Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Survive Order 66?

Episode Date: December 12, 2021

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I bet all y'all out there were wanting to start your 2022 right. Well, too bad, because Plumbing the Death Star is here to ensure that you start your year wrong with a brand new live show at the Comedy Republic. In 2019, we did an episode called How Would You Curse a Small Village that came out so heinous we couldn't put it on the public feed. And now, inadvisedly, we're putting it on the public stage by giving it another go and asking once again, how would you curse a small village? February 19th, 5.30pm at the Comedy Republic.

Tickets are $20 and you can grab them right now from the Comedy Republic website, link in the show notes below. Once again, that's February 19th, 5.30pm at the Comedy Republic. Come see Plumbing the Death Star live and think to yourself, yuck. You're listening to the Sands Pants Network. Home of comedy, culture, adventures, and ghosts.

I'll start the episode. You're already going in with bad tastes in your mouth and it rolls. Hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star. I'm Joel. I'm Jackson. And I'm also Joel. Where we ask the important questions like, how would you survive Order 66? Now, before anyone jumps in, Jackson, we started recording this halfway through. You said a fuck sentence.

So I'd just like you to quickly explain to the audience, what is Order 66? The bad Jedi. What bad Jedi? Anakin Skywalker and his cronies. Okay, you know what? I won't interrupt. Explain what happens with Order 66. So Anakin Skywalker and his cronies.

The bad Jedi. The bad Jedi. They get some kind of instruction from some old man. The old man being? Might be Palpatine. Who can say say and that's to kill all the good jedi yep and they do this through maybe the clone army who all get a message on their phone that says kill all the good jedi and so anakin and his cronies plus the clone army go around shooting every jedi bar the ones that are clever enough to escape off into

space how shockingly kind of close you're close you've just added extra steps yeah what did i add i'm writing fan fiction um there's no bad jet well there is the only bad jedi are palpatine and anakin they're bad jedi yeah but there's no the sith yeah but anakin doesn't have cronies of bad jedi there's no cronies? No. Who does he kill the younglings with? He does that himself. By himself and a couple of stormtroopers. I thought he had like six guys with him.

There's some stormtroopers, I think. Maybe that's what I'm thinking of. He's walking up the steps and he's like, There's some cronies! I'm pretty sure it's just him. Anyway, what happens is that all the clones secretly... Okay, well, even if there is cron is, the cronies aren't Jedi. I never said they were Jedi!

Yes, you did. You kept saying bad Jedi. The bad Jedi. The bad Jedi colon Anakin Skywalker and his cronies. So, Order 66 is when Palpatine has finally assumed power.

He's being voted... Number one guy in the galaxy. No, because he was Supreme Chancellor, and then he flips it to Emperor. And when that happens, then he's like, all right, clones. Get your little boop on your phone. They've got a chip in their head. Oh, that's cool.

He activates Order 66, which basically is like, it flips them. So they're like, Oh, Jedi are enemy. So all the Jedi gets shot by clones. There's no bad Jedi floating around being like, except Anakin, I guess. Okay. Well, yeah, exactly. So I was kind of actually right. No. So, well, yeah. Yeah. I was basically right. He was like, he's in the ballpark. Like, honestly, um, he swung and he did connect. It didn't go as far as... Babe Ruth. It wasn't a home run.

It wasn't Babe Ruth. But at least he got to third base. Babe Ruth of pop culture, right here. Yeah, I said Babe Ruth. I'm talking with a cockney accent. Yeah, he stumbled and he got to third. I'm impressed. I'm impressed, Jack. Thank you. Well, yeah, because usually when people have a vague idea of something, they go with broad strokes and they miss finer details. Jackson, usually when he explains stuff,

adds details like, who'd you think? Oh, water died as of a heart. No, I thought he was, and I thought, yeah,

Palpatine died of a heart attack. No, well, you've gone, you went, you went, she's also kind of close. Yeah.

No, kind of. He's thrown down a hole. Yeah. But electrocuted, that probably gave him, probably wasn't good for the dick. He's not wrong. What do you mean? You're wrong. If. But electrocuted probably wasn't good for the ticker. You're wrong.

What do you mean? You're wrong. If you get electrocuted, it's not good for your ticker. Your ticker's in trouble, buddy. Well, actually, I guess electrocution does stop your heart. Yeah. Well, start it again. Yeah, look, you swang for the fences.

You connected. Swang. Swang. Swang for the fences. You had a swing for the fences. Swung is what the word is. But anyway had a swing for the fences? You swung. But anyway, yes. And I was basically like, you went first, then you went home.

People were like, no. Wrong way. Oh, sorry. Sorry, I'm new to this game. Usually I just swing and miss. You ran to the pitcher's mound. Is this where I'm meant to be? Can I lie down yet? You can never lie down.

What? What's a sport where you can lie down? I don't think any of them. That sucks. You'd seen a photo of a baseball player sliding to the base and assumed that it was a still pitcher and he was lying down. That sounds great. I'm great at lying down.

He's so stretched out. That seems relaxing. Good for the spine. I've become the Babe Ruth of this sport I'm going to be the Babe Ruth of baseball Hey JD With this chip in their brain Yeah

It says I'm looking at Wookipedia Which is never a great start It might actually be like a full on chip in their brain It just says I'm just reading and like Like however the chip Blah blah blah

It's like Failure to comply with the order Was deemed an act of treason As such Any clone trooper Who defied the order was also subject to execution. But if it's a chip in the brain... It might actually be a chip in the brain.

It could just be... Maybe it's like a chip in the brain, but it gives them a... You should kill some Jedi. Kill some Jedi. I'm the Chancellor or whatever. You gotta do it. So for this scenario... Because clones are also...

I mean, you gotta remember, clones are Jango Fett, who's a bad guy. True. Second of all, clones don mean, you got to remember, clones are Jango Fett, who's bad guy. True. Second of all, clones don't give a shit, they're clones. Oh yeah, some clones were immune to the order.

Oh yeah, that's right, some, the bad batch, had bad chips in their brain. Oh, bad clones. Bad clones are bad.

Bad chips. I'm getting dangerously, so what happens with my Star Wars knowledge, and why we often get screamed at is, my knowledge of the movies is usually pretty good.

And I know some extended universe stuff, but not enough. But I always say it confidently. And then people are like, you fucking idiot. We all swang for the fence. We all go home first. Everyone's like, wrong. One of us goes to third. Someone goes and gets a hot dog.

We're in the same ballpark. I'm the Babe Ruth of eating hot dogs at the baseball We're doing our best Michael Jordan of dunking hot dogs into my gob Into the basketball Where'd he get that from? Why is that on the field? Where'd the basketball go?

On the ground Oh wait I wanted to eat that Fuck I've been eating this fucking basketball the whole time I got confused Where'd he get a basketball from? Watch Michael Jordan dunk a hot dog, and then you turn to look at me in the stands eating a basketball,

and you're like, what happened? No. How did you do that? Do what? That's from the bite. Anyway, so we got to be three Jedis. Okay. I assume if we were Jedis, we wouldn't, we'd be keeping quiet.

You know, I don't want to get involved in Jedi politics. I mean, we're all, we're all for some reason generals in an army. So does that mean all

Jedis become trained in military, like, strategy? Well, that's the thing with the Star Wars timeline. Yeah. Like, Jedis sort of

just kept to their own shit. So we're younglings. No, seriously. No, I'm just saying, in terms of an order of, like, you order of our day-to-day life, we're born. We're chockers full of space bugs.

They're just like, go get taught by this goblin man. We go to the goblin, the goblin's like, that is... Goblin I am. Small and disgusting to look at. I am goblin. I am Goblin. I am Goblin. When I become 10, I could just shove you over, dude.

Anyway. See, you try. I'd like to. He's getting angry. You get behind him on all fours. I'll shove him and then he'll just trip over like a big idiot. If you get behind him on all fours to push him over, you just push him and he doesn't fall over because you hit him like up higher in his back and he's like, you shoved me wrong.

Yeah. Little dude. He's talking normal for that. I can talk normal when I am fucking pissed off. Yeah. But then so we stop being younglings. So we're younglings, we're taught in the Jedi ways. Oh yeah. We've been raised at the wrong time.

Born in the wrong generation. No, no, no, no, no. It's important because this is something that you will probably like to know because it's the kind of thing that you would yell at with the Jedi. But at the point... My end goal is us to be... It's a bit of a jizz. A hell of a bit of jizz for the business.

So my end goal here would be for us to be generals during the Order 66. But to answer, sorry, I just wanted to go back and answer your question about how you're like, all the Jedi's are generals, that's fucked, yeah. But even like Star Wars is like, yeah, Jedi's got too big for their boots, which is why Palpatine's like, I mean, Palpat that's fucked, yeah. But even like Star Wars is like, yeah, Jedi's got too big for their boots, which is why Palpatine's like, I mean, Palpatine's a bad guy. So, I mean, he'd probably just murder them. He'd probably do it anyway.

But yeah, like the Jedi used to keep out of stuff, and then slowly they became like military. Yeah, well you've got Qui-Gon being like, we're here for negotiations, and then they fuck around with politics. You're basically nuns, what are you doing here? Well, it's like nuns with guns. That's pretty cool. In fact, maybe we should send

nuns out to, you know, deal with some trade. Yeah, nuns would figure it out. They're tough. It's the next global summit. Instead of sending our prime minister, we send nuns with guns. Climate change? Yeah, we'll deal with it what are you gonna

do shoot the sun and they go and stay on the beach imagine it works has anyone tried i don't think anybody shot the sun yet no imagine we just shoot the sun it just shrinks a bit like oh we did it oh that'll fix it we just gotta shoot it once every like two decades or whatever two decades well a lot of people use aerosol quickly yeah but what we're gonna ask so we're younglings we get trained in the jedi ways and then i'm presuming that means we're like we learn jedi shit we do four stuff and do we also learn like army shit i think the gen because but like what if i'm like one of those cunts just in like the council meeting?

Am I also a general? Yeah. Yeah, because they send out everybody. They're the top generals. They're like the general generals. They're the ones that... It doesn't matter. I was going to say,

those are the ones that will die in bed. A reference to that book that I had to study in high school, Generals Die in Bed. But I don't know why that's in my brain. I guess high school just fucked with my head. So if those generals die in bed, but these generals are on the front line.

Shut in the back. They seem to be generaling wrong. Yeah, true, true, true, true. Why are they generaling from the front line? Isn't the whole point of being a general? You can general from the back and send all your troops in? The Jedi's didn't know what they were doing. Who trained these?

There's also two levels. Remember, there's two levels of Jedi's. There's Jedi Padawan and Jedi Knight, or Jedi Knight has to be a different thing. Masters and apprentices. Yes. So presumably apprentices aren't generals, but Anakin's an apprentice and he is. Yeah.

They never call him General Skywalker. Yeah. They definitely say General Kenobi. I don't think even at 30 I'd be, like, I would be still. You've been a Jedi for 25 years. Because, yeah, you've got your younglings. They ain't in the army. No.

They're in the, like, university. They're in Jedi heaven. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so then you've got your apprentice and your master, and the master, I'm guessing, is the general, and they're all leading a squadron? Yeah. Yeah. Probably, but I don't imagine i'd be on the front lines i mean again what kind of like if we're younglings and then we're being taught the jedi ways of like leading an army yeah and then we're like i'm a dumb fuck yeah you lead from the front

yeah the bullets are but also like you've only been like jedis have only had an army for like two years so why are they teaching us how to be a general at what point how what the training to be a gen how long but then because like yeah the clones roll in in the clone attack of the clones movie yeah and yoda's like war this will bring yeah Yeah. Jedi should not be fighting. Should. Hmm. What? Sorry.

Sorry. Stresses me this house. Let me get your thoughts in order before you speak, dude. Panicked I am. What? Yeah, but so what are you saying? You're saying that. 21 years 2023 presumably terrible

generals then well i mean clearly yeah every single jedi they don't win yeah yeah and again in terms of when you want to like a strategic like looking at a battle and if you're the person who's in charge of your troops you shouldn't be in front of them because they have guns and you have a sword oh yeah absolutely if you were being like okay this is like the battle whatever's happening and i need to be like that's their army that's our army okay and now i need to be the one kind of like taking everything in as a whole yeah and looking at things and being like okay i'm gonna be the one giving orders to be like hey you go over there you go over there you do this you do that and the best way to do that is, you know, from behind.

And you get, like, perhaps a better overview of the fight. It is cool to imagine every single Jedi when they're planning out the attack or whatever. They're like, right, so obviously, step one, I'll just run out there and start slicing. That seems to be every single one of theirs. If we are taught that, this is how you general we are taught that Damaged Jedi is a fucking magic. So if it was a wizard in charge of a regular army, and the wizard

was like, I'm going to go out there and start doing spells and you do the war on people. Well, you're going to mop up the rest. If I was a wizard, I would be like, I'll start hucking spells from behind. It is funny though, because if you're leading from behind in this Order 66,

probably doesn't work as well. Well, yeah, I'm seeing them. They're all turning around looking at me. I'm like, I'm sus. Wait a second. I'm a sus. You've got to face the bad guys. If you're facing me, then I'm your bad.

Oh, no. And also at this point, I would assume if I, again, if a general did this sort of like army, I'd be in like some kind of airship up high. Yeah, but that's piloted by clones. Yeah. Fuck. They're going to crash you into the...

Well, I was imagining a leisure cruise that was more like, you know... Where's our general when there's Amazon fucking some space ocean sipping a Mai Tai? Yeah. Do I have something to do today? Generals die at the beach thinking about forgetting they're at war. Was I meant to be at war today or is that tomorrow? If I'm in charge of a squadron, I'm like, well, look, it's stupid for me to be in the front line. That's probably shit.

I'm going to go get a little... It's stupid for me to be in the back line. It's stupid for me to be paying attention. It's probably smart for me to relax. Well, no, I'm going to be like... I want to be... It's a stressful job. Yeah, it is.

Well, I'm going to be like, all right, well, I want to get an airship. Yeah. Then I want to be a bit higher. And then- Higher. Higher. Higher. And then once I'm in this airship, and then I can convey everything, and then I'm like,

oh, yeah. And then there'd be a couple of days before I'm like, what if I had a nice couch just for a while? I see what you mean. The luxury creeps up on you like a mold. I understand that we're like watching all our good men. But you're like, I'm not on the front lines, so I don like a mold. I understand that we're watching all our good men. But you're like, I'm not on the front lines, so I don't need to.

Also, I'm watching all these clones die, and are clones really people? No. Hey, you know what? I need a bar in here. Okay. Somehow, slowly over time, Zammett gets killed in a smoky, flying, full-on tavern. Drinking a fucking whiskey. Oh, yeah, give me another one.

I'm just a clone place. In the head. A guy playing piano in the corner. Do you know that you're at war? Oh my God, you're right. How they doing? Looking at the view. They should go over there.

Hey, give me a phone. Give me a phone. Let me text. Let's not even tell them. They should go over there. Grab their phone. Start texting. Get the order.

Kill Jedis. What's order 66? What the fuck is this? I have to kill you now. Why? You want a Mai Tai? Sorry? Mai Tai in Bimbo! There was a bullet in this Mai Tai. They use blasters.

They just put a full-on slug in there that you choked on. Oh what a way to go! This is why we outlawed guns! Then we were choking on it. Too many people were shooting a bullet into their drink and choking on it. That's why they outlawed regular blasters, regular guns in the Star Wars universe. Can't choke on a blaster blast. Blaster bolt is famously undrinkable.

You shoot a blaster bolt into your drink or it does heat it up a little. Or maybe makes a big hole in it and you've got no drink. You're like, damn, I was thirsty. That didn't work like with the old guns. I miss the old guns where a bullet would just

make my drink batter on something. Bounce off the side of the glass. And I could drink it. Who can say what they did? It was tasty. We don't know why we did that in the past. Don't worry about it. But we shot our drinks.

But it became such a choking accident we had to move to plasters. Don't worry about why we were shooting our drinks inside a portal. You know what the first few years When that happened Everyone would get their drinks Start shooting them Ah the waste of drinking What a waste of drinking bullet

Ah god Waste of my time Ah it's gone Look look look This is made better by the gun The gun fire Yeah And they'd be like

Oh give me a drink And then pew pew pew Oh my drink's gone Oh no And there's a hole to the table Into my foot Fuck it all Ah I miss bullets You and bullets Remember when bullets were good Yeah God damn it Pew, pew, my drink's gone. And there's a hole to the table into my foot. Fuck it all.

I missed bullets. Everyone's bullets were good. Yeah, god damn it. And now a quick word from our sponsors. Jackson here to interrupt your show and tell you that you should be listening to Shut Up a Second, Sands Pants Radio's oldest and longest running podcast. It's got a simple premise. We pick a topic, anything from shoes to big bellies,

and then we just try to be funny about it for 30-odd minutes. It's a blast. So search for Shut Up A Second wherever you find your podcasts. So how are you avoiding 2066? I think I'd be avoiding it mostly by being in a leisure group. But it depends how useful are these clones? Because if they're manning the bars,

if they're good at it, are they good at it? I would imagine. I think the first fucked up Mai Tai, they're all getting fired and replacing him with regular Twi'leks or whatever. Yeah, yeah.

Twi'leks specifically. Yeah, fair enough. They seem like they're good at making a beer. Yeah, but you've got to remember that your pilot would probably still be a clone trooper. Yeah. There's only one guy I've got to get. Yeah, bro. The moment he's like, Barry, why are we going nose first?

Are we sinking? Yeah. But then, like, so you will also need security. But see, the thing is, the trick is, for surviving Order 66, none of us can play in for it. You know what I mean? Because we don't know what's coming. We don't know what's coming. So, yeah.

So by pure hapistats, if I'm getting rid of most of my clones, if they're doing a bad job. Because, again, if it's a pilot who's piloting a leisure cruise and he's seeing all his clone mates die, he might get a bit uppy and be like, maybe we should go there and fight them, sir. And I'd be like, you know what? You can. Off you go. And I replace him with, I don't know, someone else. Like a handset. Zammett could be the first general killed

before Order 66 is announced. He keeps firing his clones. General Zammett. And look, I'm a man The clones just roll a thermal detonator into your bar I'm a man who loves some nepotism So I'll be hiring my good buddies On that sweet Jedi box

To like you know pilot this ship Be the bartender That's funny if it's either me or Dusha Because we have our own clone army we're meant to be looking after I don't know how to fly a plane I'll get Adam or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's clever. Surely I've got some good buddies down in

Grossendorf. But if you have no clones on the ship that you're commanding from, and you're not paying attention to the war... Again, you'd turn around and be like, is that a missile? Yeah, that's another thing. They'd just shoot you out of the air. How far away have I drifted?

I don't know. I would think quite a lot. We're over the sea. Where's my army? Where's my war? What planet are we on again? So Zomit might avoid Order 66 by virtue of just being elsewhere when it happened. So I think, because again, it depends on how useless a clone is at making a Mai Tai.

At, you know, all those kinds of- Well, a Mai Tai's a simple drink to make. Yeah, but they don't know how to, like, again, I don't think they're going to be great.

Plus, you're in Star Wars, you're not drinking a Mai Tai. You're drinking some other nonsense space drink that's got blue milk and bubbles in it. And that probably seems a bit more complicated

than a regular Mai Tai. So again, I think- Well, but, and hey, this- And plus, again, a clone is not designed for pleasure. True. A clone is designed for war. Do you- I think... Well, but, and hey, this... And plus, again, a clone is not designed for pleasure. True. A clone is designed for war. Do you...

So then I'd be definitely, you know, filtering them out. But how, like, intense is the clone's desire to kill Zammett? If Zammett's, like, say you're left, you're shipped with no clones in it, are they going to hunt you down still? Well, yeah. Have you only sorted part one of Escaping Order 66, which is escaping the immediate

gunfire? Yeah, they don't just like, alright, we got one shot of this. Alright, everyone that we killed, well done. Any survivors? Well, they're free to go. Hey, Sailor V, too bad. But do hunt down, I mean, there is like a lot of different Jedi's out there. There's that one played by Freddie Prinze Jr. Yeah. Kid Fisto.

Not the same guy. Kid Fisto's killed by Palpatine he dies pretty quickly but Zammett is chased down is my point well the problem is being blissfully unaware will probably be great for the first phase

but terrible for the second phase but again if we're drifting we don't know where we're going they just look up assuming at this point once it's just kind of like there would be transponders going off there'd be some kind of

we'd have to like sober up very quick absolutely like we'd still be a bit tipsy but well yeah that's the problem depending on the team that I've got

you'd be unaware I'm imagining like a Han Solo type in the pilot seat and maybe we get a yeah I'll just get the best pipe I'm firing all my clones I said hand solo type

okay guy in a vest yeah someone that's stealing from you then probably guy in only a vest nah a man stealing from me in the Star Wars

stealing from a Jedi that's brave that's powerful put him in the pilot seat but it's funny because you drift I guess you might find out down the track

but it's so funny to imagine you just drifting being like we should get back to the war or back to the Jedi Council or whatever. Landing. What happened here, though? And then shot in the head, I guess. Or again, just like, well, what?

You know what? Maybe back to the leisure cruise. Yay! Alright, boys, back up. We stay in the sky forever, boys. Remember, just leisure cruise my way until luke fixes it yeah yeah yeah what do we think sam got away with it i honestly think that he'll survive the first part but not the second part again depends on the second part how how quickly news travels yeah in terms of transpondering and stuff like that and being like hey did you heal but then also like

because you clearly are not going to be good to your crew based on the fact you fired them all because one didn't know how to make a Mai Tai. Well, I fired the clones. Yeah, but what if these guys mess up? I'm good to the other crew. What if they mess up? Well, they're good. That's why we hired them. Okay, so you hired them.

He has a great team, but they're not going to protect him. Well, no. We're now just like, uh-oh. And if you've got a Han Solo type, there's a chance he just sells you out immediately. That's true. Again, would there be other kind of, like, apprentice-y? And if you've got a Han Solo type, there's a chance he just sells you out immediately. Again, would there be other kind of apprentice-y? Plus I'd have my apprentice. Oh yeah. You're a master, eh?

You've got a Padawan, do you? Well, I'm a general, so we're apprentices general. Should you bring a Padawan to war? Well, Padawans did go to war. Should you bring a Padawan to a pleasure cruise? But then also, that means that you're going all, you would ditch your apprentice faster than you'd ditch your clones. You're an even

bigger target, too, if it's you and your apprentice. Yeah. Because your apprentice would be like, Master, we should not be doing this. You'd be like, ugh. But if they're trained by me, ugh. Yeah, it doesn't matter. Think about, um... Look at you two fucks. Yeah, but like, look at Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon

as an example, where Qui-Gon's like, Jedi are pretty fucked, and Obi-Wan's like, Master, you should not be saying these things. I think that... Because also, they get trained by you, but then they also still go to the Jedi Academy, and Yoda's like, what? He is? If I get some shit kicker, Jedi, that'll be all right.

Either way. Unfortunately, you've got to remember Imagine you're paired up With a young Upstart priest That's the vibe Full of ideals Yeah

He would have They would have gone To the front line I would have been Look I'll be I'll be watching I'll be watching On the surveillance ship

Yeah yeah yeah I think what happens Is that back at the Jedi Council As they're watching The Jedi's drop On the screen They see Zammet, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think what happens is that back at the Jedi Council, as they're watching the Jedi's drop on the screen, they see Zammett's pleasure cruiser get missiled out of the sky, and they're like, oh. Those ones were sad. This one is indifferent.

I don't want to say good. It's like, that's important. But his soldiers lost every encounter they ever had. Do Jedi's go to heaven and Sith go to hell? Is that how it works? They either become the force again or they become a ghost. Yeah, we all lose our jackets and go up to heaven. You don't get to take your clothes to heaven.

But then you do, though. Yeah. You lose your real life clothes, but you get ghost clothes. That's fair. And no matter how bad you are. So we're all kicking it sweet in Jedi heaven. Yeah. I tell you what I'm going to do.

I imagine I never made it to the front line of course they were like you don't even get a lightsaber or whatever have this stick they just give me a flavored they give me a badge you would do kind to me you would do so well on my pleasure i'm sure i would but i like to imagine they just put me in some corner of the jedi building or whatever to just while away the hours with meaningless tasks, you know? They're like, Jackson,

you need to catalog every single one of these crystals, but they're like kyber crystals that have got no juice anymore. And they don't tell me how. And so I just do nothing all day. I'm just sitting there with these dead crystals, like putting them in boxes. Like, um, I guess that's good.

The Jedi's come by. Great job, Jackson. That's good. They put all of those in a box. Yeah. Just put those box in this furnace. Yeah. I guess that's good. The Jedi's come by. Great job, Jackson. That's good. They're putting all of those in a box. Yeah, just put those box in this furnace. Yeah, I guess that makes sense. And then I imagine when I find that Order 66 is happening,

I just shave all my hair off. Are you in the building of the Jedi? Yeah. You're getting got by Anakin. Yeah, but I shave all my hair off. No, but you don't know. You've got the same problem as me. No, but I hear all the fighting happening outside. And I'm like, in my little office, I'm like all my hair off. Who am I? You don't know. You've got the same problem as me. No, but I hear all the fighting happening outside and I'm like, in my little office,

I'm like, oh fuck, and I get out my little shaver. I just got a big egg head. Samet, you didn't shave all your hair off. That's true. So when Anakin bursts through the door and he sees a man shaving, he's gonna be like, oh, I see, just a bald bald man jedis are famously have hair jackson bailey the jedi no i've got an egghead i'm egghead the boy i'm eggmondu i'm just passing by and then i just try and step past him cut it off with a lightsaber you try and step past him

his lightsaber is already on he just walks walk through it. I just bisect it. My top half slides off. My legs keep walking. Using your arms to crawl along. Anyway, I'll see you later. Just keep on trying to fake it. Like, use the force to put my torso back on my legs. Yeah, so long.

I'm Egg Mondo. Don't have any midichlorians or whatever. Holding my pants so that my top half doesn't slide off my bottom half. You're now like an inch or two shorter. That's just the way it's been disintegrated. Tell your friends, Eggmondoo is here. Eggmondoo, pass it through. Not a Jedi.

Don't know how to do any of the spells or whatever, okay? And then I'll just find someone to sew up my middle. Get some robo legs. Like the dark mall boy. Just get some duct tape. Duct tape that middle up. And then I'm off. Yeah, get like robo, like a robo strip.

Yeah, exactly. And then nobody's any the wiser. Anakin's got more important fish to fry. Exactly. It's robo. No, it's egg mondu with robo guts. I'm egg mondu bot. Okay? I'm a droid or whatever.

Droids can't be Jedi. Yeah, they got no magic juice. Exactly, because droids can't grow hair. He's bald as shit. You and Lobot are just like hanging out. Lobot's like, you're not a droid, and you're like, I'm Eggmondoo Bot. I'm actually Eggmondoo Bot, so I'm actually a droid, and I'm also not a Jedi, okay? I don't know if you know this, but I am definitely not a Jedi.

I'm not Jackson Bailey, the Jedi Master, okay? No! Who's that? He's got hair! Who are you bringing up? Let me show you a photograph. He's got hair and walks in a robot. I got a holograph or whatever of Jackson the Jedi.

See? He's putting rocks in a furnace! Yeah, I got no hair, I'm actually Eggmondoo. Coming out into the, like, where all the spaceships are, being like, hair. I'm actually Eggmondoo. Coming out into the world of the spaceships I'll be like, is there a ship for Eggmondoo? That's me. I need to go. No, there's one for Jackson Bailey though. I guess I'll take it. He's not

around, right? He got probably killed because all the Jedi are dead. All the Jedi are killed for some reason by that other Jedi. I don't know. The bad Jedi? I'm not preparing a person. Jackson Bailey, he's a doofus. Not me, Eggmondoo. He wouldn't even care.

In fact, Jackson Bailey said I could have his machine, his spaceship. Yeah, it's a good gift to robots kind, me. Give it to my favourite droid, Eggmondoo is what he said, I think. And that's me, I'm Eggmondoo.

The reason I'm giving this to you is because you are definitely not a Jedi. Yeah, you're a robot or whatever! You're a robot's gotta be Jedi! So I'll just get in that spaceship. It's funny because I'm imagining saying this to a clone. Who, as you walk away, just shoots you in the back of the head. My brain slides out when I force it back into my head. The back of my skull has exploded open. Egg Mondu, that's right. I'm cracked Egg Mondu.

Holding in your belly has been sliced up, using the force to kind of just put all the, just like sending the shards of my skull back into the back of my brain. I'm Egg Mondu. I'm cracked Egg Mondu, bud. And I got to go to my home planet now. Goodbye. And then just crashing the spaceship, like, not going out the hole,

crashing it into the building. I'm Eggmond Dubot. And then just falling apart, I guess. Excuse me. It's not my spaceship, of course. Don't have a response to me. I'm not Jackson Bailey. I'm Egg Muldubot

I fly the the egg ship the good ship egg ship his brain is just leaking out your several orifices

flying my guts are hanging out because I didn't poorly put myself back together fly the spaceship out a little bit just crash

I'll get it out of space I'll just catch a cab, okay? He's like crawling out, one hand in front of the other. This is a mid-flame ship. Taxi! Taxi, please! Hey, how you doing?

Eggmondubot. Eggmondubot needs to get back to his home planet. Of egg food. That's where I live. Can you get me there, sir? You're very unwell. Nope, I feel great. This is just how egg Mondoos look. See, I'm egg Mondoobot from the race Egg Mondoos.

We don't need our brains or legs. We just need to go back to egg food. We never even had legs. I never had legs. These are fake. Let me slop off them, okay? Yeah. That's good. I'm had legs. These are fake! Let me slop off them, okay? Ow!

That's good! I'm not a Jedi. I'm not a Jedi. Have you heard of the Jedi Jackson Bailey? Not really. Well, I'm not him. I haven't heard of him. I'm Eggmondoo. I've heard of Eggmondoo, but that's me. I'm not a Jedi. I'm not sure you have as well. Die in the back of a cab.

Please stop being sick in my taxi. Take me to the spaceport so I may go home. You can imagine I make it to the spaceport. To Egg Fu, please. There's no such planet. There must be because I'm Egg Mondo. Just give me one of the planets shaped like an egg. That's the one.

It's shaped like an egg. You might call it a different name. You got it. To all the one. It's shaped like an egg. You might call it a different name, but... You got it. To all the Eggmondobots... Vision swimming in and out as I desperately try to stay alive. One ticket to Egg Food, please hurry up! Constantly being chased, i.e. just clone troopers strolling towards him.

Oh, there's Jackson Bailey. He's not dead yet. That's weird. Let me just shoot him a couple there's Jackson Bailey. He's not dead yet. That's weird. Let me just shoot him a couple times in the back. He'll be dead soon. Just one ticket. Thank you. Did you mean Naboo, sir?

Yep, yep. That's what I said. Getting in the big spaceship to go to Naboo, like struggling to read the in-flight magazine. Oh, that's cool. I might order a sandwich later. One egg salad sandwich. We love eggs.

I'm Egg Bondu. Excuse me, sir. What is the best food for another Jedi? Because that's not one. Another Jedi loves eggs. I'm an alien or a robot or whatever. Please give me medical attention. They see you back

together. They're like, wait, that's Jackson. Immediately shoot you in the head. Oh, my wounds! You're put in a bacta tank for several months. Your hair starts growing. Oh, fuck! Shave me! They can't

know the truth. Someone chucked in a shaver into the back to take You grabbing it, just shaving yourself Underwater Yes, good Again, I feel like Getting caught in the filter Somehow it electrocutes the whole thing On fire

I'm Egg Mondo But on fire now Boss, what have you got Like that mask over your face So you can't shave that bit That leaves me with a goatee I grew facial hair But I'm still Egg Mondoo

Egg Mondoo We can grow goatees I'm still your good friend Egg Mondoo So you know Jedi's can't grow goatees They can only grow beards And that's it

I'm still famous Spaceman Eggmondo. From the planet Eggfood. From the planet Eggfood. It doesn't matter. Or an android, maybe. Or an alien. Eggmondos can famously not be Jedis.

We don't know what a space bug is. If I'm a clone trooper and I see all of this, I just walk up to the Bacta tank. Again, very similar to how I take out Joel Zalman. Just drop a thermal detonator and then keep walking. I like to imagine that I damage myself so much the force goes. Okay, now time to use my Jedi powers to escape. Oh, no, I bled it out.

I bled out all my midichlorians. I really am Eggmondoo. So, yeah, it didn't get away? Egg Mondoo didn't escape to live a brand new life on the planet Egg Fu? I lost, no. That's tragic. That's sad for Egg Mondoo.

Depending on which time you almost died. I survived for a long time. Yeah, I still think all your hair getting caught in the filter causing a fire would probably be the end of me. Because when a tank of water catches fire, something's gone wrong. Oh no, I'm boiled egg. I'm a boiled egg.

I'm a hard boiled egg. I'm hard boiled egg mon do not a Jedi. And then your gravestone. Here lies hard boiled egg mon do. From the planet egg foo, not a Jedi. And then your gravestone. Here lies hard-boiled Egg Mondu. From the planet Egg Fu, not a Jedi. First of his kind, last of his kind. It is good to imagine the people who had me in the back of the tank coming in and being like, oh, he boiled.

Oh, Jackson Bailey, the Jedi. Do you mean Egg... No, he was Jackson Bailey. I don't know why he was calling himself Egg Mondu. Everyone knew. Everybody knew, the whole time. He actually made himself more known as Jackson Bailey when he started going as Eggmond. Yeah.

When he kept on telling people he wasn't Jackson Bailey, that was a pretty big giveaway. Yeah. Probably Jackson Bailey. Yeah. Yeah. It's cool that Anakin cut me in half. And then as I walked away connected to myself,

he didn't consider me enough of a threat. He was like, whatever. He sort himself out. And he was right. I actually don't need to worry about that. Yeah. He was like, whatever. And it was right. I actually don't need to worry about that. Yeah,

he was on the money. Yeah, he was on the money. Yeah, so that's how I'd avoid Order 66. I think my tactic would, good tactic,

Samus tactic, pretty good pleasure cruise. I think I would just simply stand at the back. Of what? Of the army. Okay. When they turn around

and fight. What about when they- Well, because the thing is with the force, and this does happen in the movies, they sense a disturbance.

So when Order 66 kicks in, the Jedi know. Yeah. It's just that they're usually standing in front of- So what, you're like, damn, I'm about to be shot. And then they turn around and shoot you? Yeah, but I got a lightsaber, so- Yeah, well, I had like- I would have stupidly gotten the same Force thing,

unless I was like a bit sore. And I still got got. But I feel like the- Unless your plan is to- You're also surrounded by clones, dude. I was like a bit sore and I still got got but I feel like unless your plan is you're also surrounded by clones dude I was surrounded by my good friend you're in the vicinity

yeah I drifted yeah oh no I hope I don't get shot because I think I'm about to because if you go like yeah yeah yeah

if you're like oh if I'm about to get shot and you turn tail and run yeah like they can see you you're an eyeline unless your plan is to always

no matter what way they're facing be at the back using the force and you turn tail and run, they can see you. You're an eyeline. Unless your plan is to always, no matter what way they're facing, be at the back using the Force. Can you be quick with the Force? Yes. Yeah, so just always stay behind them. Just keep running around them. Yeah, keep running in circles.

You can get died. Oh, what about I'm like, they're going to shoot me, and then I just jump. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, you don't need to. You will have to come down again. You don't need to. Just like pigs, clones can't look up.

So you'd be safe for a bit. Can you keep force pushing down? So you'd just be a flying man flying around wherever the hell you are. Well, yeah, I guess if I force pushed over them, then I'm crushing them into the ground, which is also good. Yeah, but they still have blasters on you. And there's a lot of them that clone. It rules so much that it's the most jolduisha plan ever.

That your plan was, I'll just be a good Jedi. I'll just be better than them. I reckon it'll work. Alternatively, I also have a blaster. Yeah. Sorted. Gun and blaster. Sorry, gun and blaster.

Blaster and light saber. You just shoot a bullet into your whiskey and then pull out your blaster and start firing. Yeah, you shoot the guy in his whiskey. I'm like, here's my approach. A lightsaber for defending, a blaster for shooting. And they'll be like, oh, primitive weapon. I'll be like, nah, it's good.

Yeah. Okay. So you're setting yourself up and not fleeing. No. You're going fighting. Or win. There's so many clones. Yeah.

Well, it depends on how many I'm in charge of. Because in some- You've got like a whole battalion. Yeah. Yeah, but some of the battalions are only like 10 guys. Yeah. But then once they're dead, aren't they being chased? Well, I mean, presumably.

How quickly are you ready to kill your clones? It seems like you were maybe suspecting this was coming at some point. Is this the point? We can't know it was coming. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You have that brief, oh, a disturbance in the force. Oh, my good friends are shooting at me. I had enough time to shave my head, dude.

That's all I could do. That's so awful. You had enough time to quickly shave. I had enough time to quickly shh. Yeah, that's true. That's 10 seconds. 10 seconds. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Turning on a lightsaber is way longer. Egg Mondu, the famously patchy looking man. I have no hair. You have heaps of hair. It looks like you just went kind of crazy with a razor and there you're done. I'm Egg Mondu. I'm actually Egg Mondu. Yeah.

So he had enough time to shave his whole head because Anakin is trying to find him. Maybe the door was locked. He had to go get the keys from the janitor or something. Yeah, exactly. He stabbed the janitor, grabbed the keys, unlocked them. Then he could unlock it. And in that time, I shaved my head. Became Egmondu.

Yeah. So again, you've got a limited time. But even less- And your good friends who you're in charge of, or your good clones you're in charge of, are now shooting at you. But let's say even theoretically that these clones- you do kill the ten clones you were assigned. Yeah.

Do you then flee? Yeah, gotta. Gotta get away. Okay, but then they track you down. Yeah, but they gotta... Yeah. You can't just do my plan, but better. It is funny, though.

Your plan is like, I'll kill them, and then it's sorted. Yeah. Ten guys. Now I just go back to my regular life, I guess. Go back to the academy, keep studying. Become a good Jedi. You walk past me as I run out holding my legs together. Hey, man.

Hey, Jackson. Who? I'm there, blown up as a force ghost holding a space martini. Yeah, dude, it's fucked. Yeah, you're about to die. Then you walk in and Anakin Skywalker just stabs you. Why'd you go back? I thought the last place to check would be the Jedi Temple.

Yeah, it's like the first place that they were going for, man. Yeah, they fucked your guts up, bro. I'm Eggmondo. Yeah, that's why Anakin doesn't chase you, because you're too busy just cutting me in half. No, Eggman, like, sorry, sorry, Jackson, you'll be here soon. I mean, Eggman. Eggman, do you?

No, I don't think I'm going to Jedi Oven. I think I'm going to Egg Cafe. I'm going to Egg Fu. Go to the great yoke in the sky. Well, thank you. It is good to imagine, like, I'm leaving as you approach the academy, and I'm like, don't go in there. Anakin will kill you.

And you're like, no, I'll be okay. I'll kill him. He's like, you're floating by. You shouldn't go in. Oh, he's gone. Actually, I'll be fine. I'll kill him. You're floating by. You shouldn't go in. Oh, he's gone. Actually, I'll be fine. I'll just watch this for a bit. Oh, I wasn't.

That's weird. I thought I could take Anakin Skywalker. I guess I couldn't. I guess I'm dead now. Yeah. Oh, well. So I guess your strategy to escape Order 66 is to not mind so much when you die. My strategy was be better and if I'm not, oh well.

Because Obi-Wan, he does that. He kills all his clones when he escapes. How does Obi escape? I don't know. It's a good question. Yeah, he does kill his clones. And he chuffs off. You can chuff off. You can kill your clones and chuff off.

But he's really good at chuffing off. There's a lot of clones. then we're like, you know. And I just can't imagine any of our force powers are really at the peak of, you know, what a force power could be. Yeah. You know? So yeah, I think.

Well, we had a crack. You just bisected. Yeah, I think, yeah. Your best bet is just to be like, my clone is gonna shoot me all well. Yeah. Dig a hole and try and be like, oh no, I'm already dead.

Actually, it's awesome you wanna shoot me and hope the reverse psychology works. I'm bad too! That's what I'll say. Yeah, let's get those Jedi! Yeah, they turn on you, you look behind like, yeah, let's get them! Where are they? And then I'm shot in the back. Damn it.

Fuck. Thought that would work. Thought that was a foolproof message. Thought that was a holy one. Yeah, so yeah, actually, maybe that's my strategy. Oh yeah, no, let's get them! Those are the bad ones! Yeah, yeah, fuck the maybe that's my strategy.

Oh, yeah, no, let's get him. Those are the bad ones. Yeah, fuck the Jedi. Yeah, the bad Jedi. I'm one of you. I'm a clone. They aim their guns at you. You'd be like, oh, my God.

You look to, like, you know, sort of off the distance to the right. Like, holy shit. They all look there. You just scarper. Yeah, you just scarper. I thought that I was turning around and getting of mice and men. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think that's it.

Let's get them in the back of the head. Like, if you're in the back of the line and you're like, I sense a disturbance in the force, and then your clone troopers also, like, turn to face you, but you don't realize that, I would assume that they would be looking behind me. That would be the disturbance as well. I would also look behind me. That would be the disturbance. I would also look behind me. And then get, yeah. I think the Jedi know, based on the scene I can kind of remember in my head.

Yeah. I'm pretty sure the Jedi, before they get shot, are like, as in, I'm about to be shot. Because Yoda's like, oh, shit. Hey, Wookie, put me in your backpack and run. That's a good plan. Oh. Fuck.

Yoda had the best plan. That's what Yoda's. Oh. Fuck. Yoda had the best plan. That's what Yoda's plan was, because Yoda was in the back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was in the back. He knew how to gentle. Yeah, see, that's clever. That's clever. Yoda is clever.

He's clever for a reason. And then he also knows- I don't want to surround myself by clones. I want to surround myself by hairy, big people. Yeah. Oh, yeah, and Yoda doesn't trust the clones from the start. Yeah, but we did. Yeah.

Of course we did. I wasn't allowed on the front line. I didn't trust them. They can't fuck up my space drinks. You didn't trust the clones from the start. But we did. I wasn't allowed on the front lines. I didn't trust them. They can't fuck up my space drinks. You didn't trust them making your drinks. Yeah, they fucked up. Do you drink alcohol? I don't trust you.

Get out of here. You're fired. Go to the front lines, and then they kept being... I like that I feel like all three of us as Jedi. The clones, maybe in some other places, were morally conflicted about the Jedi's they needed to kill, but they were probably really happy to kill all of us. Theyis like the clones maybe in some other places were morally conflicted about the jedis they needed to kill but they were probably really happy to kill they were waiting for it in fact we find out that we didn't even die during order 66 it was a week earlier yeah you're too dead in

the ground and you hear that because all of them get messages on their phone wait we'll never guess what we have to do guys that's lucky we started early bro okay I thought we were going to get in so much trouble for killing those three fucks this actually was yeah this is going to look really good for us

we have avoided prison time we murdered a man but thank god that was the right thing to do yeah yeah they are not kind

to clones in prison so yes so how would we survive order 66 we wouldn't yeah for a bit yeah for a bit yeah for a bit

then we'd thrive except for me who I think at least me and Jack lived our best lives yeah absolutely

I lived my smuggest life we all lived our best lives I sort of feel like Egg Mondo got away better to burn bright than to fade away yeah exactly that's what we all did

that's what we all were thinking as we were killed by clones and on that note I've been Joel Exactly. That's what we all did. That's what we all were thinking as we were killed by clones. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've also been Joel. And we've been killed by clones. Killed by clones. KBK.

KBK? Oh my God. Clone starts with C, you fucking idiot. Yeah. hey dickhead are you thirsty for more sans pants let us shoot our long hot ropes of content right into your gaping ear holes head to sanspantsradio.com to check out all 26 of our public podcasts and become a member of sans pants plus to check out 20 more bonus shows and bonus feeds