Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Steal Christmas (a la The Grinch)?

Episode Date: December 20, 2020

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SANSPENCE RADIO, Australia's most cowardly podcast network. that aren't video games wiki how cora answers bad halloween costumes goosebumps books if that's legal i don't know and also video games so hey come see me do that twitch.tv slash jackson bailey i'm definitely doing some part of it wrong hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of plumbing the death star where we ask the important questions like, how would you steal Christmas a la The Grinch? A la The Grinch. I'm just putting a bit of spice in the topic so people are like, wow, Plumbing the Death Star have read a fucking book this week. They learned a new

word. At least watched the Jim Carrey cinematic marvel, The Grinch. And thought about The French. I really love I Love a Grinch. I'm imagining you boys being like, Jackson, we're exiling you to live on a mountain. I love a Grinch. Oh! I remember him okay

you've put it in terms i can understand i feel better about the fact you're sending me to a mountain to presumably die now because i can think about the grinch as i go yeah what was that guy so even though i said how would you steal christmas a la the grinch the grinch unfortunately fails he's one goal in life which is to steal christmas and then whoville or the whovians or doctor who or whatever that town's called are like oh no you love christmas now and he caves like a motherfucker i will not be doing that no uh let's talk about though let's let's nut out why the grinch steals christ That's a very good point He hates it

He's a Grinch, number one Are Grinchers just predisposed To hate Christmas? Do all Grinchers hate Christmas? Because I only know of one Grinch He hates Christmas Are we taking the Jim Carrey cinematic Marvel The Grinch as our canon

Or are we taking Dr. Seuss cinematic Marvel The Grinch as our canon, or are we taking Dr. Seuss' novel The Grinch as our canon? Or are we taking the 1970s TV show The Grinch Grinch's Halloween as our canon? Please let me know. I feel all three. Well, that's complicated, because you see, in The Grinch, the Jim Carrey cinematic Marvel, the reason he hates Christmas is that he's a Grinch, and he Carrey cinematic marvel, the reason he hates Christmas is that he's a Grinch and he's like a hairy who, like a Sasquatch,

and they send him to live on Mount something on Christmas Day, and so he blames Christmas for it. The Whos are happy and they get to be together, but the Grinch has to be on his shitty mountain with his dog. And so he's like, I'm going to steal Christmas to get back at the Whos as a sort of petty revenge style thing. Okay, so he's not really a Grinch has to be on his shitty mountain with his dog. And so he's like, I'm going to steal Christmas to get back at the Who's as a sort of petty revenge style thing. Okay, so he's not really a Grinch, he's just a hairy Who. Yeah, well, there's a scene where Cindy Lou Who is like,

what's a Grinch? And the dad's like, he's a what? And she's like, but we're Who's. And he's like, yeah, he's a what? Kind of like a Who, but a bit fucked up anyway. So he's just either a hairy Who or maybe some kind of squatch. I sort of see him as a throwback. Like if somebody popped a Neanderthal out their pussy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Someone took a shit and a missing link came out of their pussy. Oh, you had a gorilla baby instead of a regular one. Put it on a mountain and hope it doesn't steal christmas in 20 years and unfortunately that gorilla baby grew into plumbing the death star split into three and here we are yeah i just quickly i just quickly googled it the reason uh why does the grinch hate christmas the reason for this is a source of speculation which is good for us plumbing the death star as that is what we are currently doing. The consensus among the Who's

though, is that he was born with a heart two sizes too small. Oh, he's got a heart defect. That man's life expectancy is quite low. I feel sorry for the Grinch. He's so much taller than a Who. He needs a bigger heart. He needs a heart the size of

a follow-up, and he's got the heart the size of a small dog. His Grinch blood's the size of a small dog his Grinch blood is not getting pumped quickly enough through his Grinch veins he also hates Christmas noises like this goes on to say that like the various noises of Christmas really upset him well like that's just you know it's like

November 1st and then you suddenly hear you know last Christmas play at Coles and you're like that's it I'm stealing Christmas yeah that's it you see somebody's put up their christmas lights you know a day early like it's not even december yet and you're like yeah that's it i'm doing it i'm stealing christmas this year i get it an area that i lived in briefly is like a small ish let's get a small suburb and someone grinched christmas there and went around and cut everyone's Christmas lights so that the street went black. That rolls.

That's a true Grinch. That was sick. Unreal. That's some Grinching. All right. Yeah. It was on the news. Yeah.

So what else is that? Why else does the Grinch steal Christmas? So his heart was too small. So he's got sore ears, I guess, from all the Christmas cheer. Well, because it's Who's as well. So they're going to be using instruments that are called flamboozles and make noises like, I'd be pissed too.

Yeah. Wouldn't you be joining in the procession? Shut up. Oh, yeah, for sure. I'd be joining in the prosciutto, baby. Chewing something. I'm sorry. Let me play the flamboozle.

Yeah. With my mouth full of prosciutto. Let me play the flamboozle. Yeah. With my mouth full of churro. So, how would y'all steal Christmas? Let's talk about it. So.

Yeah. The Who's tries... The Who. Not the Who's. The Who's are celebrating Christmas. Yeah. The Who. The Who. They're like, wow!

And we're like, yeah, all right. They're just like, shut up. I'm stealing Christmas from the Who. Why is your song called Baba O'Reilly, but you just keep saying Teenage Wasteland? That's very confusing. That doesn't make any sense. I'm coming for the Who.

Who's Baba O'Reilly? I'm stealing the Who. Anyway. Now the Grinch stole the Who. Anyway. So the way that the Grinch, I guess, goes about stealing Christmas is just to literally grab all the Christmas stuff and jam it into a sack.

Which is clever, but he thought too small. So he's clearly gone, okay, I'll just take the Christmas stuff. Everyone will be upset and they'll hate Christmas. Best way to do it, what if Christmas doesn't exist this year because you steal all the calendars, rip out December? this year because you steal all the calendars rip out december what point are you doing are you doing this in december or are you doing this like january so that people get too accustomed to the idea that it'll just go we're gonna miss christmas this year when's your how do you go about how do you bamboozle the who's by their their i i guess their lack of counting abilities yeah yeah how do you how do you go from the Who's being like,

somebody has wrecked all our calendars, I know why, to Christmas isn't happening this year. I reckon the best time to do this would be January 2nd. January 2nd? See, I think that's a bit early. I think people will realise. I was thinking more like a mid to late October or ordeal oh okay people are excited about halloween yeah enjoying it they're enjoying the nightmare before christmas yeah it makes them think about christmas yeah that's why yeah before christmas happened on christmas or halloween well it's the nightmare before it doesn't happen at all it's a movie oh my god jack skellington's not a real guy he is fictitious yes

fiction yeah he's a fiction learning new words a la fiction so with october so i was thinking january 2nd because in this way people were like wait a second, is it January 1st or 2nd or 3rd? We don't really know. We're still a little bit hung over from all that New Year's cheer. Yeah. They kind of might stuff up the first, because they can just count. They'll be like, all right, we can count. There's 31 days has January and other months.

February's a tricky one. This is the song that every kid is taught in school. Yeah. 31 days has January. January. Add some other ones. Add some other months. February's a tricky one.

And I'm pretty sure we involve knuckles and your fists somehow. March. And then we just count it. March. March is the next month. How many days? That's a great question April, well, then there's May

None have less than 27 I know that for sure February on a leap year Has 29, we think But on a Non-leap year, 28 Because one less

If you steal Zamat's calendar He would just be like, I guess time isn't real. I didn't know what month it was anyways. December has 31 days. Does any month have a tricky 32nd day? I don't think

so. I don't think so. It doesn't sound right, but if someone told me that October had 32 days, i think i'd believe them way too much of any sandspans podcast is finding out that the kind of things we should have learned in primary school we didn't yeah you know um i reckon it's better for you jd if you steal the whole calendar throw them off completely yeah yeah that's clever because if they don't know what month it is,

then you could just come in and be like, Christmas happened. You missed it. Think about, sure, there's a lot of who's out there who are probably smart and know how to count days and know how many dates there are in any given month. But there's going to be a loud minority of idiots like me who have been like, no, there's not. What happened to March 32nd?

If I can't see it on the calendar, it doesn't exist. Time is just forever now. I don't have object permanence. When I'm not looking in the mirror, I presume I don't have a head. Yeah. How many hours in a day? 16?

I don't know. And I reckon that's going to be to your favor. If you could also steal the sun or the moon, that would be clever too. See, that's going to be to your favour. If you could also steal the sun or the moon, that would be clever too. See, that... Yes. That's just day forever. No, no, no, no, Jackson.

You've got to think... You can't steal it because they'll know something's up. You've got to make it quick. Fast up the sun and the moon. Fast up the sun and the moon. Okay, now we're talking. Because if I... It has to be real quick.

It has to be like sunset, sunrise, sunset, sunrise, sunset, sunrise, like that quick. Like, very quick, to the point where it's basically like turning on a torch. On and off. Because if it's only... Make Whoville strobe and I like it. If it's only...

What I need is to do 30 strobes if I start it at the end of November, because if I do it too slow, then they'll still have Christmas. Because the whole thing with Grinch's plan is like, even though he tries to steal it just before Christmas and wreck the Christmas cheer, I guess he's doing that so that everyone associates Christmas with upset and hatred, and then I guess comes to suck him off on the mountain instead.

I don't know what his ultimate plan is. It's unclear. I think it is to get sucked off, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What are it is to get sucked off though. What are you going to do about Father Christmas? A la Santa Claus. What's your point? He's something the Grinch encounters and has to deal with. The Grinch steals Christmas after Santa's delivered

the presents. Hey Jackson, if you get a phone call and you heard that you didn't have to go to work that day and it was the one day of the year you worked. Would you be upset? I think my answer, once you were like, hey, Father Christmas, it's me, John. It's me.

You don't have to go to work today. It's me, Grinch Dusha. Who is this? I just want to let you know. Do I know you? How did you get this number? Hey, Santa Claus. Yeah.

I know that this is a really busy day for you this year, but I've just had to check it. It's the only day I'm busy. I've been here this whole year. I've just checked in with Whoville, and they've accidentally decided to not have Christmas this year. I mean, on purpose. On purpose decided.

They had a vote. They don't believe in the Christmas cheer anymore, which is a real dog move. Oh, my God. Well, you know what will make them change their mind about not believing in Christmas cheer? More Christmas cheer. Thank you very much, Grinch Doucher.

Hang up, and then you've sent Father Christmas on his way. I'm building an electric fence. You just sit there at the top of the mountain, and you see a bug hitting a bug zapper. Santa. You're like, I'm going to collect those presents in the morning. How high? Because he's got that magical sleigh that flies over.

Yeah, but the thing with Santa is he's not expecting a fucking electric fence. I think Jackson's under something here with his bug zapper idea. What does Santa love? Yeah, milk and cookies, baby. Milk and cookies. So why don't we put some milk and cookies in, and cookies so why don't we put like some milk and cookies in like is it a faraday cage what is this thing it's just full of electricity well i am bad boys you want to kill father christmas yeah plan here yes well you don't

even need a bug zapper then just put fucking a cyanide capsule in his milk and cookies load it up and then i guess we'll be like, I guess someone captured Santa and he bit into one of his famous cyanide pills before revealing the secrets of North Pole. Or South Pole. I always get confused. Where does Santa live? He lives in the

North Pole. I was like, yeah, he lives in the- oh no! Because the South Pole's Antarctica and the North Pole's not really a place, you know? I mean, if I had the choice, I'd pick the one that's an actual place

to live in. Yeah, I'd pick the one with land, but I'm not Santa. Does Father Christmas visit the Grinch? I guess not. I guess the Grinch, like poor kids in the Polar Express, doesn't get presents from Santa. That's canonical in the Polar Express doesn't get presents from Santa. That's canonical in the Polar Express. There's a poor kid on that train and he's like, I don't get presents.

And he only gets presents when he physically goes up to Santa and is like, hey, what the fuck? Maybe Santa has like object permanence, but for like the non-wealthy. You have to hit a certain level of wealth for Santa to notice you. Santa, that capitalist pig. Well, because I'm thinking if the Grinch does get visited by Santa, you just cyanide his milk or whatever. Try not to drink it beforehand.

That'll be the hardest bit. It's going to be a challenge. It's going to be a challenge for all three of us. I've got so tired from putting cyanide in this milk. A glass of milk would sure be good right now. No. No, I mustn't. Give me the energy I need for this heist tonight.

I've just put some delicious cold ice in this milk and it looks so delicious and frosty. I am parched and a little bit hot. I know I put cyanide in one of my milks. Which one was it? I know I only currently have one milk in front of me, but it's probably not that one. Surely I would remember.

That would be silly. Did I put cyanide in the bottle of milk or the glass of milk? Hmm. I'll test both. Santa arrives and he's like, holy shit, this cunt's dead. holy shit this cunt's dead okay this cunt's dead and he drank all my milk he drank both this whole

bottle of milk and this entire glass turns out I poisoned neither of them it was just a lot of milk this man is clearly suffering from a milk overdose This 8 litre bottle of milk Or this 5 litre glass of milk Better try both

But it's fine because I'm like a rat I can vomit so I'll be in the clear I'll be okay Unlike a rat and Santa I can vomit So I'll be in the clear It's crazy that I drank all of it My stomach ruptured I guess

So your plan is Dush Just to lay it out Steal only the December part Of every Whovian calendar I've changed my mind I think the idea of stealing The whole calendar Every calendar in Whoville I've changed my mind. I think the idea of stealing... The whole calendar. The whole calendar, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Steal the whole... every calendar in Whoville. Yep. Somehow speed up the day-night cycle. Have a word with the... yeah, well, that part we didn't really explore, but I reckon with the power of the Who, probably grab the cat in the hat. I reckon he can probably help. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's some kind of devil, sure. I'll be like, hey, the cat in the hat, it's me, Jill Dusha,

the gorilla baby that grew big um came out of a woman's pussy wrong we know you know my origin you know how it is you know how baby gets popped out the cat in the hat come on uh i'm on this mountain and uh my my parents uh they've told me not to get up to any mischief, and they love the sun and moon cycle, so gee whiz. I hope nobody wrecks that. It's a great strategy. Cat in the hat comes, thing one, thing two,

thing ABC or whatever, the fucking things under the thing. I got no time. I fucking get it, dude. I know what happens with the cat in the hat. They'll fucking get Beagle some shit and play tennis with the sun, and then they'll be like... Yeah.

And the sun will be setting and rising, and then they'll give everyone the calendars back and be like, you missed Christmas. The sun and moon, you get cycled. Father Christmas is dead in my cave. I don't know. I'm exhausted from thinking about hanging out with cat in a hat. It's upset me.

But I hate Christmas more, I guess. Yeah, that's fair. And then you've got to somehow get rid of Cat in the Hat, but you've got all year to do that. Well, no, it's fine, because Cat in the Hat, look, I've got milk with cyanide on it, and he's a cat, so... You've got two graves at the front of your cat. Two shallow graves, one full of a cat, one full of a Santa.

Oh, yeah. Thing one and thing two I treat as my dogs. Feed them scraps. Well, here's the final hurdle for you. And this is the final hurdle for the Grinch as well. And this is what gets him in the end. I've jumped over so many hurdles at this point that I'm really warmed up for this one. I've cleared them all by such great distance.

Because at this point, you're standing by the two graves resting on your shovel and you hear and you're like you you do that great grinch curl with your finger and you go they sing without floozles they sing without flagels they sing without mingles and broncles and blangles they're still happy even though you stole christmas what are you gonna do well lucky i've got my shovel and they've got the songs uh i know which one wins so you're just like well i'm satisfied i killed two adults today okay i thought he was going with like a mass whoville slaughter with a shovel. Yeah, me too.

But also, like, hearing people sing isn't going to fill my heart with joy. I hear people sing all the time, and guess what? I feel nothing. Your heart remains two sizes too small. But your ears are sore because you hate the Christmas singing. This is what drove you slash us to this. Yeah. Well, actually, then it probably fills me with rage.

I'm not going to forgive them. I'll be like, ah! Jaldush's blood vessels grew to three sizes that day. I start digging a third grave. Okay. I guess you did stop. Did he stop Christmas? He didn't really stop Christmas.

No, because I guess I did Christmas. It depends because in theory I guess You stopped next Christmas. I've stopped a Christmas and maybe Christmas is forever. But the Christmas I was trying to stop, did that still happen? Maybe. I think it kind of did. I think it'll be next year where the Goos won't be singing

because they'll be like it didn't happen again. Although, maybe, if they're singing Christmas songs they clearly haven't seen what I've done yet next year with a who's won't be singing because they'll be like it didn't happen again although maybe if they're singing christmas songs they clearly haven't seen what i've done yet so they walk up the mountain singing and then they see a shallow grave oh no oh my god we were going to invite you down for whoville dinner but you are a murderer yeah the chair. Guess Christmas is saved by me after all. Saved. Oh, yeah.

And then they light you up and you, you know, I like Christmas lights. That's kind of sweet. They put you on a big. You become the star on top of a tree. A big Zeusian electric chair in the middle of town. You pull a big wacky lever to make it go. So while you might not have stopped Christmas,

you definitely changed it. I didn't stop Christmas. You've got a new tradition, let's put it that way. I've got to sacrifice someone to the tree next year. Yeah. So the good news is,

so the bad news is I didn't stop Christmas. The good news is I definitely died in the process. Yeah. And I guess like if everyone else, like, I mean,

I couldn't stop Christmas for everyone But I stopped Christmas for me Yeah for sure That's something So okay I think you're on the right idea here With like changing aspects of Christmas here Or maybe even trying to confuse the civilians Confuse the who's

Yeah So I want to kind of take a leaf out of a lot of art theft Okay In terms of how one steals christmas and so you look stealing christmas that's the easy bit all you gotta do is get a big sack and chuck it in there yeah sure what you gotta do where was this help moments ago when i was struggling with the actual theft your plan began with basically mass hypnotism so so hey but then the cat in the hat got involved and things really leveled out for the more believable.

I was trying to help you in terms of getting the Whovilles very gaslit in terms of how many days has March. A question no one can answer. Yeah, I'm looking forward to listeners letting us know how many people got headaches and nosebleeds listening to your calendar song. I'm going to guess everyone. It's very catchy. i don't know what

people are talking anyway so uh the thing is we're when you when you're stealing a delicious piece of art what you want to do is have a replica a forgery that you can replace it with forging christmas that's great so i i think the best idea is even though they might be celebrating christmas they're actually celebrating a fake christmas you know and then christmas in december the day after christmas uh-huh 27th 6th yep yep yep uh you can be like a danny ocean 11 be like hey guess what guess what, idiots? You weren't celebrating Christmas. You were celebrating fake Christmas.

Play the tape. And then we can play the tape. How are you? Yeah. So, Zamit, what makes Christmas Christmas and what makes your fake Christmas trick people enough that they're upset that they didn't celebrate real Christmas but celebrated fake Christmas? Yeah. What's the difference between- First off, we've got to kidnap that Santa,

replace it with our own. Oh, okay. Is it- Yeah. Is it how clearly- How good a replica is it? Is this Santa going into being like, I'm Farber Christmas.

Who would like a prebend? Hey, hey, hey. This is a prebend. This is a prebend. I've received a grift for Christmas. Yeah. Well, I'm kind of tossing up between having an exact replica so that people don't know until like many, even like many months down the line. Okay.

Or doing something like that where it's like, you know, when people meet, you thought someone wished you a Merry Christmas. They actually wished you a Merry Cranbermas, and you didn't notice, you idiot. I like that. I get sucked off on a mountain. I think that is the end goal.

I really, really, really need this answered. What is Christmas, Joel Zammett? Because I think if you have another celebration where everything's the same but they're saying crimbus rather than christmas i don't think that changes much except that i stole christmas because they're not celebrating christmas they're celebrating some baffling new holiday called crimbus yeah yeah so yeah well again like the grinch we've got to steal the presents and replace them. Okay, so say it's for example.

Exactly, replacing them with presents. You know, people are like, oh, yay, I get the new Iron Man. We can go to the local reject shop and get an Iron Hero. And that will be when they open up, they're like, oh, thanks, Mom and Dad. I got an Iron Hero. And, you know, it's like Iron Man's thanks, mum and dad, I got an ironed hero. And, you know, it's like Iron Man's chest with Spider-Man's face and Hulk legs. And no one's going to be happy.

That's the kind of level I think we're going to go with here. Yeah, unwrap your present. You think you've got a scooter. You get out on the street and the moment the wheels move, they make like a... And you're like, I think it's a scuba that I've got. And everyone's like, oh, my God, that kid just keeps farting. You're like, no, it's my scooter. They're like, it's a scuba that I've gotten for Christmas. And everyone's like, oh my god, that kid just keeps farting. You're like, no, it's my scooter. And they're like, that's a scuba, dude. Only scuba's fart.

But you said you have a scooter, so those ones must be coming from your arsehole. We are going to make fun of you for the rest of your life. Because no one else farts but you, little boy. Oh, no, I wish I'd never received a scoob for christmas i'm sorry a scoob is my prebend for cribmas um you want the situation sam where it's not until the who's evaluate their christmas like how somebody might get their art valued and then the expert looks at it with their little eyeglass, and they're like, you've been sold a fake. When they're getting their Christmas valued in February, March,

that's when they discover it. And you're in an island. You're in Tahiti by that point. I'm in Tahiti sucking down sweet margaritas and looking at the ocean. Having sold that Christmas to the highest bidder on the black market. You're just in it for the fat cash, dude. That's all you're on. I'm still...

No, no, no. I'm just like... It's me and the OG Father Christmas on Tahiti. High-fiving as we swap sweet wads of fat cash. Father Christmas was involved. He was your inside man. Face? No, inside man.

He's the inside man. That's what you gotta have So You hate Christmas Because of the songs and how happy it makes people feel Because your heart's two sizes too small And I guess you've got sore ears We were all shout out the pussy wrong As hairy gorilla babies

Split into three The three mountains which surround Whoville. We each pissed one. We were like, meet back at Christmas time. We hate these cunts. Good. Alright, off we go. Yes. So, what changes if they say crimbus

rather than Christmas in their songs? Bahoo, gore, this doesn't seem right at all. Bahoo, Gore, right? This doesn't seem right at all. Dalu, Flo- Well- Because surely a better strategy- I like your idea, but I reckon your strategy is to

get really behind Christmas from January and slowly start changing things. Be like, rather than a Christmas tree, we should have a Christmas bush. And then, rather than a christmas tree we should have a christmas bush and then rather than uh father christmas we should be visited from johnny grandpa i don't know what we should be visited by johnny Who? A guy? Yeah, I know. Johnny Crash. He loves celebrating and parties, drinks. Sparkly blue suit.

Yeah. He's a party animal. Yeah. So you just slowly change everything. Yeah. But, like, not little changes, but you just pick one thing at a time and make a big change, and then when Christmas rolls around and they're not singing songs, they're chanting Johnny Crembo.

No, Johnny Crembo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then they realize that they haven't celebrated anything close to Christmas because you've changed literally every aspect. And rather than giving each other gifts, they're, I don't know. Look, I don't know. I don't know. Look, I don't know I don't know I just see that the wheels in your brain

and the cogs there turning and clearly a wrench has just been shoved in the middle where it all just comes to a screeching halt I like to admit that clearly both of us were just like we'll leave him for this we'll see what he does I'm curious

I was like, I don't know, they're just like, rather than giving presents they're just sucking each other off, and I was like, no, that's good because that's what we want. And then I was like, fingering? And I was like, no, same thing. That's still a good thing. I want a bad thing. And my brain was just like, nah, you've thought about this too long. No more words.

Sucking off and fingering. What else is there? What? Rather than giving each other presents, they're just handing each other bags of fart. There we go. There you go. Well, that's a great idea, but you're not really stealing Christmas. I like the idea of, look, that's a great idea of how to ruin Christmas that we haven't explored.

Maybe we will. But I still like the idea of, you know, I like the idea of that day after Christmas or a couple days after Christmas where they realize that they've been had. That's the best moment in anything. The penny drop moment. That's what you're looking for. With mine, though, you still get that. It just happens on Christmas Day. They're like, wait a second.

And you're like, whoa. You've changed it. You've completely gaslit them. I'm a big fan of it. Don't get me wrong. Now you're gaslighting me because I'm very confused to how my plan, which is pretty much just your plan, is wrong. You misunderstand. They've got to look in their vault douche they open up the vault and they're like where's our christmas

and then the music starts it's like and then we get the flashbacks to zamit going in there being like hey here's the the the sheet music for jingle bells but it says jimble bells or whatever and you're slowly finding out oh you're gonna like the Whoville supermarket and like there's me talking to the manager being like hey Father Christmas pretty old you know who you should get Johnny Crambo he's doing cool and the guy you and pretty cool yeah get your picture taken with Johnny Cranber. And everyone's like,

the guy in a sparkly blue suit with a mustache, yeah? He's a party animal. Everyone's thinking back to their interactions with you and they're like, Merry Christmas. And you're like, yeah, Merry Cranbers. And they're like, enjoy your Cranber cake. Oh, no!

Your Cranbers pubbing. Enjoy your Cranbers pubbing. Enjoy your Cranbers pubbing. Your crimbus pubbing. Your crimbus pubbing. And they're like, is that just a mud cake? And you're like, I'll never tell. And, you know, people come over to mine for, you know, crimbus ev. And they're like, oh, wow, is this a delicious turkey? And you'll be like, no, that is, what's a non-Christmas meat?

Beef fish. Beef fish? It's clams. Aha! Crimbus clams. Yes, good. And they're like, no, this isn't turkey. This is clams.

They're just a lot of clams jammed together to look like a turkey. How did you do that? That is the most impressive bit. Out of all of this. I'll give him a wink and I'll tap my nose on the side. I'm like, Cranber's secrets. I'm just filled with the Cranber's spirit.

The Cranber's spirit. And all I got to do is pay off, I guess, town leaders, people who would deal in Christmas. The people who are maybe going out and leading. The Grinch that are the ones that are most for Christmas

are the ones who are trying to pay off the situation. Just gotta bribe them. Everyone's got their price. Everyone absolutely has their price. Everyone has their price. What can you offer them, though? We'll go through it. The person who is probably leading all the choir,

so we've got to pay that person off. What do they love? Just cold, hard cash. Cold, hard cash. I think you might be overthinking it. Or a portion of Christmas, of real Christmas that you can give them. Yes! Because they love Christmas so much

that I'll be like, look, I'm going to come into some pretty good Christmas come December 25th. You want some Christmas on December 23rd. Real, legitimate Christmas. 100% pure Christmas. Ooh, it's jolly. Listen to my Christmas.

No crimpus here. 100% pure, uncut Christmas. Well, a bit cut because you're not getting all 100%. It's a bit cut. It's not cut with something else, though. No, when you're selling someone cocaine, you're like, this is 100% cocaine. And they're like, all right, all of it?

You're like, no, you're getting a portion of the cocaine. Hang on. You're the worst dealer in the world on You're the worst hair dealer in the world I give someone all my cocaine 100% pure cocaine 100% of the cocaine, thanks There's a difference between an uncut day And an uncut drug

Because it's pure Christmas But it is cut because Christmas is a time If you were selling cocaine You're falling into the trap That Christmas is a 24 hour period Christmas is a state of mind of pure christmas if you were selling cocaine that only lasted you're falling into the trap that christmas is a 24 hour period christmas is a state of mind

yeah christmas i like you know what's also good i'm gonna add to your idea again because i think

look i love this now before i was like we need johnny gring goose or whatever yeah johnny gringo

all right okay cool no i said green goose yeah johnny gringo all right okay cool no i said green goose yeah johnny green goose um so yeah i like the idea of this now because you're paying everyone off with more christmases than usually have so at the end you've got no christmas which is fine because you didn't want christmas yourself and then when everyone's like what happened to wait you'll like this though because you've done a bad thing you've wrecked Christmas. But then everyone's like, oh, you wrecked Christmas.

I'm like, no, I have no Christmas. Turn to your leaders who accepted Christmas as a bribe. They've taken Christmas for themselves. You, in fact, have gotten too greedy. They can give a really big impassioned speech about how they're the bad guys. Watch who will tear itself apart. I just held the mirror up to your society. I'm Joel Zermatt, the clown prince of this mountain. Okay, all right.

Now, okay, yes. So, yes, Whoville, definitely they live in a society. I appreciate that. I get what you're saying. Whoville's a society. That's what I'm saying. You can't deny it. Yes, yeah, they live in one.

Now, I like what you're saying. However, you're coming from the assumption that I am being true to my deal with these leaders. Oh, my God. It's another twist. You're not realizing how quickly and easily that I could happily double-cross these motherfuckers. And then when they are there with big smiles, being like, I'm going to get my Christmas, that I can be like, ha-ha, I'm into he, motherfuckers, with the real Father Christmas, where Christmas lives.

Yeah, so you're watching as they open up their Christmas turkey and they're like, this is all clams. This is clams. Oh, my God, he's double-crust us. Joel Zabit's bank account grew three sizes that day. Exactly. And then I go and sell Christmas to the highest bidder, which I assume is the cat in the hat.

Sure. He's in no position to be buying anything at the moment. You call up me and you're like, douche, you got the cat in the hat's number, yeah? Can you call? I've got something you might want. I'm like, ah. I've got a little something that that Cat in the Hat wouldn't know.

I don't know where he is at the moment. I've got Thing 1 and Thing 2 here, though, if you want to talk to them. No, they seem poor. They do seem poor. What a Lorax. Is he swimming in fat cash? No, he's too busy being He would be angry at you, I think

Yeah, he's sort of like an environmentalist He's sort of a communist What about those stubborn things? You know, the ones that won't move Maybe I'll get like a fitting They build like a freeway around them Maybe I'll get in a bidding Yeah, like a bidding war between them two about Christmas.

What about Sam I Am and that cunt that has the ham or whatever? The guy that's like, you gotta fucking eat this fucking goddamn ham. Isn't that Sam I Am? What's a kid's name then? Sam! I Am! But then who's the cunt with the ham? No, Sam I am has the ham, and he's giving it to the unnamed other guy.

The guy, okay. Well, Sam I am, it seems like he loves a bit of, nah, trust me, you'll love this, because then you can hit him with a, nah, trust me, you'll love this. Yeah. Swap some green eggs for some Christmas, that's not a good deal. Although, unnamed kid loves it, so maybe it's a great deal. So I guess my plan is to slowly but surely forge Christmas, replace Christmas with a lesser idea,

and bamboozle all the people from Whoville that they are experiencing Christmas when they're really not. And that's going to be just a nice little punch in the bread basket for them. And then you go to Tahiti with Santa Claus. Then I'll be in Tahiti because I've tricked all the Who leaders that they are actually getting a cut of Christmas. And then, look, if we want to include the fact that Who is a society,

maybe I'll link that to the Who presses, that their world leaders sold them out for Christmas cheer. Cindy Lou becomes... What's the word? And now a quick word from our sponsors. Also, have you noticed that your shirts and or bags are often lacking in pins from your good friends at Sands Pants Radio? Well, that's easily remedied by heading to our merch store

on sandspantsradio.com and grabbing one of our pins. We have the Sands Pants Radio logo, an always bet on Piss D20, and Jackson's face that is a replica of his legally binding signature. Sold separately or as a set of three, check them out at our merch store over at sanspantsradio.com. She becomes Two-Face.

Okay, well, these have been brilliant ideas, but I think you're radicalized. That's the word I was looking for and it came to me. Radicalized and becomes Two-Face. Anyway, what are you saying? I think you're failing is that you're going pre-christmas stealing christmas the best time to steal christmas is right in the middle

of christmas with i guess domestic terrorism so my plan is on mount grinch or wherever i am to set up some explosive devices in such a way that they will create an avalanche over Whoville. And then I hold Whoville hostage in demand they give me Christmas or I'll destroy their tiny little baby dick town. And that's how I'll steal Christmas.

With a loudspeaker. People, who's of Whoville? It is I, the Grinch. Give me your Christmas or suffer. I have bombs this time. I have bombed the mountain this time. I did this in the past just hoping for an avalanche.

So have you already set off the bombs? No, I just have them ready to go, and I got the little device in my hand. And I'm like, check it out who's if you don't bring me christmas within the next 10 minutes maybe i'll give him an hour the next hour if you don't bring me christmas within the next five seconds five four three two one two so your plan is just for the ending of the grinch to happen but this time just a bit quicker because you're threatening violence yeah well and i'm doing it obviously and of the Grinch to happen, but this time just a bit quicker because you're threatening violence.

Yeah, well, and I'm doing it obviously and publicly. The Grinch did it quietly like an idiot. They need to know the terms of the deal, okay? Because don't they march up the mountain singing his song and then he realizes it's Christmas or whatever? No, you moron. And then you just want that because they're bringing you Christmas?

I want them to deliver me Christmas to the front of my cave so I don't bomb the town or crush the town beneath an avalanche all right so now you're unfortunately going to probably be the most easily swayed because they're going to be like we know what's going to happen and then they're going to like exactly what happened in in the grinch uh the the jim carrey marvel uh piece uh marvel piece part Sure, Marvel piece. Part of the Marvel piece. Truly one of the greatest. Yeah. Greatest cinematic masterpieces. So, yeah, so they're going to come marching up,

singing a song, and you might be swayed. You think I'm going to get swayed by Fahoo Lore, Lahoodore? Well, the Grinch did, and I think he's got more willpower than you. But you forget, damn it, my brain is three sizes too small. Jackson, you're going to make that threat,

then they're going to have a loudspeaker back, like, all right, we're happy to negotiate these situations, just please put down the remote, you won't, and then all of a sudden you get shot through the head. There's a Who sniper on a nearby hillock. They're going to keep me talking long enough to get a sniper nearby and kill me do you think the who's would kill me to save christmas yeah probably well and also not just christmas their town

yeah and i think the moment the the gun is fired though i as as in panic will pull the button and crush whoville regardless and no one i imagine what's gonna happen is the mountain will make a fart noise and nothing else will happen because you've rigged the bombs wrong. And then maybe you've wrecked Christmas because who feel like, did we just kill an innocent man? We shouldn't celebrate this day. We did get rid of Jackson.

So it is good to imagine me pressing the button down in my cave exploding because I forgot to take the bombs out. Oh no shit. My home. Can I live in one of bombs out. Oh, no shit! My home! Can I live in one of you guys' houses, please? My house was, that's where the bombs were, so. What did I bury under the snow, then? Dog just pops his head out.

Oh. Okay. That checks out. Well, I'm pretty sure sure in my situation i dug a third grave and never actually put anything in it so if you want to sleep in that you're welcome that sucks that i come to your guys mountains well not samus in tahiti and i'm like mine didn't work you can have my mountain i'm not no no no he hasn't. Well, what if I go even less elaborately and I just get a bat and I go into Whoville and I person by person mug them of Christmas? Put it in the bag. And then, you know, threatening them with a bat.

I'll hit you with this bat if you don't put Christmas in this bag. Go around town, take it back, burn it or whatever in my cave. How physically taller than you are compared to a who? Well, me, Jackson, I'm truly humongous because who's living a snowflake? But if I'm in the snowflake, just regular, I guess. Why? What are you thinking? Well, I'm just thinking.

Well, they're microscopic. Power of numbers here. Microscopic, in fact, not scobic. Made that word up. Well, if I'm regular me... I see you're trying to heist microscopes. Aha, you caught me. If I'm regular me, I just inhale Whoville and vore it up,

and that's life, you know? That's one and done. Well, I think if you are kind of like i guess uh grinch size in comparison to the who so you're kind of in relatively like similar size whatever um you're gonna get stopped by i guess the who cops um yeah i i guess it'd go as well as you would now with a bat being like hey i would like to steal christmas and going up to each person one by one. I think maybe you might get one Christmas. Okay.

But I think someone will attack you or stop you or call the Who police or, you know. Yeah, but how bad can Who prison really be? Famous last words. Yeah. Well, they ostracize a man for being too hairy to live in a cold mountain. Well, they'll just send me back up the mountain then.

And then I'll come back down with my bat and both of us. But that was you not really doing a crime. That was you just existing and they didn't like it. So if you do a crime they don't like, I can't imagine them not being, you know, militant about it. Yeah. Hung from Christmas tree until dead, maybe. Yeah, yeah.

Wow. Look, if you told me that, like, not only were the Whovillians pro-capital punishment, but, like, pro-cap see that. It wouldn't shock me. No. I'd be like yeah they seem bloodthirsty. Like hey yeah be careful because they reverse crucified that Jackson cunt for being too

hairy or whatever. What is a reverse crucifix? It's the way that Saint Peter died. He had upside down. They put the crucifix inside me. No. He was nailed toifix inside me. No. He was nailed to the cross upside down. Read a Bible for once in your goddamn life.

But he was exiled. That's not so bad. No, he will be when he comes back to town. I've misunderstood. I'm a who. Hey, little Cindy Lou who. Isn't there a guy here, Ned or something, that has like 96

sons and one daughter? The odds on that don't make sense to me. That's a lot of fucking. Anyway, I think there's a guy up in the mountain threatening to avalanche us. Let's go shoot him. Yeah, so I just feel that they're pretty bloodthirsty.

Well, what if I don't even bring it up? What if I just avalanche them? They can't have a Christmas if they're not alive, you know? If the Hoos are buried under a kilometre of snow, good luck having a Christmas, morons. Then I go back to my cave and have a little nap. Exactly like the Grinch, you just be like sitting on your mountain, rubbing your hands together, being like, I did it.

And then you just hear a little song coming from underneath one kilometer of snow and you're like how? What in the fuck? How? They should be dead. This is their icy grave. No! Then I set off the bombs inside my cave too.

I can't suffer Christmas if I'm not around to witness it. Everybody's under a kilometre of snow. Gone. The perfect Christmas solution. Done and dusted. Mission accomplished. Yeah, I think so.

Yeah. Wait. If the Who's are microscopic, who's the fellas, so Alec Baldwin and his wife or whatever in Cat in the Hat, are they regular guys or are they Who's? And then the Cat in the Hat, are they regular guys or are they Hoos? And then the Cat in the Hat's visiting Hoos. They are not Hoos.

They are regular humans. But in Horton, he's a Hoo. They are Hoos. Yeah. And also the cat can clearly change his, you know, mass. Well, the Cat in the Hat never interacts with Hoos. I don't know why you have this crazy idea. The only time Hoos arrives, oh, he does. Well, that cat in the hat never interacts with Who's. I don't know why you have this crazy idea. The only time Who's the right... Oh, he does.

No, never mind. In the cat in the hat Halloween Grinch 1975 short cartoon. They have a race, so I guess he can do that. Who wins? I don't know. I've never seen it. Who stole Christmas the best? Me.

And on that note, I've been Jackson Bailey. I've been Jill Dusha. Merry Cribmas, everybody! Merry Cribmas! From plubbing the dab stab. Let's have some clams to celebrate.

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