Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Save The Economy In Jaws?

Episode Date: September 13, 2020

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Sands Pants Radio, Australia's most American podcast network. Hey everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, how would you save the economy in Jaws? Hey, guess what? It's the Jaws town. The economy, it's fucked. The mayor of Jaws comes to us, we got a little store, it says, economy's fixed. It says, kids killed, $10.

And then under that, economy's fixed, $10. Problem solved, $10. What do you want? We got one price, and then under that, economies fixed, $10. Problem solved, $10. We got one price, and it works. Exactly. Hey, look, we also do a two-for-one deal, so... Yeah, we'll get a kid, fix the economy. Easy peasy. Liquidly split.

All right, so... Sometimes that's all it takes. Yeah. All right, so Mayor Vaughan of Amityville Horror or whatever is like, you cunts. I'm like, what? He's like, right, we've got a shark problem maybe. Well, look, we've got this accident.

We don't have a shark problem, to be honest. We have a boating accident problem. A boating accident problem. This piece of shit sheriff or cop or whatever over here, he reckons that it's a shark and he wants to close down the beach like a big idiot. I don't know about that. So we're coming to these three handsome individuals who are going

to save the economy, but maybe we also, I don't know about you guys, but maybe I don't want to deal with no shark problems because that seems like a legal problem. I don't believe in sharks. I don't know. They're a fake animal and a fake idea. Whereas, all right, so I think, look, I'm a bit more cautious. I'm like, right, we don't want to sink the economy.

I get that, Mayor Vaughan. I'm on your side. But maybe we should, you know, look, this whole shark problem, first off, I don't want to deal with it. So I've got another solution here. So look, we are at a beachside resort town or some shit. So here's what we do. It's a two-step process, man.

What are we going to do? Firstly, I reckon the beach sucks. And let's start a smear campaign about the beach. Fuck the beach 2020. Fuck the beach 2020. All right, well, you're good. Oh, great. You get sand in your ass. It's hot. It's too sandy.

I like to imagine a poster that just has a crab on the front, and it just says crabs. Can you believe this shit? Yeah. Exactly. This poster says, fuck the beach 2020. Sand. It gets in your ass. Sand. It's too sandy. Sand. this poster says fuck the beach 2020 sand it gets in your eyes sand it's too sandy sand

just a picture of Anakin Skywalker he hated sand he had the rider and he killed some kids I would suggest to the mayor knowingly like we also do that

We killed Harry Potter the other day So You know, the cops they're looking for us They didn't check our shop though for some reason I'll So we go like basically bad mouth the hell out of

the ocean and the beach I agree because I think everybody's just ready to turn on a dime to hate the beach. You love the beach for the first two thirds. The last third of being at the beach, you never want to go to the beach again in your life. That's what the beach experience is. We're going to make a short little video of people going to the beach or whatever. They come back and they get in their car and they look down. And now their car is covered in sand and it's all black and white

and everyone's like, oh, now my car is sandy. Maybe you come over like in the background and you're like, you can never completely wash your feet of sand. Yeah. And it's like, damn, that's right, I can't. Where like there's those taps where the car park meets the beach so you can like kind of wash your feet. But then you can't really because maybe you've got to walk more sand

to get back to your car. And you're never going to get 100% sand free. And then what if your house is carpet? No, thank you. Also, it makes you smell of sea. Beach showers are cold. Yeah. That's annoying.

Yeah. I want to warm up. So basically just a nice big smear campaign against the ocean. And I know Mayor Vaughan is probably like, hang on. That's our one economy. You've fucked us. No. What we're going to do now is we're going to,

all that money that we invest in getting people to come to beach, All that money that we invest in getting people to come to beach, we're going to re-pump into and make every house have its own pool. Okay. And we're going to turn away from tourism and just be pool salesmen. We've pumped money into making our town look like an appealing place to go with advertisements, with beautification. Okay, so you'd rather us instead buy every citizen a pool. Yes.

So the idea is we put money into advertising and then we get money out of tourists. You're just telling us to put money into pools. Yes. Into presents, really. When's the money come back? That's what I'd like to know We put money into pools

So now we have our bustling pool industry Oh, so these are public pools? Sure, I say You're never going to be sure from somebody who's Sure, could be Well, is it or isn't it? Could be, if that's what you want No, no You never want to hear sure from somebody who's... Sure, could be. Well, is it or isn't it? Could be, if that's what you want.

No, no. Maybe as a resident of Amityville town or whatever, I just wanted a free pool. Maybe that sounds great. So, yes, all right. Well, yeah. Did I say pool in every household? I meant a good public pool, sir. Well, you can do both.

You can do both? Yeah, you can do both. You can do both. Yeah, you can do both. Because you could just be like, all right, everyone gets a free pool under one condition. You have to open it up to the public. Perfect. That's a good idea. Alternatively, everybody gets a free pool, okay,

but then you jack up the price of pool toys. Yes. Oh, you want an inflatable ring? $200. you jack up the price of pool toys. Yes. Oh, you want an inflatable ring? $200. Also, every pool has to have sort of three mandatory toys.

Make pool cleaning mandatory, so that'll be like stimulating the economy there. So we're going to have a lot of pool cleaners. Everyone now has a job as a lifesaver. Yes. Which I think- Training. We need training for that.

I don't think that works well to boost the economy if everyone is doing a job that has no monetary gain. Well, someone's got to pay the lifesaver, right? Well, no, the lifesaver gets paid, but presumably they get paid from- Tourists come in. They're like, we love this town, and now we get to sample all the pools in this town.

And they have to pay entry fee. How would you know? You're riding through the town and you're like, oh, I'll go to the beach, and somebody at the beach is like, no, no, no, you don't want to go to the beach. But every person in town has a pool you can go into. Oh, my God, the beach sucks. Didn't you see this poster?

Gross. A lot of everyone giving the beach the finger. That's our town flag now. Town flag. Okay. Several people just giving it what for to that beach.

And now we charge entry to go swimming in people's pools. It's so great to imagine. A tax. We have a tax. Okay. So we make everyone own a pool and we charge pool tax. Yeah. Yeah.

People, will people not, because you've not banned people from going to the beach. You've just, you've just tried to make it seem no good. So if they're like to have a pool, you're going to have a pool tax. I'm going to be like, well, I'm,

I'm going to go back to the beach. But we make the pool mandatory. You have to have a pool. Okay. So I buy a pool and then I get paid. I get taxed on my pool. People are going to be unhappy, I guess. But maybe there'll be more money coming into local government.

You're also going to have to pass a new law that it's mandatory to buy a pool. Yes. Hey, do you want to move to Amityville? No, I don't want to have to buy an in-ground pool. I don't have the money for that. That's insane. All right.

So we don't force everyone to have their own pool. And why don't we just instead, we just make the sickest public pool, but we kind of build it near the ocean. And so basically we do one of those enclosed ocean pools so that the shark can't come in. It's good to imagine that, Zammett, in our little shop, economy's fixed, $10. You've got a whiteboard on your floor.

You're like under like, but the whiteboard has a lot of crossed out little diagrams. Hey, everyone, you know how I said that the beach sucked? Forget about that. The beach is kind of cool. The sand part where the pool is is good It's the water bit that's bad We kind of like the water bit

So what we want to do You know rock pools? You know rock pools So we want to build a big rock pool Okay problem What if Jaws gets here? I don't know what you're talking about Shakes a fake Shakes are fake.

Shakes are fake. Shakes are fake. What's a Jaws? Shakes are fake. That's your new poster. Shakes are fake. Shut up. Who's this Jaws fellow you keep talking about? Are you a fan of James Bond as well?

Imagine if you just... Your whole strategy to make it seem like there are no shark attacks in jaws is to just say shakes attacks every time i heard there's been shark attacks on the sea no no no no no shakes attacks the shakes have attacked you know shakes those wealthy you know you don't want them they're they're yeah shakes yeah shakes don't want them. Yeah, shakes. What's a shake? Don't worry about it. Go to the pool instead. Go to that pool. It's a big rock pool. Or what we do is we build a giant slide that starts on the beach and goes into the ocean.

So what we're trying to do here is limit people. That's where the shakes are. No, see, we're going to limit people's exposure to the ocean because what you're going to do is you want to go on the slide so much you're going to go into the water and then you're going to swim out and walk around back up to the slide. So you'll be spending less time in the water, which will give less time for this supposed shake.

You've just developed a feeding tube for the shake. That's what you've done. The shake's just going to be there with his big mouth open and then we're just gonna slide on in you're better off making the slide go back around into a pool somewhere else so you think you're going into the sink back when you were saying

imagine like everybody gets a pool and they're all over to the public imagine being like tourists to a town and just getting into a family pool with a family like just sitting there. Well, this is weird. And then every pool can have its own little bar that you can swim up to.

So there's a lot of bartenders that we are hiring. So it's not your private bar. So I have to build a pool and employ someone. As a side gig. You can do it yourself. Have a lovely home business. Hi, can I pour you a drink? Okay, yeah, what do you have? I have about half a bottle

of gin. This is a vodka for Christmas. And three warm beers. Aye? Would you like one? A hundred dollars. And then, if we... I gotta pay the fucking pool tax. Along with that pool That we have to make

Get a barbecue in there In the pool? No next to the pool Wet sausage and warm beer sir $200 Everyone gets to now cook Hamburgers and sausages And gets to sell them above market price

To the tourists so hang on so the pools are open to the public but the owners of the houses in Amity have to pay money to build the pool then pay a pool tax

then pay to employ a lifeguard and a bartender we will have incentives if you want to be your own bartender, barbecue person and pool maintenance as well as lifeguard. Maybe we have incentives to be like, if that's the business you want, you get some kind of incentive, like a free meal

at the local RSL back into the economy by employing people they are doing it themselves for free and you're giving them a prize I mean I guess there's already the contacts in the pool yeah that's

I mean that's money you're like hey no do it yourself The opposite of likely They get a free meal at the RSL I think that's pretty good You're not pumping any money back Into the economy You're making everyone work for free

So your local economy collapses The money went into the economy And bought the pool and paid the yearly pool tax And that's the end of money leaving the people. And then tourists come in. Why? Because they want to experience all the pools. They want to experience everyone's different pools.

None of them good. Let's go. Because wouldn't it be interesting to be like, hey, I'm going to go to that person's pool and see what they've done. And then the next day you go to someone else's and see if it is at all different. Maybe it's better. Maybe it's worse.

Maybe the snags taste better over there. That would be a slogan. The snags will taste better over there. Sorry, I say as I'm driving into the town. What could they possibly mean by that? So now you're advertising internally. Again, no one has a job all of a sudden. Everyone has a job.

Everyone is a small business owner, Dusha. Am I paying the people to use their pool or can I do it for free? Yeah. So I'm a tourist. Yes. I arrive. I see someone's pool I want to go into. You like pay them cash at hand or whatever.

You're like, please. You'll have, okay. See, this is the thing. Now it's because everyone is now a small business pool owner. Competition is fierce. So you'll probably have a lot of people outside their homes being like, come to my pool. We have these cocktails.

And someone's like, oh, but we have the best snags on High Street. And then it'll be a competition. I need to draw a diagram of the economy you've created for this town. Everyone will be at the government basically like being like hey can't do Apple it's like cover price is free with three drinks and someone could be like ah but we'll get half

off drinks if $10 cover charge and we'll let the market sort itself out so can you just make sure Jackson make sure in your diagram you write $10 cover charge equals

half drinks. Half price drinks, presumably. Goes out to the government through the pool tax. They get money in from tourists who want to use their pool. There's a lot of competition, so no one's going to make their money back

from the amount of money it costs to install a pool. You hire a man who... So we're keeping our citizens in debt so they have to keep working it. Yes, yes. But they're working. You're encouraging them to work for themselves so they're not earning money.

The money out's so much more than the money in the company. Well the money out for who though? For the people. But that's not how the economy works. You can't. You're not the government, you're a contractor.

So I still give my dad bucks. Now we get to walk over with a crisp dinner? With some extra change? Get a McDonald's double cheeseburger. Yeah, or entry into someone's amazing backyard pool. Just saying. Have a wet veggie party.

Well, because I think the issue will be that every single people every single person living in amity will just move out because this is a bad idea i don't want to i'm like ah hey we're gonna get to fix the shark problem like hey that's that wasn't the question i starve that shark from delicious human meat it's great to imagine you zamba just standing in the beach eating a sausage and Jaws just comes in Job well done A shake! Ah! You have so many shakes in this damn ocean Holy shit, that's the biggest shake I've ever seen

So yeah, so I think that's pretty good Out of a good job, bad job rating, this falls firmly in the bad job. Yeah, that's in the bad job bin. Right, there it is. BJB. And now a quick word from our sponsors.

Also, have you noticed that your shirts and or bags are often lacking in pins from your good friends at sans pants radio well that's easily remedied by heading to our merch store on sanspantsradio.com and grabbing one of our pins we have the sans pants radio logo and always bet on piss d20 and jackson's face that is a replica of his legally binding signature sold separately or as a set of three check them out at our merch store over at sansandspansradio.com. So, my plan is, like, it makes a lot more sense, I feel. Okay.

So, the economy is obviously suffering from shark attacks. Yep. Because they're a beach-side town. Boating accidents, douche-o. Boating accidents. But still, it means that the water is unsafe. So, like, whilst people are still coming to the beach, if people keep dying in, air quotes,

boating accidents, when we all know they're getting eaten by shakes, means that people eventually are going to stop coming to the beach and that's where the issues with the economy happen, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Sure. I've got a solution that will take care of the beach problem. Yeah. Economy won't suffer at all. And also we'll fix the shark problem. And that is Amity just needs to freeze the ocean turn rebrand as an ice break okay okay step one what's your step one how yeah how

how fence off an area okay fence off an area yeah in the water like you can build water fences yeah like i was saying a rock pool uh-huh mean, you can have a lot of boating accidents During construction When I'm the mayor and I'm like, what is your plan If you build a fence And you're like, I'm gonna freeze the sea And step one is build a fence I'd be like, that wouldn't have been my step one

Okay, so we're gonna Alright, so you've built a fence Step two Freeze the water In the fenced off area Step 3 Step 3 is obviously Advertising

I need to go back then Step 2 how How am I freezing the ocean I don't know if you know this about the sea But it's big Obviously I'm fencing some off So I'm not trying to freeze the entire yeah excuse me i forgot about your sea fence okay what are you gonna just drop ice cubes you finish it open up a lot of fridges um well no i reckon

how do they do it at a ski resort? They make snow somehow. That's cold. Well, that's a snow machine. But the thing is, they don't... It's not like they suck grass in and snow comes out. Because I need ice where there is now currently water. Yeah, and also, it's a beach town

in an area that's kind of tropical and around the equator. Which is why the ice rink is going to be a great idea. Yeah. They're not used to it. That's exciting. It'll be amazing. Yeah. But right now, I just see you standing at the sea's edge,

scratching your chin, looking at your sea fences. My fenced-off beach area. Okay, quick question. Let's go back to step one What's the fence made from Yeah Well probably like Perspex or something I guess

Okay Okay so you need I'm just looking up how to freeze the sea You need temperatures below zero degrees Yeah obviously that's freezing temperature Just to give you some clues The only issue will also be i believe that the fact that the ocean is salty means that it'll have to be a little bit lower than zero degrees i think i if i remember science correctly and i honestly might not i believe that adding salt to water means that it doesn't freeze or

doesn't freeze as well here's's my suggestion for you, Mr. Geladusha. You've got the whiteboard, you're in the office, speed diameter kicking back. Step three, how? I'm like, just tap it on the whiteboard. What if you hand up, what if you drain the sea in your fenced area first

and import ice? That could work. I'm draining the sea. A roof. Yeah, sorry. Well, not a perspex roof because that will amplify temperature. Just want to see again.

If you've built a fence that's quite strong and Yeah, that might deal with the shake problem. That might deal with that shake problem. Either you've trapped it in or you've trapped it out. Now, although, if you've trapped it in, because it is a great white shake, the best thing about that is apparently great whites

don't really last well in captivity. They don't. So, I mean, let's just quickly have a quick how long does great white last in captivity? I really like Dusha imagining that you've kept the shake out and the mayor is like, well, great. You're like, no, no, you hired me to do a job. And he's like, no, this doesn't work.

No, no, I'll figure out how to drain the sea. Don't worry. Well, you don't have to drain the sea. Look, again, within days or weeks, this is in terms of a great white being in captivity, they were dead. The longest that a great white has been kept in captivity is 198 days.

And they were trying to keep it alive. Yeah, that's true. I'll be the opposite. They'll be like, should we feed this shark? Like, no, no. Not at all. That would be insane. We're gonna starve it to death. So maybe instead of a ice rink,

what about a natural giant sea aquarium, JD? Oh, SeaWorld that shit. Yes, there is a shake. it is oh no it died go back oh well who cares enjoy your swim hi i'm an animal rights group oh no who cares is an intense thing to say what are you gonna do with all this infrastructure designed to look after shakes? What's your plan now?

I'll probably put a boy in there or something. I don't know. I'll raise something in there. A boy? Yeah. He's struggling to swim in there. So what? Should you build like a floating island

like you do with turtles or something? Yeah. Boys and turtles are basically the same. Just water is so funny. Oh, ground! And then people on the news, they're like, John Dusha, who worked for a company which claimed boys killed, has killed another boy.

Yeah, that was a tooth. Yeah. John, what do you have to say about it for yourself? I'm like, are you surprised you surprised like look at my sign this is on you in many ways why are you harassing me for doing my job that's my job

gesturing to the sign quite violently see the first one killer boy it's also good to imagine the mayor looking at like a half built aquarium on the sea front half of your sea thing like your sea

fence out like half built there's a big like snow machine just shooting snow into the water he didn't really follow through on any of his problems he half built two, then killed a boy. I mean, we're getting people coming to town, but for the wrong reasons.

Hey, is this that town where that maniac killed a boy? Tried to raise him like a shark? Like an absolute psychopath? Yeah. What the fuck? Yeah. Would you like to buy, like, a key ring? No. What about a T-shirt? Yeah. Would you like to buy like a key ring? No.

What about a t-shirt? No. No. The t-shirt just says, I was where a boy died. Would you like to go on a tour of the abandoned facility? It's sad. Question, why did nobody stop this? We didn't know what he was doing, to be honest

He said he was going to do something surprising He kept saying step one was to build a fence And so we built the fence Then step two was freeze the lake He spent days out there by the sea just looking at it I don't think he thought about how to freeze it I think he just thought he would naturally fall into it. Yeah.

We're an island somewhat, I think, near the equator. Yeah, it's really quite warm. Quite warm. And the temperature here is steady. It's consistent. It's good to imagine, Dusha, you walking down to the beach holding a big bag of ice, throw it into the sea, a wave just pushes it behind

you. Then like the mayor's looking at you from like the board walk or something and you're like, not enough ice I reckon, hold on. I've just got to go to the servo, I'll be back. In my mind you have an icy pole as well.

Yeah, I'm wearing thongs and board shorts as well. But they're shirt and tie. Shirt and tie rolled up like pants at the ankles. More ice. Gotta be colder. The mayor's like, I know. I figured. The mayor's like, he was just at the ocean Staring out at the horizon

I thought he was devising plans But in hindsight He was ranking Weezer albums in his head Okay How about this JD Because I know Well basically what you're trying to do is Kind of put a cap over the ocean

So And you're doing it Trying to freeze the ocean What about instead of An ice skating rink A skating rink What if we turn the ocean into a skate park by building on top of it?

That's sick, Joel Zammett, but it depends what my budget is because the first part of your sentence gave me an even better idea. Yes. I'm trying to freeze the ocean, but what if I just drag where the ocean was already frozen to where I am? Let's bring the ice caps to Amity.

Great. Hail. Boat and a chain. Easy. It's great to imagine you once again, but like in Antarctica. Just looking at the frozen place. Or looking at a tugboat, looking at a chain. And imagine all them key chains that you have for your wallet.

And you're like... It's great to imagine you've got the end of the chain that has a hook on it you just like look at the ground and just kind of half embed it

I guess go Jane just drags Luffy's eyes into the water wait that didn't work stop reverse reverse

come back the mayor's driving the boat and he's like what what's the plan here It's just too cold I'm gonna go inside make a hot drink Have a think about this

It's good to imagine you with a butter knife Trying to cut out a bit of the The ice shelf It's really it's bigger than I thought it would be Yeah Yeah I think so Yeah I thought because it was in water it would float But I think it would be. Yeah. Can you do it still? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, not because it was in water, it would float,

but I think it's land under bits of this. Did you know that? I did. Oh, fuck. Fuck. Is the Arctic ice different? Yes, in places. Okay, can we go there?

I guess. Whoa, still great. This one does seem like significantly less land, though. Is there anywhere I can hook this? Do you mean on the ice shelf? Yeah, like something sticking out, I can just hook it in. Yeah, you know, like the same way they tow a car. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The mayor being like, no, and you're like, ooh, sort of needed that.

What if I bring a really big peg, like a tent peg, and I just hammer that into the ice and then how big put the chain around sure yeah about as big as a man maybe maybe bigger actually and i'm gonna need a big hammer like uh you know the hammer that mario uses in the mario brothers games i suppose so yeah like the the one that's as big as him so mario is a small man but relatively i think i'm gonna need a hammer the same the same like size difference that mario and the hammer is to me and the hammer yeah do you know what i mean i'm gonna need a big hammer what about when i'm construction like equipment that's like a big machine that's like i got

into the ground oh no what do you yeah like that could you imagine amityville or whatever it's just tanking because all of the money that the man is going into your scheme he hard built an aquarium he fenced off the ocean took the man to antar Antarctica and the Arctic. The mayor has a really inhuman amount of faith in this man. It's shocking. Well, what you've done is, for an extended period of time, you've taken away the mayor of that town to kind of, I guess, let Sheriff Brody do his thing. So you might have come back,

and the problem's somewhat fixed itself. Yeah, but the economy's tanked because all the money was spent on hiring boats and big hammers. Yeah, we wasted all our economy on a really big hammer. Yes. Now you've got a lot of use for it. Okay, so you've got a really big hammer, a half-built aquarium, an angry Sheriff Brody who's definitely killed a shark, and a dead boy.

So how do you turn this into profit? I use the big hammer to knock down the wall I built, and then I say, Hey, guys, remember the beach? It's open again. You create a problem. You solve the problem you frame yourself as the hero

Sheriff Brody wanted you to stay out of the beach he even built this wall killed that boy and wasted the mayor's money on trips to very cold places

not today smash up on the wall me and my big hammer have solved another problem smash up on the wall a big shake comes in eats you

oh no Jaws 2 that's right Jaws happens twice so the way to to kind of recuperate those losses was to knock down a wall for free yes

well whereas Samet's plan was one big bad plan and bad job, yours was like many little bad jobs. That's pretty cool. Hey, it's a good job if you hated that boy I killed. Yeah, you're not incorrect.

Very good point. I think a lot of LBJs there. Yeah, a lot of LBJs. Little bad Js. LB Johnson. Yeah. Okay, so here's my plan, right?

We know, look, yeah, we can say boat attacks, but we know really shakes are killing people. Yes. But maybe that's a good thing. You know who are perverts? Billionaires. Perverts for violence and sex, yes. Yeah, so I contact billionaires perverts for violence and sex yes yeah so i contact billionaires somehow jeff bozo whatever his name is hey jeff ponzo want to see a guy die from because of a

shark it feels like the mayor's not involved the mayor hired us too and then didn't hire you and you've gone rogue to prove that you had a better plan i just saw i'll show that mayor sharks kill innocent people i'm like that's a money maker right there time to call chef bonzo's or whatever his name is hello chef bonzo's famous chef would you like to see a man get sharked i mean shaked i mean sharked so people pay me exorbitant amounts of money to throw other people whose lives they deem less worthwhile off the pier into the shake and then i make fat cash and buy tourist trinkets from the gift shop in Amityville, and that boosts the economy. I buy heaps of trinkets.

Question. So Amity Island is in the USA, right? Mm-hmm. Now, last time I checked, murder was still a crime. Not for billionaires. Billionaires can do it. I mean, perhaps. But how are you advertising this?

Dark web. Hello. My name is Jackson Bailey, and I know where there's a big shark. Want to see it and kill people on it, with it? Meet me at this address. And then I put in the pier. Okay. I'm a wealthy billionaire with a hard-on for killing people with sharks.

They should have come to my town. Why do I need to come through you when this would be on the news? I know where the sharks are. Because as a wealthy billionaire, I'd have an alert Maybe to be like shark attacks Yeah you got an app for it Dangerous shark Well and now I have somewhere to be Okay okay fair point

Step one of the plan Is collect a lot of chum Okay and then I take that chum At night say midnight every night At the beach and I tip it off the pier. And I attract, slowly, Jaws. Over time, Jaws wants the chum. And then I know where Jaws will be at midnight, because I've kind of domesticated him, albeit.

At the public pier everyone has access to. Yeah, but Jaws only knows to come... I mean, I don't care if jaws kills other people during the day that's not my problem yeah but you're but yeah you're giving away your business for free yeah but they don't the millionaires don't know that yet they don't know where the jaws will be not until i write that article on the deep web i have been throwing chum off the edge of this pier for the last year come throw throw a guy off there and pay me $10 million. Why didn't I just go there and throw a guy off there

and not pay you $10 million? Oh, no! Exclamation mark, exclamation mark, exclamation mark. Please don't. And how does that improve Amity? Don't tell anyone. How does that improve Amity Island's economy? They didn't hire me.

No, I told you. They pay me lots of money. I go to the gift shop. I buy Amity Island's economy? They didn't hire me. No, I told you. They pay me lots of money. I go to the gift shop. I buy Amity Island t-shirts, Amity Island keychains, caps, shorts, underwear, shoes. I'm a walking advertisement for Amity Island, and I wear them once a day and throw them in with the chum. And then I buy new ones. I'm so rich. I am the economy.

I'm so rich, I am the economy. They could kill everyone in town, and should, and just rely on me to buy stuff from the gift shop. With the money I've acquired feeding people sharks with Jeff Bezos. If everyone is dead. The mayor, I don't mind. I mean, maybe instead, as opposed to advertising on the dark web, all you've got to do is find one wealthy pervert and then be like, hey, why don't you buy this town and then, you know,

we can just feed it the shark, anyone you want, and I'll be your enforcer. Hi, wealthy billionaire, I have a proposition for you. How about you buy this shark? I'm selling Jaws. Dear Lon Musk. Dear Lon Musk from Mars, I'm selling one shark. His name's Jaws.

$10 billion, I'll show you where he is. What's to stop the wealthy billionaire from pushing you into Jaws? I'm wearing floaties, so at least I'll float. And I've covered myself in a foul-smelling liquid beforehand, so Jaws doesn't want to eat me. Cod liver oil, let's say. So even if he does eat me, he vomits me right back up. Maybe that's part of the plan.

Jeff Bezos gives me a million dollars, pushes me into Jaws. Jaws eats me, vomits me right back up. Maybe that's part of the plan. Jeff Bezos gives me a million dollars. Pushes me into Jaws. Jaws eats me. Vomits me up onto the beach. Go to the gift shop. Buy a bunch of hats. Done. Everyone else in town could die for all I care.

I like the idea of you making yourself shark repellent by taking up smoking and claiming that your meat's gone bad. He won't want to eat me. I'm acrid. It's gross in there. I smoke so much that your meat's gone bad you won't want to eat me i'm acrid it's gross in there i smoke so much that my meat's gone bad the jeff bezos or whatever being like i'll push you in i'm like do it i don't care i haven't paid you yet okay well okay well pay me first oh no taking up smoking did nothing. Now I'm just addicted to cigarettes. Yeah. So your plan is to acquire

the business of a wealthy pervert. Yes. By selling them jaws. By selling them location that a lot of people know. No, it doesn't have to be location. I'll just sell them the shark. Okay. They buy the shark. Great.

Expecting to get a shark. Thank you for the transaction. Have a good day. And then I head off. So you're not... You're selling them the idea of a shark all of a sudden. Well, it's sort of a con, I guess. Oh, okay.

So... Yeah. So your plan now is to... They give me the money. Pretend you're selling a shark. I have a contract written up, right? You now own one Jaws, property of Jeff Bezos. And they're like, thank you very much for the shark.

And I'm like, you're welcome. It's in the sea. And then I leave. The shark's theirs, legally. And I go to the gift shop and I buy an inflatable shark or whatever they sell there. I don't know. A ruler that says Amity on it. Economy's boosted.

I'm $10 billion richer. Jeff Bezos has a shark. I go home. All right. I'm wealthy billionaire and man who doesn't let Amazon employees piss Jeff Bezos. Hi. I... It's Jackson from the deep web.

Hi, Jackson from the deep web. Hi, Jackson from the deep web. Why do I want to buy- Did I not have used my real name? People told me I should have. I used my full name, apparently. And a terrible thing you do. Why do I want to buy this shark and not just a shark? It's huge.

Yeah, but- One of the biggest sharks i've ever seen jeff bezos yeah but i can just get a smaller shark and be happy and i can put that shark in an aquarium good for you you've bought yeah that's not what i'm selling why did you come all this way if you were just gonna fuck me around jeff bezos came all this way to the pier To Amityville Horror Just fuck me around I just gestured to the sea It's out there

It's a shark Jeff Okay Does what it likes Do you own this shark? Nobody owns a shark except you In five minutes when you sign this document I think I probably just Jeff Bezos

probably just pushes you off the pier. Nice try. I've been smoking. My meat's bad. And then... Hop! Hop! I was gonna buy so many knickknacks! And as you get hit by a shark, famous billionaire Jeff Bezos gets a big hard-on

because he's a pervert for murder or whatever. Oh no! Oh no! I was trying to sell perversion, but I became perversion. This is a kind of poetry! Eaten by the shark.

So I think, um, yeah, bad job. I think my one failing is that I didn't own the shark I was selling. I think your one failing is that you got killed. No, no, there's more than one failing. That wasn't anything. That was a plus for everyone involved.

The one success was that he got himself. The biggest failing there was you didn't own the shark, nor have any way of controlling the shark. You can't sell a thing you didn't own the shark Nor have any way of controlling The shark You can't sell a thing you don't own If you're doing it as a scam Sure Like those people that sold the Eiffel Tower

I mean that's great But um I guess I never went to When directly questioned by Jeff I said I didn't own the shark that was when you're scamming someone into believing you own a thing you gotta say you own a thing yeah so when you are when you are trying to scam or sell a shark pervert um a shark don't be near the shark so that he can push you in and get his jollies off yeah get a big stiffy yeah i shouldn't

have given jeff bezos a big stiffy that Yeah, I shouldn't have given Jeff Bezos a big stiffy. That was my one failing. Well, at least you two got your $10. That's a small win for the plumbing boys. You know, we'll take that. I got to kill a boy. You two got paid, you got to kill a boy. I'm in a shark's guts now.

I got Jeff Bezos off, so... I was like, look, once again, even though maybe the Amity Islands economy might be tanking, our own personal economy rising. Absolutely. $20 up. And I'm sure I'll steal some chips off the Mac as you get, so I'm doing okay as well.

But aren't you at? You would at as well. We're all at. We just crawl our way back back bloody and full of shark teeth to our little shop and i'm like did you guys get a tenner and you're like yeah and i'm like i don't own that shark turns out can i have some of your chips yeah we all crawled through a shark's anus alive so we deserve some chips yes and on that note, I've been Joel I've been Jackson

And I've also been Joel Call us if you need a hand for anything Boys killed, economies fixed We'll do it We'll do it all Ten bucks Thanks for listening If you want to help support this show And all the other shows on the Sandspans Radio Network,

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