Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Survive in Skyrim? (Feat. Adam)

Episode Date: November 20, 2016

In which our heroes embrace their draconic heritage, kill a dragon with a great axe, and then drink to absorb its delicious soul as we ask how would you survive Skyrim? We try to avoid our heroic destiny, put all our skill points into sneak and archery, and exploit the system to make ourselves very powerful. Jackson outright refuses to do good, Adam makes a potion to improve his smithing and smiths a dagger to improve his potions, and Zammit just wants to sit the main villain down and share a sneaky beer. So sit back and enjoy the ballad of Jackson, Zammit and Adam, who solved a lot of problems but then went into hiding because they couldn’t be bothered solving any more.Want to help us not die in this magical world of wonderment? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, we can show you this one trick on how to not die in Skyrim AND loose that belly fat. Doctors hate us.And don’t forget to be a magic boy or girl by heading to http://www.lootcrate.com/letmedie, use the code letmedie to save some serious $$$ on your next lootcrate subscription! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sans pants radio. My palms are real sweaty and I haven't done any physical activity. Do you find yourself lacking an identity? Maybe you enjoy a Star War, the works of Joss Whedon, or just consider yourself a gamer, but lack the necessary means to tell the world that I am these things and these little trinkets scattered around my house to validate my, what you're calling, lifestyle choices. Then do we have the solution for you. Lootcrate.com slash letmedie. Fill that empty void in your life with a bobblehead of your favorite game, comic book, or film character.

We might not have historical figures, but boy, do we have a Pip-Boy. Sure, it won't hold you at night or reassure you when things go bad, but looking into its cold, dead eyes as it bobbles back and forth will certainly remind you that yes, I am a fan of this thing. So go to lootcrate.com slash letmedie and use the coupon code letmedie on checkout to get a couple of dollars off your first subscription. Loot Crate. Life is meaningless.

So go spend it on stuff you enjoy. Hey, everybody, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, how would you survive in Skyrim? Not even close. Not even close. I'm off to a bad start. Are we talking the game or the world?

I think we have to talk both. Because if you're existing within the game... So... Are we the main character if we're talking the game? If we're the main character, then it's kind of an irrelevant conversation. Because canonically, they... You can't die? Yeah, they have to die.

They can't die until at the very least at the end of the main story. And by the end of the main story, canonically, in every single game, you've made friends with literally every faction. Yeah, I mean, that's the one downside of Skyrim, is that it's like, hey, head of the Assassin's Guild, head of the Wizard's Kingdom. It's like, I am king of everybody. Have you ever played Oblivion? No.

There's this funny little thing in Oblivion where part of the Thieves Guild quest was that you had to steal the staff From the head of the Mages Guild But if you'd finished the Mages Guild quest You were the head of the Mages Guild So you're stealing your own staff

Do you just take it? It's the easiest quest If you're already head of the Mages Guild You just walk in and take it That's the long con though You need to seal this up. All right. I'm going to join the mage guild,

and I'm going to rise up the ranks slowly so I can finally get it. I'm the king. Roost them good. Take the staff. I like that it's the simplest quest if you're already the head of the mage's guild, but the most difficult. It's a fucking hassle. Because you're like, okay, I guess to complete this

He's Guild quest, I've got to become the head of the Mage's Guild. I know you can just steal it. I'm aware. There was a... I was getting completely off topic just talking about this one little thing. There was a mod that fixed it. Oh, that's good.

That's all right. So I think we can't be the main character. Or if you're the main character, you've got the dragon. You will die. You've got the dragon thing, the voice, the speak, and the yanny. You're the dragonborn. But you can die. You can die.

One death and you're out. There you go. Well, the problem... That's difficult, then. You've just got to game the system because you've got to finish the main story. Look, survival mode. One death, you're done. Simple as that.

Okay, so in Skyrim, let me drop some stinky lore on your fucking plate. Yeah. Not really. I'm enjoying it. So there was a DLC, okay? Skyrim Dragonborn. Earthfire. Dragonborn, okay?

In which another Dragonborn, he's on an island called Solstheim or Solstheim. Solstheim, yeah. Yeah, and he's causing shit. But he's another Dragonborn, which means he can sort out the problem too. So they come to me, they're like, Jackson, yo, guess what? You're the Dragonborn.

I'm like, get the fuck out. They're like, you are. You did a shout. You ate that dragon soul. I'm like, I did. I'm going on an island I find Mirak the other dragonborn I'm like hey take care of it for me

And then I fuck off Become a farmer or whatever So I give up my destiny So there's all three of us a dragonborn No you die Mirak wants to be the only dragonborn That's the impetus for why he's the antagonist What if I'm like

Can I give him my dragon powers and just be a man? I don't think you can I think that's just like a blood thing You have to If he's like I want to be the only one Can you be like how about instead You do it I'll go

I'm fine I'm going to join a choir I'll never shout again. Oh, no. Also, his followers consider you a false, like, god. They try to kill you. His followers come after you. That's fine. I can yell at them.

Well, then you're like, you're kind of challenging him at that point. You can't challenge him. You've got to give it up to Merak. But you've changed the game. If we're all dragonborns, I run and hide. Your job, not mine. Gotcha. Yeah, but then we get job, not mine. Got your good. Yeah, but then we get got, then he's after you.

Yeah, he'll come after you. Why did you guys get got? Well, like, I assumed one of you would beat him. Well, eventually it will. Surely. Sure, we could have. Because we all did the same plan. We all just run off in different directions and hide.

All of us are like got them good Or one of us kills them But then we're like well alright But then Adam I want to be the only one Then I kill Adam then I gotta hunt you Or Adam kills me then he's gotta hunt Why are you assuming I share your Fucking dumb tendencies

To want to be the only dragonborn Well that was the whole point of this argument Is that this bugger... No, Mirac. That's Mirac's sort of... But if you could be like, hey, Mirac, chill. Just time it out. I don't think you can talk him now. No, the only time you ever really meet him is on top of a hill

and he fights you on a dragon and it's... Yeah. Boss fights in Skyrim, as an aside, were just dumb. Yeah, because it's just I hit you, you hit me, and one of us wins. There's no strategy there. In the canon of the game, fair enough, but we're just dumb. Yeah, I'm saying... Because it's just I hit you, you hit me, and one of us wins. There's no strategy there. In the canon of the game, fair enough. But we've changed the canon.

I'm sure if we sat down Murak with a bit of a beer or a meat over in some kind of tavern somewhere, I'm sure we could convince him if we had a high enough charisma level. I still think if there's three of us Dragonborn and I just decide against levelling up, the two of you have so much adventure in your blood that you'll level up and you'll join a guild and you'll do all the quests yeah and then you'll go and defeat you'll save the day and i won't have to lift a finger but what if we

don't well then we're all in trouble aren't we one of us has to let's flip a coin no no three sides shit let's play rock paper scissors I guess Yeah well anyway Also your problem Is pretty bad as well because If you're not living in a city Then you're subject to bandits And if you're not leveling up You're going to get fucked by bandits

Because we're leveling up and the bandits are leveling up with us Okay You want to be the Actually you want to be the highest level Because then everything is your level Oh true Yeah Wait what?

The world levels up with you Oh yeah yeah Yep So if I'm level So if you're level 3 And I'm level 20 You're fucked Oh fuck you're right

It's a race to level up Yeah we have to race to level up Then you're fucked I'm walking into a corner sneaking For like a month Yeah, we have to race a level up. I'm walking into a corner sneaking. For like a month. Till my sneak hits level 100 and then I just hide forever. Gotcha.

You're fucked if you get found once then. Yeah. Even like as a level one. And then you're guaranteeing that we die if this plan works. It won't. You're guaranteeing that we die if this plan works yeah it won't you're guaranteeing that we die so funny to imagine me walking into a corner and like somebody being like excuse me sir sir get out here i'm leveling off sir please you just find that one blind guy at the beginning the dungeon mirror yeah exactly i just sneak around behind him anyway because if you level up to the point where it becomes too hard for us, we die, then you have to save the world because it's saving the world.

You will die otherwise. You know what I like? I like that the question was not like, how would you avoid saving the world? It's just how would you survive? I just decided I didn't want any of that Dragonborn destiny bullshit. The problem is the end of the Dragonborn quest is that you save the world from ending. So look, those who are unaware of the end of the dragonborn

quest, including myself, what happens at the end of the dragonborn? What's his name? The main antagonist? Parthanax? Parthanax. He's going to eat the world. Yeah, so you've got to stop eating the world by fighting him. And then you grab his soul. So, even if you avoid it

and do nothing and you chuff off you still die because he eats the world. Well that's why I was assuming you guys would take care of it. Yeah but if we fucked up

I fell off a horse and broke my neck. I think the best I mean just just paralyzed. Just paralyzed. I'm like I can shout real good.

Superman that shit. I'm wandering through Riften and I find in the local tavern, I'm like, is that Samad? Not a day after we parted ways. You're sitting at the tavern drinking.

The door opens. I wheel Samad in and I'm like, Jackson, we have a problem. He fell off a horse. If we don't work together, this have a problem. He fell off a horse. What? If we don't work together, this world is ending. God damn it. Adam is like signing it because his throat ripped out.

I'm like, yeah, together. Together. Our best chance. I'm not even kidding. Our best chance is to work together. We have to stay the same level. Yeah. So it's safe enough for all of us. And also in this way, we can kind of take things that complement each other.

Yeah, yeah. We each need to get a follower, so there's maximize our potential. We have six cunts fighting. Yeah. And Sneaky Bowman three. Three Sneaky Bowman. Well, obvious. The best fucking build there is in Skyrim.

Hide in a corner. That's what I spent all those months walking into a wall for. Walk into a wall, summon a fucking... We need all of our three companions need to be very strong buff frontline fighters. We go up to the person who owns the tavern and rift and we slam down some gold and we're like, we'll take a room for a month. And then we just go upstairs and walk into that wall,

avoiding each other's eye contact. Oh, can we revel up our sneaking from each other? We don't even have a tavern. We just need to face away from each other in the woods. All right, well, we've all got sneak 100, but that doesn't help us with anything else. With a sneak 100, and I've been casting just light constantly, so

You've got a high illusion. My illusion spells are, whoo, they're good. No, we should all do that, actually. Yeah, that's true. Clever. It's good to have a high illusion, because then we can fury or calm enemies together. Oh. It's alright, it's alright, it's alright, yeah. What if we just fire bows into each other, but then heal? So, like,

two of us face away. Well, that's healing and arrows It's not a bad idea It's not the worst idea We don't lose arrows We're maximizing our equipment Well alright No I think we got this

I think we're good We can even do that with swords Like I hit you with a sword And that's armor, healing and swords Or we just take it in turns So two of you are just fighting And as you're fighting I'll heal both of you Yeah true

Maybe you two focus on combat What I'm going to do is I'm going to pull a classic Bethesda game cheating Where I'm going to make An alchemy potion that makes me better at smithing, then smith an item that makes me better at alchemy,

then alchemy a thing that makes me better at smithing. Bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah. Then you guys are working with some good armor and alchemy. That's the best. Do you know how many tiny little iron daggers you'll make to level up that?

Oh, it'll be a mess. What else have we got? We're leveling nearly everything up. What else have we got? Barter, who cares? Speech is unnecessary. Barter, assumedly, we're getting from all those iron daggers I'm selling. Of course.

What even else is there? It's just... Destruction magic? Yeah. What else have we got? We don't need to get illusion. All the different types of magic. Yeah, yeah. I need illusion. All the different types of magic. Yeah, yeah.

I think that's it. Different types of... Yeah, different types of armors and weapons. But whatever. I think we skilled ourselves up pretty good. We focused on a couple of the ones we need. You know, because other stuff is just super force, really. Now, Parthenax, I think, stays at a static level.

Yeah. Does he level up with you? No, he must because you fight him. No, he has an end cap, though. Okay. I forget what it is static level. Yeah. Does he level up with you? No, he must because you fight him. No, he has an end cap, though. Okay. I forget what it is. 60 or 80. That's, let's see.

We have a time limit, though. This is going to fuck us. Technically, no. Then we're fine. Yeah. Like, we are fine. What we could even do, because I sneak so high and we have three followers, is we just go hide.

They fight. They can't die. Oh, they can. I've had my follower die before. Really? Yep. It happened when I was fighting a dragon priest. The first time I ever fought a dragon priest.

I don't like it when my follower dies and I don't notice. And it's like an hour later and I'm like, oh shit, where are they? See, I play with a lot of mods and some of my mods turn my Skyrim kind of into a D&D game where I almost have a party with a mage a ranger and that's oh man and it adds all these yeah off topic again it adds all these dungeons

that sort of kind of focus on the fact that there's multiple characters and there'd be like character infighting stuff like that so i was having an argument with a mage i'm at one end of a trap he's at the other i need him to pull a lever. I'm like, pull that lever. He's like, nah, fuck you. I don't like you. I got so mad. I was stuck there for ages. Did he just trap you? He did. I fired a bunch of arrows into him and I'm like, pull the fucking lever.

He's like, alright, alright, alright. That's amazing. Wow. Okay, so let's say with the skills we've got, we take down Parthenox. Easy. What's next? That's've got, we take down Parthenox. What's next? That's it. Once we've killed Parthenox, we're actually good. But there's still dangers.

I guess if we just find a house. Parthenox, Marak. We've got to take out the big vampire king. Do we have to? Yeah, because these vampires raid towns. That means it's not safe. The vampires are tough enemies. I'm guessing as soon as i got parthenax yeah right what's gonna you know things will attack us and we've got to assume because if

we take it as like you know we're the main character in the world that you know happens around us yeah so we could get got while we're sleeping that's right so we've got to make sure that we push it so we get a castle what castle is the best castle what's the best heavily defended castle vampire castle yeah kill the vampire it's on an island. Nothing but bloody hawkers, mate. Uh, gargoyles. Yeah, but they'll get rid of when we kill the vampire. Can we get those gargoyles on site?

Actually, we can get on the side of the vampire. We can... No, it's better to side with the dawn god. Why? You sure? All of their items are anti-vampire.

We are either fighting against vampires with armor that's good against vampires and weapons that are... Like, all this stuff specifically built against vampires. We're fighting as vampires against that. Yeah, I don't want something which is just anti-me. It'd be like, you know, it's like, oh, you have an anti-Zamut sword, huh? Oh, dang.

Fuck. Maybe I shouldn't be a Zamut right now. We join the Dawn Guard then. Although, being a vampire comes with a lot of good powers Can we hide our vampirism? We're fucked when we fight Dawn Guard No people get mad at us But when we fight anyone else

We have kind of an advantage But the sunlight No Dawn Guard We gotta be Dawn Guard Okay that's fine That's easy We join the Dawn Guard Kill the vampires

Then we become vampires Cause why not The vampire threat's gone Then the Dawn Guard come after us Cause we made them powerful You idiot We can't... We wipe out the castle.

Yeah. We wipe out the castle and just start using the castle. It's fine. So yeah, we just take out the castle, and then we live in the castle. Bring all of our followers there. Yeah, they can defend us. Make them live there. Yeah.

Oh, there are so many followers. Can I start a cult, yeah? I'm sure you can. Like, yeah? Maybe? I don't know. Like, because if I'm a dragonborn king Yeah None of that is

I mean Merak started a cult So That's what I'm saying If he started a cult Oh he has mind control powers though Yeah you don't know Oh no we got illusion magic From the lights

Oh We got mind control powers So Get everybody to the castle Get everybody to the castle It's on an island yeah Yeah And then we just form a cult

Did we just become the No We just became the bad guy No we did We just became the bad guy Another dragonborn will come along and try and kill us.

No, no, we can't do that. Can't be doing that. Can't be doing that. Okay, we can do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then, what we do is... Oh, fuck.

We've got to walk a fine line where we're a good guy, but we're not a good guy powerful enough that any big bad guys bother us. So I'm going to say, start a cult.

Yeah, sure. Fake our own death. Become like a god. That sounds a lot like a storyline in a Bethesda game. Yeah, I don't want anything that looks like a storyline we've got to avoid. I'm going to say, look, fake our own death, become a god, and then live a simple family life.

People will find us. We've got to avoid storylines. We'll have a lovely wife and kid and some fucking trolls will raid. Bam, we're out of retirement. Someone's going to notice us. Ah, shit. We've got to plug up that hole to the soul con.

In the castle we're using, there's this hole to the soul. To where the souls go. Some souls go, not all. Good souls or bad souls? Just anything. There's a skeleton horse in there that will pop out, but then we'll plug it. Skeleton horse is alright.

It's fine. We plug that hole. We gotta get a really big plug. You know what might be worthwhile? Yeah. And it's a bit risky, but if one of us becomes the head of the mage's guild, it's not hard, it's just a couple of fetch quests, really. Yeah.

Plus, then you get the whole mage's guild on your side. You might as well. Mages are pretty useful. Can we live in the mage guild that place is a fucking fortress but at risk of falling into the sea so you take your risk there you just become head of the mages guild so we've got them on side we get to happen to do that

companions that's good but one of us has to become a werewolf I'll do it but there's a group that hate werewolves fuck but do you wipe them out as part of that quest line I think you do fuck it's a group that hate werewolves. Fuck. But do you wipe them out as part of that quest line? I think you do. All right. So, fuck, it's a hassle, but we're there to back you up.

For the companion's help, you become a werewolf. Okay. And we all deal with that together. Okay. Can we turn that werewolf around? Do you have to keep being a werewolf? You don't have to stay a werewolf. No, I don't.

You don't? In fact, I think I can get a ring that sorts me out from one of the other quest lines. Isn't that the ring of the hearse sign? I remember remembering that ring wrong. Whatever. You don't have to become to do it. In fact, I think I can get a ring that sorts me out from one of the other quest lines. Isn't that the ring of the hearse sign? I remember remembering that ring wrong. Whatever. You don't have to become a werewolf, though. You can get rid of it afterwards. Yeah, you can get rid of it afterwards.

And they're not going to be pissed at you? I think they're slightly. How do you get rid of it? It's like a quest. No, at the end, you get the choice, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, okay, yeah.

So, but you have to, it's going to be a hassle for a while, but we're there to back you up. Yeah, you got my back. So you can bring the companions in You stop being a werewolf Wait wait wait Hold up hold up We just brought every group to the one island What?

That's real dumb We're bringing groups that are going to have enemies to the one place You're telling me that's not setting ourselves up Just have ourselves as allies We just set up allies They stay wherever they go Because if they're here We're setting ourselves up for a cataclysm. Just have ourselves as allies. Okay. We just set up allies. They get to keep, they stay wherever they go. Because if they're here, we're setting ourselves up for a cataclysm, you know. They wouldn't come anyway.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. And what's the... The Stark Brotherhood, the Assassin's Guild. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

So we are definitely living in the vampire place, yeah? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's a good defensible place. Because what we should is get, rather than getting everyone to some, we need like emissaries. Yeah. So if we have someone like the Mage Guild, the werewolf people. Just get a wizard, get a werewolf.

Just one. Oh, fuck. We definitely need the Dark Brotherhood on side because they will be the people who assassinate us. Oh, yeah, true, true, true. So you join the Dark Brotherhood. I'll join the Dark... Yep, I'll do that.

All right. That means we've got to kill the king. There's a lot of bad things. Yeah, we've got to kill the king. There's a lot of bad things. Yeah, we've got to kill the king. We've got to kill the king of the king. That's the last mission. You become head of the realm. Not just Skyrim of Tamriel, isn't it?

Oh, fuck. But if I'm... Okay. So we... If I become part of the Dark Brotherhood, I could still get a thing to kill one of you. And if I don't do that, I think a ghost comes after me,

and I don't want that. Oh, yeah. Every time I sleep, I wake up and a ghost you and if i don't do that i think a ghost comes after me and i don't want that oh yeah every time i sleep i wake up and a ghost attacks me i don't want what's this thing to kill one of us why wait what uh if if i disobey the dark brotherhood the spirit of the dark brotherhood or some bullshit like that comes after right so we can't disobey the dark brother wherever we just can't do it no but what if he gets a hit on us yeah thieves guild what do you get out of the Thieves Guild? Not much. Yeah, they're kind of dying. If we just don't do anything about that, the Thieves Guild...

By the end of the Dark Brotherhood questline, there's like two. No! Did you know you can destroy the Dark Brotherhood? That's true! We destroy the Dark Brotherhood. So there's no Assassin's Guild? Yep. You've got to stop the war.

Somebody's got to stop that war. There's a civil war brewing Skyrim belongs to the Nords Which side do we do? Who's gonna look after our best interests? Not the Empire No, the Empire Why the Empire?

Say we defeat the Empire Say we defeat the Empire and Skyrim They're not just gonna take that lying down Get rid of the Stormcloaks Get rid of the stormcloaks. No? Yes? Yeah, get rid of the stormcloaks. But that means we're going to have, like, insurrection. Like, there's no way that we can kill everyone who's a stormcloak.

It's like a guerrilla war sort of thing. I guess we've got to assume that our island fortress is heavily guarded enough that we get out of it. Or we just stay out of it. That's not our problem. Yeah. Become neutral. Just a neutral party. Okay. Look, we'll stop the person eating the world,

but we ain't gonna fucking do this Civil War bullshit. Do we have magic? Oh, we're friends with the Mages Guild. The elves who are controlling... The Empire's being controlled... The Eldmeri Dominion! The Eldmeri Dominion, this group of elves,

are controlling the Empire. There's too much going on! Yeah, yeah. And that's why the Stormc cloaks have revolted it's like these elves are trying to control everything and if we have any association with magic if we're in any way powerful the old merry dominion are going to be like you're our mates right and then we're basically we might as well just say we're siding with the empire so are we their mates yeah absolutely they're in charge yeah they're too powerful to Yeah, and if we're just trying to survive...

And if we oppose them, we get fucked. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, they're our best mates. They're our good friends. So then we have the Stormcloak insurrection. But if we stay off the mainland... They're not going to come for us. And what's the biggest that the Stormcloaks can throw at us?

Exactly. We've got werewolves and wizards on our side. Yeah, I think if we just say we're good with the Empire, but then don't do anything. Then we're fine. We're not like a threat. We're fine. Yeah. I think... Did we, on the main character front at least are we good well we had to save the world so we saved the world unfortunately that may get some big bads on our

ass because people will be like oh well you know who oh i'm gonna fuck him up plus also yeah like we saved the world then the townspeople are gonna think we'll do it again. I don't want that. Ah, but canonically, we don't have to do anything like that. That's true. That's another fucking destined hero down the track. Look, we did our destiny. Yeah. Our destiny, sort of.

Oh, we gotta be very... Oh, no, wait. All right. I'm just thinking, have you ever met the Ebony Warrior? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They do turn up later. But if we just don't... We just don't get to know them.

The Ebony Warrior is this Super powerful High level character Who when you get to a certain level Comes up and is like Fight me Yeah We just don't fight him

Or We say we fight him He walks off to Wherever it is that We fight at Because he says Oh meet me here We just never meet

We just don't We just avoid that place Like the plague Is he Why is he tough He's a tough fight Yeah he's a very hard fight. I'm a proud man.

Sam had died. Sam had's like, guys, we've worked so hard. He said that he gave us a duel, guys. I just feel it would be rude. You're killing me here. Literally and figuratively.

We came so far. There's three of us and we have followers. I don't know if I want to fight him. It might just be you, buddy. I think we could all three of us take him together. We might be able to. What's the point? Our honor is at stake. I'm going to defect if you guys do this.

Defect? You're leaving the castle? I'll go hang out with my werewolf buddies. You're not a werewolf anymore. I'll be like, sorry, I've changed my mind. Put me back in. So we're just lost to werewolves. And the werewolf buddies.

They're our enemies now. Are you for real doing this? I'll turn on you. You motherfucker! There's two of us! Now Merak had the right idea. You're going to be the only one. Are you him down? Oh, it's not even hard. It's illegal to be a werewolf.

We just tell the old Mary Dominion, our mates, that he's a werewolf. They figure it out for us. Crap. Good luck, mate. Get rid of my werewolfism, fellas. Change my mind again. Whoops. They're not.

Oh, man, you're on the run now. And plus, you don't have the help of two other lovely dragonborn. You get picked up somewhere on the roadside by imperial guards. Put me in a dungeon. I think they behead you on the side of the road. That's the old Mino Dominion. Well, you better hope they behead you on the side of a road, because otherwise you're getting tortured,

mate. Yes. What? It's part of the main storyline. Don't we make enemies with the old Mino Dominion? We go to their embassy and we fuck them over. We're not friends with the old Mino Dominion. We can't be. We don't have to choose the Empire. We can not friends with the Elmira Dominion. We can't be.

We don't have to choose the Empire. We can choose the Stormcloaks. It's best that we choose the Stormcloaks. But do they know? Because we go there under a false name. No, I think they'll find out. That's the best mission in the game. That mission is so dynamic

and then none of the others are. It's fucking annoying. It's like cause a distraction and you have thousands of options but then no other mission is at all that dynamic. It's good. It's fucking annoying. It's like cause a distraction and you have like thousands of options. But then like no other mission is at all that dynamic. And it's like. It's good. It's weird.

It is weird. Okay. So. So I guess we've got to side with the storm cloaks. Yeah, we've got to side with the storm cloaks. Because like. But then we're fighting the empire. We're fighting the empire.

But. Fellas. Oh, fuck off. By this point, surely we've lived good enough lives. The question was not how would you survive forever. Like by this point, I'd probably be happy to go. What if? Okay, Adam's going to immortality.

When we're doing the Dark Brotherhood, at the end, I have to kill the king. That's the last mission. When you kill the king, the king is like, that's fine, kill me. I understand. He's like, give me the goods. I will not fight you back.

I will not fight back if you promise me that you kill the person who gave me, who put the contract out on me. I'm going to be like, sure, dude, I'll do that. If you sign this little contract. That says we're good. Yeah, there you go. Then we kind of, we've sorted out the Empire side of things. No, no, no. Joel and I have sorted out our little problem.

That's right. You defected, motherfucker. I'm going to go hide in one of the caves with the spiders in. Eat the glowing fungus. I'll be right. That'll do me. You're going to get picked up by those fucking dark elves. Oh, crap.

Fucking the weird little... Falmer. Falmer. Anti-drow. Hope you're immune to poison. I, crap. Fucking the weird little... Falmer. Falmer. Anti-drow. Hope you're immune to poison. I'm not. Yeah. Guess what? You're not a vampire and you're not a werewolf. Both of which give you immunity

to poison. I'm just a man on the run. I'll hide in a Dwemer ruin. It'll be fine. So what's with the contract signing? That means... I'd just be like, yeah, I'll kill the guy, but just like, I don't know, sign a little thing that says, you know... Adam and Joel. Non-aggression agreement.

We won't fuck with you, you won't fuck with us, and presumably we've done that after we fuck the... Aldmeri. Aldmeri. So you just got your empire as your mates. We're not mates, we're just... So we side with the Stormcloaks. Yeah. I don't think we side with anyone. Once again, I think we... We have to not mates. So we side with the Stormcloaks. Yeah.

I don't think we side with anyone. Once again, I think we... We have to, though. Because I've got the... Because if we're head of the Mage Guild, then the Elven guys are like, you're on our sides. We could just be like, yeah, like before. We'd be like, yeah, we're working with you or whatever.

And then we just, like, kind of... Just don't. Oh, but we killed the old Merry Dominion guy in the Mages Guild story. Yeah, you do. This cave's looking pretty good right now, isn't it, fellas? All right. Yeah. All right.

We can salvage this. Okay. So. I'm listening. Jackson, you're welcome back in. Why? What is this? That castle is hidden.

No one knew about it. Okay. If we keep the castle to just us three. Okay. Okay. Then no one knows where it is. How do we find about it? We find out about it through the vampires that we are going to kill

The Dawnguard know about it Will the Dawnguard tell anyone? We could kill the Dawnguard But then why would we kill the Dawnguard? Then they don't know Dawnguard are unaligned They say they're factionless How about this?

Take the castle, so we kill a vampire Dawnguard likes sick Hey Dawnguard, we've got a new base of operations for you. If you give us three rooms. Ah. Dawnguard, have a new base. We have three rooms. Self-imprisonment, I mean.

Yeah. It's a life. It's not a great life, but it's a life. I think we still try to make as many friends as possible. Of course. But you say it's not a great life. That's a good life. It think we still try to make as many friends as possible. Of course, but you say it's not a great life. That's a good life. It's better than a filthy peasant life.

Exactly. And so, look, we're in prison, in quotation marks here, in a lovely castle, and that if we want it, if we get bored enough, we can't choof off to the mainland if we choose to. To meet our death. To meet our death. Yeah, when we're done. Yeah, to fight the Black Knight.

Ebony Knight, sir Knight The Ebony Knight Who has stomped his way To the Ebony Warrior I think it's Ebony Warrior To be like The fuck Where were you And I'm like

It's been We'll come when we're Good and ready Yeah we'll come when we're Good and ready It's been 70 years I've lived quite a good life I wanna go fight the Ebony Warrior

I've married a A lovely A Was it Sun Warriors What are they called again The Sun Guys The guys Vamp warriors what are they called again? the sun guys the vampires what are they called again?

Dorn Guard Dorn Guard I thought you were talking about the no no no the sun elves which are like no no no those are the elves

that make the old Mineric Dominion I'm like Zammett why are you jeopardizing us like this? what have you done? so I've married I've married a Dorn Guard a female Dorn Guard

I've raised a child I've lived a donguard, a female donguard. I've raised a child. I've lived a good life. It's been pretty good. And all right, let's fight, Ebony Warrior. I just put my sword down, and I, with open arms, welcome death. I don't think he kills you if you do that. Bullshit. I think the Ebony Warrior wants a fair fight.

You just punch him once in that opening. All right. Or just fight him. He'll probably kill you. Then I fight. You just punch him once and then open your arms. All right. Or just fight him. He'll probably kill you. Then I'll fight him once. Then I'll just like, oh, look, I dropped my sword. Yeah, get down on your knees. Then I'll just extend my neck.

Let's go. He's constantly extending my neck. It's fine. I'll put on my heaviest armor and walk into the sea. After having very unpleasant sex with all of the Argonians and Khajiits, the lizard ladies and the cat ladies, put on my heaviest set,

bid you adieu, Adam, and into the sea I go. I like to think I panic halfway through, but it's like the moment my head goes out of the water, I'm like, wait, Adam, Adam, blah, blah, wait, Adam I die in my bed I guess I don't know what the fuck's wrong with YouTube

Like Zabit leaves in the morning He's like, Zabit, don't, don't And then that afternoon I'm like, Adam You're like, goddammit I die in my bed surrounded by my family and friends Well, you want to die like a loser, I suppose. I'm the one who drowned in full plate armor.

That's the way I wanted to go. Or fucking just socked a guy in the face and opened my arm. That's an honorable death. Honorable death. Suicide by Ebony Warrior. I think it's honorable. That's not an honorable death. Honorable death. Suicide by Ebony Warrior. I think it's honorable. Suicide by Ebony Warrior.

That's not an honorable death. If I go up to some skinheads, slap one in the face and be like, come at me, bro. And when they gun me down, that's not an honorable death. No fair. Yeah, true. When they're making you taste the curb, you're not like, I've done my family proud.

I mean, I guess how we're making you taste the curb, you're not like, I've done my family proud. Well, then, I mean, I guess we're surviving, but, like, we are a hero, yeah? Yeah. Well, by the end of it, think of the things we've done. We're a hero. Like, we should be doing good. Oh, no, no, no. No, I'm not going to do good.

Like, you'd have that kind of, like, urge to kind of. I think you would as well, Jackson. I'm not doing good. No, you'd have that kind of like... You kind of have. I think you would as well, Jackson. I'm not doing good. No, you would, because doing bad makes enemies, and you don't want to do that. So you'd be the most polite motherfucker, and you've saved the world. So people are going to be like,

you've done all these great things. Like, not for the right reasons, but you have. I'll tell every single person it was against my will. Thank you, Sir Jackson, for saving the world. Didn't want to. Wouldn't have. But you did, and that's delightful. Yeah, well, I guess.

And they'd still be like Jackson the Surly. That's what they'll call you. Help me, there's spiders in the mine. Not my problem. Tell the guard. But then you might create almost like a Batman situation. Oh, no. Because if that person doesn't go to the mine,

and then someone, his parents die, he's going to be like, I'm going to blame you, Jackson the Surly. Oh, no. And then you've got a villain. So you have to help people. Because, again, with great power comes great responsibility. So. I like that this is almost like we've canonized that feeling you get when you look at all of your unfinished quests. So. I like that this is almost like we've canonized that feeling

you get when you look at all of your unfinished quests. Yep. Gotta do them. Oh fuck. What an awful thing. Trying to finish all

your quests. Oh no. Sitting in the castle being like we've lived a good life and I'm like still got something that's like clear out chidden of mine.

I'm like. Do you know if you get the quest to join the imperial legion and the storm cloaks if you join one of them the other one doesn't disappear fuck you skyrim i know don't ask me why i actually have never done either of the civil war quests the only time i tried to glitch out on on me. I wanted to. I always go team Cap. Shut up. So I think we've survived. I think, yeah, you've survived.

But is it a life worth living? No. I think it's probably better to... Actually, it's funny to imagine. You're like killing dragons, slaying awful beasts. You're like, oh, God damn. Because you don't... I don't know what I wanted out of life

at a base level you don't want to do any of this you don't I certainly don't you're like I'm probably a little bit excited I'm not gonna lie I'm a bit happy

you would but here's the thing you leave your behadding you know at the very start of the game you run into town you do your first quest it's very exciting

but by your sixth quest you're like I think it's like shit again yeah but then sixth quest, you're like, eh. This shit again. Your life is not literally always on the line, though. But then it's kind of like, look, you're stopping the world ending. And that's going to be exciting. You have to do that, right? But then it's kind of like, what other bullshit happens that you kind of swept up in?

Yeah, I suppose. Because you're going to be like, yep, I did that. But then you're like, well, now I have to survive. Fuck. And everything from then onwards, I think you're going to be doing, you'd be doing reluctantly. I'd be doing reluctantly. You're doing like, you know, but during the mage guild,

and he's like, kill this motherfucker. I know, you're like, I have no stake in any of this. And you're right. You'd have that in a turmoil. I'd be like, all right, well, I want to survive. I'm like, okay, well, if I kill this person, then these people are going to come after me. And if I do that, Jesus.

And then you'd have to be sort of just have your own little map. You'd just have to be like, all right. People who are my friend, people who are my enemy. And it's like, what can I keep secret and what can I not keep secret? Because you're either going to have to be really secretive, right? So you're going to have to just be like, I can't tell anyone anything or be so transparent that, you know, no one can really pick a fight with you because, you know,

you'd be like, oh, that's honest Zalman. Don't fuck with him. He's a lovely man. He's so honest. All right, new plan. Yeah. So in the Island of Solstheim, there a unique set of armor Okay made of like magic ice There's only one set

So I make a big show Hey I'm going to get this armor It's gonna be great I Jackson B Bailey The dragon born himself Who will one day save the world I'm gonna go get this armor I get it

No we have to save the world You guys, you're taking care of that. Are you fucking for real? Let me hear my plan. So, I go get the armor. Find the nearest person. I'm like, do you want this armor?

Give me the armor. Fuck off. Back to my spider cave. Are you absolutely fucking for real you little shit? Also I'll play as an Argonian and find an Argonian because they all look the same. And done. Alright.

So. Here's what we're going to do. Got him good. We are either going to go to the Solcarn, one of the spirit places or part of the main quest eventually you get to um basically valhalla i forget what they call it uh do you remember uh uh uh something i forget fuck i can't wait to say jottenheim

is it jottenheim whatever it's basically heaven yeah it's like a nordic sort of valhalla type Can we say Jotunheim? Is it Jotunheim? Something Jotunheim. Whatever. It's basically heaven. Yeah, it's like a Nordic sort of Valhalla type thing. We go to either one of those, and then we just let the world be eaten. Oh, all right. Hey, true. Then we're living in the afterlife. Well, not you.

You get eaten in your spire cave. I'm assuming Fela in the ice arm will take care of it. I don't even know why this took me so long. We could literally just go to heaven. Like, we don't have to die to do it. Sort of. Got that one done. We still need to do that training stuff to get there. Oh, yeah, of course.

But once we're there, we're kind of like, good. I like that we started training, then you're like, I'm going to chuff off to a spider cave. I'll be there with them. I'll see you soon. Where'd he go? Where's he gone? Piece of shit, he left us.

He abandoned us. He's abandoned us. Heaven? Heaven. If he apologizes, I'll let the NPCs that can just tank that fight for you know how to finish the fight. It's like these three NPCs who, if you're just like, hey, I'm ready to finish the game, they're like, sick. And you can just let them do it. Thumbs up, buddies. You can take care of it.

Perfect. I think we survived pretty bloody well. If I get a written apology. No, no, no. I'm staying in my spider cave until I poke my head out being like, did they do It's been a while. I hope they saved us. Rest in peace,

Sir Jackson the Surly. And we don't need to deal with any of that bullshit. No. Oh, man. How much easier is that? We just stayed out of so much trouble. How much easier is it to just die? Wait, is dying really surviving?

Technically, we haven't died. We actually just travel to the afterlife. You just kind of walk there. Yeah. I forget how you get there. I don't died. We actually just travel to the afterlife. You just kind of walk there. Yeah. I forget how you get there. I don't remember. That seems important. I think there's some bullshit magic involved.

How do you get... These are Elder Scrolls. Yeah, I think it's something to do with Elder Scrolls. But you'll get to that point in the main quest anyway. You'll just arrive there. So basically, we'll do the main quest, because we'll think we've got to do all this crap and then we'll get to this point where we're like,

we have to fight a dragon priest to get there. Remember that? No, we have to run past the dragon priest to get there. You're going to probably avoid most fights. Because honestly, if that's our main goal, do we know about Jotunheim? If it's called Jotunheim. As we just complete the main quest,

we learn about it, yeah. All right, so we don't know about it. What I'm saying is we can't game this and be like, we don't care from the word go. We have this one mission. You just quickly watch a fucking speed run of Skyrim. Because I'm saying, because if we knew about it, then yeah, we'd run past Dragon Priest.

But if we didn't know about it... Look, you might lose a limb or whatever, but for the most part, you'll be fine. Plus, we're like, you know, we're specializing in healing and spells and shit. This would be so much easier in Oblivion. I'm just letting you guys know. And on that note, I've been Jackson Bailey. I've been

Adam. And I've been Joel. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba-da-ba-ba-ba-da-ba. Not any closer. Literally the same distance, actually. And that's how we would survive Skyrim. And if you guys have any better ways to survive Skyrim, if you think you should join Jottenheim or hang out with Jax in his

spider cave, let us know. Email us in. SansPantsRadio.gmail.com. If you have the time to google the name of the afterlife in Skyrim feel free to let us know. Yeah, just hit us up on Twitter. Just at SansPantsRadio or me personally at Goddammit zammit

at old dogs are dead at retroarchetype we'll see you next week oh it's sovereign god it's called

sovereign god it's sovereign god I fucked it's sovereign god if you think this show was worth at least a dollar, why not donate to our Patreon account?