Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Stop Godzilla?

Episode Date: July 10, 2022

It only takes us 1 minute 20 to once again be crowned Australia's most loathed podcast. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ahem. You're listening to the Sandspence Network. Hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star. I'm Joel. I'm Jackson. And I'm also Joel. And this is the podcast where we ask the important questions like, How would you stop Godzilla? All right, very simple question and very simple answer.

See, the thing is, we know in Kong v. Godzilla, that in a three-round fight, Kong does lose. He wins one, but he loses eventually. The pitch is already good. So we just need, and the problem with this, several Kongs. Two Kongs. Two Kongs. Okay.

Well, not theory. We hire them. Pay them in banana? Hire them. Banana. Well, I mean, they're predicting acidity, right? How do you get a Kong? You've got to get a Skull Island.

There's only one Kong at Skull Island. All right. I see a problem with my plan. Almost immediately. Well, can I, if I have a Kong? Yes. Hmm. I don't want to bring this up so early in the episode.

Wow. It's not even a minute in. So if I were to jerk off that Kong, get that monkey cum. I see. And then use that monkey cum. With the intro ads, we're about 90 seconds in, I reckon. Yeah. Wow.

Okay. Here we go. So you get a handful of monkey cum. Where are you going? Giant monkey cum. A handful? You're drowning in monkey cum. He's jerking it off.

Where's the cum going? All right. Put Kong to sleep and we surgically get some of his genetic material. Are you cloning him, or are you trying to make a Kong baby? Oh, cloning. That makes sense. I don't have cloning technology, but I can put his cum into a gorilla and see what happens.

I don't think a gorilla. Wait, is Kong a gorilla? No, he's a... Don't say he's a big, one of his kind. He's a something. Well, he does look like a gorilla, but huge. So I don't know if... I don't think that he would be too big.

A baby Kong would be too big for... So if I were to get, like, say, a gorilla egg, and then basically in a lab make this happen. And so then I say, I just get a large-ish gorilla. And then I keep doing this and have an inbred free monkey that hates lizards.

And like, from a very young age, I'm like, look at the lizard! And slap him with the lizard. I hate to think about what's happening in Joel's laboratory. I think Kong grows up wrong, but also grows up to hate humans. Oh, why? The lizards were hitting him. You were hitting him with the lizard.

If you grew up as a child Where an adult keeps hitting Like opening a door into you on purpose Do you grow up hating doors? Those goddamn cars Was it a car door? I assume the car door It might have been a bedroom door You were trying to get out of the bedroom But also

I was thinking bedroom door Or like in-house door because it's funny You aggressively keep hitting someone. You probably hate both, I suppose. You hate doors for hurting you. What if I dressed up as the baby gorilla was small. I dressed up like a big lizard. Godzilla destroying the city in the background.

Guys, I've got this. We just need to wait a couple of years. What's the gestation period for a gorilla? An inb of years. What's the gestation period for a gorilla? An inbred gorilla. Not just the gestation period for one gorilla. We're talking generations. Look, it's not useful for this Godzilla attack, but maybe in 40 years. How old is Kong?

Because, like, he's a baby. Each particular, like, I guess, you know, because we've got to keep making them bigger. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we've got to kind of keep doing that. I because we've got to keep making them bigger. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we've got to kind of keep doing that. I guess we've got to keep having... Hang on. In 1973, he's 40. Are you trying to breed a new Kong?

Yeah. Do you not have Kong Kong anymore? Well, I've got him, but then I want to keep breeding more of them, right? Yeah, but so what... Because, like, a Kong and then, like, a gorilla, right? Yes. And we genetically do some biz and- That baby's not going to come out big.

It's not going to be huge. It's going to be bigger than a gorilla. Okay, yes. Kong, the first time we see Kong in Kong Skull Island, like so when like the fellas go in 1973, Kong is 40 years old. Okay. So it's going to take a while. Yes.

I think, is there a scene right at the start? When do gorillas get sexual maturity? It's probably the ones when they get old. Yeah, you don't have to, he doesn't have to be 40 years old. Yeah. He just needs to be able to produce more children. Well, okay. Here's probably also something worth noting.

Kong is 91 when he fights Godzilla. Oh, man. Yeah. Yeah. So if you're trying fights Godzilla. Oh, man. Yeah. Yeah. So if you're trying to get... No, no, no. But if you're trying to get the Kong that almost kills Godzilla... Yeah, good point.

...because you want two of them. Yeah. He was 91 when that happened. Yeah. Yeah. 91 years old. Yeah. So I guess...

Get that monkey cum. Yeah. That's going to take a while. I know. It's not really... It'll be the... It'll be the... It'll be a nail plan.

It'll be the Joel Zammett Foundation that finally produces the inbred Kong warrior. This is for future Godzilla attacks. Yeah. Okay. No, that's fair. That's okay. It's building a shield around the world, except this shield is two gorillas. And a lot of other smaller and medium-sized gorillas.

Because imagine the first generation, and I'm assuming we can't just do one egg, one sperm. We've got to do many eggs. Yeah, we're absolutely going to have to get one that works. The first generation is going to be a bit bigger than your normal gorilla. And then the next generation, maybe we'll do how they fuck up dogs. You know how we do the grandfather grandfather and then like the granddaughter's dog

and they're real inbred and fucked up? But for big. Okay, so you're basically going to get like a big pug gorilla. Yeah. We breed the gorilla for its size, its strength, and its hatred for lizards. It's actually basically going to look like one of those fucked up bulldogs that's all muscle. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. And then in 90 years. Maybe more. Actually, probably longer. Yeah. Maybe about 200, maybe even 300 years. Well, is there anything that speeds up this process?

What if we can breed them, not just for its strength and its size and hatred of lizard, but also for its lifespan? We shorten it so then its gestation period is even smaller and quicker. So you have two Kongs that kill Godzilla and die. Yeah, and we keep

breeding them. Yeah. So basically it's a Kong breeding experiment. What do I want? Program. Yeah. Yeah. So basically it's a Kong breeding experiment. Experiment? What do I want? Program? Yeah. Initiative?

It's something. The Kong initiative. The Kong breeding initiative. Yeah. Where we are taking the genetic material from. What if? Wait. Hang on.

Godzilla. Lady Godzilla or male Godzilla? Lady Godzilla. I know. No. It depends. What? Oh, no. It Lady Godzilla. No, it depends. What? It depends.

It depends. It depends. Wait. Godzilla from the Matthew Broderick film. Here's a little bit. We get one of them baby eggs. We spliced it with gorilla DNA. Kong DNA.

Not just gorilla DNA, the same problem. Kong DNA. Now we've got a mutant Kongzilla. Uh-huh. I'm listening. And then we use that to fight Godzilla. So you're going to use, because in canon, the Godzilla from New York City got

retitled Zilla and does exist alongside other Godzillas. But is small and seen as a joke. That's good. Smaller, because that means it's more on par size-wise with Kong. Just size compatibility is good. Size and genetic gap. It's the same thing.

It's just my own brain. That's why we can have sex with a breed with a six-foot gorilla? A cow? If you put a cow on its hind legs and stood it stood it upright it's gonna go it's gonna be like

ten nine maybe like a sheep then maybe yeah I just mean maybe a bit more

in proportion plus if it's a littler than the bigger Godzilla yeah then this is pretty because it could be quicker and more okay

attack with its monkey paws and its flame breath. Who's funding Joel Zammett's fucking Kongzilla initiative? You know, I got a lot of excess monkeys and a lot of hybrid zillas. I will say that often when science experiments like this are done traditionally within this universe, they go wrong. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Have I made a different national disaster? Yeah, absolutely. Because Mechagodzilla is the villain in Godzilla vs. Kong, and Mechagodzilla goes, if I remember correctly, AWOL. So even if I am throwing lizards and dress up like a big lizard in front of my Kongzilla and other gorillas. You probably don't want to be the thing you're training it to hate. Yeah.

When you let it loose, it just will pick you up and eat you like a fucking. Well, no, because I assume that. When you let it loose, when it breaks loose. No, because I start when they're a baby, so in proportion, I'm bigger than it. And then when it grows, I have to, I guess, a lot of creative paper mache to make myself bigger than it for a while. And then I guess puppetry animatronics so that it hates the lizard. You're going to be the wizard.

Yeah. You're going to be the whiz. Yeah. Because it can't ever see me because else it will, you know, crack me in half and chew my bones. What I need it to do is see a big lizard so that when I unleash this. Will it not attack your big paper mache lizard that you're in? Yeah, because here's the thing.

Well, we put a bit of safety glass in between and I- Oh, I'm sure that'll be enough. No, because we have to maybe tie it up and I get to harass its grapes a bit. And that way it can't do anything. Impotent rage. Yeah, okay. And it wants to eat my face. Not only is coggzilla angry

well like dangerous it's also pissed off yeah okay and then tied it up and what happens if it breaks its restraints or you you said you said flame breath before remember are you tying up flame breath a muzzle okay on it and i have a fire and you breath. A muzzle on it. And I have a fire extinguisher. And you're putting the muzzle on it? Who's putting the muzzle on it? Because he's probably going to hate that person. A dog doesn't like a muzzle on it. We can sedate it first.

And then muzzle it. And then harass. How are we feeding it? What are you feeding it? What are we feeding it? Gorilla eat banana. Lizard eat bug. it. What are you feeding it? What are we feeding it? Gorilla eat banana, lizard eat bug.

What did you want to say before bug or just nothing? Eggs. Yeah. I guess egg then. I mean, lizards do eat eggs, don't they? Yeah, some. Bigger, certain fucked up lizards probably do. Gorilla would eat an egg. Gorilla would eat an egg.

Gorilla would love an egg. I'm not thinking it's Gorilla or nothing, but it's good. Kongzilla's eating nothing but eggs. Protein through the roof. Several Kongzillas as well.

Heart disease? Too many egg- Big cholesterol problems? Yeah. That's sad. Good for Kongzilla. Has a heart attack the moment it attacks Godzilla.

Take the yolk out? The yolk's the- Yeah. I think. High cholesterol. Egg whites. A lot of egg whites. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. Diarrhea. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, all right. Solution for the attacking me problem.

Uh-huh. So initially, when it's a baby or they're babies, then they're not going to be that harmful, so I can kind of harass them. Yeah, yeah. But then when they're older... Slap them around a bit. Yeah. Like with a smaller lizard or something.

Yeah, yeah. But then when they're older. Slap them around a bit. Yeah. Like with a smaller lizard or something. Yeah, yeah. And then when they're a little older, then I maybe just use, say, like a papier-mâché or a puppet thing and they can destroy the shit out of that. Oh, that's good. I mean, and I know that this is a little different, but in real life, say there's a baby gorilla in here. Yeah. And it's like, it comes up to your waist.

Yeah. Yeah. Are you really going to be brave enough to slap it around? Because even a baby gorilla, I'm like, I don't know what you're capable of. I would not slap a baby gorilla. And the baby comes. It'll bite my penis off or something. Or just break your arm, maybe.

Well, what if I wear, okay, it's more of a fat lizard suit now, because I can wear the police dog protection. Oh, okay. Oh, yeah. All right. Just that, but then a lizard suit over the top of that. And then you're just like fighting. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And then, okay. I will also say in the universal referencing, Godzilla's atomic breath seems to come to it in its time of great need. And I feel like if you're- Okay.

Okay. What about this? It has a skull for a head. I'm not saying it's definitely going to happen. I'm just saying there's a big chance. Yeah. Okay okay what about this it has a skull for a head I'm not saying it's definitely gonna happen I'm just saying there's a big chin okay what about this

what about this I prop its eyes up with using toothpicks oh okay and like some like you're doing like a clockwork orange

to the lizard and we just show him like images of lizards being pricks and we're like what do you describe when a lizard's a prick? You know,

jumping around, harassing babies, destroying a city, eating my grapes, stealing eggs, and like we'll put images of a burning building, like a murdering lizard behind it. I think if you show

an ape a video of a building on fire, I don't know if that registers for the ape. The fire, mate. But no heat. Then we put it superimposed like a lizard over the top and then we put the word the lizard did it.

Okay, well can it read English? And then be like, you know, a big lizard, a lizard bat. What tends it to read? It'll be illiterate, of course. Yeah, great. Okay, all right. Maybe I kind of, okay.

Initially, maybe then I'll like have to nurture it and maybe teach it sign language. And then we can be like lizard bat in sign language. Does it know what a lizard is? It's got the images that I'm showing. Of a regular lizard? Of course. Of a regular lizard. Eating your grapes.

Yeah. Like maybe like a lunch I've left out. Did you do that intentionally or are there just lizards in your laboratory? Using the lizards to like slap the Kongzilla. So is this a situation where you were like, these lizards are pricks? Just already. I know how I can use these fucking prick lizards. I'll just put a baby down and have them hassle it

and run around and then show that to Kongzilla. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. And then we put like, you know,

like death metal over the top of it to get it really amped up. Yeah. Alright. Volatile. That's volatile. Okay.

Clockwork Orange him a little. And then what are you Famously, Clockwork Orange makes Alex angry. I think it worked out for him. Yeah. Famously, Clockwork Orange makes Alex angrier. I think it worked out for him, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that definitely makes him angrier and not more placid. Yeah. Wasn't it to make him more placid? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So this way we're doing the opposite.

No, but they're showing him all like they overload him with violence, basically. Yeah. Okay. What if I... Similar. And then they undo it at the end because they're like... You want to condition it. They're showing him all They overload him with violence Basically Yeah Okay what if Similar And then they undo it At the end Because they're like

You want to condition So it's kind of like Leeloo Multipass In Fifth Element Yeah okay Where she Googles war And then she cries

And she gets information about war Okay But for the bad What you basically want to do But the same thing happens In that situation She gets really upset No you just gotta do you just need association.

You just need to have a photo of Godzilla and a sharp stick. You show him Godzilla and stab him. And he learns to associate Godzilla with pain, avoids Godzilla. Or when he sees Godzilla, he's like, I'm getting up and flies down. The opposite? When you show Godzilla, give him egg whites? And then he knows Godzilla means food? But then he was gonna

go up to Godzilla and be like, I want food with my egg whites and then he says So I think you gotta harass him and show that he can defeat. So this is where again those little puppetry things make sense because then yeah, he's destroying Well you gotta destroy your lizard and then get a reward

And so he knows if he destroys Godzilla there's a reward at the end. And then when Godzilla comes around in 200, 300 years and the Joel Zabit Foundation finally releases their Kongzilla Yes. It's a Kongzilla paradise

and it rips Godzilla's throat. I've got a follow-up question. How do you get him back? That was never the goal. Someone else has to come along and create him. That was never the goal of the Joel Zammert Kongzilla initiative. This is very similar to if I was to roll in and be like,

my plan is to drop a bomb on the city. Decimate the whole city. Godzilla, I've successfully protected people by killing them with my bomb. Well, it's less about that, and it's more about how do we deal with the cane beetle problem by cane toads. You need somebody to kill the Kongzilla.

But the cane toads didn't eat the cane beetles, they just ate cats. So, I mean, that's kind of like if you let Kongzilla loose and it just started eating people. Well, yeah. And you're like, oh. So in this, so kind of like that, it would be the Kongzilla would let them loose and he would see Godzilla and probably not fight it and then fight something smaller than it. That'd be easier.

What's smaller than Kongzilla? A cow? Yeah, okay. Human. Human beings. Yeah, yes. And what are buildings full of? Delicious human beings.

Not cows. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they just- So now there's a bit of a team-up happening. Yeah, yeah. Would Kongzilla know that Kongzilla's baby's a bit of a team-up happening. Yeah. Would Godzilla know that Kongzilla's baby's a bit? Probably. Would it care for him?

Or would he kind of hate that the person that did this? Godzilla and Kongzilla declare war on Joel Salmon. The Joel Salmon Foundation's roof is lifted off, peeled back like a fucking tin of salmon, and then they just consume you. So when Godzilla- Suck in like Kirby. Maybe not even just-

This is maybe the whole film. But when Godzilla finds out that they are experimenting on the bones of its good friend- Yeah. How does Godzilla react to that scenario? Godzilla's pretty clever, so I think Godzilla's cut. Yeah, Godzilla does not like that. Yeah, I think Godzilla would be cut again.

Oh, yeah. So in Godzilla v. Kong, when they're doing the experiments in the forest. Why is Godzilla always fighting in this particular place? It's almost like, yeah, because Godzilla attacks the three separate bases. Yeah. Because he knows.

Yeah, because he's like, nah, fuck this. But then it's too late, and then they make Mecha Godzilla who goes rogue, and then him and King Kong team up and go I think Zama fucked up I think Joel Zama

took the same approach that the movies did almost you just recreated a more fucked up convoluted matter that took hundreds of centuries at least I've got

those bigger gorillas running around as a backup you've got the bigger gorillas you've neglected what happened to those? The basements of the Joel Zabin Foundation are

scary. They started eating each other. They've been breeding their floss on their fur. It's no good. They're already inbred to begin with, so I think nothing but fur that's been inbred has happened. There's a door at the back of the facility that just has

a softball sign-up sheet on it. You take that off and it's like inbred gorilla zone. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I forgot to enter gorilla inside. How long has it been? About a hundred years. And no one signed up for fucking softball.

We didn't even realize. Oh, fuck. Imagine just opening the door the sound the cacophony of gorilla sounds it sounds a little bit too much like human speech you just close that and you're like we're gonna build a wall in front of us to build a wall in front of us. Who is there? Who is there? Someone.

Someone. Someone. Oh, no. Pay the toll. Pay the toll. It's lucky our founder has been dead a hundred years. Close the door. Lock it.

Forget about it. How did I do? I would say not well. I would say you accidentally ended up tricking yourself into doing what happens in the movie, but a more fucked up version that has similar consequences for both you and the guys from the movie. Okay. And my beautiful creations that I'm now looking at like they're my children? Because I've become attached.

I don't know if I mentioned this. You should have become attached to the apes. They've gone. They've taken an interesting turn down there. I can be know if I mentioned this. You should have become attached to the apes. They've gone. They've taken an interesting turn down there. I can be attached to all my creations. And I have. Maybe that's one day you just disappeared down into the Kong

dimension. Below your facility. There's rumours that the founder of this, he passed away and he slept. But other rumours that he just descended into the Kong realm. One day he just descended into the Kong realm one day he just went into Kong realm isn't there Kong heaven

in there is Kong heaven there is Kong heaven it's in the ground so he just got to dig it's hollow earth if you keep digging there

and you get the Kong heaven that's interesting here's my plan so one of the ways they tried to catch the Loch Ness Monster was they made

a papier-mâché lady version of the Loch Ness Monster in a hope of seducing it we're two from two on papier-mâché lady version of the Loch Ness Monster in hope of seducing it. We're two from two on papier-mâché being involved. So I'm thinking, well, I don't actually want to use papier-mâché. That's just how they did it. Which is brave by them, because papier-mâché's whole thing

is that it goes really hard when it's dry. So yeah, I think the moment the Loch Ness Monster... The moment they put it in Loch Ness, it just would have become a... Mush. A mush. And they're like, it just would have become a- A mush. Yeah. They're like, it'll fuck the mush. Don't worry.

Look, I thought you were thinking about Nessie. Nessie love mush. Yeah, I think Nessie love mush. Get drunk. Nessie love mush. Don't worry about it. Nessie love mush. You don't know.

So what I'm thinking is Statue of Liberty. Yep. Prime for the carving. So we just carved that to look like a sexy female or Godzilla's a lady, a sexy boy Godzilla. Can you carve a building? It's made of copper. You can carve copper. Out of every building ingredient you could go to. I like the calling of a building ingredient.

That's good, too. Building material. No, no. Building ingredient. It's one of the ingredients. You've chosen copper. It's made of copper. It oxidizes.

That's why it's green. So we carve it to look like a Godzilla. Maybe we've got to add some more. So you're building a building out of copper. No, we're carving the Statue of Liberty to look like a horny, hunked up boy Godzilla. He's got cum-gutters

out the wazoo. Big, erect lizard cock. What does a lizard penis look like? Not good. Imagine a turtle penis. I can't. Red and in two, I think. Isn't a turtle penis where it comes out and it's almost like a shuffle?

Yeah, I think a lizard dick kind of looks like that. We'll vibe it out. So, big erect. Big erect lizard cock. That's the name of B-L- B-E-L-C is our acronym.

That's your company you've made. B-L-I-C-K. B-L-I-C-K-P-T-Y-A-L-C is our acronym. And we just wait. That's your company you've made. B-L-U-C. The B-L-U-C P-T-Y-L-T-D. Hi, B-L-U-C P-T-Y-L-T-D. You need to give us full, uncompromised access to the Statue of Liberty. And we just carve it to look like a sexy boy Godzilla. Godzilla's coming out to see. Oh, who's that she sees?

She goes over, starts copulating with the Statue of Liberty. I haven't got this far in the plane. Yeah, it's cool to look up to see Godzilla sucking off the Statue of Liberty. Godzilla backing it up into the Statue of Liberty. Shoot it out! Shoot it out! Shoot it out! Shoot it with what? I don't know. I just think we get this far. Maybe she'll be so satisfied

She goes back into the sea As asleep Godzilla orgasm So we put in some massive generators Into that big erect lizard box There's a thousand We get a team of soldiers with Hitachi wands On the inside of the Statue of Liberty

All pressing them against the metal to vibrate. What I like about this is that there has to be a lot of R&D into getting off lizards. Where's a lizard's clitoris? It doesn't have one. Does a lizard experience pleasure

by sex in the same manner that we humans? That would be a bad thing to find out as we're watching Godzilla back it up on one of my little scientists tugged on my shirt. Jackson, you've been ignoring me for months. But lizards do not experience pleasure. That can't be true. The whole thing about pigs have a 30-minute orgasm. And you're like, yeah, Godzilla's have three day long.

Oh, no. Well, I mean, Godzilla would probably wouldn't be super angry afterwards, right? Yeah, that's true. It might calm them down and then they just either lie down in the bay. Have a snooze. It has a sleep. We attach a bunch of boats. We tow her out to sea.

Because Godzilla, they tend to sleep a lot. Yeah. They tend to just go to the bottom of the ocean and have a nap. And that seems to be, for me at least, watching this, that seems to be like a natural state of Godzilla is sleepiness. So this might be a good plan. Get him worked up. Yeah. Have a cum.

Exactly. Have a snooze. So, yeah. Godzilla goes to sleep we gotta make an industrial grade lizard cigarette so Godzilla goes to sleep

which is how a Godzilla movie usually ends or starts we're just getting there early before the city gets wrecked

is ideally the point yeah I mean it's actually but it's wrecked well it depends we can take off the penis or whatever and chop it up and recycle it. You want to use it more because what if it wakes up? What if she comes back?

Well, we just have it in a shed somewhere. She keeps coming back. Well, yeah, that's the thing. She might. We've given Godzilla a sex toy accidentally. Well, not accidentally. Deliberately. And we kind of have to keep the Godzilla dildo On the Statue of Liberty

Because if it's not there When she returns She'll be stroppy Yeah And then she'll attack the city And then she'll like Bat the you know Godzilla

I mean the Statue of Liberty Mmm Didn't think of this Consequence Yeah Well And there's a lot

That we've had to give you Because like Lizards don't fuck for pleasure Yeah But Godzilla might Godzilla might Godzilla's clever Godzilla's a titan we've had to give you because lizards don't fuck for pleasure. Yeah. But Godzilla might. Godzilla might. Godzilla's clever. Godzilla's a titan, yeah.

God's fucked for pleasure. Yeah, yeah. Do we think it's so bad to just every now and then, every three months, Godzilla comes and fucks the Statue of Liberty? I think I'd go probably see the Statue of Liberty more now. Because I'd be like, it's weird and interesting, but I'm going to see Godzilla get a rock sock. Yeah.

Yeah. But I've never actually witnessed that. Maybe, in fact, this would be great for tourism to the city of New York. Hey, come watch Godzilla fuck over here. We're going for three things. Godzilla getting a rocks off pizza and Statue of Liberty once. Not so much anymore. Empire State Building,

New York style pizza, our angry taxis, and Godzilla getting her rocks off. Good for her. That'd be the slogan you get in a t-shirt. We have the city of New York,

good for her. I'm with her in brackets fucking the Statue of Liberty. Yeah. Yeah. They do? I just gotta head to sanspantsradio.com slash shop click on downloads and peruse all the garbage they have on offer and then give them nothing? Well, dreams can come true.

Thanks sanspantsradio.com slash shop for letting me take advantage of you and not setting a minimum spend. You dumb fucks. Have you, well, you've been around like a terrarium before. Sure. That sort of like reptile smell.

But in Jackson's defense. Uh-huh. I like to hear this. The Statue of Liberty is. It's a little bit out to sea. You couldn't go to Ellis Island anymore. And it might kind of ruin some of the historical significance of Hell's Island. Would the French be mad?

That's not what we give you that for. Yeah, they might be caught. That's fair. What do they say when they're upset? Mon Dieu! What are the Americans doing with the Statue of Liberty? We just don't tell them. No one tell the French

what we did with their presents. I like that this is going to get so out of hand, because Godzilla maybe gets bored of fucking the Statue of Liberty, so then moves further in. So you're like, all right, we've got to make the Statue of Liberty into a handsome lizard she can fuck. Or we have to move the handsome lizard statue around. Or we have to make maybe different, maybe Godzilla.

I don't know if Godzilla is a one Godzilla lady. Maybe Godzilla likes to have, you know, a fowler in every port. I think we're in a dangerous situation. Maybe we have to have, like, a sea defense of a lot of horny-looking statues. Yeah, I might accidentally turn New York into a sort of sexual playground for Godzilla. Well, not just New York. We have to, like, well, We have to like because not Nessie but Zilla

she travel. We're going to have to have a lot of coastal towns just like horned up Godzilla statues. This is the price you pay. That's what I will say.

You can make a pretty penny. I'm getting rich off this. What happens when Gamora comes? What is Gamora? Is that the one with two. What happens when Gamora comes? What is Gamora? Is that the one with two heads or whatever? Gamora? Oh, wait, are you saying King Ghidorah? King Ghidorah.

Well, I was only saying... Is that a guardian of a galaxy? What is she called? Well, she's her own problem. She can buy a dildo. She doesn't have to come to me. Yeah, what if I... King Ghidorah?

Yeah, King Ghidorah. Well, and the other one, the Moth Lady. Mothra? I don't know how to get a moth off. But that's what the... Foundation is dedicated to, I guess. The what foundation? Whatever our acronym was.

Big erect lizard dick. Cock. Yeah. Belk. The erect lizard dick. Cock. Yeah. Belk. The Belk Foundation. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So we, I mean, we've just become, that's what our R&D is on.

Like what gets off a moth? And how can we apply that to a moth titan? Yeah, and what buildings, say we find out like, say a Sibian is the ideal sex toy for a moth. Chuck it on top of the... Well, we got to look at all the buildings in New York and be like, which one most resembles a Sibian? Well, you've got to also...

Well, it attracts moths. Lights. Oh, yeah. So you've got to have a bright, big Sibian. Okay. The BBS. It's a subsidiary. So it's the BBS initiative.

Yeah. So maybe if there's kind of like a domed or a curved, say, train station, we just make the roof of it vibrate and Mothra just lands on top. Everybody's doing the daily commute here. There's a lot of dogs. Go! Go! Go! Oh, it's Mothra season.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I was down at fucking. Down at the bay or whatever. Yeah. Godzilla's here too. Go! Go! She was backing up like crazy. The shock never wears off. The Gherkin in London, they hired the same architect

to do the same thing in New York. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All these titans are just converging on New York. Poor New York. Well, I think it was the Statue of Liberty that did it. Godzilla got the word out. New York is one of those cities you can full on fuck. Guys, now we keep destroying cities.

I found a new thing we can do with the cities. Yeah, it's like, yeah, it's a Maslow's hierarchy, but for Zillas, it's fuck it. Yeah, we make one of the train tunnels. King Kong can go just fuck the shit out of that. Otherwise it's just, you know, no trains are going through it anymore. There's a train the size of King Kong's dick.

You're making a kusi. Yeah. They're now arriving at kusi station. You kind of have to then, not Papa Maché, as you so eloquently put it. We had to get a lot of latex. We had to get a lot of designing that,

so it looks like the entryway to the subway is just like a lady con presenting itself. Yeah, it's livability in New York has gone down. It's not gone down, it's just gotten interesting. If you found out that they were installing four giant sex toys near your house, for me, that's like Christmas. Just a lot of explaining

to do. I think the fact of seeing... It's cool to have an adult-only train line. Yeah. To have a train line that goes into a gorilla's vagina yeah yeah that's intense but i'm like that's pretty fun you're like that's intense but it's the price we pay it's funny but then when kong is there fucking it that really you're like maybe i'll stop taking the train at the work yeah like the line gets closed for that day yeah

but even then i think you see that, and that really takes... Seeing a giant conk cock just thrusting into... But even just like if you see... Imagine being caught in that. Oh, no. But even like seeing Godzilla back it up, you're like, oh, it's funny the Statue of Liberty has a huge lizard dick, but then you see Godzilla fuck, you're like,

okay, this got too real now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it's funny until the actual intended function. Sash Liberty, you can see it from New York, yeah? Yeah, absolutely. You can see it from the Bay.

You could easily watch this, and no one's having a good time. Or the people that are... The freaks! Maybe New York just becomes a city for freaks! Yeah, huge news for bad Dragon fans. Yeah, true. True, true, true. It's like, what if we put a big curtain around it?

Pervert City USA is what the new name for New York City is. Yeah, maybe we should make a pervert city. Yeah, where if you don't like it, leave. Yeah. That becomes New York's new slogan. If you don't like it, fuck off. I mean, there is a yes. You could take this rather aggressive manner.

They could be like, well, they're doing... Hate the fucking fuck off. They could... Hate the fucking fuck off. If you don't like it, do it. Fuck you okay Like they're on the front line here Because they're protecting the rest of the world

You might look down on this Like gorilla cum smelling town Of ours But you know what we're doing We're stopping your town from getting wrecked I would be scared Because I'd want to move solely For the fact that

It's attracting all of the titans But I'd be scared because I'd want to move solely for the fact that it's attracting all of the Titans. But I'd be scared someone would be like, wow, he's a prude. He hates all the fuck. I'm like, no, I just don't like. I just don't like it because what if one day the gorilla pussy doesn't work or whatever. If I was like a mayor of New York, I would be demanding reparations from the rest of the world. Every time King Kong shoots hot ropes into our subway system, that's a time he's not the world. Yeah. Because we're protecting. Every time King Kong shoots hot ropes into our subway system, that's a time he's not destroying Japan.

Yeah. So you've got to thank us. But monetary will be nice. Yeah. This is a racket of the world. You're shaking them down. Yeah, it's sort of a security game. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, I think it works. I think it works pretty well. Yeah. You've got to think of, like, two things that, think of two things that these creatures, these titans want. And one of them is clearly destruction. Sometimes, well, fucking. If we make fucking their highest priority, every building is a world of pleasure. I think if you could service these titans, what else do they eat?

Well, here's what probably happens in pervert town USA where there's a big sign before well you just reminate on that so yeah pervert town USA town sign it's like welcome to

pervert town USA billboard with Jackson standing with his arms crossed in it and it just says hate fucking then fuck off yeah

don't like it go away yeah I feel like that if you have a town of mostly fucking for like like, the monsters, it's going to get to a point where people are like, can you install things for us to fuck too? Well, one of my...

Yeah, subsidiaries, sure. So just, like, dildos and stuff. Apartment wall. Just, yeah, like suction cup dildos, but maybe just, you know, like outside and stuff to a wall. Well, if you're living in a city where, but maybe just, you know, like outside and stuff to Well, if you're living in a city where you're like the intended function of the whole city. It's pervert town USA. I know it's a pervert town, but I mean, like, yes, there probably are some perverts that

would like that. But what about just one installed in every house and apartment? Yeah. A glory hole. You know how we have like the MBN rollout where every house is meant to happen? Same thing. It's the fuck toy rollout where every house is meant to happen same thing it's the fuck toy rollout I can't

this is a funny image but I can't stop thinking about it now just imagine having a house that just had like a built in flashlight yeah

so there's just like a pussy or anus or just generic hole or a mouth or a mouth just in the wall in your bathroom

and you just fuck your wall and it's kind of like you know sometimes you're like oh like, oh, I'm horny, I might masturbate. It's like going for a piss. Yeah. You just go to the bathroom, fuck your wall. Is there something we can do? And I hate to go here, but I feel like it's inevitable with all of the excess cum.

Well, that's where the Joel Tamnett Foundation comes in. Why do you want human jizz? Oh, the human jizz. I thought we were doing the Kong jizz. If every single person that can jizz is fucking a built-in flashlight in the wall in their bathroom, that jizz has to go somewhere.

Can we recycle it? Can we have a greywater situation? What do you mean greywater? I'm assuming you'd have this set up that you attach it to the plumbing, so it just goes into the sewage. Yeah, okay, I suppose. Kind of like what happens nowadays if you jerk off into the bowl.

Yeah. I suppose. Yeah, okay, fair enough. I just thought maybe you saw a crisis, I saw an opportunity. Well, what can you do? Where does the gum go? That's your new slogan. Well, what can you do with a lot of human jizz?

Jackson? This is a crazy question. Is cum good for plants? Surely if you jizz on a plant, it makes the plant healthy. Surely. It just seems like something that- Nitrate? Is it nitrate and jizz?

Oh, you know why I probably think that? In my brain, I'm like, cum must be good for plants because fertilizer is good for plants and fertilizer is shit. Cum's better than shit. I'm not for a plant though. Well, maybe not. We don't know. We've never had this much industrial.

We've never had this much cum. Imagine what the city would smell like. Fertilizer's bad enough, but if everyone's just walking around watering their plants with cum. Like the cum trees in this beautiful town of ours. Yeah. That mixed with whatever the Titans are doing. Whatever the moth pussy smells like.

Yeah. Not good. So the problem here, though, I was thinking, in Kong versus Godzilla, there is The big problem Of like well Territorial Mmm

What if You know King Ghidorah Ghidorah I keep saying Gamera But that's wrong King Ghidorah

Is like Well I wanna fuck The Statue of Liberty Mmm And then like Then they fight over it Zilli's already backing up And she's like

Come at me Fucko And then they fight Yeah I've basically Because the thing with up, and she's like, come at me, fucko. And then they fight. Yeah, basically because the thing with Titans. And they're horny. Yeah, is that there's only one Titan, right? Like, there's only one Godzilla. Yeah.

But there used to be more Godzillas. Am I correct in this? No. Oh, okay. No, just Kongs. Okay, it was just Kongs. Yeah. Well, I mean, like, it is confusing because, like, we've spoken about Zilla, but that's

like a different universe. There's a few different Zillies. Well, I was just wondering if it's a- And Zilly did lay egg. Yeah. Do they- Oh, wait, no. There is more than one Zilly because the bones of a Zilla make a Mechazilla.

Yeah. Oh, isn't that- So there must have been in the past. These are just like the survivors. Yeah. But the problem there is that where most of the fighting happens in the animal kingdom is over potential mates. So if I've made, if I've positioned

the statue of Fockety we changed the name. If I've positioned that as something to fight over it, then yeah, I've just I've invited a lot of monster fights. Another problem of like the Hollow Earth, right? With Skull Island, that's like direct access to the Hollow Earth. What you're really not wanting to do is attract more Titans that are coming out of Hollow Earth to, you know, into pervert USA.

So you've made another problem. For a while, I think you've done the solution. For a while, it's paradise. Mechagodzilla is built from not a Godzilla, but from King Ghidorah's head that gets torn off in the previous movie. So really, it's actually Mechagodzilla.

Yeah, it's barely Godzilla at all. Yeah. Yeah. It's modeled off Godzilla. I think you're right. There is only one. The problem is,

yeah, I'm attracting every Titan in the Hollow Earth because they know you want to get off Pali? Yeah. This is the place to do it. Then they fight over your Pervitown, USA becomes fucking Rumble City.

Yeah. It's cool that the city would kind of look like if you just got a bunch of suction cup dildos and stuck them on the floor. That would be the skyline. It would look like suction cup. It would, yeah, like sex toys. All these Titans are backing it up.

It would be that, but like. That All these times of backing it up. What? He's trying to hear a friend. We should move! What? We should move! Where to? Queens? No.

I don't want to be that close. Anyway, I got to take the train to Kong Pussy Station. If you're heading that way. I'm going to go fuck my wall. Okay, yeah, tight. Where does the Kong go? I'm going to go water the plants. This might be the worst city in the world.

Yeah, I'm thinking that. I'm thinking that. But it's unique. Yeah, there's nowhere'm thinking that. I'm thinking that. But it's unique. Yeah, there's nowhere else like it. Only in New York. Unique New York. Unique New York. Hey, okay.

Time to drive a train and do a gorilla pussy. I love my life. I'm fucking here. It's a cool place to be it's not bad it's not bad it's fine you do stop Godzilla but it's the ramifications

yeah exactly Godzilla's stopped but at what cost yeah well my plan pretty simple in Godzilla King of the Monsters

Godzilla's dying yeah and then Mothra saves Godzilla I shoot Mothra with I guess a big gun oh okay it's a big moth gun yeah I turn on a big moth Mothra saves Godzilla I just shoot Mothra with I guess a big gun oh okay

it's a big moth gun yeah big I turn on a big moth Mothra flies into it gets zapped Godzilla then dies it's always daytime call it

call it a day get that BBS Mothra flies into that Godzilla dying because Mothra's getting off yeah call it a day well the thing is

you gotta do that at like a very opportune moment yeah you gotta do that we call it a day no we call it a day. Well, the thing is, you've got to do that at a very opportune moment. You've got to do that like- I'm just going to call it a day. No, we call it a day. Because you've got to do that as Mechagodzilla lays his fist into- No, not Mechagodzilla.

At that point, it's Ghidorah. Yeah, that's true. You're doing King of Monsters. This is when you're King of Monsters. Yeah, I've pre-konged it. So you basically- Maybe, do you know about Mothra? Well, I'm assuming that fight's happening and I have the knowledge

that Mothra for some reason has the ability to bless Godzilla with more life as Mothra dies but if Mothra dies not on top of Godzilla Yeah, you're good. Ghidorah kill Yeah, bud. If you go back to the question So

as I mentioned before, when you were mocking me by saying I was going to save this town by dropping a bomb on it so everyone dies but I stopped Godzilla from killing you. You're like, well Godzilla didn't kill you. And Godzilla's dead.

And Godzilla is dead but King Ghidorah is. But Ghidorah might... Well, go? Just go? Because Ghidorah wants to be king ofah might... Well, go. Just go. Because Ghidorah wants to be king of the titans. Yeah, but also doesn't want to destroy. But if it becomes king of the titans by killing Godzilla, it might just leave us alone because we ain't titans.

What does Ghidorah want? Bit of a gamble. You're gambling the lives of humanity on your big, either moth Sibian or moth light or moth gun. It's just quite a gamble. That's all I'm thinking. For the people of the world. For our lives. Yeah. To know what was in your

hands in this situation would be worrying for me. I would find it worrisome. I guess now we all kind of I guess pray to our new god. Yeah. King Gamora. Yeah. Gadora.

Gadora. Why is this not sinking in? I don't know. I don't know. I'm going to go to the celestial place of nowhere and try and find my, I assume, god queen. Yeah, yeah. Zama's going into space to find Gamora.

To bow down before her and'd be like i think you are did you just destroy new york or what i have a strong affinity for you so uh if uh is this good okay yeah so what's it what's it go okay so what's up so king gador is everything okay it's a rival apex predator to Godzilla, who originated from another world. So from space, whatever. Don't worry, buddy. And unlike Godzilla, he is actively hostile towards humanity,

while threatening to destroy Earth's natural order. It is briefly speculated in the film that Ghidorah's motive for attempting to inflict an extinction event on Earth's ecosphere might be terraforming the planet into a more ideal environment for itself. But the novelization expands on this saying, Ghidorah is just motivated by hatred of every living thing that isn't him. So you did it.

I did it. I dropped the bomb on New York City. I saved the day. I turned to you as the world ends and I say, at least we're protected from Godzilla. Job well done. As I am annihilated. Obliterated.

Oh, no. My Kong realm. Oh, perfect. Our USA. We did it. Mission accomplished. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've also been Joel. Yeah, turns out a problem like Godzilla hard to deal with. Yeah, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson.

And I've also been Joel. Yeah, turns out a problem like Godzilla hard to deal with. Yeah, a tough one. Yeah. Real head scratcher.

It's crazy I came the closest. Yeah, that is fucked up. That's really, never again. It's a bit scary.