Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Stop Jolene From Stealing Your Man? with Dave Warneke

Episode Date: November 7, 2021

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Ahem. You're listening to the Sands Pants Network. Home of comedy, culture, adventures, and ghosts. Hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star. I'm Joel. I'm Jackson. And today we are joined by the effervescent Dave Warnicke. Good to be here and effervesce with you.

That's it. Thank you, thank you. Where we ask the important questions like, How'd you stop jolene from she's a tricky one. Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene. I'm begging of you. Please don't take my man. Jolene, for real. Have you ever heard the name Jolene outside of this song?

Is that a name? I mean, like, I have been called Jolene since the dawn of time by people that are familiar with the song. Okay. See, this song is a curse for you. Yeah. Yeah, but it's also an absolute cracker of a song, so. It's good to sing Jolene just with Joel.

Joel. Joel. Joel. Joel! So, alright. Right, I'm censoring the N. Like, that's offensive in some language. Joel-be. Joel-be. Joel. Joel. Joel. Joel. Joel. So, alright He's almost censoring the in Like that's offensive in some language Jolt, jolt, jolt Jolt, jolt, jolt

Jolt, jolt, jolt Well it's funny because of the Jolene The last one where she goes up on the in part It's just jolt So, yes We get the lyrics for Jolene up right in front of us This is going to be X point plan

X being a number when we figure out how many points it actually is being a number between one and ten probably to be honest yeah makes sense where we go through the lyrics of this song and we help you the listener yeah stop joeline from stealing or taking your man yeah so because dolly here bless her soul her main strategy is begging. Not a strong start. Not great, okay? If somebody's stealing your partner and you're like, please don't.

And you're begging the new person. I mean, you're not even talking to your partner. Please, I know there's nothing. You're really hot. Please stop it. Imagine you're at a bar or something. You're with your partner. And you can see bar or something you're with your partner and you're like you can see this person

is just like flirting with your partner these situations happen where no one is in the wrong usually the person initiating it if you're gonna blame

someone it's them of course especially if they know if they know then yes there is someone in the wrong but if it's an innocent situation whatever

but if Jolene in this situation seems to know yeah but what if we create a bar that bans hot people? Oh, okay. You could go in there, you could feel comfortable. Yeah. Well, no, because if I

go into a bar that bans hot people, I, therefore... I'm afraid you're going to have to ask yourself some hard questions. Obviously, I can't come in. You're like, yeah, of course, please, step aside. But obviously Not me Right

When does the Banning start They're like Oh no We've already vetted We've kicked out All the hot people But I got through

I'm inside Yes you are Yeah Enjoy your night sir Oh crap This place is rude And polite It's like

That reverse elite Dating app Where like You know You put your face in And ten people say Yes or no Yeah

Anyone who says yes to Can't come into my bar yeah so whatever how does it feel who's excluded now uh but yeah you're right in that situation if if jolene was flirting with your your man and you just leaned you were please jolly hey hey jolene yeah that's my could you please not like that sucks that's not you to think of a better strategy, okay? And going straight to begging. Exactly. And then describing how hot the person is. Yeah. So I think that this song, because it does open with the chorus.

Yeah, of course. I don't think that's the first thing that happens. But also, this is clearly a situation that has been unfolding for quite a while. Because, okay, like you just pointed out, Jackson, Dolly begs and then describes how hot Jolene is. Jolene's beauty is beyond compare. She has flaming locks of auburn hair, ivory skin and eyes of emerald green,

smile is like a breath of spring, your voice is soft like summer rain, and I cannot compete with you, Jolene. So, okay, already being like, you're way hotter than me. Dolly, you're a babe. Yeah, Dolly, come on, talk yourself out of it're way hotter than me. Dolly, you're a babe. Yeah, Dolly, come on, talk yourself out of it. If this song is to be believed, Jolene could potentially be the hottest person. Yeah, honestly, if that's the scale.

Yeah. She's off the chart. In that case, it's kind of where someone's so hot, you're like, take my partner. Yeah. Unfortunately, for the beautification of the human race. You're too good for my partner. Way too good. This is one of those situations, a rare situation where life has just cocked you.

Exactly. Where there's just no other option. Also, it's an act of God cocking. Is Jolyon giving anyone else like beautiful Irish lass vibes? Like flaming locks of auburn hair, emerald green eyes, breath of spring. I don't know. Yeah, that's fair. I think that's not an unreasonable description.

So what does that mean, your smile is like a breath of spring? A good breath. Yeah. Oh. Okay, someone's had a mint. Yeah. Or like that, but also maybe just like the, because you know like how when you get that transition between winter and spring where like you go outside one day and you just kind

of get hit with like some warm thing, like, oh. Yeah, day and you just kind of get hit with, like, some warm thing. Like, ooh. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, true. So maybe the smile just, like, warms you from the inside. She's got a hot breath. Yeah. Hot breath.

Hot milk breath. Also, your voice is soft like summer rain. I mean, is she a low talker? Yeah. Low talker with hot milk breath. What are you saying, Jolie? Can you speak up? Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Summer rain? Something that pisses me off. Something unplanned for, uncalled for. So Jolene is a babe, but has problems. We found out, has issues. Yeah. I'm going to take your man. Oh, your breath smells like hot milk.

And I can't hear what you're saying. I didn't have no idea. I'm going to take your man. My name is Jolene. But. Yes. The next verse. This is where alarm bells ring a ding ding.

Absolutely. Okay. He talks about you in his sleep, Jolly. He's falling asleep at the bar. And he's talking about... Jolly, Jolly, Jolly. Oh, yeah, Jolly. Oh, Jolly.

Sorry? And there's nothing I can do to keep from crying when he calls your name, Jolly. So it sounds more like he's like, Jolly, Jolly. Jolly! Like he's screaming for her in the night. Jolene! Jolene! Wake up, honey, wake up! No, because Dolly's...

There's nothing I can do from crying when he calls your name. Yeah, but if he's calling you... In his sleep. Jolene! Jolene! Honey, why are you crying? You were calling for Jolene again. Is there a... I mean, we obviously don't know the tone of the calling,

but is it possible that Jolene is haunting him? Jolene! Please! Be gone, spirit! She's just hearing, please, please, Jolene. Oh, my God. But really, in the dream, he's like, oh, my God, this wicked woman is really...

Yeah, Jolene. She's pulling my toes off. This is awful. Jesus Christ, Dave. This is a big, big, big reading of the lyrics. Jolene is a ghost. And by taking the man, taking the man to hell. Oh, my God.

How ivory is the skin? Is it see-through? Is she a ghost? Flaming locks of auburn hair on fire. Oh, my goodness. That's some Ghost Rider shit. Ivory skin. Pale.

Very pale. Like, ridiculously pale. Emerald green. Just eyes. Summer rain. Literally ridiculously pale. Emerald green. Just eyes. Summer rain. Literally opens the mouth and you see... Hot breath. Hot milk breath.

Yeah. I could imagine a ghost would die. That's some sort of demonoid creature. If you drink milk before you die, you get hot milk breath as a ghost. I reckon just being a corpse probably gives you hot milk breath. Where's the milk coming from? No, but just like, I don't know, general rot. I think milk and rot are...

No, but milk curdles and it stinks. No, that's true. No, feck off. Feck off. No, you've sold me on it. I've got my receipts. They call her the milk maid. Yeah, she's coming for you. Terrifying. I cannot compete with you. Well, I guess against a ghost, you can't compete. Talks about you in his sleep.

Nothing I can do. Keep crying when he calls your name. Jolene. Yeah, because that means that she's ghosting Or whatever I can easily understand how you can easily take my man Ghosts have powers beyond our means Yeah yeah yeah Please When she's saying I'm begging you

Is she like on her hands and knees Like with a crucifix or something? Yeah is it like a full on Like a prey? You can have your choice of men But I could never love again He's the only one for me Jolene That's a trickier one

Is she talking to a succubus? Yeah. You're really horny. I get it. I am just a mere mortal. You could bone any Tom, Dick, or Harry. Yeah, go bone the Prince of England. Go bop the Prince. You gotta bop some fella, bop him.

He's royalty. I want some jewels or whatever. I had to have this talk with you. My happiness depends on you. And whatever you decide to do, Jolene. Praying. I had to have this talk with you. Do you think that she's called her up and said, hey, we need to have a word.

Like, let's get a coffee or something. Well, that's what it seems like. Yeah, that seems to kind of inform the context of the whole conversation. Yeah, and Jolene is like, this is weird. I barely know this woman. Why are we meeting up? Yeah. This is, okay.

So ignoring the fact that maybe Jolene is a ghost. Theory number two. Let's put a little pin in that. Okay. That would be, so theory one is a ghost. Honestly, I think open and shut. But I'm willing to hear. Let's just hear other options.

If theory two, which is on the pinball. You can hear it. Theory two, if this is what's actually happening and Jolene is just a flirty lady. Yeah. Dolly, this is fucked up. Imagine getting like, because like, you don't know. If someone called me up to have a discussion with me about me flirting with their girlfriend or boyfriend, I be like well like this sounds a lot like one either not my problem or two a self-confidence issue for three or three if i was and it was intentional this is full-on too far yeah but what do you think it's gonna happen um yeah i'm real sorry that i was being a piece of shit and aware of it yeah yeah but like even if you if like sure enough like fair enough if somebody say i flirt with

somebody's partner yeah but i don't that's where i have a partner obviously it's bad you're ruining many lives okay i'm going full horn dog mode and i'm flirting with somebody's partner yeah but i don't know that they're their partner, right? Which Jolie might not. And they call me up and they're like, hey, actually, the other day that was my partner. That's fair enough. I can be like, oh, I'm sorry. Where did Dolly get the number from?

Well, maybe she knows. Yeah. It just implies this weird ownership. You were talking to my partner. Yeah, true. If it wasn't for the... It's almost like Dolly went back and she's like, I got to put something that makes this way more serious.

Okay, he's calling out her name. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In his sleep. You can't control your dreams. Yeah, yeah. Maybe he's, yeah, we don't know. We don't have the context there. Jackson, you've probably yelled out Scooby-Dooby-Doo in your sleep before.

Like Scooby-Doo. Scooby-Dooby-Doo! Hello, Shaggy? Scooby, we need to have a talk. Jackson's calling your name out in his sleep. Also, that's not Jolene's problem. Scooby-Doo, you could have your choice of man. Okay.

But I can never love a guy. But maybe this is also just a plan, like, because if I had flirted with someone and then maybe I was interested, I didn't know they had a partner or whatever, I get a call up from their partner saying, yeah, well, he's been saying your name in his sleep a lot. That would put me off.

I'd be like, that's a bit weird. I'm coming on a bit strong. No, but like, like okay if someone's saying i'm flirting with someone i know they're in a relationship their part and for some reason again i've gone you've gone full sleeves back i've gone full jackson i'm like yeah yeah i'm horny and and willing to ruin lives for this their partner calls me up and is like please they're saying your name in their sleep. I'm like, I am so in here.

Yeah, I know. You'd be like, I'm going to do the opposite. Sounds like you already lost, buddy. Suck shit? Yeah, too bad. Sorry. Nothing I can do about it. Which I guess is where the desperation in Dolly's voice comes from.

She knows she's lost. Are you begging over the phone? That sucks. Oh, that's bad. First of all, one, that sucks. Two, not your property. Three, suck shit. Yeah. Bye. Beep, beep, beep. You hang all, one, that sucks. Two, not your property. Three, suck shit. Yeah. Bye.

Beep, beep, beep. You hang up. Well, okay. So here's the first beginning of my plan for stopping Joel. Okay, yeah. Because we now know that, okay, so Jolene, pretty powerful, but also maybe just a regular person. Unless a ghost.

Yeah. Okay. Which does, again, very, very easily could be a succubus. Yeah. So I'm thinking- Bop the Queen, the Prince of England. Yeah, bop him. Not easily could be a succubus. Yeah. So I'm thinking- Bop the Queen, the Prince of England. Yeah, bop him, not my man. Haunt the jewels.

If we can stop our man talking about Jolene in his sleep, that's at least one problem solved. So maybe we- I don't know how you mute someone in their sleep. Fill his mouth with the socks or something. Gag him. Gag him. Hey, you've just been talking a lot. Maybe we can... Talking a lot of shit in your sleep,

so I'm just going to take care of this problem for you. Hey, you've been talking a lot of shit in your sleep. A lot of yammering, a lot of shit. Zip it the fuck up, alright? I'm taping socks in your mouth. Or maybe we can tell a man that he's got, like, sleep apnea. So he has to wear a sleep apnea machine. I love it.

And then he's breathing better. Can we not have to hear him yammer? If you hear Jolene, you probably just hear, Kroo. Kroo. Ah, he's saying Kroo. He's saying goodnight, I think. The Darthroon. Ah, he's saying Kroon. He's saying goodnight, I think.

The Darth Vader voice. We put a Darth Vader mask on him. Then I get to feel like I'm fucking Darth Vader, which is awesome. That's dope. That felt more powerful. He's the leader of the galaxy. So if I'm fucking him,

imagine what that does for me. Well, I guess he's not actually the leader of the galaxy because that's the emperor but he's second in charge. But I'm also fucking the emperor. Okay, we got two Mars. Why did you call me again? Just to say I'm not scared of you anymore, Johnny. Just to let you know, whatever. I guess you've heard

I'm fucking Darth Vader and the emperor. Okay, well, good because I was flirting with your husband. Well, he is Darth Vader and the Emperor yeah okay well good because I was flirting with your husband well he is Darth Vader so I'm fucking him if you're flirting with Darth Vader I'm fucking Darth Vader I win

but I also know you're fucking I think I knew that he was your partner like I'm still at square one it's just that you sound fucked now you sound like you're really in trouble I'm worried about you I'm not going to stop but I think you should get some help.

And I think that the end of this relationship will benefit you. And is inevitable. Me or otherwise. So, yeah. Or, like, because if we can get him to stop crying even Jolene's name. If we can change the name somehow. Nolene, for example. If we can convince ourselves he's saying Nolene, for example. If we can convince ourselves

he's saying Nolene. Okay, so we just need two or three sleepless nights, but we stay up all night. Nolene. Nolene. And he's like, hey, was that lady we met at the pub, was her name Jolene or Nolene? What, Jolene? Is that even a name?

Jolene? Jol's a name. Nolene, though. Now, that's a name. Am I? Jolene. Jol's a name. Jolene. No, that's a name. Am I not thinking of Noel? That's a name. They're both names. Everything can be a name. Every time I hear this song, I can't help but remember that we did a podcast on Do Go On

about the life of Dolly Parton. And we discovered that her husband's name, who she's been married to for decades, is Carl Dean. And it just rhymes perfectly. Holy shit. Carl Dean. Carl Dean. That's great.

I hear it every time. It's like, did she just change it? Is that intentional? Did she change it to Jolene to sort of change it? Just side note on Dolly. She wrote nine to five and was it this? She wrote two of her biggest songs in a week. Oh, yeah.

Maybe I'll Always Love You. Yeah. Yeah. You? Yeah. That's fucked up. That's crazy, what an output. Your name's Dolly first of all, which is also dope. Yeah. Is that her real name? Good question. Do Go On. Mr. Do Go On. I only remember her husband's name. Dave from Do Go On.

I'm more a Carl Dean fan. Let me find out what Carl Dean's wife's name is. And while Dave looks at that I recommend heading over to iTunes Or whatever podcast platform you're using And searching DoGoOn and hitting that subscribe button Oh yes, thank you so much Born Dolly Rebecca Partmore

Oh that is dope That's sick as hell She had multiple siblings too and she's helped them all out And she's the only one that survived Fourth of twelve children Jesus Christ. And number four too. You don't expect much out of number four.

And they were born in a one room cabin on the banks of Little Pigeon River in Tennessee. That is the most dolly pot and shit in the world. What an absolute legend. But yeah, Carl Dean. Married in 1966. Okay. Carl Dean. Carl Dean. Carl Dean, Carl Dean.

1966. Carl Dean, Carl Dean. And Jolene came out in... Not coming up on my phone, so don't worry about it. Now here's a quick word from our sponsor. This is a terrible idea. Why have I done this? We're Scaredy Boys.

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Available at stancepantsradio.com, Acast, and anywhere you listen to podcasts. I'm not getting fingered by any ghosts. Okay. Can we change the beauty of Jolene? Make her less appealing to our man. Put a sack on her. Put her in a sack. Convin...

Oh, no. No, no, no. You don't even... Because you involve Jolene, then Jolene... Like, we can't control Jolene. That's true. We can't. We're not powerful enough.

Because, I mean, if Dolly can't control Jolene... What chance do we have? Neither can the Plumbing Boys featuring Dave Warnicke. Yeah. We're fucked. Yeah, I'm not taking Dolly can't control Jolene, neither can the plumbing boys featuring Dave Warnicke. Yeah. We're fucked. Yeah, I'm not taking on a succubus. Yeah, you know. But we can affect our man's eyesight.

Honey, I think you might need glasses. Slip the, I was going to say orthodontist. No, that's teeth. Optometrist. We get a really touchy orthodontist. He goes, yeah, I can do glasses. I'll get a shot. Slip him a 50 on the table and he's like, ugh.

Teeth are going to need some glasses. Well, we made our husband. Actually, that's what we did. We said, make our husband hideous. Yeah, make him. No one would want him. No one wants a man Who's got teeth

And glasses That's fucked up That's also funny to me That's one of the most Fucked up things I've ever seen Also having glasses in your mouth It might be hard to yell out Jolie

He's so scared I'm so sorry What was that? What's that honey? Darling Oh these damn glasses In my mouth Yeah but you can breathe

So much clearer Yeah It's also I thought you were going to be like Sli my 50, get up to take Asmund's eyes out. How much could that possibly cost? Well, 50 bucks seems like a fair amount. An orthodontist accident could probably remove an eye. Yeah, absolutely. It just slips with whatever he's using.

Needles? He has only one eye, though. He has to slip twice. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry you're blind for life no you've just opened your eyes and it's not doing you any good

but I'm very clumsy sorry but I honestly will not charge you full price for this I'll give you maid spreads for this I'll obviously still charge you for the work I'm doing

but I'll remove the service fee I'll pay for parking don't worry I'm an orthodontist, so you do have teeth now. Replace your eyeballs with little mouths. Everyone always wants more teeth. No, no, no.

Three mouths worse yells Jolene louder. Jolene, Jolene, Jolene. Yeah, that is bad. Okay, what else have we got here? I can easily understand how you would take my man. You can have your choice of men, but I could never love again. What if we just learn to love again? Oh accept second best okay we get a worse man that jolene wouldn't want yeah okay we lower our expectations and standards and marry a dud

yeah but we also have to try and get the scale of what jolene will accept that's true it has to be under her because she might have very low expectations. Or, I mean, we don't know what Jolene... Is Jolene just doing it to get a man because he's a hunk, or is she doing it because Jolene hates us and she'll get whatever man we have? She can have any man. Why this man?

Oh, wait, I've got it. Okay. And it's one step. Okay. Replace husband with bomb in shape of husband. Brilliant. The old husband- old husband shaped bomb yeah he just stands there stiff as a board and i'm like i'm like well joely i guess you were the better woman and then i walk out dust in my hands what was that honey nothing i say to my teeth eyed husband

i can't see sir so i don't know what that was. It sounded like an explosion. You could not be more wrong, darling. My ears work perfectly. That was definitely an explosion. We're going to get you back to the orthodontist. What? Don't worry, Gary will sort you out. I don't want teeth ears. Well, I'm sure that won't happen.

Well, just say what the orthodontist says. You're not a doctor, honey, so you don't know what's best for you. Okay, so he's a... He's got teethies. He's got teethies. And Jolene's dead, so I don't know why we needed to do that. But still. Anyway, so that's an option.

Dying of loose ends, it's important. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so the two... A couple of theories we've got now. So, I mean, if we want to keep it clean above murder, bomb is difficult that's true that doesn't yeah yeah stun bomb stun bomb she's just like stunned and then we run away yeah great yeah perfect problem solved and you'll be like and then on the drive home

you just like to your husband hey honey did you see that woman that was so stunned she couldn't move? That was fucked up and unattractive. He's like, did you do that with a fake me? Or what about? Fart bomb. Blame it on Jolene. Stinky. No one loves a stinky woman. Fart lean, hey?

That's what I'd say in the car. Yeah, that's fart lean. Just be singing to myself, fartly. Fartly. You getting this? I'm begging you, please stop stinking up the room. With your farty bum hole or whatever. Let's all go around the room and say the smelliest person we've ever met.

I'll start. Jolene, a.k.a. fartly? That's probably, that's number one stinkiest. I guess that's why everyone calls her fartly. I guess no one's, that's it really. Everyone else felt quite pleasant at that party. I can't stop imagining you saying Fartlene too late in the drive. Not when you get in, like it's been 10 minutes and you're just like,

Fartlene? Fartlene. He's like, what? Fartlene, we should have called her, right? You know, that stinky lady. Do you mean Jolene? Yeah, Fartlene. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It would be funnier if we called her Fartlene. He's speaking in his sleep and she's correcting him. I think you mean Fartlene. All words, he's just like, Fartlene. Damn it. He still loves her. He still loves her despite her horrible, horrible stench. Well, do we think?

Because, like, the stench is bad, but if we, like, sew whoopee cushions into her clothes, then she's always making the sound as well, which is extra unattractive. If she's making a little... As she walks into the bar. It is difficult to sew whoopee cushions into someone's dress. Especially to give them permanently a flavor. Difficult, but not impossible.

Because I guess that's, like, she farts them all out, and then... I'm in the room currently with two ideas, man, and I'm just sitting here being like, no, no, no. Being very negative. You've got to have a few paid actors as well pointing at her going, oh, is she farting? Is she farting? Is this woman farting?

Is this woman farting at five second intervals it sounds like? Her beauty may be beyond compare, but P.U. We should call her Fartlene. And then the paid actor looks at you. I wink. Thumbs up. Trust us, don't share. Fartlene, Fartlene, Fartlene.

But that's good because it doesn't disfigure her. That's important. You know what I mean? Yeah, for sure. It just sort of brings it down to size. Well, what about this? Okay, so she gives a description of Jolene And what makes her so special

Yeah So can we remove those So flaming locks of all bone hair Shave her in her sleep Yeah Bald now Okay Ivory skin

Hard to remove skin Hard to remove skin Without Not impossible Okay Not impossible Boons Bomb

Again Bomb again We won Okay eyes of emerald green I don't know how to change eye colour Hang on Impossible. Boons. Bomb. Again? Bomb again. We won. Okay. Eyes of Emerald Green. I don't know how to change eye colour. Hang on. Yeah, we know a guy.

Hang on. First of all, we know a guy. Also, contact. Okay, contact. In fact, changing an eye colour is probably... Shaving your head's probably easier. Yeah. But it's definitely easier than removing skin, I'd say.

And are we doing this like... Are we buddy-buddying with Jolene? To change her skin, we Big Fat Liar her. That's true. Blue skin. What if we're like Jolene? Come on, Dave, keep up. Yeah, Big Fat Liar.

Big Fat Liar, yeah. You know, Paul Giamatti. Paul Giamatti, he goes in the... Frankie Muniz. Frankie Muniz, yeah. Franky Muniz. Frankie Muniz, now you're talking my language. In that film, I let it believe that someone gets their skin dyed blue.

That's correct. Correct. And his hair gets dyed orange. Yeah. So what if we're like Jolene. Fartlene. Jolene. You can have our man, but let us make you beautiful for him.

We take her to a fake day spa. We set up a fake beauty spa. Okay. I love it. Exactly. And then we're like, oh, this is a mud bath. And on the surface surface it's mud, but underneath

it's horrible blue dye. Yeah. And then while she's in there, we shave her head real quick and then give her contact, give her bad breath somehow.

Fart mints. Love it. Can I be one of these fart mints? Can I be one of these regular mints? You open up the little tin and she's like, that smells horrible. When you open up the tin, it makes a fart noise.

It's also going to be a cool fart mint. It can stop that summer rain feeling, that warm summer rain. It's cold. It wants to be cold. Cold fart. Well, no, because your voice is soft like summer rain. True. You're going to make your voice loud.

Oh, implant a microphone. Beautiful. Implant a microphone going to make a voice loud. Oh, implant a microphone. Beautiful. Implant a microphone. She can't talk softly. Or pop an inflated paper bag and then pop behind her. Ringing of the ears. Burst eardrums. Burst eardrums.

Yeah. She's yelling. She's got fart breath. Blue skin. Bald and blue. Yeah. She's like a Star Trek alien now. Okay.

Hello! Oh, is that you farting? Oh up I mean I'm not trying to be rude but that's one fucked up looking lady oh you're gonna do about her I believe in Fartling! Fartling! God damn it! How? You're into some weird shit, Chris. There better be a nightmare. Okay. Why would she fucking do that to us? Why don't we just start keeping a dream journal so I can keep tracking my fucking dreams?

Because I've got to get in there, okay? Right, so. We've completely changed the way Jolene, i.e. Fartlene, looks. Okay, so changing Jolene, the transformation from Jolene to Fartlene, that's like a seven-step process and includes us opening a fake beauty parlor, which was only one of the seven steps. And are we doing this as a trio? Yes.

Okay, cool. I'm in. So you guys, whilst I disfigure Jollly and you two can run the rest of the spa yeah because we will get all the customers oh yeah i'm gonna make some dodge profitable enterprise yeah that's bad if we're like okay so we only have one mud bath and it dies your skin some people would love that that's true and we just tell the masseuse don't shave them okay we open it next to a convention star a Star Trek convention center. Come in, get fucked up blue.

And we shoot, shut them out. And they'll be like, this looks like no actual Star Trek alien. You know, we've not seen every episode. We haven't seen this show. No,

you've actually seen every episode as defensive. It doesn't look like it. Yes, I have. It is a very easy thing to keep track of. There's a lot of episodes out there. And they're like, do you mean Avatar? What?

No. No, Star Trek Deep Space Nine or whatever. That's a completely different blue. You know? They're like, yeah, I've seen every episode. Oh, I don't know if you have. Oh, you haven't seen the blue one. But do you know who you look like?

No. The Chrismo aliens. All right, we're going to set up a fake Star Trek season okay to get this plan to work we're gonna need to we're gonna need to film a lost episode of Star Trek you could do Shatner

okay so it's okay Star Trek the original series Shatner lost episode involving a blue person so we're gonna need someone Dave we're gonna Last episode involving a blue person, so we're going to need someone. Dave, we're going to have to dye you blue for this. So up for it. Okay. I'll be the Spikes person.

I'll play everyone else. Yeah. Okay. What was the name of the alien you said before? Krizniks? Yeah, the Kriz-Krizmers or something. Okay. David Christmas.

David Christmas. Is my character David Christmas? Yeah. Oh, my God. It's the alien David Christmas. David Christmas. Is my character David Christmas? Yeah. Oh, my God, it's the alien David Christmas. It's great to imagine us in the back room of the spa with the one fan, Star Trek fan, sitting in, like, a chair in front of a TV we've wheeled out. We're all standing behind him with our arms crossed

as he watches the shoddiest episode of Star Trek. See? That's clearly you. That's William Shatner! He's got an Australian accent, for one. Yeah, he's doing an Australian... For the episode, did we not say we're going to film another episode?

To explain... An Australian meme. A prequel to explain it. We've lost one whole lost season, okay? We've only recovered two episodes. Alright, before we film Another episode What other plot holes Did you see

Is there any other issues What's all that one guy Playing like We gotta explain The clone inside Yeah okay That's fine That's like a four episode arc

Okay Fake season of Star Trek Done That's good That's working in our favour I feel like we've covered A lot of bases Maybe

What about the dream itself if we get some sort of Inception style machine get into the dream poison his mind against Freddy Krueger we gotta call him up

we gotta get him on the blower we gotta get him in there Freddy! Freddy Gofingan! what's up? anyway hey man there's a lot of references all at once it's Jackson

Freddy Gofingan what's up? which is a scary man. There's a lot of references all at once. It's Jackson. Freddy. Freddy Goofing good. What's up? Which is a scary movie. Freddy Goofing good, obviously a movie. Yeah, there's a lot going on there. Yeah. Anyway, Freddy, could you go into our husband's dreams?

Don't kill him. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. This isn't Elm Street. Okay. We want him to have a nightmare. The key word is nightmare, not murder. Yeah. And then he goes in there and he becomes Jolene. What's he doing in there? Yeah, I would terrify have a nightmare. The key word is nightmare, not murder. Yeah, and then he goes in there and he becomes Jolene?

What's he doing in there? Yeah, that would terrify him. Yeah. Well, we need a good Jolene pun for Freddie to come out and scare our husband. More like, fartly! Yeah, his fart fingers. Fart fingers. Now, Dave, I'm going to need you To explain What are fart fingers

You know I do know I know Come on And that's great To match our husband Sitting up in bed And we're like

Do you have a bad dream Honey I don't know If I'd call it bad What What do you mean You wouldn't call it bad You wouldn't call it good

Would you That's pretty interesting Pass me my laptop With my screenwriting Application I need to write This genius dream down The muses have taken me Darling It was pretty interesting. Pass me my laptop with my screenwriting application. I need to write this genius dream down. The muses have taken me, darling. God damn it.

I'm going to call this movie Jolene. Calling up Freddie. All right, you might have to kill her. Get in there. Slice his fucking throat, okay? I've had enough of this. Did you do the five fingers? I did!

I did! That should have worked. I don't know why that didn't work. All right, what about this? Jolene can have her choice of men. Yeah. We give her another guy. She can have her choice of men.

We give her a choice of men. Literally a lineup. We do a bachelor style thing for Jolene. Yes. Next season of The Bachelor, Jolene. Our husband will be in there. Okay? Yeah, because we... Because that's whatolene. Yes. Next season of The Bachelor, Jolene. Our husband will be in there. Okay. Yeah, because we...

Because that's what she wants. Yeah. But we have to show her that there's other men. But we have to make him look bad. Yeah. And just hope she doesn't pick him. Like when he gets out of the car to meet her, maybe he does like a lame magic trick or something.

I think it would be like he does a fart. More like my farts move to my right. No, but then she's like Oh my god I also get gas No Stop Sully you don't actually get gas That was us

We sewed whoopee cushions Into your dress somehow Don't make this endearing It's not one of your traits We brainwashed her into thinking She's actually farting They're fart mints I've been giving you

Okay Just like I've been giving My husband fart mints Cool fart mints I've been giving you, okay? Just like I've been giving my husband fart mints. Cool fart mints. Okay, but yeah, we- Look, I'll prove it was me. Fart fingers. Okay.

See? Look, I'll eat the mints. Now I got fart breath. We all got fart breath. So yeah, we got to get some great bachelors. Just some good fellas. What if we turn- Okay.

Yeah. Contact the club. We're going to have to open a fake club. Okay, that's fine. Okay, great. It looks like a normal club, except it's secretly speed dating. Okay. But Joanne doesn't know it's speed dating.

She's just going to be talking to different eligible bachelors and bachelorettes every five minutes. Love it. And hopefully our husband, who will have to be in there because she's interested in it. That's who she's interested in. Yeah. Nothing we can do there. She's going to have to look like shit.

Yeah. Absolutely. So for this club, you do finances, finances Dave do sure you can do DJ I could be the guy that runs the club you know the club guy yeah you could be the club guy oh yeah I'll be all the exotic I've looked at our accounts and we are hemorrhaging money me running between two poles but like changing offway through Panting the whole time I'm a sexy cowboy now

We're going to have to Keep coming up Each date has to have a reason Why they have to leave Every two minutes So Jolene can't leave Her seat But different bachelors

And bachelorettes Every two minutes go Oh sorry I left the oven on I've got to go I've got to get out of here Sorry this club is disgusting But you stay You stay You seem like you'd love this Sorry, I left the oven on. I've got to get out of here. Sorry, this club is disgusting.

But you stay. You stay. You seem like you'd love this. Unless you want to get out of here with me and marry me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What if we trick all of the eligible? Well, not even trick. We tell all the eligible bachelors and bachelorettes that there's a cash prize.

Oh, okay. So if you propose to Jolene. Finances? What do you think? Yeah, we can afford a a cash prize oh okay so if you propose to jolene finances uh yeah we can afford a small cash prize a small 50 50 40 30 yeah okay 30 dollars in drink vouchers 30 50 cash prize but we prize in drink vouchers. We say small cash prize. Okay. Say small. They don't know how small small is.

You propose to Jolene. She says yes. You win an insignificant cash prize. Great. We will not pay for the wedding. Yeah. Oh, goodness, no. No.

And buffet privileges. I assume we have a buffet. Oh, yes. I mean, it's not a good buffet. No. Buffet in a club. It's also apparently a strip club. Yeah. It's a good buffet. No. Buffet in a club. It's also apparently a strip club. Yeah, yeah.

It's a complicated place. Yeah, and I mean... Is the dating happening while I'm stripping? Yes. Do we have... Dinner and a show. Okay, great. It's a time of my life.

A buffet show and a strip club. I'm a sexy pirate now. A buffet and a strip club is rough to think about. Although it's less rough to think about when it's a puffed out one person. That chicken looks good. I need some protein. Okay. That's crazy because I would take off a piece of clothing,

but then I'd have to take off all my clothes and then put on the new costume to then take off a, you know, it's a terrible dance. You get a bit of tease on the pole and then full frontal in the middle. I'm sorry, are you getting dressed? That's his cock and balls. I was hoping to see that mere moment ago, but he said, uh-oh. It's gone.

Okay. Oh, it's back. All right. He's gone between the two again. He's out of shape. He's getting progressively oily. I'm sure with that sweat. What is oil?

It's hard to tell. I've been eating too much bacon. I'm just oily from the bacon. It's hard to tell. I've been eating too much bacon. I'm just oily when the bacon is on my hands. The buffet. I get paid at the buffet. Okay. The only reason we started this business was to get Fart Lean married off. Jesus Christ.

Didn't even have to be a stripper. Started with a spa. Fucking hell. How's that doing? It's next door. it's the same place just we refurbished the mud bath is still there, I'm still

I'm still blue do you want to see a full season of Star Trek with me mate? never been seen before except for one guy that yelled at us. One guy had a problem. We made a full fucking season of Star Trek. Can you believe it?

Show us your dick and balls again. Stop talking. Okay. Fuck. All right. So Jolene sees a bunch of eligible men. Yeah. And we make our-

The worst venue anyone on Earth has ever been to yeah do we think the the terrible nature of our venue is going to turn her off all the men i think that that actually yeah we have created a situation where we're going to get what we want not because of any of our clever very clever planning brilliant planning yeah uh genius galaxy brain planning yeah but instead because we've created a horrible tornado of just the worst vibes imaginable that anyone with a sex drive enters and leaves five minutes later with none which is yeah okay it's just like i never want to flirt again in fact i would like to die, but then the problem is our man as well. We're like, you're not thinking of Jolene, maybe you're thinking of us.

He's like, all I'm thinking about is that love you sent me to. I cannot get it out of my mind. Did you see that blue man? And there was like a mud pit, but roped off. And a buffet? The blue man had a spreadsheet open. Someone was screaming about money? Was the blue man doing taxes in the corner?

That was a projection, not a good projector, but of what appeared to be a lost season of Star Trek. Why did you send me there, honey? What was the thinking there? I didn't want you to fuck Jolene. Who? What? Yes!

Yes! Honey, I gotta go for a victory lap. So, I think, when it comes down to it, it's that easy. It's that easy, Dolly, come on. Dolly. Stop singing and start acting. Dolly, begging isn't the answer. You gotta solve your own problems.

It's simple. Once you lay it all out, it's actually not that hard. Exactly. Unless potentially Jolene is a succubus, which you didn't deal with. Just call Ghostbusters or get a new husband because your new one is going to be fucked to death. Yeah. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson.

I've been Dave. And Dave, where can we find you? You can find me talking all kinds of stuff on my other podcasts, Do Go On, where we talk about stuff from history, and Book Cheat, where I talk about books, also from history. Basically, I tell two special guests

about a book, so I've read it, so you don't have to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I believe that recently you had two very special guests. Yeah, special and handsome. Two very handsome guests. Yes, two very handsome guests. Yeah, good. That would be... Maybe recorded in this very room.

Yeah. Oh, my God. Recorded in this very nightclub. Maybe getting a really learned vibe from this episode of Plumbing the Death Star, because potentially that episode of Book Cheat was actually recorded moments ago. Yeah, that's right. We talked about the Graham Greene crime novel, Brighton Rock.

Yeah. Ooh. We had a good time. We had a good time. And that's all we're going to tell you about it because you need to subscribe to Booktree. You need to subscribe to Do Go On. You need to listen to every episode.

Yes, maybe start with the Dolly Parton episode. Yeah, Dolly Parton episode. It's a good segue. I did a Ryan Gosling episode years ago. I don't know if it's still good, but it was- It was a great time. Jackson, you were on an episode last year. That don't know if it's still good but it was it was a great time Jackson you're on an episode last year.

That's true I was. We talked about a South Korean actress and her husband director who was crazy story. Kidnapped and made movies for the

North Korean regime. Yeah that's sick. It rolled. We both spoke about movie stars. Mine was in more peril than yours. Mine had mostly just

like a good-ish life and remained to be a good man quit acting a couple of times but he came back good on him man anyway listen to both of those podcasts thank you for listening to Pull Me The Death Star thanks for coming on the show Dave

and Dolly if you've got any more problems let us know sick of working 9 to 5 we can probably solve that up for you too labour rights more problems let us know sick of working nine to five we can probably solve that up for you too labor rights hey thanks for listening if you want to support the show and also look fucking great why not head to sanspantsradio.com slash shop and grab yourself a sans pants tee we have heaps of designs covering all of your favorite shows, as well as monthly limited runs of unique one-offs

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