Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Survive Ragnarok? (Ft. Brian James)

Episode Date: December 31, 2017

In which our heroes are joined by Brian James, author of Mjolnir, to ask the hard hitting question; how would you survive Ragnarok?You can grab Brian’s book wherever good books are found, or right here; https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/35883291-mjolnirJoin our brand new facebook group here; https://www.facebook.com/groups/535280830149669/Check out our upcoming lives shows right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail]: twitter.com/sanspantsradioWebsite: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Jackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadDuscher: twitter.com/dusch13Zammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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at GodDamnExamit for your best hangover cures and advice. Good luck. Hey everybody and welcome to this week's episode of It's Just Good Business. No? Don't know where my brain went then. Let me try that again. Hey everybody and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing just good business no i don't know where my brain went then let me try that again

hey everybody and welcome to this week's episode of plumbing the death star where we ask the important questions like how would you survive ragnarok so we're making like like norse yeah no so we're not talking like how would you survive the film thor right because i'd just be a stowaway in a ship i'd just be watching i don't even this the only person that gets a raw deal in thor is thor so the the nordic ragnarok end of the world right is the is the is the go here how do you survive that where a lot of terrible shit happens but again it kind of mostly seems like the gods are sort of the ones you know where shit's going wrong us little people humanity not doing super bad

yeah right so uh we're joined here by brian hello hello uh so would you classify yourself as a Norse expert? Because I know I would. I'd class myself as a Norse expert. I've got a degree in history, which hangs in my bathroom for all the good it's done me. That's awesome. It's a perfect place. Oh, my God. Now I know where to put all my degrees.

Why, how do we? Well, never go to college thinking you're going to be indiana jones just never works out so if i want to be indiana jones i just got to do it just like off my own back i just got to go find a temple and plunder that sheet i think so i think that was a takeaway message all right that's thanks for the advice right so ragnarok what happens in ragnarok what are the key ragnarok events the key ragnarok events is it's basically a civil war between the norse gods okay first of all the the norse are the only major culture that does two things in their mythology first of all any other major

culture worships a sun god or rain god or a god that involves something they need the norse worship a death god a psychopath all right rock and roll and they're also the only major culture in all the mythologies that kill almost every one of their gods that's awesome worship a death god kill your gods that. That's good. All right. Sick. Okay, okay. I mean, there are a lot of apocalypse myths, a lot of apocalypse stories where God finally comes down and brings his justice to the world.

God's always all right. Right. In this one, they just all die, at least most of them. That's amazing. All right. So what are the kind of play-by-plays here? What have we got to watch out? If we're like simple Joe Q Asgardian citizen.

Well, we'd be Joe Q Midgards. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. We're just John and Jane Q Midgard living our life in an old fuck. Wait, isn't Earth Midgard? Yeah. Earth is Midgard. Earth's involved in Ragnarok?

We're just the place where they have, we're the field they fight on. You're telling me that these fucking gods come to our place to have their war? Sons of bitches. We're basically like the ants on a football field. Why mess up their place? Yeah, look, I mean, when you put it like that. But at the end of the day, Asgard's left empty

because all the gods are dead. I may need to change my tactic. They thought they'd win. Ah, the hubris. So, okay, so is this basically like the American Civil War if they went and fought it on France, like French soil? Why don't we fight more civil wars in other countries?

That's great. Hey, we're having a civil war. I have some beef with you. See you in New Zealand. Yep, sweet, meet you there. We're in New Zealand being like, what? Excuse me? And then they all die but virginia is okay exactly

perfect so all the gods are fighting each other all i remember from my hazy memory of norse mythology is that the wolf gets out of its chains and loki gets out of where he was lying getting slowly poisoned by a snake am i right you? You are absolutely right. And basically you have Team Asgard, which is Odin, Thor, Himdall, all the good, shiny, happy gods against Team Loki, which is Loki, his children, Hela, Fenris, and Jermungand,

and then their mercenary, Surt. Oh, who's Surt? Surt is a fire giant. So basically it's a family squabble and also your fire giant is there. So if this was the American Revolutionary War, he'd be the Hessians. It's so funny if you imagine it as like a proper family like a family christmas and

everyone's having a good time and they're like a loki's here with his weird kids his weird kids and that i guess they call him their uncle i don't know who that guy is i had no idea they were fire giants i mean you always hear about the frost giants you never hear about the fire giants man well surta is basically satan oh in north in north mythology their version of hell is spelled you know one l and it's not hell as we know it it's basically like waiting in line at the department of motor vehicles you know it's just a place you hang around you don't do anything oh that seems kind of pleasant i mean like yeah he's kind of chill all right so it's team ass versus team satan yep yep all right yep good all right

cool what's happening on midgard anything are there like volcanoes or or like floods or something or are we just like man what's going on up there oh no midgard is going to take it in the shorts really badly. Ah, crap. Because one of the first things that happens is, and keep in mind, Odin is the chief god. This is the top of the pantheon, and he is killed in such an anticlimactic way. Does he just get ate or something? He just gets swallowed. Fucking good. It's Fenrir, yeah, the wolf? Fenrir,

Fenris, however you want to pronounce it, just swallows up Odin, and that's the end of it. It's not like Sharknado, where he cuts himself out of the great wolf's belly. He's just like, oi, dog, me and you, I'm a fucking wolf. The moment that happened, I'd just be like, Oi, dog, me and you, I'mma fuck you up.

The moment that happened, I'd just be like, Well, that's... We're done, right? Our leader's a fucking idiot. He just got eaten by... That's like if you're in a fucking, you know, the middle of an actual war, and your leader of your squad or whatever runs forward just gets eaten by...

You're just like, Well, I'm just gonna sit down. I've lost. There's no way I win this now. The enemy have things that eat us whole. Not even if, like, they didn't chew. Just whole. Imagine if, in World War II, Winston Churchill had been eaten by a wolf sent by the Nazis.

Britain would have just been like, gee whiz, all right. We're out. Morale would have plummeted. Or if, you know, the reverse the reverse church is like we're sending a wolf to hitler because like y'all's envy that's morale in the nazi party gone really ultimate weapon yeah there's some lessons to be learned all right so odin gets taken out by a wolf. Yep. Thor fights the Jormungand.

Jormungand. Is that how you pronounce it? Jormungand. That's how you pronounce it, Jormungand. Because I always go Jor and then I trail off because it looks too hard for me. I've always thought the Scandinavian languages were invented on a dare. It's the only explanation i can think of it seems about right all right so john mungan all right so they fight yeah and thor wins right it's a it's an actual fight it's not i've swallowed you you're done yeah yeah cool so the uh these two

have it out thor wins but in in the victory he was bitten idiot idiot son of a dickhead what an asshole all right so thor's gone thor walks nine paces and um keels over right right all right so suddenly like my morale is falling suddenly i'm like team wolf because he's the winner the wolf seems to be doing the best so far all right so. So Hemdall, what does he do? Does he fight Loki? Hemdall fights Loki. Sick. And that's the end of Loki.

Another anticlimactic death. Hemdall swallows Loki whole. Oh, my God. Especially if I've just seen Houghton. Like, man, by a wolf. Oh, my God. This guy I've just seen Houghton. Like, man, by a wolf. Oh, my God. This guy just ate a man. Holy shit.

This is kicking off. All right. So how does Hemdall take over or take out Loki? Basically just normal medieval Norse-style combat. Just kills him as you would in that manner. Surt watches everything happen. And is just watching this family at each other's throats you know the christmas party thing just gets sick of the whole thing and burns the entire planet along with everything that's left on it that's all godly to a cinder

oh so if we want to survive ragnarok don Don't piss that guy off. We've got to be friends with Zirt. We've got to sidle up to him and be like, how crazy is this? See, my initial theory, my initial strat here, would become a really good dog tamer. Uh-huh. So I'm assuming because Ragnarok is a prophecy, we know it's going to happen. So my assumption here was to be, I know it's going to happen. I know that Fenris is going to be there.

So I'm going to try and be the world's's best or at least okay yeah at dog training and somehow train fenris to be on this boy's side i think that's good because i like the idea of like odin gets it and you're like all right all right i'm like you got the salmon and then he just eats you and i'm like okay all right shit shit shit last chance and whoops, death. Worst case scenario, he eats me. Yeah, that's true. Best case scenario, I now have a dog that can eat my enemies. Well, he's, from memory, Fenrir, and correct me if I'm wrong, he's like chained up in a cave, right?

Right. And he's got every reason to be angry and hate Odin because he's one of Loki's children, and his big sin was growing very large. That poor boy. Now I have sympathy for Fenris. So they see this amazingly, impossibly large wolf, and just think, we've got to do something about that.

So they try chaining it it and he just keeps breaking any chain okay all right see carrot not the stick yeah use the carrot that's true plus if you get in there afterwards and you have like a odin's a bad bloke tattoo somewhere on your body don't get me wrong i will have an odin is a bad bloke somewhere in my body and you also have a sneaky loki's a bad bloke on my body as well just in case i need that that's very you know just hide it up you know the kind of thing where if things go went differently and odin killed fenrir you just turn around and like lift the sleeve on the other shoulder and you're like yeah loki i thought loki but i was thinking you got a while while he's chained to

get to know fenris and be like hey man, man, you know, when things go south. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just keep whispering sweet nothing in his ear and being like, me and you, Fenris, me and you wear best butts. Yeah. Give him some turkey. He'd love some turkey. He's going to struggle to get turkey in the Nordic region. Yes.

Elk? Reindeer. Reindeer. Reindeer. He loves reindeer. He's a big wolf. He's a big wolf. Somebody's got to feed him. And then when he cracks out of the chains, it's just you and Fenris.

Fenris is like, give us a sec. I just got to eat Odin. You're like, my gas mask. Because it's like, it's Taya, yeah, the god of war. He's the one looking after Fenris. Right. And he kills Fenris. And that's revenge for Fenris taking his hand at some point.

Because when they were binding Fenris, no chain could hold him, so they have the elves make a ribbon. Now, it's obviously a magic ribbon. They kind of bet Fenris, hey, you broke all the chains. Can you break this ribbon? He senses something is amiss, that they're not being exactly straight with him. So I'll let you tie me up with the ribbon, but someone's got to put their hand in

my mouth smart clever this dog is a genius the gods are fucking stupid won't he bite me no no no he's on the level okay and tear found out how on the level he wasn't he was a little upset when they wouldn't untie him yeah no fair nah, fair. Good on you, boy. Smart boy, yeah? Yeah. I think because nobody's sympathizing with Fenris, everybody's either using him or trying to fight him. So if you're getting in there and being his mate...

The thing is, look, of all Loki's children and Surt, okay, so Surt's the big one you probably got to tame, or at least befriend. But with Fenris, he's the one that ate Odin. Now, Odin's meant to be your all-powerful god, yeah? Like your father, the one-eyed dickhead. So, if Fenris can

eat him, well, what else can Fenris eat? A lot of them, I reckon. So I reckon, look, we've got team arse and team Satan. I propose a third team of team wolf and boy with me being the boy. I like your logic there.

If he eats the top god, literally there's nothing else he can't eat. He has already eaten the best thing. I like your thinking there. If he can eat Odin, he can go for spicy food and eat Surt.

Yeah, absolutely. Why not? He might just get a cooked throat. But hey, you know, or we go like, alright, Surt, because Surt's kind of on like Team Loki for a bit. Surt seems like he's kind of on Team Surt, let's be honest. Or at least he's like was bought there by Team Loki. Yeah, yeah, definitely.

So why does Team Surt end up being like, fuck Loki as well? Is he just like, this is crazy? He just, at one point, just seems frustrated with the whole thing. And decides to pull the plug. Now, if I'm going to survive Ragnarok, I think the best and possibly most fun way to do this is there are no goddesses there. Sif is not there uh freya is not there i'm gonna find where they are and hang out with them that's a clever move ladies here i am

plus asgard's getting some serious repopulating after this that's true yeah you're gonna make so many demigods also like you, there's the classic story about, and I don't know if it works in the reverse, but where Thor has to cross-dress to get his hammer back from the giants. And, like, I'm imagining a situation where the ladies are like, you're not a goddess, you can't come in here. But it seems like everyone's real stupid. So, like, if you just chuck in a dress and slide in,

they're going to be like, yeah, all right. Yes. I don't remember you, but sure to be like, yeah, all right. Yes. I don't remember you, but sure. Yeah, I'm one of them. Cool. Is there any, like, explanation of where they might be? None whatsoever. I'm reading a very brief thing, and they do say that Freya does battle Surt.

Is that what happens? But, like, it doesn't really go into much detail from there. I have no recollection of that, and I've read this myth a number of times. Yeah, look, I'm going to err to the side of you. I don't know. Mythology.wikia.com. Ah, good point, Zach. Absolutely.

I'm sure that's peer-reviewed and 100% to snuff well that's a good move but like what's earth like are you just repopulating a weird battle ravaged version of mizgard and mizgard midgard and asgard afterwards they do kind of go into the post-Civil War world where Thor's hammer is the only thing left of Thor except Thor's hammer and Thor's kin. Oh. And there's a couple of humans who manage to hide out in a tree. Sick.

Okay, hiding out in trees on the table? Oh, that was my plan. Hiding the roots of Yggdrasil. I'm like, shit's going down. Where's that magic tree that'll be here when everything else isn't? And then I climb in the tree, bunker down amongst

the roots, and then it grows, and then the two humans in the tree are like, I guess we're humanity again. And I'm like, and me. I'm also here. Jackson Bailey came back too, hiding in the roots. Got you good.

So what are we doing, boys and girls? What's the plan? They're like, are we going to be like the new sons and daughters of humanity? Yep. And me. I want in. Show me what's good to go. That's funny because the gods, like, it's such a different world what is it is it like implied

that all of the goddesses will now rule like midgard and asgard and all that jazz or is it just kind of like not spoken you've got baldar who comes back up from hell after you know he's been hanging out in hell after loki tricked his brother into killing him with some Christmas decorations. Classic. It's the bauble. Swallow the bauble, Spelda. Swallow the bauble. Tricked you. Those were baubles.

Oh, man. So this could have been Baldar's Ragnarok survival plan. Maybe he tricked Loki into tricking his brother into killing him. Smart. Hey, if you survive in hell, then... Okay. So there's really, like, Ragnarok. There's a lot of ways to survive Ragnarok.

Yeah. So it all happens on Midgard, yeah? Yes. Yes. I guess. And so Asgard remains somewhat untouched, or does Surt blow that up as well? Somewhat untouched. All right. Maybe that's where all of the goddesses are. Asgard remains somewhat untouched, or does Surt blow that up as well? Somewhat untouched.

All right. Maybe that's where all of the goddesses are. Asgard. They're just like, oi. Or maybe they're just like, fuck, I'm so sick of Odin's bullshit. I'm just staying home. Oh, my God. Hey, Odin, take some of your asshole kids and try and fight those asshole other guys.

Yeah, done. So Asgard is remotely safe. Midgard is fucked. Hal is also apparently just sick. Just tickety-boo. Pretty much, yeah, done. So Asgard is remotely safe. Midgard is fucked. Hal is also apparently just sick. Just tickety-boo. Pretty much, yeah. So what happens to, like, the daughter Hal? Is she also up fighting or is she back at home?

She's back at home. This just finds, like, just really a dick measuring contest. What it kind of seems like is, imagine it's a christmas party again and a dog is also there yeah yeah yeah well they've got the dog chained up out the back because it got too big i guess but it's a christmas party and it's like everyone's having a nice time and someone looks out the window and they're like did you invite loki and like no i didn't invite loki and then all of the guys are like well we gotta kick him out of the house and they got up to go and battle him. And then the world ended.

And then, like, I guess all the female goddesses are there. And then Hal's like, I'm so sorry about my father. Don't worry. He's one of the good ones. This is so embarrassing. Like, he's just, he's always like this. You know, he changed up my brother when he got too big. The drunk patriarch and all his drunk sons are in the front yard, swapping blows.

Do you get it out? With Loki and his two sons, they're like, yeah! And their weird drug-dealing friend. I know, Sator's such a weird, like, he's like, and Sator's also there. Yep, I came along too. And, like, Loki was like, come to the Christmas party. And Sator's like, is it going to get weird?

With your family, it gets weird. Loki's like, no, it's going to be fine. It got weird. Sartre, who was already a bit strange, is like, well, I guess I'll just burn the house down. Burn the yard, leave the house. Yeah, whatever. All the goddesses survive, which is kind of nice. Yeah, that. All the goddesses survive, which is kind of nice. Yeah, that's great.

Now, Freya, her Ragnarok survival plan. Yeah. Now, you admit, she did not fight Surt. Not that I've ever read. But she did have a brother named Frey. Okay. Frey and Freya. Good.

Yeah, they were brother and sister plus lovers. It fits the whole weird Christmas party theme. Yeah, they were brother and sister plus lovers. It fits the whole weird Christmas party theme. It's all coming out. All the secrets are coming out of this Christmas party. Oh, yep, sorry, I misread it. It is Frey. Frey fights Surt. So she pushes her brother in front of

the whole problem and then runs away. You know, I think as three males, our survival plan of Ragnarok is not looking great. It sure isn't. We're the rowdy kids. Yeah. We're not quite big enough for the adult table,

but we're a bit too old for the kids table. So sort of there, and so when old mate Odin is like, right, who's here? We're kind of drag along there as well oh we go to fight i don't quite understand what's happening i'm six and we're in the battle so yeah okay it's a clever move of fraya wait why did she want fray out there fighting couldn't she just been like just don't bother about it like what did she get out of it i'm not quite sure what his exact motivation was because it seems to be the women found something else to do when the guys did all the fighting but it's but in a situation where her brother slash lover gets killed and all of

history burns to a cinder that gets rid of a lot of shame yeah that's true i didn't make love to my weird brother what are you talking about wasn't the love of my life he died he dies that wasn't me at all he's dead he's dead didn't you know this sounds like it could be quite an amazing like hbo miniseries where it's done like oh this family has secrets my God, does it have secrets. When you bring up Thor, they're doing a reverse Thor cross-dressing. It seems to be to actually do a Thor cross-dressing situation here. Yeah. And just be like, well, no, I'm a lady.

It's fine. Hell, do any ice giants survive? Could I just go over to them and be like, yeah, what up? It's me. I'm Freya. Let me in. Let me in. I'm dressed like whatever it's cool i'm a goddess you know it girl their fate's not mentioned but i'm assuming they melted yeah that's a shame

damn all right well then if i can't get into yggdrasil and i can't cross dress my way into heaven um i'll probably just try and was there was there another afterlife or was it like everyone's going to hell but like do i have to sin to get into hell yeah the afterlives you've got you got hell yeah what's the good one yeah first of all there's must spell that is the that is uh valhalla is heaven and in their version of heaven as a warrior you fight and die for Odin's entertainment to be resurrected

to feast and then to get up the next morning and fight and die for Odin's entertainment Odin's a bit of a dick but he just got eaten by a wolf so now Valhalla is anyone's game Muspell is where the horrible people go So now Valhalla is anyone's game.

Muspel is where the horrible people go. That is hell. The Christian version of hell. Okay. But hell with one L is basically like Christian purgatory? That's the best equivalent. Yeah, yeah. You know, it's not good.

It's not bad. Meh. It's fine. I like that because I don't have to fight every day. Yeah, I. You know, it's not good. It's not bad. Meh. It's fine. I like that because I don't have to fight every day. Yeah, I could just die. Or I see Odin get eaten by a wolf. I'm like, Valhalla's looking pretty good right now. I also get eaten by a wolf.

That's not glorious battle, is it? Oi, Zammut! Make him eat me! Make the wolf eat me! And then I end up just in regular hell with one L. I'm like, damn it! Make the wolf eat me! And then I end up just in regular hell with one L. I'm like, damn it!

Now you go to Valhalla for dying in battle, for being brave. Okay, Hank, because those are two different things. Dying in battle and being brave, is it one or the other? Or both? Let's put it this way. If your death is an arrow in the back as you're running away, you're not going to Valhalla. What if I know I'm going to die, so I just raise my war axe thusly and then just charge headlong into the fray

and then get deliberately stabbed? But I put on a show. Yeah, I pretend like it's valiant. I'm trying to find my way And oh look It'd be so silly if you stabbed me in the head We will do battle wolf And I'm so confident

I will throw away my sword And close my eyes And put up my jukes And just cover myself in delicious butter Base myself in honey I have so many delicious veggies in my pockets For other reasons Cover myself in delicious butter. Base myself in honey. I have so many delicious veggies in my pockets for other reasons. And now you are going to Valhalla.

Yes! We did it. We get there and everyone's like, where's Odin? I'm like, he got eaten by a wolf. It was crazy. Anyway, let's eat. Sweet, guys. Yeah, cool.

It's funny that all of those gods in Valhalla are just like, not the gods, but the people in Valhalla that died, are just like, man, Ragnarok's happening. That's crazy. Just go back to whatever they were doing. But I guess that's... Because surely once Odin dies, like, Valhalla is kind of pointless. Like, not pointless,

but there's no more fighting for Odin's entertainment yeah no no there is no more fighting for Odin's entertainment because all the people who are fighting for Odin's entertainment died in the battle of Ragnarok because they all came out they all died in the battle

those were part of his forces shit son of a bitch I don't want to be like fuck all Odin is this like because those were part of his forces. Shit. Son of a bitch. I don't want to be like, fuck you. So, fuck whole Odin is just like, not only am I going to keep my wolf like a dickhead, all those old mates of mine that died during battle and have spent their afterlife dying and being reborn

and dying for my amusement, they're going to then, in this battle, fight one more time and die for realsies then where do they go nowhere son of a bitch I love the idea of me being like sweet I'm just gonna die and go to Valhalla cause Odin's down here and then I'm like

in Valhalla for a second and then on a battlefield on a let's oversee your dead body crap son of a bitch is it any wonder this religion God damn it. Let's oversee your dead body. Ah! Crap. Son of a bitch, Odin. Is it any wonder this religion didn't really go beyond a local phenomena? Yeah, no, no.

What I really like about it is that it had, like you were saying at the start, a finite end. They're like, yep, that's it. Done. Thanks for coming along. Show's over. Who was Odin's dad? Is it Kronos? Is that him?

Or am I thinking somewhere else? That's Greece. That's Greece. Who was Odin's dad? Is it Kronos? Is that him? Or am I thinking somewhere else? That's Grease. That's Grease. Who was Odin's? Who was... I don't know if Odin had a dad. Did he? Yeah, he did. I'm trying to remember the name right now.

Because they... Boar or something? There is... The earth is made of his body. Ah. So I can't, like, get him back on site. No. And be like,

Oi, spanky child for being an idiot. All right. All right. That's a shame. All right. So we can't... Okay. So Valhalla we can being an idiot. That's a shame. Valhalla we can't go to. That's out of the question. If we go to hell, how does What's-His-Face get out of hell?

Hela walked off the job to go fight the battle. He just walked out. We just got to wait. What does Hela do in the Battle of Ragnarok? Anything? She basically just leads the zombie army of the undead to fight the poor people who died for Odin's entertainment. If I die and go to hell with one L,

am I going to become a zombie? Is it that situation? Just trying to find the perfect afterlife to go to where I'm not conscripted again. I think when you come back to Earth, technically you're a zombie. Oh, man. Baldur probably could be considered a zombie at that point. Okay. Baldur's a zombie god, and that's pretty cool. All right, what about this Christian hell everyone keeps talking about?

Yeah, Ruffle Froth, whatever it was. Muspel? Muspel. Muspel. All right. What about this Christian hell everyone keeps talking about? Yeah. Ruffle froth. Whatever it was. Muspel? Muspel. Muspel. Muspel. And that was the realm run by Surt. Is it so bad?

And if it's run by Surt and Surt's up top. Ah, another fair game after. Free for the take. They don't really address it but cert obviously lived oh of course so i'm going to assume his step i'm going to assume his establishment is running in full vigor yeah okay okay how about this that's the kind of thing where he finishes ragnarok and comes back and i'm like it's free oh you said okay have this i just be an awful human being yep i get into Surt's domain.

Surt chuffs off. I'm like, this is my chance to shine. Make things run smoothly in this version of like in this house scape, but like not too smoothly, but just like keep everything going. Surt comes back. I'm like, Surt, you big old idiot. You left. You didn't leave anyone in charge, but don't worry. I kept this seat warm

for you. Here you go. You know, do you want to be like buddy buddies? I think that's a good... I like that all of your plans involve befriending someone far more powerful than yourself. I mean, certainly. Look, I could befriend Odin, but he

gets eaten by a dickhead. I could befriend Thor, but he gets poisoned like a dick. Hemdall, maybe I could befriend. Yeah, but he gets eaten by a dickhead. I could befriend Thor, but he gets poisoned like a dickhead. Hemdall, maybe I could befriend. Yeah, that's true. What happens to Hemdall? Does he survive? Hemdall does not survive. First of all, if he's all-knowing, this was a prophecy.

They all knew this was coming. So if the all-knowing Hemdall knew this was coming, why did he still go? He knew it was his destiny. Time is immutable also again if he's his if he's all knowing i can't really befriend him because he'll see right through me yeah he'll be like you're just befriending me to survive right like yes stabbed all right as far as making friends with cert look what happened to the red to the last people who made friends with Surt. The difference between Loki and me is Loki's ambitious and he has

beeves with a lot of people. This boy, no beeves with anyone and not very ambitious. Happy to kind of chill near an open flame, I guess. Clearly the start of the day for Surt and Loki was Surt being like what do you

want to do today and loki being like i got beef but the start for every day with you is what do you want to do today and you're like whatever you want to do what do you want to do sir what are you best friends and i put my hand out for a high five yeah and just hope he does it back or else i'm gonna be hanging there for a while and it's gonna hurt my ass yeah i imagine he'll he doesn't seem like the type to it seems like he's you're trying to manipulate him yeah he'll be manipulating you back i think i could bamboozle him and i reckon i'd get that high five i reckon he'd be like and i'm like bros for life and he'd be like yeah i guess unfortunately loki didn't live long enough

to see that cert do this yeah yeah he and him don't kill each other that's pretty much the end of them okay good good good so yeah i reckon yeah befriending sir if i can't befriend like fan make like team wolf and boy i reckon befriendingurt is my next best move. Team Surt and boy. Big team Surt and boy is how I survive Ragnarok. Loki befriended Surt, and well, had Loki survived, he would have been burned to death with the rest of them. That's why being a third wheel to the last man and the last woman on Earth, the best strategy.

Sitting up there in that tree with them, they're like, we should get repopulating. I'm like, oh, don't let me stop you. I'll look away. But I won't. I'm not gonna. We're a trio now. You have to feed me, I'm your baby. Well, well.

And by the end of all this, a lot of them are going to be widows, so they're going to need to be consoled. Absolutely. That's true. That is true. Fucking weasel boy Jackson over here. Absolutely.

Jackson Bailey has put himself in the best position. Although, just being a baby, I just like the idea of the last human beings being like, can we do it again okay we're not gonna not if this is what it's gonna be because and i'm just lying there like on my back being like yeah they'll kick me out of the tray and they'd be right to do so i feel so yes yes yes yes yes now to go for a shameless plug for the book i wrote that involves all of this yes Yes, please. I've got these characters right at the start of Ragnarok, looking for ways to survive it because Odin has bought into the prophecy.

So he's looking for a way to survive it. Loki has also bought in. Thor doesn't care anymore. He's just become an atheist but still demands worship. That's great. That's great. He threw away his hammer, but he still wants to be worshipped, so he plays professional football. Smart. All right. And what is this book called, by the way? It's called Mjolnir. It's named after the hammer. And where can good people find this?

They can find it at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, iTunes, Kobo, basically anywhere that sells anything you could read. Check it out. Check it out. Now, if I was Odin, and if I knew about this prophecy, and the prophecy was that I'm going to get ate like a dickhead, I would cover myself in a very

bitter substance so that Fenris would spit me out. That's clever. I would, the moment I knew Fenris was about to eat me, cover myself in gasoline and set myself on fire. Then Fenris isn't going to eat you. And I'm going to burn to death. He is a dog,

so you dip yourself in chocolate. Then he gets really hyperactive for a bit, because that's a symptom of chocolate poisoning. Everyone's very scared, but then he dies. Or just have a lot of grapes in your pocket. That'll also get rid of a dog. Ah, man, dogs are so weak.

You can poison your dog like that. Ah, man, you want to kill your dog? Don't even worry. Basically everything kills a dog. Feed it what is, to us, like a symbol of decadence. Grapes and chocolate. It is weird that the food of the upper class is what ends up killing dogs. Yeah.

Does caviar kill a dog? I would assume so. Yeah, probably. Anything that has, you're right, anything decadent is basically dog poison. And that's very funny. But yeah, but none of these plans work because we still get eaten. And burned. And burned, yeah.

With my gasoline one, I'm just ash in the end. So I think when all is said and done, the best way is to somehow befriend something more powerful than you that can then send you away. Yep. befriend something more powerful than you that can then send you away. Yep. To either be one of the goddesses or at least sneakily be one of the goddesses. Or third wheel it. Jackson Bailey third wheeling humanity.

Humanity. In the tree of Yggdrasil. In the beginning there was man, woman, and also Jackson. And like another man. another guy who said his name was jackson and kept pretending to be a baby um don't worry about him the looms of fate uh it's just enough creation myths start with those words i don't know being the extramarital boyfriend of a norse god's wife sounds like the best survival plan. Yeah, see, that's clever. And on that note, I've been Jackson Bailey. I've been

Joel. And I'm Brian. And you can find your book Mjolnir at any way you can find good books. There will be a link to it on the show notes and whatever. Give it a read and see how all these buggerlugs try and survive Ragnarok. Yeah, I'm sure

all of their plans are better than ours. We'll see. Thanks for listening, and if you want to follow us on Twitter you can find us at Sandspants Radio or you can find us individually. I'm at Douche13. I'm at OldDogsOfDead. And I'm at GodDammitZammit. If you want to hear our other shows, you can head to SandspantsRadio.com

and you'll find all our other content there. There's heaps! And if you want to support us, head to SandspantsPlus.com Thank you again for listening and we'll see you again next time. Good night for now. But not forever. Kisses.