Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Stop Road Runner?

Episode Date: January 3, 2021

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SANS PANTS RADIO! NEW YEAR, NEW ME! Hey everyone, and welcome to the very first episode of Plumbing the Death Star for 2021. Alpha. Oh. Where we ask the important questions, and obviously we want to start 2021 with a huge bang. Out like a rocket. How would you stop Roadrunner? Meep meep. Stop.

Roadrunner. Stop him? Or tap stop him. Stop. You know, stop. That can be like capture. Stop the. Roadrunner, slow down. Okay, I thought we were capturing. Okay.

No, okay, you can capture, you can kill. No, no, no. Is the Roadrunner, do they like to obey road rules? No. If I just put up a big stop sign. Who's that stopping? Roadrunner or Wiley? Wait, is Wiley Coyote also out there

in the desert with us? Because that's scary. Well, I assume. It's us three and a coyote. Wiley Coyote is as big as a man. Oh, no. Okay, so I think, look, we've all jumped on the stop, but that's just made this way too confusing. By stop, I mean capture or kill.

You mean stop permanently. Yes. Compromise to a permanent end. Yep. The roadrunner. Okay, well, here's what I, yes. Look, Wiley can be there as well, but I feel like Wiley has seen our $5 and we'll kill a kid business

and been like, I'll give you 10 to kill this fucking bird. A bird's twice the size of a child, deal. We do it. It's $5 per half child. No, wait, full child. Yeah. I hate this road bird. All right, sure.

I would have done it for free, Wiley, but sick. A crisp tanner. All right. Yeah, done. That'll buy me some knickknacks. The coolest, firmest tenner the world's ever seen. Damn, this tenner's stiff, Wiley. Wow.

I can't wait to get a foot-long sub and a six-inch so we can all have a six-inch sub. Thanks, Wiley. One of those rings from one of those tourist shops in Arizona that's got a scorpion in it and take it to school and be the coolest kid in class. Oh, yeah. Wile E. Coyote is looking at us being like, okay, look,

you're spending it before you get it. Let's see some results. I actually haven't paid any of you yet. I stole the ring. Anyway. I put down my subway. All right. Okay.

What are we going to do? All right, boys. We've got to ice this road bird. Okay. It's simple. We kill the road runners. So I'm thinking Wile E. Coyote is doing it fine. Yeah.

I think they've got a good strategy. They're just not doing it fine. Yeah. They're just, I think they've got a good strategy. It's just not doing it right. Okay. Cause here's the thing. You paint a tunnel on a wall. Once. Yeah. Roadrunner gets tricked.

Yeah. Yeah. Sorry. It doesn't get tricked. Okay. Do it again. Roadrunner. What will get tricked the second time?

So don't fool me once. Shame on me. Yeah, we're going for a shame on me situation. Hang on. So don't fool me once. How does it trick Roadrunner the first time? No, it doesn't. It doesn't.

So Jackson's logic. It tricks Wiley every time. Jackson's logic is simply don't fool me once. Shame on me. I will fool youiley every time. Jackson's logic is simply, don't fool me once, shame on me. I will fool you the second time. Shame on you. Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, but actually you've only fooled me once.

That's my strategy. And also, I think a lot of the time the reason Roadrunner, his plans don't work is he gets tricked by them. I don't need to go through a tunnel. Okay. So, hey, okay, no. So you've painted a tunnel. Great.

Roadrunner has now run through your tunnel to the other side. You're like, what the hell? A train has come out and hit you. You are now a red paste. Oh, no. I don't even get flattened like Wiley. I just fucking die. Get misted.

You reform yourself like some kind of fleshy T-1000. All right. Okay. Now it's your time to shine. You have a bucket of paint and a wall. Go on, Jack. Well, it's obvious I just don't paint a train tunnel. I paint a tunnel that's going to have something good on the other end.

Like what? So then. The other side? Yeah. Like what? So then The other side? Yeah So then Roadrunner So you've painted a tunnel To go to the other side There's something good there

Like what? I don't know Not a train Not a train Like what? Like I don't know Maybe like one of those carts

At festivals that sell corn dogs Okay so you've got a corn dog. So Roadrunner runs through, eats corn dog. Chuffs off. Well, there's no train coming. Corn dog cart starts running towards you. You get covered by cart and corn dog. This was meant to be the fool me twice but actually once part of the play also uh

jackson let's not forget that when a roadrunner runs through the tunnel while he is often like what and then tries to run through and run straight into the wall which i think would absolutely work for you oh if it was corn dogs at the other end i think i'd just be like did i am i a wizard? What is this? I think at that point I might just start Painting other things I would on the wall just paint a fully cooked Roadrunner You know that'll come back to bite you somehow The fully cooked Roadrunner will come to life

And turn you into a paste Okay Painting the wall doesn't work But Wiley's got a lot up his sleeves Second thing he tries quite often, roller skates on my feet, big red rocket, not a dog's penis, but a red rocket on my back. Thank you for the clarification. Thank you.

We were all thinking it, so thank you for clarifying. I'm not strapping a dog's penis to my back. No matter what you're all thinking and want us to do, there are zero dog penises strapped to our back. I know we're all thinking about a dog's penis right now, but let us assure you it's an actual red rocket in brackets. It's just a big red rocket, not a dog penis. And then I wait for Roadrunner Meep Meep to come past me,

and I light it. How does that ever hamper the Wile E. Coyote? Okay. Okay. One of two things usually happens in that situation. Actually, I just have one question. Jackson, why does Wile E. Coyote do that? Because I'm not sure, based on your description, you know why he does it.

So it's like a big rocket that you've lit up. There's a whip to it. To go fast Why? Because Roadrunner's also fast Wily's slow Okay, cool So you do

Meet me I was worried for a second That you weren't sure why Wily Coney was doing that But no, you are Just emulating him for the hell He knows what he's doing Jackson, he patently doesn't To catch up with Roadrunner

It's a rocket though So it has this lifespan Yeah Jackson, haven't you seen Toy Story? Don't you remember the fucking I just lit a rocket Rockets explode I just lit a rocket not a dog's penis Rockets explode

Yes I do remember that But if I catch the roadrunner first Yeah it's okay Best case scenario You've rocketed for that. But if I catch the Roadrunner first... Yeah, it's okay. Alright, best case scenario. You've rocketed, you've red-rocketed in brackets, not a dog penis, right up to Roadrunner. You've grabbed him by the neck.

You've got Roadrunner by the neck. You're strangling him out. Okay, you're still going fast. You need to get those red rockets, not a dog's penis, off your feet. No, the rocket's on my back. The rocket's on my back. Okay, sorry.

So I just have it on like a backpack and I just take it off. I'm still going at speed, but I'll slow down. Okay, so you're going to an on-fire rocket. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Trying to slip that off your shoulders and arms while still straining. One hand around, yeah, Roadrunner's neck.

The other hand. Okay, so you've got it over. Okay, so you slipped it out of one arm. You've tried to slip it out of the other. It's now wrapped around Roadrunner's neck. Okay. Also, Jackson, have you ever rollerbladed? Yeah, once or twice.

Yeah, yeah. Good. At speed. So let's not even. No, I went slow. Yeah, yeah. Good? At speed? So let's not even... No, I went slow. Yeah. And did you wobble? A bit, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. So now imagine you're going at, what, like 100 kilometers an hour, and you're trying to take a backpack off that is controlling your speed, so the moment that you loosen it, the angle at which the rocket is propelling you changes. Yeah. I just spin and then whilst trying to redirect myself, I see

the tunnel I painted earlier. And a train coming out. That tunnel will slow me down. What? I'll slow down through the tunnel. Slamming into the wall paste you two being like how did he think a tunnel would slow him down okay sure another failure for wiley and i guess me wiley cody as well surely throughout all this is watching it he's being like he's just doing the shit i do but somehow worse um the other

rockets the if the rocket doesn't explode killing you and you don't slam into a wall the other classic thing is for you to run off a cliff yes well i was gonna say next wiley cody strategy that i think he's just not doing right is dropping an anvil on roadrunner from a cliff. Okay? Okay. So I go to the edge of a cliff with an anvil, and I wait for Roadrunner. But I probably wouldn't get an anvil, because that's too small.

Maybe a truck. Okay? You're going to drive a truck off a cliff. No, don't drive. I'll push it off. Okay? Okay, so Jackson, how far do you, a human man with, I would say, moderate to low strength, what's

your tactic of getting a truck off a cliff? So, I mean, surely handbrake off. Uh-huh. Yep. Put my shoulder into it. Yeah. So when you take the handbrake off. Yeah. It's Yep. Put my shoulder into it. Yeah, so when you take the handbrake off... Yeah.

It's going to roll. It's going to roll. And where are you when you take the handbrake off? In the truck? Where the handbrake is? I would have to be to do it in the first place. And obviously... And where would it roll?

Back or... What kind of incline is the cliff? Well, I would want it to be on a slope to a cliff. Yeah. So it would land on Roadrunner. Because if I had it the other direction, it would just land on me. Yes. So I take the handbrake off.

Could I do it with some kind of pulley system? But then, of course, there's the risk that it'll get attached to me and the truck will go off and I'll watch as the rope slowly unspools and I'll be like, oh, no, shit. Well, if you've got enough run-up, I would say, look, you want enough slope of the cliff so that you had enough time to take off the handbrake and jump out the cab so that it, momentum, let it fall off the cliff.

If the truck's gone i'm gonna i'm gonna give you this drive and you take the handbrake off and it's on a flat surface and you're not parked right at the edge of a cliff but maybe 10 meters or no let's say five meters that's probably enough time you can probably get out of it and if it's flat and in drive. Yes. And no handbrake, you might be able to get out and push it off the cliff. But can you, one man, push a truck? Look, I don't know if he needs to push the truck because if it's in drive. It's on a slope. Oh, wait.

It'll push itself off. But my question here is, how are you getting Roadrunner to stay stationary at the bottom of the cliff? Wait, wait, wait. I put a question here is how are you getting road runner to stay stationary at the, at the bottom of the way there. Come on. Trucks often. In fact, I don't a trucks ever automatic or they always, I don't think so.

I think often they're manual. I think that I may even say that all the time, the manual, which means that you can't just leave it and drive. Cause that's not how a manual... You'll have to get it into first. Okay. Which I don't think you'll be capable of doing.

So you're going to stall the truck, which means it'll be in the same spot. Make a lot of noise. What about an automatic van, Jack? Yeah, okay. Like an automatic big white van. Yeah. Yeah. And then I put a big red X

Underneath the cliff Roan Roaner meeps stops on the X Looks around I drop the truck on them What's going to go wrong? Wiley Cody uses an anvil which is little So obviously that is easy to dodge For the road runner

So I'm going to drop I think that makes sense When things are dropped at a height isn't it like no matter how much they weigh they'll always hit a certain speed well i think no matter the weight like terminal velocity but i think it's a different terminal velocity depending on how much stuff weighs so a truck will still have a will it fall quicker i don't know if it'll fall yeah i guess oh no we've been to danger isn't that no i think isn't this when it's like you when you get to terminal velocity no matter how much it weighs it's always going to go at the same time if you drop a rat off the empire state building you won't

squish that is wrong because it can't get fast enough uh or maybe that's an ant? I'm just... I feel like it's an ant. You can drop an ant off the Eiffel Tower and it's all good, right? I'm trying to remember. I'm pretty sure I learnt terminal velocity from the Animaniacs. If I drop a rat out of a moving plane, If I drop a rat out of a moving plane, it hits its terminal velocity is such.

I thought that a quick Wikipedia of terminal velocity would make it clear very quickly if what you were saying was true or if what I was saying was true but it could read either way so what velocity is the maximum velocity attainable by an object as it falls through a fluid

air is the most common example I've learnt that air is a fluid today, that's neat it's a fluid not a liquid, don't get confused air is a fluid today. That's neat. It's not fluid, not a liquid. Don't get confused. Air is a gas. One final Wile E. Coyote strategy.

Wait, how'd the truck go? We don't know. We all got too confused and I left it there in neutral. Yeah. And now a quick word from our sponsors. Also, did you know we do too many shows across the Sandspan's radio network? Take BigSoftTitty.png, a show by award-winning comedians

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and too much teeth talk. Just search for bigsofttitty.png, all one word, no spaces, on iTunes or Spotify, or head to our website, sanspantsradio.com. Okay, last strategy. Similar to the rocket boot one, but more

elegant, okay? Set up a giant slingshot side of the road. Bit away from the road i guess roadrunner meet meeps up past me i get in the slingshot waddle back waddle that was rude of me to me walk back fire myself into roadrunner like a like a conquer and then take out Roadrunner that way. How could that go wrong? Jackson. Yes. Listening.

Okay. So how far is the slingshot going to shoot you? Far? Yeah. So to catch Roadrunner using this strategy, you need to know exactly how far and how fast it's going to shoot you. It doesn't matter how far. Yes, it does. Roadrunner is on the road and I'm adjacent, perpendicular

to the road so yeah because you're not directly behind Roadrunner you're going to also need to aim the slingshot and time it so that your path and Roadrunner's path are at the exact point at the right time this is going to require a lot more mathematics

you thought terminal velocity was bad. Now I've got to figure out, this is basically a graph. You've got to triangulate. Yeah. And I don't think I meant perpendicular, guys. Parallel is what you meant, I think. Yeah. Wait, what do you want to be?

Like a T. Like a T? Like a T? Wait. What? That's not what I was imagining. Like, hang on. I'm the length. Where are you?

I'm the length of the T. What? No, don't be saying shit like that. What do you mean? The length of the T. What could that you mean? The length of the T. What could that possibly mean? I'll draw you a diagram. No!

I know what a fucking T looks like. There's the T, okay? That's not what a T looks like. I was wrong. He drew a T on its side. Okay. Imagine a T and then like an uppercase T and it fell over.

Why have you drawn a Y? This is me in the slingshot. You maniacs. And then here's the roadrunner. Okay. And here's me. So you've drawn a T.

I'm the length of the T Shut up Shut the fuck up You're not the length of a T That's the top of the T Except it's the side of the T Because the T is on its side So you want to shoot your slingshot yes you're the body of the t aiming towards the hat of the t

what's the difference between length and top and body and hat because at least this is not a visual medium you big idiot and also because length which part is the length the length of the hat the length of the at least The length of the body? At least when I say body and hat, people are like, oh, yeah, at least he sounds like an idiot, but at least know what he's talking about. Top made sense. Top would make sense if your T was fucking vertical. So the road bird is going across the T on the, on like the, the, the,

I guess the X axis. Yes. I'm coming at it on a Y axis. On the Y axis. Yeah. So you're trying to triangulate. You're going to have to fucking use Pythagoras's theorem here. We all know I'm going to crane into a big cactus. Come on.

So basically Jackson, you need to time it so that you out of the slingshot hit roadrunner as x and y axis meet yes in the middle bit yeah yeah yeah yeah but we we know that's not gonna happen i'm gonna slam into the roadrunner's gonna be too quick up now because we yelled at you enough yeah no it's, yeah, no, it's not even going to work, so who fucking cares? Let's just move on. Yeah, I'll be in a fucking... Hey, look, once in a blue moon, like, if you keep doing it, and if Roadrunner is like,

I'll give Jack a fighting chance and just kind of go back and forth up and down that road, maybe you might hit him. You're going to end up with a cacti needle directly through your urethra. Yeah, right down the tip. You're going to be like, oh, that doesn't look so bad, Jackson,

and I'm going to be like, actually, guys bad it's the worst possible it's gone through my urethra through my guts and then out my anus yeah you think it's you can it's a weird cactus in that it had no needles except one really big needle one long thin boy just went right through. I don't know if this is sacrilege to say, given our line of work, but I don't know if this was worth $10, to be honest. Can one of you slide me off this very long needle and call a doctor? I think I'd pierce some shit through the same hole, but both ways now. Yeah, I think I'll be like a fountain now if i need to

excrete so anybody calling that doctor and then i fall over my face dead okay well i don't think that went well and i think going into the in a book uh if we're gonna rate these i guess jack you did a bad job yeah okay um sure yes so i think going into the in a book uh if we're gonna write these i guess jack you did a bad job yeah okay um sure yes so i think following in the footsteps of wiley coyote not great because you know you you've as as as opposed to like uh looking at say like a mentor an idol you've chosen a failure yeah and you chose to emulate a big failure I mean, it is a famous saying That the definition of insanity Is trying the same thing over and over again

And expecting different results And you've done exactly that Ah, yeah See, I thought the famous saying was Fool me once Don't fool me once Don't fool me once You can't fool me

Shame Fool me twice But actually for the first time, shame on me. Shame on you. You've been the fool. I think that's the same from memory. So as opposed to looking at like a big failure like Wiley Cady. Or Jackson. Or Jackson.

I'm going to look at the roster of Looney Tunes, and I'm going to look at the great, like the most successful Lo and I'm going to look at the most successful Looney Tunes, Bugs Bunny, and do what he does, and dress up like a sexy version of myself, and try and seduce the roadrunner. Maybe I'll put a big beak. Yeah. Big beak, tig old bitties.

Hell yeah. I am curious. So, look, I want to talk through how you get to this point But if you do succeed in this And you're now in bed with Roadrunner What's the tactic then? Because Bugs Bunny often does it to avoid Brick to the back of the head

It's so funny to imagine So maybe the most fucked version of a donkey punch Also the most fucked version of a donkey punch also the most I mean I kill a donkey just like idea like cuz that obviously comes before the love making potential love making but I just love Wile E. Coyote watching you seduce the

Roadrunner and leave to a motel and him being like what what's the what's he doing the difference just fucking the the Roadrunner and leave to a motel and him being like, what? What's he doing? Is he just fucking the Roadrunner? Yeah, he is. Bugs Bunny does it so that Alma Fudd doesn't shoot them.

So it's the opposite of what you're trying to do. It's kind of like if Alma Fudd dressed up like a sexy Bugs Bunny to try and get Bugs Bunny close to shoot Bugs Bunny. Sort of a strategy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm reverse Fudding this. Yeah, it's a reverse Fudd.

An anti-Fudd, if you will. Yeah, yeah. The Fudd polarity. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. But yeah, Roadrunner, even while sed seduced will remain fast so i just well at the point of orgasm is when zamit's gonna brick the roadrunner right okay all right i guess i guess i really want this tenor huh if you're seducing the roadrunner you gotta be committed yeah you gotta fuck the

roadrunner what did you think was gonna happen i would brain it before i have to fuck the roadrunner? You've got to be committed. Yeah, you've got to fuck the roadrunner, dude. What did you think was going to happen? I would brain it before I have to fuck the roadrunner. When? We're assuming the roadrunner is speedy in all aspects of their life. They might be a slow lover. Maybe I'll just try and seduce. The moment you bring the brick up, roadrunner's going to meep meep out of there. Yeah.

Okay, no, no, no, no, no, no. We can do some more fun here. We've got blindfolds. Okay. Maybe I'm like roadrunner's going to meep meep out of there. Yeah. Okay, no, no, no, no, no, no. We can do some more fun here. We got blindfolds. Okay. Maybe I'm like, Roadrunner, what if we try something new for the first time? Meep meep. But it's a curious meep meep. Like what?

Meep meep? Meep meep? This is good as well. What if we try, look, hey, I think I might be into some very light SNL where we involve ropes and a blindfold. And bricks. Meep. And bricks.

Meep. I like the idea of you say you get the roadrunner this way. So here's a question. Or, hang on, I don't need a brick. I can just get a very heavy bum paddle. Yeah. Spank roadrunner to death. Spank roadrunner to death while cody being like i'm not sure i want this anymore also like look yeah this is gonna be an easy a situation zamit

because if you don't fuck roadrunner everyone's still gonna think you fucked roadrunner uh well i was gonna think this zamit and hey you don't have to answer this, but even if you didn't fuck Roadrunner, being in that sexual situation with Roadrunner, would you get an erection? Because if when Wile E. Cody picks up the dead Roadrunner, if you're fully erect, we will not get him as a return customer to our store. I mean, at the end of the day, it's still a fast bird, so no. Okay, just asking. So I just want to just a quick recap so you're seducing we haven't even got to how you plan on seducing roadrunner but you've successfully seduced roadrunner okay that's it's easy okay what you're gonna do is um so a very a fancy suit a very a suave a bit ammani suit Looking really nice and schmick

I'll put a big beak on Like one of them plague mask beaks On my face And I'll have some bird seed In my pockets And I'll grab some of the bird seed And I'll lean back a little And thrust out my hips

Okay And then kind of Drop the bird seed On my groin And give a bit of a seductive wink at the roadrunner. Okay, so you do risk here that roadrunner is just a quick bird and may, rather than see a seductive method, just peck your penis off.

Okay. Beep, beep, boom. Ah! Okay. Oh, my God. It pecked off Savage. It pecked off my penis. Oh my god It packed off It packed off my penis Oh no

Oh no Call a doctor This was not worth the ten dollars You're gonna be in the penis ward With me at the hospital That horror. Roadrunner honks and then speeds off.

Someone catch it! Maybe they can reattach that shit! Roadrunner has my penis! I'm saying that because I got your wiener in their mouth. They can't talk. They got beat properly. Rup, rup. Penis blood going everywhere. It's good to imagine you curled on your

knees, grabbing your crotch. I'm still on the cactus. Same exact spot. You guys are really going to stop destroying your penises for ten bucks. Guys, I did a bad job, JD! Get that fucking road bird and get my penis

back! Okay, wow. Further incentives to catch the Roadrunner. Ten dollars and a friend's penis. Good luck, dude. Okay. So, Roadrunner is a tricky one, because, like, Wiley Cody has tried pretty much everything, Roadrunner is a tricky one

because, like, Wiley Cody has tried pretty much everything and Roadrunner is clearly one step ahead. But I feel like you just need to introduce

elements that Roadrunner hasn't experienced in its natural life because it is just a fast bird. It's a quick bird, yeah.

Yeah, so, I don't know, like, even just something like, look, guys, I got nothing. I'm so stressed about my tea. It's unreal.

Okay, we can figure this out for you. Okay, I emulated the Wile E. Coyote. It didn't work. Zamet emulated Bugs Bunny. It didn't work. What Looney Tunes could you emulate? Actually, maybe if I try Elmer Fudd and just try and shoot Roadrunner? Okay, so Elmer Fudd, you say it's Roadrunner season.

Okay. And Roadrunner can't say Jaldusha season because it's a bird. Yeah, it just goes meep meep. So Roadrunner is going to go meep meep. And then you get to shoot it in the face. Yeah, but how are you going to... You've got my tea problem again. You've got to line up with your gun at the tea middle

when Roadrunner comes past to shoot them. The only difference is, though, that if I do miss, I haven't put myself in bodily harm because I'm not launching myself. In Weiner's way, yeah. Or I could even try, like, a Marvin the Martian tactic. Ray gun? I'm sure Marvin the Martian could kill Roadrunner.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. It seems... What are Marvin's motivations? I don't know what Marvin the Mar... I don't know. Marvin hates humanity, I think. He wants to destroy us.

Well... Now, if you summon Marvin the Martian and there's you, Joel Dusha, a human man. Yeah. And a fast bird, he might just ray gun you. Well, no, I think Dusha's gonna get a ray gun from a ray gun proprietor. Dusha, if you're going the Elmer Fudd route, what if

your gun gets flaccid, as so often happens to Elmer Fudd? Yes. His gun occasionally becomes floppy. Also, there's risks there. I feel like that people may see me as an Elmer Fudd type, but I'm probably closer to a Yosemite Sam.

Yeah, that's true. Angry. Shooting heaps. Tight jeans. I get up there, dude. Big hat. Big hat. Yosemite Sam. No knees. Yosemite Sam, baby. See, the problem is, though, we're going for foibles. The people here is like, Yosemite Sam, he's not a winner. You've got to pick a winner, like Foghorn Leghorn. Oh, I say, I say, I say, I say. Foghorn Leghorn.

Yeah. So somehow you've got to antagonize Roadrunner so that they chase you and that you can grab a big plank and smack him on the bum. That's true. Use my spanking technique. Yeah. The trick is not to catch Roadrunner It's to make Roadrunner catch you

Because then You You're flipping the rules of the universe In your favor baby Yeah I just wonder How can I Make a fast bird angry at me

Yeah okay Because the obvious choice What does Roadrunner hate? Roadrunner Is a cunt, right? They're a cocky fuck, so you need to humiliate the Roadrunner first. Not necessarily catch them, you know, you need to hurt the Roadrunner's pride. What if I just fucking oil slick the fucking desert? The whole desert?

Okay! Roadrunner just fucking eat slipping going ass over tit fucking yeah all right maybe instead of the whole desert because now you've made ipa man um big oil though they fucking love me they're like thank you for your dollars okay you could wait why don't you put a lot of banana peels On the road Make him a bit slippy He slips Now he's like He's mad at you

And then you're like Oi roadrunner that was me I made you slip And then the roadrunner's like Meep meep Runs after you Spank it to death I think it's too

You're obviously antagonising the roadrunner I think what you gotta do Is gentrify the desert. If you get in the big property developer, if you get in the pants of some property development company and you destroy roadrunner's natural habitat, then the roadrunner will hate you and then you can spank them to death as they hunt after you.

I know this. So look, roadrunners are very territorial So start building a house Hey, that's a good idea Maybe the problem is that we've been trying to emulate People that are hunting the roadrunner When we should have been emulating the roadrunner itself Get quick

Say meep meep There you go I can't see any way That this damages your penis. Though I fear there will be one somewhere. Like you'll become the roadrunner and Wally Cody will be like, well, you're easier to get than the real roadrunner. And he'll tip a big boulder over off a cliff and the boulder will land

directly on the tip of your penis. Just crushing it down like an accordion. Oh, no. My accordion dick. Yeah. In the exact same place that my penis is impaled on a cactus and Zammett's in the mouth of the roadrunner. Yeah.

Yeah. So I think your best tactic may be, yeah, build a house to get it aggressive and territorial, or you must be to first catch the roadrunner, become the roadrunner. Yeah, exactly. But then you fall into the trap of maybe me and Jack trying to capture you.

Yeah. Look, what about landmines? Oh, yeah. Well, you can't. If you put landmines down, Dusha, they'll blow your penis off. Direct conflict ends in a damaged penis. We just have to accept that as a reality. You can't go direct conflict.

You've got to think outside the box. Like, wait for the roadrunner to die of old age. What's the lifespan of a roadrunner? Let's look it up. Yeah, that's true. What is the lifespan of a roadrunner let's let's look yeah that's true what is the lifespan of a roadrunner how long does uh seven to eight years okay next question how long can you last without a penis okay i feel like some people do their entire life without a junction what what's the lifespan of a coyote yeah how long does a coy 10 to 14 years so it's the waiting

game baby yeah exactly okay well google has given me an alarming question because it's like how long does a coyote live second question how long does a coyote stay pregnant let's find out 60 days quick babies damn there's a quick baby okay so So We wait the seven or eight years For both the Roadrunner And the Wile E. Coyote to die You pry open the Roadrunner's mouth Pull out Zammett's withered penis I got it

Slide me off the cactus We rob the Roadrunner's house We probably get more than twenty bucks Ten bucks Whatever We go Okay so We rob the roadrunner's house. We probably get more than 20 bucks, 10 bucks, whatever. Okay, so how old do you reckon the roadrunner is? Middle age.

Definitely middle age, yeah. Four. So we're looking at about four. So let's just do the quick investment here. So that's four years. We've earned a grand total of $10 in that four years. Each? $10 each? Oh, each? That was the deal. Man, we've earned a grand total of $10 in that four years. Each? Each? $10 each? Oh, each?

That was the deal. Man, we got bargained. Let's do a quick calculation. So 10 times 3 is 3, and that's over four years, so divide it by 4. So that makes $7.50 per year. You're going to divide that by? We divide that by 12. And so we have made mate, 62.5

cents a month. Nothing to sneeze at. Guys, what's the hospital bill at the Wiener Ward? Well, in the hospital for the Wiener Ward, because

we live in Australia. That's true. We have free healthcare. Hot zero dollars. Except, and I always forget about this in Australia, you still gotta pay like the is it surcharge? I forget what it's called. Like when you crash your car. Parking? No, no, no.

Insurance? The insurance premium? No, not a premium. Now that's if we're going with, like, no, we're going with the public hospital, buddy. That's a hot, big, nothing. We just can enjoy those 60 cents a month. 62 cents a month. Yeah.

That's one Freddo frog, which may be a very, very exclusively Australian reference. I do not know. Yeah. That's pretty good. That's a little chocolate. Chocolate's nice. Really? Good job. i would say so uh everyone gets a freddo frog plus we get to eat the roadrunners with a desiccated corpse so

and i will have an erection and on that note i've been joel i've been Jackson. And I've also been Joel. Happy New Year. Happy New Year. Meet me, motherfuckers. Meet me. Thanks for listening. If you want to help support this show and all the other shows on the Sandspans Radio Network, just head to sandspansradio.com and consider joining the SansPants Plus community.

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