe give us some hazard pay or whatever but otherwise jackson's like you know what? You don't need to pay me. I got my enjoyment from a horn. That was payment enough, Luke Skywalker. Plus, I'm a droid, so what am I gonna do with money? Beep boop boop!

Diddle it, diddle it, diddle it, diddle it, diddle it! It's the end of a Star Wars movie. Yeah. Final closing credits. Beep boop boop boop! Beep boop boop boop! the end of a Star Wars movie. Yeah. Final closing credits. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson.

And I've been Joel. We stole Han Solo when it wasn't even that hard. We stole Han Solo and you're hard. Thanks for listening. If you want to help support this show and all the other shows on the Sandspans Radio Network, just head to SandspansRadio.com and consider joining the Sandspans Plus community. There's over 20 bonus shows, a Sandspans Plus Discord, exclusive video content, and discounts on merch.

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