Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Survive A Groundhog Day?

Episode Date: August 14, 2016

In which our heroes are a rude journalist, go to a small snowy town, and piss off a magic groundhog as we ask the question how would you survive a Groundhog Day. We discuss the different ways to eat a nan, wonder why Bill Murray didn't become an inhuman monster, and inevitably turn to cannibalism. Zammit attempts to sleep with an entire town, Jackson does terrible things to his genitals, and Duscher just wants to get nuked. It's an infinite nightmare that doesn't end until Groundhog tells Mrs Groundhog he's sorry for being a dickhead.Want to help Jackson learn how to build a blimp quickly? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, we can get him lessons.In Sydney and want to see the Plumbing Boys live? You can purchase your tickets right here https://www.trybooking.com/MQZP.And don’t forget to purchase your copy of Plumbing the Death Star Vol. 1 right now available at https://audiobooksontape.com/shop/plumbing-death-star-bonus/. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sam's Pants Radio, training a giant owl. Hey everyone, just letting you know that we're doing our very first interstate live show. It's the Teach Jackson to Drive Plumbing the Death Star Sydney show because that boy is turning 25 and me and Dusha are just tired of him hassling our grapes for a lift. So, on Thursday the 29th of September, which is incidentally Jackson's birthday, we'll be at the Chippendale Hotel on 87 Abercrombie Street in Sydney to talk some

Marvel or DC, Pokemon or Star War, something. We'll work it out. The show kicks off at 7.30. There's apparently a decent burger joint there, which is pretty good, so I don't know what we're having for dinner. Link's in the show notes where you can purchase tickets, and we'll see you all there.

Now, enjoy the show. Hey everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, why am I talking in such a weird manner? Also, how would you survive a Groundhog Day? Then put your little hand in mine. There ain't no hill or mountain we can't climb.

Killing myself. Just over and over again. The sweet release of death multiple times. You'd experience death more. You know what? After you died once, you would no longer have any fears. That's true. I think after you groundhog-dayed once, you'd have no longer any fears.

Because again, it's not how would you spend a groundhog day, because it's like, how would you spend the groundhog days? Because another question would be, how long would it take for you just to try to off yourself? Three days.

I'm done with this. No. 20 minutes. Before you even know it's a groundhog day. Like, done with this. No. 20 minutes. Before you even know it's a Groundhog Day. Like, don't get me wrong. I'm sad, Bill Murray. But like,

why would you like, you know, say it's like three days in. Because it would take maybe two days for me to be like, okay. Okay.

Okay, squirrel. You've got me. Or Groundhog Day. How long would it take? How long would it take? You're getting two days for you to realize it's the same day? Yeah. I reckon...

You're not that clever. A week. No, it depends. Something's up. Depends. What were you doing that day? Oh, yeah. Okay, I reckon it would...

It might take you a week. It actually might. It depends, though, because the one thing that makes it easy for Bill Murray is the fact that he goes to bed and wakes up in different places. What? Doesn't he go to bed? Isn't he staying in a hotel? He always comes back and he always wakes up in the hotel. Yeah, but same song.

Is he going to bed in the hotel? Sometimes. Other times not. Other times he tries to off himself. Sometimes he sleeps in the bed with the groundhog lady. Yeah. Watch the film. I've seen the film. I just. Sometimes he sleeps in the bed with the groundhog lady. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, no, I couldn't remember. Watch the film.

I've seen the film. I just haven't seen it in the last 15 minutes. When groundhog has a nap, he wakes up next to Mrs. Groundhog. Exactly. Lady Groundhog Day. No, I think I'd just, like, I'd go nuts. Like, I'd become unhinged. Oh, very quickly.

I'd eat people. Yeah. Why not? It's just you and imagine the day you decide to commit like the worst crime is the day where everything goes back to normal that's what the grandhog wanted you to do the whole time i'm just hoeing down on a grandmom like just eating trails and it's like uh tonight i'll wake up like i go to jail but i'm like yeah i'll wake up in my hotel oh no up. I go to jail, but I'm like, yeah, I'll wake up in my hotel.

Oh, no. You wouldn't go to jail. You wouldn't let the rest of you. You'd be like, no, you just try to eat the cop. No consequences. Well, then you wouldn't know. Then it's fine because the cop

shoots you in the head and you just die. And you either just go in the ground and get hit by worms. You end up in heaven and God's like, what the fuck? Jackson. Jesus. That was a groundhog by worms. You end up in heaven and God's like, what the fuck? Jackson, Jesus. I thought it was a groundhog.

Hey, I still went to heaven and I ate a grandma. That's good. Because grandma's a devil's work. That was lucky. I don't know. I just don't think I'd care enough because of everything I do. I know. I look forward to things changing.

I like change. I like things going forward and, you know what I mean, evolving. Yeah, but once you understand, because even topping yourself, you're going to top yourself like 20 times and be like, well, that's not achieving anything. Which death feels the most pleasant? I think I would go through and try and sleep with everyone in that small town. Oh, yeah, same.

Or as far as I can go with. Like, as in distance-wise. Like, how far everyone. That's kind of hard, though, because that means you need to... I think. You need to win them over in one day. Yeah, that's true. That's true.

Which will be a challenge, but then I have infinite time. Yeah, exactly. So, yeah, you can kind of Bill Murray it and just learn everything about the person. Yeah. That's creepy. That's what Bill Murray does.

Yep. Hey, you get creepy in a Groundhog Day. He's eating grandmas and I'm the creepy one? Yes, you person. That's creepy. That's what Bill Murray does. Hey, you get creepy in a Groundhog Day. He's eating grandmas and I'm the creepy one? Yes, you creep. Nana's tasty. I'm eating Nana in a different way. You're eating Nana and she's loving it. I think I would spend my time seeing how far out of the city I could get.

I would be like, is it a distance thing? Let's see. Get a car? Get a train? Actually, does he try and stay awake? Yeah, I always wondered that. Yeah, he does. What happens?

Nothing. It's when he goes to sleep. But I think that's also the day that it's all sweet. Really? And he wakes up and he's next to Lady Groundhog. Because I always figured if- It's been a while since I've seen this. Yeah.

No, I don't know. No, no, no. We watched it just before recording. Like every episode of Plumbing the Death. Like every episode. We watch the film, then we record the episode. Sorry. Come on, guys. I apologize. Yes, I only saw it just before recording. Like every episode of Plumbing the Dumpster. Like every episode. We watch the film, then we record the episode. Sorry. Come on, guys.

I apologize. Yes, I only saw it five minutes ago. Adam. You're Joel. I should remember that. That's my name. I called you Adam. Weird.

Joel was making spaghetti while we were watching Groundhog Day and then eating spaghetti and therefore forgot. Exactly. There we go. A classic move of spaghetti eating. Yes. Good spaghetti. But would you, because Bill Murray in that movie, he learns skills.

Yeah. I don't think I still don't have the patience. Like, now I'm not learning a skill. And it's not necessarily because I don't have time. It's just like I can't be bothered. Like, I'm not going to learn piano because I'm like. No, it depends on motivation. If it's like, all right, I know, you know,

Mrs. Johnson, three streets over, she'll only sleep with me if I learn guitar. Yep. Right. Give her a little bit of the Johnson. I had a goal of banging my way through this small town. Yep. I'm going to learn guitar.

It'd be like that. How long before you make that decision? Like, is it like a weekend? You're like, oh, I'm going to learn guitar. It'd be like that. How long before you make that decision? Is it like a week in, you're like, oh, I'm living the same day again and again. Time to fuck the town, I guess. I guess that's move number one. I think after I've tried to kill myself a lot, probably about two, probably two weeks. There'd be a moral confliction because I'm like, but I have a partner.

Yeah. So there'd be that, but it's a Ground'm like but i have a partner yeah so there'd be that but i'm like but it's a groundhog day so are all no rules no rules how long are you going before you what before you're like no let's do this how many days how many days before you're like well there's no consequences, so. Actually, see, I'm genre savvy enough that if I got groundhog dayed, I'd be like, who am I disappointing? I'd just go through everyone in the town systematically and be like, hey, sorry, have I been a dick?

And then hopefully I'd come out the other side all right. I reckon I'm out of the groundhog day a lot quicker than you guys. Do you get fitter? I was going to say that, do any physical changes happen? because I just get ripped I'd like tear my arms off just tear them straight off and be like gosh I hope they come back

no because yeah when he tries to groundhog off himself yeah so all physical changes he just comes back with a full head how long until you're like what if I cut off my penis? I wonder what would happen what if i cut off everything except my penis what if i attach my penis what if i attach my penis just to my brain if i was there for like attached if i was living the same day for 10 years i'd be chopping off body parts nothing as a. As a goof. You'd become inhuman.

Yeah. Like, Bill Murray should have come out of that like an ancient ageless being. Yeah, he should have. Like, he should have been so strange and alien. Yeah, like, he's a god. He becomes a god to that town. Isn't that something like 10,000 years? Yeah.

In the original script. Yeah. They did the math and it's like 16,000 days or something. It's something ridiculous because you learnt how to ice scopulence piano yeah i think i'd learn i'd learn neat party tricks yeah i'm like i'm i'm in my spare time when i'm bored enough i might learn some card tricks so like why not do it in groundhog day yeah exactly become amazing at card tricks i try and maybe find like there's gotta be like in, like, in that small town, someone who's, like, a magician-y type person. It's gonna be like, Oi, you. You know what would be real good?

Like, meth or something. Alright. Like, if you found somebody who had a lot of drugs, because then it's not the same thing every day. Just take, like, LSD or, like, fucking something like that every day. No, you experiencing Groundhog Day

is a trip in and of itself. You're adding LSD to an already experienced Groundhog Day, you're gonna go into a weird, weird existential crisis. But say I pop some LSD on like day 65 and I trip out and I I don't know, hallucinate colors and elves

whatever. Then the next day I go to sleep, I wake up, I'm like fine, no negative effects take some more LSD new trip every time what if it's the same trip every time and then I'm like well fuck that off hey time to chop off my dick so speaking of drugs and stuff like that um do you reckon stuff like a k-hole lasts multiple days? Or do you reckon every day he would get out of the K-hole? I think every day he'd have to get out of the K-hole. Okay, so he'd get stuck in a K-hole and then be fine the next day.

Because I know friends of friends, and this isn't some kind of crazy story where I'm like, I'm actually talking about me. I would be a completely different person if any of these stories happened to me. I know someone who got stuck in... Well, I don't know them. What's a K-hole? Just for those uninformed

a k-hole is when you take too much ketamine which is a horse tranquilizer but it's also a drug that people take at parties for some reason I honestly cannot figure out why because when I'm at a party I want to have a nice time and not a spooky time where I sit on the couch

and think I'm at a party, I want to have a nice time and not a spooky time where I sit on the couch and think I'm like slime. I like that that means that at some point, no, it doesn't mean this, but this is what I imagine. At some point a jockey. But let's explore that because that means that there's a jockey who, like, in my mind, just a syringe of horse tranquilizer. And he's just tranquilizing his horse in his stable. And he's like, one for you, one for me. Yeah, so that's it. But yeah, like, Cahill, like, fuck you up, something fierce.

So, like, I know someone that spent, one of my friend's friends spent nearly a month occasionally thinking they were a rabbit. Like, it wasn't affecting their life in any way except for the fact that they'd occasionally just hop somewhere and was just always eating carrots. And this sounds made up, but I promise you that it happened.

Also, someone, I know another person that spent an entire day thinking that they were their own dad, but not as in, like, they impregnated their mother. It was like, I'm really proud of my daughter. She goes out partying too much, but she's trying her hardest. But it was her saying it out loud to herself.

So maybe Bill Murray shouldn't do horse trunks whilst in a crowd on a day. So, in summary, don't do drugs, kids. No, don't. Stay away. You don't want to end up thinking you're your dad. That's why they advise against time travel. They're like, just stick out of it, man.

Yeah, I know, but K-Holes last a bunch of days, and just because it's a weird experience, it would change you forever? Like, how do you go back to being a normal person after that? Well, look, if he's, if he, if Groundhog is trying to, like, put a bullet in his brain and then he's magically stitched up together... This is a mental thing.

Chopping off your own ball sack is a mental thing too. Because you don't chop off your ball sack and just be like, well, gee, I guess I'm fine. You wake up the next day like what am I why did I do that when you lay your scrote out on a table and get a ball bean hammer and just slam your goose egg

like they were cherries I hate that and then you wake up the next day you are not the same man you were the day before so no matter what you come out of the Groundhog Day a changed human being. He's got a point, Dusha. Drugs or no drugs, it's going to affect you.

I like that I assumed that that is a step. Get in the Groundhog Day. Learn everybody in town. Have sex with everybody in town. Smash your ball sack with a ball-peen hammer. That's how it goes. Those are the steps. That's step five. I guess you could probably spend it similar to Zamet because

you're just killing yourself and once you die once actually I reckon after dying twice you'd be like I'm not afraid of death. What happens if Bill Murray kills... You know when somebody dies and then comes back, so they're, like, dead for a minute on the operating table?

What if he did that to himself? What happens? Does he just disappear the moment he dies, or can he come back? I think it's where he loses consciousness, and then he comes back, and it's, like, the same day over and over again. Yeah.

So what I would be thinking... To me, it's a kind of... I'm not pointing this exercise, but it's kind of like everything I would do would have to be for selfish reasons. Like, this is the one time only that you can really be 100 selfish because there is no being altruistic there is none of that because it means nothing yeah like you know it's like all right you know sorry you know you know like yeah like you know if you're say you're very successful businessman or you're very successful in whatever

you do and you're earning a lot of money so something towards like the end of your career or something like that you're like no no no i'm gonna be more altruistic and i'm gonna try to help people because i've helped myself so i'm gonna help others they're just none of that so there's nothing you can do that is actually you just turn to self-mutilation exactly what i mean you would turn to self-mutilation you would what I mean. You would turn to self-mutilation. You would turn to killing people. You would turn to probably doing a lot of things that I'm not comfortable saying

on a podcast because you would just become so inhuman. Well, the problem is because you would stop seeing everyone else as human because no matter what you did, the next day, they're reset and nothing has happened to them. Have you ever played GTA? No. That is what would happen. After you did, the next day, they're reset. Nothing happened. Have you ever played GTA? No.

That. That is what would happen. After you've done the storyline. What a slide. I know. Jackson Bailey had a good Christian upbringing. That's why I lied. But after that moment where you've done the storyline and all that kind of stuff,

and you're like, what havoc can I wreak in this city? That is what would happen. Because you would just get to that point. I'm not sure I didn't answer the question. My answer is try and give myself superpowers. Just bloody nuclear myself. Where in the little town of Groundhog Day are you going to find nuclear material? Do you reckon I could cause enough havoc that they'd nuke me?

In one day? No. material. Do you reckon I could cause enough havoc that they'd nuke me? Like, in one day. I can't think what you'd do, what you could do to a town, that they would be like, nuke him. Are you Godzilla? Maybe I could be. Or maybe, like, DNA splice myself. That's going to take longer than a day. That's the thing, you have

a day, you have a 24 hour window, roughly. Although, it's when he goes to sleep. That is true. Drugs. I think what happens is he blacks out. No, no. When he does black out, or when he goes to sleep. That's what I mean. I don't think he can last more than a day. No, he can. No, he can't

because he can't. He stays past 12.01. It happens. Yeah, in the last time. Is it though? Yeah. I know we just watched it. We just watched it right now. It is currently paused on our VHS player. How laser disc-mishing. I think he can stay up.

No, he can't because... He might mention it, yeah? He's like, oh, I'll try and stay up. And he does. He's like, okay, I'll stay up, I'll stay up. And then there's like a quick cut and he wakes up. And he's like, damn, it didn't work. Oh, fuck, he might blink.

Yeah, it's something like that. Or is it because he's not doing any meth that he can't stay up that late? I'm willing to try. I would say. I would say go. No, because the sequence of events is that when he comes out of the groundhog loop,

they open up the cold, there was a tunnel that was frozen over, so no one could leave the town of Groundhog. And it all fucking sorts itself out. Okay, because they can't leave. I was going to say, I'd try and find, your way of trying to get out of the place wouldn't work either. So your fuck too.

No, I could, I'd just fall asleep after 24 hours. My thing would be like, how far away can I get in 24 hours? Steal a train, steal a jet, steal a rocket ship. Where are you getting a rocket ship? Where are you getting a jet? Where are you getting a train? Because all things are closed. That was the point.

Oh, yeah, closed is true. Yeah, so we're trapped. Build a blimp. Not in 24 hours, mate. But I could figure out how to build a blimp quickly. That's true. Over the course of a month. That's true.

I guess you could. And then I could blimp my way out of there. I reckon I could get myself nuked in a day. How? Walk me through it. Okay, I'd need to... It would take a lot of preparation because I'm going to have to cause as much carnage

in one day so that the government are like, this man needs to be stopped. You've got to do it in such a way that they're like, we can't kill him with a regular bullet. And I just don't think you're gonna get there, mate. You're gonna have to somehow spread a rumor that you're like... A virus. I am invulnerable to normal human weaponry.

Well, if I spent an entire... If I spent 50 years just shooting myself. Okay. Like, just in the arms and legs. Oh, yeah, build up an immunity. My immune system would be so strong. My pain tolerance would be so strong, though. Would it, though?

Because don't you revert at the start of the next day? Yeah. But no, it's mental. Mentally, maybe, but physically, no. No, my arms and legs would still be shot. It's not going to wound me less. Already I'm seeing flaws in your plan, but go on. I reckon that... Also, it's not gonna wound me less i just already i'm seeing flaws in your plan but go on i reckon that also it's not like if they shoot you once in the arm and you're

like oh they're not like fuck get a new they're like oh shoot him again no i reckon i can probably i'd have to kill a lot of people a lot of days in a row because i know their patterns so i'd pretty much be neo that's true you could you know like because basically bill murray by the end of it knows that everyone will do it every time he becomes god to that town yeah yeah for that one day i could do the same thing but i could become satan yeah like you'd become satan to that town you would just know you'd wake up in the morning stab that guy kill this guy kill that guy kill everyone in the town you probably know where the balls are gonna go i know where to stand.

Yeah, you could just like, you'd be moving things around. Like you'd just be like, oh, he's going to fall there. He's going to, oh, jag a piece of glass. Got him good. Next one. I reckon if I killed a thousand people in the space of- You'd do a nice ballet just- Yeah, if I killed a thousand people in the space of an hour.

You'd get the SWAT team to maybe shoot you in the head. Not getting a nuke. I don't even think they'd get a tank. I'd bloody get a tank. If one man killed a thousand people in an hour, the army at least. But Doucher, you've got to think about this practically.

You kill a thousand people in an hour. Who knows? First off, yeah. You kill a thousand people in an hour. You're just standing there with like the dead people of groundhog cops would know so you'd probably kill everyone right then like you'd go the cops and maybe you take most of them out and they're reported then then maybe you'd get like the next like it's a count like a county yeah so you get the next level so you get like the state troopers and then from

there you don't gotta kill the state troopers and from there then you kind't got to kill the state troopers. And from there, then you kind of get feds. No, I reckon. Actually, no, no, no. We assume that Dusha gets an infinite amount of time to achieve this. All right. Which he does, because Groundhog exists until you say sorry to the right person. Something like that, yeah. And murder is not a good way to say sorry. Exactly.

So I'll be fine for a while. So if Dusha has an infinite amount of time, that means he learns how to kill the town over the course of, say, 50 years. Then he learns how to kill the cops over another 50. And then another 50, he learns where the SWAT's going to go. Then he learns where the next level is going to go until eventually... They're going to have no choice.

If Duscha can kill every single town, cops, SWAT, tank... We have 24 hours. Yeah. No, I reckon that's what I mean. I need to do as much damage as quickly as possible town, cops, SWAT, tank, we have 24 hours. Yeah. No, I reckon it... That's what I mean. I need to do as much damage as quickly as possible because no one's ever killed that many people in such a short period of time ever. Yeah, but they're not going to nuke you. I want to get nuked. They're not going to be there to respond.

Like, even if you did, even if you worked perfect to a T, every single time you're like, should have turned left rather than right. Alright, I'll just make a mental preparation and you're kind of just doing this all by route. That's fine. I just think the time scale, you're going to have

to be like, I'm going to kill people in the town. That's going to lead to the cops coming in, which means I've got to kill them. This is all going to take maybe two hours and that's giving you a lot of time. Plus, the same level of physical fitness that you are now, killing people is going to take a lot out of you you're going to have to stop for subway you're going to have to have a diet coke zero real quick

yeah that's good to replenish myself give yourself back some energy i think with an infinite amount of time you could do it because that's what having an infinite amount of time means i'd be not i just think time wise you're not going to get the i reckon you i will get the army the nuke is my end goal but i will struggle the only thing the only thing i'm thinking of is because like it would just be unheard like governments and that would be like what the fuck no they're not gonna be nuking requires when they nuke god, it's after a lot of discussion. And also... Exactly, that too. If I wipe out an entire town...

And also, they have to be aware of you as well. And it's going to take time for them to be aware of you. If this was set in, like, Cold War, and you had the red phone to Russia, sure, okay. Yeah. I'd give you infinite time to convince Russia to nuke you. But I'm sorry. I just don't think they're going to get nuked. I'm sorry. Wow, I'm give you infinite time to convince Russia to nuke you, but I'm sorry.

I just don't think they're going to get nuked. I'm sorry. Wow, I'm apologizing. That's good. I'm sorry, man. Gee whiz, I'm sorry. I'm just so genuinely sorry that you're not going to get nuked. Well, that's my end goal, so I guess I'll be in a loop forever.

I guess you'll be in a loop. I like that you're like, I did it. I got myself nuked. Let me out now. Is that what you want, a groundhog? Is this it? What's going on? I spent six centuries learning this.

I'd kill the groundhog. Just with a bat? I'd be like, let me out of the loop. Stupid fucking groundhog. I'd also, yeah, because once I die, also the next day I would be... I'd eat it. Gain its powers.

Groundhog other people. The scariest part about Groundhog Day is after it happened to you once, you'd be so scared it was just going to happen again. Oh, yeah. You'd always be vigilant. Every time you woke up, you'd be scared it was going to be the next day. I think, in a realistic version of Groundhog Day, the day after, he's like, Oh, I had a Groundhog Day and I've sorted...

He kills himself. Surely. It's like Frodo at the end of The Lord of the Ring. He has to get on the suicide boat. Yeah, like, where do you go from there? You can't. Death. You're beyond human, so it's probably best.

Probably is. Just jump in a river. Finally, I can do this now. Yeah. I know which one is the painless one. Exactly, so it's probably best. Probably is. Just jump in a river. Finally, I can do this now. Yeah. I know which one is the painless one. Exactly, because imagine- Or the painful one. Hey.

Cut off your ballsack. No, but because Bill Murray has lived his life for so long knowing everything, and he's lived- You would crave- You'd be such a strange person to talk to, though. Because you'd crave human interaction so much that people would be like, Jesus, man, settle. Plus, you'd be frustrated by the world

because it's not a world you're in control of anymore. See, I think because you'd spend so much time reading all the books, because websites, it's like you can't catch up on every single website because it's all infinite. You'd do that. You could.

You'd almost read every website, watch everything on YouTube, and be going dark places. You'd do that. You could. You'd almost read every website, watch everything on YouTube, and be going dark places. You'd be having a time. And, you know, you'd do all that, and you'd just catch up. You would be the most knowledgeable person in the world. But you'd also be very darkly insane. Yeah.

Because, like I said, step five, smash your ball sack with a ball-beam hammer. Yeah. Because, like I said, step five, smash your ball sack with a ball-beam hammer. Because with internet access, I think, things become a little bit more insane. Yeah. Because then you become the most knowledgeable person ever. You know everything. And then the moment you're out of that Groundhog Day and you're in an uncertain world. But you would still know everything because you'd be like, oh, you'd be talking about patterns.

Yeah, yeah. Because, again, you could argue that like humanities are very patternistic you know whatever whatever whatever and you could be like okay by like doing a lot of studying and that kind of stuff i can kind of predict what is happening by looking at the past all you know is the past all you know is everything that kind of went on and plus if you got really good at things, you could be like, from a computer, you could be hacking into military-grade facilities trying to get secret documents just so you could read them. Really? If Bill Murray...

It was set in the nowadays where there was internet access because, again, with infinite amount of time, you would eventually be cracking military code. Yes! I can nuke myself! You can! Oh! I can nuke myself! You can! Oh! I did it! I don't even need to kill anyone. I mean, the nuke would, but that's

alright. I like, like, Bill Murray really. He should have got to that point with Lady Groundhog Day. Yeah. Where he's like, hey, I reckon this one's the winner. And, like, maybe, like, you know, he goes to kiss her on the forehead goodnight and then go to sleep.

Instead of kissing her, he's like, okay, this is the winner. Blows a raspberry, whatever, wrecks it. And then he's like, well, I guess that's my out. If I ever need to leave, that's what I need to do. Until then, let's become the Ubermatch. Like, until I want to leave, why not just learn everything there is to learn ever? Bill Murray would be a force to be reckoned with in the Groundhog Day. Until I want to leave, like, why not just learn everything there is to learn? Yeah.

Bill Murray would be a force to be reckoned with in the Groundhog Day. Yeah, I reckon that's what I think. That's what I would spend my time doing is learning everything there is and, like, you know, researching a lot of, like, what's it called? Not Google Docs, but... Google Scholar? Yeah, Google Scholar. My God, going on all those sort of journalistic articles and just trying to read and research everything.

I think I would say sorry to everyone, first of all, just to see... Someone wasted their time apologising like a dickhead. Like a knobhead. It's like a week. No, but also, it depends, though, because you could say sorry to everyone and it wouldn't work because you would not seem legitimate.

Yeah, you wouldn't mean it. It's not genuine. So you might have to then go and be like... Have you not watched any movie where you learn a lesson? You have to mean it! God damn it! See, there's a chance when I nuke myself that that will be the end of Grand Hog Day because I mean it. It doesn't matter what you do as long as you bloody

mean it. Exactly. Slamming my gooseberries with a ball-peen hammer, squishing them like grapes and I'm just like, really? Getting your goose eggs in like a door jam and just going down. Bam, bam, bam. Is this what you want, groundhog?

Is this enough for you? I do not like that. I feel like they just let me out to make me stop. Please don't. Stop this now. The moment I came out, I'd kill the groundhog for real. Like, when they're like, I'm like, it's the next day. They'd be like, oh, Jackson, what a lovely

night last night. I'm like, give me a bat. I'm going to go squish a groundhog. I'm going to kill all the groundhogs. Why, Jackson? Don't worry about it. Just to have a hunch. Have a fucking inkling about these goddamn things. Yeah, you've got to kill the groundhogs. I'm trying to think what else there would be to do. See, I just, yeah, I'd try to learn as much information as I could.

I'd try to learn as many, like, kind of neat party tricks, like juggling. I'd never be able to juggle. I'd like to learn. Learn to sing, why not? Yeah, that kind of stuff, you know. Acrobatics. Because I'm sure there's a small town that's, like, got, like,

you know, a piano lesson. Yeah, a singing coach. You can always go to them, and each time you're like, this is where I'm at, What's the next kind of thing? Yeah, exactly. So you'd be doing all those kind of stuff and you would just become the Ubermatch. I would watch all media that is outdated and just constantly reference it

to my friends. That's alright. We'd be so happy. I'd be happy. I'm the happiest man when I do that. Hey Dusha, did you watch Game of Thrones? Nope, but I fucking thrashed M.A.S.H. last night. Just kidding. I haven't watched M.A.S.H. yet, but I probably will.

It's on the books. Roseanne is my current one, and everyone knows that already. But I'm going to keep mentioning it. I guess I would become... It's kind of like the X dynasty. It'd be like the monster dynasty. The education dynasty.

The parlor tricks dynasty. What's weird about it is that you're like, well, I'd become the Ubermatch, but I think everybody would eventually... Bless you. Thank you. Everybody would... Hang on. Is there another? No. Everybody would become the Ubermatch eventually

because you have nothing else to do. Yeah. Like, given an infinite amount of time, we all end up the same. Follow wants to come inside. He's not coming inside till we're done recording. Follow, sorry. But, yeah, I think that's...

So confused and full of outsiders. Follow, you're not coming in give me the business dog um yeah so yeah i think everybody would eventually end up kind of the same because you would just do everything because there's only like a fight there's a you know there's a finite amount of things to do in a way but but even though it feels kind of like infinite, but it is a very finite thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And after, say, you know, 20,000 years, you would be doing everything.

And the day you come out of it, my God. What are you? What are you? You're something else. You're not human. No. You're just whatever you are wearing a human skin suit. Exactly.

And you're just like, I don't know what to do anymore. Because could you survive that world? Or would you just have to end it? Because, A, I don't know everything that's coming to the nth degree. I can maybe predict because of all the education. Yeah, but I'm not. All that kind of stuff. The world is now uncertain.

I'm letting that dog go. Oh, poor Fall. Hey, Fall. What's the Fall? What, you're Fall? Shit's on my phone. So, I just... I don't think you could.

I don't know how you could cope living in a world after you've come back from living one day 20,000 years. 40,000 years. I reckon even... 100 days. I reckon even, yeah, like a month. A month of the same day would just... It would make you... You'd be so frustrated. You would no longer value human life. Yeah, basically. How long?

So at what point can you come back? Because I reckon a month living the same day you could come back. Yeah, with therapy. It would take you a bit to adjust. Yeah, but you'd be fine. Not that much. I don't reckon you'd need therapy after a month. I think it would just day, you could come back. Yeah, with therapy. It would take you a bit to adjust. Yeah. Oh, maybe not that much. I don't reckon you need therapy after a month. I think it would just be you'd be a cunt for like two weeks to live with because you would be frustrated by the lack of power and lack of power and lack of, you wouldn't know,

lack of predictability, that's what it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like you would be annoyed because you wouldn't know what was going to happen and you couldn't plan your day. You'd just become like this crazy organized mess of a human being. Yeah. You'd be like, and I feel like you'd constantly talk about it. Oh, in the groundhog world, I was good at this.

Oh, in the groundhog world. You'd still be good at it, though. No, I know, but you might be like, in the groundhog world, I had time to do these things. If I... You'd just reshuffle your priorities. I reckon a year. Not even less.

Six months is when you can't come back. Anything after six months, you are subhuman. I reckon six months is the genital slamming period of time. When's that, then? I reckon murder would probably happen before you start cutting a fur and dick. Yeah, okay. So I reckon murder is six months. A year is putting a ball sack to a toy train set and having a train run into them.

Yeah. You'd be sitting in a cafe and you'd just punch an old man in the mouth to see what happens. I reckon I would kill myself before I killed another person. Of course. Yeah. Well, yeah, without saying. Yeah. I'd kill myself before I killed another person. Of course. Yeah. Well, yeah, that's what I was about to say. Yeah. I'd kill myself before I bloody changed my lunch order. What would you think was happening? Like what?

So in this world, you have not seen Groundhog Day. Yes, because we'd all be like, oh, I'm Groundhog Day-ing. All right. I thought that was just a movie. No, I guess here I am being Groundhog Day. That's a weird documentary. I feel bad for Bill Murray. I think, honestly, I would think that I had gone insane.

You know what I mean? Yeah. I clearly have had a mental break, and this is it. Yeah, I would probably become a recluse. I'm not in the real world? Yeah. This is all a simulation. Oh, no.

You'd get Matrix Syndrome. I think I'd be like, this is a simulation. This is my- This is a joke. There has been trauma in- I'm lying in a bed or somewhere and there has trauma has happened yeah i am i don't know i am five years old and i'm getting diddled by an uncle and everything has been a lie now i am this is and my brain is now glitching it sent me to groundhog day it i would just assume that i it is 2012 and i'm still sitting in the cinema watching Savages.

I'd be like, good job, brain. At least I'm not watching Savages anymore. But I'd just be waiting for the lights to come back on. It sounds real stupid, but for some reason I think I'd assume magic had happened. Like, I would be like, did I get cursed? Is this a curse? I just don't think it would be real. I just think this would all be a construct of my own mind.

I would be like, but then I would be trying to escape it. And I think, no, my first thought would be curse. That's so dumb. But like, I just know it would. I would be like, okay, okay, it's a curse. No, I'd think someone, for the first couple of days, I'd be like, this is like, I've been selected. Am I in Ashton Kutcher's MTV's Punk'd?

Yeah, something like that. Or like, is this Truman Show? Oh yeah, initially it'd be, am I getting, is Ashton Kutcher going to come around the corner punked yeah something like that or like is this truman show that happened like oh yeah initially it'd be am i getting i'm hiking is ashton kutcher gonna come around the corner so i can punch him in his mouth this is a bad joke you've become punked um or is it gonna be is this a weird truman show-esque thing but yeah i think initially then i'd settle on i'd think reality tv and i'd be like why me and then i'd be like Then you'd kill a person and be like, no one's stopping me. That's strange.

No, I reckon I'd probably just do something gross. Then you'd slam your gooseberries into a doorjamb. You'd get a cinder block, put your ball sack underneath the cinder block, then drop the cinder block with heft onto your gentle crowns. I do not like this genital mutilation.

And then you're like, okay, I guess network television isn't stopping me from that. After you've stopped screaming and blacking out. You black out, then you wake up and say... You'd be like, ah! I guess my balls are not in jeopardy.

Yeah, I think I'd assume a curse pretty much. Or hell, maybe. I'm not a Christianian person but i might be like uh okay true day is but i am jewish yeah that's the one i was no i'm not i'm deeply hindu no i'm nothing multiple jokes so there's layers that one's got layers but uh yeah i uh i he did he did throw you for a loop. He would. So how do you get out? Because I guess in Groundhog it was either has to be nice to his one true love or be nice to the groundhog.

Is that what happens? Well, there's this theory that he actually has to be nice to his cameraman because he's nice to Lady Groundhog quite a few times, but he's only nice to his cameraman once, and that just happens to be on the day he gets to leave. So that's why i'd say sorry to everyone but i wouldn't just say sorry to everyone i'd go up to them and be like hey what what happened actually you could have be altruistic i've realized how you could go and ensure that

at least for one day everyone in the town that's a very nice day that's true you could just make someone's day utterly amazing plus you could just find out what was necessary for them to have a secured future. Yeah. And you could just put that in place. Yeah, you could try and ensure that. So, I guess after you become a monster and after you try and kill yourself and everyone, I guess you could try and just be nice. Yeah, exactly.

You could kind of fix everyone's problems. The downside is that you're only fixing them for a certain amount of time. I'm going back to what I said originally, where I reckon you only have a limit of a certain amount of apologies per day. Because otherwise it doesn't seem sincere. No, fair. Yeah. Well, that's why I'd ask everyone what exactly I'd done.

And it wouldn't just be like, hey, did I insult you? Did I hurt you? See, that's why I wouldn't be apologizing. I'd just be trying to be a very good human after I've clearly been a very monster. I like that everyone just is a monster first. You have to be. It happens at some point. You've got an infinite amount of time.

It's easy to become bad than it is to become good. Like monster, slam a gooseberry into realizing that's the turning point. Be good again. Off yourself, that's just monster, slam my gooseberries, realizing that's the turning point. Be good again. Off yourself, off others, smash gooseberries, learn everything, become nice to others. Get out of the Groundhog Day

and be like, man, if somebody had told me that, I wouldn't have slammed my gooseberries. Eat Subway, kill myself, hack into military codes, nuke myself. What else is there to life? We didn't.

Not much. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've also been Joel. And this topic was suggested by Brian Carton. So I hope that this answered your questions. I hope that it had enough genital mutilation for you, Brian. If you want more, just let us know.

Because we're worried it was a little too light. A lot of people out there slam their gooseberries in vices and shit, and they're doing okay. Yeah. Ball torture. That's good. Cock and ball torture as a sexual fetish is comedy gold, and everyone can just bloody cope.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Okay. The idea of someone being like, Oi, you, darling, my lovely, could you please wear these gigantic high heels and I'm just going to pop these gooseberries on the kitchen table while the kids are in bed and I want you to just stomp. Darlan, it's Valentine's Day,

so can you get the mortar and pestle, drop my balls into it, I'll do a weird squat, and just get the pestle, or mortar, I forget which is which, and just grind them into a fine paste. Hard pass. I got you, babe. I got you, babe. I got you, babe.

I got you, babe. If you think this show is worth at least a dollar, why not donate to our Patreon account? Follow the links on our website, sandspantsradio.com.