Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Survive Hamlet? (Ft. Dave Warneke)

Episode Date: March 31, 2019

Where are joined by good friend Dave Warneke to ask the hard hitting question like How Would You Survive Hamlet?Sign up to our newsletter here; http://eepurl.com/cM3in9Join our facebook group here; https://www.facebook.com/groups/535280830149669/Check out our upcoming lives shows right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/Watch us stream here; https://www.twitch.tv/sanspantsradioYou can now physically send us stuff to PO BOX 7127, Reservoir East, Victoria, 3073Theme music by the wonderfully talented Benny Davis! You can find all his stuff at his website https://bennydavismusic.com or check out his YouTube https://youtube.com/bennythejukeboxWant to help support the show?Sanspants+: https://sanspantsplus.comPodkeep: https://sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: https://audiobooksontape.comMerch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail]: https://twitter.com/sanspantsradioWebsite: http://www.sanspantsradio.comFacebook: https://facebook.com/SanspantsRadioReddit: https://reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Jackson: https://twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadDuscher: https://twitter.com/dusch13Zammit: https://twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sants Pants Radio, what's the worst that could happen? will be joined by the phenomenal Josh Earle and Danielle Walker. And then, for the final week on the 20th, Adam Cannavale and Cass Page will be joined by Troublemakers Tom Walker and Demi Lardner. If you want to see any or all of these shows, then head to the Melbourne International Comedy Festival website or to our own website, sanspenseradio.com forward slash live, and grab your tickets today. Hey everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the

important questions like, how would you survive being Hamlet? Right. We're all Hamlet? Yes, so we are the boy Hamlet. Okay. We have had word, our father's dead. Oh, my dad too? He's our dad, Dave.

He's our dad. He named us all Hamlet. I thought we were all one person. The brothers for Hamlet. Okay. Their dad, dead Uncle married their mum Oh weird

What's his name? Claudius Uncle Claudy Uncle Father Claude Daddy Claude I hate this man Anyway, father's ghost has been sighted We go talk to him

Dad's like, your uncle killed me What's our plan? Is mum happy? I hate this man. Anyway, father's ghost has been sighted. We go talk to him. Dad's like, your uncle killed me. What's our plan? Is mom happy? Sort of. She's not getting it? Yeah. Oh, they are definitely getting it on. And they have married within a couple of weeks of our dad being murdered.

Maybe this is fine. I mean, mom's in on this. She doesn't know he was murdered. And the ghost has specifically said, your mom is not in on this. She doesn't know he was murdered. And the ghost has specifically said, your mum is not in on this. Don't punish her. What kind of dad was dad? He was a king, dad.

How's Claudius treating me? Uncle seems... Uncle, not super fond, but also doesn't hate you. That's alright. What was dad like? Dad's good, but dead. Yeah, I'm not asking him if he's alright. What was Dad like? Dad's good but dead. Yeah, I'm not asking him when he's dead. It's rough that he's killed Dad

to fuck Mark. That is rough but honestly... That's weird. Dad's not going to live forever. You're fond of Dad. You're very fond of Dad. I like Dad. We're depressed. We're very depressed. Because Dad's gone. I loved Dad. We were all dad's favourite son

Our uncle said Hey Your dad's died And his dad also died So And do you see them Caring about it No

They're dead Get over it And we Don't respond well to that Yeah so we're depressed That dad is dead And we were quite fond of dad And dad is like

Yeah I've been killed by uncle So he can fuck Mum. Hey, Dad, what's the afterlife like? What? Also, sometimes Dad from offstage yells, Avenge! Avenge! Shut up! I would assume I was going through a psychosis

and trying to deal with the death of my dear, beloved Papa. I'd say what other ghosts I could find. Yeah. I might try and go find other ghosts or just assume this is a psychotic break. No, I'm going to see what other ghosts surround. That's what I'm doing in the castle. Forgetting Dad's quest. Okay. So we'll fast forward a bit.

No other ghosts. I come back to the three of you. There are no other ghosts. We've gone for like a six year quest. It turns out there's no other ghosts. We've gone for like a six-year quest. It turns out there's no other ghosts out there. I'm dead because I just did exactly the same thing that Hamlet did. What happened to Dusha? Sorry, Hamlet.

Hamlet 2. Can I throw stuff at the ghost? Does he shut up? No. What if I put my fingers in my ears? Yeah, you can do... All right, we're going to have to fast-forward the plot because if you're rebelling straight against the ghost... I'm just like, what does he want from me?

Mum's happy, Dad. But she's not. Why is she not happy? Her husband just died. Yeah, but she was real quick to remarry. Yeah, but the problem is it was these... I'm going to do it and then I'm just going to see if Mum's like, I'm cool with it still.

Yeah. I'm going to find it and then I'm just going to see if mum's like I'm cool with it still yeah like I'm going to go I'm going to find out if it's true I'm going to go and invite mum out for some coffee and then have a lovely girls night out

with my mum and then be like so mum how's daddy Claude you know treating you okay

the answer that kind of happens a bit okay so I think there's a possibility I don't want to play devil's advocate here Yeah

That this ghost may be the devil Tricking us into hating our uncle Yeah Maybe dad just died of natural causes Yeah what if dad died of natural causes What did the doctor say This is a Satan Does anyone remember

Yeah No one knows what happened to dad The doctor said the king is dead So he'd know Yeah Where's dad's body? Are we buried in a crypt? To dad's grave!

Let's dig up daddy! Yeah, we should dig up dad to see if he's still there. That's a good plan. Let's go dig up dad. Wait, quick recap. So, father ghost has visited us. Jackson's fucked off to see if he can find other ghosts.

Doesn't care about his dead dad. I put my fingers in my ears and went la la la la la la la for a while. Because I didn't want to hear him yelling about Avenge Me. I've got my own shit on. That's later on and your own shit is being sad that he's dead. That's your shit. So now he's alive.

I don't need a ghost to tell me I'm sad. I'm sad. Dad's always cramping my style. Let me mourn how I want to mourn, Dad. Alright, so me and Dave, I guess... Is nothing I do good enough? Dave wants to go to the crypt, too. No, but you're not at the crypt. Oh, you've changed your mind. I came back. There were no

ghosts. Alright, we've gone to the crypt. You can do whatever you want. You probably didn't hear that we're going to the crypt. Fine, we'll all go to the crypt. Three out of four. Say go to the crypt. We're going to the crypt. Push it over. Oh no no there's dad's body I'm sad now this was more traumatic than I thought

oh god his face has been eaten yeah I'm gonna pick up his skull wait oh man last poor dad I knew him so well

they're putting him back that's funny that's Hamlet reference um what if we turn him on his side and liquid came out of his ear and we don't touch that

his brain's coming out if you were told that your dad was killed by poison being poured in his ear would you not want to tip always did dad was dead clear about that yes dad was clear that i thought dad was just like oh i got killed no dad was like waltz i was napping your uncle poured poison in my ear how'd you know you were napping because he woke up classic dad loved it okay if you were asleep and someone poured stuff in jackson you're not allowed to answer this uh fun fact for both you dave and for the listeners just in case i haven't shared this before once when we were on tour um we were staying in a room to never enough beds so jackson was sleeping on a mattress on the floor and in the middle of the night my phone was over near where he was sleeping and i kind of tripped over his

shit because jackson's not a tidy man you're a messy boy and i tripped over one of his jackets and stood on his head and he didn't wake up no way yeah once i was at a friend's house and my alarm for some reason went off at 6 a.m my friend was full kicking me in the head to try to wake me up and I just didn't Jack has this lovely thing where he'll set a random alarm at any point in time and he won't hear it and I will several walls

away how do you get yourself up if you need to get up heaps of alarms just heaps and heaps of alarms. Often if I can have my phone, but also an alarm clock, that works in alternating times. Oh, right. Like you'd have to set up some contraption wherever you don't wake up.

Like a drill will start going into your world. I would love that. I would love something that woke me up by splashing water on my face. And just the hope that that would wake me up. Well, when you had a job where you had to wake up early in the morning you couldn't go to bed the night before you had to sleep on the couch yeah otherwise if i went to bed i'd be too comfy to get out yeah but if i slept on the couch it was uncomfortable enough that i was having a bad enough sleep that i'd wake up that sounds like a horrible life all right so dad's ghost is like while i was napping Or maybe Satan While dad I was napping

Dear my brother His brother or mum's brother Wait what is this His brother My brother I'm the ghost My brother Claudius

Poisoned me And now he's banging your mum And is the king Okay so if we tip over dad's body And poison falls out I'm like How do we know it's poison And not just liquid brain

How long's dad been dead for I taste some Like he's been dead like a month. That could just be brain. I don't even know if it would be brain at this point. I imagine we tip him over and nothing comes out. Either just liquid, like just bits of decomposed body. Depends what the poison is, though.

Yeah, that's true. Because the poison might outlast a decomposing body. But I just wouldn't be able to tell the difference. No, but you'd be curious, and if liquid came out, you, Zammett, you can wait outside, I guess, because you're just wouldn't be able to tell the difference. No, but you'd be curious and if liquid came out, you, Zammett, you can wait outside, I guess, because you're just going to be like, no!

No, I'm there. I'm just being like, we don't know unless, like, look, unless Jackson Hamlet tastes it, I don't know if it's poison or not. What if it was something like Dr. Pepper or something?

I'll have a lick. Yeah. How deadly is this poison? Ow! Did it take... Jackson doesn't survive this. Now we're down to three Hamlets. I die and become a ghost. Wow, we're down to three, alright.

Avenge me! Shut up. We're on another quest. We'll get to you later. How do I avenge you? We gotta kill Claudius. Claude, Claude. Daddy Claude. He put the poison there for me to lick. But who told you to lick it? One of you.

Me. I said I would. I didn't say him to lick it. I just said I don't know if it's poison or not. He did want me to lick it. Yeah, he did want him to lick it. Kill him after you find out if Claudius did it. Alright, we'll deal with that first.

We've got to avenge. See ya. Alright, so Jackson would not survive Hamlet. That's the answer there. I ate the poison so quickly. Next step. We know he's been poisoned. All right.

Because I think if I was thinking about this, and my first go-to would be like, I'm going to try and visit the king's grave, and that's sad, and I don't want to see my father like that, but also I'd be curious. Yeah. I guess I'd go very CSI,

which is uncharacteristically of Hamlet. But also... Let's just get to a montage of you getting his fingerprints. But I'm just thinking that in Hamlet, Hamlet acts crazy, and I feel like that if I went full CSI, I might accidentally be following exactly the same path. But now that we have the dead body of Hamlet IV

and poison dribbling out of Dad's ear, I'm going to Mum. Yeah, you've got to chat to Mum at some point. But what if Mum won't believe us? Mum, Jackson IV, sorry, Hamlet IV is dead. Jackson IV. Well, in Hamlet, Hamlet does go to Mum and Mum's just like... Yeah, but we've got proof now, Mumma. Her boy died. Her boy died.

Her boy died. Avenge me. And while we're talking to Mum, if there was someone hiding behind the curtain listening on, if you heard a noise, would you stab the curtain? No. Without checking who it was? No.

Yes, but I'm a ghost. Ghost of Hamlet 4 has now stabbed a man through a curtain and it turns out to be whoops the king's royal advisor Polonius Polonius I'm sorry I'm a ghost whoops you gotta forgive me

how would we all get hung for that because we wouldn't be able to explain that you did it Jackson's killed us all I'll just appear as a ghost in court fucking appear as a ghost the weird thing about the world of Hamlet is I'll just appear as a ghost in court. Fucking appear as a ghost, whatever. The weird thing about the world of Hamlet is our dad does visit us while we're trying to talk to mum. And we can see him, but mum can't.

Oh, no. So, mum sees us talking to dad, who's not actually there to her. We look a little crazy. And now we're also talking to our dead brother that she probably doesn't know exists because we're actually one person. I'd be like, okay. Good point. Mum, what's a question that you could ask Dad that only you and Dad would know?

Good plan. Yeah, why not ask that question? What if it was something really kinky and sexual? That's fine. I'm fine to know about Mum getting finger blasted or whatever. It's alright. Dad loved getting grim. Mum, what makes you come? Just curious. I should not be the one who have said that

sentence in a podcast. Let me just ask dad whilst Polonius bleeds to death in the corner. Oh yeah. Holy shit, guys. My bad. Who gave you a sword? I picked one up. I found one.

Yeah, so I'd be asking a question we could ask dear dead dad, and so we could know if it is actually dad or a sneaky Satan. But would Satan also know the answer? It's a skinky sex stuff, definitely. Satan loves that shit. Maybe we should try and get a confession out of Claudius himself, the king. Am I right? Yeah.

I mean, that's pretty good. Good idea. All right. We kidnap him and torture him, yeah? But what if he didn't do it? Oh, we've just tortured a king. Whoops. Hey, I'm really sorry.

There's a ghost that you can't see. I swear. So I'm going to get a car battery. I'm really sorry about your balls. Surely that'll heal. Also, time travel's real. Yeah. So this is a car battery.

A horse battery then. God. That's just a horse kicking Claudius in the balls. Or you just tie a horse to his balls and let it run. Hey, did you kill Dad? Oh, no. Oh, I just committed regicide. Wow, his balls ripped off a lot easier than I thought it would

Does Claudius have kids? No he won't now You're basically He's trying to call you his son Trying to call us his son Well you just tore his balls Alas because of castrating Claudius You are beheaded in the damn square

Yeah you're down to two Hamlets. Hamlet three did not survive Hamlet. Well, it's just the douche and myself left. It's Hamlet one and two. They got progressively worse, the Hamlets, as time went on. Hi, Hamlet four. I guess we avenged your death. Did you?

I don't know if his balls had anything to do with me tasting that poison for no reason Yeah, but I'm dead now Oh yeah, sweet Well you guys get to hang out in ghost heaven and now we have to avenge Hamlet 3 I'm also being like Avenge me Avenge, avenge

Killed by the hangman By the executioner You gotta fucking kill that executioner Hang on By the executioner? You've got to fucking kill that executioner. Hey, but he did his... Hang on. After his balls are torn up, is he still alive? Yeah. Yeah, he's just really pissed off.

He's just very mad at Hamlet 3. But to be honest, somehow we tortured him that badly and still didn't get a confession. So we don't know if he did it. Is it still the devil tricking us? Because it'd be pretty clever of the devil to make us kill two out of four of ourselves and ruin the king's balls. That's a great trick.

The greatest trick that I've ever played. Was ruining the king's balls with a horse. Well, it's pretty clear why you didn't get a confession. Because all Zamba did was tie a rope around his balls and then slap the horse in the arm. Yeah, confess. Confess! And then... That's so funny.

No one asked him a question. Oh. All right. Maybe, what if we ask our on again, off again little bit crazy girlfriend Ophelia. Ah, yeah.

Forgot about her. She'll probably gall her off. Who is also Polonius' daughter. We killed her dad by stabbing him through a curtain.

Might leave that one to life. We just say that. Does she know we killed him? Well, you didn't. I did.

Oh, yeah, Jackson did. She doesn't know that Hamlet 4 killed him but You didn't, I did. She doesn't know that Hamlet 4 killed him, but she does know that he's dead, and she's gotten a little cuckoo from it. Also, we've been telling her that we don't love her, even though we do. Why are we doing that? You guys playing hard to get? You guys playing silly buggers?

We're playing hard to get, but also pretending to be a little bit crazy. So we can get away with tearing off the king's balls. Which didn't go super well. We're pleading insanity. Okay. And that's now kind of turned our girlfriend a bit insane. What do you think we should do?

We should probably apologize. Okay. But probably not confess to the killing. Okay, so we'll apologize. Let's go around to her place. Uh-oh. She's dead. She drowned herself.

She drowned. Oh, that's rough. Possibly by accident accident possibly on purpose that sucks oh hey you're here she gets to hang out with Hamlet 3 and Hamlet 4 hey we were dating yeah we were the worst parts of Hamlet

or versions of Hamlet I'm not clear what's happening or the best parts of Hamlet we were either the best sections of his personality or quintuplets. Quintuplets? Hamlet 5 died earlier in an unrelated incident. Also horse related.

Also bald related. Maybe we could ask our old school chums, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. What do you think? Yeah, what are we asking them? Hey, do you reckon our uncle killed our dad? Yeah. Hey, old school.

What up? You know what? No. I like it. Good. Hey, school chums. Hey, what up? How are you guys going?

Pretty good. All right. That's good. I just wanted to catch up. I've had some rough times, so it's just nice to see some friends. I heard the king's balls got taken by a horse. But they got the guy I heard

yeah about that that was kind of me oh my god just kidding they got the guy anyway yeah it's just been a real rough time

my dad's dead my uncle's got no balls so my mom's unhappy because he can't can't fuck anymore well yeah he's got no balls he just can't cum

yeah and like it's a fresh wound so he probably shouldn't he can't fuck anymore. Well, yeah, he's got no balls. He just can't cum. Yeah. And like, it's a fresh wound, so he probably shouldn't. He can go all night. Fairly think it's made him a better lover. I don't know. Just give him a month or two while the wound heals.

It made him an even better king as well. He feels a lot more sympathy for the eunuchs now. Yeah, exactly. Do you know how happy the eunuchs are, dude? Yeah, finally they've got representation. It's a royalty. Exactly, it's fashionable now. Yeah, exactly. Do you know how happy the eunuchs are, dude? Yeah, finally they've got representation for royalty. Exactly, it's fashionable now. We're all doing it. We're all cutting off our balls with a horse. I haven't had balls for like

a week. How long did it happen? I'm a trendsetter. I'm ahead of the curve. Rosencrantz and Guildenstein are ball-less. Yeah. Before we carry on, though, here's a quick word from our sponsor.

And also, a little reminder to everybody listening that this Saturday, I'm gonna be hosting Big Deal, a frightening game show at the Coopers Inn. And if you wanna see that shit, you better head to our website, sanspantsradio.com forward slash live, and grab your tickets today. And also, if you wanna bear witness to something

truly incredible, then head to audiobooksontape.com and grab your tickets today. And also, if you want to bear witness to something truly incredible, then head to audiobooksontape.com and grab yourself a USB cassette of BigSuffTitty.png's very first year as a podcast. Once again, that's audiobooksontape.com Another chum that we could ask is our actual close friend, Horatio. Oh yeah, we haven't spoken to him all day.

Rude that we weren't your actual close friend. Horatio is actually someone we actually have already told about. So he knows. Okay. He's the only one who knows. Does he know that Hamlet is seeing ghosts? Yeah, because he saw the ghost as well.

Hey, what up? What was his name? Horatio. What up, Horatio? He can now talk to you. Yeah, well, I'm a ghost and he can see. Oh, right, of course. Yeah.

Hey, we're alive but not. Do you know where Dad is? Yeah. Why am we're alive but not. Do you know where Dad is? Yeah. Why am I Horatio? If you could see us, why didn't we go to you first? Yeah, you seem like you've got a better head on your shoulders. So your plan is now to die and then go speak to Horatio. Oh, no, we're already dead.

I'm here anyway. I don't know how to pass on. So what are you saying to Horatio? I'll be Horatio. Horatio, who killed Dad? I don't know. The ghost of your father wouldn't saying to Horatio? I'll be Horatio. Horatio, who killed Dad? I don't know. The ghost of your father wouldn't speak to me. Nah.

Alright, see? Well, if you're in the room where Hamlet are speaking to dead Dad, do you see him still? I can see your father, but he refuses to speak while I'm in the room. Why? That's sus, Dad. Hang on, give me a sec. Hey, Dad. Why?

What the fuck? He's trustworthy. Just silence. I just never liked him. I just didn't like his smell. Why don't you like my friends? Look, he smelled bad. It's probably good if you don't know.

Okay. Why Dad's not interested. Hey, if you see Horatio, tell him he's a prick. Hey, Horatio. Yeah. This is from Dad. I'm sorry I've never been flipped off by a ghost before

Dad hates my friends Even after he's dead he's trying to tell me what to do I don't like mine I don't know if I like dad Well the good thing is Both Dusha Hamlet 1 and 2 Hamlet 1 and 2

We exist in the mortal plane where dad no longer exists you guys however are ghosts with dad is dad just constantly breaking our balls feel like you didn't avenge me properly

you don't know how to chop wood you died you ate the poison you were the worst Hamlet I at least got your brother's balls off okay so

it gets to the part where look I would not put on a play. Oh, we could. All right, well, basically, this is my theory. I think because some actors are coming to town, that we should ask them to put on a play that might make our uncle admit that he killed our dad. What do you think? It's worth a shot.

It's a play that everyone already knows called The Murder of Gonzaga. Seriously. Dude, I fucking love that play. Is that where Uncle Claude got the idea from? Is that that play where Gonzaga gets murdered? Yeah, it's so good. I mean, you'll never see it coming in the fourth act. I reckon

that I'll write in my own little bits because I've always wanted to be a bit of a dramatist. I've always had a flair for writing. A bit of poetry. I could write in some own little bits because I've always wanted to be a bit of a dramatist. I've always had a flair for writing. A bit of poetry. I could write in some bits and include a bit of poison in the ear and then we'll just look at our uncle and see what he does. How about, okay, so I'm very much not on board, but there is two of us. So maybe I'll sit in the crowd with uncle.

You sit right next to him looking at his eyes. And I'll sit backstage and make sure that these dancers stay in fucking line. Yeah. Yeah. Perfect. Question. Is there cops? There's knights. There's guards.

Is there a town guard? Why don't we go to the town guard? Because it's the king. Hey, beheaded idiot. Yeah. You want everyone to be beheaded? Yeah. Maybe.

Hello, king. I ate poison and I'm cleverer than you. If everyone's beheaded, no one's beheaded. King, I'm afraid I'm going to have to put you under arrest. He just starts laughing. Is there like a sheriff? That doesn't make sense. Pass on.

Go to heaven. No. All right, let's put on this little play. Look, I don't think it's a good idea. Yes, it's definitely not my idea, but I don't want to shit on your dreams, Hamlet 1, so I will sit with Uncle.

Thank you. Does Uncle have one of those cushions that's like a donut so his wound doesn't... Yeah, he's got a hemorrhoid cushion. Yeah, poor Uncle. Poor Uncle. Okay, so... We're at the theatre and, oh, wow, what a fantastic piece of work. Thank you so much Poor Uncle Poor Uncle Okay so Alright we're at the theatre

And oh Wow what a fantastic Piece of work Thank you so much I wrote this But um Well done Appreciate that

What a play Thank you I like the original one I'm a pretty big fan But this is alright I don't like the changes Made to Gonzaco's character Guys

Come on I made it more realistic And also I put them in military uniforms Everyone does At high school Shakespeare. Can we get to the bit where the poison is poured in the ear? Yeah, of course. Wow.

What a piece of drama. I look at Uncle. Uncle. Stroppy. All right. How did he react? How did he react? He's not happy.

He's like, first you rip off my balls And now you make me watch such tripe In the play can maybe you put in a scene Where one of the murderer gets his balls ripped off by the horse Just a real hammer home that point A pantomime horse comes on stage Like streaming blood I forgot to say

I don't trust anyone to act my words Other than myself So I played the role of the guy with the poison port in his ear Because I'm I love realism so much I use real poison And I'm afraid I have also died So we're down to one Hamlet

Who was in the crowd with Uncle Hamlet wine was a very good method, actually. It's great if every other liquid has been like stage liquid or whatever and then you're just looking at it like, wait, wait, wait. Oh, hang on. But I was so into the role, I'm pretending to be napping. I will not be waking up. I will wake to nothing.

I'm watching from the crowd. I have to wage war on theatre now as well. You still haven't killed the hangman. Come on, Hamlet 2. That's why you won't pass over. Come on, avenge me, dickhead. I haven't passed over because I don't know how. Two out of three dead Hamlets have happened because of poison that was so easy to avoid.

Mate, you're not an artist, all right? Yeah, you don't know theatre. You don't get it. Hamlet 2. You don't get it. You don't get getting down and licking the poison out of your dad's ear. Yeah. To see what it was. So, as the only Hamlet left, I guess Uncle reacts differently now because there's been a suicide on stage. There's a lot of dead boys, yes.

Well, because you're not pouring poison in your own ear which means that technically there's been a murder on stage yeah yeah you gotta kill that guy sadly that actor has also been hanged whoops

sorry about that I made you avenged yourself yeah I made him murder me and then I avenged him yeah that's pretty good

that's awesome does that also redeem the hangman from before cause he hung the right man you gotta just shoot him with a crossbow after you saw this out. Solve this murder first. Do you reckon King Claudius did it? Yeah.

What do you think? He's asking Sass or he could just be his wound open and he needs to get out of the room real quick. He's been angry and quite moody recently. He did not like the pantomime horse. He did not like watching the tragedy that happened to his body mocked on the stage. Followed by a murder. Like, to be honest.

Actually, he wouldn't see the murder. He'd leave when the balls got ripped off. Yeah, that's true. He'd be like, this is disgusting. To be honest, if we're already mocking the king for losing his balls in a horse-related incident, no matter what kind of power this king has, he's lost the power of the people.

That's true. There is no respect for this king. We've ruined his reign. Old horse balls. Old horse balls the first. About loaded. That'd be the first and only, mate. Good luck reproducing, am I right?

So yeah, look Mission success Is that what you wanted, Dad? No, because we were meant to leave Mom out of it But we've tarnished her name as well How have we tarnished her name? She's the queen No, I'm on his side You're an idiot, pass over

She can get it annulled Because now they can't have kids Because he's got no balls She's the idiot who married horse balls She was married to horse balls before When he was just balls Queen cannot divorce the king Queen can move on

Go to heaven I thought I was the dumbest Hamlet I think itest Hamlet. I think it's Hamlet 3. And I ate poison out of my dad's ear. Go to front court. Yeah. Yeah, I'd be like, hey, uncle, dad, fuck, wit, whatever your name is.

Yeah. You killed my father. Prepare to die. Yeah. Does he admit it? Or is he just like, my balls. I had phantom pain when my balls used to die. Yeah. Does he admit it? Or is he just like, my balls. I had phantom pain when my balls used to be. I think at that point, so much stuff would have happened that he just cracked the shit.

Like, yes, I did it. Fuck off. In a way, that was the best plan of all. Wow. Annoyed him into submission, basically. You know what did that? My aunt. Yeah.

So, thank you. You know what also did that? My art. Yeah. So thank you. You know what also did that? The lack of balls. Yeah, that's right. I did. That festering pain in his scrotum where his scrotum used to be. I didn't contribute.

You figured out the poison actually happened. That's true. Yeah, you're welcome. That is, thank you. That's when it wasn't Satan. But then a real spanner in the works here.

Laertes, who is Polonius, the guy that we accidentally killed's son, comes to town and he wants revenge. So he's challenged Hamlet too, to a duel. Fine! Have I killed Claudius? No, now Claudius knows that you know

that he's a killer. What he's done is he's given Laertes a better sword than you and put poison on the sword. And just in case, if you win the duel He's given you a cup of poison So you would cheers him and drink So he's covered all bases here

Quickly switch the drinks Quickly dude, eat the poison For the last month Just been consuming little bits of poison So you're immune And stab yourself a little each day So so you're immune to stabbing. Well, see, the thing is, I don't know that the poison is involved. Sorry.

Should have told you. We should have warned you, but really. We were watching. We spent too much time squabbling amongst our dead cells. Yeah. We were arguing about who was the most stupid. Yeah. Joe, you are.

No, I am. Yeah, exactly. That's what we said. Joe, you have to. Actually, no, because Uncle comes to town. Uncle. No I am That's what we said Actually no Because uncle comes to town Son of Ophelia's brother right

Yes which is Laertes and Plinius' son Yeah Laertes comes to town and be like look It was an accident I don't accept your duel because I don't know But Claudius killed my father So should we kill him first Then we'll sort this out

I totally understand My dad was killed too That was a mistake We'll duel later Absolutely, but first can we get revenge on Mike Put a pin in that duel No, we must duel now Why?

Because, I mean, that's your beef. He's already here. He's travelled so far. I've got a better sword than you. I might finally win something, okay? You've got a better sword than me. No! Let's use two new swords. It doesn't have poison on it. Let's use two new swords. Lick it to find out.

Oh, shit. Our mum's just drunk the poison by accident Now the queen's dying Shit Don't bother at this point Mum's death's on you Mum's death's not on me This is your fault Airties

I'm glad I killed your dad now Oh wait that was even me That was you Well let's have a fight So are we brothers or we have the same brain and you're operating at a quarter brain right now? I don't know. We never made it super clear.

All I know is that I'm now in a sword fight, which is a situation I didn't want to be in. Oh no, I've dropped my sword and you've picked it up and stabbed me with the poison sword. Hey, this is ducked out, okay? But don't worry, I stabbed you as well. Now we've both been poisoned. Oh, no.

Suck it out. Hang on. The king tricked us all. Let's kill the king. But you're poisoned. King Claudius, before you die, quickly kill him. That's what you should do. Quickly kill him by making out with him.

No, I'll probably just stab him with the sword. But you've got poison lips. Oh, poor poison lips. I don't have poison lips. Stab his gooch. Yeah. Stab him in his ball hole. Yeah.

Shishkabob that cunt. Oh, no. Hey, bro, welcome to heaven. So, now, the king's dead. We've finally avenged him, but Hamlet, too, has also died. Fuck! So close. Laertes has also died. Yes. And our mum has also died. Fuck! So close! Laertes has also died.

And our mum has also died. Hey, what up? Do you know what's annoying? This ended exactly how Hamlet did, but with slightly more shish kebab. Slightly less balls and slightly more Hamlets. And that was the reign of old horse balls the first. I feel like no matter what happens in Hamlet, no matter what adventure or path you take,

it always ends the same. Oh, yeah, everybody dies. It's just, it seems like it's unavoidable. I feel like this was you teaching me a lesson, Dave. Well, that is my art. And on that note, I've been Hamlet 2. I've been Hamlet 4. I've been Hamlet 3.

And I've been Hamlet 1. And Hamlet 1, or Dave Warnicke. And I've been Hamlet one. And Hamlet one, or Dave Warnicky. Have you got anything you'd like to plug? Yes, a new adaptation of The Murder of Gonzaga that I'll be touring the country with. He's just real poison! Now, if you like

nerdy things like Hamlet, I have another podcast called Book Cheat. It's a book club where I've read the book so you don't have to, essentially. So I tell two guests all about it. One of the most recent episodes was Hamlet. What a weird coincidence. Who was on that episode?

That was you, Mr. Joel Doucher, and Mr. Nick Mason from the Weekly Planet Podcast. That was a fun episode. I've also done Othello with you, Doucher. Yes, and Matt Stewart. I've done Frankenstein. Yeah, that's a lot of fun. Sorry, with Jackson and Zamet here. I've done The Great Gatsby.

Not with us. No, Persuasion by Jane Austen. Oh! There you go, a bit of highbrow stuff. Yes. Picture of Dorian Gray. Yeah, all sorts of classic stuff that if you feel like you want to pretend you know what it's about, just listen to that for an hour.

Jane will be a nice cleanse to anyone who has been made dumber by plumbing the death stone. Yeah. Even yourself out. Yeah. Do Go On also works for that as well. Yeah. I have another show I do called Do Go On where we take it in turns to report on a topic from history, sometimes a biography, sometimes it's a murder, sometimes an NBA game,

and sometimes it's just the history of Lego. Neat. So that is good fun, and both of those podcasts can be found at planetbroadcasting.com Thanks for being here, Dave, and I'm sad that I didn't survive Hamlet, because I thought I was gonna. I died so early. That shocks no one.

We knew it was happening. I did what I wanted to do. You ripped a man's balls off of the horse. You accomplished a lot. You made the biggest change. I did. It's true. On Twitter, you can find us at SandspantsRadio, or you can find us individually. I'm at Douche13. I'm at OldDogsOfDead.

And I'm at GodDammitZammit. If you want to hear our other shows, you can head to SandspantsRadio.com and you'll find all our other content there. There's heaps. And if you want to support us, head to SandspantsPlus.com. Thank you again for listening,

and we'll see you again next time. Good night for now. But not forever. Kisses.