Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Sell The Pen (From Woof/Wolf of Wall Street)?

Episode Date: September 11, 2022

Join the Bad Brain Boys as they go up market and tackle prestige cinema in the shape of Wolf of Wall Street, this week the boys answer the question ‘How Would You Sell The Pen From Woof of Wall Street?’. Jackson enters the void where having a pen means power, Duscher forgets his idea then turns to brute force and bribery while Zammit enlists Jordon Belfort old friend - drugs.Buy our terrible merch here and check out the Bad Brain Boys on Apple Podcasts at apple.co/badbrainboys. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ahem. Ahem. You're listening to the Sandspantz Network. Hey everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star. I'm Joel. I'm Jackson. I'm also Joel. And today we're here to ask the important questions, and to prove to you all that we watch prestige cinema and not just superheroes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. Because today, as you would have read in the episode title, Oh, of course. We're here to ask the important question how would you sell the pen from wolf of wall street The movie mama really is. You're not going to get that close, but you can smell this pen. Normal pen costs you $1. Who knows? This pen from the movies? $50. Yeah, so Martin Scorsese famously said,

I directed Wolf of Wall Street. He also famously said- Did you say Wolf of Wall Street? Wolf. Isn't it Wolf? This guy's saying Wolf. Wolf of Wall Street. It's a wolf.

Wolf. Like L-F. Are you saying Wolf or Wolf? I'm saying Wolf. Wolf of Wall Street. It's a wolf. Wolf. Like owl, owl. Are you saying wolf or wolf? I'm saying wolf. Okay. Wait. Can you say wolf or wolf? I'm saying wolf.

Like wolves. I hear the L. I hear the L. I hear the L. I hear the L. Okay, all right. Not wolf as in like wolf. Wolf of Wall Street.

Not wolf like a dog. Not like I've just heard an episode of- Not wolf of Wall Street. Not like I've just heard an episode of Plumbing the Death Star and I've had to decide to leave a review and I've gone, Wolf. Two stars. Wolf.

Wolf. Wolf. Wolf. Wolf. Wolf. Wolf. Wolf. Wolf.

Wolf. Wolf. Wolf. Wolf. Wolf. Wolf. Wolf. Wolf.

Wolf. Wolf. Wolf. Wolf. Wolf. Wolf. Wolf. Wolf.

Wolf. Wolf. Wolf. Wolf. Wolf. Wolf. Wolf. Wolf. Wolf. Wolf. Wolf. Wolf. Wolf. Wolf. Wolf. Wolf. Wolf. Wolf. Wolf. Wolf. Wolf. Wolf. Wolf. Wolf. Wolf. Wolf. Wolf. Wolf. Wolf. Wolf. Wolf. Wolf. Wolf. Wolf. Okay. Okay. Wolf of Wall Street. So if you remember correctly on this film that is based on a real life piece of shit's life. Yes. At the end of the film, Jordan Belford, played by Leonardo DiCaprio, is running a seminar. I think that he was.

It is Belford. We had this discussion. Is it Ford or Fort? Belford. We had this discussion. Is it Ford or Fort? Belford. Belford? It did sound like a D. It did sound like a D. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you want us to pronounce it? Like if one of those words comes up, you just throw it at us. Jordan. Belford. Belford. Yep. In Wolves of Wall Street. Wolves.

Tent. Yes. In Wolves of Wall Street. Wolves. Tent. Yes. Okay. What about it?

He's running a seminar, which is something that he was doing in the real life too, which is fucked up because he's a piece of shit guy. But also, these seminars are always run by piece of shit guys. So I guess I'm not surprised. You want to learn how to be rich? Well, it costs like $800. I'm rich. I'm rich. So the ticket's $800.

And if you can, because I saw where it was, it was like 200 people here. So don't do the math. That's rule one. Don't worry about how I'm staying rich. Don't think about it, because I'm rich. But obviously also, the fact that I'm rich is what made you come to the seminar, but don't

try and figure out how I'm rich. Anyway, it's $800 a ticket. Don't think about the price. Don't trust seminars. No one honest has ever run a seminar. I stand by that. Except for that one guy. He's the one...

The one honest seminar-man? The one honest pickup artist. The guy that claims to have had the most make-outs in the world. You can trust that man. He sells DVDs for like $150. Oh, yeah. You can trust anyone that sells a $150 DVD. Are you bragging about the making-out?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll show you a picture of the guy. He's got the most makeouts of anybody on the planet. Is this like, is it from like, is it Party Monster, that guy? I don't know. I know the way the guy looks, though, but yeah. Is this the guy that was like, invented peacocking or whatever? No.

I don't think it's that guy. It's this guy. All right. He's got the most amount of makeouts. Most amount of makeouts. Maximum makeouts a person can have. There's actually no max to the amount of makeouts you can have. Vince Kelvin is his name. He has over 5,000 makeouts.

It's cool that you're counting, dude. That's a lot of makeouts. Anyway. You don't go further because people are like, oh, your lips are gross. Yeah, yeah. 5,000 makeouts. And let me just check how much, because he's written.

Yeah. You can trust this guy. He's written books called, and there's exclamation marks at the end. Exclamation marks at the end of all of these titles. So you know that they're trustworthy. Unbelievable, yeah. Same night sex system. Are you going to do it like it's excited?

Same night sex system. Same night sex system. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Say goodbye to sexual starvation. I'm so hungry for sex. So hungry for pussy. Oh, my God.

My belly aches for pussy and dick. I haven't had enough cock and I'm emaciated. Oh, my God. I'm withering away. You don't understand. I skipped breakfast dick for this. So you can buy the Cosmic Code Convention online edition for $127 US dollars. Wow.

How is this person staying rich? I do not know. For only $120, you can buy this terrible book. I found a fucked up book the other day in Airbnb I was staying in. Oh, sorry. $127. That's for a four DVD box. That's pretty good.

That's actually unreal. So the book I found, I forget what it was called, but it was, so if you have trouble writing a letter to someone, or like filling out a card, this book had pre-written things that you could copy and put in the card. You know what it also has?

No, but hear me out. So it went from birthdays at one end, to a person you love is dying, at the other end. To somebody has lost a child. And it was like, here's a pre-written thing that you could just plug and play to you don't have to think about it whatsoever.

And they were really personal too. It was a very strange book. Like, look, having a sort of, not a template, but something to be like, I'm either, my friend's child has died and I am suffering right as block if only i could a book oh my god i've got it like having like a something to like you know it's a bounce no it was very implicitly you just copy and put this in you know you know what's good yeah

imagine if you lost a child and you've got like your good friends like say you've got like like 10 of your good friends have all given you like a personal letter as the exact same one from this fucking book. Do you have the same copy of the book? Yeah, we all got it because we didn't know what to say. It's an expensive book, so you've got to understand. It's like 10 bucks on eBay and we don't have the money. Guys, you know you're my friends. Yeah, well, I didn't have anything to say.

You can use the book too if you ever need it. We're friends. We're pals. Get out of my friend. Yeah, well, I didn't have anything to say. You can use the book, too, if you ever need it. We're friends. We're pals. Get out of my house. I didn't have anything to say. Get out of your house. Well, I've got actually a letter here that says you should let me stay in your house. Is your friend asking you to leave his house after you've insulted him with one of these pre-written templates?

Don't you worry about it. We got you covered, buddy. It was a crazy book. Was that book in a bookstore or online? It was in a bookshelf at the Airbnb. So they were using it. Oh, that's sick. Because here's another thing you'd do if that book's on a shelf. Yeah.

Flick to the page of the thing that you want, take a photo with your phone, put it back up. How many of those pre-written things do you reckon you'd use? None. And there were like maybe 10 to a particular occasion. Oh, yeah. Imagine you're dying. Imagine you're lying in a hospital bed with a terminal illness. It would cheer like maybe 10 to a particular occasion. Well, yeah. Imagine you're dying. Imagine you're lying in a hospital bed with a terminal illness. It would cheer me up, to answer your question.

Your friend's like, hey, I couldn't think of what to say because I feel nothing about this. It's like a hand you a photocopy of the page that just put in your name, their name. Just hand the book with a bookmark in it, the page. Pick any of these 10. I probably feel one of those ways. One of them was like, I'm at our favorite cafe. That's, what is that? Good.

That's what it is. It's great to imagine that someone is just copying that verbatim. We're at your favorite cafe. But you wouldn't be. The best part is like. You're going to put your name in the cafe, isn't it? No. Because like with this book.

What favorite cafe? I fucking hate cafes. Now I'm dying faster! And harder! Stop it! Yeah. Yeah, well, because, like, I guess, like, with those books, like, like Zabit was saying, like, getting ideas, if you're, like, really suffering.

Yeah, yeah, for sure. But to then give something to someone that you've copied verbatim verbatim yeah i'm really struggling to talk verbatim yeah verbatim yeah uh insulting but then to have lies in it is also good to hand it over and they're like i'm writing this in our favorite cafe and i'm like speaking to your wife what wife that? That's not true. Oh, was there any infidelity ones? Because that would be sick. I think there might have been. I'm sorry I fucked your wife slash husband.

Dear wife slash husband, I'm sorry that I slept with your sister slash brother slash friend. Mom slash dad. Anyway, I'll try to track that a copy of the book because I'd like to own it. Dear the wife, I am sorry I fucked your dad. Oh, and then a lot of them also had a little thing at the end of the chapter that was like if you want to incorporate God into these,

here's how. It was a crazy book. Dear the wife, I am sorry that I fucked your dad. But God told me to, and he gave me a thumbs up. Through God, all things are possible. I want you to know that God is also watching and is upset with me,

and I have the burden of guilt and God. Dear Da Wife, I'm sorry I slept with the dad. Dear the wife, I'm sorry I slept with the dad. The God keeps saying turn the other cheek and I should get forgiveness or whatever. I think you should forgive me as that is the most important thing to do right now. By the way, I'm writing this in our favorite The Coffee Shop. Anyway, in the movie Wolf of Wall Street. Jordan Belfort He

A real life guy Sack of shit Sack of shit He says He comes down to the Cunts in the crowd And he's like He's poor fucks

Out of 800 bucks 800 bucks in the hole I'm gonna teach you Something fucking You're gonna It's gonna blow your fucking mind You're gonna piss your pants Right here in the fucking

I'm gonna give you this pen Sell me this pen And then the first guy's like Oh it's a It's a beautiful It's a fucking oh, it's a beautiful pen. It's a fucking sick pen. It's a sick pen. You can put it on your penis and it's so good for sounding.

Yeah. And Joe DeBoffet says, wrong. Wrong. This pen is terrible for sound. My first thought is, what pen? And I steal the pen. What, now? But you're trying to sell the pen. I'll swallow it down. Okay, so you're trying to sell the pen.

I'll swallow it down. You're trying to sell the pen. So the question was how would you sell, and step one of your plan is steal the pen. Okay, you've acquired the pen. You're going to get given to sell. So now what? I say, where's your pen?

And he says, I don't have it. And I say, well, you're going to keep doing the seminar. You're going to need the pay back. Okay, so the difference here is, okay, so you've, in the movie, The Wolf of Wall Street, a movie that Martin Scorsese directed, and it's important that

we do episodes like this. For him, for Martin. For Martin, because previously he has said that Marvel's superhero movies make me sick to my guts. And any podcast that comments on them, likewise. Makes my balls tingle with rage. That's a direct Martin Scorsese quote. I know, yeah.

And if we're going to get invited to the Oscars, we've got to talk about French. Which we would love to do. It's the night of nights! It's the night of nights. It's Hollywood's finest, yeah, finest night. Dining experience. I'm here at the Oscars for the food. You guys got lobster here?

Is that good? It's here, but it's like, yeah, like lobster and clams or whatever. I'm here for the clams and the white wine. You guys, it's seafood dinner, yeah? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, right? Well, most people here at the Oscars don't really eat that much because they're too busy

worrying about making sure that they don't put food and drink on themselves. But where are the clams? Well, that means that's more food for me because I don't really eat that much because they're too busy worrying about making sure that they don't put food and drink on themselves. But where are the clams? Well, that means that's more food for me because I don't care. I'm not going up on stage. I'm just sucking down clams and the crabs.

I don't know if you know this, sir, but I bought my own bib. Just says clams. And my own gloves for ripping apart a lobster or crab. You got crab, yeah? I'm here for the Hollywood clams.

The famous Hollywood clams. And don't worry, I got my own utensils. Yeah, yeah, crab. I'm here for the Hollywood clams. The famous Hollywood clams. Don't worry. I got my own utensils. I got my... I got clam forks. I got clam forks. This is to crack open a big old clam. Yeah.

I put a clam hammer. I'm ready. Sir, I'm so sorry. I confused you for Ben Affleck. Please, come to the clam table. Yes. They've set that up so that I don't go inside. It's outside. It's outside.

It's outside. There's seagulls circling you trying to steal clams. I love Hollywood's night of nights. This is a crack. Go away. Fighting off seagulls. Stealing your clams. The glitz and glamour.

Shitting all over your suit. Yeah, there's seagull shit all over the clam table. But I got my clam hammer and my clam fork. I'm happy. You're the happiest you've ever been. And that's why we're doing this episode so you can achieve that.

Yeah, thank you. That's so kind of you. But yeah, in the movie, the guy that is successful in selling the pen does what you're doing except minus the eating the pen. So I just want to know

how eating the pen because he's like, can I borrow your pen or whatever? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then John Belfort doesn't have the pen so he's like, uh-huh. Well, if I just take the pen off you.

So you eat it. Yeah. Then what's, how you sell, okay, so you don't have the product anymore either. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So how are you selling this pen to me? So say, okay, look, you have a pen. Okay. I want a pen. And you've eaten the pen. I want a pen.

And you've eaten the pen that I was going to buy from you. How have you sold me? What was your strategy? It's scarcity. You've created pen scarcity, yes. I've got to also make sure that he doesn't have any pens backstage. Once again,

I'm buying a pen. I push past. I'm buying a pen. I push past. I'm buying a pen from you. I push past. I rush backstage to see if there's any pens he has. Okay, so you find one box of pens. One? Okay.

Eat them all except one. Okay. So you've eaten all the pens except one, so you're back at exactly the same position you were before you ate any of the pens. But the pen scarcity is higher, so I can charge more for the pen. But the pen in the activity of

selling the pen... The only pen available! So there's one pen. You have then eaten that pen, so the one pen has become zero pens, ruining the activity. You've then run backstage, found the box of pens, and I believe a box of pens was like 20 pens. You've eaten another 19 pens, run back, tummy full of pens,

sat back down and been like, oh, you've got one pen again. Which is the same amount you started with and the same amount available to the activity. Not the same amount available to Jordan Balford. Once again. It's the pen. You're not trying to sell. What are you doing?

So you've got a tummy full of 20 pens now. You've eaten the 19 from the box plus the original pen. You feel very sick. Your tongue's blue from ink. And you're holding a pen now. You got a lot of pen wounds in your stomach. Wouldn't you love this pen? 50 buck.

For what? For the pen. You've've not so i want a pen yeah and you're selling me that one for 50 yes that's your strategy but i've ruined it but there's so few pens left in the market initially you had one pen and that was the only pen available plus the 20 pens backstage backstage don't count because you have one pen. You are a man in a store. It sells, it has one pen. That is it. People have come into your store and they're like, I want to buy this one singular pen.

That convinced me to purchase it. And you've just eaten the pen and then you've run to the neighboring store next door and eaten their pens and then come back with the same scenario i'd have to eat way more pens this is a real world scenario no in a scenario where i run a pen store that has one pen yes i need to go to all the other pen stores in the area and eat their pens. It's great that I, needing a pen, has gone to the next

door because you're in the other place eating all these pens, and I'm like, can I buy a pen before that maniac eats these pens? I guess I've produced scarcity for all of the pen sellers in the area. There's no one else. There is one pen.

All you have done is hurt yourself. Okay, okay. You live, so okay. You are in, you are in an empty fucking void. Okay? That just contains you, me, a store you're in, and a single pen. Well, if we're in the void, I want the pen. Why? Because the pen is power

in the void. For what reason do you need the pen? Why are you operating a store to sell the pen if you don't want to sell the pen? Well, if we're in the void, it's the only pen in existence. It's become incredibly valuable

and I don't know if I want to sell it off just yet. I'm the void. I'm the only guy who can write. I'm realizing a snyder. I might try and wrestle the pen off him and stab him. Okay, well, I guess to try to sell the pen, I've been killed. Which is surprising.

Not expected. Death by a ballpoint pen just going straight in between your eyes. You're not understanding the thought experiment. Jordan's like, sell me this pen

and that all flashes through my mind. I'm like, better ask someone else. No. So yes. No. No, thank you. Sell me this pen. No. No. No, thank you.

Sell me this pen. No. No. I'm going to play your silly games. It's better for me if I don't, actually. So, okay. I'm after a pen. Okay.

You are wanting to sell the pen. Okay, all right. How do you sell the pen? Well, you want the pen. How much? How do you sell the pen? Well, you want the pen. How much?

What do you got? It's like a group planning. Almost to a child. What do you got? You want a pen? You want a pen? Let's talk. I don't want a pen.

Convince me why you want a pen. Don't come to me. This is still wasting my time. Yeah, what are you doing? Convince me why you want a pen or not. You want a pen, then don't come to me. This is still wasting my time. Yeah, what are you doing? Do you want a pen or not? All right, all right, all right. Okay, okay, okay. In the void. Back in the void.

He's not going to sell the pen in the void. It's the only pen in the world. No, no, it's you. Okay. And another guy. You both have a pen each. You can't steal. You can't try and steal his pen. Okay then another guy. You both have a pen each. You can't steal. You can't steal. I take his pen.

You can't try and steal his pen. Okay. All right. Okay. It's like it's the president football situation. He's handcuffed to him. You can't take it. Well, then how's he going to sell it?

Now, there's one person, a customer. Okay. You got to try and sell me that pen before he sells me his pen. I wait to see how much that guy charges for his pen, and I undercut him. That guy's like, this pen, five bucks. I'm like, four bucks. Four bucks fifty I'll give you my pen. That's clever. I've come in.

Maybe I don't want a pen. What are you doing in my store? I'm browsing. Go away. Stop wasting my time. Someone's going to come in here and want a pen if it's not you. I'm the only customer. If I just jibber-jabber with you.

Yeah. And the customer comes in, oh, I'd like to buy a pen, but this fucking idiot's talking up. No, I'll fix this right now. You're trying to convince me to buy that pen. Why do I want to buy the pen, Jack? It's a great pen. I don't know.

Okay. So strategy one was self-harm through the ingestion of pens. Changing the economy, not at all. Tactic two is if you want to buy the pen, you'll buy the pen. I don't have to do anything. Yeah, you want the pen or not. If you want the pen, let's talk prices. If you don't want the pen, get out of my face.

Stop wasting my time. Okay. How would you advertise your pen? Well, tell me about the pen. It's a blue fucking pen. It's a blue ballpoint pen. You know those Bic pens? Yeah, that.

It's that. Want another pen? No, I've got a pen. But then don't come to me. no I've got a pen but then don't cut me so Jordan gives you the pen and you say

hey want this fucking pen he's like no I'm like well then yeah my pen my pen I guess I'll sell it to someone who does want it that's probably my strategy

so you're waiting it out until someone comes to you yeah okay yeah so okay alright alright so he's like he's less doing more of like a I guess a hustle So you're waiting it out until someone comes to you. Yeah. Okay. That's what I, yeah. So, okay, all right. All right.

So he's less doing more of like, I guess, a hustle culture. Yeah. As more of, I mean, he's not trying to go and seize the moment and try and make, you know, the sweet cheddar. Somebody's there waiting around and probably losing an opportunity. When opportunity knocks, he's not answering the door. Yeah. Yeah.

Somebody will want this pet. Sell me this pet. Well, someone's going to want it. Someone's going to want this eventually. Somebody's going to want it. Okay. Yeah, somebody will want this pen Tell me this pen. Well, someone's gonna want it. Okay, you don't really want this pen Jordan Balfour. You've got pens Leave me to have a fucking pen. How about Jordan? Yeah, your defense now reverse you're gonna reverse psychology is what you've actually landed on your defense right now Trying to be like well, okay, you don don't want it, you don't care. You don't have to take this pen off me. But I'll keep the pen.

Yeah. It might work. Maybe. Look, if you don't want the pen. Well, because this was never his plan. He just threw an offhand comment and we're like, oh, no, that's actually. You could do something like that. Well, hey, if you want this pen, like it's, well, you can't have it.

It's a fine pen, but if you don't want it, that's okay. I'll find someone who does. And that'll make use out of it. Somebody in this crowd's probably going to want a pen. Probably someone forgot one. We all paid $800, so I know they're good for cash. Yeah, they're cashed up.

Everyone in here is cashed up. We paid $800 to hear you say, yeah, I took quite a lot, crashed my car, now I'm here to sell you this fucking pen. That's all what I imagine. Hey! Hey, guess what? I did Quaaludes in the 60s.

The 80s, actually, I think. That's what I meant. I'm not that old. I'm fucked up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cool there's no overhead in selling that pen. Goss me nothing to get it. Just your dignity. Yeah, I guess, look.

So reverse psychology. No, okay, what have you landed on then? I've told you like four ways I'm selling the pen. Yes, you have, but which is the one that you think will work, and what are you putting a label on it as? The one where I'm like, hey,

you want this pen? How much? How much where I'm like, hey, you want this pen? How much? How much? So bartering. Yeah, I guess. Not, that's what it. He's bartering. He's bartering. Yeah.

You got to settle on one, boys. He's bartering. He's bartering. He's bartering. Because again, like Old Mate Punisher, who's in the film. Frank Grillo, that one? Yeah. He's like.

No, that's Crossbones. Yeah. I don't know, dude know dude well it doesn't matter because Martin Scorsese doesn't know either this is the episode for him exactly

because he's like you know what was it do you know his exact wording what he says I can find out exactly if you like

because he's very much he's like you create a scenario where the person you're trying to sell it needs a pen yeah yeah yeah and so that's the kind

of thing you need to try well that's what I tried to do, but you yelled at me for eating all the pens. You ate 20 pens. What was the scenario? They need a pen, Jack. All of his pens have been eaten by a maniac. And for the seminar he's doing, he needs a pen.

And now, not only do I have the pen that he has on stage, I've consumed every pen he has backstage and if he wants to go and get another pen he's gonna have to leave the seminar wasting our time and his so my one parent that i haven't eaten has become the most valuable pen in the room whereas before if i just ate the pen he could go back and get one of his 20 pens that he's got backstage. And so now this pen is the most valuable pen on earth for Jordan. So yeah, what I would do is before that, knowing that he's going to ask a question of how I'm going to sell this pen,

as opposed to eating them, just destroy them all or at least hoard them and also go and try and pickpocket every other person who's there, their pen as well. Because there's nothing stopping you being like, well, Jordan, I have the only pen that you want. And some cunt next to you being like, well, actually, I have a pen as well. Well, would you like to buy this pen? And now you're like trying to steal everyone's pen. So then, yes, for him to continue and not look like this egg on his face, like a big piece of shit that he is, he needs more pen. And if you have the only pen right now, it's very important for him to continue that seminar. How are you pickpocketing everybody's pickpocketing?

How am I pickpocketing? How are you pickpocketing everybody's pickpocketing? How am I pickpocketing? How are you pickpocketing everybody's pockets? Alright, well let's see How are you doing it without getting kicked out of the At the very start, when everyone's coming in We'll be like, we'll just start putting everyone's name down And writing everyone's name And as we're doing that, we may be trying

Making sure, checking you for I don't know, weapons or something. Okay. You pat them down, you take their piss. Do you want, so I know that we're halfway through Zabriskie talking through, but this is what happened. So here's the three failed attempts at the movie. And yeah, sure, we could have opened this, the episode with this, but we were busy making fun of how I twerk. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, we were. Twerk. Twerk. Yeah. Look, people say, hey, Joel, are you actually from Australia? You sound fucked up. Yeah. I am from Australia.

My parents are Australian. And yes, I do sound fucked up. Sometimes I sound American. Sometimes I sound fucked. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everybody on Plumbing the Death Star has got a fucked up voice. No, people have commented and said he sounds like he's talking through a mouth of yogurt. I've never heard that, but that's funny.

What's the difference between these two names, Alan and Alan? Yeah, exactly. I think they're two different names. It's the same word. Three full-on fucked-up voices. Elephant? Well, nobody's saying elephant.

Elephant. No, but it's like Ellen and Alan. No one's like elephant and elephant. No, but elephant. That's how we say it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, you say elephant. You can say elephant. Alan, how we say it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, you say elephant. You can say elephant.

Ellen. Ellen. Ellen. Ellen. You say them differently. We don't. Ellen. Ellen.

Ellen. Because I talk the best out of the three of us. Yeah, your favorites are talking the best. I'm the most eloquent of the three boys. Yeah. Anyway, Jordan Belfort is like, sell me this pen. First guy goes, this is the best pen ever made. Second guy goes, this may be the last pen you ever have to buy,

which is close to what you're trying to do. Sort of. And then someone's like, this is the same pen used by Abraham Lincoln. So lying. Yeah. The successful one takes the pen and then hands Jordan Belfort a piece of paper and says, write your name on this piece of paper. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There you go.

Oh, and then he looks at me when Jordan's like, huh. The guy's like, oh, you don't have a pen? Supply and demand, bro. Direct quote. Well, instead of pickpocketing people, which somebody could just see and be like, what are you doing? What about

if you, when you're letting people in, you're like, hey, there are pens provided. You know what I mean? Yeah, you get that out there. All you have is like a little,

like a bowl or something, or like a basket, which is like, you know, put all pens here. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I just have a little notice there. No one's going to question that. They might be like, oh yeah, I'll put all pens here. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But then, is every single of the hundreds of people in this seminar going to do that? Or, they already paid $900 for this ticket? Yes. Yeah, I guess they're all morons, including us. Yeah. We've got to think stupid.

Are we going to say stupid? No, we've got to think different stupid. Yeah. If we think stupid, we enter dangerous levels. It's like it can cause a singularity. We've got to be careful. The podcast will just stop and delete itself from your phone. What?

Some people would argue that's good. Well, your insane theory or insane move of eating a lot of pens. It's actually the smartest move anyone's ever made. There are ways to sell certain things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, hey, well, there's scarcity. See, I think if I watched someone eat pens, I wouldn't want a pen anymore. Why not?

What if I started talking about how delicious the pens were? Then the pen has two functions. Well, you've lost me. If someone is talking about pens, and then you watch a man eat 20 pens in front of you. What if I seem fine? No, but the concept of eating

a pen is either you're slurping them down and they're shooting straight down your throat, or you're chewing them, which is very unpleasant and long. But I don't mind. My mind... Yeah, you don't mind.

I look like I'm having a great time. That's not the point right now, Jackson. You would be having a great time. Because, yeah, if someone's doing... It's like, yeah, like... It'd be like if I was like, hey, do you want to buy a pen? And then you looked over and there was a guy sounding with the exact pen I was trying to sell you.

They're both, I would say, bad to see. Yeah, okay, all right. Then all of a sudden I'm like, oh, I don't think I want a pen anymore. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, again, it's why do I even need a pen? You need to be creating a reason. Hence, you know, write your name. Write your name.

Supply and demand, bro. Supply and demand, bro. Supply and demand, bro. So it could be something like, hey, right now, if you... Are you imagining me saying that after eating 20 pans? Yeah, but also I just thought... So basically what happened, at the start of this episode I had an idea, but then your

stupidity meant that my idea had just vanished, and I spent the last 15 minutes trying to remember it, because it was a pretty good idea. It has not come back to me but then I was laughing about something that I could do. Okay, alright, yeah, yeah. So basically I wasn't listening to you, I was thinking and being like, yeah, that's funny.

No, it wasn't I'm funny, it was like, yeah, that is a good idea. Let's explore Zama's idea of pickpocketing everybody off their pen so he has the only pen in the room. You're making a scarcity. Okay, so both of you have approached the only pen in the room situation You're making a scarcity. Okay, so both of you have approached the only pen in the room situation. I'm just trying to help him out.

Oh, so we're still on Jackson. Oh, still on me. I thought this was your plan. Yeah, me too. This is a fucked up plan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just trying to help out Jackson, because we're not in a void.

We aren't in a void. Because the moment you put it in the void, Jackson's not selling the pen. Because he wants to be the most powerful person in the void, something that apparently is only proven by having the pen. Because he wants to be the most powerful person in the void, something that apparently is only proven by having the pen. Well, if it's the only pen in existence, it's a pretty valuable pen.

And I'm the only guy who can write stuff down, I can draw pictures. Because I'm trying to work out a way that he's creating scarcity without eating pens. If he's just stealing them and hoarding them, so what you could do is be at the very start, maybe you are setting up a booth being like, oh, yeah, I'm part of the seminar. Donate your pens.

Either donate your pens or what we're doing is we're paying a dollar a pen. Oh, okay. You're buying everyone's pen for something a dollar. And then when he's like selling his pen, I'm like, I don't need to. If you have a pen. I don't need to. Everybody sold me their pens already and I get 300 bucks. So you've got pens and money? I don't need to. Everybody sold me their pens already, and I got 300 bucks. Move on to the next person.

So you've got pens and money? Do you know how selling things works? What are you talking about? So people sold you their pens, and you made 300 bucks? How? I sold back them pens. So you buy everyone's pens. You buy everyone's pens.

You have 300 pens, and you're down $300. Here's what happens. Let me talk you through it. Okay. Okay. At the beginning, at the entrance of the seminar. Yes. Everybody comes through.

I say, hey, we're buying everybody's pens. I'll give them a dollar a pen. Okay. So if someone comes up to me and says, we're buying people's pens, I'll give you a dollar a pen. I'll be like, I might need my pen. Okay. we're buying people's pens. I'll give you a dollar pen. I'll be like, I might need my pen. Uh, uh, okay.

Well, without me throwing that in, that's a curveball. One person just being like, I don't want to sell my pen. What? Okay. So yeah,

you buy everyone's pens. So let's say 300 people. Then I shave off all my hair. So I look like a different guy. Yeah. And then at the entrance of the seminar, I sell them. I dipped every pen in black paint or something at the entrance to the seminar, I sell them. I dipped every pen in black paint or something so they look different.

And I sell them back for $2. We've done a bunch of Plumbing the Death Star tours over the year. At least five, I think. And tours mean live episodes. Episodes maybe you've never heard. That's Primo, Plumbing the Death Star content you're missing out on. Well, no more. Head to sanspantsradio.com forward slash shop,

and you can grab a bunch of live tours as digital downloads, as well as wallpapers, dinosaur parks, and a fucking shit show of other digital content. So support the plumbing boys, show us some love, and head to sanspantsradio.com forward slash shop, and grab your digital downloads what a fucking nightmare to say but the seminar if i sell my pen uh-huh for a dollar and then i look over there and then two hours later there's a guy trying to sell me a pen for two dollars this seminar is dodgy i've

got a uniform like i work for the for wherever the seminar's being held. Yeah, but I just don't buy the pen. No, you've got no pen when it comes to the seminar. Yeah, but the seminar's over. Yeah. No, I do it before people go in. Yeah, before you do it. And then when are you selling them?

So you're buying the pen. So the seminar will be taking place within a grander exhibition center. Yes. So at the entrance to the exhibition center I buy the pens. And then at the entrance to the seminar room within the exhibition center How are you in two places at the same time, cunt?

And also, even if you do manage to be in two places at the same time, why would I sell you a pen and then buy a pen ten minutes later? Well, you don't think I'm the same guy. Yeah, but why would I buy a pen ten minutes later? We need one for the seminar! Why do I? If I thought that, you don't think I'm the same guy. Yeah, but why would I buy a pen 10 minutes later? Well, you need one for the seminar. Why do I? If I thought that,

I wouldn't sell my pen. Okay, well, maybe it's not a great idea. It was Zamat's idea anyway. I wanted to eat the pens, but I got yelled at, so. No, I was just trying to, you are creating a monopoly, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So then it's just like if you're buying everyone's pen for a dollar or something like that, because if you're going something and you're like, oh yeah, I probably don't need it, whatever, a monopoly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So then it's just like if you're buying everyone's pen for a dollar or something like that, because if you're going something and you're like, I probably don't need it, whatever, a dollar. Yeah. And then you need to create a scenario where everyone needs to write their name.

And so you go, right, okay, before Jordan even just like, sell me this pen, you snatch that pen, you push him out the way, you're a piece of shit. Anyway, whoever can write me their name and three of their favorite things or whatever is going to get $300. Oh, okay. So now I'm, yeah. Well, yeah, I guess I could work. Thank you.

I like your pen buyback program. For it to work, every one of these fucking idiots that's going to this seminar they spend $800 to come to this seminar well they are stupid they are stupid yeah yeah yeah but they're like

walking in they're like I've brought my pen from home because I might need it for the seminar the first person they interact with

at this place because it's before they get into the seminar is you being like we're doing a buyback I say it for security reasons it's for security reasons maybe

we provide you with a safer pen is you being like, we're doing a buyback. I say it for security reasons. It's for security reasons, maybe. We provide you with a safer ban. I'm just trying to help him out by being like, you create a monopoly, and you create a scenario where if you have the thing that you need, like how, you know, supplying the man, you have that where you're like, well, you need to do something. So you can make an activity where it's like, well, whoever can write me their name first in

blue ink will get 20 bucks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You need a pen? Wow. If the buyback program has failed and even a single person has kept it, you're down 20 bucks. I'm down 320 bucks.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But those are my ideas. What about you guys? So I think when Jordan Balfour comes to me, it's important to remember how Jordan Balfour dresses. Always suit, always tie. Gotta look rich. He leans over to hand me the pen.

I grab the pen and his tie. I pull down. He smacks his head on the table. And then I'm holding the pen to him, and I say, I can't stab you with this pen if you buy this pen off me. Okay. Physically threatening sort of a bullying tactic. I like that.

Like a shakedown. If you don't buy this pen, someone might, I don't know, break their knees. It would be really sad if this pen ended up in the back of your neck because I'm still holding. Yeah, it would be real sad if something happened to your neck with this pen. For $500, you can have the pen and I've got

nothing to stab you with. Think about that, Jordan, and I'm still holding this die. Maybe I pull it down again. So he smacks his face one more time. We'll chuck in an extra $10,000 and I won't do that again. I like Jordan Balfour slamming it at the table being like, this is not going to be an effective strategy in real life.

But okay. But right now it is very effective. You cannot run a store like this. But. I've assessed the situation, Jordan. I'm a master tacticalist. Or tactician I guess If you want to use the right word

Don't need to be clever if you're tough What about the consequences when you leave the exhibition center What consequences The cops I was doing his activity I was sorting his puzzle Hey cop here's a sneaky dinner leave me alone Yeah bribe the police

Okay Do we think I guess it's not really a seminar you can fail. Yeah. So there's no consequences. Because, yeah, okay, I get arrested. I'm like, oh, I'm really sorry. I think I misunderstood. Yeah, it was just a.

In the moment, Jordan just put me on the spot, and my just like gut reaction was to slam his head into my desk. And threaten him with the pen that he was trying to sell me. I thought he was going to attack me. I don't know. Anyway, I got $10,000 there. It was pretty good. Yeah, or you can at least pay your bail.

I'll also be the very first person to actually get money for the pen in the seminar. I'm trying to think. Is there any way you could be like, maybe it's like, oh, you can hire out the pen. Does he have security? He would have security. Of course he would have security. Would they just shoot me? Or shoot you.

But could accidentally shoot Jordan. Yeah, that's true. Well, what if you don't do something as aggressive as, like, donking his head on the desk? Because pulling someone's tie so that they slam their head on a table is the funniest thing you can do. Oh, it's real. Especially if the Jordan Balfour, a man who would never see that coming.

Ties are for nerds, dickhead. He is exceedingly wealthy, though. So, like, if he wanted to, he could get probably sent away for life. Oh, yeah. He's exceedingly wealthy. He could have me killed and probably there would be no consequences. Yeah. But you'd have sold him the bat.

Me, personally, that's a no consequences. Yeah. But you'd have sold him the bat. Although, me personally, that's a tricky one. Yeah. Because I think that probably around 50% of the population could probably put a hit on me with no consequences. Yeah. Yeah. But could you just, like, instead of... Threatening him with the... Well, instead of assault, just do, like, give him a wet willy or, like, a...

What do you call it when you... Swirly? Give him a swirly. I think bullying him, here's the thing. Finance guys are all fucking nerds and losers. But they think they're cool. It's just a nerd in a suit. That's all a finance guy is.

Yeah, but nerds often wear suits. It's a nerd on drugs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a nerd in a suit on cocaine. Yeah. So surely I could tap into that somehow. Yeah. You don't even need to do anything

actually. He's like, give me the pen, you just pull your fist up and he's like, oh fuck. And you're like, two for flinching. Buy my pen or I will talk. I'll hit you again. And you don't even have to hit him once. You just gotta threaten him and I reckon he'll sell you that pen. I mean, wait, no, you'll sell him the pen. What can I have at this?

As opposed to... What if I try and sell his mom the pen? Oh, okay. Call up his mom. Hello, Jordan's mom. Mrs. Belford. Hey, I've got something. Hey, Mrs. Belford. Hi.

Lovely to finally chat to you. How'd you get my mom's number? I wink at him. Don't worry about it. Joel Doucher, is that you? Yeah, this is me. Hey. She's your speaker?

I'm here. Thank you for calling me back. I'm here with your little baby boy. Are you fucking my mum? Yes. Mum, why? Okay. Yeah, that's easy then.

I fuck Jordan Belfort's mum. How are you selling me the pen? Who cares? Who cares? I'm your dad. Give me the fucking pen. Then you raise your fist. Call me stepdad or dad.

That's good. Who cares? I just snap the pen. Who cares about the pen? What about this? All right. He's like, hey, sell me this pen. I grab the pen.

I like take it out. Like I take out the writing bit, the little thing. I do this. I pull out a little bag of cocaine. And I'm like, hey, you want to do a bump? It costs $100 to use this pen. I mean, that's a cleverer, more appealing to Jordan version of the write with this pen. You want to do cocaine with me, Jordan?

I don't know. Sniff it through this pen, $100. What would the consequences be of breaking the pen and refusing to participate in selling the pen? I think he would be like, I don't know why you spent $800 to come to this seminar. You've misunderstood why, what we're doing here. Yeah, that is kind of what we were yelling at Jackson about.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just to remove, no, because Jackson- Selling the pens, just eating the pens in a different shape. No, because Jackson, the only difference between me and Jackson's plan is that Jackson's eating 20 pens to then only have one pen. Yeah. Where if I'm breaking the only pen. That was when he was pushed.

He was eating the pen. Oh, yeah, that's true. That's true. That's the same plan. So is Sven. Well, we attacked him before he even got to it. So, okay, let's go back to that for a second. Yeah, okay.

Because I'm curious. Yeah. Originally, when you were eating the pen. Yeah, what was your plan to sell the pen? It was scarcity on a kind of micro level. But then you had no pen to sell. You had no pen to sell. Well, it's in me. Oh, that's right.

No, so that's where we're at. Because I'm taking one pen to zero where Jackson's like, you're going to have to buy it off me because it's in my guts now. Yeah, if you want that pen back, you can't buy it off me because it's in my god yeah if you want that pen back like you I you can't take it off me and then we yelled at him because we're like oh you've done is still selling the pen but now it's in you well this yeah I know cause scarcity only 20 yeah yeah he still had one so if you broke the pen well you know you haven't sold anyone yeah yeah you've just you what about this I'm just like I paid $800 to make all these fucking losers upset. This is worth it.

Well, you've tried to take your bat and ball and go home, and I would assume that then Jordan would go behind. I've got 20 pence at the back. The person next to you, okay, I don't know what that was about, but yeah, sure, let's carry on with the seminar. So yeah, so I think... Threatening? Threatening will work. Threatening definitely works, because

yeah, Jordan... It's a classic shakedown. Yeah, yeah, you're just doing it. It's a racketeering, if you will. Yeah, exactly. Another crime. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A different cooler crime. But it works. The thing we know about racketeering and security games is they work. They're effective. Yeah.

Well, there's a reason why mobs and security games is they work. They're effective. Yeah. So. Well, there's a reason why mobs and things like that exist still. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So. Just got to get the right guy. Just got to get the right guy on the payroll. I don't even do the threatening.

I pay off one of his security guards. Okay. And then I'm like, hey. Sound me this pen. Lean over this guy. Hey, I will give you a hundred100 if you try and threaten him to give us $400. Don't do it in the seminar. No, no, no. So yeah, he's like, buy me this pen.

He took his desk away from you. And I'm like, what? And he'll be like, I don't want to buy the pen. I'm like, oh, you don't want to buy the pen? And I click, and then his security guard looks at him, and he's like, what have you done? I'm like, I got friends in high places. Yeah, I don't know, dude. What are you talking about?

I'm a good ally to have. I think you should buy this pen. I think buying this pen would be really good for you. Yeah, it'd be really good for your legs. I think it'd be really good, yeah, for your... You a running man? You like to go for a morning run? Well, maybe a walk?

Really good to buy this pen. A nice stroll? A nice stroll with a loved one? Yeah, with a loved one? With a wife, possibly? Are you... Are you threatening my family? No! I mean, I wouldn't dream.

I wouldn't dream of threatening you have a family, you say. I wouldn't dream. Jordan, I'm not threatening your family, but I can't speak for everyone else in the room. Families are fragile things. But not for men who own pens. Because using this pen, you could maybe sign a treaty with me. I forget that you have a family.

Yeah, I forget that. I don't know. You know what's great about pens? You can write things down. You know what you can do with a pen? Cross things off. Almost like it didn't exist. Remember certain things.

No one's safer than a man with a pen, Jordan. That's what they say. And it's safer than a man with a pen, Jordan. That's what they say. And it's funny because the moment I do this, not only is it an effective way, but then he's worried that it's obviously... And I'll be like, oh, no, that was just... That was just my strategy. That's just what I would do in a real-world situation.

Why are you sweating, Jordan? I don't know you have a family. That was a gamble. Yeah. Wink. And then I say, no, no, no. This is still the activity, right? Yeah.

And he's like, he's completely thrown at this point. He sells you the 20 pens he has out the back. He sells me the pens, but I want him to buy my... He doesn't know what to do at this point. He's lost. He's confused. Yeah. I've rattled him.

You've rattled him. And that's an effective strategy a shakedown yes yeah it's worked for years and i also think that it is worth noting and i know that movies and stuff like this point this out kind of frequently but i'm here to tell you that finance guys are nerds and easily bullied yeah oh absolutely you can probably pick him up by his leg shake him around pick him up yeah because they're always wearing shirts and ties. Pick someone up by a collar. It's good.

Oh, that's very good. Yeah, yeah, big fan. Big fan of fronting someone. Shirt fronting. You could go to Wall Street. If you live in America right now and you can walk to Wall Street, pick a building. Go in there. You can bully everyone.

I believe you could go to the Stock Exchange, the New York Stock Exchange, and beat it. It'd be like that old boy fight. Or like the Daredevil hallway scene. You'd just be wailing on them as they, well, I mean, they wouldn't be fighting you. They'd be running away. Let's not forget that in the Great Depression, numbers going down defeated Wall Street.

That's true. Exactly. Oh, no. So imagine what your fists can do. That's my lesson to you listeners. All right. So we have, I guess, scarcity, racketeering,

and I guess drug use. Yeah, that's how we sell Jordan's pen. Yeah, I think they're all good strategies. Yeah, I think some may be better than others. It's hard to say. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson

and I've also been Joel and this has been a prestige episode of our podcast yeah how would you sell this pen yeah exactly

that's the question at the night of nights when we go to Clamin when we go Clamin at the Oscars where Martin Scorsese gets a plus three

and he says thank you plumbing boys for educating the Marvel masses who treat movies like roller coasters about true art, like Wolf of Wall Street, a movie I made about a real life

sack of shit guy who sucks. Did you say wolf again? Wolf. He said wolf. Wolf. What? Wolf of Wall Street. Balfort.