Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Survive the Game of Thrones?

Episode Date: March 6, 2016

In which our heroes visit Westeros, take a leisurely walk upon yonder cliff and start plotting and scheming as we try to survive the Game of Thrones. We look at which bad choices get you killed (all of them), do our best to avoid incest and come to accept the inevitable betrayal of everyone we know. Jackson plays the long game, Zammit tries his best but he does not succeed and Duscher just does what he is told, no questions asked. So join the gang as they realise that maybe this isn’t a game where you win or die, but just die and the only solution is a heist for the ages.Want to help find the rightful heir to rule Westeros? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in winning or dying. Hankering for some sweet geeky loot every month? Do us a favour and go to http://www.geekfuel.com/sanspants and sign up to receive your (possible) Jamie Lannister today!And don’t forget to help us work out where to go for our Australian tour! Head to https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/sanspantstour and your handsome faces might be seeing our handsome faces very soon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Thanks so much. You're a bunch of heroes. I hope you enjoy the episode. Hey guys, welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, how would you survive the Game of Thrones? Oh, are we assuming for this that we are part of the battle for the throne? Are we nobles at all? Yeah. You know what?

I'm going to mix this up. And we spoke about this a little bit before we started recording. We didn't discuss this at all. We want the throne. How are we surviving that? Knowing that we want the throne. All are we surviving that knowing that we want the throne? Alright. Living to an old age.

So I just keep quiet, keep to myself, I eat a healthy meal of honey and oats every day, drink a cool glass of water, step on anybody's toes, and eventually the rest of the cunts will die. Then Jackson Valley gets the throne for like two years before I myself die. But then I get the throne comfortably and nobody stabs me in the brain

or cuts off my fingers or any of that shit. They might, though. Well, I'm just an old man living my life. They don't care, mate. That was my strategy as well. Mine was like stay in bed. Stay in bed. Wait it out. People will murder you in my life. They don't care, mate. That was my strategy as well. Mine was like, stay in bed. Stay in bed. Wait it out.

People will murder you in your bed. Why would they murder old man Jackson? Because you have a claim for the throne. Not a good one. So if it's a claim before them, they'll like stab you in the heart. Nah, see, my strategy was like, why would I have a claim to the throne?

If I had a claim to the throne, I'd probably be number one, because let's be honest. Stabbed. But nah, my claim, I'm just like, nah, I'm going to get the throne. You just want the throne if i had a claim to the throne i'd probably be number one because let's be honest but no my claim like i'm just like no i'm gonna get the throne you just want i want the throne and i'll get it it's okay give me time but how well um see a lot of things in game of thrones happen because people think with their dick or think with their sword and are like i just want to murder everyone yeah yeah two are both bad strategies for being a king or becoming a king uh first of all so like for instance yeah the red wedding uh-huh that unfolded poorly sure did that didn't work out for

robster benny involved or involved although he did die he did go off and someone sewed his wolf head onto his body that's pretty cool he wasn't alive to witness this but he kind of became a wolf man a dead wolf man though it's more exciting than a dead wolf man

and a live man man which is what I will be with the red wedding that was like of course you're gonna die playing it like that yes yeah you're honor bound to marry some dickhead's daughter and they apologize and they gave them like you know look instead of wearing rob you can have the um um uh the blackfish another tully the uncle and they broke bread which is a giant custom they shared i think yeah but if you know that Incest King Filch is Incest King. No, he's not.

Yes, he is. He's dating all his daughters. No. Yeah. No, he's just has so many daughters. Do you fucking remember the amount of times he gropes one of his daughters? Yeah, like. Yeah, he's fucking all his daughters.

He does it in that episode. Yeah, he like gropes her ass as they're standing by him. He's Incest King Filch. And he's like, hey, like hey you can even marry like there's too many incest kings then they're all incest kings and that's another reason i'm not gonna fuck anyone i'm related to not even once so much won't even think about it i'll just be like no that's gross get out of here although it's the social norms you might be like no good and if you're a Targaryen it's implied that you need to kind of be obliged

yeah really gotta keep that dragon blood going I'm a doucher insert everyone's like fuck my sister no

that's gross look I mean yes it was kind of dumb of them but at the same time they did all these customs which shouldn't have been

it doesn't matter you shouldn't even need to get to the customs point it's gotta use common sense. You seem to be like, I'm honour bound by this wedding. I have broken that honour.

I'm going to die now. I shouldn't hang around in the castle. Then it's like, yeah, they did the honour bound thing of breaking food and then they broke that. I mean, you should have seen that one coming. Yeah. Oh, I did it. They're doing it back. I get it. I get it. I mean, you should have seen that one coming. Oh, I did it. They're doing it back. I get it.

Words mean nothing. Yeah, honour means nothing because I betrayed it. So would you just have married Filch's gross daughter? Absolutely. Alright. I'd just be like, look, love of my life, whom I am in love with. This marriage clearly means nothing. Don't tell anyone.

I'm only doing it so I don't die. Son of a bitch. Stabbed in the neck. Who would kill me? For example, if you're Rob Stark in this situation. Maybe your mean wife. Yeah. Marry the fray. Marry the, you know,

daughter of the incest king. So marry the fray. And then like, you know. Cable car over my head. Great song. It's not a great song. No, nothing is good. It's like Coldplay light. I hate it.

And Coldplay already garbage. I hate it so much. Coldplay already pretty light. Light on talent. Coldplay 2% fat. Just like a side note. Coldplay, I can't stand them. I just can't.

My favorite thing at the moment is when my friend, like when I, like one of my friends is annoyed with something I did. I like to sing the first line of Fix You at them when you try your best but you don't succeed Coldplay are like a bowl of lukewarm water but I like it

the band so yeah marry the fray and then you're you know in the books I think it was no I'm not keeping the love of my life

on the side like I'm not fucking her on the side. Because all the kings do it. Fucking Rob Baratheon dies. No, but see, douche is trying to survive. I don't want to do what the other kings are doing. Don't fuck anyone.

Because what the kings are doing is dying. What the Jolls are doing is living. All right, so you're like, okay. Yes. Fuck it. You're just not douche. You're fucking Rob Stark. Of course I am.

There you go. Handsome as. Handsome as. Well, good looking. King of the North. Before he got, you know, died like a dick at a wedding. At a wedding is all boring. At least die at a fucking party.

Better one. He died at a party. I guess a wedding. No. Die at your bachelor party. Weddings are kind of a party. That's true. Weddings are a big party.

They're a massive celebration. Yeah. A celebration of true love and togetherness. Yes. They're boring. It wasn't even his wedding as well. It was his uncle's true. Weddings are a big party. They're a massive celebration. Yeah. A celebration of true love and togetherness. Yes. They're boring. It wasn't even his wedding as well. It was his uncle's wedding. Sad.

Yeah, that's right. Sad. Dick. Head. All right, so you're Robb Stark. All right. You've fallen in love with Charlie Chaplin's granddaughter. Daughter?

Yeah. Granddaughter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, hey, love your papa's work yeah i love you um knocked her off and they're like okay oh i forgot about the way it hey was promised to uh no see i wouldn't fuck her because it's too late what no because rob stock's already dead by that point you haven't married her you just knocked her up yeah but then incest King's still gonna be mad at that

Nah you don't have to tell him Lie Bastard children Baratheon's had so many How about what's the first Okay let's try to knock this out What is the first bad decision Rob Stark makes That results in his death

Marrying Sleeping with Whatever her name is Whatever her name is Alright Changes in the book The gypsy girl In the book She's actually a Lannister

Well I'll be Not like a Lannister But like a side Lannister Side Lannister Yeah Good Yeah Okay so

The mistake I make Is fucking someone Yeah I guess the mistake really Is falling in love That's alright I have a cold heart That will not be an issue for me.

You might be swayed by her feminine charms. Her feminine wiles. Now, but Duscha's plan is just do everything required of him. That's how he survives the Game of Thrones. Yeah. They're like, Joel Duscha, you are to marry this person. You're like, sick, done.

I'm in. And they're like, you are to take this shitty castle out in the swamps and you're like i'm there all over that shit love it i love it you guys you guys you guys are champs you guys are my favorite you're not winning the game no we're not looking to win it we're just looking to survive no i'm going to get it you're not going to get it though you're going to be kind of what they do or try to do with little finger which is like fuck off to that town like that little finger dies as well doesn't nah he's still alive as a recording and a champion

he's my fave as a recording good because we have no idea when this is coming out is season 6 out yet is season 8 out yet who knows

so you could do what they do and if you but does Littlefinger could get the throne I'm banking on it yeah

but the thing is I think with Littlefinger he might be see that's my plan would be trying to do all this kind of sneaky shit make it look like I don't want the throne but be'm banking on it. Yeah, but I think with Littlefinger, he might be... See, that's my plan, would be trying to do all this kind of sneaky shit. Make it look like I don't want the throne, but be kind of controlling the person like a puppet master. Nah, you're going to die. Someone will realise. Yeah, see, that's the danger.

People do that all the time. They're like, oh no, I'm just trying to see... It's like everybody's strategy in Game of Thrones. No, but Littlefinger and Varys and no one really knows it's those two. Especially Varys. No one knows it's Varys. Yeah, but like, isn't Tyr... Become a eunuch. There's my... Oh no, then I'll's those two. Especially varies. No one knows it's varies. Yeah, but like, isn't Tyr... Become a eunuch. There's my... Oh, no, then I'll lose my dick.

Oh, no. And that's the one thing you care about. And it's too late for you to even be a castrato. It's not even like you get a good voice out of it. You just get all sad. No, I'm committed. No, but then if I don't have my dick, I have no drive to fuck anyone,

which means I have a better drive for the... That's true. I've got to do it. Cut off your dick and hands. And you can't stab anyone. You can't fuck anyone. No, but you stab the... That's true. I've got to do it. Cut off your dick and hands. And you can't stab anyone. You can't fuck anyone. No, but Zabit, it's you. So what'll happen is you lose your dick

and you'll be like, the only person who's going to kill me now is me. Exactly. Like, Zabit, you haven't had a dick for 20 minutes. The only person who's going to have to kill me now is myself, so I'm going to try and, like, fight off that urge, because it'll be a biggin'.

Jackson's doing nothing. I'm trying to do everything required of me And you're just trying to fight off your demons Yes It's just like Kill yourself No no no Hang on

I've got some plans I can't I can't fuck anyone But I can metaphorically No one's going to want a eunuch king though No I don't want to be king I want to be the person in power Behind the king

See Yeah But then you're not getting the throne. I technically get in the throne. Well, you're technically standing behind the throne. You don't get to sit on it. That's what I think it's all about. I can when everyone's gone to bed

and I can pull a sneaky into the throne room and have a bit of a sit. It's fucking always empty anyway. So just hop in. Do you know what's good if you hop in and did that? Do you know what will probably happen? Dead. Someone will see you and you'll die.

No, maybe. Nah, maybe. All Alright, here's a new plan from me. I gather together a team of skilled individuals. Dead. They're gonna turn on you. They've turned on you. You're dead. And we together heist the throne out of there.

Take it somewhere new. Yes. Plump it down Sit on it Sit on that shit So Good Alright

I got the throne My only request is that When you sit on it Can you guys wear like a massive waistcoat So you're all one man So when you sit on it You're all sitting on it We did it boys

Take two turns Another playem comes together For the Westeros heist team. That'd be very funny. Like, the king comes out. Where's my throne? What do you mean? The actual throne.

Where is it? Shit, where'd it go? Well, I guess you know. It's made of swords, though, so be careful. You might cut yourself. It'll be sharp, I imagine. I think it might be bolted to the floor

but that's why I need a team of skilled individuals I need somebody to distract everybody with parlour tricks in the other room, I need somebody to be able to cut it out of the floor Somebody to sail a ship with it on it Yeah, chuff the throne to the other side of the world

Come on, get it back Westeros Go to fucking the Australia side of the world. Yeah. Come on, get it back, Westeros. Go to fucking the Australia place. Whatever the place is called. What? What were the Coliseum from? No, there's like an actual Australia with kangaroos. That's sick. Really? I forget where the fuck

it is, but it's like there's somebody one day once mentions two continents that nobody's discovered yet, but people tell rumors of a continent, yadda yadda yadda, which sounds a bit like America, and they end another continent with giant rabbits.

And you're like, lol, that's us. Down under in Westeros. Having our own fucking... problems. Nah, we probably don't. South of Ross. That's what I'm calling it. It might be called Sothis actually

Damn it My dumb name Is too close to its real name But yeah I'll drift the iron throne Down there I'll plonk it down Everyone will be like

What does this mean They'll be like It means I'm king They'll be like We're a giant kangaroo Fuck you Or giant rabbit We are a giant kangaroo

A priest of the law And just become like Fire god Yeah That'd be fun Set the whole of Fucking Or a giant kangaroo. A priest of R'hllor and just become like fire god. Yeah. That'd be fun. Set the whole of fucking... Set the whole Westeros on fire and bring people back from the dead.

Look, this one is a more controversial plan that is going to require a lot of planning, but what if I became a dragon? Yeah, all right. I'm in. It's like the priest fire thing, but then I can just breathe it. I mean, I don't know how you're going to kind of go about it, but...

Speak to Daenerys. Fuck this. I'm going north. I'm going to become a walker. Fuck you all. Then you're just going to be a zombie. Good. You're going to be killed by the walkers.

I'll be like, going up to the wraiths, the people in charge. But look, hi. Joel Zammett. Joel Zammett. Former noble? What am I in this scenario? I think we were all nobles. Low-level nobles.

House Zammett, House Dushan, House Baelin. I come from the Tyrells, because they're far south. So I'd be like, look, I know a lot about what's going on down south. Make me not your king, just a buddy. And I'll be giving you information about fucking Westeros, so we can just fuck all that right off see the problem with stuff like that is

in Game of Thrones if you're like hey no I'm betraying because then the moment you double cross someone betrayal gets punished the moment you

double cross anyone either the people you double cross or the people you're double crossing to one of those parties is going to stab you yeah the life people

will because actually no the guy I'm going up to he's going to stab you. Yeah, the life people will because... Actually, no. The guy I'm going up to, he's going to stab me anyway because I need to be dead. So done. I'm being stabbed. So that's criteria done. And then come back to life.

Do you remember what the title of the episode's called? How do you survive the Game of Thrones? So if I'm dead and sitting on the throne... Doesn't count. Thought I'd got you on a technicality. It's a 30-second rule, though. So if you're dead and then within 30 seconds end up on the throne... Nah, because I've got to die when I'm up north.

Yeah, no. Can I join the Dothraki? Is that on? Is that cool? Yeah, but they don't really care about... Eating horse hearts. I'm there. Yes, that's sick, but they don't care about the throne.

I'm not trying to get... I just want to survive. But he wants... Dusha's like, but they don't care about the throne I'm not trying to get I just want to survive but he wants Dusha's like no Dusha wants the throne alright so are you surviving Game of Thrones I just want to survive

I'm going to chill with the Dothraki yeah alright I'll hop in they'll be like eat this horse heart I'll be like does this mean I'm

married to Khal Drogo now they'll be like no why do you believe that what's this cat doing I don't know I don't like how it's about it sometimes tears at the speaker i don't know

if it's allowed to i'm gonna say no come over here that's jackson come to fuck you cat i think his name's carol we don't know yet carol didn't respond joel no just sat down again most cats do when you school call their name. They just sit. Well, what's our greatest flaw within Game of Thrones that will get us killed? I'm not very clever. Yeah. Even if you're like... Nah, idiots survive.

Someone will just hoedore me. They'll be like, hey, my son's a wizard. Let him ride you. I'll be like, yes, sir. Jackson. I think the best thing is either to be like a humble merchant that doesn't try and fuck anyone over

and then just trying to be caught in the crossfire the problem there is it depends where you live so if we're fuck off nobles and we're just like we're us

we're just dudes living in the Game of Thrones world what are we trying to do what's our profession because even if you're in like a little small town you might just get raped and killed

just by being in that small town. It's for being in the Game of Thrones universe. It seems like a real high risk. That's what it's all about. High risk, high reward. Get the throne. Even if you own an inn with a couple of horse stables

or that kind of shit. Earning an inn is a mistake. Someone's going to set it on fire. Or Clegane's is going to come in and be like, I like your daughter and I like them horses. You're going to be like, I like your daughter, and I like them horses. He's going to be like, I hate this fucking universe. I hate this town. And he's like, give me them.

And like, sure. He's like, you didn't answer quick enough. And he's going to stab me. I'm like, I gave you what you want. That's why you become a Hodor to the king. I'll go in, I'll be just like, Jackson. Jackson, Jackson. And they'll be like, you're half of it.

I'll be like, Jackson. And they'll be like you're half it over like Jackson and they might stab you though why is that be like hey they might stab you at birth that's true or they might stab you just to check if you are a half wit and I'll be like oh fuck I'll be like dang fucking damn shit okay Lop my head off or whatever. Plus, I'm not huge like Hodor, so I wouldn't, if I went and I was like Hodor. Oh, he's a giant blood somewhere in there. Yeah, but I don't have that. Hodor's just Hagrid.

Hodor and Hagrid, both H's. That's true. Hate both of them. I feel like if they were like, will you carry my crippled wizard son? I would be like, I am not strong enough. Sorry. How crippled is he?

He's pretty good. Legs don't work. Oh, yeah. He's just paralyzed from the waist down. Yeah. But he's going to become like a tree man soon. He's a super wizard. He's basically going to be a wizard.

I've seen episodes of Game of Thrones and I'd never noticed that Bran's legs don't work. That's like what happens like episode fucking two. Episode one, dickhead. I've seen episode one. He gets pushed out a window and his legs break. Ah! That's right. I remember that because he's watching them fuck. Yeah. Nah, good. That's what happens. Don't be a perv or your legs

will break. It seems like there's some consistent rules though to surviving the Game of Thrones universe. Don't fuck anyone you ain't supposed to don't break any fucking promises yeah don't have too much honor as well like you can't be too rigid that's what kills eddard and rob yeah don't be proud if someone's like hey you know fucking bow to me you're like sick sick pull the joel duchamp method you're like sick you're in charge basically seven deadly sins have none of them yeah Yeah. Just trying to be perfect.

What happens to Hot Pie? Does he get shot in the stomach? No, Hot Pie just lives a good life making pies. Yeah, making pies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why does that man's rock face get smashed in by a rock? What did he do? Which rock face?

Which guy? Mountain and the Viper episode. What's that called? Mountain and the Viper? Yeah. You raped her, you killed her. That episode? Do you mean, why does the mountain...

The mountain doesn't get his head squished by a rock. No, the...per? Yeah. You raped her, you killed her, you murdered the babies. That episode? Do you mean, why does the mountain, the mountain doesn't get his head squished by a rock? No, Oberyn does. Oberyn gets his head squished by two hands. But he's too proud. Yeah.

And he wants a confession. Nah, and he also does like a little fucking dance. Nah, he's toying with the Viper. Yeah. So he's toying with the mountain.

You stabbed the mountain in the mouth. And that's the thing, like he didn't want to kill the mountain, he wanted to suffer and he wanted to get the confession

that he basically raped and killed his sister and whatnot. Actually, if you want to survive in the Game of Thrones universe, be the worst person. Like let's be honest, the people who survive in Game of Thrones are the people you hate. Oh wait um. Aside from like

Joffrey, but Joffrey is like a certain level of too awful. You want to just get like neatly in the middle don't kill prostitutes Joffrey you sick fuck I think that's okay Joffrey's mistake is that he's too smug he was, he thought he was untouchable

yeah nah just be like I'm the worst person but be aware of your mortality and you're sweet murder everyone murder everybody you see torture, eat dudes I'm the worst person, but be aware of your mortality and you're sweet. Yeah, exactly. Murder everyone. Murder everybody you see. Torture. All right, here's this.

Eat dudes. Rather than surviving the Game of Thrones, you've got the throne. Oh, sweet. How do you survive keeping that throne? I just wait for my inevitable death and accept it when it arrives. When they come and they're like, we're taking it. I'm like, I enjoyed my time. This 23 seconds has been great.

Come on. There you go. Okay. Here's some little caveats on there. How did you get the throne? Was it through bloodshed, birthright, or heist? Are they only literally the two ways you can get the Game of Thrones? Because mine would be a combination of both. Because there's only way you can get the Game of Thrones.

I mean, the only way you can get the Game of Thrones. I mean, the only way you can become the King of Westeros is if you're born into it or if you... Stab your way into it. Stab your way in, yeah. I'm going to say

I was born into it and I pulled the same thing that Daenerys did. Because there was that whole thing with... Jackson Bailey, Mother of Dragons. Robert Baratheon

and Eddard Stark where it was like Eddard could have sat on the throne or even... What's his name? One-hand boy. I don't know. Hodor.

My Game of Thrones game is weak. Oh, my God. How come I feel? Who was the one? Jamie, Jesus Christ. Oh, Jamie, yeah, yeah. Because Jamie, you know, he's the Kingslayer, he kills the king. And it's kind of like he could have sat, I think he does sit on the throne.

He gives it a go. And he's like, yo, Eddard, if you want, It's yours. And he's like, no, no, no. Edit. There you go. He's like, no, no, no. I promise a Baratheon. So I guess the only way you can get the Game of Thrones is by being born or killing your way and leading a rebellion. I like to think that I got the

throne through birthright, but I am the youngest of three triplets and I murdered my two brothers in cold blood and I don't even feel a little bit sad about it. Alright, there you go. House Doucher. My papa died tragically. Your papa is kind of like, I have sired

three boys. Three handsome lads. Joe, John and Joel. The tragic tale of House Doucher. Jackson, Joel and Joel we're all house douche there we go I like that

he would have been like my first born Joel my second born Jackson my third born Joel again

can we house balooshmit because that's the fucking best house balooshmit it's like house balooshmit and he's like I've got three boys now I and now it's kind of like The fucking bats. House Belushment. It's like, House Belushment. He's like, I've got three boys.

Well, now I don't just instantly assume that I've got the throne because I was just like, oh, I murdered two of my imaginary brothers. Who cares?

No, now it's kind of like he died. So I technically am the oldest, so I'm currently the throne. Jackson's the youngest.

I'm the middle. Oh, fuck, I'm going to be so angry. We'll just gather together to kill Zammett. You can't fight both of us. And then it's kind of like, basically... We push him off a mountain on a merry walk.

Almost kind of like the starter game of Thrones of the Baratheons. And so it's kind of like, are you two openly rebelling against me? No, we're doing it on the sneaky. We're like, Jorah Zammett, brother of ours. Why am I a dandy? Come with us upon walk off the top of cliff. Fall to thy death.

What? Because I know of the Game of Thrones. Not only do I have to, being the eldest, you not only have to work out outside problems, you also have now work on this inside family bullshit you're on the king's council

by the way because that's going to be like my ploy to be like no no keep them close they won't want

to kill me so you're on the king's council what do you want to be like ships war what do you want to be

the king's office I'll be ships and war you can be the accountant good you've like I've chuffed off

little finger you're the new accountant sweet accountant yeah he's like master of coin you're like I've chuffed off little finger you're the new accountant sweet accountant yeah he's like master of coin you're the master of ships

good and war and war alright I'll just put that in there alright ships are like asterisks

and then down the bottom it says and war alright good alright can I be the are you still gonna try and fuck me yeah

of course come for a walk with us pond cliff brother join us on the cliff face gaze to the ocean where young jackson is the king of thy ships and war what about my kids and my wife are you gonna kill them too yes we send them away to the swamps. No, I'll probably just marry your wife and Jax will marry your kids. Because I figured in this scenario, I've got a couple of kids.

I'm just going to do what they do and just send them off to different sirs. Yeah, fair enough. I'll have to be like, nah, they need to be A, out of King's Landing and train so they can clearly avenge my death when my brothers inevitably kill me or someone inevitably kills me. That went really well for the Starks. You did it. Dushi on my hand. Zeke. Zeke, there you go.

Maybe you're like the hand of the king. I'm giving you power because I'm thinking that's going to help me, but it's not. It's going to fuck me, isn't it? You're going to give me power. You're going to make him closer to you and he's going to be like,

no, come for walk, Poncliffe. Take thy seat on thy sword, I'm enthroned. The struggle is that the moment we push you off a cliff and Duscha's like, sweet, I'm in charge, I'm going to be like, oh no. You're going to be like, aha, Duscha, come for walk upon cliff. I like it.

Hey Jackson, why don't you join me for a walk upon my cliff my birth is going to march off a fucking cliff as I'm falling you fucking dickheads it's going to happen again you're just going to do it to each other and then no one gets the throne you fucking idiot I think that's the point of being on the throne

you have to be like okay I'm going to be dethroned eventually so I need to just work in I'd actually come to you open council okay boys

brothers of mine you're gonna kill me I know it correct you're gonna try and kill me we both did alright my dandy brothers

god damn it I know you're gonna kill me I know i can see it in your eyes you're openly admitting it that's great correct i don't honesty is the best i don't i don't i don't like fault you for that look if i was the middle or youngest i'd be trying to kill you too i get it it's the throne it's the game of thrones it's what we do yes let's just kibosh this. I'm like, triple king? No. No? Come for war.

Perhaps you could discuss this further upon the cliff, brother of ours. I'm going to bring my king's guard in for this. All right. King's guard? Oh, no. Oh, king's guard, why don't you walk with me

Upon thy cliff Look at thy view Admire Jackson's Sheeps and war Shoving this guy in armour Not really budging No I'm just touching your back Why don't you

Come walk down to yonder beach Admiring thy Handiwork of thy coin Must why don't you come walk down to yonder beach admiring thy handiwork of thy coin master take a step closer pray so that the ships become clearer eh

I think a good strategy is being like alright who wants to kill me and alright how do we make me not dead I think it probably just either my two great brothers dandy brothers my wife your wife our kids our family matter fancy boys i feel like everybody puts up their hands like look full disclosure who here wants to kill me? You're like, ah, that's a real unfortunate Is anyone's hands got up?

You're like Eight year old kids like, no, yeah, fuck that I do want a throne eventually I know, I know It's gonna happen So Zammett, you made the mistake of being born first And therefore you die Exile

I'm gonna, there we go I'm gonna just quickly because how how what's what's my grace period what's my grace period of not being dead like okay we'll say that how much how much older are you than me in real life uh 29 24 so five you got five years of me and i only like a tiny bit younger you're six months younger than me how'd that happen? magic vagina very premm we were twins, Jackson was just lazy I loved that I was in the womb

a full six months too long, poor mum very premm miraculously survived a lot of milk of the poppy. I am a sickly boy. Or, no, opposite. We're twins. I'm very prem.

Yeah, that's true. That's true. I like the idea of just Jackson being, like, as a baby. I just like the idea of being sickly. I always imagined, like, Joel Zammett, the worried. Joel Dusha, the proud. And Joel Jack... Joel Sack... Joel Jackson. Joel Jackson the sickly. Wait, what was our last name? Balas Balushmit.

Balushmit. Balushmit. All right. So I'm guessing, yeah, Jack might be the youngest frail sickly. He's like the Robert Aron of the group. Yes. Constantly suckling on mum's tit. It's like, you're fucking 23.

I need the nourishment He's an embarrassment Mum's been dead for five years You're getting nothing but bone Gross We brought him up wrong Jackson's been raised real terrible I feel responsible somehow

Dad's off whoring around And I just dropped the ball. And dropped Jackson. Joe Dusha, the proud-er. Jackson Bailey, the raised wrong. Alright, so you're going to give me how many, what's my grace period? Let's give you like a full

six months. Oh sweet, I was going to give you two weeks. Sick! Six months. I can do a lot of scheming In six months And then like Fake my death

And just go into exile I thought you were going to exile us Like pull the like Send us to like Rule over shitty counties If I can exile you Some other poor schmuck Is going to be like

Yeah My time And also while you're scheming I've got like four other people Already scheming to dethrone me anyway. There's a lot of scheming going on. Because we're the Dandy Brothers, so we'll just take them all for walks. The world-famous

Dandy walks. And if I'm not like a Targaryen, I've got that to worry about. So I'm going to get dragged. Daenerys is coming. I know. In at least like six months. If I get six months, that's a good reign. So I'm going to be like sweet. I'm going in at least like six months. If I get six months, that's a good reign.

So I'm going to be like, sweet, I'm going to put what I think is good for Westeros and then just like, chuff off. In fact, fuck it. No, what's good for Zamet? What's good for me? Make things good for you in the six months and then fuck off to Koth or whatever. Yeah, yeah, and then just be like, fuck off to the ice planet.

I'm going to go to Bear Island up north and just be like, hang out with the bears. That sounds cold. Go to Koth. That seems like amazing, Bear Island. I'm going to go to Bear Island up north and just be like, hang out with the bears. That sounds cold. Go to Koth. That seems like amazing, that place. They're ruled by a warlock. Also, Zammett, I know you like bears, but bears will not like you.

Yeah, I know. Plus, Joramot, like the Mormons, seem that they would not like me either. Well, this could lead into another episode of How Would You Survive the Revenant. That's true. Yes, I wouldn't. I would just be like, the bear has killed

me, that is the end for me. Oh, wow. Yeah, I would like chuff off across the seven seas. That's cool. Whatever. And go to the other island. What's that called again? Which island? The other continent. Oh.

The non-Australian one? The one where fucking... The Caliseas or what? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There. There. That's where Koth is. Yeah.

Koth is sick. Marine. Sick guy marine. Everybody just has a great time. Yeah. Go to Slaver's Bay. Yeah. Own slaves.

Yeah. Why do I say that? Don't work for the bank. Yeah. Of time. I'm going to have a good resume for the bank because I time I'm gonna have a good resume For the bank Cause I am the master of coin

That's true I'm gonna have a good resume For war You know what I'm gonna do I hope that I get put on the throne Wait I'm gonna see Okay look

That's my I'm exiling myself And I'm just gonna chuff off And become a faceless man Ah yeah there you go Wise Perfect I mean like

You don't have the throne anymore I had the throne But then I chuffed on And I'm surviving it By like killing every other lads so that's pretty good I'll worship the man of many god of many faces

sure good yeah fuck it that my choice of survival is to build a treehouse put the throne in that

and people be like where's the throne and I'll just be sitting on it fire cut down the tree I'm immune to fire I have I have I have I have to fire. I have a force field. I have a force field that's invulnerable.

You can't touch me. I'm already a ghost. Drop the Iron Throne in the sea. That's my plan. Oh, yeah, that's a good idea. Put a helmet on. Just trip up on the water. Why don't you become one of the...

A merman. Yes. I was going to say the... Gungan? Kraken dudes. What the fuck, mate? Why is names just escaping me right now? What are the Kraken dudes?

We were relying on you for your Game of Thrones knowledge, and we've just got a lot of, you know, that thing. I get there in the end. Yeah. The Greyjoys. No, they've got a spooky place. Yeah. I don't like it.

But they're mostly just ships, and you're already master of ships. I think if I arrive and they're like, who is this sickly boy? And you'd be like, I am Jackson Bailey, master of ships. You should go up actually.

I like the idea that you excited yourself, Joel Dusha, like in his struggle for the throne dies and they're like, who's the last? And I'm like, bring me mother's body. And Daenerys probably

gets me as a dragon. I would say you go to the airy because that's like, you know, very walled off and very secluded. If you move, fuck it.

I'm going to move the throne there. I like that the best strategy we've had so far is move the throne. I know. Westeros can be attacked by many fronts. The Aerie, not so much.

It's true. Like, you've got to climb up a fucking mountain. There's, like, sort of, like, the passageway. There's the sick moon door. The moon door. Motherfucking moon door. Any problems, just chuck them down a fucking moon door. The only problem then is, it is because it's up high.

Dragons. Jump out the moon door. Jump out the moon door. Onto a dragon? Or just to death? I'm going to do everything you do, but I'm also going to marry Daenerys. Don't. No dragons. Someone tries to marry Daenerys.

She's like, no. No, no, as in like, tries. Are you a hunky warrior boy? You're a sickly dandy. You're a dandy. And how did hunky warrior Boy go with Daenerys? Yeah, they're just fucking pretty good. Well, they're fucking...

I think she had to marry a dude to kind of like... Who I'm pretty sure is the Harpy. But she had to marry a dude to kind of like, you know, stop the peace. And another guy, I think his name's Quentin. He tried to be like, Daenerys, we had a pact. I'm going to be your new... Marry me. And she's like, lol, nah. Okay, new strategy. Become Daenerys we had a pact I'm gonna be your new marry me and she's like lol nah

okay new strategy become Daenerys best friend well like fucking what's that little sad dude that's always after the Mormon yeah imagine that but imagine me and I'm not sad Jorah that's the one I'm thinking of I think the thing with the Game of Thrones

is the only way to win is not to play. Really. Yeah. Or be a cunt. The only way to play is basically like you've got to be, I'm taking my bat and ball and going home. Yeah. I'm taking my throne and going home.

Yeah. You've got to just grab the throne, heist it somehow. Grab the throne and run. And then you need to wall up somewhere. The moment they're like, this is your throne, you just pick it up, put it on your back, and fucking scoot. Yeah. And then it's just mostly you're just like, then why do you even have it if you're not doing anything with it?

Exactly. So really. Might as well become a fisherman. May as well, to be honest. I think everyone is like, they're like a dog chasing a car. It's not even good to have the throne. They don't even know what they're going to do when they get it. You know what I mean?

We're going to get season fucking three of House of Cards and everyone's going to be disappointed because it's like, you don't know what you want. You just want to power for power's sake. Stop it. Now you're boring. Cool, I guess. Yeah, you're sitting down being like...

It's like a dog chasing a car because they can catch the car, we don't know what to do with it, but they're probably just going to get hit by another car. I was agreeing with you. Good. I wasn't saying that this is an original idea. But that was an original idea by Joel Dish.

Trademark. Buy one of my t-shirts. Kylo's top first. Yeah, I guess the best way to win Game of Thrones is to maybe have for a little bit and then just exile yourself. Or just know that once you have the game, once you have the throne,

you've got a good six months max. Before you're killed by your dandy brothers. What if you're like, just, I think my strategy is going to be like, no, kill me. I want to die. And everyone will be like, oh, no, he wants this. Why? He's got a scheme. He's got a plan, yeah.

And then you live like a long, hearty reign as king. Yeah. And then you die of old age. Kind of like that. Motherfucker. Well, the Mad King king basically his plan was like okay they've come for me my best friends

my hand is going to kill me put these fucking bale fire whatever it was fucking called what was it called again? the fire that was like the black water the dragon fire not alchemist fire I think it know. The dragon fire. It's called something's fire.

Not Alchemist's fire. I think it's Alchemist's fire. Bale fire. Might be a wheel of time. Whoopsie daisies again. So yeah, Alchemist's fire. He's like, I've got jars of that all over the city. As the moment that they kill me or the moment they enter, burn it all down.

So there you go. That's one way of doing it. Now, when they come for me and they're like, we're going to kill you Jackson, I kill myself. Yeah, there you go. Actually, that's one way because in the anals of history The anals?

The anals of history. The anals, perhaps. The anals of history. When historians gaze into history's anus. I always love, because we have the anals of history and it's just gaze into history's anus I always love like because we had like those at the anus history and it's just like

you read it and you're like why did you it's anal anal history that's beautiful there's two N's nah

nah nah well yes but it's just it's like the anus of history anus of history yeah it'd be just like

when the history's written it's like yeah King Jackson his reign was ended by himself that's the point that's how you go out the way he handled the

doucher rebellion was simply to die fall on his sword yeah exactly seppuku well that's sorted Game of Thrones 1 kill yourself to fall on his sword. Yeah, exactly. Sabuku! Sabuku! Well, that's sorted. Game of Thrones won.

Kill yourself. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've also been Joel. If you have a better way of surviving the Game of Thrones, let us know. Tweet us in,

SansPantsRadio, or email us, SansPantsRadio at gmail.com or Facebook. Comment on this on YouTube or wherever it is that you're listening to this majestic podcast. Also, if you have the best way

to kill yourself while you're on the throne, tweet me at douche13. I want to know. When I'm just jumping on the throne, just like neck first on the back. That's going to be hard to top. You grab around the back when you're sitting on it

and you just like kind of rock it back and forth until it falls on you. And decapitates you. And your head rolls into the royal court. The bar has been set. If anyone can top that I would like to hear it. DUSCH13 Twitter. Hit me up. Or hit up SansPens. Do whatever.

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