Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Survive Being Ratatouille'd? (Ft. Tom Walker)

Episode Date: August 18, 2019

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Hello, welcome to Plumbing the Death Star. Uhhhhhhh. Uhhhhhhh. Uhhhhhhh. Uhhhhhhh. Hey dickheads, the Bad IQ Boys are doing several live episodes of Plumbing the Death Star on twitch.tv slash sanspantsradio starting this Monday at 8pm for us, 11am for the UK, and a god-awful time for the US. It's 3am, you should be in bed, shush. So if you want to watch us flap our idiot mouths,

head to twitch.tv slash sanspantsradio, and lucky you, after the episode, we'll be doing a live Q&A so you can vent all your frustration. That's twitch.tv slash sanspantsradio. Hello, welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like how would you survive being ratatouille'd? I am Tom Walker and this is the podcast. So what? Like, I'm just chilling around, a rat just lands on my head,

and suddenly I cannot move? Well, we have to assume that within... We have to assume. We have to assume that within the world of Ratatouille, the Pixar Disney film, if a rat gets on your head, the rat's in control. Yeah.

Okay. The only combat we have against that is that a rat is easy to hit. Okay? But if a rat gets on there, the rat's in charge of your body. Now, we're lucky. Well, not we are, but Linguini in Ratatouille is lucky that all Ratatouille, that's not the name of the rat. Fuck it.

All Ratatouille wanted to do was make food. Yes. He wanted to be a chef because whatever the name of the chef is in that movie inspired him. That's not a rat's main modus operandi. Ray Barone's brother. Yeah. Yeah. This is a situation where we have the only rat, as far as we can see, that finds his dominance over a human

also has a clear career goal that does not harm the human. Because what you would think would happen is immediately that human gets pushed into blood sport fighting. It becomes, for lack of a better term, a fleshy mech. Yeah, I have to assume... So this is how I assume it would go for me, right? I'm asleep, the rat gets me Chomps under my head

Bites my scalp Chomps under my head, bites the scalp Digs its claws in With Remy, Remy's the rat's name I prefer Ratatouille With Ratatouille and Linguini He's controlling the hair For me, I imagine, and that's a gentle relationship

Symbiotic Surely if I shave my head, I'm immune That's a gentle relationship. Symbiotic. Surely if I shave my head, I'm immune. No, see, that's where I think it would just dig its teeth and claws. Then it just goes straight into the brain. No, that's not good. If they took your hat off, you would just have the bottom half of a rat sticking

out of your skull. But I assume the rats would make me fight any predators that have been trying to... Like, all of a sudden you're fighting a dog that's been hassling the rat nest. Yeah, this is the reason that cats have been disappearing around Remy's neighborhood for so long. Exactly. Controlling humans who just go and snap the necks of cats. So once Remy, or a rat, I guess, our chosen rat.

Yeah. Does the rat choose the person? Yeah, like wands in Harry Potter, the rat chooses the person is the person in harry potter the rat chooses you yeah uh so can i still uh move or do they have you're fighting the rat complete control the rat has more control than you but you can try and resist okay but it's not easy okay because you move one way the rat moves at the other is it because um linguine's kind of weak will. Just weak will. How does that rat tit control? I assume that's just how it works.

Because there's also in the movie Ratatouille quite a bit of evidence to suggest that whatever the chef's name, Frank Barone, whatever his name is, was also similarly controlled by a rat. So I think that's just. Wait, really? Yeah, there's wait really yeah there's like just a couple of hints like they find a hair in the chef's hat of what the fuck's his name god damn it this is gonna kill me someone look it up i'm looking it up i'm very aggressive this episode what i realized passionate okay over the course of this episode so far i've realized that the method of control that the rat exerts over the human is near identical to the control exerted by the navi over whatever it is the navi ride oh god you're right

and it's hair based it's a vertical uh takeover of the thing it comes from above and then assumes control over the beast absolutely these rats are fucking my hair. Well, okay. Also, something that's interesting to point out is that Ratatouille grabs with his hands and he can move Linguini's hands. Yes. But then to move Linguini's feet, he needs to grab with his feet to maneuver him around. Gusteau?

Gusteau! Thank goodness. Christ. Gusteau, yeah, in Gusteau's chef's hat, they find a hair and they're testing it to see if Linguini's his legitimate heir. And then they get it back and they're like, oh, something is wrong with it.

It was rat hair accidentally. And then there's a whole bunch of like, oh, you know, anyone can cook. A cook can come from anywhere, i.e. a rat controlling a chef with a four Michelin star restaurant. That means that the moral of Ratatouille isn't that anyone can cook. It's that only rats can cook. Only rats controlling a person can cook.

Yeah, you're right. The message is rats know what you want to eat. Rats are better chefs than a human could ever possibly be. Than you ever will. Ever. No, no, no. Okay, so if we get ratatouille,

I assume the first stage is bargaining. Yeah, absolutely. Because the rat's in control. The rat on your head could kill you in a second. You know what I mean? Oh, it's proper, like, excuse the Harry Potter reference, proper Imperial curse hours. The rat is in complete control. If you are near anywhere high,

the rat could basically compel you to Dark Knight Joker yourself. Absolutely. To make a pencil disappear into your eye socket. Everyone's very impressed by the magic trick, but also very immediately grieving your passing. Absolutely. See, I think my first move is shock so the rat gets your body it's like locked in syndrome yeah yeah you know what i mean it suddenly feels like well i can still talk though

yeah this is good yeah yeah yeah you can still converse so okay you can talk to the rat you can tell the people you're enacting the rat's will on that it's not your fault. It's the rat. It's up to them if they believe you. The bank teller will not look beneath the baseball cap to know that it's not you passing the note asking for all the cheese with backward ease. Thank goodness.

I just thought the rat was robbing a bank and I was so excited. Why do you want this? Passing a note, holding a gun, but poorly. Me being like, I don't want this, please. There's a rat under my hat. Come on, please help me. Imagine the rat does it just so you get incarcerated.

Like you rob the bank and you're like, at least I'll see the rat on my head. And then the rat scurries away as the cops come. And there's nothing you can do. No, absolutely not. I think we need to figure out what a rat wants you know what does a rat need in this life okay rats are subject to the same base career-minded uh ambitions as humans yeah also they have dreams yes in this case the dream was to become a chef. Other common dreams. I might just Google, what do children want to be? Yes.

Great. Great question. Okay. But also, we see in the film Ratatouille, some rats just want to eat refuse. You know what I mean? Well, that's number one on what do children want to. It's very funny to imagine a rat getting control of my head and body and just making me...

Have you found a great child's dream? No, I was thinking of a rat being in control of your head and body and be like, finally, the strength of our gargantuan at my... I got a dud, everyone. Oh, man. You've also got to imagine it's like, yeah, they control, say, us, but then they can only do what we can do? Yeah.

I mean, I guess I could chop a vegetable. Well, I was imagining getting sent to the tip and just grabbing, like, handfuls of refuse and leaving them at a rat nest or whatever. Like, I'm just turning me into almost construction, not construction, but like, I guess a garbage truck, you know? Yeah, you would become... I imagine you serving as a kind of garbage pelican where you fill your craw full of refuse,

carry it home to the rats and deposit it at their doorstep. Or they just make me lie down with an open mouth and they all gather around and eat it like a banquet. Okay, so I've got a list of... Now this I like. You lying down and covered in trash like one of those... Like a lady with sushi. Yeah, exactly.

And all the rats scurrying around. Discarded yogurt tops on your nipples, covering them. Just bin juice leaking down your sides. You guys opening the door and I'm like, this is what the rats wanted, this isn't me. Jackson, the rat isn't on your head anymore. You're like, I know, but it's good to have stability finally. Okay, what are some dreams of children?

Okay, number one, dancer slash choreographer. Oh, okay. That's wild that that's number one. Cool. I think a rat could be good at that. If a rat had that dream to be a dancer and then was just like, all right. I would rather the rat on my head want me to be a dancer yeah and then was just like all right i would rather the rat on my head want me to be a dancer than a chef because yeah less sharp knives less sharp

knives and this rat is now forcing me to get into shape hey which i'm actually all for yeah if the rat oh no please i was just gonna say something we're gonna have to consider with each of these dreams can you wear a hat during can't wear a hat and dance as certain types of dancers as someone who has seen uh the movie where channing tatum dances aka step up uh certainly he wears a baseball cap for almost all of the film okay yeah that's good as long as we can hide the rat he wears a baseball cap so as long as there's an a tiny bit of popping and locking, I think that is okay. Sorry to keep...

I feel the sort of same pain as the muscle ache. So if, say, the rat on my head is doing stuff and using my arms, do I feel the pain of a lactic acid basically building up or whatever? I understand that I'm still me.

I don't know that you do. What you're doing is trying to work out what a normal man feels. What you're doing, Sam, is asking us what exercise feels like. Yes, but if I get to that point where I can't go on, can the rat push me further? Yes, in the way that an electric shock would stimulate your muscles to just spasm. Yes.

Because, well, the reason I believe that it's possible is that in Ratatouille, Ratatouille moves Linguini when Linguini's asleep. So it doesn't matter what your body wants to do. The rat's in control. That would be really good if we could just timeshare the body. So my waking mind gets to sleep during the day. I do whatever. And at the night, well, I'm the rat. I am a rat's vessel of whims.

I found another top ten list of things children want to be. Okay. Okay. Number one, professional athlete. Okay. Well, that's pretty good because the rat can just push you. Like in that terrible film that I watched with Stephen Baldwin once called Exchange where you just switch minds or whatever with people.

I could be like, all right, rat, we'll follow your dream if you make me work out. Yeah. And then, you know, I get in shape or whatever. Are you time sharing like Tom or what's your deal? What's your bargain with the rats? What does he want to do? What does the rat want to do? The rat wants to become a professional athlete, whatever it takes.

Yeah, we're good. I guess you just become a professional athlete. I'm like, so, yeah, right. Give me a couple of hours at night to, I don't know, masturbate and watch TV and we're sweet. You know what? This sounds fucking great. What you're looking for is structure, Zammett.

What you're thinking of is structure. It's a strange change that came over Zammett. All of a sudden He started wearing hats and running for ages. Hey, something I'm scared about with the professional athlete angle is the rat doesn't know the limits of my body. No, he doesn't. I am going to have a heart attack. The rat

cannot feel your pain. All you can do is verbally communicate to it that you are in grave danger. And the rat does not speak English. The rat can't say anything to me. Oh, wait, are we dealing And the rat does not speak English. The rat can't say anything to me. Oh, wait. Are we dealing with the rat from Ratatouille who only speaks French?

No. Just in the movie, the rat can understand English. I see. But he cannot speak English. He just squeaks. Yes. I was thinking of, all right, then, the deal would be that I need to take some time to learn some meditative techniques so that I don't want to be present in my own body.

So whenever the rat is exercising and making me do deadlifts and running or whatever it is that we want, I guess we can't swim. Because he'll drown. You could do breaststroke, which would look, frankly, adorable.

That would roll. I don't know, disguise the rat by the use of a strategic shark fin. It's so funny to imagine a swimming cap, but a big squished rat, very visible. A little hole for his little nostrils. This is adorable. No, he'll snorkel. Hey, will Sam get kicked out of the Olympics

if they find out a rat did it. Is that like dope? So he's hiding a rat. Okay, what are the sports you get to in the Olympics with a rat on your head? Okay, fencing. I'll say. You can do that. Easy. Wrestling.

Perfect. Yes, suddenly you get dropped on your head. Oh no Dark red smear Oh my god he's bleeding Somehow he's much worse at wrestling I guess that makes sense after he Oh god no

Just getting ragdolled Weeping for your friend With I guess a broken neck at this point Yeah I guess Oh god broken neck at this point. Yeah, I guess. Oh, God. Okay, yeah, but there are very few Olympics, you're right, that come with it. Winter Olympics, though.

Winter Olympics. Cycling as well. That's true. Yeah, get him in the helmet. Winter Olympics, pretty much any sport is acceptable to wear a hat. I would say also archery, rifle shooting. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Triathlon.

Triathlon. Swimming, but that's fine. What I'm worried about with- Wait, wait. What's the one where it's like... Triathlon includes swimming. Oh, does it? Damn. What's the one where you're like skiing and shooting? Winter biathlon. Winter biathlon. The two sports of winter.

Transportation and settling feuds. We let them grow in the summer so we have something to do under winter's soft snow. I'm sure the rat would something to do under winter's soft snow. I'm sure the rat would love to be able to shoot a gun. Oh, it would be such a buzz. Exactly.

Holy shit. That's dangerous. The rat's going to be there and the rat's going to have a thought in the middle of the, like, why am I just shooting targets? And I'm like, good point, rat. Well, I assume you've been practicing on cats as we established before um you're like the clay pigeon now just like full of right away from the burrow yeah here is the second answer by the way for uh top 10 uh things children want to be when they grow up

don't know you're gonna get indecisive rats who are like, I just want to try. I just want to be a guy for a bit, see how that treats me. How long would it take for you to notice the rat was there? He's trying to be a guy and you're like, oh. Maybe the rat is what's making me depressed. I feel listless and like I don't really have anything that I'm working towards. My head's always so itchy. Yeah, like there's a rat on my head.

Would you, I think I'd tell people if a rat bonded to my, like I would let you know. If this was like a symbiote relationship. Yeah, I would come out and be like, hey, check it out. The rat's in control of my body from now on. I've given over to the rat. You're pointing to your head, but you wouldn't be able to do that. Oh, that's true.

Just so you know, babe, last week you were kissing the rat. You're pointing to your head but you wouldn't be able to do that. Oh, that's true. Just so you know, babe, last week you were kissing the rat. I could feel it, but it was the rat doing all the work. It's the rat's body now. I just want you all to know that. Whatever the rat wants, I want. I've decided. And now a quick word from our sponsors. Also, hey,

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then why not head to sanspantsradio.com and search for All The Small Games, our indie review podcast that's far better than it has any right to be. Wow, falling to the rats powerful, like, of of personalities a very funny thing to do i love the rat yeah you know it's pretty good the rat's gonna sort everything out for me i'll see you around and then i just leave man it would be so good to

have structure clear goals something to believe in in this case the rat yeah we are genuinely i think at any point we are like two mistakes away from joining a cult yeah i'm full into it that's all we want here it's something bigger than us to swear ourselves to but i'm almost like at the moment like yeah we'll stop recording i'll get it go out and i'll get ratted and it'll be great yeah oh wait the world doesn't work that way we're just gonna drop draw a brain slug on us. Yeah. Then you're all responsibility gone. It's the rat's fault now.

Because again, if the rat's on my head and I'm just like, it just wants to be a winter biathlon and now we have a goal. And it's just like, my thing's whatever. I don't have to achieve anything. I've got no worry or stress now because I'm like, yes, I had my own personal goals i say as i lie yeah um and now i'm just like was it hard to say goodbye to podcasting job oh yeah so as you get another gold medal oh man i miss it what do you okay here's something for

you guys sure what's stopping us from living like there's a rat on our heads right now? There's no rat on my head. What's stopping us from being our own rats? There's no rat. Is this becoming an inspirational story? Should we be each other's rats and clamber aboard each other's heads and guide us to be professional athletes and cooks? Yeah.

Just have someone text you. Have a friend, someone you trust, tell them your goals and then have them play you like a video game. Have them tell you, like a sim, no, it doesn't matter if you need to, any of these things, you are going to the gym. We are now entering a weird Dom-Sub relationship. Yeah, we're really swearing our lives to something, aren't we?

Absolutely. If you want to change the friend's name in the phone to Rat, just to help you with the transition, you know? If you want complete control over all my decisions, you have them. Man, this is depressing. How do we survive getting Ratatouille? It's slowly turned into, how do we survive being us? How do we find purpose in this useless life on this molten rock?

You kind of see that in the movie. Remy's life is a mess and then thanks to Ratatouille his life, he becomes someone. Actually, no, in the end he's just a waiter again. Forget I said anything. Because the rat's the one that wins. That's what

we've got to remember. The rat is winning the gold medals, not you You have not won shit I'm the body No, you're like a car Nobody's like, well done car in the F1 You won the race The driver's amazing

But the technology that went towards making this car It's fantastic That's the equivalent of after someone won the Olympics They went to congratulate their mom and dad and were just like, hey, just so you know, you slammed a good sperm into that wonderful egg. Congrats on putting that recipe together

because what you made was someone who's very good at shooting an arrow into a target. Speaking about F1, I think it was like maybe rally driving, but like there was, I forget which company it was, but they made, they designed a car that was too fucking good that they banned it the next year.

That rules. And so it's like, yes, you basically are thanking the car. And at this point, I am that sloppy rig. But in this case, a tight rig. I would say that if a rat got control of our body, we are not the end goal of the rat. They would use our body to get are not the end goal of the rat. They will use our body to get closer to someone much

more athletic. Fuck, I just realised I'm like, yeah, the moment... Guys, we are not the end goal here. They don't just settle on podcasts trying to like, now to take this dark horse to the Olympics. No! They're getting a 16-year-old. The rat is taking you to the gym and you're like,

yes, I'm going to get in shape. And then it just gets off your head. You're right. Some beefcake. As you hug a jock. We're all just very lazily sitting on a couch. But what am I meant to do? And a rat falls and we're like, ah, shit. Now we're the rats.

And then we're like, oh, we're going to the gym. And then whoop. Yeah. Hops onto some young, fit kid and you're like, ah, fuck. If a rat jumps onto us, we are being used either as a transport vector to a much more suitable host. Someone with a body that is capable of things other than podcasting. Absolutely. A hundred percent.

In that case, in what scenario would we be useful to the rat? Well, see, because you've both gone for goals that some rats will have, but not all rats will have. That's true. I think that the rat will use me for purely rat-based goals, and that I can achieve. Masticating food. Yes.

Making old garbage easier for the rats to consume. You have the vibe of someone who has access to cheese. Yeah, absolutely. If the rats don't want to eat a whole chunk i'll chew it and spit it into their mouths they need a whole dog i can do that we can dig a hole do they need me to disable rat traps that i can take care of as well that is where i think you have really come into your own is sliding any finger or toe into a rat trap to immediately disarm it. Ow!

You're welcome, rats. I keep telling you, I can just, I know how to pick it up and put it, ow! Why? I'm helping you. Hee, hee, hee. I think you just hate me. I can be warm for them at night. Yes. I'll just lie down and they'll curl up around my body in the abandoned house we live in.

Okay. I can keep away exterminators. At this point, are they even on your head? Wait, there hasn't been a rat on my head for years. Oh, the magic was inside him all along. He truly was a rat boy. Just so you know, there was a rat controlling you for two hours. You just fit that like a glove and you left everything.

To live in an abandoned building and warm up rats. You know that's what you've been doing for the last ten years. Oh, man. Yes. What else do rats- Gotta have goals. I can shred paper for nests for them. That's fine.

I think you would be useful at, I don't know, helping them spread diseases. If that's something they like, you could go into public and lick doorknobs. Take rats into places they're typically not meant to be. So like fancy restaurants or... Now there's a movie. A rat in a restaurant?

We're talking, Justin. I like it though, because it's kind of like a reverse Ratatouille. These rats don't care about the flavor. They just want the scraps. Do these rats also have the same lifespan as our regular rats? Because you're going to be passed on through generations of rats. I'm kind of like a rat butler. That's cool.

Yeah. That's all right. Oh, Madame is pregnant again. I look forward to surfing your children When you die in a day I can't wait to take care of your litter And their litter after them And their litter after them

And then for it to be Saturday That's gonna roll You could be like the oral historian I can tell you the history of the rats You were born, then you fucked Ate some of the cheese and lettuce Out of my mouth Now children, children, come play in my mouth

Where it is wet and safe Just a mouthful of rat babies Is so disgusting Oh, you're unlearning your gag reflex You're losing your gag reflex To provide them with a fun slide. I'll swallow the rats and then vomit them right back up. Just for them.

Just for the rats. Hey, if one rat's on my head and controlling me, what if there are rats all over my body biting into me and pulling on my ears? Are they all in control or are they fighting for control? I feel... Okay. I feel like with a sufficiently big person, for example, The Rock,

obviously the biggest person any of us know. Yeah. I believe that you would need multiple rats to control him. You would need some kind of, you know, a spread out system. There's too much muscle there to be triggered by a single rat.

Absolutely. Also, there's no hair to grab. That's true. So you would just be manipulating, digging yourself directly into the scalp. So he would have one on each shoulder. Are we talking like Voltron situation? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. It is. One on the stomach, one on the head, one on each shoulder, one on each hip. Right? That's how

we're imagining it? That's how I believe so. And it's a coordinated effort. And those rats all collectively wanted to be a movie star and a wrestler. Before that, The Rock was a nobody. I like the idea of all, was it 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, all 6 rats on their head but each one has a different

responsibility. Imagine if you could get those rats to look like hair it's nobody's any the wiser. Oh, Dwayne, I love your new Ratsuit Squeaking, oily wig God, I love that Big fur

It's amazing how writhy your hair is Are you bleeding? Mr. The Rock Mr. Johnson, I love your six-hour Gym Instagram lives May I compliment you on how loud Your hair is recently? Because if they're biting it,

it's just going to be little trickles of blood. So I think that he requires multiple rats. I think that one of us can be controlled by a single rat. Or half a rat, really. You could have them. Listen, you don't need much. Jackson had a rat on him for two hours. I was like, this is me.

It's left a lasting impression. Yeah. I found my calling. Hey, will I die from disease? Oh, yes. Oh, Christ. Yes, Jackson. What a heartbeat.

All I guess I'm eating as well is what masticated food I accidentally swallowed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A life of garbage and warming rats is really no life at all. You are the rare dumpster diver who becomes the dumpster they die. All you do is hold it and carry it back to your master. And then the rats are probably going to be shitting in your mouth. Oh, 100%. Oh, yeah, I'm sick.

Well, certainly from joy from going down that wonderful slide. I like to think it's... When you die, the rats will eat my body. Well, no! Could they just use your body as a... As it rots? Absolutely. Because they use a sleeping Yeah! Remy.

Linguini, yeah. Oh, whoa. So they could just control your dead body. In fact, it would be almost cleverer for the rats to slit my throat so that I didn't fight back, sew it up with their little rat fingers or whatever, and then control me as I slowly rot. You know.

Kind of repeat that cycle. It's great to imagine me coming in here, slamming around, just collecting all of the food from the fridge, sitting down, eyes one open, one shut, and you're like, are you rats, Jackson? Jackson, you gotta be honest with us. Rats operate on cop rules. Are you rats right now?

Be real with me. Be real with me, bro. You know you can open up with me. No, I am normal squeak Jackson. I am man. Where are you, cheese? Where go bad? I may take garbage.

Now, more hat for Dacon. I think that, yeah, the ratatouille-ing would be truly harrowing. I think I would be able to survive if the rat had a sufficient, like, death of ambition. I would comfortably be its garbage servant. I think in a situation where the rat was, you know,

wanting to run a restaurant or something, I don't know if I'm physically gifted for that. I liked your timeshare situation. You know, you give the rat, does the rat get you as you sleep? Or do you just check out and never sleep? I just realized that what I'm describing is Fight Club but rats.

Yes, you are. Hell yeah, Fight Club but rats. That's amazing. It's just amazing to imagine what's his face on the plane and looking over at it instead of Tyler Durden. It's rats. Yeah, it's just rats. That's amazing. It's just amazing to imagine what's his face on the plane and looking over and instead of Tyler Durdon, it's rats. Yeah, it's just rats. I've been rats the whole time. Oh my god. I was rats. I think that

a timeshare would be ideal. I would personally try and negotiate that. So I take care of my business during the day. During the night, I'm the rats. As long as it gets me home by the curfew, that's fine. Nighttime is rat time. Would you

sleep or would you knock yourself out? Would it be like, time to go to bed? Because otherwise you're getting no rest. You're right. You'll be haggard from the rats. I also like the fact that the rats are using you during the nighttime and none of us know what they're doing is so ominous. Yeah, you're right.

It's very bad. But the cops might just want to knock on your door and be like, you're coming with us and you'll find out that as rats, you've been smuggling something. I know that I just brought up Fight Club, but the thing that I think of is rats separately piloting our comatose bodies to a parking lot

in the middle of the night and having us swing drunkenly at each other like rock-em-em sock'em robots. Fuck. That's amazing. Oh, good. Kind of like used for their entertainment. Yeah, exactly. Or like making,

I don't know, red versus blue, but with our bodies. Like rooster teething back and forth. Having our heads just go, uh-uh. Creating rat drama for each other to amuse themselves they put on little plays yeah we're just subject for a short film well but i think it's likelier that i'm doing stuff that i really don't want to hear about like i'm coming back with marks on my

body that i'm like i could guess but i'm not going to imagine i'm about to get a big rat tattoo on the front of you like some kind of rat crime gang is is happening that you're running but you just don't know well there's one of the like what what is the children to be and it was an actor yes so if any of the um the rats have the ambition to be a thespian but can the rats make us talk because the rat could make me talk but i assume that was like pulling one bit of hair that makes me just open my mouth and blow or something that i like the idea yeah, that's a rat living in your throat, blowing through your vocal folds like a duck caller. Hey, Jackson, how you doing?

Just playing you like a brass instrument. You good? Thumbs up. He's doing fine. He's doing good. Hey, this guy's cool did Jackson get cool damn he just dabbed

he's alright man Jackson he's improved it's great to imagine all of these rats using us for these various things but still getting us together to fight in a parking lot that's scary because you're ripped that's true. Sam wins every fight.

Again, I think I'd survive quite well if I had an equally ambitious kind of rat. Because I'd be like, alright, how do you want to do this? Alright, let's do this then. Alright, fine. It'd be nice to kind of bounce off each other. They'd be like, well, alright, the best way to do this is by doing

this. And he'd be like, no, no, no, this. I'm like, all right, that's a good idea. Yeah, you ended up somehow with a very good rat symbiosis. I don't know how you manage that. Again, it comes down to bargaining and communicating with said rat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And if they're like, we've got to do this, I'm like, if that's your goal, that's fine.

Because, like, okay, I feel like their goal of becoming a winter biathlon is a lot more noble than mine so i'm like yeah you're fair yeah that's fair i feel like all i will come to is basically being used in a demolition derby they're just gonna mash my soft body into another one until something in us ruptures how fucking terrifying to like like you're in like an underground fighting ring someone punches you in the head and knocks your hat and rat off. And that's when you come to. Oh, no.

Like, where have the rats taken me? And then you've got to fight your way out. Your first moment of consciousness is seeing the nunchucks flicker back into your opponent's hand. Watching a rat piss off. Back to coward. You got me into this situation. Everyone chanting your name. You don't know how long you've

been out for right man right yeah your name i know that's your moniker in the fighting circles yeah i would want the rat it's also good to imagine the rat scampering away and you're grabbing it by its tail and slamming it back on your head. No, you don't. Get me out of this one, rat. Don't you dare make me have control again. Yeah, because if this is an ambitious rat, I think I would just succumb. Like, I just feel like I would try and learn some meditative techniques, maybe some breathing techniques to kind of be able to shut myself down

and separate mind from body. Yeah. And if I can do that, sweet. And it'll give the rat presumably more power over you because you're not trying to preempt its actions. You're not like, oh, it wants me to chop the onions, but it doesn't really. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm just going to like, whatever. The rat is, whatever. I am now just a kind of floating consciousness. That's what you've decided. Yeah. You're a vessel for the rat. Exactly. In a way, we've all become vessels for the rat, I noticed.

Certainly we're all vessels for the rat. No one's denying that. No one's speaking out of turn when we say, yes, I'm a vessel for the rat. You're a vessel for the rat. He's a vessel for the rat. I feel like I'm perhaps more a vessel for the rat, given that I'm dead.

You're more like a home. You are just rat. I am no longer a vassal. Yeah, I don't know what you've become, Jack, but it's like a home, a house. You've got the worst ending of all of us, I feel. I don't know. I feel like I've contributed in a larger way. Yeah, I don't know. I feel like I've contributed in a larger way. Yeah, I guess.

I just feel like there's going to be like a hundred rats wearing your skin. That's kind of how I imagined it ending. And that's fine. And on that note, I've been Jackson Bailey. I've been Tom Walker. I've been Joel Zammett. We're all vessels to the rat. Vessels to the rat.

Hope you are too. Thanks for listening and if you want to follow us on Twitter you can find us at Sandspants Radio or you can find us individually. I'm at Douche13. I'm at OldDogsOfDead. And I'm at GodDammitZammett. If you want to hear our other shows you can head to SandspantsRadio.com and you'll find all our other content there. There's heaps!

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