Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Spend Brewster's Millions?

Episode Date: June 21, 2020

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Hey everybody, we just finished the first episode of the Plumbing Boys Play slash Ruin D&D Live over at Stupid Old Studios. It's not gone forever though, it's saved as a video on demand so you can re-watch it as many times as you want. Missed out the first time? Well, if you buy a season pass, you can watch the episode you missed and gain a digital ticket to the next three upcoming episodes. Just head to sospresents.com to grab your ticket and re-watch the plumbing boys fumble their way through the world of D&D. Hey everybody and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, how would you spend Brewster's millions? Yay!

I'm so happy we're talking about Brewster's millions. An often requested episode by Jackson Bailey. Finally, we're doing Brewster's millions. We've often requested episode by Jackson Bailey. Finally we're doing Brewster's Millions. We've done every topic. First question. What's Brewster's Millions? Brewster's Millions is an incredible 1985 film starring Richard Pryor. So, okay, the premise.

Monty Brewster is a minor league baseball player. And his rich uncle dies. Rest in peace. Yeah, super sad. And he inherits 300 million dollars. Holy shit! In 1985 money. So that's probably like $400 million.

And Brewster can have those millions on one condition. Yep. Okay, well, there's a choice. Brewster can choose to spend, to get a million dollars up front. Yep. That's it. Or the whole estate, but he has to spend $30 million in 30 days. That is he has to spend $30 million in 30 days. That is an insane...

$30 million in 30 days. Alright. But the rules are, because that comes with its own conditions. Okay. So you cannot have any assets that aren't already his at the end of the 30 days. So no buying houses. Okay. Gotta get value for the services of anyone you hire. So you can't just hire a whole bunch of cooks and then

ignore them and not have them cook you dinner. You can donate 5% to charity, you can lose 5% to gambling, and you can't waste money by purchasing or destroying valuable objects. And you have to keep it a secret. Okay. So let's assume each plumbing boy

has a rich uncle that has died. Uncle plumbing moneybags has each died and given us the Brewster's Million Challenge. Yes. That's funny because we have to keep a secret from one another. I'm just going to go spend my regular amount of money. Okay. Well, first off, the first thing I'm doing is I'm giving 5% of charity. Yeah.

Straight away. And then I'm gambling 5% of charity. Yeah. Straight away. And then I'm gambling 5% away. Straight away. That's 3 mil. But how do you specifically spend 5%? You could go over. Then you lose the menu. It's very simple.

I take 1.5 mil. Okay. And I bet it all on black. That's clever. And then you win And I bet it all on black. Ah, that's clever. And then? You win. Then what? All on black.

I just keep riding it. Actually, there is one thing that is clever, is if you're gambling money, is that counting as spending it? So if you win, so say you put 1.5 million on black. Yeah. You then win, so you have 3 million instead of that 1.5. Does that still count as you spending 1.5 million because black. Yeah. You then win. So you have 3 million instead of that 1.5. Does that still count as you spending 1.5 million? Cause you put it on the line.

Oh, that's a good, no, you can lose 5% to gambling. So you've got to lose it. So that means I'm going to have to keep going until that 1.5. Okay. So you're an,

you're an absolute fucking insane man. Why bet 1.5 million on something that's got like just under 50% odds of winning. You fucking idiot. Pick something smaller. What are you talking about? I go, better on black. He's like, oh, you won. Or better on black again.

Oh, you won. Can't tell anyone. How often do you reckon that happens in a casino where they're like, this is- I was feeling lucky. You win twice in a row. I think you just don't have to tell anyone you're doing a Brewster's million. Exactly. If Zamit was like, better on black, and the dealer was like, okay, and Zamit leaned in have to tell anyone you're doing a Brewster's Millions if Zamet was like better than all in black

and the dealer was like okay and Zamet leaned in and was like I'm doing a Brewster's Millions then he'd lose the 300 mil I would say that if you went into a casino and did your plan and you win once or twice all of a sudden security's like oh the boss wants to meet you and you leave with broken legs

but have I spent 1.5 mil yes technically also you can double up there meet you, you leave with broken legs. But have I spent 1.5 mil? Yes, technically. Also, you can double up there, okay? I pay people to go and donate the money to charity and go and lose at the casino. No, you can't. You can pay.

I'm getting value for that service. That counts towards millions. Here's a million dollars. I want you to go and lose a million and a half dollars here's a million dollars I want you to give 1.5 million dollars

no you're overpaying yeah exactly that's not value that's not value I'm not damn it okay alright yeah

I'm getting a lot of massages you can pay somebody to 24-7 be massaging you I don't know if you go through 30 million look I'm working this little bit by little bit you. I don't know if you go through 30 million in that.

Look, I'm working this out. It's little bit by little bit, okay? Again, I don't think you can go too... Because if people start asking questions, I think that you're done. So you have to like... Asking questions is just like, well... No, you just can't. I mean, if somebody's like,

why are you paying me this money to permanently massage you? Zama just has to say, that's my little secret. And then... Exactly. If he says, I'm doing a Brewster's million. So as- Exactly. If he says, I'm doing a Brewster's Millions. So as long as he doesn't say, I'm doing a Brewster's Millions. Yeah, as long as nobody knows a Brewster's Millions is happening. Everyone has to be worried about me and being like, wow,

is this man spending too much money? How much money would you have to spend before the police or FBI? I don't know why FBI. We live in Australia. FBI, presumably a lot. But if all of a sudden you're just spending millions and millions of dollars, are people coming knocking? I think it's...

Do you immediately look like you're a money laundering scheme or a drug dealer? That man is a money laundering scheme. We must stop him. The average massage you can pay anywhere from $50 to $150 per hour.

All right. How many hours of massage? I'm getting $150. I'm paying top dollar because I want a good massage. So $150 times 24. Okay. Okay. You're not getting value for money if you're getting a massage while you sleep.

Yes, you are. Yes, you are. Also, is it the same person? You wake up relaxed, idiot. I guess also not the same person. You just have to have people doing shift work. Okay, that's 108. It's going to be easy.

100,000. Okay. All right. So that was only 108,000. No, but damn it. What about this? 108. No, no, no, no.

Three zeros. What is that? 108K? Yeah. Yeah. You got to think clever, though, okay? Get somebody doing your head. Somebody doing one arm. Somebody doing the other knees feet i have a lot of tension realistically i'm lying down well

no that's good because you can then get a sex worker okay that's true i can easily get five people massaging me at once okay Okay, so do that math. And then when you get to the dick and or butthole region, sex workers come in. Maybe you can get one sex worker working, your front one sex worker working. Absolutely. Pegging, you love it now.

Okay, so sex working. In the pursuit of Brewster's minions, you will be pegged. Okay, so sex, okay, okay. You have to get into real. Half a mil. All right, so sex work. The thing with sex work have to get into real Half a mil Alright so sex work The thing with sex work Half a mil dude

You got 30,000 I'm working on it Have you taken away The extra three For gambling and charity I'm only saying No it's like half a mil Just for massages

Okay So we've got Three million Half a mil Okay now Sex work The thing with sex work Is the bare minimum cost

You're looking around About the $250- $300 mark per hour. Uh-uh, we're looking up. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's your bare minimum. Up and. And then you've just got to, like, haggle. So long as the person on the line is, like, taking you for a fucking ride.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You could be paying for, like, you know, several grand a night. You've got to be, you've got to pull your best country rube impression. Several grand a night is not going to do it. Not enough, not going to, exactly. So. You is not going to do it. Not enough. Not going to. Exactly. So. You've just got to split it up.

No. One sex worker and the other ball. One sex worker and the other ball. No, Jackson. You've got to have a sexy orgy. Oh, my God. He's right. And if you pay people to pleasure the masseuses as well.

So, was there anything there that said I can't do anything illegal? Because depending on which state we are in And depending on which country we're in Oh, that's also important for my plan too Doesn't seem to say it Because, like, look, sex work is quite It's legal in Australia I don't know if it's legal in Victoria at least

So at least we can definitely spend some money on some sex work Yeah, no, that's fine It doesn't say anything about crimes I think you're okay Unless it's implied, but they didn't explicitly say it. Too bad. Drugs. We'll be doing them.

Okay. Chef. I'm hiring a chef for every goddamn meal. How much is Gordon Ramsay? No, no, no. You're hiring a chef for every sex worker and every masseuse. Joe Zalman is a crowd now. Joe Zalman is like when you see a whole bunch of ants swarming something

and you're like, what are they eating? And you push them apart and there's a bit of like old ham. Zammett is the old ham amidst, yeah, a swarm of human beings. Okay, so. Every chef, every masseuse, every sex worker. They love cocaine now. So Google finished out how much is Gordon Ramsay paid for MasterChef. sex worker. They love cocaine now. So it was a Google finisher of how much is Gordon Ramsay paid for MasterChef.

It says that Gordon Ramsay earned 60 mil last year. Okay. So I guess... Just split that up. Split that up. That is why am I bad at math. 60 mil. Shelley, this is easy. Over the course of a month what's...

60 divided by 12? Guys, why are we so stupid? Oh, my God. Isn't that five? Yeah, five. So five mil. That's great to knock out five mil just by hiring Gordon Ramsay. Five mil.

Unfortunately, look, I don't want to get too- Flight! You're paying for Gordon Ramsay's flight. That's clever. So the 60 million he earned would not be just for cooking meals. If you're paying $5 million for a month of Gordon Ramsay, that would also be covering his restaurants and stuff like that. So I reckon his asking price to be your personal chef for a month

would be less than $5 million. But if Zahmet offers $5 million. But is he getting value for money then? Well, what if Zahmet's $5 million also goes towards running the, like, various restaurants for Gordon Ramsay and pays up for costs? Yeah, okay. You could probably justify that with your dead uncle. Who's checking? Yeah, well, that's a great question.

I think there's a paralegal named Angela Drake. Okay. Yes, is assigned to keep Monty Brewster company. 8 mil on gambling, charities, Gordon Ramsay, plus another half mil for masseuses. Are we just going to chuck another half mil for sex work? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That sounds fair. No, it'd be more than that because-

1.5? Well, because you did 150 per hour for masseuses. Sex work is more than that. Are you getting a sex worker for each masseuse? Are they consenting? If so, absolutely. That just seems like a good way to up the price. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let's just say they're keen. Yeah, great. Gordon Ramsay. Look, he's a real guy and I'm sure he's a big fan, but I'm sure he's also fine with me saying he'd be cool with it as well. Yeah, absolutely. And look, again, you're not just paying for carnal relations. You're sometimes just paying for their time.

For sure. We can just have a chat. It doesn't have to be seedy or gross. Oh, wait. Or do you, if you can argue to Angela Drake paralegal that. Wait, how much is a psychiatrist? Oh, clever. I like that you're just doing everything all at once.

Yeah. I like that you're just doing everything all at once. Yeah. Zabit's just like nesting professions, expanding out. I like the idea of you getting a masseuse to five massagers at the same time whilst Gordorosie cooks for you, whilst there's an orgy of sex workers in front of you that you're getting off to,

and then you just turn your head and there's a psych. Be like, are you okay? No! Oh, I was imagining Z imagining I was getting a therapist for every sex worker and every masseuse and every chef so I was imagining

that it looked like Zaman in the centre somebody's massaging Zaman's shoulders that person is getting sucked off and there's a psych

next to every person down the line because the person who is doing the sucking off is getting a three course meal prepared for them

fire chef because Gordon Ramsey is doing that five meal, especially if he has to pay for my whole team. Yeah, exactly. So, yeah, so I was thinking a psychologist for myself, a psychiatrist, apparently it's $100 per hour. So again, of course, for a month, looking at like $72,000. But I reckon we could definitely up that to at least a cool $100,000.

Yeah. And I guess we're probably going to need, like, they'll need a psychiatrist. Can you put uh can you put can you do all of this in a private jet can you look up private jet prices all right so yeah just so that you're constantly traveling it has to be a rental yeah it has to be a rental because you can't keep the private jet at the end unless you crash it i guess because no that's specifically a rule um you can't you may not waste money by purchasing and destroying valuable objects. It's 5,500 per hour of flight time. Oh, beautiful.

We're hitting the sky for a month. Never land. Joel Salmon's delicious orgy airway. Flying through the sky. That guy's doing a Brucester's Mania special. So, yeah. So, simply hire someone like 7,000 per hour. That's incredible.

That's incredible. We can get you to 30 mils so easily. So, let's say, you know, 7,000. Let's just times 24. That's 168,000 times like by 30. Wow. Dude, that's more than 30. Yeah, I've done. Well, can you go over though?

Hmm. No, look, I think if you spend over it, if Joel Zammett in his orgy plane with the delicious smells of Gordon Ramsay's cooking, plus everybody's mental health is being taken care of, and everyone's loosey-goosey from all the masseuses. Samet lands after a month of airtime,

and they're like, well done, sir. You've won Brewster's Millions. That was... Well done. Would that situation make everyone that was involved a better person or a significantly worse person? Worse, worse, worse. We're doing this for money. Never forget our goal

is to suck upon the teat that is capitalism. No, I mean, obviously you're a worse person, that's without a doubt. Yeah, come on. I mean, everyone else that was involved. So the masseuses, they would just be like, what a crazy monster. I was in the air sucking and eating and getting massaged.

Sucking? Everyone, look, after a month you change in places. Someone was sucking. Yeah, examine at one point was Gordon Ramsay. I cooked toast. My initial plan was to set up a dummy corporation, but whatever. No, look, you're massage airways. That's the dream. Hey, look, you're massage airways.

That's the dream. Hey, so you can't purchase and destroy things, but what if that's the intent of the activity? Well, then I imagine that's okay. So like if I was to potentially buy or rent, rent a racetrack and then buy. Wait a second. Yes. Okay.

So rent out a racetrack and then buy. Wait a second. Yes. Okay. So rent out a racetrack. Buy 50 luxury cars. Hire 50 drivers. Have a Joel Dusha destruction derby. So let's find out if we can get the price of a racetrack. So what about. Okay. What painting is worth 30 million?

And what if I purchased it to eat? Well, then I think you would technically lose because you would be doing the purchasing something valuable to destroy it the function of a painting is not to eat it so renting a racetrack can we find out how much renting a racetrack would be

and then the most expensive cars in the market because I don't think there's any no one's ever done a demolition derby in Ferrari yeah so you're doing a Ferrari demolition derby I don't think there's any rules anywhere that say because demolition derby is the intention is to destroy the cars absolutely you've loopholed Brewster's millions here by

creating the most expensive demolition derby ever and you've got to pay the people to actually destroy the cars as well and is it like a free event so people can come in health and safety I have to pay for because people are going to get hurt because Ferraris are not meant to be crashed. That's true. Well, to rent a racetrack, apparently,

to rent out the road Atlanta in the US on a weekend is $14,500 per day. Okay. That is nowhere near enough money. Yeah. Now let's look up, because you're going to have to, and this is something that's very funny, hire those Ferraris. Why would I hire them?

Because you can't have any property at the end. But they're destroyed. Ah, the Circuit of America is $50,000. Yeah, good. Yeah, but they're still yours. No, I'd get rid of them. Sell them back to the junk scrapyard. Okay, so yeah.

Okay, so you're spending $100,000 on a racetrack. Okay, that's a great beginning. Is that for 30 days? Oh, for 30 days. He's got to have them for the whole 30, baby. Renting the Ferraris is cleverer financially. Oh, yeah. Because then you have to refurbish them and rebuild them to get them back.

Or, I mean, I guess they'd have a warrant. Not a warranty uh yeah you would have to pay the company because you rent the ferrari to buy a new ferrari but i don't earn them yeah exactly so it's just great to imagine they're like okay wow this person's hired 50 ferraris i don't know what that's about oh no we've got them back very smashed let's see how much it is to rent a Ferrari. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Is this going to be one of those websites

where it just doesn't give me a price? Absolutely. All right, so it's like 1.5 million, I think, to rent for a month. Dude, you've still got so much left. If my counting of zeros is correct. Okay, so it's about 2,500 per day to rent a Ferrari. 2,500? 2,500 to rent a Ferrari.

Times that by 50? Yeah. And then times that by 30. Let's real quick do some Ferrari math. One, two, three. So it's 3.75 million. Okay, that's great. You're still only at 4 million, dude.

You got 25 million, 26 million. You're at 5 million. What type of Ferrari am I renting? That's the most expensive kind of Ferrari to rent. What type is it? You're sitting at 5 million. You're going to have to pay for insurance. No, just wait.

What type of Ferrari is it? I'm trying to find. What's the fanciest Ferrari there is? It just said it varies depending, and that was the higher end of pricing. Okay, because, yeah, so you're going to crash them, which is going to make your insurance or whatever void, so you're probably going to have to pay for them.

Yes, that's what I wanted to know. I see. So we're going to try and find out the... Because I reckon that they will be close to anywhere between half a million to a million dollars per car. So I might even be able to afford to crash all of them. So let's call it, if we call it a million per car, you're there. Well, we'll call it 500,000 per car.

Yeah, that makes sense. That seems reasonable. I think I'm still there. Yeah, I think you're still there. So basically, if you commit, is it fraud? If you hire a car with the intent of breaking it, if you commit, is it fraud? Yeah. If you hire a car with the intent of breaking it, but then you pay for it, what is that?

A bad financial decision, sure. You know what they call it, JD? A Brewster's million. You got it. A Brewster's millions, baby. John Usher Brewstered another million. It's also good because after day four or whatever, people are like, why do I keep coming back to this? It's the same thing every day.

Yeah, but I guess you're not charging entry. Some people are like, I might as well come. And that's not even including paying the people to crash the Ferraris and then paying, you're right, like you said, for the health insurance and possibly even life insurance. You're paying for insurance. You're probably paying vendors to come in there and sell food and all this kind of stuff.

And the fact that you're doing this is almost no prep time and you're gonna have to like you're gonna have to pay some money to grease some palms to make this whole thing happen when you want it to happen before the 30 days is up you know yeah we're not gonna get 30 days i'm gonna rent the thing for 30 days but then i'm probably just gonna spend like 25 days just being like oh it's gonna happen it's Okay. Or you rented for those, you rented for 30 days. Warm ups. Yes.

Warm ups. And like, even though you might be someone who's like an event planner, you've got to hire an event planner, an event planner being like, this is costing, this is, and a wedding planner,

get Adam Sandler. Oh, how much does Adam Sandler cost? Why don't we just get Adam Sandler to MC this? How much does Adam Sandler cost? Maybe I'll just hire Adam Sandler as my best friend for 30 days. That's clever. Adam Sandler, the king of DVD, now makes a killing from his Netflix.

Okay, that makes sense. Provided him an estimated 250 mil to make four original movies. Okay. All right. I just had to check something for my plan, but I've got it. All right. So, yeah, like if we got Adam Sandler to MC, that's at least a couple mil. I think you can get a Brewster's Million.

It's pretty easy. To be honest, I think you're going over. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've already done it in a week. Well, yeah, but the thing is, you go, like all right, even though the event plan is going to be like, this is going to cost you too much money, you don't care right now. So you've booked a lot of this.

Budget, nah! That's what I'll say. Don't worry about it. You've booked the whole racing car track for a month, even though you're only going to use it for five days. Yeah. Warm ups and stuff. Absolutely.

You're hiring drivers, catering, seating, all of these things. Run laps just because it's funny. Yeah. I'm a car, brum, brum. That's what I'll say. Absolutely. absolutely you're hiring drivers catering seating all of these things run laps just because it's funny yeah find my car brum brum that's what I'll say

absolutely maybe you get you get involved get in a Ferrari yourself for sure I'll get hurt hey everyone to fist fight a Ferrari

now you can I'm gonna get so hurt you're gonna be in dirty legal battles with Ferrari the rental company who are like please stop destroying our Ferrari.

Can't be done. Sorry, can't be done. I'm doing a Brewster's Millions and then you're out. Shit, shit, shit. No, I'm not. It's a joke. That's very funny to be just like the rental company. We are suing him for the cost of these cars.

Yeah, all right. Yeah, go ahead. Go for it, mate. I crashed them. It makes sense. Legal fees. Can you cover legal fees? Can I get into a legal battle with somebody?

I'm going to sue the moon. I'm going to sue, let's just say, Disney. Lenny from The Simpsons. I'm going to sue Spinner Wheel of all the biggest countries in the world. Can I sue the queen personally? Yeah, maybe. Suing in America is easier because they have a crazy legal system. You can just kind of sue anyone.

Sue whatever you like. Sue a building. I'll sue Adam Sandler and I'll pay for Adam Sandler's legal costs. He's going to be my lawyer. How much does a lawyer... How much does Adam Sandler cost as a lawyer? Oh, my God. Lawyers, they cost anywhere between $300 to $400 an hour.

Wow. So if we get, like, first off, lawyer-like costs, and then we get Adam Sandler costs on top of that, plus he's got to deal with the fact that he is representing himself and he's suing himself. Yeah, absolutely. And now a quick word from our sponsors. Also, did you know that we do too many shows across the Sandspancer Radio Network?

Take Why Am I Sad, a happy little podcast where four friends try their best to stop feeling their worst. While we often advocate for therapy in the show, you know what's cheaper? Talking to your mates. And sometimes that's all you need. Unless you do need therapy, because if you do, go to therapy. Therapy's great. So if you want to hear myself chat to my good friends cast george and zoe about our feelings and the things that are

making us sad that week just search for why am i sad on itunes or spotify or head to our website sanspansradio.com what if oh actually i gotta bet up like this is loophole and bruce's millions yeah crazily i buy a movie camera great done i Crazily. I buy a movie camera. Great. Done. I rent a movie camera. I rent a movie camera. Yeah. I withdraw all of the money and put it in a pile.

Uh-huh. I turn the camera on. I'm making a film. I burn the money. It's doing its intended purpose. Absolutely. But technically, I don't think you spent that money. Yeah. You just burned it.

I buy Is exchanging the 30 million for a different 30 million Counting as buying money What if I buy it in a different currency You could with that 30 million That's exchanging What is buying if not exchanging of goods What you want to do is

You want to make a movie So you get a movie But then you spend Too much money on CGI Oh That's clever 30 million is a very small budget For a film But 30 days

Very short filming period What about if you just Buy 30 million dollars Worth of wood And set it all on fire No Because wood Could be war

Well no Because wood I'm going to heat up the world It depends on what you're buying Because if you're buying wood Then you know It's like That's not what it's meant But be warm. Well, no, because wood- I'm going to heat up the world. It depends on what you're buying. Because if you're buying wood, then it's like, ah, that's not what it's meant. But if you're buying firewood, Jackson- Yeah, well, it's meant to burn. Absolutely.

It's meant to be burned. So yes, $30 million worth of firewood. But do you then own- Is ash an asset? Do you own all this ash? You might own that ash. Damn it. I want to buy an island.

And I know that that's an asset. That's a bad start. But I'm going to buy an island and then fake my death that's my plan because I can fake my death then I technically don't own the island anymore I found an island for 33 million dollars so I can do it in one go

okay so you don't have 33 million dollars you've got 30 million dollars and also yeah guess what you don't have when you fake your death Brewster's Millions same reason what you don't have when you fake your death? What's that? Brewster's Millions. Why don't I have Brewster's Millions? Same reason that you don't have an island.

Because I'm dead. Yes. I then come back. You know, this happens sometimes. Okay, look, I've got some great news for you. The moment you come back, you own that island and instantly lose the millions. Surely, okay.

Buy the island. Fake my death. Yes. For 10 years. Then I come back. At that point, the island will have changed hands. Joel Zammett. Jackson, do you want the island?

It's yours. No, you can have it. Hey, important question. Are these lengths of time the same period of time? 10 years? 30 days. Are they exactly the same? Look, now I like your idea of an island.

I think that's something that's quite a nice idea. In fact, we could kind of like use this thing and how about we host the real fire festival. That's true. I was looking at it. You can rent islands as well. So we rent an island. Yes.

We host a fire festival. I could get the finest entertainment money you can rent islands as well. So we rent an island. Yes, we host a fire festival I could get the finest entertainment money combined because we're actually spending money and we're not trying to recoup like ticket Yeah, absolutely doesn't matter do whatever we like. I mean just a music first I reckon you can host it just a normal music festival for 30 million dollars. Don't charge for tickets festival for 30 million dollars 30 million dollars don't charge for tickets yeah any kind of big event you could probably do this with yeah just don't charge a ticket i mean destruction derby is definitely the coolest yeah yeah like music festival um because yeah there'd be bands and stuff like that would cost like a million dollars for an appearance yeah yeah 30 of them 30 headliners one day what if i set up a small island as like a society for i do it just off my own

how are you getting the island are you what what if you buy the island okay somebody else buys the island i come in and i furbish it as a civilization with what with my 30 million okay so an island just an uninhabited island, doesn't have an economy. Well, it doesn't matter. I go and I build houses. I build the town. So you're hiring people to build it. No, I'm doing it myself.

What? But I'm purchasing it. Well, I guess I could hire people to do it. Also, if you're doing it yourself, then you probably own them. What do you mean? So you're going to an island. Yes. And then you're building houses, a society. Yeah.

You're doing it yourself. Yes. Who are the houses for? Well, then I elect some. I put somebody in charge of the island. But I'm renting the island. You're spending $30 million. I rent the island and I spend $30 million to furnish the island as a civilization

for someone else. And then when I get Brewster's millions, I buy the island off them. I can't give assets as a gift, can I? I don't think so. Could I buy an island and give it to somebody? And then buy it back off them. I can't give assets as a gift, can I? I don't think so. Could I buy an island and give it to somebody? And then buy it back? No. Why not? You get an island.

Why do you want to live on an island? Islands are cool. Australia's an island. You live on an island. The whole purpose is not to get an island. The whole purpose is to get $300 million or whatever. I got $300 million and what I'm going to do with $300 million is probably buy an island. Then you can just do that.

Buy the neighboring island, and the person you bought an island for, your neighbor's name. But then I set up the island with the $30 million I got to do a Brewster's Millions. Let's be serious. If someone gives me $300 million, I'm dead in an hour. Hey, what about experimental treatments to make me taller and stronger? I was thinking plastic surgery. Turn yourself into the Hulk.

Is plastic surgery an asset? Do I keep the plastic surgery? Well, if you're getting something. If you've got breast implants, for instance, they're your breasts. They're assets. They don't belong to the doctor. See, people call...

People are like, Hey, baby, nice assets. How much are breast implants? And then they go to jail because that's not okay. That's true. Well, okay, I could get a haircut, a fancy haircut. Congratulations, you spent at most 300 bucks. And the barber is-

Every day, though. It's not our hair work. There's only so many haircuts you can have. I reckon I could do one a day. You shave once a day? Most expensive head shave, followed by hair implants, followed by most expensive head shave. What if I kept getting...

Getting hair implants only to shave your head rolls. Like bleeding hair plugs. It's very sensitive. We recommend you please stop doing this. I could get breast implants and then get breast reduction surgery and then breast implants again and breast reduction surgery. Not in 30 days, surely. Yeah, you'll die.

I think like surgery. How much are veneers? What? Like teeth, veneers. Oh, is that an asset? Yeah because you keep it at the end You can't keep it at the end What if I just finance the digging of a really big hole What is it?

The money pit Oh yeah Oak Island money pit Literally just throw money down a hole But I just pay people to dig the hole I guess at the end i sort of own the hole oh yeah wait wait are you buying are you buying a hole do you own a hole though yeah are you buying the money pit or are you buying are you hiring a company to dig there yeah um explore yeah yeah so that's that i guess i don't know or if they get to the end of the money pit and then whatever

they get is yours because that was yeah because what I'm hiring them to do. Okay, so that, but if I hire people. Okay, so say one of you was like, dig a hole in my backyard. Yes. And then I hired people to dig the hole in your backyard. Yes. Is it my hole or your hole? It's his backyard, his hole.

Yeah. Okay. Well, that works out then, doesn't it? But if you just dig a hole. Yeah. If you just like take a shovel. Yeah. And you walk somewhere and just dig a hole.

If I dig a hole in a national park, who does that belong well i mean it's your hole is it anything though it's not really anything it's an absence of thing are you allowed to dig a hole in a national park or did you go to jail what are the rules around where and when you can dig a hole no you gotta dial before you dig i know that from the sign well that's true but if there's no national park I'm not gonna hit like any pipes or anything But maybe that's good if I hit a pipe Because then I'm gonna pay out the electric company Or whatever

And the park for sure Yeah absolutely Could you fund expeditions? Yeah why not? That's not a thing you'll own at the end That's a thing you're getting value out of Then you just send people off to find stuff Yeah yeah yeah That's not a thing you'll own at the end. That's the thing you're getting value out of. Then you just send people off to find stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good.

They come back. Okay. Like what? I don't know. Bigfoot excavation. Excavation. Where is that guy? I forgot how to speak.

No, but you could be like, yeah. How much are you paying and how many people to find Bigfoot? 30 people a millage. 30 days. Find Bigfoot. If you find Bigfoot, I people a mill each. 30 days, find Bigfoot. If you find Bigfoot, I'll give you $100 million. Wait, can you just Brewster's Millions again? So could you be like, I have $30 million. I'm going to give you $1 million.

You're going to spend that million in a day. And if you do, you get the 29 mil that remains. Then, I mean. You could Bruce's Millions, Bruce's Millions. And then that guy Bruce's Millions. Until somebody's getting $5 if they spend $1. What you do is you get 30 minutes. Okay, you have. All right, you got $20 million.

You get 20 people. Right. I have to. Like, everyone gets a million dollars. And whoever spends this in a month Gets the remaining 10 million Is that value for money? Entertainment Yeah you're enjoying it

I could film it You're not hiring a service You're issuing a challenge And whoever wins gets that 10 million You have spent all the money Make the rules easier then Because you want to give away the money Be like here's 10,000 dollars Sp spend it today on whatever you want buy assets

you get 10 mil what about if you're like here i will give you 30 million dollars if you can guess what number i'm thinking you've got 10 guesses the numbers between one and ten for real yeah why no reason and then they just don't do it. I don't trust this. How about this? It's me and someone else on a basketball court, and I reckon, I'll bet you $30 million that I can sink this in one shot. Lose your million. Only allowed to spend 5% on gambling.

Damn. You fool. Damn. See, that's the trick of Bruce Dismillion. He's a harsh mistress. You get too big for your britches, and, that's the trick of Brewster's Millions. She's a harsh, harsh mistress. You get too big for your britches and then you lose the... I did. Hey, there's nothing that says you can't just, like,

bury the money or whatever. You didn't spend it. No, that's okay. In fact, it is the entire rule says that you can't do that. You've got to spend the 30 million. That's true. Well, there's nothing as well that says you can't, like, give it as a gift. Or, like, as in you can't pay for. You've got to spend the $30 million. That's true. Well, there's nothing as well as it can't give it as a gift. Or as in you can't pay for something for someone else.

Like what if I bought you a $30 million house? Then I get the $300 million that's left over. Or again, I set up dummy corporations. And so technically I don't own the assets, but the corporation does. Do you reckon that works as charity there? Buying someone a gift is charity. Yeah, that might be that. But if I set up a, say, Propri gift is charity. Yeah, that might be that.

But if I set up a, say, Proprietary Limited. Yeah, that's true. Sounds like something you may have done before. Maybe. And sort of put a little seed money into that particular business. Use a lot of terms. Wait, but I mean, I guess, but you still spent the money, right? And the Proprietary Limited will be an asset you'll have at the end. It is, technically I am. However. It is, and technically I am. Yes. So you've spent the money, right? And the propriety limit will be an asset you'll have at the end. It is technically I am, however...

It is, and technically I am, yes. So you've lost the money. However, at the end, at day 29, I sell my share, which is like 100% of the company, to someone else. And then what do you get in exchange? For a dollar. So then you need to spend a dollar real quick.

And then I buy a candy bar. Chomp on that Snickers. No wait, charity! Give it to a kid. Hey, spend it somewhere nice. I just won Brewster's Millions. And then I'm like, oh my! Fuck!

So that's an option. That's clever. That is absolutely a strategy. Buy a business, liquidate the business. Give a dollar to a kid. Don't liquidate. Sell it off to somebody. Yeah, that works. If I own the business, I just sell the business to you, JD.

You still own it. Then after 30 days, you hire me back or whatever. I burn that company to the fucking ground. Maybe I give it to my wife. What if I invest in something fake? Like as in? Bitcoin? Yeah, or like crystals or some shit.

You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. The two famous fake things, Bitcoin and crystals. Both are myths. What if you got... Pyramid scheme. Yeah, something like that.

You forget which part of the pyramid scheme are we in. Bottom. Yeah, we're at the tip. Oh, so we buy into a... Yeah. A tip. What? Yeah, the corner tip, you idiot.

Isn't the pyramid upside down? No. No. If someone's shown you a pyramid scheme that's upside down, you've been pyramid schemed. Yeah, you go into a pyramid scheme and you buy- So you buy in for $30 million. Yeah.

You buy in for $30 million, they give you a shit ton of Tupperware. The most amount. Oh, wait, is give you a shit ton of Tupperware. The most amount. Oh wait, is that an asset? No. No, it wasn't. Of course it's an asset.

No, but is it an asset? Cause you're expected to sell it up. You don't own it, the company owns it. That's true, you don't own it. That's how a pyramid scheme works, you fucking idiots. Exactly, I've been there. No, you own the shit. He's right, he's right, you own the shit.

That is how how pyramid scheme works that's what the money's for dammit dammit we lost out on another multi-level marketing has fucking sucked you in once again

god dammit we once again got bamboozled by a pyramid scheme damn we've got all this Tupperware now what about

this seems like it's gonna be a bad idea but lay it on me okay what about I'm I like I'm the paralegal now. Yeah. What about I spend...

I pay a world-famous artist a ridiculous amount of money, Banksy. I pay Banksy to graffiti me on a building. Then they have to wash that off at the end, so I don't keep the image, and I've spent the $30 million. All right. Yeah. Banksy. Banksy was a bad choice.

You picked Banksy. They're like, wow, that should stay up. And I'm like, sure did. It's disgusting. So that's of your face. Yeah. Why didn't you ask for it? Also, Banksy probably won't accept money.

Okay, what if you spend $30 million to a lot of different street artists to go and make street art? That's not an asset you own at the end. That's true. It's for the people. It's for the people, I guess. Or you commission a famous painting of yourself. A famous painting.

Paint me a famous painting of me. Me like the Mona Lisa. I better be famous. You got confused between commissions and buying art That's good You know that painting that someone did That they shredded as part of the art That was Banksy Banksy, make me a famous painting

And shred it, I'm doing a bruised millions I like how we have just gone past that famous painting and shred it. I'm doing a Bruce Niggins. Oh! I like how we have just gone past that. Let's do little thing by little thing to like one big scheme. Well, we got lazy. That's what happened. I can't be bothered doing all that math. Why don't you just buy a building and demolish it?

You've got to buy a building that's about to be demolished anyway and then demolish it. Because if you demolish it, you still own the land. And mostly, land is worth more than the building it's on, generally. Yeah, that's a good point. I reckon if I'm buying a skyscraper or something, that would be different. But I guess it's in the middle of the city. Yeah, that's true. So you still own an asset at the end, though.

Yeah, I do. You're right. What if I commission a band to make me an album? Oh yeah, a famous album. What if I commission a famous band to make me their next big album? What if you commission a band to make me an album? Oh, yeah, a famous album. What if I commission a famous band to make me their next big album? What if you commission a hundred bands to make me a famous album? One of you has to make a good album or I'm firing you all. This is just a numbers game. That's great as well because music for a month is cooked.

It's a brand. It's douche-a-wave. That's the brand new genre And you don't own the music? Well, if it's called douche-a-wave I might be in trouble But if I call it No, it's a term coined by fans

It's not, you didn't call it Dollar wave Because if you're like I commission Brewster wave No! I fucking People keep calling

Hi, that's inspired by Brewster's moment It's like, no it's not Absolutely What? No, that's crazy by Brewster's Mill No it's not Absolutely not No that's crazy Where did you get that idea from Why is it called Brewster's Mill It's not

People should stop doing that It's not true You commission Yeah you commission Art Yeah That's an easy way To spend 30 mil

And you can diversify By making sure It's like performance art Yeah that's true So you can do performance You can do painting You can do music Painting you can diversify by making sure it's like performance art yeah that's true so you can do performance you can do painting you can do music painting you can't

because you own the painting no no no you do this if you commission someone to do it it's yours what if you don't what if you don't no strode

that's like donate it man that's charity street art street art's the only art you can really Bruce's medium and I reckon the power league could be like

well actually maybe you own the art but you don't reckon the power lead could be like, well, actually, maybe you own the art, but you don't own the building. Yeah. There could be copyright issues with, with street art. I don't know how it works. Getting tied up in copyright law is a good way to lose 30 million. I'm going to release a t-shirt that says I am Disney and a picture of Mickey mouse.

That's a great idea. Yeah. Just commission a t-shirt. That's a Mickey mouse sh just commission a t-shirt that's mickey mouse shitting in walt disney's mouth and say this was made by the disney company trademark disney then you enter a lengthy legal battle it's very funny though to imagine that you get the bruce's millions but then it costs you an extra 300 million you know what i'll pay i I offer you $30 million in damages, and they're like, not enough.

I'm like, oh, no. What have I done? So you can own assets, but you can't own them at the end, yeah? Yes. So what if I just make poorer and poorer building, like, buying decisions? Yeah. So I become a property baron, but a bad one. So that at the end of the 30 days

You have to give up the buildings you've purchased You mean? Well I've sold them for a loss Oh Yes But eventually And then I guess at the end You have enough money

That you can just throw it away In like an hour you mean Like Yeah Because it'd be hard to get down to exactly zero But I guess getting So I spend Like you know

I spend 30 million dollars On a house And then I go I'm selling it And it's sold for 20 million Yeah And I keep rinsing and repeating Until I million on a house. And then I go, I'm selling it, and it's sold for $20 million. And I keep rinsing and repeating until I- I buy a house. How long is escrow?

Buy a house for $30 million. I don't get the $300 million. I'm like, that's fine. I have a house. I spend $20 million on the house. Keep the 10 for insurance and stuff in it. I'm like, cool. Thank you.

I think you lose the remainder of the 30 million you don't spend at the end of the 30 days but i mean otherwise i prepay insurance and furnish the house you've got a house so you're pretty happy yeah a 20 million dollar house i take the million dollars at the beginning and don't do bruce's millions yeah is it 100 million yeah oh no i think it's just a million but that's pretty good if it's a hundred million i'm taking the 100 million and again being dead in an hour absolutely no i i'm 99 sure it's just a million dollars which is fair because like a million and 300 million big difference 100 million 300 million the same yeah absolutely so that's i mean like

that's an option as well then you just don't have to worry about bruce's millions and you're a million dollar rich what are you to spend a million dollars on? I don't know. I can't unshoot myself into the sea. A very fancy funeral for my dead uncle. I miss him so much. You could spend 30 million on that. 30 million on a funeral.

The most extravagant, luxurious funeral anyone's ever had. And I'm doing it in the name of my uncle. That's beautiful. And you're not owning anything at the end. It's not like you own that plot of whatever. No, not at all. Even if you're cremated, you don't own those ashes. You can't own ashes.

If I spent $30 million on a diamond coffin for my uncle, is it my coffin? No, it's your uncle's coffin. It's his coffin. You would earn the plot of land, but you're renting it. The family earns it, but you've paid for it. Yeah, I don't know. Get away with it.

And then when I get the $300 million, I dig him up and I take the crystal coffin and sell it. I didn't miss him at all. I needed it to get away with making a Brewster's millions do what Johnny Depp did with Hunter S. Thompson you get a big cannon

cremate your uncle, fire him out that cannon but also put 30 million worth of diamonds in that cannon at the same time, fire them out into the Grand Canyon because your uncle he loved diamonds, he was rich he loved diamonds in the grand canyon i can only assume uncle in the sky with diamonds it's great to imagine then i've wasted the 300 million and i'm just in the bottom of the grand canyon searching

for the diamonds i fired out oh fuck where are they i'm in such trouble yeah so extravagant funeral for your dead uncle Firing him out of a cannon with diamonds I think is the perfect way to spend and win Brewster's Millions I think it's been shockingly easy to achieve a Brewster's Millions Usually they're all bad ideas But in this case they were all good ones

It's been good idea after good idea Except your one bad idea which was buy an island I don't know And on that note I I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've also been Joel. We've been millionaires. And we've been Brewster's Millions.

It's crazy that we keep calling it Brewster's Millions because Brewster is the main character. It's not his millions, you know? Isn't his uncle's last name Brewster as well? Yes. There's your answer. there's your answer thanks for listening and if you want to follow us on twitter

you can find us at sanspantsradio or you can find us individually I'm at douche13 I'm at olddogthedad and I'm at goddammitzammit if you want to hear our other shows you can head to sanspantsradio.com and you'll find all our other content there

there's heaps and if you want to support us head to sanspantsradio.com and you'll find all our other content there. There's heaps. And if you want to support us, head to sanspantsplus.com. Thank you again for listening and we'll see you again next time. Good night for now. But not forever. Kisses.