Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Survive The Bilbo Baggins Experience?

Episode Date: December 8, 2019

Sign up to our newsletter here. Join our facebook group here. Watch us stream here.You can now physically send us stuff to PO BOX 7127, Reservoir East, Victoria, 3073.Want to help support the show?Sanspants+ | Podkeep | USB Tapes | MerchWant to get in contact with us?Email | Twitter | Website | Facebook | RedditOr individually at;Jackson | Duscher | ZammitTheme music by the wonderfully talented Benny Davis! You can find all his stuff at his website or check out his YouTube channel. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sands Pants Radio, Australia on January 1st, 2020. All you have to do is sign up to SandsPantsPlus.com at any level from now until January 31st, and you'll get access to the complete playthrough, New Year's Morn. Get in quick because come February, it'll only be available to SandsPants Kings. So just head to Sandspans Kings. So just head to sandspantsplus.com today and sign up so you can enter the new year listening to the terrible atrocities that Adam and Cass unleash onto an unsuspecting dinosaur land. Hey everybody and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like how would you survive the Bilbo Baggins experience? So Bilbo Baggins he did it okay but the plumbing

voice. He survived which was the key part of that sentence that I'm not entirely sure if that was the wording we agreed on, but it's the one we said I mean, I guess, yeah The only alternative is how would you experience the Pilgrim Baggins experience So the events of

J.R. Tolkien's The Hobbit Yeah John Randall Tolkien Tolkien Jr The Hobbit I missed one R He doesn't need both I honestly thought

I was like JK No JK Simmons Author of Harry Potter So the Bill McFadden's experience begins As we all recall J.K. Simmons, author of Harry Potter. So the Bill and Megan's experience begins, as we all recall, with an unexpected visit from an old man. Hey!

What? Three of us living in our little hobbit hole. Why is our door a circle? It's only got one place for a hinge. This is ridiculous. Fuck, it's cramped in here for three grown boys. The roof's little. All the chairs are tiny for my ass.

I've got permanent hunch now. This sucks. It's good to imagine, like, maybe- I love our house. Me at the door, flick open the keyhole, look out, look back at you guys. Do any of you know an old man and about 40 short guys? 40! The short guys, I think, live with us. What?

I saw them at the shop. Not in our house. I mean, in their house. Neighbours, that's what I was looking for. These don't look like the regular short guys. You know how we live in a town populated by little guys with hairy feet, but we're just regular humans? With hairy feet.

These are stocky and beady. These are angrier looking. I'll let them in. Everyone, come in. I refuse to let you talk until you're all inside. Come in out of the cold. Is everyone hungry? Don't worry, I'll put the kettle on.

All right, so I guess in the exact opposite situation of Bilbo Baggins, we're massively accommodating for the dwarves. Look, I've had people drop in unexpectedly. I'm happy to cook. Whatever. Guess who's getting a bloody good bowl of pasta? All these dwarves. It's nice that

the dwarves want to enjoy your hospitality. I don't think that I have enough pasta in my house to cook for 40 people. I have no issue doing it. It's not 40. I opt for the amount of dwarves. Pretty significantly. You said that with a lot of confidence of a man who has not seen The Hobbit.

So I'm just going to quickly interject. I think it's about eight, maybe. Why are three of you hot and the rest are gross? Oh, those dwarves. From the poster. It's good to imagine you saying that in the middle of dinner. The whole time you haven't said anything.

You've just had a look of confusion on your face. Do you guys know Gimlet or Gimli or whatever his name is? I think he's the dad of one of them. Either the dad or the great dad. I know your son. Hell. From the movies.

From the films you're in. Oh, your son's in. I don't think you're in there. You might be dead, actually. You're that skeleton that the little wee boy pushes, yeah? Yeah, that's sad. Anyway. Gandalf picks. I'm going to go to the shops and get, yeah? Yeah, that's sad. Anyway. Gandalf picks.

I'm going to go to the shops and get some more pasta for these bugalugs. I'll be back in 10. I'm going to talk to Gandalf. Gandalf. What? Sorry. What's going on? What, Jorl Dusha?

I speak like Santa Claus. Ho, ho, ho. These dwarves have lost their home And you, for some reason You three boys I have decided we'll take them On a journey Usually I would get a hobbit But now I'm getting three boys

Normally I'd go for a hobbit I thought a hobbit lived here Yeah, he used to Hobbits, I think, are sneaky And we need a sneaky thief Yes, that's right, but instead I guess you three boys excuse me Mr Gandalf Mr Delph

is that a dad-ood like to fuck is your name dad-ood like to fuck no dad-ood because it's D-E dad-ood like to fuck Gandalf is in spell with an E G-A-N-D-E. Dad-ood like to fuck. Gandalf is in spell with an E. G-A-N-D-E-L-F.

G-A-L-F. Oh, Dad-ard like to fuck, then. Excuse me. But we'll come on the trip. No, my name is Gandalf. It's not Gandilf. Is it first name Gand, last name Delf? No, it's one word.

One word, Jackson. Okay, all right. Then he gets all big and spooky. Gandalf the Wise or whatever, yeah? Grey. Gandalf the Wizard. Sounds like another expertly fan of the Hobbit. I'll do your nose.

What's going on? I knew how to spell Gandalf. You're taking stabs in the dark. And one has hit. Dabit comes home. We're like, yeah, we're going.

We're going with a big armful of pasta. Make more spaghetti. The dwarves are about to sing a song about a mountain. Ah, sick. What's that song?

I don't know where we're going. Over misty isles. Is that that song? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to try and join in, embarrass myself, anger the dwarves. Oh, yeah. Look, we're all joining going. Over misty aisles. Is that that song? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to try and join in, embarrass myself, anger the dwarves. Oh, yeah. Look, we're all joining in.

Over misty aisles. That's the only line I know. I'm sorry, guys. Yeah, we all like a good sing-along. Grumlet is one of your names. Grumlet. Grumlet Gorbachev. Teeth, teeth.

Teeth, teeth. Muffet. Brinlow. Rumbly. Eagletonfteef. Muffet. Brinlow. Rumbly. Eagleton. Rumbly. Correct. Basket.

Benjamin. Benjamin. And Gandalf. And the three plumbing boys. Joel, Joel, and Jackson. I hate that in this fantasy universe, my name is Jackson. Yes. S-U. S-O-M. SO-M I thought that's how you were starting

my name Sue Jacksom Man, you guys got regular names Joel and Sue Jacksom S-U-J-A-C-K-S-O-M S-U-J-A-C-S-O-M S-U-J-A-C-S-O-M Sue Jackson Alright Alright so Gandalf has been like

Right you boys we're in Where are we going Yes I'm getting dressed I was not I imagine us all in like matching robes Yes yes Pulling on pants and suspenders Taking off our robes

Putting on a shoe first Putting on a shoe trying. Oh, fuck. Yeah, hang on. Putting on a shoe, trying to pull jeans on over the shoe. Yes, Gandalf. Falling over, doing it as fast as I go. Oh, no, no. Oh, fuck.

Sorry, Gandalf. I thought I put a shirt on hitting our head on the roof. Oh, man. Putting my shirt on over my suspenders, which I put over bare skin. Oh, my nipples. Unbuttoning it, pulling the suspenders out the front, popping buttons. Oh, fuck. In the excitement, I forgot how to wear clothes.

All the doors behind. I think, is this a mistake? Weren't you meant to get up? Gandalf, you said these were sneaky. You said there was one sneaky hobbit here. Sneaky hobbits. We bought his house. Yeah.

Yeah. We liked his house. There's Yeah. We liked his house. There's only one hinge on the door. Then we moved in and we decided we hate it. Every time I open the door, I nearly break it. It's just really poorly designed. And then I like to imagine we leave into the night as though we're going on the adventure now

and force them to follow us. Come on. Fuck, they're going. We're going to spend the night. All right. I'm going to jump, jump. Not here for a haircut, Gandalf. Our torch is in the distance as we rush off for sweet adventure.

We're going on an adventure! Very time like the present! We're going on a fucking trip! My love vacation! As we're on like the horses, Gandalf trying to get us to sign on the back of a donkey. Yeah, whatever.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can sign with an X, yeah? I can sign with a dog's paw print, yeah. What are we signing? I think it says we get some of the treasure when they find... Yeah, we split the loodle, whatever. What treasure? Porven Homeland.

Oh, there's a dragon. Yeah, that's right. That's why we're needed, I think. We've got to sneak past a dragon and bonk it on the head or something. Smaug? Yeah, well done. Shot in the dark, too. Gotta say it with more confidence, though. Smaug. There it is.

S-C-H. I cooked it. I cooked it. So close. What's the first thing that Bilbo, i.e. now us, encounters on the road to Dwarftown? Great question. Let me fill you in on this. Yes.

It's... He just goes for a walk. Nothing. He gets there with no incident. Nothing. He doesn't run into conflict. Yeah. From memory, there's...

You might know this from the movies. I haven't seen the movies. I've read the book. No, no, no. That sounds fake. memory, there's, you might know this from the movies. I haven't seen the movies. I've read the book. No, no, no. The other movies, Lord of the Rings movies. That where you saw Gimli. Ah, Minds of Moria? No, the trolls.

That's right. Trolls in the forest. They pick up everybody to eat everyone. Are the trees alive? No. Nice try. That's the movie you've seen. Yeah.

Now, how does Bilbo get out of this situation? He talks to them for a while. Hey, we're good at that. He gets them chatting and listening and then they freeze because it's sunlight. You can have one of my arms. That's what I say to the trolls. Wait. They want to eat us?

Yeah. And they freeze in the sunlight. So when we get there, because he left during the day and gets there at night. We get there at night, We left there at night. We get there at day. There's a whole statues of trolls. We get there at dawn. They're about to eat us.

We have to, like, stall them for a good five minutes. Yeah. Hey, aren't you guys allergic to the sun? These are what my friends told me. Yeah, you can have one of my arms. Jackson, they've not even said anything. They'll want to eat us. Here, I'll chop it off for

you. With a hacksaw I was imagining. I fling it at the trolls as they turn into stone and it just slaps against their skin and flops to the ground. Oh, fuck. Get Gandalf to fix that for you.

I'll just hold my hand in my other hand, I guess. Cool. What's next? We did that one well. I waggle my hands in your face. Can Gandalf fix that? No.

I don't think he has healing magic, does he? Probably something. He can stop me dying, certainly. He can't stop sepsis, though. Yeah. How long is this journey for Bilbo? It's a while. A couple years. No, that arm's getting rotten real quick. Yeah. I'll patch

it up with some leaves or whatever. Wait, a couple of years? Yeah, it's a journey. It's an unexpected journey. There and then back again, Dusha. We're gonna go there first. Yeah. And then we're gonna go back again. Right. Does that actually- I thought it was just a cutesy name. Yeah.

Well, he goes there and back again. I have read this book. How do I not remember? It's not called there. He doesn't get there and he stops. No, I was dumb. I, for a moment, meant like, hey, there and back again, as in like, go there, come home, go back again.

But you mean back again, back to the Shire. There we go. I know. Another shot in the dark. Well, no, go back again. But you mean back again, back to the Shire. There we go. I know. Another shot in the dark. Well, no, that one was a bit more confident. What's the next thing happens? Do Mary and Poppins live there? That's not their names.

Do Mary Poppins live there? Wow, Mary and Poppins. Oh boy, That's good. What's their names? Mary and Pippin. Oh, Mary Poppins is not that far off. It's just an amazing wire crossing your brain to call the two hobbits Mary Poppins. Oh, wait.

No, Bilbo's really old by the time Lord of the Rings rolls around. Yeah. So the names that I've forgotten already. Mary and Poppins. Merlo and whatever. Merlo and Pippo, yeah No, they're dead Or not alive yet Pre-dead

Alright, next thing we get into I think there's I think there's some goblins Oh that's right, we get a fall in The goblin mines Meet the Goblin King, voiced. Voiced by Stephen Fry. Oh. Got big jowls that just look so fun when they get sliced off.

Yeah. Looks good. From memory, Bilbo doesn't do much in there, so we can just let that take care of itself. No, he falls down. He falls into a pit. Hey, we can do that. Oh, fuck.

They get left behind because they're like, well, this is fucking tight. It's good to imagine that we fall down a pit because we're tied to each other by rope. And the dwarves are like, what? For safety. There's 13 dwarves. Yeah. Gandalf.

And then three boys. Three plumbing boys. That's like 20 guys. Yeah, it's heaps. We can take on the goblins. Exactly. There's a cave. There's a storm. Yeah. We can take on the goblins. Exactly. There's a cave, there's a storm, and we get got by goblins.

Okay. Now are we going to get got by goblins? We have all tied ourselves together with rope for safety. Yes. We don't want to get lost. Okay. Are we in a circle? Yeah. Back to back? No, so I have a rope tied around my waist that's tied around your waist that's tied around

Dammit's waist, but that is tied back to my rope. For safety. We're all facing inward. So we don't get lost. We shuffle like a crab. We fall into a hole got by goblins. Yes. The dwarves won't come for us. That's what I keep saying.

They'll abandon us. Maybe they don't know that we're missing yet. They're not our friends. They might. They love us. These pieces of garbage. Of missing they're not our friends they love us these pieces of garbage of course they're our friends then the dwarves do come they fight the goblin king I just don't think there's much we can do tied to each other

as we are a decision you made off the cuff we have tied to each other my swinging space is not great I cut one part of the rope so we're now tied together but in a line We have tied to each other, so my swinging space is not great. Yeah. I cut one part of the rope, so we're now tied together but in a line. What if we're tied together in the circle, but when we fall, we fall onto the Goblin King, who is very, very fat, and because our circle is quite tight,

we just bisect a cylinder of meat out of his middle. We fall, and it peels off, and we're left with a cylinder of goblins. And all the goblins that were going to attack us just stop holding their spears and stare at us in awe. We're like, what happened? I don't know what's going on. We're covered in goblin blood and there's just like- Face burst into a cylinder of meat.

What's happening? Was this a man? Looks like a banana of meat. The dwarves come down. Oh. The goblins are like, yeah. What? But what's going on?

Look, we need to fall down because that's where we meet goblins. I feel after we- We've skinned the goblin king. We've skinned the goblin king. We've skinned the goblin king. Everyone is in shock. We're like, what? One of us needs to gesture, knocking one of us off the edge. Oh, no.

And then with the rope, we all fall. Yeah. Oh, boy. In the fracas. Gandalf and the other buggerlugs chuff off. They're like, I guess we'll pick them up later. I guess. I don't know if I want to hang out with those

boys. They cylinder the goblin. That's pretty intense. And then we meet this gross little goblin boy. He's not a goblin, but a golem. Oh! Hello, it's me, Gollum. Ah! What have you got? Do I have a sword?

Nah. Do we have sting? Do we have one sword between us? Yeah, we I have a sword? No. Do we have sting? Do we have one sword between us? Yeah, we might have one sword between us. No, what's your weapon? Or we might not have earned the sword yet. Yeah, I think my weapon of choice is rocks that I've laid in my pocket with. Well, because I know that Gollum is a bad guy, so I reckon if I saw him-

Why do you know Gollum's a bad guy? He seems a movie. I've seen Lord of the Rings. That just seems a little bit unfair. He knew the dwarves, or at least he thought he did. My knowledge of the Hobbit comes from apparently the sequel films. Lord of the Rings. But you don't have a sword.

No. What weapon could you conceivably have? I have rocks. Maybe I have the rope. And I've got a two by four. Yeah, good. Hey, that's that bad guy! He's hot wing.

What do you want? Because Gollum, from memory, he's on like a little rock thing sticking out of the water, so we can't get to him. I'll throw rocks at him, certainly. But we can't actively get to him. This is where we find the ring. Yes, it's ring time. We land there.

What? Yeah. And we see the ring and we're like, neat, and we grab it, yeah? No, I think Gollum has it. No, we do. And then Gollum's like, oh, that's mine. Yeah. And then we're like, we have it.

And we're like, put it up on. And then he's like, I'm going to eat you. We're like, no. Oh, that's right. I'm like, you can have my other arm. That's fair. Then we have a battle of wits. Yes, we are clever.

Jackson can't wear the ring anymore. He's just cut off both of his arms. He could wear it on my toe. He could put it on his tongue. Have you ever tried to put a ring on your tongue? Maybe. I could do this through it. You know when you curl your tongue up?

That's what I'm saying to you. His blood is pouring out of my arm. Also, shut up. He's an ixnay on the ingray. Yeah, he doesn Also, shut up. He's an Ixnay on the Ingrey. Yeah, he doesn't know we got an Ingrey. Ixnay on the Hombre. That offspring arm, is that what we're talking about? Yeah.

Avway. Why do you know Pig Latin? It's easy. Yeah. That's nerdy. Shut up, both of you. Anyway, Gollum. Well, if it's easy, then Gollum probably knows it.

I'm the only one confused. Gollum, you want to join our party? Gollum, can you please hurry up with the riddles? I'm bleeding out. I've pulled up the riddles. Let's do them. We can fix them. We can best them.

You know what? And I don't know them, apparently. I'll throw in the ones that we apparently had come up with to see if we also know them, all right? All right. What has roots as nobody sees, is taller than trees, up, up, up it goes, and yet never grows. No.

Fuck. Fuck. Come on. Roots, things people don't see. Roots as nobody sees. What has roots as nobody sees, taller than trees, up, up, up it goes, and yet never grows. I'm telling you it's teeth.

It's not teeth. It's not teeth. It's not teeth. It is... Come on. I don't know. Why do we have to battle them with wits? Can we pass? To be honest, I wouldn't have a clue either. A mountain is the answer.

I guess that makes sense. That's like an earth tooth. In a way, I was right. A mountain makes sense. 30 white horses on a red hill. First they champ, then they stand still. Yes, you're right, Jackson. It was teeth.

Correct. Correct. You got one. I feel like you knew this from somewhere. I feel like I knew one of them was teeth. All right. Voiceless it cries, wingless flutters, toothless bites, mouthless mutters. This one can't be teeth. No.

Because the last one was teeth. And this is toothless. Yes. No teeth. No teeth in this one. Yeah, no teeth. A mouth, but with no teeth. Can I hear that again, Gollum?

Voiceless it cries, wingless flutters, toothless bites, mouthless mutters. And now a quick word from our sponsor. Well, just a weird pause, but while I have you here, have you heard of our sister podcast, Shut Up A Second? I'm not in it, so already we're off to a great start. Jackson hosts it, and it's just comedy without the pretense of pop culture garbage. So if you're tired of us talking about a Star War, a current Avenger, or that Harry Potpot bloke, why not check out Shut Up A Second?

There's currently almost 300 episodes of pure, unadulterated nonsense, available on iTunes or directly from our website, sanspantsradio.com. Wind. Correct. Oh, wow.pantsradio.com. Wind. Correct. Oh, what? Look at him. He knows it. My wits are sharp.

Yeah. I legitimately guessed that. An eye in a blue face saw an eye in a green face. That eye is like to this eye, said the first eye, but in low place, not in high place. What? It's not tooth or wind. Teeth? Just in case this one is also teeth.

An eye for an eye situation is what this sounds like. Look, you keep going, but I reckon none of us will get this one. Eye in a red place. An eye in a blue face. Or an eye in a green face. That eye is like to this eye, said the first eye, but in low place, not in a high place. If it's not teeth, I don't know.

Dog. The sun shining on a daisy. Oh, come on. Right? Come on. Come on, Gollum. Got any ones that aren't boring and shit? It cannot be seen, cannot be felt, cannot be heard, cannot be smelt.

It lies behind stars. An odourless gas. It comes first and follows after, ends life, kills laughter. An odourless gas. An odourless poisonous gas. I'll forgive you that. It comes first and follows after, ends life, kills laughter. Odorous gas. Odorous poisonous gas. I'll give you that, even though the answer is darkness. Odorous colourless gas. Odorous colourless, tasteless gas.

Ends life, kills laughter. This is laughing gas. But it's poisonous. Yes. Fuck you, Gollum, we're right. We got that one. That one's easy, Gollum. Easy.

A box without hinges, key or lid, yet golden treasure inside is hid. Gold teeth. A box without hinges, key, or lid, yet golden treasure inside is hid. Someone who's just eaten a whole bunch of gold. No lid to the treasure. It's in their belly. It's pink. a whole bunch of gold. There's no lid to the treasure. It's in their belly. It's pink. I think he said that.

I'm losing a lot of blood, Garland. Why'd you cut your arm off? I thought he wanted to eat me. See, here's the thing. You've cut your arm off, and then we've entered to a battle of wits, which is the same thing we would have had to do. You're reenacting fainting. That's good.

I'm very pale. Very faint, boys. Very faint. Put him in a river. Just move on. I just float off. Teeth. Teeth.

Teeth. Gollum is a teeth. No, no. JD, are these having a dark? I've forgotten what the- Box without hinges, key or lid, yet golden treasure inside his head. Cradle. An egg.

That makes sense. It was close. I went baby human, but it went baby chicken. Alive without breath, as cold as death, never thirsty, ever drinking, all in mail, never clinking. A lake. Fish. Correct. A lake. Fish. Correct.

Well done. Rapid fire answers is the way to go. This idiot, dead and bleeding out. He's only got one that he just, wait, the answer was fish? Yeah. It's good to imagine me slowly like bobbing in the water next to you. Teeth. Teeth.

Gold teeth. I'll just flip you over so you drown quicker. Grief. The air bubbles of you saying teeth flip you back over again. This is just silly. No legs lay on one leg. Two legs sat near on three legs. Four legs got some. Shut up.

Fish on a little one-legged table, a man sitting at the table in a three-legged stool, the cat gets the bones. Shut up. That's ridiculous. That's silly. Yeah, should have been teeth. Should have been teeth.

Okay. Last one. Second last one, but last one. This thing, all things devour, birds, beasts, trees, flowers, gnaws iron, bites steel, grinds hard stones to meal, slays kings, ruins town, and beats high mountains down. This one could

be teeth. Time. It's time. This one could legitimately be teeth, though. I mean, every animal eats it. Look, no animal feasts Just solely on teeth That's not how it started either Every animal eats it

You could eat a mountain given enough time Kings are Always killed by teeth You just can't You can't eat a mountain I know you've had this argument before And I'm just going to tell you right now. No.

With enough time, you can eat a whole mountain. And then you could. No. A lot of kings do die from getting bitten to death by their usurpers. This one could have been teeth. Hang on. You legitimately think a person could eat a mountain. Give it enough time. How much time? Forever. Forever legitimately think a person could eat a mountain. Give it enough time.

How much time? Forever. Like a lifespan? I've learned that I can't eat the Taj Mahal in a lifetime. I've learned that. That lesson's been taught to me. Yes. But a mountain, a moderately sized mountain.

Famously bigger than the Taj Mahal. But made of easier to consume materials. No. No. We went through mass to consume materials. No. No. We went through mass. Well. Surely no. But this one could have been teeth.

Given enough time, infinite time, you could eat a mountain. So. Infinite. Gollum, give us the gold or whatever we were doing this. And the last question is more for us too, Gollum, of what have I got in my pocket? And that's the end of the ring. What have I got in us two, Gollum, of what have I got in my pocket. Ah. And that's the end of the ring. What have I got in my pocket, Gollum?

Hey. Hey. That's right, a hole. And I can surreptitiously jerk it while no one's looking. It's a thing I do, Gollum. Well, you can't now because you've got no arms. Yeah, I wanted to throw rocks at him, but I can't. So, now we get to leave, and the way we do that

is by putting on the ring, and there's only one ring, three boys, and one no arms. So what we can do is, well, you see a ring, how it's got, you know, two entryways, so we can kind of like put our fingers, there we touch it, and off we leave

my friends have disappeared so we chuff off while gollum takes all his fury on you jackson dead it could have been teeth it could have been teeth thus ends the reign sue jackson as gollum devours me'm like, I'm dying like a king does. I'm dying a king's death. Tip! Bit to death as every king goes. You've rejoined the dwarves. They're like, weren't there three of you?

You're like, I don't think so. That's right. Sure, there was Joel and Joel. Yeah, because we have the same name. That's probably what you're getting confused for No that would only make sense For literally the reverse Wasn't there a Sue Jackson?

No That's a ridiculous name Wasn't there someone with a name that's not a real name? I don't think so That's big coming from Gomelor or whatever That's big coming from Cremelon Come on What are you, basket?

Come on now. That's just a thing. Yeah, wasn't there one of you? He cut off his own arm earlier. That'd be a crazy thing to do. Ringing no bells. Yeah. Alright, so after that, I think we...

The tragic death of Sue Jackson. Brast in peace. I think we have to fight death of Sue Jackson. Brust in peace. I think we have to fight. I think it's like some warg attacks. But again, we just run. Yeah. You don't have to enter any combat. That's the dwarves problem.

That's not what you're here to do. And you're not... I keep forgetting what we're here to do. What are we here to do? Because I thought it was to get the ring. No. We got that. I just start walking back.

We did it. We did it. Hooray. We did what. We got that. I just start walking back. We did it. We did it. Hooray. We did what? We got the- We got the Lonely Mountains. You're going to get the Lonely Mountain where the Dwarves' city has been taken over by Smaug.

Oh, that's right. What if we put the ring on Smaug? Well, then you'd have an invisible dragon. But don't the- You might need- But then don't, like, the Death Eat- No, what are they called? Uruk?

No. The ringwraiths? Yeah, wouldn't that come for Smaug? Maybe later. Maybe down the track. Not in this movie. End of book. Yeah.

So ringwraiths don't exist in The Hobbit. I think, no, they mustn't. Because they don't... No, I think ringwraiths are the old men. Yeah. The kingdoms of the old kings. Kings of yore. The ones that got assassinated by being etched.

The kings of yore bit to death by their roots. That's why the ringwraiths and the mentors don't have teeth because it reminds them of their own death. They knew that that's how they died. Because men had seven rings or whatever. When they died, they all became ring wraiths. So surely you put the ring on Smaug for long enough. I mean, good luck.

I mean, I'm excited to see what happens. Because a lot of the stuff then happens on. Dragons gone. It goes forward. We fixed the problem. Dragons gone. Where is it? Bilbo is sort of inconsequential.

Because a lot of the stuff is now the dwarves problem We're just there We outwitted Gollum by feeding them our good friend and running Yeah basically by the time There's nothing really you have to do until Smaug time And then you gotta come in handy These moments must be exciting Go in

Use your sneaky skills Put the ring on the dragon. If that's what your plan is. The dragon gets killed by ringwraiths. Yeah. Do we have sting or whatever? What is the plan? He's got to get something from there.

Yes, yes. That's what he's got to grab. The magic stone from the dragon's hoard. But it's buried amongst a lot of gold. So he's got to sneak his way in in a way where Smaug won't notice and collect the Arkenstone to take back to Tromlo or whatever. Thromlef. What's Arkansas, the rock or whatever?

He's got to get the Arkansas stone. I think it's just a magic rock, basically. What does it do? It might help him get his home back. Yeah. Maybe it'll kill Smaug. I don it do? It might help him get his home back. Yeah. Maybe it'll kill Smaug. I don't know. You left me to die in a cave.

Did I? Or did you cut both of your arms off? You could have dragged me back to the dwarves. And what would have happened? You would have died. Well, eventually. We all got to go. So you got to get the Arkenstone.

I forget what it does, but that's what they need. That's what they require. All right. It might just be a great treasure, to be honest. You need it for something. Put it in the sword. Yeah, maybe. Sword in the sword.

That's not your problem what you need it for. All you know is you got to get it. Okay. You're trying to find this reason out. Maybe something I should have done at the top of the episode. It's not this definitely isn't a part of the episode where people are angry and yelling at their phone. People aren't like, how do you boys not know The Hobbit?

We're like, well. I read it in primary school. I've seen the movie. All of them? Yeah. Why? I don't know. Fair enough.

Which one was good? The first one's all right. How was the second one? That was the third one. Diminishing returns. Diminishing returns. Third one was good? The first one's all right. That was the second one. That was the third one. Diminishing returns. Diminishing returns. Third one, worst one. Battle of Five Armies?

Yeah. Second one is Journey to Middle Earth. Journey to Middle Earth. Nice try. An unexpected journey. Then there's Desolation of Smaug. There you go. That's the one.

Desolation. Yeah. The last one seemed to be just Peter Jackson was just tired. Yeah. You could feel it. Yeah. So. Anyway.

Yeah. Then we go there to kill a dragon and or steal the Arkenstone. Yeah. But once you climb into the gold. Yes. That's when I assume the two of you were like, wait, what are we here for? We're sneaky. We put the rings on, so we're touching the fingertips.

Yeah, good. Being like, what are we here for? To put the ring on the dragon to make the dragon disappear. But then won't it be an invisible dragon? The ring rays still get it. The dead kings. Remember when one of the rings won? Yeah, but the ring rays aren't here.

We're here. If we put the ring on the dragon, then we've got to get out again, and then I can't see the dragon. The ring rays will come. Do you see enough eventually? I honestly thought that you go to a different dimension when you put on the ring. No, you just go.

Did you see the same film that I saw? In the cinematic release of the Lord of the Rings films. That's right. So the last time I saw Lord of the Rings was 2004 or 2005. Yeah, well, there you go. Yeah, it's been a while. Look, well, I'm here to tell you right now. We're in the same dimension.

We are in the same. See, look, we're just invisible. I'm a stomp on this pile of gold. See how it moves? Yeah, that but with a big dragon. You're just invisible. Why do people want the ring so bad then if it only makes you invisible? Who cares?

There's other things because we sit down and I explain the plot of Lord of the Rings. I don't care about the plot. Just tell me what does a ring do? Stop explaining the plot of Lord of the Rings. It just controls all the other rings. It's very powerful. One ring to rule them all. No, I've heard one ring to rule them all.

You're in charge of the get it. You're in charge of the ring raids. You're in charge of everyone else who's got a ring. But then why when Frodo gets the ring do the ring raids try and kill him? I don't know. It's unclear. Because you've got to use it's also like the power. You've got to be a powerful wizard. Frodo's a Why doesn't Gandalf have it? Why doesn't Gandalf

just use it? Because he knows he's too powerful and he'll get corrupted. Sauron, he'll be able to use the ring to do big things. Because Sauron's a powerful sorcerer as well. He's a warlock or some shit. I hate this ring. Well, me too. Throw it away, then.

I would love to, but right now, if we throw it away, then Smaug will see us. Smaug probably would hear you. Yeah. Then we look up and there's Smaug being like, yes, boys. Little humanses. I am the dragon Sma take off the rig hello what hey i reckon i can do a magic trick and if we win the magic trick you have to give us that rock

okay watch me disappear disappear. Ta-da! I mean, you were invisible beforehand, so... They shouldn't have said that you agreed. I don't know if this counts. I feel... I might have just bested, not Smaug, but a dumber version of you. I don't know

if this counts as a magic trick. Zabit, keep saying that it counts as a magic trick. Why sneak behind him and pick up the rock myself? I'll distract him with a magic trick, and I'll try to explain the plot of all the rings to Smaug. You sneak around, grab the Arkenstone. Some kind of sorcerer who can see the future. You grab the Arkenstone.

No, I've just seen all of the rings. You can just rent it on DVD, Smaug. It's so easy Just brain him Brain him with the Arkansas Fuck We just brain that dragon Bites at the two of you

And then flies away to shithole town Or whatever the one in the water is Does Smaug not die? No, well what happens is Smaug Why have we got to explain these movies to you? You're there holding a semi-blooded rock. Me putting the ring on and off. Like some kind of...

Does Smaug not die? What even? Smaug flies away to Watertown or Porttown or something. Lake Town. Lake Town and he gets shot with a big arrow by a fella. There you go. Yeah. So he still dies pretty much straight away. He big arrow by a fella. There you go. Yeah. So he still dies pretty much straight away.

He burns Lake Town a bit. Lake Town. So while that's happening, I guess the two of you just... What an idiot. Also, just a random guy just has a big bow and arrow? It's like a big crossbow at the top of a building. And they're like, ah, dragon, and they just shoot it and kill him. Well, I mean, he's shot...

Oh, my God. In the store. The ghost of Sue Jackson is there. Oh, a dragon, and then you shoot it and it kills him. Well, I mean, he shot, oh, my God. In the story. The ghost of Sue Jackson is there. Oh, man. Yeah, I know, dude. In the story goes. It's like he or him or maybe his dad had a shot at killing Smaug a long time ago. But he made, like, the arm go a little bit.

So there's, like, a weak spot. So this guy hits that weak spot again and kills Smaug. Oh, now that makes sense. If you look, it's happening right now. Yeah, there it is. And there it goes. Bang, death to Smaug. Now we're in the movie Battle of Five Armies.

Are you happy? Anyway. Thorin! That's his name. Yeah, that's the guy. Anyway, I'm going back to heaven. Heaven? Bye, Sue Johnson.

Now, was he tricking us or does he think hell is good? That's the question. Hard to say. After thinking about that for 20 minutes we continue our journey. And Thorin comes in and he's like I have this home now and he gets real sulky

and we're like hey maybe don't be such a little piece of shit and he's like, no. And then the Battle of Five Armies occurs. Wait, what? Yeah. So they fight over Laketon? No, they fight over the Dwarven City.

Oh, so the guy who killed Smaug is like, hey, I get this now. No, it's a complicated. I'm not going to explain more of the Hobbit to you. Frankly, I refuse. I'm not going to explain more of the Hobbit to you. Frankly, I refuse. All you need to know is that a big war is happening out the front. It's got anything to do with us.

Not you two, specifically. Then can't we just walk around it? Walk around the war. Can't I just walk around World War I? I'll just scoot around the outside. Right? Scoot around the outside. Well, we can have a ring to turn it invisible. You could leave. We could leave.

Why do we need to stay? It doesn't concern us. It's up to you two. Yeah, I'm just going to... Okay, why should I stay? Look, to the letter of the law, we have finished our quest. You're right. Yeah.

We were here to kill Smaug and get them out. We've done that. Yes. There are orcs, goblins and wolves I think out the front. Orcs maybe. Like elves and man and dwarf or whatever. Who do we report back to to say we did the mission? The dwarves. The dwarves are right here.

And there's Gandalf being like well yes yes you did. Something else has occurred. To the letter of the law, in terms of, yes, you did help Thorin get back his home. And yes, if you left now, in theory, I guess you have done what you've set out to do. But for the goodness of your heart. It would be nice if you stuck around and helped with the battle.

Yeah. But you're not legally obliged to. Over this journey of several years, I assume, we've gotten. We've grown a rapport. We are affectionate for one another. We like each other. Thorin is basically our brother. So the dwarves have to fight the four of us. The dwarves, yeah.

They have to fight the four orbs. The dwarves, yeah. They have to fight the four orbs. No. Man, elves and dwarves are there. Yeah. On the same side. On the same side. And they're fighting orcs. And gobos. And gobos. Yeah. And like. And big sandworms. And it's very massive.

And it's because the orcs and the goblins are like, nah, just kidding. We want this gold. Yeah. Well, they want the town I think Yeah the dwarven city The dwarven city is pretty important Now that Smaug is gone It's a bit of a three way Because like

I can't believe we're explaining the horror to him I said I wouldn't do this Man and elves are like fucking Thorin If you let us in we can at least Come together and fight And Thorin's if you let us in, we can at least come together and fight. And Thorin's like, no. No, he's having a sook. He's having a big old sook.

And we've got to be like, stop having a sook. Well, you don't have to. You could go home. What's he sooking about? Thorin, Gandalf, it's been great. I've had a good time. Keep the gold. I've got this ring.

I flip it up. We've got this ring. I'm so sorry. I'm going to get bought it for $30 to $40. So, you know what? I sense nothing but trouble. Sticking around. Hey, Thorin. You got the ring. You don't need it.

I don't need it. You know what? You're right. I don't need it. I'm going to get two sacks. Fill them with gold. One for JT one for me and be like later enjoy

we're gonna be at the Shire if you need us don't call you get a house big enough to have two hinges on your circle door frankly

I would stay but I don't understand what we're fighting about so I had enough see you later I am dead in a cave I was the only one

in air quotes heaven yep I was the only one who didn't survive the Bilbo Baggins experience the two of you truly you triumphed how does the battle

of five armies end it's not for you to know it'll be two horses as we go back this time you don't know if you want to know go behind'll be two horses as we go back this time. You don't know. If you want to know, go behind. Let's do a U-turn.

You can find out yourself, but I don't want to know right now. Nobody's going to tell you. You've got to go back and watch it. If you want to learn how the Battle of Five Homies ends. By all means. If you want to know the events of the Hobbit, you're going to have to watch the Hobbit. I trot back.

I'm like, look. Look, I point. There it's happening. If you gonna have to watch the hobbit. I trot back about, look, look, I point. There it's happening. If you want to know the ending of the five armies, there it is. Billy Connolly's there. You know who's not? Me. Is this gonna negatively impact the Shire? No.

Sure a bit. Look, hey, in fact, maybe not at all. We've given the ring to Thorin. Wraiths and Gowndov got no reason to come to us. So, yeah. In many ways, fucked over the dwarves. It's fucked over the dwarves.

Maybe the ring will be easier for Sauron to get it. I don't know. But you know what I do know? Not our problem. Not our circus. Not a lot of gold. Not our monkeys. Go home, get a new house. Exactly. Ride this donkey back to the Shire, laden of gold. Not our monkeys. Go home, get a new house.

Ride this donkey back to the Shire, laden with gold, buy a new house. Well, I haven't seen The Hobbits, but I feel like that we've done a great job. I feel like the two of you, like I said, you did survive the Bilbo Baggins experience. We did it better. He's so jaded in The Lord of the Rings, I think. Yeah. He has a big birthday and he's upset.

I think. Not me. I'm happy. I've got gold. Heaps of it. Wait, does Bilbo also get gold? Because if he also gets gold, I guess it wasn't that much gold. You've got to watch the movie to find out. That's how this works.

I hate Aragon. I hope he doesn't come to my town. He's got two names and that makes me upset. He's got a name and a nickname. No, don't engage. And on that note, I've been Jackson Bailey. I've been Joel. And I've been Joel also

What's his other name? I'm not telling you Strider It's Strider Aragon and Strider Aragon is clearly your name Don't call yourself Strider He doesn't

Other people call him Strider So is he like Aragon the Strider? No Engaged again No They call him Strider You're doing it Fuck

Why do they call him Strider? You're doing it. Fuck. Fuck. Why do they call him Strider? You know what? I don't want to know. Because he's a ring... I don't want to know. He's a ringwraith. What?

No, I'm not answering. Goodbye. Thanks for listening. And if you want to follow us on Twitter, you can find us at SansPantsRadio or you can find us individually. I'm at Douche13. I'm at OldDogsOfDead.

And I'm at GodDammitZammit. If you want to hear our other shows, you can head to SandspantsRadio.com, and you'll find all our other content there. There's heaps! And if you want to support us, head to SandspantsPlus.com. Thank you again for listening, and we'll see you again next time. Good night for now. But not forever.

Kisses.