Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Steal Ash's Pikachu?

Episode Date: May 28, 2017

In which our heroes wear matching outfits, work for the mob, and spend their time shadowing Ash Ketchum as we ask how would you catch Ash’s pikachu? Check out our upcoming lives shows and purchase your tickets for our UK tour right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/ Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: redbubble.com/people/sanspantsradio or teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradio Want to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail] Twitter: twitter.com/sanspantsradio Website: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradio Or individually at;Duscher: twitter.com/dusch13Jackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadZammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sands Pants Radio, you can bring matinee still has a couple of spots left. We're still looking into Cardiff and Belfast, so again, just head to sandspantsradio.com slash live, and follow us on Facebook and Twitter for the most up-to-date information. Hey everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, how would you steal Ash's Pikachu? Prepare for trouble, what's going on is us! And make it double, being us is a plus! death star where we ask the important questions like how would you steal ash's pikachu prepare for trouble what's going on is us and make it double being us is a plus to protect the world from devastation to unite all people within our nation to denounce the evils of truth and love

to extend our reach to the stars above jesse and james team Rocket. So I guess we're all part of Team Rocket in this situation? Or Rogue, I guess. Like, is it like we could be... Well, okay. As a person who doesn't know that much about a Pokemon... Okay, so in the... Block your ears, Jackson. Anime.

Even the word burns me. Like Elven Rope on a golem. Golem, whatever, fuck you. Or salt to a snail. Salt to a slug. Yeah, so in the... In the genre that shall not be named, Ash is a Pokemon trainer, which I'm sure you're aware of.

His first Pokemon is a Pikachu, which you're also aware of. There is a criminal organization called Team Rocket, who their mission for two of their agents, Jesse and James, is to steal Ash's Pikachu because it is highly, I think it's kind of rare, but it's also like super valuable

because it's like very clever and stuff I was going to say like they have a talking cat with them too I'm vaguely remembering my childhood so what's so important about this Pikachu the Pikachu is just very clever like if I had a very clever dog Team Rocket would be after it as well

what are they doing with this Pikachu like I'm never trying to catch the Pikachu simply because I see other people trying to catch the Pikachu simply because I see other people trying to catch the Pikachu. What's so important about this thing? I think I want it. I'm fucking good about this Kachou. Give me this goddamn Kachou.

How dare you? You're keeping this Kachou away from me. I want this. For me, it's like how I just do Ash's Pikachu. What I do is I go in the wild, catch another Pikachu and tell my bosses it's Ash's Pikachu. Be like, yeah, dang, how I just do Ash's Pikachu. What I do is I go in the wild, catch another Pikachu, and tell my bosses it's Ash's Pikachu. Be like, yeah, dang, look at it, it's Pikachu, I got it.

It's not very clever. I'm like, oh. Does Ash's Pikachu have any unique markings? I don't think so. It doesn't talk. It just goes, Pika, Pika. It talks like other Pikachus. Yeah.

I'm very remember when it fights like a Raichu. Struggling with you is you're like, oh, this is Ash's Pikachu. And then Giovanni is like, but Ash, is that, what about Ash over there with a Pikachu? Then I'm going to be like, Giovanni, I sneakily swished it. Come on, Giovanni. You idiot. Like, come on. It's me, your boy.

What, I fuck you? I don't think so, Giovanni. I don't think so, Giovanni. I think so, Giovanni. What's a punishment from a Pokemon mob boss for fucking him over? Probably. Surely. He's only got normal type Pokemon, so that's not that scary. Yeah, but he could get...

You have normal type Pokemon and my Pikachu. Put your head in a coffin. You know how a coffin has those like gapes on the side? Just gape one open and push your head in a coffin. You know how coffins have those like, those like gapes on the side? Just gape one open and push your head in. Imagine just seeing like stinky and moist.

Zammett just floating away with his head in a coffin and they're like, ah, he's floating with the drift blooms now. He's flying with the appella bird or whatever the fuck the pelican one was. Wingull.

Wingull, that's the one. So, just getting another Pikachu. Well, no, but that's stupid because what's good about Ash's Pikachu is that it's like a bit alive, a bit sentient. All things are alive. It's like, what's so important about Ash's Pikachu and why is Ashes Pikachu?

Because clearly, a Meowth can be taught how to speak, right? Surely Meowth is more impressive than Pikachu. Well, I think it's just like Jesse and James are sent on a mission to capture this Pikachu because Pikachu fucked them up real early on because it was real powerful

and a bit special. Okay. And they're trying to win over Giovanni's trust by kidnapping this Pokemon, but they just keep fucking it up for 20 years. Yeah, but do we know what's good about Pikachu? I think we're just told that it's special, but Pikachu pops up in so many battles against so many other trainers

that Team Rocket could just be talking out their ass. Because for me, it'd be like, all right, why is this Pikachu special? And if that one is special, clearly, because I'm of the very firm belief that no one is special. And then if it happens once, it'll happen again. So then I would probably try and find

an equal of value or better Pikachu. My move is just to grab the Pikachu. Pull your socks up, Team Rocket. Just go find out where they're hanging out. Probably like the... I don't know where to catch a Pikachu. Viridian Forest. He's kicking it there.

Yeah, they're a bit rare there, but they pop up. Grind that for a bit. Alternatively, Ash has got to sleep at some point, sack a lox over the head, steal his balls. I was thinking a gun. I was thinking a gun. Pikachu's not in a ball. I got you. You're going to be sneaking into their little camp.

Pikachu's going to zap you good. He's not in a ball. I'll get a master ball, throw it at Pikachu. No, you can't steal from another trainer. Why? I don't know. Physically or like morally? I don't know.

In the game you try, it's like, you can't catch another trainer's Pokemon. The trainer smacks the ball out of the way, but if they're sleeping. Yeah. Nothing's stopping you, just catching the Pikachu. And then I assume, like a genie, the Pikachu now belongs to you. Whenever he's distracted, just quickly chuck a Master Ball at Pikachu. Chuck a Master Ball at Ash. Not even good.

There's so many better Pokemon than Pikachu. What about when Slowpoke gets traded with a crown and becomes like a genius? He becomes the Jesus of Slowpokes. I want that guy. I'm going to take that guy to Giovanni. Slowking? Yeah, I'm going to be like, Giovanni, yes, this is a Pikachu, whatever.

He's quite good. This is a Slowpoke Jesus that is psychic. It can talk to you in your head. Tell me you don't want that. Or I'll be like, Giovanni, I know you wanted us to get your Pikachu. We already have in our possession a talking Meowth. Yeah, do you want to just sell that? Meowth, that's right.

Meowth, that's correct. Meowth, spot on. Also, like, Meowth is a pokemon that can conjure money it's a pokemon that has a move called payday out of his head yeah he pops him out boy pay us so why not just use that okay all right yeah how about this then we get meowth like payday come on how many times i can do that infinite well until his PP runs out. So let's say like 20 times. All right, 20 times. Handful of coins.

Like Ash. Hi, nice to meet you. Are you a clever businessman? Because I got an offer you cannot refuse. I thought you were going to be like, are you a gambling man, Ash? Oh, that's also a good idea. But I'd be like, how about this? I'll pay you all this gold for that one Pikachu.

He's just not going to give it up. He's his best friend. He once teared him. He cried him back to life. Yeah, you're not going to indecent proposal the Pikachu. Wait, not going to give it up. He's his best friend. He once teared him, he cried him back to life. Yeah, you're not going to indecent proposal the Pikachu. Wait, no, that's not true. I'm going to give you a million dollars if I can

sleep with your Pikachu, Ash Ketchum. Done! Yeah, awesome! I don't think you can buy the Pikachu off Ash. I think you've got to take it by force with a gun. They're coming along, you pull out, you're like, don't you fucking move. You want to be a hero, little man? can buy the Pikachu off Ash. I think you've got to take it by force with a gun. They're coming along. You pull out. You're like, don't fucking move. You want to be a hero, little man?

Hand over the Pikachu. Are you actually willing to kill Ash, though? He is. There's like no lore in the Pokemon world. There's just Officer Jenny. I mean, if you murder someone, I'm sure there's lore. What if I, like, bury him? Wait.

Hang on. Feed him to a Charizard. Gulper. Gulper? Gulper. You're going to eat Ash? I'm going to make Gulper eat Ash. No crime. No body, a Charizard. Gulper. Gulper? Gulper. You gonna eat Ash? I'm gonna make Gulper eat Ash. No crime. No body, no crime. There you go.

Fact of life, Tusha. No body, no crime. But no, Rick, there's gotta be a line of like, what does Ash want that I'll get that Pikachu? There's gotta be something. Ash wants to be the Pokemon. I'll hold his mum hostage. No, no, no. You love more, Ash. I'm gonna seduce his mum, be his stepdad,

make him put Pikachu up for adoption, send him to boarding school. Yeah. Hey. The only school in the Pokemon world is one to catch Pokemon, though. But that's okay. A boarding school version of that, he's still fucked. I always assumed that Ash's mum was in a relationship with the Mr. Mime she kept.

Just because, like, I don't know. Well, I mean, it's kind of human-esque. The Mr. Mime was always there. I just sort of assumed something was going on. Wait, hang on. How long did Ash... Was Ash raised by a Mr. Mime? Because that's terrifying.

He shouldn't be raised by a Mr. Mime. Mr. Mime, despite all appearances, is not a clown man. He's just like a gross Pokemon. I think he was raised by a Mr. Mime. That's terrifying. No, well, he had a dad at some point. How old is Ash?

Is he still 13? He's 10. He's still 10? Okay. Cool. Wait, what do 10-year-olds want? Trucks. Trucks.

Hey, Ash, I'll give you this truck for your Pikachu. How does Ash make money? Oh, you get money from winning Pokemon battles. Yeah. That's weird. That is weird. There's got to be some. Like, I would try and trade a Pikachu, like, whatever

for that Pikachu. There's got to be a limit. There's got to be everyone's got, you know what I mean? Like, everyone's got a price. Everyone's got a price. Anything can be bought and sold. Exactly. Including a child's love for their favorite pet Pikachu. Exactly. Well, I don't know. I'm sure for, like, the right amount of money, but where are you getting the cash from?

Payday. But you're not going to get enough. Farm them. Have a Meowth farm? Yeah, you force them to payday. Maybe with a small electric shock. I don't even have to farm them. If I've got like a week, I can do it 20 times in a week.

Yeah, you're not going to get enough money. You've got to have a lot of money. You've got to have enough bloody poker simoleons. Potentially, but if we go to the idea that like he can't be bought he's gotta he's gotta want something all he wants to be the poke here's here's what your plan ought to be yeah all he wants to be is the pokemon master right he wants to be the very best like no one ever was that's his aim i'll make so you just yeah just i'm sure the pokemon league is corrupt yeah yeah i mean you're looking at me like I was going to be like, no! No, probably.

All organized sports corrupt. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Just ask FIFA. So just buy out the Elite Four and get Ash. Like, they'll take a dive. Yeah. So you reckon once he's a Pokemon master, he'll be like, fuck off my best friend.

No, no, no, no. You make the deal. You'll be like, oi, Ash, I can make you the best there ever was. If. Give me that Pikachu. No, I think you're underestimating. I can guarantee you'll be the best there ever was. If. Give me that Pikachu. No, I think you're underestimating. I can guarantee you'll be the best there ever was.

Now, go on. And then, like, if he, like, fights in a battle or whatever, and just make sure he fucks up. Like, somehow, make sure that he loses the first one. Like, no, trust me. You give me that Pikachu, I can guarantee. Yeah. And that's when your little bribery comes in.

No, I don't think that'll work. I mean, like. Well, you give him the first one free. Be like, well, tell you what. No, no, it think that'll work. Well, you give him the first one free. He'll be like, tell you what. It doesn't even matter. He doesn't care. He cares more about his own... He doesn't go back. He loses to the Elite Four. He's never

been a Pokemon master, but he doesn't care enough to go back because he's just in it for the friendship by the end because he loves his Pikachu. Well, that's what I'll do. So my gun and gulp are playing. My GG. Ash's always making new friends. All I got to do is be in the forest with my gulp.

I see him and I'm like, aha, I'll challenge you to a Pokemon battle. I lose. And I'm like, well, where are you heading? Wherever he's heading, I join him. Gain his trust. Middle of the night. Bang. Eat him.

Eat him. Got the Pikachu. Yeah. Or again, do the same thing. Befriend him, have an angle with Pikachu, summon him out, do the switcheroo. I know I haven't actually listed any of my like... I know, you're just talking shit.

Yeah, but I'd just like to point out that you're struggling to overcome the first of the two hurdles of stealing Pikachu, which is a 10-year-old boy. Yeah. And then the second hurdle is the fact that Pikachu is an electric mouse. So unless you're doing something about it, you're going to get thundered the fuck out of it.

I'll wear a rubber suit. Wear a rubber suit. That's good. I was going to say tranks. Tranks. I was wondering. Trank both of them. Easy.

Trank both. Done. Could you feed them both some gooks? Yes. Get them all tripped out. Pick them up. I can't. Pika, get the fuck out of there.

I can't support giving drugs to a 10 year old Hey when you do your Pokemon Hang on I just like to go on record Xavius is just giving drugs to a child A fictional child A fake boy

A real boy A fake little boy When a real boy a fake boy a fake one a fake little boy when you when you go to a poker center and you put your poker balls up to be

what is that visible yeah it is in the game but in the in the in the anime

is it I can't remember If he drops his like Help my Pikachu We'll help your Pikachu out Then he's there waiting in the waiting room For like a decade for like two days And you're already chuffed off

So you're going to dress up as a nurse Hey I'm nurse Jenny You're fucked up already You got fire blasted You get them Pokemon? Not only will I steal Pikachu, I'll steal all of them. Exactly. Also, hang on a second.

He's 10. I'll just beat him up and take him. Well, that's why my gun idea was so good. They don't even need a gun. He's 10. Punch him in the face. Then you get thundered by Pikachu. Whatever.

Pikachu is far more of a risk Than Ash of the series Because Ash is like Smack Ash Ash is the easy one How do we get Pikachu Here's my five step plan Step one I find a Poker Santa

Hold it hostage Tie everyone up Lock them in a cupboard Step two Dress like a Nurse Joy Step three Hold it hostage. Tie everyone up. Lock them in a cupboard. Yes. Step two. Dress like a nurse joy. Yep. Step three.

Are you going to cut your beard? Yeah, I'll have to. Everyone's going to make fun of you. I'll be so rich from this Pikachu. I'll get a merkin. Ash comes in and I'm like, oh, hello, Mr. Ash. Come in. He puts his Pokeballs on the counter. I put them in the slot.

Hang on. Pikachu doesn't get in a Pokeball. He's his Pokeballs on the counter. I put them in the slot, but hang on. Pikachu doesn't get in a Pokeball. He's got to get up there somehow. I'm like, I'm sorry. Our device only works if Pikachu gets in the ball. I know he hates it, but this is just the best way we do it, mister. Is that why he's not in the ball? He hates it?

Yeah, he doesn't like it. Then why are the others getting a ball? Ash, what the fuck? The others don't care. It's real good to be in a ball. Yes, go on, Ash. And then Ash is like, oh okay cool I'll just spray him with a potion

Oh he's fine again, thanks Bye, have a good day Or we'll like Make sure there's no potions around Oh we're all sold out of those potions Alright, okay, ten step plan Step one, hijack a Pokemon Replace all of the potions with poison.

I was going to say water, but poison works even better. He's like, it's dying. I'm like, put it in the dang Pokeball, idiot. He puts it in the Pokeball. I dump them in a lake. I'm like, let me just take them out the back to fix them. Run to a lake Drop them in Get on a bicycle

Bike away Ash is waiting at the counter like king dickhead I arrive at Giovanni And I'm like I did it I killed that I killed The Pikachu What?

I killed him dead. He drowned, bottom of a lake. You're welcome. I wanted you to catch him. Ah, shit. Oops. Anyway, well, I mean, I'm the only one who's given you a plan with steps, and I think mine has been far superior to anybody else's.

So can you be dropping Pikachu in a lake? All right. And also hijacking two separate stores, which requires you to be in both at the same time, which is something we just brushed over. I'm going to be in one. Ash comes in to buy healing potions. I'm like, yes, make the transaction.

Then I fucking run around the back. Pokemon centers have one door. I'm like, oh, is that my mother calling? Then I run past. I really like the idea at my mother calling I run past I really like the idea at the poker center like people coming in before Ash

and I just don't know what to do with their Pokemon so there's just like this pile of Pokeballs people coming back and I'm like here's just six I don't know that probably happens all the time surely they don't label them do they but it's like a 10 second process as well yeah that's a good point anyway They don't label them, do they? No. But it's like a 10-second process as well.

Yeah, that's a good point. Anyway. So, challenge him to some kind of a duel, if you will. A Pokemon challenge. So, you're going to need Pokemon in this situation? Yep. I'm going to have to get some ground-based Pokemon. Yep, sure. So, basically, ground-based Pokemon.

Do not hold back. Just real ruin Pikachu. Yep. Like, maybe get, I don't know, like an Onix, yeah? That's ground. Yes, but Onix is... The problem is this Pikachu is speedy as fuck. Another struggle is that Pikachu and Ash cheat.

Happens all the time. They're like, oh, we're in a battle. Oh, no, Pikachu can't fight a ground-based Pokemon. And then he turns on a sprinkler and gets a Pokemon. What makes it weak? Yeah. That happens often, yeah. So what can I spray Pikachu with?

I can't spray him with a hose. Poison. What's like spraying him with a hose? Jackson's Pokemon. But like the equivalent of... Pick up a poison. Is it like a hose that just sprays the dirt? Will that work?

I mean, if you bury Pikachu, you're probably on the money. What if I just throw a shovel at him? But, like, Pikachu's not weak. Like, is it, like... It doesn't hurt Pikachu to stand on the ground. It's just, like, ground-based moves. If he gets dirty, probably isn't great. Well, why don't we just fuck him up real good?

Hit him with a shovel. What can I, as a trainer... Hit him with a shovel. That's, like... I can cheat, but, like, it can be surreptitiously. All right, here's your plan. It's because, like, what I want to do is... If it was a water or a fire Pokemon, it'd be easy. All you have to do is just knock him out completely

and then punch Ash in the face and take the fainted Pokemon. The problem is Ash loves Pikachu far more than he loves any of his other Pokemon, so you know what's going to happen? You're dominating Pikachu. You'll be like, all right, Pikachu, come back. Go blast on this. Gelsamit gets basically waterboarded. Okay, I got a new plan.

Damn. Step one, buy a ditto. Yep. Okay, step two, buy some sunglasses. Okay, I put on my sunnies. Buy two pairs. Give a pair of sunnies to my ditto. I'm like, ditto, imitate me.

The ditto turns into me. Okay, then I challenge Ash to a battle, and I'm like, I'm sorry, my ditto he just, he looks heaps like I do. I don't know why he just won't change back. Ash is like, that's cool. Secretly, I'm the one who leaps out of

the Pokeball. Ditto stays, I learned ventriloquism. Ditto stays standing like, bop, bop, bop. And I'm like yes he threw me Pick up the Pikachu run That's why I got the sunglasses Ah smart

Yeah you did Thundered You're still getting thundered I just put myself in a Pokemon battle You're dying What can kill Pikachu in one move Or make him faint in one Nothing this is the problem with Pokemon Because if I can be like What level kill Pikachu in one move? Or make him faint in one? Nothing. This is the problem with Pokemon.

Because if I can be like... If he's like, what level is Pikachu? Probably like a hundo at this point. At this point, quite impossibly high. All right. You can't get into normal Pokemon battle means that have gotten him years ago. Five step plan.

Yeah. Step plan. Step plan. Become the best trainer there ever was. Bam. Okay. Step two. Yep. Find God. Okay. We got him. All right. Step three. Become the best trainer there ever was. Bam. Okay, step two. Yep.

Find God. Okay, we got him. All right, step three. Use my God Pokemon to just shiddle over Ash's Pokemon. Yep, demolish Pikachu. Demolish Pikachu. Step four. Pick up Ash's Pikachu's skeleton.

Yep. And then take it to Poké Center. Revive it. It's mine now. Also send the God at Ash. Oh, well, there you go. Basically use god Yeah, yeah, if you use god

I like any five step plan That involves the lord almighty And that's good Wait, how does this god Pokemon Can I pray to this god Pokemon Can I be like, hey god Pokemon Can you please just give me No wait, where is he

Space I hate space But I'm going to have to do it Can you please just give me Ash's Pokemon? No, wait, where is he? Where is Space, isn't he? It's Space. Yeah. Okay, so Sam is going to go to Space. I'm going to go to Space, and I hate Space. But I'm going to have to do it to get this Pikachu. So you're going to have to become the greatest Pokemon trainer there ever was. Yep. It's a bit of a long con. I know this, but like, eh.

Well, Ash has done it. He's still 10, so it doesn't take that long. He hasn't done it. That's the thing. He's trying. Yeah. So I guess Sam becomes almost like a new rival. Yeah. For Ash along the way. I'll trying. Yeah. So I guess Zammett becomes almost like a new rival. Yeah.

For Ash along the way. I'll try and legitimately take him off him. Gary Zammett. Yeah. Gary Zammett. Battle for pink slips. La Familia. Pink slip.

I have no idea what you're talking about. Pink slips is when you like, because your registration and stuff, you're driving the car thing. So like if you race a pink slips, the winner gets both cars. So you're playing for keeps. But I was thinking about Fast and Furious. Is Ash a gambling man? He's a 10-year-old man.

I think he'll gamble. So he might be. He hasn't quite developed a gambling gene yet. There's those gambling places. And he fucking loves them? Yeah, probably. They exist, so sure. Sure, why not? Wait, do they let 10-year-olds gamble? Yeah, probably. They exist, so sure. So sure, why not?

Wait, do they let 10-year-olds gamble? Yeah, they do. In the game, he gambles. He's a gambling boy. But in the game, we don't know how old you are, because you're not Ash. Presumably 10. You're living at home.

Unless you're some kind of 12-year-old bum. Get a job, you fucking dumb idiot. Yeah. So let's make a little wager okay and maybe I'll have something what he wants what does Ash get

yeah you're back to problem one Ash doesn't want anything to be the Pokemon champion I like your guard plan yeah and don't use guard in an actual Pokemon battle

just be like God can you kill him oh yeah RKS would be like no take him to the yeah no how can I make RKS evil

you can change his Type that's it Do an evil type Dark You can make him dark That's just like Spooky Wait hang on

Here's your plan Oh no Another plan Who's the Pokemon That kidnaps children Hypno Hypno Alright

Buy a Hypno Here we go Buy a Hypno I like that every single player Means I would have had A son of a Buying a Pokemon So we buy a Hypno We go hypno every single player means i would have had a son buying a pokemon so we buy a hypno yeah we go to ash's house or we hang out in his hipno do what you do best and

kidnap this child he kids that oh my fire the pikachu problem again that's fine you wait till they're asleep what does it both asleep we kidnap uh ash ash gets kidnapped he gets well whatever he's off he's off now in the ghost world doing whatever he wants to do. Then we knock on the door and we're like, oh, look, there's been all these kidnappings. How sad. Oh, we know we're here from some place. We look after orphaned Pokemon. Do you have any Ash's hot mom? And then Ash's hot mom is like, yeah, I do.

There's some Pikachus. So after we sweetly make out with Ash's mom, then we grab that Pikachu and we're like, hey, Pikachu, don't you worry. I know what's going to happen here is that we're going to try and find Ash for you together because we're mates. Yeah, but then we're going to grab that Pikachu and be like, come on.

It's just this way. Come on now. Just this way. Come on, come on. And then we take him to Giovanna and be like, got it. Got it. Fire team rocket.

Roost him good. Gels and Hammett, got it. Got it. Fire team rocket. Gelsam, it's blasting off again. Yep. That works better. The only thing is, if you were Ash's mom, would you just bail on your son's favorite Pokemon while he was missing? I wouldn't. Like, okay, Jackson goes missing.

Yeah. Actually, Adam. Friend of the show, Adam, goes missing. goes missing There's a knock at the door, Zam And they're like, sorry to hear about Adam's disappearance You're like, how did you know? He's like, I'm just real sorry Anyway, I need to borrow Malady It's my dog

It's not Adam's dog Technically, Pikachu's Professor Oaks, I think Yeah Nah, but if I say If I'm with an agency that looks after orphaned Pokemon But why? You got a bamboozler in that first

Like ten minutes of grief So you gotta be quick Yeah this is happening the day after she wakes up She's like oh where's Ash He got napped He got napped what? Hey you're looking real pretty So I was thinking with your god idea

The problem with using god is that he's unpredictable He doesn't love you He's not going to always follow your orders However, in the second game In that weird alleyway There's a person that you can get your Pokemon's haircut with And every time you get your Pokemon's haircut That Pokemon loves you more

That's how you evolve one of the Eevees. You make it love you a bunch. By cutting its hair stacks. So if you just cut the RKS's hair a fuckton. Eventually it'll just be maximum love. Oh my god, yeah, I will kill this boy for you. I'll kill you. Give me my haircuts.

I'll kill whoever you want. You're going to need to beat all eight gyms to obey you in the first place. It's a long con. All right, look, if there's a god Pokemon, my next question, is there a sneaky devil Pokemon? There's a lot.

There's a Pokemon called Giratina that lives in like a ghost world, but it's more unpredictable than the god Pokemon. It's going to Gengar. Whatever. So is there like a... Dream eater, that bitch. I say your god plan with the haircuts is good. That's a good plan. Or my god Gengar. Whatever. So is there like a Dream Eater that bitch? I say your

God plan with the haircuts is good. Or my God plan with the haircuts. I still think kidnapping Ash is a good move. I think the struggle that we're all going to find is that all three of us are trying to, well I don't know what Douche is doing. He's offered literally no solutions. A hodge zero plans. Go on then. You're so fucking

clever. Get a Golem to pick up pikachu done got golem he's he's a rock yeah why do i why am i struggling to come up with a response what's ash gonna do against a giant boulder and a mid--20-year-old man. But surely if it was that easy, Team Rocket would have done something. No, they're just dumb fucks because they're always thinking about giant plans

like you dickheads. Or it's so simple. It's literally taking a thing from a child. So first your plan, give it to me in steps. That's how I understand plan. Catch a geo, dude. Which step is that? Step one, catch a geo, dude.

They're like mount mood or buy one or buy one buy one from the shop pop down to the shop be like give me your best rock

buy a golem why are you selling a geo dude well I might as well just raise it to be bad and then at least it gives me something to do for like

a couple of weeks rather than just solving this riddle in fucking four minutes pop down to the shop get a golem be like hey golem attack that pokemon yeah you did it go so wait attack like a pokemon battle or just like punch well even if i just pop up i just like grab ash by the shoulders yeah like what you're gonna do kid then you're gonna get zapped but like yeah but like hey he's gonna get Gollum's going to get thundered right I know Gollum is kind of

He's not immune to it He's a ground Pokemon What's stopping Ash from taking his Pikachu back in it's ball Well I mean Gollum's holding on to it But then he can use the ball to catch it Pikachu hates that I'm sure Pikachu prefers the ball than being kidnapped

Although Gollum could also just turn around and the ball would just hit Golem and nothing would happen. What if Pikachu starts scratching? He's got other moves, just iron electricity. Oh yeah, but scratch also does pretty much zero to a Golem. Pretty much or zero? One. One or two. He'll wear him down eventually.

Nah, Pikachu, if we're basically... Nah, but then you are punching Pikachu in the face probably. Nah, fair. I mean, like, and also that if Pikachu attacks Golem, Golem would just be like, earthquake, I guess. Okay, so then what's stopping Ash from being like, well, you are not... You're taking my Pokemon.

You are not abiding by the rules of any kind of gym. So I'm just going to throw every single Pokemon that I have at you. Yeah, what's stopping Ash being like, oh, the only rules are there are no rules. Oh, okay. Enjoy all six of my bad boys. And I'd be like, oh, see, I've there are no rules. Oh, well, in that case. Enjoy all six of my bad boys. And I'd be like, oh, see, I've got one golem. Meet my other five.

I bought six. Fuck, I bought 20. Who cares? I think he's got, like, a lot. Yeah, but they're stored in a PC, but he's only got six on him because he would be abiding by the rules until that exact moment. Wait, so that's an option? Yeah.

I just buy heaps of Pokeballs, catch every Pokemon I see, unleash them all at once, steal a Pikachu in the chaos. Yeah. That's a lot of catapies. But you're arguing, you guys had the stupid plans, I had the one with the Golem. Don't look at me like I'm a fuck for not letting that happen. I picked up, I got a Golem.

Whatever, so I got Pikachu. What's the biggest Pokemon? Wailord. I'm gonna drop one on Ash's face. You're killing a child. Done. Got a Pokemon. Like I said at the fucking beginning, a gun solves your problem.

No, because Pikachu zaps you. Shoot Pikachu in the knee. Pikachu still zaps you. I don't care. He's crippled. You're crippled. You would not survive thunder. I'm just a little bit electrocuted.

No, no, you're dead. You're dead. Electrocuted. You're dead. You're done. Electrocuted. You're dead. You're done. Yeah. It's not that dangerous. What if I grab like, it's like, yeah.

It is. Ash dies. I think it's brought back a few years. I figure like maybe 20 golems is probably the best option here. 20 golems, bum rush them. Steal that kachoo. Take it to Giovanni. Be like, check this shit out.

Because you're almost playing pass the parcel with the kachoo. Because if one golem falls, you can just pass it to the next one. It's a series of golems. It really works it out. Yes? No, I get the best one. All it requires is a slingshot and a Thunderstone. Wait till they're sleeping.

Get a Thunderstone. Aim it at Pikachu. Let go. Thunderstone embeds itself in Pikachu. Pikachu becomes a Raichu. Ash doesn't want any more. I get it. Giovanni's problem is changing it back. In fact, it's better now. Pikachu becomes a Raichu. Ash doesn't want anymore. I get it. Giovanni's problem is changing it back.

In fact, it's better now. Ash wanted a Raichu. Pikachu didn't want to be a Raichu. Well, now Pikachu hates its life. I take a sad Raichu to Giovanni. I'm like, check it. It's better now. What you've done is Raichu wakes up,

pierced because it never wanted to be a Raichu, thunders the fuck out of you. How does it know I did it? I'm gone. How far are you shooting a slingshot? And you're a slow man, Jackson. I hide. Yeah, but he got it when he was asleep and he slept through his evolution. Next morning he wakes up.

That was your words. You said he woke up the next morning as a Raichu. Jack's gone by the next morning. I'm out of there. I'm scot-free. Back to the lake. When are you getting the Raichu? Down the track. No, all you've done is evolve Ashes Pokemon in this situation. It's a depressed

Raichu now. It's a depressed Pikachu. A ten-year-old boy has no idea how to deal with a depressed animal. Probably give it up for adoption or like a Pokemon. Take it to my hijacked Pokemon. There we go. I mean, a Santa. And then at that point I steal it, put it in the lake. Put it in a lake? Wait, why are you putting it in a lake?

Oh, no, take it to your party. Or what you do is be like, hi, Ash, you seem that Pokemon is depressed. Hi, I'm a poker therapist. For like, hey, what I'll do. Are you wearing the Team Rocket garb while you do this? Always. I hide a Team Rocket badge somewhere conspicuous. That's a bad branding, Dushan.

Yeah, no, I understand. And be like, yeah, I mean, honestly, rusing this 10-year-old boy should be pretty easy. He's a 10-year-old boy. It's his Pokemon you've got to be worried about. And again, making the Pokemon that was too hard to catch in the first... Your biggest issue was the fact that you couldn't outsmart the Pikachu, and then you've just made it stronger.

How bad is it? But if it's sadder, then it's... I'm going to lose. Right. Where's Giovanni live? Viridian City, maybe? So can we be just like, hey, look, there's a Pokemon tournament here.

There is. And then what the fuck? Hey, come here, boy. No, he does that. But the thing is, like, he's like... Giovanni, there There is. And then what the fuck? Hey, come here, boy. No, he does that. But the thing is, Giovanni, there it is. Everyone knows Giovanni runs Team Rocket. Giovanni, there's the Pokemon. Are you saying have one at Team Rocket

headquarters? Yeah, whatever. Here it is. Ash comes in. Team Rocket swarm him. Yeah. I mean, they try that. How come it doesn't work? You know how I keep being like, you're going to get thundered? They get thundered. And then arrest Ash for using his Pokemon on another person.

That's a crime. Yeah, but Team Rocket is a criminal organization. They probably run as the police. A completely legitimate businessman. Rude. And why did you have a 10-year-old boy in your lair, a completely illegitimate businessman? He's an idiot.

He thought there was a Pokemon tournament on today. Plus, I'm sure Giovanni has the police in his pocket. You're getting arrested for child abuse. That's worse than getting electrocuted. It is. Some might say. It is. No, he'd be like, whatever, he got lost.

Why is he down? He was trespassing. What a rude boy. Yeah. And he'd be like, why did you have like 30 men jump at a 10-year-old? Because he was trespassing. We were worried about him. I assume it'd be like, why did you have like 30 men jump at a 10-year-old? Because he was trespassing. We were worried about him. I assume it'd be more like...

He was here threatening us with a Pikachu bin, like, I'll get you all, zap, zap, zap. And we're like, oh! A 10-year-old. Yeah. You know, he had tantrums. Do you have any security footage of this event? Because it's seeming very... No, the Thunderwave wiped all of the cameras.

Yeah, the Thunderwave wiped all the cameras. Who are you going to believe? 30 fully grown men or one tantrum-causing child? You're all wearing Team Rocket uniforms, so... No. of the cameras. Who are you going to believe? 30 fully grown men or one tantrum causing child? You're all wearing Team Rocket uniforms. Just the pin. Just the pin. It's R stands for Real Cool Group. Let's ask Ketchum.

He's quite famous. What? What? You're all going to jail. I suspect it's more like the police come down and they're like, ah, you're under arrest. And then Giovanni puts like 50 poker simoleons in their shirt pocket

and the police go on their way. Yeah, it's like, you're under arrest. What's that? Payday. And then everyone goes. I have no doubt the Team Rocket, if it's any kind of decent mafia, has the Pokemon police force in its pocket, surely. I still think either buying a bunch of golems is the best idea, or... You keep pitching it

like it wasn't my idea. I'm not. I'm pointing at you when I said that. Yeah, good. Or... Just rusing Giovanni. Like, I got this Pokemon. Yeah, that's the Cachoo you're after. I think it's probably just not worth it, really. Or... Sell a bike. Hey, Giovanni,

do you really want this Cachoo? Why do you want it? And he'd be like I never wanted this This is You guys made this up This was your plan This was your plan You idiots

Or Give me god pokemon Yeah I was gonna say Like halfway through Your god plan Just be like Hey Giovanni Would you rather

God Yeah Give him some sweet haircuts He's on your side Yeah I imagine like In that situation Giovanni like

Just like a breakdown It's like no Like god whatanni like It's like a breakdown It's like no like God what No And then just like You know has like a crisis of faith And whatever And you end up the head of Team Rocket

And we rule Team Rocket Well I don't know how to handle this I'm going back to the lake Then I disband Team Rocket The lake I understand And we drown all the kachutes Just a lake with a whole bunch of like Pokeballs floating

Oh that's good This is where I gotta put them That's the only way they'll be safe Just a lake with a whole bunch of, like, Pokeballs floating. Oh, that's good. This is where I've got to put them. That's the only way they'll be safe. Keep the Pokeballs in the lake. Running a Poke-Center and just not knowing what to do with all the Pokeballs is real good. And then just, like, putting them in the nearest lake instead. Just being like, people are like, where's my Pokemon?

You're like, they're still getting ready. Usually, like, a ten-second thing. Yeah, they're still getting ready. Usually like a 10 second thing. Yeah, this is a difference. It's a different system. Don't worry about it. We're going analog. It's analog times now and it's so much land. It's rustic. So I think make a man-made poker island out of pokeballs from that lake.

And problems. Live on that. Sort of did it. Sort of nip that one in the bag yeah until somebody like knocks them all and they all open at once and i die actually what happens if you have a land mass of pokeballs yeah and then you open them all at once and then there's because like more pokemon are going to take up the land, like, are going to take up more space than a Pokeball, right? Yeah. So, like, what will happen? It'll just be, like, a lot of water.

We'll just make one giant kind of all, like, end of Akira, which is another anime film. You'll probably basically make a meat island. Yeah, yeah. Like a sentient meat island, though. Everyone's like, blah, I can't. I guess. Or would it be like, sentient island, sentient meat island though Everyone's like Or would it be like sentient island

Sentient island I like to imagine an Akira situation Where it's just like a body horror mess Where Pokemon just fuse with the person that was standing on the island What if you open a Pokeball After you swallowed it Uh oh Depends on how small the Pokemon is

And also is it a fly situation if you catch two things With one Pokeball at the same time? Do they fuse? They should. I always wonder what, say I got a Pokeball and then I got like some, like a chisel and I jammed it in there and opened it like that without throwing it. Like, what's going on? You know what I mean? Or what if I got like, say, a

Caterpie, put it next to my head on like, say, the right ear and got a Pokeball in the left ear opened it up to catch that Pikachu. Would it just catch that Caterpie? Slide through your brain? Would I go into the Pokeball? Can you go in a Pokeball?

And how are they designed so that people aren't affected, but Pokemon are? There's a lot of questions. Give me some answers. Good answer. And on that note note I've been Joel I've been Jackson And I've also been Joel

Good luck catching that dang kachoo Happy kachoo day Sometimes the easiest way to solve problems Is just the easiest way Is a golem Or just one Or just be not afraid to kill a child, I guess, is also fine too.

Exactly. There's a lot of life lessons to take away from this and thank you for listening. I still think, could he become his stepdad, don't I? Yeah, that's pretty good. Hot mum. He could bang his mum, yeah. Give Professor Oak the business. Hey, yell out from the street, hey, Professor Oak,

fuck you, you old fuck got him give me a tour so you can't team rocket blasts off at the speed of light surrender now or prepare for a totally grown-up fight yeah that's right pop off there thanks for listening if you want to help support the show why not become a member atPantsPlus.com and get early access to our shows, a bunch of exclusive content and much, much more. That's SandsPantsPlus.com.