Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Survive in a Fantasy World? (Feat. Adam)

Episode Date: September 18, 2016

In which our heroes x, y and z as they try to get by in a fantasy world. We estimate how many adventurers there are in the world, leave the township of Thrupence to found the town of Fourpence and make a chaotic neutral rogue our sheriff. Jackson tries to overthrow Zammit, Zammit is a level one commoner and Adam turns it all into a game. So join the gang as they play the Sims crossed with Dungeons and Dragons. Want to hire some half-orcs to dig your ditch? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can find yourself in a racial minefield.In Sydney and want to see the Plumbing Boys live? You can purchase your tickets right here https://www.trybooking.com/MQZP.And don’t forget to purchase your copy of Plumbing the Death Star Vol. 1 right now available at https://audiobooksontape.com/shop/plumbing-death-star-bonus/ and check out the subreddit over at reddit.com/r/sanspantsradio. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

SensePitchRadio, fill your coat with coconuts for ballast! which I can only assume is where all the rad kids hang out to do kickflips and play Nintendo. Details on where to purchase tickets are in the show notes, and for anyone who's already purchased tickets, you don't have to do a damn thing, except head to the Harlequin, not the othery. It's all ages, so bring your nan. Joel Dusha promised to kiss her on the mouth. He told me so in a hush conversation behind the bike sheds during our lunchtime. I swears it. Anyways, see you then, and enjoy the show.

Hey everybody, welcome to this episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, how would you survive in a fantasy world? Because in the land of D&D, the realm of D&D. The realms. The realms. The forgotten realms. That is one of them. In many words. These worlds are populated by a whole manner of terrifying creatures. And how.

And it's not, and like just the whole mess of it with your classes and your wizards and you won't have use. But the world is not made up of adventurers. The world is made up of simple peasant folk farming grain and actually that's a quick question how much of the population is adventurous because when you create a you know create a character like a kind of thing you're always a hero in a sense you're always an adventurer um or you're a something turned adventurer because you have to be what adam what sorturers? Give us some solid figures, please, Adam. It depends on the world that you live in.

To get solid figures is really hard. Let's say your world, because I'm benoist of, like maybe some people, in our world that we play D&D is for nerds. Adam, we run in your particular world. Is that the correct one that you've created? Well, in my world, i guess i would say adventurers are a very small minority okay so then like maybe like left-handed people left-handed people is like what 10 20 percent of the population three-handed people

some of them are three-handed i fancy but um i would say for less than 10 maybe less than one percent of the population um trying to think i would say like one in a thousand people could classify them not oh hang on hang on here we go i've got a counter question okay are we talking about people who are out there exploring dungeons, or are we talking about people who could fight a dragon? Because they're not always the same. Good point. I'm talking about people who are out there every day,

nose to the grindstone, working their fingers to the bone, fighting dragons, killing plants. One in maybe 50,000. Okay. So a rarity. Because anybody can kill a dragon, that's a town guard. That's just a job.

I wouldn't say that. Very powerful town guard. When I said kill a dragon, I mean like someone who could survive. Like someone who has like a level in fighter or something like that. Someone who has a level in commoner is pretty much any bumpkin you bump into.

Someone who has like a level of fighter would be like at the very least a town guard or a soldier. So, as many town guards and soldiers as there are in the world. So, it's kind of like the military. So, I guess fighter would be the most common? Fighter would probably, yes. But see, us three... Oh, you're talking about the combat sort of ones?

Because commoner is the most common. Yeah, so if we look at colleague as in if we look at the the the world that we do you want me to give you a breakdown of the most common classes in my world a little bit so you guys i can kind of do that yeah that's all right like so we have the commoners are the common folk yeah um and they just go about their business after that you would then have fighters uh no after, so you'd go through the NPC classes first. NPC classes are classes that are only like a player can't have or like a DM would never usually give them access.

Commoner? I'm a level two commoner. I played in a game once where we were level three commoners, level one fighters. That sounds amazing. It was weird. Level one, sorry, commoners are like wizard hit points so not a lot yeah basically and that's about it just weak as shit yeah not not very

powerful that's awesome uh then there would be um another class called uh adepts adepts are like someone who has a trade so So like a... Boxmakers. Blacksmith. Silkblowers. About the same hit points, but like some... Boxsmiths. About the same hit points, but like some skill points. So they can put that into crafting. Then there would be noble.

Princes. What's the difference between noble and a commoner, apart from royalty? Royal blood. What's the power of royal blood? Blue blood. Once again, I think you get the same hit points. But you would just be more respected? You get more skills as well.

Oh, okay. A better education. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Death to the ruling class. From memory, I think you get feats as well. Okay. Or maybe also like some training with a weapon.

Okay. Cool. From memory, yeah. And then you get into the NPC class, into the PC classes. So, fighter would probably be the most common in my world because it's low magic. Then maybe something like...

So, wizards are the rarest, you would say? Wizards and sorcerers would be the rarest classes, yes. I think you'd have to be, because you don't want that much fucking magic going around. You don't want that many wizards knocking about. That's dangerous. Exactly. Even Tolkien knew that. He's like, no many wizards knocking about. That's dangerous. Exactly. Even Tolkien knew that.

He's like, no, we'll only have a few. Exactly. Exactly. But here's the thing, lads, is that we aren't like fighters. No. And we're also, we're not adept. No. We are commoners.

We are. I don't, well. You consider yourself adept or noble? Well, you know, we're talking about a medieval society. So a person is someone who hasn't gone to school or the staff. You two have been to tertiary. We'd be closer to nobles.

Maybe nobles or adepts, yeah. I don't think you know how to use a sword, Zamit, so I wouldn't call you a noble per se. I don't want to, like, talk shit. I don't want to tell Taylor I was out of school. Maybe you do know how to use a sword? You don't know, but I don't. Fine. I'm was out of school Maybe you do know How to use a sword You don't know But I don't Fine

I wish I could Whack around a sword I think so So we're talking With the same amount of education But I went to like Private bullshit school So if I went to a

Private bullshit school In medieval society We would have probably Had some fencing bullshit That's true Maybe yes Yeah yeah yeah Still

Still None of us living in Like a tiny little Shithole village would be... Let's say we've got a little tiny village of... Throppence. A little tiny village of Throppence. Yep, Throppence.

Throppence, Ohio. Throppence, Ohio. So I'd be someone like the mayor's son or some shit like that. Okay, well, giving yourself airs there. Well, we're talking about... He's not giving himself heirs. He is a heir. Why are you getting to be the mayor's son?

Because you're talking about... Then I'm grand king of the land. You'd be an adept. I'm saying I'd be more of a noble. I like how, as if this was an actual game of D&D, Jackson said it with confidence, but looked at me as if he's like i am right right i was like adam what is your ruling decision actually good point adam where

would we be in a do you want to transfer yourselves into what you would be or do you want to like not what i am now what i would be there yes okay cool yeah, you'd both be commoners because we're all like... None of us are particularly... None of us come from particularly rich families. None of us buy a traditional trade. Exactly. Mayors... I mean, no.

It's going to be like... So we're all the mayor's children. No. Commoners. So we're all farm folk. Farm folk. Oh, no. Which means that any of the terrifying beasts

from the monster manual that live just on the outskirts of our village could just like kill us any day snap us up like a wolf in a basic actual medieval society wolves were a problem

in the D&D medieval societies they're like skeleton men yeah like manticores it's kind of fucked up that the dmg needs to address this particular thing directly but in the dungeon master's guide there's like a little part where it's like most towns like the mayor will employ either a level 10 fighter or someone who has like a scroll of anti-magic for like you know the only way so say we wanted to found a town in dnd we were like the

only way we'd be able to keep the town safe is to hire we have to get like a lad who's good at shit yeah which to be fair is kind of how knights came to be yeah that is true but they weren't fighting like like a dragon yeah one of those giant dragons are pretty rare especially in my world i'd live underground oh i know that's where the drow are yeah other things that burrow everything to do with like the underworld in my world and in other dnd worlds is like the underworld is like where higher level players go fuck everything's tougher down there i'd um what kind of okay new scenario where mayors where do we go you gotta start your own town Or like

We're going We're settlers We're settling a town Who do we hire I'd get a wizard Why are you getting a wizard What for Powerful

Like they seem to be To protect us A bit better But squishy But squishy Somebody's gonna come in An army of skeleton men What you gotta do is

When you're setting up your town You gotta have a look Around the town and try and decide what's best. All right, so we've got to hire scouts first. Oh, God. This sounds like a... So you're hiring, like, a druid, a ranger, or the class scout.

It's a class of scouts? Yeah, it's a player class. It's kind of like a ranger, but a little different. All right, so hire some scouts to go out there and maybe some level one scouts. To sort of... Ept. All right, so hire some scouts to go out there and maybe some level one scouts. Ept. Hang on, wait. What I want to do is,

I just thought of this and I think it's going to be super funny. I'm going to keep a running tally of how much it's going to cost you to set up this town. All right, all right, all right. We can do this. Yeah, okay.

So we're going to be like, all right, we live in Throppence and it's like, oh man, we can do so much better than this. Fuck right. All right. We can do this. Yeah. So we're going to be like, all right, we live in Throppence. And it's like, oh, man, we can do so much better than this. Fuck Throppence. Fuck Throppence. The mayor's always being like, look at his son. He's so great. Look at my hands.

Hi, I'm the mayor of Throppence. Look at my handsome son. I'm like, oh, my God. Like, I'm just trying to get by. Stop talking about how handsome your son is. Yes. So we'll be like, fuck it. We can do better.

We're going to build a town called Thorpence. Mm-hmm. Thorpence. How much money do you guys want to start with to try and start your town? So what are we? We're farmers. Oh, you're going to be farmers? Okay. I was going to say, well, let's give you a fair amount.

But no, if you want to be farmers. We're farmers, but we're well connected. So we're maybe seeing some of the more noble folk of, basically went to the equivalent of Dragon's Den Of our society Which is Also called Dragon's Den Yeah we were like Hey

We would like to start A town called Forpence We want to build it Over here in this woodland Give us some Gold money So that we may do this And they're like

You're right I don't like this May as Handsome son He's a bit of a prat Here's your money You're welcome Here is a bag of gold.

So how much gold do we start off with, Adam? Be a chum. How much would like a... Like a nobleman gave us a bag of cash. Three noblemans. What level are we talking? Like a city? No, like a small village.

Small village. How many people would you say in the small village? Just the four of us. The four of you? Wait, what? I'm going to leave. Let's say it's like a small town. Give me a rough population.

I don't know population. I don't know how to do this, Adam. 60 people. Okay, we'll say 500 gold. Okay. All right, 500 gold. First of all, we build our village in a ditch. What?

Give everyone a height advantage over your town why in a ditch um first off we're gonna dig that ditch but secondly why in a ditch because then we can put just like a roof over the top of it no one will know we're there but we're not underground so we can avoid the drow and tunneling beasts all right okay but the tunneling beast no matter where we are, they're going to be a hassle. All right. I reckon first thing we do, we need to hire a scouting party to go and scout a good surveyor land

and then also to see what kind of things are around us. How far away are you going to send them? Like, how far away are you willing to go? A while away. So, I reckon, like... A K? I was going to say, like,

maximum 5 Ks away. I like say Maximum 5 K's away I like that a K was a while away For me Normally you'd send them A couple hundred metres And the town of Forklands Is right next door How many scouts are you getting?

Four And we'll say 5 K So we'll say maybe it takes them a day or two to scout properly, to like look around. They get it? How far away? They don't get it. How far away is like, how far away is 5K? 5K is a while.

About a little bit more than 4.9K away. Like, from here to where is, from where we are now in Preston, where is 5K? Adam, help us out. I don't understand distances, guys. How many... Use Hollywood distance measures. Football fields, 747s, Eiffel Towers. Well, what's a football field?

Is it 500 meters? That's where they play football on, Adam. All right, so we're going to, like... We're in Preston, so we're going to build, like, Northcote. Yeah. So I don't know how far that way is. Okay. Here's one, actually.

It's a pretty good one. Do you know, like, a high school track, like the running place? Yeah, I know of them. Yeah. You know, like, the standard length from one end to another end, that's about 100 meters, right? Yeah, okay. And 100 meters is a K.

Do the math for us, Adam. You're giving me a look me look like i should know none of them gives you a k okay then we want five of those okay so it's a while all right so 50 of those like little it is a while all right i'd say maybe two days because you're going like not just straight in the line but you're going all right did we agree on the ditch? Not yet. First off, we've got to lay the land first. Okay, so that's cost you... A scouting party has cost you two gold, four silver, and you have not gone very far away.

Just letting you know, you're probably still seeing farms from the town you just left. All right, maybe we'll go with like maybe 10 or 15k away. You know, I want to get away. 100 miles. I want to get away from Throppens. 100 miles. Yeah, 100 miles away from Throppens.

It's a shithole. What's 100 miles to K's? Pretty confident that we can get this done. What's 100 miles in kilometers? Oh, Jesus Christ. It's a lot of them. I think. Just a whole mass of them.

It's like maybe 30k, roughly, very roughly. Let's say half of that. So 15 kilometers. Fine. We'd look... So you spent seven gold,

two silver. You're fine. That's fine. Then we dig the ditch. Then we get their reports. You're going to dig a ditch? No. We're going to get their report.

What are they saying? What's the lay- the land Adam tell us But I think Because anything is going to be a problem I mean unless it's anything other than wolves We're fucked really No not necessarily I don't know

What are just some basic D&D forest creatures Well you'd probably get like Like anything you'd find in a forest Like wolves or I was about to say giraffes Not giraffes Bears Wolves maybe some bears Yeah that's like If you're talking about basic D&D anything you'd find in a forest like wolves or i'd say giraffes not giraffes bears uh wolves maybe some bears yeah that's like it's if you're talking about basic dnd then you're like nothing

you guys wouldn't have like encounter in a forest here no surprises no surprises oh that's fine good now we're just building a town in a medieval might as well dig that ditch well no we'll dig a moat all right that's the best kind of ditch how much is digging your moat cost adam dig a moat. All right, that's the best kind of ditch. How much does digging a moat cost, Adam? Digging a moat? Yeah. Okay, hang on. Someone remember... You guys won't fucking remember.

No, but you can ask us. I just need some way to record. 72. Just keep the number 72. Okay. 72. Deal. How many laborers do you reckon it takes to dig a ditch big enough?

I just have to assume it just means I'm up for doing it. You two are going to build a ditch, dig a ditch for a town. No, we've got 500 gold. Can we hire a geomancer? Yeah. Hire a wizard? Yeah. Some wizard to dig the hole.

That can't be that much. Well, first off, how much is a wizard? Depends. Go balls deep. Depends how much you're going to move. A fair amount. It's a moat. We're digging a moat. Give me a radius, roughly. Is this game just going to

be like you guys don't know measurements? Yes! Okay. Let's say you want maybe roughly 100 feet. That's not going to cover everyone, but that's your township. Maybe like roughly 100 feet. Yeah. Right? That's not going to cover everyone, but that's your like township. Main castle type.

Done. Good. That's what we'll do. Okay. Where the mayor's house is. Us. Oh, we're the mayors. Double mayors.

We're going to have the handsome son. Yes. Most handsome son in the land. Let's have a rival with weapons That's nice that there are no Dangerous fantasy creatures that wouldn't be in a forest Don't worry I know what I'm gonna do

I like that this has just become a game of Weird like town building D&D The sims crossed with dungeons and dragons That'd be cool It cost you 300 gold To cast the spell That's fine

It's fine it's worth it See actually you know what That's why I said we should have done it ourselves But whatever Is it worth it or do we want to be like We'll do it ourselves Fuck the wizard off Wizard no

Okay you're going to dig it yourself Yeah You two to dig it Is going to take like your life I don't know We're going to hire it yourself? You two to dig it is going to take like your life. I don't know. We're going to hire labourers. We'll hire some cheap labourers. What's the border? Some cheap half-orcs on the

side. Go down to the local fucking... Local half-orchery. Half-orchery. I said local like Bunnings. Like any of you lads need some work. Orc help. Roughly hump. First off, letting orcs know.

Oops. Wait, how racist are we? I'm lovely. Pretty racist. I'm a 21st century man. All lives matter. How racist are we? I think all lives matter

is that slightly more racist. Because it's like black lives matter and then people like all lives fucking matter. Okay, then orc lives matter. more racist because it's like Black Lives Matter and then people like Orc Lives Matter yeah no okay then Orc Lives Matter

Green Lives Matter Green Lives Matter green skin's good so let's try maybe that's why we'll get Threepen

just letting you know you are right to be racist if you do this I will have them come and destroy your town no no no let's just say Threepen's racist

but we want to be above that. We want to be the next. Multi-racial town. Multi-racial. We're going to hire multi-racial, multi-special laborers. We should just get dwarves.

They're good at digging. They do it for a living. Jackson, that's racist. It is. My God. Fantasy racist is a social minefield Alright so we're going to get multi species But whoever wants to

Whoever wants their work We don't see race We don't see shape So it'll cost you about 14 gold That's much better I should have been at 300 gold. Fuck wizards off. No wizards allowed.

This takes a week, though. The wizard would have done it like that. That's the difference, obviously. We can survive a week. It's fine. We're still living in Throppens. Racist. Now we're going to fill the moat.

Oh, yeah. So hang on. How easy is it to locate noxious slime in D&D? You guys won't be able to hear me. I like how we've got two different versions of, I want to build a proper town. You're like, no. What number did it give you, 72 or 74?

Yeah, 72. Yeah, like if I just went out to look for noxious slime. Okay, let's build our town. Maybe made sure our scouting was near some nice fresh water supply. I'll give you that for free. Well, supplies, maybe not fresh water.

I'll give you for free. Just divert that into the boat. We'll devote that into the moat. You know, can you answer my slime question, please? Uh, do you want to hire adventurers to go get some slime for you?

I do. Whether or not Zammett will allow it within the budget. We still got quite a bit left. Yeah. Well, we can do that, but first we need other stuff because else we're just going still got quite a bit left. Yeah, well, we can do that, but first we need other stuff because else we're just going to have a bunch of slime.

Yeah, but we want to send the adventurers out so that when we're done with all of our other stuff, they're back with the slime. Okay, I guess that makes sense. Yeah, we'll hire some adventurers, Adam. Thank you. Yeah, cool. For some slimes.

121, remember that. 121. I forgot the other thing you wanted me to remember. Just remember 121. Ah, 212, sorry. 212. Easy done. What's going to be our biggest threat?

What is the biggest threat for people living in a fantasy world? You don't need to remember anymore. So now you've done 42 gold and 2 silver. Okay. Our town's going pretty good. We have no houses.

We have a moat That's not a good town Yes But we've only spent like 40 gold Of 500 That's still pretty fucking good So now after we built the moat Hang on I gotta do a quick die roll

That's amazing To see how well the adventurers did yeah to see if they came back and if they came back with what you want slime and how much it cost you but we got you a vampire

it's not what I wanted at all I feel like oh wait did you prepay them? you prepaid them dang that's fine highs or lows? lows they come back with your slime ah good

put that in the center of town i feel like in the world of dnd the chances of you building a town next to a dungeon is probably pretty high it just seems like there's a lot of them about um the laborers who dug the moat you're letting them stay in the town? Of course. Okay, so you have maybe a population of 20 now. All right, cool. So now we start building houses. Do you want the adventurers to stay around? Yeah, if they want.

If they want them to, but we're like, hey, we're a new town. You're letting them stay around? If you want. Fantastic. You can... I like that this game... This plumbing the death tower has given adam an avenue to torture us it's crossing the shows all right so they can stay in town but it's like look we're starting

off don't do anything rowdy now you probably like if it's if we're doing it in my world they're probably like if not a good alignment a neutral alignment because that's where adventurers tend. Statistically, how likely is it that we've built our town next to an ancient tomb or a possessed church or an evil burrow or a drow?

Hi. Hi? Yeah. You're fine. Oh, good. What about within that 5k radius? Within like a reasonable radius. Oh, okay. Nothing is going... You might occasionally get something like goblins or kobolds,

but even like goblins and kobolds, farmers could sort of handle that. All right, so now we need to build houses. That's probably going to be expensive. That's going to be expensive. Let's just say, so housing for 20 people, a tavern. Yeah. And that'll have like a bar and shit, yeah?

So we're going to have to like... You don't have any like... Liquor license. Carpenters or anything like that, so you're going to need to get... We'll do it ourselves. Are you a carpenter? I can learn.

No, we're going to hire some carpenters. We've got laborers, we need some carpenters. Maybe we can be like, hey, adventurers, if you want to help out. How much is cork? Oh, no. Like... Well, like some kind of quick dry cement or something. Why?

There's no cement. Is there anything that I can plug a hole with is my question. What's the hole you're trying to plug? Like a tomb or something. I just kind of want to send the adventurers out. We did that one. Within like a 10K rating. We did that once.

Find a tomb and they can just plug it with cork or concrete or whatever. The adventure was supposed to be us going through a dungeon, but the adventure was us getting enough concrete to fill the tomb. Yeah, we can send some adventurers to do that. So what do we do with those slimes? If you want, you can send them out to do that To look and then you can find the concrete I'll get them to do that

What are we doing with them slimes? We're just keeping them for a rainy day So it's in the centre of town Are they contained? Yeah it's not like slime is in the monster It's like a slime is in just like goo Ah okay 422 Just remember it Hang on 422 we haven't got much left slime isn't the monster it's like a slime isn't just like goo okay yeah four two two four two two

just remember it hang on four to that we haven't got much left no no no that's um that's in silver so you actually should okay it's easier to do it in silver because a lot of this stuff right now um fine mate change it to five to seven sorry that's all alright. Okay, so we're going to get some carpenters, build up our town. So we've at least got some basic structures. We've got a good townhouse. What was the number I gave you? 527. It's got some nice townhouses.

Yeah, we've got a little tavern. Okay, tavern. Mayor's castle. Mayor's castle. Oh, castle. That takes a stone,ason, my friend. What about if we get the carpenter to design a front that looks like stone out of wood? And to fool the peasants.

You'll need a painter. Stone mason for a wall. That's why I said do it in a ditch. Wall's going to cost you a lot. What would have been cheaper, Adam? Walls or a ditch? Hang on. Wait.

737? Like the jumbo jet. That a ditch? Hang on, wait. 737? Like the jumbo jet. There's a 747. There is also, yeah. Whatever. Alright, so let's say, okay, as co-mayor, I want to build a stone wall.

What do you want to do? As co-mayor, I want to build a ditch. Alright. You've already built the ditch Yeah, I know This was like the first thing that went up We built a moat A moat Did we also do a ditch?

No, I guess you didn't Yeah But you can't then You've funneled water into the moat If you build a ditch No, we just take You're going to flood your city So you want like a

Buildings are going up around you As you have this conversation So you have like a moat We have the moat But then like Outside of that Yeah On the parameters of our whole town

We then build a bigger ditch Yes So we have a circle and a circle No we want I want the town in a ditch Nobody listens to me So you want Yes I'm saying

No I heard I thought you abandoned that Stupid idea So you want You want a moat Yes That we already got And then outside of want you want a moat yeah i already got and then outside of that within the moat oh christ we just take our town and drop it down you're

gonna have a lot of problems with water we build a stone wall okay right now you're at 173 gold plus some silver uh stone is going to be a lot more expensive than wood. This is like, now you've got carpenters, you're building the buildings. The adventurers have come back. And plugged all the tombs. They haven't plugged them, they went looking. Highs or lows? Lows.

They found a cave network nearby, but they didn't investigate it. They didn't find tracks. Why didn't they investigate it? Tracks of what? They weren't paid enough for that. That's fair enough. Tracks of what? Tracks of...

How's the lows again? Lows. It's like dragons. Goblins. All right, all right. You can handle goblins. Is there like a poison you can buy? You want to buy like an exterminator?

Yeah, no, just have it be like rat sack equivalent Like rat poison Goblins will steal your food What you would have to do is poison your own food Everybody I would like to make a decree as mayor When making a meal As co-mayor

When making a meal, you need to make two meals A regular one And a poison one for the goblins Stop as Komer Let's put a pin on that for time being Goblins aren't a threat just yet Adam I'd like to take half of the money We have left and I'm going to build my own town

I'm going to shake Sam's hand Say I want to shake Samit's hand, say thank you for all the good years, divvy it up. I'm going to fuck off and make my own town. Five pence, four pence, three pence. All right. Let's build four pence and five pence right next door. Right next door.

What's half of three, two, seven? I got so many numbers trying to keep track of i'll find out actually you know what zamit just keep track of this number 1737 okay what did i what's the number i said before three two i can tell you 327 327 it's 163.5 that's how much gold you have and you're starting from the beginning? No, I go to the cave system. And I'm going to get an exterminator and smoke the whole thing out. We'll live in there.

Smoke them out? Yeah. You can have the adventurers. Yeah, alright. I'll take the adventurers. So everybody stands up. Like just a exterminator? How many do you think I'll need?

How extensive is a cave network? It's like reasonable. There's like three or four caves. And you don't know how deep they go. I'll get like two exterminators then. No, I'll get one exterminator and I'll do the other one myself. And I'll just smoke out. Am I going to run an adventure with Jackson as a level one golem?

Am I going to run an adventure with Jackson as a level one golem? Smoking out a goblin cave network. Because I'll just smoke that out. The adventurers stand at the front of the cave. When the goblins come at the adventurers, just kill them with spears. Or we put up a net. Or snares. I got a lot of options.

I for Lowe's, Jackson. Huh? Lowe's Jackson Goblins ambush you I'll just fight them back It's fine You got the adventurers on your side The adventurers can sort me out It's fine No you don't Yeah

When did you call the adventurers? I got them standing at the front of the cave Not in it You didn't call the adventurers period You called an exterminator I said I got the adventurers I said he has the adventurers Take the adventurers? I'm standing at the front of the cave, not in it You didn't call the adventurers, period You called an exterminator I said he has the adventurers Okay, fine, but you left them outside Yes

They'll come in and save me Do they hear? They do not Do the goblins tear me to shreds? Feast on my bones? Just like what happened to my co-mayor. Somebody brings you my skull. You're like, yeah, well, fair enough.

Where did you take the gold? Which gold? I kept it in a satchel in my pocket. Goblins have it. Cool. The next co-mayor that Jackson is going to play steps up. You guys have lost 163 gold coins. The exterminator doesn't come back.

The adventurers come back. They're like, exterminator went in. Jackson went in. They're both gone. All right. Adventurers, I guess I can deduct what's happened here. Can you go in and save my ex-co-mayor and maybe you recover the gold? Because right now, I guess we need that a bit more.

Waste your money on getting the gold back. Let the adventurers die. How funny. Don't never follow bad money with good money. Highs or lows? Oh, no. Highs. Oh, no. Highs or lows? Oh, no. Highs. Oh, no.

Highs or lows? Lows. Highs or lows? Lows. Two adventurers come back with nothing. Did you prepay them? No. Let's find out.

Damn. You did not You've given too much control to Adam, Sam I'd like to imagine that As you enter, you're like Oh, there's the town of Fourpence You keep, like, there's a sign And it's like Fourpence one, pay fivepence the other

Fivepence just takes you to a goblin cave What was the number again? It was One One, seven, three, seven Okay, I'm like, okay What was the number I gave you? It was... One... 1737. Okay. I'm like, okay.

Good thing we know that in that goblin cave, there is gold to be had. That's true. That is true. We now know that there's gold in that. You're down 190 gold. All right. So we're going gonna build up this town and what we're gonna do

is we're gonna like make it a bit more sustainable so we've got farmers you have roughly like 30 people here now so let's build some farms let's get some trade let's get some income

coming to our town are you gonna build those for them or are you gonna rely on them to build them build it yourself a bit of both put it yourself

in honour of me a bit of both half and half we're gonna be like alright we need some farmers pull a fitty fitty pull a fitty 50 uh we get this sort of infrastructure happening and then we put the word out be like there's treasure in this goblin town okay we're adventurers wanting adventures and and and and experience killing goblin folk come down help us out we'll we'll we'll share

the riches of what you get see why are you sharing them what you should do is be like there's gold in that cave we'll give you a bounty if you bring it back they bring it back

kill them all I had you on bounty and then you lost me on killing them all do you not want to play another no I'm happy to just advise Zamit now

okay we'll have a bounty on goblins okay there you go we'll do like a goblin bounty kind of like you know you see how fox bounties you get you go. We'll do like a goblin bounty, kind of like, you know,

you see our fox bounties, you get a fox tail, you get a silver piece. Goblin head, you get. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A silver piece of goblin head. You know that... Anyone's found out breeding goblins...

No, wait, yeah. I was about to say, they probably won't do that. Goblins are a level above fucking snakes in India. Yeah. Yeah. And almost everywhere where they have that um uh bounty system it's called the cobra effect from memory yeah so that we'll put a bounty on oh wait did

we talk about breeding goblins sorry i was on yeah we did yeah cool i'm gonna say it's gonna cost you a little bit just to put out of like a word yeah so we're gonna have i basically want income coming in a bit as well so we've got farms and trade and that kind of shit. What are you farming? Oh, what's good for the area? For soil like that. The chair's a forest, so... Acorns?

Not a lot. Carrots and acorns. Potatoes? Wood. Onions? Wood. You can get a lot of lumber. Lumber.

There we go. Lumber. We trade that with thruppence. Yeah. That's going to give individual people wealth, but are you collecting taxes? Of course. Just collect all the money. Why is this not a dictatorship?

Because I'm not a dictatorship kind of mayor. This is why we split up. People would leave very quickly, and you have no town guards set up yet. If you'd let me build it in a ditch, they wouldn't be able to leave. Hi, Solos. Solos. Yes. be able to leave. Hi, Solos.

Solos. Yes. So, in your first month as mayor, you end up losing 10 gold. That's all right. That's all right. We'll do this. This will be fun. It's still sustainable, guys.

It's still sustainable. So, right now, you're down 215 gold. I'm going to keep Tangos Adventures. Look, if you want to be our town guard, you've got to work for it. I'm a bit disappointed that you killed my good friend Komea. I got my good friend Komea dead. I know it was his fault. No, you killed me.

But, you know, under your watch. I don't want to play on their lawful good or whatever alignment they are. I hope they're just like chaotic Chaotic evil kills Amit Then they get his town Highs or lows? Highs They're both rogues

Chaotic neutral But like be like alright But you convince both of them to stick around Sweet They're chaotic neutral sheriffs. Yes. That's not a good thing. They're out for themselves and the town.

Corruption. I want them to be like, all right, go to the goblin place. And if you can kill some goblins and bring them back, we'll pay you per goblin. How much? Silver per goblin. Silver per goblin? All right. That's pretty good.

Breeding populations of goblins getting out of control. We already said that wouldn't happen. Why not? Because goblins are a lot more intelligent than snakes. Not if you keep them trapped. Ooh. Dad. They argue you up to a gold head.

Sam, that's not... No, do it. A gold head. Sam, that's not... No, do it. A gold head? It's not really... You're the NPC in this situation. I know. There's not really, like, a thing to do about this.

I was going to say... They're super convincing, Sam. Oh, then yes, I guess if they convince me. Love it. Did they convince me? They convince you, yeah. Oh, fuck, no.

No, take it, though. If you want goblin heads, you should really be charging a gold, not a silver. Good point, Rogue. It's a fucking head in the games, Armand. I'm so sorry, Rogues. Go off and kill them. Have we named them yet?

You can name them if you... Don't. I named them. Am I naming the goblins or the Rogues? They're the Rogues. Heysel Lowe's as well. Harold Holt. And Usain Bolt. Heysel Lowe's as well Harold Holt and Usain Bolt Heisel Lowe's Lowe's

gosh so downside you lose a lot of money upside they come back with a lot of goblin heads and your money yes well done my skeleton your remains

we put his remains in total Yes! Well done. My skeleton? Yeah, your remains will return to the town. Alright, we put his remains on display. In total, I think you actually probably did. On display, I'm happy. Some leaders, like Stalin, who's in display, kind of like that.

I'm glad that in death... You've boiled you, so just your skeleton. Yeah, good. So in memoriam. Hire a stonemason for that. Now you're only down 90 gold. Yes. And some change. Yes.

Fuck, Xamarin, he's a rich boy. So yeah, I'm going to get a stonemason and erect a, like, maybe, not a good statue, but a somewhat statue, maybe even built around the skeleton. Oh, sick. See, I'm looking after my boy. He knows what I want. A skeleton and a statue. Cost you a little bit of change, but yeah.

That's all right. So we've got a skeleton and a statue of Jackson, the former commander. Plus you got rid of the goblins. I got rid of the goblins. The goblins are gone? They were hired to collect the goblin heads and to bring back the money. They did that. Pro tip.

Yeah. Go in there yourself. No. So are the goblins gone? I won't say yes or no. But what did the rogues say to me? Oh, they don't know either. Okay.

All right. So you did a good job, guys. If you want, go in there, investigate. We'll be like gold ahead per goblin. Clear out the whole cave system and then come back to me. And if you kill like a certain amount, we'll work on a reward commission based here. So if you kill like in excess of X, you'll get Y, that kind of stuff. There's a goblin king, blah, blah, blah.

Let's see what happens. Gold ahead plus just straight up, they want 50 gold. How convincing are they? Well, one of them is pretty convincing. The other one isn't. So they kind of made up. 25 gold. 25 gold?

I'll do that. Yeah, sure. Fair enough. Usain Bolt was not very convincing, but Howard Holtz, he got me. I was like, no. Howard Holtz got that calming voice. Heis or Lois? Heis. One of the rogues does not come back, but they get the job

done. Which one died? Usain Bolt. Yeah, sure. Harold Holtz. He was having an off day. He ran ahead too fast. Alright, good. So we've got the cave system now. Sweet. We've got a cave system. What's in the case what can you do with a cave nothing nothing mine it mine

it we mine it for whatever we can find so 441 gold plus change that one cost you wow what does he get left like 60 gold? A bit less. Buy yourself some fancy clothes and call it a day. Yeah, how much are we getting? How much in debt? Do I have to get a thrift once and be like, look, I need some money. Heist or loss? Heist.

You made a little bit of money in, I was about to say the stock market. Yes. Selling to lumber, you made a little bit of money. Hey, Zammit, you want to be a pal? Yeah. Resurrect this boy. How much is that going to put Zamit back? No. Zamit does not have the money. Also, no. You need to become a much larger

town for that. How much power do I have from beyond the veil? Can I come back as a ghost a lot? Can I come back as a ghost? I don't fucking care, sure I'm gonna start whispering amongst the people That I need to be resurrected You like maybe haunt the caves or something

No, I'm gonna resurrect my body statue Capped in the middle of town You can't resurrect as a ghost No, I mean I'll haunt it and I'll try and get people to resurrect me How's all those? Lows I'm going to get people to resurrect me. Heysel Lowe's? Lowe's. No one in this town even knows where to begin doing that. I hate this town.

I'll be like, all right, town meeting. We know that. Still don't have walls. There's no stone buildings other than Jackson's Memorial. Just letting you know in case you were still talking about that wall. Oh, so maybe we'll build like a we'll use some of the

lumber that we're getting and we'll build like a lumber wall for the time being you know what I mean look start small and upgrade that's gonna hurt your

trade this week it will it will hurt my trade but we'll start small we'll do maybe one wall then like we've got no pressing issues just yet

one wall which wall do you want to go up first so you know what I mean like one section of the wall kind of thing. Okay. Yeah, that's fine.

It'll still hurt you a little bit. We're not building a fucking roof. We can start wherever. What do you want to happen with that other... Rogue? Rogue. He's our sheriff. Yeah, okay.

You're going to keep him on as sheriff? Yeah, he did a good job. Cool. I'm assuming he probably killed you, St. Bolt, but I don't know that for sure. Chaotic dude truly might not. He might not. I don't know that for sure Chaotic dude truly might not He might not Okay so wall this week? Yeah

I'm imagining this like an isometric fucking mobile phone video game Highs or lows? Highs In the background Little zoop zoop You do get the part of the wall done Hives Like with a In the background Little soup soup You do get the

You do get the part of the wall done But it's Gonna cost you It's costly Quite a bit Like you weren't gonna be making money This week anyway Oh dang

Gilsamit in debt? Me? Oh you can't go in the debt People Gilsamit just runs out of money Surely you can chop down trees for free. That's true. Well, you've got to pay the labourers.

No, you just do it all yourself now at this point. That's true. Fucking imagine if I... I'm fat and lazy now. I've gotten around this town. I've gotten... We'd be in a ditch. The goblin hole would have been plugged.

You don't have... I have a sweet cave system. Yeah, you're not doing nothing with it yeah yet flood it why see now we have a sweet cave system

which we could maybe try and get some like kobolds or goblins you're over you're over budget you've probably borrowed some from the local town only a little bit

like four gold and change but you've borrowed some money from the local people that's alright we'll just we'll just keep doing some trade we'll build up the lumber and we'll work out other forms of Four gold and change, but you've borrowed some money from the local people. That's all right. We'll just keep doing some trade. We'll build up the lumber and we'll work out other forms of avenue.

Also happening this week. Oh, no. Is this the eventual inevitable orc raid? Because you have an adventurer, you start having encounters. Sick. Good, and keep that rogue on. All right. Yeah, so we'll just

we'll just get in and be like alright just everyone get more lumber get more lumber uh

the fresh water supplies can you fish um in the river probably yeah alright we'll start not in the moat that's stagnant

fill the moat with crocodiles that's what you fucking do with a moat don't look at me like I'm the idiot uh let's just quickly count all the moats in history that were ever filled with crocodiles uh Zamit you start That's what you fucking do with a moat. Don't look at me like I'm the idiot. Let's just quickly count all the moats in history that were ever filled with crocodiles.

Zamit, you start. Can you name any? No, no. I'm pretty sure in one of the Robin Hood animated Disney movies they had crocodiles. Yes, that was true. That's not right. Those people were all animals.

Why didn't they have further animals in the moat? I'm pretty sure one of the crocodiles was a member of court. From memory. Did he just live in the moat? I never saw him in the moat, but I think they still did have crocodiles in the moat, which is fucked up when you think of it. Wait, crocodiles live in water.

Maybe they wanted to live there. Oh yeah, everyone else has a house, but I live in this dirty ditch. Second class citizens is what we're trying to say. All lizards are. Reptiles? Are you going to go with? Sure, why not? I think so.

What did you want to get done this week? We're going to maybe start a fishing trade. Okay. You'll need some fishermen to get into that so we're gonna do it yourself i mean fishing's not that hard is it first off trying to get someone to resurrect you yeah always how's all those loads doesn't matter someone will one day okay i like to think my ghost is just like hey hey soowe's. You make a little bit of money, but not enough to put... Oh, wait, have you still been building fence?

No. No? So you've got just a little bit of the fence. Yeah. Fair enough. Fair enough. It's like, guys, we'll get there. There's nothing happening at the moment.

It's like there's no fucking zombie walkers battered out doors. Not yet. You're still in gold. You're still in debt, debt sorry a gold piece and change i'm doing all right but you've you've paid you're like keeping the fantasy mafioso off your back my kneecaps are not being shattered no encounters this week sweet see i just keep i don't just keep doing like you build uh no buildings but you know let's build up our coffers first and be like maybe raise taxes a little bit just to be like uprising

revolution can I just change from resurrection to revolution well what do you want to get done this week other than tax increase just trying to build up our fishing and lumber kind of trade but also I want to be the town meeting as we know Jackson's

ghost has been trying to look, just ignore him. We know he's a hassle. When we can afford it, we'll get a cleric to come in here and excommunicate him. Don't listen to Jack. No one pays

their taxes this week. Viva la revolution! You lose a lot of money this week. Viva la revolution. You lose a lot of money this week. Viva la revolution. No encounters. Right. Look, I'm sorry. I guess the tax...

It was a small increment, but I guess that's what everyone wanted. So, back to original taxes, I guess. You're in debt 13 gold plus change. I'll go back to resurrection. Fair enough.

Okay. I'm sorry. Taxes. We'll go back to what they were originally. One wonders who lent you the money, by the way. Threepence. Yeah. What? Threepence. The town we left at the start. We were doing the trade with you.

Buff Adam. Threepence is also a unit of money so it is confusing when you say Threepence when I'm asking who lent you the money. That is true. Okay this week. Highs or lows? Highs. You're gonna make a little bit of money. Oh, good.

Am I resurrected? Highs or lows? Highs. No. How does revolution work? Man, I can never resurrect people. At the same time, I was like, raise taxes. No.

You pay off like a gold and some of the change so you're still in debt 12 gold okay so i reckon we just keep going like this uh you know as time goes by we're sort of slowly building up you know damn it no encounter god i really want an encounter so basically we just keep we keep building up our fisheries we keep building up our lumber maybe try and work out what else we can do to monetize this town what when they start building up from the ground up what i'll do is so grassroots in dnd there's like um different levels of township so depending on your size you're probably yeah around 50 people so you're at the lowest level right now i'm just going to do one big roll to see what happens to jump you to the next one. Yeah, basically we'll just

keep going. Highs or lows? Highs. Burn to the ground. Oh no. Oh no. Yes. Burn to the ground. Jackson Valley resurrected. No, not even. Dragon attack. Goblins. No, you jump to 500 and you become like a small mecha for adventurers.

You get like a, you've got like a good adventurer economy going right now you've overtaken throppings we've sucked it in we've done it wow okay so you've made money from when you you paid back your original loan to throppings and have money left over excellent now The town coffers are now at 87 gold pieces. Oh, beautiful. We're not a rich town. We're not a rich town, but we're doing well.

You know what I mean? 87 gold pieces is a bit. We're slowly building it up, and that's what I reckon. We start slow, and we start building our economy. We start strong, and we're doing good. We're doing good. Do you want to jump to the next level like this? Yeah! Why not? Let's see how big a city we can become.

How's the lows? Oh, lows. Oh, me. Burn to the ground. A dragon ravages through... What's your fucking... Fourpence. Fourpence.

Fourpence. A dragon ravages through fourpence. You go back to 50 people. At this point, Zammett, I'd say give up. Yeah. Give up? Walk away from it all? All right.

All right. Well, we'll start again. Look, I'm optimistic. Am I one of those 15 people? How is Jackson's statue? 50. 50 people? How is my statue doing?

How is that rogue? Highs or lows? Highs. Highs? Your statue was lows? Highs. Highs? Your statue was burnt to the ground. No! The rogue is dead. No!

Now you're just a mayor with a burnt city and 50 people looking for answers. So, I guess, look, we keep, because our coffers are still all right. Did it burn the gold? When you go into negatives, phones do strange things. I got to fix something up now. So is this like the town of... I times the negative and didn't realize it was going to make something. What's the town in Hobbit?

Lake? Yeah. View? Lake View. No, Lakeside? Lakeside? What, the Hobbit town? Yeah.

Hobbiton. No, the lake. The Hobbit 2. Oh, the town in the Hobbiton. The Hobbit 2. Oh, the town in the Hobbit 2. Yeah, Lake Town. It's basically like Lake Town. We've just decimated. You've been dragoned. We got decimated by a smalg.

Luckily, you're only back in debt for 10 gold. Alright, alright, alright. You want to jump back to Hamlet? Yeah. How's the lows? No, lows fucked me, highs As you were saying lows fucked me The first number was a zero

Second number did not help you anymore So yeah, highs Your town is destroyed Alright See, if we built the town in a ditch None of this would have happened. What destroyed me? Highs or lows?

No, let's go with highs. Highs? Wait, lows. We said lows. It was the same dragon. Same motherfucking dragon. Came back, finished his job. The next week.

No, it was probably larger than a week. So as you can see, try as you might. It's impossible. Can't be done. Can't be done can't be done nobody can build it doesn't matter how hard you try exactly i was doing all things right you know i was trying to be good i was trying to do things like the slow way and not be greedy not getting debt exactly but fucked by a dragon who has no sense of to be fair you said lows and I rolled 100. You said highs and I rolled 2.

So there was some really bad rolls, one after the other. Just luck of the draw. And I guess that's the story of fourpence. I guess that's actually kind of why some people can see it as it would... Let me rephrase that one so random like in real life you know you build like a fucking town

or whatever you pick a good place and that place stays pretty good in D&D a role can be like oh you built your town on top of a fucking dragon nest exactly plus in D&D and the town of four points so I build a town in reality now

the worst thing I have to worry about in terms of like creatures is maybe wolves and eagles right in D&D you're worrying about things tunnelling up from below dragons from above orcs from the side

frankly it's just not worth it what's not worth it What's not worth it? Living Living It's not worth it Just get a bow Just underneath your neck Now fire it straight into the air

And just catch it with your mouth Mouth wide open So how do you survive in a fantasy universe? Pretty poorly You don't? You hope your DM is kind So how do you survive in a fantasy universe? Pretty poorly. You don't? How would we survive? You hope your DM is kind. How do we survive in a D&D universe?

Not great. Not well. Not well. I get the pox. You're a goblin, mate. Which I think you mean the dragon pox. I think I'm in mummy rot. You need to fight a mummy to get mummy rot.

On that note, I've been Jackson Bailey. I've been Joel Zambit. I've been Adam. We did not do well. Rest in peace, the town of Fortin. Rip in peace. If you think this show is worth at least a dollar, why not donate to our Patreon account?

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